#he does not want to hear them anymore

[fujii-draws]

OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.

#okay starting from the beginning of where ppl usually dislike him. apple woods chapter. #he doesn’t give hero/partner the CHANCE to explain themselves despite them being relatively good recruits up until that point. #and that legit might be my only gripe with that chapter bc!!! stories need conflict! I LIKE the conflict in apple woods!!! #hero and partner being punished so something they didn’t do! #the misunderstanding! how team skull (Skuntank) actually outplays the main duo with a clever yet rotten trick. I LOVE that it segways into- #one of the more sweeter scenes of guild members looking out for eachother. I LIKE APPLE WOODS CONFLICT. #but chatot just. not giving them a chance. is so dumb. #I’d personally fix this by having a lil montage of hero/partner fucking up on jobs. A LOT. and chatot giving them a pass every time. #and let the perfect apple incident BE the one where he puts his foot down and doesn’t listen to them. bc he’d given them loads of chances. #and doesn’t want to hear any excuse. #but yeah. I legit dont mind him during that chapter except for that really stupid and frustrating moment. #NOW. CHAPTER 17. #UGGGGHHH WHERE DO I BEGIN #Him not believing hero and Partner about Grovyle and the future being in ruin? FINE. ACTUALLY GOOD. BC CHATOT WOULD BE SKEPTIC. #IT FITS HIS CHARACTER!! #BUT WHAT DOES SUCK. IS HIM GOING ‘Dusknoir isn’t the bad guy. he didn’t do anything wrong’ #WHEN HE LITERALLY KIDNAPPED HERO AND PARTNER RIGHT I N F R O N T OF HIM. #(​NO LITERALLY. HIS CHARACTER IS IN THE FRONT ROW WHEN IT HAPPENED.) #and him. having the GALL to tell hero and partner they must’ve been ‘seeing things’ and downplaying the HELL they went through. #despite them being missing for hours/days. his own guild recruits. and his angry sprite showing up. #like. I think that’s when I genuinely despised him. #that and him going ‘OH I BELIEVED YOU THE WHOLE TIME HEEHOO :)’ shit was so fucking annoying. #just playing it off as a joke the second the guild started to believe hero and partner. #IMAGINE IF HE W A S ACTUALLY TESTING THE GUILD’S TRUST. SHOWCASING HIM AS THE MORE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFUL RIGHT HAND OF THE GUILD. #and yes. Brine cave he saves hero and partner. but at that point I just didn’t care anymore. #he fucked those two over so much. that I didn’t care what ‘valiant’ sacrifice he had. #and he grills Team Skull for what they did OFF SCREEN. they couldn’t even give us THAT. #<<< THAT or him outright saying sorry would’ve been nice. IKIK his ‘actions’ or whatever but. #eughh again this is all imo. I’m not trying to make people hate him or change their mind. #I’ll get into positives in the second post cause I’m running out of tags

[flowercrowngods]

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not? #how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with #is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe. #why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain #i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself #that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it? #just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once #but never never never liked enough #i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting #i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out #i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again #but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough #for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay. #maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find #maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months #anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning. #on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you #god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie #but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down #blah #personal #not st

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

Rosaria Champagne, “Law of the (Nameless) Father: Mary Shelley’s Mathilda and the Incest Taboo” // Star Trek: Deep Space 9, 2x22 “The Wire”

#incest tw #RENT LOWERING GUNSHOT POST #''I never met anyone who relished a good interrogation as much as you did.'' #and then we proceed to hear a story about how Garak preferred to stare at someone for four hours straight rather than interrogate them #and THEN we proceed to watch him try to interrogate someone and not be able to do it even when he literally doesn't even have to doanything #because the anti-changeling machine basically does it for him and he still can't even watch it happen #hm. hmmmmmmmmmm #''We're both getting sentimental in our old age.'' #Fathers love to tell you you enjoyed it actually. and also you're basically a fellow adult really. #it's their favorite thing in the whole world #Starky's Original Posts #Star Trek: Deep Space 9 #watch these tags look stupid after I watch Broken Link or something. whatever I'm basking in them for now. #not sorry for posting this due to the fact that I wanted to do so. however I am sorry you had to see it. #god I looked up TDIC script for this and I cannot do it anymore #NO NEED TO PRETEND. YOU'RE FOND OF MILA. AREN'T YOU? YOU DON'T WANT HER HURT DO YOU? #SICKO TELEVISION SHOW I CAN'T WAIT FOR ALL OF CARDASSIA TO GET EXPLODED BY ONE TRILLION BOMBS #GOODBYE

[youareunbearable]

I might not do anything with this BUT I've been thinking about the Shadow of Mordor games again and how FUN would it be if Sauron did that but instead of bringing back Celebrimbor he uses his necromancy magic to bring back Maedhros

An imposingly tall figure, all done up in Sauron's spikey black armor, instead of his mace there is a wicked black blade where a right hand should be. He roams at the front of the Nazgul, blade at the ready as the other holds the reigns to a monstrous horse

People are terrified, thinking that Sauron himself is roaming the wilds, he stalks the Fellowship, nothing seems to stop him only delay him. Gandalf isn't sure its Sauron himself, but something about him under all that twisted and dark and evil song sings pure, like a dull flicker of white flame, like a weak candle.

When Boromir dies, that figure is with the orcs, it isnt the one to slay Boromir, but turns away and it seems to know where the ring is. The orcs are too focused on Merry and Pipin to follow the Figure, but he walks off. He stands on the shores as Frodo and Sam shiver in the Swan boat, but it does nothing but watch them as they sail off. It makes no motion to follow them or attack their small boat, just watch transfixed. Sam makes a comment that it looks like the Figure's armor makes it almost like it has a metal collar around its neck and cuffs on its wrists

During the battle of Helm's Deep, that Figure is back again, silently leading the siege. At one point, an Elven arrow hits the Figure's helm, knocking it a little loose and from under the helm tumbles a single red lock of hair. Its so red that almost looks like a smoldering flame. Haldir, who lives with the survivors of Doriath, sees that red hair, that tall stature, the handless right wrist and pales. While he wasn't there to witness the destruction of Doriath, he has heard the tales, he knows about the red haired monster that haunts the memories of the Sindar, and he knows what that Figure is capable of. Luckily, that Figure manages to catch a glimpse of Aragorn, and Freezes once again, a single stone that cuts through the rushing current of orcs all around him. Haldir doesn't see it again, but then again, Haldir doesn't see much of anything again.

(The Figure sees Gandalf on the hill, arriving with the dawn and reinforcments and it grieves, something in it breaks all over again but the magic puppeting its moves doesn't allow it to dwell. The helm is readjusted and the hair is tucked away and the Figure turns and leaves the battlefield. Its being summonded somewhere else.)

The war rages on, the Witch King is dead, but so is King Theoden. The Figure is trapped, the right wrist is pinned under the corpse of an oliphant and Elrond's sons watch as the Figure struggles before lying still. It's clearly not dead, but realizing it's trapped.

Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli join the twins. Gimli offers to thrust his axe in its chest, Legolas insists that he can shoot through its eye from a safer distance. Aragorn, who heard Haldir's frantic pleas during his final moments, just observes the Figure.

He notices the strange collar, how it clearly has cuffs on its wrist and feet, like it used to be shackled and chained.

"Can you speak?" He asks it.

The Figure does nothing but turn its helm towards Aragorn. They stare at each other for a few tense moments.

One of the twins, Aragorn still isn't fully sure which one, approches the Figure slowly. The Figure's helm is still directed at Aragorn.

"It feels familiar." The one twin whispers, voice raw from exertion. "It has a fea, it feels warm."

"Like uncle Erestor. Or Lindir." The other twin agrees.

The Figure turns its helm towards the twins at the mention of Erestor. The twin closest to the Figure, quick as an adder, jabs a polearm at the Figure's helm.

It snaps back, the helm tumbling off the Figure's head and those smoldering red locks fan out around the head, obscuring the face from view.

Even without seeing the face it's clearly an Elf. An abused one at that if one just looks at the notches missing from it's pointed ears. The polearm is back, nudging under where a chin should be to lift the face.

First, all that is seen is scars. So many that pull the once handsome face, for even under all its marring one can tell from the bone structure that this was a face that could launch a thousand ships, into a grotesque manner. But it is the eyes, the eyes that makes everyone suck in a breath.

These eyes glow, they glow with power, with light never been seen before, or well, haven't been seen in Ages. These grey eyes glow with the reflected light of the Two Trees, long since felled.

"Oh, Maitimo," Gandalf, who had wandered up the the group, sighed with tremendous sorrow. "What has become of you?"

Maitimo, or Maedhros as those in the Third Age know him as, tries to speak. His lips move, which brings attention to the fact that they are loosely sewn together with a black cord that seems to pull and ooze blood, never letting the wounds heal. His voice croaks, dry with misuse, but he manages a sound, a breath, perphaps even a word. Each syllable like a dying wheeze. He repeats the sound, again and again, almost becoming frantic with his wheezing chants, blood spilling down his chin from the threads, until it's understandable.

"Necromancer."

#amber rambles #silmarillion #maedhros #maitimo #silm fic #Iotr #I personally think it would be Fun and Seasonal if Mae becomes a zombie puppet for Sauron #like I already think that because of the Oath and because of his time with Morgoth and Sauron he wouldnt be able to die or hear Mandos Call #And I think Sauron would be a petty bitch enough to bring back Mae as a fun little HaHa Deal With THIS Emotional Trauma Elrond U Ass #I couldnt decide if I wanted Mae to deal with Aragorn and the fellowship or with frodo and sam but I figured if hes being puppeted #he would go after aragorn HOWEVER a fun little alternative i have #is that he goes after frodo and sam and they end up in Shelobs cave and Mae is gonna kill the hobbits but the Liquid Starlight #snaps some of his Sauron Mind Control off and activates his Omg Oath!! brain and he fights Shelob off the hobbits to grab it #and he knows he cant grab the vial cause hes Literally a figure of evil now but he just sits there and stares at it #and Little Sam goes up to him slowly and asks #If you want that vial i can help you but you must not hurt Mr Frodo anymore do you promise? #And Mae nods his head. promising. #so Sam cuts off a corner of his cloak and wraps the vial in it and hands it over to Mae who just hold the cloth bundle and begins to shake #he sobs. big wheezes and moans that cant make it past his sewn lips but he tries and Sam runs off to save Frodo while he does that #Then once gollum tosses himself and the ring into the lava and the world is crumbling around them Mae appears in the cave opening #to scoop up the tired hobbits and carry them to safety not caring about lava chasing after them. He collapses once the eagels come #Sam tries to get them to take Mae as well. But they dont and he screams and Mae just takes off his helm and smiles #He holds up the wrapped vial in his hand and with his bladed hand he cuts through the threads on his lips and shouts up to the sky #Thank You! A New Dawn Shall Rise!! and the eagles fly higher and farther and sam cant see it but he knows the lava swallowed him up #and a new dawn does rise. It rises on a new Age with a new king and a wedding and painful goodbyes and a new beginning

[pawsitivevibe]

Sometimes it really is enough to say "that sucks, I'm sorry that's happening to you" rather than try to lecture someone or give advice tbh

#Just a little disappointed in myself for bringing up my woes with My People and not really receiving any support ... #Oh well it is what it is. I'm not that close with them anymore and I should know better #I need to find a therapist. I just find the whole getting paid to pretend to care about you very disconcerting #I'd love to talk to someone who DOES care but alas I do not have many of those who want to hear #It is difficult with my husband because it just upsets him too much and then he never actually says anything and I just want someone to #SAY SOMETHING to me #Like it's not answers I want it's just like 'that sucks' and 'they're stupid'

[britneyshakespeare]

He won't leave my fucking friends alone.

#tales from diana #sorry this is about that bad friend i have to break up w that ive posted abt on and off the past couple weeks/months maybe #i still have to send him that final 'i dont wanna speak to you ever again' #ive been fucking busy ok. my summer has been full of family events and obligations #i have one brother getting married and the other having a baby!!! i have a LIFE and SHIT TO DO and PPL TO BE THERE FOR other than YOU!!! #i havent spoken to him in over 2 months too and he knows it's bc i don't want to #he's so difficult bc you can't fucking tell him the truth. you can't!!! he can't handle it!!! do you know how hard it is to handle??? #the things i have to do to cut him off. because he doesn't respect normal fucking boundaries. make ME feel like im in the wrong #like im the shady person and the liar. #i can't drift from him bc hell pull me back #i can't communicate w him bc he won't hear anything i have to say he'll just turn it around & make it abt himself. #he literally does not understand ppl having motivations to do things that don't relate to him #and he has no sympathy for what he does to other ppl. nothing but self-pity for how they don't like him anymore. #if he dealt w someone who put him through half of what he put ME through. no he couldn't actually. #i only allowed him to manipulate me for so long because i cared abt him. who i thought he was. #and he just point blank period doesn't care about other ppl. so he could never go through what ive gone through w him. #i feel like all this friend breakup has proven to me is that im actually a good person and it can be used against me by ppl who arent #some fucking lesson i needed to learn huh? #i hate feeling as negatively towards anyone as i do towards him. it's so hard for me not to have at least #a little spark of hope deep down for everyone. even ppl ive removed from my life before. i dont HATE them #theyve disappointed me or insulted me or mistreated me but at least their motivations seemed simple and clear #and MOST of them seemed to understand SOMEWHAT that they were in the wrong #even if they don't admit it to me or still find an excuse to hate me. whatever #i can see them as ppl who might feel remorse someday and grow from it #i do not see it in this guy. bc if you have a problem w him he'll only make it 20 times worse. #he's so selfish it genuinely baffles me to think about it. and he's one of the least honest ppl ive ever known. #he'll never see the error of his ways. i do not believe he has that capacity. #and will i say none of this to him? no #im just going to say thanks for leaving me alone these past couple months. it's been good for me. #i don't think i can continue our friendship anymore for my own sake.

[soul-spoken]

I vent or breakdown so often, I know I get told it's fine and talk when I need to but geez it feels so excessive, like I'm overly sensitive or just really really easily triggered over things that shouldn't even relate to my trauma

We come to solutions or we distract from it, or we cuddle, but it's just always there.

I can almost always feel the dumb anxiety or depression feelings, I don't want to

I wish my brain understood that

#im tired of only feeling safe when im overly babied and small. i know at this current time point certain traumas are still really fresh #and i need to let myself acknowledge that and relax and maybe be taken care of on a higher level but #i feel so clingy and embarrassed #and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college #that doesn't matter anymore #i don't wanna be so vulnerable and scared all the time #but i think i need to #i just want to be held. feel skin to skin. get kissed and called sweet names #i wanna feel his nails through my hair. hear that hushed voice he does when being soft. i wanna be closer #i wanna be safe and told its not scary. its not bad. instead of how we've been going about things.. #cant i just feel secluded and loved? feel protected and small #i wanna be told that my ptsd is a normal reaction and that i dont have to be like i was before. i can take a while to gather myself #to mourn and exist. to just.. be #be however my brain is needing to be in order to relax #i wanna be intimate and romantic and loving and gentle #i feel so guilty over these wants and needs #i wish i didn't have them. i wish i understood that its safe to have them. #i wish i was different #i wish i was me. but me before #when i was stable and felt nice and independent but i still had little moments of softness and needing help. i miss my early early twenties #but. i also miss the feeling of being held tight by him and told nothing could hurt me anymore. that he was gonna keep the bad away #like middle school. keeping the mean kids away #i love him. i want to feel loved #i am loved. i don't doubt that. but i wish i could capture every soft second and live in it forever #and i feel so guilty #trav.txt

[pepprs]

like it’s VERY very important to not text and drive. and i understand how dangerous it is to do that and to be distracted at all in any way for any amount of time on the road. i know it’s important to learn about these stories and bear witness to them. but i just think. like idk. watching multiple of them every day for 10 days (with a two day break halfway through for the weekend) is realy… like idk. i think after seeing a couple you can get the point. i don’t want to sound dismissive or lackadaisacal and im scared im sounding like that but i just am so freaked out by all of this and witb every new horror they’re showing us it’s scaring me worse.

#purrs #delete later #car accidents tw #death tw #child death tw #ask to tag #drivers ed tag #like this sucks so bad. we go from watching a video about how to drive in the city… to a 10 minute vid of a man talking abt how he hit and #killed 3 kids and it shows a PICTURE OF THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT WITH BLOOD AND EVERYTHING… and then after the video we immediately start #talking about like. fucking street cleaners and how you have to watch out for them. HOW is the video about the kids being hit and killed #part of the flow of the learning. what purpose does it serve. and it’s like these are REAL PEOPLE who died. real kids who existed. and it #just feels kind of fucked up. maybe it’s more fucked up thst im not following the flow and accepting the weight of it but it’s hard to when #im scared as fuck and just want to not be shown gore videos anymore. and then once we pick up the content again like abt street cleaners and #shit i can’t focus on any content bc i have to wind down from seeing the dead bodies and hearing the letter the parents wrote. like how is t #this helping. maybe it’s landing / more necessary for the 16 year olds but im 24. i am a whole adult. i do not take being alive for granted #i am terrified of death and dying and painfully aware of how fragile human beings are and how easy it is to be in danger. this is not #helping me or sending me a message it’s just making me so scared and terrified to even leave the house and unable to stop thinking about #death or injury lol!!! and i can’t tell them to stop and i can’t quit bc i need my fucking license so i have to just put my head down and #do this but it sucks indescribably. and we also saw one of those trick videos again too that makes you feel stupid bc it tells you to count #the number of lkke. things you see and it turns out i missed a few AND they were like did you notice what was going on in the background snd #i didn’t bc i was too busy counting the fucking things they told us to. i want to SCREAM. this makes me feel so stupid and helpless lolllll #<- as i was typing that we were learning about the chance of survival if you are hit by a car at different speeds! bc that’s relevant 😍😍😍😍😍😍 #anyways. my therapist was telling me stuff abt how i need to remember this isn’t targeted for me and i need to regulate my nervous system an #and how to calm down when it triggers me but i forgot everything she said literally 5 hours ago and now im here freaking the fuck out so. 🥰

[theflyingfeeling]

I was supposed to send this anonymously at first as this is just pointless rambling and doesn’t make sense at all and I just wanted to let it all out but here it goes haha 😂 sorry for choosing you as my target 😩

I was having a weak Joonas/Niko moment and went to scroll through their Instagrams and now I just can’t stop thinking about what happened 🥺 or did anything happen at all? they were so clearly into each other and idk if they even realized it themselves (but according to comments others did) 😔 anyway, Niko posted the infamous ’I like boys now’ pic the same day (and marked the same place) Joonas posted a pic of him and Niko talking on a (hotel) bed and there’s something SO intimate about it (the way Niko’s touching Joonas’ leg and all) 😭❤️ 

it would be so easy to imagine them as an actual couple and I just can’t stop thinking about what went down and did they even stop to think ’what if there IS something more’ and if they did, did they ever confess to each other and were they actually a thing or were they just joking about it, secretly hoping it wouldn’t be just a joke- sorry I’ll stop rambling about these two now. thank you and sorry once again 😭

No but really, friend, LISTEN

I'm always here for pining-figuring-things-out-hoping-that-maybe-what-if-could-it-some-day-???? Niko/Joonas 😭😭😭😭😭😭

But it's so HEARTBREAKING to think that maybe there was mutual attraction but that they were just way too scared to do anything about it and wasn't this around when Niko had just ended a relationship (please correct me if I'm wrong)? So on top of that it was all sorts of complicated and while they liked each other a lot the timing and circumstances wasn't really the best for anything to happen and they were both just left wondering what could've been and 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Also that's probably my favourite Niko/Joonas picture ever, it's so intimate and romantic??

#and what if joonas was trying really hard to build up the courage to actually confess but then niko met his current gf #and they're actually a perfect match for each other and joonas is happy for them because of course he is #and he thought he could live with niko loving someone else because it was bound to happen eventually but it's so damn hard 🥺💔 #meanwhile niko acts if nothing changed and keeps flirting with joonas ''for the lols'' #but then it gets too much and joonas can't take it anymore and niko can feel something's up but he can't quite figure out what #(or maybe he does but he doesn't want to think about it because it's too late to do anything about it now) #and that's why we don't get to hear slb live anymore 😔 #yay we cracked the code and now i'm sad #joonasxniko

[theheadlessgroom]

https://www.tumblr.com/beatingheart-bride/707201367926849536/theheadlessgroom-beatingheart-bride

@beatingheart-bride

At this, Randall wanted to protest; he wanted to wave it all off, to say “I was just doing what anyone would do!”, but he knew that just wasn’t true. She was right, most people in the opera house probably wouldn’t have sacrificed a whole day, a day spent running the risk of getting sick while running errands, bringing her food and drink and keeping her company, no, he was sure most wouldn’t have done such a thing...he still wanted to protest, to say it was nothing, but ultimately, he found he just couldn’t argue anymore.

Despite the difficulty he had in wrapping his head around the whole thing, he nevertheless willed himself to believe her (difficult as that was), swallowing hard as he managed to saying, “W-Well, you’re...you’re very welcome, E-Emily, I...I was just glad I could help!”

He blushed again and averted his gaze, half-expecting her to laugh at his incompetence when it came to rudimentary matters like accepting thanks...he kicked himself a little for thinking Emily would do such a thing, reminding himself that she wasn’t like those who used to point and laugh at him, that she wouldn’t do such a thing, but still, he had that moment of expectation before he glanced back at her, smiling shyly behind the mask.

#((it isn't-but it's accurate! randall knows how to be kind *but* responding to/accepting kindness? that's a different story!)) #((and i know i certainly can't see erik being so chummy (for lack of a better word) with the people of the opera!)) #((erik's relationship to the people there is more like a king and his subjects; he has this sort of superiority complex)) #((-probably because he's been treated as lesser for so long; he's taking the opportunity to be at the top of the food chain for a change-)) #((and so he puts himself above everyone else; he wants them to bend to his will and do as he commands)) #((and when they don't he throws a temper tantrum!)) #((but randall...doesn't really put himself on a pedestal the way erik does! he *is* the opera ghost and he still sends out his notes)) #((but he's not nearly as aggressively demanding as erik is! in some ways i think he just wants to be a man)) #((not a 'king' the way erik is; ruling over his domicile with an iron fist!)) #((instead he just wants to be able to rub elbows with the common man! he likes listening to the stagehands talk about their lives)) #((he likes sending well wishes to people when he hears something good has happened to them)) #((he just wants to be a normal man; he doesn't want to be above others anymore than he wants to be beneath them!)) #((he might not be able to be really truly sociable with people but he tries! you just couldn't see erik doing such a thing)) #((and it's one of the differences between the two of them that i'm glad has come up!)) #outofhatboxes #beatingheart-bride #V:Phantasm of the Mansion

[reenaria]

currently having a queer identity crisis on this accursed holiday

#but actually. i’ve realized that like. 95% or more of my attraction to men has been comphet #i thought it wasn’t because i’ve been more or less identifying as bi since i was 11 #so like. i figured if i didn’t like men at all i would’ve figured it out sooner? #it wasn’t until a couple years ago that i resolved to stop dating straight & masculine guys because i feel like i’m performing for them #and my current partner of 2.5 years is amab and socially perceived as a man but he’s bi and sees himself as ‘void of gender’ #which is also the way i see him but not the way most people see him #he does get mistaken for a woman a fair ammount though. which brings us both a lot of joy lol #but anyway. my crisis is that i’ve been feeling more and more detached from the bi label because i feel like it implies attraction to men #and i’ve known for a little while now that i’m almost exclusively attracted to femininity and androgyny #and primarily attracted to women in general #like if i weren’t with my partner i would 100% be out there dating women and maybe? identifying as a lesbian #but i feel like i have no claim to that label especially with my current partner who is not a woman and is much more androgynous than fem #idk. do i keep calling myself bi? it feels like i’ve slipped away from it #i’ve been using queer a lot more lately because umbrella terms are the only thing that seem to make sense to me anymore #i know labels can be super complicated and unhelpful in some cases but i also want to know where my place is in the community ya know? #i feel so confused without a solid label and it’s causing me a lot more stress than it should #(also my partner is such a blessing and said he’d be supportive if i ever felt i needed to leave him to be with women) #(like he said ‘i’d be sad for a while but i’d still be your best friend) and i was just 🥺 #this may be even longer than my last tag novel lmao i just hate the idea of putting this stuff in the body of the post #anyway if any pals/mutuals read all that and have any insight or advice i’d be curious to hear #reena.txt

[pangzi]

I’ve been thinking so much about Pangzi and Xiao Hua actually becoming a Thing™ during shahai... they start off as just friends, comforting each other as they worry about and miss their partners, becoming slightly more than friends as they find comfort in each other’s touch and presence and from there on it grows into something more until they cannot deny this isn’t just comfort sex anymore. thinking about the fallout when after they deal with the Wangs they have to tell their partners...

#wu xie has a Bad Reaction #convinced he's been replaced and pangzi doesn't love him and xiaoge anymore #hei xiazi pretends it doesn't affect him but it does #he's been in a really rough place this entire time #especially after hearing about xiao hua's death #and then finding out that pangzi knew he was alive but he didn't #seeing how fast pangzi and xiao hua got close and comfortable around each other #seeing pangzi see a side from xiao hua that hei xiazi had to work hard for for years and years to finally get to see #also plays into my heipang agenda of he and pangzi had a thing before either of them ever met wu xie or xiao hua #so he Gets It he's been there #anyway if i ever do a (hei)panghua week for just myself :) this is why and this is what you're getting #i just wanted to share #do i already have a document set up for that? yes. i just need some more prompts ngl #i also already have half a panghua smut ready that fits perfectly into this #dmbj hc

[bitchfitch]

Consumed with the need to draw a comic and consumed with the knowledge I'm Really bad at actually finishing comics.

#either its going to be Monty and Cadfael having a sweet moment. Cadfael is whining about how now that hes marrying age #balls and dances arnt Fun anymore because everyone is just trying to get with him or talk up one of their friends. and it Sucks. #everyone just assumes he want to lead and its not like he Minds leading but the assumption its what hed want rubs him the wrong way #and everyone talks and talks so he can't just enjoy the music and there's no Breaks in it. and its such a prissy problem to have #especially considering Montgomery doesn't get to dance at all because hes on the job. and Monty listens and when Cadfael is done #he asks if he can hear the music well enough in this little side corridor theyve snuck off too. #and Cadfael doesn't grock it until Monty is bowing and holding out a hand to him so they can have a dance. #and its everything Cadfael wanted. #it's everything monty wanted too. #that or a less sweet thing of Conall and Arlo having another argument. #Conall has been staying away from the hill but the morning following every full moon hes back there with no memory of why he returned #and hes frustrated and angry and generally resentful so instead of just leaving again like he normally does he confronts Arlo about it. #and blames him for it because like Why else would conall keep waking up in his bed. #and Arlo scoffs and is busy tracking some hunters theough the woods above. luring them closer. He thanks Conall for bating them. #He again explains that Conall's lycanthropy is at its worst the night of the full moon. and so are all the other bits of the curse. #including the bit about how werewolves were the guard dogs of the unicorns back when things were 'good' #they have the usual bout about how Arlo could cure him and is just refusing not to and Arlo saying why would he do that? #its not like he enjoys this little routine of theres. Hes already told Conall plenty of times that if he wants free of his curse #he eitber needs to die or to find someone to transfer it to. #Arlo gestures to his mirror and the hunters whove come to kill the big bad wolf spotted in the area. and says heres his chance. Pick one #and Arlo will transfer the curse. Conall can be free so long as he dooms another. #and Conall once again refuses. Not willing to stoop that low before storming off. #arlo kills the hunters and muses to himself that he should get Conall angry more often. hes cuter like that.

[dbphantom]

[checks which chapter was just adapted] but I want gear 5 to be animated nooooow

Wailing sobbing sliding across my desk like a pathetic little slime

#spoilers #but I'm not tagging this main-tag-wise bc I'm just rambling #I just want to hear the drums officially dammit is that so bad #I've been listening to Luffy's awakened performance and Luffy's awakening theme on loop for the past 2 days now #Recently found them again after like. 6months. AND ITS STILL NOT HERE YET #I'm going to combust and die I neeeeeeeed it #PLEASE RELEASE THE EPISODES F A S T E R #GH #Cruddy rambles #Sobs #I really really really hope they do rubberhose animation. I want Luffy to look like he transported himself to a totally different show #Like that cup/he/ad show that came out recently? I'd kill for that style of animation for g5 #WITH Looney Tunes sfx of course #Listen this is PERSONAL okay #I made an oc whose magic I based on the wacky wonders of one/piec/e by giving him protection magic based on cartoons #Bc I thought hey oda does some funky stuff with Luffy being rubber and all #And then!!! GEAR 5 HAPPENED!!! AND I LOST MY MIND! #I did something RIGHT for once!!!!!!! #Cord isn't alone anymore... Granted he's not as op as g5 bc it's for protection but even still!!!! #He bounces his eyes pop out he gets little birds that circle his head he can run on air so long as he doesn't look down #He gets xylophoned when crushed and pops back up perfectly fine #I designed it all off of on/e/pie/ce and then it turned around and proved me right and I 😭😭😭 #This funky little dude is something that can be so personal... #And also it's cool as fuck and I NEED to know how they're gonna animate it #Especially when Luffy jump ropes with Kaido #That and Luffy hitting the gear 2nd pose while in gear 5... I lost my mind when I saw that panel #I got tons of hate on the sub that day for voicing my excitement abt g5 and how cool it was... Who's laughing now ya fuckin fun police??? #It's Luffy. Holy shit he can't fucking stop... #Anyway. I'm sorry. I'm suuuuper tired I'm just rambling at this point. I'm gonna go calm down and write a little b4 I sleep #This H2O au isn't gonna write itself... No matter how much I hope it will.......

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

.

#me: fuck all is happening at work and i have zero interest in finding myself something to do so i'm going home and cleaning it #*sits down and does fuck all for the next six hours* #i am probably the one who is most displeased about this and I'm the one that did it #or didn't do it for that matter #i'm so annyoed at mysefl rn #had a small fight with my mom cause she implied that our business was going to fall apart now that my ex is gone #(Which i don't remember if I said that here yet??? last friday was my ex's last day so i don't have to work with him anymore 🎉) #and i just fucking broke down cause she essentially said everything i feared she would that stopped me from speaking up earlier #i immediately burst into tears which instantly changed her tone #and she did apologize for being insensitive #but still like fuck dude. those are your thoughts and you didn't see a problem with voicing them ???? #there's been so many little things said to me that just make me want to tear my hair out #like my ex made this big fancy cake and brought it out for the last lunch he was at the farm for #and my grandma was chowing down on her piece and just leaned over and slighly commented 'i'm sure going to miss having him around' #and i wanted to fucking scream #I am the LAST person you should consider saying that to #i'm gonna rage bro #kee speaks #i'm glad i don't have to see his dumb face anymore but i just know i'm going to keep hearing his name for way too fucking long #i hate it

[pepprs]

meant to post abt this yesterday and ik it’s kinda mean but i think the counselor i have rn is the worst one ive ever had possibly even worse than (or tied w) the one i had over the summer who kept ending our sessions well before the full hour was up when i was going thru a horrible time and kept spending the sessions mostly talking abt herself and her own problems. actually no now that i write that out she was probably the worst (though she was one of the warmest / nicest and our personalities meshedreally well so i feel bad saying that she was the worst). but the one i have now is so…. lke idk. my experience w the worst counselor made me rly want to work w a clinical intern again bc i wanted someone who would like. actuallytake things seriously and give me the time i was paying for and spend all of it talki ng abt the things i was paying to talk abt and draw from the most recent / cutting edge info instead of entirely personal experience (WHICH AGAIN I FEEL SO BAD ABT BECAUSE. my work is all abt healing each other by sharing things like that and i realt did like her but it just wasn’t appropriate i guess bc it was a counseling relationship!) but my current counselor is so… rigid and restrictive. like i think he is trying too hard to apply what he’s being taught and he seems like nervous and talking out of his ass and he masks that by taking up SO much space and spending like 3 minutes responding to every one minute i talk and literally like strongarmimg the convos and deciding what we’re going to talk about and moving us on to a new topic abruptly before i feel ready to move on and like taking time out of our sessions to do paperwork / admin stuff so he doesn’t forget later (and a lot of the time i think he’s doing it while im talking bc i see his eyes moving around his screen and the light on his face like he’s not even listening to me). and it fucking sucks. i want to crack him like an egg so bad and make him realize it doesn’t have to be this way but i know that’s not my responsibility and in our session last night i basically gave up trying to create enough space for myself and just let him steer things bc i was having side effects and it was just rly unsatisfying

#purrs #i know it is entirely within my right to address these things both for my sake and for his / his future clients but im so scared lol like i #don’t want to tell him he’s doing a bad job and making it hard for me to navigate but literally when you keep steamrolling and silencing me #and cutting me off and forcing me around… yeah. also he has to record our sessions and show them to his profs / supervisors and it’s so like #idk. ive been recorded in sessions before and im totally fine w it but there’s 2 things abt this specific instance of it thst distress and #annoy me. 1) when we sign on to our session he says like 2 things to me then starts the recording and is TOTALLY fake and forcing it like #hello tess welcome to our session and he’ll repeat some of the stuff he said but in a more like.. extensive way so it just feels rly fake #to me lol. WHICH ALSO REMINDS ME 1.5) not related to the recording but every time he asks me questions he asks like… 3 questions but doesn’t #give me space to answer the two like it’s just a bridge for him as he&/ working his way to the thing he actually wants to ask me and i #fucking hate when ppl ask me questions and then answer them themselves or like don’t want to hear the answer. i had 2 profs like that in #brighton and it fucking pissed me offff so being around someone who does that again is rly agitating ik it’s just a nervous habit but yeah. #and 2) i am kinda concerned that none of my counselors profs or supervisors have seemed to call him on how he doesn’t give me space or let #me guide the convo. like idk maybe it’s just that all of my counselors before him were too loose w me but i feel like it s not supposed to f #feel this rigid and i am kinda scared abt the implications of no one actually watching these recordings and see how i try to speak but he #almost always talks over me and i just give up. lol. i like him he’s a nice person i just think he’s nervous and trying too hard and it #would be passable for like.. the little kid clients who usually go there but it doesn’t feel good for me a 23 year old who has had like what #6 counselors before him all of whom gave me space and didn’t shove me around. i miss the counselors i had from oct 2020 - jul 2021 and sept #2021 - feb 2022 they were the best ever and i am inches away from terminating here and just trying to go to wherever they are full time now #and working w them again bc they rly got me and i didn’t know how good i had it lol. i guess i don’t need someone as good anymore bc things #in my life are objectively better than they were during those times but my mental health is still bad so i would uhhh… like someone good #and don’t think that’s too much to ask and need to get it into my head that i CAN ask it. ok rant over #*no one actually watching the recordings has seen / pointed out to him how he steamrolls me etc etc