#he's literally only having fun when extremely intoxicated and everyone he loves has died at least fucking once

[the-acid-pear]

Okay but like the thing that makes me the insanest about Ash is how despite it all he is just a good man. Despite it all he still was willing to sacrifice himself to save the world, the very same world that never did anything for him. It's so insane. I would literally turn evil so fucking fast like i swear to god idk how Ash does it i love him sm-

#luly talks #evil dead #Ash williams #no but like im literally getting emotional here like. he really did not choose any of that. and yet time and time again he fought for it #like the world literally didnt turn its back on him ONCE this man's life is fucking miserable!!!! #he's literally only having fun when extremely intoxicated and everyone he loves has died at least fucking once #and despite it all despite the never ending horrors he still fights to stop them he fights for this rotten sad sad world #like UGHMGNFBN 💥💥💥💥💥 LIKE FUCK MAN HE HAS NO REASON TO BE THIS GOOD OF A PERSON YET HE IS AND THAT'S SO HUGE.

[wonderlandoccupant]

My feelings are going to go here, because sleep is escaping me completely and it’s ether this or loosing my gosh dang mind.

I can’t tell my parents.

It’s not that I don’t trust them, and it’s not that they’re bad people or insensitive. In fact, they’re incredible, and have always been there for me no matter what period of my life I have been in.

But this is what they say:

“I’ll just know you’ll find that perfect man one day.”

“I’m still praying for your future husband, I know he’ll be great for you.”

The problem is… that’s all they see.

Me and a boy, locking hands and kissing and feeling each other long into the future.

They are supportive.

They are supportive of that.

I thought I have liked guys in the past… I think I have- maybe. And guys have liked me too. I’ve dated a couple, but none of them have felt right, and I drop them all so quickly. Too quickly actually. So much that my Mom’s immediate reaction when I tell her I’ve found I new guy is to sigh.

But I’m trying to please her.

I least… I think I’ve been trying to.

It’s unfair for them, and I acknowledge that.

But for a awhile I couldn’t seem to stop. I had never been interested in guys at all before highschool, not a bit. But at the start of freshman year I was convinced I needed to, and I went off and flirted and explored. Nothing dirty mind you, I’m not that kind of person. But I had fun, and I got myself a boyfriend or two. But anything- what I guess I thought was love, died as quickly as it was ignited. And with each guy I’d try to obsess over them with such an intense ‘this’ll be the one’ attitude that I actually convinced myself occasionally that I had found HIM.

That guy my parents told me about, the guy everyone tells me you find and fall for.

‘I’m straight.’

I tell myself that so often now I swear the little people in my brain have broken the machinery in my brain causing that phrase to always be on repeat.

Then I found a guy.

One that is- or that I thought was different.

Kind, compassionate, respectful- everything I could and should want. He’s even attractive, or considered attractive by most standards.

And I have fun with him. I enjoy talking with him and getting to know who he is and his goals. But he wants more than that, like you do in romantic relationships.

But I don’t.

Whenever he touches me I ease into him, but something crawls under my skin, and I’m always wondering when he’ll stop. I practically had to be pressured into my first kiss with him, and all he would talk about after that was how he just wanted to keep kissing me over and over. And that he loved me more than the world and that he thought I was his soulmate. I think he still thinks that.

But… I just… I can’t feel that way.

I grit my teeth and smile and listen to the noise in my ears while he holds my hand.

He’s such a great guy, and I should feel attracted to him… I should want him to want me and I should want him. He is exactly what my parents want for me, my family has practically fallen in love with them on their own, and my brother loves him too. It should be perfect. Paradise for me.

But it isn’t.

And LORD I feel so selfish.

Because I appreciate him and I want to love him like he loves me but the truth is I don’t think I ever really have and that simple fact makes me feel so ashamed of myself. I SHOULD be ABLE to want him too.

But I just…

Don’t.

I want HER.

My best friend in the world since second grade. The person I can tell literally anything to, whom I think I started to gather up feelings for before I even knew what feelings were. Sure, we had some extremely rough times we had to push through but it was always HER.

We hang out, and we laugh and when she’s close to me I stare, because she’s so breathtaking and every second around her is perfection. I finally have begun to realize how I feel about this, and it terrifies me to death.

Because Lord, I want her.

I want to hold her and kiss her and make her feel wanted and adore her and keep her in my embrace until we both drift off together. I have never imagined a future without her, and I want her as so much more than just as a friend.

She’s always in my head. With her laugh and her smile and he intoxicating feeling when she gets close to me. We’ve always been cuddly with each other, and it’s so natural. WE’RE so natural.

Whenever she falls asleep on me or snuggles up to my shoulder it’s like that noise in my ears finally clicks off, and I can breathe a bit easier.

I’m in love with this girl.

I think- more than I’ve been in love anyone.

I feel like… she’s the only one who gives me an accurate description of what love IS in my eyes.

But I’m with him.

And my parents…

They just…

Can’t.

But here I am, past 1 AM.

And all I can hear is her voice, and I feel like a terrible girlfriend because I want to love who everyone tells me I’m supposed to.

I really do.

But the universe has a cruel sense of irony…

But I don’t think anyone understands that I never choose this.

Because believe me, if I could, I would love him.

But I don’t.

I love her.

#story #story time #lgbtq positivity

[godofplumsandthunder]

This was written for @the-ss-horniest-book-club​ Freaky Friday Drabble Friday! I barely made the deadline, but am super happy with this idea. Like the title suggests, it’s a body swap theme. So naturally I did a body swap with Bucky Barnes and Lance Tucker. I hope y’all like this as much as I did while writing this. Every page break represents a shift from Bucky to Lance or vice versa. 

James Buchanan Barnes, a.k.a Winter Soldier, Bucky, and Lance Tucker were household names. Everyone knew the assassin, best friend of Steve Rogers, Captain America. Everyone also knew Lance Tucker. Cocky, egotistic, gold medalist who is always seen with countless women. His life seems like a never-ending party.

Bucky Barnes knows who Lance Tucker is. He covets his entire life. For Bucky, Lance represents everything he's not. Bold, socially outgoing, loved, worshiped. Sure, Bucky knows that he has you his trustable girlfriend, but, wouldn't it be better, more fun, to be with hundreds of girls, instead of just one? Wouldn't his life be so much better if he had all of this?

Lance Tucker, who on the outside his life would appear to be wonderful, hates his life. Sure, he has fame, and countless women, and is always seen at a party, but what happens when the high wears off? The easy shag goes home? He's left alone. With no one, he can trust or love. Because Lance learned from a young age that when you are famous, people only get close to using you. Lance hates his life, but in his mind, it's too late to change it.

Both men, secretly wanting each other's lives. But realizing that their wishes will never come true. Or can they? Cause, after all, the universe might have its own agenda.

=======

Bucky feels different. He wakes up without remembering a nightmare. This should have been his first clue that something was wrong. He also wakes up and his left arm isn't hurting. It has not not hurt for over 70 years. This is sign number two. He rolls over a finds some young blonde laying in your spot of the bed. This is when he loses his shit.

"Who the fuck are you?" Bucky starts to go into full Winter Soldier mode, grabbing the baseball next to the side of the bed. Definitely not his bed, he notes.

"Really, we literally just fucked like 2 hours ago, and you can't even remember my name? The news was right about you. You really are a grade-A dick. No one wonder no one wants to be with you. Don't even bother with breakfast." The young blonde, who Bucky still doesn't know how she is, gathers her items, put her clothes on, and slams the front door shut behind her. Bucky needs a long shower, and a nice cup of coffee, if he wants any hope of making sense of what's happening.

=====

Lance wakes up with a body wrapped against him. Not in the "I just fucked the god of gymnastics" way. Rather in a way that radiated love. He looks down at you, and he can tell that you look different than the blonde he invited back home that night. At least Lance thought it was a blonde. He slips out of your arms, determined to figure out what the hell was going on. As he slipped out of your arms, you let out a little grunt, rolled and spooned his pillow. Not wanting to let the scent of him to fade. And this is what confuses Lance the most. Not once, in all of his conquest has a woman, or for that matter, a man reacted how you did when he left the bed. Like they were glued to his presence. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Lance finds the bathroom and looks into the mirror. That's when he noticed he was missing an arm.

"What the fuck happened to my arm?" Lance yell woke you up. It would have woken up the whole complex if it weren't for the noise proof walls, made to withhold the screams of a certain super-soldier. You come rushing over to see the love of your life confused. And this worries you. Bucky hasn't had a really bad day for a little while now.

"Bucky, are you okay?" You thought that maybe your voice and your presence would calm him down. But it didn't, it made him worse.

"Who the hell is Bucky?" This scared you. It's been a REALLY long time since Bucky's had problems with his memory. So you did the only thing you could have down in that situation.

"F.R.I.D.AY., initiate the 'Bucky's lost his marbles' protocol." Terrible name, Stark chose it, but it will get the job done. Gas started to fill the room where Lance was in. His vision started to blackout, and his body went limp.

======

When Bucky went to go take a shower, he was met with one hell of a surprise. Most people aren't ready to look into a mirror and be met with someone else's face. Even Bucky, the former fist of Hydra, who saw pretty much has seen everything, was surprised. Until he realized who's face was looking back at him. It was the one and only Lance Tucker. The world-renowned gold medal gymnast, playboy, and partier. Sure, Bucky should have been worried, but he saw this as his chance to finally have the life he has been coveting for the longest time. Y/N and the other avengers will figure out what happened and fix it promptly. But in the meantime, Bucky, or should he say Lance now, was going to have a fun time.

Bucky gets dressed in some tight and gaudy tracksuit. He grabs the keys to some overly priced car and drives his way to the closest open bar. He's really gonna have fun with this, Bucky thinks to himself.

=====

Lance wakes up with a pounding headache and handcuffed to a hospital bed. He searches the room and sees you, sitting dutifully in the chair next to the bed.

"Oh, good, you're awake Bucky. I have someone that's here to talk to you." She steps outside and brings in a grandpa, of all people.

"Hey, pal, do ya remember me?" Lance's confused face was answer enough to the elderly man. "I guessed you probably wouldn't. I look a little older than the last time you saw me. But it's me. Stevie. Steve Rogers. And you're Bucky, James Buchanan Barnes-" The old man continued to talk, but Lance drowned him out. He wasn't in his body. He wasn't Lance. He was Bucky Barnes. Reformed assassin, and new avenger. "And this is your girlfriend, Y/N." The old man manages to get Lance's attention again with that simple sentence. Lance should probably have been freaking out. But he's been wishing for a new life for the last few months, being sick of what his life consisted of. And it seems that the universe had answered his prayers. He'd deal with the consequences later. But for right now, he'd gladly accept your love and Bucky's life.

====

Bucky probably overdid himself on the alcohol. It was the first time in 7 decades that the alcohol was actually affecting his body. He's been bar-hopping for the last 5 hours or so. Getting absolutely wasted on any substance he can get his hands on. Bucky's currently trying to convince another skinny, fake, blonde to come home with him.

"Come on baby. Don't you want to know what's it like to bed the famous Lance Tucker? You know gymnastics isn't the only event I got a gold in?" It was a terrible pickup line. For most sane people, it wouldn't have worked. But for the blonde, the bragging rights were reason enough to sleep with Bucky, well Lance. So that's how Bucky found himself behind the wheel of his car, extremely intoxicated driving his way back to his bedroom to finally taste that blonde.

Finally, Bucky thought, he was living.

====

With Lance finally realizing what was going on, he was able to convince Steve and you that "Bucky" had his memories back. How he was able to fool Steve was beyond him, but it got him out of the hospital. You called into work saying you were sick so you would be able to watch after "Bucky". He looked fine in the hospital but you wanted to make sure he was really okay. So that's why you planned a Harry Potter and cuddles marathon.

Lance was watching Harry Potter, with you cuddled into his side. His right arm around your shoulders. Sure, this technically wasn't his girlfriend, but he liked this. This felt more comfortable than some cheap hook up from the bar. It felt domesticated in a good way. Halfway through the first movie, you look up to your boyfriend, which talk about dreamboat, and say, "I love you Bucky. I hope you always know that."

Lance, knowing in part that he had to keep up appearances said, "I love you too, Y/N". But even as he said it, as foreign it might have seemed, it truly felt right saying it.

=====

The body-swap continued on for another two weeks. And Lance was loving every single moment of it. He felt love, real love, for once in his life. It was nice knowing that he had friends and a girlfriend who was with him to be with him. Not to worry whether the people who surrounded Lance were with him because they wanted to or if they wanted something. Lance felt like he died and gone to heaven. And he wishes that this will never end.

Bucky, on the other hand, was living in hell. And after the high of newness and excitement of the newness of this situation wore off, Bucky realized that he's the loneliest he's been in quite a long time. He's soon realized that as soon as the buzz wore out, and the dame he picked up from the bar left, he was alone. And this hurts Bucky. He doesn't get to wake up to your beautiful smile in the morning or hear your heartwarming laugh. Hell, he's even missing the stupid memes that Sam would always send to him.

One night, after having one too many drinks, Bucky finally snaps. "God, or whoever is out there, please give me back my life. I've learned my lesson. My life was good. Please," Bucky sobbed himself to sleep, wishing that he was back in his own body and longing for your warm embrace, once more.

=====

The universe has its own plan. And often, it is a way for us to learn something. The next morning, Bucky and Lance woke up in their own bodies again. Bucky woke up with a new dedication to his girlfriend, who very soon will hopefully become his fiance, his friends, his teammates, and even his own body. He recommitted himself to being present and realizing every single blessing in his life.

Lance, on the other hand, woke up with a dedication to change his life around. He would work hard for it because he learned that drinking his way through life was no way to live. He would work hard so that he could have a wife, and a family to come home to after a hard day at work. And, thankfully, Lance would have that one day.

The universe has its own plan. We might not know where we fit in it, but every single one of us is where we are for a reason. Some, like Bucky, need to be reminded of that every so often. Others, like Lance, need to find their own place. The place of true happiness will always be shown if we are willing to look and work hard for it.

#THE HBC #hbc freaky friday #Bucky Barnes #lance tucker x reader

[inhalareexhalare]

The Dean Team and the Victim Reflex

...Ms. Charree expected me to join them for lunch! I was happy to join. She seems to like seeing me become more social and more emotionally open. I also decided to tuck my slightly over-sized collared shirt today, since upon looking at a mirror, I saw the imbalance in my visual appearance; I always loved wearing cardigans, but loose shirt plus dangling cardigan is a shapeless creature. 

Coincidentally, Ms. Charree had been egging me on to wear crop-tops since yesterday, and I got reminded of that when she smiled, seeing that I’m making an effort now, even just a bit.

I worry if she thinks I’m lying when I tell her that I eat with my old org-mates for lunch sometimes haha. Ms. Dianne also worries about that, but I think she won’t tell me. They’re both worried that I’m hiding from social interactions. They’re half-correct.

This time, I got to eat with Ms. May too! There were four of us, with Ms. Bel. Ms. May doesn’t talk a lot. More because she’s a bit older than any of us three. I’m going 23 this year, Ms. Bel is probably in her late 20s, MS. Charree alse in her late 20s. Ms. May seems to be in her late 30s. She usually can’t relate unless it is about habits or discipline or kids haha. In general she isn’t very talkative either but blends well with people, much unlike me when I first joined them.

Ms. Charre is... how do I put it. She’s crazy hiding under elegance. She isn’t even hiding the crazy part haha. She just looks so ladylike when she’s in a neutral mood. I can still see her teen-rebel self even now. She becomes irresponsible when paired with Ms. Bel.

Ms. Bel is a health-conscious environmentalist. Although she doesn’t want to be considered any of those things because she still has trouble having a completely zero-waste lifestyle. More like, it’s impossible haha. But I love her passion when she talks about these things. She fights for what she believes in, but knows her boundaries and won’t force you to subscribe in what she stands for.

It’s been fun! Too bad I can’t hang out with all of them at once. The other big group (Ms. Len and the gang) is too many for one room and inviting these three people would create chaos and smaller space for individuals to shine.

I want to hagn out with all of them in moderation (since I still haven’t built up good social stamina), but if I’m going to have to choose, I’ll go with Dean’s for now (we’re secretaries under the Dean, Ms. Charree, Ms. Bel, and Ms. May)

I guess I’ll call the other group the Big group haha.

Comments? 

Weakness: 

(1) I unconsciously grab my phone and open PDFs to read when I hear dead air. The problem is, it breaks my attention from my social goals. And, it helps me ignore my share of responsibility in the group dynamics/atmosphere. I didn’t get to read though, thank goodness. But opening it is already a no-no.

(2) My thought to tongue translation still needs work, so that I can express context and content clearly to people I speak with.

Strength: 

(1) I don’t write journal entries in the moment anymore. As I said in the previous paragraph, it breaks my attention. 

(2) I have more initiative to ask now too, despite still lacking good thought translation. 

(3) There is a bit more comfort in what I call the sufficient-frequency of eye contact now. (too much or too little are both no-no’s!) I observed that Ms. May opened up more in different topics when I initiate a dialogue with her when I share my opinions while making sure to match her eye contact timing.

plus bonus long rant:

I’m also gonna post my tucked-in shape here, for the sake of exercising a bit of shamelessness. I’ve always been fine with my body type, but other people having different perspectives sort of encouraged me to be more doubtful of my body image. I’m severely underweight. For most of my life from elementary. My mom said I was heavy at birth, but I haven’t really weighed myself again until elementary at PE and discovered I was, yes, severely underweight.

Also, it doesn’t help that my arms are naturally proportionally longer than they should be compared to my somewhat long legs. But I’m not so tall. I’m just 5′2 feet tall. So don’t imagine a slenderwoman just yet. I mean relatively long. Longer arms make my arms look even thinner bwahaha This was why my official pen-surname is Armslong. Lobo Armslong. HAHA

I don’t get sick a lot. Besides when I lack sleep for consecutive days, my immune system is actually pretty good on its own, without vitamins and shit. Though my attention problem during eating when I was from the age of ~4 until ~9-ish years probably contributed to me developing a small body, my bones are actually also really thin (dense?) as you might have seen from the little pictures I post. Wrists don’t enlarge. That’s just bone size. Also, my mom was as thin as me for most of her life (she had my body when she got married. She was real pretty though! So beautiful she was, even in her last moment alive in this world with her socially acceptably “normalized” body), until she reached around the early 40s and gave birth to us siblings. (She had trouble forming a child.)

I eat double the amount that my peers do, and healthier food too, and the most I’ve gained in years is 2 kilos. It normalizes back. I am stronger than most of the girls I know (except a few extreme exceptions, like martial arts practitioners). I do have some slightly more developed muscles and they show now, but it’s like it’s the only flesh I got; I have no fat.

I was worried for Karu and I and our potential child/children since I do consider the possibility that this is unhealthy even if my body is working just fine and actively. What if my body can’t take it? And what if my body is incapable of giving enough nutrients? Typical practice in the field of medicine is that the life of the mother comes first. But I don’t want to waste opportunities and time and resources and tears and blood just to cause someone else pain. But it seems this is normal... Waste analysis (feces and urine) shows that my digestion is pretty okay. Nothing weird.

But doctors keep telling me to eat better and buff up some muscles. I strengthen my body with work-outs and dance, and with Karu around, I have the healthiest diet in my whole life since my mom, but my weight doesn’t change.

Anywayyy, nothing big. Just leavin’ this here. For myself, really.

wrist btw. 

2019-02-21 14:41 Philippines Thursday

I should be careful to balance some good time with myself.

It's been fun recently, but I must not let myself lose my way. Exciting things can be so intoxicating.

Balance, balance.

I wonder if Karu's at home today? I don't feel like I have to know, and I won't ask. But right now, I'm actually looking forward to, and getting excited planning what good time I'm gonna give myself!

If Karu wouldn't be home, what fun would I do?

And if he is, it'd be fun to experience being alone despite him being around!

2019-02-21 18:06 Philippines Thursday

Huh. Tonight's the first night I ever didn't compulsively look up to see whether there were people upstairs.

My body literally feels light. I have more confidence in the presence of more people now. Maximum of five now, in contrast to two before.

But I won't get sidetracked. I'm here for self time. Reflection.

2019-02-21 18:52 Philippines Thursday

So I had some awesome self time! I got to listen to my old music tastes for the sake of memories, I got to see my super old college original character designs (two of my best ones, Loki and Liam), finish three scribbles for the Peak posts, write my third poem of the day, and meditate in silence.

I took a nap to rest my eyes and to conserve energy. And I got to do this all without a shred of hate nor sadness towards anyone or anything. Despite it being so late, and despite Karu still being away, and despite not having dinner yet.

A pair of feet scrambling around woke me up, and there was Karu! I was overjoyed! I did my best to express that through my voice. I was so proud of being able to be comfortable on my own tonight, and there was balance between my social mission and my self mission, my day and night.

And then, Karu's voice started to sound too loud. He said I should go eat ahead of him. His adrenaline was clearly still pumping. He just got finished with his long errands. For some reason, he scared me. No, the phrasing is wrong: I was scared of him. All he did was give me a light tap to the cheek as a jest form of reprimand when I wanted to say that I had fun waiting for him tonight without panicking or blaming for the first time in a long time.

Then I cried. Quietly as I can. It was hard to breathe. I needed the open window.

And then Karu's energy calmed down amd he wondered what was going on. He did well trying to comfort me and be as safe as he can be even though he didn't know yet that I was afraid of him. But I got to tell him, after a few minutes of being mute. I know he was worried about me. He only really was doing what he can to take care of me.

But that's also why Ma used to beat me up when I was a kid. (I'm thinking now that maybe my childhood reflexes are related to this.) As a kid, I understood enough that she really loved me, and she only ever wanted the best for me. No one can be perfect. Everyone has flaws. One of my angelic mother's was poor anger management. (Even Karu's better at it now than she was before. But she recovered and improved A LOT before she died.)

Everyone has flaws. I wanted to be able to embrace hers. I wanted to understand her better. I wanted to make it work. And we did love each other a lot. But punches still hurt, that's the thing. A slap on the lips tear open the skin and blood comes gushing out. It all still hurts. So in some way, I had to develop my own way of defending myself. I would get destroyed if I didn't.

Fear. Fear became a new sensation. It protected me, and motivated me to keep away from harm, from damage my little body is not built to take. I began internalizing all the unintentionally hurtful things she started to say. I was wrong, I was stupid, I was useless, I was... Many things. All those things, she proved deserved pain.

(Please don't hate my mom. She didn't know how to cope well. We were four siblings, and she had to take care of all of us. In a traditional Chinese family, the dad only takes care of business. Moms hire helping hands but would still prefer to take care of all the children anyway.

It's not her fault. And it's also my responsibility to learn to take care of myself better.)

But now I should know better. I'll be okay.

I'm still learning.

Anyway, so when Karu became a potential threat in my mind, two things happened that led to a major thing:

(1) I got scared of him. I preferred to be inferior and quiet to him. I started to feel that I make wrong decisions and that I can't make decisions, and my feelings don't matter.

(2) I felt discouraged. I feel guilty about wanting to celebrate my latest self improvements.

...And my posture broke.

I'm not kidding. This is a major thing to me. I adapted to the dancer's upright posture, and it honestly gives me a good flow of energy. Having the posture gives me energy, and having energy gives me the posture.

But it broke. Unconsciously. I notice that my back is slouched when I feel depressed or weak or inferior or shit. So you know. Quite a big thing to realize.

Now, writing all these things and accomplishing one of my missions (putting thoughts into words a.k.a. Oral Thought Expression) were good. I told Karu my perspective of today and tonight.

And he gave me his. I've calmed down.

2019-02-21 23:03 Philippines Thursday

This part of my head must somewhat be rewired though. It's better to replace this reaction where I drop myself and roll into a ball (not literally, although I would hug my knees and break my posture so I guess the ball part isn't far off).

It's another thing to overwrite.

But how?

A raised voice isn't exactly a trigger though. I deal with those reactions "excellently" as people at work would say. I humble myself (but not belittle) and allow the other party to have time to cool down. Their favorite was that I​ don't hold any of it against them personally. Apparently I was good at handling prideful doctorate professors.

I am sidetracked. A raised voice does not suffice as a trigger.

Here are the noticeable requirements. They must all exist:

(1) raised voice (has to be directed at me, claiming the stress/problem is BECAUSE of/IS me whether or not it's true)

(2) physical contact/pain

(3) the source being someone I deeply love or highly respect

Sometimes number (2) is not necessary. Like my father's case. I immediately feel all the things he blurts out when he's desperate to be in control are true—ignorant, unbecoming, stupid, dumb, stupid, a waste of resources, a waste of time. I wouldn't give a shit if one of my highschool friends told me that, but because it's him, I instantly take the inferior position and join him in beating myself up mentally.

I'm not isolating this possibility to mere coincidence either. It's the same with my beloved sister Nynaeve who has never done anything particularly abusive to me. There were at least two instances when she snapped from so much stress and her words ripped though me. I took it to heart emotionally even though I knew the truth was that she was just stressed. I almost immediately assumed a surprising inferior position then, and almost cried, feeling like I'm going to be deprived of my sister's love forever. That was unusual because we always treated each other as equals, and I usually responded to her stress in a calm manner (so I guess the difference that made it was that the stress in those specific instances was directed at me).

Heck, when I was raped and physically beat up, I had full capacity to speak calmly and I even tried fighting back (when his skills were proven lethal, I resorted to calming him down. Instant victory/ escape weren't options).

His identity in my emotional aspect still freaked me out so much after the incident though, but less so now. I still don't think myself a victim. I don't give enough shit about him to be hurt, other than physically. In a way, you could say I'm only really actually hurt mentally/emotionally.

So now, what are the things I can do?

(1) Of course, communication is a must. Since this is the human condition that I have, it's important to let the other party know, while making sure they know they are not a monster and I am not a victim. I was just too used to feeling like one, so I now have this victim reflex (oh that's a good name)

(2) Take time off. It's necessary to have a quiet time to recover and assess the situation inside and outside properly. It would allow me to both (a) be reminded that it's just my victim reflex acting up, and (b) be available to empathize and understand more clearly the why of the other party's actions.

This ensures that I am in a proper state of mind before I choose my next moves.

2019-02-21 23:52 Philippines Thursday

#chrono7 #social #mission #goal #fashion #body image #health #victim reflex #cry #fear

[magicallymango]

Clone OCs!!!!

They all make up Sabre Squad, Jade Company. Captain Petal - this smol bean worked so hard for his captaincy. He wasn't really taken seriously when he was younger because he's rather flamboyant. He's carefree and very cheerful, but oh hell he has Captain mode and takes no shit from no one. He's got a bad habit of spending his credits on makeup. Seriously. He's the kind of person to take off his helmet and have flawless eyeliner. He's got a shit ton of floral tattoos, on both arms and much of his chest. Courtesy of his brother Attie. He's got his philtrum pierced, and has a dermal on his cheekbone. Super cute 💕 His hair is fun! It's shaved on both sides but long on top. It's bleached white, and the ends often change colour, but it's usually pink. He's all about destroying social standards of masculinity. Attie - Short for Atin, which is mando'a for 'stubborn'. Yes, I know, the name is taken, but that's why it became Attie! He's been through a hell of a lot... poor kid was caught smuggling food to his brothers when they were little, so he was reconditioned. Because he was so young, it really messed with him. He has some severe anxiety, which wasn't exactly helped by losing his closest brother. He's put a lot of time and effort into learning how to tattoo, actually. Partly stress relief. A good artistic outlet! After his closest brother died, it took him a long time to open up to his other brothers in Sabre, but he eventually did! His best friend is Sticks, the classic grumpy medic! Attie keeps his hair a bit longer, so it's curly and cute, like a fluffy mop. He's got a series of lines and dots tattooed on his chin, just for funsies. Other than that, he is absolutely COVERED in ink. All his own work. Sticks - the classic grumpy medic. He's actually a pretty good guy. He's been extremely good to Attie, and actually took a big interest in psychology in order to help Attie with his anxiety and the PTSD he and his brothers suffer. He's the one to always be over prepared; way too much medical supplies, extra socks, snacks, you name it. He's the only one without excessive body mods, but he does have a few little tattoos, and his ears are all pierced. Pekoe - like his name suggests, he's a SLUT for tea. Always has been. He got his name because he had a tendency to drink nothing but whatever piss-water substitute for tea they had on Kamino, but when he finally got his hands on real tea, he fucking BATHED in that shit. There's always tea in his kit. He's like the mom friend who has tea for everyone when they need it and will always spike it with whatever booze is nearby. His head is shaved, mostly because he's got a wicked scar that kind of makes a full head of hair look funny. Daxx - hell, I dunno where his name comes from, it sounded dope. He's a real big softie, with a big dopey grin. He's a bit of a joker, but he's actually really terrible at them. He tries. Everyone loves Daxx. Literally, his first day on the job, he didn't account for his Jedi commander's stature when he gave her an emergency stim, and totally intoxicated her. Whoops. Literal human trash. I love him. He tried! During one of his missions he was caught in a mine explosion and got trapped between a boulder and a wall, causing some pretty serious internal and spinal damage. It's a LOT of extra backstory for what happened, but he survived and his brothers pretty much protected him as he was healing, hiding him to keep him from being deemed useless. He learned to pilot in that time and became pretty great at it! He does walk with a limp, but the boi is much better. Daxx keeps his hair long enough to gel it back (read literal trash), but it's actually pretty cute, especially because it's dyed a midnight blue. He has his labret pierced, which is adorable, and his ear lobes are stretched a bit. He's got one tattooed sleeve, literally of just random designs. He willingly became Attie's doodle pad for a time. I love my boys. I didn't give them numbers because well, they're more than numbers. They good! There's more I could say, I just wanted to go over the basics lol.

#clone ocs #the clone wars #swtcw #Star Wars #my ocs #clones #plz talk to me about my boys #I'm always down for rp too #I want to draw them #but I'm pretty mediocre

[jamesharringtoncreativeworks]

Hi Jim,

I’m currently trying to create some characters for my book, but am having trouble. I just finished reading Drakin and was wondering if you could tell me who your favorite character is out of all the books you’ve ever written. It would be helpful if you could go through how you created that character. Thanks!

TLoki

Hi “Tloki”,

I think I may have covered this previously, but I can’t find the original post, so I’ll go over it again. I actually have two that I really love. So one comes in first with the other very close behind.

Let’s start off with the runner-up:

Mary Jane Kelly – Soul Siphon 

Mary Jane Kelly is actually not original, in that I didn’t create her out of thin air. Because Soul Siphon is basically a story about a group of undead warriors who do the bidding of a disgruntled angel, I wanted to have one character whose murder was fairly well known aka, someone who actually existed. I thought it would add quite a bit of color to the story.

I knew I had to be careful here. I didn’t want to be disrespectful to the dead and certainly didn’t want to offend anyone’s family.  So I went back over some of the most famous murders that people remember… The Simpson murders were too recent, the Manson Family murders still had family that would likely not be too happy about what I intended to do, plus both of those… well… I mean they kind of faded over time. I wanted something… for lack of a more appropriate term, more enduring in the murder mystery world.

Then I decided to go back to my own studies of the Jack the Ripper case in college. (Yes, I did recreational research in college.) There were five (potentially more) perfect examples of what I was looking for. All I had to do was pick one that fit the role I was looking for; Relatively young, female, unmarried. So I went through the canonical victims to see if any of them matched what I was looking for…

Mary Ann Nichols – 43 years old… too old, and based on her biography… a bit too run down for what I was looking for.

Annie Chapman – 47… again, too old. Married to a relative and had children… okay no. I know that was common back then, but… just no. Plus, she was noted as being depressed on had given up on like. I really didn’t think I could write her as the character I wanted to create.

Elizabeth Stride – 44 (yeah this was the pattern). Too tall, married… and so on.

Catherine Eddowes – I actually really wanted to go with her given the mystery surrounding her death and the ‘from Hell’ letter. However, again too old, the description of her is too vague, and I had very little else to go with in terms of her personality.

Mary Jane Kelly – At this point… admittedly I was ready to rule out the Jack the Ripper Victims. None of them fit the bill for what I was looking for. Then I re-read her bio… 25 years old, quarrelsome, known for becoming intoxicated and singing Irish songs. Possibly married, but never confirmed. Not exactly a prostitute like the others as she worked in a brothel. Yes, this I could work with.

There was just enough information on her to lay the groundwork for an interesting character. A foul-mouthed young woman, not afraid to speak her mind, and enjoyed a sip of alcahol every now and then. However, what about the rest of her personality? As a human being, there had to be more to her. Well… details on her life were extremely sketchy and most of them came from her ex-boyfriend, Joseph Barnett. So what was I going to do?

Well, Soul Siphon takes place in the modern day, so I literally had around 150 years after her death to work on character development.  Her backstory involved her being resurrected by the previously mentioned angel and imbued with immortality and powers reflecting how she died; She could shroud herself in the shadows, move silently, possessed super-human speed, and was extremely proficient with knives. She was then given leave to hunt down Jack the Ripper, whom she was actually able to identify. However, she spent a lot of her time trying to protect the other brothel workers from being roughed up in White Chapel. When she finally located Jack the Ripper, she failed to catch him and kill him. He alluded her for years before dying on a shipwreck, fleeing the country. She then came to find out that he was responsible for even more deaths. Her failure cost even more lives.

At this point, I added a level of regret and bitterness to the character as well as personality depth. I don’t want to give too much away, but she’s actually probably the least dynamic character in the book. That being said, as you learn more about her, you realize the character she actually has is very admirable.

I guess I really love this character because she was really fun to research and write. I don’t know if she’s anything like the real Mary Kelly, but I did my best to guestimate what she’d be like in that situation. I am actually thrilled with how she came out.

And with that… my favorite character of the ones I created…

General Xaphan – Damnation/Soul Siphon

So this character went through a lot of developement. After writing Divinity, I began to entertain the idea of writing a sequel but didn’t want to do a direct continuation of the original story. I needed a new story with new characters set in the same universe. So I set out trying to create the main character… and failed over and over again. I just couldn’t create the warrior angel that I truly wanted to.

After several failures, I decided to go back and look at some of the other stories I’d written that could never be published. I stumbled across the first full-length novel I’d written, which was a Star Wars fanfic: The Face of Evil.

The primary character in that story was the villain, Darth Malys. A young Jedi that had turned her back on the order. She was extremely powerful but had trouble controlling her energy, or her emotions. She was a competent warrior and brilliant strategist that nearly brought the galaxy to its knees.

I remember how much I loved this character, but she’d never really see the light of day outside of my circle of friends and blog posts. It was something I really regretted. At that point, I began to try to figure out a way I could actually use her as a character in my new book. Granted, a few things would have to be changed, but I felt I could make it work.

General Xaphan was born out of that character. I borrowed her name and backstory from Collin de Plancy’s Dictionnaire Infernal and merged that with Darth Malys. A relatively young, but capable commander and warrior, and a brilliant strategist. Instead of a fallen Jedi, she was an angel who sided with Lucifer when he rose up against the Most High. She completely believed in Lucifer’s cause to free their angelic brothers and sisters from an eternity of servitude and commanded his forces in battle. Though absolutely ruthless in combat, she viewed the spilling of angelic blood to be a terrible waste, and when attacking non-military targets, she’d offer the civilians a warning before the attack took place. There were no civilian casualties when the Celestial Temple burned thanks to her disobeying Lucifer’s orders and warning the inhabitants. She fought against her counterpart, St. Michael to a stalemate for eons until Lucifers forces were finally defeated. She fled and began a resistance movement in the Celestial World until she was captured and exiled to the underworld. Her time there made her angry. Eventually, Lucifer sent her to the mortal world to do some reconnaisance. To do this, she was given a human form and had her memory wiped. During her time on Earth, she became involved with a young Florentine Soldier, whom she married and spent several years with before Lucifer came for her. After the events of Divinity, Lucifer no longer possessed the ability to remove the human memories from her and instead simply restored her original memories, hoping they would overpower the human. The result was a fractured personality and a divided conscience that made it difficult for her to reconcile her existence. She wound up fighting with herself over whether she truly wanted to continue her role as Lucifer’s general or live out her days with the human she loved so much. That’s pretty much where the adventure begins.

I loved this character so much that I wanted to have a physical representation of her on the cover of the book, something I’d never done before. I knew I couldn’t use my concept sketches of her, but I had to figure out something…

Fortunately for me, one of my friends is a fairly brilliant photographer,  who specializes in dark and very mystical shoots. I had all but given up on my hope to create the character because I couldn’t find a model to fit the bill… that was of course until he posted one particular piece that I admittedly thought was absolutely awesome. The image is still one of the backgrounds on my computer:

The more I looked at the picture, the more I realized… wow, she actually looks a lot like what I’m going for! That face looked shockingly similar to some of the concept art I’d done. I went back and looked at the other photo he posted from that shoot…

Sold, this model looked the part. We worked the whole thing out and he returned with a great photo for me to use. Then I had the graphic designer I work with, Brett Warniers, create my character.

The results pretty much spoke for themselves.

After Publishing Damnation, I wanted to use this character again in some form, so I gave her a cameo appearance in my next book, Soul Siphon.

So there you go.

  Readers,

Do you have a question about writing, publishing, my stories, etc? Please feel free to post a comment or email me.

[email protected]

I’ll use those comments to select my next blog post.

I have been writing for several years, have 4 published works, experience with publishing and independent work, so I can hopefully be of assistance.

Please note, I only do one of these a day and will do my best to respond to everyone, but it may take some time.

Also, feel free to check out my works of Fantasy and Historical Fiction, Available on Amazon and where ever books are sold. See the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/James-Harrington/e/B00P7FBXTU

Note: If you have read my books, PLEASE log into Amazon and post a review. I really love to hear everyone’s thoughts and constructive criticisms. Reviews help get my book attention and word of mouth is everything in this business!

Thanks friends!

Catch you on the flip side!

-Jim

Picking Favorites… Hi Jim, I'm currently trying to create some characters for my book, but am having trouble. I just finished reading Drakin and was wondering if you could tell me who your favorite character is out of all the books you've ever written.

#fantasy #fiction #literature #physics #science fiction #time travel #writing