#honestly the better option would have been to turn my original main blog into a side blog. would be neat for that to be an option.

[mistressmooncake]

Wow it's been a while. Over a year. So much changed.

I ended up in a monogamous relationship with the last boy. I loved him deeply. He has some pretty severe epilepsy. We tried to move out together. Lasted 3 weeks. A medicsl conditikn he has worsened and he had to return to family. We've broken up... it's been brutal... there's a lot more to it and he has had to go back to his grandparents. A relationship isn't very feasible. But it still hurts a lot... I miss him very much. I know many in my life are shitty and angry about it. But there's so much he can't control. I didn't care he was disabled. I loved him... I still do. His sister thinks it will all come around. I guess we'll see. I am not exactly looking.

He's angry. He lost his home. He has gone back to family but has no autonomy. I went home to mom but that was where I was before. I think it's easier to be mad at me for things too. His pride is destroyed. He can't move an hour from family. I think he's realised the extent of his disability.

I was sad and got some dating apps and tried for a couple Fridays, a week apart. The options out there are just... dismal. Just.. my god... It's disheartening, but then I remind myself I'm really not going to find someone on an app. It's just not genuine to me. I find it too hard to connect. Being demi, I need SOME rapport. I'm too old for this ho shit.

Feeling down, I ended up seeing one of the boys I originally began blogging here about my first bb boy. The young one I'd go on drives with. He lost his licence but came when called and paid rideshare. It's not the start of something big again, but it was so nice. We chatted, he cuddled me and kissed my forehead and cheeks while playing with my pussy. He was more aggressive with biting, I liked it. His body is so tight, he's still magnificent and his cum still takes like fucking honey. He fucked me after and he openly took more dominance pushing my head down and grabbing my hair while fucking me from behind. He hasnt much stamina but he's so fun and sexy. Hes also just amazing to talk to.

He said he hasn't had anyone since me in 2021, which i was floored about. He's certainly not unattractive but a bit aloof, and I know he wouldn't pick up on girls trying to flirt. He doesn't care. Originally, i had to be near explicit with my intentions. I tried to see him last weekend but he was busy and that's OK. The fact he has been responsive is really nice. He may be a bit here and there, but he's honestly the kind of steadfast friend who is always kind there in the shadows. A real Taurus. He's got a good heart and I love him for it. It's better for me as he's familair, I just can't build something new right now.

Another ex, one I dated at 19. I think is interested in fucking again. He helped me move back home after my bf just left me. He's always been interested in me, and he's still hot af. There's some distance but I'm considering seeing him.

One of the main reasons I'm here, tho is just to write out about my boss... Well, he was my boss, but right now we're equal and intertwined with his position. When he was just my boss we had a good rapport. I trust him, he's funny, so damn smart which is one of my biggest turn ons. We have a lot in common and he sees many things I don't. I have great respect for him. He was always kinda oddly handsome. Being demi ace, I become more attracted to people over time.

Since backfilling this higher role and working closer with him, God damn I have become ridiculously attracted to him. But the funny thing is, I think he is attracted to me. Nothing serious has happened and I don't think anything will. He's married with 4 kids and I respect his wife she sounds amazing. Frankly I'd be their pet but I don't think his wife would be a kinkster like that. I think a situation like that could the wildest dream he didn't think was possible.

Some weird things have happened between Boss and i since i moved up. We don't see each other as often as he's not my direct boss. He's there when I'm not and vice versa. When he's my boss, he has to check in with me and see me in person. So we finally saw each other cause we were hiring and doing interviews together. At one point between interviews we were talking and I think we agreed on something. The look we gave each other was positively doe eyed. Both of us. We were very close and when we turned our faces toward each other we were probably the closest we've come.

Then something weirder happened later that day. We have disability bathroom's, they are gendered but even the male has a sanitary bin, and the women's was locked the men's was green, unlocked. I open the door and he is doing up his pants around his hips. He is thankfully mostly clothed and I don't see anything. I give a little shriek and go "OH MY GOD SORRY!!!"

And HE says casually "no it's OK you can come in".

.... what!?

I go "What!? No! Lock the door!!!"

He kinda seemed to con on and apologised I said that it was OK I was glad he was already near done.

It was embarrassing but also kinda hot. What was that? Did he accidently think I'm his wife for a second?

I've not let it make anything weird... in fact we may be closer.

He was very upset for me when my recent bf left me and the rental we had so quickly. He knew i was devastated.. he frankly took the grunt of how fucked up I was. I think he was a bit mad at how brutalised I was. Even tho my ex has issues he can't help. Today we were in a video call and my phone buzzed and i looked over at it. I sighed and said it was my ex and it wasn't important, frankly I thought he was making an issue of a non issue. Boss sorted of gave a dark look to the side and quickly mumbled "sounds about right" and continued conversation. It was oddly flattering.

I wont lie. I've been trying to gently push the boundary a little... just for fun. I don't expect anything to happen. We never get to see each other it's not like we can fuckk in the office or anything AND I am NOT ruining his amazing life with his wife and children.

A couple days ago we were talking and something came up that made him mad. He never gets mad. Never raises his voice. In fact the one time I've seen him mad and raise his voice like this was exactly one year prior to this year. He got triggered about a subordinate who has been bratty lately but I also a terrible enabler. So he starts yelling about her and her behaviour and I'm like "I know I know.." and then he rounds on me! "BUT WHY DID YOU DO X!?" I was a bit: O.O

Me: please stop yelling at me ..

Boss: No!!! Why did you do X! You know better!

Then he calmed down and rubs his forehead and says "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I yelled.. "

Me: O.O ... no it was so hot..

I caught myself and apologised, "I'm sorry you never get mad and you never raise your voice at me and that was ridiculously attractive for some reason".

Risky. I know.

But he laughed and seemed flattered.

When we video call he is always smiling warmly at me. He always listens and provides his best input.

The way he reacted to my ex leaving me, I do think he cares about me in some way.

Ngl lewd thoughts have definitely crept into my mind about him. But I don't think it'd ever be acted on. I hope he thinks about fucking me sometimes when he fucks his beautiful wife.

#lifeblogging #sex blog #relationship blog #thoughts #secret life #diary entry #tumblr diary

[shevr]

I just  remembered I previously had a reblog blog on my main account  which I used more than I remembered, nearly 400 posts on it ( not that much but still )  I’ll probably go back and queue all that up to re-reblog it here 

#I don't know how im tumblring anymore like #I made this account separately cuz for an 'attempt at using tumblr more like a social/blogging place' (which I haven't figured out yet) #it felt better to keep the ability to follow people and have asks/replies as this account; all that #and didn't wanna do that on my original main blog because eventhough I never use it anymore it still feels like #'no but that's the serious account : for posting art and be a serious artist on' ( that's not going well either ) #but now everything 's split up and chaos. what do I do. #honestly the better option would have been to turn my original main blog into a side blog. would be neat for that to be an option. #whateveerrr #my previous reblog blog mostly had cool arts I liked n stuff not a ton of shitpost #shevr

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. 'she might be 100+ years old and just mentally stunted to 19!' so i dunno if this was smythe herself or fans but like. really just throwing out the creepy age gap and IMMEDIATELY replacing it with ableism huh? who doesn't love infantilization of people with cognitive developmental disabilities <3 i'd honestly prefer they just kept her creepily young to the weird ableist sexy-little-baby alternative. they do understand how that makes it MORE abusive, right?

2. lo hades is really like "i HAD to enslave the mortals! its tradition!" as if he didnt invent the tradition in the first place?? also its deadass like my man are you BLAMING the slaves for being enslaved by you? lo hades is literally evil for that im sorry yall.

3. So this may be old hat, but can we talk about how after Persephone changed (shifted?) Minthe into a plant that Hecate comes in and 1). Sasses Minthe the plant 2). Is way more excited about revealing her "true form" since Hades + Persephone are doing it, then about the potential murder (plant crime?) That Persephone commited (and yeah, I know she doesn't like Minthe that much but still). And 3). Tells Persephone that Minthe the plant is "cursed" all while arriving late because she was busy leading Demeter on a goose chase instead of helping her find her daughter.

Like I get why Hecate said that Minthe the plant is "Persephones responsibility" to fix and/or take care of - but like, seconds later doesn't Persephone almost drop her? Is Persephone - who vengefully turned her into a plant in the first place - really the best option to be looking over Minthe?

4. To self-insert anon, the moment readers can notice that it's self-insert, then the author/artist is doing a bad job. Readers should be able to be immersed into the story and its characters. How can they do that when readers can notice that main character is self-insert, so it reminds them of author/artist, thereby breaking the immersion. LO comic is getting paid, so readers expect better of RS. Persephone is actual Greek goddess, even in fiction, I don't want to remind me of anyone else but her.

5. So Athena has to look male? Non-binary for women just means no boobs and wearing male clothes lmfao

6. Unlike that one anon, Chiron being a woman is something I find very fitting. Why would a rape victim want to go to a man or AMAB no binary person for therapy? Get a grip! Women’s safety comes before your gender politics. Speaking of men being triggering for rape victims, P’s closeness to H is totally unrealistic. Her rape somehow makes her swoon further into his arms rather than avoid him. Great🙄

7. tbh the only way i could get LO gods being SO advanced SO fast is if they had some OP prophecy deity or some creator god like, advancing everything for them because they can see and take stuff from the future or something like that. it really makes no sense currently that they have this advanced tech thats even more advanced than ours currently. it's even more confusing bc they still cling to old ideas like virginity, purity, SLAVERY, and absolute monarchies at the same time? like why??

8. Can anons please stop speculating on what possible trauma or kinks or other personal stuff RS may or may not have. It's invasive, creepy and none of our business. (Love the blog!)

9. Lindsay Ellis has a great analysis on how women in media are often stripped from her positive qualities via-trauma to converting them into #yasqueen #girlboss characters and how some people call that the epitome of feminism, obviously she called that trend when she reviewed about Game of Thrones and the character of Sansa, unfortunately, I'm seeing this same trend with Persephone in LO, I will not be surprised if Rachel praises GoT ending in secret, I bet she and D&D will be very good friends 😂😂.

10. i honestly dont get why RS got hid of the glowing eyes/smoke her original concept hades had. it would have been some much needed visual interest to hades since all he looks like now is the disney hades put through the tumblr sexy man machine and it did a bad job. despite being literal gods with powers they lack so much mystic or actual fantasy to them, you know what i mean?

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lo critical #lore olympus critical

[soliavenne]

Ok here we go, ◇ anon here, let’s talk about this mess of a novel (good and bad). Unfortunately I don’t see an option to add the “read more” break in the submission editor - if you find a way feel fee because this will be quite long.

[warning: spoilers of Gaara Hidden from this point on also please read the original post first, this is just a response to the author of this blog]

Link to the post for reference! https://soliavenne.tumblr.com/post/637596997003722752/thoughts-on-gaara-hiden

1. I agree so hard with this one. While I don’t feel like he liked Hakuto in a romantic sense (I mean there was simply no time for that) - it was just heartbreaking that he compares getting an arranged marriage to dying - just the idea that he can’t even have a say in that part of his life is so sad … Then how he becomes hopeful it might be tolerable just because she is not immediately repulsed by him - tragic. 2. yes, just yes. I hate the thought that Kankuro is just like “nah my brother, who until now never showed interest in romantic relationships, should probably be forced to marry a random girl so I don’t have to” and Temari is just ok with it. I mean it’s true that this might be the only real option sometimes, especially when your marriage is a political affair - however, I would at least expect his siblings to get upset that their little brother is made to endure yet another thing because of the elders. I completely agree that it would seem more like Kankuro to consider taking that burden himself. He clearly has already taken on at least some responsibilities for Gaara’s sake (like helping him to support his leadership from the sidelines). Also - maybe it’s because Gaara is a male character - but I have a feeling if he had been a girl the writer might have put more focus on how cruel it is to force someone into a marriage. There was a lot of effort put into making him seem cool and calm in every situation - not so much on his emotional side. Gaara was never emotionless, far from it - he always had some scenes where he acted rather shy/flustered and it’s been shown that, while he is usually protected from physical injuries, the words and actions of others have the capacity to hurt him severely. To me, he feels like the one person you would not want to force in an intimate relationship with a stranger because there is just no way he wouldn’t take it very seriously and try his best no matter how the other person treats him.

3. agree completely. It didn’t feel like the Gaara we saw in the manga and anime up until that point. Although the novel was obviously approved by Kishimoto, I would say there are a lot of people here on tumblr who have a better grasp of Gaara’s character than the author of the novel - keeping in mind that writing a book takes more than fully understanding your main character. The focus was to make him appear cool and always on top of things - not to depict his emotional conflicts and more awkward side. 4. again yes - The point about his mother just feels like a plothole. I also don’t enjoy the thought that Gaara NEEDS a love interest. He has always been written very vaguely about this sort of thing, why not keep it like that? To me it didn’t feel like he was interested in her in that way, he met someone he admired but it really didn’t go anywhere. That space in the book could have been better spent on exploring relationships with existing characters or to add interesting parts about Suna’s culture and politics.

5. and 6. YES Now for the better parts:

1.I like this bit of added background - another part that feels like Suna is a mix of japanese and middle eastern cultures, same with the tea scene.

2. I feel like this line especially is a big reason why people feel like he is asexual or demi. It’s just interesting to see that he can read this type of thing and feel absolutely nothing from it. This supports the idea that he needs a strong emotional connection with people first and foremost. (And it makes him a character to relate to for people who are also on that spectrum. Even if it was never outwardly stated, for me this line hints severely at the fact that he is at least leaning towards the ace-spectrum, yet doesn’t exclude the possibility that he might find a partner one day.)

3. like stated in 1. I like that scene a lot - it’s a cute idea that Gaara would do little charms/rituals here and there because they might help in his daily life. Even he sometimes leans into things that would be superstition for others.

4. I remember telling you that part made me cry - it’s just such an emotional line. 5. This was so cute. I’m a firm believer that the book should have contained more of that and remove at least one of the new characters that ended up being insignificant. 6. For me this fits his character so well. gaara-obsession-blog has been referring to things like that in their analyses quite a bit - It makes sense for Gaara to abstain from things that could take away some of the control he fought for for so many years… 7. Adding to that - I found it interesting that they stated Gaara is very resistant to genjusu because he had to fight for his consciousness with shukaku for so many years. It fits the canon AND it fits his character - definitely one of the bits I appreciate. 8. I knew you would appreciate that line^^ I like the suggestion you made for an alternative plot. Another interesting part for me were the lines of Gaara addressing why he has never had a love interest. He talks about the fact that he believes the girls in the village who admire him, do so more because of the persona they imagine for him - he feels like they don’t truly like him. The line “and because of Temari’s stealthy handiwork in getting rid of unwanted admirers” still makes me think. I wouldn’t think Temari would actually hurt anyone wanting to get to know her brother. The games have a scene where she asks naruto to guard Gaara’s office while she has to leave for a short time. You are basically asked to send everyone away - if I remember correctly this includes people who are disguised as kankuro, a child who wants help with their cat, someone who just wants to see the kazekage in person and - most relevant here - one of the fangirls who wants to get close to gaara. To me, this means that Temari probably did her best to keep all the people away who were fascinated by Gaara because of his reputation - not, that she would actually go after a person who gets too close to him, who has genuine feelings and doesn’t bother Gaara. But this quote definitely made me consider its meaning for quite some time - I mean, if Temari truly wanted to keep someone away from Gaara at all cost - I’m sure it wouldn’t end well for them. I only hope Gaara became better at rejecting people’s requests - otherwise it must have been hell after she left and there was no one to guard his office– I’m sorry this turned out rather long - there is just so much in this book that either bothers me or makes me think if this fits the characters or not. I’m glad to talk about it with someone.◇

---

As expected as always, ◇. You took the words out of my mouth hands down. I also really appreciate the fact that you brought up a trivia from the games (I haven't played them yet AAAA) so it's a whole new interesting information that I wouldn't be able to learn if you didn't mention it! To be honest, the whole "Temari's stealthy work" didn't sit quite well with me at first as well, so I'm really happy that you cleared that up for me! That'd been such a huge help!

You have nothing to apologize for, ◇!  If anything I honestly love receiving your asks/submissions! They're very interesting and I could clearly see the efforts you invest in discussing your points in such a detailed way. You're also able to back it up effectively! It's honestly such a treat to read through. I enjoy them so much.

Thank you soo so much for having me as usual! The feeling is mutual, I'm glad I was able to talk about Gaara Hiden like this with you, ◇. :) <3

#gaara hiden #◇ #submission

[thebraingremlinsaremad]

Daily Blog #6: August 13, 2021

Okay, okay, I know it's a couples days later, but I can assure you that I did not forget; I purposefully, and kinda without a better option, didn't post on Friday, and you'll see why.

So the day started off pretty regularly: I got up, ate breakfast, got a shower, and then sat around playing games and watching YouTube for a bit.

That was until my friend showed up at my house...

He called me and said to come outside, so I did.

It wasn't long until I got into his car, and we started driving.

I definitely should have been more anxious or nervous heading out, but for some reason, I just sat there with my head absentmindedly poking out the window, not really thinking about it.

I really wish I had grasped the situation a little better.

We got down there after an hour and a half of driving and we parked a bit away because there were so many people there, so many people there, in fact, that we just got some food until it calmed down again.

It was gonna be a great fucking concert.

Hella Mega Tour 2021, originally supposed to be Hella Mega Tour 2020, but postponed for obvious reasons.

We shopped for a tiny bit beforehand, not buying anything, and then headed over to the stadium 45 minutes before the concert was set to start. We were let in about 10 minutes later, and we filled our contraband water bottles that we managed to hide on the way in.

We sat there for a bit, me just listening to music on my Redmi Buds 3 pro.

I love these things.

Pretty soon the music started, and it was The Interrupters; everyone was feeling pretty lazy for this bit.

It's not like they were bad or anything, they were actually pretty good, but I guess everyone was just getting situated and didn't wanna bother using up all of their energy lol.

So The Interrupters' set is up, and they tear down the stage and reset it. Before too terribly long, Weezer starts up, and there's a lot bigger reaction from the crowd than there was before: people knew the songs, like Africa, Buddy Holly, Beverly Hills, and Feels Like Summer to name a few.

I was getting into it a bit, I knew a good few of the songs, I was moving along, I sang a bit, took some video.

What's cool is that I could feel myself moving along the scale, like going from no excitement while no one was playing, then tapping my foot and grooving to The Interrupters.

When Weezer first came on, I was just sitting there like, "alright, this is good shit." Towards the end, I was quietly singing Buddy Holly, their last song for the night.

I say quietly because there was a lot more loudness to come.

I should add that, up until this point, the music had been kinda unbearably loud, the highs really piercing and hitting hard.

Additionally, up until this point, I had been trying my best to document the concert with videos and audio recordings; it wasn't so much about enjoying the concert, for I've always been taught just to record stuff and not worry about the concert.

I don't think I've ever really enjoyed any of the concerts I've ever been to; I was there, but I wasn't. I didn't really know too many of the songs, and I had only listened to the artists in passing, not to mention the fact that my mother had been at every other concert I've been to, which is stifling in itself. I really can't enjoy anything when she's around.

But here we were; it was starting to get dark, and Fall out Boy was coming onstage. The crowd was getting into it with Weezer, and it was time for Fall Out Boy. The energy here had far exceeded both Weezer and The Interrupters, and this went for me as well.

I was sitting there, singing along and still occasionally recording, but I didn't have my phone out too much. I started to dance in my seat with every song, for I knew almost every one: Sugar, We're Going Down, Centuries, My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark, Grand Theft Autumn/Where is Your Boy, The Last of the Real Ones, Save Rock And Roll, and Dance, Dance being a few.

Throughout this set, everyone was singing along, but the real fun had yet to begin; the scent of smoke from the flames and fireworks finding its way through the crowd, the music now strong instead of piercing, a sense of unity between everyone in this packed stadium, between people of all walks of life: men, women, children, transgender, cisgender, non-binary, gay, straight, lesbian, ace, black, white, Asian, Mexican, young, old, middle-aged, and everything in between and outside... It didn't matter who you were or where you came from; you were at a fucking party, and everyone was gonna fuck it up once the main act came on stage.

Meanwhile, everyone was more than happy to celebrate with Fall Out Boy and some of their greatest and most memorable tracks.

Part way through Fall Out Boy's set, I decided to get off of my ass and join the growing number of audience members who were really getting into the groove and feeling the music.

It was so close to becoming an explosion of energy once Fall Out Boy was about to leave the stage.

After they left, the set was torn down once again and set up for Green Day.

Their was a low mix of music playing through the speakers all the while things were being set up. Once the stage was set, the music continued for a bit, but was then cut and replaced with a voice and lyrics that everyone knew immediately.

"Is this the real life. Is this just fantasy."

The crowd sings along to every word.

"Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality."

Freddie's voice poured out into the crowd, and the crowd sang them right back.

"Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see"

The song continued, and the whole crowd sang to the very end.

This really goes to show how impactful some people and groups can be on our lives... Although no one at the show was connected to Queen or Freddie Mercury, everyone who came to see these 4 bands still knew this great group.

Once the song was over, a mix of some of the most famous rock anthems began to play:

"We will, we will rock you"

"I love rock and roll"

"Hey, Ho, let's go"

A glorious piece all lead up to the 4 running onstage, Billie Joe Armstrong, Jason White, Mike Dirnt, and Tre Cool, joined now by 2 new members, Jason Freese and Kevin Preston.

All at once, it was an explosion of strong and passionate guitar jamming, soon followed by the drums and vocals of American Idiot. All at once, the crowd was rocking along with bopping heads, stomping feet, and swaying bodies. I only had my phone out to record for a short moment before I put it away and scarcely removed it from my pants for the rest of the concert.

I couldn't help but feel cocky, as a bi/pansexual (idk which one lmao), being allowed to sing the line,

"Well maybe I'm the faggot America"

I was like, "You straight bastards better not be singing that line 🤣"

It was absolutely incredible; the crowd cheered passionately and wholeheartedly at the end of every song and solo, after every quote from the band.

The coolest part about the concert was the fact that everyone just lost themselves in the music, as well as that everyone, without hesitation, followed what Billie Joe said. He says jump? WE FUCKING JUMPED. He tells us to scream? We. Fucking. Screamed. And when he wanted us to sing, we sang. I mean, okay, we were singing the whole time xD. I'm sure we would've sang if he told us to and we weren't already doing so lmao. What he said was our law, and we were doing our jobs as the dutiful citizens of Suburbia by following those laws.

It really is hard to express the level of pure energy at this gathering, especially when it radiates from every point in the packed stadium.

I screamed so loud and hard, and sang so long and passionately, that my voice started to go. But. Guess. What.

When you're at a place like this, no matter what, you just have this insatiable urge to keep going no matter what. When my arm got tired of throwing my fist in the air, I kept fucking going and even used the other arm too.

It's such a strange feeling when you feel like you're about to give out, like your voice is gonna break, or you're gonna collapse from dehydration and exhaustion, but you find around you the strength and power to keep on going, no matter how quickly your vocal health deteriorates.

Ask my friend, I couldn't speak properly after that shit xD. He even threatened to send a video of me talking to my choral teacher, who honestly would have been mad at me lmao.

Meanwhile, Green Day is playing some of their greatest hits, old and new alike, and I knew every single fucking one of them. I sang every song, and only took a break between 2 of them to down my whole bottle of contraband water in 3 seconds flat.

At one point, the band stopped playing, and Billie spoke into the microphone.

"Get your pretty lights out. I wanna see the pretty lights."

Everyone got their phones out and turned the torches on, as per his command.

"Turn the house lights off."

The lights go off, and the stadium is lit up almost as bright as it had been before, but this time with the lights of thousands.

"Look at that."

It was honestly an incredible moment.

That brings me to another point: when you go to a concert, you're not just paying for the music, you're not just paying to see a band, you're paying for an experience.

Let me tell you, this was one hell of an experience.

If you don't leave a concert feeling fulfilled, then the performers didn't do their job of giving you the experience that you paid to be a part of. I'm so happy that these four bands, especially Green Day, were able to deliver.

I really did love every moment of that show, which is such a rarity for me. I'm really happy that my friend took my mother's place. I can't fucking enjoy everything when she's around.

Oh yes, it wouldn't be one of my daily blogs without me talking about how my mother consistently pisses me off. Don't worry, I have some happy shit left to end on.

I swear to fluff though, she always manages to ruin everything for me. When we went to see The Lion King on Broadway, she insisted on coming with. That meant that I wasn't able to relax in my seat because this disgusting woman was sitting next to me and I had to cram myself to the side of my chair away from her. It meant that I wasn't allowed to cry when Mufasa died or during Can You Feel The Love Tonight because I knew I'd get made fun of for it.

I even went to a Fall Out Boy concert before, her refusing to let me go myself, and I didn't sing a single song because she'd just tell me to let the professionals handle it.

And for fuck's sake, the time she compared me trying to fucking validate my existence as a trans person to her wanting a car... That will always fucking piss me off.

Sorry, I got sidetracked. I was talking about how she ruins everything for me.

I literally cannot be myself around her. I've always been judged and ridiculed by my parents, and still am. I can't enjoy anything when they're around because I'm too focused on trying not to get made fun of or yelled at.

That being said, that concert was absolutely fucking incredible. I was with thousands of people who felt the same way that I did, and I could fucking jam out if I wanted to.

Apart from everyone being really on top of their game, and Billie Joe basically not aging since he turned 25, the only really notable thing left to say about the performance was when they pulled a kid guitarist onstage. He played for a bit, and they ended up letting him keep the guitar lmao.

BEST PART IS:

I SAW THE KID AFTER THE CONCERT, AND I WAS LIKE,

"Omg, hey, can I get a selfie with you?"

I was trying to be really low-key and quiet cuz I didn't wanna draw too much attention to him lmao.

The security guard was like, "Yeah, sure, but hurry up."

I TOOK THE PIC REALLY QUICKLY AND THEN HEADED OUT

HERE IT IS

YES, OF COURSE I BLOCKED OUT MY FACE

But I absolutely love the vibes of this photo xD. It's blurry, the lighting is shit, and you can barely make out any details. It has a lot of character, and I would take this over a clean, clear photo any day.

Walking away, the kid's mom said, "You're like, the coolest kid ever now."

Agreed.

Then it was time to go home. Honestly, I didn't feel sad that it didn't last longer, or disappointed that I had to leave. I was actually very satisfied and fulfilled with what happened, which is honestly the way it should be.

Driving home, I stayed awake by sticking my arm out of the window and letting the cold rain hit fast like tiny needles.

I got home.

I passed out.

Although, that was technically on Saturday 🤔

ANYWAY, THIS IS MY LONG ASS BLOG FOR FRIDAY THE 13TH

I hope you enjoyed

Be good people!!!!

-Leonna

#Concert #Green Day #Fall Out Boy #Weezer #The Interrupters #Green Day Concert #Daily Blog #Blog #Trans #LGBTQ #alternative rock #Alternative #Pop Punk #Punk Rock

[esperantoauthor]

Pandemic Mental Health Check-In

Thanks for starting this check-in, @snarkyhag. Thanks to @20xbetterthanu, @gleefulpoppet, and @gorgxoxus for tagging me 💕 

I actually started filling this out right when you all were tagging me but, uh, it was honestly getting me down so I put it aside. So, I know I post ranty things on here sometimes but I mostly try to keep this a happy and upbeat place, because that is how I like it! But this got kind of real when I was filling it out so I’m going to stick it under a cut in case you just want to keep the happy tumblr vibes going and scroll on past.

How is everyone holding up?  

On the one hand, I feel like I have adapted to the situation and found my “new normal.” On the other hand, I have become a complete hermit, my job is way less enjoyable, I have now postponed my wedding twice, and none of this has been good for my mental health. I’m trying to live one day at a time and when I focus on that, I do alright...when I take a step back and think about things big picture it can all start to seem pretty grim. 

At the beginning of the pandemic, I was much more concerned about protecting those around me than getting sick myself. After seeing a friend my age be sick for months (she has been sick since April and still has not recovered) and finally get classified with “long-haul covid” and reading the multitude of articles about young healthy people ending up with long-term health complications after recovering from covid including mild cognitive impairment (it sounds cuter when they just say “foggy brain” but that is what that means i take it very seriously) I am now genuinely afraid for myself as well as others.

Then we have the political situations in the U.S. right now which has just been one devastating news story after another.

What are you doing to keep healthy?

Other than following the pandemic precautions, honestly not much. My job switched from being one where I was on my feet all day to a desk job and the only structured exercise I had (Pilates at the gym twice a week with a friend) isn’t available. I lack the willpower/motivation/know-how to get an at-home exercise routine going. Living in an apartment without much open floorspace definitely doesn’t help; I don’t even really have room to exercise freely on a yoga mat let alone set-up a stationary bike or something. We live in the a big city so going for walks is unappealing because there are people everywhere which means being vigilant and general covid anxiety. I guess we eat healthy-ish...it's not amazing but we do okay. I’m more focused on my mental health than my physical health right now, I guess. I’m taking my meds, having virtual visits with my therapist, and using my strategies.

Are you working, not working, working from home?

I am working from home, thanks to my request for work accommodations being approved (thank you ADA!). Our school closed (originally for one week) in late March and then never reopened so I have been working from home since then with very little time off. I worked part-time in the summer mostly because I knew that with quarantine in place it would be bad for my mental health to have no built-in structure and just sit at home all day. I didn’t realize that applying for disability accommodations to work from home was something I would qualify for (I got the impression it was only if you had a medical condition that made you more susceptible to covid-19 not for mental health conditions that are exacerbated by covid-19). Thankfully, it turned out that it WAS an option and I got it approved before students started school. Figuring out how to do “parallel” instruction (teaching to in-person and remote students at the same time) has been a big learning curve and I haven’t had to do a formal evaluation over zoom yet, but I’m figuring things out. If I hadn’t been approved to work from home I honestly think I would have quit. 

Anyone caring for kids or elders?

Thankfully, no. It’s just me, my fiance (who is healthy), and my tortoise. Sometimes I help out my brother by keeping my nephew occupied on facetime so he can have a work meeting or something.

What was you best/worst day?

My worst day was the day after George Floyd’s murder. I was obviously very upset and sad about what happened, but it also became the trigger point for me finally processing all of my grief about the multitude of death cause by the pandemic as a whole. Work was basically me zooming with kids and then sobbing during my prep time. I cried pretty much the whole day. I think because I was so focused on figuring out how to do remote teaching and just the day-to-day challenges, I hadn’t really had a moment to just fully mourn how many people had been and were dying. And then this amongst all of that, when people were fighting for their lives on ventilators, we had this completely senseless and avoidable death and it kind of pushed me over the edge. 

What inspires you?

People inspire me. People with their big hearts and their big ideas. People saving lives in our hospitals and desperately searching for treatments in their labs. People taking to the streets and fighting for their rights. Anyone who is fighting for a better tomorrow inspires me.

Are you taking up hobbies?

I started a needlepoint of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I should really finish that. Does making tumblr memes and oven charts count as a hobby?

What kind of content helps keep the joy on your dash?

Cute Klaine/Glee shit! Hilarious shitposting! People liveblogging my fic on tumblr ( 👀 @20xbetterthanu)! Watching @spookyklaine‘s reactions to my oven charts. @kurthummeldeservesbetter‘s lovely blog awards because they were just so positive!

Has life gone back to “normal” where you are

NOPE! Thankfully the Illinois governor takes the pandemic seriously so while things have started to open up a bit, it is definitely not normal. We are the level where some people are eating outdoors at restaurants. Me and my fiance are personally still in full quarantine mode where we do not leave the apartment except for essential items like groceries. We have done a handful of socially distanced hangouts where we sit six feet from our friends in their backyard and drink the stuff we brought with us. Also just today, I saw on the news that Chicago is getting additional covid-19 mitigations because the numbers are spiking again.

What are you doing for fun?

Well I made a tumblr, so that happened! Writing and reading fic, doing gleewatch, playing stardew valley, watching TV with my fiance. 

My big “fun” thing is that I started a weekly trivia game played over zoom with IRL friends that has been running since April or May. We started out with trivia videos a comedian I like made and now we make our own questions. I didn’t even really like trivia before this but it has become a very fun thing and my main social interaction that isn’t work or on the internet. We laugh a lot and it is a good time!

#personal #mental health #thanks for checking in with me ya'll #I swear I'm like mostly fine #I just...I'm also hyper honest so...yeah some things are not great

[retphienix]

Ah. What a game this has been so far.

Now I had a million thoughts I wanted to share as this played out, lord knows I’ll forget a good portion of them but that’s the nature of my own ineptitude- plenty of things I’ll remember MILES after this post or only if prompted in a specific way and that’s just how it is.

To start- this isn’t the end of DQ11 for the blog just yet. I usually don’t dive into post game unless it feels right or people ask and I’m convinced- and more or less both happened this time. It does feel right- I have definite goals I want to tackle before saying I’m happy with what I did here- and more than one person has mentioned that the post game is worth touching so I’ll be doing that.

Also, for those unfamiliar with my long winded utter mess of a finale post style I go for- this is a lot of rambling as I try my best to touch on my thoughts on the game overall because I like to share. Feel free to just press “J” on your keyboard and skip right passed this- I know **I** struggle to focus my eyes to read long winded posts so I won’t blame you.

Also also, in order to try and spark some of those thoughts I had during this recording the first bit is gonna be me re-watching it as I wait on the video to finish processing and saying what comes up.

To start- really wish there was a save point there lol. I get that it’s a painfully easy backtrack to the save point at the start of the castle- but still, I like convenience.

The Dark Lord’s first form is a huge step up from his form before absorbing Yggdrasil and this first form fight was fun and had me itching to say some good things about it but honestly? I want to save praise for the fight that deserves it- phase 2.

PHASE TWO THOUGH!? GOD TIER RPG FIGHT.

I’ve seen better, sure, but come on, we’ve ALL seen better at all times on all things especially considering preferences coming into it- this was a 10/10 boss fight, top to bottom.

Design? Beautiful. Even continued the DQ obsession with puns with his tail being Mordragon, that is so PERFECT so ‘chef kiss’ flawless and it’s just a name. I LOVE how he looks. I LOVE how he moves around the arena changing which head you’re facing.

I love how each had different strengths to contend with (which I abruptly fucked up, don’t call me out, I’ll prove I know what was going on right here and right now-). The dragon had strong melee and breath attacks while the dark lord himself had magic aplenty.

I even utilized swapping out for the first time ever not because I hadn’t seen the value beforehand (I’ve spoken on how interesting a strategic option it was seeing as every unit has unique moves to bring to the table and it costs nothing but ATB for that unit to do).

Now, I fucked that up, but I did it purely because this is the first fight up to this point that felt right to do so. It’s the first time the tactical value of switching out to buff defenses with Hendrik outvalued ignoring that option and maintaining my ATB on whomever I would switch out. THAT FELT SO GOOD! And then I let my braindead fingers buff defense on a magic phase and you see the point. It was brilliant but I was not!

I did end up ignoring the option after a few turns not because the value wasn’t there, but because he ALSO spams stat neutralizing moves which made me reconsider focusing so heavily on buffs and instead focusing on maintaining steady heals (mostly with Hustle dance).

This fight? Beautiful. I loved every second of it. I loved adjusting my playstyle on the fly, I loved finding my footing. I just loved it.

Beyond that- the ending. I got a chuckle out of how abrupt the credits come in. It seems to wind up for an end sequence only for Erik to say “Well, let’s go home” and it cuts to the credits- but THEN the credits ARE the end sequence so it wasn’t ACTUALLY as abrupt as it seemed, but it got a laugh out of me.

Now those credit scenes? I’m a sucker for games that make you fall in love with the characters and this was an ending catering to those characters. Not too much to say outside of “I was smiling the entire time” which is true.

There were a couple moments in that sequence that I said aloud “JUST HUG HIM YOU COWARD” to various characters, like Hero and Rab, or the two dorks (hero and Gemma), etc.

And they played on the mystique of the post game’s content well enough to pull people in I’d say- certainly more than what I recall DQ8 doing with the dragon trials.

I am probably wrong, but I recall the game drawing next to no attention to that post game content aside from a few moments in the game dragging you to the location only to not let you access it (hinting at more being there).

Anyway.

Honestly, after rambling about the video itself I feel a lot of what I wanted to say about DQ11 was said during the playthrough just fine. I rarely feel that way.

DQ11 was fun.

As a DQ fan, you can best believe I had fun.

As a stick in the mud who is disillusioned toward the game industry and doesn’t like a lot of the filth that accumulates within it- I obviously have a few negative thoughts on the game, but there really aren’t perfect games so much as perfect experiences based on how it affected you.

And I’ve voiced those annoyances plenty I think. For completion sake there are cut corners on animations that seem off when other places have a ton of attention to detail, that’s like bottom rung “I don’t actually give a shit” stuff though.

The bigger problems were Sugiyama is a horrible piece of human garbage and the game is lesser because of his influence on it. There are plenty of reasons behind that both big and small. Big- it feels gross having a human shitsack touching this game after having been so vocal for years- there are replacements at the ready and we still have his LGBT hating, war crime denying fingers handling the music? Shameful.

Small (but man did it fucking suck) being that every five minutes I was annoyed at the music in this game. It sounds Bad. And I mean both orchestral and midi, it’s not great compared to anything he made before for DQ, but the fact that it’s midi in this is EAR BLISTERING.

I’m not one to listen close to most music while playing for whatever reason- and I admit that knowing who’s responsible is half of why my ears tuned it in instead of tuning it out, but man I couldn’t help it and it sucks.

The same 3 second ear rattling loops are ALL OVER THE PLACE. Grandiose moments are cut short by bland midi tunes. MAIN STORY MOMENTS ARE LACKING MUSIC ALTOGETHER FOR SOME REASON? When the hero gets the flute and plays it for the first time it just DIDN’T MAKE A NOISE? Subsequent uses of the flute made a noise, but not the main first cutscene?

It’s a whole thing.

And don’t make me get that dirty capitalist pain in my chest over the fact the S version was released 2 months after this and includes so much content that SCREAMS “This already existed and we diced and quartered it specifically to create the illusion of ‘value’ for this release”. Disgusting, man. :/

Gameplay wise, the biggest complaint I have is so loaded and half hearted but I have to say it anyway.

DQ is good because it’s simple.

DQ can also be a little lacking because it’s simple.

This was the second most fun I’ve had playing a main series DQ game (DQIII just hits right), and it definitely has better gameplay (so my opinion is subjective) than the one I prefer to this. But it was also a bit too simple... But you can’t change that and be DQ, it’s complicated.

To just say it- other than the final boss every encounter was a bit too easy. And I know I overlevel, I know that’s the point, I know there’s a hard mode modifier- I KNOW, but the final boss was REALLY GOOD AND still not too hard, so the fact that most every other encounter did the minimum or the minimum +1 is a little tiny (just a bit) disappointing because the gameplay could have been that much better.

But. That could just be my head spinning tales and being a biased asshole especially since I’m not offering any solution here and I’m admitting it’s both “better than my favorite gameplay in the main series” and “probably can’t be made more involved without losing DQ simplicity”.

But I’d kill for some different or new systems on top of this- dual and triple techs from Chrono instead of RNG pep, bosses with more varied strategies instead of “stun 2-3 and do raid wide attack”.

A reason to care about elemental damage (both incoming and outgoing), plenty of little things that would just make the already solid as hell combat more interesting to participate in.

Story was honestly fantastic. I didn’t know how I was going to end that until I just let it come. It was. This is the best DQ story thus far, and not to limit it to that scope- this was a GOOD DAMNED STORY overall and I’ve played a fuckload of games with good stories.

Before this I was a sucker for the original trilogy’s overarching story, which is unfair because that’s 3 games and that’s an old story and it’s only “good” because it’s unprecedented. But this is just plain great.

It writes such beautiful characters- it tackles a variety of conflicts both big and small- you have Sylv and his dad, you have a possessed king declaring his daughter Jade dead and Jade knowingly betraying him without knowing he’s possessed, you have Erik giving up on life and only putting himself so deeply into this adventure as a means of escape, you have Hendrik’s loyalty being- I can’t pretend Hendrik fits in he’s fucking stupid and needs to ask questions because loyalty for the sake of loyalty isn’t interesting at all lol.

You have Rab believing the world is doomed and doing all he can with Jade up until they find you are alive. You have the INCREDIBLE story of Veronica and Serena- you have all these intensely lovable and understandable characters (and Hendrik) and the story is so much more about them than just about the dark lord and the hero.

It’s so much more about each of their conflicts and growth because all of that is HOW the hero will defeat the dark lord.

It’s just so much more... investing than any of the stories I’ve had in DQ before and strong as hell amongst stories beyond just DQ.

I loved this. It was emotional at times, it was downright depressing at times which I wouldn’t expect DQ to successfully hit, it was downright rewarding getting to know these characters and I feel fantastic having beaten this.

This game is fucking good. I finally understand why some people have told me this is their favorite DQ now. It... yeah I think it might be mine too.

I’d be much more likely to revisit DQ3 than this because it’s shorter and has a specific kind of RPG (class based with freely recruited partners instead of named party members) I find more fun to revisit, but yeah, I think I agree.

I think for main-series DQs this is it, this is my favorite. It has to be, right? It’s got so many INCREDIBLE story moments and it’s pretty and it plays great- yeah. Hell, Sylvando as a character and Serena and Veronica’s arc BY THEMSELVES convince me of that.

Still got nothing on DWM and DWM 2 on the GBC, WOOOOT! Didn’t expect this post to divert from a serious closing thoughts (despite there being a few more posts to come) topic to posting this did you?

Behold the true faces of DQ perfection.

#RetPlays #Dragon Quest 11 #Dragon Quest XI #Dragon Quest

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 50

The past week has been an abominably wild ride. I’m in the U.S, and we have had entirely too many shooting recently.  Add to that the fact that our election season is starting to ramp up, and the vitriol is spewing at work.  I’m a very opinionated person when it comes to politics and human rights (this really shouldn’t be a surprise if you’ve followed this far), and I try to keep the majority of it out of this story and off this blog.  That said, I’m down for some discourse if any of you want to message me.

Moving to the actual story: This chapter gives a bit of insight into where the story is going next, plus some of the background stuff I always have cluttering up my head.  It always gives me good material to show the different personalities and skill sets of the main and secondary characters.  Overall, I really like how this chapter turned out.

And don’t worry - that difficult conversation is coming very soon.

I managed to compose myself by the time the men came into my sister’s public room, but only just.  I hardly noticed the jostling on the couch as Tyche refused to move from my side and allow Maverick and Conor to sandwich me in between them like usual.  She elbowed me to get my attention, and only then did I realize that she was still sitting next to me. Maverick on my other side, with Conor on the floor leaning against mine and Maverick’s legs.

Antoine looked so amused at the situation, I thought he might explode. When I arched an eyebrow at him, he just shook his head and settled into the one perfectly empty chair.  “So, the festival?” he ventured.

Thank you for the safe ground, I thought before responding. “Overall, huge success.  I still have to debrief with Alistair tomorrow, but preliminary reports are pretty good.  There was a minor kerfluffle with a vendor before everything got set up, but we got that resolved pretty tidily.  I think so, at least.”

Tyche shook her head. “I don’t recall any vendor issues.”

“Exactly,” I pointed out. “Originally, there was going to be a location that specialized in a certain pork product, and Alistair caught it when the vendor wanted to be stationed where the Jainist cuisine ended up being.”

“But that was between….” Maverick trailed off, horrified. Conor’s shoulders shook with laughter, resulting in getting a swat on both shoulders – one from the pilot, one from my sister.  “Dude, it’s not funny!  That’s just deliberately being rude.  You don’t put pork between two groups who have religious prohibitions against it!”

Conor held his hands up in surrender. “I’m laughing at the tongue-lashing our Sophie probably gave the poor sod, I swear!”

“Actually, I didn’t.” Four heads turned to stare at me in disbelief. “Seriously. It was so much worse than you’re thinking, but I managed not to chew anyone out… much.  Remember all the gourmet bacon that was everywhere at the festival?  That was the guy.  For whatever reason, the vendor and Simon thought there was nothing wrong with having a bacon-themed stall.”

“At the same event that was intended to help everyone recover from the attack on the ship by a certain terrorist group?” Antoine asked quietly, in a tone that I had learned meant he was boiling mad.

“Yep,” I popped the last consonant in emphasis.  “I called him, pointed out how tasteless it was, and we decided instead to let the other alcoves feature the wares. To his credit, it never even crossed his mind that it was a bad idea. He was focused on the flavor list, and the vendor was focused on showing off like everyone else was.”

He nodded thoughtfully as my sister spoke. “So, the bacon gets out there, in the best possible way, without anyone being distracted by the connotation.”

“Pretty much. And, honestly? I think that particular vendor got better coverage than anyone else at the event… that stuff was everywhere.  Maple and bacon donuts, chocolates with candied bacon, on burgers, wrapped around seafood, you name it.”

“And that was the only vendor issue?” she asked.

I nodded, before switching gears. “Now, I want to hear about the low-stim portion of the event.  I have the official reports from everyone, and Alistair is going to give the highlights tomorrow, but I want to get an idea from you three how it plays against the regular session.”  Automatically, I started playing with Conor’s hair, just because it was by my hand. I had no idea how many times I had done that in the past, but I was very conscious of it right now.

Maverick spoke up, snapping me out of my distracted thoughts. “Well, it was a lot calmer, better lit, pretty much as intended.  With a very few exceptions, the vendors were much more relaxed during the low-stimulus session, too. I think that had a positive impact on the attendees, since they felt less like a bother.”

“There was definitely less resistance from the vendors in regards to food preferences in the earlier portion,” Antoine added.  “In the first session, when presented with a list of foods that were not an option, they largely cooperated. However, when we went back, this dropped by an estimated thirty percent.”

“That’s disappointing,” I muttered.

Maverick reached over to squeeze my hand gently. “Hey, on the plus side, the Japanese vendor kept the natto covered the entire time.”

“That was surprisingly popular,” my sister pointed out.  “Probably the novelty, from what you two told me about it. We may need to be on the lookout for natto-eating challenges in the near future.”

I shook with revulsion before composing myself. “To be fair, there are people who do actually like it, and it’s supposed to be very nutritious.  Don’t let our bias stop you from trying it. Just… please don’t do it when either of us is around?”

Conor took that chance to jump into the conversation. “Any of the typical disturbances you would see from a big event like that? Fights, drunk and disorderlies, that kind of thing?”

“I haven’t heard anything,” I responded cautiously. “And the alcohol was limited to two drinks per attendee, non-transferable.  Even at The Undine, the drinks were low or no content after each person had their allotment.  Xiomara will have the exact data, though.”

“Oh!” Tyche grabbed my arm for attention. “The quiet rooms? Huge success. I ducked in several of them both times I was there, and even toward the end of the festival, people were really respectful of them. Any groups were small, and they kept their voices at a whisper or a very low – “ She waved her hand at the word she was looking for. “Mutter. Not mutter. The other one. But that, yeah.”

Antoine chuckled at her excitement. “Yes, the attendees were keeping the noise to a minimum, as she says. It felt very much like walking into a library. You may receive some requests to keep the rooms in place, Sophia.”

Regretfully, I shook my head.  “I wish we could, but the majority of the space we used for the festival was only loaned to us by people who actually live there.  If those people want to keep the rooms as they are, they are more than welcome to the free re-decorating, but those are still private residences.  In fact, most of the people have already moved back in.” A collective groan came from everyone in the room, Conor going so far as to bury his face in my knee out of disappointment. “The best I can do is offer the design plans freely to everyone on the Ark, and I can talk to the Council about the demand for spaces like that. Maybe we can set up a few small libraries or botanical gardens throughout the ship, if Miys is okay with it.”

“I think the botanical gardens will go over well,” Conor offered, glancing up. “Noah is fond of air-cleaning plants, it turns out.  Calls them little trooplings.”  When Maverick furrowed his brows so hard it looked like it hurt, our resident pseudo-botanist clarified. “Hujylsogox are mycogenetic, which means they evolved from fungus-like lifeforms.  Mushrooms grow in colonies, clusters, and troops.  The word’s probably not the same, but the closest the translators can get to the concept of a baby Hujylsogox is ‘troopling’.”

“But why would Miys compare plants to baby-thems?” Maverick asked, glancing around for explanation.  Tyche, Antoine, and I just stared at Conor, waiting for an explanation.

With a sigh, he continued. “Noah – or Miys – absorbs nutrients and sustenance from the air, constantly.  It has to be supplemented with rations, sure, but it’s a function they can’t control.  Miys jokes about not having a sense of smell, but they can definitely tell how clean the air is, and they’re sensitive to caustic fumes.”

“Just like the plants,” Tyche ventured.

He nodded. “It’s really similar. The plants are a bit less sensitive to things like fumes from spicy foods, though.”  Tyche and I flushed at the reminder of the time we ran Miys out of my quarters while making dinner.  Antoine smiled, but Conor roared with laughter and told the story to Maverick.

When he finished, Tyche jumped in. “In our defense, we didn’t know the smell of the chili sauce reducing would give Noah actual burns.  The fumes or vapor, or whatever you want to call it, had run a couple people off, but Noah told us before that they don’t have noses, so it never occurred to us that it would be a problem.”

“Nothing in what you just said argues against the fact that you two were deliberately cooking and eating something so spicy that people ran away and one needed treatment for burns,” Maverick pointed out.

“Miys pointed that out, too,” I admitted. “Okay, new topic, before I die of embarrassment. Festival is out of the way, so the gravity adjustment is scheduled for two days from now.”

Antoine leaned forward with laser-focus. “We need to expect increased anxiety and paranoia, along with some fatigue.”

Tyche and I nodded, while Maverick made a noise of agreement. Conor glanced around at all of us. “Okay, superbrains, tell the dumb lug what I’m not understanding here.”

I rolled my eyes at the self-assigned appellation - he had just given us a  small lecture on the similarities between Miys biology and that of a potted plant -  and gestured for Antoine, following the evening’s convention of deferring to the people with the most expertise. He nodded and explained, “The increase in gravity will only be five-percent of Earth gravity, putting the entire ship at 1.1. It is not enough for anyone to really notice, beyond some minor discomfort, as everyone has already adjusted to the initial increase to 1.05. However, our brains know something is ‘not right’ for lack of a better term.  Not necessarily wrong or dangerous, but not the same and not what we have grown to consider normal, similar to if everything was moved two centimeters to the left – just because you cannot tell exactly what changed, it does not mean you cannot tell something has changed.  This results in increased anxiety and sometimes paranoia.”

Conor nodded as it started to make sense to him. “Even knowing ahead of time that the gravity will be adjusting, it can still happen?”

I snorted violently. “Never expect people to read all their mail.”

“Good point,” he conceded.  “How many total adjustments to gravity are we going to have?”

“Ten, total,” Tyche answered as she flicked open her data pad, shrugging apologetically. “I know, I know. Family rule: no data pads on dinner nights. But I don’t have all the information memorized, and this is a good discussion.”  Scrolling through the information, she stopped and mimed tapping a screen. “Kepler 442b has half-again as much gravity as Earth, which is more than our scientists Before had initially estimated.  Its star is slightly bluer than Sol, but not quite as bright. It isn’t tidally locked, but just barely.  A year there is about three Terran months, with the days half that long. It’s also colder than Earth, due to its star being smaller, but not by much once you compensate for Terran global warming and Kepler 442b having a denser atmosphere.” She scowled up at me. “We need to name our new home, you know. I thought you were going to work on that.”

“I’ve had a lot on my plate,” I objected before sighing and slouching against the back of her couch. “But you’re right. We need to get on that. I want to do an Ark-wide poll, but I need to set the criteria and have it approved by the Council, first. Nobody actually wants to name our second chance ‘Colony McPlanetface’, and I would like to weed out the multitudinous variations of home or dirt.”

“Have people submitting ideas include a justification,” Maverick pointed out. “That will weed out a lot of people who aren’t serious, if they have to include an essay.”

I grinned widely at him, squeezing his arm in affection. “That’s a great idea, actually.  Granted, I don’t look forward to reading all those essays – even if a single-digit percent of people submit, that’s still hundreds – but at least it will limit the submissions that are intended as a joke.”  I thought for a moment. “And… if we include the criteria that the name cannot be certain words or versions of certain words, Zach can probably write a program to weed those out, as well.”  I turned to my sister and Antoine, nudging Conor gently.

“Start thinking of names we don’t want to see.  I’ll send a message to the Council tomorrow asking for their input and running the idea by them tentatively.  And whoever is keeping track, add Goldilocks to that list.  It was unoriginal to start with, and now it just feels cursed.”

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#the miys #humans are weird #original sci fi #science fiction #aliens #apocalypse #writing #humans are space orcs #earth is space australia

[vios-rockland-corner]

Rockland game styles

The date of this post is 2/14/20.  Please note that information revealed at this time via Patreon or any of the creator’s blogs may be subject to change after this date.

This is regarding various games being planned by Runawayoutlaw, Rottenbonethief and Sugarhazard for the Rockland universe.

The title here might not be the best, but it’s the closest to what I want to basically ramble about.  I’m just happy I had a sudden urge to write, so I might as well just go ahead and spit out whatever I can.

Main theme here I guess is I’m trying to nail down the type or genre of games we’re going to see in the near future.

For technical and visual game style, all games planned I’m guessing will keep the visual light novel style for storytelling.  There hasn’t really been anything to indicate otherwise yet.  Most of the progression will be based around dialogue and actions, either towards another character (more often) or when the MC is alone (ex. turning left, staying silent, yelling, etc.).  The big part of game progression is following a particular character’s route to see how you end up.  

Now there is a chance for “point and click” options in these games, though how often this is utilized may depend on the game.  This feature may also be started outright as a regular function of the gameplay, or not stated outright to instead hide Easter eggs or secret ways to progress.  So it might not be a bad idea to keep one’s eyes out and scroll around the screen every now and then.

Now when it comes to the genres of these games, all of them are intended to have a darker tone for sure.  How dark exactly may differ though.

- The Misfits: First Blood

Type: Survival Horror

What to Expect: This is hinted to be just the first in a line-up of Misfits games.  The main thing to know about the Misfits is that they are all pretty much killers.  Or at the very least, unscrupulous characters.  Since it’s only the first game, it’s best to think of it as a setup.  It’s the introduction to some of the main characters, so we’re going to get a good look at their base personalities, or rather I should say the darker elements of their base personalities.  We also get some tidbits about their relationships with others and how they live their lives.  That alone can be a lot of information.  

If these characters are going to make a return later, chances are the focus isn’t going to be trying to romance or even befriend them necessarily.  The setup seems to be that you unfortunately get caught by one of these dangerous individuals, so your main goal here is just to try to survive.  You may still want to make efforts to try to “appeal” to certain characters though for some endings.  Depending on the character, appealing to them may either be your ticket to freedom, or the only thing preventing you from dying right that very second.  Careful though, there may be some characters that trying to get on their good side might acting IRK them.  There’s a possibility that some characters could be easier to escape from, and some characters there is no way to survive them whatsoever.  It’ll be interesting to see which ones are flexible with the MC and which ones are impossible to avoid a terrible fate with.  

Who knows, since this is the first game, there may be no way to survive whatsoever.  If survival is offered, but not possible by nailing a positive interaction with the character, there are other ways this could happen: the MC breaks out on their own (depends on the environment) or another party successfully intervenes for example.  

It also sounds like there will be some time taken to establish the Rockland setting and certain lore.  Whether the elements shown will all be strictly human or if the supernatural elements at least get hinted at, has yet to be seen. 

Point and click likely won’t be a main feature in this game, but Easter eggs and secrets aren’t necessarily off the table.

- Future Misfits games

Type: Survival Horror?

What to expect:  Honestly, it’s too early for me to say without even having the first game out.  We might be able to some ideas on how the initial characters may be utilized in the future after First Blood.  Whether future games of this installment are also survival horror is just a pure guess of mine.

- Zeitgeist

Type: ???

What to expect:  If you’ve seen some of my other posts, you know there’s been a lot of fluctuation with the Zeitgeist game since it’s getting a complete overhaul from its predecessor.  Unlike with the Misfits, this will be more supernatural focused for sure.  The creators have heavily implied that a lot of lore is going to be established here as well.  Character interaction is also huge, and this might be a better game with trying to establish some form of a relationship (negative or positive) with characters.  As opposed to just trying to escape them.   

Because of all the retooling though, I go back and forth as to whether the horror element will be as strong in Zeitgeist as it in with Misfits, if it exists at all.  I have to be careful if there are elements and characters that get refitted again.  Perhaps the game will be a mix of horror survival, befriending simulator or even dating simulator.  It depends on where these characters stand if the MC has the opportunity to establish themselves as “something” in any of the character’s lives, or if the MC is more of a vessel used to progress through the story simply to explore the lore.

Again, point and click more likely to be used for secrets if it’s present at all.

- Mark of Belial

Type: Detective Game/Murder Mystery

What to expect:  This one, should it ever be revisited, should be a lot of fun.  Of the games, I would guess it ends up being the most dynamic.  This is where the point and click likely becomes a main feature to investigate crime scenes.  It’s also possible you’ll have to interact with characters outside the main cast to find clues and piece together who the killer is.  The original concept was that the MC was a new cop or detective of some sort freshly assigned to a case of an unknown serial killer.  Another good change of pace is that means that most of the characters you’ll be working with an interacting for once will be “good guys” here.  

Friendship and romance may be allowed because you’re working so close with them.  It may even be beneficial to the gameplay to get in good graces with some characters that are otherwise difficult to deal with.  Careful though, it was never revealed if the killer in this game is a character you don’t find until the very end (which would make this game a bit more of a “hunt”), or if you have to figure out who the murderer hiding in plain sight is.  I wonder if you’ll have to worry too about who you discuss vital information with (in case the killer uses said information to evade your efforts).  No, there was never any hints for that kind of a concept.  Just a thought.  I would really hope this comes back someday but we’ll see.

- Welcome Home series

Type: Survival Horror?

What to expect:  This series has very little information out on it.  There was originally two ideas: Farmhouse and Mansion I believe.  If I recall, there was definitely an indication that there would be killers.  A random guess has me thinking the killers are more human in Farmhouse and supernatural in Mansion.  I do remember one of the creators mentioning that in addition to your MC, you will have a cast of friends from the start.  How and if you’re able to work alongside your friends to get out of certain situations would give this game a different kind of flavor and play style from the Misfits’ survival horror style.  The Misfits games you likely will be working by yourself and much more isolated.  The cooperation aspect with the Welcome Home series might also be a little similar to Mark of Belial, though perhaps not as in depth since these characters likely won’t be professionals trained to combat criminals.  

Of course, lots of horror games also have multiple endings where sometimes your friends die or are saved depending on your actions.  Friendship and romance I’d say could be a possibility in this game because you start with a group of friends to begin with who you might grow closer to.  Or perhaps, the reverse could also be true.  In a high tension situation, the MC could have a falling out with certain friends over disputes.  That would be interesting as well.

- Other (ex:  The Artist, The Mortician, The Puppetmaster, The Professionals, The Hand of God)

Type: ???

What to expect:  While some of these games have been titled, many of the characters have been shifted around since into different groups.  For example, I believe Quinton Willow WAS the titular Mortician originally.  Now though, he is being introduced as a Misfit.  Whether these characters get their own individual games later still is something I don’t know.  More characters could still be shifted around and placed in “Group games” for larger content in a single game.  My default guess here is to assume most of these games are horror survival, but there could be some curveballs thrown in.

#rockland #The Misfits - First Blood #Zeitgeist #runawayoutlaw #rottenbonethief #sugarhazard #horror game #murder mystery

[ankcna-blog]

hello guys !! i’m blaire, and i come to you with a VERY belated greeting !! i went to a skz concert a few days ago and as you would expect my life has been flipped upside down ever since !! but now that things are calming down, i’ve got things in order and would like to introduce you to my beloved weirdo kwanchai, more commonly known as dreamdrop’s choreographer KAI ! i’ve wanted to join you all for the longest and can’t wait to have some fun now that i’m finally here ! without further ado, you can find all his links here ( more to come ) as well as some important info about him below ! and of course, like this if you want to plot ! i’ll also be joining the discord very soon, so that’ll be an option too !

background !

from bangkok, thailand ! maybe it’s because of this he’s such a city boy and loves being around people, because that’s basically been his whole life ! in bangkok there were people around nearly all the time and now that he lives in seoul, it’s no different !

like his fc, he’s ethnically chinese but his nationality is thai ! honestly he feels more of a connection to his thai side because it’s the one he’s the most familiar with, though recently he’s been trying to connect with his chinese side. 

grew up around mainly girls, 3 older sisters and one younger ! his dad’s the only boy, but his parents are divorced. they still co-parented pretty functionally, though, so he mainly stayed with his mom and did weekly visits to his dad. he believes the heavy presence of females in his life is the reason he grew up to act a little more conventionally “feminine” and why he has such a high respect for women ! his sisters have always been .... v strong in comparison to him ojoijoijoij so it makes sense why !

his sister is the original dancer of the family, picking up ballet at only 5 years old ! she’s older than him so, wanting to follow in her shoes, he begged his parents to join as well !

his parents were v apprehensive at first, especially his dad, because they weren’t the most progressive and didn’t think a boy dancing ballet looed good. it took some convincing, but eventually they allowed him !

absolutely loved it, would come home dancing nearly every day. once they realized he was really enjoying himself and taking himself seriously he convinced them to add on tap and hip hop classes as well !

always been into american culture, he was always watching shows & listening to music from america, and that transferred into a general interest for the country ! so in high school, he studied abroad for a semester w / a host famiy !

this really helped his english skills and is the main reason he’s so fluent today, which definitely helps with his job ! it’s the reason he sounds less like a foreigner now when he’s speaking.

coincidentally, through america, he found an interest in korean culture ! his host family lived in california, which already was home to a lot of korean spots, but his host sibling was a kpop fan and got him into it ! so when he got back home to thailand he had gained an interest for it.

he started listening to a lot of the music, and at 17 made a very spontaneous decision to send in an audition tape to a company ! ( not noir, a smaller up-and-coming one probably ! )

he was .... incredibly shocked that he’d gotten in, but ecstatic for the chance to do what he loved ! not everyone was quite as ecstatic as him ... mainly his dad who thought his career choice was unfit for the one son of the family.

regardless, he packed up things and moved to korea, where he began to train to become an idol ! contrary to what he’d thought he kind of hated it lmao ! he had a super hard time trying to learn korean initially and didn’t deal too well with the stress of such a cutthroat environment. on top of that, he wasn’t favored by the company and they kept giving other trainees opportunities he didn’t have ! he didn’t like that because he felt he had the personality and drive, they just weren’t willing to take a chance on him. but he really loved the chance to perform alongside other passionate people and learn from them.

so it was a bittersweet moment when, at 18, he terminated his contract. he felt relieved with all that extra pressure off him e but was also sad to no longer be performing. he tried to lie and act like he didn’t to his family but eventually, they found out and his mom sent him back home to thailand. his dad was livid and promised that if he didn’t do something within 2 months to get a job he’d stop helping him out.

kwanchai wanted to keep dancing but still needed a job, so did the best thing he could think of ! a choreographer he’d met in seoul promised him a room in his house if he agreed to fly back to korea and start working as a sort of dance apprentice under him at a studio !

so, going back yet again, he agreed and made one of the best choices of his life ! he got a lot better and not only dance but teaching / choreographing it ! with this, he comfortably began to adjust to the country and learned a lot !

the more he was there, the more he realized how much he enjoyed choreographing ! his friend gave him the chance to begin creating dances from the studio and it was then he decided he wanted to do it as a career !

he didn’t want to feel like a burden at his friend’s for so long, so it was then he decided to apply for a job at noir as a choreographer, hoping to save up and buy his own place. he applied unsure if he’d really get it due to his short experience, but was ecstatic when he did !

the whole thing has proved to be one of the best choices of his life - he’s got a steady job that’s very fulfilling, he saved up enough for an apartment, and he gets to dance while maintaining the level of freedom he’d craved as a trainee !

personality / random tidbits !

his app summed it up well, he’s incredibly eccentric ! he’s just different in nearly every way and if told to do something one way, he’ll probably do it the other. 

his name is kwanchai, but ever since he was 17 he’s gone by kai, a shortened version of his full one ! it’s because it not only easier to pronounce for koreans but to his many american friends as well, and honestly it makes him feel less out of place as it’s a fairly universal name !

he’s super talkative, inherited from his sisters, but in turn is a very good listener ! so you’ll catch him either ranting about all his problems or listening to someone else doing the same.

naturally, he’s very fun and excitable ! rarely takes anything seriously, that is .... unless he’s dancing ! typically when teaching he likes to crack jokes and such to make the experience fun, but if it’s crunch-time he does a whole 180. when he has to he takes dancing very seriously, sometimes maybe even too much ! he may come off as controlling but in reality he’s just very passionate and a true perfectionist in terms of technique. 

speaking of dancing, seeing him do it is quite an amusing sight ! kind of like j-hope he’s always making noises when he does it, and always has some sort of noise or word that correlates with his dance move ! def the type to say “and jazz hands !!”

maybe it helps, maybe it sounds stupid ! but since he has such a horrible memory it does tend to help him out a lot.

his hair right now is dyed, and the best reference i can give you is the john’s banana video lmao !! he keeps it pretty short to keep it out his face when he dances, and tbh his hai is a different color all the time !

he has a food blog, “rate what i ate”, where he does food reviews for restaurants ! it’s really fun for him because he loves to eat and has a very strong opinion on nearly everything. muses feel free to come eat with him, he’ll never say no to a dining buddy !

aside from that he has general social media and an ig where he posts short dance covers ! thinking about starting a yt cover channel.

coffee is his everything. he’s got a horrible sleep schedule, staying up late and having to wake up early ! but coffee is the one thing that gets him through, and no matter what time of the day he can always be found with his favorite cup in his hand.

remember how his app said power poses ? well it’s something kai actually does ! every morning and before doing something important he stands in a power pose for 5 minutes, saying affirmations rather dramatically. that alongside his guided meditation obsession makes kai in the morning time quite the amusing sight.

he has a black bombay cat affectionately named luna ! she’s his daughter whom he loves very very much and would die for. a total sweetheart who will accept all love, muses feel free to pet !

even though he’s fairly happy somewhat out the spotlight, he still has the idol mentality, and definitely has the whole charming personality thing going on ! he’s a whole personality and it’s almost a sin he didn’t become a talkshow host, but i assume he’d have a small following because of it ! not dreamdrop level of course, but a little bit of recognition !

that’s all i can thin of right now, that and i don’t want to keep you all waiting for this intro for too long ! i’ll add more as i see fit, and again, i can’t wait to meet you all !

#i'm feeling v trash so will be more active tomm !

[anigrams-productions]

Anigrams 2019 Update

Hello, Tumblr. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

It’s been 10 years since, inspired by Japanese visual novels and Winter Wolves’ games, I came up with the idea for the original Memoirs of an Angel - a visual novel (with mini-games) about a dethroned princess courting various handsome men in a fantasy setting while figuring out what to do next.

That quick, fun little game changed my life. I thought, “This is what I want to do. This is what I was meant to do.”

Ten years later, I still feel the same way. Even though my personal projects have taken a backseat to my full-time job as a software engineer and side gigs as a freelance web developer, I feel like now is the time to continue pursuing my passion for making games. I have the skills, I’m working on getting the knowledge, and all I need is more experience and confidence in my work.

Without further ado, let’s take stock of the current state of Anigrams Productions’ various projects...

Memoirs of an Angel: Legends

Status: Working on it

I have the basic storyboard for the Memoirs remake written out, which has gone through several revisions and will probably go through a few more before I’m satisfied. I’m deep enough into it, though, to know that I’m going to have to split it up into two games: the first focusing on Zuleika taking her throne back, and the second focusing on the conflict with Menorrhi (evil lady who created Chael to kill Zuleika).

I’m still trying to nail down a good gameplay system that not only makes sense for the story I’m trying to tell, but is simple enough that it won’t turn off VN players who enjoyed the original game, and also features strategic elements that make it challenging and give real weight to winning and losing. I’ve built several prototypes, but they’ve all been failures so far.

I’m also still trying to decide whether I want to allow the player to choose the protagonist’s gender or not. The only thing it would really add is the possibility for additional romances (like Duren, whose sexuality was only hinted at in the original game, with most players not even realizing he was meant to be gay). My current stance is that it would be better to add those things as a DLC - get the main game out first, then worry about extra additions that don’t really add anything to the plot.

W.I.S.H

Status: On hold (indefinitely)

W.I.S.H started as Starlit Dreams, a sci-fi themed business simulation about a bored librarian with a passion for inventing robotic prosthetics and her budding friendship with a paranormal investigator on the run from a secret evil organization. Yeah. What the hell was I thinking?

After getting some feedback on the prototype/tech demo I made, I realized that the concept just wasn’t that great. Not only was the story all over the place, but the gameplay (basically killing time by going around to different locations and hoping you ran into the person you needed to talk to) sucked.

Unfortunately, I’d already spent hundreds of dollars on art assets. W.I.S.H was my attempt to take all the same characters (so I could reuse the art) and throw them into a completely different situation, this time a Faustian tale about how the main character makes a deal with a demon and inadvertently breaks the fabric of reality (or something), causing all sorts of paranormal mayhem.

I thought I had a pretty decent plan of how all the characters would be involved in this new storyline and how each of their romantic routes would weave a larger story, but after sharing my outline with a friend, I realized there were a lot of plot holes and things that didn’t really make sense (like why would the main character even make a deal with a demon in the first place?), and I still didn’t know whether I wanted to do a straight visual novel or include some sort of battle system.

Since then, I’ve entertained a few different ideas of how to change up the story, including cutting out most of the cast and maybe even having a completely different protagonist, but nothing has really stood out as a good direction to go in.

For now, this game idea is stuck in limbo.

Memoirs of Genesis

Status: Planning to do someday

A prequel to Memoirs of an Angel, Memoirs of Genesis was originally going to be a kinetic novel (like a visual novel with no choices), but I ultimately decided that if there weren’t choices, it might as well just be a straight novel.

I had a full storyboard written out, but realized that the fragmented, un-chronological structure of the story was difficult to follow. It also didn’t tell much of a story - it was a biography that had no flow, no vision, no cohesion. The events of Genesis’ life are what they are. They had to happen in order for Memoirs of an Angel to happen. But Genesis’ story is one of tragedy and revenge, blurring the lines between good and evil, and that story needs to be told.

That said, I feel like Memoirs of Genesis will be so much more meaningful if you’ve already played the Memoirs of an Angel remake... which isn’t complete yet. So this one is on the back-burner until I complete the main game that it’s supposed to be a prequel to.

Buried

Status: Working on it

I’m not sure if I ever officially announced Buried except for a mention here and there, but it was originally conceived as an old-school text adventure dungeon-crawler. The goal was to practice programming while exploring one of the mysteries of the Memoirs universe: the disappearance of the djinn.

It turns out that building a fun, exciting dungeon-crawler with only text is really hard. I built out the whole dungeon in Minecraft just to be able to get my bearings, but I still couldn’t quite visualize it. So I made some adjustments and started building it in GameMaker using RPGMaker sprites as stand-ins, but it just felt way too generic. I figured there was no point in working on it anymore.

But now, as I work towards my goal of becoming a professional game designer, I find myself in need of a good portfolio piece. Memoirs is so big and dear to my heart that it may be another 10 years before I finish it, so it’s not a good candidate for fluffing up my portfolio. Buried, on the other hand, can be a short, fun little game that I can use to practice things like writing an official Game Design Document, iterating on a concept, building prototypes, etc.

So my plan is to pick it back up and use it as a portfolio piece that I can (hopefully) show off with pride.

The Memoirs Character Creator

Status: Done

Looking back through this blog, it looks like I never officially “released” the Memoirs Character Creator and had planned to add some additional features, like more color options and armor options. Honestly, the UI needs an update, too.

These improvements aren’t a priority, though. From my perspective, this project is done and I’ve been focusing my efforts on other projects instead. That said, I may push out some updates once I start updating my portfolio, but nothing is guaranteed.

Anigrams Language Generator

Status: Needs improvement

The Anigrams Language Generator is just something I did for fun and accidentally added to the website before it was ready.

My idea was to store phonetic symbols associated with specific languages, and create words by randomly alternating vowel and consonant symbols and adding a suffix common to that language (to make the word “masculine” or “feminine”).

In short, it doesn’t work very well. The system needs to be smarter about which vowel/consonant combinations work best together, maybe employing a machine learning algorithm to analyze a sample of text and spit out something instead of storing everything in a database.

It probably won’t get fixed any time soon, though, not with other projects being more of a priority.

#anigrams #update #memoirs of an angel #Memoirs of Genesis #w.i.s.h #Memoirs Character Creator #Anigrams Language Generator #Buried

[jungnoir]

change of pace.

hello friends! it’s mj.

so, for those of you who have followed me since 2016, you know that I am a multi-everything blog. I have always been comfortable with posting my writing, personal opinions, and other fandoms on here because that’s what I’ve always done; I didn’t mind having everything in one place. however, I’ve been debating between some very serious decisions lately regarding where to go with jungnoir, and where I’m going with it currently.

the first thought I had was deleting this blog. the reason formed a year ago, when I was noticing a couple of my works going unnoticed or not receiving feedback. at the time, I was heavily debating dropping jungnoir because writing is, after all, what this blog has always been about. I won’t lie: two days ago, I was ready to do this. however... I don’t think I’m ready to part with jungnoir just yet. this brought me to my next thought.

remaking and then deleting this blog. obviously, remaking would give me a chance to start over. after all, I’ve changed a lot in these last two years. however, remaking meant I would have to repost all my work (if I didn’t start completely anew), and I did not want to lose all the original comments, asks, and more that I got on these works because they still mean the world to me even to this day. there’s also a sentimentality behind when I posted them. it’s nice to go back and remember what kind of person I was when I was posting these works, and therefore remaking felt wrong.

my third thought was leaving this blog altogether. this was the best option to me up until yesterday evening. I was wondering how I’d go about it, but the big thing was that I didn’t want to lose my things (like remaking or deleting would cause), but I didn’t want to be on tumblr anymore (at least, the way that I have been for years). I’ve been on tumblr since 2011, and this is my second primary blog since I joined this website. this is the first place I turn to for all my interests, and I’ve met so many wonderful people through this site. if anything, I was planning to leave jungnoir as an archive. a memory base full of all the things I accomplished, loved, hated, and more.

another thought I had was also to switch to another platform, most preferably ao3. if I could, I would like to go somewhere where fics are the main focus, but I haven’t because I still enjoy writing on tumblr for now.

and now, I’ve come to the decision I’m making now. I don’t know how I will feel after this, but it seems the best decision to make until I resort to one of the other options above: making this blog “writing” only. I honestly have wanted to do this for months. part of me has always wanted to just stop posting everything but writing so that this could be my dumping ground for everything fic. I never did it before because sideblogs weren’t of interest to me (until recently) and I felt like you guys got to know me better by seeing all of the other content I have on here besides fic. however, I don’t think that’s really the case for me anymore!

so, what does this mean?

I’ll be revamping this blog and my personal, @parkerjeno (prev. majnoir), to make them both functional for separate things. parkerjeno will be where I talk about all my interests (anime, cartoons, kpop comebacks, video games, music, etc.), and @jungnoir will just be my writing, asks about my writing, and possibly tag games as well. if you followed for my writing and writing only, you can follow this blog. if you followed because of my other content, you can follow parkerjeno. and, if you like both, you can follow both if you’d like! or, if you don’t like this decision, you can unfollow and I won’t hold it against you. this decision is mainly for me.

I also want to state that there is no guarantee I won’t decide to leave this blog at some point down the line, but this option feels the best for me currently. I hope you all understand, and please feel free to let me know if I need to make anything clear. anywho, I love you guys, and thank you.

#majspeaks #i spent all this morning and yesterday evening deleting posts from this blog aside from writing #and this whole afternoon and evening setting up parkerjeno to look. Nice #since i didn't have a tagging system except for spoilers i'm setting that up now #ahhhhhh #i'm glad the majority of it is over tho

[lawyernovelist]

Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master: A Legend

I'm not dead! Sorry for the long break, and sorry in advance for the fact that this post isn't quite up to my usual wordy standard; I've spent the last several months suffering from massive writer's block on almost every project I have on the go, including a novel, the next chapter of My Tauriel, and several blog posts.

Anyway, to get on with the show, I thought what The Last Jedi did with Luke Skywalker was one of the coolest and gutsiest things in it.

Bring it.

Spoilers for Star Wars through The Last Jedi and Lord of the Rings.

Now, I opened in that unnecessarily confrontational way because I've seen criticism of how this movie handled Luke from all over the place and all directions. And to an extent I get that, like I kind of get a lot of the criticism of this movie. I would, however, just like to get one small thing out of the way, and that's the comment I've seen all over the place that "they made Luke evil to make Kylo Ren good." And... no?

I think where this comes from is a feeling that because we see Luke do - or start to do - something unequivocally morally wrong, namely murder his student and nephew in his sleep, that must mean that the movie is telling us that Luke turned evil after we last saw him in the original trilogy. The main narrative beneficiary of such a change would be Ren, since this means that not only is the person telling us how he went bad unreliable, but he himself pushed Ren over the edge. It's not Ren's fault; his mentor betrayed him and so he fell from grace as a reaction to that. Luke is actually evil - the sort of man who would murder a helpless boy who trusted him - and Ren is his innocent victim.

Well, that only really holds up if you subscribe to the belief that if someone does or thinks one wrong thing they're irredeemably evil and that anyone who's been victimised is automatically good. And to be honest, I shouldn't be surprised this is a thing; it seems to be a really common belief on the internet.

But this was part of why I admired this story beat so much: it goes square against that narrative. What Luke did was wrong. Nobody denies that, even him. Right then in the moment he realised that he should not murder a defenceless boy just because of his own fears of what that boy might grow to do, and he accepts that what happened next was a consequence of his actions. Meanwhile, while Ren was right to be frightened and defend himself in the moment, and it's entirely reasonable that he drew his own lightsaber, force-pulled the roof down on Luke, left him for dead, and fled into the night, you know what wasn't a reasonable thing to do? Burn down the school and massacre the other students.

Luke did a bad thing, acknowledged it as bad, and accepted the personal consequences, including the lasting guilt. That doesn't make him evil, it makes him human. Ren reacted in an entirely understandable way up to the point where he went way too far and continued his trend of, when presented with multiple choices, always taking the evil one.

Ren: Gee, I've captured a teenage scavenger who has information I need. Shall I put her in a secure but comfy cell, apologise for scaring her, and offer her money and a ride home to Jakku in exchange for the information, or shall I tie her up, threaten her and her friends, and mind-rape her?

Also, while I'm defending Luke, you get points for realising that what you're about to do is awful before you do it. They say that the first thought you have is what you've been conditioned to think and the second is what you actually think.

Anyway, that probably would have been a nice segue over from the last post where I talked about the presentation of good and evil in these movies, but I did want to explicitly call out that one piece of criticism because it actually irritates me more than is rational. They did something complex and interesting! Stop discouraging them!

OK, so I mentioned that I can see why people are upset about this, and the next one I'm going to address is one that I actually kind of sympathise with, as well as being the reason I chose this specific quote as the title of this blog post: the presentation of Luke as a disillusioned old man who has failed to live up to his own legend.

I thought long and hard to come up with a hypothetical Tolkien example so I could empathise on this one, because Star Wars wasn't a big part of my childhood or anything, so maybe that's why I find it easy to say "Oh, neat, they're doing a cool new twist on an archetypical character" when everyone else in the cinema is saying "WTF have you done to Luke?" Eventually I came up with the option of "What if some asshole came along and made a sequel to Lord of the Rings in which we see that power corrupts and all the bad aspects of medieval kingship (and there are a lot of those) have started manifesting in Aragorn?" and concluded that yeah, I'd be pissed and that would actually be less upsetting than this must be because at least I'd have the comfort that such a sequel would be terrible fanfic, not actual canon. This is Star Wars canon now.

So yeah, I get why people are upset, but hear me and my outsider's perspective out.

For one thing, this is another difference between that hypothetical Lord of the Rings example and The Last Jedi: the problem isn't with Luke except that he couldn't live up to the legend that had grown up around his name and his position as the last of the Jedi and founder of a new Jedi order. And that's an awesome take.

A couple of things about me: first, I'm actually really interested in the question of what happens after these classic stories end. Now, that doesn't always mean that I want to find out - I don't feel the need to actually see Cinderella struggle to adjust to her new life as a princess in combination with the potential political awkwardness caused by the fact that the heir to the throne clearly suffers from face-blindness, and that's why I cannot believe Disney made two sequels (though I hear Cinderella 3 is way better than it has any right to be) - but it's always an interesting question. That's especially true of bigger and more complicated stories with world-shaking consequences like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings: it is kind of interesting to wonder how, after the happy/bittersweet ending, things fell apart. Because that's what things do.

To continue down this rabbit-hole - I promise I'll surface with a point in a moment - this was something Tolkien really got and which you can only really appreciate if you read all his Middle-Earth work: The Silmarillion, The Hobbit (supplemented by The Unfinished Tales), and The Lord of the Rings, in that order: things fall apart. Every time there's a victory, something is lost and it's only a temporary reprieve because evil always rises again. It may be smaller, but so are the forces of Good. Tolkien actually did start work on a sequel to Lord of the Rings in which we see evil returning during the reign of Aragorn's son Eldarion, not really because Eldarion was a crappy king or anything but just because that's what evil does.

The Last Jedi hits a similar note: Just because the Empire was defeated, evil isn't banished from the galaxy. And just as in that unfinished sequel, it's not because the heroes of the previous stories did anything wrong, it's just that this isn't as simple as it looks and winning one big battle and killing one guy doesn't solve all the problems. Eventually the situation will deteriorate again.

That's even more true where the heroes involved don't necessarily know how to pick up the pieces of the evil empire they destroyed, by the way. The galaxy was pretty lucky to have Leia on hand.

The second relevant thing I find interesting is myth-making: how people tell themselves stories about what's happening around them, and how that affects their behaviour and expectations. This is something that happens all the time, sometimes because someone is deliberately creating a myth around an event, group, or person, sometimes because a story has been heard, mis-remembered, and repeated so many times that it's lost some details and gained others, sometimes because people desperately want to believe in something. And it's honestly pretty fascinating. It's been great fun watching the discussion around Hamilton, for example, and how it seems to have changed views of the founding fathers because it presents a new myth in the form of a history play with awesome music.

Watching modern myth-making in the form of polemic and conspiracy theory is also a little bit terrifying, but that's a whole other topic.

Humans love to tell themselves and each other stories, and you can bet stories spread far and wide about Luke after the Empire fell. Even Rey, having grown up in this crappy backwater town on Jakku, seems to have knowledge and expectations of Luke and the Jedi. Doesn't it make all kinds of sense that those stories became myths and that they grew and changed in the years between the fall of the Empire and Luke taking some students and setting up a Jedi school, painting Luke as a larger-than-life hero who could do anything?

Personal anecdote time: when Obama was elected in 2008, I was at university in the States (now you can all guess my age :P). I watched the results coming in on the TV in our dorm lounge, and when the election was called for Obama the place went wild. We spilled out into the road, I could hear the celebrations from other dorms half a mile away, even I went running down the length of the building screaming and wearing an American flag as a cape. But once I'd calmed down a bit I looked around at the Bacchic levels of celebration and said to one of my friends "He'll be remembered as a failure." Naturally, she looked at me like I'd grown at least five heads, so I elaborated, "Everyone's built him up to be the Second Coming. He can't live up to this. Nobody can." I bring this up because that's what I remember when I look at Luke in The Last Jedi: everyone had such high hopes and expectations of him, a legend had built up around his name, he'd become a figure of myth, but at the end of the day he was just a man. He couldn't live up to that. Nobody could.

That acknowledgment of the effects of myth-making around great people and events isn't something I see very often in film, and it ties into what I was saying about seeing what happens after the words "The End". What stories do the people in the world tell themselves about the hero? How does that affect everyone's view of him? How does it affect his view of himself?

That last is also why I find Luke's characterisation in Last Jedi very believable. It makes total sense to me that after this massive failure, which also cost the lives of his students and might have driven his nephew to the dark side, he has withdrawn and become embittered. Again, I come back to the line I used to title this post; the way Hamill delivers it really sums that up.

By the way, good grief did my estimation for all the actors in this film go up.

Anyway, that also feels like a subversion of tropes, which was something this movie did in spades and I love it. I'm having trouble thinking of another of these epic fantasy stories where the hero tracks down the mentor who will turn them into a great warrior or whatever and finds someone so disillusioned. Rey's not having to persuade Luke she's worthy or anything (side-note: I especially enjoy that he never gets weird about the fact that a girl is so strong with the force. It wouldn't make a lot of sense - I mean, he knows Leia - but it was still nice not to have a a subplot where she has to prove she's worthy despite the ~*~terrible handicap~*~ of a second X chromosome), she's having to persuade him that just coming back into the fight at all is worth doing. She's not having to persuade him to train her but to train anyone, and his refusal actually does make sense. I mean, look what happened last time he got himself a crazy-powerful young student. Clearly he can't do this and it might not even be a good idea for anyone to do this.

Now, again, not very familiar with the original movies, this might actually be the exact route they took with Obi-wan and/or Yoda, but I don't remember ever seeing it before and something that distinctive is something I'm sure I would have noticed seeing for a second time. If I'm way off the mark here, though, I can only apologise.

One more comment, and then I'll close. I also really enjoyed Luke's relationship with Ren. This is kind of bringing me back to where I started, but it was still interesting to see how the break with Ren has affected Luke as well as how it's affected Ren. I like watching the emotional consequences play out, as well as how his previous failures have affected Luke's later relationship with Rey and view of himself. Also, that last fight was amazing. It did a great job of developing Ren's character in how he reacted to the sight of Luke and also the emptiness he seemed to feel when after all that Luke wasn't really there. For me, the way Ren reacted after that fight really did cement my view that this is not about Ren defending himself any more, no matter what his initial reaction might have been when he woke up to find Luke standing over him with a lightsaber; it's now about revenge. It kind of shone a new light on Ren, which was in itself interesting to me.

Anyway, I liked Luke in the original trilogy. I liked his enthusiasm, his intelligence, his determination, and his compassion (why did nobody tell me about him redeeming Darth Vader with the power of love?). However, that just meant that I enjoyed all the more seeing how he's been developed here. That Luke was still there, minus some enthusiasm and plus some world-weary cynicism that makes perfect sense given what's happened in the interim. I liked him as a character, I liked what he added to the story, and overall I think his presentation was one of the gutsiest things in this movie.

In summary: Luke good. Film good. Don't @ me.

If you enjoy my blog, you might also enjoy my novel: Bladedancer's Heirs. You can also find me on Goodreads!

#Characterisation #film #Star Wars: The Last Jedi #the last jedi review #Star Wars

[rkxluda]

– A week of practise

The girl took a deep breath and stared at her own self in the mirror. Tomorrow was the day, tomorrow they'd perform as a group. How did she even make it here? How did she manage to pass the second round? Luda honestly couldn't tell. She'd watched the second episode like she'd watched the first and they showed the bare minimum of her. Yet she was already happy they showed her whole performance at all. And she wondered whether the only reason she passed, was that they'd only eliminated male contestants.

On the first day the team met, Luda felt both excited and worried. She'd brought food as her mum gave her a bag of pastries, telling her to share it with everyone. She looked forward to meeting new people, but what if they didn't work together well? What if her skills were way too low compared to everyone else, and she'd drag the whole team down?

When she entered the building on the first day – even when she approached it – her eyes were probably as big and round as plates. She turned and turned to take everything in and her heart beat fast in excitement of what was to come. Maybe she'd even see some trainees? Or already debuted idols?

She could still remember opening the door and bowing.

“Good morning, I'm Lee-” when she straightened, she saw the practise room was empty still and when she looked at her watch she noticed it was an hour earlier than planned. No wonder her mother looked so confused when she gave her a peck on the cheek and announced she'd be leaving. No wonder the streets had been a little emptier than usual.

Deciding everything took longer than she'd thought. They all had different ideas and songs they wanted to perform, possibly songs they'd liked back in 2011. Luda's top choices were “Before the Dawn” and “Neverland” – eventually they chose the first. She was also happy with choosing Kyungri as the leader, Luda thought she suited the position well.

“Would... it be okay for me... to take Gunwoo's part?” she asked, scratching the back of her neck. The girl had her eyes on one of the main vocal parts – that was her main skill after all. But she didn't want to take up too much space so asking felt a little awkward. Luckily she got it. After watching the music video, she noticed Gunwoo was shown a lot more than she'd thought, something she hadn't considered when taking her pick. She only paid attention to which part she would sing – not dance. And this meant she'd be front-left for the scorpion dance part, which she feared most of the whole performance. Sure, she'd started taking care of her physical health more since deciding she wanted to be an idol. But this only occasionally included lifting weights and only very light ones. If she'd show them to anyone, they'd probably laugh.

At least Luda didn't have too many problems with the vocal part. Sure there was still much to learn, but she felt as though she was getting the hang of it. Beside the scorpion part, the difficulty was to dance as a group and perform as a group, because so far she's only ever performed with one other person at most. And at the beginning, the dancing really seemed to be a bit of a problem – to her disappointment, it was at least partially her fault. She didn't have the muscle a dancer would and her movements lacked in impact and precision. It was something completely else than covering “Full Moon”, especially as that only covered 20 seconds and this time she had to dance a lot faster.

She was glad though, that Moonbok – who had really pretty hair, by the way – seemed to be born as much a dancer, as Luda was. It gave her a bit of comfort, knowing she didn't make mistakes all by herself.

From the beginning, she knew she would have to spend a lot of the time training, but never expected to stay at the practise room day and night. With the problems they'd had with the choreography , Luda knew she had to put a lot more effort in, right from the start. The fear of failing sat deep in her stomach, just as the worry of letting everyone down. But she wasn't going to give up – they chose the name Team Dream after all, so she'd do everything she could and if that meant skipping sleep, so be it. Sometimes when she did skip sleep and came in at odd hours, she found Hyunjin sleeping in a corner. Even though he was sleeping, Luda thought it was nice to not be alone in the room, and tried to practise as quietly as possible.

But two days, three days passed and even though she got the hang of it slowly, the scorpion was definitely a problem and she started to worry whether she'd be able to do it or not.

Luda couldn't help but blame herself. “If we mess up, it'll be my fault. If we lose, it'll be my fault. What if I mess up so bad, someone gets eliminated because of me?” her thoughts went wild and she started to doubt whether participating had been the right decision. Her motivation left her and she went home to get some sleep. Even on the way, the girl had a hard time to ignore the prickling in the corners of her eyes and after arriving, sleep didn't come.

In the comfort of her room, she did exactly what everyone told her not to: search for herself on the internet. And the girl couldn't believe what she saw, it finally drew all her pent-up tears out. One blog called her one of two favourites and praised her high notes, she couldn't believe her eyes. Then another blog listed her in their top 5 favourite contestants. She was sobbing and let all her emotions from the past few weeks out, unable to believe anyone even noticed her, let alone liked her. She always thought she'd been way too bland and never showed much of a personality. Deep down Luda was aware that opinions could change in seconds – who knew what they would show next episode? She might be forgotten in a weeks time, get eliminated or could be shown in a way that made her dislikeable. But all that didn't matter right now. Instead of five hours, she set her alarm to ring in 4. Wanting to go back to practise right away, she knew she had to get at least a little sleep, or else her health could be in danger. Getting a fever or having her voice give out was not an option. Originally she'd wondered whether to ask one of her team members to take her position during the scorpion dance. Both Jeno and Hyunjin were way better dancers than her. She'd move to the back and be less visible, the same counting for possible mistakes.

But no one made her choose Gunwoo's part. It was her choice – her responsibility and putting the burden on another teammate was not a mature decision.

The next morning came sudden. 4 hours weren't quite enough, especially after getting even less sleep on the previous days. Her mum had bought a lot of items that were supposed to help her health and she decided to rest her voice until practising later. But dancing couldn't wait so she went through the moves even while eating.

“You can't stop, can you?” her mother chuckled and gave a peck to the crown of Luda's head, “Good morning.”

“Good morning, mum,” Luda replied and walked over to the fridge, “well I have to be good, don't I?” she pouted.

“How did I raise such a hard working child?” her mum smiled at her warmly and shook her head. “Saturday we'll do something together, okay, I miss you.” Luda nodded energetically and gave her mother a peck on the cheek, before her mum went downstairs to the bakery. All the training made her forget how much she loved spending time with her and how little she'd been home over the past week. Cleaning the dishes she decided to practise singing at home for a while, but felt she couldn't properly concentrate. Instead she did a bit of breathing training, which was supposed to help with breathing while dancing and singing simultaneously.

An hour later Luda sprinted down to the bakery and packed some snacks for everyone – as she had over the past days as well – and headed to the practise room. While she hadn't slept long enough, a good night's (or morning's) sleep could do wonders. Plus, after reading positive comments about herself – she'd checked again after waking up to make sure it wasn't a cruel dream – her energy was back, holding hands with her motivation. She could do this.

She sprinted from bus to practise room and smiled her usual big smile, looking forward to beating the scorpion. And in that moment she felt like she could take on the world.

#rkmga4 #rkmga4classics #;solo #;e

[steveandtorixinthemiddle]

Steve, Tori, and X in the Middle

Hello and Welcome to our new blog (If I’m being completely honest, I will probably be the one posting the most) about the next adventure in our lives. I suppose we should introduce ourselves. Let’s start with Steve because he’s the funny one.

Who is Steve? Well he has been a construction worker in various fields for most of his adult life. In 2011 he discovered Wii golf, which got him interested in the actual game. At first it was just playing on his PS3, but eventually we were able to find a decent set of second-hand clubs meant for a lefty. The first time he came home from the golf course (after what he described as the most horrible round in history) he was grinning from ear to ear and happier than I had seen him in a long time. He said he didn’t get remotely close to par, but he’d enjoyed himself immensely. He has gotten better but says he will never be a pro.

Steve is funny. I mean gut-splitting, spit milk out your nose, pee your pants funny. Most of his quiet little comments go unnoticed by those who don’t know him, and they are missing a lot of laughs because of it. He has bought nearly every stuffed animal I own (and I own a lot of them, mostly ladybugs) because he enjoys making other people smile. Okay, mostly me.... Then again, he also worked two jobs to put me through college, so you have to know he’s a good guy.

Funnily enough, people actually think Steve looks a little scary. I don’t usually see it though. I see a big teddy-bear, or a really goofy guy who just wants to have fun. Sometimes I accuse him of being a ten-year-old in the body of a grown man (I guess like BIG) because he loves fart jokes and many of the other things every boy I’ve ever known has liked. This man used to sit down and watch a couple hours of Sponge Bob when our son was small. He watches Red Green, Monty Python, Mythbusters, and the Mel Brooks movies and wishes he could do something like that.

Now me, I suppose. Well, I’m in my late thirties, but sometimes feel three times my age. I haven’t had an easy life (who has?) and my body is feeling it. In 2017 I had a pretty bad fall that resulted in lingering pain for years. Pain so bad that I couldn’t even walk. We had no medical insurance at the time (we were poor, but not poor enough, and living in SC, a state that didn’t take kindly to the ACA), which meant that the injury went untreated, even undiagnosed.

If the physical injury wasn’t enough (it really was if you ask me), the meds that they gave me to treat my PTSD were late a couple times. It was a medication with a warning I was never given. Occasionally someone will withdrawal from certain medications in such a way that it causes damage. This particular withdrawal caused me to have seizures, brain zaps (which can only be described as electricity zipping through your head every time you move it, or even your eyes) and suicidal thoughts so severe my husband had to take several days off work just to sit with me.

All totaled I was trapped mostly in bed or in a wheelchair. I was depressed and anxious. My PTSD was worse than ever. I was feeling hopeless and alone all the time, and I honestly wasn’t sure if there was any reason to keep going. I would have really great days, when I was able to get my wheelchair down the ramp, take the bus to the store, even see my friends. And then there would be days when my hip would lock and I would fall down.

After a fall I could usually expect to be trapped for days in my bed, in unending pain, and mostly alone as my husband had to work, walk the dog, take care of me, do all of the household chores, and literally everything else. My only contribution to our life was using the phone to pay bills and make cigarettes. I felt like I was a burden to my husband. It just got worse and worse and I didn’t see an end.

It’s interesting what life gives you sometimes. One afternoon, when I couldn’t find any inspiration for a fanfiction story I was working on, I started looking on YouTube for anything that would keep me entertained. As I was scrolling through, I saw a video from Trent & Ally (Experienced Van Builder Creates Masterpiece (4k) Van Tour). When the video ended I remember thinking, ‘if I’m going to be stuck in bed all the time, I wish it moved.’ I had no hope of having “van-life” adventures. Not with my health so bad, or with my mental health not much better. Still, it gave me something to dream about.

Then one day my husband sat down in his chair across from the bed, looked me in the eye, and said “we’re going back to Maine.” He’d had enough of seeing me suffer. So, we came back to Maine. It didn’t work out the way we planned. We had to leave our dog Chyko with my cousin (his original owner, who had raised him from a pup) and his family and take the train and a bus to get there, which meant leaving almost everything behind for the second time (we’d done that when we moved to SC after I found my mom).

Almost immediately after getting to Maine we were able to rent a lot with an old trailer on it (1972) not far from Steve’s brother. Right after moving in, I applied for Maine Care, which is Maine’s version of Medicaid. After a while, with the proper medication and a LOT of hard work, I started to get better. First it was just walking from the bedroom to the kitchen. Then I wasn’t staying in bed all day anymore, I would sit at the table. After a while I was walking several times a day from one end of the trailer to the other.

You should have seen my husband’s face when I told him I was going to walk to the store for the first time. I actually thought he might cry. He walked beside me the whole way, telling me over and over how proud he was of me and grinning from ear to ear as he “showed me off” to the people of the town he had grown up in.

It’s funny the way things happen. Covid shut down the country. More and more I wanted out of my house. I took over walking the dogs (who we adopted from Steve’s brother when they moved to a place that wouldn’t allow dogs) twice a day. I started going out with my sister-in-law to stores and walking through them, first in my walker, and more recently on my own two feet with absolutely no help!

Over the past year I have gotten stronger. I will never be where I was before. I will never walk 23 miles with a toddler on my back again (yes, I did that once). I won’t be skydiving, or cliff jumping, or any of the major things I wish I could have tried at least once when I was young enough to survive (he he he). Still, I have a lot of life ahead of me. I’m glad my husband didn’t let me give up.

And now we are preparing for our next adventure. We are going to buy a shuttle bus and turn it into our home on the road. We have several reasons for this. One of those reasons is to pay off all of my outstanding medical bills. I literally owe so much that if I keep paying at my current rate it will take me 417.8 years to finish. So in part, I suppose this is about making sure we don’t leave that debt to our son.

There are other reasons though. One of them is that I would dearly love to meet a few of the couples/families/individuals I began following on YouTube over the past three years. Another reason is because we will never be able to afford a retirement on what my husband makes working in a grocery store (which was his only option after moving here) and we need to go where the work is. We also want to see the country, find out who we are now that “mom and dad” aren’t our biggest titles anymore, and to keep us both active and healthy.

(Okay, and because someone told me I couldn’t do it and I’ve never been able to resist proving people wrong when they say that, so long as I actually WANT to do it).

I’m sort of hoping my husband can put together a show of his own, that people actually enjoy watching on YouTube. Sort of a mix bag kind of show that brings in elements from his favorite shows and movies that really speak to us both. We would love to make videos about how and where to fish, or how to get a fishing license in a state other than your own. I’d even like to do my own short segment, sort of like what Mariah Alice does in her videos. Just talking about what I’m feeling, and why. Figuring out where I go from here.

And... both of us want to help others in our situation (low income) make a go of the life. We watched, horrified, over the last year as more and more people lost everything to wild-fires, floods, even evictions. We want to make it possible for other people to take their homes on the road with them. We want to help families who are really struggling figure out what to do next. And we want to really join in the community (which will be hard with my social anxiety, but not impossible).

Mostly, I think we just want to live while we still have time. I’m done existing. I want to really enjoy what is left of my life. And I want to keep getting better. If I am ever going to check off the last item on my bucket list (WALKING the full length of the Appalachian Trail) then I need to get much stronger than I am now.  

As for who is traveling with us...

The young Marine in the picture is our son, Tim, who has made us incredibly proud. He lives on base and seems to be doing very well. I wish he would call more, but what can I say, he’s an adult now and deserve the right to start his life, not keep his mom worry-free. He won’t be traveling with us, unless he decides to visit when he can build up some leave time.

If you look at the picture of me lying on the couch covered in dogs however, you will meet Madison (a twelve year old pitt mix) who we adopted from Steve’s brother. She is sweet and affectionate, but tends to bark at strangers and friends alike (you can only tell the difference by the beating your knees take from her tail). Beside her is Avalanche, her son, whose name fits him perfectly. His father was mostly lab, which shows. He is super affectionate, and if he doesn’t get my attention he will put his paws on my leg and lick me half to death until he does.

Both our dogs tend to bark when there are strangers around, though we are trying to get them into the habit of only giving one bark, to warn us. Unfortunately it is a bit more difficult to retrain older dogs, so it hasn’t been as easy as it was with retraining Chyko. Thankfully neither of them have huge health issues, but Madison is getting older. We’re hoping that since she isn’t full-blood pitt she will live a little longer than it says online.

Our plan is to stay in Maine during the summers, except perhaps an occasional trip, and mostly travel in the fall, winter, and spring. We do want to avoid the heat (mostly because my husband is afraid I will go supernova and take half a state with me if I get too hot), but we really want to see our son and visit with our other family down south, but then we will probably follow the weather to avoid costs associated with heating or cooling.

Right now we are just at the beginning. We’ve only just made the decision and haven’t even gotten our shuttle bus yet (though we are looking for the right one). We are gathering the supplies we will need to start. We plan to live in the bus during most of the build. Basically we have to do the insulation and redo the floor, walls, and ceiling of the bus before we build out anything, but the whole idea of hooking up the solar terrifies me and makes my husband a bit nervous too, so we will probably wait on everything but a little Jackery until we really know more.

We’ve been watching hundreds of YouTube videos a week for the past two weeks! We have a list of the things we NEED, and the things we want. Right now we are focused on needs first. Things like the ability to cook and wash dishes and have light at night. There is so much more to do, and it will probably be fall before we even get on the road in a barely renovated bus.

We might be crazy. We probably are. A least a little insane. Still, if that crazy makes us happy, gets us out of debt, lets us figure out who we are now, and enables us to see friends and family we dearly love and miss, then I’ll take a bit of that crazy any day of the week.

#bus life #bus build #travel #new adventure #change #getting out of debt #empty nest

[frommainetospain2020]

Is this an actual Spain-oriented blog post? (With some secondary baking blog thrown in, because look at who is writing this... Honestly...)

I’ll just out and say it. After experiencing bureaucracy from just a short-term residency perspective, I see where illegal immigrants are coming from. I’m not saying that I agree with it, I’m just saying that I get it...

You’ll recall last week that I talked about my T.I.E., or Tarjeta de Identidad de Extrañero (my residency card) has been a major pain in the ass. The documents are not THAT horrible. I’ve collected documents for processes like this numerous times before. I’ve applied for, and gotten two visas. I’ve filled out the mountain of study abroad paperwork for my first trip abroad. I’ve gotten a residency card (With the help of my program) in Italy. So I’m no stranger to paperwork. But the friggin’ appointments.... Boy let me tell you...

I mentioned this in my last blog post and honestly it bears mentioning again. Getting the appointment to get my TIE was awful. The website is notorious for not having appointments available. This is country-wide (or at least Madrid-wide, I’m not really sure about elsewhere tbh...). There are thousands of auxiliares (language assistants like myself) who are trying to make this appointment, and the Communidad de Madrid only puts a couple on at a time, and at completely random times.

In maneuvering the website, I got pretty good at entering my information. A lot of it was easily autofilled or found in a dropdown menu by typing a letter. Normally, if you were lucky enough to get an option for a location at the end of the process, you’d put in your email and phone number, and then get the dreaded “No Appointments Available” message.

Others in my program that got appointments before me, said that they spent 1-2 hours of free time just constantly reentering their information, eventually to get lucky and get an appointment. I tried that... Spent about an hour just reentering information and getting nowhere. The site has a CAPTCHA, which starts off as a simple “Check this box”, but after entering information as quickly as I did, it evolved into a “Click each picture that contains this thing”.

So that was a no-go. On Tuesday of last week, as you probably know from my previous blog post, I got my empadronamiento, which was the last document I needed for this appointment, aside from the appointment itself. After I had this document, I logged onto the TIE appointment website, and got an appointment. On the first try. It’s like they knew...

I said most of this in my last post, so I’m going to get to the point. I had the appointment yesterday. It was a dreary and rainy day. The police station where I had it done was quite a ways away, and I didn’t want to miss it, so I took an Uber. This was the second and third experiences with Uber that I’ve ever had, and I’m quite pleased tbh.

The first Uber drove what seemed like really fast. When I got to the police station, I wasn’t 100% sure where to go. I got in the line that led into a super long line past a security checkpoint. I was apparently in the correct place. I stood in this line, eventually went through the metal detector, and then got in the main line I had to wait in. This was confusing as well, because there was a tent, where the line looped around through. I figured it out eventually, but it took a second. This process gave me COVID test vibes from the 5 hour line that I stood in at the end of September. However, this line moved much faster.

When I was towards the front of the line, I saw a couple of people that had the same CIEE folder that I did. They proceeded to go into the wrong line. I sent a message to our group chat saying which line to get into, and the girls that were in the wrong line came to my line, and waved to me.

When I was towards the front, it was already about 20 minutes past my appointment time, so I was freaking out a little bit, but it was fine. I was let into the office, and eventually sat down with an officer. I handed him my stack of documents. He took what he needed and handed the rest to me. I knew I had to be fingerprinted, but he only took the fingerprints of my pointer fingers on both hands. So that was strange. He had me take a paper to a different cubicle, and the other guy said I was all set, and to make an appointment to get my TIE in about a month.

When I left the police station, the line for the metal detector was super long, so I wanted to get as far away from this mess as I could. Before I summoned my Uber, I went to a place that was more suitable for an Uber pickup. I got picked up and got driven back to my apartment.

Also, one of my original roommates moved out, because her classes went online and she went to live with her dad. Our new roommate is nice. She’s an older lady from Colombia. There’s more of a language barrier, because she doesn’t speak English, but I’m adapting fairly well. She also convinced our landlords that our fridge is too small, so we’re theoretically getting a new one that is bigger, which is nice.

So, let’s get to the baking part shall we? On November 2nd, I made Pan de Muertos (Bread of the Dead) for Dia de Muertos (Day of the Dead). The results were.... interesting...

The design is supposed to look like bones. This is what the video’s bread looked like, so I at least did that correctly. Knowing the unpredictability of my oven, you can probably guess my problem by looking at the picture. The bread under the designed part didn’t cook. At least at first...

This is the recipe I followed if you are so inclined:

The bread dough was actually quite nice when it came together. It wasn’t tremendously sticky. It didn’t rise as much as it should have either though. The video didn’t show any kneading, so I’m wondering if that would have changed the consistency of the dough and helped it to rise.

I haven’t used orange zest with anything before, so that was a new experience. If I ever attempt Italian Cornetti, that’s definitely a good skill to know. I didn’t actually have an orange, so my roommate let me have a mandarin.

The bread ended up rather doughy and underdone. I ended up putting it back in after the above picture to cook more. The top got darker than I wanted it to, but the rest just wasn’t done. The end result wasn’t HORRIBLE, but it wasn’t great either...

I also got a new mattress. My original mattress was super uncomfortable, and you could constantly feel the springs pressing on you. I told my landlords, and they full-on bought me a new mattress. The reason I’m mentioning this is because when they came to switch them out, my landlord told me that I was using an overly powerful setting on the oven. Since my landlords actually lived here at one point, I figure they know the intricacies of this oven better than I do.

So today, I made brownies. I used the setting recommended by my landlord. It turned out MOSTLY alright. It burned a little, but that’s due to a number of factors. I’ve determined that for each thing that I’ve baked while abroad, the first attempt at any given project is bound to be a disaster. And honestly, this wasn’t much of an exception. Since I usually cooked on the initial setting that I used, and was using the different normalized setting, it was a different vibe. Since it didn’t cook as fast and seemed to be on par with what it should’ve been, I wanted to cook it for the full amount of time, 30 minutes. It isn’t the worst results I’ve had with this oven. It is a bit more burned than I initially thought when I posted it on Facebook, but the inside is gooey and what it’s supposed to be, so meh.... It’ll go better next time...

Also, I scraped the burnt crumbly part on top off, in order to make it look less burnt. It kind of helped, but was still burned. Most of this was user error on my part, and getting used to the proper oven setting. But hey, you live and you learn...

This was the video I followed for the brownies: 

So yeah, I’m on the way to short-term Spanish residency, and figuring out how to work this infernal oven...