#how am i still awake lol

[miguxadraws]

more rat

i will try to control myself now i swear

sillies belong to @spitinsideme

#spitsy you are ruining my life !!!! #this creature has been one of the very few things i've been constantly thinking about #im on my knees #i just like her so much i CAN'T stop.... #i'm normal now though trust me #(lies) #I CANT STOP #!!!!! #i love this au so much it's unbelievable #straight up embarrassing! #also wtf 3 drawings in one single day?? #how am i still awake lol #tadc #the amazing digital circus #my art #tadc fanart #tadc ragatha #tadc pomni #buttonblossom #pomni x ragatha #ragapom #jesterdoll #tadc au

[pepprs]

i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god

#purrs #but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so #fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done. #like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong #enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long #and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and #consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that #everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered #out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am #forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR #FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY #FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am #the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i #HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help #and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL #delete later

[truckstoptigers]

i hate being fine all day & then all of a sudden feeling miserable

#what the fuck am i doing with my life lol #it doesnt make me want to d*e but it makes me feel so fucking heavy #like im just not doing what im supposed to be doing. my peers are still ahead of me despite the fact that im 22 #i cant drive yet i dont live on my own i dont work right now theres so much i dont know how to do and its overwhelming #i feel like ill never catch up because im sitting here constantly fucked up abt what was happening to me 10 years ago #it makes me want to fucking cry and im so tired of feeling like that so often #it never truly ends #milo murmurs #csa vent #i get angry too bc i know none of my abusers regret what they did to me #it doesnt keep them awake at night. it doesnt pop into their mind randomly. it doesnt interfere w their daily life #it didnt give them chronic fucking pain!!!!! #but at the end of the day im just sad im like this bc i dont know how to fix it

[roscoehamiltons]

there’s a rumour that Lewis is driving for Ferrari this year, not 2025, but how is that going to work with Carlos, who is also still contracted to drive for Ferrari this year?? is he just gonna sit out or what 😭

#yes I’m still awake lol how am I supposed to sleep w all of this happening #obviously nothing is confirmed yet lol and it seems unlikely lewis will be in ferrari this year but 🤔 #I’m still trying to process everything that’s happening. literally going thru all of the emotions #lewis hamilton #carlos sainz jr #roscoehamiltons.txt

[keeps-ache]

it's one at night, my feet hurt from sliding around on the carpet trying to learn the charleston

#just me hi #Hi Hey Hello yes i do not know why i am still awake hfbvhsja #/i've figured out how to do that funky sliding thing!! i just can't get my feet to work quite right yet lol #and also i am afraid for my ankles. but sacrifices Must be made!! #and OW. my Feet #i've tried the Two different shoes i had at my disposal that had no floor grip and they didn't really work out SO #the plan is ! Tomorrow. me. some socks. and the kitchen floor. all working to charleston Hfvbhdvh #//siblings wanna play a game before 2 though‚ so! #toodles :3

[latinokaeya-moving]

everytime. everytime i talk abt finding the whole immortality dilemma a lil funny/Personally trite bc i’ve very desperately wished i was immortal since i was like. 12 years old. i’ve gotten ppl trying to explain why immortality is narratively treated as a bad thing that has many downsides actually as if i haven’t heard the argument of “but you’ll outlive everyone you know🥺” before and just straight up don’t care that much abt it 😭

when i was watching iwtv this weekend w my cousin i brought it up bc obviously vampires r always talking abt the gift/curse of immortality n when i rolled my eyes n jokingly was like immortality rocks actually she very stiffly was like “you just say that bc you haven’t lost someone yet” and like yeah i guess that’s true but also i think you severely underestimate how much i fear my human mortality lol

#x #death stresses me out a Lot i’ve talked to my parents before abt how if it was possible i would be into being #cryogenically frozen or smth until ppl figured the whole lengthening lifespan thing out😭😭 #i was Extremely neurotic about it as a teen a lot of my intrusive thoughts involved me suddenly dying n that would make me freak out m just #start crying at the idea of it lol #the whole reason i started listening to podcasts was bc otherwise at the time when i was working in the evenings i would just let my mind d #drift* to the idea of death n i would get sooo agitated and upset abt it #i straight up often stayed awake for HOURS bc i couldn’t bring myself to fall asleep bc i was so scared of dying suddenly overnight like i’m #not kidding at all when i say i went insaneeee #everytime i thought abt death it’s always stressed me out. so i’ve Always said that id take immortality any day lol. #even tho my fear isn’t as Ever present n constantly bringing me to tears now i still stand by it sorry i know i know the conceptual issues w #becoming immortal and all but 🤷 death scares me more lol #if ur curious btw im not scared of death in an abstract sense i just Really don’t like that we don’t definitively know what happens after we #die and hate that. and the standard idea of when u die ur consciousness ceases to exist is upsetting to me lol i don’t like it at All #it’s why i sometimes wish i was able to be religious in some way bc i want the comfort of some kind of assurance of what happens after #but yeah. ANYWAYS. was just thinking abt this bc of the reminder of that convo w my cousin bc i saw iwtv on my dash #i AM the weakest link and would 100% ask to be turned into a vampire given the opportunity thank you very much

[fratboykate]

After Kate hard launches her gnome girlfriend, whats the first thing they do in public together? What's their official release moment?

i dont have my notes open but if i remember correctly im pretty sure kate goes full "idgaf" and basically holds yelena's hand in public the next day. paps have swarmed even harder now that everyone is trying to get pics of them and yelena is still in full "this is my job kate" mode but kate dives head first off the deep end and goes for the hand hold first chance she gets. yelena is all "😮‍💨youre impossible😮‍💨"

#bro its after 2am how am i still awake lol #something like that #i can double check tomorrow but idk how im even awake right now haha #kybgau #anonymous #answers

[eirian]

taking a third shot at my evilverse by renaming it the darkverse instead..whipped up a couple stories for patoto and kinpa and man. theyre edgy!

#evilverse didnt rly sit right with me for a while #but i think darkverse is more doable?? #im still a bit on the fence about it but we'll see how it goes i guess #all i know is kinpa is fucked up and evil still lol. both he and patoto have trauma but damn kinpa did not deal with his well in particular #actually now that i think about it i have the desire to create one oc story in particular and idk if these two scratch that itch :/a #i feel a LITTLE iffy abt it tho bc its based off someone else's story for their character and i dont wanna be That Guy yknow #i know i jack canon stories and designs a lot but its different when its an oc #i based patoto and kinpa in darkverse off the same song just different verses but thats their only basis so far #i kind of had the idea to implement them into fractals? which i learned i apparently named rifts on toyhouse lol. i guess rifts still works #but anyway if they were in rifts thatd be. a whole thing LOL bringing these two edgelords into the picture with their alt timeline kids.... #thatd be traumatizing for the kids actually. oop #anyway i know im leaving a lot of tags its like 4 am and im still fucking awake

[ipatrichor]

genshin gender-related headcanons because they entered my brain and i'm being haunted until i write them down:

- transfem barbara

- bennet is transmasc and kaeya gave him his first binder (up to you where kaeya got it from)

- rosaria is gnc in the way of people use varied pronouns and forms of address and she literally does not care. you cannot gender her in a way that matters

- fischl plays into traditional concepts of femininity to enhance her prinzessin role but when it comes to her actual gender she's indifferent

- if razor knew what gender is he wouldn't care

- albedo is doing a complicated scientific study on gender and hasn't decided if he wants to use any labels for himself yet

- lisa also transfem but like. nonbinary flavor. what's the fuckin word uh demigirl i think. something like that one

- il dottore is cishet. have you SEEN how this man is dressed in the manga, fatui = clowns Real, he needs to be arrested not for the murders and unethical human experimentation but for his crimes against my fucking eyes

- if klee knew what gender was she would try to turn it into an explosive (and knowing her, succeed)

- the kamisato siblings are Both trans. they like to joke that they swapped genders

- diona is transfem bc i care her. she's adorable & i wish her luck in her destructive endeavours

- personally i greatly enjoy transfem eula but genderfluid or otherwise nonbinary eula is also excellent

- amber. u already know what i'm going to say. she's transfem and i love her. she has so many little sister vibes i want to put her in a headlock and noogie her

- diluc knows what gender is and doesn't care

#can you tell i'm tired? lol #i've been awake for like 16 hours #idk how many is normal but this one started way too early so #no i am not maintagging this tonight's insane rambling is just for my followers <3 #yes this is mostly mond ppl. i'm biased ok #kaeya isn't here bc i project on him the most so he can be literally anything and i wouldn't count it out #jean my beloved i'm so sorry i just couldn't think of anything for u. ur still non-cis in my heart tho <33 #pat.txt #pat.ramble

[onigiri-dorkk]

Welp, didn’t get as much done as I wanted to today so I’m still up at 12:45am uploading files to my drive so that tomorrow morn I can crank out the final edits and get this gallery sent off, so that I can rest on Christmas Day — before cranking another final gallery before January 1st. Holy shit, this workload is kicking me in the ass and tonight I finally cried as I was falling asleep at my computer.

I’m soooooo close!! After the next gallery my slate is clean!!! AND I CAN WRITE AGAIN!!

The downside is time keeps passing and I feel like I’m losing my fire and inspo for all of my WIPs rn 🤧 I think I need to get a one-shot in to get the fire burning again! Maybe I can write right now as I’m waiting for all my files to upload l o l hmm

EDIT: the last of the batch of files are uploading now and -- huzzah -- I have written 1700 words towards a RM one-shot HEHE

#1am writing sesh? #how tf am I still awake when I was falling asleep earlier #maybe the crying gave me adrenaline LOL #merry Christmas Eve to those who celebrate! #personal

[hidden-highlands]

had my first day at course today and it was really good and validating :) this is going to be good for me i think

#i am very tired and SO unused to having to be Awake and Get Places by a certain time but. it's good #genuinely don't think i've had this much structure in my life since..... 2019? maybe? idk #anyway i came home frm course in the afternoon and knocked out a BUNCH of things on my to do list and did chores and wrote and cooked #which is more than i've done in a single day for a very long time lol #turns out all i needed was external structure and accountability in my life lol. who knew #it made me feel a little bit more like my high school self again (in a good way) #bc when i was in high school i was SO productive and busy all the time bc i was doing a million extracurriculars #and i still often look back at that and go damn. how did i do that. how do i be that person again. #while i don't think the extent to which i was Busy was healthy or sustainble i would like to embody a more balanced version of that energy #bc i miss being Busy and having Things Going On and Being Involved In My Community #and today i felt a glimmer of that person i used to be :) it was nice :) #kiwi speaks #positive blogging

[archervale]

I'm hungry and its 2 am uggggh

#midnight snack? midnight snack #bigger question is why and how I'm still awake I woke up at 6 am and worked 8 hours lol #stupid posts

[justtogetthrough]

It’s always funny being in a mental health crisis and having someone external be like uuuh have you thought about going to the hospital? And it’s like no, actually. Because hospitals turn everyone away even when they’re at great risk to themselves and others so nothing about the ER comes up in my mind because it’s always a tiresome and humiliating waste of time and they don’t actually ever wanna help. It is not an option I ever think about.

My friend was like but… you haven’t slept in 2 days, likely aren’t going to sleep tonight, and this kind of PTSD flare up has led to psychosis in the past, are you sure they’d turn you away?

And honestly? Not for that lol. When it comes to self harm they absolutely do not give a fuck but if I present saying I haven’t slept in days, this has triggered psychotic symptoms in the past, and this is potentially a problem that can be treated with ~drugs~ instead of actual mental health help, maybe I should consider the hospital 🤔

I just don’t know what to do about work this week and I’m taking it one day at a time bc I have actual children depending on me right now and can’t disappear but if I’m not sleeping still by Monday morning I’m gonna be in no shape to work and I might have to tell my manager regardless of whether I just take time off to sit through this hell on my own or maybe go to the hospital to see if they’ll admit me to experiment on me with drugs ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m honestly curious if they could find something that’d work. Nothing in my bedroom pharmacy has done a THING to reduce the agitation.

#I also don’t wanna be admitted while these are the last few weeks of my cats’ life but #this up all night in severe agitation isn’t gonna be manageable after a point #tonight I’m overdosing on xanax to see if it helps lmao I’m supremely tolerant to it apparently so the dose I took should be equivalent #to my prescribed dose just… adjust to inflation lawl #I told my friend how much I took and what I expect to happen so if they don’t hear from me tomorrow they know what to tell paramedics l o l #this is safety planning I swear #I would readily go to hospital bc I do think this is something that could get me admitted and ordinarily I’d be like YES PLEASE. CANT MANAGE #but #work. and my cat. #why could this PTSD episode not have waited a month. I was gonna take personal time after my cat is put down anyway #perfect time for a hospitalization #now? fuck. worst time possible and yet. if I am awake all night again going through torture from my own brain #idk. PTSD is unreal. I still don’t think my actual trauma justifies PTSD this severe and yet here I am #personal #actuallytraumatized #also lol #sleeping pill cocktails #this dose of xanax should realistically be impairing me but I do doubt it. in this state my body is immune to everything #that’s how I even started the cocktail tag lol the shit I’ve mixed to try and break through the impermeability

[fridaynight--saturdaymorning]

Playing my bass for the first time in months. Is this what being a human person feels like

#I’ve lost so much of myself that makes me unique. That makes me someone who can be something to this world. I’ve felt no motivation to do #Things that I know make me happy. I practically begged myself to do this today. I don’t want to forget how to play when it’s something that #People really admire about me. My PE teacher used to say I was the best bassist in the school and that I was up there in terms of skill wit #My bass teacher (who he described as a ‘bass goddess’ lol) and it meant so much to me that I was seen in that way. As someone skilled and #Indisposable. People knew me for my performances and it was nice because people generally forgot I existed and didn’t even care enough to #Hate me. Things like this keep me sane. They remind me that even though I’m not seen as who I am by the outside world that doesn’t mean I #Have to lose that person internally. I can still be myself and I *should* still be myself. #That’s my I’m using my disc Walkman and collecting cds again. It’s why I’m gonna start going to the library again and being a preachy vegan #And buying my snacks and shampoo at the refill shop and spending my wages on lush if that makes me happy!!! I’m gonna try and finish all my #Supernatural dvds and the PlayStation 2 game I bought like 2 years ago and I’m just gonna try and be me as much as I can. Im sick of just #Waiting around consuming three pieces of digital media at a time checking all my socials every 3 seconds to see if anyone has remembered me #Or said hi or shit like that while trying to be as unconscious as possible while still being awake I’m going to live !!!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna #Try and keep being the person that people admire in me. I deserve that and so do the people that see that good in me.

[honeyed-disgraceful]

Every time I have a crush for someone I have this strong need to harm myself. I need to punish myself. I cannot fucking cope with this feeling I want to fucking die. I only know how to fuck and be friends. Whenever I have a crush on someone it's always someone I admire and they never fucking look my way the way I look at them. Obviously because I haven't ever deserved their attention and I want to fucking cut my body and bruise it for even thinking I had a chance. What the fuck it's such a waste of time. I need to stay in my fucking lane. I am unworthy

#misc #her her her #LP #is this the daddy issues lol #wanting attention from someone you admire and not getting it and wanting to punish yourself because you did something bad? #makes sense i used to get hit by him when i did something wrong #no matter how much you patch shit up with the parent that traumatised you the scars are long lasting #i still think like this #lol psychoanalysing myself at 2:25 am when i have work in 7 hours and have to be awake in 4 #its such a pain to be logical but also having fucking mental illness and unhealed traumas because i know im smart about it #but i cannot fucking cope #like i know the root issues but how the fuck do i solve them

[renaytellsstories]

Hoy hace 1 años que llegué a Tumblr. 🥳

Lol?

Time it's a lie cause WDYM ITS ALREADY BEEN A WHOLE DAMN YEAR SINCE I JOINED HERE???

#1 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone #man i have so many Questions #but you go girl #i guess? #like- im not joking it hasnt felt like its veen a whole yesr #the worst part its thatbive been a year and in still kore sure how TF u actually tag #atp im just having whole conversations with no one but my delusions on here lol #anywayz #looks like its tine to make a “Tumblr Annivrrsary” cake or smtg like that #also its 4:25 am so in not even gonna tey to make thisnshit make sence #and hace like actual understadable grammar and dots and spaces xmcaude im more sleep that im awake