#i KNEW something was fucking wrong

[choking-on-roses]

Just got diagnosed with fucking anemia y'all!

I have never felt more validated in my entire life.

#i KNEW it wasn't fucking normal to have to sneak home and lie down on my lunch break to make it through the day #i KNEW there was fucking something wrong with me. #but of course doctors haven't even been fucking checking and just tell me to lose weight #i lost 21kg and felt shittier and shittier with each passing day #GUESS WHAT A FUCKING SYMPTOM OF ANEMIA IS?? FEELING WEAK AFTER EXERCISE #i KNEW something was fucking wrong

[inkskinned]

so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.

first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.

it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.

and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.

you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.

and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.

your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.

in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.

in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.

so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.

you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.

once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.

and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"

you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?

hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!

you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.

we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?

#where's the word woman in this u might wonder if u suck #good news i am nonbinary and have a uterus so that is something that can happen #im also gender fluid tho which means im immune to certain psychic damage bc if u call me a woman i'll be like <3 okay <3 #writeblr #the tightrope of ''ppl need access to this'' #and like also #''what the fuck is going on over there'' is like. so difficult as an activist #i was <3 punctured <3 during mine #and almost bled out on the table :) they didn't have anyone standing by bc it's ''just a little insertion'' #so i started crashing and i vaguely remember apologizing for the fuss as i heard my heart rate monitor start going <3 tachycardic <3 #she wasn't even a bad doctor tbh #ps btw the reason i even HAD a heart monitor is that i have a genuine heart condition and they knew GOING IN that there was a chance #i'd crash on the table #like my heart just likes to do fun little tricks and <3 stop working <3 (i do not want to discuss the specifics ty i am okay im ontop of it #and they were like 'oh u will be fine' and then she did do a puncture thru my uterus . pop! #and im sitting there dizzy and feeling my heartrate start to drop bc it feels almost. beautiful. like. the whole ground just #woosh! out from under you. and shit is like grey's anatomy. i'm looking up at her grey eyes #she's old she wears this nice shawl she's like got Cool Lesbian vibes and people are sprinting into the room #from other parts of the clinic unrelated to me. while the monitor is like a little aria singing #and shes like hey youre okay stay awake stay with me something went wrong we have to keep trying #and i remember thinking - i was trying to think of nice things. i have so many beautiful places that now overlap #with this terrible memory #i became dimly aware that there was too much on her wrists and hands. like #that was too many liters #and then when they had finished all this. i packed up and drove myself home #i have had (bad thing) happen to me. and the same feeling happened after #that numb almost lamblike bleating. you cry without noise. like. ur body is so shocked and ur mind so empty #you just stare at the road and everything everything is happening behind glass and static and you are standing so far away from it #while you hold ur hands at 10 and 2. and something in ur brain is SCREAMING at you - IT WAS BAD AND IT SHOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED #and ur just watching the alarms in your body going off and youre thinking. a little pinch! ha. i think i just lost something important.

[heilos]

I already promised some more MSA sketches in the future for my watchers, but I figured ya'll deserved at least one cleaned up sketch right now since I haven't posted any art of the gang in awhile. Purely for fun as I've always wanted to draw the gang in more alternate outfits. :D

#mystery skulls #mystery skulls animated #msa #msa lewis #msa alive lewis #flowers #dahlia #my art #i love reds and pinks #a very happy and very alive Lewis for you guys :) #Edit: call out post to myself I fucked up something on the skin tone layer in my file and didn't notice until a day later I am so dumb #it's now fixed x_x extremely embarrassing on my part I knew something looked wrong ugh he now has his melanin back sorry Lew boy

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Sally is the real neighborhood Rizzler... you all know i'm right...

#she knew what she was doingggggg #she Knew!!!! #'youre going to make me blush' yes poppy i think that was her intention <3 #popstar is A tier ship you cant convince me otherwise #fuck now im tempted to make a For Fun ship tier list.... no im not. the exhaustion is just making me insane #popstar is theeeeeee lesbian pairing tho #fingers crossed im onto something with them #cmon cmon i love being right #i love clocking relationships before they happen its my fav hobby when watching/reading stuff #i know im delusional with laughingstock but Popstar? i! am! so! correct! #probably. maybe. if im Wrong... dont light your torches im just a lil guy #scribble garnish #welcome home #wh popstar #sally starlet #poppy partridge #THAT TABLE SHOT MY WIFE AND ATE MY LEFTOVERS #i rarely scribble objects and the like and its For A Reason #it was fun for like... ten seconds and then it got tedious but i was Committed #although. i will admit. #scribbling the misc items was nice. love me some Stuff and Things

[starry-bi-sky]

I'm having incoherent thoughts about clone danny again from the clone/clone^2 au (when am I not?) but more specifically I'm thinking about his reaction to finding out he's a clone. The standalone clone au digs into that a little more than clone^2, which is more focused on Danny and Damian's relationship. But neither (so far) really get into Danny's issues about finding out he's a clone after 15 years of thinking he wasn't.

Because he resents his parents for not telling him for so long. He resents the way he found out; through a trivial school project rather than a sit-down talk. He resents the fact that, apparently, they had meant to tell him sooner. But forgot. He resents the fact that they never told him because finding out feels like something was stolen from him when it had the chance to not be.

Danny Fenton, just fifteen, cloned not even half a year ago, knows what that personal violation of autonomy feels like. He knows what it's like to be cloned and while he loves Ellie, he does, she's his sister, and in this au his twin. But he is still left with that feeling of unsafety after realizing he'd been cloned. Being cloned is violating. The onset realization that it's so easy to get DNA without the other party noticing, and that what was stopping someone from trying to clone him again?

Followed only after with the rest of the inexplainable mix of feelings of being cloned, the rest of that inner conflict and panic that's an ugly mocktail of emotions that range from horror to fear. Trying to imagine what it's like to be cloned from the cloned party, and I imagine that it leaves you with the feeling of needing to crawl out of your own skin with discomfort.

And then he gets put on the other side of it. Danny Fenton, only fifteen, was cloned not even half a year ago, finding out he is a clone. And reactions, I imagine, can vary from person to person. But to him, it feels like something got stolen from him, like someone took a hole puncher and stuck it right into his chest and stole a chunk of himself from him.

It changes nothing about him and yet it changes everything. It's a betrayal on it's own to just find out he was a clone and they didn't tell him for fifteen years -- it shouldn't mean anything, because he's still Danny, and yet it means everything. It's him, it's him, it's about him. It's his personhood. It's about the fact that a load-bearing rock in his identity just crumbled beneath his feet and now there's a rockslide.

Because then he finds out that they used the wrong DNA. Its like pouring salt in an open wound. He's not even related to his parents or his sister, when for years he thought he was. It's the fact that pieces of his identity that he's been so secure in for so long just got ripped away from him in an instant. Then they tell him -- only through his own horrified prompting -- that the person whose DNA they used -- Bruce Wayne -- didn't even know he existed. That they accidentally used the wrong DNA, then didn't tell the person whose DNA they used.

The betrayal of being lied to for years turns really quickly into horror at his own existence. Something very similar to the horror he felt at being cloned and the skin-crawling discomfort that made him feel like his own skin wasn't really his. And then its not. It's actually not. Nothing but his own name feels like it belongs to him anymore -- not his hair, not his eyes, not his heart or his lungs, nothing feels like his anymore and he didn't know what that felt like until it was gone.

It's a question of Nature Vs. Nurture -- where does the line of "nature" begin and where does the line of "nurture" end? What of him is actually his? What of him is Bruce Wayne's? It's not logical, it's not supposed to be. It's a load-bearing wall on the house of his identity being destroyed and now everything else is caving down in on him. What belongs to Danny, what belongs to Bruce Wayne?

#dpxdc #dp x dc #danny fenton is not the ghost king #dp x dc crossover #dpxdc crossover #dpdc #clone^2 #danny fenton is a clone #its a combination 'oh my god i've been cloned too i know how violating that feels holy fuck' empathy and also the horror of finding out tha #the things you knew about yourself that you thought were unchanging was all WRONG. #its the fact that tragedy is always one step away from comedy. they're twins for a reason. the humor of finding out you're a clone through #a silly school project and the *horror* of finding out you're a clone from a silly school project instead of a proper conversation #danny goes into his room after he's done talking to his parents and he vomits into the garbage can under his desk. utterly horrified #and he calls sam and tucker crying. it shouldn't change anything he knows this and yet it changes EVERYTHING. he doesn't feel like himself #he doesnt feel like himself any*more.* this might be cause for him to do a closet overhaul. something to make himself feel like he's #in control of himself again. piercings. temporary hair dye. *something* to feel like he's in control. #its no wonder why he never wants to tell bruce wayne he exists because he *knows* how violating that feels and he's *afraid.* #it makes him takinh in damian a little more remarkable bc it undoubtedly made #his identity issues worse. but thats a child and a child who needs help and danny is *kind*

[sciderman]

i opened tumblr during lunch and the first thing i saw was peter parker britney spears. two of my friends stared at my phone and audibly went “oh” thank you for the blessing

i've had so many people tell me "sci. the only thing i know about you is spider-man and britney spears". and i think that's all there is. you're welcome.

#sci speaks #sighs. i miss my old workplace. those guys were so fun. i miss playing britney in the office all day every day. #i was myself. so unapologetically. sighs. siiiighs. #this new job is killing me. i need to find a way to be more aggressively myself but i don't have the energy. #the job exhausts me so much. or maybe it's my biology that's doing it. #whatever it is something is fucking WRONG !! #i think working in a big company you kind of have to lose yourself a little. just because there are so many people. #like you don't know those people. you just don't know all those people. you could never hope to know all those people. #but in my old place i knew everyone and they knew ME! knew all my sexy nonsense. it felt like home. kick off my shoes. #sighs. what do you do sci. what do you do. #i don't think if i moved company it would help. it might get worse.

[lab-gr0wn-lambs]

The queer comunity these days is OBSESSED with stereotyping people like it's some cute quirky lil thing it's infuriating. Lesbians looove frogs and mushrooms lmao, nonbinary people are all littol wittol rat creatures, asexuals love nothing but cake and garlic bread, transmasc little boy ukulele music, transfem TRIPPY WEIRD MUSIC, what do you mEAN you've never seen shitass lesbian film shitass lesbian film and shitass lesbian tv show what's wrong with you are you even a real QUEER? You HAVE to have seen- Shut up!! We're not a hivemind!! I'm going to puke!!

#like it's not the damn internet people irl keep putting stereotypes on me all the time #and then when I'm like 'no that's not me at all?' theyre like yeeeah right suuuure 😏 #people will put a stereotype on me of literally the wrong group. It's all so fucking arbatrary it's really annoying #when I came out as trans one girl was like 'aha yeah you didn't give me lesbian vibes' #and I know that was meant to be supportive or something but what the fuck are lesbian vibes #the whole past two years were you thinking like 'lesbian? really? ...ok... no vibes there' #what if I was? as far as you knew I was. as far as I knew I was! at the time! #as far as ~vibes~ go I don't think mine are very trans man #you can't put me in a box based on *vibes* goddamn #- sorry this post was sitting in my drafts for months so you're getting it now -

[buggbuzz]

my gender is like meat leaf i think. boy materials in the structure of girl. like im a girl made out of boy things but not in a transman way like i like being female im just. a girl-leaning boygirl. maybe??

#u dont understand ive been insisting to all of my friends for like 6 years that im NOT a trans man #i cannot be proven wrong at this point i'll lose it #and anyways im not actually a guy #im definitely a girl just like. a type of girl that scientists haven't discovered yet #and that sounds like a joke but im soooo fucking serious #im a fucking student geneticist dude #i think theres some autosomal gene (or probably multiple) that regulate gender in convoluted ways #probably linked and i think there's probably multiple types of fem and masc genders not to mention non fem OR masc genders #codominant? incomplete dominance? is it different on different scales? #its a completely possible and furthermore plausible concept like from my perspective it'd be really weird if gender genetics weren't a thing #i think theyve already lowkey been proven to be a thing cause of that paper comparing trans brains to cis brains #& finding a link where trans men had a certain section that was the same as cis men #and that same section in trans women was the same in cis women #its an OLD study too #anyways i want to research this one day but i also dont because i dont trust humanity with that information #but if i found proof that it exists maybe it could seriously back trans people with scientific evidence #not that they should fucking NEED it testimony should be fucking good enough #ive been bio obsessed since i was born and im a natural skeptic #but when i was 11 i asked a trans person i knew like 2 fucking questions and they answered me and i was like 'yeah this makes sense' #figured anything that didnt make sense was just something i didnt understand yet #and now that im older and in college level biology and genetics classes i know i was right #it would be really really weird if trans people didnt exist did you know that? all the kinds too like nb genderfluid agender genderq demi #i dont fucking care it makes SENSE #'nonbinary' was a good term to adopt because it really just fits perfectly #nothing in biology is ever ever ever truly binary especially not a neurological and psychological phenomenon #especially not in a species with a brain so overly complex and tangled up like HOMO SAPIENS?? #are you kidding?? the fact that we even have a concept of art and music let alone have talents and passions for them is proof alone dude #that shit doesn't help us survive its a modified version of pattern recognition and uncanny valley #combine that shit with the fact that intersex people exist?? like #nonbinary gender is literally the combination of intersexuality and human neurology

[gromky]

the problem with selling your soul is you only get one shot

Midge Ure//The Man Who Sold the World

#wheee mom said its my turn with the gun to his head screaming clip #peaky blinders #edit tag #such a deeply upsetting episode for so many reasons #also knowing who oswald mosley was before watching the show made this such a uniquely stressful experience #like I knew going in that fascist fuck lived well into his 80s #so there was this dread of knowing SOMEthing was about to go very wrong but not knowing what or how #had to use the cover its so much creepier lol sorry fit the vibe better

[forestgreenlesbian]

.

#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad #we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic #was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though #it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything #also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't #tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer #both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first #time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been #making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said #i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly #implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me #bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication #we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked #& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol #which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't #even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around #a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins #literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww #am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely #concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know

[justalittlebluetiefling]

For two hundred and ninety two years, Avalir has been writing a spell on the surface of the world to keep it safe.

#critical role #exandria unlimited #exu calamity #exu clips #LISTEN THIS MOMENT #SO. FUCKING. GOOD. #like we knew #WE KNEW something was going to go wrong #and you know it has to be on a grand scale #but when you actually see the scale of it #it's even more overwhelming and terrifying #brennan is SO FUCKING TALENTED #earlier this episode he says to them 'you guys are so good at d&d' #WELL SO IS HE #this is a whole fucking thing #i just CAN'T deal it's so good #i can't wait for a 6 hour episode tomorrow

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

frickin shite that was the worst small group I've ever been to in my life

#the eisegesis made me want to rattle out of my bones in frustration #got corrected for trying to cross-reference because ''we only stick to our one passage'' and nearly fucking cried about it #I PHYSICALLY CANNOT NOT CROSS-REFERENCE SCRIPTURE #not only is it a shitty hermeneutical process but it's also just Not How My Brain Works!! #y'all have seen me crossreference on this blog it isn't just the Bible! I can't Not crossreference things to save my life #and I basically got (admittedly she was trying to be kind about it) corrected in front of the entire group of 20somethings #and the couple that leads it are so PARTICULAR and nitpicky and it has to be done their way or you're gonna get corrected #my first introduction to her was her coming up to me while I was working the sound booth and telling me about something #wrong with my production setup that I KNEW ABOUT and WAS AND STILL AM NOT ABLE TO CHANGE #(our camera for livestreams doesn't have a high enough mount and I don't have space to extend it higher so we catch the tops #of people's heads in the camera shot) #and the girl I went bc I want to get to know her better WASNT EVEN THERE #I spent the entire time trying not to cry or look at anyone #I need to find a different small group... sorry all the kids my age were nice but I can't handle the structure or leaders #Lu rambles #adulthood woes

[brionnne]

note that i will only ever call mithrun "stupid" jokingly. by "stupid", i only mean "frustrating behavior that i am immensely familar with". seeing him do something that makes me groan aloud, closing my eyes, sighing "stupid (affectionate, mournful)". like when he fucking... his dumbass "i don't want to [use the bathroom] right now, so it's fine." oughh. i know you! i know you! that's not how that works!!! and he's smart!!! he's so smart... but god, god... he's kind of an absent professor. he's kind of a cloudcuckoolander. i love him dearly. he gets called a dummy, a little idiot, and i flick his forehead, a little bonk of hard-heads, like "try again, idiot. that's not how bodies work." and "ooh, 'that's not going to work'. yes it is. shut up, stoopid. stubborn little man, my god." rolling my eyes forever.

#mithrun #i'm not devaluing his intelligence #i feel like both can be true - that someone can be really smart but also take really stupid actions conversely #i fucking KNOW i do all the time #and i don't think there's anything particularly wrong with the word #it's not that his intelligence is compromised in any sense or that i think he's incapable #and it is solely #the fact that he is a stubborn little guy who doesn't listen and just goes 'that won't work' / 'i don't want to' / etc. #like... BUDDY... #buddy BOY #dummy #you are NOT a good judge of this ok? #zip ya lip little man #i know what you are #and i ain't fuckin listening to ya! #god. 'that won't work'. blah blah blah. okay sleepy. see you next panel. #fuckin knew that was going to happen #'i'm not tired' (his body stops working and he doesn't know why) #oh. OH. you're NOT? buddy i KNOW what happened ok? you need some fuckin rest #like - i'm gonna kick your legs out from under you + you're going to fall gently into bed + i tuck you in and smooch you #but i also fucking complain because OF COURSE YOU'RE TIRED ! you bastard ! go sleepy bye #it's his poor decisions and i know why he does them - because he doesn't know - but by god #it's also a little like please... listen to yourself... #on the one hand he doesn't know and never will #on the other hand ... you have been awake for hours and hours without sleep... please get some rest... #but yeah as someone who forgets needs and has little sense of that it is like... objectively a stupid experience #and i don't say that with judgement in my heart but it feels REALLY stupid when your body does something and you don't know why #it's not the disability though that makes me say as much - it is fully the fact that he is SO STUBBORN! SO STUBBORN!!!! #you say you're not tired and fall down? hm? then maybe you are? i know you don't know but whatever. let's get you to bed boy. ok? #caring for him + shaking my head like i get it so much but you gotta sleep! 'this won't work'. ok liar... i already know it will.

[fleshdyke]

#csa warning for tags #ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh #completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i #also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad #like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man #was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to #'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background #all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or #whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important #i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting #that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently #wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all. #and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head #like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have #to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it. #bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit #i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus #an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually #harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all #bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid. #and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is #but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core. #i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways #rambles #vent

[clonerightsagenda]

Possibly my *least* popular w359 opinion is that postcanon Doug and Miranda are friends and everyone else hates it. The others have all these preconceived notions about who they are/should be, and that has to get stressful. Doug has seen like 5 humans and isn’t an ableist jerk about Miranda’s eyes. Miranda tolerates him because he’s not weird about her. He’s the only one who knows her well enough to notice when her memories start trickling back and doesn’t say anything because that’s not anyone’s business. She offers to make him new lungs. They hated each other for personal reasons. They killed each other. They’re the only ones who understand this aspect of each other. They sit quietly in a room while the rest of the crew is piled outside the door trying to supervise out of paranoia but they are literally Just Hanging Out.

#also there is something both unsettlingly and comfortingly familiar about each other #she knew a more social man who talked to people so she didn't have to #he gave a girl brain damage once and then tried in a very fucked up away to make it right #maybe this time it won't go wrong (because it already did) #perpetual perpetual ladies night #wolf 359 #ok now I will log off for the night I promise #just think it's funny that like. Eiffel and Pryce would both hate this #Doug and Miranda know that

[orbmanson7]

My brain has still not even processed how messed up this is...

Can we maybe get Damien out of there already, wtf is this

#spy x family #spy x family spoilers #spoilers #spoilers spoilers spoilers #sxf spoilers #jfc give this poor kid a break fucking hell #i mean we KNEW something had to be wrong there but WHAT THE FUCK