#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vidavalor · 3 years

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Can we talk about how Sam is as useless at this as Bucky is, really, and it’s massively sweet?

Yeah, I’m writing about Sam because we all love us some brainwashed, century-old assassin endless array of hurt/comfort here but this idea that Sam, because he’s a therapist and not always a crying, nightmare-sweat-drenched mess, is Captain Got It All Together is not truth... because this poor broken-hearted kitten absolutely does not and it makes him so much more of a better-realized, fuller character...

I’m not trying to wade any ship wars here or any fandom strife over the Bucky slant to fic/sometimes erasure of Sam here... I love both of these characters equally and ship them but my point here is that I think that because Bucky’s trauma is more well-documented and, for lack of a better word, “flashier”, that some people might think Sam looks perfectly well-adjusted. By comparison, he probably is but this other, quieter story happening with Sam is necessary reading here if you’ve been sleeping on the complexities of one Sam Wilson that aren’t the ones the show is focusing on more explicitly relating to his lived experience as a Black man in America. (They’re not completely separate either but not only this part of his life.) What do I mean, exactly?

Been wondering how these two are falling in love but can mainly just get it from Bucky’s POV because Sam is awesome and Bucky is sad and need love? Not sure what Sam is getting out of his relationship with Bucky? Not totally sure you ship it but leaning that way? Yeah, pull up a seat because this thing I wrote after Ep 5 here (so spoilers through that) is basically an old-school ship manifesto at this point but comes at SamBucky/WinterFalcon from Sam’s side, rather than Bucky’s. (I have nothing *against* Bucky. I just think you’re missing half the goodness of this show and half the surprisingly tender romance of all of this if you are not focusing on Sam as much as Bucky.) If this interests you, then read on, being forewarned that it’s a little long...

So... Sam Wilson is a sweet, kind, warm-hearted, empathetic, drop-dead gorgeous superhero soldier flying military veteran therapist... whom the canon suggests is Bucky Barnes-level obsessed with his dead former partner (in some sense of the word), Riley. You thought it was just Bucky with the angsty past love? Oh no... oh, no no no....

Consider that Sam’s been back in Delacroix twice now in TFATWS and not once has his sister-- who adores him and who knows everyone in town-- suggested that she call up any one of the at least ten decent single people she has to know who live in the area to take her f*cking *dreamboat* of a brother out. Forget the show putting Sam in like twelve pieces of canon and not throwing a single human (not named Bucky) at him and what that implies-- we all know that Sarah wouldn’t care what kind of human her brother was attracted to and yet she and the entire community of Delacroix can’t seem to find this guy a date. He’s sweet and hot and an Avenger but our Sam’s a monk, you guys... More to the point... they don’t even try. They know better than to try anymore... which says a lot.

Going back awhile now, when Sam met Steve, he was still this equally dreamy and he didn’t even have any Avengers-related problems getting in the way of his potential dating life. He had a normal job working for the VA in DC. Yet, he clearly was seeing exactly no one and while I am willing to admit that pretty much any human would drop everything and follow Steve Rogers around the world, it’s clear that Sam wasn’t seeing anyone at the time because his life was able to be dropped in a second and he also had that file with Riley’s photo at the ready, man. At. the. ready...

He responded to the opportunity to follow Steve with no less need when it came to his own post-trauma-of-war identity as Bucky does. This isn’t to say that Sam is *as* lost as Bucky because it would be hard to out-do the once-brainwashed assassin who has been alive for a hundred years but Sam saw all sorts of hell. He’s a therapist for veterans because he’s had to get beyond *his own* PTSD and he’s really aware of how that is a journey that doesn’t exactly ever end. It gets significantly better and he knows how well it can-- that’s why he can tell Bucky that there is hope of that-- but it is very clear that Sam Wilson is still suffering his own kind of PTSD and his own grief for the death of a guy who likely couldn’t love him the way he needed him to.

I know we don’t know a ton about exactly what Sam and Riley were but I think there is enough to infer that they probably actually weren’t a couple. For one thing, Sarah never mentions him and even if the show wanted to be vague about things, they could phrase it like “it’s been forever since you brought back someone to the house, haven’t met any of them since Riley” or something. There are ways to infer that they were a thing and the nature of it, if the show wanted to do that but all they have suggested so far is that Sam was in love with Riley. We know he and Riley were friends and worked on the Falcon suit project together but what we are getting out of what they are giving to us is that Sam loved him but it’s not clear that they were even a couple. I’d even say the picture of them that he shows Steve and Natasha is supposed to evoke that they weren’t a couple-- it’s of Sam looking at Riley, smiling like he’s the moon and the stars, while Riley is smiling but just a bit and he’s looking at the camera, not at Sam.

In other words, remember Miller’s analogies from school? Sam is to Riley as Bucky is to Steve. I just offended every person reading this who thinks that Steve and Bucky weren’t an unrequited thing *ducks* but I feel like we’re supposed to take from what they give us that Sam knows a little something about being mad for a guy who thinks you are his best buddy but doesn’t look at you in a romantic or sexual way and you feel like you’re dying over it. Sam gets Bucky because Sam *is* Bucky when it comes to this.

If Sam and Riley were just the best of friends, Sam still would have mourned him greatly but it would not necessarily have impacted his love life the way it seems like it might have. I’m not necessarily saying there was no one but this is a man who even when it felt like Steve Rogers-- whom Sam obviously found attractive-- seemed like he was making Sam question whether or not he was coming onto him or just super-nice and making a new fellow veteran friend... even when that was happening, Sam’s response was that he didn’t hate it or anything and he was willing to help Steve with what he needed in this friendly, advice-giving sort of way and maybe they had a thing, who knows, but it was clear that Sam-- a guy who has to be hit on *all the time*-- wasn’t really used to the idea of there being someone in his life. So, he wasn’t letting anyone into his life. He would have had the chance, no doubt. He was choosing not to. Why would you choose not to? If you were grieving the loss of a man you couldn’t get over and you thought that you weren’t ever going to love anyone like that and maybe having someone wasn’t going to happen for you.

Like, imagine Sam’s surprise when The Winter Soldier turns up, nearly kills them all, disappears and they go on the run and he starts hearing Steve’s confessional stories about the guy who was his best friend and in love with him and Steve has literally never said those words aloud because they’re from the *1940s* and he’s felt guilty all this time for hurting him. Steve’s the kind of guy who would feel guilty for not being in love with someone who was in love with him. That’s when Sam, who thought he had more in common with Steve, realizes he’s actually *Bucky Barnes* in this story. He’s the damn Winter Soldier in the Steve-and-Bucky version of him and Riley.

That is how Bucky evolves from “the kind of guy you have to stop” in Sam’s mind to the guy he’s hanging out with in every fight and snarking over the car seats with. He’s like yeesh, I thought I had a few years of this ungodly pain and that was bad... this poor bastard’s been in love with a Riley who could and probably will live until he’s a hundred and thirty. Sam starts getting into this whole antagonist origin story of The Winter Soldier here because he realizes that one wrong move-- one case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time-- and he could have been captured during the war he was in. He could have been tortured like that, so easily, and he knows what it’s like to be tortured by love in that way.

Bucky, for his part, when he begins to get his mind back and more fully remember Steve and his past, takes one look at Sam and is thinking like... that poor SOB... oh, look, it’s 21st Century Me. So, you fell for Steve Rogers, huh? Welcome to the club. We meet every Tuesday at two to discuss being the pining best friend in love with a guy who, in all likelihood, is attracted to both of us but unless Tony Stark can shake loose a bit of the freak in The Star-Spangled Man With a Plan, we’re not getting anything but a most earnest and sincere friendship out of this (and if Stark can’t, no one can....)

Like, Bucky’s Steve love is pretty pure. He wants him to be happy. He’s hurt that Steve doesn’t love him the way he loves Steve but he does love him as his best friend as well and wants him to have what he wants out of life. If that’s going back in time to Peggy Carter (who wouldn’t, really?) and leaving him behind then, fine. He wishes he were still here but he’ll deal but he’s going to be keeping an eye out for the other guy left behind-- Steve’s new modern era best friend person. Bucky’s so gone over keeping Steve safe that he can’t even resent Sam’s presence-- he’s thrilled he exists. Someone good to look after Steve when Bucky couldn’t! Sam Wilson is heaven sent and must be protected at all costs! So frequently from some kid with webbed fingers, apparently!

Sam, meanwhile, is challenged by the dilemma that Bucky appears to think that they’re in the same boat while Sam, who for sure had a little crush on Steve as who doesn’t, has really come to realize that he is far, far more into the tragic one here. He’s so irritated about it. It would be simpler if he just fell for another blond soldier with red, white and blue blood who couldn’t love him. At least he’d just be completely hopeless then but the brainwashed one? The one that thinks he’s horrid but is so good that he can’t even bring himself to be that jealous of Sam when he clearly thinks Sam is sleeping with the guy he’s loved for years?

Oh, Sam’s gone on that one...

Bucky’s still a mess then so it’s harmless enough to just pretend he’s not writing himself into touch-starved Bucky fanfic in his own mind here but when Bucky keeps saving him in different fights? When he catches him looking once or twice. When the bickering is really flirting and Sam knows he means it that way, too? When the poor guy just gets his mind back, they all reunite and go to one battle and then the two of them disappear and miss *five years* of their lives? When then, soon after, Steve is gone, too?

When it begins to feel like *they* are now the story and meant to go through the rest of these things together? I mean, when everyone else is all on about the fate and destiny of it all-- Stark’s big sacrifice being the one way to save everyone, Doctor Strange going on about all the possibilities of the universe on a saving the world level but it so personal to the people Sam and Bucky know, Steve choosing to go back in time because he can and be with the woman he loved and never got to have...

...standing there in the funerals and aftermaths of all of this together, by virtue of being Steve’s Friends Who Aren’t Really Part of This Gang Exactly... are Sam and Bucky. What are the odds that they are supposed to be the rest of one another’s story? Sam was wondering it. He for sure hadn’t felt like this since Riley... he might not have really ever felt it at all before.

Can we just admit that while there’s been some guys in the past-- and it could be rephrased as ‘some people’, as while Sam is written to suggest he’s at least into men, he could be into people who don’t identify as men as well-- but there’s not been someone who has been able to love him the way he’s loved them.

He’s from the South and Black and the show taps into the racism he’s been through as a result. Not obviously in Delacroix, where he feels safe and seen, where people care about him and don’t care that he is not straight, but in other parts. He’s been in the military, where homophobia is still pretty rampant and it’s a culture of a lot of heterosexual machismo. (Hell, the show even has a kind of walking, talking example of a guy everyone knows was the epitome of that kind of culture, even if he’s been broken by that world, too-- John Walker.) It’s not even really clear if Sam is out and, if he is, to whom. He seems to be the kind of person to want to be himself as much as possible and Sarah likely knows because they are close but I’m not so sure that a lot of Sam’s military buddies actually did. He really strikes me as the guy who gets along with everybody and whom everybody loves-- but whom few people actually *know* because he keeps himself (all of himself, not just his sexuality) private from others...

...which is also a hell of a lot like one Bucky Barnes.

Guaranteed they became such fast friends not just from being sort of left with one another in the aftermath of Steve and their attraction but because Sam was amazed to find that Bucky was actually pretty funny and Sam just kept talking to him because while he has-- or had, anyways, before he ran off with Steve-- a ton of people he’d consider friends, he doesn’t really have anyone he’d consider to be a close friend and hasn’t since Riley. Bucky, just still stunned to be free of mind control and that there was another human being talking to him instead of looking at him as a weapon to program to kill, was eager to listen to and absolutely thrilled when he could find something sarcastic to say to make Sam laugh that surprised laugh and light up.

These two damaged couple of guys spent most of this show and the months before it just terrified by how much love they were feeling for one another and were very happy to let any conflict they could get in the way of it-- any excuse to claim they weren’t feeling totally seen and run for the hills back into their own trauma.

It’s not just Bucky doing this. He might have been the one not returning the texts at the start, the one who seemed to be withdrawing more, while Sam was texting him still to check in on him but how quickly that began to flip around by Episode 5.

Suddenly, the brave one is Bucky. It was Sam for the first few episodes-- he was stil trying and so hard, despite not getting what he needed in return and Bucky still sending signals that he wanted him but was happy to still revel in being too damaged and scared to try harder. By Episode 5, though? Bucky’s not only learned to trust himself again, it is proven to be what he was afraid of: not being able to protect and love Sam the way he wanted to and that Sam would leave him. Triggered by the shield as a metaphor for not caring about Bucky, not having a reason to still pursue him, Bucky thought he had successfully pushed Sam away and that Sam would really stop texting because to not do so would be to admit to one another that they wanted to be around one another and this wasn’t just about Steve/Captain America. By Episode 5, Bucky shows up in Delacroix not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but with eyes only for Sam and is every one of Sam’s favorite Bucky Barnes fantasies come to life.

It’s now Sam flipping out. Would you have expected the Sam of the first two episodes to be a babbling mess in the face of a flirty Bucky stretching and claiming it’s time for him to go get a hotel room? To try to be playing it cool but winding up asking him to stay forever and telling him he likes his tight t-shirts in the middle there? To get so nervous that he suddenly is babbling about six toes and flirting with Sarah, showing how jealous he was of Bucky just... smiling and being this guy Steve had said was under there but that Sam had only had small glimpses of so far? If he was gone for the broken Winter Soldier... he’s wrecked by a single smile from this Bucky.

This is the same guy who spent the first few episodes confident to a point of near-cockiness, loving flirting with and teasing Bucky, the one that seemed more well-adjusted and in control of himself. Overall, he is but there’s something there when Bucky shows up and White Wolfs Sam into a sputtering mess who is sending him little glances, as if they’ve switched bodies from the first few episodes. It shows *just how much* Sam is comfortable with Bucky and how rare it is for him because he would react differently to Bucky’s more overt flirting of Episode 5 if how he is with Bucky was his default in life. Instead, we see that some of it is posturing-- it’s the Sam equivalent of lifting heavy things and using power tools. His is the humor (what’s a better aphrodisiac than making the Winter Soldier laugh or flirt back or blush?) and the bicker-caring. We even see where it comes from, in a way. Sam is a soldier-- he knows how to help other traumatized soldiers and when we saw him in his VA group session when we met him, we saw him using that kind of machismo world and its language to communicate with the soldiers in the group. The difference for him with them versus him with Bucky is that he’s also flirting with Bucky. The buddy cop thing is intentional-- it’s Sam’s strategy, it’s been Bucky’s choice to respond to it and they’re playacting it as how they talk because it’s been easier than admitting that they are completely gone on another and just want all the soft things.

Up until recently anyway and now Sam’s reeling from a man he’s fallen in love with showing up and loving him back. Don’t think for a second that Bucky doesn’t know enough by now to know that it’d totally undo Sam but the surprise of it to the audience only really exists if you don’t think Sam and Bucky have anything in common besides their now-gone mutual friend. In reality, they’re endgame.

#tfatws #sam wilson #sambucky #bucky barnes #thefalconandthewintersoldier #marvel #bucky #buckysam #winterfalcon

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olivieblake · 3 years

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Sorry I haven't detailed my Friendship breakup ask earlier, managing life is taking too much time these days!

It's a bit hard to summarise but I have been soulmate-type friends with this girl, K, for three and a half years and really good friend with this guy, R, for two and a half. We all work together and our triangle friendship worked well. K and R fooled around a few times after parties, K developed feelings, R didn't and thought it was a friends with benefits thing while K hoped it would become more but it never did. Big problem was the lack of communication between them, both thought the other knew what they wanted but we know that things don't work this way.

I've been there for all of it, particularly for K who had been hurt by the lack of emotional intelligence R indeed displayed along the way. But I also felt, and I think R knew it herself, that she had been getting her hopes up almost all along and was setting herself for heartbreak, but life needs to be lived and sometimes we make mistakes just so that we can learn from them and K and I talked a lot about that, as I was myself getting entangled with another colleague.

Fast forward to last November, where, after months of horrible things piling up 2020 style, R and I spent an evening together watching movies, eating pizzas, drinking English cider and talking about how fucking sad we all were and fuck 2020 and family members dying of cancer way too fast, both in his and my family, and work being hell because the government is doing shit for making schools safe and everything going wrong all the time. At some point during the night there was a moment when I felt that R was offering more than just sleeping together in the same bed and I had a moment of hesitation but decided to not give in to it and to the the confort it might bring us both, mainly because I was sure it would hurt K if she ever heard about it. So we just slept, read books in the morning while drinking tea and there was no awkwardness because we both knew that it came from the fact that we trust each other enough to ask for comfort and even if it would have been a possibly stupid way to get it, it might have made us feel better in the moment. (even though we both think we'd have burst into tears 30 seconds in and not done it in the end)

I wondered whether I should tell K or not and decided to do it because nothing had happened, really, and if I didn't tell her when we told each other most things, that's when it'd have become suspicious and dishonest. So I told her that there had been a weird moment between R and I, that nothing had happened in the end, not in the best way in retrospect because it felt too casual to her, confirmed that had it happened it would have been weird for her and thought that was that since the next few days went fine. But at the end of that week she sent me an audio, saying that if I had feelings for R, I had a lot of time to tell her, that she needed people she could trust and who respected her in her life and that we weren't friends anymore. And that was it. Since then, she has refused to have a conversation to clear things up and has avoided me several weeks but has kept talking to R as usual.

I should have told her in a different way and I understand why she felt hurt imagining that R and I had spent a night of passion together but I told her, and then explained more clearly, that nothing had actually happened, that I wasn't into R and he wasn't into me, we were just both very sad and a bit too drunk.

The thing is, he's not hers, they haven't been in a relationship, he's not her ex either. Even if we had slept together, it wouldn't have had anything to do with her; people don't belong to people. But what's really hard is that we've been really good friends for several years and she was so quick to assume I would be cruel to her on purpose and that her feelings didn't matter to me when we've been there for each other a lot. And that putting an end to our friendship via WhatsApp was apparently so easy to do. (I don't really think it was, but it sure feels like it.)

And I've been asking other friends' opinions to see how in the wrong I was really, since maybe I couldn't see the situation clearly enough from my position, and the general consensus is that since I didn't do anything with him and was honest with her right after the nothing happened, she's being a bit extreme when the only actual thing she could reasonably resent me for is the way I told her. We're adults, we should be able to at least talk about it but I've offered several times and she says she doesn't need to or want to. But we're in the same friend group, we're supposed to spend time all together at some point and us not talking has an effect on the whole group dynamics, not just on us, and my awful need to make sure everything is balanced for everyone is going crazy.

It's been a long few months and my already sad and stressed out brain is having a hard time dealing with it and I hate that we're in this situation for something as futile as boy problems. I think there are issues of jealousy and self-confidence that stem from something else and that she's projecting it all onto this but it still sucks a lot, especially since she's refusing to talk about anything, even if we're at least back to saying hello and she has stopped fleeing every room I am in.

Anyways, friendship breakups suck, they can be as stupid as romantic breakups, and 2021 has better be nicer too everyone than 2020! Sorry for the novel-lenghth ask/story, my life is a succession of ridiculous plot points.

I hope you and Baby and Mr. Blake are doing well in these weird, weird times and I've started your book and I have loved your last video, especially the part on jealousy/possesiveness which was really well-put, as usual! Oh and thank you so, so much for your book recs on my last ask, I've added them to my To read-list <3

Okay, Love you, bye!

I feel like my last ask was a little bit too detailed to give a general answer/launch a large topic so I'm guessing it's mainly about how to deal with a lack of closure when people end things without the possibility to talk and get/give explanations. And I guess it goes for romantic relationships as well as friendships.

Love your big sistering, love you !

WELL I actually did not get this ask until a few hours after I had filmed this week’s video so not to worry lol I wasn’t able to address this specifically. but I think that’s the thing about the generality of grief over losing a friend—we don’t necessarily have to know the specifics of your story to understand it’s something we probably all relate to. and in this case I most certainly relate! I think this is one of those things where your friend had some personal things to work on and it put you in a difficult position, wherein you made the most logical choice. that’s the problem: you are looking logically at what is for her an emotionally fraught situation about her self-worth and your loyalty, which is why the math on your end isn’t adding up. (for the record I am much more likely to be in your position than hers; she sounds like a water sign but WHO’S TO SAy)

anyway, I don’t think you’re in this position over boy problems. a boy appears to be the subject yes but in fact he is the object; the subject is your friend’s feelings about herself and your—forgive me, but your compulsion to force her to get over it. I may not be completely right about that, but it does appear to me that you could have said nothing about the “nothing” that happened but chose not to because, ultimately, part of you wanted her to know. I don’t think this is sinister of you; I have a lot of friends who really need to just get over it as a general rule and sometimes it does feel like shocking them into it with new information might do the trick. but I think most likely she feels or intuits that in some way, and I suspect the root of her anger isn’t really about him but the “betrayal” she feels from you: that in that moment, you weren’t thinking about her* despite the fact that you would probably have known she would hurt if you had been (I’m sure you did know this to be true, and in my opinion are rationalizing your part in it; which is fine because you’re the main character in your life and not hers, but it is what it is) and of course she’s thinking about her, so what seems like a lot of pain on her end that she has no healthy method of dealing with is straining your relationship. I hope she can bring herself to deal with it, but she has a lot of work to do on herself before she can reach the pinnacle of what’s really bothering her. until then, it’s easier to blame you.

* edited to add: I know you said that you decided not to move forward sexually because of her, but I think what actually hurts her is not the possibility of sex, but the intimacy you had with him in that moment, which even you know is something she craved; perhaps delusionally. you don’t have to acknowledge whether this is a reasonable thing to be upset by, but I think the entirety of the situation is probably hitting her much differently than it hits you.

anyway my answer was not about this situation specifically but about why friendship breakups hurt so much, and I don’t think knowing the situation changes my answer. I hope it does help, because I think there is some part of this that is always true: one person needs to do something on their own before the friendship can be repaired, and it may not have been a problem at all if not for an issue of very specific timing. but trust me, whether this specific thing had happened or not this would still be true about the two of you, and about the ways your personal dogmas differ, and perhaps it’s better to see if she can take this leap now. maybe she will grow from it; maybe she won’t. either way, this is the part-grief, part-guilt formula I’m talking about, where sometimes you have to admit the breaking point happened, whether it could have gone differently or not, and now it’s out of your control

but I hope it helps to talk about!

#big sistering #olivie blake is not writing #persecate

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candyshua · 5 years

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Intertwined | Chapter One - Spilt Coffee

hey guys!! sorry for the inactivity. to make it up, i decided to start writing a multi-part fic!! this is a mingyu x reader x jeonghan love triangle. enjoy!!

Kim Mingyu was your best friend, your knight in shining armor, your crush, your everything. But sadly, you were not his.

After getting his girlfriend pregnant in his fourth year of college, the two of them moved away to America after graduation. And then, you were all alone.

Meet Yoon Jeonghan, your current best friend. An aspiring video game designer, he has been your rock for 5 years. He helped you through so much drama. You would be surprised to learn that he was madly in love with you.

What happens when Mingyu comes back to Korea?

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Potential Smut (I haven’t decided yet)

Warnings: Alcohol, foul language, pregnancy

Word count: 2,250

Chapter One - Spilt Coffee

Your back was starting to hurt. After sitting on that uncomfortable chair in that cramped cubicle for so long, you felt your body start to ache. You tied your hair up into a ponytail, fully aware that you weren’t going to go home until you got this stupid project done.

“Bye, Y/N!” Your boss, Wonwoo, bid to you as he walked out of his office and on to the elevator. You merely hummed him a goodbye, too preoccupied with your work.

You worked in the media department of a phone cable company. You write commercials, ads, anything that can get your product bought. It can be tedious at times, just like now. It’s especially tedious with you, since you’re the world’s biggest procrastinator. So, you’re pulling an all-nighter to finish proofreading this commercial so it can be sent to headquarters.

Sometimes, you felt disappointed with yourself. Your life amounted up to this--an office job. You also had a one bedroom apartment, which wasn’t too bad. It just never felt like home, nothing ever did.

You sighed, groaning frustratedly. “Get this done, Y/N.” You said to yourself. You then cracked your knuckles, swallowed another mouthful of coffee, and started typing away.

You arrived home at 3 AM. Lucky for you, it was a Friday.

Within minutes of arriving in your quaint apartment, you collapsed onto your couch, not even having enough energy to make it to your bedroom. You then smiled, thinking of that one time where Mingyu and you got home so late during sophomore year that you weren’t allowed to see each other for a whole month. You still saw each other anyway.

Then, you felt your heart get heavier, remembering where your dear friend Mingyu was right now. He’s in America, with his kid, and his girlfriend. Hell, she’s probably his wife now.

And you’re stuck here, in Korea, with no boyfriend, car, or family. You have your parents, but they’re too busy worrying about your little sister who’s getting in trouble at college right now to even acknowledge your existence. What did your existence mean anyway? Was it even worth a dime? Sometimes, it felt like you were watching your life pass you by. Days turned into months, and months turned into years. Yet you, you were still the same. Sure, you grew up, both emotionally and physically, but deep down you’re still that lovesick girl that lets little things get to her head way too much.

You sighed, running your fingers through your messy ponytail, trying to subdue the knots. You heard your phone ring, which brought you out of your depressive trance. You picked it up the moment you saw the caller ID, already fed up.

“Yes, Jeonghan?” You groaned, knowing what the next two words were going to be.

“I’m drunk!” Yup. You were right.

“Where are you?” You sighed, already getting up and getting your bus pass ready. Although you didn’t have a car, you always walked Jeonghan home when he was drunk.

“I’m at my apartment. Could you come here please?” Jeonghan pouted, and you physically cringed when you pictured his face in your mind. He was probably doing some drunken puppy eyes.

“You got drunk by yourself? Why’d you involve me in this? Just go--”

“Hyesung broke up with me.” Jeonghan sighed, and you swallowed.

“On my way.”

You knocked on his door very lightly, hoping not to wake any of his neighbors. You heard Jeonghan’s clumsy steps, and you watched the doorknob fumble multiple times until it was finally unlocked. The moment Jeonghan met your eyes, his mood immediately brightened. A drunken smile broke out on his face, and you inwardly vomited due to the putrid smell of alcohol.

Jeonghan is 28, and he is your best friend. You met him through your job, but he quit a while ago to go and follow his dream of video game designing. He wasn’t doing too bad actually, his apartment was nice. It was mellow, but you weren’t one to judge apartments, since your apartment basically screamed “depression”. You are 27, just a year younger than your best friend.

Jeonghan often calls you when he’s drunk, and you have no idea why. He often wakes you up in the middle of the night just so you could walk him home. If this was anybody else except Jeonghan, you wouldn’t do it.

You walked inside his apartment and threw your coat on the couch. You walked to his kitchen, which wasn’t a separate room from his dining area, and got a can of beer.

“Bad day?” Jeonghan asked, and you just nodded while walking toward his couch. You plopped down, sprawling your limbs across the piece of furniture.

“What happened with her?” You asked, and Jeonghan just scoffed.

“She cheated on me...Multiple times. It’s okay though, our relationship wasn’t serious.” Jeonghan explained, and you frowned while sipping on your beer.

“But you really liked her…” You argued, and he gave you a sad smile.

If only you knew, Jeonghan thought.

“It’s fine. Why was your day bad?” Jeonghan asked. You could tell he was tired by the way he blinked. Each time he closed his eyes it would take longer for them to open.

“Don’t worry about me, go to bed. I’ll sleep on the couch, okay?”

“Mmm.” Jeonghan murmured. With slumped shoulders, he trudged to his bedroom and closed his door. You sighed slightly, ignoring the pain in your chest. Why did your heart hurt so much? Did it hurt for Jeonghan?

That answer seemed simple enough, so you decided to agree with it. You then lied down on the couch with your hands under your head. You ignored the sudden anxiety that had bubbled in your stomach and closed your eyes wearily. You had so many things to worry about, like work, Jeonghan, bills, your apartment...Yet, you never seemed to worry about yourself. You could never, though. That’s because it would require actually reflecting on your past, and everything you’ve done. Or, haven’t done.

The weekend went by in a cloudy haze, but everything seemed to go by like that nowadays. You didn’t really feel alive anymore, and you don’t know exactly when this haziness seemed to start. Everything was numb, nothing caused you to feel. Things were automatic, you did everything without thinking. You wake up, go to work, go home, make dinner, and then go to bed. It’s a constant cycle of hell. The only time you’d feel remotely alive was when you’re with Jeonghan, but he’s got his own shit to deal with.

The thing that hurts the most is that you’re absolutely and utterly alone. You wake up with no one by your side. Your biggest fear is dying right now, at this age. What mark would you leave on the world? It would be a small, insignificant one. There’d be a memorial service at your work, and your family plus Jeonghan would miss you, but that would be it.

Were you destined to be a nobody?

You were young once. You were young and happy, not a care in the world. Well, that’s a lie, you cared about one thing.

Kim MIngyu.

Mingyu was a breath of fresh air. After having so much pressure put on you by your parents, you felt like you could finally breathe around the 6’2 boy. He always had that effect on people, he was just an energy-giver.

Your friendship never once faded, even after his countless amounts of girlfriends. You had a thing for him in early high school, but it turned into full-blown love senior year. You’d watch him walk around with his girlfriend, feeling nothing but pain in your heart.

You never took his earlier girlfriends seriously, because you thought he would realize one day that he was madly in love with you. And then, he would kiss you passionately and apologize for not coming to you sooner. Alas, that never happened.

Your feelings just got worse.

And when you both got into Seoul University, you watched him prance around with his new girlfriend, Ra Jieun. From then on, things went into the gutter.

And here you are now, without Mingyu. You’re well over him now, you’ve actually had your fair share of boyfriends these past few years. It was just the “what could have been?” aspect.

Sadly, you would never know.

You woke up to the sound of a shower being turned on. Light peeked through Jeonghan’s windows, and you groaned internally. At least it was a Saturday.

You grabbed your phone, checking the time. 9:22 AM. Didn’t you go to bed at 4 AM? This was fucking ridiculous.

This time, you actually groaned out loud when you got up, walking slowly to Jeonghan’s kitchen. You poured yourself some cereal with some gross skin milk. You ate it mindlessly, watching Jeonghan walk from his bathroom to his bedroom, with the most pained expression on his face. Poor guy, you thought, he’s probably so hungover right now.

The thing about Jeonghan’s apartment is that you could never possibly get bored. He has herds of video games, literally starting from as early as to when they were invented.

He also has every gaming console known to man. His spare bedroom was used as a gaming room, where he’d stream his new games from time to time. Jeonghan was a computer genius, and you were insanely jealous since you weren’t so tech savvy yourself.

Jeonghan finally came out of his room, fully dressed, with wet hair. Jeonghan had dyed light brown hair, with dark brown eyes and tall stature. He was slim yet muscular. You could never deny that your best friend was indeed extremely handsome.

You smiled when you saw his face, and he returned a pained grin back. “Have some cereal.” You suggested with a quiet tone, and he gave you a small smile.

You let him eat by himself, because you went into his gaming room to check out what new video games he has added to his collection.

After playing a few easy video games for a bit, Jeonghan came in and sat down on the black leather couch in the already dark room. The only source of light was the light emitting from the computer screen, and the window. He never turned on the overhead light in that room, for some reason.

“Whatchya doin’?” Jeonghan asked, and you shrugged.

“Just playing around.” You murmured, earning a nod from Jeonghan.

Soon, the two of you found yourselves in a video game match. Jeonghan had multiple computers in that room, so you both partook in an adventure of competition. Jeonghan beat you every single time, but it was kind of unfair since he was an actual video game designer.

You found yourself appreciating Jeonghan more and more as you got closer to him. You really were so lucky to have such a good friend like him, because nobody knows where you would be if Jeonghan wasn’t there to help you get over the boyfriends you had, your quarter-life crises, or your financial dilemmas. Jeonghan was your rock. You hoped he felt the same about you.

“Jeonghan,” You began, “we should do something. Like, go on a trip or something.” That earned an odd look from the man, and he furrowed his eyebrows curiously.

“That was random.” He said.

“Yeah, well, I don’t know. I just thought we should do something nice, since you’re like, my best friend.” You pouted, resulting in an adorable chuckle from the man next to you.

“Okay, sure. Where do you want to go?” Jeonghan asked. You merely shrugged your shoulders, your frown deepening.

“Let me come up with something. Give me some time.”

Jeonghan nodded.

You remembered the first time you felt feelings for Mingyu. As a kid, you were late to hit puberty. So, girls who were larger than you would steal your money and other possessions.

There was one time where you were walking home from school, and these three girls jumped you. It was around the eighth grade, so you were still a tiny little thing. No matter how much you kicked and screamed, they would not stop.

Suddenly, Mingyu came out of nowhere. Mingyu was the opposite of you, he bloomed very early. Therefore, he was a tall and confident man. You will never forget the look of anger in his eyes on that day. “HEY!” Mingyu screamed, running toward you.

The girls dropped everything they stole from you and then bolted, murmuring rushed apologies and words of regret. By then, you and Mingyu were already best friends.

“Thanks, Gyu.” You sighed, trying to swallow the lump in your throat. Your voice cracked when you tried to talk again, and soon you were breaking down in front of him.

You sat against the brick wall the girls bullied you by, hugging your knees to your chest. You just sobbed, and let yourself be held by Mingyu. “I’m so sick of this,” You hiccuped, “I’m so sick of being pushed around!”

“Hey, Y/N...You’ll always have me, alright?” Mingyu reassured, giving you a sad smile. You wiped the tears from your face and sniffled slightly.

“Alright.”

From the summer of eighth grade to ninth grade, you grew 5 inches and gained a few pounds, resulting in your chest and bosom to be much bigger than before. Needless to say, you attracted a lot of boys.

Alas, there was only one boy in your heart.

#seventeen angst #seventeen x reader angst #yoon jeonghan #jeonghan #kim mingyu #mingyu #jeonghan x reader #mingyu x reader #seventeen x reader #angst #fanfic #svt x reader #svt #seventeen #seventeen x reader smut #seventeen x reader fluff #intertwined

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pinwheelings · 5 years

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so... isobel’s dissociative episodes are likely not extraterrestrial in origin, but actually are brought on by trauma and her deep fear of abandonment (she should bond w alex!! they could talk about their abandonment issues!) like max originally thought, but the fact that she has time makes her vulnerable to a mind controlling alien. cool. and the guy who first tried to abduct isobel was likely being controlled by the alien, who finds its prey (or whatever) at the wild pony’s community/drifter night, which has been going on since our heroes were kids. but the Evil Alien only started killing (THAT WE KNOW OF) with rosa’s death so it was just like.. lying low for four years between trying abduct isobel and murdering rosa. i guess?

also, i loved the scenes but lmao like building a space ship console is one fraction of michael’s logistical problems. is he gonna attach it to his chevy, pick a direction and hope he gets past pluto in the next decade? is he gonna fly at LIGHT SPEED? is he gonna... build a wormhole (he’s definitely gonna build a wormhole lol).he doesn’t even know the general direction of his home planet, much less if it even still exists. i know they’ve talked before about their family dying on that ship, but they have no reason to think they were on some ill-fated intergalactic family roadtrip to shores of arcturus or whatever. it’s just as likely they were fleeing something and there’s no home to go back to. anyway it’s very sweet and very sad that michael holds onto that project as his security blanket because to think that his only home is on earth is too painful and hopeless for him.

also like alex flipped that michael was planning to leave the planet and was planning to drink away his sorrows but was still hopeful enough that maria picked up on it? what a love stricken idiot.

and i’m sad for maria. also i’m sad for alex. and i’m sad for michael. they are all so alone right now!! michael’s little bummed out face when maria to him he had to leave (also lmao at everyone throwing alex in michael’s face when he would like to JUST FORGET, PLEASE). i feel like they’re all trying their best and i’m bummed that this has created a fracture in alex and maria’s relationship. it seems like mimi served as a surrogate mom/safe space for both liz and alex and idk i hope they can move past it for real (no one is buying alex’s tight little okay lmao). i liked that alex like came to find liz to yell at her for being a bad friend and then he was at the bar asking about maria’s mom last episode. i want this human friendship to thrive and i feel like ummm we both have Feelings for an unwashed alien is not gonna help.

i was honestly a little unsure how to read the alex/maria scene. it didn’t seem like he was planning to confront her but once maria brought it up his defenses immediately went up and he lashed out? like he definitely could have... chosen different words lmao (”you already knew that didn’t you!!” like damn dude) even though he immediately acknowledges she couldn’t have known (i really wanted him to make a joke like “how could you have? it’s not like you’re psychi--oh wait” but whatever this show isn’t as funny as i am). idk and it’s like -- i guess the audience assumes that maria knows alex well and isn’t bothered by his lashing out, but you kind of have to make that leap?

we didn’t get much new plot this week, which was annoying. what’s up with the plotting on this show? very excited to see alex and magoo (i love him) to like hardy boys out to some old prison or whatever. LOVE A GOOD HAUNTED OLD PRISON.

i feel like liz & max and iz & noah are too happy right now with three episodes to go. bring on the angst.

#roswell new mexico #alex manes #michael guerin #isobel evans #roswell nm

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potionruneroarsfelton · 7 years

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Rhink Fanfiction

This is the first writing that I’m posting. Based on a prompt.

12-01-17 Closed eyes enveloped him in a crimson void. It was early February, the remnants of the winter chill surrendering to the oncoming season and vanishing slowly. But the mountaintop was covered in snow and the temperature in the cabin was less than comfortable. He could hear the ambiguous sounds of nature, pushed to the background by his overworked brain. Located deep within the forest, their cabin gave the illusion of living in the middle of nowhere, which was precisely what he had asked for. This project had a lot riding on it. He had assumed it would bloom productivity. Productivity. He gave an internal scoff. 2 days in the cabin had yielded nothing. Not a single arc in the story line, not a single supporting character, not even part of a song. Absolute squat. His creativity seemed to have hit a wall while his “partner” was constantly distracted by his disrupted routines and irregularities in the workplace. I was at least trying. All Link has done is arrange, rearrange, complain, rest, yell and complain some more. He was lying on his bed, dressed in nothing but his underwear, ignoring the goose bumps rising on his skin whenever a breeze blew too close, too cold. It was one of those days. There was nothing playful about the arguments they had been having, no hint of humour when insults were thrown. It was one of those days when the frustration wasn’t on his skin; it was deep within his bones. Anger and dissatisfaction weren’t pricking at his nerves, they had lit a fire in his gut, making his vision bright red. How many times do I have to go through this shit? In the 39 years that he had put up with life, he had felt like this a few times. When he and link were on the verge of breaking bones, when his family had almost become broke, when Jessie had considered breaking up, his mind had painted itself red. It had gotten worse every time and always left him with a nagging knowledge that someday, it might be unbearable. In his younger days, he had tried different ways to cope. The alcohol buzz was a downer and would pull his spirits even lower, not to mention the hangover. He couldn’t talk to link- he had already spat a lot of venom he would regret later. By isolating himself in the mountains, he had effectively cut off anyone else who could have helped. He recalled his college strategies- hooking up, getting violent, all that weed- which had made his life, and the throbbing in his head, a lot worse. Why am I still here? He opened his eyes, hoping to escape the scarlet haze of slowly boiling bitterness. He stared at the wooden beams on the ceiling, lying motionless under the weight of all his responsibilities. He felt paralysed under the people relying on him. He felt helpless against the barrage of thoughts flooding every crevice of his mind. He felt like he had perfect recall- he could almost hear the stinging, spiteful words from every fight he’d had with Link over the past 33 years. When he tried to shift his focus, he could see the cake splattered on the floor, shattered glasses of wine. He could feel the heat on his face from having screamed unthinkable things at Jessie, who looked at him with tear stained cheeks as she ripped her dress, if only to release some of her anger. That dress was red. Her lips were red. His eyes were red later that night, knowing that neither his wife nor he was going to forgive him for ruining her 30th birthday. Do I even know what I’m doing? What I’m living for? Was this all a mistake? The love of his life was taking care of his family for him while he voluntarily dragged himself away. A friendship that began with innocence, grew with care, toughened with brutal honesty was beginning to feel manufactured. The rawness with which he used to interact with Link had now become a carefully fashioned, partly scripted entertainment program. All of this to pander to an audience who were more interested in unearthing their insecurities and commenting on their looks than the content they created. The content he poured his heart into. The content that birthed most of the fights, awkwardness and accusations. The content that might cost him his best friend. Everything is nasty. He was becoming acutely aware of his body. It startled him how much he was repulsed by it. He is not an exhibitionist. The thought of millions of people staring at their screen, eyes unblinking, following his muscles when he was shirtless on the internet, made him feel nasty. A random comment echoed in his brain. “You aren’t entertainers. You target depressed teens with painted smiles and fake intimacy. You’re pimping yourself out to pander to lusty girls who are half your age. You may not be traditional sell outs but you’re a lot more dangerous”. Nasty.

Rhett closed his eyes. The troubles of the day had taken a deeper turn, becoming a darker, burgundy hue. Or maybe it was maroon. He always had trouble with those two shades.

The bedroom windows rattled as the wind picked up. He could hear the howling, from outside and within. He noticed the long shadows, barely discernible in the descending darkness. This negativity was flowing through his bloodstream, poisoning him as he just laid there, a passive onlooker. The passion in him to do something about this, to change what ate away at him had fizzled out. Just as he was about to succumb to the darkness and maybe catch some troubled sleep, the door creaked open. He didn’t bother to look- he could sense the scene unfolding in front of him with his eyes shut tight. He knew the man walking in. He had unwittingly memorized Link’s features because they had dominated his thoughts all his life. He had unabashedly grasped Link’s soul through his countless observations and all their conversations. He had irrevocably trusted Link, sometimes on instinct alone. He knew the man; he didn’t need to look. Is he gonna talk? Maybe the turmoil was dying down- he heard every soft footfall echo on the wooden floor with impressive clarity. Thud thud thud… In rhythm with his heartbeat. But he wasn’t in the mood to acknowledge it. Link walked right up to the bed and for a moment, everything was quiet. His thoughts vanished as his whole being tensed, waiting for the next blow to fall. “Turn over”. What? Annoyance flared in him. Why was he being ordered, and a peculiar one at that? When was this man-child going to learn to communicate, to behave the way that Rhett would prefer? He had half a mind to ignore him completely, but he didn’t have the grit to have another fight today. Wordlessly, he flipped onto his stomach, heartbeat slightly erratic, thoughts a relentless blur. I feel exposed. The first touch was a mild surprise. Soft, wide palms pressed into his shoulder. They moved an inch or so apart and pressed again. And again. He was self conscious about the knots, the tightened muscles and the very obvious stress in his upper body that was giving away his exact state of mind. The hands were warm, confident and familiar as they moved downwards, working on his upper back. The heels of Link’s palm dug into the spots which were predominantly affected by his frequent back pains, which Link had witnessed firsthand since they had begun. The balls of his thumb traced soothing patterns on his flesh. I don’t need you to take care of me. A part of his mind remained indignant, though his body was quickly surrendering to the serenity of the massage. It felt like his hands were physically removing the negativity from within him. It felt like Link was casting a spell to repair the wear and tear of simply existing. Most of all, it felt like love. This man had had a long day, maybe longer than Rhett’s. Yet here he was, battling through his exhaustion, knees on either side of Rhett’s waist, trying to make Rhett feel better. It was Link’s way of saying “I love you”, and “I’m sorry”. He turned around, abruptly stopping the massage, overcome with the urge to see Link’s face. Sad blue eyes were filled to the brim with everything he was feeling, easily understood by Rhett. He could see the same weight, frustration, anxiety and guilt that had plagued him just a few minutes before. Something he had said before flitted by, “things in our lives that are not just parallel but we experience them together”. Emotions surged through him as he realized exactly what that meant. What it means to have someone who not only understands but also lives through everything he feels. What it really means to not be alone. But in those naked, vulnerable eyes, he saw something far more disturbing. He saw fear. I wish I could take care of you. There was a lump in his throat. Suddenly, none of his doubts mattered. His past mistakes, their changing dynamic, constraints and disappointments and confusion just didn’t matter, because he knew why he was doing it. He had known when he had first decided to write a comic with Link in grade school. He had known when they had taken the blood oath. He had known when he had decided to quit his decent paying job to attempt a career in an industry that couldn’t even support itself at the time. He had known when they had put their earnings into this new project. He was following his heart and Link was the best man to do it with. Nothing else mattered. He looked calmly at the face that looked so troubled, the face of the man who always knew how to give Rhett a breath of air when he was threatening to drown in his personal red sea. His expression was gentle and his voice sweet when he said with full conviction, “We’ll be okay, bo”. And maybe he knew how to save Link too because he could have sworn, his eyes got a little bluer. We will be okay. I won’t have it any other way. Link plopped down on his stomach beside him, head turned to look at his face. “I know”, he said, in a tired but steady voice, and Rhett knew he meant it. He looked back, nothing but kindness on his face. His brain was moving on to Buddy System, making a mental note to start working on the script when he said, “I think I might be maroon-burgundy colour blind.” All he got in return was an exasperated smile and a “Goodnight Rhett.”

#rhink #fanfic #rhink fanfiction

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bidickgrayson · 7 years

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i’ve finally almost gotten to the place in persona 3 where i stopped playing a couple years ago. just got to october, and i stopped some time in november in my first playthrough

it’s interesting to revisit shinjiro’s death a couple years later, because that death was one of the few things i remembered with any kind of detail. i remember being very angry at the storyline that had a ten-year-old kid plot revenge for the death of his mother. couldn’t really understand that urge/the fact that that kind of storyline was coming from a TEN YEAR OLD

and i’m still not a fan, but i am a little less directly angry with ken. the first time, i wasn’t expecting it, and so i was just angry that ken got shinjiro into a situation where he was killed lol. i had a lot more sympathy for ken this time around, when i knew what was coming the whole time, and could remind myself more rationally that ken didn’t actually kill shinjiro

really where i disagree with the writing around shinjiro’s death the most is around the aftermath, primarily around akihiko’s reaction. first of all, BULLSHIT on the fact that akihiko was like “we need to stop treating ken like a kid” because HE IS A KID!!!! what are you talking about!!!! “he needs to make his own decisions” like OKAY i get that you want to respect his autonomy but....he was just a kid who plotted a revenge-murder of a high schooler who killed his mom in front of him, only to watch in horror as that high schooler THROWS HIMSELF IN FRONT OF A GUNSHOT TO SAVE THE KID’S LIFE and then died in front of the kid. there’s no acknowledgement of the trauma, because they’re trying to treat this precocious ten-year-old like he’s an adult, when frankly, no adult would go through that without some trauma!! it’s just dumb. and i can forgive the sees members for some of it, because this is a bunch of high schoolers dealing with some heavy shit with no good adult supervision (lol @ ikutsuki), and they’re all just kids themselves, so i can’t really blame them for not knowing the best way to handle it and stumbling through on their own

also, what makes it worse is that it was literally just revealed that ken was suicidal/wanted to die like, just a while before, and tbf none of the other sees members knew, but i knew as the audience, and so to have akihiko go like “well, he’s gonna do what he’s gonna do” was so jarring and distressing. GET THIS KID SOME HELP! but. whatever. and then ken of course decides to come back and has a new resolve, and it’s treated as though that’s the really strong thing to do and not a definitely unhealthy lack of concern for mental well-being. “i’m strong so i’m not going to let the multiple traumatic events/my suicidal ideations (as a ten-year-old!) distract me from our mission”

also, back to direct reactions to shinjiro’s death, and maybe this is more personal preference, but i really Cannot Relate at all to akihiko’s resolution in the face of it. i remember that disconnect was jarring to me when i first played it years ago too. because he’s sad, and then very quickly he’s not sad because “it’s what shinjiro would have wanted”. and i just can’t relate to how quick he came to terms with the death, because this was literally akihiko’s oldest friend. and when the other’s express sadness, he’s like, don’t be sad, it’s what shinjiro wanted. LIKE WTF it is still sad??? i just think a better balance between acceptance and grief could have been found, because i really feel like they jumped over the majority of the grief that i would expect from shinjiro’s oldest friend, which is very jarring. but. i mean, who knows, maybe that would be realistic to some. it feels like a shortcut to me tho. i like akihiko, but this particular instance really disconnected me from his character

i’ve heard that with the female protagonist in p3p, you can do a social link so shinjiro doesn’t end up dead. and i’m really curious how that plays out (/why the social link changes it). i just wanna be able to say “YOU’RE A HIGH SCHOOLER, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE YOUR DEATH IS THE BEST WAY THINGS CAN PLAY OUT ( :( )”

anyway, some other thoughts while i’m here:

my vague recollection of p3 having some social links with ppl who weren’t really good people was correct. or maybe i should say, weren’t people i really found sympathetic. like, the devil link with the shady businessman (which i still haven’t completed), or the magician link with the classmate kenji (he has called me SO MANY TIMES, and i have turned him down every time, because if there’s going to links i don’t complete, i am fine with one of them being his. i just.....am not interested in his quest to fuck his teacher, i don’t enjoy it. i know i completed his in my last playthrough, but i can’t remember how it resolves but....god i could not care less about kenji). then there’s the hermit link with the teacher online (she’s so annoying lol, and i hate that she tells protag that she has a crush on the irl him, like, fuck off. also, she’s such a bad/unsympathetic teacher, it made me really miss kawakami, who had flaws but was ultimately a good teacher imo). oh, then there’s the emperor link with hidetoshi on the student council who....lol, that’s another link i completed last time but have barely touched this time, because i really dislike him. i kinda remember him softening towards the end of the link, but so much of the first part is just about enabling him being a tyrannical class council member which is not fun. and i ultimately like the tower/monk link, but he’s another character who....doesn’t really seem like that nice of a person. but i do like him because he likes the protag

the other links for the most part are good. it’s interesting the differences between p5 and p3 social links, because p5 had a definite theme to all of the links (/the whole game lol) where they were all ultimately good people who were misunderstood/unfairly judged/treated somehow (altho i haven’t done the iwai link all the way through, i imagine it ends up similarly because he’s a somewhat decent person “doing evil to combat evil” iirc). but there’s no real theme for the p3 links as far as i can tell. which makes sense, because in p5 there is a specific reason to have links with them all because they end up helping you, and they all end up as accomplices to all of the crimes the thieves commit lol

i really dislike that you have to romance all of your female classmates in order to complete their social links. what is friendship lol. really really really makes it feel a whole lot cheaper, and really makes it hard for me to care. very glad they stopped making that a requirement in p3p and beyond

what also make it hard for me to care?? the blank and unemotional p3 protagonist lol. i really have a hard time connecting to him, because he doesn’t really do much?? he’s just a blank wall for all of the social links, and it really disconnects me from the emotions of it. some girl will be confessing her feelings to him, and i’m just like, hm, fascinating, who cares, he’s gonna go on a date with another girl tomorrow. it doesn’t feel real to me at all. maybe i’m just totally unfairly biased toward p5 (and i don’t want to compare endlessly, bc p5 is newer and clearly they’ve made many improvements over the years, but it’s the easiest comparison at hand), but when someone talked to joker about how much he meant to them, i bought into it a lot more than i do with mr. low energy, the p3 protag. joker felt like an actual character to me, that i could care about, who i could understand/imagine his feelings and reactions to things. but for the p3 protag, it’s a lot of, well, i GUESS he COULD care about shinjiro dying, but you sure as heck have to read a whole lot into it to get to that conclusion, because the strongest reaction you can make him have to it is to have him tell the callous students at the assembly to “shut up.” which is nice, but hardly anything at all lol. i just find him difficult to project my emotions onto him in the game, unlike joker, who i didn’t have as much trouble believing in his genuine feeling for the people he talked to. i think also, people reacted to joker in a much more specific way that made him more real than the p3 protag, who kind of feels like a ghost most times, except for his social links where he shows up just to say exactly what the other person wants to hear lol. idk, i’m looking forward to replaying p5 and paying more attention to joker this time

(my feelings on the p3 protag are gonna be interesting come end-game, because if i understand correctly from the vague spoilers i’ve gotten about p3, the protag is gonna sacrifice himself to save the world. i keep trying to remind myself/play with that in mind, because i don’t think someone would sacrifice himself if he was actually as unemotional and detached as he sometimes comes across as)

80% of my rage at this game comes from being unable to control my specific party members in battle and so they do things that i don’t want them to, 10% comes from enemy advantage attacks (especially when i swing at them, but they hit me first), 9% comes from this game challenging me/punishing me for being underleveled when i’m playing on easy and don’t want any challenge at all because i want to get past the silly fighting business and back to social links/story, and a special 1% goes to the sleeping table boss in tartarus, which definitely was a primary punisher for me being underleveled and caused me to yell angrily at my screen yesterday

oh, ikutsuki. it’s funny, because p3 was the first persona game i played, and very early on, i was like, i don’t trust ikutsuki at all, so when the reveal came that you should not, in fact, trust ikutsuki, i wasn’t at all surprised. but it’s funny to replay it, knowing that persona likes the “this guy is not what he seems” trope, and realize that...there wasn’t really a specific giveaway instance where ikutsuki said something that was off (a la pancakes, or adachi showing up to a private conversation with interesting timing), it was just a sort of feeling i got about this weird adult who was having these high schoolers be responsible for saving the world, apparently. he really is a terrible terrible advisor though, lol, even knowing he’s evil. it’s sad to realize that the only adult help these kids have got is someone who is absolutely not on their side, and they’re truly on their own

#talking to myself #katherine plays persona #this is so many run on sentences with my thoughts about p3 #also mentions of #suicide /#I'VE TURNED INTO A PERSONA BLOG RECENTLY sorry @ the 99% of my followers who aren't interested in that

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