#that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heartorbit · 3 days

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the star you've longed for

#PLEASE WATCH REVUE STARLIGHT!!!!!!💥💥💥💥💥#project sekai #revue starlight #pjsk #emu otori #nene kusanagi #emunene #prsk #proseka #yuri win. i make my fav pairing fight tothe death #HAPPY EMUNENE WEEK LOOOOOL #Can i be hinestni think this sucks it took way too long cause i forgot how to draw for a week #im seeing demons and stuff. i feel more normal now. Also you may recall emu has a big hammer for revstar #thats the bottom of it the gem thing all the weapons have hers is sharp #i remember seeing meta post abt how mahiru has a blunt weapon because she never actually aimed for the lead role #rather she only wanted to be by karen's side. so her weapon wasnt capable of cutting anything in the first place #Fastforward to the movie and well LOLLLLL #though i think its funny in the movie her mace is still mostly used for i timidation againstbhikari.. bc again shes not winning for a lead #revue starlight youre neat. maybe i like revstar.#<- has been insane for 4+ years #Needed their pose to be smth where nenes weapon isnt visible because I DONT KNOW WHAT WEAPON TO GIVE HER. OOMFS HELP. I NEED A NENE WEAPON.#i thought some sort of polearm/spear/halberd etc something with range but that can be ambitious #but i feel like smth with that much footwork needed doesnt suit her.. And she cant hsve a sniper i dont think thatwould fucking work #aruru gets pistols in the revue but aruru also is Ummm well shes uhhh. [screaming] [car crash]#throwing knives would be funny wouldnt it. Put that gamer aim to use #idk if the emunene week tag is on here but i'll donit anyways #emuneneweek2024 #i remembered to switch which account this pists to for the first time in like 3 pists. so you get to see all my tags this time #rather than accidentally posting it to the wrong account and having to dekete and repost andngoing IM NOT WRITING ALL THAT AGAIN.

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luck-of-the-drawings · 4 days

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"I think this is the most inhuman; and human, that I've ever felt.." MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN A YEAR. IN FIVE YEARS. A DECADE. imagine how much can happen in a century. just ONE (1). How will you grow? what phases do you find? even in 5 years, you will find patterns.

#jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi suckening #jrwi suckening spoilers #jrwi the suckening #arthur bennett #HEY SO THE REALLY FUNNY THING THAT THE CHARACTER DID THAT SEEMED RLY SILLY N GOOFY IN THE MOMENT?#LIKE THE WHIPLASH BETWEEN SERIOUS N SILLY ALMOST PISSED YOU OFF? WHAT IF I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE YOU SAD ABOUT IT #this was meant to be a scribble that would be a bigger part of a bigger page.might leave it on that page.#but still. bc o that i nearly posted it onto my wacky side blog.BUT NAYY I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME N ENERGY N YOU GOTTA SEE IT #ARTHUR BENNETT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE ITS ODD FOR HIM TO BE SO TECHNOLOGICALLY OUT OF TOUCH #WHERE HAS HE BEEN. HAS HE BEEN IN WAR? IS THAT WHERE MAGNUS CAME FROM? WHERE WAS HE WHEN HE WAS WITH EDWARDS CREW?#ARTHURRR I HAVE QUESTIONS ARTTHUUURR!! HEY CAN I ALSO ASK; WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BECOME #DO YOU THINK HE HAD ANY IDEA HE WOULD VEER CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE MONSTER HE DESPISES. ALL BC HE DESERVES IT. OR WATEVER #HE FASCINATES ME SO MUCH. TO LOOK AT THE STONE COLD STOIC FOOL FROM THE START OF THE SHOW #AND TO FIND OUT THAT HE USED TO BE A BAD BOY.. A DELINQUENT... A LIL PRANKSTER.... MY GODDD THATS ADORABLE #I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW MORE.... BUT I DOUBT THE LAST EPISODE IS GONNA ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS..i love arthur bennett so much....#AS FOR THE ART!! i mostly used the fire alpaca watercolor brush. tbh im not a brush guy. anti aliased default pen tends to be my main game #but LATELY IM SQQQUIRMIN OUT OF AN ARTBLOCK so expirimenting like this is helping #DONT LOOK TOO HARD AT IT!! im still proud tho. colors are fun :3 im also very proud of the backgrounds #I LOVE THE CARTOON THING where the background looks all fancy n painted but the characters are solid colors #what else can i ramble abt. OH YEAH. i looked up the bikes to make sure they were time accurate tehehehe. 1913 to 2012.#almost a century apart!! isnt that neat? ALSO FUUUCK CAN I JUST MAKE A QUICK CONFESSION. DOWN HERE IN MY TAGS.#only the strongest can read my tags anwyay. SO I REALIZED WHY I LOVE ARTHUR SO MUCH. TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE #while arthur is a Stoic and Cool vampire w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORs #THERE HAPPENS TO BE A ROBOT FROM A BAND W A TITANIUM ALLOY SPINAL COLLUMN #WHOS A Stoic and Cool ROBOT w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORS #the fuckkkiiinnngggnn The Spine from steam powered giraffe. WHATEVER. i cant escape from my heart. i guess.#i think The Spine and Arthur could be friends. Arthur saw the band perform back when they were the Steam Man Band #EDIT: WOOPS I DIDNT REALIZE THIS WOULD END UP IN THE SPG TAG. HI GUYS DIDNT KNOW U WERE STILL ALIVE SORREE 4 THE CROSS CONTAMINATION

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silhouettecrow · 2 months

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please please please please please

I can't be the only one who listened to the new episode of The Magnus Protocol and thought of this bitch:

#hello meet needles from fear and hunger 2 if you havent had the horror of meeting this guy before #literally the entire time the emergency service calls were playing i could only picture this guy talking #cos he IS needles like thats his name too and he functionally does the same thing (excluding the hugging/cuddling)#so i cant help but feel like todays ep was a bit of a reference or just a massive coincidence #either way i am unnerved #the magnus protocol #tmagp #fear and hunger #fear and hunger 2 #fear and hunger termina #needles tmagp #needles fear and hunger #clown #tw clowns #cw clowns #tmagp spoilers

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fleshdyke · 2 months

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#csa warning for tags #ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh #completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i #also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad #like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man #was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to #'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background #all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or #whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important #i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting #that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently #wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all.#and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head #like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have #to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it.#bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit #i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus #an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually #harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all #bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid.#and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is #but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core.#i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways #rambles #vent

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icewindandboringhorror · 5 days

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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

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magioffire · 1 year

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as much as i appreciate all depictions of trans masc people in art, this isnt some kind of put down like omg you gotta draw ALL your art like this but... its honestly quite nice to see some trans masc characters that have breasts and are completely fine with that. like i get that top surgery scars have just become the visual short hand for ‘trans man/,masc’ character but thats not the reality for every trans masc person, not all trans masc people experience top dysphoria all the time, or even at all, and i feel like if we normalized the idea of breast tissue on men it would help to lessen the social stigma of men with breasts, cis or trans. i just love to see trans masc characcters who still have their breasts because its a reflection of the sort of trans experiences and bodies i am familiar with

#like seeing yourself in media is unendingly important #people who get to see themselves in media on a regular basis may not understand but seeing a character that looks like you #and isnt just a 'hahah fat tranny' joke that is actually extremely good for your mental well being #and you know...its part of the reason why i opted to make vali look the way he does because you know how many people #have come up to me expressing gratitude that someone would ever write someone who looked remotely like them #and wasnt just the butt of some cruel joke #and that they didn't really consider that it was possible for a character of this type to be considered desirable by fandom culture at large #because lez be honest fandom spaces can be very "pretty f/ggots only pls uwu'#again this isnt to put down anyone who DOES draw most of their trans characters with top surgery scars like #thats still important too i get really happy when i see art that includes that because its like the artist and i #are shaking hands like same hat #but even more so when i see a person or an experience that better reflects my own #where i had never seen it before treated with any reverance or respect #i wanna include that same feeling for others in my writing since i cant draw lmfaooo #to me thats the importance of diversity. not a brownie sticker you get to absolve you of being 'called out'#but something you do because you want to express and experience a fuller breth of human experience. not just the most acceptable versions #and help others see themselves in the art they consume #anyway thank u for coming to my ted talk #ooc.#tbd.#i hope this makes a single lick of sense lmfaooo #its 3 am leave me alone #im easily amused and also starving for content that gives me a single smidgen of shared life experience between trans people #this is why if you wanna see yourself in something..U GOTTA MAKE IT YOURSELF and u end up surprised at how many others were #also unknowingly looking for the same thing #and are like hey. thanks for that. i needed that.#and im like same bro :')#and tbf top surgery scars in art MIGHT be that for some people and i love that for them #but for me its seeing beautiful men who dont have 100 percent flat chests because that is apart of the trans male experience too #fuck just the male experience in general

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r029 · 2 days

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I miss when things actually meant things.. Back in the day, relationships actually meant relationships. Love actually meant love. But now.. it's just what people classify things as things that are Ultimately useless and pointless. Getting to know people, actually meant getting to know people without any ulterior motives or at least not as much as now. Now everything's a game, of how to play people, who can manipulate better.. like what the fuvk? What is the fucking point anymore? Why even bother? It's all a waste of time.

#there is no point anymore. no one cares and no one tries. no one tries to actually be themselves. no on tries in putting in effort.#if someone does the bare minimum its groundbreaking. and thats fucking sad. things were supposed to evolve but it just disintegrated.#im not meant to be in this generation.#everyone is so close minded and brainwashed into thinking stupidity. no one thinks for themselves anymore.#everything is failing.#and i have to exist and watch it happen because its everywhere and you cant get away from it.#i wish i had an endless supply of drugs to ignore it.. but whats the point of that? because at the end of the day nothing changes.#and then once the drugs wear off.. it all hits me twenty times harder..#and its only way to not want to kill myself.. but theres no reason to be here and endure this shit.#my mother shouldve drowned me harder 😔#everything is curated to what you want to see. to what you want to believe. its all just fake.#i despise the promiscuous posts ive put out when i feel the complete opposite.. and yet im deluded enough to think why shit doesnt #doesnt work out for me? I think.. im so accustomed to not being believed and never taken seriously and felt as if i did that #its like my way of saying “youre right” but now im doing it and really making it a reality that can no longer be taken back.#whats done is done. whats happened has happened. and now i cant seem to care about much of anything anymore..#all because the people who were supposed to help.. didn't. the Teachers. the Principals. the Doctors. the Therapists. the Psychiatrists.#the Attorneys. the Judges. “Child Protective Services” and so many more. just didn't fucking care or try. until it was already too late #and the damage had been done.#im so fucking tired..

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bangcakes · 5 months

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#im sorry but if he really was waiting for me yesterday im gonna have a whole meltdown like oh my GOD??????#like THATS???????????????#n like... ugh that fuckin asshole that said something to him OHHHHHHH !!!!! UGH.#like....... god. ...... .. theres no other explanation. like usually he leaves right away ok. well until he started waiting for me NDNNDMDM #but to do that after an exam... when he like.... just wants to get out of there n study for the next one....#o bro i cant handle this. thats so sweet wtf..... like....... HHHHHHHHHHH GOD.#this Has to be going somewhere like i cant be imagining this. i cant be #n not only would he have wanted to get outta there bc of having to study.... he also literally doesnt like talking to anyone except me n #one of my other friends JDNDMDMDMMDMDMSM #and like he would have been waiting awhile bc like over 20 mins went by between him leaving n my other friend leaving... and then after tha #god im so sad...... i wish that JERK hadnt said anything to him. i bet he would have stayed 😭😭😭😭😭#hhhhhhhhhhh........#n e way NDNNDNDNDMDMMD. im gonna see this until the end.... like lmao theres Something here i can tell......#and like okay even if we just end up friends... like ok maybe i'll be crushed but JDJJDJDJDJDJFJ hes so cute. i wanna keep him forever.....#n like god. hes even cute in a grumpy way which... god thats my weakness forever im just 🥺🥺🥺#its just !!!! hes so honest !!! like always says what hes feeling n then once he says it hes over it. like idk hes perfect to me JZJJZJZJZJ #GOD. im so obsessed. help #and like GOD. i really keep coming back to this post and adding more im JUST.....#his eyes are so kind. like i cant even explain this. i just ... god hes so cute.....#personal

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agayconcept · 12 days

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#im in so much fuckin pain i cant move ugh #like. typing this is excruciating #but i cant just stare at the wall or im gonna lose it eventually ugh #my pain is getring progressively worse these days and the last 2 months have been hell #doctors r worried this might be my new normal for the time being #which. uh #SUCKS #bc i cannot stand or walk for more than 5 mins #and i need a walker w me bc my cane isnt enough #and most days i am trapped in bed (or on the couch if i can make it there) unable to take care of myself #bc everything hurts and i feel like i'm being tortured #oh and my lordosis & the related pain is now at a level that might need serious medical intervention #my migraines r out of control #my joint problems r also way worse #and u kno what ? i would like to die now #thanks #truly and genuinely #im so done #i cant keep going this way #my doctor has no idea what to do #and the pain clinic im a patient of refuses to help further unless i sign up for their ridiculous pain education program #which is 8 weeks long with mandatory in-person weekly attendance (i do not live near it & cant afford transportation)#where they tell u all the ways ur pain is ur own fault and give u unrealistic and ridiculous advice abt exercise and lifestyle changes #that u Cannot do bc of said disabilites and pain #jfc #our healthcare system is broken and nobody cares if i live or die or suffer #AND im stuck dealing w my mother complaining abt my existence nonstop bc she resents me for the things i cannot do independently #so u kno what ya i am done. im so done. i give up #catch me rotting in this bed forever until i die. thats the only option being given to me

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voigtvir · 6 months

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and if i say this moment where tav gets shocked from the sigil gale is stuck in is cal and gales first romantic moment am i being too deranged

#its just like.ok #so cal has No magic. at all #i know that in dnd #only like. sorcerers have Inherit magic #wizards like gale. get their magic from Studying #but cal has tried #hes done the littlest baby steps one can #and nothing <3 #it is not something he will ever be able to wield #i dont have lore reasoning for this idk how this would work in dnd lore just #hear me out he cant wield magic thats it #he is among the many bg3 characters who feels abandoned by gods and the way magic has touched his entire family #(bard mother and sibling. druid father.)#does not Help that feeling #so the weave scene? fucking incredible #and while gale may claim the comfort of the weave #is from mystra #in cals mind. thats all gale baby #its Gale who gave him this gift. no god.#anyways this shock is the first twinge of magic exchanged between them so. so its #ok

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rosykims · 5 months

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excited to start da2 for anders :) remembering the timeline inconsistencies :(

#god. da2 would be such a fucking good game if it was good :(#THE WAY HE MUSTVE LEFT **THE DAY** OF THE JUSTICE MERGER #in order to get to kirkwall like. 2 weeks after amaranthine #THATS THE ONLY WAY IT MAKES SENSE. FFS.#oc: elspeth #tay plays dao #altho in saying that i am obsessed with a very tense/suspicious goodbye #immediatly after the merger (which i hc happens like. in the deep roads after the final battle or whatever lmao)#wherein elles immediately notices smth is up #and its not like the wynne situation. like she has a Bad feeling abt this and like she's lost both anders AND justice as she knew them #and yet more guilt for letting it happen <3 #and then she catches anders sneaking away and shes like im not going to stop u but if u leave then the wardens wont be cant help you #i wont be able to help you anymore :/#anyway she puts out feelers anyway bc she cares about him and she doesnt want him to get himself hurt but #yeah. i dont think she'd be happy about any of it :(

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caffeinatedopossum · 1 year

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Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.