#and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kuroosdarling · 8 months

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WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR — ༉‧₊˚.

ft. roomie!mattsun !

꒰ SYNOPSIS ꒱ : working at a funeral home can take its toll. aka mattsun comes home after a bad day at work.

꒰ CONTENTS ꒱ : hurt/comfort, pining, cigarette smoking, mentions of death, mattsun has the beginnings of an existential crisis : WC — 1.7k

꒰ NOTES ꒱ : i wanted to take a closer look at mattsun & readers relationship. it was going to be more suggestive but i wanted to show a diff side of their relationship :3 enjoy !!

reblogs and interactions are always appreciated ! (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)♡*.ﾟ

it was one of those days that felt too quiet. living with mattsun and makki ensured living a life that was always full of laughter, full of life. but there were certain days where it felt like the earth stood still.

days when mattsun would come home from work, the light shifted from his eyes as he was off in a far off space that neither you nor makki could pull him from. one where he would slip through the halls, directly to the balcony, and with a shaky hand — he’d light his cigarette.

he loved his job, he always told you guys that. but you also knew that some days took a toll. one where he had to remove himself from reality a bit just to cope with whatever horror he had to deal with. because when you’re dealing with the dead, it’s hard not to let it seep into your soul.

“think he’ll be okay?” you ask makki. the two of you seated on the couch with some show playing in the background. but your conjoined attention was on him, even though you tried your best not to make it obvious.

“he always pulls through.” he nods. but you can tell in his eyes he’s just as worried. usually makki could crack a joke or two and bring a smile back out on his face, but when he tried today, he was met with a blank stare. “maybe you’ll have better luck breaking through to him.”

“huh? why?” you ask, pivoting your body towards him. “you already tried and it didn’t work. what makes you think i’d have better luck?”

“well, for starters, you are fucking him.” he said nonchalantly. the heat rose to your face as you reached for the nearest pillow, throwing it at his face. he easily dodged it as it flew past, hitting the blinds and ultimately, the glass door to the balcony mattsun was still standing on.

you gulp as mattsun turns to look at the commotion inside, his attention now fully on you instead of wherever distant place it was before. you offer him a small smile before he turns back around, taking another drag of his cigarette.

“i cant believe you said that.” you hissed out at makki who could only laugh.

“oh, was it supposed to be a secret? you guys are not very subtle then.” he giggled before he peeked outside again. “but now you’ve done it, so why don’t you go out there?”

“you really think he’ll want to talk to me?” your voice was small, insecurity closing around your throat. makki offered you a genuine look, one that told you more than words ever could.

“yeah. i really do.”

with that, you make your way outside while makki retreats into his bedroom. you open the door and you’re met with a gust of wind that has you stumbling outside.

“watch your step.” mattsun muttered before sticking the cigarette back in his mouth. it was clear he was frustrated, the wind constantly blowing out his cigarette certainly didn’t help either.

he goes to light it again, the lighter stubbornly refusing to work. he let out a loud groan, throwing the cigarette beside him on the ground before pocketing the lighter. you almost wince.

“issei-“ you coo, getting closer.

“what?” his voice wasn’t harsh but it wasn’t his usual laid back tone either. everything in you wanted to rush back inside and hide out in your room.

“you wanna talk about it?” you ask softly, standing next to him as you both look out at the city. he glances at you quickly before looking back out there.

“not really.”

“okay.” you nod, still not moving. after a few moments of silence, you feel mattsun shift, his forehead crashing down against your shoulder as he leans against you for support. you almost jump at the sudden contact.

“it was just a bad day.” he sighed, his breath tickling your skin. “a long week, really. it felt more busier than usual. so many families to talk to, so many things to do to prepare the bodies, i’m just exhausted.”

and you could hear it in his voice. his earlier clipped tongue melted into something softer and syrupy sweet. one that tugged at your heart.

“i’m sorry ‘sei, that sounds like a lot.” you keep your voice light as you pivot your body around to hold onto him better. you could tell he’s been holding this in for far too long.

“that’s not all.” his chin rested on your shoulder now and you knew he was looking far off again. “something else happened today when they brought a new body in that pushed me over the edge.”

“what was it?” for a moment, he didn’t answer, trying to summon up the words he desperately wanted to say. you could tell he was twisting them around in his mouth before he spewed it all out in one breath.

“they couldn’t identify the body for awhile. they kept saying it was a jane doe coming in. and then she came in, all covered up and her hair—“ he swallowed thickly. “looked just like yours.”

“oh.” was all you could say before he kept going.

“i thought-“ his arms tightly wound around you. “i don’t really know what i thought. i knew it wasn’t you, but there was just a voice that kept saying, what if? and i freaked out. i could barely do it.”

“hey, it’s okay.” you rub his back soothingly, letting him fall apart a little bit. you squeeze him back so tightly to try and mend him back together. and part of you almost believes it works. “i’m okay, you’re okay.”

“days like these i hate my job because it just puts too much in perspective. i try not to have a negative outlook on life but it’s hard when all i see everyday is how it ends.” he sighs as your fingers find his hair, smoothing through the small, tangled waves that have taken refugee.

“what’s that one quote? it’s not the destination, it’s the journey?” your voice as a light lilt to it that has him letting out an amused scoff. “i’m sorry you had a rough week, issei. your job is a heavy one and i know it’s hard to remain optimistic. but it’s a hell of a reminder that you’re alive right now and you can make the best of it. we’ll make every day count, even if it’s something as simple as eating our favorite foods. okay? you’re not alone.”

he lets out a soft hum in response and everything’s quiet for a moment. even the wind simmers down into a softer breeze while issei finds sanctuary in your arms. it’s a rare sight seeing him like this — one that never failed to tear at your heartstrings, clipping them one by one until it relents and falls right into his hands.

“thank you.” he sighs out, straightening up and loosening his hold on you. it’s sickening how much you already miss the closeness, and it only grows worse as he steps back and out of reach. “i needed that.”

“anytime.” you bite back the ‘that’s what friends are for’ line you’d normally use because you’re pretty sure you’ve crossed that line. plus that could potentially start a whole new conversation that you weren’t ready to open just yet.

issei takes out a fresh cigarette and successfully lights it this time, a look of brief satisfaction taking over his features. you almost want to remind him that there’s a better use for his oral fixation but decide against it as you watch him inhale.

there was still something swirling around in the air, mixing itself within the smoke before drifting away from your grasp. no matter how hard you fought to hold onto it, it wasn’t yours to take. the question sits on your tongue, marinating with your thoughts as it takes you further and further away from him.

“so, what’s up with you?” issei’s voice breaks the silence, shattering the glass wall you were desperately trying to build a second ago.

“what do you mean?” you tilt you head, hoping to feign innocence long enough for him to drop the loaded question and move on.

“it’s just—“ he looks at you, studying you for a moment with his slightly narrowing eyes as if he was trying to peer into your very soul, piercing through your skin so he can see what truly lies under it. “you seem unsure lately.”

“what would i have to be unsure about?” you breath out so quickly all the words melt together.

“you tell me.” those three words sent your mind reeling. leave it to him to stir up all your thoughts, all the ones you tried hiding between the lines.

“its nothing.” you sigh. “i was just worried about you this week, that’s all.”

“that’s all?”

“yep.” you brace yourself to look back at him and almost wish you didn’t. a chill that had nothing to do with the wind ran down your back, almost nudging you closer to him. but you steel yourself, holding his gaze. “that’s all.”

“okay then.” he sighs, turning around so he’s facing the glass door to your apartment. “let’s just order take out and hang out then.”

the invitation was so simple. something that felt practiced, routine. every cell in your body was ready to agree to it without a second thought but something stopped you. how deep were you willing to go for him without a promise of more? and why did it seem like the length was endless, you’d free fall even if he wasn’t there to catch you. and the thought scared you to your core.

something had to be done though, you couldn’t keep trying to tread this riptide. maybe if you took some space from him, tried going on a date with someone else…

you shake the thought from your head. regardless of what should be done, it wasn’t the time right now. mattsun was standing in between the glass door waiting for you with a foot on either side. the small smile growing on his face filled you with so much warmth, dousing another level of confusion to your swamped mind.

“yeah.” you nod, making your way to the door. “better tell makki though, i have a hunch he’s been feeling left out lately.”

taglist : @otoyastoy @deliqwuette @seisitive @zorosdimples @petriquors @misfit-megumi @the-tenth-shadow @bokutone @justsomeoneyoudontknow @sleepysnorlaxsblog @sugurini @himboos

#⁺. ʚ now streaming:#ᥫ᭡. — and they were roommates #matsukawa issei #matsukawa issei x reader #matsukawa x reader #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader

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seungified · 6 months

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let the light in ౨ৎ lee heeseung + fem reader genre best friends to lovers wc 1.02k warnings kissing , mention of food.

heeseung drove up to your house at exactly 7:30 pm, smile plastered on his face as he honked the horn. his smile somehow grew even bigger as he watched you stumble out of your house and into the passenger seat of his car.

“in a rush?” he giggles as he hands you the coffee he bought for you. you roll your eyes and take the coffee.

“shut the hell up, i hate you,” you take a sip of the coffee, it was your exact order, of course heeseung would remember.

“you love me.” heeseung smiles as he pulls out of your driveway, reminding you of the internal conflict that you were facing. heeseung was absolutely right, you do love him, but will you ever admit to it? hell no.

when you had problems, heeseung was the first person you’d run to ever since becoming friends with him back in 9th grade, but you couldn’t ever bring this one up to him.

it was right after you left for college that you realized your feelings for heeseung. you were sitting with your roommate, minjeong in a starbucks and you somehow got onto the topic of high school friends.

“i had a few close friends,” you say, taking a sip of your coffee. “but i was probably closest with my friend heeseung.”

“you talk about him a lot,” the other girl says, giggling and raising her brows. “you sure he’s just a friend?”

“what?” you say furrowing your brows. “me and hee are just friends.” you laugh.

minjeong keeps talking about her high school friends, but you aren’t really listening. you keep thinking about what she said, replaying your memories with heeseung. all those times those old people mistook him as your boyfriend, all the times you’d be upset when he would mention another girl, the way heeseung made you feel was never just friendly.

a week later you laid awake in your bed, still thinking about your new realization.

“minjeong,” you whisper. “are you up?”

“yeah, i cant sleep.” she says, rolling over to look at you.

“i think i’m in love with heeseung.” minjeong just smiles and turns back over.

“i fucking knew it.”

you giggle at the memory. minjeong is still your roommate back at your university and reminds you to confess your feelings almost every single time you mention visiting your hometown.

“what’s so funny?” heeseung asks, snapping you back into reality.

“nothing, i was just thinking about my roommate.” you say, finishing off your cup of coffee.

“i always miss you so much when you leave.” heeseung says, catching you slightly off guard, heat rises too your face.

“i-i miss you too.” you stutter out, smiling nervously.

“i kinda hate that you go to collage so far away, i miss sneaking over to your house at night.” heeseung says, you start laughing. “what? i miss our movie nights!” you both are laughing now.

“well then why don’t we do a movie night tonight? just like when we were in high school?” you suggest, heeseungs face lights up.

after driving around for a little over twenty minutes, you stop at a convenience store for snacks and then head to heeseungs place.

you walk into the apartment that you had become pretty familiar with all the times you’ve visited in the past year. you loved heeseungs apartment because it’s always so comfortable and warm when it starts to get cold. you flop on the couch in the spacious living room.

“hee, i missed your couch so much! it’s so comfortable.” heeseung smiles and sits next to you on the couch, putting his arm around you, your cheeks flush pink. you guys eventually decide on watching train to busan, getting comfortable beside each other.

in the middle of the movie you start to get tired. “hee, can i lay on your lap?” you nervously ask, looking at him.

“yeah of course, get comfortable.” heeseung says, lightly pushing your shoulder into him a little more, you lay down on his lap. soon enough, heeseung’s hands are playing with your hair, and you fall asleep.

when you wake up, heeseung is smiling down at you. “hey sleepyhead,” he says, you groan in response. “i wanna show you something, get up.”

you both get up and heeseung leads you out of his apartment and eventually out onto the roof. he takes you to the edge and tells you to look out. off into the distance, you can see the now small lights of seoul from heeseung’s apartment.

“wow hee, this is beautiful.” you smile. your mind screams at you, tonight is the night!! tell him!!

“everytime i miss you a little too much, i just come up here and look at seoul to try and remind myself that you aren’t that far away.” your mind can’t take this anymore, you turn to heeseung,

“hee, i really need to tell you something.” you say, the wind blowing your hair perfectly and the light of the moon shining on you making you look dreamlike to heeseung.

“me too honestly.”

“you can go first.” you say, smiling.

“y/n… you’re my best friend,” you nod. “but i cant help but feel like we both want to be more than best friends.” you don’t know what to say, is heeseung saying he feels the same? “what i’m trying to say is that i am in love with you y/n, and i have been since the day we met in 9th grade.” you can’t help the tears that flow from your eyes as you take in what he told you. “it’s ok if you don’t-”

you quickly cut him off by pulling him in for a kiss, a kiss you didn’t even know you’ve been waiting for 8 years. you smile as you pull away from him.

“i’m in love with you too heeseung.” you both smile and heeseung pulls you into a tight hug.

“i’m so glad you feel the same,” he says. “you trying to watch another movie?”

“always.”

#⋆ hee ( ๑ ˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و ♡#xo eva ˙ᵕ˙#i need best friend hee NEOWWWWW #first work kinda nervous #enhypen drabbles #enhypen #enhypen fic #enhypen imagines #enha x reader #enha fluff #enha heeseung #heeseung #heeseung drabbles #heeseung imagines #heeseung fluff #heeseung fic #heeseung x reader #heeseung x you #divider by v6que

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cmkren · 1 year

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Light ‘Em Up, Buttercup.

Chishiya Shuntaro x Gn! Reader;

Chishiya always gave you little DIY trinkets, though you were perplexed, you accepted them. Cherished them. Today, you seemed upset. It also happened that today, he finally wanted to tell you how he felt. How he could feel a storm brewing amongst this false paradise that was The Beach, and how he wanted to tell you before he could lose you to this place and its madness. Tell you that he, Chishiya Shuntaro, loved you with all his being.

a/n; no warnings really needed! Some fluff (chishiya’s a real lover boy in this one), awkward chishiya cause that man has no rizz you cant tell me otherwise,,, oh n’ niragi’s mentioned a little, a lil cheesy but bare w me 💔

The first time he gifted you something, it was just about a month into knowing Chishiya. He hadn’t known it then, but about then was where the sparks of a flame were slowly being ignited. A flame that he couldn’t put out, as much as he tried to force it down his stomach.

As much as he tried to smother it with the lid of reality— that this utopia they lived in was nothing but a farce.

All of the Beach’s residents never seemed to realize it, well except for a handful. Most were the executives though, or people Chishiya spoke to directly. Like Kuina. But you, you were one of the exceptions. That’s what he found refreshing about you, someone who didn’t run from reality— as crude as it was. That was what he liked about you.

It was why he liked you.

The first thing he’d given to you was a shiv, a crudely crafted blade that had its own little sheath he, too, created. His background gave him steady hands, it was no hassle to sew together some scrap pieces of leather together to create a hold for the pocket-sized weapon. Sure it wasn’t the best weapon in terms of effectiveness, but he had hoped that someday it would come in handy.

To say that he had a part in your survival, it gave him a sense of security and comfortability. Along with a smidgen of pride.

The idea to give you a shiv had popped into his head when he saw the way Niragi looked at you. He’d just been strolling by, but he saw the way his brow raised in interest, the slight purse of his lips that quirked up into a bit of a smile. No matter what had crossed through his mind at that moment, Chishiya didn’t care.

The fact that you caught Niragi’s eye was all that he needed to feel the frown creep up on his face. Of course, before anyone could give anything a second thought he managed to distract him and his prying eyes.

But both of them weren’t dumb.

Something had happened just there. Something neither men could wrap their heads around— mainly Chishiya. Niragi now knew you were of some importance to the smug bastard, and Chishiya couldn’t figure out why he cared. Him, who only ever cared about himself, doing something out of his way to help someone out. Even though he probably just worsened the chance of guaranteed safety for you.

The day right after that, Chishiya approached you with the same nonchalance he did daily. But today, he pulled something out of his pocket that surprised you.

“For you. Protect yourself, don’t be careless and die here. It’d be a rather pathetic death, dying out here than in a game that was purposefully designed to kill you.” For many, being spoken to like that would probably be off-putting. Maybe a little bit offensive. But you had just let out an airy chuckle, your uncertainty showing through your laugh.

“How charming.” Was what you said, taking the unknown object into the palm of your hand.

Seeing as you seemed a little confused, he piped up again, looking down at the sheathed shiv then at you, “it fits in your pocket— it’s a makeshift blade. I made it. Don’t say I never did anything for you—”

“Thank you.”

He stared at you for a moment, seeing the small smile on your face. It was one that found some amusement in this display of… well, he wasn’t sure what it was. All he knew was that, with the way you looked at him, he felt this fluttering in his stomach. Perhaps he ate something wrong not too long ago.

That must have been… weeks ago now. Every week he came up with something new to gift you. Not all of them were shabby trinkets he created himself, like for example once he gave you a lighter. Where he gets these things, no one knows. But him, of course.

Though as weeks dwindled and passed by, he knew it was only a matter of time before shit hit the fan.

He already had his plan mapped out, the only person he trusted to work in this was Kuina. Why not you? Because for the slightest chance they might fuck up, he didn’t want you caught in the crossfire.

After a hectic day, he found his way to you. Ever since he figured out how to make bombs, he thought, why can’t he make something with the same technology to make you happy? Or at least, to provide a show. He even figured out a way to get them coloured. Of course, he didn’t have enough materials or knowledge to go beyond that but he thought he refined his craft pretty well.

So when he tried to find you, and you weren’t in your usual spots, he felt a pit forming in his stomach.

He didn’t dare call out your name, only searching for you in quiet. Had you finally been taken? Or… did you not come back from a game? Was this Niragi’s doing? Who would be out to get you?—

“Chishiya.”

His head whipped around, pieces of hair briefly flying into his face. He staggered a little, just a bit out of breath from his frantic searching. Right. Here on the roof top, a place he had personally introduced you to. A place where no one knew you could go.

In an attempt to regain his composure, he let out a little cough. “You— why are you up here?” He spoke out, brows furrowing just a little at his own words that sounded a little colder than he meant them to be.

An amused scoff left you, as you approached him, the moonlight and dim lights of the rooftop being the only light source, “I needed the fresh air.” You breathed out, a somber look on your face. At the moment, he figured it out. You must know it too, a mutual understanding you both have.

How this place had reached its due date.

He’d never been the one for distractions. To wallow in your own self pity and pretending that something wasn’t there when it clearly was. But for you, he’d indulge just a little.

“I kept up with my weekly quota, as promised,” a promise he created himself. Out of his pockets, each of his hands pulled out two dynamite looking sticks. Thin enough to be sandwiched between his fingers. “Fireworks, impressive, right?” He spoke with just a bit of smugness to his tone. That wasn’t really a question he needed answering to. Either way, whatever your answer would’ve been it didn’t matter.

The way your eyes lit up as you let out an audible gasp, already fiddling with your pockets for (presumably) your lighter was enough of an answer for him.

“You’re amazing! I mean— first the bombs and now fireworks? What can’t you do? Oh my god, you should totally make me a little robot thing—” as you blabbered, he already made his way to place the fireworks a good distance away from where they’d plan to sit and watch. A little bit of a smile on his face.

When everything got set up, he gestured towards the fireworks. “What are you waiting for? Don’t tell me you’re scare—”

Tsssssss.

A boisterous laugh escaped you as you immediately grabbed him by his arm, having gone out of the way to light them up as he was in the middle of taunting you.

What did this remind him of?

This reminded him of those cheesy romance dramas, the moment where the main characters confessed their love under the fireworks. While he never understood that, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. The happy look in your eye, the way you held his arm, how you reminded him of him just a little but be on an entirely different plane from him as well.

As the first firework set off, he saw how your turned around and he could see the bright light cascade over the glimmer of your eyes. How the light in your eyes shone brighter than any firework he could manufacture.

At that moment, for the first time in his time being in this twisted land, he didn’t think. “I love you.” He whispered out, not even paying attention to the light show as he watched how your expression shifted. How your eyes met his in that moment, the way your expression went from amazement to surprise.

Maybe it was too quick to say something like that. But in this lawless land, what did he gain from holding onto every little thing he wanted to say and do?

Over the loud booming of the fireworks, he tried to speak as much as he could. Saying that he wasn’t entirely sure what he was feeling, or how it even happened, but all he knew was that he fell. Hard. And that he wanted nothing but to see you alive— protect you even though deep down, he knew you were capable on your own.

You couldn’t even hear him. How were you supposed to, with those fireworks? But he still kept speaking. With tears in your eyes, you could only let out a choked laugh as you cupped his face with your hands and pulled him into a kiss.

“Oh shut up, just for once.” You laughed, briefly separating to only pull him back in again.

He could only think about how soft you felt against him, your warm hands creating this sorts of contrast against his cold skin. Was this really love? He didn’t know. But one thing he did know for certain, as he finally planted his hands on your hips;

like those fireworks, you lit up his night sky.

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bylrlvr · 2 years

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a little rant i guess.

i. hate. stranger things reddit. i think we’ve all established that, but i just have to say. i saw a post with a bunch of people agreeing on that will might have “misinterpreted that he’s gay” and thinks he’s in love with mike, when in reality he’s just “a confused innocent kid, and therefore can’t be gay” what the fuck. explain to me why he can only be one option: either an innocent kid or gay? are you implying that queer kids can’t be innocent? do you know how many times i have heard someone say that i’m confused and in a phase for the feelings i have?

some of them say, “why do you guys want will to be gay anyway? what’s the harm in just making him simply straight?” and they go on to defend their half-assed logic. okay, then why do you want will to be straight anyway? what’s the harm in making him gay? the difference is, people - queer people - care about will being gay and to get that confirmation on screen because that matters to us. representation matters. it matters to us that we see this representation on a good-hearted main character whose trauma and issues we relate to and resonate with as queer people.

a bit more personal story: living in a very homophobic asian country and household while being a queer kid myself, i find so much comfort in will’s character and long to see on screen that a my beloved character of mine is… just like me. he’s just like me, and he builds up the courage to come out, the other characters accept and love him, he still gets a happy ending. it would make me feel like i can have that happy ending some day too. i know there are so many queer kids and adults out there who know damn well how this feels.

people in my life and some of my friends say that they don’t want will to be gay and they give a mildly homophobic excuse to why they think that. i’m scared of them, so now i never bring up this topic ever and just avoid talking about queer topics in general because i’m scared of how they would respond to it. with my parents, it’s 50 times worse. then there are people on the internet doing the same thing. i tell myself: that’s just how they think, this isn’t a big deal, it doesn’t matter. except it does. i know these people’s opinions don’t change if will is actually gay or not, and i know for a fact that he is and will be addressed in the show. but i guess i’m just tired and hurt to have to defend why i want will to be able to have this arc, and why i feel the way i feel. i’m sick of people invalidating why i want this so badly. i don’t want to have to defend this. and this isn’t with just will, it’s with every other queer / queer-coded character.

there’s this excuse: not wanting a character to be gay, doesn’t make me homophobic. well, i don’t know about you, but when you can’t even accept the mere possibility that a character might be gay, even with the overwhelming amount of queer-coding and evidence proving otherwise, you should think to yourself: why is that? why cant you just let it happen? why cant you just let us have this?

#byler #stranger things #will byers #lgbt #gay

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mouthsfullofsharpteeth · 11 months

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tim disenfecting alex's injuries, gentle in a way hes never been with him even after sex. alex still seems out of it, as though hes as shocked as tim is that tim killed for him. to save him. but despite the way his injuries sting and burn he leans into it, eyes fluttering shut. and tim feels his heart in his throat as he watches alex lean into this pain, only because its tim inflicting it. because its a pain he recognizes, that he trusts. and tim wonders if theres something more to that, the way alex accepts pain, YEARNS for it when tim offers it. and tim cant help but raise a hand to cup alex's face and gently brush a thumb over his cheek. he hates the way that THIS is what startled alex back into reality. hates the way alex freezes like this must be some kind of trick, or a trap. looks at him like a cornered animal that isnt sure if its in danger. but he holds his gaze. "im sorry" would probably mean nothing at this point, because alex would most likely refuse to believe that. so tim whispers instead "you're safe". and maybe it isnt the truth because with the operator on their tail its hard to call this motel room safe. but its not about that, and they both know it. its tim admitting that alex's life has value to him. that his safety is important. that maybe there is something here worth salvaging from the wreckage of their lives. and alex relaxes into tims hand. leans into the comfort instead of the pain for once. lets tim pull him gently closer, closer than theyve ever been without either fighting or fucking. alex is sure that he must have died and somehow tricked his way into heaven, but the comforting beat of tim's heart and the warmth of his hand tells him its real.

seriously man whatre u doin to me this is hurtin my heart here

YOURE TELLIN ME. i was like on the edge of my seat checking tumblr for this ask HGKJKGHG

theyre just so. augh. i love them. they are such a special kind of fucked up and i love it so much

#asks #timlex #would add more to this but my writer brain says thats a perfect end scene #but im still brainrotting it more #just like #more tenderness starting to creep in alongside the violence #something something that post that was like finding violence in the romantic and romance in the violent

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bloodsbane · 8 months

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okay i just rewatched the last two episodes of utena, which i think helped me collect my thoughts like... a tiny bit.

anyways i just wanted to get my feelings down really quick, aiming for the broad strokes with my impressions on things, blah blah blah. so big warning for utena spoilers under the cut

okay god so. first of all i loved it. extremely fun show. really cool and interesting. it's got that Older Anime Swag i can't get enough of. easily one of those things where, if i'd watched it when i was younger, it would've seriously restructured my entire brain chemistry. also probably would've realized i liked girls way sooner

there is. A LOT. worth talking about. i don't want to make a massively long post though. trying to be like, as straightforward as possible. not just because otherwise i'd talk forever, but also i honestly don't wanna get into the guts of things TOO much, when im still processing my personal feelings on it, plus i still gotta watch the movie

so i'll just say for now, to me, utena reads as like... something similar to a coming of age story, but not exactly. like a weird divergent cousin. i feel like a lot has to do with themes of like, trauma and how that stunts growth, one's inability to grow up beyond things that happened in our pasts, like death or failure, or even just the fact that you were at some point changed... or actualized, like, made to become aware of reality.

even moreso than growing up or adulthood, the idea of the Revolutionizing the World, which i think v deliberately at first sounds like 'change the world (in a broad, conceptual sense)' but this is something that is like... unattainable. impossible. eternity and miracles. perpetual purity, comfort, safety, a fantasy. even with the prince's sword, akio cannot open the gate. he cannot attain the power of eternity or miracles to become what he once was

if it cannot break its egg shell, a chick will die without being born. we are the chick and the world is our egg. if we cannot break the egg, we will die without being born. smash the world's shell for the revolution of the world.

a lot of my intense interest and confusion over the last third of the show was... character motivations. what did akio want? what was his goal in trying to bring utena to him, but to undermine her desire to become a prince? he wanted the sword of a prince but not for utena to wield it. he said something in the end about... how the power of revolution was too much for her, how it was up to him to decide what to do with it.

and a lot said about how she cant accomplish her goals 'because she's a girl'. she can't hold the sword, can't become the prince, can't save anthy, because she's a girl. and im not saying that's NOT a gender thing, like... obviously, in part. but i fought against that reading a little and came to the conclusion that it's not about being like, a girl as in female. it's about being a girl as in child, or rather, the same girl who wanted to stay inside that coffin, and who arguably never left.

that's a big theme brought up again and again, especially later on... living death, to remain in your coffin: the shell that is your world, and your resting place if you are never able to leave it. cowed by the truth of reality, of death and tragedy and loss and pain. so you stay inside the shell and are never really born. everyone at the school is inside of a coffin, both of their own making and in the grander scheme, because for them, the school is their world

and that's why it's so important that anthy leaves. akio is fighting to open the rose gate, to attain the power of revolution, but i don't think he was able to get it because revolution isn't really what he wants. he wants to go back, to live in the past, to be what he was instead of what he's chosen to be, which he can't fully confront, and so he is stuck and stays in his coffin, the planetarium, the school. living through this fantasy story over and over again but unable to ever break free because of the simple fact that like. he cannot see beyond himself, i guess. as opposed to anthy, who recognized that utena did achieve the power for revolution... by helping anthy out of her coffin. allowing anthy to finally be born...

that's a thing too... i think one of the main things that's really subtly brought up throughout the anime, is this idea of selfishness and being unable to see beyond your own perspective and vision and expectations of the world. and that means an inability to see others clearly. that was a huge thing for anthy and utena near the end. that scene where utena is holding anthy on the roof... and they confess to each other their true feelings (?); i don't know if that was dream or reality, but i believe it was the truth. anthy taking advantage of utena's inability to see beyond herself in order to lead her to this point, and utena's inability to recognize anthy's pain (or even, rather, her ability TO forget anthy's pain) for what it was, and that she really needed from her friend.

there's a weird element i haven't wrapped my head around yet... to do with anthy and her being a witch, the swords she takes for her brother/prince, and his willingness to say that it's what she chose for herself, so she (must?) enjoy being the witch who suffers. maybe it's part of his inability to grow... that he can't take responsibility for anthy's pain (and death?) entirely, though her sacrifice was for him... and it could be part of what had akio lose sight of things

the gate doesn't open for akio, who does not truly crave revolution, only a power he no longer has, and in his way he's gotten so muddled and has grown so (unconsciously?) defeatist about things that he's lost sight of what might have been driving him in the first place - love and a desire to save his sister

but utena, who sees anthy as a child and instantly feels all of her pain, recognizes it, maybe even as her own pain reflected back, weeps for a witch and the door opens for her. and the door is not a gate to power, it's a coffin, with anthy lying inside... waiting to die, or waiting for nothing at all... but-

oh ohhh oh... it's like... akio says something about like, without power you always have to depend on someone else? you can't do anything on your own? maybe a resentment for his tie to anthy even. but like. anthy could never break out of her shell without utena opening the coffin for her, and bringing in the light to help her see the sort of world that waited beyond. she says something like 'don't be afraid of this world where we can meet'...

in an attempt to wrap up, i guess for now i might say... utena is trying to say something about connecting to others, being open to life, but accepting that it includes pain and tragedy and loss. there are things that can and will prevent you from ever truly like... evolving beyond your first stage. becoming your true, entire self. alive, "adult", willing and able to confront the world (beyond your world)...

mm... yeah. i think writing this out has helped me figure out things just a bit. and obviously this is my own interpretation of things, but for now it's what feels right for me, alongside all the meanderings and musings.

gwahhg... movie time i guess. aaa!!!!!

#banebabbles #utena spoilers #rgu spoilers

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toothlespoggers · 5 months

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”Why are you sad” WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FEEL JOY IS BY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO DO STUFF THAT IS FUN IN THE MOMENT BUT ULTIMATELY STILL LEAVES YOU EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THE WORLD IS BEING FUCKED OVER IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS BY PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE COMMON SENSE AND THERES NO HOPE IN TRYING TODO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSEIT JUST DOESNT WORK. HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ON THE INTERNET WITHIUT SEEING EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD. THE ONLY WAY TO BE “HAPPY” IS TO BE AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING CONTROLLED AND PERFECT. AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. UNTIL YOU DIE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING, SLEEPING. EVERYTHING JUST REMINDS YOU THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY SUFFERING FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD. AND SOMEHOW ADULTS DONT CARE. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DEATHS. THEY DONT SEE THE BLOODSTAINS ON EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THEY SOMEHOW AVOID IT ALL.

WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? BECAUSE BEING SAD. BEING ANYTHING ELSE. IS TOO DIFFICULT. WHAT ARE WE JUST SUPPOSED TO ROLL OVER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOURE OK? NO. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING WOULD GO

“hey man, you ight?”

“NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL EVERYTHING IS BAD. THE “GOOD” IS MOSTLY JUST GASLIGHTING, A SUNNY LITTLE PICTURE OF FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES TO CALM YOU DOWN AND KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE IN REALITY EVERYTHING IS BAD, THE BAD COMES SO MUCH AND THE GOOD IS SO SPARSE YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY REMIND YOURSELF OF IT, AND IF EVERYTHINGS OK WOULDNT IT BE EASY TO FIND OUT GOOD NEWS INSTEAD OF DIGGING THROUGH THE INTERNET TO FIND ANYTHING? ISNT IT RIDICULOUS THAT WE ARE LABELLED AS “MENTALLY ILL” FOR HAVING FUCKING COMMON SENSE? WE ALL REALISED AS SOON AS WE GAINED SENTIENCE

“HEY WOW, ACTUALLY THE WORLD IS KINDA HORRIBLE!” AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE “YEAH BRO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT, YOURE CRAZY. THE WORLD ISNT AWFUL! LOOK AT OUR LITTLE RICH WHITE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND NOTHING IS WRONG! YOU ARE STUPID FOR THINKING THIS.”

LIKE BRO. NO??? ITS NOT OK? I DONT “GET SAD” I AM SAD. THIS ANXIETY DEPRESSION, COCKTAIL NEVER SUBSIDES. IT IS JUST IGNORED. REPEATEDLY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FORGOT TO SURVIVE.

YOU HAVE TO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WIPE YOUR EYES AND DISSOCIATE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF:

“Well Im alive now, I might as well enjoy it” BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN DO.

I WANT. TO BELIEVE. IN THE POSITIVES.

WE ALL DO.

BUT LOOK AROUND.

IT WOULD LITERALLY TAKE A MIRACLE, NOT A SMALL ONE. A NATIONAL. WORLD WIDE. MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MIRACLE. TO FIX THINGS.

BUT THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU CANT EVEN TAKE COMFORT IN RELIGION BECAUSE RELIGION IS LIKE “yeah no everythings gonna be like really bad and get worse and worse until everyone dies”

like. SERIOUSLY.

so NO. I am not “ok” and if you are. Congratulations. You’ve achieved a level of ignorance I TRULY wish I could obtain.

you wanna know why NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ON EARTH KNEW THIS. EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE.

And I’m not saying you can’t be happy. YOU CAN! I am often happy! I have a lot of good moments. Life is worth living! Until a certain point you can always experience joy. There will always be SOMETHING. Good.

I’m sorry it sucks. I want it to change, I want to be happy. I want to go outside knowing that there’s a future, that there isn’t just misery ahead of me.

but I can’t do anything about it.

I can’t seek therapy. I can’t tell anyone.

because all they do is try and get me to be happy again, different strategies!! Different Methods! Different medication! So much medication :,D but I’m tired of people telling me not to be sad.

Stop trying to fix the individuals with drugs and cheesy advice.

FIX THE WORLD FOR US. THEN THE CHILDREN WONT NEED TO BE HIGH ON PAIN KILLERS TO BE HAPPY.

(I try to keep stuff like this to a minimum on my blog but at this point this is the only way I can safely put my opinion out into the world without being put into a mental hospital or yelled at.)

#tw vent #tw swearing #tw depressing thoughts #tw depressing stuff #tw drugs #tw death #cw vent #cw depressive thoughts #vent tag #vent post #vent

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necronominom · 2 years

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its weird, the difference in hating yourself when you're depressed and hating yourself when you're "getting better". it almost seems easier to live the former way. the latter is just so much more painful, because i now realize how much my insecurities are holding me back. how much im stopping myself from being as happy as i can be. but i cant do anything about it. just sit and suffer with the body i was given. endure all the people telling me i should learn to love myself, telling me that im wrong and im actually really handsome, but it just makes me feel worse. its invalidating. when i was depressed i still hated my appearance all the same but i had the reassurance that i wouldnt live long enough to worry about it. i always had that "out", the plan b; killing myself if things ever got too hard. i dont even know now if its better that im not suicidal anymore, because this might feel even worse. now i have to face the reality that im only at the start of my "life" in this world, when not long ago, and for a very long time, i was convinced i was already at the end. there was a very comforting reassurance in knowing i would eventually kill myself. it makes sense, that my plan b of suicide was always readily accessible. i was not and still am not scared of death. i dont think i ever will be after the years i spent yearning for it. at most, in my current mental state, im scared of not living enough before i die. but i have always known that if my last day were to come, i would be ready. i would welcome death with open arms, with tears of joy, of relief, that its finally over. im prepared for the great unknown, because i already know what this earth has to offer, and i'd very much like to pass.

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thisdreamplace · 1 year

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https://at.tumblr.com/thisdreamplace/702717505374945280/b9zigsjsv3a6

Yessss I heard that Neville had those experiences. The reddit one you mention sounds very interesting 😍

Tbh, I came to the law just because I wanted a text from a guy lol, but when I started reading more, it became more interesting how some people talk about manifesting things out of thin air or having these manifestations that are unbelievable to the human mind like what you mention about Neville and the guy from reddit. It sounds tempting to try.

I think it's interesting how the mind works you know, because like I was mentioning the thing about dreams, in that moment we are another version of ourselves. This reminds me of what Neville mentioned of how we have to persuade ourselves to the point where we become that person that we want to be, and doing so is not impossible because we do it all the time in dreams. The brain doing those things, is the same brain we have while we're awake. Except that when we're awake we have the conscious part of the mind questioning and rationalizing everything. And also the fact that we believe that a natural process has to take place for things to happen. In the scenario of me graduating I would most likely start questioning myself, but imagine if I woke up one day and it felt like "oh shit, I just had a dream in which I had not graduated yet" and felt completely convinced of my new reality omg 😅

I saw this video yesterday of a woman talking about shifting timelines and saying that our nervous systems would go crazy if things manifested out of thin air, but... would it? Really? I'm starting to believe that it is something that we've made up to trust the process and not stress about things taking time. But whatever, I was just contemplating how cool our minds are while dreaming and how cool would it be to have such mind control while awake.

hahah tbh i think thats so normal. so many people find the law over a sp then this whole entire world opens !

i think that when it comes to persuading ourselves we are the person we want to be, we just get into our own way bc we are so engrossed in fear and the comfort zone. we often want someone to validate us before we can be who we want to be. like. just imagine what you wear everyday. now imagine tomorrow, you decideed to wear the most outrageous, unique clothing and go out that way. you wouldnt even make out the door without your family making comments. let alone going out into the world and getting stared at ! this is why so many people cant persuade themselves. bc thats how it feels to be someone new. i hope that analogy makes sense lol so it makes sense how difficult it feels, but its really only ever us holding ourselves back.

tbh idk what to think !! i used to think we made it up, but now i dont think so. i think its part of us having chosen to come live lives in this place of duality and human experience. even in my revision successes, they happened so naturally. ive definitely been questioning the idea of bypassing the human experience. like i know theres been many accounts of shifting things, but i dont know anyone who has done so in a major mystic way. or if they did so, they came back to this dimension at the end of it and resumed life as normal (like going to the worlds). so all i can say is ! try it ! see how far you can push the limits in your own experience ! i'd love to hear about what your journey is like, so keep me updated. it's definitely an interesting topic ! :)

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bloodcorpceo · 1 year

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today i am feeling pretty blackpilled. it's the first of the month...

i wanted to feel renewed, refreshed but instead I'm feeling pretty hopeless. i am having one of my many body dysmorphia outbursts. i saw this ugly picture of myself in bad lighting last night at a party and immediately began having negative thought loops and an anxiety attack. i know that sounds really silly to people who don't have issues like this but for me... this just made me feel defeated and hideous. i was already feeling down and ugly because no one talked to me at the bar or club last night again... people almost never approach me and my friends tell me it's because im "unapproachable" but sometimes i wonder if this is just cope not to hurt my feelings. what if the only time i look decent is when i am extremely curated but im actually ugly? i see all my flaws intensely and i often think im hideous or mid at best, no this isn't fishing for compliments either I've never been mentally sound with my appearance and spent too much of my life actually being a 4 to the point where i have permanent damage to my self image and general mental state.

i think the people around me irl are awful at dealing with and helping me with my mental health issues. this morning when i was seeking some kind of solid answer my friend just would silently nod or just say something like "don't seek approval from others". my mother and i got into an argument and she raised her voice at me calling me shallow and saying my primary focus is my appearance but she chooses to live in lala land and refuses to recognize that your appearance determines your entire quality of life, especially when you are as poor as me. i literally have no escape out of poverty besides my appearance because in reality I'm not that bright. my mom doesn't understand my mental health state despite having a psychology degree. she doesn't have pcos like me and never struggled with her weight as a young woman, always had tons of friends and boyfriends, was voted prom queen and even had a modeling contract. how could she ever possibly understand how i feel or relate to me? i have quite literally lived most of my life as a femcel. i can count on one hand how many friends i have even now and didn't even kiss a guy until i was over 20.

just last year i started to get sort of attractive by losing weight, changing my makeup and hair and finally felt a little comfortable putting myself out there but I'm still terrified. i still don't go out much and i feel like i repel people. I've built a wall to protect myself from being hurt again. i might be prettier than before but i still feel the same inside and I'm still socially inept, so i still don't attract people. i really need therapy but i cant afford it. i have been intensely struggling financially this year and i could barely scrounge up a dollar today to pay for my change difference at Starbucks because i desperately needed to get out of the house. i feel intensely upset about the fact that i thought i had found the perfect job to work from home just for the guy to scam me and never pay me even though i worked in bed editing a book for him while i was sick with COVID so i could get it in on time.

i was working my ass off expecting some compensation i desperately need. i feel at a dead end, I've been applying many places but my nail school schedule fucks me and it seems no one really wants to hire me. i can't go until the spring like this, I'm drowning in debt. i am also not looking forward to going back to nail school because i don't like the other girls and i had some issues and the vibe is dead, it won't be fun anymore, it won't be the same. i get upset thinking about it because i feel unwanted. i tried to talk to my friend about this too and she still gave me no reassurance, just the same generic responses. i don't feel relieved or comforted. i suppose i should stop dumping my feelings on my friends but i feel hopeless and really depressed. i don't want to do anything, right now i don't even want to exist.

i just want a decent job and a good man next to me and a home of my own and to get the fuck out of Detroit and to get the surgeries i want and to be thinner and prettier and i want a therapist

#tldr #trauma dump #bdd #depression

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thingstotellthem · 1 year

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this is very long. sorry.

i don't even know where to start, honestly. i hate you so so much. i'm sorry i fucked up. i want you to die. i hope you live a happy and peaceful life. i know i did bad things to you, which i didn't realise at the time. and i'm genuinly sorry for that. i just really wish you'd get that you were constantly hurting me, too. you were so emotionally abusive. i wrote poems about it. about you. countless poems. it's hard to put into words, but poems allow me to become incoherent and metaphorical, and that helps. so. here's some of them. (a title, if a poem has one, is in italics.)

theres so many things i wanna say to you

but at the same time

do you actually deserve knowing?

i hope you love yourself as much as i hate you

i hate you i hate you i hateyou ihateyoui hateyouihateyouiateuaeu

every time i feel bad, my brain screams.

STOP FEELING BAD OR I WILL KILL MYSELF

STOP BEING SAD OR I WILL DIE

STOP BEING SO PESSIMISTIC OR I WILL KILL ME ON YOUR BEHALF

JUST STAY POSITIVE OR IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT

STOP WORRYING ME OR YOU WILL BE GUILTY

STOP OR IM DEAD

STOP

STOP STOP

STOP OR IM DEAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT

and it haunts me. its been haunting me all the time. i was shaking and crying and i thought id get a text telling me youre dead the next day.

MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP PLEASE MAKE THE ANXIETY STOP IT HURTS HURTS HURTS IM SO SCARED SO SCARED SO AFRAID SCARED AFRAID HURT CRYING SCREAMING BAD BAD BAD

sometimes i wish you were dead so i know that you wont die.

am i a victim? are you? was this all real? did you even hurt me? is this reality or am i gaslighting myself? are you to blame?

yes, i fucked up and im sorry. but its not my fault that im like this. its yours. yours alone. YOURS ITS ALL YOURS. I DIDNT CHOOSE TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I DIDNT CONSENT TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I NEVER EVER WANTED TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE YOU CANT JUST CHOOSE ME AND IGNORE ALL THE OTHER HAPPY SOURCES WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME IT HURTS IT HURTS ITS TOO MUCH HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE WHEN I CANT EVEN BE MY OWN

am i truly a victim? are my feelings valid? are they real? are they the one to blame? are my memories real? is anything at all real? am i real? is reality real? what is real? what is valid? what is justified and what is not? are my feelings? are theirs?

sometimes i wonder why you never comforted me when i had to comfort you all the time. were you too hurt to be a therapist for two people? i was, and i still comforted you.

Sometimes I wonder;

And what is, that you thought of me?

What is, that you think now?

yk, sometimes.. sometimes i want to forgive. i want to hug you, hold you close to me, tell you it’s okay. that i forgive you. sometimes i want tender moments between us, i want to kiss you softly and forget all the bad we did to eachother. sometimes i really want to. but in the end, all the pain you brought me holds me back, and all i can do is hate you.

You asked me why I didn’t like mashed potatoes, and I threw up the sand you forced me eat. You asked me why I never initiated to hang out, and I cut my head open, spilling all the maggots eating away at my brain back into your hands. You asked me why I always was sad, and I slashed my wrists, staring at the blood sweeping out, and you asked me why I was dying when there were flowers in my bones.

I keep thinking about what we were.

Why can’t I write it into poetry?

Why are you wasting the space in my brain?

Why did you never understand me in the way I understood you?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you ever think about what you’ve done?

mirror, mirror, on the wall

how broken you must’ve been

to hurt me with the same words

they’ve hurt you

dirty love

our love was waiting until somebody made a move

it was silence and anxiety

it was guilt, so much guilt and embarassment

it was only loving because we couldn’t love ourselves, because we couldn’t love anyone else in the world

it was bottling up feelings and never talking

it was hurt, oh, so hurt and pained

it was holding hands even though we both hated physical contact, but it was all we had

it was sitting beside eachother, wanting to cuddle and still never doing so

it was quiet lunch at yours and loud dinner at mine

it was waiting until somebody made a move

it was until i did

until i broke up our dirty love

because i realised i couldn’t love someone who i don’t love

not even if i pretend

not even if i want to

and that’s what made our love so dirty

it wasn’t ours

it was yours

Sorry

I’m sorry.

It was all my fault.

I stopped believing in the stars

After you told me you did

Because I couldn’t be you—

Then they fell down and killed us.

Please don’t ever forgive me.

Don’t forget me.

Forget what you felt,

But not what I did.

Please take it all with you

And make sure nobody ever hurts you again.

Love fades into hate so quickly

Do you hurt when you think of me?

Do you regret?

Do you hate me?

Do you cry?

Do you feel miserable?

Do you want to die?

Because that’s how I feel about you,

And when I think of what I’ve done,

I desperately hope it’s the same for you.

that's not even all of them yet, just my favorites, the ones i might actually publish one day. i could fill a thousand books with a thousand pages each, all for you, and it still wouldn't be enough. i can't even properly write down my feelings. i hate you, but i still care about you, and i'm convinced that only one of us should walk this earth at the same time. i hope it can be me. still, deep down in my heart, the affection i once had for you hopes it's you. i don't know myself anymore. it's destroying me. you're destroying me. i hope to fucking god that you just die already. i think. i'm not sure. you're still making me question reality. i hate that we share the same friends, and if i told them about your abuse, i'd have to tell them about the toxic things i did, and they'd have to choose between us and live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives. so you've rendered me unable to do anything. i want to fucking scream. whenever i think of you, i get so angry. so angry with myself, with you, with us, with what we were, and weren't, and wanted to be. i know most of your abuse wasn't intentional, but it still left me traumatized. i haven't forgiven you, and i never will. and i'm so mad at myself, at you, because i really fucking wish you could live with that knowledge forever but my trauma is still so bad that i feel the need to throw up from the guilt of making you kill yourself when only thinking about telling you anything of what i feel.

#actuallyabused #actuallytraumatized #emotional abuse #suicide tw #self harm tw #vomit mention tw #unsanitary tw #anon #♥♥

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rockheadcd · 1 year

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@electrivolt said: With the kind of downwards spiral his life had been in the recent years, there's never been much time to just... sit there like this, alone in the middle of nothing, laying down to look up, forget about the world and count the stars in the sky, for these little pointless things that still felt like so much more than most of his life ever did.

He wasn't even sure of how the conversation had taken the turn it did, how he had allowed it to happen, from the stars and constellations Roark knew of to a little more, their lives, their thoughts no one else was privy to, to that silence that felt heavier than it should've, still comfortable and yet holding so much more than anyone would believe at first. To Volkner, it felt right, in some way. He trusted Roark enough to let this be known.

"You know... when I was a kid, sometimes I would try to stay out all night like this. Find some nice and lonely spot where I could look at the sky." It's one of those little moments where it feels right to speak, to let out what he was never allowed to voice. "It... never really went well. He'd get... really pissed off whenever I finally came back... but it was worth it. I liked just... having time to myself. Not having to think about anything, forgetting how shitty life is."

How often had he done this, really? Sitting outside like that, Luxray curled around him in an effort to warm him up, wondering whether or not it was worth it to even go back, where could he even go, what would come next. And then the stars would let him forget, take his mind somewhere else in those moments that for once, were only his, before reality came crashing down on him once again. Before he started to consider how freezing out there might've been a better option than whatever was waiting at home.

He hated a little how much those nights in Hisui reminded him of it.

"I guess... I guess it was kinda sad, though."

How lonely was he, really? To never had anyone by his side outside of his one friend... he can't quite help himself, the hand held in his own squeezed just a bit tighter, that grounding presence he's needed all along. ( how could he ever believe he wouldn't need anyone else when he could've had all of this sooner? )

And then, without thinking much about it, Volkner inched a bit closer, leaned in to pull him closer, an almost careful kiss to his cheek before deciding to rest his head against his shoulder.

"... Thank you... for not letting me be alone like that again. It's nice. I like it."

Roark deserved at least that much after all he's done for him. And maybe he could find himself looking forward those quiet moments under the night sky once again. / they’re at it again. | accepting.

The chill of being out in the middle of Arceus-knows-where, natural, flourishing forests surrounding the cities that danced around Mt. Coronet, had little affect on such a warm frame. Roark had done this many times over, laying against flattened wild grass, the clearing of coniferous trees a grasping reach towards a clearing of the night sky—they were far enough away from the light pollution to truly admire the great unknown. Roark simply couldn't help himself when he started to point with his free hand and trace and explain the constellations that were gracing them during this time of the year.

And with nothing with them aside from the gentle cacophony of nocturnal animals, he shouldn't have been surprised when conversations that had once been in silence over weary eyes and haptic feedback finally found a voice. They were comfortable here, and Roark was more than happy to listen to Volkner in such a peaceful place, the spoils of their split-second decision to drive up in elevation into the forests of the highlands. He felt at peace, for once, shoulder to shoulder and keeping at least one hand warm, laced fingers reminding him that this was no dream—this was their reality and they both felt safe enough to speak of history. His head cants towards his love, watching pale lips move and lashes idly flutter when his gaze wanders. There's no need to look at the sky when Roark can see the stars littered along cobalt if he searches hard enough.

To hear about his father, still, had been a surprise, but Volkner isn't focusing on that in his recollection, so neither does Roark as he looks back up at the sky, tracing stars as they burn brightly against the scab that was their home galaxy. "I can't claim I was any different when I'd do this myself. Different reasons, of course, but.." To say he didn't spend all those hours on Iron Island, doing this same exact thing, with Ramses in his arms, all because he wanted to exist somewhere else for a little while.. he understood now what it was that had pulled his wanderlust out into the open when the sky was at it's deepest indigo. Back then, he didn't really know any better, but now, it was obvious that he was coping, trying to humble his growing tendencies to be such a lone little wolf in the world, telling himself that it was okay to do it all on his own.

It was kind of sad, wasn't it? "Well. Maybe. But when there's so much to be in awe by, it's just so much better than having to be at home, isn't it?" Roark offers softly, "It's never gotten old despite all these years." And he can't help but squeeze his hand in reciprocated reassurance, surprised when Volkner shifts him enough to press a kiss against his cheek, settling on him and resting once again ( his poor little heart was too susceptible in such peace, so warm and fluttering in his chest as something so simple, yet so meaningful ). It really takes nothing for Roark to thread his fingers through disheveled blond, short nails comfortingly grazing his scalp.

If coming out at this hour meant moments like this, he wouldn't be associating them with loneliness, huh.

"You've never deserved to be alone, Volk," he points out softly, even if he feels so assured that he's been doing something good for his storm all this time. "…But you're right. It's nice, like this—just you and me, here." Roark is quiet for a moment, fingers nestled and resting in choppy strands. "When you think about it, we've probably stared at the same sky on the same night at least once. Maybe we were never really as alone as we thought we were because of it. Maybe that was why it was comforting until we had to go back to our lives." Or something like that. "Now we know, though. 'Cause you're right here. Right where you belong."

#electrivolt #🌙 ━ / asks.#🗻 ━ 𝗂'𝗅𝗅 𝗌𝗁𝗈𝗐 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗍𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝖼𝗈𝖺𝗅 𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖾𝗋'𝗌 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝖾 𝗌𝗍𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗀𝗍𝗁! / roark ic.

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summersareknives · 1 year

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your fic recs have been absolutely superior so ty. my turn! engraved upon my heart (in letters deeply worn) by inkpot_winters - jegulus little women au. need i say more. (also bc little women was in your top books)

taylor time! sad beautiful tragic, the moment i knew, and the way i loved you! ( i keep thinking im repeating ones ive already said so if i give u one i already said just ignore it LOL)

chat time!

drarry being a guilty pleasure is so real. like drarry and jegulus is same ship different font so u cant go wrong.

and being used as a personal grammarly by friends? SO real. my best friend cant spell for shit and ive been her dictionary and autocorrect since we kids.

okay but red converse is so james of you. i have red converse as well (i think i wore nothing but my red converse for an entire year when i was 16) but i like to change it up with my green or black converse too (i drew stars and moons all over the rubber part on my black ones because. i have to make everything in my life about wolfstar obviously)

GREEK MYTHOLOGY KIDS UNITE! this makes me so happy. truly a superior breed. i guess my obsession just bled into my academic career and here i am LOL. and dont worry, caecilius est in horto is a joke here too (at least it was in my intro to latin class, i feel like the average canadian would be lost)

love that u want to save lives. thats so cool of u. my best friend is a nursing student and shes the most badass person ive ever met so maybe its a prerequisite to be cool if u save lives.

(also wanting to be an agent after watching a spy movie is SO REAL like i swear my divine purpose becomes being a cool ass kicking agent, until reality dawns on me and i remember im just. a random person)

your top books list is so good. i love little women SM & ive heard so many good things about if we were villains (i really need to get on reading that)

also JUMANJI i love that movie. so good. and the hunger games movies ofc just classics at this point. and help the woman calling herself the kim k of businesswomen in the apprentice is so funny some people say the funniest things.

id love to visit new york too. concrete jungle where dreams are made of, obviously. the big gulp cup. god i want one too. (we have them in canada but i think ours are way smaller?)

your jewelry sounds so cool. i love the hp pandora bracelet thats so cool & rings! i love rings sm i cannot leave the house without them.

pop tarts & chinese takeout is such a good combination. perfect comfort food fr.

and a fellow cat person! i like dogs but i love cats sm. i have 3 and theyre my most favourite little creatures on the planet.

an INFJ! very remus of u. (at least i think hes an INFJ? idk i saw a tiktok about it lol) im an INTJ so im living up to my reg kinnie status.

stars is such a good choice. i will always be a star person too (and hello? im an ex-astronomy student too thats so funny). theyre just so pretty and i swear i could stare at them for hours.

christmas is my fav holiday too!! ive actually always wanted to visit london at christmas time it sounds so nice. do you get much snow during the winter? we dont get much snow here so honestly anywhere that gets snow at christmas sounds great to me.

I ACTUALLY DONT KNOW WHY I THOUGHT JAMES OPENED THE DOOR??? i think i read some dumb thing somewhere where he opened the door wearing a lightning mcqueen costume and it really stuck with me😭 i guess i decided that was canon to me LOL

question answer time!

fav rarepair - oh god i dont even know. i tend to always enjoy the more popular ships. although i did read a fake dating fic where james and evan fake dated to make barty and reg jealous, and ofc barty and reg fake dated to make james and evan jealous. (a star for a summer's day by moony_reggie if u wanna check it out!) so ill say james x evan. they had more chemistry together than i would've expected.

fuck marry kill james sirius remus - GOd. i cant even answer that question thats like the hardest thing anyone has ever asked me. uhmmm ill fuck them all, and then marry them all. if i had to kill someone itd be myself because i cannot be responsible for any of their deaths THEYVE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!!

place i wanna visit - id love to visit new zealand. im a HUGE lord of the rings fan and they filmed the movies there so id die if i ever got the chance to visit. ive actually always wanted to visit london too (and a lot of the UK in general, especially wales and scotland) as well as italy & greece! i visited both on a school trip a few years ago and it was a dream come true but id love to go back.

fav book/book series - another brutal question but ill try:

picture of dorian gray

song of achilles

percy jackson series

shadowhunter chronicles (yes its the incest series NO THEYRE NOT ACTUALLY SIBLINGS I SWEAR! we dont talk about it.)

mara dyer series by michelle hodkin (underrated and so good)

hp series ofc

hunger games ALWAYS.

six of crows duology my beloved <3

most embarrassing thing ive ever done - oh man. okay lets see. when i was in 10th grade i had to take a spanish oral final at the end of the school year but i am an ANXIOUS woman and did not wanna do that so i skipped my spanish class until the end of the year. my best friend was in my class and my teacher kept asking her where i was until one day she told my teacher i had CHLAMYDIA and thats why i was gone. i guess her excuse worked because the teacher never asked again. the next year any time i saw that teacher in the hall she gave me a funny look but . i guess mission success? i never did have to take that final so. LOL

favourite thing i own - i have a set of lightsabers (yes im a star wars nerd (derogatory)) but also i have the ring from the lord of the rings! my precious truly.

if my life was a movie - i truly dont think my life is interesting enough to have an exciting title. i think the best i can come up with is "the underwhelming adventures of a crazy cat lady and her books". and thats just like abysmal so.

YOUR TURN!

do u have any pets?

fav fanfic trope?

do u have any weird talents?

whats your gas station order?

fav flower/plant?

fav planet?

and simply because now i have to know, most embarrassing thing youve ever done?

fav instrument sound? (like what sounds most pleasing to your ear)

and thats all! i eagerly await your responses and in the meantime ill be over here doing a little dance.🕺

-bee

bee hello hello hello 👋 i missed u <333

jegulus little women au ??? on god , sign me up for this right the fuck now. (& little women is genuinely so good. amylaurie truther 5ever>>>>)

(fic rec for u - no bright line by lady_grey - w/ sirius being an actor, remus being a historian & lily being the filmaker & matchmaker who fixes them up. james and harry are just there for the vibes honestly.)

tay tay -

sad beautiful tragic - JEGULUS - ‘long handwritten note’ - HELLO???? mr rab with the locket?? ‘kiss me try to fix it’ james trying to tell regulus to come and come that he’ll save reg , but reg already knowing he’s beyond repair. ‘for the life of us we can’t get back’ WHAT WHAT. they should’ve been happy your honour. ‘we both wake up in lonely beds in different cities’ the different places they wake up in especially during the summer holidays. ‘beautiful magic love there. what a sad beautiful tragic love affair.’ THEM THEM THEM THEY HAD SOMETHING SO SPECIAL AND THEY WERE SO TRAGIC.

the moment I knew- BLACK BROTHERS- i had to think about this one because I didn’t think anyone of my ships would betray each other like in this song. just not turn up or anything. BUT OF COURSE ! black brothers angst. i can just imagine sirius being like ‘bro i’m coming to your party bro’ & reg waiting but he doesn’t come because he’s getting smashed with the marauders. AHHHHH OH MY GOD NOW I’M ALL HURT. ‘your close friends seem to know when there’s something wrong’ - James being all ‘sup reg what up with u dude u seem a little depresso.’ i can just feel this song. very them .

the way i loved you - JEGULUS - i love this in the context of that jegulus had to break up and bartylus begins but then reg keeps thinking of james , like to me ‘frustrating intoxicating complicated’ is something reg would SO use to describe james. (ps - i’ve heard people use this for remus-grant in which it’s remus singing the song about sirius which i also agree with!)

now chatting time-

drarry ! i love them so much ! ‘harry had never been less interested in quidditch, he was rapidly become more and more obsessed with draco malfoy’ like BRO . i know what you are. ‘the boy who lived’ more like the ‘bi who lived’

and the personal dictionary thing is so real , isn’t it? it’s always like ‘ess check this’ ‘ess is there an a in definite’ ‘ess why is there a red line under this word’ .

and yes i agree red converse is very very james of me ! i love them so much they’re very dear to me. and green and black converse ??? very slytherin of you (i think the stars are so real of you #wolfstar5ever) i actually have a pair of stars converse !! on the little flap thingy , there is a little moon stitched on as well! when i saw them i was like ‘ i must own these’.

AND YES GREEK MYTHOLOGY FOREVER !!!! WE ARE THE BEST !!! the trojan horse was my obsession as a kid lmfao. i love that you took it to the next step though i could never do latin for so long ! (and i’m glad caecilius est in horto carries everywhere. it’s a staple of latin classes honestly.)

AND YESSSS saving lives is for cool people only ? are u a loser ? do you want to save lives ? if yes then u are no longer a loser ! (and nurses are definitely badass good on your best friend for opting for that)

(after the movies end i always be in the toilets staring into the mirror having an existential crisis like ‘well i’m gonna be in the mi6 now better get to training’ then the toilet flushes behind me and i get back to reality.)

little women ❤️❤️❤️❤️ (the 2019 movie >>>) ( and yes you must read iwwv that book changed my brain chemistry forever)

AND JUMANJI JUST SLAPS SO HARD HONESTLY!!! kevin and the rock together >>> . AND THIS YEAR’S APPRENTICE is on crack fr. if you watch it , you’ll notice there’s one guy who looks exactly like the hyde , honestly. and lord sugar saying ‘i hear you own a pest control business. any tips on how to get rid of piers morgan’ LIKE BRO YOU WENT HARD.

yes new york oh my god new york seems like the place that would make or break u. (not to mention that americans are a bit of a novelty here . like the candies , the cheetos the accents >>>) AND THE AMERICAN BIG GULP IS LIKE HUMONGOUS. HUGE . I must try it. (you have them in canada ??? that’s so cool)

RINGS ARE SO COOL. makes me feel all mysterious n shit , but i do too much lab work to handle wearing them all the time.

pop tarts & chinese takeout are simply superior. i don’t make the rules??

YOU HAVE CATS ??? I DON’T (yet. i plan on getting a black cat with green eyes. but a black cat) THAT’S SO SWEET AND AWESOME AND COOL AHHHHH. cats are so adorable honestly. (what are the kitties names ? i must know them and shower them with love from me !)

and yes INFJ !!! i love chocolate , but unfortunately i am not a werewolf so not totally remus. INTJ?? you little reg kinnie i see you there.

stars honestly i love them. light pollution is just so damning in london though. (and what??? that’s such a freaky coincidence oh my god !!!)

AND YES CHRISTMAS I LOVE CHRISTMAS !!! we did get snow last year but it melted pretty fast. We actually got frost a couple days ago , but not proper snow. i’m waiting for a real proper snow day again where the snow actually stays for ages. and lmfao you don’t get snow in canada ?? whenever i imagine canada i always think of three things - snow , maple syrup & mooses. it upsets me that not all of these things are everywhere in canada.

AND LMFAO NOT THE JAMES DOOR THING ??? it’s such a funny little thing because i see people bashing him for being dumb and opening the door and i’m like ‘guys.no’ (but he defo was wearing a costume.like that’s just the truth .)

your questions -

just enjoying the popular ships and not having a rarepair is so real of u. like yes i’m a basic bitch and i just want my jegulus + wolfstar. so what?? (and james & evan?? hmm never heard that before , i’m gonna have to check it out.) my rarepair is really really weird. brace yourself. it’s pansy x percy. i read one fic with them and i thought that was really cool so i think they’re sweet to read now and then! (the fic was the secretary by pacificrimbaud btw - recced by me but do read the tags for extra warnings ik not everyone likes that. it has wild child personal assistant pansy and rude controlling boss percy.)

not being to choose between them is so real . (me however ?? fuck james marry sirius kill remus. love u moonpie but mummy’s got a job to do.)

visiting places where movies got filmed is so surreal though isn’t it ?? and a lotr fan?? my mate’s one and she gave me the silmarillion to read for xmas . (it’s going to take me at least seven months to read because i read (1) page and got confused already.) AND VISIT LONDON YESSS !! very cool here usually , as long as you don’t bump into any roadmen. (I also want to go to italy and greece. Especially venice and athens >>>)

your fave books , i’m going through one by one

podg - isn’t ben barnes in the movie ?? so many edits i’ve seen of him with potd scenes , honestly i’ve got to read the book (& watch the movie of course , to sate my desire.)

‘name one hero who was happy’ & ‘ i am made of memories’ haunt me forever.

pjo is honestly so iconic. i’m waiting for the big old series to come out now.

IS THIS THE ONE BASED ON RON X GINNY FIC ?? like the one that goes ‘you’re my sister , my blood , i should want to protect you’ 😀😀😀 but i trust your judgement here bee!

never heard of this one. but i did just search it up , and the blurb is interesting so i’ve added it to my tbr !

hp did have my little year five self in a chokehold.

THE HUNGER GAMES OH MY LORD >>>>> peeta mellark and his baby bombs my god>>>

and soc ! i would read it except i have been spoiled for a certain chapter 40!

NOT YOU SKIPPING THE SPANISH CLASSES BECAUEE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DO THE ORAL??? just say me llamo been and pass the exam 🤨🤨🤨🤨.now u got chlamydia too . and the teacher looking at you like ‘damn how she get chlamydia , this bitch be getting around.’

OMG LIGHTSABERS ??? i would so fight with them all the time that’s so so so awesome. (just looked up the lotr ring. it looks so elegant!)

ahhhh being a crazy cat lady >>>> (not abysmal cats beat people anyday.) my movie would be ‘drunk procrastinator’ because honestly i never do things on time and a little bit of sippy sip does release the stress sometimes. (the things i’ve done when under the influence will haunt me. my best friend has so much blackmail material on me .)

MY QUESTIONS —>

unfortunately not yet. but i do want to get a cat , so i’ll get on that asap.

when person a smells person b in amortentia , or when person a is given veritaserum and admits they like person b. i’m a sucker for that shit >>>

my weird talent is that i can eat an entire bowl of cereal in under ten seconds !! not useful at all , but it’s weird so yes , i consider it a talent !

i had to look up what a gas station was i got so confused. we call them petrol stations here so i was like ‘tf is a gas station’ BUT ANYWAYS! I don’t even have a car unfortunately, but my chauffeur (best friend) does and obviously i abuse the best friend privileges, and whenever he needs petrol i always get a pack of gum , a can of sprite (+ a diet coke for the driver man). (this is what you mean by gas station order , yes ? gas stations in canada don’t have restaurants in them right?)

favourite flower - poppies ! i adore poppies ! + lavender they’re so pretty // favourite plant - hyrdrangeas ! (they’re classified as shrubs so they count) very sweet and nice.

favourite planet - gonna be a real one and choose my gal pluto. she’s still a planet to me , okay???

i was at a funeral when i got a phone call . my phone was NOT on silent. and the worst part ? my ringtone was baby got back , so now the deceased’s family have a memory of ‘turn around stick it out even white boys got the shout , baby got back!’ in the middle of someone’s eulogy.

saxophone ! that shit RELAXING AS FUCK !

q’s for you to answer next time you come around -

what the fuck is putin (not the president)

unpopular opinion about the marauders

unpopular opinion in life

Dream car

do you watch the apprentice?

do you believe in soulmates ? (romantic or platonic?)

what’s your hidden talent?

Favourite villain ?

ever had your heart broken ?

ever broken a heart?

(bee you know the drill by now !! don’t be too long , I’ll miss you<333)

#ess waters a plant #bee <33 #ess’s marauders x ts crossover

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fukozawa · 2 years

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venting just ignore me // tw: weight, sui, sh

i really wish i had a therapist

I havent had a therapist since i was 15 over a decade ago. And even then i didn’t want to be there and didn’t take advantage of how much of a privilege it was

I don’t think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with anyone in my life. I don’t think ill ever not feel like a burden. And if that ever goes away it’ll surely be after years of therapy which i don’t and won’t have access to for the foreseeable future

Anytime I’m faced with the opportunity to open up or ask for a listening ear, I’m fully paralyzed from seeking that out. Its like right before i take that step, right as my foot is about to touch the shaky ground of opening up to someone that wants to be there for me, its like my own subconscious flings me backwards through midair and everything i wanted to say is blank and i physically cant utter the words. Its like all the feelings that made me want to seek out help in the first place suddenly disappear and I’m miraculously totally fine and not sure why I needed to reach out in the first place and waste anyones time or emotional energy.

Theres always this underlying feeling that i don’t matter and i can easily disappear from peoples lives and they wouldn’t notice, so why make them become further invested in my issues when I’m basically nonexistent as it is. Obviously its the avoidant attachment style but to an extreme. I don’t have to avoid people when i constantly feel like others are avoiding me. And especially avoiding my feelings, which have oftentimes been too heavy for others to carry.

Ive never had a irl friend who would just listen to me and be emotionally intelligent enough to not project their own ideas onto me, but who knew how to allow their presence be the comfort that i needed.

I cant stop myself from diverting the attention away from myself and focusing on other peoples problems or worries in order to avoid having to talk about my own.

In reality i could literally talk about myself and my constant self analysis for hours, theres so much that ive reflected on and so much i could use external insight on, but by the time i scratch the tip of the iceberg, the intrusive thought of being a burden/waste of time/emotional drain on those around me is too powerful to ever scratch the surface of what really goes on with me. Even on tumblr i try not to vent here as often as id like bc its literally so embarrassing being a human and having to have human emotions like literally so annoying i hate having to subject anyone to this.

Tho if im honest I’m lonelier than ive ever been and nothing is more affirming of my trauma and need for community than how expertly I’m able to isolate myself so diligently. Thats just one of the ways I’m able to self harm without anyone noticing. Another big way lately has been depriving myself of sleep, i cant stop myself. The feeling of being so ridiculously tired that i cant help but pass out is the best feeling ever cuz it means not a moment is spent with my own thoughts. I know its hurting me so much, bc my head screams at me with some of the worst headaches (which i realized recently are likely migraines) but its part of the sh i guess. When it gets too unbearable i just take some pain medicine and i can go about my day. Burning eye sockets are a lot easier to ignore than a radiating pounding skull.

Ive become so unhealthy but i don’t care. Sadly I’m skinny so no one questions it. I’m severely underweight but restricting food intake is another way i subtly self harm. I think its obvious but my parents are too self centered to notice and if they do notice they clearly don’t think its enough of a concern to mention to me. Its not actually on purpose tho, i have arfid due to being autistic and making myself a meal thats not instant ramen is literal fucking hell on earth and feels like I’m trying to run through waste deep water. I never have an appetite and the act of even having to eat at all is exhausting/draining. I hate food and if i could survive on vibes & Dr Pepper alone without having to eat food id be more than happy. I constantly have anxiety that there’s something seriously wrong with my body but id never know because my body is constantly being put through the wringer, experiencing such regular levels of discomfort/pain its impossible for me to acknowledge which of my bodies signals are truly dire.

Living with my mother is slowly killing me but i have no way out due to crippling levels of anxiety and absolutely zero energy to care for myself enough to be able to take action on things that would benefit my future self. It doesnt help that it feels like the world is ending and feeling like i may not have a lot of time left anyways so might as well spend my life in bed miserable under the covers starving and malnourished, cuz its the only thing I’m good at.

I feel like I’m always in some sort of dissociative state that i don’t know how to turn off. I try to ground myself and it just comes right back. When it comes to my emotional state i have absolutely zero support system and its hard to not feel like everyone is better off not having to deal with my bullshit drama. Its hard not to feel like I’m making all this up and just being dramatic, like I’m faking all of this and i bet if i wasnt such a coward I wouldn’t have all these issues.

A part of me is jealous of the people who took their lives already. They were powerful people. I wish i could be like them. And not have to deal with the pain of existing as an autistic gay person who never felt truly seen. As terrifying as that is thats all ive ever wanted, for someone to genuinely want to See me and Understand me. Cuz up to this point in my life ive gone out of my way for others to make sure they feel understood, but not once has anyone put that same energy towards me. Which is why I’m hesitant to continue trying to form new close relationships, whats the point when all my prior experiences have shown how little most people give a shit about forming lasting strong connections that stand the test of time. Even the bare minimum of asking someone to educate themselves on the autistic experience so they can begin to try understand my experience, is somehow too much to ask and too high of an expectation.

Anyways I’m done venting for now and its finally time for me to sleep after being awake for 24+ hrs lmao k bye

#/end rant #oversharing on tumblr is my form of therapy #if u read the whole thing pls like the post cuz it helps me feel less alone #or just ignore me either one is perfectly fine don’t waste ur time with this #i think this is a result of pmdd symptoms but still it feels real and heavy even if this feeling will eventually go away #only to return a month later and the cycle repeats for eternity

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