#i am done making up excuses for you and justifying your behaviors and blaming myself for everything you did | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

briamichellewrites · 1 year

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102

Linkin Park was hanging out with Elliot while they filmed another episode for their web series. She had shown up wearing one of Mike’s flannels with jean shorts and a cropped shirt. They were doing their usual joking around after introducing her to the camera. She had just come back from dropping Mike off at rehab with Jason. It had gone well. He had gone through an extensive intake process before being admitted. They exchanged hugs and told him they loved him.

She looked good, like always. Her hair was what they would call punk rock. Chester asked her how she was doing. She was awesome. Did they want to hear a funny story? Hell yeah! She had been at some industry party, she couldn’t remember what it was for.

But, she was just hanging out when Richie Sambora came over to her drunk. They made a conversation for a while until he asked her to hook up. Did he know she was only sixteen? She told him that, but he was drunk. So, he wasn’t fully aware of what was going on. He kept trying to get her to hook up with him. She finally had enough and grabbed a drink.

Just as she was about to throw it at him, Jon Bon Jovi came over with David Bryan. She decided that she better not throw the drink, so she walked away. Jon followed her outside and made sure she was okay. Did she know it was him?

“Well, another guy came out with him and, no. Once I figured out that I almost threw a drink at Richie Sambora, I started freaking the fuck out. They asked if I was a fan and I was like, fuck yeah!”

“What a way to meet your favorite band”, Brad said.

“That’s what I said. Jon, David Bryan, and Tico all apologized to me for his behavior. They then invited me to hang out with them. My mind was in a constant state of, what the fuck is going on!”

They laughed. Chester made sure she was okay. Oh, yeah. She thought it was hilarious! Before leaving the party, she exchanged phone numbers with Jon, in case she decided to press charges of harassment.

Richie was in hot water for getting drunk. He felt horrible for his behavior, especially toward an underage girl. A fan, at that. He wanted to apologize to her but first, he needed to sober up. Jon had texted her to make sure she was okay. Yeah, she was. She was more amused than anything. Okay, good. The band was thankful that she was not going to take legal action against Richie or the band. He was a liability, but they didn’t want to fire him because he was their brother.

When filming was over and the camera crew had left, Brad asked her about her father. Was she talking to him? No, but she was going to see him in court. Why were they going to court? She had sued him for emancipation. Oh, yeah. She had done everything required of her legally. They just had to have a judge make it official. Her lawyer thought she had a good chance of winning.

Did she want a relationship with him? She didn’t know because she was still angry. Her therapist wanted her to at least talk to him. What she was worried about was hurting Mike’s feelings. Phoenix thought he would want her to do what was best for her, not him and that he would respect whatever decision she made. The band agreed. She still wasn’t sure. That was fair. She didn’t have to make that decision yet. What did George say?

He told her that he didn’t like what happened but he couldn’t tell her what to do. She was going to visit Mike but she didn’t know if there was a time limit or anything, so she was going to text Jason and ask. As she got her phone out, she found a text from Richie apologizing to her personally for his behavior.

“Elliot, I want to apologize for my behavior last night. I am deeply ashamed of myself. I will not make excuses or try to justify my actions because it will never excuse what I did. I understand that you wanted to throw your drink at me but decided not to. If you did, I would not have blamed you. I am so deeply sorry and I hope that one day, I can make it up to you. – Richie”

“That’s a good apology. What are you going to tell him”, Joe asked.

“Thank you for your apology. I’m sure Jon kicked your ass. Get some help, mother fucker”, she joked.

Was that what she was going to say? No! They laughed. Despite what happened, Jon, David, and Tico thought Elliot was a joy to talk to! She was beautiful. The kind of beautiful that turned heads. She was funny and had a magnetic personality. Jon looked her up online once he was alone. He found that she was the daughter of Brad Pitt from a former relationship. She was also a former child actress and model for Kate Spade. He thought she looked like a model!

She had stopped acting when she was ten years old and had kind of disappeared from the industry for a few years. Until she came back with the name of Elliot Ryan Pitt. Her former name had been Jayde Lucy Johnson. He wondered why she changed it. Maybe her agent had her change it. He didn’t know. The daughter of Brad Pitt. Wow. She had good genes!

He used to be friends with Brad in the eighties and nineties but they had lost contact over the years. It wasn’t anything he took personally. They just got busy. It happened. Looking through his phone, he found his number. He decided to call and see how he was doing. Brad was at home when he called. He was thrilled to be talking to an old friend! How was he doing? I think I met your daughter last night. He told him the story. Brad laughed.

That sounds like her. I haven’t heard from her in two years. He stopped as he processed that. Two years? Why? He told him what happened. She had to tell her foster father that his girlfriend had been caught cheating on him. Now, she was suing him for emancipation. He apologized. Thank you. He was going to figure out how to get in contact with her. How was he doing?

Mike brought a sketchbook and a pencil to use during his downtime to either write raps or draw. He hadn’t done either in a long time because his mind was consumed with depression. During his first session with his therapist, they went over the affair. It was the first time he was forced to confront his anger toward Anna and Brad for their betrayal. They not only hurt him, but they also hurt Elliot. She was just a child. That made him the angriest. Who was Elliot?

“She is my former foster daughter, but I think of her as my daughter and my best friend.”

“How old is she?”

“She’s sixteen, but she doesn’t have the stereotypical teenage attitude. She doesn’t talk back and she’s not embarrassed by me. Instead, she’s one of the sweetest and funniest people I’ve ever met.”

Her father was the one whose girlfriend cheated on him and she had caught them in bed together. She had to call him and tell him, so he thought she had a lot going guilt about that. He told her that it wasn’t her fault but he didn’t know if she believed him. She moved out of her father’s and in with him for two years. Then, she moved out and filed for emancipation against her father. He had nothing but love and pride for her.

After hanging out with the boys, Elliot went home with Joe and Phoenix to continue hanging out. They were met by an angry Bruce. You abandoned me, human! Joe bent over and scratched his head. He also got a head scratch from Phoenix. Okay, that was good enough. They were forgiven. Joe laughed as they went into the kitchen, so she could work on making dinner for them.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @thewriternia

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pure-kirarin · 3 years

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Slow & Steady [P6] [Sabo x f!reader] (+18)

A/N : Hello ! I wanted to start by thanking you guys for the AMAZING responses on chapter 5. This makes me want to continue investing in this story !! I read all of your messages and I cherish them, they make me want to continue. I'd also like to thank my beta reader for her hard work. I hope that you will enjoy this chapter as much as the others.

Please always tell me your opinion as it’s my kryptonite ! Also feel free to ask to get tagged.

Synopsis : Isn’t love a matter of timing after all ? That’s what Sabo has always thought. It was about finding the right tempo, making the right moves and hitting the right spot. Patience is a virtue after all, and he had a lot of it. It all started when your ex cheated on you. You were heartbroken, you needed someone and he was there. Was he always that hot ? You didn’t know. But after that night you have never seen him in the same way. Chapter Warning : Smoking (cigarettes) - mention of ex relationships AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/31877203/chapters/81748033

P I - P2 - P3 - P4 - P5 - P6

I made a playlist for this chapter but I suggest you listen to it after ! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3posJHlUg1XFJzQbPkjF0J

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The crimson-haired man ceased to look at you, as if it hurt to do so. Your lack of response discouraged him. How could it be otherwise? You had created a narrative where he was a cheater, believed in it, ended the relationship - all of this without him knowing; without him even doubting it. It was ironic enough that he who saw so clearly in the future, he who knew how to read people’s moves so easily was totally blind when it came to love. Or maybe had he tried to blind himself? To overlook the fact that you weren’t answering your phone anymore? To find excuses upon excuses for you? He had always been that type of person after all. As a big brother, as a “responsible” person, it was second nature to him to bottle up his feelings and to never lose composure. And even in this moment, he couldn’t tell you how much your actions hurt him.

But for once, he accepted the fact that he saw a future that you weren’t a part of. Deep down, he knew that by overlooking the signs and hints, he has also played a role in the downfall of your relationship.

He saw it too clearly: you weren’t his anymore. Just like when you excluded him from the decision making, choosing to put an end to your relationship on your own - you didn’t even have the courage to tell him that yourself. He had to do the same: fill in the gaps and read between the lines. He remained silent for a moment. He got up from his seat when he gave up on you saying anything.

He moved towards the door, ready to leave all your shared memories behind his back.

People don’t always get the closure they need in order to move on, he knew that too well.

“Katakuri,” you called for his name weakly. He didn’t know if it was his imagination or if you had really pronounced his name. He turned his head towards you, unimpressed.

Your heart was pounding hard in your chest. You knew that if you let him go now you would regret it forever. You knew that you had to tell him about everything. He deserved it, after all. It was hard to be the bad guy of the story. But you had been a bitch and you had to face the consequences of your behavior. Wasn’t that what being an adult meant?

“There is something else that I think you need to know,” He seemed interested now. He was listening to you without turning your way.

“I apologize for everything that I have done and I know that you will probably not forgive me and honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't either.” You took a deep breath before going on. “What I am going to say might be hard to hear, but I feel like you need to know it.”

You don’t know exactly how the rest followed, nor how you found the courage to tell him about everything. You didn’t get to any details, it would have been too cruel, but you told him what he needed to know.

“I am really sorry, but I think that it’s best for us to split up. My feelings have changed, I have caused enough damage as it is. I think that it’s better for both of us. I am really sorry I hurt you.”

You looked down and from this angle you couldn’t see his smile. It was bitter, the smile of someone that had seen all of this coming. And yet, he was relieved that you confided in him. It was the closure he needed after all. At least now, he could move on.

* * *

The cigarette trembled between your index and middle finger. Your head was clouded. It took too much effort to try and empty your head, to try not to think of what was going to happen. You had lost so much already and what you were going to lose was beyond repair. With every breath you took, you felt your stomach contract and your legs get weaker. It was one of those days when you wished you hadn't woken up. Despite all of this, a feeling of peace submerged you. Peace? Maybe because you had been honest to your ex, maybe because you were trying to be honest to yourself. What got you into this situation was your indecision after all. You didn’t want to hide anymore.

If you can’t see it, then it doesn’t exist. This mentality of yours had to change and you were going to change it tonight. It was the best opportunity, it had to happen, you had to grow. Maybe to some extent, your “romantic” failures weren’t all to blame on others, maybe you also played a role, maybe you weren’t ready yet. Didn’t Sabo say the same thing?

“I thought that you stopped a long time ago.”

A firm voice broke your trance. His hand snitched the cigarette from your lips before putting it out with the sole of his shoe.

“Hey!” You whined in protest, features softening when you were met with his dark eyes.

“I did quit. But I was stressed,” you tried to justify yourself. “I needed it.” You mumbled.

“Bullshit. You always have the choice.” He shrugged and took place next to you on the sidewalk.

Choices, decisions, you were already done with all of this. An awkward silence swallowed the atmosphere, but it seemed as if it was only awkward for you.

Now that you had nothing to do with your fingers and mouth, you started scratching at your wrist slightly - a nervous tic.

The ambience of the park offered you, however, a feeling of safety. The darkness hid your embarrassment. He was now sitting next to you and it was as if words deserted your mind. He didn’t want to pressure you, he didn’t say anything. Under the moonlight, his blond hair took on a silvery shade. He kept looking in front of him, hands in his pockets. Silence didn’t bother him, he knew that something was wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t have texted him to come to the park at around midnight.

Truth is, you couldn’t calm down, you felt like you had to come clear about this whole situation, you felt like you had to make a decision. You felt that if you let today pass, then you would find one hundred excuses and hide again.

It was now or never.

“Sabo,” you started.

“Y/N,” he mirrored your answer.

“I’m going to tell you something... But please don’t judge me, alright?”

“Have I ever judged you?” He arched an eyebrow, his eyes meeting yours, making you switch your gaze almost instantly.

“Well... You have... Like that time I used the microwave at your place…”

“Y/N, you microwaved a fork…” You fake pouted as you playfully punched his arm.

“Well, the fork was in the bowl and Ace was there and he didn’t say anything! Not my fault.”

“And you trusted Ace?” he smiled and held your wrist to stop you. “He’s a living disaster. You guys can’t do anything without me, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah. What would I do without my Mr. know-it-all of a best friend?” you laughed it off.

Best friend. That word reminded you of the reason why you contacted him so late. You coughed two times, trying to switch his attention to you. Laughing things off helped ease the atmosphere. You twirled a hair strand around your finger then started as if you were going to give a speech.

“Hey, I’m gonna try to... be decisive…”

“That’s some character development.”

“Sabo!”

“Sorry, couldn’t help myself,” he said with a sweet smile. You sighed and started bouncing your leg nervously.

“So If I called you tonight it’s not to have the pleasure of your company… and it’s not to rip you off your precious hours of sleep... It’s also not to... ”

Noticing that you were starting to diverge from the topic, he held your hand in his softly and gave you an encouraging look. Honestly speaking, he didn’t have much patience around others but he had loads of it with you.

“I called you for something else. And don’t you dare hang up on me next time! I want to have a serious conversation about…everything, about us, and most importantly about…” you sighed before continuing “About my ex situation.”

He took his hand off yours now that you seemed calmer. He was surprised by your willingness to talk about such matters. It was a pleasant surprise to him, it meant that you wanted to take things in hand, that you were growing.

“I’m listening to you.”

“I thought that it was only fair for you to know as well... that I fucked up pretty badly. I assumed that my ex cheated on me and as it turns out, he didn’t. I just learned it this evening so I feel very confused and bad. It’s a long story. It was just me, assuming things because I was scared and because I feared confrontation. Then everything happened so fast between you and me... I shouldn’t have... I feel very ashamed. For him, for you, for acting so immature.”

Your voice cracked and you couldn’t hold your tears any more. You looked down and started wiping your tears with both hands on your face. You didn’t want to cry in front of him because you had caused him pain as well. Sometimes not taking action is also an action and it has consequences.

You didn’t dare look at him, did he look disappointed? Did he stop loving you? After all, you didn’t even know the reason behind his love. Maybe he was “playing games” too as that anon suggested on Reddit. No, you couldn’t afford to assume things again now. You had to be honest, raw, vulnerable. You couldn’t see his reaction through your tears, but you felt his hand on the top of your head, gently bringing you towards him, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Wow, this really sucks.” You were surprised by his reaction, but the fact that it wasn’t one of disappointment as well as his easy-going demeanour released your stress. You started sobbing, shoulders shaking. He didn’t know how to react at first, but one thing he knew for sure: you came first, and he hated to see you cry.

“Shh... Here, here... It’s okay to cry... Let it all out...” He then continued “It’s going to turn out just fine. You can count on me, okay?”

“I was a really bad person. I should’ve acted differently. I should’ve at least told you... or Nami or someone... but I just... assumed things... I was so scared that you’d stop... that you’d stop being my... friend... And stop loving me…”

His grip tightened around your shoulder as he pressed you a bit closer to him. He offered you a warm smile as he spoke in the same light note.

“Well, whatever happened, happened. I don’t think that you are a bad person. You’re human and you made a mistake that you’re now aware of. I know that you had no ill intentions. At least you learned something, hm? And about me... Aren’t you underestimating me a bit?” He smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Did you forget that I’m Luffy and Ace’s brother? I’m tough, you know.”

You were overwhelmed by his kindness, and this just made you realize that it wasn’t only about your feelings, you couldn’t count on everyone else to put up with you and clear up your mess.

“Sabo, you’re so kind.” Despite your mascara running under your eyes and you looking like a total mess, he found you incredibly beautiful. He felt proud, he knew how hard it was for you to go through all of this. He felt like it was worth it that he had loved you for this long, you were honest and strong, even if you weren’t aware of that strength, you had proven it in this moment.

“I’m not being kind.” He meant it; after all, his intentions weren’t all that innocent towards you, he had wanted you from the start. “I’m just being truthful, as your best friend.”

Maybe he wanted more, but he was content being your friend as well. Since for him everything needed time, he had no right to rush you.

Love is a matter of timing after all. Too fast and all of his subtle efforts would go to waste.

“About that... I mean... The “best friends” part...” He could easily see your chest heaving with your breath. Your heartbeat raising little by little until it was unbearable, your lower lip slightly trembling as you dreaded the weight of the words you were going to pronounce. He looked at you with genuine interest and curiosity; he laid off a bit, turning your way.

“I don’t think that we could act this way anymore...” You dug your nails into the palm of your hand nervously.

“I... told Katakuri about everything. I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore because of how things have changed. I can’t be here and pretend that nothing happened when so much did…”

“Nothing has changed for me.” He said in a stable voice, trying to anticipate your reaction. Despite being sure of himself, of every step he had taken till now, he felt a hint of uncertainty, for this was a variable that he hadn’t taken into consideration.

“But everything changed for me, and I can’t ignore it. I can’t continue to play pretend... Of course it was convenient for me... And I didn’t wanna lose... Whatever it is that we have. But I didn’t realize that it had already changed. I can’t be your friend anymore, Sabo. Not like this. Not with these thoughts in mind. Not after…” Y our eyes flicked from his lips to his eyes and back. “After... everything we did.”

You didn’t give more reasons, but your eyes gave one hundred more.

We can’t be friends because I touched myself to the thought of you. Because I can’t help but think about being with you. Because I don’t stand the thought of you being with someone else. Because I love the way your arms fit around me. Because I love everything about you, from the way you say my name to these stupid blond eyelashes that reflect the light everytime you blink. And most importantly... because I love your way of loving me unconditionally.

As much as I want you...

As much as you want me back...

I can’t be with you, not now, because it would hurt me and hurt you even more, because I have to make a decision, because I can’t draw the line between love and lust and because I am afraid to wrong you in the way I was wronged.

But just for a moment, just for this time, you wanted to kiss him just one last time. You wanted to get intoxicated by that mint smell that you have grown addicted to. He looked at you as he drank your words, eyes reflecting the darkness of the sky. His piercing gaze seemed to understand your dilemma. Suddenly, the emptiness of the park felt too weighty and the air too heavy.

“Say something,” you pleaded, almost begging him to break the silence.

To words, he preferred actions. Before you even realized, he captured your lips into the kiss you were longing for. His hand was fast to encircle your back, pressing your upper body against his. Your fingers instinctively reached for the fabric of his shirt, tugging on it as to pull him closer. For him to kiss you so passionately, it only made you realize his burning desire for you. The more you kissed in an attempt to ease your craving, the hungrier you got for his lips, for his stupid minty taste. But it wasn’t nearly enough for you, the growing warmth and tingles created a desire that you were unable to appease yet. You pressed your legs together when his free hand gently rubbed your thigh. He kissed you deeply, almost willing you into giving up on your decision to give in to his embrace. He was indeed that good of a kisser, making you want to shift into his lap and have him inside of you. You whined at this thought growing more eager, tongue chasing his, teeth nibbling on his lips. But you eventually had to break the kiss, even when you prayed for the seconds to last for hours, it was bound to end. You took a moment to collect your breath again. His eyes were demanding, pupils dilated and greedy, yours were more modest, shifty.

“Looked like you were dying for it.”

He broke the silence, finger tracing your neck before lifting up your chin, making you lose composure as you looked into his deep gaze. It was too late to deny it, you were indeed dying for it. But instead of satiating you, that kiss felt like the promise of something forbidden. You only groaned meekly as an answer, feeling too weak to actively protest. You indulged in his embrace, resting your head in the crease of his neck. You breathed in his scent, even his hair smelled fresh like mint. As you took in a bigger gulp of air, you could inhale the subtleties of a thyme or violet underlying smell. What shampoo did he use? Another diverging thought that you discarded.

You closed your eyes. “Can we stay like this for a little longer?” you asked, and who was he to deny you so little? He revelled in your desperate need for his touch. He felt needed, wanted, but he knew that he shouldn’t get carried away, he knew that it wasn’t the right timing yet. So he just let you sink into his warmth. For now.

You peeled yourself off of him reluctantly. Your eyes avoided his. Nice progress ,he thought, but there was still need for improvement.

“I can’t be selfish, not anymore. I have to make a decision. I am sorry I can’t make up my mind yet.” Your voice cut through the silence, firm, yet not devoid of sensitivity.

You needed time, it was clear, but he was nothing if not patient with you. He was ready to settle for your friendship for now while he worked for your love, but he liked your idea more. He wasn’t one to push his emotions onto you, he was there to lead the dance, to toss a bottle into the sea. If good news came then good for him, if nothing came out then he had gambled and lost. But he wasn’t as detached and passive as things might have seemed, as he took multiple variables into consideration to place his best bet.

“Take all the time you need.” Not an ounce of annoyance was to be detected in his voice. It was steady, a rock that couldn’t be moved. He had what it took, he knew what he wanted and he was ready to wait for it because he had the deep belief that you were worth the wait.

“Why are you so patient? Don’t you think you’re too confident? Aren’t you scared? ” It was genuine curiosity, but you bit your tongue realizing that your words might’ve seemed cocky or doubting. His lips stretched into a roguish smile, making him devastatingly handsome. And here he was, a Sabo that you had encountered a few times between two eyelash beats. It was so destabilizing, the way he morphed into a totally different person from one second to another, giving you a strange feeling. It was something that you couldn’t fully place yet. He kept escaping from your grip while being totally still. He was like sand between your fingers and you were fascinated by the prospect of catching him.

“I thought that it was obvious, doll.” Here he goes again, calling you sweet names and raising the rhythm of your heartbeats. How did he make everything sound good? You would’ve scoffed at anyone else calling you ‘doll’, but that voice of his made it sound oh so appealing. Or maybe it was the seed of desire that he had planted in your core, that was now growing and blossoming, vines intertwining with your lungs.

He got closer again, black eyes scrutinizing yours.

“You can have all the time you need. What I want is simple, non-negotiable, immutable.”

At first he was startled; your ex appearing out of nowhere seemed like an inconvenience, but after giving it some thought, he realized that he was in luck. He didn’t have to make you choose, the choice was there for you to make.

“And what is it that you want?”

“You. But all of you.” He looked you up and down as he said this then got up. He wasn’t the type to settle for less. He wanted no compromises, no half-open doors, no half assed answers. If he wanted something then it was all of it, out of respect for you and for himself. Another reason was probably that he knew: the longer the chase, the bigger the prize.

He got up since he considered that the conversation was over now and it was also getting late. You looked at him, eyes wide open, cheeks aflame. His voice trailed off, cutting through the silence.

“No rush, I think that it’s better for you to focus on your exams for now. Will you manage without my help?” Another charming smile, shifting back to that playful Sabo you have always known. The mood felt less serious now.

“I think I’ll do just fine this time…” you smiled gently, following his lead.

“Good, then. Good night.” He put his hand on your head, softly ruffling your hair before turning back. He seemed a bit more distant now, like he was plunged into some deep reverie. You instinctively got up, looking intensely at his back slowly fading into the darkness. Before his silhouette got completely enveloped, you shouted.

“Sabo!”

He turned back instantly and you threw something in the air towards him. He was quick to catch it.

“I don’t think I need these anymore. Take them!”

He opened his hands, looking at the packet of menthol cigarettes and a blue lighter. He put it into his back pocket prior to giving you a proud smile. He then continued his way back home, leaving you behind. You felt both relieved because things had gotten a bit clearer, yet apprehensive since your feelings were still very much unclear. But maybe what you felt above all was exhaustion. You looked for a moment at your empty hands. Did you make the right choice? Whether it was good or bad, you couldn’t care less. At least you had acted true to yourself.

tag list : @chloenanami @mwls-garden @soanywaysistartedsimping @portgaslari @lofi-coffee @donvampiro @fishandfuck @vemuabhi @gabrielasalazar18 @kiriechanx

#slow and steady #sabo x reader #sabo the revolutionary #one piece x reader #one piece sabo #sabo #one piece imagines #one piece scenario #one piece fanfiction #sabo x you #sabo imagines #revolutionary sabo #charlotte katakuri #katakuri x reader

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lettersfromxadia · 3 years

Text

I’m sorry.

For everyone I have hurt and all I have done. I let my pain, hurt, and desperation justify being hateful and mentally abusive, and I’m sorry.

My behavior was unacceptable. I am leaving this fandom and getting the therapy I need. I’ve been broken for a long time, but that is not an excuse for these abusive cycles and tendencies. Nobody else is to blame for my thoughts. I was wrong in crying out and naming names. I thought it was my only choice, but they did nothing wrong and it was emotionally manipulative attempts to guilt trip.

In desperation and self loathing I justified so many immortal and awful things: tagging main accounts, naming names, and guilt tripping into trying to make people feel bad. Because I needed help. that help, however, cannot come from others and isn’t owed to me by them. I have to help myself, and owe it to the world to fight and try. My mental illness and self hatred, my struggles, are not an excuse for this behavior. Ever.

I know I’ll never be forgiven and that’s okay. I made repeated mistakes trying to fight this. But pain and trauma is never an excuse to utilize abusive tactics to inflict that on others, and that’s what I was doing. A vindictive part of me wanted revenge.

I’ve let this cycle go on for months hurting people, and it needs to end. So I’m stepping away and getting therapy. End of story. I’m sorry for anyone I hurt or scared last night. I’m human. that’s not an excuse for my past behavior, but a promise to improve myself.

I understand why people have me blocked, and it was right to be called out for my toxic behavior. You don’t have to change your opinion of me, unblock me, not hate me, or forgive me. I have to move on accepting I won’t have a place here and will never regain that. It will never be the same.

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully heal from that loss and trauma, if I’ll ever forgive myself. Maybe I’m not meant to. What I know is this past day has been a full wake up call, and I am getting the therapy I need to heal and better myself.

I owe that to myself and all of you. I think I’ll put this in the main tags for one night so everyone who saw my last post (which has been deleted) and was hurt or frightened can see this. After this there will be no more posts, and I will leave the fandom until I am healed.

I never meant to hurt anyone, and I am truly sorry for all that I did. All I’ve ever wanted was a narrative of love, but in my toxic cycles of self loathing and posting I was dragging this on and contributing to the opposite. I genuinely believed the things I wrote, but I should have recognized that that was my mind twisting things-- not feelings to post about and accuse people of. Putting those words in people’s mouths was not okay.

I don’t know if I’ll get through this, if I’ll ever be able to fully heal from the loss and what I did, but I am going to try and get help and believe in myself. You can hate me. You can never forgive me. That’s okay, I’ve earned it.

While I’m done, just please make it narrative of love for everyone else. I’m done hurting people, I’m done fueling this toxic cycle, and I am done looking for validation in the wrong places. I must help myself.

I don’t expect to earn your trust. I don’t expect anyone to unblock. I don’t expect your forgiveness. All I hope is to earn your belief in my apology. And that is the work I am going to do while I leave this space which has been harming me/ others and get the help I need.

#tdp therapy #tdptherapy #the dragon prince #dragon prince #tdp #netflix #netflix series #the dragon prince fandom #dragon prince fandom #tdp fandom #letters from xadia #rayla #callum #xadia reblogs

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oceantail-oceantail · 3 years

Text

context for this post:

Dream posted this pastebin in the speedrunning discord as a full apology to the mods, the community, and specific people (Geosquare, Couriway, Korbanoes).

(Korbanoes isn't mentioned in the pastebin because Dream forgot, but he can't edit the pastebin, so he just apologized in the discord)

transcript under the cut.

I thought I would write up this apology to the speedrun community / discord / mod team, as my document I posted on my twitter was more of an explanation than an apology and I felt the need to more directly apologize.

--- Speedrun Mods ---

I have spoken to many of the speedrun moderators in private and apologized in the past and recently for my behaviors back when the speedrun drama was going on. Although I won't make the specifics of these apologies public, I will directly apologize to them here. I'm sorry to the mod team for causing a shitstorm on Twitter and Youtube and elsewhere with my aggressive and condescending tweets and language. I have explained my mindset during the time period, but that doesn't justify or excuse any of my actions or words. I am truly sorry for the way that I reacted and wish that I could have controlled my emotions better. I'm sorry for any negative things this may have caused for you, I accept responsibility for not doing everything that I could have to prevent them. I can explain my mindset during these situations, but intention is not as important when there was a negative outcome due to my actions. I'm sorry, and I want to continue to make it up to the mod team in any way that I can.

I believe that Geosquare deserves my biggest apologies. I've spoken to Geosquare since, and we have made up with each other and are on good terms, I will not make the contents of our discussions public however I will apologize to him directly here. I'm sorry for the way that I acted towards you, as under no circumstances is that kind of behavior okay. Tweeting out for millions to see calling you a clout chaser and accusing your intentions of being vindictive couldn't have done anything but cause harm. I regret essentially everything that I said to you in private, and in public in the speedrun discord or in tweets. I was full of anger and fear and I let these emotions get the best of me while not at all caring about the effect my actions would have on you as an individual. Although this was almost a year ago, I'm sure that you still face problems today due to the size of my audience and the harshness of my words. I apologize and I want to make it up to you in any way that I can. Since this issue I have made an effort to better control my negative emotions, and be more clear and direct about avoiding hate and harassment. I hope that these are things that can be noticed, and that I can continue to improve upon. Having a large audience means you have to be responsible with it, and I wasn't at all during the situation in December. I am sorry and although you have said you have forgiven me, I still feel terrible and hope that we can better our relationship going forward.

--- Speedrun Community ---

As a Youtuber, I always felt like a bit of an outsider to the speedrun community. I tried my best to promote top runners and make friends with speedrunners and participate in discussions in the discord and elsewhere. I tried to involve the community in competitions, and I tried to do my best to assist the mods with cleaning up the leaderboard from cheaters. I really wanted to be a part of the community because it was something that I loved doing and I really became attached to it. Even before the speedrun drama, there was an instance where I falsely accused a popular runner "Couriway" of cheating. There was a misunderstanding and I jumped the gun in saying something in their Twitch chat about doubts that I had regarding their recent run. I don't think I ever got a chance to apologize to them, so I just want to do so here. I'm sorry Couriway for incorrectly accusing you of cheating. I completely understand how that must have felt and I am extremely sorry. I should never have said something in your Twitch chat, and I should have completely left it up to the mods to do their jobs. I regret this and I regret not having apologized to you sooner. I won't attempt to justify my actions here, but I have added you back on discord and if you would like to chat more about it I am completely willing.

As for to the community, I know that due to this situation being one of the biggest dramas that Minecraft has ever had, it brought a lot of hate and strife to the community. I contributed directly to this by arguing with people in the discord and on twitter, and fueled fans of mine by saying hateful things. I am sorry for this. I understand being doubtful of my explanation, and don't think it's unreasonable to assume that I am being dishonest. While I was not aware that I was running any disallowed modifications, that is completely my fault. I should have been much more reasonable and level headed and done my duty as someone submitting a run to the leaderboards. I explained my mindset during this situation in the other paste, but I want to make it clear that it was not at all a justification or a way of excusing the things that I said or did. Although I believe that there was poor communication on both sides, at the end of the day it is completely my responsibility to make sure that any run I submit has integrity and I failed to do so. I was completely in the wrong, and I argued like an idiot for months not wanting to even explore the fact that I could be. I tunnel visioned and because of that, I ended up arguing an unintentional lie and causing harm to people who were just trying to be fair. This could have been for many reasons, but I blame my ego and the fact that sometimes I just can't accept when I'm wrong. There is no one to blame but myself, and I take responsibility for that. The way I used my influence while saying negative and aggression provoking things was not okay at all and something that I am ashamed of. Since almost a year ago, I have been doing my best to reflect on this and improve as a creator that is new to the spotlight. I have nothing but respect for the mod team, speedrunners and the speedrun community. You are not obligated to forgive me or to accept my apology in any way, but I am sorry for the damage that I caused and wish that I could go back and change the way things went. I like to think that I have had a positive impact on Minecraft speedrunning overall, but that's wishful thinking including the stain that this situation put on the community. I am sorry.

I took all of my runs that I have ever submitted down from speedrun.com personally myself, including the ones that were still up and verified. I also messaged a member of the mod team requesting that I be banned from submitting runs in the future even though I was told before that this wouldn't happen. I think that is a fair result, and I have no plans on submitting runs in the future and haven't since October of last year and since my run was removed. I never intended any harm to the community and I still want the speedrun community to flourish as much as it can. I pledged to donate money I made from the response video to speedrunning, and I did to a live speedrunning tournament that featured a lot of the top runners last month, Break The Record Live. One of my goals since joining the community was to try and help speedrunners turn speedrunning from a hobby into a livable job, and I tried to accomplish that by frequently raiding, donating to, and bringing up runners throughout the community. I still plan to do that, and although I know money doesn't show intentions, I would like to pledge an additional $50,000, that I will be donating to speedrunners of all sizes from the Minecraft community on Twitch over the next month or so.

The reason that I decided to make the post that I did the other day was to provide closure to the community on an issue that should have been resolved almost a year ago. I hope that this accomplishes that if even a little bit. Again, I am sorry to the mod team and the community for all the problems that came from this drama and hope to continue improving as an individual.

- love dream

#dreamwastaken #transcript #also dont say in the replies/tags that dream 'didn't have to make this apology'#he definitely did and im glad he did #this was SO much better than his first pastebin explanation #and i’m glad he put it in the discord and not on twitter where stans would jump to defend him #the first pastebin was more of just admission of guilt #THIS is a real apology

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mobang-ja · 3 years

Text

rules & info

updated: 6/1/2021

hey uhh, its ya boi uh, skinny penis. this is run by, me, sav (hello!!). i love writing and i love writing for my favorite characters. i enjoy things such as art and kpop, so i am always open to talk about that too!! im pretty blunt but i like to consider myself a chill author. im here for a good time and you are too so dont be nervous. (๑❛ᴗ❛๑)

blog navi | about me | masterpost

➣ support: yagami yato.

➣ creates: dark content and or promote it as therapy because its fucking not. this means, creating or consuming (write, read, draw, etc) any media with these harmful topics without any actual repercussions of such work…

⟶ content that involves; rape, incest, and underage characters/reader in sexual situations, support pedophilic stories and/or ship, ⎆headcanon and or turn characters into incels.

➣ purposely trigger and harm others.

⟶ not tagging the media you produce to be spiteful, purposefully talking about triggering subjects around people who can be triggered, send and harass others on anonymous and any other capacity.

➣ an apologist/phobic for anything problematic.

⟶ abuse; excusing people/characters actions, victim blaming, justifying reasons, use your own trauma to excuse and defend either abusers or your own actions.

↳ SOME ex: “well im a survivor of xyz and i see nothing wrong with xyz” “i have been through xyz and your situation compares nothing to mine” “well if they paid attention xyz wouldnt have happened” “maybe if they didnt react like that (abuser) wouldnt have reacted” “its not as serious as people make it to be”

⟶ racism; |⎆specifically if you’re (not limited to) straight or white (or both) and make them homophobic, racist, transphobic and etc.| (not limited to) use unrealistic comparisons to justify police brutality, substitute the black for “xyz lives matter”, microaggression, use slurs, make fun of accents, anti-black, think “blackwashing” is real, send hate to poc creators, and ONLY cancel poc people (especially black people).

↳ SOME ex: excusing a white person doing a harmful behavior but crucifying a black/poc for doing the same, excusing white people stealing from black/poc creators, using ethnic names for yourself although you dont have permissions and or have done research, gaslight poc people mainly black people about harmful depictions and etc.

⟶ fetishsizing; minors, races, cultures/customs, lgbtq+ (gay relationships and trans people especially).

↳ SOME ex: this may be picky but if youre 22+ and only age up to 18-19, use the “well its a timeskip” brainless excuse, sexualize minor clothing excessively (uniforms), think loli/shota is okay and if you ARE 1) loli/shotacon and or 2) think its okay to sexualize children please go die, think that a fetish for a race is appreciation when its not, appropriating cultures and gaslight poc voices when speaking up about it, only read yaoi/bl for arousal.

➣ make no effort to understand that bullying is very different from: calling someone out | holding someone accountable | cancelling (depends on the situation).

⟶ or bring up peoples past mistakes to hurt them even though they have changed; and or blow up people’s mistakes to hurt their image.

(LMK if you have someone in mind, i might of missed + its just best to ask lol!):

✪ = im more inclined!

∞ = more experienced!

↪ find out if i write for your fave here!

i am fine with most kinks, just don’t give me:

incest

scat

vomit

really weird inflation

vore

feet

underage

↪ everything else is fine, just ask first if you’re weary about anything! you can find what i normally write here.

adni [ㅃㅇ| ⚠️]

adults audiences if you are 20+ and were not part of the fandom when you were 16/17 do NOT read/interact any of my student content. the only exceptions is if they have turned 18+. if this is upsetting to you, block me and move along. there are many more writers who are more willing to let you consume their content.

↪ while not all but most instances i personally have experienced that individuals who are over 24 support nonces or are nonces themselves and it makes me extremely uncomfortable especially with the rise of underage content going on.

yadni [노잼| ⚠️]

younger audiences who are not 16+ please do not read my yandere stories. people who are younger do not understand the difference with overall dark content. from personal experience its true. although right now i necessarily will not write anything too dark with yandere, there are other people who do write more extreme yandere themes and i am not comfortable in indirectly promoting that. this is for your safety.

dcdni [ㅗㅗ| ⚠️]

dark content/heavy 18+ creators please do not interact with my sfw. not much to say and nothing personal. i am just not comfortable.

i will only do requests i am comfortable with.

PLEASE ASK ME IF I AM COMFORTABLE WITH ANYTHING BEFORE SENDING A REQUEST. now, this does not mean dont request anything risque, it just means that if i dont feel comfortable doing it i wont write it.

please be kind.

please dont be rude or berate me for any of my writing choices. i will never intend to ever hurt anyone. also dont hate what anyone requests either. everyone here is here for a good time.

be specific of the request.

if you have a certain idea in your head, please be as specific as you can. enough that i can give you what you want as the finish product. if you are vague i’ll just come up with something on my own.

mention if you want m(ale),f(emale), or g(ender neutral).

for the gender neutral, i will not write smut because as referenced as before, i dont feel like i’ll be able to write it good and make you, the reader, happy. again, its me, not you.

please put either sfw, nsfw, or both.

i often have to get a little frustrated when people dont put that they want it to be nsfw or sfw, because ik some people dont like sex and stuff and i want people to be comfortable. so if you want nsfw, please say so. or i will have to write sfw as default.

i only write for fandoms listed here.

a few reblogs/works on my main will be from different fandoms, but because its my blog i dont care lol. if you want me to write something for a different character, DM me because i write for different fandoms on my other writing accounts, you may find more on my ao3.

i am not accepting more than 5 characters per request.

yes i said i love long requests, but pls no. and if you are requesting more than five characters, pls specify if it is separate or together.

no politics.

just no. i wont even mention it. you might see a few if it runs something deep within me (its mostly just awareness), but otherwise i will try to only post pics, fics, and encouragement. : ) this would include government, touchy subjects, etc;

definitely send memes, even random shit,,, i’ll probably respond to it.

do i need to explain that –

i dont mind who reads and interacts with me or my blog/content, but if you are not 16-17 (older or younger), please ask to DM me first.

i am okay with any interactions on my blog! i dont feel uncomfortable if its thirsting on my blog, at least be 16+. please if you do want to talk, please ask for consent and letting me know your intentions before dming me privately. im always open to having acquaintances, if talking on my blog makes it awkward, you are more than welcome to message me on discord!

~ simply send me an ask off anon so i can reply to you privately!

DO NOT SEND PROBLEMATIC/DRAMA ASKS. do not send negativity or i will snatch your wig.

last, but not least, do not send me hate. i just dont care, if you dont like me just keep it to yourself!

i think thats it, if you have questions just well dm me or simply do so on my ask. have a wonderful day. ♡

#rules & info #bm. d

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nikasholistic · 2 years

Note

What's the securest way to change certain beliefs or patterns we keep encountring? Lately i had an eye opening revelation, that certain people who end up taking the role if "important" people in my life... are narcissists ('best friend', 'someone in house')

To them, if I ever choose myself they get pissed and accuse me of being 'selfish'

Their definition of selfish, i now figured out after ages of thinking i was overreacting or that i secretly am wrong and they're always right, is for everyone and everything to cater to them. In this, they're NOT being the selfish ones, oh no, it's THEIR right

But if, heaven forbid, self-centered, selfish, non-empathetic me ever stand up for myself instead of bearing pains to give in to them (against my will, btw?), I'm so evil

Im wondering if im imagining this? Recently such a person who would give me weeks long silent treatments and ignore me or outright say "not interested!" to me if I was overwhelmed by personal issues and needed someone to lean on, or when it came to my interests and opinions, got sooo crazy when I was fed up with their BS and ignored them when THEY suddenly wanted to talk

Honestly it's so exhausting talking to such people. And at that point i knew if I spoke (at THEIR whim!) I'd lose it big-time

Anyway, this person went crazy and didn't like a taste of their own medicine which I've been tasting for 50+ times over the past so many years. It majes me sick? Instead of realising this is the pain THEY'VE been inflicting on me, they have the gall to act like I'm the evil one? That's why I hate bullies like them. They'll torture you 50 times, u say nothing because ofc you don't wanna rock the boat and secretly believe you deserve that (why else would you keep getting this treatment? And you also have anxiety and low self esteem so no way would u think THEY'RE doing smth unhealthy. It must be ME who's got some character flaw) and when you crack and give them a taste of it ONCE? they'll keep hanging it over you? What the hell is this?!

Do they wanna be victim or shunt blame off to the other so bad? Do they seriously need the OTHER to tell them what they're doing isn't good? Don't they have their own gauge?

The reason I've realised this, is because ive shifted, gotten into self awareness, and ik I never deserved that behavior that fed on my insecurities back then. I didn't know a lick abt external validation (and how much my self esteem was linked to this!) Im sorry for the past me. But talking to 'that' person with this new insight, and actually listening to what patterns of things they're saying, makes me feel so hopeless. Before id be wrapped around their finger and react to their conflicts and get into arguments that went around in circles, always with them having an excuse for every single thing THEY did, always being justified because of something I did.... I am wrong. I am wrong. Like they'll never see it. They'll always think I'm the wrong one. That they're MY victim 🤢 in fact I've noted most of their rants show how much subtly they feel as victims

I have always myself struggled with victim ness, but unlike them and other similar ones, I turned this inwards and punished and self sabotaged myself. I attracted these people maybe because deep down i believed I deserve such treatment

I'm slowly realising it doesn't have to be so. So how could I change my reality? This is only the first step ie waking up and smelling the bitterpill coffee. And im scared at that even! It's taken a lot of courage to open up about this. What if I'm the one overreacting?

I'd like to hear your opinions

Hey love, you’re right it takes a lot of courage to open up about your deepest feelings, and I’m so proud of you! You’ve done something so important -- you’ve recognized a toxic pattern in your life and are willing to let go of it. It’s the first step to transforming your reality.

The people around you should support your mental health and wellbeing. If they’re not, it’s time to change your circle. It doesn’t mean that you have to uphold resentment. You can wish them well and still refuse to meet them and surround yourself with their toxic energy.

Toxic people usually don't recognize their toxicity. That’s why we should approach them with compassion. We have to remember that their way of perceiving the world is a byproduct of their belief system and their upbringing. They're not conscious enough yet to be willing to change it.

You’ve recognized the part of you that attracted those people, and now you can heal that part of you. You can heal the part that needed them in your life by doing shadow work, addressing your limiting beliefs, and turning them into positive ones.

Your mindset is the foundation of your reality. Your thoughts create your feelings, and your feelings create your vibration, it all starts in the mind. You’re already doing the work, and you’re on your way to transforming your reality. Do whatever you feel drawn to -- read books, watch videos, listen to podcasts. Acquire this life-changing, spiritual and personal development knowledge and then put it into practice. Practicing what you’ve learned is the key here. That’s how you change your reality, by learning, working on yourself, evolving, and improving yourself every single day. 💗

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diosefm · 3 years

Text

FROM THE DESK OF DIOSE VALEY II

when: all of these letters were written during the dawn of day two of the train hijack where: written in her train car, all letters were left on people’s rooms in the morning of day two. for those in train one, letters should be delivered the next time everyone sees each other triggers: mentions of death, threats of violence, paranoia mentions: cabil, mommy pista, @pista-clearmark , @givcnup , @cinnc, @swannscngs , @blythefm , @sinksand & tiberius who is still dead

CABIL,

I know that after your conversation you probably do not wish to hear of me again, and I understand. After everything that has happened and what has been done to you, I don’t think that us Capitol people really deserve people’s pity. I don’t intend to ask you for that, nor do I want to ask for your forgiveness. I just needed to write you this and thank you for not coddling me.

I deserved it. And not because I want to victimize myself. I’ve never been a victim, more like a victimizer. I am seeing that now. It’s almost astounding what you can realize when those you have hurt have the opportunity to tell you what they really think about you in your face. And you might have not done that outright, but your message was very clear to me.

I won’t bore you with my inner conflicts. I am writing this because Pista mentioned something to me, something about you having someone waiting for you back home. And again, I know that this really isn’t any of my business but this is something I really want to do and would be honored if you say yes.

In the event that you were to marry your girlfriend, I would love to pay for everything and offer my services as a designer. You don’t have to say yes. All I ask is that you keep this letter and if one day you are able to forgive me, my offer will still stand.

Best wishes, Diose Valey.

HELENA,

I apologize for subjecting you to this. I can only imagine how awkward it must be to receive a letter from a complete stranger, especially one that is so deeply personal and filled with apologies.

But, I feel the need to apologize for putting your son in danger. It was easy for me to just involve Pista because I vaguely knew of him and his knowledge of trains and that was the only thing that mattered to me. It wasn’t until I saw the way you looked at him that something stirred inside of me. It made me think of my own mother, made me wonder if she had ever looked at me with such love and devotion. I’m scared of finding the answer.

I don’t want to talk about you. My intention is to tell you how sorry I am that I involved Pista in my plans. They worked, yes, but we were lucky. No, more than that. Your son refused to leave me when things god bad. I wanted to make him promise that he wouldn’t because I kept thinking of you and I couldn’t let something happen to him and hurt you. But he shot me down. And not only that, but showed me the empathy I never expected to receive given who I am. That’s what made me see what an amazing job you did raising him. I can only hope that if life ever gives me the chance of being a mother, I can be like you.

Once again, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for dumping this on you and for almost taking Pista away from you.

PISTA,

It wasn’t until I was able to lie down in bed that I remembered you. Your face was familiar, of course. I’d catch glances of you every year at the Capitol, but I couldn’t quite place you until I was left alone with my thoughts. At first I only remembered you due to Slate mentioning you during our conversations. It’s what made me come to you for help. My head just told you knew trains, having always being a hard worker who never got into trouble. But of course, Slate never mentioned your games. I remembered those on my own.

I was just a teenager so the memories are fuzzy at best. And of course, I didn’t pay attention. I was self absorbed, just saw a sobbing boy I foolishly thought had a lot of growing up to do. But there is always more than meets the eye. It’s curious, really. I would have never thought that decades later you would be the one actually helping me mature.

You didn’t have to help me. You could’ve just left me to my own devices and stayed with your people. I keep thinking about your mother, about how I wouldn’t forgive myself if you didn’t come back to her because of my doing. It’s why I begged for you to not wait for me. Slate never taught me anything. I just couldn’t bear the thought of being the one that left a mother without her child. Which is stupid, really. That is something I have been doing for decades, just dressing up children before they’re sent to their deaths. And I know that many of the parents do want their children there, but I refuse to use that to justify my actions. Maybe that worked in the past, but not anymore.

I don’t think I really understood what empathy was until who had some for me despite of who I am. And yes, I am aware of how awful that sounds now. I wasn’t lying to you when I said I was working on dealing with all of this. I’ll keep trying.

GRIFFIN,

Thank you.

I could say more. Go on a tangent and talk about how much I dislike you, but that is unnecessary right now. All that you told me did bother me, but it was all because none of the things you mentioned were a lie. I guess that’s what I needed. And I hope you enjoyed it, because it is not happening again. Not because I cannot bear the thought of you having the upper hand, but because I hope that after everything that has happened, we can see eye to eye.

You might not know this, but I was very close to Nelly once. And despite everything and the years I spent away from her, i still trust her judgement. And if she likes you and has taken care of you for years, it must be because you are worth it. I just pray you don’t ruin anymore of my dresses. Hating you is pointless, especially over something to silly. And now that we are seeing eye to eye now, well, I’ve taken it upon me to ensure you don’t hurt that woman.

You are a good man, Griffin Cripes. I apologize for not seeing it until now.

CINNA,

This is obvious to everyone, but it still has to be said. I need to confront these feelings if I truly want to be be able to seek repentance.

I tried to sabotage you. I screamed and complained for what seems like hours, angry that someone had dared to overshadow me. I blamed you for whatever minuscule thing that happened to ruin my day when you first started working for the games. I made plans, swore I would find a way to ensure you would not get any more work after what had been done to me. I thought you were personally trying to ruin my reputation, but it was just my paranoia and Tiberius encouragement making it all worse.

I feel like the past few days my mind has come up with a million excuses that would attempt to paint me as the victim, but I swear that is never my intention. I have a lot to work on, just like I have so many people I need to apologize to. And you’re one of them, hence this letter.

It is an awful attempt at it, I know. I keep repeating this to myself and others, but I am trying. I promise I will have something better once we see each other face to face again. I just need time to properly deal with my own conflicting emotions, but I am sure you understand.

SWANN,

My behavior in the past was not the best. Not towards you, and especially not towards Virgo.

I was possessive and overprotective, that I am ready to accept now. Paranoid too. With so many people whispering into my ears, I was led to believe you had ulterior motives and did not truly care about my sibling. But it was far from it, wasn’t it? I certainly could have brought this up during our conversation, give you a better apology but... Maybe I am a coward. Destroying lives and relationships is easy, but building them is what I seem to struggle with.

Even after our meeting, I left your train car and still asked myself if I had done enough to apologize. After a few hours, I realized I hadn’t. So you get this stupid, sentimental letter that is still not gonna feel like enough. Virgo would be much better at all of this, but I don’t have them with me right now. But on their behalf, I owe you not only several apologies, but a big thank you.

They are not like me. It has its pros and its cons. They’re their own person, and many of what they’ve accomplished is also because of you. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you this.

---

TIBERIUS,

With your connections, I am sure that by the time you read this you will know what I have done.

I don’t regret anything, Tiberius. If I am writing you one last letter before I put an end to our correspondence for good is because I need you to understand how much I’ve learned to despise you these past few weeks. I almost can’t believe that at one point I dared to think that I ha— No, I’m not doing this.

If I see you lurking around me, my sibling, or Slate I swear that all the things I’ve done to people throughout the years (so many of them for your own benefit) will seem like mere child’s play compared to what will happen if you force me to unleash my rage upon you. The bullshit about everyone that isn’t us being an enemy is over. I know who the real enemy is now.

I’m not scared of you. Never was, and never will. Fuck you.

BLYTHE,

I don’t know the truth. Virgo won’t talk to me, but they’re also absolutely terrible at keeping things hidden. I’ve seen the letters and the paintings, so I can only assume that something is going on between you two. And it did bother me. First because I didn’t think you were enough. I told myself that was the only reason, that I was just looking out for them but now I’ve realized I was tricking myself into not accepting that for the first time in my life, I was jealous of them.

You probably won’t care about this. In fact, I am sure that before I finish this sentence this letter will already be destroyed. But I need to put this somewhere not only for my own sake, but for Virgo. If there is someone that does not deserve to suffer because of me, it’s them.

They had a proper childhood, I did not. They are now able to experience something I have only heard about due to those corny TV dramas they love so much. And it hurts. I kept it to myself. Showing vulnerability is something I have never allowed myself to do, but when it involves love and caring, I had to bury my feelings somewhere. Except I buried my worries and let my anger and jealousy affect them. It’s not happening again. Regardless of these feelings still being present, I cannot continue hurting them just because for once, they’re thriving at something I am not.

If you are still reading, this letter is a plea for you to take care of them. And a threat as well. Because if you dare to hurt them in any way, I can promise you that all those feelings I’ve buried will come out and you will learn what dealing with what I am capable of doing when I am upset.

AVEN

I loved Desmond. Friendships don’t come easy to me, but he was talented enough to change that and earn a place in my inner circle. His last name helped, yes, but at the end of the day that was not why we remained closed.

After he was gone, blaming you was easy. Spreading rumors gave me a purpose, made me believe I had the upper hand, that I still knew better. But what I made others whispers behind your back wasn’t the only information we had. Many of us just refused to listen to it. At the end it benefitted no one but Snow.

I’m sorry you lost your husband. That was what you deserved to hear years ago instead of our complaints and unfounded grievances. I have no way of fixing the damage I caused. I will not attempt to excuse it. It happened and you suffered deeply for it. That is what matters.

Maybe one day you will allow me to not only explain myself, but apologize. I still have a lot to do in regards to facing all the horrible things I did and what the Capitol’s indoctrination did to my psyche, but I hope that by the time we have a chance to see each other, I will have more to offer you than an I’m sorry.

#emberstask #sp #DIOSE VALEY'S REDEMPTION TOUR 2K21 #dm me for a free tshirt

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brickercupmasterx3 · 3 years

Text

“Confessions in the Darkened Room”-

AN: I’m NOT exactly too proud of this fic and I’m still going back and forth on it, but I shared it with a friend (you know who you are) and she said it was fine... So I’ve decided to post it anyway? (I’m going to log off for the rest of the day so I don’t feel tempted to delete this minutes after I posted it. However when tomorrow comes, don’t be surprised if I do delete this post.)

And no, this was NOT the second fic I had in mind that I mentioned on my Lukanette blog.

These deal with my own headcanons dealing with Feloe (Felix x Chloe pairing). This ship has little to no content, and I’ve been kinda into it lately. So yeah... Here’s my (terrible, imo) contribution. (If I do end up drawing them eventually, that’s why. They’re a fun pair and I have a few story lines prepared for them. I’m NOT planning to write them out though.)

(I would also like to apologize in advance if anything seems out of place or rushed? I tried my best to make things organic, but anymore and I probably would have screwed this up further.)

Anyways, I’m done talking. So here. Enjoy?

______________________________

First thing Chloe knew, she was arguing with the most insufferable guy she’s ever known and the next, the two were shoved inside a closet. She had no doubt about who pushed them, considering there was only one other person in the room, aside from herself, that knew about her feelings for the boy.

It had been around half an hour since the two blondes were locked inside the closet, neither having said a word since then. Chloe knew she’d have to say something sooner or later, but when? There was never a right time to admit to someone who had brought you down and made you feel inferior all your life that you’ve grown feelings for them, could there?

Felix sighed, clearly annoyed at the situation they were forced into. While it wasn’t in the most pleasing of circumstances, at least this provided him the space to get some closure with the girl. She may have those infuriating moments when all she can talk about is Adrien, but lately, throughout their whole “fake dating” scene… He’d found himself falling for her more than he thought possible.

He enjoyed the closeness and getting to know her more, in and out of character. He’d memorized her facial expressions, the sound of her laughter, her touches… Basically everything… Not that he’d admit it aloud to the blonde girl at all. Otherwise, he wouldn’t hear the end of it.

“So… What’d you want to talk about?” Chloe asked, trying to speed things along so that she wouldn’t have to be trapped with him any longer than necessary. “I don’t know about you, but I’d rather get out of here as soon as possible. Don’t exactly find it thrilling to spend too much time with you.”

He rolled his eyes at her usual antics. “Not like spending time with you is any picnic either.”

“If I’m that revolting to you, then why ask me to play the role of your fake girlfriend?” She asked, awaiting for whatever response he’d be willing to give her. His responses were always the same, and she knew she shouldn’t have hoped for anything different, but she could dream.

“I needed a favor, Chloe. You fit the bill and that was it.” He responded, keeping it short.

"That's all you ever say." She said, crossing her arms. "Sometimes, it just feels like you're this emotionless robot with the same practiced lines. Is there really nothing else on your mind?"

"Why does it even matter to you? The only person you ever cared about was Adrien!" He shouted, just about done with her.

"I can't believe you…" Chloe started, anger evident in her eyes. "That's honestly what you think? Even tracking back to our childhood where I tried so hard to be your friend? Need I remind you that you rejected me?"

"Did you really expect me to take your friendship?" He looked over to her, returning her glare. "And watch you become another one of those annoying fangirls of Adrien's?"

"Did you really think so lowly of me then that you couldn't find a single ounce of genuineness in my eyes then?" She looked away from him, trying so hard to conceal all those horrible childhood memories. "Of course you did. After all, I played my part perfectly well… The bratty, spoiled rich kid who wanted nothing but to be part of the Agreste family. No matter the cost…"

“Are you seriously trying to get me to buy into that?” Felix looked at her as if she was crazy. “Would you stop trying to make up excuses to justify your petty behavior from back then? And just take responsibility for what you really are.”

“Responsibility? For what exactly?" Chloe shouted, more than fed up with his attitude. "Do you really think that this is what I wanted for myself? You don't know me! You never tried to get to know me, even with the several chances offered to you!"

"Why exactly would I want to? You've shown your true colors and by the way you're acting right now, you're not making yourself look any better." He said matter of factly.

"Ugh!" She groaned. "Fine! Think whatever you want about me! I'm done trying with you… Done with this stupid arrangement of ours altogether!"

“We had a deal… You can’t just back out of it now.” “Why not? You’re insufferable, Felix! You constantly treat me like trash, bring me down all the time with your pathetic insults and just expect me to sit there and take it like I’m inferior to you!” The blonde girl knew she couldn’t normally act out like this in public, but considering Sabrina locked them inside to talk feelings, that’s precisely what she was going for. “Well… You’re not any better than I am. These petty feelings you say I have, well, you have the same ones towards Adrien. Neither of us get why, because you refuse to tell us anything.”

“That’s hardly any of your business.” came his simple reply. “I didn’t ask you to help me out with this in order for us to get to know one another better. I could care less about your opinion on any matter. I simply just needed someone around to get that annoying Bridgette out of my life. You just fit the part.” “So… You’re just using me?” Chloe laughed, of course it was moreso a fake one, not that he’d know the difference. She needed to save her pride, not give him the satisfaction that he’d gotten to her yet again. It was just as she’d feared, wasn’t it? He never cared about her, no matter what she did. “Of course, you are… It never mattered how well I played the doting girlfriend part… Nothing can ever satisfy you.”

He just stared blankly at her, rolling his eyes at her usual dramatics. “Are you done yet?”

“As done as I am with you…” She responded, rolling her eyes at him.

How she fell for him over his nicer, denser cousin, Adrien, she wouldn’t understand. In ways, Adrien was everything she should have desired. He had the status, the cash, the looks… Those were the things she was supposed to chase after for the sake of her mother’s approval. Chloe was a Bourgeois. And Bourgeois’ don’t settle for anything less than the best.

But that wasn’t what she wanted for herself… Adrien just wasn’t it for her.

While he was kinder, sweeter, most endearing and at times a bit more understanding than his jerk of a cousin… Adrien couldn’t understand most social cues, which was indeed beyond frustrating. Nor could he tell the difference between liking someone as a “friend” or more. The boy had been sheltered from the real world for the majority of his life, she knew that and she couldn’t fault him for those things… And she didn’t… but she knew he’d never be more to her than just that childhood friend she adores…

And it hurts, because loving him would’ve been easier… Adrien wouldn’t reject her out of malice, unlike Felix. He’d do his best to let her down easy, if he came to figure out her feelings, because first and foremost, the two were friends. And the Agreste boy obviously treasured the Bourgeois girl as family, just as she did him.

Chloe then resigned to sit down at the farthest corner from Felix, quietly mumbling something under her breath as she finally registered her thoughts.

“If you have something to say, come out with it.” The boy said. He was a no-nonsense kind of guy and mumbling just wasn’t his style.

“Why would you care so suddenly? I’m of no interest to you.” She said softly, hiding her face between her legs… If she’d said anymore, her feelings would probably be out in the open and he’d know.

Felix had been witness to many of Chloe’s outbursts… but this? This wasn’t one of them.

She was never this quiet or reserved around him. She always had something to say and that's how he liked it. Chloe may be loud, annoying, spoiled and all-around self centered from what he'd seen, but he wouldn't have it any other way… So why the sudden change in attitude?

He tried to reach out to the other blonde, but his attempt was met by a slap. She clearly was in no mood to entertain him, much too lost in her thoughts to do much else. It didn't help matters that she was shaking either.

Had he really upset her that much?

"Chlo, come on. Just come out with it." He insisted.

She didn't budge, just kept her head down and ignored his words. If he wasn't going to listen to her at all, then she wouldn't either. It was a two-way street after all.

_______________________

Within the next fifteen minutes or so, her breathing had finally evened out again. Chloe couldn’t even bother herself to give him the time of day at all anymore. She’d finally raised her head and stood up silently, making her way back to the door.

“Sabrina... Whatever it is you thought was going to be resolved here isn’t going to happen… So just open the door, will you?” She spoke, still pretty soft, but a little louder than the response she'd given Felix just minutes ago. Chloe couldn't be bothered to yell out as angrily as she’d had done when she and Felix were both thrown inside.

Unluckily for her, there was no response from her redheaded friend on the other side of the door. Though she supposed it was to be expected, not that she could blame her.

The blonde girl then sighed again. Not only was she stuck with the guy she liked, but she wasn't even close to being in control of her own emotions either. So she decided to keep the silent treatment intact, and have her back turned to him for as long as she could.

"You're seriously going to keep this act up?" Was the blonde boy's interjection in this silence. "You can't stay silent forever."

Why he was still even trying to get to her is something she wouldn't understand, but knowing him, he probably wouldn't stop until she gave in.

"Fine… What do you want from me?" Chloe asked, obviously annoyed by him. "To tell me how much it is you hate me? Because if you haven't figured it out by now, I know that already."

"I just want to know what's wrong with you. You normally have more bite to your words." He said, because she did. She wouldn't let him get away with what he normally said.

"What's wrong with me?" She finally turned and glared over at him. "What's wrong with me is you… You, Felix. You'll always be the problem!"

"What?" He raised a brow, confused.

"Seriously? You don't even see it? You ask me for a favor and you're in no way, shape or form, grateful for any of it! I play this role I hate perfectly, but you're NOT man enough to admit it!" She yelled out beyond frustrated with him.

She hated that she gave in to her emotions so easily, but how else was she going to get those feelings out in the open? She hated him for making her feel the way she did and she wasn't going to let him off easy until she was done.

"Do you think any of this is easy for me? Do you even try to act like a boyfriend, fake or otherwise, would to someone he's dating? No! Because it seems you're incapable of showing any emotion to me other than one of hatred or indifference, all depending on your mood!" She continued. "If you hate me this much, just end it! This isn't going well for either of us and… and I'm tired of it… I'm tired of growing angrier than I've ever been. Exhausted from everything that's going on between us…"

“There’s nothin-” Felix started, but couldn’t finish because the female blonde wouldn’t let him.

“Don’t you think I know that?” She asked, nearing her breaking point. It was unbelievable how he couldn’t get what she meant. “That’s precisely why this has to end... You hate me as it is, and I just can’t deal with this anymore!”

Chloe wasn’t one to just break down without reason. Having always had to bottle up her emotions and fake others, wasn’t an easy task and it’s started to take more of a toll on her since this dumb “fake dating” favor started. What was she supposed to do? Continue this when it wasn’t doing her heart any good? No. That wouldn’t have been healthy and she knew that well enough already.

“... I… I wish I did have actual feelings for Adrien, you know?” She started, pretty much having to hold back from shedding any tear at this point. “Things would have been easier… He wouldn’t have done anything to hurt me. And I would have been perfectly content just being his friend.”

“Are you ever going to stop denying such an obvious fact? You’ve been into him literally all your life!”

"That's not true! He was never the one I fell for…" She responded, hugging herself, because she was sure that after this there would be no going back. "Even back when we were younger, loving him never crossed my mind. I didn't have many friends… And I still don't, but I wanted to try…"

“Try what? Befriending someone with no interest in you whatsoever?” He asked, still extremely annoyed at how hard she tried to prove him wrong. “Becoming friends with just another girl who claims to be in love with my cousin isn’t something I’d ever want.”

“Well, good then! Since that’s NOT even the reason I tried so hard anyway!” She yelled back in frustration. “It was never my intention to make you feel like second best… but you wouldn’t know that since you rejected me every chance you got!”

“As if I’d believe anything you’d have to say… There’s nothing you could say that could sway me to believe you in the least.” He rolled his eyes. Who did she think she was anyway?

“O-Of course not… You’re heartless, Felix…” Chloe said, looking straight into his eyes. The girl never wanted to believe such a thing, but he’d proven it, especially with the way he normally treated her. “It’s sad how nothing could ever make its way through that cold and tough exterior of yours… You’re so unwilling to let anyone in, that I can see now that nothing’s ever going to change.”

The tears became harder to contain with every word she spoke. Chloe was very self conscious and she hated that it had come to this. She was stronger than this.

"... You never made it easy, you know?" The blonde girl continued, closing her eyes shut, as if that would have been enough to keep the water in. "At first, I thought that was just you playing around… but the more time went by, the more I realized that was just you… You hated everyone and everything around you… And I still don't understand why I tried so hard to change it… because you're never going to see me that same way…"

He just stared at her. Was she trying to tell him the one thing he always wanted to hear? She wasn't completely clear, so he wouldn't know.

“It was never even about Adrien… He wasn’t the one who’d stolen my heart.” She’d looked down upset, tears on the verge of slipping away. “But then again, why would you care? I’m nothing but an inconvenience to you.”

Not being able to hold back much longer, the girl just let her tears flow freely. What else could she do now that things were out in the open? She wasn't sure anymore.

"I… I hope you're proud of yourself…" Chloe said in between sniffles, all the while wiping away whatever tears she could with her hands. "J-jerk…"

Before she could utter another word, she found herself enveloped in warmth. She wasn't sure how or when it occurred, since her main focus was ridding herself of the tears in her eyes. And when she looked up, she'd found herself staring at those same hues belonging to the one person who had stolen her heart.

"W-What are you-?"

"Look, I'm not too good at this "comforting" thing… I just know I don't ever want you feeling this way, okay?" He said. "Especially if it's because of me."

"Why the sudden change of heart?" She asked, curiously.

"Because if I'm honest, I never actually hated you, Chloe. I was just under the impression that that's how guys would act around girls to show them that they were interested in them." He responded.

"That explains a lot actually… Sabrina thought as much, but I just couldn't believe her." Chloe commented, in between sniffles. "Though an easier way to let a girl know you're interested is to just ask them out."

"And would you do me the honor of going on a date with me?" He asked her straight out. Not at all planning to waste another second, as he'd had the last few years. "A real one this time."

"Hmmm…" She hummed, as if deep in thought. "Maybe… if you can handle high maintenance and clingy?"

"Only if it's you."

"Damn right." She said, with a little soft smile on her lips, before it turned to a serious thin line. "I still expect you to make it up to me though. For making me so angry and upset in the past."

"Demanding as always, are you?" He said, a little playfully. "Alright… Whatever you want."

"We'll talk about the details later. Just hold me close for now, okay?" The girl requested, just enjoying being near him.

"Okay." He agreed, not at all minding her request. Felix could get used to this.

He just hoped that the next time they hugged or had an intimate moment, it wouldn’t be under these circumstances.

#chloe bourgeois #felix graham de vanily #sabrina raincomprix mentioned #adrien agreste mentioned #chlodrien friendship #feloe #miraculous ladybug #ml #brickercupmasterx3 #bmx3

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noxrynne · 3 years

Text

just doin this so i can vent cuz it’s fucking frustrating me and has been for years now. Like, I understand bad anxiety. I have bad anxiety. I struggle daily with anxiety, depression, constant lethargy and feeling generally pretty down shit. But, fuck, even though I know I’m not perfect and do genuinely need days to just recharge, I do at least try when I feel like I can. When I have a little bit of excess energy I do try to clean the place up a bit more, I do try to get the dishes done, the laundry done, take the trash out and pick up the trash around the place, bring the old box that’s been sitting by the wall for too long down to the dumpster and so on. It doesn’t get done in a timely manner, but it does get done. And I know I ain’t perfect about all that. But... like, after I do all those things. And I ask. For the third fucking time. “Hey, can you please rinse out the cat’s dish before leaving it on the counter? The smell really gets to me and makes me feel nauseous” and get just yelled at with how That’s Impossible and how “I Literally Cannot Adjust my Schedule to Comply with Your Wishes” and how “You Never Complained Before, Why’s It an Issue Now?” coming from the person who will, under 0 circumstances, go grab a food delivery, help bring in the groceries unless the guy got lucky and they’re Literally In Front of our Literal Door, who has tried to abandon me in an empty house because “I want to be Alone In the Furnished Place with Internet” and is Fully Aware I have really bad paranoia late at night Especially When Alone, who has refused to lift a finger to help with anything related to moving, who Knows that “Well it /has/ to be done and they /will/ do it even if I /don’t/ help even though they are asking for help” and always, always, always cites “my mental health is bad” as the excuse for why this is all fine and dandy I just. I”m so fucking sick of it. But there’s nothing I can really do. Like, when she moved in she did clean and help out heavily for a few weeks and, like, it was more than she needed to do and I said as much. And I knew then, as I learned now, that it’d be used against me if I ever needed or asked for help down the line. The whole “well I did so much in x/y time period so why should I keep helping now? You’re asking for too much/being unfair because I did all this work three months ago etc...” And I’ve been pretty resigned to understanding that no matter what, she probably won’t actually help tangibly with anything unless there’s some benefit that she wants out of it as an exchange. I’ve been struggling really bad with insomnia and haven’t felt right for weeks, but the only time I could ever get any help with something like... taking the trash out was... literally telling her “No, I won’t help you with whatever bullshit in whatever game until you do this for me” and then, guess what, she did the thing she claimed was Literally Impossible for her to do. Bitched the whole time, kept trying the “Oh, I”ll do it After” and then even told me later that no, if I didn’t make her do it then she wasn’t gonna do it later Ha. Ha. And it’s been a pattern for so long. The other thing is she gets into hyper-political topics, but if you ever have a point to make or a disagreement on something she’ll literally throw a fit and then put the blame on you for making her upset. And it’s like. I get having a rough time with mental health. Shit can suck big fucking time. I have a lot of extremely rough patches where I can hardly get myself to function. But it just. Piles up when you’re the only one who’s willing to do the basic stuff, and vehemently denied assistance (even if it’s LITERALLY just rinsing 1 dish out so it doesn’t smell like dead fish asshole). Like I am TRYING to at least do better, at least trying to like, Do Tasks and trying my best not to let shit pile up (but it does sometimes I admit), but what I get in return is absolutely no attempt to even try, to even compromise, to even like, “Hey I can do this, can you do this?” because any time I ask for anything, at any time, when it comes to any general chores it’s always “No. I can’t do that. Because My Anxiety/My Depression/My Habits” and it’s just hit a point where it’s like... thsi... isn’t sustainable. This is beyond compromising with things, this is literally “I have to give you something as a reward, in order to have any help with any/thing/.” When I move soon, because this fucking place upped the rent by 400 and frankly I don’t want to move every fucking year again, I’m like... not expecting much help. Pretty much no help. I mean, shit, my mom even told me that she tried to convince my mom to come up early to take her back down to Texas so she wouldn’t have to help and just leave me with everything LOL. Like. She Always does. And it’s always “justified” in some bullshit asinine way. And it’s all shit where it’s like -I’m- the one yelled at, -I’m- the unreasonable, tyrannical bitch. How dare /I/ ask her to clean... one... dish. One dish. One. Like fuck, can’t even have a discussion about a serious topic without a tantrum being thrown. Be it a political topic. Be it an actually Fucking Important Topic That Really Actually Needs to be Fucking Talked About. And it is tantrums. It’s yelling. It’s screaming. It’s blaming me for triggering her anxiety because, frankly, there’s shit that needs to be talked about like adults SOME FUCKING TIMES. It just gets to the point where I stop trying to even ask for any kind of help from her, and sometimes even just start avoiding engaging in topics with her because it’s not. fucking worth. it. And then I’m left holding the bag and having to do basically every fucking thing or nothing will ever fucking get done. And it’s not just this living situation. The living situation just exacerbated it since it’s Just Me having to deal with this bullshit and not Me and my Mom sharing in the bullshit. And it’s been an issue for a LONG time. And it’s frustrating because there’s 0 signs, 0 attempts, 0 care for any kind of attempt at general improvement. Like, again, I know I’m not perfect. I fall into similar ruts of not doing shit I need to, of avoiding shit I Need to Do, but I’ll generally be able to eventually force myself out of a sheer “I have to.” And if I still struggle, or still can’t, then I’ll at least try and figure out some way to make it easier, or try to accept help that’ll make it easier, or at least try to look up ways to make it easier when I’m in a better spot. Like it’s at least. Trying. I just genuinely feel like I’m completely not respected and am treated as basically someone to be walked on. But I can’t talk about any of this with her, because any time I try to even get close to breaching the topic she just starts shouting, starts saying how /I’m the asshole/ because being frustrated with this behavior /hurts my feelings/ and GOD FUCK like shit. What am I supposed to do? Shoulder both of our problems at the same time and solve them all? Is that how it’s going to be forever? My back won’t be able to take that. And I felt like I had to vent about it here because there’s no chance in hell she’d let me talk through all this with her without going back to yelling/blaming/getting pissed off and upset that I’m struggling handling all of Her Shit and My Shit at the same time all the time.

#just fuck man #i cant vent about it anywhere else cuz she follows my twitter account and i dont want to #like i dont want to make her feel bad i just #need to yell somewhere about it because eventually i know its going to have a breaking point and im just going to fall to pieces

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make-it-mavis · 3 years

Text

Homesick (Entry #36)

(cw: discussion of addiction/violence, suicide mention) ----------

01/24/88 6:30 PM

Hey.

Once I’d chosen my “higher power”, the rest of the program really began to interest me more.

That isn’t to say that I had suddenly seen the light and knew exactly how to fix everything, no. I was still on wobbly legs and I knew it. The goal was to shift my entire worldview, and that sort of thing does not happen overnight. But I had an idea to go off of, which was more than what I’d had before. And the more I sat with it, the more the idea unfurled itself.

There are no absolutes in a world of color. No rules, only choices. I thought I’d lived my life as a rainbow, but I’d been painting with one color for so long. I was indigo -- cold, proud, with the depression of blue and the aggression of violet. I was the color of bruises, the sort that are almost beautiful, but hurt something awful. All of my choices were touched by a shade of pain. I never really thought there was another way to be.

But this new theory of mine challenged that with the phrase: ‘There’s always another color.’

I didn’t know which ones exactly I wanted to move forward with, but I sort of figured that keeping an open mind and paying close attention would reveal them to me. And that, as it turned out, was sort of what step three was all about.

Step three is Surrender. We were expected to surrender to our higher power, and hold it in greater importance than our own selfish desires. My own desire was to learn to live by my new worldview anyway, so it seemed easy enough. But I was told that swallowing my pride would be a tough thing to maintain, so I had to stay on top of it. Well, duh. Of course it’s been hard. You and I were always some of the most prideful little beasts in the arcade. I still fail regularly, but I haven’t given up yet. Which is really what matters. Or so I’ve heard.

I’ll admit something sad. Sometimes, while I’m doing all this work, I wonder if you could have benefitted from anything like this. Like, maybe it would have helped you sort out all that darkness in your head. Maybe it could have saved you, and you’d be sitting right here beside me right now. I don’t know… maybe not. I’m not sure how you’d have ever been convinced to try it. I mean… it took a monumental catastrophe and threat of imprisonment for me to even consider it. If only you had been lucky enough to survive your own… catastrophe. Then, well... maybe.

It hurts so much to think about.

If nothing else, it makes me want to succeed for the both of us.

I was still on step three by my fourth session, but I was preemptively worrying about the upcoming step four. It had been causing me a fair bit of anxiety since the beginning, and I was almost afraid to complete step three and arrive at it. Step four is Courage, which involves pretty much digging deep into your code and listing all the bad things you’ve ever done. A ‘fearless moral inventory’, they called it. I just had no idea how I was going to tackle that. Others might have been able to make a list based on things they felt bad about. I was going to have to think a little harder about mine. Not that I have any shortage of misdeeds to list -- I probably have a hundred for every day of my life. I just… didn’t feel bad about most of them. Feeling any kind of remorse or regret for my actions was never something I was very good at.

I began to wonder why that was. Probably for the first time ever.

While I considered it, I just listened in to all the shares from the other members. During step three, I’d been going along with the challenge I issued myself before, the one meant to lessen Worluk’s effect on me. It was going alright. As I paid more attention to them, the other members had started to take on their own colors in my mind. I definitely got to know some of them a bit more, and even found that listening to their stories helped me gain better perspectives of my own.

I feel a bizarre need to respect the anonymity of the program even here, so I won’t name names. But I’ll name their colors.

An NPC sprite who gave me pinkish-mulberry vibes told us about his experience with step five, Integrity, which I’d been trying not to think about. He seemed near tears as he spoke, just brimming with emotion.

“I’d been so afraid that she would turn me away when she heard about the things I’d done… but she just hugged me. She said that she would have been there for me sooner if I’d just opened up to her… but I think I’d just been so ashamed, I didn’t even think I was worthy of help. I never knew how important that was. Just to feel like you deserve saving.”

That one reminded me of you a little bit, which hurt. I thought about how you had only chosen to let me in on our very last night together. How you barely gave me any time to help you. I hoped you felt like you were worthy of help, but I also kind of doubted it.

It also raised questions about my own self worth... but I tried to tuck those away for later.

A Bad Guy sprite with an orange air about him piped up in response, saying he could relate. But in his case, the sprite he had tried to make amends with turned him away. “It was awful,” he said. “It was everything I’d been afraid of, but all the same… I had to accept it. I’d done wrong by them. I have to live with the consequences of that and choose to be better. Even though my fears came true, I’m still alive. I’m still okay. And that’s kind of freeing.”

Again and again, fear played a heavy role in their struggles. And the more I sat with it, the more it sank in, and the more sense it made. As much as I hated to entertain the idea, maybe I’d been afraid, too. Of what, exactly… I couldn’t really say for sure. But I took a look at my life for a moment, and all the things I loved to do, like drinking and fighting and breaking the rules… and felt kind of sick. Like… maybe it wasn’t always just about chasing freedom. Chasing one thing… could also mean running away from another.

But I could hardly be blamed for that, could I? I’d felt alienated for so long, like different rules applied to me because my Easter Egg role sucked so much. Like my pain validated all the bad things I did. It was only fair, right?

But that was when Worluk spoke up. Her voice didn’t strike quite as much terror in me as it had before, but even as small and raspy as it was, it demanded my attention.

“I’ve tried apologizing to the boys. To everyone, really,” she said, a quiet, tired frustration in her voice. “But they won’t take it. They see right through me. I did a lot of things that hurt them while I was neck deep in buffs. And I’m sorry for hurting them, I really am. But I’ll be real with you all. I’m having trouble regretting the things I did. They were all things I wanted to do already. It just felt like buffs made me actually go out and do something about it.”

“That’s understandable,” Clyde said. “But none of us are exempt from regret. None of us here can decide that we’ve done no wrong. The sprites around us, the ones we hurt, are the ones we need to listen to in order to understand the gravity of the things we’ve done.”

Worluk shook her head a bit at that, refusing to look. “I know. I get that. I do. But if you had only seen what I’ve seen, you wouldn’t say that…”

“Pain is the one thing all of us have in common,” Clyde reminded her calmly. “No addict is free of it. But pain only explains our behavior. It does not justify it.”

I winced.

It felt like that sentence saw my thoughts and slapped me hard for them. His words hung over my head and forced my gaze to the floor. I wanted to argue. I didn’t want it to be true. I needed to keep being the exception in order to justify my actions. After everything I’d been through, I couldn’t be held to the same standard as everyone else.

But, to my dismay, that also seemed to be how Worluk felt.

I knew firsthand how unjust her actions had been. I knew that she had no excuse. Her decision to attack me was nothing but misplaced rage and overwhelming bloodlust. She was nothing more than a dangerous, sadistic lunatic in my eyes, and she deserved to be locked up. She didn’t even deserve to be in that circle with the rest of us.

It was unspeakably frightening to me, then, that we could have the same thought. That we could be the same in any way at all. Yet, I was helpless to deny it.

We were very similar.

We had both used our pain to justify some pretty horrible things. We both refused to take responsibility. And the scariest part was, even though I hadn’t attempted to murder anyone, who’s to say that I wouldn’t have gone down that route if I hadn’t gotten help when I did? I mean, I did threaten someone just to get their buffs. If the circumstances were right, could I have done the exact same thing as Worluk?

Wouldn’t I have killed to avenge you?

I felt sick. I couldn’t let it be true. I had to be better than that. Better than her.

But in a weird sort of way, I kind of... wanted her to do better, too. Not out of compassion. It was sort of selfish, actually. I felt like she and I were, unfortunately, in the same sinking ship. I could have just let her drown, but I’d just be watching her suffer a fate that would quickly come for me after. If that makes sense. I hated her. I still wanted to rip her antenna off and feed them to her. But if she was beyond help, then so was I. Somehow, I had to believe that it was possible to turn things around, even after we had sunk as deep as we had.

And counselling is hard. Really hard. And boring. But she had to do it, same as anyone else there. She had to swallow the same giant pill that I did, so maybe I could jam it down her unwilling throat.

Maybe I could take things into my own hands, just a little bit.

I didn’t want to speak to her directly, because I might have lost my nerve and started screaming at her. But I thought up a way to get my point across. Whether it was a good idea or not, I didn’t have time to assess. I only had until my turn to plan, so it was going to be mostly improv.

It was time for more rolling with the proverbial punches.

Once my turn came, I found myself trembling with the severity of what I was about to do. This bug sprite had caused me so much pain and suffering. But I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I could paint with a color outside of revenge if I so chose. So I loaded my brush with exactly what the dreaded step four called for -- courage.

“Hi, my name’s Mavis, I’m an addict,” I began as usual, leaning on my knees. “I’m on step three tonight, but... all I can think about is step four.”

I was met with some knowing nods. Someone muttered, “That’s a tough one.”

I flashed a half-smile and continued, “Honestly, a big part of why it’s so daunting is, I mean, I’ve probably done more bad things in my life than good things. I could try to list them all, but then I’d be on step four for the rest of my life.”

There were a couple chuckles.

“But listening to you guys and your stories about, y’know, opening up to sprites you care about, I, uh…” I paused. “Well, I’m really not good at… being helped. I never really have been. A big part of that’s just pride, but I think, uh… everything that goes along with lettin’ people in has never been my forte, and that’s only gotten worse ever since, uh… well, lately. I haven’t let anyone in on what I’ve been going through. But... well, I guess, keepin’ with step three like I oughtta, I feel like... it’d be surrendering to my higher power to-- Okay, I don’t know quite how to word it, but I need to paint with a different color. That much is clear. And I thought… y’know, I could start right here. So… I’ve got a story I’d like to share, if that’s alright.”

“Please,” Clyde prompted.

“It’s an ugly one,” I warned him.

“There are no judgments here,” he reminded me with a smile.

I took another deep breath and sighed. Here goes, I thought.

“Well, it’s probably no secret to y’all that I haven’t exactly been the most popular sprite in the arcade since… y’know. Everyone’s got their opinion. And some sprites, uh, share it more loudly than others. Throwin’ stuff, yellin’ at me, that all sucks, but I guess I can deal with it. The thing is, though, someone… took it to a whole other level. Back before I got hooked on GC, someone, well… tried to kill me.”

That got everyone's attention.

Clyde turned blue. There were several horrified gasps. Sprites leaned towards me, their eyes wide, so many emotions growing behind the shock on their faces. Worluk's antennae perked up as she listened. Obviously, she knew that I knew who she was. But I don't think she knew what I was doing. She looked less angry and more curious -- maybe she was curious to see if I'd be dumb enough to try to accuse her.

When Clyde came to his senses, he asked me worriedly, "Have you told the Surge Protector about this, Mavis?"

"Well… yeah, I did eventually," I told him. "But not ‘til a couple weeks ago. Right after the attack, he helped me across Game Central, but I just-- I couldn't talk about it then. It was weird."

Before I could continue, a little sprite with lavender vibes interrupted, quivering in alarm, "Wait, wait, I think I saw-- I saw you! With Surge! And your shirt was all--"

"Yep."

"You mean, that was when you’d been--"

I nodded and swallowed. "Yep. Sure was."

"Oh no," the little sprite put their hands near their mouth and looked at everyone. "I saw her, everyone, she looked awful. She could barely walk. Her-- her legs were bleeding!"

"Actually," someone else added, "I remember seeing her, too. I just-- I didn’t look too close 'cause there was so much blood on her face…"

I felt myself going red. It was embarrassing to have them remember just how awful and abused I looked. But it felt like the point of the program was to get used to embarrassing myself, so I tried to take it as a good thing.

"What did Surge say?" Clyde asked.

"Well,” I said with a defeated laugh, “he said there was nothing he could do. I have no evidence. I don't know who it was. I didn't even see them. I was blindfolded and tied up."

So many horrified eyes were fixed on me. I glanced at Worluk just for a moment, and saw just the slightest hint of nerves in her body language. She was glancing around just a bit more than usual. I figured she would never get my point if she got too defensive, so I decided to cut to the chase.

“Look, settle down, everybody, okay?” I put my hands up with a half-smile. “I’m okay. I mean, I’m here, right? And I’m not here to give anyone nightmares with the details. I just wanted to get that off my chest, because I’d been keeping it to myself for so long. It was one of the big reasons I got into GC. I wanted to drown out the memory. I’m not even totally sure why I didn’t tell anybody. I think… maybe I didn’t wanna seem weak. Or something like that.”

“How could that make you weak?” The lavender sprite asked. “You’re incredibly strong to have survived that.”

My ears felt hot. I didn’t know what to do with that. “Uh… thanks. The thing is -- and this has puzzled me ever since it happened -- whoever did it… they left me alive. I was totally at their mercy, but they left me alive. For a while, I sort of thought that they might have done it to be cruel. Leave me alive and humiliated. Let the fear consume me ‘til I’d corrupted myself on buffs. Let me tell you, what they did to me screwed me up real bad. It ended up in all my bad trips in one way or another. And I spent many a sleepless night just imagining what I’d do to this sprite if I met them. The revenge I’d take for all they put me through.”

Worluk was watching me dead on for what may have been the first time. I hated admitting that she had made such a significant impression on me, but I tried not to return her gaze too obviously or tense up under her scrutinizing glare.

“But nearly dying of corruption, and blacking out and nearly burning down Tapper’s, it, uh… it put a lot of things in perspective, y’know. ‘Cause, uh… my attacker -- well, attackers, there were actually four sprites there, but the ringleader -- I never did get to see her. But I heard her, and I could tell… she was definitely high.”

Soft gasps. Solemn nods.

“And I’ve sorta realized how lucky I am to be here now. Not just to be alive, but to be getting help. Because really, there’s no denying that I could have gone down that same road if I had more time. And with that, y’know, I wonder… would revenge even make me happy now? Now that I know it could’ve been me? Now that I know how similar she was to me?”

I chanced a glance. Worluk was frozen stiff, her expression intense but unreadable. My words were making an impression. Good or bad, they were doing something to her. An encouraging rush of adrenaline coursed through my body. Don’t stop now, it told me.

Finish it.

“I never understood why she left me alive, but I think I get it now,” I indirectly spoke to her, my heart pounding. “She’s not a nightmarish monster, she’s just a sprite. A sprite who, when it comes down to it, knows the difference between right and wrong. Who knows that killing me would not actually make her happy. She must have realized that we’re not so different. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be alive right now. Buffs make monsters of all of us. But I can’t condemn her for that, not without condemning myself, too. Wherever she is, she’s not beyond redemption. And neither am I.”

“YOU DON’T DESERVE REDEMPTION!!”

The whole room jumped out of its pixels, and everyone was upright in an instant, reacting to the screeching bug that had leapt to her feet, her yellow wings spread out and quivering with rage. She screamed in a voice that was suddenly far closer to how I remembered her:

“I LEFT YOU ALIVE BECAUSE THE BOYS BEGGED ME TO, NOT BECAUSE YOU DESERVED TO LIVE!”

Well.

All bets were off.

My first instinct was to fight. She was threatening me. Challenging me. Surely, she was about to dive right into me and we would lock into our fated fight to the death, just like I thought we would from day one. But as my hand snapped to the empty space at my hip where my brush would be, my path to her was suddenly blocked. A few other members had stepped in front of me. It took me just a second to realize that they were not barring me from her.

They were barring her from me.

I’ve felt alone to many varying, crushing degrees in this story, regardless of who was actually there for me. I’m not sure why, but that split-second moment when those sprites stepped in front of me was when I realized I wasn’t alone. I had never been alone. The thought that everyone in the arcade wanted me dead was never true. There were always allies waiting for me.

I had barely a moment to process that.

That was also the moment when the big, buff security guards leapt into action. Two of them were upon her immediately, gripping onto her arms and wings as she thrashed and buzzed. The third guard disappeared entirely, surely out to call the Surge Protector.

Voice deep with horror and disbelief, Clyde called out to her, “Worluk… You’re not really saying--?!”

“YES,” she snapped, “I’m SAYING. Don’t lie and tell me none of you ever thought to do the exact same thing! How can any of you say you trust this lying glitch?! You know she was in on the Roadblasters attack -- she even went all Turbo on Tapper’s, for Pong’s sake!”

A couple of voices came to my defense. I think they said that Tapper’s was a buff-related accident. That Worluk had no proof of my involvement in the Roadblasters incident. That I was just as much a victim as anybody.

I barely heard any of it. All I could hear, echoing again and again, drowning out all coherent thought, was your name said in her voice.

I wanted to push through everyone and rip out her tongue. I wanted to snap off her mandibles. I wanted to mangle her vocal cords just for thinking for one second that she deserved to say your name.

I didn’t do that. I stood there, breathing hard, flames roaring in my belly until I finally shouted the question I’d wanted to ask since the night of the attack.

“Why the HELL would I be in on it?!”

Everyone’s gaze turned to me. I was shaking, on the verge of tears from pure, raw emotion. Hearing that bug’s horribly familiar screams brought back harrowing flashes of the emotions and sensations I felt the day she tortured me. I felt that fear and helplessness once again, and that fact kicked up seething, scorching rage. I would not be her victim again. I locked eyes with Worluk, sharpened my voice to a deadly point, and demanded, “Why would I help my best friend kill himself?!”

She gave a single, ugly, humorless laugh. “He didn’t kill himself. You just didn’t save him. The plan went sideways, and you failed.”

I shook with so much fury, I felt like I was going to burst out of my own skin. I could barely stand to stay in one spot, twitching and tensing with animal rage. My allies started to lift their hands, trying to keep me under control and preparing to try to catch me if I leapt over them, which I was dying to do. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU SCUM-SUCKING BIT-BAG?! WHAT DO YOU CARE?! YOU DON’T CARE! YOU DON’T KNOW ME -- YOU DIDN’T KNOW EITHER OF US! YOU’RE JUST SOME SADISTIC FREAK WHO NEEDED SOME FRESH GORE TO GET OFF ON!”

“I CARE,” she roared back, fighting against the security guards’ arms, tendons in her neck straining as she threw herself into her wet, hissing screams, “BECAUSE I WATCHED YOU LEAP RIGHT OVER MY SISTER’S BURNING BODY JUST TO SAVE A MURDERER -- AND YOU COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT!”

That threw me. I blinked hard. “Your sister?! What sister?! What are you talking about?!”

“YEAH, MY SISTER! HER NAME WAS GARWOR! SHE WAS SWEET AND INNOCENT AND YOU COULD’VE SAVED HER, BUT NO, YOU WANTED TO SAVE THE MONSTER THAT STARTED THE FIRE IN THE FIRST PLACE! YOU REALLY WANNA LIVE, KNOWING THAT? IF I KILLED YOU, IT WOULD’VE BEEN A MERCY! I WOULD’VE SAVED YOU FROM YOUR OWN FILTHY, PATHETIC EXISTENCE!”

I didn’t understand. She had to be lying.

But the massive memory gap concerning the time of the Roadblasters incident scratched and dug at my brain. I still didn’t remember that day. But from the stories I’d gathered, there was a blast. There was fire. Always with the fire. It felt like her words were sharp fingers digging into my brain and trying to forcefully uproot my mind. A sharp, pounding headache hit my skull, and I couldn’t speak.

Before I could manage a response, Surge materialized in the room with a flash of static.

“Alright, alright now,” he said firmly, standing between Worluk and the group and holding a hand up to both sides. “Someone better tell me what’s going on here.”

“Gladly,” Worluk answered without hesitation. “Surge, I confess to the attempted murder of that scrawny waste of pixels over there named Make-it Mavis.”

Surge stood a bit straighter. He seemed surprised at how easy that was. “Is that right?”

“That’s right. I’d rather quit this stinkin’ program and be locked up for life than sit in here and have to pretend she and I are the same for a second longer.”

And, amazingly… that was it. I wish that I had said something more. Anything, really. Just to have the last word. But life doesn’t always work out that way. My head was so muddied up with the explosive stress of the encounter, I could barely speak.

Surge took the confession as the proof I wasn’t able to give him, and he cuffed her, and recited her sentence and rights to her as he and a guard escorted her out of the room and out of sight. To say everyone was shaken would have been an understatement. A couple sprites cried. One nearly had a panic attack and needed to be calmed down. No one came into the meeting that night expecting such a harrowing confrontation. Not even me.

I had come into the program wishing so badly that I could get rid of Worluk. Then, almost the second I convinced myself to live and let live, she got rid of herself for me. I think we really were very similar, in the end. I very easily could have left the program in a similarly explosive fashion. But the only difference between us was that I chose to do better.

I think that was really the moment that sealed my faith in the ‘colors’ idea. It really did come down to choice. She chose to give up.

And I could choose to heal.

That was my surrender. That was step three.

But at the end of that session, I was raw. I was fragile. I felt terribly sick. I made sure to thank everyone for defending me. It really did mean a lot. But I told everyone I’d take a session or two off just to rest and recover. They all understood, of course. A couple others even said the same. But we’d all be back, we promised.

I just had a lot to process.

#fanfiction #fanfic #wreck it ralph #make it mavis #original character #turbo #homesick

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agl03 · 4 years

Note

hey it’s not very mature of an adult to put a bunch of kids on blast. be the Bigger Person. like we all said, the mute and block button is there for a reason. adults can be in fandom spaces and that’s ok but they need to know how to act around people of other ages in said fandom.

Hi Anon,

Thanks for stopping by, I am seeing your comments and the comments of others on my posts and will, as you suggested, be blocking everyone shortly. I do want to give you time to read my response before I do and I will delete any further asks on the subject. This is a happy time in the fandom where we are minutes to hours to days away from cast pics and 13 days out from hiatus ending.

But a quick welcome to the fandom since those all look like new faces to me. My followers are welcome to do the same, if you check out the comments on my original ask response towards the bottom you will see who has been harassing other fans “in good fun” on twitter since last night. And now have decided to come to me about it.

For the record I blocked out all names of those involved and never put anyone else on blast in my responses. Neither did the person you were “having fun” with. She never tagged you. Someone else reblogged it later with the names on it as the comments continued to come in. After I posted my response to the situation. I never reblogged that because I didn’t want to put all those names out there and hoped that this would all just chill out over night.

I totally own that I originally made a venting post that it wasn’t okay to harass someone on Social Media. Again naming no names or even really indication the situation. If you are willing to scroll through the abyss of my blog you will see those pop up from time to time when fandom drama or shipping wars start. From there it was others who come to and sought me out to justify the situation and how they acted.

It’s here that I will ask why other “older” fans reactions to this behavior needs to be a whole let it go they are kids mentality? Just because you are younger doesn’t excuse hurting someone even if it was “in good fun” (which to be very clear the people you were directing it at were not having fun). What would you have said to me if I wasn’t an Adult and instead one of your peers saying that wasn’t “just having fun”? Would you question me then? Tell me to just chill out and let you have your fun? Call me names? Tell me to go home and cry? Or leave the fandom?

Yes, I am an adult and yes I am a mother in real life and somehow the Unofficial Fandom Mom around here. I can proudly say my child who is close to that age range mentioned in the ask would never treat anyone like that on Social Media. Just to be safe I showed her the screenshots of the blacked out names and comments and she said there was nothing fun about that and that is not how friends talk to each other or have fun. She had more to say as well when she found out it was someone she adores but we’ll keep those comments between us.

But no matter your age you and you alone are responsible for your own actions towards others. You knew the person receiving those comments wasn’t “having fun” yet you continued She and others did block and mute but more and more just kept coming in as new people joined in the “fun” and kept piling on.

I can’t speak for my followers but I do hope that both my older and younger followers feel I treat them all respectfully not matter their ages. That is just basic human decency. Heck I usually have no idea how old anyone is on here unless they mention finals or having a kid. None of that matters to me. What does matter is that everyone is treated with dignity and respect and we have a good time.

Fandom is a safe place and an escape for so many people, myself included. I don’t know what I would have done without it over the last few years. And it was fandom who was always a message away in the hospital last week. The actions of those last night ruined a safe place for someone who didn’t deserve it. I’ve had it happen to me before and it sucks. At the end of Season 4 one of my theories didn’t hit and I was sent the most hate I’ve ever gotten. Suddenly my happy place was gone and it was devastating. I had to step back and compose myself and accept I can only control my own actions, my experience in the fandom, and my response to others. I for the most part try to do so with dignity and respect at all times, but even I will have my buttons pushed one to many times and snap with comments like Immature.

I was the one who called the repeated harassing comments as an immature action. I totally own that and I stand by it because it was. Don’t blame who you were going after on that one. If I were still 16 I would have called it Immature then too.

You were “playing” with someone who wasn’t into the game. People were asking you to stop. And “What we were just having a little fun?” isn’t an okay answer no matter how old you are. Seriously had that happened in a school environment would a teacher have dismissed it as all in good fun when someone was so upset and hurt? Had a the tables been turned and it was Adults fans “that should know better” making those comments then I feel there would be an entirely different conversation going on.

I was being bigger person by blacking out those involved and still seriously addressing a question that came into my ask box as I always do. Again something I do often when addressing fandom drama. Now via comments you have chosen to reveal yourselves on here. Not me. You continued to post on her posts on twitter where anyone could take and post those screen shots. That someone wasn’t me. I could post screen shots of your comments on my posts right now, but won’t do that. I’ll let those who want to check them out do so on their own.

You aren’t gong to win “It was all in good fun” with me no matter how many of these kinds of asks come in.

Long post short:

“What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.” Jane Goodall

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lovestory · 3 years

Note

Please don’t take offence, I was just trying to educate myself from somebody who is willing to talk openly about it, because they have both blamed their past behaviour on their BPD but I wasn’t sure if it was even a justifiable excuse to blame it on that? If they lied about the things they lied about because they were unwell then I could sympathise but a part of me just didn’t believe that’s why they did it, I thought that they got caught out and used it as an excuse for people to go easier on them for making up such an horrific lie but you can’t tell somebody they’re lying when they are telling you they’re doing things because they’re ill 😫 definitely gives people with BPD a bad name.

it is not a symptom to lie about assault; it’s using something that you’ve been diagnosed with to excuse your behavior. i am not trying to say i haven’t done things that were unacceptable and it does me no good to pretend i’ve not done anything wrong. there was a time before i was diagnosed when my chest would clench up whenever my partner went to a social event without me, because i thought they were never coming back. i would sob and beg and scratch my arms repeatedly. there were times when i was an absent friend or i snapped because my mood was bad or i burst into tears at the drop of a hat. but those moments came from a person who was abused as a child and who didn’t know differently and went on to seek help and get better. not everyone shares that privilege or even awareness of their condition. i don’t like the idea that i can never be a good person because of that.

#self harm tw//#Anonymous

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tacittherapist · 4 years

Text

((HS2 Spoilers under the cut!))

((For all the shit I give the epilogues, it does have its moments. Specifically highlighting this bit of dialogue here: ROXY: you think you choice mattered so much that no one elses could measure up? ROXY: n then what ROXY: did u get what u wanted? ROXY: did your life end and the points got tallied and you came out on top or like what? ROXY: still p much seems like were movin to me ROXY: and you sure dont seem like ur winnin so wheres all this good shit you got that you gotta go around handin out apologies for? ROXY: also damn dude while were at it!! ROXY: u forgot to actually say sorry in that apology! JOHN: no, i didn’t — i just meant... JOHN: i’m sorry for fucking up your life, or making it not— ROXY: i like my life!!! ROXY: i mean it aint perf and i got my share of fuckups n mistakes in there but you dont get to tell me its fucked up ROXY: or that it isnt real or somethin ROXY: its mine!

First: criticism. The writers wield this little section like a crude cudgel. They use it to underscore the weight of ‘canon’. This is the ‘candy’ timeline, so it supposedly ‘weighs less’ than the ‘meat’ timeline, but its characters still have meaningful thoughts and emotions. Here, John supposedly makes a choice that supposedly invalidates a bunch of supposedly important events, and Roxy here blows it all out of the water by claiming she made these choices too and that part of the blame rests with her in the direction her life has taken... which is total dogshit used to justify a bunch of really overt swings in character thematic. Continued here: ROXY: you wished i was one way the whole time we were married ROXY: but i wasnt ROXY: but now that youre all convinced ur the only real boy in a crowd o puppets ROXY: here i am bein me just like you ordered only i did it without your help ROXY: widen ur zoom my man!! ROXY: im not actin like this now because you want me to or bc you dont want me to ROXY: i was bad at standin up for myself then and im learnin to be good at it now ROXY: ive got my own self actualization train ROXY: ur just pullin in to one of my many roxy figures some shit out stations right as i built it JOHN: but... JOHN: you were never like that before i... ROXY: dude ROXY: where tf do u get off trying to decide what is or isnt me being “like me” enuff ROXY: do u think ppl stay the same their whole damn lives or what JOHN: you’ve really never felt like anything about our lives here was... off? ROXY: off from what exactly?? JOHN: the way things should be? ROXY: what does that mean???

Roxy here argues that there is no ‘one right way to be’ as a half-baked wink to the audience that all this gross mischaracterization is intentional and that it diverges so grossly from the established character arcs in order to demonstrate that nothing is set in stone. While technically true, this also makes for some pretty terrible writing.

Roxy was a caring, almost too involved individual before the epilogues. Her ditching Calliope for John and this messy marriage business and just letting Jane warp into a full-blown dictator makes no sense, even couched within the idea that ‘characters change.’ Yes, characters change, but there’s generally a reason for it! And not a shitty deus ex machina reason such as ‘John makes a choice!’ What even fucking happened to Candy Calliope anyway? She just fucked off somewhere? How do you sincerely throw a character away like that and then have the gall to wink at the audience as if what you’ve done makes sense? Changes in character are generally brought on by catalysts in their life! Trauma, joy, death, new settings, new ideas, events! Not... John deciding to eat a plate full of candy. If we had insight into Roxy’s thought process behind ditching Calliope and marrying John and having a kid on a whim, this might be saved. But we don’t even get a glimpse. Instead we’re pawned this shitty excuse for a very glaring departure from what we knew about Roxy. Character development is just that -- development! As in to become more complex or advanced! Roxy has made wrong choices in the past, yes, but her reasoning was laid bare in such a way that those wrong choices made sense for her to make. She then makes different decisions later because she learned from her wrong decisions. This is development! Her character is learning and changing behavior because of the things they’ve been through! Her reasoning for this awful series of bad choices is just... not explained, despite going against a ton of shit Roxy has learned. It’s slipshod. It’s careless. It’s sacrificing the tree to showcase the topper. The audience isn’t vested in this Roxy because she’s seemingly robbed of her agency, and then they’re trying to foist this idea that she somehow still has agency on us as if they didn’t preface the entire timeline with ‘well, all this shit is going to happen because we decided it and no other reason!’

Now: the praise. This bit of dialogue has huge implications for ‘non-canon’ dynamic. No, not ‘non-canon’ in the cheeky way the epilogues and HS2 claim to be ‘non-canon.’ I mean ‘non-canon’ as in this blog that I run and all the blogs that you, the reader, are writing and reading as well. Roxy’s insistence that characters change can swing the other way, too. Characters can develop in bad ways as well! Not bad as in bad writing, but bad as in flawed character reasoning! Suppose what Roxy learned from her time in HS1 was that most things can be solved by unvoiding fix-all solutions into existence? Then we might be able to see her trying to fix the human-troll-population issue by just... making more planets! Or unvoiding some sort of device trolls could wear that inhibits hivemind tendencies! That would be interesting and perhaps morbid to write about!! It would at least track with her past experiences!!! Or better yet: perhaps she actually takes a side against Jane (as she has done in the past) but instead of using their friendship as the moral plating, she went right into sarcastic arguments FOR eugenics to demonstrate how bigoted Jane was being? That’s a very Roxy thing to do!! She could have made the argument that if trolls need eugenics to suppress their violent tendencies, then so should humans! Having read about the Condesce’s eugenic practices during her formative years, this should have been fairly obvious to Roxy that what Jane was suggesting was from the same playbook, at least.

But I digress. What this bit of dialogue really does is give credence to us, the audience, in exploring these stories we’re currently writing for these pre-established characters. YES, canon Rose likely didn’t dabble so thoroughly in game magics, and she likely didn’t have as much anxiety as my Rose. BUT I prefaced my Rose’s current state with a bunch of events that make sense! She missed her rendezvous with the others! She had to float adrift, alone in a broadcast satellite, for nigh on a decade! She’s had a long fucking time to develop all these anxieties and mental illness because that’s what happens when you’re isolated for years! It is a tool I use to express my own anxieties and explore how someone might somehow overcome them! And most importantly: she’s still Rose. She has unprocessed mother issues. She cherishes her friends. She’s more than a bit gay. And she knows when the meta is using her and when it’s not, because she’s had a traumatic experience being used by Doc Scratch as a plot device. And that trauma isn’t going away (well, unless she gets therapy, but given the setting we’re writing... not likely), so she’s going to be overly cautious when it comes to big decisions involving her friends. What she’s not going to do is suddenly abandon everyone she’s departed from because uhhh Jade ate some bread the wrong way or whatever.

tl;dr: What this section of the epilogues/HS2 (well, really just this bit with Harry Andersen, Tavros, and Vrissy that is somehow more interesting than virtually EVERY OTHER PART of HS2) is telling us, the audience, is that it is good to diverge from canon. Non-canon characters will still have very real feelings and face very real consequences for their actions. Just... don’t do it like they did it. All these characters we’re writing for and all these events we’re writing around them... they’re valid! They matter! Just because they’re not canon doesn’t mean others are willing and wanting to read them, and that makes them important! Unfortunately, this also means the epilogues/HS2 are important, but let’s ignore that for now. What I’m trying to say is: be indulgent! Write the things you want to write! As long as they’re well-reasoned, they’re good writing! Characters can be overpowered! They can be cliche! They can have teenage problems as an adult! Just... give them a good reason.))

#ooc #hs2

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chaosbcrne · 4 years

Text

i've contemplated making this post for some time now and kept struggling when trying to find the right words to even begin with. i've come to the conclusion that there's no one good way to do this, especially coming out of nowhere as it is, so i'll just preface it by saying, to you, whoever might be reading this, you are under no obligation or expectation to read any further.

i am making this post to address as much as i can think of addressing, as a way of having proper closure here. this is not me trying to make a comeback or anything of the sort, it's just me trying to close the book for myself and anyone else who might feel concerned. so please, if you know enough to know why i disappeared, if hearing from me stresses you out, if my presence makes you feel unsafe to any degree or you know it might have a negative effect on your mental state or even just your mood, please do not feel any pressure to read on. you will not be out of the loop if you do not read this, this post will have zero impact on you or the community. this post will not be deleted or edited either, so if you can't stand to just ignore it, feel free to come back to it later.

before i get into anything, i want to apologize for any potential bad timing; i have not logged in here or otherwise seen the state of the dash since roughly two or three weeks after my last post (so about four months ago). i do not know who is or is not following me or who otherwise might see this post , i do not have the slightest idea of how the community fares these days. i apologize if this happens to be published at an especially bad time, or on the contrary it's a particularly good one, it's purely coincidental, and i encourage you once again to simply come back to this when it's more convenient if you do feel like you ought to read what follows.

as stated previously i have had no contact with this blog or any of the blogs that were previously associated with it in a few months now. i have no idea if what happened where i'm concerned was addressed publicly or not. i do believe it would have warranted a callout post, but i don't know if one was actually made. it makes it difficult to address when i don't know what people generally do or don't know, so i'll just say this: everything you've heard, if you've heard anything, is probably true.

the abuse, the gas-lighting, the suicide baiting, the mean or passive-aggressive comments, the talking smack about people in private. all of it happened, and it was happening for several months, and i'm not here to try to deny or justify any of it. i'm sure anyone who paid attention to the dash was able to observe that i had questionable vibes at best, and i'm here to tell you that it was much, much worse in private, and it was much, much worse for those who endured it than i could ever make it out to be.

for most of the time i was on here, i tried to advocate against elitism, clique culture and all around bad energies while being one of the main people to perpetuate them. i never questioned myself and if anyone confronted me, i took for granted that they were wrong and argued around it. i had a 'assume people are shitty until proven otherwise' mindset that resulted in a lot of unwarranted aggression, mistrust and guilt-tripping towards many people. i caused an immense amount of tension and distress, both on and off the dash, and never took responsibility for any of it at the time. for that, i am sincerely sorry.

there's only so much i can say without starting to list everything i've done to people individually - which i think would be inappropriate considering i am making this post without speaking to them first or otherwise knowing whether they've recovered or would be okay with me disclosing the details of our involvements.

however, i don't want to simply dismiss my actions by confirming i did them and moving on, either. if there are any allegations i should address or at least acknowledge in more details, please let me know. i just quite frankly don't know how to publicly take accountability for things that went on over the course of a long time, or that weren't always explicit, or that i may not realize the full extent of even now, seeing as i've never gotten to actually discuss them with the people concerned. i don’t want to make this a potentially triggering read for those who were involved by bringing up details without their permission, but i don’t want those who weren’t involved to assume my actions were minor offenses only because said details are lacking, either. it's important not to underestimate the gravity of the harm i've caused, and far be it from me to try and sweep it under the rug. in that sense, the only thing i can say is, make no mistake, i am 100% guilty of all of it.

what’s more, me admitting to my wrongdoings is only me going off of what i can remember. i can guarantee that all i've done is even worse than i make it sound, seeing as it's worse than i'm able to comprehend, for i was never the one on the receiving end of my behavior.

for the longest time i wholeheartedly believed i couldn't be a bad person because i never /meant/ to hurt anyone. i was wrong. i was a bad person because even when i knew that i was capable of unintentionally hurting people, i did not take responsibility or seek to correct my behavior. i always had (pardon the language) bullshit excuses to justify my actions and invalidate the pain of those i hurt, whether it was to myself or to other people. i thought my initial intentions mattered more than the effect they had, and therefore no harm was ever actually my fault because i hadn't intended it.

it's an incredibly toxic mindset to have. it's the same rhetoric with which racists, homophobics, ableists and such people can get away with racism, homophobia, ableism and so on without guilt- by convincing themselves that if they don't mean it that way, then it absolves them of blame, and whatever harm they cause is technically the victim's fault for taking offense to it. it's a very harmful thought process, and not at all the kind of person i want to be, and i'm sorry i hurt so many before i came to understand this.

for what it's worth, i am getting help. i am seeing a therapist once a week since may, with the goal of understanding where my abusive and manipulative reflexes come from and getting rid of them. beyond our weekly sessions, i was given an exercise to do on my own time, on a daily basis (or at least as often as i interact with others), meant to help me learn to believe in the inherent goodness of people and develop a kinder and more optimistic disposition towards them. i have also taken a summer course in communication in hopes of (re)learning how to properly listen and be more receptive of people's thoughts (and especially criticism), although that has admittedly not proven quite as effective as i'd hoped, so i am looking to consult with a specialist in that department when post-pandemic re-openings allow it.

obviously, none of these efforts make up for what i've done. they are quite frankly too little too late and will never erase the pain i've inflicted. unfortunately, they are also the only concrete action i can take to make amends after the fact, now that the damage is done. or so it seems from my current perspective.

if there is anything else i can do to make up for even a fraction of the harm i've caused, i would be very thankful to hear about it. if there is something i am at fault for that i may not be taking accountability for, i would also like to know. keeping in mind that, while knowing exactly how my behavior was problematic would allow me to better take the blame for it, this is not an obligation or expectation in any way. please only let me know about such things if you feel secure in doing so; do not feel pressured if you feel it would compromise you. my growth is no one's responsibility but my own. that being said, i know that i scared and bullied a lot of people into silence in the past, and i feel like inviting you to speak up about the stress or pain i've caused you is the least i can do to make up for it. if it's more empowering for you to ignore this and move on, by all means, just ignore this and move on.

if at all possible, i would also like to apologize for my behavior - more than just generally. i honestly believe that i have caused some manner of torment, whether directly or indirectly, to everyone in this community, and that everyone is deserving of an apology. i am fully aware that most of the people concerned likely feel unsafe at the idea of being in touch with me in any way, so i will not be reaching out to you directly myself, but with your permission, i would like to personally and individually apologize to anyone willing to indulge me for a brief exchange. i am not doing this to earn your forgiveness; i am doing this because i genuinely feel bad. if i can contribute to your finding closure by acknowledging how i've wronged you, it's the least i can do. i promise that i have no intention of using this as an opportunity to renew contact and that, should you do me this favor, you will be more than welcome to completely cut ties after the fact with no hard feelings on my end.

i can be reached in a fairly timely manner (as in, i am logged in on those accounts on my phone) on discord (Eph#2409) and tumblr ( @friendlifyre ). if a less instant method of communication is more comfortable for you, the e-mail [email protected] is at your disposal. if you don't mind the wait, you can also give me a nudge on this blog, as i will be (albeit rarely) logging in here to work on old drafts (without publishing them) until they're finished or i otherwise feel content with leaving this part of my life behind.

as a small addendum, i am humbly asking to please be civil if you use any of these methods to reach me. while i am arguably deserving of the death threats and insults coming my way, i am sharing these specifically to make open communication possible, and to make it easier to avoid me for those who wish to do so. i will not silence you if you choose an aggressive approach as i recognize it's ultimately what i deserve; i only ask that you at least consider that i am really just trying to do something right in the wake of all the wrong i've done, and i would appreciate if all related messages could remain constructive and not just mean for the sake of being mean.

as a conclusion i can only apologize once more for the bad vibes i brought into this community. it will be months if not years of active work on myself before i can confidently say that i have made progress and become a better person, yet i suspect a good number of people may carry with them the tension and fear i've instigated far longer. i am truly sorry. i can only offer, for what little consolation it might be, that not at single day goes by that i don't regret my actions and feel the weight of them.

if i could give my past self any advice, or anyone who indulges in similar attitudes, it would be to keep questioning yourself, to stop assuming you know better. just because your intentions are not bad does not mean they never affect people in a bad way. just because you can recognize abusive behavior in others, does not make it inherently impossible for you to be abusive. make an effort every day to consider those around you as individuals, even when it's easier to view them as parts of a bigger whole, of a community. learn not only to be kind but to think kindly, to catch yourself when you think mean thoughts and condition yourself to a more positive approach. assume people are good until proven otherwise. if there's anything you want to get off your chest that you wouldn't want divulged to the whole world, even when you think you're just harmlessly venting, you are ultimately spreading negativity and should work on getting rid of it from within instead.

it's always more work to improve than to stay the way you are, but you owe it to everyone else if not to yourself to be someone who's good to be around.

thank you for taking the time to read this if you have. regardless of who did or whether there is any kind of response to this, i will continue this work-in-progress that is my self and try to make sure i never put anyone else through what i've been putting people through here. i am glad i have the opportunity to acknowledge at least some of my problematic behavior and apologize, as it seemed, for quite some time now, the only logical step i hadn't taken yet in my journey to moving forward.

once again, thank you for reading this, and, assuming this is the last interaction we'll have with one another, i wish you the very, very best.

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