#i am having to force myself to eat

[andromeda3116]

planning to make a move tonight with this guy and deeply terrified even though i know he's interested, he's made it very clear that he's interested but putting the ball in my court to decide what, if anything, i want and i've made up my mind to pursue this but like. i've been single since the obama administration because there's not, like, a person-shaped hole in my life, i don't need to be with someone to feel whole, and i have to make room in my life for another person and idk how to do this and i hate feeling vulnerable or exposed or out of control and giving someone else the power to hurt me and having to just. trust that they won't. but i kind of... accidentally already gave him that power without realizing it. i kind of... feel like this is just acknowledging something that's already started.

i am. so nervous.

like, a little giddy, a little eager, a lot anxious for no reason other than how terrified i am of major changes even when i feel like they're good ones and. and. and.

#i am having to force myself to eat #i have cleaned the whole apartment. i am shaking like a leaf. i will 100% need a glass of liquid courage. #i've already told all my family that i'm doing this so i can't chicken out. #it just feels like... it's time. we're here. we've reached this point. #he won't be over here for like four more hours and my brain is eating itself. #this is going to be comical probably i am just going to have to come out of the gate with it bc if i wait i'll chicken out. #i've been trying to come up with what to say all week but i know my mind is going to go blank and i'll end up babbling. #he knows about my issues with vulnerability. he knows about my anxiety. he knows about... me. #he'll probably pick up on the gist of it even if i'm stumbling through what i need to say #hnnngh #i feel like komi from komi can't communicate when she accidentally calls tadano #like bouncing around the room ''panic panic panic panic'' #and its been all day of this and like probably four more hours of it and ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[simgerale]

me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game

#hi everyone #I’m going around hugging you all #okay now that we are gathered here today #i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best #i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time #and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol #but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine #literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything #I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake…. #I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour #then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it #and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again #I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do #so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour. #I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday #y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts #I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story #I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my #own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing? #y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents #.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire #but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself #I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump #I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions #I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well #I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day. #but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it #I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing #I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!! #I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time

[actualaster]

I think some people genuinely don't grasp the concept of "sensory issues" when it comes to things like food.

A food sensory issue is not "I don't want to eat that because it isn't my preferred flavor"

A food sensory issue is "something about the taste/texture/smell of this is incompatible with my brain and it makes me gag and if you try to force that into me I will choke on it and/or throw up"

A food sensory issue is "something set me off and now I can't eat for hours because I feel sick to my stomach and there isn't a way to fix that especially if the sensory trigger is lingering like a smell"

A food sensory issue is "you might as well have asked me to eat a bowl full of rocks because this is about as edible to me, no matter how much I wish that weren't the case"

A food sensory issue is "I haven't eaten anything decent in 3 days because I haven't had a chance to go to the store and I don't have anything left I'm physically capable of eating"

A food sensory issue is "I'm super fucking hungry but I took one bite and no matter how hard I tried to eat it I automatically gagged it back out because my body completely rejects it because of the taste/texture/smell"

A food sensory issue is "struggling to maintain a passable diet so you don't have a bunch of deficiencies because what you can eat is restricted"

Quite frankly, food sensory issues should really be treated similarly to food allergies in that you cannot safely try to trick or force a person to eat them.

#sensory issues #autism #legit when something sets mine off it 100% shuts down my ability to eat no matter how hungry i am #it makes me feel sick to my stomach if i don't immediately remove the trigger (or myself if its a smell) #there's plenty of stuff that i dont really *like* but i *can* eat in a pinch i just opt not to if avoidable #but there's other things that if the choice was between eating them or starving to death there's #a real high chance I'd just die because i physically cannot force my body to accept them as food #some things have gotten better over the years and i can either manage to eat them or at least the smell doesn't prevent me eating #but there are others that i simply cannot handle and the mere thought of eating them makes me feel sick #ableism #(bc dismissing them is a form of ablemism)

[kylermalloy]

I am a grown adult woman with a salaried job and I can still quote Veggietales word for word

#stuff #veggietales #kylerrambles #‘hello. i am the englishman who went up the hill and came down with all the bananas. leaving of course the inhabitants of the hill #with NO bananas. and therefore bestowing the term ‘selfish’ upon myself.’ #‘you’re SO selfish!’ #‘i know. but i’ve got all the bananas.’ #‘well…aren’t you going to eat them?’ #‘why of course not! you can’t have bananas without strawberries.’ #*cut to the swede* #okay that’s enough #someone’s gonna stop me by force if i don’t stop myself #althought honestly the story is a pretty succinct summation of mindless acquisition #today’s capitalists could learn a thing or two from it

[piplupod]

i need to lie down and curl into a ball and tuck myself into a box and be gently lowered into the earth i think. and just stay there for a few days... years... however long it needs to be until i can exist without feeling like i am a prey animal being hunted for sport every day !!!!!!!

#And Suddenly Everything Felt Overwhelming Again. And Suddenly Reality Opened Its Eyes And Gazed Into My Own. #I can't even think straight like... how do people live entire lives #how do they exist without forcing themselves to continue every day and ignore the clanging bells of how Bad it all is #how do ppl ignore the siren song of how fragile the body is and how easy it would be to break the thread keeping the self alive #like i do think maybe death should not be such an easily obtainable thing. its so tempting and i hate it #I Don't Know !!!! head in my hands. i did not eat lunch today because I felt so bad so maybe that has made things worse #it has definitely made things worse. i want to have an existence where I do not feel this bad so often. #this is not a life to live. this is an existence to endure. i am tired i am tired i am tired. #but it will be okay again soon after I eat and distract myself. life is happy and wonderful when i do not Remember it All. god. #please ignore me as i throw a tantrum fdsjkl i am embarrassed in advance honestly. something is not right in my head right now.

[soldier-poet-king]

U know when ur brain is Like That and whatever it is you have to eat is suddenly Illegal???

#the duality of fran #ughhhhh i am upset with myself #i have issues with leftovers. just generally #so mostly i only ever cool things i can tolerate as leftover #i have the last batch of that pumpkin soup #that i do NOT want to eat and its all gross and it's not like. rotten #but trying to force myself to eat it sounds like hell rn #but also guilt complex abt food yknow???? #im not doing anyonr any favours by just skipping lunch bc my brain hates the thought of it rn #i think. I'm just gonna have to toss it. eaf a granola bar (i always carry some for this reason) #and then. try to forgive myself. eat a proper dinner #i think i hate depression food obessions more than i hate the actual depression sometimes #ughhh and i have to meal plan #i go insane if i eat the same thing always but i also get so nervous trying new foods #bc my mother lives in my brain and yells at me anytime anything turns out bad or where i cant force myself to eat it #i only ever try things that im 90% sure I'll like #And still. #unfortunately. i am realizing my mother left me with major food anxieties #just not in the usual ED way. i got the guilt complex food waste if i don't clear my plate im sinning way #if leftovers go bad? or produce molds before i can use it? im satan incarnate #BUT ONLY ME. EVERYONE ELSE IS FINE. THIS STANDARD ONLY APPLIES TO ME

[seventh-district]

so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh

#hsr #honkai star rail #hsr 2.2 #hsr spoilers #hsr leaks #the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am #i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before #but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one #so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days #it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me #but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and #gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it #and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story #not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know #but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game #anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :) #and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream #pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we #i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see- #-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out.. #the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!) #i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!? #they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing #Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it #and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet #also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow. #that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!! #not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good #Seven.txt #viddy game stuff

[arowrath]

my shirt that says "i don't have an eating disorder" has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt

#text #(this is a reference to another tweet i dont have a shirt that says that) #ed tw #weight loss tw #talk about weight in general tw #like yes i eat the same thing almost every single day & have to force myself through every bite #no i dont have an eating disorder #i just have autism and anxiety and its making my life a little bit unliveable at the moment ❤️ #i know i also have arfid which yes is an eating disorder but not like. in the way people probably think of if they look at me during #a meal and judge the way im eating and decide they think i have an ed (which i know is anxiety and nobody does that but still) #but i probably wouldnt get diagnosed bc im at a ''healthy weight'' #even tho i know that for My Body it's not healthy . i was eating relatively well for a brief period of my senior year of high school #& very briefly my freshman year of college #and i got to around [number] both times #and they were both short periods of time so i still dont know what like. a healthy weight would be For Me and for My body #but i know a doctor would tell me my weight rn is Normal and Good and that if i gain weight thats Bad and Wrong #even though i am definitely not eating enough and not getting enough Fuel For My Body To Work Right #its such bullshit. also i hope whoever invented the bmi kills themself #Well anyway. swagever ive been eating one singular slice of pizza for half an hour so i gotta get back to that

[oflgtfol]

i was talking to my therapist last week about how i'm kinda excited but also equally apprehensive about starting grad school this fall because yes, i so so desperately needed a gap year otherwise i think i literally would have killed myself and/or had a breakdown big enough to land me in the hospital, and even beyond that i just needed to figure out a more concrete plan of what i'm going to do with my life in general -- while all of that is true, and i'm glad i took the gap year for it, i'm also apprehensive because i genuinely feel like an entirely different person than i was even at this exact point in time last year, nevermind anything earlier than that. it's only been a single year of me being out of school but my life has changed so dramatically, mostly for the better, and my whole personality has flipped on its head, it's just going to be so fucking weird going back to the same school, the same campus, potentially seeing my old friends around. augh

#sorry i was trying to find a post in my music tag in my archive and i scrolled so far back i got all the way to april 2023 #where i referenced sitting in a dining hall #and its like. DINING HALL ?!?!?! #im going to be sitting in the fucking dining hall again in just like four months. UGH #brot posts #it's almost similar to the separation between high school and college. where i feel like hs me was completely different than college me #and now only a mere year later i feel like. post-undergrad me is completely different than undergrad me #although now that separation is exacerbated by how short a time it was and just HOW drastic a change it was #like . a bitch goes on antidepressants suddenly theyre a whole new person. #like im lowkey excited to see my old classmates and friends again #but i also am dreading it bc like hi. hey. i have the same name and face as the person you knew but i'm someone else now. sorry #and also just the persistent fear that i'm going to regress or at least even just /feel/ like im regressing #just by being back in that environment again? #even if i'll be on meds this time and actually going to therapy and overall having so much more support than i did in the past #so as nostalgic as i am to be on campus again it's also like. hard to separate the present from the past #like despite it all. this bathroom was still the very same place i went to have a mental breakdown weekly #this bench outdoors was the place i sat by myself to eat lunch in the blistering cold bc i couldnt eat indoors during covid 2020-2021 #this bench indoors was where my friends had an intervention with me and forced me to call the on-campus mental health services #just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories #oh the woes of going to grad school at the same place you got your undergrad. While mentally ill #but alas i need to save money by commuting and having instate tuition

[kirby-the-gorb]

#kirby #daily kirby #my art #digital #hal laboratory #nintendo #it seems our gas furnace was contributing to my flare up so my wife went out and bought a space heater. #(mcas is an illness that can react to literally anything regardless of how safe a thing probably is for most people) #(and yes I am vaguely aware twitter was arguing about natural gas but I've never liked it personally) #(it smells bad which usually means that it's bad for me) #(which like convenient that that one single safety system works! glad things I find unpleasant turn out to be things I should avoid) #(cuz I know that's not the case for everyone) #(and like growing up undiagnosed autistic I was really pushed to just put up with unpleasant sensations) #(so it's good to have double justification for not forcing myself to eat foods I know I don't like and so on) #(but I'd turned it off yesterday cuz I had a hunch) #(and I turned it back on this morning cuz I didn't want the cat to be cold) #(and I hadn't had a flare last night) #(but I started feeling worse whenever it kicked on.) #(so.) #(pretty straightforward answer there.) #(whoops left half of the thought shared with twitter in the post body -n-)

[lautakwah]

what is UP w old people always putting their phones on speaker when calling and yelling into the mic like goddd shut up. please.

#theyre so goddamned loud normally i wld just fucking leave but i am Eating rn #literally forcing myself to eat bc i dont even have an apppetite but if i dont eat thats worse ykwim bc. im. sick. #and it's just ughhhh my headache is NOT getting better like this!!!!!!!! #ling.txt

[deathbypufferfish]

If I don't get my appetite back soon I might fully lose it. How is eating food hard. It's like one of the three things humans do.

#puffer talks #i know its my stomach issues but #it took me three hours to eat one cup of panera mac and cheese #i am still eating but its miserable #im just not getting hungry after breakfast #and when i try to eat it feels like im force feeding myself like im full #i have periods where my stomach csnt stop being hungry and it's painful and then periods where i have no appetite #uigfghh #also i feel like when i talk about health stuff it is immediately taken as venting #or that im seriously upset #but im not its just a fact of my life and im just frustrated #i am not sad or anything im just annoyed

[boomerang109]

I hate mental illness so much

#Im mostly having a good day like #my mom sent me the iron supplements she took when she had anemia and like #for having 14-20 hours of rehearsal in the last 48 hours I am surprisingly energized so like clearly they’re working #but I simply cannot get myself to eat #and because of that I haven’t left the house and like I’m not yet late for class #but if I don’t leave soon I will be #but I can’t go to class without eating #cause I skipped dinner last night thinking I’d wake up feeling less like this #and still this morning I just don’t want to eat #I think I’m just gonna have cheerios cause I think I’m just overthinking it #like trying to force myself to have protein when really I just need to have SOMETHING #but ugh #literally my 10-11am hour is supposed to be for working and I woke up at 8am and have done NOTHING #live laugh love #life of a boomerang #disordered eating tw

[tanktopgallavich]

🎵📚🚗

#man i am really going through it today #yesterday almost everyone i know got tickets to a festival with so many of the bands i grew up #and they'll be playing their entire albums from that era #i wanted to go so badly but couldn't justify ~$400 for one day #and flying to vegas next october esp i'm not sure where i'll be living at that time #then my book club of 3 years announced it is ending after next month bc the leader doesn't have time for meetings #also the author of a cozy mystery series i enjoy said her publisher wants her to branch out so there won't be any more books #moreover my amazon package got lost so now i might not get what i need by thansgiving #right now i'm stuck in bumper to bumper traffic trying to get home for thanksgiving #my drive is already 50% longer than it should have been #currently eating chips at a highway rest stop to cope with the horrors before i force myself back into the car #wwwy #personal

[vettelcore]

tw disordered eating i guess

reading the tags on that previous post people think it's concerning that esteban has to eat shakes or whatever you want to call that mysterious blended thick mixture to get enough calories and as someone who also struggles to put on weight and eat enough calories, that's just normal??

maybe i have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food and i still haven't accepted it but my high calorie protein shakes give me life lmao

#am i missing something here or #if you can't meet the necessary calories/nutrients with just your regular meals (which i can't most days) #is there something wrong with putting a bunch of shite in a blender and eating it?? #like yeah some days i have to force myself to eat that shake but it's either that or struggle to make it to 1500kcals #and if I'm working/being active that puts me in calorie deficit territory #if i don't force myself to eat i can easily go almost all day without eating #<- and that's not me bragging being quirky omg it's 6pm and I just had a coffee this morning 🤪 #im just saying it how it is lol #'im not hungry why should i eat' and when i realised i lost 5kg and became underweight lol

[eddiebabygirldiaz]

just realized that i was being so damn unkind to myself while writing first son au

#like i had myself on a deadline for no good reason #forced myself to write even when i didnt want to #pushed myself beyond my limits and sometimes forgot to eat or even go to the bathroom #just spent practically every day holed up and doing nothing but writing and trying to wring everything out of myself as i could #so bad for me honestly #and that doesn't take away my love for this fic at all #i cherish first son with everything i have #but im gonna be better to myself in the future #cause i am doing this mainly for me and because i enjoy it and i dont want writing to become something i dread or have to force myself to do #all this to say that i started writing again today and just kept it chill #wrote what came to me and stopped when i didnt have anything else #didnt set a ridiculous goal for myself just followed the vibes #and goddamn it was so nice #ryan rambles