#i dont wanna seem ungrateful but this is how i feel | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thatwasntlikeridingabikeuasshole · 1 year

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the plot has been thickening too much lately. yeah it's too thick now. we should add some water maybe. thinnen that thick ass plot.

#one of her friends who she talked to after i asked her to prom #sits next to my two best friends in physics #and today he was like 'haha so yall found out who ruby likes then'#and they got to talking abt it and they told him how were just going as friends and he was apparently shocked bc of how she reacted #after i asked like what she said to him after #he thinks shes into me and i have no idea what to think bc the reasons we arent going as dates have nothing to do with me #but idk if theres a secret third thing 'im also not into u like that'#he seems to be convinced otherwise #im back at square one! i have no idea how she feels! except at least she liked me enough in general to be absolutely thrilled to go to prom #with me. god bless #im still overwraught with joy at that either way mind you. especially with all that our mutual friend says about what she said to him #but you see how the plot is too thick #i feel like its wrong of me to still be worried abt her feelings abt me when she clearly said with valid reasoning that she doesnt wanna #date or be dates to prom and just go as friends #but i cant help wondering bc if she wants to be with me but feels she cant for whatever reason i dont want her to feel that way #but i feel like this sounds like i dont respect her decision! i do!! and it seems ungrateful!!!! god the fact that she knows i love her-#and i told her i really like her but she must be able to tell i love her-#she knows i love her and she still cares about me. enough to be thrilled and happy about going to prom with me! and if its that she just #doesnt have romantic feelings for me thats OKAY i am blessed enough that shes in my life. that she WANTS TO BE IN MY LIFE.#and if its that she does but she doesnt want to act on them for reasons beyond me thats also OKAY i would wait a thousand years for her if #its what would make her comfortable and happy #just knowing she knows i love her and she still likes me is enough no matter what else but #its the not knowing thats killing me #its killing me. but i am so full of joy this whole day i have been full with it #my friends are proud of me i feel brave and fulfilled #i pass faces of people who know us both in the halls and i know they all know i love her #and i havent seen her since i asked nor spoken since she clarified over snapchat #tomorrow i will though. and i have no idea how things will be.#i feel like im going crazy but by god its wonderful

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minglana · 1 year

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grrrrrrr why cant i get myself to work

#i have to turn in a group project for tomorrow #and im the one that has worked the most on the writing part while another person has done more on the excel part #but we need to turn in a paper. with some graphs #i dont wanna talk in the gc bc i feel like the girl hates me bc to her it seems like im lazy and dont do work #like at least i feel like shes the one pulling most of the weight in the group #so if i send a message asking everyone to work it might seem....... ungrateful? tone-deaf? idk how to put it lmao #but yeah idk im also just not motivated to do it bc my brain has run out of ideas and i cant write any more😔#z xarre #ta esborrar

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hecksupremechips · 1 month

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Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺

#dont wanna see family tomorrow and im sleeping saur bad lately i couldnt sleep last night and then had a typical fever dream #which gave me a really cute idea for a movie so im gonna keep it in my pocket #but it was one of those things where its like it says a whole lot about me and my trauma and its stressful #um um um and also im juggling all these different things like im sewing im trying to finally write im trying to draw again #while feeling like im failing at it all and then like i still gotta find fuckinnnnn job i neeeeeed money #this time of year is always really hard for me i hate when its warm again i hate easter and i hate knowing that summer is coming #aaghhhh rn im ticking and stimming really bad and im having trouble breathing hnnghhh #and im very sweaty lol i always get so sweaty when i dont sleep good i dont get it #also i think im just horrible like the one person i wanna talk to probably is getting tired of my constant life crisis and how needy i am #and theyre probably off being better without me there and im just a burden and then my therapist idk about him #i dont feel like hes really giving me anything like when i talk about how stressed and unsafe i am hes like you gotta find a way to cope #and he doesnt really tell me how exactly i should do that like mate thats why im here i need the help you cant just listen to me panic and #go ‘wow you need to fix that’ ughhhh and i think hes mad at me because i dont think he believes me anymore when i say im in an abusive #situation and that ive been controlled my whole life by everyone and i have never felt safe #and its just like ughhh like i feel like no one believes me anymore and theyre all fed up with my bullshit incompetence and constant #bellyaching and im a horrible friend and a liar and probably just being dramatic as fuck making myself believe im being abused when in #reality im the abuser the ungrateful brat who treats his family like shit and cant trust them even though they seem so perfect to everyone #and im so stupid and toxic for trying to run away and for being scared to death here #thats how its feeling anyway idk everyone is just. weird and im losing my grip on reality and cant tell whats real anymore

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candlesoul · 2 months

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i dont know is life really hard or i’m weak and just want feel sad all the time. but if i want to be sad then why i should try to be betterall the time? cruel voices never stops and i can’t decide which is which. end of the day i look my hands and see how things so painful and that i dont wanna be myself. then i feel guilty and ungrateful. every negative emotion comes to my room and talks about things and i have to listen each one, and i try to change but i fail, or things start change into other same bad things and i have to figure out and try to fix and fail again. i wish i didnt lonely like this, because it seems i fail a lot. it’s just like all i can do is suffering because i have a bad soul or i’m cursed by evil selfish mom, maybe because im her daughter and because of me i have to be like this— in pain.. i really dont know but i know i’m tired, i dont have good time and i feel stupid. anyway i need to do laundry

#vent #personal i will delete #please just ignore me #things are heavy

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autism-corner · 1 year

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Calling them your skrimblo

yeah so skrunklybrain struck me n now i wanna call Levi and Belphie my skrunkly and see how they react +w+bb

~500 words, 50% bulletpoint-style 50% story

Levi (she/her):

Just as she was walking down the hallway to get to the dinner hall, Levi heard Lucifer ask mc to go get Levi out of her room for dinner. Just before she could reach the handel, she heard mc yell “Ofcourse!!”. mc let out a giggle and Levi is totally not blushing about it. Then, in a sing-songy tune, mc said: “Off to go get levi, my skrunkly, my babygirl!!”

Panic. What. 'Skrunkly'?

Levi knows what it means. Ofcourse she does.

She has so many skrunkly’s herself.

But to be a skrunkly? This was new

And especially to mc??? Levi’s head is in the clouds

Does she really mean that much to mc? Skrunkly is a pro-level status! Is her intimacy with mc already that high?!

(she skipped over the 'babygirl' part. It would be to much so take at once. Levi will actually die trying to process that)

Once mc opens the door, Levi is standing still in the hallway with a ten-mile grin on her face. I'm afraid you've broken her :). Only way to fix her again is to cuddle her and listen to all the blorbo thoughts she has about you!!

Belphie (they/he):

Once again Belphie seems to have fallen asleep in a rather uncommon place. Today it's under one of the desks in the school library. The floor here isn’t too bad, 6/10. After about half an hour of peaceful rest, they were awoken by the one voice that could do that consistently. Mc. Apparently mc was also accompanied by a certain sorcerer. “C’mon Sol, you’ve got to spill!! I’m sure Asmo would love to indulge me about you guys’ relationship”. Belphie could practically hear your wink. He rolled his eyes, but didn’t hide his smile. “Enough mc, please. Why dont we talk about you, hhm? I’ve seen the way you and Belphie are together.”. Silence. Suddenly, mc responded. “OH MY GOD. You know, i’ve been like… dying to talk about them!! He’s so skrunkly!! My scrimblo!!”

Not what he expected at all.

Not to familiar with the term, but has listened to enough of Levi’s rant to understand its a term of endearment.

Embarrassed but very much not ungrateful.

Is so much more awake now!! 100% bonked their head on the underside of the desk.

Theyve always been one of the younger kids so they know what its like to be spoiled but hearing this from mc of all people makes them feel extra special. In a way theyve never even felt before

Will ask mc to call him that again in front of his siblings, just to be a little shit (he’s to embarresed to admit he really fucking likes it. It’s so silly!!)

If Belphie ever decides to take their relationship with mc to the next level, they will not except any other term than ‘my skrunkly’. Say goodbye to ‘boyfriend’ ‘partner’ and even just ‘belphie’, they will not respond until you call them your skrinblo.

#skrunkly scrimblo skrongly skring #dont hate on the pronouns >:/#levis my gf and i love her idc #i always notice how my headcanons get longer after the first one and it makes me feel so guilty for levi bc she deserves so much more....#... but editing and adding to an excisting piece is so much harder than writing a new one. argh #obey me #obey me belphegor #obey me leviathan #obey me headcanons #my work #sillyposting #yay #btw this is not proofread + its 12 am + i cant sleep so consider those they might have an affect on how well this was writen #idk if i wanna do the other brothers maybe asmo and beel #maybe simeon but he just wouldnt understand so thatd be boring maybe...#idk #snoozin time ig #OH also if someone wants to do a beta-reader thingie where we read eachothers works dm me please =w=bb ik this is really not noticable...#.... ill make a big post someday but thats also scary #=w=b

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freemindedspirit · 9 months

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Hi, If it's okay I wanna know your opinion since you seem to talk about dreams, I needed kind of like an insight even though it might seem obvious already. I've had 2 similar dreams but different situations of course. The only similarity is in my dream I'm braver and I am more expressive emotionally. Long story short, it's a family situation. I've always felt suffocated and manipulated by them. They're not entirely bad it's just they have these tendencies that blur the line between appropriate and not. Anyways, we owe them that's why even though it's frustrating I can't 'confront' back for the fear of being branded as ungrateful. In those two dreams, I remember shouting and ranting towards them what I wish I could say deep down. I cried in the dream and woke up and realized I also cried in 'reality'.

Don't you think this isn't normal anymore, like how stressed could I have been to dream about it and twice for that? My dreams have always been a random mess so it's weird when it takes a turn to reality. I actually hate it, dreaming is the only thing that I can escape these realities but the fact that they're following me in the dream probably means something right? Or I'm really just so stressed thinking about it that it's projected in my dreams through my subconscious.

I'm sorry, I just don't have anyone to talk with that seems well verse with dreams, spirituality and mental health.

Hi,

First of all, I am sorry you have such a difficult family situation. I am myself in a similar situation so I understand what you go through.

Also, yes, your second hypothesis is likely true. See, not feeling heard, feeling controlled and manipulated, that is something our brains can pick up on very early, but may not be able to process, especially if you are still living with your familiy and dependent on them. Your subconscious wants freedom, it wants expression and independence. The technique you have developed to be in your dreams to escape this may be working very well right now, but there is going to be a point in your life where you will have, and will be able to, break free. Before or during that time, you will need to heal the trauma it caused you to be feel manipulated and controlled.

This was just an expression from your unconscious about its need for freedom. If you are not able to work on yourself right now, I recommend finding soothing techniques so at least you dont stress yourself out needlessly before going to sleep. Try to find ways to make your body (esp your nervous system) feel safer when it safe to do so, and keep yourself as safe as possible when it is not.

I wish you the best, and i know one day you will not have to worry about them anymore.

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bxttenbound · 2 years

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Alright im gonna go on a lil vent, please know this isn’t a vague at any person in particular, I just kinda wanna get my emotions out there.

I think I need to pull away from specific fandoms and places i no longer feel that comfortable broadly interacting with. I don’t feel welcomed in many communities and that is probably my own fault for not reaching out more but its also due to the nature of my muse in general not being part of any big fandom or group here on tumblr.

Though I also don’t know where to go from here since my muse is so widely unknown and im honestly just kind of tired now trying to insert myself into places that i later find out people dont want me in. I don’t really know wher eto go from here, there’s really only a few people I feel comfortable rping with as of now. I know a lot of it is my own fault for not reaching out more but i simply am not sure what to do.

And I don’t want to sound ungrateful because while people will come to me saying they love me here, they want me around, i don’t ever feel involved. Words and saying it is one thing but I just feel isolated outside those small moments people reaffirm or directly tell me im wanted here.

This could just be my depression talking because ive had struggles with it the past few days as i realized i have forgotten to take my medication. I dont know what to do with this blog, i dont know where to go, and its hard to tell where im even wanted anymore.

I thank anyone who has stayed here this long and dealt with my constant depression posting which i always feel horrible about doing, im sorry i cant seem to get out of this because i want to. I don’t know how, because i do love being here, writing, telling a story and coming up with plots. I find such enjoyment writing here but i dont know where im supposed to go now. I’m sorry i’m just rambling at this point.

I’m sorry i havent done many replies and ill try to get to them tonight when im finished with work (i still have like 2-3 more hours), I just wanted to let people know im not sure where im supposed to be, if im stepping over boundaries, and what should I do. Thanks for reading if you got this far, i love you guys <3

#Out for a Bite // OOC #Screams from the Abyss // MT #Negative TW

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yutaholic · 2 years

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on the topic of intl fans demanding better treatment just wanna share my experience...

actually i dont think many fans know about this too.

im a SG nctzen who attended 127's SG the link concert and felt so upset about the management and the treatment we got 😭 ticketing and announcement of the concert was done in 24hours and the boys arrived in less than 3weeks... everything is so rushed and made the fans here feel that we were just a second option because they were actually scheduled for somewhere else. and they only stayed in SG for less than 24hours??

during the concert the boys barely gave much fanservice in fear of covid i guess, but in comparison to the concert in manila, there was a vast difference in treatment. i felt that the boys could have done much better in terms of fanservice instead of treating the SG stop like stopover 😔 may seem like im ungrateful that i got the chance to see them live but can't help but feel unfair that SG got the worst treatment of all concert stops. yuta wasn't even there and he is my bias, ik its not his fault but just felt so off about it.

you can read the comments section under this tiktok to see how the fans felt:

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSRbKsaDU/

I'm sorry you feel that way and I've actually seen similar comments on Twitter about the SG concert as well. Intl fans are feeling like an afterthought or just a quick cash grab and that’s not cool. Not to mention European and South American fans aren’t getting any concerts or events at all.

Thinking about what the previous anon said, I’m starting to think that the companies know intl fans will generally take more bullshit than kfans so they can push the envelope with us but have to keep the kfans coddled. Given that, they know they can half ass everything here and fans will still pay the tab.

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decembermoonskz · 2 years

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izzy! about your rant- this is one of the main reasons why i kind of stopped writing for skz. ive said it numerous times, but stays just dont know how to appreciate their creators. especially with fics like yours; you write fantasy stuff and things that are so so original and well thought-out, but in the end, its not what the community on here knows how to appreciate. its so easy to get notes on smut -and i dont wanna sound like im bashing smut writers, i just dont really get the appeal- but why do writers like you and so many other stay writers that write things like you do, not get the same amount of interaction? its a problem thats been talked about since i can remember, but the stay consumers on here still dont seem to understand how much interaction makes a difference in our motivation to post.

since i started writing for nct, i got much more interaction and feedback; i got asks, i got comments, reblogs- i got everything i wanted and desired as a skz writer. im not telling you to change who you write for, because thats stupid; you love stray kids and thats who you want to dedicate your time to, but im just further pointing at the fact that the audience is at fault, in a way. its not your fault you dont get interaction and you are not ungrateful for wanting it, its totally normal and understanable.

we didnt start writing to get notes; we were all writers before posting on tumblr. yes, we write for ourselves because it brings us joy. but since we have people that read and consume what we create, it would be amazing to get at least some reblogs and feedback. dont feel bad about it and dont let anyone make you feel bad about it.

i learned not to really care about notes and stuff, because it only made sad in the long run, but one thing that i use to reassure myself when posting is that i had a lot of fun with it, i love what i created and there will always be someone that finds it, even if it is just one person, and if that person likes it and it made their day, its worth posting even for that one person.

keep going izzy, your writing is beautiful and it will always find someone that appreciates it:)

whoa hey bar i wasn't prepared for how long this was thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. i remember you saying these things before. i really agree with your third and fourth paragraphs for sure.

honestly rants on this topic are very uncommon for me because i enjoy my writing way more than note counts. i think the reason i'm even really thinking of this stuff now is because i've recently been writing my own original stuff ✨✨✨ so that's been a lot of fun, just as fun as writing my fics and it made me realize i could just as easily keep my fics to myself and enjoy them. idk if that makes much sense??? but yeah it just has me thinkin'

i really liked what you said in para 4 for tho, because that's exactly how i feel about my writing. i know that if one person really likes it then i think it was worth posting it in the end. when black rose came out i was honestly shocked with how much feedback it ended up getting and the fact that it's well on its way to 900 notes is mind-boggling to me. then there's gold and silver, i adore that series with my whole being and regardless if one or one hundred people read it i'm finishing it, seeing people actually enjoy something that i know is "unconventional" for a community (online-wise not just stayblr) that tends to gravitate towards more general likes and preferred genres really made me really happy.

yeah even tho i'm well aware of how the stayblr area doesn't really do much for engagement i really do love to write for them. i've written for enhypen too and i still enjoy it but skz will always be who i write for most (i have thought of experimenting with other idols too but not sure who yet maybe nct dream? no guarantee but it has been a passing thought)

i get what you meant tho, i don't have any hate for smut writers, i'm friends with some of them and have interacted with some of them and they're really nice people, so absolutely no hate to them. it's just very obvious where the community directs their eyes to rather than sfw things or more plotted content. that's just a reality we have currently so it's not one person or a certain type of writer's fault. :)

i really appreciate your encouragement tho bar you're a true gem and i hope you have the best days, you always make my day you sweet bean. (stay safe and hydrated okay? and don't be shy to come and say hi every now and then i miss you *hug*)

#mail #bar !! 💕#fav ✨#thank you for making me smile with this ask lovely bar #also i decided not to under the cut this just bc i felt like i wanted my whole reply to be seen haha #idk if i made much sense but i just typed how i felt lol #everyone give love to bar. a wonderful soul

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thegreengrotto · 3 months

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im a little sad.

when i get a little sad i get angry and dissapointed i yell at myself and peel the paint off the wall flashing back to the bathroom stall where i spent my days in school counting the seconds till my legs go numb i dont want to intrude on your time and space i know you want me around but im floating free and the atmosphere is thin

so thin..

i dont want to see us severed

cause we're much better when we're together and both heard so i dont want to shut down your care and compassion i dont want to make some ungrateful transaction i know you're just waiting and raring for the action i just wanna know ehy it seems i cant breathe cause it feels like when i dare i can think and i want to be someone who feels like they have earned your love but

i'd rather be someone who knows tbat aint one of the ways to be that will ever see the dawn.

the dawn.

you are my sunshine

my only sunshine

you make me happy.

when skies are grey

you'll neber know dear

how much i love you.

please dont take

my sunshine

away.

please dont take.

my sunshine.

away.

#trauma #trauma writing #writing

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renewingagain · 3 months

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thursday 11 feb 2024 // 12:26am

a couple of grounding thoughts

i do not want to grow old with regret. life is fleeting. things can end at any moment. (not that i want them to obviously) but i do not wish to have a moment of regret. yeah i know it is inevitable but it can be lessened. i dont want to look back and think i could have taken control of my life earlier. i need to take control now. i need to get my shit together so i can just be where i wanna be, have my life sorted and then do the music-y things i wanna do

what is only 1 year of grinding (not even a full year necessarily) over the rest of my LIFE earning well, having joy, travelling, doing all the things i wanna do ?

imagine me looking back on my 20s when im like 60 and having them been wasted. that would suck lol. but just 1 year of graft for me to be happy i just gotta do it. otherwise my head is just gonna keep spinning round and round like it does everyday with anxiety and im tired of it lol. Cbaaaa

secondly, we all die LOL it sounds so morbid but again it is inevitable!! this one we cannot fully control. there will come a time where either i die, or my parents die, or my brothers die, or the people that i love die. therefore, why am i stressing and self-sabotaging and caring about the things that do not matter? this is only what matters. once something like this happens, i need to be ready and prepared to support the people i love. this boils down to the crux of just being a person of love. like Jesus.

get this new career sorted so i can start spoiling the people i love, so i can really start focussing on them again

thirdly, people die elsewhere. despite the govt being shite, the UK is overall a safe country. my heart breaks for palestine. it is categorically unfair and horrific what is going on over there, alongside all the other injustices that take place around the world. yet here is i, in a safe country, essentially where i can write my own narrative and have the world at my fingertips. I feel so ungrateful sometimes. i wish this would become more of a reality to me. i know those in palestine would be far more grateful to be safe in the way i am safe. i wish i truly understood how lucky and fortunate i am and most of us are to be in this country and not be at war, or living in what seems to be an unshakeable fear, with lives at risk, watching our own family murdered right by us and having to carry on

may this never happen but if any of my own family were murdered ???? the pit of heartbreak and nothingness i would feel. My God, none of this is fair for those who want to just live life. I wish i had the power to stop things like this

God it really does suck that this is happening around the world. Please stop it. I truly pray that those whom injustice is forced upon, that those who face persecution may know supernatural peace, only a God can make that happen. Only God can stop evil

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videostak · 9 months

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p sure my moms drunk tonight T-T or atleast being weird and slurring her speech a lot idk its hard to tell anymore tho i dont kno when she wouldve even got stuff i guess she went w/ my younger sister and her friend to the grocery store so maybe then? idk tho i feel like she didnt but shes def weird she came into my room earlier to try to tell me that she was gonna give me a 50$ a week allowance for the errands i constantly have to do and i was just like umm no we should talk abt this another time. i hate it cause that seems normal enough and soemthing someone would totally accept until u realize its more hush money than anything and her just trying to pay me off to put up w/ the way she is its like annoyyying and also 2 our family is like not doing good on money i mean we’re still getting by but like kinda always have to be careful and for my mom to just throw that at me is insane. like makes me wonder why shed even do that then next day warn us all that things are gonna be tight w/ money lol and then like if i were to have taken the money (im not going to obv) but if i did she’d then like hold it against me if i ever call her out on her shit like act like i have to be grateful sooo ya. i hate the way my mom is cause like on days like this when i just have to do shit nonstop she praises me endlessly but then the moment i voice my problems she threatens to kick me out and acts like im the most ungrateful slob of all time. genuinely hypocritical like she really tries to gaslight me into thinking i do absolutely nothing around the house anytime i get annoyed that no one helps around and that im the one who gets chewed out for the house being a mess but then once the dust settles and i havent complained for a week or month or so then she tries to give ME big lectures on how grateful she is and how ia always do stuff w/o complaining and how she wants to send me large amounts of cash to keep up the good work it just makes me siiiick. like makes me feel like frowing up. anyways idk me driving and everything like being able to drive my siblings places normal style and also me hoping i can go to the movies w/ my mom like that independence makes it not feel as crushing as it used to. and like ill have to see how this record store thing goes and if not i can find a job somewhere hopefully soon. thinking abt how transparent my moms intentions are sometimes makes me reallly feel sick tho but like ultimately it doesnt seem to affect me as much as it used to like idk it means nothing to me cause i dont have to rely on her and have gotten better at standing my ground more often both w/ her and w/ my dad and realizing how useless it is to pick sides or to even defend someone in dishonest ways etccc excited to watch playtime tomorrow hopefully idk im gonna go to the mall then watch playtime the criteiron dvd then the brazilian one and see if anythings different in like quality n stufff. and also wanna watch lovers live :)

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neptunebeetle · 4 years

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Mmmmmmjjmmmmm