#i genuinely don't know why i'm so scared

[neon-ufo]

October 2023

I turned 30 on October 13th

I've felt like my recent art has been lacking something personal, and I feel a strange distance from most of my works, it's something that's been bringing me down a lot lately.

I feel like I hit a wall, and I need to break a hole through it so that I can emerge as something new on the other side.

Big Challenges

Album of the month: - Song of the month: Moon River by Audrey Hepburn

#luv diary 2023 #idk at what point i started to feel like personal expression / vent art is embarrassing but i want to destroy that part of me #i feel like i've been so concerned with how i present myself online that i've become my username instead of myself #i almost don't feel like a whole person #i shouldn't be afraid to show vulnerability #i genuinely don't know why i'm so scared #experimental art #oc art #luv #illustration #original character #oc

[suncaptor]

nothing will make you sympathise with conspiracy theorist ideology more than having a seemingly rare reaction to a vaccine lmao.

#reading articles that try to falsify genuine incorrect information about the covid vaccines from 2021 is making me feel insane #'there's no way the covid vaccine can trigger an autoimmune disorder' uhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHH #factually extremely wrong! #they're soooo condescening too like why on EARTH do you think people who are genuinely sick or scared would believe you. #they'll be like there's no scientific evidence that anyone can be harmed by the covid vaccine <3 blatantly untrue. #I know that part of this is retrospect like obviously since more studies have come out and all #but it's infurirating bc they're from the time *I* was having those symptoms *and* telling doctors about it *and* being told the connection #to my other severe symptoms from the covid vaccine were Utterly Impossible (since proven false) and that if the symptoms WERE related #it meant i had a life threatening illness at worst and had a high chance of losing my vision at best #likeeeeeeeee #doctors still DO NOT know what the fuck they're doing do NOT trust anyone who gives ANY 100% answers #i don't know why i'm doing this i just said to stop obsessing but i'm just reading pages and articles on countering misinformation to make #sure i don't -- i want to know the conspiracy theories to recognise them immediately right #and then people are just saying bullshit to defend themselves #i mean most of the anti covid vacc people were also far right so i don't have too much sympathy for their vaccine ideology #but like. fucking hell what a way to push people into conspiracies. #you CAN'T counter misinformation by SPREADING MORE MISINFORMATION #just because it SOUNDS BETTER and MORE REASSURING to say there's not chance of harm doesn't mean you should #there's A LOW chance of harm THAT IS MUCH MUCH less high than the impacts of covid #god I'm pissed off. 2021 i was so fucking terrified of spreading this shit just by talking about my lived experiences. #to say i was not taking the pandemic seriously OR anti vax is so blatantly ridiculous considering who I am as a person but that doesn't mea #that the covid vaccine specifically didn't make me ill :////// #delete

[thegreenleavesofspring]

A genuinely horrible thought just occurred to me. Would everyone please pray that the court does not order me to put my children in public school so that I can go get 'a real job'?

#So far every time I have asked that my husband be required to pay child support the response has been “Why aren't YOU working” #I am. And also homeschooling my eldest and taking care of my younger two. But it's not good enough. #I am making slightly less than minimum wage so it's not good enough. #(He is perfectly able-bodied and currently unemployed and is contributing precisely nothing to their upkeep.) #...I trust that God would not bring us this far just to abandon us now. But I genuinely do not see how He is going to do this. #From my limited human perspective it is impossible. #I don't know how I'm going to get all the bills paid this month. Or next month. Or the month after. #The roommate did not contribute to rent at all this month. I have rental insurance and rent and the Sam's membership and electricity #(why is the electricity so high. Why. Why why why. I have cut down as much as I possibly can) #and phone and diapers and I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting there always is. #I'm trying so hard not to fret because I know we're not supposed to but I can't quite rid my body of tension and I'm trying not to rail at #my husband because I know I'm not supposed to but #...I'm scared. #I'm honestly not sure if this counts as #Screaming into the void #or #Nattering into the void #Edit: the roommate did help with rent yesterday but the website had not updated to reflect it. So... now it's double-paid? #I'm trying to see if they can cancel my portion so I have enough for the rest of my bills.

[irritablepoe]

Why can't I have friends that want to talk to me?🥲

#like it doesn't have to all the time obv just. yk. genuine. #johnny's silly rambles #i feel like they're tip-toeing around me when i just want to *talk* #everything is better than them being idk. scared? #it feels like they're scared and idk why #I may be distant but so are they #at least I'm trying to hold a conversation... #and i don't want to let them go like that #we've been friends for 6-14 years (depending on the friend) they are important to me! #but at this point it feels like I'm begging for their attention #and then i feel guilty bc of it #I don't want to be annoying #and i think they like me like in general. it's just like in school where everyone didn't know how to handle me #and they've turned into those people themselves over the years #I don't know what to do😭 i don't want to be entirely alone #vent #once again #help💀

[the-casbah-way]

i wish i could explain how hard it is to interact and function in the real world when you feel so deeply out of place and so ashamed and disgusted by your own existence and physical form i can't make eye contact with anyone i feel like someone is watching me constantly when i'm anywhere that isn't in my own bedroom i have to avoid speaking as much as possible i can't sit still because i'm always trying to fix everything that looks off about me even though i know i can't change any of it i don't feel like a person at all when i'm around other people. i feel like they don't see me as human i feel like they can just sense that i'm different and weird and it goes so much deeper than just being ugly i feel like i can't do anything or exist in front of anyone because i'm so embarrassed and disgusted by the idea of being perceived and every single thing about me is off and wrong and ugly and i've been trying to fix it all for as long as i can remember but i don't know where to start

#work is so fucking hard right now. i literally sit in a tiny office all day with two other people #but i still feel paralysed by the idea of being around others #i will genuinely avoid moving when they're in the room i'm so scared to do literally anything #in case it catches someone's eye even for half a second #i don't even know what this is or why i feel like this i don't usually feel this weird and bad about myself #i always have this underlying self hatred and i'll always be hyper aware of how ugly i am but this is different #it's like genuinely ruining my life i can't do fucking anything. i'm so scared of being looked at.

[papayafiles]

*insert breaking my silence meme* okay call me zak brown's burner account but i still don't understand the concept of sister teams

...like, how come red bull basically own two teams and can just switch drivers in and out at will? how come vcarb/rb gets the rb19 2.0 instead of having to develop their own backmarker wagon like the kicks and haases? how does the fia know they're not secretly collaborating off track and sharing data and combining votes?? also how come the tenth team used to be called something pretty and italian like minardi and now it's a literal keyboard smash sponsored by a bunch of banks; i mean, who even let red bull do that? red bull weren't even winning at the time so they literally just decided to be silly on a random tuesday in the middle of merc domination instead of focusing on the team they already own... (plus if that was allowed why can't andretti literally just buy out gene haas now? what are the rules here?? & other questions)

#you know how sixteen-year-olds have that “new driver! :)” car magnet so people behind don't start honking at them #this is me laying down my “new(-ish) f1 fan! :)” car magnet #don't come for me i'm just genuinely confused #why is this allowed??? #i would tag the teams for exposure but i'm lowkey scared of some fans so. i won't

[eleilinnrallin]

Me: Hey I'm trans.

People: Read The Bible

Me: only finding affirming things in bible study ... Yeah I'm doing that. I'm trans.

People: >:[

#personal #fr it's a little ridiculous #I'm just. so tired of *gestures at the State Of Things* #tired of people saying I'm an ''ideology'' and that I should be eradicated #tired of people saying my friends should be eradicated #tired of people trying to take away our access to safety and medical care and the ability to use the bathroom #like come on I just want to live #just let me be my genderfunky little Christian self #I am legitimately going to be moving to somewhere safer after college because there's no way I'm gonna feel safe here #but even so depending on how other things go... if national stuff goes down hill #it's going to be devastating #(main post only vaguely connected to this ig) #oh but also so many people just. don't get how genuinely hard it is to be queer and Christian #we were ''discussing'' why it can be hard to have faith in sunday school today #and like I brought up some very real reasons I struggle with faith sometimes #(other people. policies actively harming us. being called wrong and bad and whatever when we very much aren't.) #and the group just kinda backed off and was *scared* to have an actual discussion #like they didn't know how to react #and a lot of my queer friends aren't religious anymore so it's hard to have conversations about specific things like this with them #also genuinely when I've been studying in the bible I don't find anything anti-trans #I just find things that are really good to me and helpful *and that are supportive of me being trans* #yet for some reason I'm the bad guy #for some reason ''love others as I have loved you'' #and ''greater love has no man than this; that a man should lay down his life for his friends'' #has turned into ''eradicate trans people'' #''force people to either conform to your idea of Right or be severely punished'' #''it's ok to blatantly misgender and disrespect people'' #i. just. want. to. live. #I want to be a college kid messing off with friends and going to classes and not worrying about getting kicked off campus #I want to be able to sing in a register I can't reach by an octave when I try sing it

[tenrose]

Just turned on the heating for the first time of the season... Already seeing money running away through the window 🙃

#misc #but mainly already stressing out about the weird noise and shit #calling the cleaning service tomorrow #i mean it's not like i turn it on for a long time #the boiler is on all the time to heat water #so no more risk of gas poisoning than usual #but this fear won't ever disappear #that and that shit suddenly breaking and no more heating and hot water #anywayyy #feel like i've been stressing about that every single year since i moved here #can't wait to be able to go somewhere with absolutely no fucking gas in the vicinity #genuinely don't know why I'm triggered so much by gas 🙃 #like my parents have a gas stove #that need to be opened and lighted with a match/fire thing #and I always fucking hated it #I was less scared to light the chimney fire (but absolutely bad at it lmao) #and so several time i was supposed to cook when they left and they come back to me having a mental breakdown because i couldn't #cause i was scared #my grandma also have a gas stove but at least it ignites itself alone #anyway #im supposed to know how to behave around gas #and modern boilers are normally very secure #and also i don't know anyone around me that has been poisoned by gas #so i really have no explanation for that fear #it's like... something in my dna reacting to a primal threat #i overthinl at every little noise the boiler makes (and boilers make noise CONSTANTLY) #ughhhh hate it #(anyway money ain't the thing i fear most) #why am i rambling about this once again????

[erraticroses]

.

#i believe #I have a lot of hate in my heart and that makes me feel wrong #because i want to have like this big heart but in the end sometimes i feel like a performer #like im sacrificing more and more of myself for the sake of other ppl mostly out of habit than real genuine kindness. #ppl ask me why do i believe im a bad person and when i name my reason they say what else bc for them it's not bad. it's human to feel #but sometimes i don't feel human i think? it's such a weird thing. I'm not religious but i want to feel holy. #i don't believe in heaven even. i just want to make everyone around me smile and help heal the ppl that need that help but sometimes i just #feel so angry. so blinded by rage. and so scared. but so spiteful. #and i feel so alone? sometimes. i know I'm not. i know ppl card about me #but then i ask why why why why #but I can't voice the full question because maybe someone will read and it will strain their recovery and healing #and at the end kinda makes me feel more resentful? like. im trying to be perfect and kind and to portray this image of a person #that even tho aloof wants to help for the sake of helping and doesn't deal with all the shit and complex feelings of doing so. #but then the ugly feelings build up and i don't feel like i can voice them because what if they read and i make things worse #and i feel so trapped. and so angry. and so monstrous. #i care if im a good person i care if im kind i care if im friendly #i don't feel like any of that. fuck. fuuuuuck. #i feel like a paradox more than a person

[transgender-catboy]

I love my friends

#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind #for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!! #secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart #i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and #allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother. #she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way #i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know? #not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her. #...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics #i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling. #like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did. #hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either #but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time #but that's the only way I can get those emotions out #I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved. #and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah. #but we dont talk about her #... i dunno. I'm just here. #guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going #I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys. #so uh. thank you. #i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you #probably dead. #💖 #vent

[miabrown007]

eurgh pacing

#I HATE pacing so much #I don't want the slow parts but I need them #so backstage time for seven is my lucky number #I really didn't like chapter 10(?) when writing it. the there was only one bed chapter #and I was blown away by how much people ended up liking it #bc it was slow and nothing particularly important happened though nothing particularly important happened in that whole fic #anyway. I'm just thinking maybe that's what pacing can do #but it's just. my twists and cliffhangers. you're supposed to end a chapter on a high emotion that makes you want to read the next chapter #this is why I'm usually ending watching series episodes middle episode because the ending is too exciting #and I can just stop it in the middle and continue the next time #I have been trying to pay attention to switch slower scenes with faster scenes but I'm still worried #which is like totally irrational because I was too scared to look at my chapter all day sjdbdkdn #and I know that they say it's good to sit with your discomfort but is there not like a. shortcut. #also I'm waaaaaay in now is probably not the time to start to think about pacing but pacing #how do you do pacing? #<- genuine question btw share your secrets 👀👀 #miaing #joys of being a one-shot writer: you generally don't have to worry about pacing #woes of being a one-shot writer: you don't practice pacing so you end up like ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[killbaned]

i had to wash the cast iron frying pan so that i have somewhere to put the crock pot so that i can wash it so that when i get more stew beef, hopefully tomorrow, i can get more stew going and

i was soooooo brave about it

#i have. to wait until my paycheck drops so i can afford to buy the stew beef :( #but i may not be fucking awake when it drops so i can't order it until i get up which means i can't start it #until i get home #which likely means i'm not eating tomorrow rifp #i cannot overstate how i'm like genuinely scared to try eating anything else #i don't know why the stewnrice is the only thing that doesn't leave me in abject agony it just IS

[raulfernandez]

...

#myself #vent post be careful #I really thought I was over thr car crash like I can drive without problem (more or less but I was careful even before it) #and I so genuinely thought I had gotten over it #but then when roaming trough my phone gallery today I found the pictures of my damaged car and now I keep thinking about it..... #like what would have been if I hadn't been it that lane would everything have been ok and my dad would have just complained about the cops? #and what would have happened if I had been going faster and they went straight into the drivers side?? #would I still be here??? #I don't know and I don't wanna imagine #but it made me so much more scared.... #and we were at the lawyer's office today to get them some of our things and the lady at the front desk told me about how she has been a bit #scared ever since she got into a car crash which made me feel a bit better like even 20+ years later she's still not fully over it... #which means I'm not overreacting #but like I'm seconds away from tears why does this only ever happen in the middle of the night???? #I'm so scared not even about me but about my parents and my brother like what would I do without them??? #honestly that whole thing changed my perspective of car crashes like in normal traffic but also in sports and stuff... #I hate it here. why always us? why always my dad and me?? #I'm so glad I wasn't alone in that car but I also just wished he wouldn't have had to go trough that...

[nexus-nebulae]

our memory is getting severely worse and it's fucking terrifying

#unreality tw #i handed someone an object literally five minutes ago #and they turned around after taking it #and the immediate second their back was turned and i couldn't see the object #i completely and totally forgot what the object was or why i was giving it to them or why they wanted it #and they've left so i can't ask #i keep forgetting what I'm talking about mid sentence or mid fucking word even #like i don't even have a vague trace of a topic it's just so completely gone it's so much worse than any forgetting I've ever had before #and it's happening more and more and more and more frequently #like genuinely it's happened at least like five times in the span of the last twenty minutes #probably more i just don't fucking remember #im forgetting how to be alive #i desperately need to live with other people so that this doesn't get exponentially worse #or at least see and talk to people more than like once a fucking week #I'm losing all of my abilities to function and i don't know if they're even possible to fix at this point #i have felt less and less and less real with each passing day #like the opposite of unreality where I'M the ghost and everything else is real #i feel like I don't exist anymore #i haven't felt real since last summer #I'm scared of everything and my body is completely breaking down #and now im forgetting every single thing about myself past and present #I'm terrified #vent #i guess #I'm just terrified

[beachboysnatural]

.

#the thing is my mom carries so much pain inside her and i love her so much and she is wonderful #but at the same time there are things that i genuinely don't know if i can forgive. but she acts like there isn't anything #TO forgive which makes it worse #and whenever i bring anything up she doesn't change her behavior because she cannot recognize it when she's wrong about something #but she actually invalidates me a lot and i don't appreciate it and i KNOW i'm annoying about my special interests #but it really sucks that she makes it so obvious #like can't she pretend to be interested in what i want to tell her?? for once?? #you'd think fifteen-plus years of her pretending i was perfectly okay would merit some infodumping on my part #it's just that she's never apologized for not doing anything to help me she's just made excuses and said 'well sorry but' #and that's not enough but at this point i'm not going to GET a genuine apology out of her #or out of my dad he isn't exempt from this! #like i'm scared to ask my dad if he's seen a movie i think he'd be interested in because i don't want to set her off #or deal with her disapproval. and she just doesn't care about my special interests at all #which i get but sometimes i feel like she doesn't really care that they make me happy either #like pretending that i'm not autistic now that i have shit figured out doesn't make it go away #it genuinely fucking sucks but i can't say anything to her because she can't cope with being wrong about anything. even jeopardy answers #this is why it means so much to me that you guys like when i infodump about old hollywood because no one else does #except my sister obvi but she does not live with me so #<333333 #persannal

[aftermathing]

The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."

#Okay to tb btw all the personal stuff is in the tags #Like. Not eating for a week because you couldn't get groceries hurts #and people will say 'oof sorry that's happening' but then #after you're able to get food no one will ever say 'I'm sorry that happened' even though you think about it and hurt from it constantly. #No one will ever say ':( that must have been so hard' because you're fine now right???? No psychological damage there????? #This example is stupid but I do think about it every time I feel hungry. I told people I wasn't able to get groceries #and there was no food in my house. And they said. Oof. #Instead of idk Oh God Are You Okay ?? #No one cares when you've been abused your entire life and behave the way you do out of genuine terror because your brain is fucked forever #They don't say 'I'm sorry that happened it must have been really scary to turn you into Such An Asshole. I pity you like a dog :(' #Speaking of man everyone loves fucked up abused terrified dogs and wants to be the one who makes them open up #And shows them that people can be good and kind and that touch doesn't have to hurt #But everyone is scared of fucked up abused terrified people #Humans are capable of harm even more than dogs and fear is understandable but. #Can you please call me good boy and shush me and tell me nothing's going to hurt me and let me curl up on your lap #And not hit me if I get scared and start to growl and feed me good and take me on walks and play with me #Even though I'm not very fun to play with and I'm still learning what's fun and what's mean and what's a toy and what's a hand #Plleeeaaase don't be jealous of a dog that doesn't eat good don't say 'tch he's so thin what am I doing wrong' #I want to eat good and grow and gain fat and be warm and be comfortable I don't want this #Don't say 'if abused dogs don't eat good then I don't deserve to either' no no no no eat good so you can take care of us both #Please please please I learned so many tricks to make people happy and call me smart but I don't actually know how to do anything I'm #Literally like such a stupid dog it takes me like one day of no one paying attention to me for me to become un-housebroken #I make a lot of mistakes even though I know better or I really should know better #And sometimes do things wrong on purpose to get attention either yelling or showing me how to do it right #But most of the time I genuinely don't know how to do stuff because I was never taught or I was taught and #My previous owners said 'this is how it is. It is this way because it is and it is forever. The answer is Because.' #'now quit asking repetitive questions before I pop you' #If I do something Because and not know the reason why I'm doing it that's not learning that's acting #Especially habits taught specifically to hurt me and not being allowed to question it or know why I'm being hurt #Oh my god I acted out so much when I was younger and all my friends were so disgusted and hurt by me and yelled at me every day