#i have so many thoughts about this so if anyone wants to enable any further ramblings PLEASE PLEASE DO

[everybodyshusband]

@moony-ghoul’s post got me thinking about a farm au where the ghouls live in a big farmhouse in the countryside :3

they grow crops in the fields and have a herd of cows, a herd of sheep up in the nearby hill, horses in the stables and a big ol’ chicken coop. they make their living by selling their milk/butter/eggs to the nearby town and every day dew is up before the sunrise to milk the cows. he and mountain pass each other and share a quiet, sleepy conversation and a kiss when they pass each other on their way to their respective tasks (dew to the barn for the cows, and mountain to the stables to ready the horse and cart for his daily milk run)

aeon has a soft spot for the chickens so rain and cirrus are teaching him how to take proper care of them. he was entirely horrified when he first learnt that he needs to feed the chickens their own eggshells along with their regular pellets and kitchen scraps

aurora has a soft spot for the sheep. she’d stand up on the hill and watch them for hours if she could. she trained the sheep dog herself and everyone calls her “little bo peep” whenever they see her coming back down to the house. sunshine bought her a shepard’s staff as a joke but aurora LOVES it and refuses to visit her sheep without it

since aeon’s taken over the chickens, rain decided the farm needed bees and now he’s got a few hives going. they sit just outside the kitchen windows so whoever’s working in their can open the window and hear the gentle hum of the bees while they cook. cirrus helps rain harvest the honey when it needs it and they both take great pride in the labels they designed. they’re working hard to convince mountain to take some of their jars on his milk cart rounds to see if he can sell some in town

aether’s a horse girlie <3 he grooms them well and makes sure their coats are shiny and pretty and that they’re all healthy enough to be pulling the farm machinery in the fields

sunshine’s self-imposed daily talk is going around the farm making sure everything has water. that includes the animal’s water bowels/troughs and that the collection of houseplants, the vege garden and the fruit orchid. she has a collection of watering cans but her green one with flowers painted on it in her favourite

swiss works the dairy room. he takes the milk from dew in the mornings and keeps some as milk (making sure he’s run it through a milk separator before he bottles it), some he churns for butter and some he sets aside to turn into cream

cumulus loooooves the wheat field <3 if no one knows where she is, the first place they look is there. she finds it calming to stand in between the furrows and watch everything sway in the wind. she’s the one who drives the battered old truck down to the flour mill a few hours away and brings back bags filled with soft flour (she sells most of it, but keeps a few bags for the farm so they can use their own flour in their baking)

speaking of baking and cooking, they all share the responsibilities of the kitchen depending on who’s done what that day but they all have things that they’re the go-to to make it. cumulus and her breads are renowned throughout the land (no seriously, she’s had people come to the farm asking to buy her bread) and she gets so much joy from carving little designs into her sourdough loaves and seeing how they turn out once they’re baked. cirrus is the BEST at making omelettes and she has a special knack for knowing which eggs will have double yolks in them. rain is surprisingly good at barbecuing/grilling and cooks roasts fantastically well with the perfect seasoning and melt-in-the-mouth deliciousness. aether the king of baking will bake so many sweet treats and they’re all soooo tasty and addictive. he’s mastered almost everything but they got a new stand mixer for their kitchen and he has No Idea how to work it so he mixes everything by hand. luckily, aurora knows exactly how it works so sometimes she and aeth will tag-team in the kitchen to make things faster. they also love decorating things together and aurora is fantastic at plating their dinners up so elegantly. aeon can cook curries and rice and that’s IT but no one else can get the rice cooked quite as well as they can, so no one’s really complaining. dew and mountain are the best at cooking warm comfort meals and soups in the winter so if neither of them are busy and someone is in need of a little extra cheering up, they’ll make the person’s favourite comfort meal to keep their spirits up and remind them of how much they’re loved. swiss and pizzas OH MAN. he can do all the fancy spinning tricks with the pizza dough and they always come out of the pizza oven (he and aurora only finished building it a few weeks ago) perfectly cooked through. he loves preparing pizza nights for everyone where he’ll prepare the dough and toppings on the massive kitchen table and let everyone roll their own dough and choose their own toppings before he puts them all in the oven and calls everyone to their meal when it’s ready. sunshine is the queen of soups and salads. she can whip together a soup or a salad out of practically thin air and they’re always so tasty and pair perfectly with whatever else is being made for dinner that night

they all help out with everything (both in the kitchen and with tasks around the farm) especially when it’s time to harvest the fields and it’s all hands on deck to get everything done, but in my mind these are their main tasks/favourite things to do around their little country farm <3

#can you tell i grew up reading enid blyton’s children of cherry tree farm series KSHDHDJDJ #my uncle and aunt also had a farm we’d visit every couple weeks and i miss it :( but they’ve got a new farm and it’s GREAT #we’ve got a sheep called hickey :) #ANYWAY #i have so many thoughts about this so if anyone wants to enable any further ramblings PLEASE PLEASE DO #husband headcanons #the band ghost #all the impera ghouls are here #nameless ghouls #farm ghouls au

[psuedosugu]

You know something I've noticed? Yeah, Nifty is your typical yandere but can we talk about Vox? You technically don't even have to request him as a yandere unless you want it to be romanticized toward you and/or further explored because according to ALL of the recent regular Vox x readers (and the show itself), he clearly has many traits of one especially toward Alastor. He acts like a toxic, jealous ex 😂 He cyberstalks people for one, he's manipulative, insecure (this is where possessiveness and jealousy tends to stem from), doesn't take rejection well as we heard from Al, is capable of being obsessed with someone, and an overall control freak. He wants to keep the Vees' image and everything looking perfect. Imagine this guy being attached to you. An absolute nightmare. Never any privacy, eyes and ears everywhere, can teleport with or without a screen, blackmail is 100% on the table as well as other tactics, and constant validation for him whether your relationship is forced or not. What sucks about the last part is that it's a double-edged sword. If you fuel his ego, he's enabled but if you don't give him enough attention, he'll try harder and tighten his hold on you. So while Val absolutely horrible, it's like you can never win with Vox. Not when you don't have equal power and he's stated to be very strong. Especially these days, tech is an absolute must since even jobs heavily rely on it. Life and the afterlife here is much harder without a smartphone. He's literally a TV. He wants to be watched and noticed.

So he'll get it.

exactly brooo

cw: themes of manipulation, blackmail, and toxic, controlling relationships.

gender neutral

:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:

ੈ✧̣̇ || honestly atp he’s practically a canon yandere.

ੈ✧̣̇ || i kinda talked about this before but i feel like he would manipulate reader into thinking that they need him when its the other way around

ੈ✧̣̇ || as u said, he’s insecure as hell and he needs someone to boost his ego and make him look superior

ੈ✧̣̇ || he also needs some source of stability in his (after) life which is where you come in.

ੈ✧̣̇ || hed also never let things go or get over you.

ੈ✧̣̇ || he started beef with a dude that he hadn’t seen in 7 whole years, for gods sake 😭

ੈ✧̣̇ || bro will start fights over things that happened months ago and are over now done with

ੈ✧̣̇ || he also craves control, not only will he spy on you through your electronics but he’ll also try and control other things that he has no business controlling like what you wear, who you talk to, ect.

ੈ✧̣̇ || if you mention your concerns about it he’ll try and back off, but hes just so paranoid that something will happen to you even though he knows you’re capable of taking care of yourself.

ੈ✧̣̇ || he needs to feel like he’s needed.

ੈ✧̣̇ || he also exerts his control by threatening you with blackmail, wether it be secrets that you told him or pictures.

ੈ✧̣̇ || not like you don’t have a fair amount of dirt on him too, though.

ੈ✧̣̇ || he’d definitely fight a bitch for you, if you’re getting threatened, stalked, and/or harassed by someone (that isnt him ofc) said person better prepare for his wrath.

ੈ✧̣̇ || hes a whiny ass bitch which is either annoying or hot depending on who you ask and what the context is.

ੈ✧̣̇ || its also kind of confusing how he acts, he’ll be practically ignoring you one second and begging for your attention the next.

ੈ✧̣̇ || another reason why he’s so scared of you leaving is because of how vulnerable he’s been to you.

ੈ✧̣̇ || he’s told you things that he’s never told anyone, shown parts of him that no one has ever seen, and the thought of what you could do with this info if you ever were to turn on him makes him feel sick to the stomach.

ੈ✧̣̇ || despite how it feels sometimes he really does care about and love you, he just has an unhealthy mindset when it comes to love.

ੈ✧̣̇ || perhaps you should stay around (not like u rlly have a choice), teach him how to love someone properly. you wont regret it :)

:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:

i do requests!

check out my masterlist!

#vox #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel x you #vox x reader #hazbin vox #vox x you #x reader

[manicpixiefelix]

head, heart, hand. {Felix Catton/Reader/Oliver Quick}

Part 19.

Summary: We follow Oliver Quick in the aftermath of that night in the bathtub. In the days that follow, however, and the Arts Collective dinner drawing ever closer, you seem unusually upset. However, once he meets your mother at the party, a lot of things start to make an unfortunate amount of sense.

{ masterpost }

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly NB Reader. FWB!Reader/Felix. Reader is from a well off family but has pretty much been adopted by the Cattons.

Warnings: SMUT; masturbation, fantasies and memories of bathtub activities, pervert/enabler dynamics. Also reader's mum is in this chapter so we have warnings for implied child neglect & family trauma, as well as reader talking negatively about themselves a lot.

A/N: 8997 words. OLIVER POV and a huge chapter to sink your teeth into. goes many places, and we finally get to meet at least one of the reader's parents. i believe this is what the kids call 'conflict' in a narrative. Also the reader's parents now officially have names; Pearl & Andreas. Also nana's name is Bijou. let me know what you guys think ! <3

TAGLIST IN COMMENTS!! // TAGLIST ALWAYS OPEN ! (just message or comment to be added)

----

Every time Oliver closes his eyes, one of about seventeen million different, lewd images pops into his head of either you or Felix. It seems his mind literally will not allow him to think of anything else, which is fine when he's alone in his room - your room, your bed - but less than ideal when he's sitting across from the two of you over breakfast. Nothing about the way either of you interacted with him was at all different from any other morning. Part of him feels like he's going crazy when you give him a sleepy smile and drop a kiss onto the top of his head in passing on the way to get yourself breakfast.

"Morning Ollie," mumbled affectionately, like it always was from you.

Though it should be noted that Oliver isn't often at breakfast before you and Felix. Both of you are reasonably punctual, and usually seem far less tired than you both seemed to be, so that at least pointed to what happened last night not being a dream. That, and Felix grinning at him as he sat down, placing a mug in front of your setting at the table, and held his own.

"How'd you sleep, mate?" With mirth shining in his eyes; he knows. What he knows and how much, Oliver isn't sure, but there's no way he'd be smiling like that otherwise. What does it mean for him if Felix knows? Where do they go from here?

"Bit restless," Oliver hears himself saying, and trains his eyes on his breakfast, feeling the heat creeping up his cheeks already. Felix makes an apology that sounds completely insincere, and punctuates it with a loud yawn, stretch, and groan. Eyes drawn to Felix, the response almost Pavlovian, and most certainly desperate, all Oliver sees is the pleased little smile Felix wears, still watching him. In the next moment it's gone, turned on you as you place a plate of food in front of him and then at your own place, settling down beside him, as you always do.

The talk over breakfast seems to be the same as it ever was. Plans for the day, with you sighing and declaring that after spend the day before in the garden, you'd be doing quite the opposite, and leisuring in the library, watching something yet to be decided if anyone wanted to join you. He could have sworn there was something pointed in your eyes as your gaze swept over the whole table, landing on his briefly. But then the conversation was moving on, and Oliver had to act like he had any room for decent thoughts in his head at that moment.

Breakfast has become unappealing. He already misses the taste of your blood.

He has to excuse himself, despite having barely eaten half of what he'd served himself. Everyone else enquires after him, asking if he's okay, and he hopes the smile he wears is good enough to stave off further questions.

"Just not hungry this morning is all."

He wishes he'd been as lucky as you, wishes you'd drawn blood; a scab he'd pick forever, a reminder of how thoroughly you'd gotten under his skin. Something in him burns to be scarred by you, marked by you both, a want so violent that you're reduced only to instincts. Bite and touch can be one in the same.

Oliver wasn't stupid. He knew what had been happening. It had been hard enough before last night with this game you'd been playing, the show you'd been putting on. A thrilling chase, tension stretched thin, waiting for Felix to finally make a move to prove that he wasn't just stringing Oliver along. The things he's seen you and Felix doing, the noises he'd been hearing -

Back in his room, he doesn't even realise how hard he's breathing until he slams his door shut, slumping against it, his heart racing.

He never thought it would have been you who broke the rules of this game you've been playing. But now Oliver's left picking up the pieces of his understanding, trying to figure out what the fuck it all meant. He locks his door frantically as he recalls something Venetia had once said to him on one of the few nights he's joined her for a cigarette outside before he would head up to the study -

"Felix hasn't needed since he was ten years old," Venetia's eyes flash with something more than amusement in the moonlight, "he was a desperately needy little brother growing up, clinging to me if mother wasn't clinging to him." The two fingers not holding her cigarette curl into a half fist. With a sly smile, she cocks her hip and leans against Oliver, "he wants, though."

A strange spark of desire arks through Oliver at her words, her knowing, teasing tone, like the flare of a starting gun, a confirmation of what he knew he'd already been working towards. It was nice to hear nonetheless. He tries to act like it doesn't effect him.

"Don't you all?" He glances at Venetia out of the corner of his eyes, tone smooth and unwavering, "you Cattons are the kind of creatures who all seem to want." Then, wetting his lips, "that's what that butler is for after all, and Y/N?" Venetia smiles broader, faint laughter escaping between her teeth.

"Oh, we all want, Ollie," with unrestrained condescension, "but so does most everyone; I know you want, I've seen your eyes. But we Cattons always get what we want, that's the difference you can sense."

"I get what I want, Venetia, I just have to work for it," he says eyes flashing as he looks at her through his lashes. Charming Felix's sister was more habit than actual desire, but he wasn't above using underhanded tactics to win over the Cattons as a whole. Even in the moonlight, he catches sight of Venetia's faint blush. Again she laughs, but her gaze drifts over the grounds.

"Then my brother's mutt must not like you that well," she mused, and takes another drag from her cigarette, "if you still have to work for what you want." The remark catches Oliver off guard for several reasons. After a moment he has to confirm that it's you that she's talking about; Venetia's look says obviously, "haven't you noticed that they can't want for themselves?"

Curled up on his your bed, hand wrapped around his own cock in what's become something of a ritual since he'd arrived and you'd begun playing this game with him, he wonders, not for the first time, if Venetia was right. It seemed as though you'd confirmed as much the other night, that you simply loved him, perhaps even wanted him, because Felix was so fond of him. Even when you'd first slept together you'd danced around the idea of what you'd really wanted, even as he pressed, insisted.

He picked up early on - and told you as much - that you want to be wanted, but Venetia's words had shaken even that belief, or at least, it's origins. At times it seemed like Felix was the kind of creature who fed on the adoration of others, who's to say that you simply wanted to draw people into his orbit, to feed his ego, rather than for your own satisfaction. After all, Oliver couldn't imagine you without Felix, anyone who was drawn into your warmth would find themselves eventually in Felix's light.

And Felix was impossible not to love.

Did that explain last night? Were you afraid you were losing Oliver? Was it simply to keep that spark of desire in his chest burning bright? Except if you knew why he'd been in that bathroom in the first place, surely you could have intuited that his desperation for Felix hadn't waned.

His free hand goes to his own throat, fingers catching in the metal chain that rest there, tangling up the same way yours had last night. Cold, sharp pressure against his throat, he squeezes his eyes closed and sees Felix's head tipped back, steam curling, sweat and water clinging to his gorgeous skin as he gasps and moans and -

"Good boy," the memory of your voice in his ear. A mess of memories from the night before, of the lewd sloshing of Felix's bathwater caught up in the eroticism of the moment, leaving Oliver's imagination to run wild. The memory of how your breathing became stuttered, the way you'd shuddered, getting off to Oliver whimpering your best friend's name in your ear as he came. Were you too thinking of Felix, or getting off believing that Oliver was?

Can't want for themselves.

Except there had been a look in your eyes, in your smile, that dangerous, thrilling thing that lit you up as you licked his spend from your fingers like you were relishing the taste of him. Self satisfaction, a kind he'd never seen on you before.

Perhaps Venetia was wrong. Perhaps he could make you want him for your own sake. Perhaps you had already started.

The fantasy warps again, this time to something entirely new, flickering back and forth between debauched depictions of you and Felix, both coveting him for your own.

"My Ollie," possessive echoes of what he hopes to one day hear, until he's conjured an image of you both, lavishing him with affection without sparing each other a second glance. Wanted by both in your own right, "our Ollie," but still wanted as a collective. Loved by your shared love, not just by extension.

Then the fantasy returns to just last night. The fantasy returns to watching Felix and desperately hoping the man was thinking about him while making those noises. The fantasy returns to you, pressed against him, hand slick with Felix's bath water and both getting off to the idea of him. The fantasy returns to the taste of your blood on his tongue knowing his cum was on yours.

The fantasy returns to you both getting off to him.

Oliver finishes embarrassingly quickly. Again. As he does most days here; there's no shortage of memories to pull from, you and Felix have made sure of that. It's also why he finds very little shame in the act anymore; surely you both know that his mind wanders to you like this, why else would you continue to put on such a show when he still hasn't made a move. After cleaning himself up, and still not quite sure what to make of your intentions last night, he decides to put that from his mind for the time being, and enjoy the day he has with you at least.

In the library, it's you, and Felix, and a box set of Classic Doctor Who; the fourth one, Oliver's pretty sure, judging by the scarf. The smile you both give him is nothing but warm and completely innocent. Oliver grins back easily, and takes a seat. It feels the same as it always has. Like nothing has changed.

But Oliver learns quickly that they have.

That night, he finds you in the lilac study in only your underwear. Underwear too nice to be worn by pure chance. Feigning innocence you tell him you can change if you're making him uncomfortable, but that it's a warm night. It's no warmer than any other night has been thus far.

"Does Felix know you're in here with me, dressed like this?" Oliver leans in the doorframe, arms crossed, unashamedly gazing over your body. Instead of a real answer, all you do is grin, raising your eyebrows at him, as if in challenge. So this is for Felix's benefit too, Oliver thinks, perhaps showing off his willingness to share you, trying to coax Oliver into making the first move on the man as a way to continue using his most beloved toy? Wanting you, and by extension, wanting Felix.

For a moment, Oliver marvels about how easily you're able to catch and manipulate his focus according to your every whim, it seems. Who are you outside of the showmanship? Is there a real person under there? Maybe he should walk away, ponder this on his own or ask you in the light of day when you still at least pretend around the others and each other.

"I thought they were cute," is what you finally say, sitting forward, "I'm quite fond of blue," you add, snapping the waistband of your underwear against your hip. Blue like Oliver's always wearing, blue like his damn eyes, blue like he once told Felix was his favourite colour. Fuck. Fine, he's just a man after all, and a lesser man probably couldn't even hold out as long as he has against you and your gorgeous fucking body in the lamplight, and that look in your eyes.

It's not as intense as it was the night before, but he still gets you off through your underwear, and at his foolish encouragement, you leave a bruising hickey on his neck. Before you part ways for the night, you walk with him to his door, which rather unnecessary, just to let him know there's concealer in his shade in the top drawer on his side of the bathroom.

"You planned this all then?" He smirks at your nerve to be so casual about this all, pressing you against his door.

"You give me too much credit," you teased, gaze flicking from his eyes to his lips, "call it wishful thinking on my part," and you both know he doesn't believe you, but he still kisses you, grinning.

He tries to use this shift in the dynamic to find out more. Perhaps the physical intimacy meant you would be more open to emotional intimacy, even even he hears Felix in the back of his mind.

The day after he'd enquired about your father's work, the day after he'd pressed his ear to Felix's door from the bathroom and heard you sobbing about your parents, Felix himself had pulled Oliver aside with a tight smile shortly after breakfast.

"Ollie, I'm sorry I didn't mention it earlier mate, but about yesterday; we try not to bring up Y/N's mum and dad much around here."

"I'm sorry, I didn't -" Oliver tried, but Felix waved him off easily.

"No, I know you didn't know, you didn't mean anything by it," he assured warmly, but as he went to leave, Oliver couldn't help himself.

"Why?"

Felix stops. For a very long moment there is absolute silence. Stillness. Felix's smile doesn't reach his eyes when he turns back. There's a practiced easiness to him, something about it rehearsed and unfamiliar compared to the levity with which he usually carried himself.

"Because they don't have a kid."

And Oliver has no idea what to say to that, what he could possibly mean by that, so he lets Felix leave.

So when he starts to ask more questions, he careful about them. But he can't seem to catch a break. He gets confirmation that you and Felix have known each other since you were ten, and you're more than forthcoming about your life since then, but for all intents and purposes, you didn't seem to exist before then.

Tensions are running high the day before the first event, for you especially it seemed, even though you'd made it clear you wouldn't be in attendance. When he overhears you speaking with Elspeth, he hears something in your voice he'd never thought possible; despair.

"Do you have to host them in my garden, Elspeth?" You sounded like you were on the verge of tears. The matron of the house's voice is soothing as she reminds you that it's one of the most beautiful spots in the Estate. Your garden? "But every time she's in there she breaks my statue -"

"No she doesn't," Elspeth tries to dismiss, but you huff a surprisingly petulant whine.

"She does! Twice now! The seeds, there should be six, and I know it's her, Farleigh told me -"

"I won't let it happen again, pet, I promise."

"She knows it's mine, I know it, she's doing it on purpose -"

"It won't happen again."

Oliver doesn't know enough about your issue with the Arts Collective that is coming over, or whoever this specific member is that has you so upset, so he has to bide his time to get the answers he wants.

And he's not getting them from you. Clearly.

You're withdrawn during dinner. No-one else comments on it; it's like they all understand whatever it is you're going through, and only Oliver's left out of the loop. Not even Felix seems particularly worried, and that's the bit that surprised Oliver.

In the lilac study, much later, Oliver finds you in your pyjamas, sitting on the windowsill. When he asks if you're okay, you bark a humourless laugh.

"By all accounts," you give a thin-lipped smile, fidgeting with the unlit cigarette between your fingers, "I should be completely fine." It's not even close to being believable. When he sits, chin gently coming to rest on your knee as it hung down the back of the sofa, you sighed, dropping the act and lighting your cigarette. 'It's nothing," you mumbled after a moment, dropping his gaze and taking a draft of your cigarette.

"It's not nothing," Oliver assured softly. Looking up at him, the barest frown creased your brow.

"I never went through the kinds of things you had to," you admit softly, unaware of the cogs suddenly turning in Oliver's mind, "my life is," you laughed without even a hint of humour, "blessed," but the word comes out bitterly. With your free hand, you reach out to run your hand through Oliver's hair, pushing it back off of his forehead, "you don't need to worry about me, Ollie." Shame pulses through Oliver all at once, his lie weighing heavily on his consciousness. He leans into your touch, lets his eyes closed, terrified you'll see the guilt there.

"I do worry 'bout you," he pushes, voice faint and demure, his eyes still closed. He lets the words hang in the air, lets you turn them over in your mind, won't overplay his hand. There's the sound of the cigarette sizzling, then a long, deep sigh from you.

"You don't know me, Ollie."

It's strange to hear you say it, hear you finally admit it. Oliver hasn't been imagining things, you've managed to evade his attempts to genuinely get close to you. Part of him wants to scream, wants to shout well whose fucking fault is that, wants to holler with some kind of vindication. Instead, he kisses your knee, and whispers that he'd like to.

"You'll get there, I'm sure," you tell him with what he's sure is an attempt at warmth, once more carding your fingers through his hair, "spend enough time with Fi and you won't have a choice." It comes as a surprise to hear the forlorn notes in your voice. But then, as quickly as they were there, they'd disappeared, and you start telling him about the guests that would be in attendance at the dinner the following night.

"Why do you know all this if you aren't going?" He's struggling to retain any of the information you've dumped on him - whose married to who, who are the artists and who are the appreciators, the scandals each have been attached to - but it seems to come so easily to you. You're on your third cigarette when there finally comes a lull in the conversation.

"So I can tell you?" You gave him a confused little smile, but he still doesn't understand.

"But what if I wasn't going?"

"But you are," you frowned a little, confused smile becoming more forced, as if his lack of comprehension almost pains you, "why wouldn't you be?" Oliver blinks, "I always knew I wasn't going, but I always knew you would, and I -" you shrugged a little helplessly, "I know things. Now you know things." This time your grin is genuine, as if pleased to be able to help him in your own way.

"Does any of this really matter?" He doesn't mean for it to sound as blunt as it comes across, but thankfully you don't seem offended. Instead you bark a laugh, leaning back against the windowsill and casting your gaze to the navy sky outside.

"They seem to think so," you groaned, as if you'd been subjected to these people and their egos one too many times, "and they love to feel like they matter. Taking the time to know people makes them feel like they matter, at least that's how I was raised." It's a crack, the barest hint to your past that Oliver will ruminate on for days to come. He remembers very sharply how you'd blurted out that you weren't meant to matter. Slowly but surely he's piecing together a picture of your past. So far, he's not liking the image it's coming to form.

So he steers from dangerous conversational territories.

"'s that why you let Venetia talk to you the way she does?" It's not hostile or judgemental, he makes himself sound as genuine as he's able. A thoughtful hum escapes you while you keep looking out across the Estate's gardens, "like you don't mind if she's mean because you know that at least she feels good about herself around you?"

"I adore Venetia despite her sharp edges," you say softly, "and she and I both know this, but she's..." looking back to Oliver, your smile is sad as your mind drifts to Felix's sister, "insecure," voice low, you give a tired shake of your head, "if I knew how to draw lines in the sand, I'm sure she would have crossed it long before now."

"All these Cattons need to be wanted, don't they?" Oliver grins widely, leaning back and reclining on the sofa, watching you crack a genuine smile.

"Why do you think they keep me around?" You joke, but Oliver takes this moment and locks it away in his mind for further pondering, along with all the other revelations you'd afforded him. At least you look brighter when you leave then when he'd walked in. The last thing you tell him is to be punctual to the garden the following night; Elspeth thinks highly of punctuality.

"Am I not going to see you before dinner tomorrow?" Oliver frowns, also standing.

"Oh," you stall by the door, something awkward in your tone, "I'll be around at breakfast, and maybe lunch, but I'm probably not going to be much company or conversation."

The next morning, Oliver finds your words to be true. At breakfast, your gaze is glassy, your movements robotic. Pamela appears to have overslept, but Oliver seems to be the only one who even notices. There's a strange air in the house. Farleigh's more terse than usual, while Felix and Venetia seem to have glued themselves to your sides, the two of them chattering quietly between each other despite how you don't even appear to be aware of their presence.

Over lunch, you too are missing from attendance, as is Pamela once more. Elspeth spends a good portion of the meal trying to encourage her children to adopt a lighter mood. Neither cooperate with her request.

"This might be the best you get from them," Farleigh glanced at Felix and Venetia wearing near identical pouts, both focusing entirely on their lunch, "unless you're planning to surprise us all with dropping a house on the wicked bitch of the -"

"Farleigh, please," Elspeth cut him off sharply, "don't call her that." Farleigh's sharp gaze flicks to his aunt, but his mouth stays shut, "it's one night, can you please just be civil?"

"One night for her," Felix says pointedly under his breath.

Oliver is at a complete loss. Trying to think back on all the guests you'd told him about, he can't for the life of him recall which they might all be referring to. It bothers him enough that once lunch is finished, he looks for you; he'd like a little more warning if he really was to be walking into some kind of lion's den that evening. When he asks Felix, all he gets is a sighed 'study' and little else.

The study door is locked, so he knocks. On the other side, he hears a sigh.

"Go away, Ollie."

How had you known it was him? But that was a question for another time.

"I have a question about tonight -"

"I don't want to think about tonight, just go away, enjoy yourself -"

"I need to know more about the guest list; there's someone who seems to really bother Felix, Venetia, and Farleigh, but I can't remember who it could be that you told me about." He lets himself sound desperate, sound a little helpless and lost; you'd gone so far out of your way to make him feel at home here, he knew you'd -

"Um," after a moment, the door creaks open. Barely. Peering out, you don't look quite right, "it's- um, I think -"

"'re you alright?" Genuine concern wells up in him, but you pull back when he reaches out for you.

"Yeah, no, I'm fine, I'm just- fuck, Ollie, I'm high; what are you, my -" but you cut yourself off with a soft, angry swear, as if mad at yourself for reasons well beyond Oliver's understanding. Gaze unfocused, you frown deeply as you lean heavily against the doorframe. Oliver bit back further concern, taken aback by your relative hostility, "there's this curator that really gets under their skin," you recall after a moment, unable to meet his gaze, "last I checked she was about Elspeth's age; Pearl L/N."

Oliver doesn't remember you even mentioning a Pearl last night amongst all the rest of the guests.

"What's she done that's so bad?" But his words curiously cause your expression to scrunch, "do you not like her either?" You shook your head so hard you almost lost your balance; this time you don't shy away from Oliver when he holds your shoulder steady, "what'd she do?"

"She's just vapid," your voice is so small; there's so much you're not telling him in this moment, Oliver can tell, "you don't need to make her feel like she matters, she knows she does," you swallow thickly, looking at the doorframe, "but if you compliment the work of Bijou L/N in her general area I'm sure she'll jump at the chance to tell you how she sold her Aurora triptych for the same amount that her mother's first house cost." You advised bitterly, lip curling, "she loves hearing herself speak," you spat as an afterthought, immediately trying to slam the door as if you'd forgotten Oliver was even there.

Catching the door, he asks once more if you're okay, and you finally look at him, pain in your eyes like he's never seen before, tears, unspilled, turning your gaze glassy.

"I do hope you have a good night," despite the sadness in your voice, you sound sincere, and Oliver lets you close the door once more.

As he's getting himself ready for the event, Oliver finds himself musing over the information he'd gotten from you. It's no surprise the Catton siblings aren't a fan of this woman; he can't imagine they enjoy being in the presence of someone who craves the spotlight even more than either of them do.

Your advice about an early arrival paid off at least, as Oliver finds himself in the fairy garden with Elspeth in her lavender gown, as always being an incorrigible gossip. With very little genuine care for her own daughter, Elspeth's gossip finds a home amid disparaging remarks. If he carefully files Venetia's insecurities and less noticeable flaws away in the back of his mind, he does so only in case of emergency. Despite their disagreements, Felix clearly loved his sister too; how Oliver would use the information Elspeth gives him to his advantage would remain to be seen, but he reasoned it was good to have.

When finally he's given the chance to comment on Pamela - indirectly, every possibly sharp remark was wrapped in layers of silk at Saltburn - Elspeth's guilt is unmistakable. So Oliver does what he does best; he tells Elspeth exactly what she needed to hear. He drives a wedge in her memories of the woman she'd kicked out, shut the door on the guilt and the thought of return, soothing the Catton matriarch in the process. Sometimes it really was shockingly easy to make the Catton Family Players dance.

"You know it's very good of you taking Y/N the way you did," Oliver adds for good measure, "eleven years I think they said?"

"Oh," Elspeth's brow creases for just a moment as she thinks back, "I suppose it has been that long, hasn't it?" There's a faraway look in her eyes, but Oliver sees an opportunity for information you and Felix were always rather evasive about.

"I would have thought it would be strange," Oliver offers, his tone carefully neutral, but of course light, "having so many people here all the time; Y/N, Farleigh, Pamela, me. You're very generous, very kind." Elspeth gives a gracious smile at the compliment, eyes shining in the twilight. The same grace with which Felix accepts Oliver's soft spoken compliments when it's just the two of them.

"Saltburn was built for company, Oliver dear, nothing strange at all," she tells him in earnest, "James and I have always welcomed our loved ones with open arms, and I am proud to have passed that sentiment on to my darling children."

"Venetia certainly seems fond of Y/N."

Something about Elspeth's expression tightens for the barest moment, and she takes a sip of her wine with a hum that almost sounds like an agreement.

"Y/N seems to believe as much," she says with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes, "and I suppose she hasn't run them off yet, though I suspect their loyalty to Felix has far more to do with that than whatever apparent kindness my daughter has afforded them."

"I'm sorry...?" Oliver tips his head to the side, confusion masking his intrigue.

"Lord knows I try not to judge my darling children and their friends, so I of course would turn a blind eye to their youthful trysts and experimentation, but really Venetia's been using the poor pet in bad taste for years now, treating them like a dog; you've seen the way she antagonises them, I can't imagine what she's like behind closed doors, nor why Y/N puts up with it!"

"You haven't tried to stop it?"

"Felix has come to me about some of the things Venetia's apparently said, but he seemed more miffed than anything, said Y/N wasn't at all bothered," Elspeth sighed, shaking her head, "I think they pity her, honestly."

"Sounds like Felix and Y/N have pretty inseperable, and you obviously care about them a lot too."

"Felix has always been wonderful at making friends," Elspeth gives a sweet smile, casting her fond gaze at Oliver for a moment, "but Y/N was this tragic, little thing; the first time they met us their parents enquired about whether James and I would like to host them for the Summer, of course I wasn't even aware I was talking to their parents when the offer was made, but Felix had taken quite a shine to them so of course we were more than happy to agree. Then," she gives such a dainty shrug, expression fond and blithe, "they called again as schools were breaking for Christmas, something about how fond Y/N had grown of us all; after that they didn't even have to call."

"So they've been coming back here all this time?"

"Oh the children would often holiday elsewhere during the break, but Y/N was almost always with Felix, wherever he was," she smiled wide, mind alight with memories of your shared youth, "their parents have always afforded us a generous stipend for allowing them to remain with us and Felix so consistently through the years, so it was never any trouble or burden to take care of them."

A long pause follows, and Oliver lets himself mull over all he'd learned, fascinated by it all. But he keeps coming back to one thought;

"You didn't know you were talking to their parents?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You said back when you and Felix first met Y/N, you hadn't known you were talking to their parents?"

"Well, no," Elspeth says, and takes a moment to think carefully about the past, about her next words, "but we were at a business event, I suppose they wanted to remain somewhat professional." Her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. There's something there, something more. Something about these memories has softened the matriarch, even more than discussing her own daughter.

"Well I know they love you," Oliver tells her, though he's only rarely heard you and Felix talking about the family, "and I know they're grateful to you, and your husband, and all you've done for them, the care you've shown." And there it is, that faraway softness, that hint of maternal love that almost looks foreign on her.

"We haven't done all that much," Elspeth admits gently, soft smile gracing her features, "just what anyone would do, I think."

"More than what their own parents did, it sounds like."

Elspeth's expression falls, her gaze dropping to her hands. She takes a long sip of her wine.

"They're lovely people, really, please don't take what I've said as any kind of inducement on them as people, I think you'd actually find them quite charming," she says, almost forcibly cheerful, "they're exuberant, fascinating people; they've been wonderful friends to myself and James for quite some time, long before we welcomed Y/N into our home, actually," she laughs a little, looking back up, apparently having shaken her just moments ago, "I will say it was quite the surprise to find out they had a child just the same age as Felix." It's an evasive answer, one Oliver doesn't want to let her get out of but doesn't quite know how to turn the conversation back. The silence is not uncomfortable, but Oliver is still grateful that it's Elspeth that breaks it once more.

"He's never been particularly fond of them," Elspeth somehow gives him an in without Oliver even needing to pry further. Her tone is dismissive, like her son's distaste is simply childish, "but Felix has always been loyal," she smiles warmly once more after shaking her head, "I really do think you'll like them; so much of Y/N comes from them."

"I'll like them?" Oliver frowned with confusion, to which Elspeth nodded, reiterating the sentiment, "you think I'll meet them?"

"Of course, darling, they're coming to dinner tonight," she shakes her head after a beat, seemingly correcting herself, "well, their darling mother. She was at Oxford with James, studying Art History, if I do recall -" but she's cut short as Duncan announces the arrival of the first guests, and Elspeth stands, smiles, slipping comfortably into the role of the perfect hostess.

Oliver feels like he almost understands. Like he's right on the edge of putting all the pieces together. There's too much new information, too many social rules he still doesn't know; part of your discomfort was almost definitely related to your mother being here, and that vapid curator Felix hated -

"You are going to need this," Farleigh presses a glass of champagne into Oliver's hands. He seems more irate than usual, but unusually, it doesn't seem to be directed at Oliver. As the guests begin to filter in, they stand side-by-side at the edge of the garden. Farleigh looks like he belongs there, long and elegant, hand in his pocket and his own champagne glass poised delicately in his grip as he glowered at the others.

"Not a fan of the Arts Collective either?" Oliver enquires, carefully taking a sip.

"Tell me that isn't Fredrika's boy!" Comes a call from across the garden, and Farleigh plasters on a smile as he nods and tips his glass to the gentleman who'd gleefully identified him. They both hear him exclaim to some others he was with, "look how tall he's gotten!" But thankfully the man makes no move towards them, choosing instead to blatantly discuss Farleigh, and-or his mother, with little regard for the man himself.

"They've always been kind to my mother," it's the most diplomatic and genuine Oliver's pretty sure Farleigh's ever been while speaking to him. Still, his discomfort does not seem to ease.

"So I suppose there's just a few bad apples then," Oliver muses, "Y/N warned me about Pearl." It takes several seconds of silence for Oliver to finally give Farleigh his full attention. There's a curious look in his eyes, one Oliver hadn't quite been expecting.

"Did they?" He says very carefully.

"The woman sounds like a pain," Oliver says easily, trying his best to ignore the sudden strange vibe that has picked up around them, "but I assumed all these rich folks have an ego on them, so she must be some kind of something since they barely mentioned their own mother and I know they're not fond of her either."

"You are an idiot," Farleigh looks like he can't even believe the words coming out of Oliver's mouth. There's that lost feeling again, like everyone knows some kind of secret that he's not allowed to, like they all want to keep dancing around the truth, afraid of giving him real answers. Farleigh shakes his head in disbelief, an unsettling, quiet anger in his eyes, "you are a fucking idiot -"

"Oh my god, wow!" Comes a bright voice from far closer than Oliver had been expecting, "I'm getting flashbacks, Elle, are you getting flashbacks? Doesn't he look just like Freddie making that face?" Farleigh, beside Oliver, freezes.

When Oliver turns, he sees Elspeth approaching him with a painfully familiar woman on her arm, saying that this is the one I was telling you about; Oliver -

Oliver recognises your mother by her smile. It lights up her whole face, so comforting, so warm and full of affection as her gaze lingers on him.

"Oh, Oliver, I'm sure you're darling, but I must say hello to Freddie's youngling," she enthuses with a laugh. Farleigh looks like his body is three seconds away from engaging in some kind of fight or flight response.

"I see you remember Farleigh, my nephew," Elspeth points out, and the woman wraps Farleigh up in a hug that he does not reciprocate.

"Of course," she gleefully identifies, and Farleigh makes an uncomfortable noise to the affirmative. When she lets him go, she doesn't do so entirely, holding him at arm's length for a moment as she looks him over, "you are such a marvel, darling, every time I see you!" Glancing over her shoulder at Elspeth, she wears a charmingly teasing smile, "never tell James that his sister got all the good genes," and Elspeth, despite the backhanded compliment, seems only endeared by this woman's antics. Finally she lets Farleigh go, stepping back and continuing to size him up, sparkle of mirth in her eyes, "how is your mother, darling?"

"Elsewhere," Farleigh answers shortly.

"Of course, is she still in New York?"

"For the time being," it seems to be enough for her for now, letting him go. Then, she turns her attention onto Oliver, letting Elspeth make the introduction.

"And this is Oliver, a dear friend of my Felix's who's staying with us for the Summer," Elspeth rests a warm hand on Oliver's shoulder, but the woman forgoes propriety to also hug Oliver tightly.

"Oh wonderful to meet you, Oliver - Ollie, can I call you Ollie? Do they call you Ollie?" She says as he awkwardly hugs her back, running on autopilot. Oliver makes some kind of noise, he's sure, but apparently your mother takes that as an affirmative. Pulling back, she smiles with such genuine warmth it's almost jarring to think about what he knows of her, "oh Ollie, so lovely to have you here, it's so good to see beautiful, bright, fresh faces as fans of the arts; you are a fan of the arts, I take it?"

"I suppose," he offers awkwardly, to which your mother gives a laugh. It doesn't sound like laughter should, there's something a little mean about it, something condescending.

"Darling boy you're with the Arts Collective, at Saltburn of all places; one would think to do their research before attending an event such as this -"

"Wine and cheese in the garden were we get high -?" Farleigh's snide aside that hopefully only Oliver hears as he mutters it under his breath is cut off by Oliver's quick apology.

"It's my first Summer here; I'm a fan of the arts but I thought it would be best to set expectations low considering the calibre of guest. I'm not much of an artist but that doesn't hinder my appreciation," he bullshits quickly, and your mother's eyes light up, taking the bait entirely.

"Nice save," Farleigh mutters under his breath while your mother all but swooned at Oliver's humility.

"Oh! Then I do apologise, dear, I'm glad to have you here, glad to see not all hope is lost for the youth," she shook her head with a fond exasperation, "your friend Felix has never taken much interest unfortunately," she chuckles, "one of his very few flaws, I'm afraid."

"I'm also friends with Y/N," Oliver adds quickly, and immediately feels Farleigh's hand on the small of his back, voice in his ear - don't.

"Sorry darling, I don't know who that is," your mother sounds completely and utterly sincere; nothing in her smile or her body language betrays it as a lie. Despite Farleigh's warning, Oliver pushes.

"Your kid, Y/N," he can feel Farleigh actually grabbing onto the hem of his jacket, voice a snarl now - stop.

"Ollie, dear, I don't have any children," she says with what appears to be complete earnestness. Oliver blinks quickly, stepping back, faintly apologising.

"Sorry, I must have gotten some wires crossed," he says weakly.

"Are you feeling alright?" She puts her hand to his forehead, sweet concern written all over her face. God, she looks so much like you, he really thought - "can we get darling Ollie some water?" She snaps her fingers at one of the servers insistently, rudely, directing Oliver to sit down. He did so, and Farleigh took a seat next to him, wrapping an arm around Oliver's shoulders.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am," Oliver hears himself speak almost automatically, "I don't think I caught your name." Immediately the woman's expression morphs into a pantomime of apology, offering her hand.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so used to being known at these things - god, listen to me I must sound like I have such an ego, sorry, Ollie, darling," the woman's smile reeks of practiced perfection, "I'm Pearl L/N." Everything stops for a very long few moments as Oliver shakes her hand and processes this news. He blinks a few times, and Pearl laughs airily in the twilight, "oh, maybe he does know me; look," she tips her head to Elspeth, "the boy's starstruck." He's liking her less and less and the moments go on; he can see exactly what the others' problem is with her.

"Sorry, Pearl L/N?" Quickly retracting his hand, he tries to remember what you'd told him mere hours ago, "are you the same Pearl L/N who managed to sell Bijou L/N's Aurora's to..." he trails off, having no actual idea of where the paintings had gone, but banking on what you told him about Peal enjoying the sound of her own voice. As anticipated, she looks frankly delighted, throwing her head back as an uncannily familiar laugh echoes from her. In his peripheries, he sees the approving look Elspeth is giving him.

"My word, yes, they're still up at The Met," she tells him, "I suspect it will be a cold day in hell before they're taken down; they paid more than my mother paid for the house she painted them in."

"Your mother -?"

"I'll take care of him," Farleigh cuts him off with a cold smile to Pearl. It's enough to distract the woman, who coos fondly.

"Oh you really are Freddie's, she must be so proud of the man you are, Farleigh."

Farleigh gives a jerky nod, robotically thanking her for the compliment, and she swans away to greet some of the others who've just arrived.

"Sorry, I thought... she just reminded me so much of Y/N," Oliver mumbled. Farleigh extracts his arm from around Oliver's shoulders, something dangerous in his eyes as he watches the woman, now talking and laughing and socialising with such exuberance and ease.

"You are a fucking idiot," Farleigh bites out venomously, not even looking at Oliver. His arms are crossed tightly over his chest. They both watch for a moment as Pearl takes the arm of another guest, coaxing them and the group they're with to sit over on the picnic bench.

"Can you stop calling me that if you're not going to tell explain to me why?" Oliver finally snaps back, turning to level a glare at the tall gentleman beside him. Farleigh meets his unimpressed look with one of his own, gazing into his eyes as if his next words were of the utmost importance.

"Why exactly do you think that Y/N L/N has a problem with Pearl L/N?"

Oliver feels like a fucking idiot. All the pieces are finally in place, and the picture, Oliver realises, is much bleaker than he'd realised.

Farleigh looks back at the picnic table. The general chatter has died down now, and it seemed that catching up between members of the collective was in order. But his focus was captivated by the woman with your smile. Your mother. Everything familiar about her started to make his skin itch. Everything about you started to make a lot more sense.

There was an effortlessness to how she dazzled the collective, pouring affectionate praise onto the artists as they shared their creativity and triumph, offering support and suggestion to other curators and appreciators like herself who found themselves looking for advice.

Charming, exuberant, fascinating, just as Elspeth had told him she's be. Oliver just remembers hearing you weep about how, in the eleven years since you'd been welcomed into Saltburn, she'd never once asked about you.

"I'm in talks with the Vatican about doing a documentary on the Sistine Chapel," Pearl tell the collective airily when it's finally her turn to share. Chin in one hand, the other picking at the statue at the back of the table that's just behind her, Oliver remembers the argument you'd had with Elspeth just yesterday, "but it's been such a runaround," she groaned, reaching up for one of the stone seeds the sculpture was trying to eat, "so many legal meetings and all this red tape; I've got a meeting with the pope and several high ranking members of the clergy to see if I can get their blessing and bypass all this nonsense. I swear Michaelangelo would be rolling in his grave if he knew the effort one must put in nowadays to appreciate his work." A meeting with the fucking pope?

"Pope Benedict the Sixteenth?" Elspeth says with disbelief, the gaggle of women scattered around the garden echoing the sentiment.

"Has there been another one instated while I wasn't looking?" Pearl smiles, teasing edge to her tone that's uncomfortably familiar, but then there's a faint crack, and she looks up guiltily. Or at least, she looks exactly the way a guilty person should look.

"Darling, you do that every time," Elspeth laughs lightly, while the woman puts the stone seed down on the table before her.

"Surely it hasn't been that many times," she responded, though Farleigh's voice is in Oliver's ear.

"That's the third."

"Fine, let me get you another one," the woman offers, "a proper nymph for this darling little fairy garden, something pretty and fitting, not this..." She looks up at the statue, at the myth of Persephone gleefully eating what seeds are left, at the figure with your unmistakable likeness, "strange, sad little thing," she laughs, before adding that the garden itself was beautiful, and that Elspeth had to get her in contact with the landscape artist. Elspeth, surprisingly, suggests that they should head inside since it was swiftly approaching dinner.

Felix and Venetia are already sitting at the table, a mostly empty bottle of wine on the table between them, both cups far less than full. Farleigh takes the seat opposite Felix, and pulls Oliver down to sit across from Venetia. Neither of the siblings speak, but both are looking at Farleigh as if they can divine some secret message from his wordless expression alone.

"No, I take it back," Pearl's voice fills the dining room, drawing all attention as the others filled in around her. The way she's looking at Felix and Venetia is so painfully endeared; if Oliver didn't know any better, he'd say their glares in her direction were cruel, "Elle, I think Cattons are just cursed to have beautiful children," sighing with a teasing, faux disappointment to Elspeth as she passes behind the siblings to take her seat, she greets them both warmly.

"Children," Elspeth prompts, sharp look in her eyes like she's embarrassed by their lack of grace, both Venetia and Felix nod in greeting, her name coming out as a robotic mumble.

"How lovely are they," Pearl sits, fawning over the Catton siblings to the other guests, who all chatter in faint agreement. As expected, however, Oliver finds he can hear Pearl's voice over all the others, even though she sat herself across from Elspeth, at the other end of the table, "Elle, really I'm in endless awe of you and James, Saltburn has never looked so spectacular as it does under your care, I'm sure my home would go to ruin if Andreas and I ever attempted having a child, let alone raising one half as lovely as you've managed; twice!"

"Pearl," Elspeth told her, voice loud enough that it too carried, "I'm sure that if you had a child, they would be -"

"Oh you're just being kind, Elle, don't waste your breath on hypotheticals."

Across the table, Felix looks like he's about to cry.

Oliver feels... unexpectedly hollow. Every word Pearl speaks reminds him of the state he'd seen you in that afternoon.

"I hate her," Venetia snarls, loud enough for only the four at the end to have heard. There's something about this moment, looking at the siblings and their cousin so completely united against this common enemy, that finally makes Oliver realise and believe just how deeply they all cared for you. Even Farleigh was regarding him in solidarity.

Somehow Pearl still hadn't noticed the black cloud that hung over the other end of the table, or perhaps after eleven years she was used to ignoring it. At least the rest of the collective didn't seem too bothered by it, making bright conversation amongst themselves and leaving the furious youth to stew in their collective anger.

"Why didn't you tell me Pearl was your mum?" Oliver heads immediately to the lilac study. The door opens right as he's about to knock, like you'd heard him coming; you look better than you had that afternoon, but his words have your expression falling.

"I'm sure she didn't see it necessary to tell you I'm her child either," you snapped back, hostile. Oliver goes quiet. You crossed your arms, gaze dropping to the ground, "exactly."

"I don't know you," voice faint, Oliver steps back. Finally it starts to hit him, everything that's happened, everything he'd learned and witnessed and heard. The ache begins in his chest and blooms as he looks at you and tries to reconcile all he now knows. How had he not realised that in all the time you'd spent together, you'd never even given him your last fucking name? "I don't know who you are."

"I don't owe anyone anything -"

"Especially not yourself, right?" Oliver cuts you off, at war with himself when he sees the hurt in your eyes. Still, he can't stand by and let you talk like this, let you become a secondary character in your own damn life, "don't owe yourself the chance to believe that someone cares about you, wants to know you, to make you feel like you matter? I want to know you, I want to I love you," the words sound so raw, and he aches, shudders with each deep breath in, "but there is something wrong with you."

There was no anger in your eyes when you'd closed the door, nor any kind of betrayal. Oliver wonders if that would have been easier to stomach than the guilt, the look of apology. You agreed; you believed he was right. Regret begins to claw at his gut the moment he stumbles back, towards his room; he should have waited, given himself time to think, to process before going to you. Fuck, he really shouldn't have gone to you knowing the state you were in.

Oliver is hollow with want, despite his outburst, desperate to be close to you. But there's no way he can come back from this tonight. All he has is the people who care about you. If Oliver had learned one thing tonight, it was the Catton children and their cousin all did love you, each in their own way.

And Venetia Catton was smoking outside his window in a see-through nightgown.

#felix catton x reader x oliver quick #felix catton x reader #saltburn x reader #saltburn imagine #felix catton imagine #oliver quick x reader #felix catton x y/n #felix catton x you #oliver quick imagine #oliver quick smut #oliver quick x y/n #oliver quick x you #head heart hand fic #manic writer

[goodbyeapathy8]

Leaving Kindergarten Mafia

There have already been a few posts floating around about the Discord server implosion of Kindergarten Mafia. They do a great job of outlining the events that happened, with documentation, directly from the folks who were harmed by the server owner (Hann) and mods that helped enable their racism. (Snake and Mouse, Jinx1, Jinx2, mousydentist, Faye, among others.) So I'm not going to do that.

These are my own thoughts on the specific racism and tenets of white supremacy that I observed in the server as well as a general commentary on joining fandom spaces.

Rarely do I emphasize my age but it's relevant so here we are : I am 35 years old this year and Kindergarten Mafia was part of my first baby steps into any fandom. Ironically, my hesitation to join fandom ended up being proven because I had heard, for a very long time, that fandom spaces were dominated by racism and a failure to acknowledge POC fans. For a long time, I was complacent and felt "safe" in that server of 300+ folks.

Until one Native member spoke up about the usage of "spirit animal" as appropriative and the cracks in the foundations began to show themselves to everyone and not just the people with marginalized identities.

I had already started to feel uncomfortable in how the server dealt with ableism. There was also a member who I've previously called out on Tumblr, for usage of the m*dget slur in their story, and who became extremely vocal recently. (Spoiler alert - they wrote an entire essay excusing their usage of it, multiple times in the fic, because they couldn't be creative or bothered enough to come up with an alternative for a "short person".)

Without further ado, let's get into it. These are all from the link above, "tenets of white supremacy in organizations" (and yes, a Discord server of 300+ people absolutely DOES count as an organization).

1. Sense of Urgency, such as prioritizing quick or highly visible results that can exclude potential allies. -> In the server, both server owner and problematic mods continued to emphasize that their "missteps" (i.e. racism) was due to needing to seek a solution ASAP for the good of the server.

2. Worshipping the Written Word, such as valuing strong documentation and writing skills. -> Rebuttals to POC/marginalized folks were constantly full of dictionary definitions, copied over.

3. Believing in Only One Right Way, such as concluding something is wrong with people who refuse to adapt or change. -> POC members and allies were banned when anger was expressed because OUR anger suddenly made it an "unsafe" space for the server owner and problematic mods.

4. Paternalism, such as decision-making processes that are only understood by those with power and unclear to those without it.  -> Despite multiple server users disagreeing with the server owner's tactics (including the co-owner, who stepped down), Hann continued to defend + make decisions.

5. Defensiveness, such as spending energy trying to protect power or defend against charges of racism. -> There's too many examples to cite here. But in the end, it was claimed that the initial problem was solved. And then the problem mod was invited back. With additional defense of why.

6. Power Hoarding, such as feeling threatened when anyone suggests organizational changes. -> Instead of wanting to listen to marginalized identities, the server was threatened with a shut-down. Multiple people stepped up to take over as server owner. But power hoarding was more important so not only was the server shut down... it was resurrected from the dead to include their favorite (white) people. This leads us to...

7. Believing I’m the Only One, such as thinking that if something is going to get done right, then ‘I’ have to do it.

8. Fear of Open Conflict, such as equating the raising of difficult issues with being rude or impolite. -> The initial issue around the problematic phrase was ridiculously hush hush. POC members were banned for their (rightfully so) angry remarks.

9. Believing in Objectivity, such as considering emotions to be irrational and destructive to decision-making.  -> Not just the server owner but the people who rushed to defend them and the problematic mods, claimed to be impartial and objective, based on their queer identities or other things. As humans, none of us can actually be objective and all of us are a little racist because racism is a systemic problem that we were raised under.

10. Claiming a Right to Comfort, such as scapegoating those who cause emotional or psychological discomfort. -> In the end, it was clear that only whiteness was valued when POC folks + allies were banned or made to feel uncomfortable enough to leave (such as myself).

I know I've only posted my thoughts/feelings vs documentation (which, you shouldn't always demand because see above for "worshipping the written word") but if this screenshot of the new rules for the new server doesn't convince you that something (racism/cult-ism) is wrong with these folks... I don't know what will.

TL;DR - Ownership and modding of a large Discord server doesn't make you a god. You are, unfortunately, still a puny mortal with the biases that come along with being as such. I'm sure it was a fun power trip for those involved but I am happy to expose the rotting underbelly in a way that I see fit.

In conclusion, I leave you with further reading that will help decolonize your mindset and has done a much better job at showing that the problems with the Kindergarten Mafia are not unique (as they claimed). It is one that those of us with marginalized identities face constantly and we are fucking tired of running into this and being treated in a way that emphasizes the problem with our existence in real life. Intersectionality and decolonization is what will actually liberate us, and without both, online spaces are simply the same reflections of real life.

At the very least, I hope it gives some of you food for thought.

(I will also post my Scathing Letter™ that was my last message in the server as a separate post because I am wordy AF and this is already too long.) [1/26/2024 update] Now with part 2 because apparently I had more things to say.

#decolonize fandom spaces #kindergarten mafia #online fandom #racism

[keshetchai]

As someone who enjoys religion blogging/discussions, I've come to realize that it's a good practice to be aware of the general signs/symptoms of religious-OCD thinking (aka scrupulosity), because if the conversation is taking on all the hallmarks of scrupulosity, it's actually a definitive sign that we cannot meaningfully and compassionately engage in a conversation about religion in a healthy way. I've actually had this play out a significant number of times online, and when I realized what it was, I also began to realize that the intrusive thoughts/obsessive and compulsive thinking are only ever fed by continuing the discussion with that person.

[[ Important edit to clarify why I am saying it's not healthy — made after I went back to look for more concrete facts about OCD or anxiety (I have GAD, not OCD, but many resources overlap since they're both anxiety disorders):

When Reassurance is Harmful — this explains how/why reassurance-seeking specifically about an OCD fear is a compulsive behavior, and engaging with reassurance-seeking interferes with recovery/management/treatment.

This table from the Anxiety Disorders Center lists key differences between Information Seeking and Reassurance Seeking.

This IOCDF page on Scrupulosity info for Faith Leaders identifies "symptom accommodation" as enabling. Two of the examples of doing this by participating in the OCD behavior are: "Engage in excessive conversation focused on if-then scenarios (e.g., "If I did this, then would X or Y happen? And what if Z was involved? How about W?")" And, "Repeatedly answering questions about ‘correct’ religious or faith practices."

That page also goes on to outline more info about reassurance seeking. "Although providing answers to (often simple!) questions may seem harmless, providing reassurance serves to maintain the anxiety disorder cycle." (This BMC psychiatry article cites a lot of related studies establishing this.)

The IOCDF page on What is OCD and Scrupulosity? ]]

Imo, the responsible thing to do is to recognize that (even if the other person hasn't outright stated it/isn't diagnosed)* the conversation is not about religion, it is about needing mental health support from professionals and experts. Talking to me, the layperson who enjoys chatting theology and my religion — is not only not helping, but is actively harmful. I'm not just talking about the person who I replied to today, either. Like I've said, I've seen this happen dozens of times in various online forums.

*[while I am against diagnosing strangers on the internet, it's important to realize A) lots of people don't know what Scrupulosity is, so it's possible they've never considered this is a mental health concern that could be treated, and that B) for the purposes of my concern, it doesn't matter if they actually have diagnosed OCD. The only thing that matters is that their thought-process causes them genuine distress/fear, and every response given to them seems to only incite new/additional distressing questions/thoughts, or further entrenches the original distress.]

Ultimately, any discussion aside from "you might want to speak to a mental health professional about scrupulosity OCD" seemingly puts me in the position of feeling as if I am being used for their self-harm. I hate that feeling. I do not want to be leverage for fear and pain. I have GAD, I despise the idea that I am making things worse.

No matter how much I love religious discussion, the answer in these cases is always "please reach out to an OCD specialist/mental health professional. I am not qualified to discuss this." And then to stop there. I have never once seen anyone stuck in this compulsive thought spiral be reassured or feel any better by hearing from someone else's approach to theology handled with things like empathy, compassion, logic, or even atheism. It doesn't matter what we say, how we say it, or how we relate to our own religion. The urge to engage in this kind of conversation in order to chat about religion is a sign that we are not equipped to help.

You can't have a conversation here, because intentionally or not, ten times out of ten, you are adding fuel to the fire. Just like people can't simply tell me something that would erase/talk me out of my ADHD/depression/anxiety disorder, you also cannot simply argue/reassure/persuade people out of scrupulosity. We should not try. We have a responsibility to consider that it's outright harmful to do so, and to disengage.

#this is a massive pet peeve of mine #im not mad at the people who responded about religion and religious thinking bc it took me time to realize what this was too #like im sure i used to view these kinds of questions in a more...idk flippant light when i was a teenager and maybe even in my 20's #as i became more educated about my own mental health though i started to realize the pattern in these fears #and like many of you i probably originally started replying to people with scrupulosity or similar religious anxieties genuinely #not realizing at first that replying to their fears or questions was inevitable harmful #not realizing that hey actually this is far above my paygrade #ocd/obsessive thinking and anxiety spirals can be crippling life ruining and immensely painful #and unfortunately my love of theological discussions sometimes tripped me RIGHT into what was essentially self-harm #so im not mad at other people for also making that mistake - but i am asking everyone to think about this actively #its too easy to leap in without considering if the discussion is healthy to have for our discussion partner #its definitely too easy to contribute to the pain and fear while only meaning to genuinely help what is misunderstood as a mere “worry” #bc these arent just small fears or worries but thoughts that are causing them immense pain

[mindmeltonabun-blog]

My Demon: Theories and Analysis for Eps 7-8

Hello Readers!

The episodes this week were top-tier! Some quick thoughts I had about this week's eps: Kwang Chul gave a whole new meaning to the phrase, “step on me”. I totally wasn’t expecting this drama to have any blood or gore, but here we are. Did they have to make Gu Won’s stabbing so violent and gruesome?!! Blood was spurting out everywhere! It seriously made me want to vomit.

Other thoughts I had were that all of Madam Ju’s family members should be in prison or at least a mental institution because they're all so freaking crazy. The only good thing about these episodes was that Do Hee and Gu Won finally admitted their true feelings to each other.

I'll try to keep this post as short as possible, but you know me, I still end up writing a shit ton. Anyway, let's take a deeper dive into some of the many mysteries in "My Demon". Time to put on our thinking caps to analyze and theorize!

Demons' Limitations

In Ep 7, we were finally given more information about demons. Specifically, the writer provided us with information about demons' limitations which are quite similar to the limitations of the genie from Aladdin.

For those who don’t remember the rules of Aladdin's Genie, here they are: 

1. Can’t kill anyone 2. Can’t make people fall in love 3. Can’t bring anyone back from the dead

There are some minor differences between the two sets of rules. For instance, instead of the rule that prohibits you from making people fall in love, there are rules against interfering with God's work and preventing natural disasters.

I believe the writer is presenting these rules to suggest that Gu Won will eventually break one of these rules to save Do Hee's life (see the section "What's Best for You is What's Best for Me" for more). Something interesting to note is that Netflix didn't translate the whole page in this scene. There is a part of the text that says, "Killing the living, saving the dead, etc are part of God's domain". This means God is allowed to kill the living, bring back the dead, prevent natural disasters, etc. Basically, God can do all the things demons can't. Seeing this translation also made me realize what God meant when she said "turf" in Ep. 7. I'll further elaborate in the section titled, "God/Lady".

Demons vs Guardians

I'm curious about the differences between demons and guardians. When a demon becomes a guardian, do they acquire a new set of powers? Or does becoming a guardian simply mean they return to being human without additional abilities? Based on the information presented so far, it appears that for a demon to transition into a guardian, they must learn to love and be loved in return. Achieving these milestones would essentially enable them to regain their soul and humanity. It would be cool though if, upon becoming a guardian, demons retained their powers but without an immortal lifespan, similar to Lee Yeon from Tale of the Nine-Tailed!

What Landed Gu Won in Hell? Love

Being a demon is comparable to the life of a genie. In both cases, the individuals are bound to fulfill the desires of others. However, for demons, this servitude isn't a mere obligation--it's a necessity for their continued existence. Unlike genies, demons must grant wishes to sustain their own lives. When I think about it, the life of a demon is quite sad because they have to spend their entire existence granting others' wishes without ever having an opportunity for their own wishes to be fulfilled. This got me thinking about what exactly was Gu Won's greatest desire or wish. Side note, y'all should check out the show Lucifer if you like mystery, devil and human romance, family drama, etc.

Throughout the show, we have witnessed that our deepest wishes and desires, can ironically, lead to our demise, sending us straight to Hell, where we are tormented by these very wishes. Take for example, Park Bok Gyu's wish to never go hungry. After he died, he was tortured by creatures with fish heads. Conversely, the mob boss, who sought wealth and power, faces a fate in Hell that, according to Gu Won, would be even more severe. These examples show us the larger the wish, the steeper the cost--meaning that if your wish is significantly large, your soul could end up in far worse places than Hell. But what's worse than even the deepest levels of Hell? Becoming a demon. Unlike in Hell, where you could finish your punishment more quickly and be reincarnated, being turned into a demon means becoming a slave for all of eternity. All hope isn't lost though because as I mentioned earlier, if you learn to love and be loved returned, you can be free of your demon existence.

I'll now provide you with what I think Gu Won's wishes were and the circumstances surrounding his transformation into a demon! Let me just say that Gu Won's wishes were astronomical. They weren't common wishes like wealth or power which would be easily granted by demons. They were wishes only God could grant.

(DISCLAIMER: DO NOT PLAGIARIZE MY THEORIES, I BETTER NOT BE SEEING MY THEORIES ON ANY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM WITHOUT CREDIT).

So, Do Hee and Gu Won were in love, but their societal positions created significant barriers. Being a kisaeng and a nobleman, they faced the harsh reality their love could not flourish in that lifetime. Now, Do Hee was forced to work as a kisaeng to provide for her family.

Due to Do Hee's status as a kisaeng, she was either sold off to someone else or, in an alternative scenario, their forbidden love led to her tragic death (who knows, maybe Jin Star's past self killed Do Hee in a fit of jealousy; maybe they were sisters?). In either situation, Gu Won would've felt a profound sense of insignificance and weakness, unable to protect Do Hee from these tragic fates. Like he must've really hated himself.

In his pit of despair, Gu Won wished he could've saved Do Hee from her enslaved position as a kisaeng or untimely death, protected her, and married her one day. Now, those are some big wishes, and remember what I said? The bigger the wish, the larger the cost. In a twist of fate, God/Lady heard Gu Won's fervent wishes and offered Gu Won a deal. God would fulfill all of Gu Won's wishes if he agreed to work as a demon.

Sometime after this, Do Hee found out Gu Won became a demon because of her and felt immense guilt. Do Hee who was a devout Christian, prayed to God wishing Gu Won would be spared from suffering such an existence as a demon. Now, God mostly fulfilled this request by erasing Gu Won's human memories (I'm going with the Grim Reaper/oblivion tea theme here haha). Since Gu Won's inability to protect Do Hee tortured him deeply, the act of forgetting lessened his emotional pain. I say mostly because God wasn't quite done with fulfilling this request.

Just imagine being God, you would have to shuffle so many things around to fulfill both Do Hee and Gu Won's wishes. Make Do Hee rich so she's not working in a slave position...check...create a situation where the two would meet (i.e matchmaker got the hotel name wrong)...check...create a situation where the two would have to depend on each other (i.e shut off Gu Won's power on the road)...check..... make them get married..check and check.....free Gu Won from his existence as a demon...ongoing. IT'S A LOT Y'ALL.

How do you save Gu Won from a sad existence as a demon and spontaneous combustion? You turn him back into a human by introducing him to the very girl who would be capable of bringing out his humanity through her love. She's the water that extinguishes the Hellfire that is about to consume him. Gu Won freed Do Hee from being an enslaved kisaeng in the past and now she's freeing him from the shackles of his enslaved existence as a demon.

Gu Won and Do Hee are each other's salvation. One cannot survive without the other. If one is killed, the other one will be too. For example, if Do Hee dies, Gu Won would either be stuck as a demon for all of eternity or combust. And if Gu Won dies, it would leave Do Hee unprotected and she would probably get killed. It's like Do Hee said, they share the same fate and are in the same boat.

What’s Best for You is What’s Best for Me...Danger on the Horizon!

On the surface, the quote "What's best for you is what's best for me", said by Madam Ju and echoed by Gu Won may seem sweet, but upon deeper reflection, it reveals a bitter truth: what's best for you is not always what's best for me.

A brief digression: I have a suspicion that Gu Won might be a long-lost ancestor of the Ju family. Why would the writer intentionally give Gu Won similar personality traits as Madam Ju or have him repeat things she said if not to suggest there was a possible familial connection? While shared traits don't always indicate a blood relation, the repetition of the same phrases is highly suspicious. I guess one reason the writer did this was to convey that even though Madam Ju was gone, Do Hee would still have someone similar by her side. However, they could've accomplished this without having Gu Won be the male version of Madam Ju.

Another explanation for why Gu Won and Madam Ju say the same phrases could be that they crossed paths in the past. Maybe Madam Ju heard Gu Won say it or vice versa. Who knows. It would be sweet though if Gu Won were a long-lost Ju family member because then Do Hee would be related to Madam Ju through her marriage to him.

Ok, sorry for the brief tangent, it's my ADHD brain haha. Now, let's get back to discussing how what's best for you is not always what's best for me. Taking the example of the mother and her sick daughter, from the mother's perspective, signing away her soul to ensure her daughter's health might seem like the best thing to do for her daughter. Yet, it wouldn't be truly best for the mother as she would be damned to Hell. Similarly, from the daughter's POV, what's technically best for her (i.e not being sick anymore), wouldn't actually be the best, as she would be fraught with guilt knowing her mother suffered because of her.

When it comes to Do Hee and Gu Won, what's best for Do Hee is to continue investigating the deaths of her parents and Madam Ju. However, this poses a significant risk to Gu Won, who is almost fully human now and no longer invincible.

This leads me to my next point. Gu Won would stop at nothing to ensure Do Hee's happiness. He's well aware that for Do Hee to continue her investigations, she would need to remain alive and safe. For that to happen, he would need to have his powers fully working so he could protect her. What this means is that Gu Won will become a full demon again. I believe this is about to happen soon because, in Ep 8, we see God/Lady looking at the moon which is now a "waxing gibbous". If you recall from Ep 2, Park Bok Gyu hypothesized that they would have to wait until the next full moon to attempt transferring the tattoo back to Gu Won so he could be a demon again. And well, the next phase after a waxing gibbous is a full moon.

I think Gu Won isn't going to tell Do Hee about his decision to become a demon though. He's going to take Do Hee to the beach and make her think it's a romantic outing and she's not going to suspect anything because they’re in a relationship now. Then bam into the water they go! The betrayal she'll feel after Gu Won does this will be astronomical. It goes back to Madam Ju's quote about having someone on your side who, if they stabbed you in the back, you would understand. Even if Do Hee understands why Gu Won did this, it still wouldn't change the fact it would still hurt like Hell.

Would Gu Won doing this be really what's best for Do Hee? Or the both of them? Yes and no. While it would keep Do Hee alive and safe, she would be riddled with guilt knowing Gu Won sacrificed his soul and humanity to ensure she was protected. At the same time, Gu Won would become immortal again and able to protect Do Hee better, but he would no longer be able to feel love for her since demons are devoided of human emotions. Gu Won would simply view her as someone he just needs to protect to keep his end of the bargain.

Following this, I think there will be a situation where either Kwang Chul or Abraxas gets ahold of Do Hee and I think this is where Gu Won’s latest dream will come into play. To save Do Hee, Gu Won will have to kill whoever, and this will force him to break the rule that states demons can't kill. Subsequently, he'll spontaneously combust. Well, that's going to suck. Had Gu Won remained human, he could've killed whoever and not spontaneously combust. However, since he's a demon again, those consequences would apply. Don't worry y'all, I feel like Do Hee is going to wish or pray to God/Lady that she'll take pity on them and bring Gu Won back to life lol.

Abraxas..It's Still Seok Hoon

So earlier this week, I posted on Twitter how I now thought Abraxas was Seok Min or Do Gyeong based on the pillows. However, after thinking through some more things, I'm going back to saying Abraxas is Seok Hoon. That's my final answer.

Seok Hoon is a trickster/magician! He makes things "disappear" including money and people. That's why Madam Ju said in Ep 4, "You killed someone on top of all your dirty tricks?". He even suggested Do Hee let his department buy shares of her company to offset their losses which is a form of trickery since it would appear Do Hee was engaging in stock manipulation or insider trading.

The biggest trick Seok Hoon is attempting to pull on Do Hee is to make her believe he's really on her side and that he's her real guardian. Going back to Madam Ju's quote about having someone on your side means you would gladly let them stab you in the back and understand. When you trust someone completely, it means you would let them stab you in the back because at the end of the day you know they have your best interest at heart so you would understand.

Throughout this show, the writer has made it a point to emphasize how Seok Hoon is the only one on Do Hee's side. Here's the thing though, Do Hee doesn't completely trust Seok Hoon as evidenced by how she doesn't tell him everything. The same goes for Gu Won, but he's not a suspect in the death of Madam Ju.

Between the two men in the show, who do you think is the real demon and guardian? Btw, Abraxas is sometimes seen as a demon in mythology. For me, the real demon is Seok Hoon. Even though Gu Won projects an image that he's a big bad demon, he's actually an angel on the inside. In contrast, Seok Hoon projects an angelic persona, but he's really a devil on the inside. Gu Won is the real guardian who's trying to protect Do-Hee while Seok Hoon is the real demon who's trying to kill her.

One major question I had from earlier episodes was how Abraxas/Seok Hoon knew the identity of Gu Won was the Director of Sunwol Foundation before the wedding news articles came out that said as much? Furthermore, how did Seok Hoon know the Wild Dogs were looking for him? If you remember, the Wild Dogs only found out Gu Won was the Director of Sunwol and Do Hee's bodyguard after Kwang Chul passed the note revealing as much. There was no explanation of just how exactly Seok Hoon and Kwang Chul found out Gu Won was the director of Sunwol and that the Wild Dogs were looking for him. I looked through earlier eps to see if there was ever an instance where Do Hee told Seok Hoon that Gu Won was the Director of Sunwol, but there wasn't. I think Seok Hoon probably found out this bit of info from Secretary Shin. She probably mentioned it in passing to Seok Hoon because she thought Seok Hoon was Do Hee's ally.

I'm sure many of you are probably wondering how Seok Hoon can be Abraxas when we see Abraxas chilling at Seok Min's home. Well, the thing is, we haven't seen Seok Hoon's place for a reason--he doesn't have one. Due to his "hippie" lifestyle, he engages in communal living, meaning he lives with relatives. More specifically, he resides at Seok Min's home, and that's why we see him as Abraxas there. There's a strong possibility that he and Seok Min are probably working together too. Additionally, I'm ruling out Do Gyeong as being Abraxas because I think he's trying to help warn Do Hee in his own creepy way. When it comes to the pill switching of Madam Ju's medications, I suspect Se-ra may have some involvement. According to the info on SBS, Se-ra is the daughter of a leading pharma company. As someone with a background in pharma, I was like wait a minute. While I'm not sure about the rules and regulations in South Korea, in the US, diclofenac is a prescription medication. I'm just going to guess it's the same in SK. This led me to think that maybe Se-ra provided the diclofenac to Seok Hoon.

In Ep 7, Abraxas/Seok Hoon informed Kwang Chul that Gu Won was only a demon when he was around Do Hee. This revelation led the duo to believe Gu Won's access to his powers was somehow linked to his proximity to Do Hee (they just didn't know how close). To test this hypothesis, they decided to separate the two lovers so that they could eliminate Gu Won. When this plan failed, they went back to the drawing board. At this point, the duo remained unaware of the tattoo and its connection to Do Hee and Gu Won's powers because there was nothing in the book about the tattoo transferring or how to get it back. I wouldn't be surprised if the book didn't even say how the tattoo was connected to demon powers.

It was only after Seok Hoon saw Do Hee place Gu Won's hand on her wrist with the tattoo that he realized the connection between the tattoo and Gu Won's demon powers. This is going to be important further down the line.

After realizing this, Seok Hoon messaged Kwang Chul, saying, "There's something wrong with his powers." Although not explicitly shown on screen, I believe Seok Hoon knew precisely what was wrong with Gu Won's powers. He deduced Gu Won was becoming human through Do Hee's love. This is why Seok Hoon chose to tell Gu Won he was the reason why Do Hee was giving up the Chairwoman position and investigation of Madam Ju's death. Seok Hoon strategically revealed this information to Gu Won with the intention it would encourage him to pursue a relationship with Do Hee, ultimately leading to Gu Won becoming fully human through her love. If Gu Won were fully human, he wouldn't have the powers to protect Do Hee, making them both sitting ducks for slaughter.

Seok Hoon's little plan is going to backfire, though, for two main reasons: He doesn't know one can get the tattoo back and he doesn't understand the power of love. Remember, the book doesn't tell us how one gets the tattoo back. Bok Gyu and Gu Won are the only ones who know this bit of information because they figured out the conditions (i.e full moon and ocean) had to be the same as the night the tattoo was initially transferred. Furthermore, Seok Hoon doesn't know the lengths Gu Won would go to protect Do Hee. He doesn't understand that Gu Won would essentially sell his soul and humanity to protect Do Hee (Gu Won's already done it once before in past), meaning he would become a demon again to protect Do Hee.

God/Lady

I don't know about y'all, but I'm quite frankly done with God in disguise figures in fantasy dramas. It's like in every single fantasy drama, there's always a God in disguise character that gives you hints of what will happen in the form of riddles, leaving many scratching their heads to figure out what they mean. We have seen these types of characters in Goblin, Tale of the Nine-Tailed, King Eternal Monarch, Doom at Your Service, Alchemy of Souls, etc. The list is endless.

The latest God in disguise is Lady... who goes around saving "recyclables", more like saving people. Anyway, I've seen many questioning if she’s really God. Y’all if she’s wearing a hat that spells out G-O-D in bold letters and she’s always asking money for Jesus Corporation, what does that tell you??? I don’t know how much clearer it can be that she is God. Instead of questioning whether she is God or not, maybe it would be a better use of our time if we spend it trying to decipher what she says instead.

Let's get to dissecting the many things God has said. Now, I've already gone over most of the things she said from Ep 1-6 either in the previous post or on my Twitter act so I won't really discuss more here. However, the are a couple things I forgot to mention in my last post though. Here they are:

The roulette wheel has 18 odd and 18 even numbers (36 numbers total). (18) 1+8=9 and (36) 3+6=9 all correspond to Gu (9) Won. The sum of all the numbers (0-36) on the roulette wheel is "666" which I already said in the previous post is the number of the beast/devil and corresponds to Gu Won (the combination to his safe is 666). When you flip “666” it’s “999” which is an angel number that symbolizes completion and new beginnings.

In "Divine Comedy", there are 9 realms of Hell + 1 with Lucifer = 10. The same pattern is present in Purgatory and Heaven. Gu Won's soul was in Hell and now it's in the purgatory on its way towards Heaven. Demon-> Guardian. Hell-> Heaven

On a broader level, if 1= new beginning and 0= end, our couple who's represented by the number 10 symbolizes they are each other's end and beginning. They complete each other.

The bill God is holding when she's saying, "I'm betting all my money on the odd numbers", is a 1000 bill. 1000 or "cheon" means "heaven". That scene could be intrepreted as God or the heavens are betting everything on our couple to win. Also, Madam Ju's first name is Cheon which probably means she went to heaven.

The overall conclusion I'm drawing from what God said about odd numbers from eps 1-6 is that our couple will have a happy ending after they go through some shit haha.

Moving onto what God said in Eps 7-8! When Gu Won called God/Lady, "Arabica woman", my mind lit up! Does anyone see the connection? Arabica...Abraxas. Abraxas is 7 letters and Arabica is 7 letters. In some belief systems, Abraxas was viewed as God. So, Gu Won calling her "Arabica woman" could be another hint she's God. The word "Arabica" also sounds very similar to "Abracadabra" which is related to Abraxas. Just so we’re clear, I’m not implying God/Lady is the Abraxas who’s trying to kill Gu Won and Do Hee. Seok Hoon is a wannabe Abraxas while God/Lady is the real Abraxas haha.

I also found it hilarious that God was constantly begging for donations for Jesus Corporation. It made me think about that time Madam Ju said she bribed God through donations after Do Hee said liars can't go to Heaven. Guess Madam Ju bribed God enough to earn a spot in Heaven.

When God says she knows this place like the back of her hand, she doesn't mean the train station, she means the whole world...because you know, God is omnipresent. God then tells them, they've intruded on her "turf" which means they've intruded on her domain.

What's her domain? Matters of life, death, natural disasters, fate, making people fall in love, etc. This was why Gu Won's powers would fail at the most random times or rather not-so-random times. God already has a grand plan for these two and she's keeping up her end of the bargain of the contract she made with them in the past (refer to "What Landed Gu Won in Hell? Love" section). However, these two would interrupt her work so she would shut off Gu Won's powers so that they follow the predetermined path she has planned for them.

Gu Won's power failed in Ep 1 because God was creating a situation where they would depend on each other, get to know each other, fall in love, etc. In the latest power failure, God turned off Gu Won's powers to prevent them from escaping so they could kiss each other. Consider this scenario: If God hadn't prevented them from escaping, what would've happened? They wouldn't have kissed. That kiss set the wheels in motion for the romance between Gu Won and Do Hee. God was just giving them a nudge in the right direction.

The next time Gu Won experienced another power failure was later in Ep 7 when he and Do Hee were attempting to leave Sunwol Foundation. Once again, we should question why God didn't want them to leave at that particular moment. Remember, because Gu Won and Do Hee were unable to leave precisely at that time, they encountered the Wild Dogs, who then proceeded to pledged their allegiance to Gu Won. Based on Ep 9 preview, it appears the Wild Dogs will play a crucial role in finding Kwang Chul.

As Gu Won and Do Hee were leaving, we saw God telling them, "What flickers would eventually go out sooner or later". Many interpreted this scene as God saying Gu Won's powers would eventually go out. Well, duh. I interpreted this scene a bit differently because I noticed God was looking at the clock that was flickering and pointing at 1.

What does 1 symbolize in numerology? New beginning. My interpretation was that she was saying Gu Won's life as a demon along with his powers was coming to an end and that he was about to begin a new life as a human.

Gu Won should really be nicer to God lol. Look at what happened to the Prince from Beauty and the Beast after he wasn't nice to the old beggar lady...she turned him into a beast. Ohhh now I get it....Gu Won needs to learn to love or he'll remain a beast forever aka he'll remain a devil/demon forever haha (666=beast=devil).

Later in the episode, one guy advises the other to let it go and blame it on fate. This refers to an earlier scene where Gu Won was blaming Do Hee (Fate) for losing his powers. God's message is clear--Gu Won shouldn't be blaming Do Hee for his current state; rather, he should be blaming himself. After all, it's not her fault that he's falling in love with her and becoming human. Moreover, there's the possibility that becoming human was one of Gu Won's original wishes in the contract he signed with God.

In Ep 8, we don't see much of God except in the beginning. Many interpreted what God said in the following scene as meaning Do Hee had special powers that allowed her to heal Gu Won. However, I don't believe she possesses any supernatural abilities. Instead, I think she saved him through the power of love, and, perhaps prayers. If you look at the end of Ep 7, you'll notice Do Hee's hands were in a prayer position right before they zoomed in on the cross tattoo. Do Hee likely wished and prayed for Gu Won's salvation, and God granted it.

Regarding the second thing God said, I believe she was referring to the moment when Do Hee was trying to save Gu Won. Seok Hoon witnessed Do Hee placing Gu Won's hand on her wrist, setting off a chain of events that would eventually threaten her life (refer to "Abraxas...It's Still Seok Hoon" section).

Tarot

Whew! We are almost near the end of this post! There wasn't really anything of significance in terms of tarot in this week's episodes. One thing I found interesting was that the social influencer had asked Gu Won if he was a magician. For those who don't know, the 1st tarot card is "The Magician". You can make multiple connections between that, the number 1, and Gu Won, but since I'm tired of writing, I won't be further elaborating on it. I think we'll see a situation in the future where everyone really thinks Gu Won is dead, but he'll show up very unexpectedly and say "Abracadabra, I'm back!".

One last thing I found interesting was the tarot card pulled by Jung Mi in Ep 8. She had pulled the 19th tarot card, which is the Sun. This card usually indicates success, good fortune, happiness, etc. Also, 1+9=10 and Yi Sun...Sun haha. I think this card conveys the same message that everything will be okay after we go through some Hell.

I bet you all that we'll be seeing the following tarot cards in future eps: #1 The Magician, #8 Strength, #11 Justice, #12 The Hanged Man, #13 Death, #16 The Tower, #18 The Moon, and #21 The World!

Other Random Thoughts

Gu Won and Do Hee's red and green didn't refer to Christmas or Battery Charge Status. They referred to the colors on the roulette wheel. There is only one green space on a typical roulette wheel and it corresponds to the number 0. Number 1 is usually red. So 1...0....10 and 1+0=1 completion. Also, odd numbers are usually red and even numbers are black. Oh, I get why Do Hee was wearing a red dress and Gu Won was wearing a black suit now haha.

What determines if one remembers their past lives or not? Why is Park Bok Gyu the only one who remembers his past lives? Will Do Hee ever remember her past lives?

I can't believe Park Bok Gyu compared Gu Won to being a meat eater who ended up becoming a vegetarian because he met a very special pig (Do Hee) that he didn't want to eat haha.

With Madam Ju, is she suppose to be a spirit in limbo or is Do Hee schizophrenic? In Ep 8, it almost feels like she’s a real ghost bc we see her tapping her cane in hesitation after Do Hee said she didn’t know who killed Madam Ju and her parents.

I hope the Wild Dogs or Park Bok Gyu will find the bug underneath Gu Won’s desk when they’re cleaning haha. Did Seok Hoon put bugs in Do Hee’s place?!!

Was Gu Won a prince when he was human?

Do Hee’s birthday is Oct 29 (look at her phone in ep 1) which means she is a scorpio. On the SBS site, it tells about the story of the frog and scorpion. In the story, the scorpion stings the frog who’s carrying it across the river. They both end up dying and the scorpion is basically like oops it’s just in my nature to. Also, on the lovers tarot card (Rider Waite deck), there is a snake which equates to the 8th zodiac sign…scorpio! The other zodiac sign on the lovers tarot card is a lion which means Leo (5th zodiac sign). I guess Gu Won’s zodiac sign is Leo. This would also explain why he likes those lion bookends haha. Oh and lions are considered “apex predators” haha. Leo’s element is fire and Scorpio is water….hahaha Fire and Water…Gu Won and Do Hee. In most tarot decks, the 8th tarot card is justice. In the Rider Waite deck, the 8th card is strength which shows a lion.

The kiss scene with the garden backdrop looks like the lovers tarot card where Adam and Eve are in the garden of Eden. I can totally see people start making theories about how Do Hee is Eve and Gu Won is Adam after reading this post 🤣. And talk about “original sin” and “forbidden fruit”. Good luck haha.

Number 15 is associated with the devil tarot card as well as the full moon (the full moon comes 15 days after the new moon).

One other theory I had for Gu Won and Do Hee was that in the past, they were in so love that it became detrimental to everyone around them. Gu Won was a rule breaker and instead of doing whatever job he was suppose to do (I.e work as a government official), he was always going around “flower watching” aka hanging out with Do Hee. Him and Do Hee forgot about their responsibilities so God punished them. Gu Won’s punishment was to be turned into a demon so he could learn to follow the rules (Gu Won did say the demon manual was a book filled with many threats haha). For Do Hee, maybe her punishment was to always be alone, meaning she would always lose those closest to her. I feel this theory is just meh haha. The other theory aligns more with the many themes in the show than this one. I would be surprised if the writer goes this route haha.

END

Overall, I don't think we'll have a sad ending. I'll definitely let y'all know if I see anything in future eps that would indicate otherwise! I hope in this week's eps, we'll get to see what actually happened in Gu Won and Do Hee's past! I'm dying to know the circumstances that led to Gu Won's transformation into a demon! Alright, that's all I have for now!

#my demon #gu won #do do hee #do dohee #jeong gu won #kim yoojung #song kang #tarot cards #there are probably grammatical mistakes #oops I sound repetitive

[medievalcat]

I was going to joke that I always think its funny when people are like "Angelina wouldn't want Hoffman to kill any people ever :(" bc like how do we know that, we unfortunately barely know anything about her but also why would she care if someone like Ivan or the abusive guy at the school died, or yknow the guy who literally killed her, fuck knows none of us do lol. BUT it got me thinking about how...kind of the point of her inclusion in the story is a commentary on society and the legal system's endemic violence against women. Women are killed by partners so much that people just don't even think about it and the law often does nothing at all or enables it or is a part of it. Angelina's death in the story is essentially considered a minor crime that her killer pretty much gets away with legally. Seth Baxter when in his trap even claims he accidentally killed her, a classic tactic used by many men who actually do murder their wives and girlfriends. Angelina was considered an acceptable loss, a forgettable statistic, even before she was killed. She was only in the headlines because she was related to a local detective. The law was never on her side.

In retrospect, when we learn about all this, the horror of Saw IV isn't simply "wait the detective was the killer all along!" Because we see that the trafficker is known to be exploiting young girls- but that these young girls are not evidently considered a priority to help by the law (the fact that the trafficker is a woman doesn't "disprove" that what she did is violence against women). We see that the rapist operates in a motel where there are undoubtedly many witnesses who clearly have not done anything to stop him or to help his victims. We see that the wife-beating child abuser is accosted by Rigg and Hoffman but the abuser's word is backed up and he is protected, and that even the abuser's wife, a victim herself, is too afraid to do anything but support him even though he is hurting a child- reflecting how many women are silent because they know they will not believed. The horror is that with the way the legal system works Hoffman can do more to help abused women as a serial killer than he ever did as a detective.

But then, of course, Hoffman wouldn't have been the serial killer he became if he hadn't been a detective first, and the fact that he was a detective was something utilized by him and John in their endeavors. And even if he saved lives of vulnerable women and girls like his sister by getting rid of Seth Baxter and those people in IV, he still helped John do the same thing those people did to other women- and then did the same thing on his own. With these similar systems, there are similar results. We remember John sent Addison to her torture and death for being a sex worker, with Hoffman's help, further comparing and illuminating the similarities between John's work and the legal system. We see that Hoffman's resentment of Amanda (based in her similarities to Angelina, even their names point this out) that led to him orchestrating her death may have been met with disapproval by John, but was ultimately enabled by his actions, because John thought further torturing Amanda for her trauma, addiction, and self harm was not only correct but helpful. Maybe Hoffman thought he really was "helping" Sidney by putting her in the trap that enabled her to kill her abusive boyfriend, maybe he really did think this was a way of doing what he couldn't do for his sister. But ultimately, if he did help anyone, he did much more harm. Ultimately, Amanda was right. It's all bullshit- the Jigsaw ideology doesn't "save" anyone, just perpetuates the cycle.

#and this is why i think a. we needed more of angelina in the series and #b. hoffman is one of those Male Characters Who Would Have Worked Better For Me As A Woman #i say things #angelina acomb #mark hoffman #wish ppl talked more about angelina shes so underrated to me #also this is why i ??? when people are like 'brenda was tested for being a sw' that is not what happened there #that is what happened to addison though

[hey-kae]

Off-track

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x driver!female reader

Request: Heeey! I love the way you write and i have a little request. Idk I just thought about it :)). Charles and reader they meet at a traffic light or in traffic, and they just agree to race a little when the light turns green. Thank you💖

Warning: a lot of cursing.

a/n: so i made the reader into a driver because i couldn’t think of any other context tbh. I’m sorry if that is annoying to anyone😅 Please be responsible drivers and don’t do dangerous things such as street racing irl!!

The rage inside you after you had crossed the finish line could enable you to tear down a full, mighty building with your plain, bare hands.

P2 couldn't have meant any less, not when the win was snatched right out of your grasp just two laps before the end of the race.

Charles fucking Leclerc.

You could've literally killed him as you got out of the cockpit in parc-fermé but you desperately wanted to do it when you watched the red Ferrari fly past your car on track.

"Irrational reactions cost too much." Your team principal had warned you when he saw how furious you were and how you were glaring at Charles' back in the cooldown room.

Admitting it felt like a defeat, but he was right. So you sucked it up, got on the podium, drank some champagne and faked some smiles then left without any further words to anyone.

Like a lot of F1 drivers, you chose to live in Monaco. You were oblivious to why each different driver chose to live there but you did purely because you loved its atmosphere. It felt like the holy grail of Formula 1 and sport cars and you were more than there for it. You loved it.

Therefore, flying home was always something you looked forward to, what explained the slightly better mood you were on when you boarded the plane after the race, your trophy in hand. You just went home and slept the exhaustion off, only waking up in the evening when your friend called you repeatedly, practically begging you to show up at a party just a few minutes away.

Having turned down way too many invites in the last few weeks, you agreed and got dressed in a black dress but ditched the heels for something comfier.

It was a few minutes before you were out the door and in your car, your pride and joy.

Deciding that you weren't in the mood for trafic and just wanted to speed down the road, you took a backroad. Sure, it wasn't deserted but it had way fewer cars than the main road. You smiled and let down the car windows, allowing the wind to breeze in as your foot pressed down on the gas pedal, the smooth sound of the engine being enough to calm you down after so much anger.

You were so relaxed as you took your time driving to your friends until you reached a red light. You stopped the car and looked out of your window towards the beautiful scenery of the night sky blending in with the dark sea, both of them littered with small sparkles, stars and boats. It was breathtaking until your view got obstructed by a car pulling up beside you. A fucking Ferrari Pista 488 Spyder. That matte black one everyone in the whole country of Monaco knew.

"You're fucking shitting me right now." You cussed under your breath, both your hands now fisting your steering wheel as you averted your attention to the street in front of you, trying to ignore the asshole who stole your win just a few hours ago.

Sure, the two of you were friendly but he was your rival and it was past half the season and the points were too close for comfort so the tension between you two was through the roof.

Charles noticed you right away. After all, your car was just as famous as his among people. For some reason, when he saw you mutter and turn away from him, he decided he wanted your attention. Smirking, he started loudly revving up the car while keeping it in its spot next to yours. He kept doing that, his engine sounding louder by the second until you felt yourself going insane.

"What?" You snapped you head in his direction and shouted at him.

It made your blood boil when he stopped his act and laughed.

"Race me. Get your revenge, babe."

"Fuck off, Leclerc." You looked away.

"What? You're obviously still mad i overtook you, so race me."

"You want me to race you? Fine."

You didn't even wait to see his reaction, you just stepped hard on the gas and the car shot down the street, taking Charles by surprise.

In your rear view mirror, you could see him hot on your tail, actually trying to catch up to you and somehow, despite you starting before him, he was close to passing you.

It was barely any time before he shot past you, honking at you as he did so. It enraged you.

In a matter of seconds, traction control was off and the car was switched on race mode. You foot was pushing the gas pedal down to the floor, your face twisted with anger. You were determined to overtake him.

"Over my fucking dead body, Leclerc." You said to yourself as you watched his car become closer as you accelerated, eventually becoming parallel to yours and he was fucking smiling.

It made you push the car to its limits and soon enough, you flew past him, quickly putting a decent distance between the two of you.

That's when it sunk in, what madness you were engaging in. Your manager would be furious and you wouldn't hear the end of it if everyone found out about this.

"Shit, what am i doing?" you kept repeating as you pulled up on the side of the road, taking in how unprofessional and unsafe that was.

Charles' cars pulled up behind yours and he got out quickly.

"I was joking but you won, i guess. Hope that did it for you but what the fuck has gotten into you? I thought we were good." He bent down and leaned on your window.

"Shut up."

"Alright, alright. I hope you remind yourself that it's racing and i will do anything to win just like you would."

"You fucking pushed me off track, Leclerc so don't hit me with that racing bullshit." You opened your door and got out, pushing him away in the process.

"It's not my fucking fault that you have no regard to track limits!"

"Oh, please. You knew exactly what you were doing!"

"Alright, whatever. Enjoy your night, princess." He waved you off and walked away.

This wasn't good. The PR team would hate you if they found out you initiated an off-track rivalry with Charles so you sighed and called for him.

"Charles..."

He heard you. You knew he heard you but ignored you.

"Charles... I'm sorry."

Yeah, that did the trick. He stopped walking and quickly turned to look at you at the sound of those words.

"You're what?"

"I'm sorry. Our teams will hate us if we start a fight."

"Oh, that's why you're sorry. Our teams. Okay, yeah. We're good. Bye." He curtly nodded and continued his way to open his car door.

You stormed toward him.

"Why else would i be sorry, Charles?"

"I don't know... Maybe human decency, or wanting to keeping whatever friendship we have." He shrugged and tossed his phone onto the driver's seat of his car, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You're my rival."

"So?"

"So it's basically impossible to be friends!"

"Okay, i'll talk to you in a few months then." He got into his car and drove off.

Your stared at the back of his car until it disappeared out of sight, questioning what the hell he wanted. He left you dumbfounded because you never thought he'd want to be friends with you but you were even more weirded out that you were now looking forward for the season to end. Frowning, you shook that idea out of your mind, not believing you even thought of things that way, got back into your car and drove off to the party, your thoughts still about the monégasque.

Guess you'll have to wait a few months to see what he wanted.

#charles leclerc imagines #f1 x reader #f1 imagines #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x you #charles leclerc one shot #charles leclerc oneshots #f1 oneshots #charles leclerc drabble #charles leclerc blurb #f1 imagine #charles leclerc imagine #f1 x you #f1 one shot #f1 fics

[innerchorus]

Gurgin for the ask game, pick and choose whatever numbers you want! It's a free-for-all! :D

I probably am gonna ask you about Shapur, Isfan, and Kubard later too because of course I am

I said I wanted to answer every question for him and I wasn't lying. Thank you for enabling me! (Ask game post is here, for anyone else who wants to send something in / reblog it themselves. I have a few others to answer already which I'll get too asap now this post is done, but feel free to send in more!).

My first impression of them

Just one of a handful of evil masked guys. Best mask design by a long way, though.

2. When I think I truly started to like them (or dislike them, if you've sent me a character I don't like)

I first got curious about him when I read about his backstory and found out about his shared past with Farangis. Honestly I'm not quite sure how I got to the point where I love him as fiercely as I do now, but I know I started shipping him with Zandeh after seeing art by @strangeshipper and it built from there. I don't know. I just find him really interesting.

3. A song that reminds me of them

I know I've mentioned You Are The Blood by Sufjan Stevens before, but also Don't Worry, We'll Be Watching You by Gotye (POV: you are being recruited by Team Zahhak).

4. How many people I ship them with

Always with Zandeh. OTP status for sure. I have considered other stuff (such as the Zandeh/Gurgin/Parizad OT3) though. And Hilmes/Gurgin in Mage Hunt AU. And if anyone wants to suggest other ships for him, I'm listening.

5. My favorite ship of them

Zandeh/Gurgin, obvious answer is obvious.

6. My least favorite ship of them

I don't know whether anyone actually ships it but Gurgin/the Master.

I won't lie, it's crossed my mind, but my headcanon is primarily that although the Master was once interested in stuff like that he's been alive for so long that he doesn't really have those sorts of urges any more (overlaps a bit with my thoughts on how the type of magic that Team Zahhak use might affect sexual desire, I don't think I've directly mentioned that before but the basic concept is that it can warp it from its baseline just as it warps their bodies, and results vary from person to person, but it's quite common for it to be either dulled or switched off completely and kind of goes hand in hand with the headcanon that their magic renders them sterile).

Gurgin in Sacrifice AU falls into that category, he doesn't completely lack interest but his focus is dominated by his work for Team Zahhak and by the time the AU picks up his story afterwards he's also underweight and depressed so his sex drive is basically 0. And then he meets Zandeh, and gets better, and realises what it's like to want someone so badly you can't think of anything else, lmao

(My headcanons for Gurgin vary a bit in this respect depending on the AU, though. There's probably an AU out there where his desire never returns or he never had any in the first place but even in that case I still see him and Zandeh as life partners and feel they'd work it out somehow.)

7. A quote of them that you remember

What he says when he's rallying his comrades at the end of Book 7 after their Master is (temporarily...) killed: "Let those who do not respect the Snake King Zahhak boast of their victory! Three years, just three years is enough. At that time, they will fall from the peak of joy to the bottom of the valley of despair. The higher they climb, the further they fall!"

It's primarily the last line that sticks in my mind. If I ever make the Gurgin playlist that I daydream about so often, I'd definitely title it 'The Further They Fall'. Anyway, that's actually the last line of dialogue from the final scene of Book 7 (the last book before the timeskip). A very ominous way for it to end, right?

8. Your favorite outfit of them

He has One Outfit. (He would've worn something different when he was a trainee priest, but there's no description of it. A manga flashback to that time feels much less likely now, but you never know, maybe Arakawa will decide to reveal a little of Farangis's backstory before the end… my one hope…)

9. Your least favorite outfit of them

One Outfit, and I love it so no complaints. But I wish Arakawa had planned to adapt the second half so I could see him getting drenched by the rain in Soleimaniye.

10. Describe the character in one sentence

My blorbo who did lots of things wrong.

11. What’s the first thing you think about when thinking about the character?

Huh, this question made me realise that in the mental picture of Gurgin that first pops up when I think of him, he's not wearing his mask. His hood is up, though, and he's in Team Zahhak black. Maybe it's because I've been thinking about the Magical Healing AU more recently, where his appearance is often like this.

12. Sexuality hc!

He doesn't waste much time thinking about it, but he's mainly into men. However, I do headcanon that he had a crush on Farangis when he was young.

13. Your favorite friendship they have

This question makes me sad because I don't see him as someone who's ever had many friends. I don't think his peers at the temple liked him that much (though honestly I think he probably felt quite indifferent about this). There were a handful of other trainees he spent time with, but his closest friends were probably his brother and Farangis. There's certainly no real evidence of friendship between any of the Team Zahhak disciples.

He deserves more than having one-sided conversations with winged apes! Was that mainly for exposition purposes in canon? Perhaps, but it's also a result of a lack of human contact — the novel makes it clear that the mages feel loneliness as their numbers dwindle, and at that point Gurgin is operating alone and hasn't heard from his remaining comrades for a while.

(He absolutely does talk to Hamkar from time to time in Sacrifice AU before Zandeh arrives on the scene, too.)

14. Best storyline they had

Is there anything about his canon trajectory that I really wanna label 'best' lmao? I mean, I wish things had turned out different for him but I do find his loss of faith / corruption arc interesting. Though that's because I also love to think about a future for him where that all gets reversed.

15. Worst storyline they had

His involvement with what went down in Oxus, probably. Oof.

16. A childhood headcanon

You know, I haven't spent much time thinking about what his childhood was like (aside from Mage Hunt AU specifics that differ from whatever a general /baseline headcanon would be). I guess the only thing I feel certain of is that he and his brother had no other siblings, and whatever region they grew up in didn't have much to offer in terms of creating a better life for themselves, and that's why they ended up at the Temple of Mithra in Khuzestan. (Tentative headcanon is that he grew up in / near the Nimruz mountains.)

Aghriras entered the priesthood because of ambition, and that reasoning makes sense for Gurgin, too (they're azat, freeborn commoners aka the lowest social class above slaves, and if they want to climb above the few opportunities that affords to them then it's either joining the priesthood or proving their merit on the battlefield) but I do think that to a certain extent Gurgin followed his brother.

lmao I can feel a backstory headcanon forming even as I type this.. like, what if their father died or left them when they were young (Gurgin probably doesn't remember him much) and they were raised by their mother, who wanted them to have a better life than she had? She wouldn't have wanted them to face the horrors of war, so she encouraged them to work hard on their education so that they could find their place in the priesthood. Perhaps she, too, had passed away by the time they left for the temple, so at that point they only had each other. I feel like Gurgin didn't have any close family after his brother died.

Oh no Gurgin, are you desperate for recognition from your Master because you never had a father figure? Fuck.

17. What do you think their first word was?

Eh, probably some variation of 'brother' or 'mother' (with the headcanon above). I feel like most first words are… not that interesting.

18. How do you think they were as a kid? (Like, were they shy, noisy, wild, etc)

Curious and intelligent! Asked a lot of questions. Easily frustrated when things didn't go his way. I imagine at school he had trouble making friends as he both sought approval from his teachers and thought himself superior to others who were not as clever as him, plus he could be impatient with others. (He was, in general, a bit better about all of this at the time he joined the priesthood, but when he's with Team Zahhak all those negative traits are brought to the fore.)

19. The most random ship you've seen people have with them

Well, I'm not sure this really counts but sometimes I'll ask my boyfriend really weird ArSen questions out of the blue, and recently I asked him "give me a Gurgin ship" and usually when it's something like that he'll try and pick something at random that he thinks I won't like… He said Gurgin/Farangis.

(No, he didn't remember that they knew each other. And I can't think of a way this would work but it sure gave me a whirlwind of feelings to think about. The thought of something happening between them because of shared grief, years after they last saw each other? It's so angsty and messy. If something did happen I think Gurgin would feel immensely guilty for it, but I'm not sure about Farangis. I feel like she might be able to compartmentalise it as something that happened that shouldn't have done, and move on. She'd handle it better than Gurgin, at any rate.)

Wait, my Hilmes/Gurgin ship is pretty random I suppose? Think of that as an alternate answer. Zandeh/Gurgin probably qualifies too given that they don't ever meet in canon, but I can't see it that way now, not after spending so much time thinking about them together.

I've also had very vague thoughts of yeeting Gurgin back into the past, but would I ship him with anyone in that circumstance? Eh, not sure.

20. A weird headcanon

I'm sure I have many! The 'he likes hot baths' headcanon is a pretty random one that came from 1. reading that the real Mount Damavand has some pretty nice hot springs near it (which in ArSen verse are probably disgusting bubbling sulphurous poison mud pits but whatever), and 2. the fact that he probably had a bad time during the flooding of the Dark Temple and it amuses me to imagine him enjoying water in a different context? I just want to let him relax from time to time? He works hard, he deserves it.

I want to write a bath scene for him in Interlude (Magical Healing AU). Or I keep thinking about a comedy scene of him at one of Ecbatana's bath houses with a gaggle of bird-faced beasts for company, because it amuses me.

Here's another headcanon: he's pretty bad at archery. It was taught at the temple, but it didn't interest him much and he wasn't that motivated to work on his skills, even though Farangis tried to instruct him. As far as weapons go, later on he uses a Team Zahhak-typical knife, which he wears strapped to a thigh like Farangis. (He still has it in Sacrifice AU! Chekhov's Snake Knife lmao.)

21. When do you think they were at their happiest?

When he was at the temple with Farangis and his brother, before things went wrong. Other than that, he was pretty fucking ecstatic in Book 16 when the Master said that he would be his successor (disregarding the fact that it's because there is literally nobody else left at that point lmao). I'm not sure I believe the Master was ever planning on stepping aside, but whatever.

22. When do you think they were at their lowest?

After his brother's death.

23. Future headcanon

The whole of Sacrifice AU, I guess. Just anything where he makes it out of Team Zahhak and tries to lead a different life.

24. What do you think is a secret they have that they never told anyone?

I love this question. I wouldn't necessarily know the answer for every character but I do have a headcanon for this for Gurgin, and that is that no matter how vehemently he protested his brother's innocence, a small part of him wondered whether Aghriras really had done it. I don't think he'd ever admit that to anyone (except perhaps to Zandeh in Mage Hunt AU, where Gurgin's backstory adjustment gives him very good reason to hope that Aghriras had killed that particular person). The fact that Aghriras's innocence was later proven only makes it much worse.

25. When do you think they acted the most ooc

I don't think any of his canon scenes are OOC? Is that what this question is asking? I may not like what he does, but none of it feels unbelievable.

26. When do you think they were being "themselves" the most?

Maybe I'm picking this just because it's before he went down a dark path, but I think the conversations he used to have with his brother back when they were at the temple are pretty typical of his true self. The little flashback conversation we get in particular gives the impression of someone who's curious about stuff he maybe shouldn't be, and is attracted to power, but it also shows that he was willing to listen to his brother's guidance. I don't think he'd have ended up with Team Zahhak if his brother had lived.

Otherwise, his Book 16 decisions that get him killed are unfortunately also peak Gurgin, at least in his Team Zahhak era.

27. If they could meet a character from another show/movie/etc, who would be the most fun for them to meet?

Either (or both) of the Devil Forgemasters from Castlevania, 100%.

28. The most unnecessary thing they ever did?

Killing the dog at the temple. Or lashing out and cutting off the hind legs of a winged ape (a creature that is on his side, and under his command!) when his plans started to go wrong in Book 13.

29. How do you think they would be as a parent? (and if they are a parent, how do you think they would be if they weren't?)

Honestly, not great but not as bad as he might think. But it's not something he wants. Thoughts of having a family aren't really on his mind (except for AU instances where he's worried it's something Zandeh might want that he won't be able to provide).

30. The funniest scene they had?

Okay, Gurgin's not actually present in this scene but it's hilarious to me so I'm choosing it: after the winged ape attack on Soleimaniye in Book 13 was thwarted, Kubard and Narsus are discussing what happened. They don't know that Gurgin was the one in charge, but Narsus's opinion is that it couldn't have been Ilterish (the usual commander of the demon army) because Ilterish would've done a better job, lmao. Sorry Gurgin but your inexperience is showing.

Anyway, that's the end of the questions! Not sure how many people are interested enough in Gurgin to make it this far, but like... if anyone does want to talk about Gurgin with me... my inbox is always open...

#arslan senki #the heroic legend of arslan #gurgin #if farangis can have a sexy thigh knife then so can he #this post took me ages to write #i went on... so many tangents... #the irresistable urge to keep talking about my blorbo

[undercat-overdog]

Still answering questions to the Friday Night Fun thing? If yes, then 6, 8, 10, 11.

Answering five weeks late, but yes! Thanks for the ask, and I hope you see the answer.

6. What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

I don't know, sorry! I don't think anything I come up with is particularly angsty (Lulu is shaking her head at me right now.) Maybe because I can always imagine a happy or happy-ish ending.

8. Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

Some here, here, and here. I've talked about lifetime movie sex (it has roses!) before, which I definitely want to finish. One day.

Also a continuation to the Atar verse, in which Galadriel brings Halbrand to Eregion, convinced he's Sauron (he's not in this). The real Sauron is tied up in the corner (being Gil-daddy's baby and all - this story would be smut) and steaming. Probably starts talking about how he knew Sauron in Almaren and Halbrand's not Sauron, not nearly hot or smart enough, SNL Kylo Ren Undercover Boss style ("I heard the real Sauron had an eight pack"), till Gil shoves a pacifier in his mouth. Would also include something about the tRoP Adar. So many imposters, poor Sauron!!!

On the gen-ish side, a story in my head that's known by the very boring name of Sad Celebrimbor Fic, which would be a prequel to Bones in which Celebrimbor is sad and moping in Valinor after his rebirth. Some worldbuilding, Celebrimbor meeting relatives, getting in catty academic fights, and discovering Aman's romance publishing industry, writing some of his own (thinly veiled expies; he refuses to acknowledge this). Sauron would be very present but never mentioned by name or explicit acknowledgement until the very last few sentences, when Celebrimbor thinks his name, curls his lips, and leaves for brunch and daydrinking.

10. Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

Answered here and here, and tropes are difficult for me to think of so I don't have further answers lol. Sorry!

11. Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

Also answered here, but I am nothing if not a hater! I mentioned found family in that ask, but I'll expand on that more because the way it's written in fanfic (pan-fandom) often makes me genuinely uncomfortable - so often toxic or outright abusive behaviors are presented as healthy and desirable. I'm all in favor of toxic behaviors by characters in fanfic, but I like the author to know it, you know? I have some thoughts about how this manifests in this fandom in particular, but won't go into them in the interest of not being too negative or verbose (this post is long enough!) - hit me up in private if you want thoughts (throwaway account fine! I have tumblr dms open to all, though I can't promise I'll respond immediately because I don't check tumblr daily and am gone from it for several day or week periods at times).

Actually, on the last bit, I have anon asks enabled and I'm so sorry that if anyone without a tumblr account wants to communicate with me privately they no longer can through that. But if you do have an account, even if you don't use it, anon is cool!

#ask #anonymous

[creativebrainrot]

I lived.

ive been through so much shit in this house and finally, i can trust and know, that theres an end. That in the very first week of November my new life can begin. the one i thought id always have from the time i was young. when i was a kid i thought id grow up to become educated, go to college, move out around 22-25 and have a Normal Life. i never did. instead i got to wonder why all the media i saw told me that fathers would do anything for their kids- especially "their little girls" which at the time, i was. i had to wonder why after any little convo with my father i wanted to cry in the shower- why so many times i DID cry in the shower afterwards. I didnt question all the times I cried myself to sleep. all the times i had to fight off thoughts of self hate and "i wish i was dead" "id be better off dead, no one would miss me," I was a child. I didnt think anything was wrong until i did question why id never heard anyone else talk about that, about wanting to cry after every conversation you had with your father. I knew i never felt like he loved me, like he wanted me. I knew he felt like an estranged neighbor that i lived with for some reason, instead of feeling like my father. I never trusted him. i never felt at home in this house. I never had friends in real life. the one kid my age i did meet, moved away a few months later. the other kids were not my age, and troubled, and connected to my abusive father's friends. so i was isolated and homeschooled.

my dad would take me to the park routinely incase i did ever get the chance to make friends there but it never happened.

homeschooling was also my dads idea and i do think it was the better choice for me personally because of where we live (i would've likely been bullied to no end and that plus the at home abuse wouldve broken me i think.) but it did enable my father to isolate me further. he isolated my dad too. the social anxiety just last year i felt about saying ANYTHING, the way i was trained to hyperanalyze EVERYTHING that i said, the FEAR and ANXIETY i felt whenever i thought of a way my words could be twisted into something malicious, the ways my words could be twisted into something i wasnt saying. my dad and i both felt like that for YEARS. we've always lived in the middle of fucking no where. i cant walk to a mall. i cant walk to the grocery store. we have no public transport. its so christian out here that early on my dad (who is perceived as a middle aged housewife here) wouldve been told to stay with my father or somewhat ostracized for divorcing him- even without being involved in any church congregation here. the social pressure, the physical isolation, the mental abuse that ruined our selfconfidence, the second guessing ourselves, all of it.

If I told you of one single incident you would think a single prick of a needle's point had driven me mad.

Because to describe the sheer amount of needle pinpricks before that is hard to describe, difficult to convey the gravity of every little pinprick over the two decades i had to live with my father and his abuse.

he got worse right before he left, in my dad's eyes, but- and this may be stupid of me, i didnt feel like that. he was always pathetic, to me. He was stupid and impulsive but he was dangerous and he is the only person that ever made me feel Bleak. Truly, genuinely, sincerely bleak. for the first few months of 2019, i felt nothing. i was numb. resigned. i believed there was no good ending, that this house and that abuse was all i would ever know. there was no use fighting or feeling. it would change nothing.

to some extent i still havent truly realized deep down that im, free. im free now. im an adult now. no one will ever make me powerless again. i wont fall for any of this abuse in the future. i have friends now. i once believed i was truly unlovable and that no one would bat an eye if i disappeared. that i was not worth noting. i still struggle with thoughts of being "replaceable." but now, i know people who care. i have independence now. once im out of this shithole state my dad and i can seek trans health care- fuck, we can HAVE HEALTHCARE at all.

I don't miss my father. I hate that i still love him, somehow. he was the only one who ever made me want to kill myself. he was always the sole reason for the mountains of distress i felt. Im glad he never got to know I was queer.

what kept me going for so long was my childhood cat and music, and my dad. I lost my childhood cat BK this year, and it still hurts. But in my heart shes still here, somehow. I want to find a kitten with her sweet little eyes, when we're settled into the new living situation. BTS's music in particular always made me feel better, I still listen to them.

this house was a fixer-upper in the first place. it became a money sink over the years of neglect. my father promised to fix so many things but instead he trashed the place. i have never slept in a bedroom I loved. i have never had a real dresser. i havent had a furnished dining room since i was 7 or so. i havent been able to stay lucid in this house because its just so trashed already that apathy is a must or else i get more depressed. i try, i really do try to clean when i can. but this house is beyond repair for myself and my dad at this point. even if we wanted to fix it we cant. we have no money for all the tlc it needs at this point. moving is the only option.

I miss caring. I miss caring about my surroundings. Caring about myself. Caring about my dad. I miss feeling each day. We were doing so well before the car broke down.

deep in my heart I wish i could ask my father "why" but I know that no answer would satisfy me. Nothing can explain "why," that I haven't already known by now, yet my heart yearns with that question anyway. "Why?"

and now we're only a week away from knowing the life we had always wanted and dreamed of. we tasted that life just a few months ago, for a year or two and it was lovely. It can only get better from here. I spent ages hanging on to a THREAD of hope. for my dad. I never wanted him to be the one to find the aftermath, i couldnt do that to him. and deep down i wanted, so desperately, for it to get better. Im so glad I hung on long enough to be rewarded. it was hard. I had to fight to see tomorrow, to not give up, to not abandon hope. It was so fucking hard, and I dont regret a second of it.

The list of my and my dad's abuse at the hands of my father when he was living with us, and still alive, is long. But the list of our progress, our hopes and our plans, our dreams, our triumphs, is so much longer.

I lived. I lived to see a new dawn and finally know the life child me always thought we would end up having. We're free, and im so happy, finally.

#open journal #open journalling #rotthoughts #creativelyrottedmind #personal #parental abuse #abuse #suicide mention #tw suicide

[lugenacht]

If you are someone highly depressed, easy to have anxiety and panic attacks, extremely suicidal, and who overalls uses social media as a way to unwind/escape from reality and simply cannot talk about the genocide because it triggers your will to not live anymore, you are perfectly valid to not do so and NO ONE is allowed to guilt trip you into reblogging or talking about any political issue, furthering your negative thoughts that may result in you harming yourself.

There's plenty of people that can speak in your name. Your priority is your own SURVIVAL. If talking about any of this directly conflicts with your survival, do not. If someone tries to guilt trip you by calling you a bad person or a pro-genocide, remember that your own safety is worth as much as anyone else's. You're not a bad person for simply not being able to handle the world's most cruel deeds.

On the other hand, being extremely upset and aggressive towards the topic is understandable and reasonable and I'm not here to take your anger away, since it is very well excused; what is happening is rightfully upsetting, it's so very horrible it would make anyone want to scream at others to wake up and act about it (esp with politicians of certain countries being mild, at best, about it).

However, coming for random people who are not political figures or directly involved in the conflict for not speaking out like they are enabling the crimes is not reasonable. Yes there are people who shut up in order to keep façade, but remember that fandom spaces are a place for people to escape reality and to find peace or joy in a life that might be a personal hell.

Calling out randoms for not talking about what you want them to talk about just so you feel morally superior because you DO (and you're able to do) is fucking unjust, and so is using all the time that passive-aggressive tone because not enough people are talking about it (in your opinion). Respect people's right for a safe space. They might already talk about the topic anyway, just not with people they do not trust.

I come to say this after seeing someone wanting to do a callout on Twitter for a random 8k follower person who didn't mention the topic in their fandom account. Things like these were the reason why I left tumblr back in 2013, because I would have daily anxiety and felt suicidal over the guilt-tripping tone of many posts talking about racism, feminism and queerphobia. It's a continuing flow of posts that make you feel guilty for not being informed enough, for having a certain privilege (living in a first world country, or having a loving family, or being white) and still being depressed and suicidal while others have it much worse. Every person's life is important, but you are the only one who can take care of yours. You are just as important as anyone else. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay safe and alive. No one can take that from you.

#I had to say it because I AM SO TRIGGERED RIGHT NOW #I despise passive aggressiveness and guilt trip #Personal #Discourse #Suicide mentions #Tw suicide

[mental-health-advice]

Hi there! I wanted to ask for some advice. I feel like I am not really living my life. I am only going through the motions. I'm definitely in a better place than I have been at other times in my life but I still constantly feel like a bystander. I never feel like I belong anywhere or make a significant contribution with my presence. I could easily be replaced in my friend group, family or work. What am I supposed to do? How can I be of more value? I want to improve myself. To be a better communicator and better at my work and better as a friend. But it's never enough. I still feel like the shy insecure kid I used to be when I was younger. It's who I've always been and even as an adult I still feel this way and I can't seem to escape from my own negative perceptions of myself.

Hey there,

It can be difficult at times to know if we make a difference in other peoples lives or not. I can sympathise a lot with this, with being a shy person and not really being close to anyone at all. There are people though, even if it’s just one or two people who I know would deeply miss me if I were to not be here anymore. This consequently helps me to feel like I am not replaceable in life and like I do contribute somewhat in it. So, I am wondering, do you have at least one person in life that would greatly miss you and notice if you were no longer to be here and alive?

I think it’s great that you are wanting to better yourself in many aspects in life, sometimes though, you need to know that you are enough just as you are and that perhaps it’s your negative perceptions of yourself that are making you feel as though you are not important in life and that you could easily be replaced.

One thing that has helped me a bit when I am feeling this way is to talk to one of two really close people in my life and ask them to list a few things that they do like about me, things that make me stand out from other people. This can help to boost your confidence in yourself whilst also enabling you to see that you are important and quite unique just as you are. Other things that you could do may be to think about these things yourself and try to really think deep about it. So for example, what are some qualities that you like about yourself (big and small) and compared to other people how do you differ from them? Again, this may help you to see how different you are and that you do add some things in life and to other people that no other person can, thus showing you that you are irreplaceable and that no one is quite like you.

I am not quite sure how you interact with others and so am not quite sure how you can improve on these things, but it is so important to allow other people to speak and to really hear what they are saying. Show them that you are listening to them by repeating what they have told you and asking them further questions about what they are talking about. In regards to work, maybe doing things such as doing more than is expected of you or sharing with your boss/ manger your thoughts on how things may be improved within your workplace or with customer service may be of some help. By doing these small things, you will be showing others that you are willing to go that extra mile and are really trying at what you are doing. Again though, I am not sure what you have currently tried/ are doing, so these are just some suggestions if you aren’t already doing them!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #feeling replaceable

[whatsonmedia]

Rise of the Power of Autism

Why It's Not So Much More Case's, But Rather More Open Conversation  In the past few years we have seen an increase in the number of people being diagnosed as Autistic. Even well-known public are talking about it. I myself am Autistic and this even got me talking, both to family, friends and colleagues. Yet before we go any further with this discussion I think it's better that we ask what it is that is actually going on first. Is it that more people are being diagnosed as Autistic, or just that far more individuals than before are just talking more openly and honestly about the issue? Now at the rate everything is going you would genuinely have thought that that in itself was probably more the case. Well before we all go down the 'Autism being the new thing' I would like to take a few moments to put my thoughts on this out there.... mainly because I see something different happening here. If we can cast our minds back a few years ago we have had several well-known public figures, or people with public profiles as I refer to them, go public with their disability. Just last year we had Christine McGuiness the ex-wife of Paddy McGuiness go public, Food Writer Jack Monroe, Environment Campaigner Greta Thunberg got a mention. Melanie Sykes, Anne Hegerty, Love Island's Niall Islam, Anthony Hopkins. Even Britain's Got Talent star Susan Boyle went public with her diagnosis and Morning Live and Crimewatch presenter Rav Wilding went publically discussed his after being diagnosed by Clinical Psychologist Sir Simon Baron-Cohen. As someone who was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome/Autistic when around preteens this is something I find absolutely remarkable. As mentioned in previous columns whenever I have openly spoken about it Autism wasn't something that was on the forefront of our minds or there on the tips of our tongues. It was very much a taboo subject of which a great many simply wouldn't discuss, either in public or privately behind closed doors. Yes I am talking 'that style of taboo'. In fact if anyone dared they would be treated far differently from any of their peers  My official diagnosis came about in mid/late 90's and this was when the only known disabilities where conditions like Cerebral Palsy, Down Syndrome, Partial to complete visual blindness, hard of hearing to complete deafness and being confined to a wheelchair. Problems like Dyslexia, ADHD and Autism were pretty much unheard of to just ignored. Basically if you were Dyslexic you were thick, if you had ADHD you were seen as troublesome and disruptive and if you were Autistic people looked at you as though you were some kind of social weirdo. Some of this I found to my own unpleasant experience, and even I didn't want to talk about it. For me, I had seen children my age and younger and seen how they were viewed, looked down at and treated by their peers. This was partially because I was, to some extent, in denial about my diagnosis but also I just wanted to feel at least some sense of normality and be very much like my friends and peers. It was a conversation that I just didn't feel ready to have, or let wanted. With friends, family or anyone. However, as times have changed and as neurological disabilities such as Autism, ADHD and Dyslexia have become more known and seen on TV/film and stage etc it's resulted in a positive domino effect. I'll just give you a quick example; Jason Haynes from BBC series Holby City played by Jules Robertson. Here was a character who was on TV, was Autistic and went on to have a job, a girlfriend and a child. For me, I was looking at someone who was like me and it felt incredible and soon many people were talking about it and as a result social attitudes changed. And by god it was bloomin' brilliant. After that many more Autistic characters were coming thick and fast. I just viewed this, and still do, as something of a triumph as it enabled me to both come to terms with and accept my Autism as something positive, not to be embarrassed or ashamed of. So in my opinion it's not so much that more people than before are being diagnosed, it's more that many people are talking about it openly. And from what I've seen it's leading the way for others further down the line to continue talk until it becomes part of our everyday being Read the full article

[dealanddistrictstrokegroup]

Deal &    District Strokes Newsletter JULY 2022

  2022

The Royal Marines commemorative concert on the bandstand  and one expected  to see everyone there on Sunday 10th July for a wonderful day

    Hello to everyone

Well here comes the summer, totally expect to be moaning that it is too hot by next week or maybe it is just an age thing.  Lovely to be able to do more with the club and seeing everyone again is the best thing of all.  Please note that August and September’s information is added to this newsletter as members of the committee are not available to hold a meeting in August.                                                                          

JULY

FRIDAY, 1th– Gerry gave an interesting talk at the meeting about the basics of genealogy and advised that anyone wishing to look into a family tree further and requires help that he belongs to a group that help.  If you wish to speak to him, please contact Pete Savage who will be able to put you in touch.  (Pete’s mobile is listed at end of newsletter).

FRIDAY, 15th– The outing to Wingham Wildlife Park has now been arranged by Wendy who is sorting out lifts for people who require them, please contact her if you need an update.  (Wendy’s mobile is listed at end of newsletter).  We should all be there for 11.00am and Wendy will sort out who needs to pay and who does not.  Any who have this year’s letter from DWP regarding PIP, DLA or Carer’s Allowance should bring this letter as proof of their disability.  This will enable DDS to claim discretionary tickets.  Also, please note that if you do not wish to buy food at the park you should bring any food required - packed lunch.

AUGUST

FRIDAY, 5th – The meeting this month is given over to Smart Project who run Dover Art Group. Dawn and Laura represent the group and will be keeping us busy.  Please also at the meeting speak to Pete regarding their event on 21st (see overleaf)

TUESDAY, 16th– We are hoping to put together a fish and chips outing on Walmer Green between bandstand and RNLI building.  We will update you about parking but hopefully the RNLI will allow us to park on the green to the right side of the building.  On the below form please list whether you will want fish and chips or sausage and chips.  As we expect most will require seating, please bring an outdoor chair, speak to someone on the committee if you have a problem with this.  Please bring a drink with you as drinks will be difficult for us to get. Please note that if it rains this outing will be cancelled.                                                    PTO…                                                                                                                                                

 SUNDAY, 21st – Lee and Pete are kindly putting on a garden party and it will run from 2.00 – 5.00pm.  They will provide drinks, tea and coffee, but request anyone coming please bring some sort of food as their abilities are limited, anybody willing to help would be appreciated.  If any going can all bring a little something to eat it should be really lovely afternoon.  If it turns out to be a rainy day it will, of course, sadly have to be cancelled. Please let Pete know (or provide him with form) if you would like to go as numbers will be kept to 16 because of garden size.

 SEPTEMBER

FRIDAY, 2nd – We are looking forward to a talk from the RNLI for the first half of the meeting and bingo (with money) for the second half.  Apparently, people really enjoyed the thought of being a winner!  Norm and I never seem to be able to win anything.

TUESDAY, 20th – An outing to Betteshanger Country Park, Mining Museum is being organised.  This will commence at 12.00 noon.  Betteshanger has now been much improved and there is a nice Café and we are currently looking at what refreshments are available and will update you with that.  Although the building is on two floors there is a lift to the 2nd floor. It would be nice to have an idea of how many would be interested so please let us know on the form below and give it in at the August meeting.

 The pier walks are carrying on every Thursday and it is especially pleasant now the summer has arrived and feel, as it is such a convenient location, we are lucky that Aspendos is happy for such a large group to descend on them  

 The seated exercise classes are going very well and most people seem to gain a lot from it.  Julie is happy to talk to anyone individually following the class to answer any questions they may have.   This will carry on every Wednesday between 1.00pm - 2.00pm

 As usual Rebecca will contact people to arrange their appointments for reflexology but should you wish to speak to her personally her mobile number is: 07970 416504 .

 No birthdays for July, August’s  birthdays are Betty Scott’s on the 9th and Nick Standen’s on 25th, for September Diane Riordan’s is on the 15th and Diane Ferris’ is on the 24th.  Wishing you all have a very Happy Birthday.

 With best wishes from all the committee members

Dorthe – (H) 373880 or (Mob) 07929 028016, Ann – (H) 360653 or (Mob) 07760 246543,    Janet (Mob) 07707 684548,  Liz – (H) 612448 or (Mob) 07958 779577, Pete – 07747 715998 and Wendy’s (Mob) 07542 448884 or email: [email protected]

  AUGUST, Tuesday 16th – 12.30pm on Walmer Green by RNLI Building – Fish & Chips or Sausage & Chips

NAME(S) ……….………………………………………………………………  FISH (1 or 2)    SAUSAGE (1  or  2)

Transport required   YES / NO  (please try to get there yourselves, if possible)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AUGUST, Sunday 21st – 2.00 – 5.00pm – Garden Party at Lee & Pete Savages, Meerkat Korner, 12 Reading Road, Walmer  CT14 7RD

 NAME(S)…………………………………………………………………………………………..………..

Tea and Coffee to be provided but please bring something to add to the food table.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SEPTEMBER, Tuesday 20th – 12.00 noon – Betteshanger Country Park, Mining Museum

 NAME(S)…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Transport required     YES / NO

[church73josefsen]

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