#i just feel like i dont do ''enough'' but of course i feel that way bc my entire team is way more qualified and enthusiastic abt the work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

suempu · 1 day

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Looooving the Laios content!!!! If you have any nsfw headcanons for him we would love to hear those too👀

<3 i tried to keep it as gn as possible. reader is on the receiving end

laios wouldn’t really be interested in sexual things unless you ask him about it.

getting intimate with him would have to happen at random or unplanned.

he’s really just content with kissing and hugging you, he’s never once thought of sex. one kiss is enough to get him so high and happy.

please makeout with this man, it gets him going. he loves your lips, the way you hum into his mouth, and the gentle caresses you leave on his arm while you do.

your first makeout session gets him hard. normally, you two only exchange sweet kisses and touches, so he was shocked when you decided to crawl over his lap to hold his face better.

his mind explodes from there.

he’s a whimperer, please guys agree with me on this. a lot of quiet gasps and surprised voice cracks are gonna come out of him.

“mmf… nghh… mMph-!”

he loves it when you tug on his hair, when your fingers dig into his roots and firmly pulling it back while you grind down at him.

laios likes putting his hands around your body, he embraces you while moaning into your mouth, eager for more of your taste.

dont get me started with the whole “taste” thing.

this man loves to eat, we all know that. but he loves to eat you.

the first time is awkward, as he’s not sure where he’s allowed to touch you and he’s quite hesitant.

“i just… don’t wanna make you uncomfortable.”

“laios, i’ll tell you if i don’t like it, okay?

you’re both learning each other’s bodies, and after much reassurance he leans in and nips at your neck.

he’s a… mouthy person. loves sucking on your skin, biting your ear (gently of course), moaning into your shoulder. one thing he loves to do, which isn’t inherently sexual, is to wrap his arms around you while nosing and kissing the skin between your jaw to your shoulder.

he trails his lips all over you, making you giggle and moan at the same time. he just likes feeling you out tbh

laios is def girthy, nothing extreme, just a bit thicker than you’d realize. he’s kind of shy at first, no one has ever seen him like this so he doesn’t know if he’s considered “sexy” or attractive

until now, he paid no mind to his body, didn’t care if people found him hot or anything, but he’s suddenly embarrassed when its you.

“i-is it good enough…?”

“you’re literally bigger than 4 of my fingers combined.”

but yes, please praise this man. tell him you love him and that he’s beautiful.

laios eats up the praise, he has a dopey smile on his face and a blush on his cheeks. he loves knowing that he can satisfy you, it makes him feel fulfilled.

once you actually get to it, his body was trembling from the heat and warmth. he moans shakily while nuzzling his face into your hair, murmuring about how good you feel and how much he loves you.

he’s really loud. he’ll moan in your ear with no hesitation and you tease him about it afterwards.

aftercare with him is comfy and cozy. you both are spent as you cuddle into each other, basking in the afterglow.

he has such a loving gaze, he looks so much like a big puppy that it makes your heart melt.

“that… was really good.” he sighs, lips nuzzled into your hair. pulling back from his chest, you rub his cheeks as you relax into the pillows, staring up at him with a smug face. “i can tell. with the way you came after 10 seconds.”

“please don’t.” he groans.

don’t worry, after a few times he will memorize all the sensitive spots in your body and get you to cum a thousand more.

laios has good stamina and he can go for at least 2 or 3 more rounds. if you’re too tired, he’ll use his remaining energy to carry you to the bathroom and wash you both off.

will unintentionally get hard while he’s cleaning you, so please forgive him for that. he’s just really attracted to you lmao

“next time maybe you can try pulling my hair.” you lean back against his chest in the tub. “or maybe a tug?”

“i don’t know… i wouldn’t wanna accidentally hurt you.”

“……”

“…”

“laios are you hard right now?”

“i’m sorry.”

after that, you both will have a relaxing routine of drying each other’s hair and brushing your teeth before sleeping.

laios is eager to learn more about your body and he’s genuinely excited to figure out what gets you going. 100/10 lover, he can’t wait to go again.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #dunmeshi #laios x reader #laios touden #laios touden x reader #dungeon meshi x reader #delicious in dungeon x reader #dunmeshi x reader

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misc-obeyme · 8 hours

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i've been.. sick.. auhrgh. (its a simple cold but my body can'teven),, if you still take tiny drabble requests can I request Barb helping mc when they got a cold.. just tooth rotting fluff.. (if you dont/aren't comfortable thats fine :0b)

Oh noooo I hope you're feeling better!! Being sick is the worst...

And I am still doing drabbles, yes! So I may have written a little more than what I consider drabble length but uh... well I can't help myself when it comes to Barb, so.

Anyway, here's a bunch of fluff!

You were sick. You knew it and even though you were trying to hide it, you were sure everybody else knew it, too. You kept your sneezes as quiet as possible, burying your face in your elbow to muffle their sound. You refused to sniffle unless you absolutely had to. And you went into the bathroom to blow your nose in private. You tried everything you could to suppress the shivers that ran through your aching body, even while you kept wiping the sweat off of your forehead.

All day at RAD, you felt like despite the obvious signs, you were doing a decent job of powering through it. If anyone noticed, they didn't say anything.

Until you got home, that is.

You were surprised to find Barbatos already in your room.

He smiled at you, but there was a sternness behind it, too. "MC. You are in no condition to continue pushing yourself the way you have been. I have changed your bedsheets and washed your favorite pair of pajamas. Now I must insist that you get changed and get into bed so you can rest."

You frowned and folded your arms. "I don't need to get into bed, I'm fine," you said.

Barbatos walked over to you, removed his glove carefully, and put his hand on your forehead. You shivered a little, partly because you knew he would feel your fever and partly because his touch awakened a burst of butterflies in your stomach.

Barbatos let his hand descend to cup your cheek. "You cannot hide the evidence of your illness from me," he said. His voice was soft, the firmness of moments ago melting away into indulgence. "I know you feel that it is minor, but you will recover quicker if you rest now. If you will allow me to, I will take care of you until you are well again."

The tinge of heat that rose up in your cheeks wasn't something you could blame on your fever. You nodded.

When you were in your pajamas and snug beneath the covers, Barbatos brought you a tray of soup and tea. He sat beside your bed while you ate. On your bedside table he had already placed a supply of tissues and water.

"This is delicious," you said when you were halfway through the soup.

"It is a recipe of my own design," Barbatos said. "It incorporates all of the best nutrients a human would need to fight off a cold. The tea is also a special blend of Devildom herbs. They are safe for human consumption, of course, but they contain just enough magical properties to boost your immune system and speed your recovery."

You smiled at him. It was just like him to be so meticulous in what he served you.

"Isn't it a bad idea for you to be this close to me?" you asked. "What if I'm contagious? I don't want you to get sick, too."

"You needn't worry about me, MC," Barbatos said. "I am not capable of contracting an illness of this nature."

You didn't have the clarity of mind to question that statement further.

When you had finished eating, Barbatos cleared away the tray, then positioned himself back in his chair.

"Are you really just going to sit there all night?" you asked.

"I wish to be here should you need me," he said.

You sighed. You were feeling sleepy. The warmth of the food made you heavy and the softness of your mattress caused your body to relax. Your senses were dulled by the fever still running through you. Your eyelids were slowly descending, but you kept them open. You reached out a hand toward Barbatos and murmured his name.

Barbatos knew what you wanted without you needing to say it. You were still sitting up in bed and after removing his shoes, Barbatos sat beside you. Instead of laying back on your pillows, you rested your head on his chest. His arms enclosed you and your breathing synced with his. You fell asleep listening to the beating of his heart.

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

#I couldn't resist ending on that super fluffy moment lolol #I can't help myself #anyway I do hope you feel better soon Kian #obey me #obey me nightbringer #obey me barbatos #om barbatos #obey me barbatos x reader #om barbatos x reader #x reader #expressionless-fr #cc mutuals #misc writes

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skunkes · 7 months

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Your post about loving to study the beauty of the human body as well as wanting to love someone male while also be them is something I've been feeling for the past few years tbh but I've never heard someone put it in the exact words I use before. I think it's also because when it comes to topics like that I also feel embarrassed trying to explain a melded and complicated but beautiful emotion that doesn't have a word for it other than imagery in my mind

Sorry for the random soul post in your inbox but I get you! And that makes me happy

Also you're art is very cool and holds the very idea of human warmth and love within keep it up

responding to the compliment first, thank you!!!

as for the rest, yes! In the past I've definitely understood "love someone so much you want to crawl into them because hugging and physical intimacy isn't enough" as well as the usual "do i wanna fuck them or be them 🤪" sentiment floating around,

but it's not until very recently that I pieced together the, "well, what would I do if I literally got my hands on another [human being]. I'm not sure it would be enough to just Behold a [beautiful human being], I also want to be a beautiful [human being], but in the way this [person] is, which is. Unlike the way I am. Different from how I am. (In the many ways that can be interpreted)."

Which is adjacent to the "crawling into them", and adjacent to wishing I could be desired in the same way that I desire, and then directly connected to the way I am being genuine and casual when I say I love looking at and am in awe of the human form, but it's so very easy for that genuine love to slip into that intense and strange enthusiasm to map out, touch, explore, examine, open, crawl, meld, Be. Be!

#skunk mail #Anonymous #(all metaphorical of course; im not chopping anyone to pieces)#<- also actually saying this genuinely and not in a sneaky sarcastic way #im not chopping anyone to pieces AND i understand healthy boundaries. i obvs wouldnt actually just get weird with somebody #in such a vulnerable state. its meant more playful. you are human im human i dont feel human i want to be human #i want to touch you human i want to be you human. human like you. not human like me.#is it enough to admire you when i so badly want to be a human of your appearance...in some ways general and some ways specific...#...your usage of the word ''male'' also rings true. for some of this. augh.#long post #long ask #Another way to describe it is: I have made many posts about my feeling of isolation from my alleged hobbies...#it's never enough to just collect beautiful art from others or marvel at someone's skilled Print Making #How do you just admire? I want to do it too. I want to do it too.#and also i am looking back and forth from the dynamic with talon wrt these sentiments #scratching my neck and looking nervous #🌺

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icewindandboringhorror · 22 days

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Misc. photos from the past year or so ~

#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1. napping bapy boye sneeping on his own foot as if it were a pillow #2. The little primrose that I have seems to bloom sporadically all year around as long as I bring it inside and don't let it freeze #in the winter. This was a flower that came up randomly like mid november lol #3. Rainbow where you can see a little bit of a second rainbow near the bottom of it :0 #4. CHILDREN.... love to see them.....#5. Halloween Candy ranking tierlist. not important enough to post on it's own. so throwing it in with one of these I guess lol #I am also not really a candy person at all and prefer bready stuff like cakes rather than chocolate bars (if I even have to have sweets #at ALL which usually I prefer savory food). I suspect the apple is controversial but.. I do love apples .... huzzah #actually am having applle and peanut butter snack right now as I'm writing this lol #6. Various bowls/cups/etc. that I got from a store at COMPLETELY different times like.. years apart from each other #yet at some point realized that they all mostly match in paint color and seem to be part of the same pattern #But I totally didnt make that connection until a few years ago when I was putting up dishes. I just bought them all invidually because it's #like 'oh cool! a cat' *1 year later* 'oh cool! a cat!' etc. lol.. I guess it must be a popular design if it's been around being sold that #long.#7. carne asada burrito and matcha bubble tea... oughhgh.... again one of my very rare meals where I actually go and get something..#probably my favorite meal currently. Something about the Chronic Anemia makes me crave beef burritos madly despite only having one #maybe twice a year or so ghjbhj.. plus the beans.... onions.... many of my Diet Forbidden foods... Also of course the little aishas #are there.... somehow they shall split the meal together even though it's like 10x bigger than their bodies.. they are also hungry #and vastly anemic... huzzah to them...#8. I've had this shirt for a long time but it fits very weird so I can never find a way to use it in outfits?? But I recently had #an appointment where a doctor needed to be able to look at my back and it's one of the only actual Shirts that I have (mostly i just own #long robes or tunics or jumper dress type of things that would be hard to lift up or etc. like... I dont even own a single normal 't-shirt'#or anyting aside from one giant tshirt that I sleep in in the summer lol.) So I wore this there.. I forget how much I love the pictures on #it.. how pleasant... little hummingbird... AND I think one of the flowers is supposed to be columbine ... !#photo diary

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lunarharp · 3 months

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wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

#bg3 spoilers #?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee #i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen #makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it #augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3 #I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE #AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY #grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear #truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol #if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life #being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online #someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself #I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......

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archirdarchernar · 3 months

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#vent #it feels awful #not knowing what the fuck to do #i WANT like a fucking gluttonous beast #i wanna be good at everything #i wanna be good at art and singing and worldbuilding and writing and editing and animating and academics #and i never feel satisfied #and no ones forcing me to do any of this #i just fucking want to for some reason and its destroying me #i just end up being not good at anything. im shit at studying and sleeping and keeping to deadlines #i want there to be enough time for me to explore everything #for me to learn everything at my own pace and perfect my skills #but it just feels like i have no time for myself anymore #everything i have i must dedicate to studying for a levels and its so tiring. i wanna draw and be creative too but theres so much course #content that its killing me. i want my free time back #and im forever thankful to my parents for moving with me all the way to the uk so i can learn about things that actually interest me but #even that doesnt really mean anything anymore thanks to the standardization of education and especially exams and exam boards #so my parents spent all that effort and money for nothing and i really just want to break down and cry and say sorry #but that would just hurt them even more and even i dont have the heart to do that so im stuck with this and im so goddamn tired #and of course by spreading my attention and efforts so thin everything i do is lackluster so of course my grades are shit #and i get sick often so my attendence record is also shit #it just feels like im a burden for existing like a malignant tumour #and i have to relearn how to cry. imagine that. a grown adult not knowing how to cry #i never knew there was supposed to be emotional relief when crying sometimes because whenever i cry when im overwhelmed...or anytime really #i get told to stop immediately so i got trained to hold everything in.and i get that its easy for the adults to deal with a not-crying child #but i kinda feel cheated #i want that emotional catharsis that comes with crying your feelings out and i have to teach myself how to do it #how pathetic is that #had to get this out there its just too much for me #arc 3am logs

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p4nishers · 1 year

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i know some people already pointed it out but like. eddie was in black. BLACK. he was in LITERAL MOURNING CLOTHES. he was already mourning. already prepared for the worst.

#buddie #crying about this is not enough i need to jump off a building.#no cause THIS hurts so bad actually now that i think about it cause if u had a loved on in hospital in critical condition u KNOW this #feeling so intimately where u think u already lost time. that time frame before the confirmation where u cant help but to wear black cause #u dont know what else u could possibly do and doing anything else feels impossibly #its such a simple thing really to wear a specific color but it feels like equivalent of giving up. in the days leading up to my #grandmothers death i wore nothing but black all the way to her funeral which i couldn't attend. god i understand him so bad.#god i love him so much he was already prepared for the worst he's so familiar with grief he just knew. im so glad he didn't to lose buck #but also just that whole entire scene. how the moment he knew chris was secure he turned away and wipped a hand down his face and the #moment he started to speak his eyes filled with theirs bc its just so much easier to hold it together when u r silent #like OF COURSE we didn't get a scene where eddie was only w buck OF COURSE like he couldn't even look at him he was only there bc of chris #cause he just couldn't face the possibility of losing buck. im so not well #eddie diaz #evan buckley #911 6x11 #911 spoilers #911 6b #jesus fuck the typos are embarrassing im so sorry

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lesenbyan · 6 days

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There are few things worse, I think, than reading a call to action memoir that is so close to right but really should have been shelved for at least 5yrs before going to print so the author has time to learn enough to see all the false equivalencies that really hinder the point

#personal;#yeah fatphobia is bad but dont you dare act like people aren't asking disabled people to medically alter themselves every day???#you compare bariatric and gender affirming surgeries in such a way that makes the latter sound easy to get??#and in fact don't at ALL go into the struggles for transition care except for a nod at FL while comparing us (trans people)#to fat people like our lives are Much Easier instead of /oppressed by the same white colonial structures that enforce fatphobia/#but go off i guess #i was giving a lot of leeway when i was just side eyeing the comparisons with racism bc i'm not fat and i've not experienced enough racism #to say either way on those #but the MOMENT she started using trans and disabled comparisons i about lost it #and also randomly started calling it antisemitic (sure as much as it's violnt to all poc) in the last chapter with nothing supporting it #like you can tell it was written over the course of the last like 2 maybe 3 years without enough space to breathe #i have listened to a book on writing memoir so often i've got some of it all but memorized #and i agree that if it's more recent than a decade you're probably too close to be writing it #and this author's writing mostly about during pandemic times. this is more a journal and call to action than memoir #but its not polished enough to be a proper call to action bc there's not much it gives you to do other than 'stop dieting & dare to be fat'#which isn't an effective call to action when only those most harmed by fatphobia can act on it you know???#lots of complaints #3/10 #edit: reiterting that i'm not saying it'#*it's not anti-semitic; just that a good published work of this kind doesn't make last second claims and certainly not ones #they haven't already explicitly supported in the text #i feel the need to clarify with the very very vocal rise of anti semitism esp in the left #like yes there are anti-Semitic ties. she didn't name them. just said 'they exist lol' and this went to print #great study in poor research slipping onto shelves bc topic matter is relevant

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britneyshakespeare · 11 days

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i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.

the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.

and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.

when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.

i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.

i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!

because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?

in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.

like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.

i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.

and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.

i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.

i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.

i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.

but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.

that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.

#tales from diana #long post #sorry i should probably put this under a read more but it was just a long stream of consciousness #and idk. im tired. im so tired #do you wanna be known as the substitute teacher a kid kept touching inappropriately? probably not #thank god for the first para i told bc she took it really seriously seemingly. i mean idk what she told him in their conversation #not EXACTLY what she told him. she obviously said this was wrong and she reiterated in learning center again #that if that were her daughter she'd be through the roof and that she'd be telling his regular para #i mean of course i had to tell the regular para directly. i would rather it come from my mouth #i'm the one who has the most information of how and why it happened. i think other ppl telling it would just reduce it to #'he thought she was so pretty and he kept staring at and touching her legs cuz she wore a skirt' like come on #the indignity of that!#i already feel undignified enough.#and also thank god for the social studies teacher. the more im processing this the more im like thank god #i dont know him well. he had already been a nice dude to me before in my interactions w him #like as a sub you notice the people who are really affirming of the strange and irregular work you do #earlier this week i was subbing for the math teacher across the hall for instance and he came in before class started and said #that if anyone's giving me a hard time to just send them to him. bc that group can be a little rowdy/wild #my classroom discipline skills are not that bad where i felt the need to have someone more experienced defend me so to speak #like i know i look young and am assumed to be new. but with most classes. i can handle most misbehavior #i can put my foot down in a way kids normally respect. i know how to keep em on task #and for MOST of the day with this kid that's what i was doing. but if that social studies teacher hadn't done what he did #i might not feel so bold in just straight up walking away from that kid. after saying stop stop stop repeatedly #like he had his own job to do independent of me but i remember the gestures and like. i could cry. he KNEWWWW #that's just a very trustworthy person i feel. he didn't want me to suffer through that any longer #a lot of teachers (unfortunately) largely ignore the kids with paras and/or expect the paras to communicate to the kid exclusively #that teacher is not like that. he was willing to mind that boy while i escaped that situation. so so grateful to him

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