#i just rewatched that scene and i am in severe pain

[magicaldreamfox1]

do u guys ever wonder abt what vegas was thinking between getting shot and collapsing on the floor and passing out. if he was thinking abt how at least he can die knowing that pete wants him. that pete was there. that the last thing he got to see was pete's face even tho it wasn't him who killed him. was he thinking abt how it should've been pete who killed him. was he glad to die. bc there truly is nothing left and pete would be better off without him? that he deserved to die? was he thinking abt his father while falling unconscious or did he listen to the shots pete fired and pete wailing? was he awake just long enough to feel pete collapsing next to him and leaning over him. long enough to feel him lying on his chest? long enough to think that maybe this is the best way to die? to drift off while feeling pete's warmth?

#someone take my brain away from me #i just rewatched that scene and i am in severe pain #and since sharing is caring here u go #vegaspete #kinnporsche #kp analysis #bl shows #dreamy talks

[alicerosejensen]

I love your page so much omg. I‘m literally obsessed with your work😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Also I have this imagination in my mind going on about how Leon would try to help his girlfriend from recovering from her mental health issues since she’s always helping him. I was recently thinking about how he would react finding her not moving on the bathroom floor and trying to bring her back! I rewatched American horror stories and the scene with tate and violet in the first season episode 6 (ig?) is always in my head. I‘m still recovering from my past and my unhealthy habits and tbh recovery never felt better.

If this is too much for you or triggering please ignore this.🫶🏼❤️

I had a terrible period in my life when I was a few steps away from doing something like this in my life and unfortunately this shit often comes out. I'm not sure that such texts help me work through my psychological traumas, which were, in fact, inflicted on me and continue to be inflicted by close people who do not consider me a person, but at least such works help me to vent my pain, which I cannot permanently bury in myself.

I have been postponing this request for a long time because I was probably waiting for the right moment to write this text.

There are mentions of suicide, psychological trauma, severe self-doubt and anxiety, so if this is not acceptable to you, then please just block it.

Perhaps there is a similarity with my previous texts, but I am writing this with strong emotions now that I am trying to cope with it again.

the text is chaotic, I repeat, written while I was under the influence of strong heavy emotions. Maybe I'll delete it later, when my brain gets back to normal a little bit.

If a songbird doesn't sing well, they wring its neck.

Maybe it was the costs of Leon's profession and the result of his constant missions, after which something human is gradually dying in him despite the constant struggle to save everyone. Raccoon City was supposed to teach, if not to survive, then make him begin to understand that some are doomed to die.

Leon Kennedy was taught not to offend, but to protect the weak, especially weak women. But it is difficult to calm the flow of disordered thoughts and put aside the fear that has seized him in order to clamp bloody wrists and apply something to them to stop the blood. Leon knew many strong women: Ada was perhaps the first among them, he did not know either her past or her real name, only the present that pushed their foreheads against each other; Claire, a fighting friend of misfortune that he met in that ill-fated city; Ashley, who turned from a baby eagle into a proud eagle; Angela Miller and others…

Your strength dissolves in the water, coloring it scarlet while your heart stubbornly still beats, let the rhythm noticeably shorten.

In truth, over the past few months it became clear that this was the only way out. When even your loved ones considered you an expired product and did not hesitate to remember this and remind you every time. In the end, their words turned into an obsessive worm that settled in your head, slowly day after day, month after month, devouring you and the circumstances seemed to be not in your favor. Instead of support, you somehow faced reproach, as if the universe was screaming that you were an wrong person, nature's mistake who had no right to live.

Escape attempts were doomed to failure. At first you tried to suppress it in yourself, helping Leon, because, in your opinion, he was the only one who had the right to complain about life, although he did not do this in front of you, because everyone said that you had no problems: you have everything limbs, there are no fatal diseases, all loved ones are healthy and there is a roof over your head, as if this is enough to not fall for nonsense and not walk around forever with a sad face.

This was the last time you shared your experiences. You didn’t even bother telling Leon, but everything inside was torn from constant pain. The feeling was as if you were being beaten by two extremes that led you to the edge of an abyss where you ultimately voluntarily jumped.

no, you really loved him, it was just other people’s words and your own speculation that convinced you, despite your strong relationship with him, that Leon would find someone better, someone more confident in himself, someone who would not be you because you had already missed the chance for a good life because it moved too slowly. Ultimately, a couple of sips of alcohol with sleeping pills and a sharp blade in his hands simply promised to correct the mistake in the form of you with your own hands.

You didn't have the courage to do it any other way.

But you really didn’t think that if you could try to open up to your loved one, you would meet support and not condemnation. Perhaps in a mad world he would be the only one who would heal your wounds as you healed him in your time. Leon clenched his teeth, feeling tears flowing down cheeks, seeing these crimson stains, when he pulled your body out of the bath, holding you close to him, repeating “I’m holding you. It's allright"

He so carefully laid you on his lap, managing to pull out a first aid kit and then bandages to tightly, albeit carelessly, wrap them around your wrist in order to somehow stop the bleeding. At least you were still breathing, thereby giving him hope that everything could still be fixed. the darkness and emptiness came to life, calling in a whisper to dissolve into eternal silence where there is no pain or condemnation. Your body will be in a grave under a gray stone, while the remains of your soul will float like a small grain of sand in infinity.

For Leon, everything happens in a fog; he tried more than once to save people, but he had no right to lose in this battle, even if you yourself surrendered to death. Shaking his head, brushing away the tears, he wrapped your body in a large terry towel, kissed your temple and picked you up, trying to somehow warm you, pressing you closer to him. the ability to provide first aid in the field and pull suicides out of the other world is not the same thing. Leon would have thanked God if he had believed in him, convinced that blood loss was the least of the evils that you had caused yourself, until he saw the remains of some substance at the bottom of the glass that stood on the table along with an almost full bottle of alcohol.

You really didn't give him a chance.

The ambulance took several minutes, which seemed like an eternity. In fact, Leon wasn't sure if it was worth trying to make you vomit when you'd already lost so much blood that it was already seeping through the bandages. Surely you would need a transfusion and Leon is ready to give you all his blood if only you would wake up. Holding his breath, he carefully looked at your chest, watching whether you were breathing and fortunately, your heart was still beating, slowly, but it was still fighting for life.

He stroked you on the head, kissed you, promised that he would take you somewhere else, quiet, where no one would dare to offend you, even if it was your family. You could have just asked him for help, just cuddled up to him and he would have protected you from other people’s attacks, but you preferred to remain silent. Kennedy was tired of waiting for the medical staff to let him in, although relatives should be allowed to see the patient first, but the position of a government agent sometimes had its advantages, and they concerned not only the high salary. When he was let in to you, it seemed to him that you had become half your size while you were lying on the bed, curled up under the blanket. It didn’t work out to pull off a beautiful suicide, which meant that soon angry relatives would come here with new sweat of bile especially for you. They won’t care about your feelings, but Leon sat down next to you, trying not to intrude too much into the space in which you imprisoned yourself, as if this blanket cocoon could be a separate world where you could hide. He spoke to you carefully, hating himself for not being able to understand in time what was wrong with your behavior; perhaps if he had been more attentive to you, the incident could have been avoided. You would see a psychotherapist, take a course of medication, and your environment would definitely be taken care of.

You cry, not letting him come to you, hating how you weren't just left to die and how much you hate this world. Hysteria after hysteria, nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown, in the hospital you repeatedly tried to commit suicide, but the attentive staff managed to prevent this before you inflicted fatal injuries on yourself, and if after some time Leon still managed to carefully break through your armor, then your loved ones This did not concern relatives in principle. You only allowed one person to visit you while you were undergoing psychological treatment and you behaved calmer and calmer, listening to the velvety words that soon all this would be behind you.

“We’ll go home soon,” Leon smiled, gently holding your hand and kissing your forehead, just glad that you’re alive, that you’re breathing and that your psycho-emotional state is slowly but improving. “You know, I have a surprise for you, I think you’ll like it when we get home.”

Soon what happened will become another nightmare in his life, a blessing with a good ending, but for the sake of this happy ending, Kennedy is ready to descend into hell at least every day.

You nod at him and smile a little, fearing that the gift is some kind of party on the occasion of your discharge. In fact, the last thing you want is to see someone’s faces, especially those who diligently hammered into your head how insignificant you are. Why do you even hope that the doctor will postpone your discharge, but the plans for your further treatment were completely different.

On the other hand, after taking antidepressants and psychological help in a special medical institution, how many men are ready to stay with their girlfriends who have been there for several months? For Leon, it seems this was not a significant problem, or he simply carefully did not show it. However, there were no parties, no calls, you simply returned now to his home where there were new interior items. it became somehow more comfortable... but something else surprised you.

Puppy. A small puppy of a couple of months old ran towards you and Leon to meet both of them, but stopped and began sniffing your shoes, while something thawed in your heart.

“Animals seem to help us well, They feel when we feel bad, it seems to me a good idea to get us a little companion,” Leon said quietly, stroking your back while you were busy with the puppy, rejoicing at the little living soul who will love you with the same pure and devoted love.

Ultimately it should have a happy ending too. Leon is ready to go to great lengths so that his beloved songbird starts smiling and singing happy songs again, even if it is necessary to remove other birds from her family who sleep and see how to pluck all her wings again.

You and he also have a chance for a happy ending.

#leon kennedy #leon scott kennedy #leon s kennedy #resident evil #leon kennedy x reader #leon x reader #leon s kennedy x reader #resident evil x reader #leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy resident evil #leon s kennedy x fem!reader #leon s kennedy x you #leon scott kennedy x reader #leon resident evil #resident evil leon

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Late top 5 ask because I just thought of it: 5 shows that you are always down to rewatch

What a great question that is also such a mean and incredibly evil thing to ask me, wen-kexing-apologist, Chronic Rewatcher lmfao

So fun fact I have seen KinnPorsche 14 times, Our Flag Means Death 11 times, The Old Guard 11 times, Heartstopper 11 times, The Eclipse probably 6 times, Bad Buddy and ITSAY 4 times, etc, etc, etc. And those are counting all the times I have watched a show all the way through. This is not counting the number of times I have actively gone back to watch specific episodes or specific scenes.

See the problem is sometimes I hyperfixate and then I just have to watch it until it is out of my system, sometimes an OST pops in to my head and then I get the urge to watch the show again, and sometimes I agree to edit the transcripts for the backlog of @the-conversation-pod and @bengiyo and @shortpplfedup start talking about a show and I'm like "ahhh good times! I should rewatch that!"

So you can imagine the stress I am under. I'll have to do this by category

Show I Am Constantly Rewatching: Bed Friend

gif by @perths

I know what you may be thinking, and yes you are correct I am in this rewatch for Uea's emotional journey. Uea is my sweet summer child, I love him, I have adopted him in to my family, his happiness is my happiness and I love love love watching him go from a quiet, reserved, unhappy character who keeps getting put in unfair situations through no fault of his own in to this confident, vibrant, happy person who is on his way towards healing. Often times it can be hard for me to pick A Favorite thing; a favorite character, a favorite scene because there are so. many. good. ones. But I am constantly, and I mean constantly rewatching the scene in Episode 8 where Uea tells King about his past. I have lost count of how many times I've seen it, no even kidding I watched that scene before I went to bed just last week. I will always always be down to watch that show because I love seeing how far my boy is able to grow with just a little bit of love, care, and therapy.

Show I Would Rewatch for an Instant Mood Boost: If It's With You

gif by @jimmysea

I have a difficult time understanding/feeling emotion in my body unless I abstract it in to fiction. So when I experience strong emotions it is typically when something super happy or super tragic happens on screen, in a book, during my D&D game, etc. One of my absolute favorite things is when something makes me so happy that my body is no longer able to contain it and I have to do the Neurodivergent Hand Flappies(TM). I think I spent 80% of this show grinning so hard it hurt my face and doing the Neurodivergent Hand Flappies because it just...they made me so happy. Amane is so sweet, and he deserves happiness, and he is getting his happiness and he's just full of sunshine and I already rewatched this show like immediately after it finished. This show joins my This Could Fix Me list.

Show I Would Be Down to Rewatch for Emotional Catharsis: Eternal Yesterday

gif by @duckflyfly

I have not rewatched this show...yet. But I want to, and I know that I will eventually. I can only imagine that it is sadder and more evil the second time around. I cried soooo hard over this show. But it is beautiful, and it is healing, and the pain is a good type of aching pain that comes with coming to terms with grief. With acknowledging grief. With finding where the beauty and peace lie within death and memory, and the way its claws dig in to you and leave you changed forever. Ghosts can be warm, and this show makes me warm despite it all.

Show I Would Be Down to Rewatch for Content: I Told Sunset About You/I Promised You the Moon

gif by @thii-nii

I think I am in @shortpplfedup's camp about how you find new things to think about every time you watch this show. I actually desperately, desperately own I Promised You the Moon several rewatches because I have seen ITSAY four times at this point and IPYTM once. I am currently rewatching IPYTM with a friend who is seeing it for the first time, so that should help. But the first time I watched this show I was unable to function to notice anything, and it wasn't until the third time I'd watched ITSAY when I was rewatching it to prepare for the podcast panel, that I finally was able to form any level of coherent analytical thought to it. So I would rewatch this at any point just to see what more I could pull out of it.

Show I Would Be Down to Rewatch But Haven't Yet: 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us

gif by @dingyuxi

Bold, based on how intense of a reaction I had to this show, I know. But this was one of my favorites, I never wrote anything about it because I was too busy having a literal mental breakdown over it, one that was so bad I almost had to bail on the entire show with like...20 minutes left of it, and I originally nixed my plan to show it to a friend. BUT I have watched the specific scene that did me in (and only that scene) and it went over fine once I knew to expect it so I do want to watch the whole thing again. I have a friend who I have been forcing to watch BL shows I liked and I watch them with her, and this is on the list. However, I am currently running her through I Promised You The Moon and What Did You Eat Yesterday? Season 2 so this show is still quite a ways out from a rewatch because I am not a total monster and want to give her some modicum of emotional break between those two shows and 180 Degree.

Bonus:

Show I Would Never Rewatch: Enchante

I hate this show truly an unreasonable amount. I hate Theo so much oh my fucking god. I refuse to watch this again and I'm mad that I finished it.

ASK ME MY TOP 5 OF ANYTHING BL

#best of bl #ask game #bed friend #bed friend the series #if it's with you #kimi to nara koi wo shite mite mo #eternal yesterday #eien no kinou #i told sunset about you #itsay #i promised you the moon #ipytm #180 degree longitude passes through us #180 degree #180d #the true answer to this is: my list of shows i'm always down to rewatch is long #my list of shows i will never rewatch is very very *very* short

[kess-in-the-perthchimzone]

A DEEP dive on the extra Dangerous Romance media

I just did a rewatch of all the extra Dangerous Romance media (which currently stands at five videos -- end credits, music videos, and trailers). In the process, I realized we've now seen a kind of shocking amount of the footage (I'd guess 80%? Something like that). Which makes me take special stock of everything else, as it could very believably be happening in the next couple of episodes.

So, pulling together some observations, questions, and other unhinged thoughts organized by broad themes about what we know is left:

Open House

Starting with this since we know it's next week. This episode seems like it's going to be full of shenanigans. Leaving aside everything we saw in the trailer (Pimfah teasing them, Sailom agonizing over what to wear, CPR, drawing each other, Sailom stuffing lettuce in Kang's face, another prolonged BL pause) we also get --

Attaching locks together! Kang's hand up top! Look at Sailom's smile!

Sports Day

Another day we know is coming up. This one looks sooo cute, as do they in those fresh polos.

We see both Kang making some kind of delivery to Guy/Auto/Sailom and then Kang passing some kind of note to Sailom with a very 'only two people in a crowded room' vibe.

Football Games

There seem to be two significant football games (it physically pains me not to write soccer) based on uniforms (maybe one is part of Sports Day and Kang gets roped in to play? Uncertain).

During one (lighter uniforms) -- Kang makes a penalty kick. Almost all the friends are in the stands together!

The second, darker uniform game, Kang also does something hot to dodge a defender to score, and the friends are together again. Interesting note that a much larger crowd seems to be at this game.

And Kang DTRs! The way he words this makes it sound at least to me that they have talked about potentially being boyfriends before this (see more commentary on this below). It also seems very likely that the answer is yes:

Market Adventure

I am so excited for this one!! I was going to say I can't begin to speculate what's happening here, but that's a lie because my guess is it's shopping for Sports Day. We get the bus fall and utterly whipped (feverish?) Kang stare! A cute casual lunch date! The return of casual clothes Kang! Kang fainting and Sailom protectively cradling him in his arms! Kang completely out of his element seeing what the real world is like!

The Return of Escorting

Much has already been said about this. Reiterating that I am firmly in the camp that this may spell the (temporary) end of this honeymoon period we're about to be living in and also that I am scared to see the return of angry, bully Kang, which will have been a long time coming by that point. However, I have one genuinely new observation to add that I don't think I've seen anywhere else!

Sailom's shirt is SIGNIFICANTLY more open when Kang pushes him onto the bed. I want to know how that happened. Did the buttons get ripped off? WHO ripped or undid them? I would pay real money for it to have been creepy old man and that to partially be what Kang is reacting to.

They Cute

I have no real observations here except kisses!! I like that it's Sailom who does the kissing in the upper right. Also for a rich boi Kang loves that black ripped tank which I appreciate because I love him wearing it.

(I had to delete a photo where he was also wearing it and they were basically holding hands over Kang's laptop while Kang pretended to wipe something on Sailom's face. Both cute and disgusting. Disgustingly cute.).

Romantic Rides

I really love the idea of them taking romantic rides together as dates. Not pictured but should also count is the red sweater Kang "would you still like me if I didn't have money" ride to the windmills.

Also as several people have pointed out, the late night kissing ride seems to be the same night as the happy money throwing scene.

And then they were roommates

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS IN THIS CATEGORY

What are they talking about?? Why are they in bed together? Is this before or after they start dating? How can Sailom look so convincingly nonplussed with Kang making those eyes at him??

Is this another breakup era pining type thing? Or are they standing on opposite sides of the same door but separated by other circumstances??

And WHAT is happening here?? I have so many guesses but I would be embarrassed to even put them in writing. I don't think Sailom would be the one to go blushing maiden between them, would he?? So is something else supposed to be happening? Is Kang trying to coax him into the shower together and Sailom protesting because Grandma is home? Seriously, please share your guesses.

Other Misc

Finally a small selection of random things.

First, I am curious about this handholding but also this dialogue:

This is Sailom speaking here. Whereas in a different voiceover Kang asks "What's our deal?" and then later if Sailom will be his boyfriend. So including the soccer hug scene that seems like four different times one of them tries to figure out what's up between them. They eventually stop being so dumb!

I am really excited for this particular scene because I think it's sweet that when(?) Sailom is living with Kang they still wind up studying at Sailom's house.

Last but not least, I have ZERO guesses here. Is this a bar?? This sure doesn't seem like English practice. Why does Sailom seem so unhappy?

((Also not included, some of the big obvious moments that have been wildly speculated about like Sailom getting shot at, Kang rescuing him on his bike, Sailom's brother's arrest, and the shower crying scene, all of which are going to be glorious.))

Please share your thoughts and guesses about any of the above!!

#dangerous romance #dangerous romance the series #kanghansailom #kanghan kirttin sukprasert #kanghan krittin #sailom homchan #meta meta meta #kess babbles about dangerous romance

[randomshyperson]

Hey Mary I saw you mentioned in one of your fics (amazing work as always btw) that youre watching Hibike! Euphonium??? I've watch over 4 times so it's probably my favorite anime ever and I would love to hear your thoughts about it, how much you liked it, if you also ship Kumirei or nah?

~🦭

I saw your ask a few days ago and was waiting to respond when I finished the anime, and here I am. I can define my emotional state after finishing both seasons in two words: emotionally devastated.

Btw, this will contain spoilers if anyone bothers.

I watched the anime for the first time almost a decade ago, and I had only seen it because of Kumirei. I decided to give it a chance even though I knew beforehand they weren't canon, and I remember being really in love with the couple and being truly outraged when Kumiko ended up with that boy.

At fifteen, I had no idea about concepts like heteronormativity or comphet, or any of those more complex concepts I learned in college. And rewatching the anime today, I found Kumiko's relationship with Shuichi more comical than anything else. Her frequent and clear lack of interest in that boy throughout the entire anime turns any interaction between them into something comical and even frustrating, especially since everyone around her seems to insist that Kumiko should be with him simply because he has a crush on her. When I was the same age as the characters, it really irritated me, now as an adult I just felt sorry for them all. And I found it really frustrating how he got more development with Hazuki, and if the producers had focused on them, it would have made more sense than putting him with Kumiko who had an interest in basically any topic other than that boy.

But male characters aside, I just realized how much I missed female characters (or girls in this case) and their well-written and developed female friendships when I rewatched this anime. Hollywood could never.

Remember that I defined my state as emotionally devastated? Well, that's all the fault of the arc written for Asuka.

Her friendship with Kumiko is absurdly beautiful. The dialogue where Kumiko, who is the youngest between them, shouting about how Asuka doesn't need to act like she knows everything and that the two of them are just kids has easily become one of my favorites in any media. At fifteen years old, I had no idea the weight of several scenes, especially this one, or when Asuka is slapped by her mother? Insane. I had the pleasure and luck of being reminded of how beautiful and well-written this anime was. And the ending with Asuka graduating was deeply painful. Not because something bad happened (thank god), but that fact that she did it! She played for her father, got the best grades in Japan and will probably have a bright future ahead of her. But that means she's leaving and Kumiko still has two years there and even with that incredible connection, Asuka needs to move on. Living through high school while watching, I didn't understand what that scene really meant. The arrival of adulthood. But upon rewatching it I was in tears, completely in shock. For the good of my heart I simply decide that they met again in college.

Also, I still haven't rewatched the movie about the second year because I simply don't want to say goodbye to any more characters.

How difficult was it for the studio to write a band made up of students from the same year? I wanted everyone to graduate together. I guess it wouldn't hurt the same way if they did.

Now talking about what I didn't like? Well, there's just gone thing that really bothers me about this anime: Reina's feelings for her teacher. When I was fifteen, and I heard these teenagers talking about it, and I had no idea whatsoever about life, I didn't see it as a major problem. I even thought that Reina, so mature and intelligent, would turn 18 and embark on a failed romance before realizing that the only person for her was Kumiko, but now at 23 I absolutely hate everything about that matter. What bothered me most was that at no point was there a straight forward take on how the mere idea of this relationship is wrong. We even have a scene where the temporary Instructor makes jokes about the Professor being popular with the girls. I was very uncomfortable with how this subject was not closed in a concrete and absolute way, I would have liked to have seen at least one scene of Reina's parents guiding her about how she was confusing admiration for a talented adult man she has known since she was a child with love, but the anime insisted on a one-sided romance until the end, and it aged really badly.

I haven't had the chance to see both movies and the new season yet, but I really hope the matter has been closed because it was very uncomfortable.

Also, I've come to have a different view of Kumirei now that I'm no longer a teenager; I used to watch the scenes and be outraged, just hoping that they would kiss soon and realize how in love they are. Today, well, yes please just kiss, but also, I noticed an even greater complexity in their relationship. Slow Burn is very welcome, I even have the impression that their fifteen-year-old versions from the first season simply don't have the emotional maturity necessary to understand their own relationship. I know the studio probably won't make them canon, but I don't think I'll mind it as much as I would have a decade ago: I really like the idea that they took time to understand the depth of their feelings, and that the separation during college was perhaps what was necessary for them to realize how emotionally intertwined they are. I feel like as always, the fanfics will make it worth it.

#me venting about hibike euphonium and kumirei in 2024 #this is long #ask box #kumirei #hibike! euphonium #🦭 anon #🦭

[bromcommie]

Hello & Happy Monday!

So...for the WIP tag game...I know I'm supposed to pick the one (1! ONE!) that I find most intriguing, but this is like a whole buffet of intrigue, so maybe I can have two? 👀 1) НОЧНОЙ РАЗГОВОР (FIGURE OUT) <- ngl, the 'figure out' cracked me up. Also, late night conversations? Yes, please!

2) what's a nice nutcase like you doing in a place like astoria 1203 <- this just sounds fun...and possibly like the title could be deliberately misleading

Thank you! <3

Hello helloo, happy Monday to you too! (but also Tuesday now I guess. It's a 2-for-1!)

Thank you for the ask, and thank you for indulging me with two (2! it's gonna be so long!) <3

НОЧНОЙ РАЗГОВОР (FIGURE OUT!!!) - Ooof, this fucking guy. I'm glad my stern instructions to myself in the title there were funny, because I do indeed need to FIGURE this one OUT and it's bugging me. It's essentially another chapter that's a part of a larger work (not naming names not pointing fingers but it's. The Work I'm Having Trouble Updating) and it was written a looong while back, which is why it's now a standalone file. I love the premise but I kinda want to tear it down and rebuild it entirely, mostly because I'm still deciding on whether I like the way I wrote the backstory for it. So. It's fun! It's challenging! It's giving me a migraine! The title's from this song about a tired traveler trying to find his way in the night. It's three conversations (Steve+Nat, Nat+Bucky and Bucky+Steve - although they barely talk at all) that happen in the night after a very not lucid, injured Don't-Call-Me-Bucky who's recently remembered the Red Room and also had a pretty rattling encounter with the code words seeks Natasha out in Europe for [redacted] something as a last resort, but instead accidentally walks straight into Steve who he's been staying away from like the Devil Himself since CATWS. And then basically bleeds all over him. (I am not immune to the wound care trope! However, this is unfortunately not that.) A lot of ugly feelings and defense mechanisms are brought up, some painful memories re: the war and the Red Room are brought up, and nobody's having a good time or really knows how to process jack shit. They all communicate/perceive love&protection in wildly different ways, and while all three dynamics end on some kind of natural conclusion it's still a lot of unfinished, unspoken business and just kind of sad. Hurt no comfort that's necessary for there to be the promise of comfort in the future, if you will. Tbh, I really want to finish/reincorporate this one. But it's just so *screams into paper bag*. Anyway. Snippet:

When Steve wakes up the next morning Bucky’s gone, like he knew he would be. Like a hurricane passing through, the foreknowledge doesn’t make the aftermath any easier. And then what? his own voice from so long ago echoes in his head as he waits for the water for Natasha’s tea to boil in the sunny little kitchenette of the motel’s lobby. 16 hours later, he’s watching the blinding stripe of the sun setting over the East River before the plane maneuvers onto the landing strip at JFK. The hell else? Then we march on, ace. We go home.

2. what's a nice nutcase like you doing in a place like astoria 1203 - oh good, thank god! So this one is a bit more fun, but it's only got a few disjointed half-scenes so far. The title is actually one of the most literal ones on the list - the fic does take place in Astoria, Queens, and it does involves a certain "nutcase". Several, even. They really don't get along, and then they almost do.

(Blame my recent rewatch of the Netflix shows for this one. Man. What a golden age that was.)

Excerpt under the cut:

It was easy to clock the combat training before, sure, but up close this guy’s… Keyed up. Wild-eyed, a little, and not in the twitchy way of the three idiots piled up outside by the ruined water hydrant, not just sheer adrenaline stoked by fear and booze and coke. More dialed-in, purposefully ruthless. Hungry. Getting up with an expression like an enraged bull in spite of the beating he just took. Nutcase, Barnes thinks bleakly. Not that he’s in any position to judge — glass houses, all that, but — “What’re you,” he croaks, “some kind of psycho?” “Says the guy who just mowed down six guys without blinking." The man spits, grimacing at the blood that lands on the stark white of the rooftop like it personally offends him. If he notices the similar spray across his busted face, his clothes, his military-short hair, he doesn't seem to give a damn. "Nice going, by the way— my man got away." "And my man's bleeding out on a fucking pool table downstairs," he grits out. He doesn't have time for this. This whole night has been one giant exercise in unpredictability, and the police sirens echoing off in the distance are problem enough without him having to duke it out over and over with some local homicidal moron who might or might not be HYDRA. "You wanna tell me what that's about?" The man levels an irritated look back at him and then shrugs, dismissive. "I don't play with my food." "Your food had intel I've been hunting for two weeks." "Tough shit. Maybe if you hadn't screwed up your goddamn trig—" His lip curls of its own volition, affronted despite himself. What an appropriate time for his ego to announce it's back from the dead and in the mix. How fun. “The hell I did. I don’t miss.” "Is that right? There's some real screwed up drywall down there that says otherwise." His voice picks up an edge of something dangerous, aiming for threatening and landing on feral as he takes a step closer, and Jesus, can he stay down already? "Unless you did it on purpose to let him know I'm coming because you work for the bastard, in which case lemme tell you, you and me have a whole different problem." "I don't work for anybody," he says, probably with more intensity than strictly necessary. "He was a civillian. I don't kill civillians." The words curl acerbic on his tongue. He doesn't. He doesn't. That, of all things, makes the man laugh, a bitter little thing that sounds like it clawed its way out of his throat, and only barely. Who the fuck is this guy. "Oh Jesus Christ, not this bullshit again— how many of you assholes are running around this place, huh?" he says, gesturing a little wildly at him. "You got a fancy catsuit under that hobo getup, too?" It's Barnes' turn to look at him like he's a few marbles short, which judging by all evidence he very well might be. The guy snorts at his confusion, shaking his head. "If you consider that criminal piece of dog shit a civilian, you’re way more out of your depth than I thought, kid.”

but also:

“Self-righteous, God's sacrificial lamb type-of-shit," he mumbles around the mouthful with distaste, staring off across the bridge. "Got himself a stupid fucking title and everything, if you can believe that. Major pain in my ass.” Barnes hums, considering, before taking a cautious bite of his own sandwich. The thick pile of fatty meat and melted cheese breaks apart in his mouth easy with a sudden, almost overwhelming explosion of flavours, his empty stomach singing praises despite the ache in his bruised jaw as he chews. He never thought he’d say this, but god bless Queens. “Catholic?” Castle grunts an affirmative. “Yeah, I have some experience with that.”

#thanks for the ask<3 #one of these days I will learn how to make these normal length. not today though lol enjoy! #booksandabeer #tag game #my fic #asks #wip tag game

[the-words-we-sung]

Thoughts and pictures - S3E2

Here we go for the rewatch of S3E2 (sorry in advance, it might get long ^^')

The new rules at Hillerska are pretty dumb and way too severe. And this phone policy is so stupid: how are these 2 horny boys supposed to survive? :p

So on one hand, online hate is about Simon not being good enough for Wilhelm, and on the other hand, it's about Wilhelm who should not have said anything in his speech because he's betraying the school. Though Wilhelm is not reading the online comments like Simon, and the attacks are less personal and vicious. Seeing Simon read through everything was so painful, I just wanted to go kick the ass of everyone who dared be a bully so this lil' muffin.

Gosh the third years are over the top: "three years here and we get nothing", just because they can't have a proper graduation and all the parties and stupid stuff they wanted to do before graduating? I guess that it's frustrating but compared to the real issues that are being raised about the school, it sounds very very superficial... August is way more reasonable than Vincent about it: the issue is not that they won't have a graduation (even if they don't have the party, they will still graduate high school) but that the school might close, thus sending them all to other schools before the end of the term. Vincent is an idiot.

"Why can't she call me?". Episode 2 and Wilhelm is already heartbroken because of his mother.

Farima doesn't believe Wilhelm about his initiation, look at her face! But it strikes me that her main concern if he did go through this awful initiation is that it would look bad for the Royal Court to keep him here, and not at all about his well being and how traumatizing it would have been!! The adults in this show are the worst... And nobody cares about Wilhelm (except Simon) 💔

"He's such an attention whore". Another ass that needs to be kicked!! How dare they talk about him like that?

Simon keeps being bullied and Wilhelm pressured: if they close the school, it'll be his fault. Why is everyone so mean and terrible to them?

The Felice interview makes me so mad!! And it reminds me of the interaction between August, Simon and Wilhelm back in season 1 when August tells them how nice it is that rowing bring students together, with no regard for their ethnicity, background, etc. Which made Simon super mad too. I love the switch from Felice in the office with her strained smile to her angrily throwing punches during gym class. Excellent cinematic!

Micke and Sara: I'm still so surprised to see him act so well.

This freaking blonde girl from the choir: I hate her 😡 She was the one slut shaming Felice in season 2. Now she's complaining about the point of training for a song if they're not sure they'll be performing. You're annoying and mean. I don't like you 😤

But Simon's face when Wilhelm joins the choir 💜💜

I love this little scene so much: they are just so cute and in love. Like you can feel how much they love each other: they're literally glued together, kissing and then just keeping their faces so so close to each other while talking. It just feels so true to life, when you love someone so much that you just want to stay as close as you can, just touching each other in any way you can, never letting go. Also I just love how Simon loves Wilhelm. How clingy he can be.

So the scene between Nils and August: we know that they were victims of this awful initiation but I'm realizing now that we don't know if they ended up being beaten up and made fun of because they got an erection? I've seen several posts of people discussing that August could be queer because he had a reaction to the porno (which I don't agree with, I don't think that it can be taken as an indicator of someone's sexual orientation). But we don't know if he had a reaction, do we? Or am I misunderstanding/missing something?

Wilhelm is so angry with August. Yeah his reaction in the library can be seen as a little over the top ("don't talk to him!") but I understand his anger. And okay, the way we go from the fight to both of them sitting silently in Boris' office is comedy gold :p I'm almost frustrated that the fight was so short though, I wanted Wilhelm to get some good punches in!! These mediation talks: I'm not sure how I feel about them. On one hand I get that the Court wants them to get along, but on the other, August did something truly awful and traumatizing to Wilhelm. So if he doesn't want to talk to him, to see him or to have anything to do with him anymore, well, it's his right! He shouldn't be forced to interact with him like that. Also I was a bit disappointed by Boris this season: he was so good during season 2 but I find him a bit underwhelming this season...

"I can be your revolution". Please can we get the song again in the last episode? The full version for a happy Wilmon who are a revolution together? Pretty please?

Simon giggling while reading the messages about his video is the cutest thing ever. And it's a tragedy that it was one of the only giggle we got from him this season 😫

Wilhelm is wearing a purple jumper when he listens to Simon's song. It's rare to see him wear purple, isn't it?

Linda still annoys me a bit this season. Like in this scene: no, don't ask your son, who's been betrayed so hard by his sister, to still care about her right now. He's angry at her, and rightfully so (I love love love that they let him be truly angry at her). She should understand that.

Rosh and Stella: yes please, I ship it! (Yeah I don't like Frederika so I'm all for a new potential love interest for Stella :p)

Also after 2 seasons where we regularly saw guys peeing outside, it's the girls' turn!! I don't know why but it made me laugh ^^

The conversation about their summer plans: this scene is so awkward!! And the tent scene that follows is just terrible 😭 Also hear me out: maybe unpopular opinion but I think Simon overreacted. Maybe from his point of view what Wilhelm is gonna do during summer is not working (because it's not the kind of job that him, Ayub and Rosh will have) but it's still working. Taking classes to become Prince/King is not gonna be a walk in the park, it's gonna be work for Wilhelm. It's terrible because I understand where Simon is coming from during their fight: telling Wilhelm that he never had to work to afford anything, that he's so incredibly privileged, it's so hard to be with someone who's from such a higher social status and be easily pissed off when they don't seem to realize it (what do you mean it sounds like I'm talking from experience.. 😅). Side eyeing Wilhelm hard with the shushing though. Don't talk to Simon like that >< (I would have stormed out if I had been Simon!) And yeah throwing the line about the settlement money was not nice (I've seen people being angry about it) but he's mad and got yelled at while he thought he was just trying to relate to and hang out with Simon's friends. So I understand throwing a mean comment there (I would have done the same 😣)

The "is it my fault?" breaks my heart. And so again: the crushing weight on Wilhelm's shoulders... His mother is unwell so he has to be strong, to be ready to take over, and on top of it, he has to keep it to himself.

Gosh season 3 is just things piling up on Wilhelm and Simon. Different things but still crushing them, slowly but surely...

#Young Royals #Young Royals season 3 #yr S3E2 #Wilmon #Prince Wilhelm #Simon Eriksson #my little thoughts #we are spoiled with the cute moments between Simon and Wilhelm this season #but gosh some of their scenes are hard to watch #their fight in the tent was terrible ;_; #I hate seeing Simon so sad all the time #and my Wilhelm being crushed so hard under the weight of the crown #I want better for them #I want them happy #(sorry again it got pretty long ^^" #but I put it under a cut this time #hopefully it's less annoying on your dashs!!)

[gouden-carolus]

I was curious what your favorite episodes and least favorite episodes of the series are for Gen Kill? And/Or favorite characters and least favorite for the series.

Oof, ranking the episodes is hard.

Given that the show is as short as it is, I usually rewatch the entire show when I feel like coming back to it (which is often, lol) rather than a selected few favourite episodes. Each episode serves its purpose as a part of the whole story really well, so it's really hard to pick out a least favourite. If forced to pick I'd probably go with Get Some, which pains me because it's still got a lot of great scenes. However, I only really came to appreciate it after I'd watched the rest of the show and that's not an issue I had with other episodes.

For favourite episodes I think I'd go with A Burning Dog, which I believe is a commonly held opinion. It feels like the turning point for several characters (maybe especially Nate), and I really like the way it's done. Combat Jack and Stay Frosty are also great episodes dealing with the build up and aftermath.

And my favourite character is Brad! Being the closest thing to a main character that we get I guess he gets an advantage of being more nuanced most others, but I just really like what we're given haha. I am very into characters who are skilled and competent at their craft, but also somewhat socially awkward in a way that means they never quite fit in with the rest of their group.

Least favourite character is Captain America for sure. Even if some of the stuff we're presented with is exaggerated to sell a story, there's just so much going on with him.

#looking at the episode rankings on imdb it appears that i'm in the majority for fave and least favourite episode haha #askbox #generation kill

[distopea]

5 Pieces of Fiction that Influenced You as a Writer and Why?

1 - The Departed by Martin Scorsese

I think it is probably my favorite Scorsese movie. I have watched it several times, and I can't hide that I have been profoundly influenced by it for the creation of my mafia world. I won't spoil the plot twist of the story, but it gives you good hints regarding the "harmless" looking like mafia in your neighborhood, along with the secret schemes going on and how everything can snow ball. 

I do believe that it's a very good modern representation of how the mafia has been working in the shadows and in the daylight. Plus, the performance of the actors and the scenario were right on point. It also gives a wonderful perspective regarding how it feels to be an undercover cop, or a spy for the mafia. Plus, the social "pressure" regarding your family affiliation and the expectations of crime lords because you were born in a certain neighbourhood is perfectly represented. 

2 - Journey to the End of the Night by Celine

To be honest, I was traumatized by this book when I was a teenager. It was the first time that I had faced the horror of war and how one tortured author who survived WWII could express his pain and traumatism through a vivid description of terrible events. Far from the usual heroism of the soldiers, reading this pushes you on an overly depressing journey with misery, PTSD, war crimes, cowardice and such... 

For me, this book was a life-changing one. It was an explosion of truth regarding an event that could never be fully exposed and Celine, the author, was truly so good at writing it. It sticks to you like a second skin, and it has pushed me to be more open regarding dark themes and to never underestimate the power of words whenever you wish to shamble someone through a story. 

3 - Hannibal by Brian Fuller

My favorite show, in every way possible. I have been following the show since it aired for the first time, and I was (I am) genuinely obsessed with it. I rewatch it every year. It's truly the most intimate depiction of Hannibal Lecter and his psyche, and I have also rediscovered Will Graham through the interpretation of Hugh Dancy. 

In the book, or in Red Dragon, Graham is far less complex. He's too morally good and there's no sensation of breaking point at all. In this hypnotical dance, not only crime and horror become artistically pleasant, but you support Hannibal through his journey. I can't express how much I find every dialogue and scene so intelligent, and years after the end of the show, I'm still surprised to discover new interpretations and implicit meaning. Truly a masterpiece. 

4 - The Shining by Stephen King

Yes, definitely a classic. We can't say the contrary, even if I'm a little bit lazy for picking such a well-known novel, I have my reasons for this one. It's not about the story at all, but there's something so good and addictive about watching how madness is perceived through the first person. 

What I really adore in this book is basically the inner thoughts of the character, Jack, who's slowly losing perception of what is morally acceptable and what is not. Paranoia is getting the best of his character, and all his flaws are expressed brutally, even if, as the "hero" of the book, he doesn't see what he is doing wrong. His slow change is truly impressive and definitely well written, which is quite inspiring whenever you want to write about someone who doesn't see his own troubles (just like Vex, Marlo, Diego and such...)

5 - Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Alright, that's my guilty pleasure right here. Whether we talk about the movie (with Keira Knightley), or the book itself, I have watched it hundreds of times and probably read it 5. 

I believe that Jane Austen had a gift for writing bold and impressive women, and the character of Lizzie still feels incredibly modern despite being written centuries ago. She's vivid, profound, mature and yet she has such a huge capacity for self-introspection and understanding of her own flaws. Her relationship with her father has always echoed the one I have with mine and I'm in love with her boldness, her freedom of mind and speech and her everlasting quest for culture, knowledge and humanity. This book has always been inspiring for developing my characters fully, twisting them into my little snow ball until they would feel just natural and palpable... Just like Lizzie can be. 

I'm also always inspired by the people creating around me, but I special shout out to my two pals Rain and Vera for that ❤️

tagged by : @nezumivc103221 (thank you!) tagging: @cantuscorvi ; @royaletiquette ; @tximidity ; @sansloii ; @nvrcmplt and whoever wishes to do it ✨

#⌇the jester leading the show ( 𝙊𝙊𝘾 ) #⌇playing all the aces on the table ( 𝙈𝙚𝙢𝙚 ) #; honestly I'm an obvious gal lmao #; nothing impressive about my knowledge or inspirations

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

saturday again no problem (a tuesdaypost retrospective)

sort of mixed feelings about this one bc, as we have previously chatted about, the august 2021-august 2022 period was one of the worst twelve-month periods of my life.

however! this year brought like six new tuesdaypost initiatives from other people (please shout at me in the comments or by DM bc my brain is broken and i don't remember all of you) and i DO want to take a look back at some media i enjoyed.

the normal format + some misc. stats below

listening

here are all the tuesdaysongs plus Permanent Peace by Jack de Quidt, who is not on spo/tify. this year gave me albums by: joywave, alt-j, unloved, scene queen, new doja cat, a bunch of junie and the hutfriends singles, and the gleeful insanity of the mcr tour. VERY good musical year imo

-

reading

this historically has been one of the more fallow categories, bc there is a level of background pain where it is quite difficult for me to read and viddy gaem is a better distraction.

could have sworn i read three cowboy novelizations this year but i can only find evidence that i read the sabata and red river novelizations. i have mixed feelings about the execution of Tom Lin's The Thousand Crimes of Ming Tsu and Silvia Moreno-Garcia's Gods of Jade and Shadow but do not regret reading either.

no particular comics or manga stand out in my fallible, forgettable brain this year. i am excited for the ongoing light novel and manga adaptation of Otherside Picnic but that's just from watching the anime

-

watching

happy that letterboxd is doing part of the thing i wanted (getting me to watch more movies) deeply annoyed i have fallen into the trap i was afraid of. this trap is: I Want To Make The Number Go Up and am now reluctant to watch tv bc i can't log it on letterboxd and it doesn't "count". fucking hate to gamify my own leisure like this!!!!

the very good thing about letterboxd is that my friends have excellent taste, and letterboxd reminds me which of the eight billion django knockoffs i have and have not seen.

GOD was january a good movie month. the below screenshot is movies i watched for the first time this year and really liked/have stuck in my head in some way, and 3/8ths were from january. thank u library streaming service kanopy

see letterboxd has taken such a big chunk of my Moving Images time that it was hard to remember that both peaky blinders and killing eve ended this year!!! and i rewatched several seasons of adventure time! and most of the first season of DS9! and i am now in the process of watching the vampire interview show with my sister!!!

-

playing

got a handmedown switch!

this year was mostly big open worlds that didn't require a lot of complex thought from me, or if they did require some puzzle solving it was in really short bursts. lion's share of the hours this year went to fallout 4, breath of the wild, and pokemon scarlet. i really loved junk shop telescope, depanneur nocturne, and card cowboy.

honorary mentions to phone games that kept my anxiety to a low simmer while in a lot of doctor's offices.

game im most hype for is probably the spooky fishing game Dredge, but i don’t think we’ll get that until early 2024. if anyone says the words "fallout 5" next year i will lose my mind bc i would like another one of these stupid motherfuckers before i die.

-

making

i think i'm going to mourn the old lair until i die.

i am deeply, deeply unhappy with how this year went both personally and professionally. made an apartment cozy. lost the cozy apartment. cleaned a whole bunch of metal. framed a lot of things. bought a whole bunch of furniture. still have moths.

hate to leave this post on this note however i really should have died twice this year and didn’t. so im trying to be nice to myself about the rest of it.

-

bonus stats

47/52 weeks posted

moves: 1 (assisted with two)

recipes failed: many

postcards sent: many

number of 1040s i will receive next month: 4

overnight trips: 2

day trips: 3

covid: +1

serious covid scares: 9

combined hospital and doctor's visits: don't worry about it

number of lamps: also don't worry about it what are you a cop

cats: +1

#tuesdaypost meta #tuesday again

[seddm]

Soo I started watching Star vs. again and I wanna share one of my after thoughts with you.

Mmkay so in Lint Catcher, Star was LEGIT serious in giving Marco the FARTHEST squiring job there is in the castle; for the SOLE PURPOSE of keeping him AWAY FURTHER from her. Only to end up appointing HIM her PERSONAL SQUIRE, which actually pulls them CLOSER to each other. Binding them in a VOW, of which Marco solidly accepted.

Boy, these two are literally 'will they, won't they' and while rewatching the show is both painstaking and heartwarming, I still do adore their journey so much.

Ps: it's been ages since I've been to tumblr. I am glad to see you still giving analysis and sharing your thoughts about a show. Hope ur doing well.

I'm doing fine, thanks!

Yeah, would have been better if more of the show had been "they did", rather than will they won't they...

Also, at this point I'm never going to finish the "relationship analysis" megaposts, but have what I wrote and never published for Lint Catcher, since you mentioned a number of themes from the episode.

Several images after the cut.

This episode (very briefly) marks the lowest point for Marco and Star’s relationship in the show, and becomes the beginning of a new arc for Marco, and for their relationship.

Following the events and realizations of Sophomore Slump (which are still a work in progress, Marco knows that he wants to try this new experience, but he hasn’t fully connected the dots between “Mewni” and “wanting to be with Star”) Marco goes back to Mewni, and Star’s greetings are... less than warm. Let’s make something immediately clear: Star is not reacting like that because Marco didn’t warn he was coming back to Mewni - she’s obviously not one to mind something like that, nor because he’s a bit entitled about wanting a better role than being Lavabo’s squire per se. The real problem is that he’s trying to come back into her life as if nothing changed, when in Scent of a Hoodie he broke her heart by not acknowledging her confession in the slightest and implicitly going “this is where our roads split, we’re going on our own journeys now”, when Star would have clearly loved to keep journeying with him, especially during such a moment of change in her life (which, as I mentioned, partially explains why she was so easily attracted back to Tom).

While talking about the end of Jarco and the beginning of Tomstar, Star and Marco quite literally descend to the lowest point (of the castle). The whole scene is clearly awkward and tense, and we know that Star and Marco are awkward and tense together only when there’s something they should talk about to fix things.

Could be just a joke about Lavabo and his interests, but it’s hard not to see some potential symbolism for Star and Marco being together again.

Marco’s objection is reasonable, but sounds also very entitled; and Star’s annoyance is reasonable, but it’s also absolutely not true that Marco never appreciates what Star does. They’re both far from being at their best and they have communication issues right now.

Just like she did in Bonbon The Birthday Clown, Star is trying to rationalize what she feels right now, Mind VS Heart. As I said the real problem is not that Marco came back asking for a job, but that he left Star to begin with (and not because Star ever demanded for Marco to forever be with her, but because he departed in a shitty way, without promising to see each other again, he was essentially running away from having to think too hard about what he wanted to do with Star and what her role in his life was), and Star is trying to blame it on something easier, more accessible and that doesn’t require her to look back at painful recent events or change the delicate new balance of her life.

A new balance that’s clearly sub-optimal, because even if she’s not actively crushing on Marco anymore (thanks to the events from Scent of a Hoodie and, especially, to Tom having provided an easy bandage), deep down she still wants him around.

As soon as the situation gets dangerous, Star and Marco shift back into “autopilot mode” and let their Hearts do the talking, and their Hearts go “You are kickass partners in crime and you can do anything together and love doing it together”, and this gives them the push they both needed to talk.

Marco apologizes, and Star explains (in a way, it’s not like she gives full point by point exposition since she herself isn’t aware about most of what it means) what the real problem is: after having defeated Toffee, Star decided to begin being a princess in her own way, doing something using her powers, and without Marco there to help her she was scared and had to turn her life around, resorting to Tom as a way to get some help (or at least she thought so, since she actually barely ends up involving him in her life during this season), because as I mentioned the person Star needs the most in her life is a companion who can help her feel more grounded and less overwhelmed, a “lifeline” in her crazy life of high stakes and goals. And with Marco’s return Star feared this delicate new balance she made for herself - a second choice balance - might have been ruined, making her feel once again as she did in Scent of a Hoodie. But that’s not the case obviously and she realizes it now, more or less unconsciously.

So what does Star do? She creates a “box”, the Squirehood Box, and puts Marco in it: if her bestie has a clearly defined role in her life it’s going to be easier for her not to feel confused about her own feelings, Tom has the BOYFRIEND label, Marco has the SQUIRE one. Obviously this is not going to work, as I’m going to mention talking about the next segment: if anything soon enough Star is going to start involving Marco in all the parts of her life that aren’t strictly “dating stuff”, feeling naturally attracted by him as a person, while Marco is going to sink deeper and deeper into this box that Star made for him, because it’s going to provide an easy if temporary way for him to conciliate his desire to be at Star’s side with the knowledge about his unrequited crush on her.

And given the dubbing vows (which are interestingly mixed with some wedding vows imagery) it was pretty clear since the beginning just how important Marco’s role in Star’s life is, and how he encapsulates all that is important to her, even if Star herself was unaware just how much she wanted him to be involved in this new life of her in this moment (as evidenced by her words in Trial By Squire, we’ll get to it soon).

I hereby declare that you, Marco Ubaldo Diaz, shall henceforth be my royal squire, to stay by my side in times of peace or danger, as my most trusted confidant and advisor. To go clubbing with me even when he's too tired, to share his late night nachos, but most importantly to be my very best friend so long as we both shall live. Amen.

The vows mention everything that’s important to Star: Marco’s role as someone who is there to advise and help her, but also someone who has fun with her, a peer, not a guide, and someone who is always going to be her best friend, because everything they share stems from their friendship before anything else.

And it’s clear that after this moment their relationship is fully mended, and even if the good ol’ Mind VS Heart disagreement is going to last until... well, Here to Help, they’re now truly able to pick up where they left off, the thing Marco hoped to be able to do at the beginning of the episode, something that is now possible because they both understood their own feelings a little tiny itty bit better. Still a long way to go, but an important and necessary beginning.

#seddm answers #seddm ramblings

[semifinel]

January - 2023

Games

High on life- not funny, not novel, pretty boring, enjoyable enough to finish once you get around the end but was about so close to dropping it a few hours in.

I don’t know if it makes sense but instead of being subversive it’s superficially subversive. It’s like “look at us we’re doing stuff differently” (this might be a direct quote) for all of like 2 seconds before going back to being the blandest shit I ever played. The 2 seconds aren’t even cool.

Tunic- deserves a game award, made me pull out sticky notes to decipher secrets. But it’s a wonderful game even if you don’t engage with the secrets (but they are amazing and you should). Talked several peoples ear off about it and will maybe do it again. I don’t know if I can add any praise that hasn’t been said before me. This game rocks.

Road 96- I saw a review calling it “it’s as if a taletell game didn’t want to waste your time” and honestly (as a taletell games fan) I see what they mean.

It’s fun, it’s intriguing, having to find a new way to escape each chapter, interacting with the characters and discovering the story that is happening around you- all were interesting.

I liked how locations felt very open sometimes. Some scenes are basically cutscenes where you have very little choice. While other are more open location where you can explore backrooms and get rewarded with resources for your journey.

As a game who prides itself on being on being procedurally generated you’d think it would lend itself for replayability but second time around I was bored going through mostly same scenes as my first playthough. Even with the selecting different options they would mostly got he same way, made me wish there was more option I could do sometimes but it’s a game and can’t let me do everything ever so I don’t blame them for that.

If found- a queer story wonderfully told with an interesting mechanic, beautiful art style and music. I am the target audience for this and I enjoyed it lots.

Story hit me hard, the eraser mechanic surprisingly kept me focused while being just like wonderful way to keep the story moving, especially with how it was used to transition certain scenes.

The credits song slaps hard.

And the Ireland trivia is very cool actually.

Hi Fi rush- for the lack of a better term, it’s so fucking cringe. The most uninspired story and cast, every cliche and trope ever rolled around into one painful story. They try to use like jokes that make no sense and then they are like “isn’t it funny that it doesn’t make sense” - no it’s not

It’s as if they wanted to recreate the feel of Deadpool 2013 game only the main character is the most main insufferable anime boy character also the year is 2023 and nobody told the writers.

They had one good joke and it’s in the trailer and it’s about the writers of the game and not a ingame thing. The trailer starts with *freezeframe* “you gotta be wondering how I got myself here” and it kept going about the same level of humor.

Game mechanics wise it’s actually interesting and even fun! Chaining combos to the rhythm of a beat is actually cool (even if I kinda suck at it). I wish it was in a different game tho. Why can I guess every characters whole deal without hearing them. Why is there a character who’s just a jojo reference and the reference is look he does poses and got Japanese letter floating around? Why is the only time that I felt joy about the story in game is when the main character got hit so he shut the fuck up. At least the naming conventions of chracters is fun. If I could play this game on mute just so I didn’t need to hear the story I would but it’s a rhythm game so :/

Movies

Puss in boots- slaps, watch it

Glass onion- slaps, watch it

Predestination- it was a rewatch and honestly it’s not only fun cause you can see all the hints and joke they drop early before you know the twist that would go over your head. But it’s also fun since I watched it with a bunch of people who never watched it before and seeing them trying to guess what’s going on and then figure it out in real time was a blast. Span off my favorite in joke of the day with that group.

Akira- I can see why it’s a certified classic. I don’t know why there is a man having a asthma attack as a leitmotif in the soundtrack but it slaps.

Disclosure- been told by my friend I should watch it, I watched it, I would have watched it earlier, you should watch it.

Shows

Mob psycho s1- I’m rewatching it (watched season 1 and 2 and want to remember all before I go into season 3) as a watch party with friends and I’m having a blast. Missed my boy my son.

The last of us- so far- I could talk how it reignited my love for it, and how I forgot how cool is the specific way they made zombies, and how much I missed all the creature design. But episode 3 just came out and I’m weak. Good adaptation I was skeptical before it came out (I mean a video game adaptation,, you know how it usually goes down) and also didn’t get why does it need to exist. However good show so far love it love it love it.

#high on life #tunic #if found #road 96 #hi fi rush #puss in boots #glass onion #predestination #akira #disclosure #mob psycho 100 #the last of us

[marshmallowprotection]

I would like to tell you something. I am a person who loves Saeran very much, as well as his route and after finishing, I feel quite satisfied that I helped him to get his happy ending. I just want to protect him and tell him every day how much I love and admire him. However, there was a moment when my love for him broke, I don't know how to say it, I couldn't love him like I used to, it felt so weird and painful.... Do you know why? 5 months ago I wanted to play his route again and when Suit Saeran arrived with his insults and everything.... Specifically in the scene where he grabs my shoulders and says he's capable of killing me something in me snapped.... And it's the strangest thing that ever happened to me! I had played the route several times before and although his words hurt me at the time they didn't affect me as much as they did 5 months ago. I couldn't stop hearing his insults in my head; that I'm worthless, that I'm dumb, stupid, that I annoy him, that he hates me, etc. I felt really bad. When I was with GE Saeran and he was treating me sweetly a part of my brain was telling me that he was lying to me, that he doesn't really love me and that as soon as I turn around he will hurt me :'(

I seriously had a really hard time during those 5 months, I just wanted to imagine cute scenarios with him but I always came back to see Suit yelling at me and ruining everything. I came to the conclusion that I was too scared of him (I was scared to be scared of him! I love him so much).

I understood everything that was happening to him and I sincerely forgave him.

All this made me question many things: did I really forgive him? do I love him? does Saeran love me?

I tried to solve it: playing the route, watching fanarts, reading fanfics and your blog of course! everything that would help me to love Saeran like before and it didn't work....

So I had no choice but to give myself some time, yes, I had to stay away from Saeran for a while to see if I could calm down and get those negative thoughts out. I tried to do other things, think about other things.... I wanted to take some time for myself and understand myself.

Fortunately, about a week ago I started thinking about Saeran again. And guess what! All the fear I had of him vanished, I was happy again in my imagination with him! It was like finding peace. I know it all started with Suit Saeran and yes, it's completely valid to think that what he did to me was very wrong but I forgive him because I understand him and I want him to know that I love him as much as I love Ray. I rewatched the story mode when he asks for my forgiveness and all that fear I had for him went away and now I'm happy.

I wanted to tell you that haha and know what you think about it. I also want to tell you that I love your blog and I'm glad to read everything you tell about Saeran in all its versions. I hope you too continue to love him as much as I do. Take care!

I think it's perfectly justifiable to go through what you went through. You're allowed to be angry and upset with him about all the things that happened. He understands if you are upset with him and if you need time to come to terms with everything that happened.

If you want nothing to do with him, he would understand it 100%. He wouldn't push the subject or make you feel like you need to forgive him. He makes it clear when he apologizes to you that you don't need to accept his apology. He holds himself accountable and he promises to make things right. But, you don't have to forgive him immediately. You don't have to click that option if you don't feel ready.

I think that might be a healthy response for most people. He doesn't expect you to forgive him. He certainly doesn't forgive himself. He's going to be carrying what he did on his back for a long time. It isn’t until GE Saeran confronts his demons that he can forgive himself for what happened with Suit Saeran. It takes confronting the very things that brought him to be so angry in the first place for him to forgive himself after you have decided to forgive him. 

You needed time and energy to be able to confront all of your feelings about it. That is only natural. You needed time to come to terms with all of it. It makes sense. I'm glad that you were able to take some time away from him to think about why it made you scared and what you needed to think about to be able to be comfortable with him again.

I'm glad that you have him as a comfort character and that you have been able to make peace with the conflicts that happened. 

Saeran loves you. You should never ever doubt that. That fact will always remain unchanging until the end of time. He will love you anew just like every season. That's what his Love Song speaks to. It is a love that will only continue to grow every time the seasons come and go. 

#ask #anon #mod kait #suit saeran

[scribeoffate]

(for the DVD commentary ask)

Vernon doesn’t want to go in, the first morning he’s been told he has to return. He lingers outside the school while everyone crowds towards the door. It’s impossible not to scour the faces for his sister.

Impossible to go to school without her tugging away from his hand the instant she sees her friends. Bouncing, bubbling, happy.

The reality that he may never see her again settles around him, in a way it couldn’t at home. While the world seemed paused and distant.

Walking through the halls of the school, Alicia’s missing posters flapping against the walls hurts. It feels like she’s watching him like he should have been watching her.

Paired with;

He means it too. Scott cares about him.

It’s a lot to take in. Something he’d wanted for longer than he realizes. It’s nice, but it doesn’t feel like he’d imagined as a lonely child, watching Scott go back to his friends from a distance.

It’s enough, though. For now.

It seems like less later. When the vending machine stalls and Stiles buzzes in his ears. When Isaac has left him and the more familiar friend of loneliness settles around him.

When he hears Alicia’s voice. When her face wavers in his mind. When he smells the scent of Erica’s favorite perfume lingering in the air.

When the memories come flooding in and the guilt renders it impossible to breathe.

When the weight of responsibility crushes his chest, while he drowns in pain and grief.

He’d been watching. He’d been watching like he was always watching. When Alicia disappeared. When Erica took her last breath. When Derek fell to his death. When Scott had almost died to save all of them.

Maybe he’d always been watching and never paying enough attention.

These two passages are also in my fic: From a Distance. Some more context and another passage from that story can be found here. I am not going to cut it- but be aware I will be frankly discussing suicide and suicidal ideation in this answer.

Two of the things I really wanted to explore in this fic were Boyd and Alicia and Boyd and Scott. In the first passage, I'm really trying to wrestle with what it must have been like for Boyd to go back to school after Alicia had just disappeared. Canon gives infuriatingly little about that trauma. And it was impossible not to think about Boyd and Erica's own missing posters ten-ish years later when writing about that.

Most of the time I write in a very chaotic-whee! let's see what happens sort of manner. This was a much more deliberate piece. And I really thought the theme of Boyd always watching but never really feeling like he was a part of anything was important to explore.

I rewatched Frayed, Motel California, and Currents several times during the process of writing this fic. One of the things that really stood out to me in Motel California is that neither Boyd, nor Scott really seem to fight the urge to suicide. Ethan tries not to cut himself, Isaac hides under the bed. Boyd actively participates in his own drowning- going so far as to put a safe no one else could remove on his chest. Scott softy asks "what if is him?" while holding the flare.

In Ice Pick- Boyd clearly states that he wants to be like Scott. And I played on that for Boyd's perspective on the bus scene in Frayed. Boyd really doesn't care if trying to kill Ethan and Aiden gets him killed. The anger is too overwhelming until he realizes that Scott would back his play if he has a plan- that Scott *trusts* him and Boyd hasn't felt trusted in a long time.

And it's a kind of a realization for Boyd that maybe he's done as much to keep himself distant as others have. That maybe he's been sitting alone at lunch by choice. That maybe even though his only friend is dead he belongs in more ways than he thinks. Which, of course, makes it even more tragic when he tries to suicide in Motel California and just so much worse when he survives that only to die in Currents.

I really want to highlight just how tired Boyd is by now and how that also parallels with Scott. Only when Scott tries to suicide he's surrounded by friends and when Boyd does he's alone- rescued only after it's almost irrevocably in motion. But rescued all the same.

Thank you so much for sending this. I really love how this fic turned out so I was thrilled to get two asks about it.

Game

#teen wolf #scott mccall #vernon boyd #ask game

[troglobite]

okay calmer but also kind of extensive but hopefully not THAT extensive Thoughts abt t/d l/sso

we are well into s2 now in our rewatch

we watched a few eps tonight

and we ended w the ep where we have ted finally talking to the doc, and crucially, where trent runs into ted at the crown and anchor.

okay. so.

thoughts & observations in no particular order, but a lot calmer now that i'm not screaming and ranting (literally) and kicking walls (almost literally) and dripping sweat bc i'm so worked up abt everything (unfortunately also literally, not an exaggeration)

okay so first of all, nate's treatment of colin in these eps makes me 100 times angrier knowing now what we do abt colin. devastating.

also, though?

when nate insults him, after colin comes in to check w him and see if he's done anything wrong to annoy him, nate says "jamie and dani are like picasso and gauguin" and colin responds "...pedophiles?"

this. is actually so fucking important?

nate, aggressively straight and domineering here, uses this comparison favorably.

colin, timid and gay, calls out these straight artists for what they are: fucking creeps.

A GAY MAN GOT TO CALL OUT STRAIGHT MEN FOR BEING NASTY FUCKING CREEPS.

THAT IS REALLY SUBTLE AND REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT.

and it's also such a great way for him to accidentally completely undermine nate's point.

that is. fucking incredible writing.

additionally, idr when it was, but roy calls colin a chameleon, right? not in the eps we just watched, but at some point.

colin coming into nate's office--i think will? or someone? bumps into him "sorry i didn't see you" "camouflage!" lol

haha funny

except.

as others have pointed out, colin blends in.

he is literally in the closet. that is literally his hope and goal and purpose. to blend in. to fit in. to fade into the background a bit.

he says to trent in amsterdam, "i don't wanna be a spokesperson."

and here nate is, saying he's not an artist. his work doesn't hang in museums. it hands in a holiday inn. covering up a bloodstain.

that is such a painful way to describe what colin is doing.

and it's not that he's not himself! we ALSO see him go out w the team, sitting between isaac and sam, singing all the words to a song they didn't expect him to know! he has friends, he is himself.

but as he says to trent (and as he's told doctor sharon), he can't combine his two lives into one.

no matter how much they're friends, he's not entirely himself with them, bc he can't be. or he's afraid to be--and justifiably so.

ALSO.

colin is the only one we see repeatedly talking to doctor sharon. they genuinely were setting that up. "i am a strong and capable man." i love him dearly.

but anyway--

my point is. all of this stuff abt how colin blends in. he fades into the background. he's not important. they all lose their minds when zava leaves, and colin's the one that he replaced. and with zava gone, colin's back on the pitch, and everyone criticizes the choice.

it's. so frustrating! and hurtful!

and all of this shit abt him blending in and how he doesn't want to stand out or be a spokesperson.

and i just think. ....maybe it would be good for him to stand out. to shine. to get positive attention. he doesn't have to be a spokesperson. but he deserves....something.

anyway the only other person we see talking to and abt the doc is ted.

the team really appreciates her. she sees the entire team early on. but ongoing? it's mostly colin. and ted.

[stares]

additionally, i was very excited to see trent at the crown and anchor, bc i hadn't realized at all that he was on a date, as several people have presumed.

and i was like "oh i wanna see! i wonder if he is! who's the guy?"

well turns out is a fucking clone of ted but with glasses and stripes.

the scene plays out like this

ted alone at the bar

mae says

"if music be the food of love, give me excess of it" (which does skip the "play on" part)

those are the opening lines of twelfth night.

a play in which orsino, the man who speaks those lines, thinks he's in love with this one woman, but then a different woman comes to him in the disguise of a man, and whoops they fall in love instead. (this is, without a doubt, the most bisexual play in shakespeare's canon. and that's saying something.)

then they hard cut to trent about to leave the bar, but he spots ted, pauses, and turns to his date and says oh sorry i'll just be a second, i'll be right out.

i paused to look at this man.

notable mustache (made so prominent that it was the first thing i noticed abt him--it's literally a styled handlebar mustache)

same exact parting of his hair as ted, and beginning to bald in the same ways

a collared shirt which is worn

underneath a light sweater

the only difference? his glasses.

and then trent walks over

"of all the pubs in the world!"

[stares]

also, trent?

trent's wearing what he always wears: a band t-shirt. literally such a notable detail of his outfits whenever he shows up that it's how ppl identify and talk abt him.

"if MUSIC be the food of love, give me excess of it"

[stares even more]

we also get jamie and roy interactions that are Delicious.

oh wait actually i do want to return to colin real quick.

beard hears what nate says to colin and tells him to apologize because it was "weird and personal"

[STARES]

nate does apologize

but as he's doing it, the team joins in to describe him w insults in order to convey what it was he was being to colin. a dick, an asshole, a cock, a....something butterfly, idr, that last one was dani. lol

but this includes isaac, jamie, dani, and....i wanna say zoureaux/van damme. idr.

but it's just. colin told them what nate said.

and they backed him up.

and then when colin forgave him, they ALL forgave him.

god. i just. i want colin to be okay. idk what i want this show to do w his storyline, but i just want him to be okay. i have to believe he will be. the team truly love each other.

also detail: i haven't forgotten that HIGGINS suggested the problem was ted and that they should look into getting different players. they got zava, that was a winning streak but a Problem.

and then ted came up with total football on his own, and now, bc of the lasso way, it's WORKING. and that's ted.

i LOVE this.

okay back to roy and jamie.

we just saw in s3's latest ep that jamie was UPSET abt not being able to switch roles w someone else! he WANTED to learn and have fun! he was sad and disappointed that he couldn't be trained and included in the same way. :(

that's such incredible growth. as others have pointed out, in s1 he says, "coach, i'm me. why would i wanna be anything else?"

TO HAVE FUN! TO CONNECT W YOUR TEAMMATES! TO LEARN! TO GROW!!!!!

i love this FUCKING show. it is SO IMPECCABLY WRITTEN!!!!

so back here in s2 where we are, jamie wants roy to coach him, bc roy refuses to. he's begging. he'll do anything roy wants, he just wants to be coached. and he's right! it's unfair! (and roy hilariously says to dock his pay by 4% since he's not technically coaching the whole team lol)

which is a GREAT fucking set up for s3 when jamie wants to be better than zava, and ROY OFFERS TO COACH HIM ON HIS OWN AT 4 AM. EVERY DAY. (and as others have pointed out, he notes that 4 am is the time when ppl are least expecting anything and therefore easiest to take by surprise. lol)

an INCREDIBLE turnaround for him, as well. OFFERING to coach jamie, bc now he sees that jamie MEANS IT! he's committed!

they're genuinely growing closer and i love it. it's so sweet.

ALSO there was a callback to this s2 ep in the latest s3 ep!

i had totally forgotten abt it

but roy's coaching advice is that jamie is too nice and timid of a player now, when what would help them win more is him being a prick, again. "so i can go back to being a prick?" "no, only sometimes."

how will he know? he'll get a signal.

what's the signal?

flipping him off, giving him the middle finger. lol

that never comes up again--

UNTIL

THIS LATEST EPISODE.

where jamie has Thoughts abt total football and the team's performance, and he says "yeah i have some thoughts but i don't wanna sound like a prick"

so everyone--starting w colin possibly???--flips him off, TELLING HIM TO BE A PRICK. GIVING HIM PERMISSION.

i had FORGOTTEN abt that in s2!!! in context in s3 while having forgotten the original source of flipping him off, it just read as funny to me, like they were insulting him and implicitly offering him permission.

but no, that's their signal: jamie, go ahead and be a prick, it'll help us win/do better.

I LOVE THAT.

other things i loved abt roy and jamie in these s2 eps

we get the ep where keeley Loses Her Fucking Mind bc roy is unknowingly being overbearing and clingy.

I MAINTAIN THAT SHE SHOULD'VE APOLOGIZED FOR SCREAMING AT HIM AND NOT JUST TELLING HIM IMMEDIATELY.

as an autistic with extreme trauma around that kind of shit, she SHOULD HAVE APOLOGIZED. one of the few things i think the show Got Wrong.

the rest of the resolution was great, though. and roy expresses his feelings very well.

HOWEVER

it's jamie who incidentally offers the perspective he needs to figure out his relationship w keeley. lol

"all due respect, coach, but that's not what he needs from me. what he needs is for me to give him space."

and then of course the iconic

".........FUCK!" and storm off. lol

but i love that! legitimately, all those roy/jamie truthers out there, i mean, I FUCKING GET IT! I SEE IT!

THEY PUT ROY IN A FUCKING RICKSHAW WITH PRIDE FLAGS AND RAINBOWS ALL OVER IT WHILE A LOVE SONG PLAYED AND THEN HE RETURNED TO TED QUOTING EVEN MORE ROMCOMS AT HIM

like i'm fucking sorry. REALLY???

and then jamie always being there for roy w relationship woes. like REPEATEDLY.

and jamie being mature abt his feelings for keeley

jamie being there to comfort roy when they broke up

i'm just

[STARES]

it truly is wonderful and compelling.

also i am still hung up on trent talking abt the 3 things and wondering what the fourth thing is, and then telling ted--like a dork--that the fourth thing doesn't matter, bc the lasso way has all been leading up to this total football thing and they'll perfect it.

and of course it's also abt his book, bc that's the clarity and overenthusiastic rambling of a writer going OH MY FUCKING GOD FINALLY I KNOW WHAT MY CORE THESIS IS lol

and i'm truly. TRULY.

entirely hung up

on them walking onto the pitch for training

the three of them (coaches) pass by trent on the sidelines

and ONLY TED

says

"hi, trent"

to which he responds

"hi, ted"

also at the crown and anchor, after the quote from twelfth night that introduces trent who was on a date with a man who looked exactly fucking like ted, at the end of their exchange, trent says, "love our chats"

I'M SURE YOU DO, BUD.

I'M SURE YOU FUCKING DO

like here's the thing.

ted mentioned being straight exactly ONCE in the ENTIRE show.

now--that would be nothing, normally! a statement of something that is already presumed!

but.

it was in the context of--oh my fucking god i'm going to lose my fucking mind i just realized

okay not only was it in the context of--like okay hang on.

the whole speech he gives is about how he settled on his mustache.

he says

"as a straight white male in kansas and in sports and who's afraid of needles, my modes of expressing individuality were limited"

he mentions being straight as a fucking prison

not as a casual thing, but as a LIMITATION ON THE AVAILABLE WAYS FOR HIM TO EXPRESS HIMSELF.

the story continues--he chose some rancid facial hair, thought it looked great, but then beard said, and i quote, "it looks like you just ate bigfoot's ass"

and roy says "more like ass-squatch. i hate what you've done to me."

eating.........ass............OKAY THEN. in the same ep where beard talks abt how jane wants to try pegging. alsdkfj alsdkjfljdsklf

ANYWAY.

he concludes this tale by explaining WHY he's been talking abt it.

"sometimes the right answer is hidden underneath a few other things."

something to that effect.

basically, the truth and the right choice and what will work is hiding behind various layers of other things that you have to get through first.

THAT'S what he says in the same story where he OPENS by saying he's STRAIGHT and that HETEROSEXUALITY IS A PRISON?!!?

here's where i am with everything

i spent 2 seasons subconsciously ignoring all of the queer stuff bc i fully was like "there's no way this show would actually do that."

i have been burned and queerbaited too many times in my life.

i am now firmly in the camp of "that bitch gay" said for fun at various shows, and sometimes they go there, but most of the time, they don't.

and i just enjoyed ted lasso so much that i didn't even say anything.

until season 3.

where on the second or third episode, i literally said "i think ted and trent should end up together."

i had no proof.

i just liked The Vibes.

and i was like "haha wouldn't that be fun."

and then the show said

HEY GUESS WHAT EVERYONE'S FUCKING QUEER ALSDKJFALSDKJFALSKDJ

so now i am retroactively losing my fucking mind.

this show has a "throwaway" line in one episode that then comes up FIFTEEN EPISODES AND ONE FULL SEASON LATER.

their commitment to the bit is INCREDIBLE. the episode "rainbow"--

they have an episode all about romcoms. quoting as many as possible. the framing of the episode's entire plot is like a romcom. all of it. and they chose to call it rainbow and make the song, which is emblematic of the episode, is she's like a rainbow.

and in that episode, ted says "things will always work out in the end. not in the way you expect or want, but it'll always work out."

AND I AM JUST !!!!!

like their signal to jamie being flipping the bird. keeley and rebecca and "i'm going to reapply my lipliner". the boxes that nate makes with his niece (who we've finally met!).

like ALL of that matters! all of that comes back around!!!

all of these details are relevant and matter, and EVERYTHING is deliberate.

colin wearing camo and joking that that's why someone literally didn't see him. colin, a gay man, being the one to call out straight men for being fucking creeps.

NOTHING IS ON ACCIDENT IN THIS SHOW.

and so i just.......

the most bisexual shakespeare play is quoted AT ted.

it references music.

trent, notorious band t-shirt wearer, then walks up.

he leaves his date, a man who looks exactly like ted but just slightly to the left, to talk to ted.

ted lies to him abt his problems.

and trent says

"love our chats"

ted REPEATEDLY comments on the beauty and appearances of MULTIPLE men in the show.

the rainbow episode features him quoting romcoms at the whole team, but MAINLY roy--who ends up in a rainbow-covered rickshaw to carry out the romcom ending of rushing to the airport (stadium) to declare his love (that he agrees to coach).

ted's only reference to being straight is in a NEGATIVE light.

additionally, we got a couple other small things.

keeley mentions that jane (i genuinely think y'all are right that jane and jack are sisters) once followed her home to ask if beard and ted were shagging.

beard is VERY sex positive and unabashed abt all of that stuff.

he tells nate to not be "weird and personal" abt insulting colin, and to apologize to him.

nate and beard previously teamed up in s1 to talk to ted--and ted says, "are y'all here to tell me you're in a relationship?" and then says something abt being an ally, and beard looks annoyed (they were talking abt needing to bench roy)

in the latest s3 ep, ted says to roy

"look at that head'a hair. god had to take it away to make things fair."

y'know who else has a great head of hair?

trent.

y'know who's in the room that the camera keeps dramatically cutting to for reaction shots?

trent.

y'know what roy says to ted after this?

a grunt of agreement.

jamie literally teaches roy how to ride a bike. they commiserate over keeley and their various familial relationships.

also small thing but i DID notice that we NEVER see where roy lives.

he's either at his sister's place or keeley's. we literally don't know where he lives.

we even know where JAMIE lives, ffs.

and briefly, where beard lives. where rebecca lives. we've even seen dani's bedroom (briefly, after a nightmare abt earl the dog).

but we have literally never seen where roy lives.

and given the fact that he's still so Angry all the time. ....i just find it interesting. is that part of his growth?

also him being "clingy" w keeley--he's so attentive and loving.

and yet HE broke up w her.

and rebecca says to him, "she's going to see someone who thinks they deserve her."

implying roy thinks he doesn't deserve her.

and legitimately--like--roy also says he doesn't have nate's genius football acumen or whatever.

i really think he's battling his insecurity.

and jamie helps him w it, teaching him how to ride a bike, and letting him see a windmill.

roy doesn't like allowing weakness. or vulnerability. he HATED crying at his press conference announcing his retirement.

and i just.............

[stares]

idfk, man.

this show is fucking incredible. everything is so tightly, carefully written.

i still can't get over the fact that everyone saw ted react to colin and michael kissing in an alleyway and immediately went

"that's an older gay having That Reaction"

and it WAS.

and then MORE THAN THAT

that trent has said NOTHING abt it. "for months", as he put it.

and we were like

"well yeah, he's queer. you don't betray one of your own like that."

and what reason does he offer to colin for not outing him?

EXACTLY FUCKING THAT.

it just felt like being seen in such a real way. such a small thing but so genuinely fucking wonderful.

i previously just really enjoyed this show. i cried, i got invested. it was v nice!

but now my entire person is CONSUMED by this show because they MADE IT FUCKING GAY.

and it HAS BEEN GAY SINCE THE BEGINNING.

i just didn't allow myself to believe, to see.

EVEN NOW! I CAN'T SEE IT, SOMETIMES!

will was at that jazz club w higgins in amsterdam, and he's looking over at that couple making out.

and i'm like "ew why is he staring at that woman?"

HE WASN'T JUST STARING AT HER, HE WAS STARING AT HER AND HER BOYFRIEND

HE HAD A FUCKING THREESOME

like i'm just.

even now, i'm assuming things are straight.

fucking absurd. THE ABSURDITY OF IT ALL!!!

so, do i actually think ted might be queer? possibly! if it is true/canon, i think it'll be a late game reveal that sort of leaves implications for his future wide open.

do i think ted and trent will end up together? probably not. i still firmly think that ted ends up romantically alone or open at the end.

but i DO think that it'll come out that trent is fucking in love with ted. or at least deeply enamored with him. there's no other way that fucking plays out.

do i think that roy and/or jamie will come out? possibly! they've laid it on really thick w roy. i can see that happening. and yet still the majority of me is like "that's not fucking happening. there's no way they have more than one of the teammates and coaches be queer. no way." and yet!

and re: jamie, there's less implying that he's queer, i'll say that.

the only thing there really is is his relationship w roy.

do i think that THEY will end up together? probably not, but tbh, who fucking knows? i genuinely think the roy/keeley/jamie shippers ARE ONTO SOMETHING.

i now have no idea how far this show will go wrt queer rep. i just don't.

but like. .....

rebecca is For Sure straight. the way she talks abt men and women, she's straight.

same w higgins--though i would be money he had an experimental phase.

many of the team's players are definitely straight.

i think beard is straight but may have......strayed. not much, though, if he's unsure abt pegging.

nate is DEFINITELY straight.

and like--

all of these characters have said things in a casual, non-performative way to like, confirm their heterosexuality.

.....nobody else really has.

jamie hasn't. since s1 and the v beginning of s2, he's completely moved on from relationships.

there was keeley and then bex (which !!!!), and then one woman he slept w casually. then the dating reality show where he only slept with certain women as part of a strategy to win the reality show.

and ever since then? literally nothing.

roy hasn't. his reaction to keeley having a girlfriend is really calm. he mostly seems sad that she's moved on, and he's having complicated feelings abt it. but it's not the fact that she's bisexual--the way he and jamie react to that news seems to imply that they knew she was bisexual. which!!! to be fair!!! if i hadn't been afraid to believe in the queerness of certain characters, i ALSO would've known!

otherwise, roy has been really sensitive, kind, clingy, dorky and goofy, and fiercely protective of himself and others. and hasn't really otherwise said much abt anything re: other women. keeley is the only one we've really seen and heard abt.

there WAS phoebe's teacher. i think we were meant to get a hint of it when he walks into his office and sees a card from liza or something? but like. .....that's it.

ted hasn't. i know, he says "as a straight white male" in this latest ep. and he previously in s1 calls himself an ally. but. ......[stares] in context, those things don't necessarily confirm much. the amount that he compliments other men. NOW! TO BE CLEAR! he is v much not there for toxic masculinity (toxic positivity, yes, sometimes, but not masculinity). this could v much just be him being comfortable complimenting other men bc that's how he operates.

it just seems. Interesting. all of the things that he says, that are said to him, about him, around him. and the framing of certain things. and him saying straight was not in a "hi, i'm straight!"--it was in the way where........it feels relevant to his social standing, and not who he is, bc the things he lists and the environment he was in were literally limiting his ability to express himself.

and btw, the moment that beard tells him that his facial hair looks bad, like he just ate bigfoot's ass?

RIGHT BEFORE HE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE TO GET MARRIED.

that just.

that seems deliberate.

yes, we've mainly seen ted w women. absolutely. but, to me, the things he's said and done.........aren't really confirmation that we can or should rule out bisexuality. which is. WILD, to me.

anyway.

point being, idk how far the show will go. idk what's in store for the characters.

i know that next week's ep includes a "leak" that has implications for keeley.

i don't think it'll be abt her relationship. if it is, it'll be some shitty information abt jack.

but she's the PR manager for the team, still.

i worry that it'll be abt colin.

could be abt roy? idfk.

but i'm just.

i am along for this ride.

this show is so well fucking done i can't imagine NOT using it in classes to teach incredible screenwriting, and incredible visual storytelling. just absolutely amazing.

[cypress-punk]

Rewatched Goncharov last night and I am still struck by how effective this movie is at depicting the tragedy of the fall of the soviet union purely through imagery and metaphor. To also relate that to the Italian Years of Lead and the painful post war years of Italy is just a stroke a genius. You’d think Scorcese lived through both events personally. Also quite impressive to see not just a homosexual romance but also an out and proud trans woman who are all treated with great respect (if ultimately doomed to the same fate as the rest of the cast) from a film this old really goes to show that “he was of his time” is not an excuse. Not at all ashamed to say I cried several times watching this film. The rose garden scene got me really hard this time for some reason. Kind of a shame the film didn’t perform well financially because it is a true masterpiece. If Scorcese had continued making films like this instead of more straightforward mafia genre films the world of cinema would be richer by far.

#goncharov #martin scorcese