#i need to at least survive... at mid 30s um.

[backtothestart02]

The Girl in the Black Cadillac - 18/? | westallen fanfiction

A/N: THE GOODBYE CHAPTER. I hope you enjoy it! Just two more chaps to go!

...

Chapter 18 -

The next morning Barry woke to the sound of Sammy whining outside his bedroom door. When he opened his eyes, he was greeted to the sight of Iris cuddled up close against him, and the last thing he wanted to do was leave the warmth of her naked body to go take his dog out.

But he didn’t want a puddle on the floor either. Sammy was potty-trained, but she could only hold it for so long.

Restraining a sigh, he untangled himself from Iris, slipped into some tossed aside sweats and opened the door to his relieved retriever running for the backyard. Scratching the back of his head carelessly, Barry followed his dog and let her out, the whole adventure taking a grand total of five minutes.

He was about to head back into his bedroom when he spotted Iris in the hallway in one of his t-shirts. It went down to her elbows and mid-thighs and made him nearly growl with possessiveness. She looked so good.

“What’s going on?” she asked, rubbing her forearms.

Her furrowed his brows, concerned.

“Just taking Sammy out for her morning bathroom break. Are you cold? You look good in my shirt.”

Iris felt heat rush into her cheeks with the way he was looking at her.

“It was the first thing I spotted. I didn’t want to get into my festival outfit just yet. I have to get it back to Linda anyways. It’s hers. So, I have to go back to your parents’ place first to get into a different outfit, so I don’t walk out of Linda’s shop naked, and-” She took a breath as amusement colored his face. “I just kinda wanted a lazy morning with you.”

His heart swelled inside his chest. That was all he wanted too.

But work…

He looked past Iris to the clock on the wall and felt some relief.

“It’s 6:30,” he told her. “We have some time before I have to go into work.”

Her heart dropped.

That’s right. Before he had to go into work. To fix her car. So she could leave.

So she could leave.

Because she had to leave.

She had to.

“I know,” he said, coming to her and holding her hands. “I can’t stop thinking about it either.” He paused a beat, then asked what he’d been wanting to since she came home with him. “You’re sure you can’t stay?”

She shook her head.

“You know I can’t, Barry. You saw my dad. He’d be furious. Even if I put my foot down, I swear…I swear he’d swing me over his shoulder and carry me back home himself.”

“But what if he didn’t,” Barry pushed. “What if your dad wasn’t an obstacle?”

“You planning on hiring a hit man, Barry?” She raised an eyebrow. “Because I’m not paying for it.”

“You know I’m not, Iris. Just…pretend for a minute with me here.” He squeezed her fingers gently. “If your dad wasn’t opposed, would you stay? Do you want to? For you.”

She sighed and dropped her hands.

“I don’t fit in, Barry. I could never be a small-town folk. Best case scenario is my dad does let me go, but he cuts me off. Then what? I don’t know how to do anything. If I don’t have my cards, I have no money. I’m broke, and my dad knows it. Who knows if I’d even be able to keep a job? I’m a tourist, not a hard worker. You think everyone here despises me now? They’d come to hate me after they see what I’m really like. I couldn’t stand that. I was born for city life. I don’t know anything else. I can’t survive without my dad’s safety net.”

Barry mulled that over.

“It would be hard,” he allowed, “but not impossible. We could get you your own place or you could stay with me. Linda likes you, and my parents undoubtedly do. You were a hit with the vendors at the festival, and honestly all Cisco needs is an apology.”

She winced. “I suppose I do owe him that. It’s not his fault the AC was broken and the route he took had a ridiculous amount of speed bumps on it. First impressions aren’t everything, as you and I know very well.”

He smiled slowly. “Look at you, coming to see the error of your ways.”

She allowed herself a soft chuckle.

“But it’s a dream, Barry. I still don’t think I’m cut out to make a living in a small town. I’ve never had to support myself, and my dad wouldn’t allow it. You know that. He’d come storming back, and who knows what he’d do to you and your family? I’m certain he wouldn’t take me peacefully.”

“Then what do we do?” he asked, looking more sorrowful by the minute.

She reached up and pulled his face down to hers so she could give him a passionate morning kiss.

“We enjoy right now, this hour, before you leave and I say my other goodbyes. That’s what we have, Barry. That’s all we have.”

Reluctantly, he nodded. “Okay.”

She pulled away slightly after a moment.

“So, are you a good cook?”

His laugh was strained but real.

“I can make you some pancakes if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I think that would be-”

“Or french toast.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but he kept going.

“Sausage, eggs, bacon, some of the best dark roast you’ll find in the county. I bet it even rivals Central City’s best.”

Her eyes lit up.

“Now you’re talking.”

He grinned.

“I’ll have all of the above,” she declared.

He laughed again.

“That’ll take a while. Don’t you want some alone time with my…undivided attention?”

She smirked. “That’s what shared showers are for, aren’t they?” Her eyes sparkled.

He felt the heat simmering in his eyes. He knew he looked hungry, and not for the food he’d just described either.

“That is definitely what shared showers are for.”

He brushed his fingers over her arms, then cradled her face in his hands as he bent down to give her a sweet kiss on the lips. Iris melted into his embrace, spreading her fingers over his chest and hoping her pussy’s renewed moisture wasn’t going to drip down her leg onto the floor.

“We could take a shower now,” he breathed into her mouth.

“We should definitely take a shower now,” she agreed.

Without warning, Barry picked Iris up in his arms and carried her bridal style down the hallway and into the bathroom, shutting the door quickly just as Sammy was about to waltz in.

…

After sex in the shower and the tastiest breakfast meal Iris had ever devoured, the two dressed quietly for the day and headed outside after saying goodbye to Sammy.

“That is one cute dog,” Iris commented, not for the first time.

“You can come see her whenever you like,” he said before he could stop himself. He felt the tension that rose between the two of them and wished he could undo it. “Come see me whenever you like too,” he added before he could stop himself. “If you have a car. I’m sure Cisco wouldn’t mind picking you up and bringing you back. Just gotta ask him, after you apologize for being rude, of course.” He paused. “I don’t think he’d mind at least…” He frowned.

“Barry, Barry…” She hurried to cover his mouth with her hand. “I’ll miss you too.” Tears filled her eyes, but she blinked them away before they could fall. “Now, come on.” She pulled her hand away and intertwined her fingers with his. “You have to get to work, and I have more than one stop to make before you’re done fixing my dad’s car.”

“Right. Let’s go then.”

Barry squeezed her hand gently and strolled with her over to the auto shop. He pulled her to him for a kiss, but this time they didn’t get handsy and no one whistled. The shop was quiet and keeping busy. Barry figured Felicity had filled in the boys on the situation, so he wouldn’t have to endure any unnecessary frustration today of all days.

“I’ll see you in a few hours,” Iris said.

“See you in a few.”

They released each other’s hands at the last possible moment and turned away before they got lost spending the whole day staring at each other from afar.

Iris was the first to turn away. Cisco’s shop was right across the street, and she had some apologizing to do.

She strode the short distance away and lightly knocked on the glass door that was shut to the public. It was shortly after 8a.m., so it was possible Cisco hadn’t opened yet, but before Iris could abandon this venture to say she’d tried but well it hadn’t worked out, the door opened, and there stood a cheery-looking Cisco.

Until he saw who it was, and his face fell.

“Hello, Iris,” he bristled, trying to keep up appearances and failing miserably.

“Hello, Cisco,” she said weakly.

“What can I do for you?”

She took a deep breath, then steeled herself.

“I was hoping you could forgive me.”

He blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

“I owe you an apology.”

His jaw dropped.

“From the moment I met you, I was skeptical. I had…impossible expectations, and I blamed you for not being able to meet them. Then I continued to have a poor opinion of you due to our first interaction. You were just being friendly and doing the best you could under the circumstances. I shouldn’t have judged. I’m sorry.”

Cisco shook himself, then pinched himself to make sure he’d heard right. The pain throbbing in his forearm told him he had not imagined what he’d just heard. Iris West had apologized.

“Well, I…shouldn’t have objectified you,” he said, recalling how the first words out of his mouth when he first saw her was how hot she was. “It’s very unlike me. I’m sure that didn’t help the opinion you formed.”

She forced a smile.

“Forgive and forget?”

He extended his hand for her to shake.

“It’s forgotten.”

Her smile morphed into a more genuine one, and she shook his hand.

“I’m sorry I waited so long to make amends, Cisco. Who knows? We could’ve been friends in another life.”

“Wait. Are you leaving?”

She nodded. “Today. As soon as Barry finishes fixing my car. He got the parts in yesterday but neglected to use them because he wanted us to have our date.”

“You two went on a date?”

She giggled. “Uh-huh.”

Cisco shook his head.

“That boy doesn’t tell me nuthin’.” He lifted his head to look at her again. “I thought you two hated each other!”

Iris shyly tucked some curls behind her ear.

“We…uh…we did, but um…things changed.”

“Now you’re in love?”

Her heart hammered away fiercely. She hadn’t stopped to think about just what it was that she felt for Barry. After all, they’d spent so little time together actually liking each other. Surely it took longer than that to fall for someone. Besides, she was leaving. There was no point dwelling on a future that was never to be and the feelings that led to it.

“You don’t have to answer that,” Cisco was saying now. “It’s none of my business.”

She pursed her lips.

“It’s all right, Cisco.”

“So, what are you doing now? While Barry’s fixing your car, I mean.”

“It’s actually my dad’s car,” she felt like clarifying.

“No kidding. Well that explains a lot.”

She raised her brows but pushed past it.

“To answer your question, I’m saying my goodbyes.”

Cisco’s face fell again.

“Well, isn’t that just the saddest thing… Do you need a ride anywhere?”

She laughed. “Certainly you’re not giving away another free ride to me just because I apologized.”

“Nope.” He locked up his shop. “I’m giving you a free ride because it’s your last day here, and that’s just the kind of guy I am.”

She laughed again and followed him to his cab.

“Where are we off to?” he asked, chipper as ever in the front seat of the car.

“Same as before,” she told him. “The Allens’ Bed and Breakfast.”

“The Allens’, it is.”

He tooted his horn and then drove down the block and to the other end of town. Iris knew she wouldn’t be getting through this day without a few more tears, and especially from the older couple who’d taken her in so selflessly.

She’d paid them, of course. But it felt like more than that. She felt like family to them somehow. And she would miss that a great deal.

…

Nora came running out of the house the second she spotted Iris step out of Cisco’s cab at the end of the driveway. She didn’t stop until her arms were wrapped around Iris, and Iris was struggling to find her footing on the gravel. She attempted to wave to Cisco her goodbye and thanks, but her arms were pinned on either side of her, so she accepted Cisco’s chuckled as he left.

Finally, Nora took a step back.

“Sorry. I’m so sorry, dear. It’s just…we were so worried about you. Weren’t we, Hen-” Nora turned around and Henry was slowly making his way out the front door. Nora faced Iris again, unwilling to wait for her husband’s arrival. “Well, we were. After your dad came here, and he was so… Well, I’m sorry to say it, Iris, but he was very rude. Especially about our Barry. And about you! The things he said… Well. I just…I could hardly believe you came from that man.”

“Oh, Nora…I’m so sorry you had to meet him. I’m afraid I’ve been very dishonest with both of you, and if I’d been more open, maybe this whole thing could’ve been avoided.”

“Nonsense. You were a stranger to us, dear. There was no cause for you to unload all your secrets.”

Iris pursed her lips.

“Maybe not, but-”

“Though I was worried sick about you last night. I didn’t know if your father had found you or where you had wound up!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. My dad did find me, and it was…well, it was quite the confrontation. I almost left. But Barry…”

Nora’s eyes gleamed hopefully.

“He saved me. I spent the night with him. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Oh, not at all. Henry suspected as much. I just needed confirmation.” She glanced back at her husband who was finally at her side. “Didn’t you, dear?”

“I did, indeed,” he confirmed.

“Right. Well, Barry is fixing my dad’s car right now. As soon as he’s done, I’m heading back to the city. So, I’ve come to gather my things, change clothes, and…say goodbye.”

Nora looked gutted, and Iris wished she could take it back.

“So soon?”

“Now, honey, we knew she’d have to leave eventually,” Henry soothed.

“Well, yes, but…you paid through tomorrow morning. Are you sure you can’t stay another day?”

“If my father wasn’t counting the seconds down until I arrived safe and home sound – with his car in mint condition, then maybe I would. It’s just not worth fueling his anger again though. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right, Iris. After meeting the man, we understand.”

“Yes, of course we do,” Nora said, then reached out for her. “Come on inside, dear. I’ve just made some fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and lemonade. You can have some, then get your things together and we’ll talk a little before you have to go.”

“You should tell us about that date.” Henry grinned, turning the conversation around.

“Oh, yes! The date!” Nora gushed. “You have to tell us all about it! What was the best part?”

“Well…” Iris cleared her throat. “I don’t know if it was the best part, but I got stuck on top of the ferris wheel by myself, and Barry literally climbed up the side of it so I wouldn’t be alone in my seat.”

“Good Heavens.” Nora’s hand flew over her heart.

“He’s quite the hero, isn’t he?” Henry said proudly.

“Yes.” Iris’ smile started to fade. “I haven’t met anyone like him.”

…

About an hour passed before Iris successfully left the Allens’ Bed and Breakfast. It hadn’t taken long at all for her to change clothes and pack up her things, but it was hard to let go of Henry and Nora, so she’d allowed herself to stay longer and longer, until she was reminded she had one last person to say goodbye to, and she wanted a decent amount of time with her too.

“I’ll take you into town,” Henry said, after they finished the last of the cookies and lemonade. “Then you don’t have to call Cisco back out here. I’m sure the man is busy. It’s a lot of back and forth.”

“On his dime too,” Iris said, amused.

Henry gave her an inquiring look.

“I think he likes me,” she said with an innocent shrug, and Henry laughed.

“Let’s get going then. Maybe you can drop by and say hi again.”

She laughed. “Maybe.”

Iris said her goodbyes to an emotional Nora and hugged her before jumping into the passenger side of Henry’s truck. The back was filled with bags of clothes from Linda’s and stuffed animals from the festival.

“You’re going home with quite the load, aren’t you?” Henry teased.

She shrugged. “Gotta have something to remember this place by.”

“We’ll miss you, Iris,” he said, after they’d turned the bend in the road. “And I’m certain our boy will miss you the most.”

Iris turned away towards the window.

“I’ll miss him too.”

“Iris, can I ask you something?”

“As long as it’s not if I love your son, then go ahea-” She turned to face him with a smile. It immediately dropped. “That’s what you were going to ask me, wasn’t it?”

Helplessly, he shrugged.

“Can I help it?”

“It doesn’t matter what I feel or don’t feel, Henry. I’m leaving.”

“There’s nothing any of us could do to get you to stay?” he asked quietly.

“No,” she said, before she could marvel at how desperately this loveable couple seemed to want to keep her around. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right. Just thought I’d give it a shot.”

The ride into town continued in silence. Iris felt bad, but it was the state of how things were. She couldn’t change that. No one could.

Henry pulled over to the side of the road once they reached Linda’s shop.

“I’ll park at the auto shop, so your stuff can easily be transferred over to your dad’s car. I’m sure Barry can take it from there.”

Iris hopped out and heaved her purse onto her shoulder. She reached for the bag that contained her festival outfit from the night before with her other hand.

“Thanks, Henry…for everything.”

He only smiled.

“Goodbye, Iris.”

She shut the door and waved. “Bye.”

After sucking in her tears for the hundredth time that day, Iris spun around and invited herself into the shop. There Linda stood, pretending to not have seen her, but as soon as the door shut behind Iris, her eyes lifted up, and Iris could see she’d been trying not to cry as much as she had.

“You just waltz into town for one week, and then you leave. Now who am I supposed to talk to?”

Both ladies burst into tears and hugged each other.

“It’s one week for crying out loud,” Linda repeated the sentiment. “I’m not supposed to get this attached.”

Iris nodded. “I know. Me either. I’ve never really had a friend before. I’ll miss you so much.”

“I’ll miss you! Ugh. And here things were going so well for you and Barry too. He must be miserable. I could’ve been your maid of honor at your wedding! I would’ve been so happy for you two. I would have babysat your children.”

Iris laughed, tears streaming down her cheeks that she let Linda wipe away and vice versa.

“It’s only been a week, Linda. Hardly long enough to form that kind of attachment.”

“Oh, but he’s got it bad for you, Iris. That look he had in his eyes when he took you on your date? I never saw that when he and I were together. Not once.”

“Let’s not pretend like his heart is the only one that’s breaking by my leaving,” Iris said.

“If you love him, stay.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Then explain it to me.”

Iris sighed. “I’d rather not. Can it just be you and me and reminiscing until Barry texts me that the car is fixed? I’ve played every scenario out in my head, and it just wouldn’t work, so can we focus instead on the two of us?”

Linda sighed. “If we must. Okay. Shall we go to the park?”

“Oh! First… Drumroll. Here you go!” She handed the tall bag over to her. “Nora washed it and everything.”

“You had sex in it, didn’t you?”

Iris laughed. “No, I didn’t. I promised you I wouldn’t.”

“The bra came close though, didn’t it?”

She laughed again. “It came close.”

“Well, thank you, Iris. I’ll just tuck this away…” She stuck in a cubby behind the counter. “Now we’re off. Where should we go?”

“The park, of course. I’ll tell you all about my crazy night.”

“Leave out the sex though, please. I’m not sure if my heart can take it.”

Iris laughed. “No sex, scout’s honor.”

“You were a scout?”

“Of course not. It’s just something I heard somewhere.”

Linda rolled her eyes and looped her arm through Iris’.

“Let’s go, scout. Tell me about your date.”

…

It was another two hours before Barry resented her to tell her the car had officially been fixed. Linda walked down with Iris to the auto shop and hugged tightly before saying their goodbyes once more. Finally, Iris walked over to Barry and the black Cadillac that stood in all its glory, its engine once more alive and the frame shining like Iris had never seen it.

“I washed it myself,” Barry said. “Figured it could be my last ‘in your face’ to your father who apparently thinks mechanics are beneath him and you.”

Iris forced a smile, then examined the contents of the car.

“I see you got everything in.” Her eyes gleamed.

“Every last stuffed animal and sparkly shirt.”

She tried to laugh, but it was strained, covered in tears that she was quickly losing control of.

“I’ve missed you today,” she said, draping her arms around his neck.

“I missed you too.” He swallowed hard. “All day, you were all I could think about.”

She sighed. “I wish I had a picture of you, of us, to remember you by. I never want to forget this week. I won’t ever, but…”

“Well, why don’t we take one now?”

“Because we’re both about to dissolve into tears, that’s why! I want us happy, I want us…in love.”

“I am in love,” he said, passion seeping into every word he uttered. “I am so-”

“No, no, no, don’t. It hurts too much.” She covered his mouth with her hand, much the way she’d done that morning. “Don’t tell me you love me.”

He choked and tucked some of her curls back.

“But I do, Iris. You’re the first woman I’ve ever loved, and I don’t know how I’m going to live without you in my arms at night, without your taste on my tongue, without your laughter in my ears, without-”

She cut him off, going up onto her tiptoes to kiss him passionately. Barry held her tightly, tears slipping past closed eyelids and dampening his cheeks and lashes.

“You’re crying,” she said, when she finally had to pull away for air. “You’re not supposed to cry.”

“How can I not? You’re leaving me. The woman I love is leaving me.”

“You’ll find someone else.”

“I won’t.”

“You will.”

“Stay.”

“Barry…”

“Please stay.”

“I can’t.”

“You can. You just don’t want to. You don’t want to risk rejection, but are you willing to live under your dad’s roof for the rest of your life? Living in fear? In judgment? Forever protected but never really living?”

“Barry, please don’t.”

“Stay, Iris. We’ll figure everything out together. I’ll support you if I have to. Just please stay.”

Before Iris could answer, rain started to fall from the sky. It was a slow drizzle at first, then it came down harder and harder, until they were both standing there soaking in the rain.

“I have to go,” she said, practically shouting it over the pounding of each drop of water.

He stared at her, hoping to convey something his heart was feeling with his eyes, but in a short amount of time he realized it wasn’t working. He pulled her to him and kissed her hard, his fingers in her hair and holding her body flush against his. They kissed until their clothes were beyond soaked, until thunder could be heard and lightning flashed across the sky.

Then they broke apart.

“Stay until the rain stops,” he begged. “It could be dangerous on the roads. You could-”

“I have to go, Barry,” she said, and he let her go at last.

She opened the door for herself, blasted the heat and looked at him one last time before shutting the door.

Then slowly, cautiously, but assuredly, she put the gear in drive and started forward on the old country road, away from the town and the man she’d fallen in love with.

...

*will be posted on AO3 and FFnet when beta’d.

#westallen #fanfiction #westallen fanfiction #backtothestart02 fanfiction #the girl in the black cadillac #chapter 18

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Seventy-Six

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Fluff, and smutish

It was nearly the end of June, it was sweltering, and you had your period. You were thankful your apartment had central air. Harry often found you standing above the vent, with your head pressed against the wall.

“Babe…what…why do you keep doin’ that?”

“I’m sweating.”

“We can just turn the A/C up.”

“No, it’s not enough. My hormones…they’re making me sweat more, and I feel disgusting. So fucking disgusting. And I hate working when it’s this humid out.” You turn to look at him. “I feel like a sausage casing every time I put a dress on, and I can’t really wear my sundresses because they’re not appropriate, and we’re not even allowed to wear Bermuda shorts. What’s inappropriate about a Bermuda short? They’re the least attractive shorts out there!”

“You know what you need? A chocolate milkshake. I’ll just run to McDo-“

“A milkshake? A milkshake?! I just told you I felt like a sausage casing in my clothes and you want to get me a milkshake?”

“A…smoothie then? I could make you a smoothie?”

“I don’t want anything to eat! It’s swimsuit season, any extra calories are bad calories Harry!”

“Just tell me how to help you!”

“Go take Buster for a walk!”

Harry grabs the leash and whistles for Buster. He texts Niall to meet him downstairs. It was 8:30 at night. Niall comes rushing out.

“Thank god you texted me. Sarah’s goin’ bananas.”

“So is Y/N.”

“She got her period too?”

“Yeah! I offered to go get her a milkshake and she yelled at me. She’s really hot, I thought it would cool her down.”

“Never offer a woman food on her period, you have to wait until she asks you to go get her somethin’. I thought I made a kind gesture to Sarah once, and she freaked out and called herself fat. Sarah, for Christ’s sake, called herself fat!”

“I can’t listen to Y/N when she talks shit about herself. It breaks my heart.”

“Mine too. I feel so bad when Sarah does it. She’s perfect to me.”

“Same with Y/N!” He sighs, and Buster yips at him. “Mummy’s scary sometimes, huh Buster?” He looks at Niall. “I’m afraid of what I’m goin’ to walk into. She’s not like this all the time, I just think the heat is gettin’ to her.”

“Same with Sarah. We’ll survive this like we do every month.”

Harry gets back upstairs, and finds you sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream. He wants to say something, but he knows he’d be dead if he did. He sits down next to you and he smiles. He sees tears streaming down your cheeks.

“What, uh, what are yeh watching?”

“Um, I made the mistake of rewatching Glee, and…it’s the first episode, and oh god they’re singing don’t stop believing! Corey Monteith had the voice of angel!” Your voice cracks as you sob.

“Do want me to put somethin’ else on?!”

“No leave it! I love this show so much!”

“I think…I’m gonna go read.”

“No! Please stay, I want you near me.”

“Okay.” He moves closer to you.

“I said near me, not on top of me.”

“Okay.” He sits there and faces the TV.

He really didn’t want to watch Glee, but he had no idea what else to do. You had never been so worked up on your period before. Buster sits between his legs, and he mindlessly pats at his head. You finish the pint of ice cream, there wasn’t much in there anyways. You stand up to go throw it out, but you feel a sharp pain.

“Ow! Oh god.” Harry looks at you as you start to crouch and then lay on the ground. You start crying again. He stands up and stands over you. “I took some ibuprofen with the ice cream, why is this happening, Harry?”

“I don’t know, love.” He sighs and sits on the floor next to you. “Where does it hurt the most?” He asks softly.

“Like right in my lower stomach, feels like I’m being stabbed.”

Harry’s heart breaks for you. If he could take all your pain away and endure himself he would.

“Okay.”

He scoops you up and carries you to the bedroom. He lays you down and leaves.

“Harry?”

“One second!”

He returns shortly with a hot water bottle wrapped in a rag. He gets on the bed and presses it lightly on your lower stomach. You wince and then you relax.

“My sister used to do this when he cramps got really bad.” He strokes your face. “Is it helping?”

“A little, yeah. Thank you.” Your eyes get watery again. “I was so mean earlier, I’m sorry.”

“Please, Y/N, I can’t watch you cry anymore. It’s okay, I know you can’t help it sometimes.”

“I don’t deserve you.” You sob.

“Please, honey, please, just take a deep breath.” He gives you a reassuring smile. He presses the bottle a little harder and you close your eyes.

You eventually fall asleep and Harry sighs. It was like having to calm a child down. You were never like this, ever. He wondered if it was the heat, or if you were just having a particularly heavy flow.

//

Harry was in absolute shock at your bright attitude the next morning. You got up, showered, took Buster out, and made breakfast. It was like you hadn’t gone psycho at all last night.

“I’m so excited to have a long weekend soon. We’re still going to Hull right, you’re okay with it?”

“Uh, yeah…how are you feelin’ this mornin’?”

“Great! Why?”

“You, um, well…”

“Did I scare you last night?” You chuckle.

“A little bit, yeah.”

“I’m sorry.” You sigh. “I don’t really know what came over me. Just a rough night. Good news it, it’ll be gone in time for the party so we can go swimming.” You smile. Your phone goes off. “Oh shit, Niall’s downstairs, I gotta get to work. Taking Buster with you today?”

“Yup.” He kisses you. “Have a good day.”

“You too, my doll.”

You head down to the car, and Niall looks frightened honestly.

“Good morning?”

“Mornin’.” He starts to drive.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just didn’t sleep much last night. Apparently, I don’t fold my socks correctly, which resulted in Sarah reorganizing my entire dresser and closet.” You burst out laughing. “It’s not funny, it’s like a demon possessed her.”

“She and I are the same person sometimes I swear. I wasn’t too kind myself last night.”

“Heard you were cryin’ like a baby.”

“How nice of the two of you to compare notes about your girlfriend’s periods.”

“If you compare notes about sex with us, then it’s only fair we compare notes on that.”

“You got me there.”

“Then this mornin’ she got up before me and made me breakfast. It was very confusing.”

“It’s because you’re not actually the problem, you’re just in the line of fire. I feel like every year, every month I just angrier. Like I have to deal with this easily for another thirty or so years, and then what? I get all dried up and get reminded I no longer can produce life, great.” You scoff. “It’s a shit deal.”

“I remember when my mum started havin’ hot flashes and shit, no Bueno.”

“Exactly. My mom didn’t have hot flashes, she just had a mid-life crisis and left my dad.”

“Jesus, Y/N.” He laughs.

“Sorry, too dark?” You laugh.

//

Your stomach felt better, but the same could not be said your breasts. They were super sore and felt like hard rocks. You ripped your shirt off the second you got home, including your bra. You let out a large sigh. You threw on some athletic shorts, and filled a bag full of ice, not even bothering to wrap it in a towel, and pressed it to your chest.

“Mother of god.” You say to yourself. “What is wrong with me this month?”

You drag yourself over to the sofa and turn the TV on. You put Glee on, hoping you don’t cry again, but fuck it if you did. You had leftovers from last night’s dinner in the fridge. You didn’t have the energy to make something new, Harry could just eat that if he wanted.

He comes home with Buster around 6PM. He runs right over to you and you pat his head. Harry stops short when he sees the water from the ice dripping down your chest.

“Hi.” He says, cheeks growing red.

“Hey.”

“What’s all this?” He gestures to the bag of ice.

“My boobs really hurt, so I’ve been icing them.”

“Is it helpin’?”

“It’s numbing, so a little.”

Harry sighs and thinks for a second.

“How do they hurt?”

“They’re just really tender, and they feel heavy.”

“Alright, how about I give you a little massage?” You raise an eyebrow at him. “A genuine massage, nothing more.”

“Okay, well, that actually sounds nice.” You smile.

“Come on, it’ll be easier if you lay on the bed.” He extends his hand out to you and you take it.

He stops in the kitchen quick to throw the bag of ice in the freezer. He strips down to his boxers to cool his own body off, getting used to the A/C.

“It was so hot out today.”

“I know, baby.” He looks at you for a second. “Lay with your head towards the end of the bed, then I can stand over you.” You do as he says.

He grabs your lotion from your night table and rubs it in his hands. He starts with the back of your neck and your eyes flutter closed. He kneads his thumbs into your shoulders and works his way down your chest. You wince slightly, but you relax at his gentle touch. Your nipples were already pebbled. Harry could feel how hard your breasts were and he felt awful. He grounds his knuckles in and then slides his palms over you. You let out a sigh.

“So nice.” You whisper.

“Feels good, babe?”

“Mhm, thank you.”

Harry continues to massage you. He moves his hands back under your neck and you arch up a little so he can get at it better. He remembered you raving about this part of the massage when you went away at that weekend. He smooths his hands back down to your breasts and you groan.

“Is it feeling better?”

“Much, yeah. You’re the best.”

He smiles and continues to work on you. He spends a full thirty minutes massaging you before your hands get tired. You sit up and start to tear up.

“What, what’s happening? Why-“

“It’s just.” You sniffle. “You came home from work and didn’t even get to eat or relax, you just jumped to take care of me, and for what? What do I even do for you?”

Harry’s mouth falls open. How could you not know what you do for him? You do everything for him? You do his laundry, fold it, and put it away. You iron all of his clothes and make sure they’re hung up. You make him breakfast every single morning, and make sure his lunch is fully packed before you leave for work. You take care of him in so many ways, how could you even ask that?

“Y/N.” Harry sighs. “You do a million things for me every day, I can’t even begin to list everything.”

“But you were probably busy all day.” You hiccup. “And you were probably tired, and there I am being a big baby, and-“

He grabs you by the back of your neck and cups your cheek with his other hand, crashing his mouth to yours. You needed to calm down, and he didn’t know what else to do at this point. You sink into his touch and kiss. Your eyes flutter closed when you feel his tongue enter your mouth. He could feel your tears against his own cheeks, and could taste the salt from them. He lets go of you slowly, and uses his thumbs to wipe your face clean. You press your forehead to his.

“I really need you to calm down.” He says lowly. “Can you do that?” He says looking at you, and you nod your head yes. “Okay, did you eat yet?” He lets go of you.

“No.”

“I’ll go heat up the leftovers. Go get comfy on the sofa. Buster’s been missin’ his mummy all day, I’m sure he’d love to sit with you.”

“Okay.” You go over to your dresser and grab a t-shirt to throw on. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He gives your bum a smack and you squeal as you both leave the bedroom.

Harry washes his hands and makes up dinner. He comes out with a bowl for you and you happily take it.

“So, what did I miss on Glee?” He asks and your smile brightens. You pause the TV.

“Okay, so Sue, Jane Lynch, doesn’t like that Will’s club is taking from her funding, and Rachel has a crush on Finn, and he likes her too, but he’s dating this cheerleader…”

Harry let you go on with the synopsis so he’d be caught up. He could have cared less, but it made him happy to see you get so excited to talk about a show you loved so much. And there were a few songs he actually didn’t mind. And sometimes you’d sing along to certain songs, which he loved so much.

The next morning you get up and cheer happily, waking Harry up. You burst out of the bathroom.

“That bitch is gone! Fuck you Aunt Flow!” You cackle, and Harry gives you a thumbs up. “Get your ass up and come shower with me, I’m feeling frisky.”

He didn’t have to be told twice, he got his ass up and joined you in the shower.

//

Harry closed the studio for the fourth of July. It was a Friday anyways, and no one had booked anything. He didn’t get to see what bathing suit you put on before you put your blue coverup dress on. He could tell it was white from the knot peeking out, but that was about it. You put a hat on and pulled your ponytail through it. You and Harry packed a cooler and a bag of things you’d need. Buster would be spending the day with his Uncle Isaac at his apartment.

You meet Sarah and Niall down on the street. Sarah had a red coverup dress on with a blue bathing-suit on underneath. One could assume Rachel probably had a white coverup dress on with a red bathing suit. Harry had his yellow trunks and a white T on. Niall had on a pair of green trunks and a white T. Everyone looked summery and ready for a day at the beach. You and Sarah decide to sit the back together as Harry drove off towards Hull.

“Check out this air bnb at the Cape.” Sarah shows you on her phone. “Not terribly expensive, and it would fit all of us.”

“Yeah! I saw that one too. I think we should book it. Rachel said she could get the time off that weekend, and I already have it off.”

“Friday to Monday right?”

“Yup.”

“Alright, I’m booking it.”

“Oi! I’m supposed to do that.” Harry says.

“Snooze you lose.”

“But now they’ll have your credit card, and-“

“Harry, I promise, you can just Venmo me later.”

“Oo yeah put him in his place, Sarah.” Niall says winking at her and she makes a kissy face towards him.

You arrive at Seth’s parent’s house just when Rachel and Mariah do. Mariah had a one piece bathing suit on with a cute pair of jean shorts on over.

“Yay! Now we can all take a picture!” Sarah squeals. “See, we’re red, white, and blue.” She hands her phone to Niall and three of you line up.

You smile brightly and then giggle, getting a good and a silly picture out of it.

“Where should be put all our stuff?” Niall asks. “Should we just leave all our spare clothes in the car?”

“Yeah, for now.” Sarah says. “I’ll just bring this bag with our towels in it.”

You all walk up to the house, and around the back. The three of you had been here before, you knew where to go. The house was huge, and had its own private beach. There were a ton of hard games set up and a volley ball net. There were plenty of people there already, and a ton of food out. Seth had set up a bar on the deck for drinks.

You look over and see the tall boy with light brown hair and hazel eyes. He was shirtless and you notice a new tattoo from the last time you went swimming with him.

“That’s Seth.” You point him out to Harry and he nods.

“Look, there’s a bunch of lawn chairs, we can go put all our shit down and claim a spot.” Mariah says. “I’m already ready to get in the water.”

You all walk over to the open chairs and put your things down. Seth notices you, Sarah, and Rachel and jogs over to you.

“You all made it!”

Seth was handsome, there was no denying it. In a way…he was your first Harry-esque kind of guy. He has a deep voice, paints his nails black, has tattoos, and he has small hoop in his bottom lip. But he as sweet as all hell. And one of the funniest people you had ever met. Before you can stop him he’s hugging you three.

“I’m so glad you’re here. I can see you’re setting up shop, that’s great. Bar’s up on the deck, help yourself to whatever and however much you want. Plenty of food too. The water’s actually warm too, it’s great. Got some extra sunscreen too.”

“Thanks Seth.” Rachel says. “This is my girlfriend, Mariah.” They shake hands.

“Great to meet you.” He looks over at you and then to Harry who was just taking his shirt off.

“This is Harry.”

“Hey man, heard a lot about you.” They shake hands.

“Same here.”

“And this is Niall.” Sarah says.

“Welcome. Well, uh, I better keep playing host. Really glad you all are here. Max and Ben are here too, they’ll love to see you.”

Oh god. You swallow hard and give Sarah and Rachel a look as he walks away. You take your hair out of your hat and shake it out. You decide to just put it half up.

“You all want drinks before we head into the water?” Niall asks, taking his shirt off.

“Sure! Why don’t you all go up and grab some of whatever, we’ll go test the water.” Sarah says.

Harry, Mariah, and Niall all head up to the deck.

“Oh my fucking god.” Sarah says. “I haven’t seen Ben since we broke up! What am I gonna do?”

“What are you going to do? Max is here too!”

“Times like this, I’ve never been so happy to be a lesbian.”

“You’re not helping.” Sarah glares at her.

“Relax, it’ll be fine, we’re all adults now, right?”

The three of you rid yourselves of your cover ups. You all help each other put some lotion on your backs and shoulders. The sun was strong today.

Harry, Mariah, and Niall were busy making drinks when Mariah gasps.

“Oh, I could kill her.” She says.

“What?” Harry asks.

“Look at them!”

The three of you had the same bikinis on. You all looked cute, but Harry was hoping you’d wear something a little more modest for a party. Plus, you were wearing a white bathing suit, which just made your skin look even better.

Harry and Niall’s jaws fall open as they watch the three of you walk into the water.

“It’s going to be a long day, isn’t it?” Niall asks.

“Yup.” Harry says. “Good thing there’s plenty of free liquor.”

“Bro, is that Sarah?” Niall whips his head around to see a couple of guys talking.

“Looks like it.”

“She looks good. I didn’t think she was still friends with Seth.”

“Yeah, and that looks like Y/N, damn…”

Harry’s jaw tenses immediately. He did not like college friends, nope, not one bit. He sighs heavily, and the three of them come down with the drinks. The three of you turn around and smile at them.

Mariah takes her shorts off and goes into the water. Harry walks right in and grabs you, lifting you up, making you squeal.

“Harry! Please, I don’t want to get my hair wet!”

“Should’ve thought about that before comin’ to the beach.”

“Please! Please don’t drop me!” You cling to him and wrap your legs around him as he wades deeper in the water.

“Don’t worry, I gotcha.” You move around him so he’s giving you a piggyback ride. “That’s a nice bathing suit.”

“Okay, so I know it’s a little revealing, but we all wanted to wear red, white, and blue. Are you mad?”

“Nope…just know a lot of people are gonna be lookin’ at you.”

“Don’t worry, anytime I’m not in the water I plan to have my coverup on.”

“Okay.” He loosens his grip on you.

“Harry, I mean it don’t drop ah!”

He drops you in the water and starts laughing hysterically when you come back up.

“Not funny!” You pull the scrunchie out of your hair and flip it over.

“Come on, now you’ll have those beach waves you’re always after. You’re looks so nice when you leave it naturally.”

“Fuck you.” You flip him off and walk back towards your friends.You stop when you see a soaked Sarah.

“Niall just did the same thing to me.”

You feel a hand clasp on your shoulder.

“Are you really mad?”

“No.” You sigh. “What did you bring us to drink, I’m thirsty.”

“Vodka tonics.”

“Perfect.”

You all get out of the water and sit down on the chairs. You put your sunglasses on and sip on your drink. Once you’re dry enough you put your coverup back on.

“Hey Y/N!” Seth says.

“Yeah?”

“Will you come be on my volleyball team? We need another person.”

“You know, I haven’t played since college…”

“So, it’s just for fun.”

You look at Harry. He nods towards the net and you stand up.

“You all can come play too, you can play winner.”

He puts his hand on the small of your back as he leads you over.

“She played volleyball?” Harry asks Rachel and Sarah.

“She was on an intramural team, that’s how they met.” Rachel says. “We used to go to her games.”

Harry turns around and watches you laugh and say hi to the other people.

“Alright, so let’s go watch.”

Everyone gets up to stand near the net and watch you play.

“You serve first.” Seth tosses the ball to you.

You wind up and jump to hit the ball, and the people on the other side miss.

“Yes!” Seth turns to you and gives you a high five. You turn to your friends and they all give you a thumbs up.

You serve the ball again and someone calls base so you run to your actual spot and watch the ball. You bump the ball so someone can set, and Seth spikes it.

Harry had never seen you so…athletic. You worked out, but the two of you never worked out together. You never even went for runs together, and you certainly never went to the boxing gym with him. He was impressed.

“Hey Sarah.” Ben comes up to her and she immediately loops her arm around Niall’s.

“Oh, Ben, hi.” She gives him a fake smile.

“Didn’t know you and Seth were still friends.”

“Sure, yeah, we talk from time to time.” Niall looks at the man talking to Sarah. “This is my boyfriend, Niall.”

“Hey mate.”

“Boyfriend? Wow, good for you. Hey man.”

“Yeah, we’ve been together for like nine months.”

Niall notices how uneasy Sarah is and hooks his arm around her waist.

“How do you two know each other?”

“Friends from school.”

“Right, because dating for a year is totally just what friends do.” He smirks. Harry looks over to make sure everything’s okay.

“You know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Niall, this is my verbally abusive ex-boyfriend, Ben. Ben, this is my incredibly wonderful amazing love of my life Niall.”

“Sup.” Niall says smiling.

Harry focuses his attention back on you. Your team was about to win. Seth sets the ball for you and you jump to tap it over the net, securing the win. Your team cheers and Seth nearly lifts you to hug you but you shake your head no and push him back. You awkwardly shake his hand, and walk away from him. You jog over to hug Harry who happily takes you in his arms.

“You were incredible.” He says.

“Thanks. Think I’m done though.” You look at the situation with Ben and Sarah and you storm towards him. “Ben Richmand, walk the fuck away.” You say crossing your arms.

“Chill, Y/N, we’re having a pleasant conversation.”

“No, you’re trying to cause trouble, look at her, she’s shaking.” You get in his face further. “I’ve beat your ass before, and I’ll gladly do it again.”

Sarah and Rachel burst out laughing.

“I’m not afraid of you.”

“No?” You step towards him and he steps back. “We all came to have a good time, so please, do everyone a favor and just leave us alone.”

“Dude, are we playing Polish horseshoes or not? Y/N…hi.” Max rubs the back of his neck.

“Hi.”

“Please, if you’re gonna beat up Ben again, make sure you tell one of us so we can get it on video.”

“Can do. I’m hoping it won’t come to that. Think you can keep him away from Sarah? She’s clearly here with someone.” You point to Niall.

“What about you, you here with someone?” She smiles smugly and you blush.

“Um…yeah…Harry?” You turn to him and wave him over. Max smirks and shakes his head. “This is my boyfriend, he own a dog together, it’s pretty serious.” He starts laughing.

“How’s it going man?” Max shakes Harry’s hand. “Wish I knew all it took was a few tattoos.” He smirks. “Come on Ben, let’s head over to the game.”

“I…have so many questions.” Mariah says. “You beat that dude up?”

“Let’s go back down to our chairs, too many people around here.”

You all make your way back down and you all sit together.

“Okay, so there was the four of us. Me, Kate, Rachel, and Sarah. Then we had the boys. Kev, Seth, Max, and Ben. Kate and Kev got together, and later Sarah and Ben got together. But what none of us realized was that Ben is a sick fuck, and poor Sarah was too scared to say anything. One night Rach and I got back from a party and we heard Ben violently yelling at Sarah, which in turn set me off because my father used to violently yell at me. So-“

“Y/N tore Ben away from me and broke his nose.” Sarah says. “It was awesome.”

“I thought I broke my hand when I did it. It was like right before we all graduated. Rachel called campus police and got him out of there.”

“You’re a little badass.” Mariah says.

“You broke his nose?” Harry asks. “You must have really socked him.”

“She did! Cried like a baby.” Sarah says.

“You never told me, Sarah.” Niall says concerned.

“It wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.” She shrugs.

“Man, you girls have so much bullshit to deal with.” Niall shakes his head. “I’m glad you all have each other to lean on.”

“So what’s the deal with Max then, is he your ex-boyfriend?” Mariah asks you.

“God, he wishes. He had a thing for me, but I didn’t like him like that, and I made it very clear.”

“Oh please, Y/N.” Rachel scoffs. “That boy did everything you asked, all you had to do was smile at him.”

“I did nothing on purpose, nor did I lead him on. I told him I wasn’t into him like that, and that I just wanted to be friends.”

“Wait, do you remember when he walked in on you and Seth.” Sarah starts giggling. “Think that made it really clear you just weren’t that into him.”

“And could you have been more obvious before? Uh, hi this is Harry, we have a dog together.” Rachel laughs. “You’re a bitch.”

You mouth falls open. At first the boys and Mariah aren’t sure what do to, but you start laughing and whip the lime from your drink at her.

“As if you didn’t fake being straight to get Max to tutor you in math.” You say.

“Look, it’s not my fault that he’s the type of guy to only be friends with girls because he think he might have a chance. And thanks to him, I was able to graduate.”

“So this guy had a crush on you, and he accidentally walked in on you and that other guy?” Harry asks.

“God.” You groan. “It was so embarrassing. I had accidentally spent the night at their place…and…”

“How do you accidentally spend the night at someone’s place?” Niall laughs.

“Oh, this was Y/N’s thing, it was so smooth, honestly.” Sarah says. “The master of getting what she wants.”

“Okay, can we get a drink refill please?” You say.

“Yes! Let’s get fucked up.” Mariah says. “I love drinking with you guys.”

You all get new drinks and go back to where you were to tell stories.

“Okay, please explain, what exactly were you the master of?” Mariah asks.

“Nothing!” You giggle.

“Shut up, you did this all the time. If there was a guy you wanted to hook up with, you did one of two things. You either asked them to walk you home, if you knew you’d have the room to yourself, or you’d get them to play video games with you until you were the last two people in the room.”

“Video games?” Harry smirks.

“Oh sure, I’m pretty good at NHL, and Mario Kart.”

“You’re a savage as Smash Brothers too.” Rachel says.

“Thank you.”

“That’s how she finally scored Seth. I was dating Ben, so I didn’t really care that she wanted to hook up with him. We were at a kickback at his place, and she got him to play NHL. Everyone else had left after a certain point.”

“And we were both too tired to walk me home.” You say. “So he let me crash in his room with him, but no one knew. And we when we both woke up in the morning we started fooling around, and poor Max walked in because Seth had Max’s phone charger.”

“I think he knew you were in there and he wanted to get hurt.” Rachel says, sipping on her drink.

“I don’t understand why you had to work so hard to fuck some guy.” Harry says. “Look at you, how did he not just say hey let’s go?”

“He didn’t know if it would be weird for Sarah. Seth’s a really nice guy.”

“I think Harry, Louis, and I all had sex with like ten of the same women when we were in school.”

“Probably more.” Harry says.

“I secretly wish we all could’ve gone to the same school. You two totally would’ve hooked up back then.” Rachel says to you and Harry. “I just wonder who would’ve made the first move.”

“I’m sure I would’ve had to work to get his attention with so many girls probably trying to hook up with him.” You nudge Harry and he shakes his head. “I would’ve stayed across the room and made eye contact occasionally. And then at the end of the night, I would’ve walked up to you.” You turn to face him and he looks at you. “And said, I know this is your party, and you probably don’t want to leave all this, but I can’t find my friends, and I don’t feel safe enough to walk home alone.” You bite your bottom lip. “Could I ask you to walk me?” Harry starts grinning, his dimple popping out.

“As much of a prick as I was, I don’t think I could’ve said no to that.” The group starts laughing. “That’s a pretty good move.”

“It worked just about every time I wanted it to.” Harry pulls you into him and kisses the top of your head.

“Well, it would’ve been my honor to walk you home.”

You were so happy he was being chill about everything. Sometimes your friends had zero filter with bringing up stories. You all decide to grab some food and mingle with some other people. You all swim for bit, and eventually decide to change once the sun starts to go down. You had a pair of capri, cuffed jeans on with one of Harry’s sweatshirts. You hair was really curly, but you used your sunglasses like a headband and it actually looked cute.

Someone gets a bonfire started and you all sit around it. Seth comes around with blankets for everyone.

“When we watch the fireworks later, we’ll go down closer to the water. Sand might be wet.” He says to you with a smile.

“Thanks Seth.”

“Having fun, Harry?” He asks, genuinely.

“Yeah, your parents have a great house.”

“Thanks, it’s just a summer home. It was actually my grandparent’s. We rent it out a lot to make some money back on it. It’s super expensive to take care of.”

“I bet, lot of square feet to take care of.”

“Hope you’re taking good care of this one. She’s special.”

He gets up and walks around to other people to keep giving out blankets. Harry throws his arm around you and you lean into him.

“So you two never actually dated?” You look up at him.

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“We were just better as friends. It was our senior year, neither of us wanted to get into something when we didn’t know where our lives were going.”

“If it had been better timing do you think-“

“Harry, why all the questions?”

“I don’t know…would you like me better if I had my lip pierced?” You burst out laughing. “You clearly have a type.” You laugh harder. “No really, I see it. Tall, tattoos, I really am just missing the lip piercing.”

“His tongue’s pierced too.” You both laugh.

“There it is.”

“What?”

“That’s why you and Sarah wanted to keep hookin’ up with him.”

“Because he had his tongue pierced?”

“A straight guy only get his tongue pierced to do one thing with it.”

Sarah overhears the conversation, and takes the opportunity while Niall is getting more drinks to chime in. She leans into Harry.

“He also has a huge, thick cock, so there’s that too.” He pats him on the shoulder.

“Sarah!” You swat at her and she laughs.

“I don’t feel bad saying it because Harry has nothing to feel self conscious about, do you Harry?”

“I don’t know Sarah, you tell me.”

“Oh, are we talking about Harry’s dick?” Mariah says as her and Rachel sit down. They had gone off to change. “Cause it’s huge.”

“Oh my god.” He groans. “How the fuck would you know that?”

“You used to wear the tightest fucking pants when you started, dude. Your bulge was just always there.”

“It’s true mate, you used to wear some tight jeans.” Niall says, pulling Sarah into his lap.

“You all are just jealous that I know a thing or two about fashion and you don’t.”

“Yeah, that’s what it is.” Mariah says.

“Anyone hungry?” Seth asks. “Did we have enough to eat?”

“Seth, relax.” You say. “Everyone knows where the food is. Chill, enjoy your party.”

He laughs and nods. He nudges your shoulder and walks away. Things for s’mores get passed around as everyone hangs out around the bonfire. You had some melted chocolate on the corner of your mouth.

“Babe, you got some..” Harry taps his mouth.

“Oh, do you have a napkin?”

“No, but I’ll do you one better.”

He pulls your towards him and sucks the chocolate off your mouth. You giggle while he does it, realizing you’ve barely been able to kiss all day.

“Alright you two.” Sarah says. “Don’t be gross.”

“I was just helpin’ her get some chocolate off her face like a good boyfriend.”

“Mhm, you’re so considerate.”

Eventually you all head down closer to the sand and find separate spots. It was dark enough where you could all cuddle openly. Sarah sat against Niall’s chest with his arms wrapped around her. Mariah and Rachel were laying on their backs holding hands. And you were laying on top of Harry. You both were giggling and talking. You start kissing and he rolls you both over onto your sides.

“Fireworks start in two minutes!” Someone yells.

You both sit up and he has you move between his legs like the way Sarah and Niall were sitting. He rests his chin on one of your shoulders and keeps his arms around you to keep you warm. You take your phone out so you can take a selfie.

“Oh look, Isaac texted us a picture of Buster…he’s home now in his little bed.”

“We’ll be home to him soon, babe.”

“I know.”

You pull up your camera and take the selfie of the two of you. Harry sticks his tongue out and you make a funny face too. A firework goes off and you both look up. A few more start to go off and you both lay back so you can see better without having to crane your necks.

“These are amazing.” Harry says.

“Yeah!”

Harry looks over at you and smiles at the way you look at the fireworks and the way the light your face up. The grand finale starts and everyone cheers when they’re done. Harry helps your up and you grab the blanket. You all head up back towards the house and you throw the blankets on the stairs that lead up to the deck. Seth was drinking beers with his friends.

“We’re headed out.” Rachel says to him. He frowns and stands up.

“So soon?”

“We’ve got like an hour drive back to the city.” Sarah says.

“Oh right…”

He hugs Rachel, and then Sarah. He looks at you.

“Are we shaking hands again, or can we hug?”

“We can hug.”

You wrap your arms around his neck and his go around your back. He squeezes you close to him and lets you go.

“It was great to meet the three of you. These are probably my three favorite girls, and it seems like they’re all in good hands.”

“Thanks for a great party, mate.” Harry shakes his hand, and so does Niall. Mariah waves goodbye.

You hug Rachel and Mariah goodbye as they get into Mariah’s car. You and Sarah sit in the back seat again. Harry lets Niall drive back. You and Sarah lean against each other and slowly fall asleep.

“They’re knocked out.” Harry chuckles.

“Got a lot of sun today.”

“You know what’s nice?”

“That we both kept our cool today?”

“That, and…this is the part of growin’ up I don’t mind. Goin’ to parties with our girls, you and I still gettin’ to hang out.”

“Yeah, I like when we all get to do this. Gotta make time for fun.”

You and Sarah wake up to the sound of Niall and Harry laughing about something. You were parked in the garage of your building.

“What are we doing?” You ask.

“We were waitin’ for you to wake up.” Harry says.

“I’m…so tired. Niall carry me up.”

“Alright babe. Can we grab our shit outta your car tomorrow?”

“Sure.” Harry shrugs.

Niall gives Sarah a piggy back ride and heads across the street. You and Harry walk hand in hand up to your place. Buster wakes up when you get int and you squat down to love on him for a few minutes before letting him get back to sleep. When you get into your bedroom you wrap your arms around Harry.

“Can we just shower tomorrow? I’m exhausted.”

“Course, honey.” You say looking up at him. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“You were unbelievably cool today, and I appreciate it.”

“It’s like you’re always sayin’, I’m the one sleepin’ with you not them. I know I have no reason to be jealous.”

“Nope. Cause at the end of the day, you’re the only boy I want to trick into walking me home so I can bang him.”

You both giggle and he presses his forehead against yours.

“You know, you didn’t ask me what my move was.”

“My apologies, what was your move?” You step back from him and cross your arms.

He puts a hand on your shoulder and looks at you.

“That’s it? An intense stare?”

He keeps looking at you and then he licks his lips and smirks.

“Yeah, I can see how that worked.”

You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him in for a kiss.

“I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Harry.”

#take it slow #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles fic #harry styles x reader #harry styles y/n #harry styles x y/n #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut fic #harry styles fluff fic #a long one tonight kids #did we like? #our babies are growing up

[coinofstone]

5x12 The Diamond of the Day pt 1

Final two episodes! Big finale! Why am I making myself cry in the middle of the afternoon! Both eps in this post.

I do love that they made Arthur a sore loser

Enter treacherous white woman #2. Srsly it was lazy writing when they did it for Mordred, it's worse now with Gwaine.

I do love the actual Round Table war room discussion but a) why isn't Merlin seated at the round table and b) why does Leon have so much goddamn faith in Camelot's walls? Like??? You literally said the same thing last year and yet Camelot *did* fall when Agravaine brought an army through the tunnels!

Poor Aithusa. Kid's had a rough life.

I do love Arthur responding to Merlin presenting him with all his supplies ready - which he prepared without his magic mind you - with suspicion 😂

But then he calls Merlin a coward and it's sad

Katie has such a great voice. That entire thing in the cave from her taunting to her laughter to the spell, it just just beautifully played.

Whole ass battle to prepare for and Arthur is just walking around moping cuz Merlin isn't there

So, Merlin's father-vision telling him he's magic itself and he just needs to believe in himself to get his magic going again, does this mean he *didn't* need to go to the cave to get it back? Cuz it seems like he needed to recharge in the cave itself, his injuries were healed when he woke up. That seems like magic cave stuff to me.

Also that "always have been and always will be" - I'm taking to mean 'always have been' in the sense that since he's 'magic itself' even before he was born, his magic existed in other, intangible forms, like we are all stardust etc. But now that he is, he will always be, aka he will not die.

Arthur waking up with his wife in his arms and Merlin's name on his lips, jumping out of bed to act on dream-info.

Balinor telling Merlin to trust in what will be.... like bitch that is literally not how this ends.

5x13 The Diamond of the day pt 2

You know that gif of the cat knocking everything off the table? That's literally Merlin shooting lightning at everyone from his perch on the ridge.

I have a lot of snarky things to say about Merlin coming out of the cave in full Dragoon gear and riding a horse instead of teleporting like the other witches but I'ma keep that to myself.

Mordred is a bitch and Aithusa has terrible aim. At least Aithusa's loyalty to Morgana makes sense.

Arthur said oh shit I'm magic - oh wait no it's that old man again

He also straight up "No! Bad dragon!"-ed Aithusa

Y'know, for all I've watched this episode and screamed about Arthur's death, I don't think I've ever focused on the exact moment he gets stabbed before.

Mordred catches him from behind and he meets it, no fault there. But as soon as he realizes his assailant is the knight who turned on him and joined Morgana, what does he do? HE LOWERS HIS FUCKING SWORD

He leaves himself wide fucking open and vulnerable and Mordred seizes the opportunity. I understand wanting the moment of recognition for Arthur, but on what planet is a trained warrior going to drop his sword mid-attack because he recognizes his attacker as a dude who only just recently decided to forsake him? It's soooooo dumb

There was a whole sequence a few episodes back where Mordred and Arthur are sparring, the point of it was to show that Mordred has become a skilled swordsman. So what exactly was the point in having Mordred run Arthur through as soon as Arthur idiotically lets his guard down? This should've been a meticulously choreographed sword fight, with Mordred getting the upper hand and sticking Arthur properly. Not this nonsense. Look at Arthur's FACE! Oh, Mordred... 👉👈 do you maybe wanna be friends again- STAB ... guess not

Uther's been rolling in his grave but he's taking an extra tumble watching Arthur forget all his skills and training in that moment.

I do appreciate Arthur getting Mordred back though. Like that moment of merciless anger followed by the hurt and regret playing on Arthur's face, warring with surety and responsibility. It was good.

I've rewatched the big confession scene about 16 times just now.

I don't quite understand why Merlin took Arthur to the woods to begin with. Instead of bringing him to the med tent in the battlefield or back to Camelot. What was the reason?

Merlin saying it feels strange (to use magic freely in front of Arthur) and him just going 'yeah' completely deadpan makes me laugh every time.

I really feel like Arthur's head should be elevated at a further incline if he's going to be fed.

Gaius refusing to outright expose Merlin as the sorcerer but nonetheless letting Gwen figure it out on her own warms my heart.

My God Arthur is sitting there dying, feeling betrayed about his best friend 'lying' to him, and still he can't stop himself from looking at Merlin's mouth.

Percival summoned MUSCLE POWER

Hey um random but why does Gwaine even know where Merlin and Arthur are headed? Why would Gaius tell him?

Arthur looks at Merlin so lovingly after he's killed Morgana 😭😭

And now he's literally grabbing at the man's hand 😭 "just hold me, please"

That's gotta be the gayest death scene in television history. If you can watch that without thinking Arthur puts his hand on the back of Merlin's head because some part of him wants to bring him down for a kiss, or that "just hold me, please" is in any way shape or form a 'bros' thing, and certainly not at all an intentional mirror/callback to Isolde dying in Tristan's arms, then I'm afraid you are what we professionals refer to as a dumb-as-nails fucknugget, more commonly phrased as 'willfully ignorant'.

"All that you have dreamt of building has come to pass" yeah except for the whole, y'know, magic still being illegal thing.

I've said this before, but, while I'm sure there was a determined intention to have Arthur die in his armor, probably in some kind of attempt to make sure the audience knows he's died a warrior's death, I *really* think it was kinda stupid that Merlin never removed it, despite Arthur being weak, despite the fact that there was something like five days between him getting stabbed and him actually dying, despite that for the duration of that time they were traveling or hiding out. Merlin managed to produce a cloak to put on Arthur, why did he need the full armor on that whole time? Like even if they left the chainmail on, those plates on his shoulder were just getting in the way, and it looked quite uncomfortable.

Also not for nothing but Lancelot got like, every flower in the forest surrounding lush verdant greens in his death boat, Arthur gets a bunch of sticks.

It suddenly occurs to me, watching this now, that the reason Leon/Percival is such a common side pairing in Merthur fics, is because these two motherfuckers are the only original Knights of the Round Table to survive the series. 🤦‍♀️ I dunno how I failed to notice that before now. My stupidity amazes me.

I'm *really* glad they decided to do this scene with Gwen wearing the Pendragon red dress instead of the black mourning dress. Yes she looks fabulous in it but it's more the symbolism than the 'reality' - with Gwen wearing her house's colors it represents a continuation rather than a finality. Camelot will go on, Gwen will undoubtedly end the war on magic and with Morgana dead (and frankly, I think by now she already brought about the death of all the angry incel type rulers in Albion) there stands to reason her reign will begin with a period of peace, possibly longer than Arthur's. We kind of have to assume that the 'time the poets speak of' is, inevitably, Gwen's reign - which only came about through Arthur's death. It's a little bit toooo subtle in my opinion, but at the same time, I understand the need for the focus on Merlin and Arthur - after all, this show was their journey - not leaving much time to focus on Gwen and Camelot in the aftermath of Arthur's death.

I will just say, the first time I watched this that fucking truck scared the ever living shit out of me. I also just immediately, viscerally hated that scene and declared it invalid - but I think it was because the truck made me jump out of my skin. It has since grown on me, particularly once I started reading 'Arthur Returns' fic.

Everything beyond this point is post-series spec and headcanon, so if that's not your jam you can exit safe in the knowledge that as usual, if there's anything worth commenting on in the S5 extras, I will create a separate post!

For those interested, my go-to post-series fic is We Begin Again by katherynefromphilly I fully headcanon this series as the continuation of the series.

I have a lot of thoughts about Gwen and Merlin post-Camlann.

For one, poor fucking Gwen. She's lost her father, her brother, and her husband, all by what, age 30? That's rough. And who knows what happened to her mom, that was pre-series and I don't think it was ever mentioned.

Merlin, dear god poor Merlin. First of all, I just wanna say straight off that my instinctive headcanon about Merlin was that he never returned to Camelot. I couldn't really say why exactly. I just don't think he could stand being there after Arthur's death. But practically speaking, Merlin's still got Aithusa to deal with, that dragon needs some godsdamned house training asap. He's still the last Dragonlord, it's reasonable to assume he'd immediately take that on considering Aithusa is partially responsible for Arthur's death (the sword Mordred killed Arthur with, only succeeded in killing Arthur because it had been forged in Aithusa's fire-breath) so he's either going to attempt to train the bad behaviors out of Aithusa, or...well...

The only thing is, I do not believe Merlin would abandon Gwen, or Gaius. So my hc is inherently flawed. I do think Merlin probably spend a couple months with his mum, and I do think he ultimately settled near lake Avalon waiting for Arthur's return.

But I do wonder, what must their relationship have been like? Gwen, surely, would've sought his guidance in establishing laws governing the use of magic. And surely, peace cannot last indefinitely, so Merlin absolutely would've defended Camelot and protected Gwen. There's just no way he could've completely turned his back on them, but I doubt he could bear living in Camelot. And Gwen is both strong and practical enough to get on without him there 24/7, even though I'm sure she'd miss him.

I also think she would've found love again. Whether with Leon, as many people hc, or someone else not in the series.

ANYWAY.

Thanks to everyone who came on this journey with me. I will post comments on the extras if I have anything worth saying - and I think I'll do a master post linking all these episode posts after I clean them up once I get time to sit at a computer and do so. Until then! 💙💚

(Gif source) (h/t @shut-up-merlin)

#bbc merlin #bbc merlin spoilers #merlin #merlin spoilers #merthur #onceandfuturerewatch #5x12 #5x13 #5x12 the diamond of the day pt 1 #5x13 the diamond of the day pt 2 #bbc merlin 5x12 #bbc merlin 5x13 #merlin 5x12 #merlin 5x13 #the diamond of the day #the diamond of the day pt1 #the diamond of the day pt2 #for the love of Camelot

[noona-la-la-la]

Conditioned (Part 7)

Tae knows that if things are ever going to move forward between the two of you, he is going to have to take some initiative.  But he promises, he’s not trying to be your boyfriend.

Warnings: 14500 words.  Sex stuff - but you’ll have to read to find out what kind.  Nothing that sensitive folks need to worry too much about.  Also, snobby people being snobby. 

It’s long - so if you can’t get it to load on the app, please try reading it using a web browser.  

Chapter 1  2  3  4  5  6  7

==========================================================================================================================

“Where is Jimin tonight, anyways?”  Jin grabbed a fistfull of peanuts from the bowl sitting on the bar.  “Wasn’t it his idea to meet for afterwork drinks?  How come he isn’t here?”

Tae shrugged.  “He said he had a date with one of his ‘friends-with-benefits’ that came up unexpectedly.”

“That’s just so wrong.  Since when does Jimin ditch his boys to chase some tail?”  Jin rolled his eyes.

“Go easy on him.  He’s going through a mid-life crisis or something right now.  He’s on some kick about sexual liberation or whatever.  I think he got dumped one too many times and now he’s trying to build a sex harem or something like that.”

“Jimin?  Mr. Love-At-First-Sight, Park Jimin?  Hmmm… we’ll see how long this lasts, I guess.”   Jin motioned to the bartender to bring him another beer before continuing, “At least Jimin is trying to do something with his love life, unlike some people I know.”

“Is that supposed to be directed at me?  What’s wrong with my love life?”

“When was the last time you had a girlfriend?”

“So?  I know it’s been a while, but I’m just holding out for the right girl.  Besides, it’s not like I never go out.  I’ve got… you know… people of interest… or whatever.”  Tae took a big swig of his beer, unsure of what he was even saying.  

“Ah!  Right!  That date who sent you home early and alone the other week!  How’s that going?” Jin teased.

Tae didn’t appreciate the sarcastic tone.  “If you must know, we had a second date a few days ago.  At her place, no less.”

“Did you have sex?”

“Excuse me?  What does that matter?”  Tae feigned insult, but instantly started remembering the taste of you on his tongue, your mouth pressed against his most private areas, your fingers exploring parts of him he’d never even considered letting anyone explore before.  

“Dude!  Are your ears turning red?  What exactly went on during this date?!”  Jin swiveled on his bar stool to fully face Tae.

“It’s nothing.  We fooled around a bit after dinner. That’s all.”

“Bullshit.  You’ve ‘fooled around’ with plenty of women and I’ve never once seen you blush when talking about it.  Holy shit!  You like this woman, don’t you?!”

“Of course I like her.  I wouldn’t be spending time with her if I didn’t enjoy her company, you know.”  Tae went to take another swig of his beer only to find the bottle empty.

“You know what I meant.  You LIKE like her.  Maybe you even loooooove her,” Jin teased Tae, punctuating the word love with a sing-song voice and exaggerated kissing noises.  “So who is she?  Didn’t you say she was someone you used to know from the past or something?  How do you know her?  What’s her name?”

Tae immediately regretted his decision to mention you at all.  “Where is the bartender?  I need another beer.”  Tae turned away from Jin, looking down the length of the bar for the missing bartender.  “They always do this when happy hour prices are about to expire.  I bet you anything that guy will reappear one minute after the half price beer special is over.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m not.”   Except, he was trying to change the subject.  Any mention to Jin that Tae was seeing you would immediately get relayed back to Jin’s girlfriend, Youngsook.  And once Youngsook knew, there was no telling what she would say or do next, but it most certainly wouldn’t work out in Tae’s favor.  “Look, everything is still very much in the early stages.  I don’t even know if this girl likes me that much yet, so I don’t want to jinx things by talking about it right now.  Okay?”

“Since when were you superstitious?  Jinxing?  C’mon!”  Jin was dismissive.

Tae turned back to Jin, lips tight and brow furrowed.  “I’m serious.”

Shrugging his shoulders, Jin gave up and changed the subject.  “Speaking of superstitious people, Youngsookie went to see a fortune teller who told her that the reason she isn’t married yet is because her name is unlucky and she needs to change it to something more youthful and attractive to marrying age men. Can you believe that bullshit?”

“Well, Youngsook is kinda an old fashioned name…”

“Don’t encourage this behavior.  This fortune teller is full of shit and Youngsook knows it.  She is doing this to try to pressure me into proposing.”

“And you don’t want to marry Youngsook?”

“Of course I want to marry her. Why wouldn’t I want to marry her.  We’re in love and I plan on spending the rest of my life with her.  I just don’t like being pressured into things.  She’s playing games with this fortune teller thing.”

“It sounds like you are both playing games,” Tae advised.

“Psssh.  I’m not taking love advice from a guy with a secret girlfriend.”

=============================================================

When happy hour was over, Jin abandoned Tae to go visit Youngsook, leaving Tae to take a taxi home by himself.  The driver hummed along to the songs playing on the radio while Tae settled back in his seat and watched the city go by.  While stopped at a light, he focused on a young couple holding hands as they crossed the street.  It had been a while since he had felt that type of casual intimacy with someone.

The back seat of the taxi was warm and comfortable; for some reason it reminded him of the sofa in your apartment.  Tae closed his eyes and remembered sitting in your living room a few nights ago, the apartment dark except for the flickering lights from your television, his arm outstretched across the back of the sofa, your head lying heavily against his chest, the sound of your breathing soft and steady.  He could vividly remember every detail of that moment.  

He could also remember the crushing disappointment when you finally awoke and apologized for falling asleep and escorted him to your door with a promise that the two of you would meet again soon.  But when would soon be?

“This is ridiculous,” Tae muttered to himself.  “If you want to see her, then you’ve got to be the one to make this happen.”

He pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed…

“Hi Tae.  What’s up?”  Your voice was breathy and you sounded tired.

“Hi.  I was just on my way home and was thinking about you.  Wondered what you’re up to and how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine.  It was a long day today and I’m feeling exhausted.  Thinking about turning in early to sleep.  I signed up for this fitness boot camp and today was the first session at 5:30 a.m.  It’s only 4 weeks long, but I’m not sure I’ll survive it.  I’m just looking forward to crawling into bed.”

“Ah.  Well, I won’t keep you then.  I was just wondering if you might be interested in getting together and doing something Friday night.  You’re not working the late shift that night are you?”  

“I actually have plans Friday night.”

“Oh.”  Tae had drunk just enough beers at the bar to give him the confidence to call you and ask you out, but not quite enough to know what to do with rejection.  After an awkward silence, he continued, “What are you going to be doing?”  

“Um… I’m going to a party.”

“Oh?  That’s nice.  Who’s throwing the party?  Is it like a birthday or something?”

“Maybe party isn’t exactly the right thing to call it.  It’s more like I have been invited to a gathering of like minded people.”

“Like minded?”

“Yeah.  I met a guy who belongs to a… um… social group that he thought I might enjoy belonging to.  We have similar interests.”

“What kind of interests?”

You ignored the question.  “What was it that you wanted us to do on Friday?  Maybe we can do it on another day.”

Tae took the hint.   “Honestly, I hadn’t thought that far ahead.  Friday just seemed like a good day to do… something.  I was just looking forward to seeing you sometime soon.  No expectations or anything… you know… just… I enjoy spending time with you.”  God - he sounded like a kid when he said things like that.

“Unfortunately, I work to store closing on Saturday and opening on Sunday, so the rest of my weekend is kinda shot.  However, there is this thing happening next Friday night that I was thinking about calling you for.”

“Oh?”  Tae sat upright. 

You cleared your throat and sighed.  “This is a bit embarrassing, so please don’t laugh at me.  I can’t believe I got myself into this predicament and it’s totally not like me.”

“Now I’m really curious.  What’s going on?”

“I’ve been taking painting classes at this art center.  It’s actually not that far from where you live.  They have guest artists come in and show different techniques and it’s run by this guy who is a professor of art at Seoul University and I’ve always been kinda weak with water colors, so I thought it would be a good way to get back into art, build up my skills, maybe meet other people interested in painting, and stuff like that.”

“I think it’s great that you are getting more into your painting.  You’ve got real talent.”

“That’s sweet of you to say that -- but there’s more to this story.  So, all the other people in this class… I can’t stand them.  The class is fine.  The professor is very skilled.  But the other students?  My god!  It’s all wealthy wives and daughters of the Seoul elite.  I don’t think a single one of them actually cares about art.  Not really.  They are just there to figure out how to paint something in colors that will match their sofa cushions.  And you should hear the conversations between them, it’s all so vapid and dull.  It’s all about where their husbands are taking the family on vacation or what their boyfriends bought for them.  Or worse!  They gossip about all the women they know whose marriages aren’t successful or they tut about some poor girl who can’t keep a boyfriend.  Their self righteous pitying of others really gets to me.”  You were getting breathless recalling them.

“That sounds really annoying.  I can’t imagine women like that knew what to do with someone like you.  So what does this all have to do with next Friday?”

You took a deep breath before rushing through your explanation.  “The classes are over, but the art center does this pseudo art gallery opening type thing where they hang all the students artwork, and their family or whoever can come and see, and it’s like a reception and there are apparently prizes for the best pieces or something, and I think they serve food and drink, and I was thinking about not going because I don’t have any family, but it seems a shame to not see this thing through to the end, and I thought maybe you would be willing to come so I didn’t look entirely friendless.”  

“Of course I’ll come.  It sounds fun.”  Tae was certain he could feel his heart starting to swell at the thought that you wanted him to come to something so personal to you.

“You really don’t have to do this if you don’t want to or you are busy.  It’s just a student show.  Most of the stuff there is going to be crap.”

“No, really.  I want to.  I’m interested to see what you’ve created.”

“You might want to withhold your agreement to come until you’ve heard the rest.”

“There’s more?”

“Yeah.  I didn’t even get to the embarrassing part yet.”

“What’s the embarrassing part?”  Tae couldn’t even imagine what someone like you might find embarrassing.  You seemed impervious to the opinions of others.

“I just didn’t want drama or pity or really to even deal with those women in my class, so I may not have been completely honest with them.  I might have told them a little lie.”

“What kind of lie?”

“That I had a boyfriend.”

“Oh.”  

“And that my boyfriend’s name is Tae.”

“Oh?”  For a brief moment Tae wondered if he heard you wrong.

“I know.  I know!  What was I thinking?  I almost never give a fuck what anyone thinks of me, but something about these women just really got to me.  They remind me of my mother and sister, to tell you the truth.  I think I just automatically went into survival mode and… ugh.  I’m not this kind of person.  Really.  It’s just that if you show up, they are going to assume you are my boyfriend and I don’t want to put you on the spot like that.”

Stunned into silence, Tae’s mind started to spin.  It was hard enough to imagine someone like you, who was so fiercely independent and indifferent to the opinions of others, had somehow been cowed into pretending to be someone you weren’t just to impress people you barely knew.  But the fact that you had chosen his name for your make-believe boyfriend must mean something?  Didn’t it?  At least he hoped it meant something.

The lingering silence on the phone prompted you to continue talking.  “You know what?  Forget it.  I’m sorry I even mentioned it.  I’m not going to this stupid thing.  I was being silly and…”

“But I want to go!”  Tae interjected.

“No.  It’s not right to do this to you.  We’re friends and asking you to pretend to be my boyfriend just to keep up some stupid lie I told is too much.  I’m embarrassed I even asked you.”

“I said I want to go!  I was looking forward to spending some time with you anyways, I’m very interested in seeing your artwork, I’m kinda curious to see these women who got you flustered enough to lie like this, and I… um… you know… stuff like that.”  He swallowed  back the urge to also say he would like nothing more than to have you as his girlfriend for an evening, even if it was only pretend.

=============================================================

Friday finally came.

Tae had spent the previous week getting a haircut, a manicure, and buying a fancy designer suit.  He had spent more money on this suit than he had on any piece of clothing in his life, but he recalled how you said that your classmates were all members of Seoul’s elite class and he wanted to look like he fit in.  Even if he was only going to be a fake boyfriend, he wanted to make sure you weren’t embarrassed to be seen with him.

The art center was only a couple subway stops away from his apartment, in a nondescript office building.  Tae had walked past this building many times before, giving no thought to what might be housed behind the beige concrete walls.

Taking the elevator to the top floor, Tae tried to calm his nerves.  He was always a little nervous to see you, never knowing what the night would have in store.  He had texted you a couple times earlier in the week to make sure you didn’t want him escorting you to the venue - but you had refused, saying that the students were all meant to arrive early and make sure their works were displayed properly.   

The blandness of the building’s exterior did not prepare him for the luxuriousness of the top floor gallery space.  Stepping off the elevator he was greeted by white marble floors and gold leafed ceilings.  Blue velvet sofas flanked the lobby with an art nouveau style wooden bar and an intricately etched mirror sitting along the eastern wall of the lobby area. The bartender poured bottles of Dom Perignon into flutes which tuxedoed servers passed around on trays.  Drinking the champagne were patrons dressed conspicuously in high end designer fashion, making sure their Chanel or Balmain logos were easily visible to anyone passing by.  Elderly women with perfectly manicured nails spoke with their hands, fingers laden with diamond rings large enough to be seen across the room.

The display of wealth was disconcertingly ostentatious.  

Large glass doors marked the entrance to the actual gallery space, with it’s traditionally plain white walls to best display the art.  The room was divided up by the different classes, students with yellow ribbons bearing their names pinned to their chests.  Tae passed through a display of pottery meant to mimic the celadon bowls of ancient Korea.  Following was a myriad of large black and white photos, each one looking much like the next.  Busy city streets at night, a parade of ducks floating on ponds, and photo after photo of trees. Oil paintings came next, each one more mediocre than the one before.  Slightly wonky portraits of family pets hung next to mountain landscapes that seemed unnaturally lit.  He paused for a moment to look around and wonder at how much everything seemed to be the same, completely predictable and monotonous -- until his eyes came to rest on a single small painting of an apple, worm riddled and rotting.  The painter appeared to be a young woman, who could not have been much older than 20, dressed head to toe in black, standing tight-lipped and eyes rolling her parents entertained a bevy of old ladies dripping in pearls.

He finally found the water color section along the back wall, the space seemed excessively crowded as artists showed off their works to an endless stream of family and friends.  For a moment, Tae wondered if he would be able to find you in this crowd - until he saw your neon yellow dress, which was so bright there was no way everyone in that hall had not seen you. Long sleeved and long hemmed, it clung tightly to your hips and the high neckline draped to one side, leaving the slightest bit of shoulder exposed, reminding Tae that no matter what you wore, your sex appeal was always apparent.

You stood all alone, one hand holding a glass of champagne to your lips, the other hand resting defiantly on your hip.  Your face was drawn and sullen, until you noticed Tae walking towards you and he swore he could see your face relax and a hint of a smile cross your lips.

“I’m so glad you made it!”  You seemed genuinely pleased.

Tae couldn’t help but wonder at how lonely you must feel so far away from home, with no family and few friends to invite to the events in your life.  “I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.”

“I wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t come.  I kind of wish I wasn’t here right now.”

“Why?  This isn’t so bad.  You are surrounded by art and they are serving very fancy champagne.”

“The champagne is great but the art… did you get a chance to look around at all?”

“Yeah, I took a look as I wandered through.”

“And what did you think?”

“I’m not an art critic or anything.  It’s not fair for me to judge.”

“You are being too nice, as usual.  You stretched your hand out and gestured vaguely to the other artists’ works.  “Did you really see anything that made you think - ‘ah, that’s interesting’?”

“There was one painting of an apple…”  he recalled.

You held up one finger as if suddenly realizing something.  “Her!  Yes!  I saw that rotting apple and did feel a little relieved that there was someone here that had something of substance to say.  Although, I introduced myself to her earlier in the evening and I think her artistic vision is I’m-a-teenager-and-my-parents-made-me-come-here-against-my-will-so-I’m-only-going-to-paint-dead-things kind of thing.  Not really profound, but I still appreciate the rebellious spirit in a place like this.”

“Was it really so bad here?”

You paused to think before speaking.  “Honestly, the guy who taught the class was very good.  I picked this studio for classes specifically because it has a reputation of having well known artists and renowned art professors come to teach courses or seminars.  But I should have known when I saw how insanely expensive the class was that this was the kind of place not intended for artistry but instead was exclusively for the amusement of the rich and snooty.  They can attract big names because of big money.  I’ve been in these kinds of environments way too many times in my life and it’s one thing that I absolutely do not miss about life back in the US.”

Tae nodded and sipped his champagne.  He often forgot that you came from a wealthy family who were still paying your way and wondered what your life back home with your parents was really like.  You made it sound like you had lived in a gilded cage.

“So, are you going to show me your paintings or what?  Show me what a true artist is capable of.”

“Oh god.”  You wrinkled your nose.  “I’ve been acting like an art snob and now I’m going to embarrass myself with my completely average abilities.  Please remember, I’m a student for a reason and calling me an artist seems like an overreach.”

You stepped to the side so Tae could get closer to where your paintings hung along the wall.  There were a small handful of sketches and three fully completed paintings hanging neatly in simple black metal frames.

“There were three assignments in the class.  Do a still life, a landscape and a self portrait,” you informed him.

A smile spread across Tae’s face at the sight of your still life.  An artistic rendering of a bowl of popcorn, a crumpled and half eaten bag of potato chips and an almost empty glass of wine with lipstick marks at the rim.  “Aren’t most still life’s supposed to be bowls of fruit or something like that?”

“Everybody does fruit.  Besides, I eat out so often, I rarely have fresh fruit at home and I thought this was a more accurate depiction of what I actually keep in my kitchen.  My only regret is that I didn’t pick something with more color.  Although trying to make all that yellow, white and brown look interesting was its own challenge.”

“I like it.”  Tae was instantly reminded of the few evenings spent at your place, watching movies, snacking on chips, drinking wine… and everything else that came with it.  “It reminds me of you.”

The second painting was the landscape.  A wide green lawn, a forest of trees in the background, and a serene looking pond, surrounded by tall grasses and pussy willows.  

“That’s very pretty,” Tae commented.  Your skill was evident compared to the other students.  The precision with which you painted, the naturalness of the image, the way the light hit the surface of the pond was impressive, even if the subject itself wasn’t much different from what the other students painted.  “Is this a real place?”

“It’s the backyard at my parents.”

Tae looked again at the wide lawn.  “That’s a big backyard!  And you guys have a whole pond?”

“It’s a man made pond.  Smaller in real life than it looks here.  But yeah -- it’s a pretty big yard for the neighborhood.  My parents always had to have the biggest of everything.  Biggest house, biggest yard, fanciest cars, et cetera.  They are into showing off.”

You watched Tae’s face intently as he looked at the painting.  “Do you see it?” you asked.  “There’s something else in the painting. It’s a bit more muddled than I would have liked, but that’s my challenge working in this medium.”

Tae leaned in more closely.  “Where am I supposed to be looking?”

“The pond.”

He studied the painting closely.  There were no animals in the painting, nothing indicated wind blowing or rain falling, but to one side, there was a small ripple on the surface of the water.  Looking more closely, what he originally thought was just a shadow, he realized was actually something floating under the surface.  Tae squinted to make it out more clearly -- what looked like a head, hair floating freely, obscuring the figure, and what looked like a hand stretching upwards, reaching for the surface but not quite making it.  “Good lord.  Is she drowning?”

“Yeah.  Something like that.”

“That’s… morbid,”  was all Tae could muster.

“That’s life at my parent’s house.”

The final painting was the self portrait.  Tae held in a gasp when he saw it.  

It was more stylized than the first two paintings, your image rendered mostly in shades of red against a dark background - looking as though the red light emanated from your body and lit the darkness behind you.  The features of your face were blurry and indistinct, but the image became crystal clear as it moved lower to your body.  You were draped in a large shirt, like the dress shirt of a man much larger than yourself, unbuttoned and falling off your shoulders and exposing your perfectly illustrated breasts.  The attention to detail you put into the presentation of your body was remarkable.  Your legs were spread wide, your knees looking dark and bruised, and your most intimate place just barely covered by the shirt tails pooling between your legs.

He didn’t know what to say and could only stand there staring.

“It would have been better if I did it in oils.  Getting the balance of dark and light using watercolors was a lot more effort than I anticipated.  I almost gave up and did it on a light background, but I’m glad I stuck with my original vision.”

“It’s… amazing.”

“But?” you asked. “I feel like there is a hesitation there.”

“No.  It’s really good. I like it a lot.  Although I’m surprised you chose to do a nude given what you said about the environment here.  What did your classmates think?  What did the professor think?”

“My classmates were shocked and appalled until the professor praised me in front of everyone for being so bold.  Now they are pretending to be okay with it, but I know they hate it.  And that kind of makes me love it even more.”

“Still, I’m surprised you went there.  By the way, why did you choose to blur your face?”

“The face?  I don’t know.”  You chewed on your bottom lip while you contemplated.  “My first thought when doing a self portrait was to just do a giant painting of my vulva.”

Tae stared at you wide eyed.

“I’m serious,” you retorted against his unspoken question.  “I’ve got a dozen sketches of my pussy back at the apartment.  But I thought that might be a bit much for this environment.  I’m not looking to make trouble for trouble’s sake.  Still, I thought a self portrait, for me, would make more sense to display my sex or sexuality more than my face.  The face isn’t what matters - it’s a distraction.”

“Is this the boyfriend?!”  A shrill voice cut across the room.  Tae turned to see a middle aged woman barreling towards him.  

You leaned over and whispered in Tae’s ear, “If you run away now, I won’t hold it against you.”

“It’s so nice to finally meet you.”  The woman stood in directly in front of Tae, her face a testament to Korea’s plastic surgery industry, skin pulled so tight it was a wonder she was even able to speak.  “To tell you the truth, we were starting to wonder if you were actually real.  This one,” she said motioning in your direction, “doesn’t even have a photo of you on her phone.  What kind of girlfriend doesn’t keep photos of her boyfriend on her phone?  I told the other girls that maybe you were deformed or something.  But here you are, looking completely fit and healthy.  It makes me wonder why she kept you hidden.”

Tae struggled to read the woman’s name tag, pinned to her ample bosom.  “Mrs… um… Choi, is it?  It’s nice to meet you.”  The woman was standing so close to him that Tae had to take a couple steps backwards in order to properly bow in greeting.  “I guess we just aren’t sentimental types.  I don’t have a photo on my phone either.”

“That makes no sense.”  A voice from behind Tae spoke, he turned again to see three more women standing behind him.  

“Excuse me?”  Tae was starting to feel surrounded.

“I’m Mrs. Kim Mi Kyung.  That is Mrs. Park Young Ja and her daughter Miss Yi Hyo Joo.”  Mrs. Kim was another one who stood a little to close, the heavy scent of her generously applied perfume made Tae’s eyes almost start to water.  “I was saying it makes no sense for a man to not keep photos of his girlfriend on his phone.  She’s pretty and she comes from such a distinguished family.  Some other man who is more attentive is likely to come by and snatch her away from you if you aren’t careful.  If she ever gets those cheekbones shaved down, like I’ve been telling her to do, she could get just about any man she wants.”

“I’m perfectly happy with my cheekbones the way they are, Mrs. Kim,” you sighed in exasperation.

“Of course you are dear.  Those foreigners in America are very forgiving of facial flaws.  But your father is a plastic surgeon and I don’t understand why you wouldn’t take advantage of that fact and just get a little tune up.  You could be so much prettier.”

 “I actually think her face is beautiful right now.  I wouldn’t want her to change a thing,” Tae declared.

“And just how exactly was it that the two of you met?”  Mrs. Park asked from behind Mrs. Kim.

Tae hesitated and looked at you, wondering if you had made up some story and told them previously.  You just shrugged and told him to “Go ahead and tell them how we met… sweetie.”

“It was a blind date.  She is the friend of a friend.”  Tae couldn’t help but think back to the day he saw you sitting across from him at the bar.  He had no idea what he was getting himself into.

“She said you guys were childhood friends,” Hyo Joo stepped forward and looked down her nose at Tae’s shoes and he suddenly became acutely aware of the fact that although he had spent considerable money on a new suit, he was wearing the same pair of dress shoes that he had owned for the last several years.

“We were schoolmates when we were kids and lost track of each other when she moved back to America.  We met again later on a blind date, by coincidence.”

“But she made it sound like it wasn’t so much an organized blind date, but rather a friend dragged her to a bar and you were there trying to pick her up,” Hyo Joo pushed back.

Mrs. Park elbowed her daughter in the ribs.  “Will you please just behave, Hyo Joo.  He’s obviously trying to be polite and make their meeting sound less tacky.”  Mrs. Park plastered on her best fake smile and turned back towards Tae, “I apologize for my daughter.  She has a tendency to be excessively honest.  She hasn’t quite grasped the concept of being discrete as you have.”

“What exactly is it that you do for a living?” Mrs. Choi suddenly asked.  “She said you were in business, but wouldn’t say where exactly.”  

Tae informed her of the name of the company.

“I’m familiar with the family that owns the business,” Mrs. Park commented.   “The grandmother is one of the founding members of this art center.  The youngest son is classmates with your son, isn’t that right Mrs. Choi?”

“That’s right.”  Mrs. Choi cocked her head to the right as if she was trying to figure something out.  “I believe the business is 100% family owned.  What exactly is it that you do there?”

Tae could feel the back of his neck getting hot as he grew frustrated with the direction of this conversation.  “I work in project management.”

“So your title is Project Manager?” asked Hyo Joo.

“Assistant Project Manager.”  Tae had never been ashamed of his job.  He worked hard and felt the company treated him fairly.  He was even up for a promotion next month and his boss made it sound like he was a shoo in.  But it was a family owned firm and Tae’s ability to advance would always be limited by the fact that he wasn’t part of the family.  Tae didn’t mind that - he had only ever really aspired to make a nice stable middle class lifestyle for himself, but that would never be acceptable for women like these.

Hyo Joo stifled a laugh.  “Assistant Project Manager?”  She took another look at Tae’s shoes and simply stated, “Well, that seems about right.”

Mrs. Park pinched her daughters arm in warning to be more polite.  “I’m sure you are a very diligent worker,” she said with a smile but the condescension was barely contained.

Mrs. Choi ignored Tae entirely and turned to you, “Are your parents aware that you two are dating?”

Mrs. Kim could barely hold back the grin from her smug face.  She turned away from Tae to address you directly, taking hold of your hand and patting it as if concerned. “You aren’t getting any younger, my dear.  Painting dirty pictures and dating whomever you please is all fun and games when you are young, but you should start thinking about your future.  Consider your parents; I’m sure they would want you to make sensible choices.”

Tae watched you as your face went pale and your eyes hardened.  You slowly extracted your hand from Mrs. Kim’s grip and you addressed her coldly, “I appreciate your well intentioned advice, Mrs. Kim.  I’m sure you feel quite a kinship with my parents, seeing as how you seem to be such a wonderful customer of their products.  However, I assure you that my parents are fully capable of expressing their thoughts on my lifestyle and who I choose to spend my time with on their own, without your intervention.  Now, I hope you will excuse me as I take my friend to get a drink, as I am feeling rather parched.”

You grabbed Tae’s hand, gripping him so tightly that he couldn’t have pulled free if he tried.  You marched through the crowd, dragging him along side you.  You gave no mind to the people in front of you, most of whom had to jump out of your way to avoid being mowed over.  You nicked one fur clad woman in the shoulder, knocking her glass of champagne from her hand, but you never paused or looked back.  

Finally, you stopped in front of the coat check in the lobby to gather your bag and coat. 

“So, are we not getting a drink from the bar?” Tae asked naively.

“We’re leaving.  I should never have asked you to come here.  I can’t believe how rude those women were to you.  And it’s all my fault for putting you through it.  I should have known that they would act that way.”

“So…” Tae demurred, “Where exactly are we going, then?”

=============================================================

Tae watched you combing through the aisles of the convenience store when he asked you again,  “Are you sure you don’t want to go someplace decent to eat?  We’re all dressed up and it seems a shame to waste it on… this.”

“Nope. This is perfect.”  The small handbasket you carried was filled with instant ramyeon, kimbap, corn chips, dried squid, and beer.  “I think we should pick out something for dessert.”  

Leaning over to get a closer look at the array of cookies and snack cakes, your dress slipped a little, making the tag at your neckline visible.  Tae stared at the name on the label, “Versace”, and couldn’t help but wonder.  How rich is your family?  Those women at the art show seemed very aware of who your parents are.  Would your family really look down on him and his very average lifestyle?  You didn’t seem to be the kind of person to care much about those kinds of things, but then again, you were here in the 7-11 wearing a dress that must have cost at least 1 million won.  It had been your idea to eat convenience store food in the first place.  Was it because you worried that he couldn’t afford a real meal?

Lost in thought, Tae almost didn’t see you standing at the counter getting ready to pay for your basket full of food.  He rushed forward, pulling his wallet out of his pocket and getting to the counter just in time to hand his credit card to the cashier while you were still digging in your purse.

“Tae, I’m the one who insisted on getting all this food.  You don’t have to pay.”

“Yes, I do,” Tae insisted.  “I really, really do.”  He prepared his argument for when you objected like you always did, but instead you just nodded your head and zipped your purse closed.  He wasn’t sure if this was some small victory or an act of pity.

“The machines to make the ramyeon are over there,” Tae pointed towards the wall.

“Doesn’t it seem too crowded to eat here?”

Tae followed your eyes towards a group of giggling teenage girls lined up against the window counter.  “There are a couple tables out in front, it’s a nice evening and we could sit…”

“You don’t live far from here, right?” you interrupted.

“My place?” 

“Yeah, these shoes are too tight and I just want to be someplace comfortable.”

“And my apartment is comfortable?”

“If you don’t want me there, Tae, that’s fine.  You just have to say so.  We can sit out in front of the store instead.”

Tae didn’t hesitate.  “I’ll hail a taxi, we should be there in less than 10 minutes.”

=============================================================

Holding the door open for you, Tae let you enter his studio apartment first.  It was small, but it had a low counter that separated the kitchen from the rest of the living area, making it feel like two rooms.  He had been proud of his home when he moved in and taken great pleasure in his trips to Ikea to furnish it.  For the first time, though, he started to compare his living arrangements to yours.

You lived alone, but you still had a large two bedroom place, although he wasn’t quite sure what you used the second bedroom for.  You had separate living and dining areas and a bathroom tiled floor to ceiling in marble. Your furnishings seemed to be very high quality and the balcony across the front looked out onto a large park.

He knew your parents were paying the rent on the place… but if that was the kind of apartment they set up for the daughter they sent away as punishment, he couldn’t imagine how luxurious your home was growing up.

“Where do you keep your pots?”  You were already in the kitchen, opening up cabinets in search of what you needed.

“Behind you.”  Tae reached around you to open the door to the only cabinet you had not yet explored.  He could smell your perfume when he stood that close and, even after all your time together, his heart raced a little just from his proximity to you.

You filled the pot with water, placed it on the stove burner, and dumped in the contents of the ramyeon packets into the pot.  It was a simple, domestic scene but it felt a bit off with you standing barefoot in his shabby kitchen making pot ramyeon while wearing pricey Italian couture. 

“Can I ask you something?”  Tae inquired while he pulled a small container of kimchi from the refrigerator and set about preparing the other contents of your convenience store haul.

“Of course you can.  Anything you want to know, ask away.  I’ve got no secrets.”

Tae wanted to roll his eyes at the demonstrable lie.  You were clearly full of secrets.  “Why do you work at the store?  I mean, you don’t really need the money.”

“I wouldn’t say I don’t need the money.  If I’m not working, then I am completely dependent on what my mother is willing to give me.  And anything she is willing to give me always comes with a set of conditions.  If I want to have any freedom, then I need to have access to my own funds.”  You pulled the pot from the stovetop and set it on a folded up towel on the low counter. 

The rest of the food surrounded the ramyeon and you and Tae sat at the counter to enjoy your makeshift feast.

“But why the store?” Tae asked.  “Retail schedules are erratic, and you have to work weekends and holidays most of the time, plus you have to always been polite and smile to everyone, no matter how annoying the customers are…”

“Excuse me?” you feigned insult.  “Are you saying that I might be challenged by having to be fake polite to strangers all day, every day?”  The grin on your face assured Tae that you weren’t exactly bothered by the implication.  

“You just don’t seem like the kind of person who would find customer service to be… um… invigorating.”

Slurping your ramen and reaching across the counter to pick up a kimbap, you replied, “Actually, I’ve spent a lifetime being fake nice on my family’s behalf.  Pretending to be someone I’m not isn’t exactly something I enjoy, but it’s a talent I’ve developed over time.  That and getting naked in front of strangers are the only things I’m really good at.”

“Those aren’t the only talents you have.  What about your art?“

“What about it?  Art doesn’t exactly pay the bills.”

“But there are lots of professional artists.  And you are incredibly talented.  Seriously.”

You scoffed at him.  “For every artist who makes a living at their craft, there are probably 1000 who can’t earn enough to cover the cost of their materials.  It takes an enormous amount of effort to promote yourself and it still comes down to luck and connections.  My family is completely opposed to my artistic endeavors so I can’t use them for their many connections.  Which means I’m left to my own devices and frankly, the art world can be pretty cruel.”

Tae was confused.  “I’m sure your parents weren’t supportive of your stripping career and that has to be a cruel world too.  But you did it anyway.  Why were you willing to put in the effort for stripping but not for your art?”

Sternly, you turned to Tae.  “The reality is that the average man values my pussy more than my art.  It takes a lot less effort for me to pull down my panties and spread my legs for some random guy to shower me with money than to spend days or even weeks pouring my feelings onto a canvas only to be ignored.  Besides, so many of the men I’ve met in the art world who praise my work are only doing it so they can get in my pants.  Even that professor at the art thing tonight, he would praise me in front of the class and then proposition me afterwards.  It’s always like that.  So I managed to get the best of both worlds.  I paint for my own satisfaction and I fuck for my own satisfaction.  There is no need to mix the two.”

“Still… you really are a talented artist.  I was super impressed with your paintings.” It bothered Tae that you thought people valued you more for your sexuality than for your other capabilities.  “And I’m not just saying that because I want something from you.  I really mean it.”

“But you do want something more from me too, don’t you Tae?”  You swiveled on the stool, angling your body to show off your curves, your skirt riding above your knees and threatening to creep higher.  “Your motives aren’t exactly pure, are they?”

This felt like a trick question.  Of course he wanted more from you; this wasn’t a secret.  You had spent plenty of time taking advantage of his lust for you, teasing and torturing him.   But Tae was fairly certain you had no idea how much he admired you as a person, regardless of his sexual fantasies.  You were bold and unabashed when you spoke, a characteristic Tae wish he had but didn’t have the courage for it.  You were resilient in adversity; Tae wasn’t sure he’d be able to make a life for himself in a different country the way you had.  Your artistic abilities were remarkable; Tae wished he had some special talent or passion for anything -- but instead he possessed no special skills and didn’t really aspire to any.  You were amazing while he was utterly average; it made him wonder why you spent any time with him at all.

“Hey, Tae? Are you avoiding the question?”  You prodded for a response.  

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”  Tae fretted over the right words.  “You know I’m attracted to you.  You know that already.  But I don’t think you really understand how much I just like you as a person too. I just… I… I think you’re really cool.  I enjoy your company and I’d like to spend time with you more often”  

Tae could feel himself starting to blush like a school boy who just confessed to the girl he likes.  Acting nonchalant, he turned away from you to grab the bag of chips.  Maybe if he stuffed his mouth full he wouldn’t say anything more to embarrass himself.

“I think you’re cool too, Tae, and I also enjoy your company.  That’s why we are friends.”

“But?” Tae asked, almost under his breath, barely audible.

“But what?” you inquired.  “I like you.  The end.”

“Are you sure that is ‘the end’?” Tae focused on brushing the crumbs from his shirt to avoid looking at you directly.  “There always seems to be some sort of condition to our interactions.”

“Ok, fine.  But… you know I’m not a monogamous kind of girl.  I’m good at friendships and bad at dating.  I’m not the girlfriend type.”

“Did I ask you to be my girlfriend?” Tae huffed.  “You’re always saying things like that.  I’m not trying to tie you down.  I’m not asking you to change your ways.  You’re the one out there telling people I’m your boyfriend.” 

Tae stuffed another handful of chips into his mouth to prevent himself from speaking further.  He didn’t mean to mention the boyfriend comment.  He really didn’t.  It just slipped out.  He waited for you to speak, but there was nothing.  When he finally got the courage to look at you again, you were looking straight back at him.  

“I’m sorry for being so presumptuous,” you told him.  “I’m embarrassed about lying to those women and it was wrong for me to ask you to go along with my lie.  They were rude to you and you don’t deserve that.  I never should have put you in such an uncomfortable situation.”  

“It wasn’t that uncomfortable,” Tae replied sheepishly.  “Anytime you need a make-believe boyfriend, feel free to call me.  I’m happy to help.”

“I appreciate the offer, but I promise that won’t happen again.  I spent many years pretending to be someone I’m not in front of women just like the ones you met this evening.  I thought I had outgrown that stage of my life, but…” your thoughts trailed off incomplete.  “Anyways, I pride myself on being honest, so next time someone asks if I am dating anyone, I’ll simply tell them I avoid having a boyfriend because it interferes with my sex life.”  

Tae furrowed his brow and asked, “Does it really have to be that way?  Aren’t there people who do the whole ‘open relationship’ thing?”

“Sure, there are people like that.  I had sex with a married man last week while his wife sat there and watched.  They seemed happy, I guess.  But you never really know what goes on in other people’s relationships.”  You took another mouthful of ramyeon, slurping up the noodles, a drop of broth trickled down your chin before you dabbed it away.

Tae wondered at how casually you just mentioned that you had sex with a married couple several days ago.  He should be used to this by now, he thought, but it still managed to surprise him a little.  “So have you tried having an open relationship before?”

“I’ve already told you I’m bad at relationships.  My parents were terrible role models, my sister’s marriage is a joke… I’ve tried having boyfriends before when I was younger but it always just blows up and it seems so unnecessary.  What am I going to get from being in a relationship that I can’t get from my life the way it is now?”

Reliability, consistency, comfort, safety, Tae thought to himself.  His own relationships had all failed one way or the other, so who was he to challenge you on the value of being in one.  He looked at his parents’ relationship and wished he could feel a love like that, but maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.  Maybe your way wasn’t such a bad idea.

“Do you want to fuck me, Tae?”  You took a swig of beer and stared straight at him, waiting for a response.

The question seemed to come out of the blue, and Tae struggled to maintain his composure.  “Are you asking for general knowledge or are you are suggesting we have sex right now?”  Tae could feel his heart beating faster and his groin start to ache at the mere suggestion of sex with you, but he knew better than to assume that anything was going to happen.  “Because you know I want to.”

“I want to fuck you too, Tae.  I really do.  But it’s not going to happen right now.”  You set your beer on the counter and pushed your bowl of ramyeon to the side, indicating meal time was over.  “What I really want to know is, if I were to start fucking you, could you handle it?”

“What makes you think that I couldn’t.”  He tried to mask his bruised ego at the suggestion that he wouldn’t be man enough to handle being with someone like you, although deep down he had his own doubts.  “You’re acting like I’m an inexperienced child.  It’s not like I’ve never had sex before.”

“I know.  But could you handle fucking me if you knew that some other guy’s cock had been inside me the day before and a different guy would probably be inside me the day after.”  You watched his face intently, looking for any betrayal of his true feelings.

“I’d be fine.  I’m sure.”  But he wasn’t actually sure at all.  He knew you had sex with other people now, and it did bother him a little that these guys got to do what they wanted with you while he got whatever crumbs you were willing to toss his way.  But you always referred to them as disposable while you told Tae he was special.  That made things easier in his mind -- although there were moments when he wondered if you were toying with him.  

“Last Friday, the party I went to?  It was actually a private sex club that one of my previous dates told me about and he got me an invitation.  It was a full blown orgy.  One big room full of naked people getting busy with each other.  That couple that I mentioned, the one in the open relationship?  That’s where I had sex with the husband.”

“Oh?”  Tae tried his best to look unsurprised.  “Did you enjoy yourself?”  He grabbed his beer and started drinking to help conceal his face and keep his expression neutral.  Deep down he wasn’t actually that shocked to hear that was how you spent your time, but he was also sure that you were telling him now just to see how he would react.  

You paused before answering, watching his adam’s apple bob up and down in his throat as he swallowed his drink.  In his effort to look unphased, Tae was now guzzling back the beer, drinking much too fast for a man who was trying to look calm and collected.  Your smirk returned.  “I did enjoy myself.  I enjoyed myself very much indeed.”

“That’s… um… that’s nice.  So… uh… this guy who got you the invitation… was this like a thing where the two of you went together and then… um… like… you went and did things… stuff… like sex with other people or were you… like… together the whole time?”  Tae couldn’t even look at you, knowing what an idiot he sounded like right now, but he also couldn’t stop himself from asking the question.  The idea that this might be the person who you also referred to as your “friend” would nag at him.

You laughed aloud.  So much for trying to look cool, he thought.

“Tae, I went there alone.  I don’t even think that guy was there the night I went.  He was just kind enough to be an intermediary to get me an invitation, and I’m grateful for that.  But I don’t think I’ll ever have sex with him again.  He was a little too selfish and arrogant for my preference.”

Exhaling, Tae let his shoulders relax.  “Ah.  I see.  So were people there, uh, friendly.”

“Friendly?  I guess.  The mood there was more about total debauchery and sex with strangers than actually getting to know each other.  But it was my first time.  I’m sure I’ll get to know people better over time.”

“So you plan to go back?”

“They gave me an application for regular membership and I’m considering it.  They act a little snooty and talk a lot about being very selective of their members, which was a touch off-putting.  But I have to admit, they had a very attractive group there.  Plus, the whole thing about having everyone in one room together really appeals to my exhibitionist side.  I do really enjoy being watched.  Do you think you could ever do that, Tae?”

“Do what?  Let other people watch me have sex?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of whether you would want to watch me have sex with other people.” 

Tae stared at you for a moment, once again unsure of how to answer.  “Is that what you want from me?” He could feel his chest tighten a little at the idea of it.  It was one thing to know you had sex with other people, but to sit idly by and watch while some other man get to have his way with you seemed to be too much.  “I don’t know.  I mean… is that really what you want?”

“It’s okay.  I was just thinking if you had any interest, I could show you one of the pornos I did a few years back…”

“What?  You did porn?!”  Tae interrupted you with his astonished outburst.  “You mean there are movies out there of you having sex with people?!  Why didn’t you mention this before?”

“Are you really that surprised, Tae?  I only did a few films - like maybe five or six total.  I went out to Los Angeles with a stripper friend during the summer break after my second year at university.  She wanted to try out the porn scene and convinced me that it would be a great way to make money while having fun.  I was just kind of clueless about what I wanted from my life at that point, so I followed her.  In the end, I decided it just wasn’t for me so I bailed.”

“You didn’t like it?”

“Eh, it was a combination of things.  Sex on camera is still a job and it’s more work than it looks like.  And frankly, I prefer to have more control over my sex partners and the sex acts I choose to do, but a fresh piece of meat, like I was, doesn’t get to make those kinds of decisions.  But the biggest reason I quit was because I started thinking about how someone who knows my family could end up seeing one of these movies and tell them about it and it freaked me out.  So I stopped.”

“So did you ever get caught?”

“Not yet.  At least, not as far as I know.  It still makes me nervous, but I’ve already been caught doing worse, so maybe it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.”  

“Worse?” Tae asked.  “Being caught stripping doesn’t seem like it would be worse than being caught doing porn.”

You ignored Tae’s musings.  “Do you want to see one of them or not?”

“Yes!” Tae responded without thinking.  “Wait.  Are we watching it together?”

“Of course.  I already told you I’m an exhibitionist.  Why would I want to miss out on all the fun of watching you watch me?”  You got up from your seat and walked across the room to pick up Tae’s laptop from the coffee table where it rested.  “What’s your password?”

Grabbing the laptop from your hands, Tae quickly typed in the password and handed the machine back to you.  He took his place next to you on the sofa and waited with anticipation.  “So you would have been how old?  20?”

“Correct.”  Your attention was focused on bringing up a foreign website while Tae looked over your shoulder, straining to read the English words written on the page.  “Although on the website it says I was 18 since the pervy bastards love the idea of defiling a teenager.  

Are you sure you are ready for this?” you asked, turning to face Tae.  “You are about to watch me getting absolutely drilled by another guy, with closeups of all the action.  Are you okay with this?”

“Of course,” he answered, unthinkingly.  The mixture of curiosity and lust drowned out any reservations he might have about watching you have sex with someone else.

“Before we get started, we should discuss the rules,” you advised him.

Tae audibly groaned.  “Aren’t we just watching a movie?  Why do we need rules for everything?”

“Agreeing to the rules ahead of time is how we make sure we both enjoy ourselves without there being any hurt feelings or misunderstood expectations.  Besides, I have some special requests.”

“Like what?”

You pointed to Tae’s crotch.  “First rule I’m recommending is that your cock be exposed and visible to me at all times during the viewing of this film. You can tuck yourself back in when it’s over.”

Your requests that he expose himself to you had happened so many times now that it didn’t even phase Tae anymore.  He quickly agreed to the first rule.

“The second rule is that you are not permitted to cum before sunrise tomorrow.”

It wasn’t uncommon for you to disallow Tae from touching himself when you were together at your house, but it seemed like you were starting to want to control when he touched himself even when the two of you were apart.  “So you want to get me all worked up watching you and then not allow me to get any relief, is that what this is?”

“Look, you and I both know that I won’t have any idea what you do once I go home.  But I’d like you to make the effort.  Think of it as prolonging the time you are aroused rather than denying yourself gratification.”

Tae nodded his head.  He knew that if he agreed to your rules he wouldn’t dare violate them out of fear that you would somehow figure out that he had been dishonest and end up disappointed in him.  Disappointing you was the last thing he wanted.

“And rule number 3… if you decide that this is too much or you don’t want to watch anymore, you can just say stop or close the laptop. Got it?”

Tae nodded in agreement.

You scrolled through the website until you found what you were looking for, tapped the play button and the opening credits started to roll until you suddenly paused the movie and pointed at Tae’s crotch.  “What was rule number one?”

Wordlessly, Tae undid his pants and pulled his penis out where you could see it.  He was still flaccid but knew that wouldn’t last for too long.  Just knowing that you wanted to see him exposed was starting to have an effect on him.

Restarting the movie, you settled next to Tae on the sofa, your shoulder brushing against his as you adjusted yourself on the seat. Although you had been sitting next to Tae all through dinner, he suddenly became hyper-aware of how close you were and he could feel his hands start to ache from the desire to touch you.  Instead, he just crossed his arms and tried to act as normal as one could when sitting on a sofa, genitals exposed, about to watch to watch a porno starring the object of his desire while she sat next to him.  Tae caught himself smiling at the absurdity of it all.

You appeared on screen, lounging by a swimming pool, wearing the tiniest red bikini he had ever seen, your face obscured by giant sunglasses.  The camera panned up your body in close up, your legs, your hips, your belly, your breasts with nipples barely contained by the tiny strips of red fabric and finally your face.  You took off your glasses and smiled.  Your makeup was unusually heavy in that American porn star fashion, but Tae almost gasped aloud to see your face.  This was only 4 years after he first met you and the younger version of you on the screen reminded him of what you looked like at 16 when he was still a horny teen obsessed by your every move.  Tae mused that his feelings had not changed much since then.

A man appeared from the pool, his arms and legs were muscular and tanned, but he was clearly much older than you as proven by his receding hairline and slight paunch.  Tae felt some slight relief that your costar was not the image of youthful sexuality but instead was a guy that Tae could easily compete with in the attractiveness department.  Not that this was a competition, he reminded himself, but still, it was comforting.

English words poured from the man and your mouths.  Tae strained to understand, but you spoke too quickly, and he could only understand the odd word here and there.  You must have asked him to put suntan lotion on you because now you were lying on your stomach while the man rubbed lotion across your back and then your legs and finally his hands slipped under your bikini, letting the fabric ride up and exposing your buttocks while the man kneaded them under the guise of applying lotion.  The camera zoomed in tightly, showing the expanse of skin on your backside, the man’s hands squeezing your ass and the crotch of your bikini bottoms starting to slip to the side, just barely exposing a sliver of skin and hinting at more to come.

This isn’t so bad.  I can handle watching this, Tae thought.

Then you, on the screen, turned over and sat up, pulling the man close to you and kissing him passionately.  Your faces filled the screen while your tongues tangled.  The sloppy wet kissing noises filled Tae’s ears and he could feel his brow furrow and his lips turn downward in disgust.  Never in his life had he been bothered by watching two people kiss before, but this bothered him.  Tae wanted nothing worse than to kiss you at will, but to see this ugly, paunchy, cheap porn guy sucking your face like it was no big deal was a bit much.

“He was a chain smoker.  His mouth tasted like an ashtray.”  

Tae turned to look at you and noticed you were fully facing him.  Had you just been watching him watching you on the screen this whole time?  You must have noticed the change in Tae’s expression during the kissing scene.  “He doesn’t look too appetizing,” was Tae’s reply.

The man on the computer was now undoing your bikini top, mauling your breasts with his hands while he kissed you.  Until eventually he let his mouth travel down your neck to your nipples, sucking and biting at them while you threw back your head and sighed.  The camera pulled in so closely that all that was left on the screen was a mouth - lips and tongue - sucking and licking the protruding bud.  

Tae had to admit, he kinda liked this better, seeing disembodied body parts on the screen - he could imagine it was him doing this to you and not this other guy.  

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see you looking at him and then glancing down to his exposed manhood.

“Would you mind if I touch you from time to time while you watch?” you asked.

Tae gulped.  He wasn’t expecting that question.  “Of course not.  I never mind when you want to touch me.”

You trailed a finger along the length of his penis, just one single stroke and immediately waking his dormant flesh - causing it to twitch ever so slightly.  It was only one stroke, but it lit a fire in Tae’s groin and he could feel the ache between his legs growing steadily.

Real-life-you turned back to watch the movie.  You on the screen were now laying on the ground, legs spread wide, while the man pulled your bikini bottoms to the side, exposing your bare pussy to the camera.  Tae bit his bottom lip and inhaled deeply while the man pulled your pussy lips apart and lowered his mouth to taste the wetness between your legs.  

Tae had been in that position before, and the taste and smell of you flooded his memory while he watched some total stranger now licking your slit and poking his fingers into you.  This was feeling more real now.  The camera panned up to your face, your eyes half closed, lids fluttering, while your moaned aloud.  You seemed to like what he was doing to you.

“Did you like being with him?” Tae inquired.

“Just watch the movie.  We can talk after if you want,” you replied.  Your hand reached out to grasp Tae’s rapidly growing bulge.  You held it in your hand as if checking him for girth and weight and then let him go.

It took all of Tae’s strength to not groan in frustration.  Was this how it was going to be?  You just checking to make sure he’s hard and then going on about your business?  Why would he have expected any different?  Of course this is what was happening.

The man on the screen stood up and undressed, pulling his swim trunks down to the ground and stepping out of them.  Tae’s eyes went wide with surprise.  Any questions he might have had regarding why this particular guy was chosen to do a porn shoot were answered the minute Tae saw the man’s dick standing proudly erect.  He was enormous.  The size of his member made Tae a little anxious.  Were you going to be able to fit all of that inside you?  Is that what you were used to?  How could a woman like you, who had so much experience with other men ever be satisfied by someone completely average.  Someone, Tae thought, like himself.

Tae started to wonder if maybe watching this wasn’t the best idea.  He could already feel pangs of jealousy starting, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the computer when you reached over and grabbed the man by his dick and brought swollen tip to your mouth and took him inside.  You were right there, on the screen, sucking off some random guy.  Some random guy with a monster sized cock -- you must have unhinged your jaw to fit him in.  

It was a sloppy, slobbering, messy blowjob.  Is this how you normally did it?  Is this how you liked it, he wondered.  Is this what it was like when you made him listen on the phone that time you had sex with the man from the restaurant?  Is this what it was like that one time you were with Jimin?  The only time Tae had been inside your mouth like that, he had cum immediately - so you couldn’t call it a blow job at all.  He wondered if you were disappointed that he didn’t last longer.  

Even though he couldn’t really understand what was being said, Tae could see the man was bossy and demanding.  The man picked you up and repositioned you so your head was hanging off the lounge chair and he straddled your face, thrusting his cock into your open mouth and down your throat until you gagged.  From there he continued to face fuck you slowly as your eyes watered and your lipstick smeared.  

No, Tae thought, this can’t be you.  He couldn’t imagine you allowing anyone to take control of you this way.

As if you read his mind, you leaned over and whispered in Tae’s ear, “For some reason, these porn directors love to hear a girl gagging on someone’s cock.  But I’ve gotten much better at my deep throat skills over the years and that would never happen these days.  I could be a sword swallower if I wanted.”

You dragged your fingernails against the expanse of skin just above his penis.  Tae had shaved himself clean of any pubic hair this morning, remembering the last time the two of you were together and the request you made that he be hair free.  Not that he was exactly expecting anything to happen, but he wanted to make sure you weren’t disappointed in his appearance just in case.

The scratching of your nails was replaced by the gentle glide of your fingertips against his skin and sliding downward to his now mostly erect cock.  Your touch was soft and Tae looked down to make sure that it was really you touching him and not some figment of his imagination.

“Eyes on the screen, Tae.  I don’t want you to miss any of the good stuff.”

He snapped his head back up and fixed his eyes back to where your lips were swallowing the man’s monster sized dick just as the man started to pull out of you.  He grabbed you again and threw you back onto the lounger, grabbed onto your red bikini bottoms and pulled them off in one smooth motion.  Oh god, Tae thought to himself, this is it, isn’t it?

In real life, you now had your hand wrapped firmly around Tae’s member.  You stroked him; one...two...three...four...five… Five strokes with your hand and then stopped.  Tae couldn’t hold back and groaned out loud.  He was getting so hard now it was difficult to focus.

On the screen the man had pushed your knees up so high that they were nearly to your ears.  This had the effect of raising your hips and spreading your pussy open for the camera.  You went the extra step of pulling your pussy lips further apart and rolling your finger over your clit.  The camera zoomed in so closely that it was nothing but wet, slick folds of pussy flesh enveloping the entire screen.  You clit poked out from its hood.  Your vagina looked tight and small, like it would never accommodate the man’s enormous cock.  But he would see for sure in a moment.

The man on the screen held his dick in his hand, stroking himself a couple times and spitting on spread pussy to help lubricate it.  He took the head of his cock and slapped it against your clit several times and then lined himself up against your hole, flashed you a sinister smile and then… nothing.  The screen froze with the image of his dick just at the opening of your vagina.  “Fuck!”  Tae exclaimed in frustration.

It took Tae a moment to realize that it was you how had paused the movie at this exact moment.  Why would you do such a thing?  Wasn’t it your idea to have him watch you?  Isn’t that what you wanted?  Tae had been slightly skeptical of this whole thing, but now he had to admit, he was eager to see what happened next.  It made his brain hurt to think that he was about to watch you with your pussy stuffed full of another man’s cock -- but right now, in this moment, there was nothing more that he wanted to see.

“Why did you stop the movie?” he asked you.

“Are you still okay with our agreement?”

“Huh?  Yeah, of course.  Why would you think I wouldn’t be.”

“Tell me what we agreed to tonight,” you demanded.

“Uh… that I’m exposed to you.  And I don’t touch myself.”

“No.  Not that you don’t touch yourself, we agreed that you don’t get to cum until tomorrow sunrise.  The agreement is that you are exposed to me while the movie plays, that you don’t cum until sunrise tomorrow and we added another one that you are allowing me to touch you.  Also, that you have the right to say stop anytime you need to stop. Are you still okay with this agreement?”

“Yeah.  Of course.”  He was confused why you were bringing this up again.

“Is there any way you do not want me to touch you?”

What was this, he wondered. “Um, just don’t hurt me.”

“Got it.  So, as long as I don’t hurt you, I can touch you using any means I want and you agree not to cum.  Is that right?”

He was starting to get a little anxious.  You had something planned and he couldn’t quite fathom what it was, but history had taught him it was best just to agree and see where things lead.  “Yeah, that’s right.”

“One last rule,” you interjected, “eyes on the screen.”

You hit the space bar and immediately the movie started playing.  The man was very slowly entering you, pushing his gargantuan sex into yours and then pulling it back out again.  For a brief second, your hole gaped open and then quickly closed back up.  

Tae’s eyes glazed over a bit at the sight.  He shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as he was, but by god he was really enjoying it.  

The man plunged himself back into you, gripping tightly onto your thighs, pounding against you and causing your whole body to shake with each thrust.  You were moaning loudly -- Tae was certain this was just acting.  You weren’t a moaner.  At least he didn’t think you were.  But it didn’t matter, because the sound of your voice reached some primal place deep inside him.  There was you, fucking some guy on this computer screen, and it felt like every cell in his body was on fire with lust.

Grabbing you by the waist, the man lifted you up and flipped you over on top of him.  He was the one laying down on the lounger now and you straddled him facing out towards the camera.  Your hand looked tiny wrapped around the man’s giant dick as you held him in place and slowly lowered yourself onto him. 

Tae watched you ride the man reverse cowgirl and could feel his heart beating out of his chest with excitement.  This was the perfect angle, Tae thought.  The man was mostly obscured, his face nearly invisible to the camera.  Instead, you were the one front and center; your chest jutting outward as you leaned back and tried to balance yourself, your tits bouncing as you raised and lowered yourself on this stranger’s cock, your legs spread wide, exposing your sex entirely and making you look incredibly available.  The best part was that you were looking directly into the camera as if inviting the viewer, inviting Tae, to participate in this wanton act of depravity.  God he wished that he was the one there with you.

Tae was so affixed to watching you on the screen, that he almost didn’t notice that you had switched positions on the sofa.  You were lying flat on your stomach, inching your head towards his lap.

He felt your hair first as it tickled a bit when it brushed against his exposed sex.  Instinctively he looked down, but you had carefully positioned yourself with your head blocking his view from seeing exactly what you were doing.  Your hair was spread out like a curtain to prevent any peeking.  But he could feel it clearly when your tongue, wet and warm, licked up and down the sides.  Was this what you meant when you said you could touch him using any means you wanted?

He watched your head shift slightly under than mess of hair splayed across his lap.  Your lips were at the tip of his cock, lightly sucking at the head, your tongue gently swirling around and around.  “Ffffffuuuuuck!” was all Tae could say.

He threw his head back and closed his eyes, desperately trying to concentrate on the feeling of our mouth against his manhood.  But then he recalled your command that he “keep his eyes on the screen.”  You wouldn’t know, he thought.  You were face down between his legs and couldn’t possibly see whether or not he was watching the screen.  But Tae’s desire to not disappoint you overtook his desire to just enjoy the unexpected feeling of you suckling his cock.    He returned to watching the computer, his brain now clearly divided between the two activities.

The man on the screen had changed positions and he was fucking you doggie style now.  Your tits hung freely, nipples distended, as they swung to and fro from the motion of the man crashing his body into yours.  The camera zoomed in again on the place where your sexes joined.  Every time the man pulled out a bit, Tae couldn’t help but notice how slick and shiny the man’s cock was with your pussy juices and he compared it to how his own cock was now slick with your saliva.

In real life, you switched from suckling at the tip of Tae’s cock to sucking him entirely down your throat.  Tae inhaled sharply at the new sensation and his eyes rolled back in his head while he gripped the sofa cushion tightly.  He swore he could feel you swallowing him while your lips closed tightly and your tongue snaked down nearly to his balls.  He wanted so badly to brush your hair aside so he could see you sucking his dick for himself.  You hadn’t specifically told him that he couldn’t do that… but then again, he was reminded, “eyes on the screen.”

He looked back up at the screen just in time to see the man flip you over again.  One of your legs was thrown over his shoulder, the other he pushed up with his hand.  The man was on top of you, fucking you in a variation of missionary style.  It was more difficult to see the more lurid details of your sexual encounter from this angle, although the camera made its best efforts to show as much of the fleshy mound between your legs as it could capture.  

At this point the man in the movie was clearly too far gone to pay attention to camera angles and good cinematography.  He was grunting and sweating, and then the man leaned over you, nipped at your breast before leaning even further in to kiss you on the mouth while pumping his cock into you as fast as humanly possible.

This image did something to Tae -- he was immediately transported back to his teenage bedroom, watching you through his window while the bar owner’s son laid on top of your naked body, writhing around in the dim light of your bedside lamp.  When Tae was younger, he was desperate to see more of you and your sexual encounters with the college boys you seduced.  But he was always too far away, the image too faint to see what he wanted.  Although that never stopped him from replaying what he had seen as a masturbatory fantasy for years following.

But here, now, on his computer screen was the high def version of those activities.  Every drop of sweat visible, ever slap of skin on skin audible… he could practically feel it himself.  Of course what he was actually feeling was your tongue, your mouth, your lips, and your throat standing in for your pussy.  

His brain couldn’t distinguish the difference between what he was seeing and what he was feeling anymore.  He could feel the heat inside his body growing, like an animal inside him was clawing away at his belly trying to escape.  This was the kind of lustful fervor he found himself in constantly as a teenage boy -- so aroused that he felt like he might just split in two at any moment.  He had long outgrown that state of uncontrolled teenage lust into a more sensible and mature enjoyment of erotic activities… except where you were concerned.  With you, Tae was always at the mercy of his hormones.

The man on the computer started to grunt more loudly as he approached his orgasm.  Tae could sympathize, he was getting dangerously close to cumming also.  

Tae clenched his buttocks and tightened his abdomen in an effort to hold back the desire to cum.  He wanted the feeling of your mouth sucking him, toying with him, to last a while longer.  He would have given anything to be allowed to just let go and enjoy this moment to the end, but he had made an agreement and, as always, he did not want to disappoint.

“I’m going to cum.  Ahhhhhh!  I’m going to cum if you keep doing that!”  Tae let out a long low moan; he was so close now but you would not let up.  If he let you keep going for even a few seconds longer, he knew he would explode.  “Stop. Stop!”

With Tae’s cries to stop, you immediately raised your head and leaned away from him, smoothing your hair back into place.  His cock was hard as steel, standing straight up from his body, swollen, red, and leaking profuse amounts of precum.  His whole body was vibrating.  If you so much as breathed on his cock right now, he was sure that he would erupt into an orgasm so intense it would blast through the ceiling.  

On the computer, the man had finally had as much as he could take and pulled out of you, demanding that you kneel before him with you mouth open while he palmed his bursting cock and directed his cum onto your waiting tongue.  Tae turned his head away from the computer; watching another man reach an orgasm right now was a bit more than he could take.

“You know, you taste much better than he did,” you advised Tae.

Tae closed his eyes and whimpered.  He could feel his dick jerk uncontrollably at the unexpected compliment.  Tomorrow he would smile at the memory of being compared favorably to a porn star, but right now, it was taking all of Tae’s strength to not just spontaneously combust, so he just sat in silence.

After a few moments, Tae could hear you rustling around in the kitchen.  He looked over his shoulder to see you gathering up the remnants of your junk food dinner and cleaning up the kitchen.  “You don’t have to do that.  I can clean-up in a little bit.  I just need a few minutes to, um, take care of my situation here.”

You laughed aloud at Tae’s politeness.  “Would you like me to make you an ice pack to help with your ‘situation’”, you replied.

“No, I’ll be okay in a few.”  Tae concentrated on his breathing.  This wasn’t the first case of blue balls he’d had in his life, but normally he had the option to run off to a private space and jerk off for relief.  

“Well, cleaning up is the least I can do before I go.”

“Are you really going?  Can’t you stay a little while longer?”  Tae sat up and tried to tuck his still uncomfortably erect penis into his pants.

“And what would we do if I stayed longer, Tae?” You walked over to the sofa and stood leaned over him.  

“I don’t know, we could just talk.”

Smiling, you shook your head.  “You still have your ‘situation’ to attend to.”  You wagged a finger in the general direction of Tae’s bulge.  “I don’t think keeping me around talking tonight is likely to help with that.  And to be honest, I’ve got to get up at the crack of dawn to go to my fitness boot camp thing.  I hate going, but it’s already doing wonders for my ass.”  You turned around and waggled your butt at Tae to emphasize your point - although he didn’t need any convincing that your ass was already excellent.

Tae couldn’t help but frown with disappointment.  “I understand.”  He fussed with his shirt buttons to avoid looking at you directly.  “It’s just that I don’t know when I’ll see you again.  So… when will I see you again?”

“Listen, Tae, I’ve told you that I’m not good with…”

Holding up one hand to silence you, Tae continued.  “I don’t want to hear anything about not being good with relationships.  You’ve said that you are good at being a friend, right?  And you’ve said that I’m your friend, right?  Or did you not mean any of that?”

You looked a little concerned and answered hesitatingly.  “Of course, I meant it.  We are friends.”

“Well, friends should be able to make plans and talk to each other more than once every couple of weeks.  I’m not asking for anything crazy here.”  He paused deliberately before repeating himself, “So when will I see you again?”  Tae was starting to feel more assured as he spoke, hopeful that would would agree with his logic.

You narrowed your eyes as if scrutinizing this new version of Tae who had enough courage to insist that you not leave before making future plans.  “I’m working the late shift at the store tomorrow.  I usually go out to eat at a restaurant near the mall around noon before my shift starts at 1:30.  If you are interested, you could join me.”

Tae tried to not look overly excited but couldn’t help but smile at the fact that you were agreeing to see him two days in a row.  “I would love to join you for lunch tomorrow.  Text me the name of the restaurant and I’ll meet you there.”

#BTS smut #Taehyung smut #BTS fanfic #Taehyung fanfic #V fanfic #V smut #Sorry this took so long guys!

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

Suppose John has a heart condition, he's had it since birth and generally he's been able to cope and live a normal(ish) life, but then one night during a mid 80's concert he suddenly collapses backstage with a suspected heart attack?

I couldn’t find anything saying specific heart conditions caused heart attacks. Of the risk factors I saw, the two that ring out to me are stress and substance abuse. I hope that’s okay with you.

♚

John felt fine.

Well, he did when he first got on stage.

Maybe he was a little more tired than usual, but he was acting like himself, prancing around the stage in his tiny shorts, laughing and dancing. It was when they reached the halfway mark of the show did he start to feel...off.

He couldn’t find the exact words for it. Perhaps a little dizzy. Light headed. Woozy. It was subtle, so he kept playing, trading in his mini bar drinks for actual water. He didn’t feel drunk, but some proper hydration couldn’t hurt. A few martini’s could really sneak up on you if you didn’t pay attention.

It certainly didn’t help though. That weird feeling continued to rise, in his chest or stomach. He wasn’t sure. His torso felt strained. John slowed down on his dancing a bit, hoping it was over exertion. God, he could really go for a cigarette right about now.

His fingers flew up and down the neck board, looking up to smile at Freddie every so often. Nobody around him knew. Of if they knew, what they knew was that he was high, which wasn’t true. Not at the moment, at least. He looked fine otherwise. Subdued by his usual standard, but nothing drastic. He noticed the change though and it made him nervous. He always worried, though. That was his thing. Worrying until he his nose was buried in some white stuff that made it all go away. 

The worst case scenario was that he was coming down with a flu. Best case scenario was that he was drunk. Middle case scenario was that he was withdrawing. He could handle any of them.

John looked down at his bass, his vision blurring slightly. That’s fine. You just had too much to drink. Keep drinking water and you’ll be okay. He kept saying this to himself, even when he broke out into a cold sweat. It was like his blood turned to ice, coursing painfully south, away from his brain and into his feet. He shivered, wiping away at the sweat on his forehead that felt glacial. Oh, he definitely had the flu. His drunken escapades and lowest highs never felt remotely like this. He prayed he could make it another 30 minutes before the sneezing and runny nose started.

John was steadfast in his belief that he was coming down with something, even after the first pang of nausea hit him. John was a smart man but when things got too serious, he preferred to ignore them. Which he was doing an excellent job of at the moment. He was really good at ignoring reality altogether. He swayed instead of danced, his fingers beginning to shake, missing a few notes here and there. His chest began to grow tight, a terrifying sensation. He’d never had the flu like this before. But it was the flu. It had to be. It couldn’t be anything else. Just a horrible, horrible flu. 

“John,” Brian hissed as he walked over to the bassist, still playing, pretending they were going to jam out together. The music sounded drowned out to John.

“You look pale as a ghost. Are you okay?” Brian said loud enough for John to hear. Brian feared John was preforming while under the influence. Not that it wasn’t a regular thing anymore. John nodded but he didn’t feel okay. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, a tingling in the back of his neck. He’d never fainted before, but he had a feeling this is what it felt like before you dropped.

“I’m fine. Think I’ve got the flu,” he said, his whole body trembling. And then Brian and John didn’t say anything else because everything went black. 

John was lucky he wasn’t conscious for all the gasps in the venue when he landed face first on the floor. Or for when Freddie dropped his mic and ran over to him, Brian kneeling down, yelling amidst the chaos, Roger running backstage for a phone. 

He was really lucky he wasn’t awake when the paramedics got there and started CPR, his ribs breaking in the process. Or when they had to intubate him and ship him off to surgery. 

Most of all, John was lucky that he lived.

When he was wheeled out of the OR, the doctor was shocked he hadn’t had a heart attack weeks ago. Surprised he could even stand for as long as he did. He survived though. He’d recover and there’d be little damage to his heart. John was okay. 

John didn’t feel okay when he woke up. He was confused, his chest sore and his body aching. He tried to get up but somebody pushed him back down.

“Hey there, trooper. Relax. You’re at hospital. Everything’s okay,” a voice said, which he recognized as Roger’s.

John looked around, the room beginning to make sense. All the white and the soft beeping, the IV in his wrist. 

“W-What happened?” he croaked, throat still raw from the intubation. He could see Roger standing besides him, Brian in the far off corner and Freddie sitting down on a chair, eye’s red and glassy.

“You had a heart attack, mate. Right in the middle of Save Me. Scared us pissless,” he replied, a hand going delicately onto John’s shoulder.

John’s eyebrows shot up, his mouth going agape. Heart attack? He’s only in his 30′s! Heart attacks are an old man thing! How the hell did he give himself one?

The confusion in his face was evident, Roger trying to fill in the gaps the best he could. “Uh, well, the doctor will be in soon, I suppose. But he told us a few things could cause heart attacks in youngin’s like you. Stress, tobacco, alcohol and, um...” Roger closed one nostril with his finger, inhaling deeply, the international sign for coke. 

John would blush if he wasn’t so pale. 

All of those..problems he was having would be something for him and the doctor to discuss. He loved his band but he loathed making himself vulnerable in front of them. He wasn’t one to even acknowledge his issues in the first place. He sure as hell wasn’t gonna use them as sit down therapists.

He had other pressing matters to get to either way. A hand flew to his chest, anticipating the sensation of bandages and stitches. “Did they...?” Cut me open, he wanted to say.

Freddie chimed in. “No. They put a tubey thingy in your thigh, all the way up to your heart and fixed..the thing,” Freddie should have let Roger continue answering the questions. He was still too frazzled after all of this. And Brian was brain dead, apparently. 

“Yeah..what he said,” Roger echoed, not knowing how to explain it any better than that. 

“Look, things are gonna be messy for a while. Just remember we’re here for you, Deacy. You’re not going through this alone,” Roger said with a smile. It was hard seeing their youngest like this. And to be truthful, they all felt guilty for not intervening sooner. But this is where they were now and all they wanted was for John to get better. Physically and mentally.

John nodded, shame welling up in him. His heart monitor jumped in speed, making everyone in the room shiver. “Sorry,” he said in a crackled voice, a familiar darkness settling into his stomach.

“Aw, John. C’mon. You two come here, this boy needs a hug,” Roger said, waving Freddie and Brian over to the bed. They surrounded the bed, all eyes on John, a mixture of emotions on all their faces. 

They all took turns, giving him a hug, mussing up his hair, whispering encouraging words to him. It felt nice but John still felt responsible for this mess. That was until it was Freddie’s turn.

He pulled John into a tight embrace, holding him there for a moment. He pulled away, hands still gripping onto him. His eyes expressed so much. They were so tender and warm as he spoke. “I love you, John. We love you,” he said, in a way that made John feel 19 again. 19, young, innocent, untouched and safe. 

John couldn’t stop his eyes from watering or stop himself from burying his face into Freddie’s chest, letting out small broken sobs. They all began to rub his back, cooing at him. Reminding him that they were there for him. That things were going to get better. He’d get better. Things were going to go back to normal.

“I’m scared,” John stuttered in between the tears. Three pairs of arms held onto him tighter.

“We’ve got you, Deacy. We’re not gonna let go. Never.”

Save me, save me, save me,

I can’t face this alone.

Save me, save me, save me,

I’m naked and I’m far from home.

#john #heart attack!john #tw alcohol abuse #tw drug abuse #alcohol mention #drug mention #Anonymous

[anamuseinglife]

Iditapod: Making It To the Yukon River

 Aliy Zirkle: Basically everyone said, "Don't go." And I was like, Ehhh... I gotta go. I've gotta go see what... there is supposedly a trail, then I've gotta go see if I can do it. And see if I can make a move. No one else wanted to try that.

 [theme music plays] 

 Casey Grove: Welcome to the Iditapod: A podcast about the Iditarod, because nobody else decided to try that, and where we ask ourselves, "What would Aliy Zirkle do?" This is a production of Alaska Public Radio and KNOM Radio in Nome. I am your host Casey Grove. Before we go see if we can do it, here's a word from our sponsor. 

 [ad plays] 

 CG: Hey Gang! Happy Friday and welcome to the Yukon River. That's where the front of the pack Iditarod mushers are arriving on Friday. That'll include Aliy Zirkle. Just heard from her. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, she will also be making it to the Yukon today, but it's Girdwood musher and last year's Iditarod runner-up, Nicolas Petit who, again, leads the 2019 Iditarod. Petit's team all, all 14 dogs, was the first to make it to the Yukon River, pulling into Anvik at 4:23 AM, Friday. A quick note on the weather from our trail reporter, Ben Matheson from KMON.

As the race enters its 5th day here, a warm winter storm's expected to drop a few inches of snow and we might see temperatures climb into the mid-30s. That, as we know, can be a little warm for dogs running out there. They tend to slow down when they're warm. And the trail itself, if it gets a bunch of snow on it, will also slow those teams down. The teams approaching the Yukon River include defending champ, Joar Leifseth Ulsem. There has really been a cat-and-mouse game developing between him and Nic Petit, who of course were very close last year. And they've been taking turns in the lead. Ulsom's team had lead through the night going into Friday after passing Petit's between the checkpoints of Iditarod and Shageluk. Petit and Ulsom have been racing near each other ever since hte checkpoint of Ophir, and they've swapped the lead position a few times on Thursday as their rest and run schedules intersected. There will be more shuffling of the leaderboard this weekend. Mushers must take an 8 hour rest at a checkpoint of their choice on the Yukon or in Shageluk, which is pretty close to the Yukon. So Ulsom was first into Shageluk very, very early on Friday morning with 11 dogs. He did stay for that 8 hours, so he has checked that off. As Ben reports, wet snow was falling. Ben talked to Ulsom after he pulled his team over for a nap and a nice big meal. There could have been a gourmet dinner for Ulsom and prize money 25 miles down the trail in Anvik. It looks like Petit has claimed that, but after a hard run through the hilly terrain, Ulsom decided not to pursue that prize. 

Joar Leifseth Ulsom: If I were to do it, it'd only be to get the money. It wouldn't be the best thing to do for the dogs. 

 CG: Petit arrived in Shageluk 36 minutes behind Ulsom, wearing a raincoat, and he was out again within 3 minutes, headed to Anvik. 

Nicolas Petit: [Muffled question about the time with dogs barking in the background] 

CG: That was Petit urging his dogs on and, for being the first to arrive in Anvik, he wins the First to the Yukon Award, which comes with a 5 course meal prepared by Anchorage's Lakefront Lodge and very experienced chef who is cooking much better food than what these guys have been eating, likely some freeze-dried meals and whatever is being served in checkpoints. This year, the meal that Nic has won includes bison chili, seared scallops, and a pan-fried cinnamon banana, served with vanilla ice cream and warm brandy sauce. Wow. There's also $3,500 in $1 bills and a bottle of champagne. A little dom perignon, I'm told. Obviously, there's a lot of strategizing going on in this race and it's not all about the food. You heard Aliy talking about her drive to push from Ophir to Iditarod. That's where she took her 24. KNOM's Ben Mathison has more from Aliy and more on the strategy as race leaders continue to leap frog each other preparing to make their next move. 

 BM: After a marathon day on the trail, Aliy Zirkle's team pulled into the ghost town checkpoint of Iditarod, just before 2 AM Thursday. For being the first into Iditarod, Zirkle wins the Dorothy Page Halfway Award and the prize of $3,000 in gold nuggets. But she had to be the first to survive a trail that transitioned from soft snow to bumpy, frozen ground. 

 Aliy Zirkle: Yeah, those tussocks are hardcore. They're... you shouldn't really mush a sled over them. 

 BM: Zirkle's jarring trip was on a day so warm that she fed her dogs water from snow that melted from the rooftop of a shelter cabin. She explained her decision to be the first musher who traveled so far before her break. 

 AZ: I gotta go. I've gotta go see what... there is supposedly a trail from Ophir to Iditarod, so if there's supposedly a trail, then I've gotta go see if I can do it. And see if I can make a move. Um, seemed like no one else wanted to try that. 

 BM: The race picture is beginning to come into view, as teams surge out of their 24 hour breaks in Takotna and Ophir. Zirkle is racing at the front, but her competition began to pass her Thursday afternoon while she finished her mandatory race. Just after noon, Nic Petit's team flew into the checkpoint with dogs that wanted to run more. He told spectators his reason for heading further up the trail... 

 Nic Petit: Because it looked like [unintelligible] 

 BM: With a fresh bale of straw, he drove his well-rested team a few miles further. Good rest is the priority for teams looking to maintain speed through the mid section of the race. On Wednesday afternoon, at the Ophir checkpoint, a few hours into his 24 hour break, veteran Aaron Burmeister woke from a nap and cooked a meal. The soft trails and warm temperatures have required a big effort from his whole team. 

 AB: There's been a lot of work. I mean, we've all been working together; working together with the dogs, my legs are sore, my body is sore, I don't do much ski poling, but I've been pushing and pumping and running quite a bit. 

BM: As mushers head out of checkpoints with freshly rested teams, the race is now on to reach the flat highway of the Yukon River. For KNOM, I'm Ben Matheson in Iditarod. 

 CG: Mr. Ben Matheson and our other trail reporter, Alaska Public Media's Zachariah Hughes, are turning in great interviews from the trail. We're posting a bunch of those as extended cuts on the podcast bonus editions. Today I'm working on posting an extended version of the interview that you heard parts of today with Aliy, and there's one up right now with Nic Petit in Ophir from Wednesday. Nic was sounding real relaxed there while taking his 24 in Ophir. Talked about his dogs, their breeding line.. and the interview includes a little bit about the two dogs he's running in the lead, at least up to Ophir it was Shoobie and Geoffrey. Couple of half-brothers, he says. And that's a good lead-in to today's listener question. 

 Megan: Hey guys, it's Megan calling from Ohio. I've really been enjoying the daily podcasts and bonus tracks. Thanks for keeping us connected to this exciting event. My questions are around the order of the dogs within the team. Is it intentional or strategic which dogs are the lead dogs? What are some of the qualities that the mushers look for in the lead dogs? Do they switch up positions within the team? Stuff like that. Thanks so much.

CG: Thanks for that question, Megan, and thanks especially for the fawning praise. We appreciate that. And thanks for listening as well. The short answer is, yes. A dog's position on the team really does matter, but it's not as hard and fast of a rule that a dog always has to pull in the same position. And mushers will tell you that it's important to have multiple dogs that can lead. If you have enough leaders in your team like that. I have to say when you see these really professional looking Iditarod teams, they look pretty orderly. They make their way down the trail. They pass other teams without too much trouble because they've been trained so well and they're just the best dogs for this. I mean, this is the race for them. IF you go out with amateur mushers, the teams maybe aren't as well-trained and that's just the fact of life. If you have more time to work with the dogs to work with the dogs, they're just going to be better at doing this. And the leaders especially may look back. Dogs may look back. They could get jumbled up. They may not pass other teams as smoothly on the trail. So when you see videos of these Iditarod teams just remember that. There's a lot of work that goes into making things run as smoothly as they do. We're gonna have more on lead dogs in just a second from Iditarod champion Libby Riddles and 16 time finisher, Jim Lanier. They were on Alaska Public Media's live call-in show, Talk of Alaska, recorded a couple of days ago. I was lucky enough to be able to join them. Might post the whole thing to the podcast here, not sure if we have the space for that, but we'll find out. But real quick- let's just start with the positions in a dog team. Starting at the sled. You've got your wheel dogs. Those are gonna be your bigger, sorta stronger, bulkier dogs that really break the weight and get the sled moving right away when you need to move. Then you've got a couple, 2-3 rows of team dogs. And then you've got 2 swing dogs up near the front. They're right behind the leaders and you need to train them to be able to make a big arc when they make turns. You don't want them to just cut off and try to run ahead of the leaders at any point. They really do play an important role because the position right behind the leaders and as those leaders make a turn, you want that nice, clean arc sot hat if you're the musher on the sled, you can just whip around the turn instead of just going straight through. So, as promised, here's more from Libby Riddles and Jim Lanier with Talk of Alaska host, and my boss, Lori Townsend,  starting things off. 

 Lori Townsend: Libby, what goes into selecting the dog that is going to be the leader? How do you make that decision?

Libby Riddles: You don't select. They're born or made, but mostly the very best ones just have it in their blood. I mean they rise to the top, you know? It's just like you're the coach and you have to see each dog. What is their best place? And some dogs are full time leaders that could do every day of the Iditarod, and others like to have a break now and then. You know, every dog has a different capacity and some of us are lucky enough to have these just once-in-a-lifetime super dogs like the one that helped me win the Iditarod. 

 LT: Well, I want to know more about that in a while. We'll talk about that particular race, but Jim, what are your thoughts about that? What are you looking for in a lead dog, and have you had one that really stood out from the others? J

im Lanier: Oh, I've had several. As all of us who've done a lot of mushers, I've done the race a number of times. I guess the one thing you look for is a dog that's aggressive, that wants to lead, that doesn't mind being chased by a big pack of dogs, you know? And one that has assurance that he or she could do it. You don't want them looking back, asking "Hey are we done yet? Can I get a... off..?" you know? 

 LR: [Asking] "Can I get a snack?" J

L: So those are the things you look for. 

 CG: So there you have it, that's how you pick a good lead dog. I want to mention too, there's a really cool award in the Iditarod, if you haven't heard this already. It's called the Golden Harness Award. It's for outstanding lead dogs. The Iditarod has the winning musher pick one of their dogs, sometimes it's two. They take a picture of them with this nice wreath of flowers on the dog. I just want to go back and list some of the past golden harness winners. Back in 2010, you had Maple on Lance Mackey's team. 2011, it was two for Snickers and Velvet on John Baker's team. Then 2012, Guinness on Dallas Seavey's team. Tanner in 2013 on Mitch Seavey's team. Beatle, another Dallas Seavey dog in 2014. And then you've got back to back wins of the golden harness award for Reef on Dallas Seavey's team. Pilot for Mitch Seavey in 2017. I think I saw a report that Pilot is out of this year's race and had to be dropped. And then a dog by the name of Russeren on Joar Liefseth Ulsom's 2018 winning team. I guess that stands for "Russian Express". And we will have to see who wins Golden Harness in 2019 when the teams reach Nome sometime next week. 

Speaking of major accomplishments, I've been avoiding this beacuse I don't want to admit that there's another Iditarod podcast out there that has been actually in the business longer than us... it's called The Ikidapod, and it's put together by a class in Wisconsin. Elementary School students in Mrs. Treptow's class. They actually have been going for 4 seasons now. This is their fourth season. Here is a little taste... and I am not kidding you, this is the Ikidapod's opening music.

[electronic music plays] 

 Kid: Hello and welcome to Ikidapod. Season four. We're your hosts for today's pod. Frosty Frost. Today we will be telling you what the Iditarod is.... 

 CG: It's pretty great and a shoutout to Mrs. Treptow's kids and The Ikidapod and congratulations on making it to your fourth season of The Ikidapod. I mentioned Dallas Seavey's name a few minutes ago, with his lead dogs. Of course, the four time champion is not running the Iditarod for the second year in a row. he didn't run last year, amid a dog-doping scandal. Since then, the Iditarod says they've cleared him of any wrong-doing. We covered all of that back in season 2 last year. Especially season 2, episode 2. I would definitely encourage the listeners to go back and listen to the whole season, but if you want to know more about all that, that was covered in season 2, episode 2. Again, Dallas is over in Norway, racing in the Finnmarkslopet. There was a point in last year's Iditarod where Joar was leading the Iditarod, he won of course. And Dallas was running in first place in the biggest race over in Norway. It's actually the longest sled dog race in Europe. It's about 750 miles. And Seavey ended up taking 3rd last year. I guess that wasn't good enough for him. He went back over in Norway and he's going to try again to win that race. Maybe the best way to find out about Dallas's run in the Finnmarkslopet is to follow him on Facebook. He's out there on the social medias and on the internet. Well, everybody that's all we have time for today. Check us out at http://AlaskaPublic.org and http://KNOM.org for more stories and photos. We will continue the Iditapod here over the weekend as the race continues, we've also got daylight savings time changes coming up and some math to do. So, stay tuned for that and more extended interviews from Ben and Zach out in the field. Hopefully Zach's going to figure out his internet issues in Anvik. Can't wait for that. Our theme music is by the band Sassafras. I am your host Casey Grove. Til next time, happy trails! [theme music plays]

[jennmapp]

My Top 10 Summer 2018 Essentials

The Hot List

Can you believe it's already mid-July? 

Between launching my first book - Clothes the Deal: The Guide For Transformative Personal Style - and leaving my job to start a closet coaching business, traveling for clients, styling Author Incubator Red Carpet launches, an overnight wedding, more than a few parties and plenty of family travel -  summer 2018 has been especially swift.

All that activity has provided a lot of practice styling, packing, repacking and refining my summer outfit skills all while staying true to core philosophy: Less = more, grooming is paramount and self care key.

Here are my top 10 hacks to help you do just that. 

My Top 10 Summer 2018 Essentials 

#1 Strapless Bra Alternative:

Ladies. I cannot say enough about the life changing magic of Bring It Up Breast Shapers (known as "Sticky Boobies" in my house). I've been a fan of adhesive bras for years but since I discovered this product in March, Bring It Up Breast Shapers have officially replaced Nu Bra as my go to solution under tank tops, spaghetti straps and strapless tops and dresses. I recommend them to all my clients and am currently waiting for my 4th set to arrive from Amazon. You can re-use a pair up to 25 times with proper maintenance (or in my case, no maintenance) and the manufacturer claims they can hold their own on bra sizes up to 36-38 DDD.

#2 Easy Outfit Formula: Madewell Audio Tank Top + Madewell Pull On Shorts

In May I bought a Madewell Audio Tank in ripe persimmon (orangish red) and a pair of Madewell Pull On Shorts in army green and was so pleased with the fit of this combo that I bought another tank in ivory and two more pairs of pull on shorts in black and chambray. My beach trip last week confirmed that this easy to accessorize, easy to wear combo is the perfect summer outfit formula. With three more family vacays to go between now and Labor Day, you will definitely see plenty more variations of this look.

#3 Ultimate Add A Layer: Subtle Luxury Pool to Party Kimono

Summer is all about lightweight, double duty outfit solutions. The name of this Pool to Party Kimono by Subtle Luxury says it all. I've worn this (multiple times) over the Madewell relaxed casual outfit formula above as a going out outfit and over my actual bathing suit at the beach and pool. It's light, luxurious and, at now on sale for $29.99, looks a lot more expensive than the price tag.

#4 Perfect Pop: Organic Hoops + Layering Necklace + Novelty Ring

The lightweight theme continues with this gold tone accessory combination that seems to work with every summer outfit: ADMK organic double hoop earrings (from Covet Boutique in Arlington, VA), Madewell layering necklace (gifted from client), Madewell Looker ring and a gold hammered cuff (gifted from client).

I love how this delicate costume vignette layers beautifully over my forever jewelry and is still light enough to support bolder pieces like my Hermes cuff and still not feel like I'm wearing 100 different accessories.

#5 Forget Flops: Birkenstock Gizeh Birko-Flor T-Strap Sandals

Admittedly, I was the first person to bemoan the return of this ubiquitous '90s norm core sandal.

I was wrong: Birks are life.

Now my feet cringe at the sight of an arch enemy flip flop and with this pair in trend forward metallic leather (mine are rose gold) I am hard pressed to find a reason not to wear them ALL OF THE TIME. 

#6 Fake Tan Plan: Tan Towel Self Tan Towelette Plus + Body Glow BB Cream

My secret to not looking like a city girl at the beach - Tan Towel. In the week leading up to any skin bearing activity, I run a Tan Towel self tanning towelette over dry, clean skin once a day, followed by a generous serving of Tan Towel Body Glow BB Cream (which smells amazing, if you can believe it). Literally everyone asks where I got my tan. Like, literally, everyone.

Just don't forget to wash your hands.

#7 Impact Sandal: Cecelia New York Hibiscus Sandal

I love nothing more than a statement neutral and nothing says summer like a huge flower on your foot. When I am not in my Birkenstocks, I am finding a reason to wear these beautiful shoes by Cecelia New York. If nude isn't your thing, they also come in pink and snakeskin. Worth every penny.

 #8 Lash Blast: Rodan + Fields Lash Boost + Glossier Lash Slick Mascara

With pool plunges, humidity and lots of travel, summer begs for a lighter makeup bag. My solution? Focus on lashes. Initially I was incredulous about R+F Lash Boost but after asking so many girlfriends how their lashes got so long I invested in a tube (and yes, at $150, it is an investment). After two weeks my eye lashes were noticeably longer and now, four months in, all I need is a quick swipe of super natural Glossier Lash Slick (also recommended by a client) for a luscious lash look that doesn't need a lot of extra makeup.

#9 Cannabidiol Calm: Charlotte's Web Hemp Extract Oil

This summer I left a stable career of 16 years to risk the house on a capsule wardrobe coaching dream. Chill #AF? Um, no. But after I heard about the calming benefits of CBD oil on That's So Retrograde (one of my favorite podcasts), I bought a bottle and was delighted to discover a few drops of Charlotte's Web Hemp Extract Oil under the tongue 2-3 times a day really does calm my nerves - and it's amazing for cramps, restful sleep and gracefully flying cross country with two children under six. And yes, it's 100% legal.

#10 Sun Savvy: Rodan + Fields Broad Spectrum SPF 50 Sunscreen

Last but not least - the best beauty advice I ever followed was printed in Allure Magazine in early 2001 - if you want to look younger and live longer, wear SPF 30+ religiously every single day, regardless of weather or season. Almost two decades later I've amped my minimal coverage to SPF 50 and keep a bottle of Rodan + Fields Broad Spectrum SPF 50 Sunscreen in my beach bag for frequent re-applications. 

What's In Your Beach Bag, Baby?

Share your summer staples (or just stop by to peep my daily FB lives and capsule fashion inspo) on the Tiny Closet Survival Guide Facebook Group. 

Looking for an easy digital beach read guaranteed to change your perspective on what it takes to cement personal style? Download a free copy of my new book Clothes the Deal: The Guide For Transformative Personal Style. Can't wait to hear what you think!

Be the Bright!

xoxo

Jenn

#summer outfits #summer #summer 2018 #Rodan + Fields #Madewell #outfit forumulas #Birkenstock #Cecelia New York #CBD oil

[fuckyeahjamieandclaire]

It turns out love can conquer crow’s feet. Executive producer Maril Davis on the period drama’s decision to let love, not age lines, drive Claire and Jamie’s reunion arc despite a 20-year time jump.

There’s always been plenty to envy about Claire and Jamie, the star-crossed couple whose centuries-spanning romance propels the period drama Outlander. They’re capable, brave, and beautiful, blessed by an unbreakable bond, strong convictions, and even stronger sex drives. Since the series’ first season, their ear-pleasing accents, smoldering, soul-searching looks, telegenic love-making, and repeated rescues of each other’s lives have set a high standard, relationship-wise. But recent episodes of Outlander have introduced us to yet another quality we wish we had in common with Claire and Jamie: They’re almost immune to aging.

By their third seasons, many TV series settle into a rut—a familiar and welcome one, in the case of some comfort TV, but less so for hour-long dramas with fantasy elements, which traffic in twists and upheaval. But disrupting the status quo wasn’t a struggle for Outlander, an adaptation of Diana Gabaldon’s book series, which comprises eight novels (with a ninth on the way) and assorted shorter works. Through 37 episodes, the Starz series’ story is still closer to takeoff than landing, working through the third book in the sequence, 1993’s Voyager.

The events of Voyager dictated an unorthodox interlude for a program that’s centered on the interplay (and intercourse) between two charismatic and chemistry-laden leads: an extended separation and a mutual 20-year time jump. At the end of Season 2, the pregnant Claire (a 20th-century English nurse who in the first season accidentally slips into the past through, um, a mystical stone) and Jamie (her 18th-century, red-haired highlander lover) are forced to break up by the impending Battle of Culloden, at which Jamie, a Jacobite rebel, expects to be (and nearly is) killed.

To protect their soon-to-be-born daughter Brianna, Claire (played by Caitriona Balfe) returns to the 1940s. Believing that Jamie (played by Sam Heughan) did die, she does her best to move on, relocating to Boston, raising Brianna, becoming a doctor, and growing apart from her first husband, Frank, who’s caring and attentive but lacks Jamie’s highland lilt, kilt collection, and Men’s Health cover physique. Jamie, meanwhile, survives battle, torture, and imprisonment (nothing new for him), grows and shaves a big beard, fathers a son, pivots to printing and smuggling, and gets married again out of loneliness, all while carrying an eternal torch for Claire. Midway through the third season, after almost five episodes apart, they reunite in the mid-1760s, two decades older but no less in love—and, curiously, looking a lot like they did the last time they were together.

“I wanted to look—well, the same as when you last saw me,” Claire says with some trepidation during their first conversation, admitting that she’s dyed away the single gray streak that had appeared in her hair in earlier, Boston-centric scenes. Mission accomplished, Claire. Neither member of Outlander’s leading duo looks any worse for wear after 20 years of imprisonment, parenthood, and pining for lost love. 

For Outlander’s creators, the time jump presented a production dilemma, not because of the story (which Gabaldon had already plotted out) or setting (most viewers aren’t well-versed in the intricacies of 1740s vs. 1760s style), but because of the actors’ appearances. In real life, a two-decade difference isn’t invisible, no matter how much St. Ives Oatmeal and Shea Butter Lotion you lather on because of Balfe.

Heughan, 37, and Balfe, 38, were both 34 when the series premiere aired in 2014, but their characters were considerably younger. “Jamie’s kind of early 20s, Claire is late 20s when it starts,” Outlander executive producer Maril Davis says by phone. Three years passed between Claire’s first time jump back to 1743 and the Battle of Culloden, which, Davis says, would put both of them in their “mid- to later-40s after the [20-year] time jump.” Although the creators talked about shortening the story’s time jump to reduce the need to alter the actors’ appearance, they found that they couldn’t do it without omitting too many plot points from the characters’ time apart.

Aware that the time jump was looming, the producers started doing screen tests last season with Balfe and Heughan, in consultation with head of hair and makeup Annie McEwan, who had worked on Season 4 of Game of Thrones before joining the Outlander crew. After experimenting with various looks, the creative team decided, essentially, that both Balfe and Heughan were too hot to convincingly tamper with by obscuring their actual features. “We have two actors who happen to be incredibly beautiful people,” Davis says. “It is hard to make them look bad, damn them.” Originally, the pair’s first post-reunion sex scene featured a reference to stretch marks, but the writers lost that line from the script, Davis says, when the makeup crew informed them that stretch marks “don't read very well on camera.”

Even apart from the specific challenge of wrinkling, graying, and thickening two age-resistant actors, the transition from 20s to 40s is a particularly tough one. “It's hard to make young people look incrementally older,” Davis says. “It's obviously a little easier—and I put ‘easier’ in quotes—if you're aging someone up from like 30 to 80. … With two actors who look so young anyways in their real life, we realized that we couldn't do major jumps without it looking fake, and also taking a lot of extra time in hair and makeup, as well as using a lot of extra prosthetics.”

For Davis, a veteran of more explicitly sci-fi (and more makeup- and prosthetic-reliant) productions such as Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica, Outlander’s understated approach to the aging process didn’t come intuitively. “There were some times that I said to our hair and makeup team, ‘Can we go farther? Because you can't read some of these lines that you're painting on camera,’” Davis says. “And they were horrified. They were like, ‘Are you kidding? Oh my god, we can't go any farther.’ It's interesting, because you also have to take the advice of people that have been in the business doing the hair and makeup a long time, knowing that they can only go so far until they feel uncomfortable because it doesn't look real anymore.”

In addition to the aging uncanny valley, there’s the time cost to the talent and crew to consider. A heavier hand on the cosmetic side—on top of the prosthetic flogging scars already applied to Heughan’s back in shirtless scenes for much of the series’ run—would mean much more time in makeup chairs, staring blankly into mirrors as fake years and real hours add up. Though according to Davis, Balfe and Heughan, who were frequently consulted, never expressed any reservations about hiding their youth under veneers of age. “They're both very game for whatever we want to do, and so this isn't a vanity thing,” she says. “Neither of them, I don't think, at any point has ever said, ‘I have to look good, so don't make me look too old.’”

This was a weighty decision, because the ramifications for the series could extend far into the future. Unlike some shows or movies that might insert a brief flash-forward in a single scene or episode, Outlander is committed to the time jump for the long term. Whatever aging the crew applied to Balfe and Heughan now would sentence them to the same look for years to come on a series that may still be relatively early in its run (which already has been renewed for a fourth season). That’s not only a nuisance, but potentially an acting inhibitor, as Davis says Heughan discovered while wearing his wild beard in the third season’s second episode. “If you have something on your face like that, sometimes it's a little harder to talk, you're more aware of it, it takes you out,” Davis says. “So all of these things are factors, and same with if we were getting into heavy prosthetics to make actors appear much older than they are.”

The end result of all the discussion and screen tests is a difference so subtle that you have to squint to see it—just like the new, older Jamie has to squint to see small text without wearing his reading glasses. Specs aside, he looks almost unchanged. “With Sam, we've kind of weathered him, adding more shading to his face,” Davis says. “We've got some lines that the hair and makeup department have put in themselves, and then greying at the temples for him, as well as with Caitriona. We realized because her skin is also so young that we'd have to sell a lot of it with the gray in her hair.” Of course, even that gray is gone now, at least temporarily, although Davis says its absence stems from an impulse to portray Claire’s humanizing insecurity, rather than a need to preserve the stars’ romance-novel looks (which she acknowledges are part of the show’s appeal). “So much of our talk about appearance is motivated from a character standpoint,” she says. “I don't think we ever go, ‘Oh my god, they have to look amazing because this show is trying to sell a fantasy element.’” But who’s to say that the mystical stones don’t have anti-aging effects?

In navigating the time jump, the producers’ overriding desire was to avoid distracting the audience by going overboard on aging. “You don't want to be taken out of the moment, sitting back watching at home,” Davis says. At times, though, the lack of aging is its own sort of distraction. My wife and I giggled through one supposed-to-be-tender scene as the script tried to sell us on these nearly identical-looking 30-something specimens as people pushing 50. “I don’t look like an old man?” Jamie asks self-consciously, shortly before exposing his still-chiseled chest. And Claire, after completely disrobing to reveal her youthful frame, tells an admiring Jamie, "You must really be losing your eyesight." Nobody’s buying it, guys.

The aging-related dialogue is less jarring when it alludes to the absurdity of the situation, as when Claire marvels to Jamie, “Most men in their 40s have started to go soft around the middle. You haven't a spare ounce on you,” or when she greets the family lawyer by exclaiming, “You look exactly the same!” (No Battlestar fat suits here.) In other scenes, though, the actors convincingly convey the passage of time through emotion, even though they both remain outwardly radiant. “We had so many discussions with Caitriona and Sam about this internal aging, because some of it, you are trying to sell this gravitas of 20 years of loss through their acting, which I think they do so well,” Davis says.

The best asset Outlander has in hand-waving its characters’ immutability is an audience that’s willing to suspend disbelief. “Let's be honest, we could've kept these two apart for a week and it would've seemed like an eternity,” Davis says. “I think for the fans it probably seemed like 100 years—for us as well. So I don't think we needed to add to that at all.”And if—like a lot of the Outlander faithful—you’re the sentimental type who doesn’t mind some soapiness, you’ll accept that love can conquer crow’s feet. “I think in a weird way, that 20 years just kind of faded away when they saw each other again,” Davis says. “In some ways, it was like so much time had passed, and in other ways it was like no time had passed at all because that love had never died.”

With the reunion episode’s semi-awkward aging exchanges behind it, Outlander soon stops dwelling on appearances: The following week, Jamie fireman’s carries a man from a burning building, and the week after that, not-so-newlyweds Claire and Jamie tear off their clothes and writhe around on the floor. Most Outlander watchers wouldn’t have it any other way.

Judging by the books (spoilers!), there’s still a chance that we’ll see an actually old-looking Claire and Jamie in future seasons. “If we're lucky enough to do all the books, they're in their 60s in the current books,” Davis says. “So we do want to also have somewhere to go, and we do need to use, as a base, our two actors, who are very young, and so we want to be with them on this journey.”

But based on this season, don’t be surprised if the 60-something couple doesn’t look a day over 45. “Time doesn’t matter, Sassenach,” Jamie says in Season 3’s sixth episode, using his pet name for Claire. “You will always be beautiful to me.” And also, most likely, to everyone watching at home.

#outlander #outlander starz #maril davis #caitriona balfe #sam heughan #jamie x claire #tv news #people: caitriona balfe #people: sam heughan #A. MALCOLM #3x06 #tv: s3 #queue

[livinginahicktown]

fanfic writers asks: #1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 17, 18, 19, 20, 22, 24, 30, 38, 40, 42, 45, 46? any fandom you like ^^

1) things that inspire you

Honestly, a lot of things inspire me to write. Gaps in stories, the way characters interact, other people’s ideas and head canons, random things that happen to me, songs…

2) things that motivate you

My brain and my body don’t agree on when I can write. Like, I can have all the motivation and inspiration in the world and still spend hours staring at a blank document. But I almost always have either a story or art idea banging around in my head, waiting for the moment things line up right.

5) since how long do you write?

I’ve been writing both my own stories and fanfiction since 2005. At least, that’s when I started holding on to what I wrote. It wasn’t too long after that that I started posting stuff on quizilla (that just made me feel really old XD)

6) how did writing change you?

Honestly, along with reading, it gave me an escape from the fact that I was always alone. And then later it gave me an outlet for the crap that was happening in my life. It just….been a way I can keep myself calm and process everything without overwhelming my damaged brain. So, I think the answer is that it’s kept me partly sane XD

17) favorite AU to write 

I like writing modern AUs, regardless of the series. I have a USUK Hetalia one that’s unfinished on fanfiction.net that I may or may not ever finish XD

18) favorite pairing to write

A lot of my fanfics are OC/self insert stuff (because I use writing as a coping mechanism), but if we’re talking canon characters, Sinbad/Ja’far from Magi.

19) favorite fandom to write

The list of fandoms I’ve written for is actually pretty small. Magi is always a lot of fun. So is Sengoku Basara (the one I spend the most time on these days). Hetalia used to be my go to though.

20) favorite character to write

I honestly really like writing my OCs. Ja’far is the easiest for me to write, usually, so he’s top of the list. Maeda Keiji’s a lot of fun too.

22) favorite story you’ve ever written

Well, let me dig through my story folder…that’s hard…Gaia’s Protectors (Saint Seiya) and its prequel, Sengoku Madness (Sengoku Basara), Black Eyes (Saiyuki) and The Monkey has a Sister (Hakuouki) and its various spinoffs. None of which I’ve posted because I’m highly self conscious of my writing and can’t always keep the characters 100% accurate.

24) favorite scene you’ve ever written

It’s from one of my Hakuouki spinoffs. My OC had never had sake before so some of the characters remedy that. The scene picks up the next day when they all wake up and my OC has a hangover and is just downright miserable so everyone takes pity on her. The next in line is any interaction between my OC and Keiji or Yukimura in Sengoku Madness.

30) hardest part of writing

Actually writing. I can want to, have the inspiration an motivation, and still nothing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

38) do you reread your own stories? 

All the time. None of them are finished and I’ll take week, month, or year long breaks between writing sessions so I almost have to just to remember where I was going.

40) which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series

I don’t really want to see any of my fanfics as a movie or series. I’d far rather see one of my original works get that kind of attention, but that’ll never happen.

42) do you plan or do you write whatever comes to your mind?

I almost never plan. Sometimes I might know where or how I want the story to end, but I’m generally just writing whatever comes to mind and seems to fit.

45) share the synopsis of a story you work on that you haven’t published yet

Hahahaha I never publish any of my work. Um…this one’s from a very rough, unfinished, and untitled Slayers story.

Left in a magic-induced slumber, a young dragon is awakened by a group of travellers only to find that she’s been asleep for 900 years. Stranded without anyone she knew, the dragon follows the ragtag group as she tries to figure out what happened and get by in a world that moved on without her. Hope springs up when she hears news that someone she knew may still be alive, but panic sets in when she hears that the one who took them in is someone she knows as an enemy. Will she be able to save him? Will she even be able to survive herself?

46) share a scene of a story that you haven’t published yet

Oh jeez…from Gaia’s Protectors. It makes almost no sense without context and knowing who the characters are, but it’s goofy and fairly light-hearted.

Dohko woke up the next morning and went to check on the two anomalies currently calling his Temple home. He knew that many would criticize him for letting the two stay in the same room, but he hadn’t been worried about it. And what he saw when he walked in the room proved that he had been right. Amaranth was sprawled with her knee against Regulus’ hip. In turn, the Leo was stretch out upside down with his foot next to her face.Shion stopped in the doorway next to his friend. “Think we should wake them up?”He shook his head. “Let them sleep. The smell of breakfast will probably rouse them soon enough.”Once again, the Libra was right. The smell of frying bacon soon drew two drowsy juveniles from the bowels of the Temple. Amaranth proceeded to collapse at the table across from Shion, who was questioning if she had even noticed him, while Regulus offered to help prepare breakfast if there was anything left to do. Absentmindedly, Amaranth started humming to herself, head bobbing side to side to the tune.“Now what song is that?” Shion looked at her with interest.She cracked an eye open, noticing the Aries for the first time. “Fo'c'sle Song.” She said, then dropped her head to the table with an audible thud. “Fiddler’s Green.”“You’re singing about dying first thing in the morning?” He seemed unsettled by that fact.Amara yawned. “It’s an upbeat song. And it was stuck in my head when I woke up.”“That seems a bit odd.”“Well, Fiddler’s Green is the Celtic fishermen’s equivalent to Elysian. And I fell asleep thinking about having to go work for Hades.” She closed her eyes again. “Wake me up when the food’s ready.”“Wait, you have to work for Hades?” Shion frowned, far from pleased with the idea.“It’s nothing major.” She waved her hand limply. “Just have to muck out horse stalls. For the next hundred years. Could be worse.”“So you’ll be travelling back and forth between here and the Underworld?” Dohko set food on the table and took a seat.“Mm.” She stuffed a slice of bacon in her mouth. “I probably won’t be here for the next hundred years. Too long in one place. But while I’m here, yeah.”“And how long will you be here?” Shion asked, scooping eggs onto his plate.Amara shrugged. “I could stay until Gaia leaves, up to a few months.” She scooped breakfast onto her plate haphazardly. “Or I could hang around for a while after that. I’ve found Zeus’ll only bother me if I’m in the same place for a really extended period of time. Up to ten years, if I’m careful.”“It’s a miracle you’re not dead yet.”A shrug was all he got in response, as the immortal was far to engrossed in her food to answer.Regulus bumped her leg under the table. When she looked up, he was looking at her with his head tilted to the side. Her lips curled up in a slight smile. The silent exchange went on for a few moments, concluding with the Leo laughing and Amara shaking her head in amusement.“How do you two do that?” Dohko had stopped mid-bite to watch.They exchanged a look and shrugged in tandem, immediately digging back into their food.Shion, deciding to change the course of the conversation, took this as his chance to speak. “What are you two going to do about your relationship?” He couldn’t help being a little nosy. He was the Pope, after all, and wanted to keep tabs on what was going on in Sanctuary. Or so he would say if anyone questioned him. Really, he just wanted to tease the two allies he hadn’t seen in so long.Regulus’ face went bright red and he froze, the bite of egg falling off his fork.Amaranth choked on her toast. Coughing and sputtering, she locked him with a watery-eyed stare.“H-huh?”“I asked what you two were going to do.”“Why?”“Idle curiosity.”“Right…”Dohko smiled. “I’m more curious about what Regulus is going to do when Amara decides it’s time to move on.”“I-I haven’t thought about that.” He looked at the girl briefly before turning his complete attention to his plate.Amara mentally sighed. Time to redirect the conversation again. “Oh, oh! Change of topic.” She grinned. “How’re we going to introduce Reg to modern day everything?”“Why don’t you take him to Athens with you?” The Libra gestured with his fork. “He’s going to need stuff, too.”“…So, you want me to take him, to Athens, and return in one piece? Dohko, what do you think is going to happen the first time he sees a car? Or a television?”The Saint opened his mouth to say something, then slowly closed it, the smile slipping from his face.“Dohko, I think she has a point.” Shion chuckled.Regulus looked at the three in front of him. “What’s a television?”

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THE COURAGE OF CORE

I think so. If it were a conscious trick, he would have slipped in a moment of excitement.1 But they share, along with all the time they expended on this doomed company. The company that did was RCA, and Farnsworth's reward for his efforts was a decade of patent litigation. Customers don't care how hard you work. There are two differences: you're not saying it to your boss and say, I'd like to believe Viaweb succeeded because we were so desperate for users that we'd offer to build merchants' sites for them if they'd sign up. Who knows how many bullets were in the middle of something else, and you can probably get three times as hard, so please pay me ten times a much. It would crush its competitors.2 But barring emergencies you have a good deal of indirect control over what becomes the top idea in their mind at any given time. To survive it you need a set of techniques mostly orthogonal to the ones used in convincing investors, just as acquirers do. And the same is true for funding. One is that it works so much better.

A round, before the VCs invest they make the company set aside a block of stock for future hires—usually between 10 and 30% of the company is basically treading water. Redesigning code with several authors is like changing laws; redesigning code you alone control is like seeing the other interpretation of an ambiguous image.3 The most powerful wind is users.4 Work in small groups. What would you think of new things, but in series A rounds, the investors won't take as much equity as VCs do now. Economically, you can let the numbers speak for you. If you know what you're talking about, you may be able to change what you're doing, your servers keep crashing, you run into an insoluble technical problem, you may not have to be the top one in my mind for two long stretches.5 Once something becomes a big marketplace, you ignore it at your peril. If starting a startup were easy, everyone would do this.6 We charged quite a lot in the brains department and it won't kill you. But while series A rounds is that they're to the advantage of investors, who have in the past been the ones with the most power.

Maybe things will be different a year from now, if the economy continues to get worse, but so far there is zero slackening of interest among potential founders that startups were over, and it's hard to predict, till you try to convert that interest into money. Y Combinator is working to fix this. A rounds. The closest you can get at least someone to pay you from the beginning.7 This is a list of heroes. The price is that the resulting code is bloated with protocols and full of duplication. There was then a fashionable type of program called an expert system, at the core of which was something called an inference engine.

If the startup can't raise the full amount. If raising money is so painful, why do it?8 But that's not all talks are good for.9 So all other things being equal, a society consisting of more, smaller deals.10 Raising more money just lets us do it faster.11 I want to plant a hypnotic suggestion in your heads: when you program, you spend more time reading code than writing it. The most important thing is to be disappointed. Whatever its flaws, the writing you find online is authentic.12

Which of course makes me um even more, because I haven't had any time at all to practice the new bits. If you can develop technology that's simply too hard for competitors to duplicate, you don't have to be the right kind of determined, though. If we assume the average startup runs for 6 years and a partner can bear to be on any shortlist of admirable people. Startups are certainly a large part of it. But you can't get very far by trading things directly with the people who use it.13 It would be safe to be default dead if you could read the minds of the consumers, you'd find these factors were all blurred together.14 Which means to the extent we're correct, those are the qualities you need to do to make people pause. Maybe VCs feel they need the power that comes with board membership to ensure their money isn't wasted. First of all, he was intellectually curious.15 But they may not consciously realize it, that readers trust bloggers more than Business Week. They do more in their heads: they try to get customers to pay them for something, in the sense of an all-or-nothing aspect of startups was not something we wanted.

Notes

For example, it's hard to avoid that.

The dialog on Beavis and Butthead was composed largely of these companies unless your initial funding runs out. If anyone wants.

By all means crack down on these. Maybe it would be to write about the distinction between matter and form if Aristotle hadn't written about them. Adults care just as Europeans finished assimilating classical science. Founders at Work.

Even the cheap kinds of companies to be about 50%. By your mid-game. It's more in the postwar period also helped preserve the wartime compression of wages—specifically by sharding it.

Without distractions it's too hard to prevent shoplifting because in their lifetimes. Stir vigilantly to avoid the topic.

Joe thinks one of the anti-dilution provisions also protect you against tricks like a probabilistic spam filter, which have evolved the way I know one very successful YC founder told me that if colleges want to keep their stock. Many people have for a couple predecessors.

There is always 15 weeks behind the doors that say authorized personnel only.

I'm clueless or being misleading by focusing on people who want to approach a specific firm, the startup is a major cause of poverty. I worry we may be some part you can hire unskilled people to work on projects that improve the world of the expert they send to look you over. The reason is that the graph of jobs is not a remark about the details.

The only launches I remember about the origins of the 3 month old Microsoft presented at a public company CEOs in 2002 was 35,560. But in practice is that present-day trash. They might not have gotten where they are within any given time I had a contest to describe what they really mean, in which many people mistakenly think it was putting local grocery stores out of their shares when the country would buy one.

But the margins are greater on products. Ii. Thanks to judgmentalist for this is what we measure worth measuring?

The moment I do in proper essays. Whereas many of the density of startup: one kind that prevents you from starving. Except text editors and compilers.

It's conceivable that the stuff one used to reply that they create liquidity. Wave.

So it's hard to say incendiary things, you could only get in the back of Yahoo, but I couldn't believe it or not to have too few customers even if they can grow the acquisition offers that every fast-growing startup gets on the grounds that a startup, unless it was considered the most common recipe but not in the Valley itself, and don't want to acquire you. I'm writing about one specific, rather than by selling them overpriced components. In Shakespeare's own time, because it made a lot of great things were created mainly to make money from writing, any company could build products as good as Apple's just by hiring someone to do that much better, and then scale it up because they think they're just mentioning the possibility is that you'll have no trouble getting hired by these companies wish they were more dependent on banks for capital for expansion.

But it is dishonest of the next year or two make the kind of bug to track down. Then Josh Wilson came in to pick the words we use have a big effect on the group's accumulated knowledge. You can get for free.

99, and graph theory. They'd freak if they do, I'll have people nagging me for features. Later stage investors won't invest.

#automatically generated text #Markov chains #Paul Graham #Python #Patrick Mooney #Microsoft #startups #banks #heads #moment #bug #Maybe #people #sup #times #personnel #differences #board #company #Later #things #bits #A #share #science #reason #stock #trash #Europeans

[livinginahicktown]

betelgeuse, vega, centaurus, cassiopeia, asteroid, supernova. 50 Ask: 7, 8, 10, 31, 37, 38. and lastly Valentine's ask: 6, 9, 15, 16, 18, 26, 35, 46, 55, 58, 60, 62 there I always forget to go threw these to ask things so I did a bunch.

*giggles* Hello Amatus ^^

Betelgeuse: What’s something you can never forget about?

The times I’ve embarrassed myself/been embarrassed. Every time I’ve almost died. How I’ve felt toward things and people. Silly con stuff. How we met at the college. My mind holds onto a lot. Unless it’s someone asking me to take out the trash or other menial daily chore type things.

Vega: What’s something you’ve done that you wish you hadn’t?

There are things I wish I’d done, but didn’t (talked to my grandpa and my god-brother more, stood up for myself or said no). But there’s nothing I wish I hadn’t done. Oh, wait. Drove my car into a flooded wash and killed it. That I wish I hadn’t done.

Centaurus: Favourite holiday?

Halloween! Also Christmas because good memories and July 4th because fireworks and BBQ.

Cassiopeia: Favourite book?

I...do not have one. I love books. I collect them. And choosing a single favorite is impossible XD

Asteroid: What does your dream life look like?

It used to be an apartment in a big city, alone and mostly not social outside of work. Now it’s a small house outside of town, or maybe an apartment in a not heavily trafficked area, with my partner, a pet or two, maybe a kid at some point in the distant future if either of us can handle so much responsibility, accepting friends and neighbors, and a job I enjoy. With my partner being able to live as they want and work a job they enjoy too. So, what it really boils down to is that I just want us both to be happy or content more than suffering.

Supernova: What’s one thing you want to do before you die?

I want to travel. See what the world has to offer outside this flawed country. 

50 Asks

7) You can marry one fictional character. Who?

kjuhaleihgnv just one? Um...there’s one of my O.C.s that kinda fits that description. But there’s also Date Masamune from Sengoku Basara (who, in all honestly, I’d probably drive insane).

8) If you weren’t born in this era, which do you think you should have been born in?

Civil War US or late Edo-era Japan. So sometime in the mid to late 1800′s.

10) Name one weird gift you’d like to be given.

Well, my etsy and amazon wishlists are a pretty crazy menagerie of stuff XD but things covered in blood spatter or a heart in a jar (which I want but also really don’t want because I have this weird need to play with preserved organs when I have them).

31) Pro- or anti-sleeping with socks?

Is it possible to be both? Because, like, I don’t like my feet being constricted and most socks have kinda rough textures so them rubbing on my legs feels strange but I also have really cold feet and I don’t like being cold so I wear them sometimes anyway.

37) A book you would recommend to anyone who would listen

Soulless. I will slowly convert everyone into loving the steam punk supernatural.

38) A movie you would recommend to anyone who would listen

Um...this one’s harder. I’m not really sure. I mean, you can’t go wrong with the RDJ Sherlock Holmes, most Marvel movies, Indiana Jones (though not a big fan of Crystal Skull), Resident Evil...but there’s not really anything I rave about.

Valentine’s Asks

6) Have you ever been cheated on?

Not that I’m aware of.

9) What's the most important part of a relationship?

Trust. Love. Acceptance.

15) Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?

Age is only a number if you’re of legal, consenting age. An 18 year old dating someone in their 40′s is still hugely uncomfortable to me though. I have a lot of opinions on stuff like this because I 100% wouldn’t want either of my parents (in thier 50′s) dating someone my age but if one of them chose to date someone in their 30′s, it wouldn’t be an issue. Like, there’s a fine line between acceptable and creepy and it’s different for everyone. But if you’re an adult and going after a teenager or younger, you deserve to be manually castrated at the very least.

16) Do you believe in "love at first sight"?

I guess? I mean, love is just a combination of chemicals and different things trigger it for different people. So someone can be infatuated by (or heart racingly attracted to) someone when they see them. But (to me, at least, because I don’t really get the attracted to someone at first sight thing) that seems more like you’re attracted to their body or features rather than them as a person. I kinda don’t understand being attracted to someone you don’t know.

18) What do you consider a deal breaker?

If you’re an asshole, and not in the friendly joking way, try to force me into something I’m not comfortable with, control me, or otherwise be an abusive dick, you’re gone. Pretty much everything else I can work with.

26) Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?

My dad attracts super jealous women with questionable mental stability and my mom attracts standoffish assholes. I wouldn’t trust either of them to pass judgement on my partners. Short answer, no. My parents just learned to accept me living my own life. Me and my dad don’t talk relationships and I shut my mom down any time she tries to start something, which, thankfully, she has stopped doing.

35) Could you be in a relationship without sex?

Probably? I mean, I’m 24 and I’ve mostly survived without it up to now. 

46) Have you ever been "friendzoned"?

It doesn’t count as being friend zoned if you never tried to ask them out in the first place.

55) Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"?

Clingy, maybe, because of my insecurity. And mildly jealous. I really hate that I am, though, because I don’t want to be.

58) Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?

It depends on my mood, but I can be anything you want me to be.

60) What's your opinion on open relationships?

Not really for me personally. I can respect other people and their life choices and preferences, but I’m monogamous.

62) How do you define "cheating"?

A one night stand or relationship with multiple people where everyone isn’t fully informed and consenting.