#i really wish i could kill myself

[emlos]

bro this eating disorder shit rly sucks

#screaming into the void here but #i WISH i wasnt so obsessed with my lack of self control and my resulting weight #but like. no joke #HOW o i stop myself from doing what i want #like.... i know what self control is #i know what mindfullness is #and i cry myself to sleep because im unable to NOT #anwyays i ate another 8000 calories today #i know whats healty or not and sicne i live a basically sedentary lifestyle... i couldve eaten something different #but nooo pizza and cheesesticks and keiserschmarrn it is!!! #i really wish i could kill myself #but im too scared of pain to do that #the only motivator for me is fear #fear ill fail feat itll hurt... but it has to be immediate #fear ill be unattractive... its 1. not true and 2. delayed. not real #i dont know what to do #vent #tw ed #tw eating disorder #dunno which one tbh #fucking ednos because i cant do anything typically #some days ill eat 400kcal #some days 10000 #i cant stop myself when i think of food it 'triggers' me and i cant stop thinking about until the dark cloud is so dark it rains #also alcoholism but thats like... coping. with reality even though i dont have it that bad #literally a waste of fucking space i genuinely should kill myself there are real problems out there and im what #fucking crying cause im chubby #fucking grow up #finger on the eject button etc etc etc

[extratt413]

.

#I really wish I could kill myself

[cuubism]

truly continually obsessed by the dynamic of dream "who could stand an eternity of this" of the endless and hob "i'll fight death behind the denny's for one more day of life" gadling, never fails to make me go AHHHHHHHHH

#hob will really lose his wife and two children and still be like 'i still want to see the new chimneys tho' #and dream will face one minor inconvenience and be like i wish i was mortal so i could kill myself #i'm exaggerating but YOU KNOW #IT'S THE DYNAMIC #AHHH #dreamling #the sandman

[stop-breaking-my-heart-dragonage]

Me, when Sebastian joins my party for the first time: Okay, this time I'm not going to forget about you, Sebastian. I'm going to make an effort to use you a lot this playthrough so I can better understand you.

Also me, immediately forgetting about Sebastian while finishing Act 2 and making it halfway through Act 3 before I finally notice his Faith quest: ......................Oh. Right. My bad.

#da2 #dragon age 2 #sebastian vael #listen in my defense..........i don't like bringing sebastian anywhere sksksks #okay look i seriously tried but every time i bring him somewhere i always think man i wish i had brought someone else #and also i do just forget about him! i finally added him to my party at one point and he had 24 points to spend... #that's how long i neglected him after i promised myself i was gonna use him more and then i didn't #it's not that i don't like sebastian as a character though i do tend to side eye him A LOT... it's just that i like everyone else more #even aveline like i'd take aveline over sebastian any day and that's saying something... or is it? i have a lot of feelings about aveline #whereas my feelings about sebastian could maybe fill a thimble...it doesn't help that in my canon run as a mage hawke #i romance anders and well... sebastian wants me to kill anders and my hawke is like 'do i approve of blowing up the chantry? complicated.' #'am i breaking up with anders for this? absolutely. do i still love him? mmhmmm. am i going to kill him sebby? i'd sooner set varric aflame #then sebastian threatens to bring an army to kirkwall and leaves so i can't say i have the greatest opinion on him #even the time where i did kill anders and he stayed in my party he was just... there #and then he glitched out and started t posing while asking if ed ever found out what anders wanted to do in the chantry so..... yeah #but even this playthrough where i'm playing as a lady warrior with a different personality and everything... i'd just rather use anyone els #also keep him away from bethany i do not approve sksksks she's too good for him #i want to understand and see the different angles of him like with the other companions but i've yet to convince myself to do it #also sebastian romancers out there can you like... explain? genuinely can you explain the appeal? i'm curious #because of all the love interests in da2 i look at sebastian and you'd think i'd maybe be more interested? but it's like... #i know about the chaste marriage and everything like that's fine i don't need sex to be a thing in the relationship but it feels less like #an asexual romance and more like... y'know... being with a priest and i guess that's just not one of my kinks? sksksks #i guess there's also the prince angle but i romanced alistair in dao and kept him a grey warden i don't really care about royalty power #and i don't have issues with him being a part of the chantry [well i do but yknow what i mean] since i romanced cullen in dai #and his whole deal with the chantry and magic and shit makes his romance interesting to me but sebastian is just.... a bit too much i think #i don't know i'd like to understand because i really don't but i also keep forgetting about him

[firstofficerkittycat]

When I say bones has ocd I think of him as like a very high functioning dissociative who can do all his surgical procedures with a calm that cannot be taught and the steadiest hand uve ever seen and then 15-20 mins after clocking out completely falls apart at the seams because this job is in competition with the wiring of his brain but he does it anyway because he can't bear to see people suffer when he has the ability to help I see him as someone who could barely look at a diagram of the human body in school without passing out because every time he did he'd remember that's what his insides look like and those pictures would grow and mutate in his head until he could feel them, he's someone who can do his job well because he's spent his entire life managing those visions and mental distancing is an art he's mastered entirely and he can open people up because he sees opened up people all the time anyway. He sees them everywhere. It's just life

#ocd bones #leonard bones mccoy #this is how i wish i could be #i wish seeing insides everywhere all the time would be enough to numb u to them but nah u really gotta work at it #and i have! i used to not be able to look at my own skin without seeing things #but i tattoed myself last year!!! #so things do get better #i cant be a doctor tho lmao #idk just a nice thought that someone could #like hes just so good at living with himself that hes thrown himself into the same environment that his brain was killing him with #ultimate form of exposure therapy just become a surgeon fhskdhfj

[rithmeres]

*starts listening to the thg playlist*

augh -1 health

oof -1 health

ugh! -1 health

mmf -1 health

ugh! -1 health

augh -1 health

etc

GOOD that’s the effect i wanted >:)

#i wish so badly that i could annotate it. when will my husband (8tracks annotations) come back from the war #i made a rule that i was not allowed to take any songs from the soundtracks #until it was all finished and then i can pepper the best ones in sparingly #(abraham’s daughter & gale song & everybody wants to rule the world r going on there for sure) #i wanted to make myself get really creative without the crutch of the soundtracks although they r bangers #like we HAVE to start with the woods by daughter because it’s about sisters. #and if you forget that the hunger games is a story about a girl who loves her sister you have lost the plot #o children by nick cave is about children killing and being cleaned up and shipped off on a train. like ok #eat your young is self explanatory #so is kill our way to heaven (really digs into the mentality of a tribute imo) #glory and gore is on there because i genuinely thought lorde made that song for the movie #die first? well that’s katpee to a T (people who call them everlark u are boring and people who call them peeniss that’s too much for me) #(i think katpee is the funniest ship name ever so i’m using it) #who are you really is like who are you. really. but also i have nothing left to lose / see me bare my teeth for you !!!!!!!! #GOSSIP BY MÅNESKIN. FINNICK SONG. SIP THE GOSSIP DRINK TILL YOU CHOKE. #17 by ladytron :| also a finnick song perhaps :| but works for the other victors also :| they only want you when you’re 17 :| #AND THEN FEED THE MACHINE IS SO MUCH FUN RAAAAAAAAA WTF IS A LABOR UNION HEY (HEY) YOU (YOU) FEED THE MACHINE #if you only listen to one song on the playlist is should be that one because its just such a banger #wires by the neighborhood is like help me kill the president we’re gonna send him straight to hell (and it rules) #and then feel something by jaymes young is about a young person who is emotionally damaged beyond repair 🙃 had to end it on that one

[supernovasimplicity]

I wish I could be the kind of person who takes out of context, deliberately mistranslated screenshots from an account whose bio is a blackmail ransom note at face value

but unfortunately something about watching an excruciating, months-long harrassment campaign by a known liar who has twisted every fact (and then invented "facts" for good measure) to paint this man as the devil incarnate has left me slightly less trusting than that

which is a shame because you all seem to be having a wonderful time on your moral high horse

#negativity #wish i could look at this situation and say wow this sure is black and white so glad there's no nuance required whatsover #but uh yeah i just don't really see it #anon is off so if you want to tell me to kill myself you'll have to do it with your name attached <3 #will probably end up deleting this but oh well

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

the drawings from yesterday's aggie!!

a big thank you to everyone who took the time to hop in and say hi, and to all of those who drew with me for the past 8 hours i spent doodling and avoiding my responsibilities<333

the art here belongs to me and

@help-im-a-gay-fish

@bluepallilworld

@diofasolia

(and thank you to @adorablemew and @its-paperd for passing by<33)

#my art #aggie #other's art #i'm not tagging every character drawn here i'm too tired xD #but shark solia (sholia) and bunny blue (bluebun) are now their fursonas/j #no like seriously i had a lot of fun catching up with you guys and finally drawing with a pen after so long ejfzjgez :'D #man it feels like i forgot how easy lineart feels like when i'm not torturing myself struggling with harsh shaky strokes xD #i really wish i could get more time to draw stuff for you guys!! school is just killing me rn :') </3 #hope you're all having a super fantastic day<333

[creepy-scrawl]

Not even having a barely low wage, and not having social live hurts me as much as the way my boss treats me as stupid over and over again. And it fucking hurts even more that my boss is my dad...

#i truly wish i could scape... i wish i could just say im going for milk and never come back... #i know all jobs are degrading i know in my country i am making somewhat of a not that bad wage but tje fact that #my work is my home and my home is my home and my boss is a jerk is really killing me.. he takes and takes and takes #and im just trapped here and i see ppl that were my friends just go bc of vourse they would #they have grown and im still the same... trapped in this contortionist act to please my parents and giving my all to be barely afloat #i wish i could just die... i am so tired of everything #i just dont see myself out of this.. i cant see myself just leaving and living a live #yall r right for being outraged by my living circumstances... i do feel like a slave and im barely living... i barely have anything #i dont even have a personality #wouod it be so bad if i just ceased to exist?

[loserbigsis]

Maybe someday I'll not hate my body enough to go outside, but today is not that day 🙃

#lamentations of chava #rant #feeling the crippling weight of dysphoria once again girlies #really tired of wanting to die every day because it's less painful than the idea of wasting away bit by bit slowly 🙃 #because i can't let myself exist and be me and just live #not while looking like this #i wish i could just kill that part of my psyche instead #but sadly it's proven itself to be much more resilient than me..

[sangfielle]

moving out and kind of becoming a stoner has been fun honestly. its a lot better than being a severe alcoholic if nothing else

#mind im not *not* an alcoholic now but i no longer feel the need to almost kill myself with it every single night #progress! #and barring my need for alcohol and the fact that i Have to have a nicotine fix on weekdays #my drug use is moreso to feel good now than to survive. which is very nice and freeing. #i do still wish i had fucking oxy though. i am very upset about the lack of that in my life #but idk anyone who could sell me shit that i . trust. bc my only option is one of my roommates #who. like. drug tested positive for opiates and meth after having not done either of those. in a while #so i dont know that iwant to buy anything he has really #personal

[watch-out-it-bites]

I believe I deserve a sweet little treat [He has done nothing important for the past week]

#i am so fucked #don't let them see this! #i could always go to the kitchen - Above the fridge ;-) #siiigh to have things i enjoy. the worst. ever. #i really dont wanna be god im so fucked but im so tired. and i dont want to be yelled at but i dont want to do anything #i feel like just. lying down and not getting back up. nap time. oreverrrr #i really wish i could live carefree doing whatever #guh. is it even worth it to try? #im just going to end up all. eugh. #sure. it was great last year. but uhghfhfhg so quiet and so hard and so. bluh. #i really dont wanna wake up on monday #so stressful all the time #im either stressed but enjoying and spending time with friends or stressed and alone but people are proud of me #maybe we should cut off interests for a while - it could fix hims stuff. #i wish i could focus #i dont know why so hard recently #uhhhghĥhhhhhhh #i dont think i deserve to sleep but im so tired but i need to work on things #god i want to kill myself - you can't!! youve taken too many vows to die now

[scarletcomet]

there's really no help for feeling suicidal when you're not in immediate danger

#like i guess im just supposed to wait until i am in immediate danger?? #and even those resources are just to keep you safe. not make you not want to die #what the fuck am i supposed to do #being suicidal but not being in immediate danger really sucks #at least if i was like going to hurt myself in a life threatening way i could potentially die #but no im stuck here all because i dont want my parents to be sad #doesn't seem fair. i didn't ask to be born #i don't know what to do #how long can i feel this way and imagine all these scenarios until i do something about it? #i got really close a few nights while i was still at school #but every method has its downsides #i wish i could just not care about the effects my suicide would have on other people #i really just need to go for it #it's extremely selfish of me to say this but once i'm dead i won't care #i wish i could kill myself tonight #i wake up every morning and have to do another day. sometimes it's not so bad but i still just want to be dead #even while im laughing or snuggling with my bunny or with friends i still want to be dead #i want to kill myself #i think if i had a plan even if i was never going to go through with it i would feel better #like something to fall back onto. or just knowing it was possible #guess it's time to keep working on the pros and cons list of different suicide methods🤡 #someone please help me #people who deserve to live and want to live die all the time but i have to keep living. doesn't seem fair. #the world is a really fucked up place #sorry for not adding trigger warnings. went past 20 tags and im on mobile so i cant move them around #i dont think anyone reads these anyways.

[yther]

these urges are so fucking bizarre and foreign.

what animal has a brain screaming to annihilate itself so violently? I want to bash my head in, scar my legs and then cut open my stomach just to Get Away

#well- what animal does/doesn't do that while under continued torment? idk #tw suicide ig #but people belong in prison for what they did Hi Guys!! btw if ur lurkin on my merkin or w/e #there's no reason just to destroy my own life if I'm committed to this. I gotta do the paperwork abt GUNS also being threatened with gun #also the twitch peeps who .... Well. [reeeeeedacted] #thank god my blood relatives never cared I was alive. I won't need a funeral so I can do really fucked up DIYdies #spoon you can have money to give to your peeps but the new deal is I stab you in a place that isn't necessarily fatal before you kill me #jk Luka come over and get your linen shit back and we'll settle scores - bring a lawyer #end of life drama again #this year ooof #I wish I could shoot myself on a live stream

[running-in-the-dark]

a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)

#the reason I'm thinking about that right now: I wish I had never read that having a crease on your earlobe means you're more likely to have #heart disease. #scared me so much that I read a whole paper about it #but it's been years now so I don't remember the details #just that that's a thing apparently #and guess what my brain does with that information? oh yeah of course I have to obsessively look at the ears of everyone now! does that #do anything helpful? nope! just makes me very very anxious :) #it's just like when I was a kid and I got nightmares about scurvy every time I didn't eat a potato for a week. #like. wow I could be so smart and everything if my brain wasn't constantly focused on random bullshit that is completely irrelevant 😭 #also this thing specifically: I've always been weirdly fascinated by ears and this made that a million times worse and also very scary. #like ooh that's a nice ear :) oh no death exists and this person is going to die and #yeah it sucks. #specifically choosing not to mention any names in this context because my god this shit is on my mind all the time already I really don't #need to say it where anyone can see #it's embarrassing enough #though anyone who has looked at my blog in the past month already knows who I'm talking about. #like. I really shouldn't allow myself to like anyone over the age of like. idk 45. #it's so unbelievably exhausting. #but annnyway I'm totally normal and fine :) #oh yeah I also have creases on my earlobes lol so that definitely added to the scariness (and THEN my mother randomly mentioned recently #that EVERYONE on her side of the family had/has heart disease. bitch WHAT the fuck. anyway so yeah guess we know what's gonna kill me #haha isn't that fun :) ) #ALSO the fact that my memory is very very bad means that I remember absolutely none of the details about shit like this. so it could very #well be completely irrelevant and harmless but i wouldn't remember that part. #and I think even if I found out more it wouldn't help. it's been an obsession for so long. I've never had one go away that I've had for #this long. so. guess I'm just fucked. #personal

[ghwosty]

sometimes i miss how i engaged with my interests before i started being more online, there was a purity and authenticity to it

#it got destroyed unfortunately so I can't post pictures but when i was obsessed with the Jonas Brothers from age 11-14 #i had a scrap book in a composition book of pictures of them I'd cut out from magazines and I'd write stupid things #at no point was i influenced by people other than some irl friends who shared in and fueled my obsession #i didn't give a fuck about other people opinions or discourse #i just vibed by myself and did t care if people thought I was weird or a freak #which. a lot of people teased and picked on me for my weirdness.. and unfortunately it's tainted how i interact with interests now #I don't let people see or know what i like or am into. bc I remember the teasing and mocking #and part of me is like 'no kill that part that learned to cringe #bc even tho I literally do not gaf about the Jonas brothers nowadays #I can't deny how pure and authentic my passion was #I'm really sad that journal got ruined and i had to throw it away bc it was so cool actually #i wish I could tell my 13 y/o self how cool their 28 y/o self thinks they are #fuckin hurricanes.. ruin everything