#like.... i know what self control is

[emlos]

bro this eating disorder shit rly sucks

#screaming into the void here but #i WISH i wasnt so obsessed with my lack of self control and my resulting weight #but like. no joke #HOW o i stop myself from doing what i want #like.... i know what self control is #i know what mindfullness is #and i cry myself to sleep because im unable to NOT #anwyays i ate another 8000 calories today #i know whats healty or not and sicne i live a basically sedentary lifestyle... i couldve eaten something different #but nooo pizza and cheesesticks and keiserschmarrn it is!!! #i really wish i could kill myself #but im too scared of pain to do that #the only motivator for me is fear #fear ill fail feat itll hurt... but it has to be immediate #fear ill be unattractive... its 1. not true and 2. delayed. not real #i dont know what to do #vent #tw ed #tw eating disorder #dunno which one tbh #fucking ednos because i cant do anything typically #some days ill eat 400kcal #some days 10000 #i cant stop myself when i think of food it 'triggers' me and i cant stop thinking about until the dark cloud is so dark it rains #also alcoholism but thats like... coping. with reality even though i dont have it that bad #literally a waste of fucking space i genuinely should kill myself there are real problems out there and im what #fucking crying cause im chubby #fucking grow up #finger on the eject button etc etc etc

[wilsonsmcgillsweatshirt]

I will never recover from the knowledge that thymoma generally has a very high survival rate, and in most cases that it becomes fatal, the patient has unknowingly lived with the cancer for years. There's a chance that Wilson was sick for half the series and didn't even know it.

#I'm just imagining House looking back at the last few years in horror thinking about the possibility that Wilson had been sick all along #I can see it leading to him feeling like all of their memories are tainted #House definitely blames himself as well even though it was never in his control #I can't imagine how much his already extreme self-hatred was amplified #And he probably looked back at all the mistakes he made and all the fights they had and realizing that - #- while they were having all these fights that now seem so trivial that Wilson was probably sick #They wasted all that time unknowingly with Wilsons cancer slowly progressing as they argued and fought #It makes me want to cry #I'm not a doctor and I know this obviously isn't always the case but from what research I've done this seems the be the standard mostly #house md #house #greg house #james wilson #gregory house #hilson #wilson #housemd #favs #favourites

[cherriivaniila]

its my birthday today so here is a quick soriku

#soriku #kingdom hearts #khfa #kh #i want riku to be that kind of person that has to fight the urge not to completely squish what he finds cute. #you know the one that puts his hand on a cats face or wants to put it in his mouth but hes just staring at it like -_- #with all the self control of the world #lattes'art

[midnight-mismanagement]

I think it would be funny if in season 2 it becomes a running gag of Vox sending spies to the hotel who just end up captured into the net of found family and friendship and become part of the clientele and Vox doesn’t get why he keeps losing contact with them (and assumes Alastor probably killed them) until one day Charlie comes to personally thank him for bringing her so many souls for rehabilitation and for believing in her cause and Vox just. Doesn’t know what is happening. And short circuits.

#I love how the vees are like #so bad at being antagonists that they loop around to actually helping the plot #then charlie offers vox a spot at the hotel if he ever feels he needs #and it takes all of his self-control not to laugh in her face #but #this is an opening #maybe he can see for himself what alastor is up to #(and then my self-indulgent unrealistic brain goes to and then he also gets sucked into the clientele without realizing) #he would die without access to his gamer room of screens tho #and alastor keeps trying to ban his technology from the hotel #but vox just sends charlie one of his pathetic expressions #‘but it reminds me of home’ #and charlie folds immediately #allows him some installation of his screens in his own room #yeah I know this is unrealistic but shh #hazbin hotel #hazbin vox

[mayxo-hxh]

I personally think that Kikyo would absolutely be thrilled that Illumi found himself a man he wants to marry as strong, handsome and fit to be Zoldyck as Hisoka.

Hisoka is strong enough to be considered an equal to a zoldyck, which means strength is no problem for him. And I don't know about you but the way he assassinated that terradin man that was threatening to reveal illumis identity at the end of the election arc? CHEFS. KISS. THATS A WHOLE ZOLDYCK WIFE RIGHT THERE. And Hisoka is a certain type of fucked up enough to be a Zoldyck, even if he is... mmm.. self aware. Even if he himself thinks zoldycks are a special kind of fucked up. He'd fit.

I always see people make silva and kikyo disagree with illumi marrying hisoka but i soooo heavily disagree. Like what is there NOT to be proud of in Illumi's marriage choice. There is not a single other character IN THE ENTIRE ANIME fit to be Zoldyck than Hisoka Morow and I will fight people on that.

Something a lot of people also don't realize is that the Zoldycks are not a family that discriminates in the slightest (this is a whole discussion on its own but examples are how Kikyo is from meteor city, the butlers are taken from anywhere as long as they have the skill to work and one of the people who attacked kukuroo mountain to hunt the zoldycks now works for them instead. The zoldycks didnt hesitate to hire that mf they fr dont gaf lmfao)

there are soooooooo many misconceptions about the zoldycks in general and i think thats what aids the whole "the zoldycks would HATE hisoka" thing but like. nah. they wouldnt.

I also think about how Kikyo found Silva at such a young age. I bet she was constantly nagging Illumi and asking when he'd get a partner himself. Now he's got it, Millukiiii ITS YOOOURRR TURRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

#some people would say “oh theyll hate him when they meet him!” but why though. #“the way he dresses!” ?? so what. have u seen the way the zoldycks dress lmfao. their son is literally twinning with that magician #“he'll make it weird” Ya Allah no he fucking wont 💀 people base this off a very fanon characterization of hisoka. #Like no he wont moan out of nowhere because theyre a powerful family he already knows that buddy. #hes kept it in multiple times before in a muted reaction please stop making it seem like hes a man with no self control i beg lmfao #Surprise surprise Hisoka acts weird on purpose when he puts on a show because thats how he wants to be percieved #but hes very self aware and knows whats considered weird and disrepectful and certainly wont fuck it all up for him and illumi for 0 reason #me when i finally get to marry the love of my life and i fuck it up because i decide itd be quirky and the fans want me to #hisoka is a much more calmer and quiet person when hes not purposely being weird and thats what people dont want to accept #anyways rant over #whewwww thats a rant and a half lmfao #I wish hisoka as a character was given more analysis and study than the 3 scenes that make him popular #anyways. rant TRULY over. here are the normal tags #hisoillu #hisoka x illumi #illumi #illumi zoldyck #hisoka #hisoka morow #hisoka zoldyck #hunter x hunter #hxh #my post #i feel like if i mentioned how hisoka has adhd on here id get thrown pitchforks at. #let alone the fact that hes very asexual coded #i dont really feel safe on this website at all to discuss any of this yet lmao #people literally laugh when you say hes shy when its literally??? a canon fact stated by hisoka himself?? and backed up by many scenes???? #but i dont think i ever will feel safe here tbh. i just have to. do it. and fuck it whatever happens or whoever laughs at me. #just like ive done on twitter for years until ive finally created a complete safe space for myself #secret rant at the end because maybe nobody will look here

[cyanbeetle]

I’ve tried like 500 times to articulate my thoughts about nonwhite superman and how much that adds to his childhood of loneliness and every time I hit a stumbling block because the topic makes me too insane to think but please hold my hand and imagine this little boy trying to grow up in rural Kansas and being the only person he’s ever known who looks like he does. This little boy who never has a proper answer when people ask where he’s really from, and even once he knows the truth of himself he can never safely share it. Please imagine him fighting every single day to belong and never being able to no matter how hard he tries because people will always find something questionable in the very way he looks. A lot of the superman mythos is dependant on Clark’s ability to assimilate but when you take that away what is left?? He’s just a kid fighting so hard for a belonging he’ll never have a hope in hell of being handed. Oh it hurts my heart

#dc #supermanposting #sorry I genuinely ache about it #I know visibly brown Superman is a relatively common headcanon in dc fandom spaces so it gets me thinking abou #how that would change his story #especially in the comics where he isn’t told he’s adopted until the Kents need to explain to him what these power manifestations are… #this is also what my superman comic was about btw #I have so many ideas in my head about how his relationship to himself would change after moving to metropolis #and becoming superman #AND EVEN HOW THE PERCEPTION OF SUPERMAN WOULD CHANGE!! #Clark not being white adds an entire new layer to his need to remain nonthreatening enough for people to actually tolerate him #as well as the scapegoating he experiences when he’s declared foreign or out of control or threatening #and I think Clark’s ability to eventually relate to all the nonwhite and immigrant communities of metropolis would be what saves him #and saves his self esteem #there are so many beautiful people in the world just like you!! #if I had my way superman would be way more defined by his connection to marginalized communities #anyways sorry I have genuine pages of thoughts about nonwhite superman #please ask me about nonwhite Superman I love nonwhite superman #sorry I hope this all makes sense it’s very late at night

[nyatbinary-81]

@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.

#my art #this is how I think theyd present themselves either in person or in headspace. the slouchers <3 #sifs outfit is simple; the boots i always give them (but with star laces for funsies); loose sweater; simple pants #the pants are Meant to be jeans but isat doesnt Specifically Have Jeans so. theyre just Pants. #the sweater is slightly looser bc sif doesnt seem like a Form Fitting Clothes kinda guy to me but hes Trying to be more open #on particularly good days theyll roll the sleeves up or wear a sleeveless one methinks #even if everyone Knows abt the self-harm scars its hard to Look at them. #i also associate them being more open with them not wearing an eyepatch. esp bc hes the only one of the three to go without it #for mal (or 'ami' as i like to call it) i wanted smth reminiscent of a mourning outfit bc mal du pays means homesickness #and i picked 'ami' as a nickname bc ami means friend :] at least according to my basic translator. i dont speak french <3 #ami's outfit being dark is also reminiscent of the inversion thing its got going on in canon. #ik the veil is starred in the original but i think ami would want the fewest reminders of home. on account of The Issues #(actually if i can come back to sifs laces sif also has issues with reminders of it bc of the memory loss but the shoelaces are His Choice— #—which gives them a form of control over it and they can keep it subtle or undo it if he wants. which makes it easier) #anyway. i put amis hair in an updo and smoothed the hat bc i think ami wants to be Unremarkable. Unknown. so it keeps its silhouette Simple #(it still keeps the pins. theres smth comforting abt them. they shine like stars and theyre not stars and theyre not Home. but theyre You.) #and i kept the long hair i gave loop. dont ask me why its so long when the canon hair is short. maybe their hair kept growing over the loop #OH and i drew ami in a side profile bc Silhouette and also bc i think itd make an effort to keep people away from its blind spot #andddd i think thats about it? plus i actually managed to keep this one within a reasonable timeframe. #if their hair changes lengths/the proportions change between drawings. no they dont 💛 peace and love and body craft #OH AND YOU FINALLY GET TO SEE WHAT I MEAN ABT SIFS BOOTS BC THESE ARE THE BOOTS I GAVE THEM ON MY REGULAR DESIGN ARENT THEY NEAT #i did actually try to give sif a different font but nothing Works for them like the pixel font. i cant explain it. #i think 'ami' would be a nickname that mira gives it. bc. shes Fantasy French. and its a sort of 'youre more than your yearning/loss' thing #me every time i think abt sifstem: yeah they just rotate in my head. nothing major #me every time i talk abt sifstem: oh hey im almost at tag limit again #au Good what can i say

[odessastone]

My favorite part of writing Lifeweaver is playing up his usual silly goofy funney guy act, then throwing in a “his family hasn’t talked to him in 10 years” or “every day he grapples with the knowledge that he could be killed at any moment and his creation used to usher in an ecological dystopia the likes of which we’ve never seen before”

#overwatch #lifeweaver #honestly what I love about him (of many things) is his moral greyness and his hubris #cause like. sure he wants to heal the world and all that #but he also knows full well what hells could be unleashed by a corporation getting hold of his ‘self-propagating biomass’ #but he creates it anyway. because he can #and lbr you know there is zero chance that biolight will not eventually fall into wicked hands if Niran ‘gives it to the world’ #once it’s out there he won’t be able to control who has it or what they do with it #so yeah. he knew all that entailed but he still wanted to play savior anyway #maybe to prove that he’s worth something - that his life is more than just a series of failures

[angelsdean]

seeing a post abt how sam's early seasons anger is justified given the circumstances of his life + childhood trauma, and the post itself was fine, but then there's tags / reactions where people (samgirls / deancrits) will apply such a double standard when it comes to dean expressing any form of anger. sam's anger is good and righteous and makes sense given the circumstance, but then they'll look at dean who has also experienced a traumatic childhood + the trauma of parentification + all the trauma from being trapped in a literal horror show + hell trauma / michael possession trauma and think, "oh dean angry? dean yelling and not reacting properly to his compounding trauma? abuser! villain! controlling! bad guy!" like, everything they say to justify sam's anger and reactions to trauma also applies to dean. and why is it always a competition with samgirls / deancrits? sam does not have the monopoly on trauma / autonomy issues!! and if you think so you're really missing the point of this show. it's the trauma and autonomy issues show! it's the fighting for free will show! it's the, people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst show! they all (dean, cas, sam, jack, etc) grapple with these issues and experience similar traumas. this isn't the trauma olympics show.

#the double standards with zero self-awareness is wild. like. they Really think dean had some kind of authority over sam huh? #they really think dean is some kind of controlling villain AS IF stubborn sammy would Ever do anything he didn't want to do #it's insulting to sam honestly. why do his fans want him to be the most pathetic baby of a character. fanon sam i don't know her #dean often expresses Opinions and Says what he Thinks they should do. sam very often Does Not do those things. #so like. is dean not allowed to express a single thought? is he such a big controlling meanie for disagreeing with sam? #for thinking he knows better? (which he often Does bc sam is very prone to acting impulsively damn the consequence) #anyways. stop acting like it's brother vs brother challenge 2k23. like what are you chuck? #vic.txt

[jasontoddenthusiastt]

Imo Jason is “irredeemable” by default because I don’t see what he needs redemption from.

#I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but joining this fandom made me fucking hate the word ‘redemption’ #no person I’ve seen who is in love with the concept knows the who what where when why or how it should work in a story #apparently it isn’t just themes and tropes anymore people don’t understand the proper use of the word ‘villain’ #kelseethe #also hilarious: Jason should recieve sensitivity training HR style from Bruce ‘I’m the government and children are my cronies’ wayne #if Jasons headstrong/‘answers to no one’ attitude towards vigilantism is what makes people think he's villainous #I hate to be a broken record but the baddie you’re describing is Bruce #nobody thinks he’s a villain for only trusting in his own methods/self and repeatedly isolating himself #and on top of that gaslighting and hurting people around him in attempts to do what HE **thinks** is the right thing #you people always thought *him* heroic not problematic for all these traits #the only difference is Jason isn’t psychologically abusive & controlling #yet he’s still the bad guy just cause he liberally kills folks in the crime business. #l'd argue goth ham war is the b*tman story to remind you of everything that makes Bruce authentically himself #Idk how to tell you that Bruce mentally compromising/crippling his son in a twisted attempt to ‘save him from himself’ #is perfectly in line with slitting the same son’s throat because he couldn’t stand to see him avenge his own killer #and yk what a redemption arc could be interesting for someone like Bruce #because he rarely questions or doubts his choices esp wrt Jason. no matter how morally dubious they may be #I think it would be quite fun to witness his extremely restricted worldview be challenged/shattered he deserves that humbling experience

[blueskittlesart]

also to everyone contacting me about the tiktok--I have seen it, the reposter did not contact me before posting on tiktok but has since contacted me on instagram and they obeyed my repost credit policy so i'm tentatively ok with it!

#im so conflicted about reposts lmao bc on the one hand i have like concrete proof espc with this tiktok that it draws more people towards me #bc several people have specifically told me they found me via that tiktok. which is cool obv i love getting more engagement #but on the other hand it does remove a certain level of my autonomy over my work yknow #like when i post on my self-run social media i have the ultimate control over my audience--who sees it who comments what is being said etc #and when it's reposted even with credit it removes some of that control. which is like. not HORRIBLY bad in the context of fanart #but i know also that i am a person with polarizing opinions and given how much of ME is tied up in my art i am sort of conflicted about #allowing people to remove me from my own content. yknow #like from personal experience whenever i get a popular credited repost on instagram i do get a ton of new followers #but i also usually get a huge surge of transphobic comments. so. yknow. 2 sides of the coin ig #anyway as for this specific repost they didn't violate my policy and i'm not going to change my policy just yet so were good #thank u all for pointing it out to me tho! #personal

[theapocalypseiscancelled]

how am I supposed to read dracula this way I am on the edge of my seat I can't stop thinking about this story I can't wait to see what happens next

#how am I supposed to relax knowing my new friend jonathan harker is in peril?? #dracula daily #I haven't seen any adaptations or anything so I literally do not know what happens next #How long does this book go for?? #This is like waiting for a fanfiction to update #Except you need self control

[ghostpajamas]

thinking so seriously about the hs sona, im afraid

#land of clovers and mines ... clovers for luck thang and i like them ^_^ and red/green duality. and clover flowers/mines . and aquatic #i want to make him a robot so bad. i will do any mental gymnastics to make him a robot. #oh i want him to be so weird. about surveillance and the 4th wall and luck and Knowing. okay ? a character is not a person. a dead characte #doesnt need an audience. and what becomes of an audience watched ? to turn the camera away from the stage- #and then turn it back- to find that the show has already begun? what happens when a character becomes the audience to the viewer #and what happens when the show is put on for them ? this is how im interpreting the control a witch of light might have over their aspect #ghostart #homestuck #self

[druidonity2]

2021 Shadowlands fanart.

#world of warcraft #anduin wrynn #Garrosh follows this with something like 'yeah your not but maybe i am' so i sorta take the quote out of context but #I remember Anduin being very upset about the mere idea hes compaired to Arthas #Its always seemed to me that his similarities with arthas are something that lowkey bothers him because so many only see that in him #Of course people hurt by Arthas will be a bit weary of a human boy with blonde hair who claims to champion the light and justice #Especially one who is a prince of an important human kingdom #So its something hes self-conscious of and is keen to prove people he's not destine to fail #Which is why #even if he didn't become another Arthas entirely #what happens in SLs is so much more traumatic to him #He hurt people he cared about #he hurt innocent souls #((and his situation of mind control is more akin to sylvanas' then arthas but does he see that that way? Or do his fears blind his view?)) #And blizz didnt go into detail what this meant but Arthas was used against him literally #My headcanon is that Anduin knew and could feel it and hear arthas in the sword #but in the cinematic anduin is surprised by arthas' soul appearing so canon says anduin didnt know #He dissappers because he is unsure if the bad feelings he felt orignated from him or zovaal or arthas so #prehaps he is afraid that everyone was right to be weary of him #Maybe he didnt end up as arthas at the end of shadowlands but that doesnt mean he can't still go down a dark path #he is afraid he is more capable of becoming an unjust and cruel leader then he thought he could #His people have every right to be upset that he abandoned them #but they dont know that he left because he was afraid he could hurt them and feel joy from it

[oatbugs]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months #to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them #in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago. #(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought #i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are #and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it #its worth missing i think #i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over #(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year) #(hed come across the bridge on a lake) #we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared. #it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think #i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much. #and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat #they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand #how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much #i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around #something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode #arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully #last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing #and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets #and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably #have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused #blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like #i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much #my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to #music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads #i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says #what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine. #she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.

[alexiethymia]

[book spoilers]

Lockwood’s idea of a grand gesture is to be more of a fool than usual, more death-defying than usual, to make sure that Lockwood & Co. was always on front page news because if Lucy was the best then Lockwood & Co. could be nothing less than THE best agency to deserve her, to get her to return. And no, he doesn’t stop there. He may not have asked you to return on bended knee like you wanted Lucy, but like any proper gentleman caller he couldn’t come to your door empty-handed. He brings THE case, that one case that Lucy could never refuse coming from Fittes herself. I bet he spent all those four months searching for that one case. Because see the plan was always for her to return and Lockwood has always been an end-justifies-the-means kind of guy. And the way he gets her on board speaks a lot about his own character and how well he knows Lucy.

Lockwood has always been slightly manipulative and he uses the full force of that skill during that reunion with Lucy. Every move was calculated. From his suit he wears like armor, each one carefully chosen. An old coat that reminds them of a case they worked on together, an immaculate new suit (Really? Just to hire her again?), and to top it all of, a tie which Lucy specifically gave him. He catches her off guard, he doesn’t give her time to get her bearings. He knows asking her outright to return wouldn’t work. Even if he did beg, that already failed when he ended up so angry that he left Lucy behind in that cafe (the fact that Lockwood who prides himself on being a gentleman could leave a girl, and Lucy of all people, shows that his emotions were completely haywire that day). In other words, Lucy’s stubbornness proved stronger than his own. So he had to change tactics. He had to make sure that her returning would be all her idea, that she would return all on her own.

Because see, he didn’t need a case to see her. He could have visited at any time after they didn’t have closure when Lucy snuck away in the dawn to leave. He could have normalized ties between them and remained friends even as Lucy was now a freelance agent. But he didn’t. He made sure they didn’t have closure. He didn’t even acknowledge her leaving because to do otherwise would make it final. On Lucy’s end I think she wouldn’t have minded if they could be friends and talk casually together again. She wanted it. But that’s not what Lockwood wanted. He wouldn’t have been satisfied unless Lucy was back home with them. Like a jilted lover, he needed a grand gesture to draw her back in.

So he does everything. He lies. “I wouldn’t ask you again to return.” “It’s just a one-off.” “One night, two max.” But and even though Lucy couldn’t fully see through him, what they really meant, she did pick up on signs of him fraying and unraveling. The uncertain smile that was simultaneously just for her and was shades paler than his usual gigawatt smile, the slight bitterness that she was willing to work with other agencies but not his, that studied nonchalance as if he wasn’t keeping track of her progress and whereabouts the same way Lucy tried not to follow news of Lockwood and Co., the deflection, deflection, deflection.

He doesn’t answer properly regarding Holly because he still thinks she might have had something to do with Lucy leaving.

“George didn’t like it.” This is his mixing up of I and we tendency again but way worse. For him to use George to say that she was missed was egregious because couldn’t he just say that he missed her? Or even we missed you, we didn’t like it [the idea of replacing you]. It wouldn’t be so strange. He is as much her friend as George. Unless her leaving cut him more deeply. And we know he represses that sh*t. So he doesn’t even include himself in the equation anymore maybe because he thought it would make Lucy uncomfortable because not even him losing control of his emotions, being exposed and raw could get her to stay. Or at least that’s what he tells himself when in reality he’s fortified his barriers once again. He made himself open for Lucy, all the anger he’d kept tightly locked inside, and still - she left. So he can’t even talk to Lucy anymore without using someone or something as a conduit, projecting himself because he can’t expose himself to that sort of vulnerability again until he accomplishes his goal. So yeah there’s plenty of bitterness on his part, but what trumps that, always trumps it and his pride (because I’m sure part of him expected that Lucy would come back earlier on her own so he was just waiting and when that didn’t happen because see in a contest of wills Lucy’s would always trump his own, he’s weak when it comes to her, he’s the one who comes to her instead) - is that base desire for her to just come back.

#lockwood and co #locklyle #lockwood & co #anthony lockwood #lucy carlyle #see this is why I like manipulative characters #but ouch the angst #he was desperate by that point #you can’t tell me he didn’t have a plan a to z #everything is muted from lucy’s perspective because she always downplays everything lockwood does to or in relation to her #except at least she picked up his tendency to be self-sacrificial for her #but of course she turns it around and assumes it’s entirely her fault because she can’t control her emotions #when you know lucy it could be that it’s lockwood who can’t control his emotions #when it comes to you #see this is why I will not survive if there isn’t a second #(and hopefully third and fourth best case scenario four seasons) #because I desperately need to see that cafe conversation from outside lucy’s pov #because if that’s the way she described it #then lockwood must have been livid and entirely heartbroken #which doubles the angst when you consider what they went through this first season #and while he may have been aware of his feelings for lucy this first season #I think he took the stupid stupid route of thinking he wasn’t good enough for her #which is why he sort of stays away during the events of the hollow boy as to not burden her with his feelings #which unfortunately also contributed to lucy feeling that perhaps she did have to leave #when that was the last thing he wanted he never meant or even wanted for her to go #there is so much angst in the hollow boy and the creeping shadown #they already tripled the angst with the first season #if we get the second season focusing on these two books with perhaps a mid season finale at the point where lucy leaves the agency #I will not survive the angst #but I still need it