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itsmarsss · 24 days

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Scandalous (Blitzø x Fem!Succubus!Reader x Stolas) [Helluva Boss] pt. 1 - The Prince

How the mighty do fall.

(Getting into a weird three-way situation with an imp and a succubus isn’t exactly considered classy, Stolas.)

pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4

Word count: 1,520

Warnings: I mean. depression. arranged marriage. this part doesn’t contain actual sex only mentions of it but others might idk, me taking myself way too seriously writing this, this has no dialogue but don’t give up on me im actually a pretty dialogue heavy person but this only works if this chapter has no dialogue

If you ever asked Stolas, he’d say he was never one to cause a scene.

If you asked anyone else, they’d say he’s lying.

Stolas had always been fond of a little drama and drawn to a bit of flair, akin to exaggeration and grandeur like no other. Be it in the way he speaks, acts or reacts to hell around him, be it how he expresses his emotions or his thoughts and even his feelings towards others.

Emotions, thoughts, feelings. Stolas was always full of those, ever since he was an ugly, pink, featherless little project of a bird. They have been all-consuming ever since he can remember. And he remembers.

Stolas can recall the confusion in his father’s voice whenever he cried as a kid, as if the action was strange and foreign, unfit for a demon like him.

And perhaps it was.

Stolas remembered many things, and yet he could not recall a single time he had seen his father cry- or show any sort of weakness, for the matter. Paimon was always stern and centered, and Stolas is sure the only thing close to weakness he’s ever expressed was his inability to be more than his status- to be an actual father. He doubted his father would consider that a weakness. What was fatherhood next to being royal, anyways, right?

It was disconcerting to grow up certain that, between his father and all of his brothers, he was, without a doubt, the weakest. After all, how could he not be? He was scared, of a many things, most of the time. He felt things too deeply in his heart and he worried too much and too often about too many things. He was aware of all of that.

But, as he grew up, Stolas decided he was fine with it, if he meant he got to genuinely feel things. Because Octavia had come to exist, and he could never in his heart find the willpower to act as cold to her as his own father did to him.

Yes, he decided he was fine with being weak, if that’s what being able to love unconditionally took. He was fine with being weak, if that’s what being loved took.

He may not have loved his father, or even liked him, for the matter. But he promised to himself he’d do anything it took for Octavia to love him.

And how it filled him with pure and utter joy to feel loved for the first time in his life.

He may not have loved Stella, either, but their union had brought him his daughter, and nothing in the entirety of the universe mattered more to him than her. And so he was grateful for their arrangement, after all, despite the bitterness of it all.

With Octavia’s teenage years came the flood, though. Stolas cried himself to sleep almost every single night for years to come as he was reminded of the fact that being grateful for what his marriage brought him was not enough to make him happy to be in the situation in which he found himself, unable to exist as he was inside of his own home without fearing the judgement of a wife who loved him just as much as he loved her - not even a tiny little bit- and unable to shield his daughter from the unhappy family he’d once feared she would have to endure.

Stella was never someone Stolas particularly liked. In fact, he quite disliked her, from the moment he laid eyes on her as his father told him they were betrothed to one another, at much too young of an age.

At first, it surely was purely the hatred for the fact that his fate was tied to her and there was nothing he could do to escape, and the sense of impending doom that came with every year that passed as he knew he grew closer to approaching the day there would be turning back, and watched the time pass as an expectator of his own life, as there was nothing he could really do but comply.

Royal life had its renounces.

When the day came for their marriage to be sealed, the moment finally materializing itself as real instead of bad news he’d try to push away and avoid dwelling into for too long, Stolas promised himself he’d try to get over those feelings and make an effort to know her better. If they would be tied to one another from this moment on, he could at least try to make it all not so miserable.

It was a task set to fail.

When Octavia was conceived, Stolas felt nothing but relief. After all, this entire situation was based purely on business, all-dependent on the birth of an heir. Which meant, in some way, they were a bit more free than before. However much that can be in the situation they found themselves in.

Relief came first, dread came second. At only 19 years old, what did Stolas know of parenting anyway? Logically, he knew this would be happening. Logically, he’d known that for almost a full decade. Logically, that should have been enough for him to be prepared.

But he felt anything but prepared. How was he, who felt lost at all times, who cried at the slightest things, who didn’t ask for all of this, supposed to be a father? What twisted parameters did he have, considering his own?

He only hoped time would ease those feelings.

Throughout the years, he learned those feelings never do leave you, and that parenthood is forever a state of worry. You never truly feel ready- there’s just not much more that you can do than try your best.

To be loved by Octavia was enough. Or… at least it should be, shouldn’t it? Was it selfish, or perhaps even inconsiderate, unfair to her that at times he found himself longing to be loved by someone who’s existence wasn’t bound to him? Wishing to know if someone would ever care not because they were betrothed to him and not because they were his own blood, but simply because they liked who he was? Enjoyed his company? Felt genuine attraction towards him?

When thoughts of the sorts consumed him it was to not punish himself mentally for thinking such frivolous things, for having such superficial wishes. But it wasn’t hard to figure out where it all stemmed from. After all, when the only partner you ever have ever had in your entire life hadn’t any say in choosing you, it’s only natural to wonder what it would be like to be with someone who did choose him.

When you’ve had no say in choosing the only partner you’ve ever had in your life, in turn, it’s only ever natural, too, to wonder what it would be like with someone you would have chosen to be with. Someone who excited you, who made you feel things. Stolas didn’t even know what exactly those things were supposed to be, but longed to feel them nonetheless.

The day Blitzo, someone he hadn’t heard of in decades, was caught trying to sneak into his palace, during the most depressing party ever thrown in all seven reals, Stolas felt excitement for the first time in a long while. It’s almost like his brain had a reaction before he even processed it. Like it was stuck repeating the same thing over and over and over: Friend. Friend. Friend.

Sure, Blitzo wasn’t his friend. They hadn’t been friends for, once again, literal decades. In fact, they had only ever been friends for about a day.

But Blitzo was his first ever friend. And you don’t just forget that. He never would, at least.

And that night they spent together, something in Stolas changed. That night, he felt wanted. For the first time in his life, he felt desired. For the first time in his life, sex wasn’t just business. It wasn’t just an obligation or a means to an end. For the first time in his life, sex was fun.

He knew it was supposed to be fun. He knew it was fun for most people. He had just stopped hoping it would ever be fun for him.

And, sure, he also knew what they did was wrong. But he couldn’t get himself to care as much as he probably should have, because, truth be told, Stella could pretend to have been hurt by it however much she wanted, but they both knew she never really was.

“That was the sound of a fucking divorce!”

A couple hours later, sitting on his bed in shock, he could still barely believe he had really just done what he did- what they should have done so long ago- and Stolas just started laughing to himself. The more he laughed, the harder it was to stop. He knew he just had to look like a maniac like that, but couldn’t possibly get himself to care, because, for only a split second did the thought of not being supposed to let his servants see him in that state pass through his mind, but it only made him laugh harder.

He’d just announced his divorce to the wife he’d been set to marry since birth, can’t be much more scandalous than that.

A/N: would you believe me if i said this started as an idea for what was supposed to be only a funny silly little oneshot with dick jokes and public embarrassment?

Requests for Blitzø and Blitzø x Stolas are open! I’m also SO hyperfixated on this show rn so if y’all wanna chat abt hcs or this series be my guest I’d be happy to talk and i don’t bite unless asked nicely luv y’all <3

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uzumaki-rebellion · 5 months

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"King Killmonger: The Golden Jaguar" Chapter 4

Need to catch up? Masterlist HERE.

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"Fall in your ways so you can crumble

Fall in your ways so you can sleep at night

Fall in your ways so you can wake up and rise"

Solange—"Rise"

N'Jadaka stood close to Yani. She had backed herself against the library reading table that faced a window and he stayed rooted in front of her. The shimmer of tears in her eyes compelled him to cradle her cheek with comforting reassurance. His ire was not with her at all. She accepted his touch and her face became smooth like untroubled water. Her kimoyo beads displayed the blank avatar. They both watched Lady Ime's Image appear.

Peach pit hard brown eyes encased inside a charming oval face peered back at them.

"King N'Jadaka…"

Ime pried her eyes off of Yani's dour expression and lowered her head at him.

"Why were you trying to contact my fiancé so late?" he said with cold vigor.

"Forgive me Your Highness. I have been unable to reach Princess Yani through her team, so I asked a favor—"

"From whom?"

His tone rendered Ime speechless. She didn't lift her eyes to meet his at all. Her evasiveness oozed through the transmission.

"Was it your fiancé, Ramatla?" he asked.

Ime raised her head and tried to look pleasant. Her voice stayed steady.

"Yes. I took a chance at reaching out before tomorrow. I apologize for doing so at an inopportune time. I see that I have upset you and the princess."

"You have," he said.

"What did you need to speak with me about that couldn't wait until after the banquet?" Yani said.

She kept a clipped sound that brought out her accent any time she was annoyed with someone.

"My apologies to you, Princess Yani. I just wanted to know…I wanted to know what I have done to make you hate me…"

Ime burst into tears startling Yani and N'Jadaka.

"I have tried to be your friend…I know I am not as outgoing as Lady Zola and Lady Ilana, some may even think me cold because it takes me a long time to get comfortable with people, but I have always shown you respect and supported all your endeavors outside of Wakanda. When Ramatla gave me your gift I was devastated and so filled with sadness. What can I do to change your negative perception of us?"

Ime wept and wiped at her eyes. Clutched in her hand was the jewelry box Remy had brought to N'Jadaka's office. The waterworks continued and Yani sucked her teeth and glanced at him. He folded his arms and gave the crying woman no words of absolution. Yani struggled to find an appropriate response and he saved her from having to speak.

"We have a busy day starting early this morning. It is after midnight and we'd like to get some sleep. Do not call Queen Yani this way ever again. Use the proper channels in the future and wait for her to contact you as she chooses on her time. I will not speak to Ramatla about this because it's better to have it forgotten. Are we clear?" he said.

"Yes, King N'Jadaka."

Yani lifted her wrist higher.

"We will take the earrings back tomorrow since my taste and my jeweler's work upsets you," Yani said.

Ime's eyes switched between Yani's and his quickly and she tucked the jewelry box against her chest and shook her head.

"No, no, I will keep them. This was a mistaken assumption on my end. I see now that I jumped to conclusions. You gave this to us with thoughtful consideration…your personal jeweler…that is an honor Princess Yani."

"Goodnight, Lady Ime," he said.

She winked out first before Yani said another word to her.

"Did you see how that woman acted?" Yani huffed. "The fake crying? That was all for you. Had I been by myself her true colors would've spilled out of these beads."

"She did lay it on thick—"

"Thick like my ass," Yani snorted.

He nuzzled his chin on top of her head.

"Kinda wished it was Remy though," he said.

"You say you'll let it go…but I know you. Will you tense up every time my kimoyo beads vibrate or light up with a strange signature? I would never do anything to break the trust we've built. He loves me, there's nothing I can do about that. Will you really be okay working with him and not thinking he's plotting to sabotage us? Or what about events where we have to interact with all the nobles? I don't want to be responsible for your potential outbursts or feeling like I have to worry over every little thing that happens outside of my control."

"I trust you. I don't trust them."

She touched his chest with both hands and rubbed his pecs through his overshirt.

"If that's true, then you need to let me tell you things when I'm ready to tell them or if I think it matters to speak on it."

"I'll try, but sometimes it's hard. You know I can read energy and body language. If I feel and see you acting nervous or anxious I'm gonna think the worst."

"Then I will work on not overthinking things when they happen or agonize about you reading too much into stuff. I'm yours. No one else's."

"You mine?" he said

She held his face still and kissed him. Her soft warm tongue steadied him as it always did. His nature was to be territorial over his women, and Yani was his most prized gift from life itself. No matter how strong, powerful, cunning, confident, or persuasive he could be in any given situation, she had a way of untethering his moorings if she were under stress or afraid of him. He never wanted her to be afraid of saying anything to him no matter how unpleasant.

"I put too much pressure on you with my issues. I'll do better and follow your lead," he said.

"Thank you."

He smiled. She grinned back at him.

"You spoil me and I go nuts," he said.

"You spoiled me first, so I can only reciprocate in kind."

"You are just like Aunt Leona."

"She raised me well."

She housed her lower lip between her teeth and stopped rubbing his chest with the tips of her fingers.

"The closer we get to marrying each other, the more I feel like an ungrateful daughter," she said.

"Why do you say that?"

She lifted a leg and rested half of her rump on the desk. Tugging on her thin-chained necklace, Yani sighed.

"My parents are gone. I should feel sad about them missing this day, but to tell the truth…I'm relieved that they won't get to see me walk down the aisle. I had a dream about them the other day. Just some old memories of ducking from them when my mother was vex and lashed out at me. My father never stood up for me and I lived most of my life dreading their presence. Now…on the eve of my wedding…I don't feel any sadness about them never seeing our special day. Is that a horrible thing to think? They don't get to have this and I'm glad."

"Your relationship was not good. You're grown now. It's fine to feel that way."

"Even if they were still here, I'd feel ambivalent about them witnessing it. They turned me away at my lowest and would probably expect to be front and center at our nuptials as if all was forgiven."

"You don't have to forgive anyone. Not even your parents. And guess what? You're still a wonderful person that I love…the mother of my children. My life partner. My pushy friend…my everything…everything I never knew I could have when I left Oakland. Happiness has been a long time coming for us."

"Yes Lord!"

They laughed together.

"Tomorrow is for us and our babies, okay?" he said.

He hugged her and she slumped into his chest.

"I want to have fun today. Get through the morning activities, rehearsal, fittings, lunch…and then the banquet. By this same time tomorrow I want to be sleeping peacefully and nothing on my mind except getting into my wedding dress," she said.

He palmed her backside and they rubbed noses. Her scent lingered all over his body like a second skin. He pressed kisses along her temple and ran a heat-seeking trail down her neck. Yani leaned back giving him space to find his way back to her lips where they parted once more and she nestled into slow kissing him. Their tongues swept back and forth between their moist lips with familiar reassurance that nothing would come between them ever again.

Yani licked a curving arc across his lips and let her head fall back. She inhaled the cloying aromatic oils perfuming his locs and he watched her glassy eyes give up on focusing on anything else but him. He opened her coat and cupped a breast, squeezing it before holding the other.

"Titties so perfect…big…soft…heavy…"

He sucked on each nipple like candy drops, groaning along the suction of his lips moving around her areolas. She moaned at the fingering of her clit and the dipping of his two fingers inside of her wet opening. His semen stayed warm inside of her. He lifted her legs up and planted her feet on the edge of the desk.

"Wait, let me put my wig back on," she said reaching for it on the desk.

He pulled her hand away from it.

"No. I don't want Toya…I want my wife…Yani…"

He took off his layered shirts again and only lowered his pants enough to release his dick. Their kissing made his pipe stiffen and he plunged into a pussy coated with his cum and her slickness. He held her legs up and she used her arms to balance herself on the desk.

"I want to cum inside my wife…look at my dick inside you…fuck…shit is so hard, Yani…hard for you, baby…just you…fuck, this shit is so deep. I feel all that cum I put in you…pussy is so good on my dick…look how you doin' Daddy's dick! You like that? Huh? Lemme give you some husband dick for a minute…ah fuck, you feel that weight? Damn, I'm fucking the shit out this pussy…you in trouble when that honeymoon get here. I'ma fuck this pussy so much. Take you back to the island days, Yani…shit! I used to fuck you so much…this tight pussy was always riding this dick…"

Yani tried to keep her attention on his face, but her mouth had fallen open and her eyes kept watching his slick pipe go in and out. He started teasing her by pulling all the way out and tapping the girth against her labia and clit before plunging back in suddenly knocking the wind and sense out of her.

"Stretching it out, Ma…damn…look at those pussy lips squeezing me too…you feel that weight? Huh?"

He forced his dick to jump inside her pussy without moving his hands or wiggling his hips. The muscle control made her pussy throb all around his thickness. Her walls were beyond engorged. His semen rendered it twice as slippery and her pussy twice as noisy with all the splashing sounds they created with their intimate bond. He stirred his dick inside her like a big spoon mixing a pot of hot gumbo. Her whimpers and helpless pleas to keep fucking harder flew over his shoulder in hot breathy gusts. N'Jadaka was a useless king inside Yani's pussy. His balls contracted with the urge of release riding his body close to the edge.

"Look at this pussy! Taking all this dick!" he shouted. "I'ma start skipping work if you keeping giving it to me like this!"

Yani yelped and her walls contracted, making his dick throb rhythmically. He held her breasts and used slow methodical thrusts to please her even more. She twisted her lips and they stared at one another.

"First time I touched you…I wanted this…you made me want you…remember?"

Yani gasped with her eyes locked on his.

"This pussy showing out for Daddy…see? It likes this husband dick. Got me balls deep…make me cum, Yani!""

Yani's toes curled and her pussy squirted all over him at that moment.

"Fuck me…fuck me…" she moaned.

"Daddy is on it, baby. There you go….ooh, Yani look how you're squirting all over my dick…you want Daddy to cum now? I got a lot to put in you, baby."

"Fuck me…s'deep…so deep…my pussy is cumming again! I'm cumming…Killmonger!"

His dick exploded, and he helped push out his orgasm with a roar that stretched his vocal chords. Yani took his thrusts, squirted again, and accepted the cum flow his dick vanquished her with.

"I'm still cumming, Yani…fuck!"

He gripped his dick and pulled out, shooting semen all over her breasts. Shuddering and cursing, he stood back to watch cum spill out from her and drip all over his shirts. He played in her pussy, smearing creamy warmth all over her labia. He rubbed it all over her tits pleased with how she looked to him. Soaked and sated.

He stretched his back muscles and his dick bobbed. Unlike her, he needed to top off his night with one more sexual act. She already knew the drill and slid down from the desk onto her knees. He stroked his dick and studied her expression as she took off her coat and unwrapped her hair. This was ritual for them, something he suspected all Udaku men did. For him, cumming on Yani's face wasn't humiliation but his solemn duty to let her know she was his. It was ownership not of the bullying patriarchal kind, no, it was something deeper than that. Primal. Ferocious and raw. Petty even. Marking her with his semen gave him power over others who wanted her too. Knowing Remy hovered over his woman compelled N'Jadaka to paint Yani's delicate face as a reminder of who her man was. On her knees, his dick looked like a scepter blessing her. She kept her eyes open and sucked on his balls at the seam knowing it heightened his pleasure. Looking down at her he stroked and twisted his fingers under the ridge of his dick, trying not to blow his load haphazardly. He needed to control this release and show her his physical prowess. The load flowing through his dick ignited a passion in him that needed no words to express what she was to him.

He drenched her.

Hot heavy ropes purged from his balls, striking her dewy skin in long white stripes. Yani knelt before him pious and silent, accepting the cum falling like fat raindrops. The grinding of his teeth as he surpressed any shouting escaping his lips forced a pressure into his heaving chest. He beat on his dick and reveled in his good fortune at having her and it extended his carnal aching to cover her more.

"Fuckkk!"

He nearly choked on the word as his balls throbbed with its final outpouring. Panting and gasping, he stared at Yani. She gave him what he wanted. Absolute submission. His semen turned her into living art. He probably could've made love to her on the floor covered in his jizz, but his body grew tired from the adventure.

"You leave first," she said, touching his hand.

He couldn't get over how extraordinary she looked soaked in cum with a smile on her face. She gathered her things again and scurried to the restroom. He put on his shirts and left the library with swift feet.

A quick shower made him drowsy back in his grandfather's suite. He crawled back into bed with Riki and slept the rest of the early morning feeling exalted.

Yani couldn't believe how fast the day sped by.

She expected to be frazzled and exhausted by the time she dressed for the banquet, but instead, she felt invigorated and longed for a new morning to rise. The family breakfast was a rollicking good time. As she admired the coming together of the Udaku-Stevens clan and the fragments of her smaller family line at the closure of their betrothal march, Yani knew for sure that her place at the head of the throne required her to move with composed stealth when she faced the nation as queen. The Udaku elders accepted her as one of their own. There were a few cousins and in-laws in the royal family that remained cool toward her place at N'Jadaka's side because of her unconventional public behavior with him that they felt was unbecoming of a proper stoic queen, but they would back the family from outside skepticism about her representing the monarchy. Any internal strife among them would be squashed by Umama anyway. Yani liked being touchy-feely with N'Jadaka no matter where she was. If the public saw them kissing or N'Jadaka's hand fondling her butt or holding her tight against him, they would have to get accustomed to more of it in the future.

No matter what they thought about her throughout the royal bloodline, one thing was for certain: they adored N'Jadaka Udaku.

The king seemed to glow around his family. His close bond with Shuri had blossomed into a transition of sorts. He took on an elder brother role as opposed to a cousin, and Shuri was never far from his company. They whispered together secret jokes and spoke with great affection toward one another. The new sibling bond helped Ramonda not worry so much about her daughter. It had been revealed a few months back that she had suffered the loss of a boyfriend in the Infinity War that no one in the family knew about. She grieved for her brother openly, but her young lover had been mourned hidden away from them all.

After final fittings, lunch, and hair appointments for the children and herself, Yani sat in the dressing room with her two sisters and Ladies-in-Waiting as Twyla smoothed the last bit of hair oil on her newly clipped and dyed scalp.

"You look like you did when you met him," Twyla said.

"Stunning," Zola added. "The platinum color of your hair…the dark eyebrows."

Yani puckered her lips and stared at them in the mirror. Touching her face, she admired the darker hue of her skin from the afternoon sunbathing session. The rich bronze glow gave her a fetching quality that hinted at summer and sensuality. Her kimoyos lit up with N'Jadaka's signature.

"We're late! N'Jadaka wants us to meet him at the East Palace exit. The media are being allowed to photograph us leaving for the banquet," Yani yelped.

She jumped up and her Ladies fanned out the small scallop-shaped train on her indigo dress and helped her put on the matching indigo puffy cape with a deep gold lining. Yani felt like she wore a cloud around her shoulders and back. They followed her at a clipped pace, traveling across the palace bridge, and made quite a commotion with staff as they headed toward the ground floor where N'Jadaka waited for her. Twyla nudged her with a soft jab into her elbow.

"Notice anyone special?" Twyla teased.

Mpilo, Bibi, and N'Jadaka's close friends from America were present. Shawn and Walter were dressed in fashionable dark suits. M'Baku and Ayomide rounded out the bunch, and…

Yani blinked twice.

A man with tawny skin and thick glossy black hair stood next to N'Jadaka. Clean-shaven and dressed in a black velvet embroidered dishdasha and trousers, the corners of his lips turned up at the sight of her.

"Ah! There she is my goddess from long ago…"

"Tahir!"

Yani ran up to him and let protocols fall to the wayside. She hugged him tight and kissed his cheek. He pulled back from her and grinned.

"I see now that it was a good thing that you never listened to my advice about this guy," Tahir said.

He winked at her, and she clasped his hands in hers.

"I can't believe you're here…Twyla…you were able to keep this from me?"

Twyla laughed and pinched Yani's cheek.

N'Jadaka playfully slapped Tahir's hands away.

"Watch yourself man, I saw her first!" N'Jadaka said.

"How is this possible?" Yani asked.

N'Jadaka placed a hand on Tahir's shoulder.

"I recently made Tahir Wakanda's first Middle Eastern Ambassador. He'll be working closely with our people on the outside. I'm covering our bases, and that part of the world needs some prodding by us."

Tahir nodded and held out his hands using them to punctuate his thoughts like he used to do with her back in St. Thomas.

"I was as shocked like you are now when he found me. Yet…here I stand in this fabulous country of the future attending pre-wedding parties," Tahir said.

His eyes tracked the women behind him and his grin widened.

"Perhaps I will get lucky tonight and finally find my own goddess like you. I'm so glad to see you again. I often wondered how you turned out and alhamdulilah…look at you…about to become a queen!"

Umama and Ramonda kicked up a bit of fanfare with their arrival and the entire party was swarmed with Doras and kingsguards. Tahir was taken aback by the dazzling display of power both older women held as queen mothers. N'Jadaka introduced a nervous Tahir and Yani giggled to herself. A mercenary and friend of the infamous Killmonger acting flummoxed by Wakandan women. Umama put Tahir to work as her escort, peppering him with questions as they all moved outside. Flashes of lights and shouts met them as the media were permitted to film them from a distance.

N'Jadaka walked Yani down the stairs toward a line-up of transportation that would cross over the large moat and head them to their destination following the curve of the river.

"I can't believe you two are back together," Yani said.

She climbed into their transport and waited for her Ladies and relatives to join them in the first car. N'Jadaka held her hand while security made sure their entire party was secure in all the vehicles.

"Took some time to track him, but I started the moment I was released from cryostasis. There are some places our War Dogs can't infiltrate easily, and he'll help us with that."

"What about his family?"

"He's an orphan like me. There's a married half-sister who lives in London and no one else. Many others were taken in the blip. He's single. No children…that he knows of."

Yani rolled her eyes and N'Jadaka kissed her cheek.

"He has no allegiance to any country and he's always had my back. Even when I kept secrets about myself away from him, he stuck with me. He's a loyal dude, and honestly, baby…I missed him. Just like I missed Shawn and Walter. Men don't really stay connected the way women do, and I want to rectify that. Since T'Challa's been gone, I miss male companionship from my past."

"I'm glad he's here. I know Wakanda has tripped him out."

Okoye opened the passenger door and glanced at N'Jadaka.

"Your Highness, Mpilo has offered to give up his seat for your guest," Okoye said.

"I don't need any special treatment Killmonger," Tahir said.

"Get in," N'Jadaka said.

Tahir climbed into the empty seat next to Zola. He gave a bashful look at Yani and took his special place comfortably inside the front car. Okoye took her seat in the front passenger space and the driver ferried them through the heart of Birnin Zana.

Tahir looked out of his tinted window. He craned his neck observing the splendor of the golden city's skyline.

"Incredible. This place is so…magical," Tahir said.

Yani pointed out landmarks and the temple she would marry N'Jadaka in. The streets were already in prep-mode with decorations going up for the parade after he wedding. A few citizens stopped on the sidewalks and watched the royal procession of cars speed by.

"They tell me you had a child by him," Tahir said.

He spun his seat around to face them.

"We have a son, Riki," Yani said with pride dripping from her voice.

She tapped her kimoyo and Riki's static image floated before them. Her son was caught running toward N'Jadaka's arms for a hug. Tahir stared at the image and then looked at N'Jadaka.

"You didn't give this woman any chance of sharing her genes with this child?" Tahir said.

N'Jadaka chuckled and admired his son's picture. Tahir sank back in his seat. The other women chatted and ignored their conversation out of respect.

"I am happy that you have found your way back together," Tahir said.

He studied N'Jadaka's face for a moment. His lips quirked a bit as he gave Yani his full attention.

"I will be at your service, Yani. Your husband-to-be has given me a new life…one filled with possibility again. I was lost in a wilderness when he disappeared…no, Killmonger, let me finish, don't interrupt me in front of the goddess…"

N'Jadaka looked at Yani. She leaned forward to give Tahir her full attention.

"This man is special…listen to me, Yani. I never met a man like him in my life before. In my line of work, there are ruthless people…dangerous people. Sometimes you are blessed to see the makings of a legend in the midst of horrible circumstances. Killmonger moved in ways that told me he wasn't some ordinary person. His drive and focus was unmatched…now…it is clear why. I feel honored that I watched him fall in love with you."

N'Jadaka held up a hand to hush Tahir. The man ignored the gesture.

"I never saw him smile until he was around you. Allah has his hand on this union. I will make sure he lives up to your expectations."

"He's doing okay so far," Yani said.

She stroked N'Jadaka's shoulder. Tahir's intense eyes watched her.

"You have become the woman your Aunt dreamed you'd be," Tahir said.

"Really?"

"Oh yes. We used to talk…she and I. I'd eat her food and she would speak of a future that she imagined for you. We both pretended not to notice you and my friend falling for each other. She knew it. From the moment she witnessed you in the same room together. Miss Leona told me you were a salty girl to him, but underneath… it was the need to be near him. The bad man on the hill…ha, ha! That's what your people called him behind his back! You sang to him in that club…remember that little club, Killmonger? He couldn't take his eyes off of you all night. He barely spoke to me looking for you all over that room. My feelings were a little hurt, but how could I compete with this vision here?"

Yani sighed and rested her head on N'Jadaka's shoulder.

"That night started off perfect and ended so bad," she said.

"Bad for who? You? This guy? No. Allah moved the riff raff out of your way to clear a path for this time now."

Tahir turned his head and his eyes grew big watching the scenery go by.

"I am in awe of this place…."

The driver took them into a chic and densely populated section of Birnin Zana's finance district with towering buildings and slow-moving crowds enjoying a warm spring evening dining at night cafes and upscale private clubs. Heads turned and kimoyo beads were lifted to catch sight of their entourage arriving in front of a high-end venue. Their security flanked around them in a tight formation and ushered them inside a laughter filled lobby. They worked their way through the excited buzz of their entrance to a reception area where festive cocktails and savory hors d'oeuvres were served. A burnished bronze and gold color palette in the décor screamed money and affluence.

The royal arrival kicked up another stir of excitement and Yani clutched N'Jadaka's arm tight. All eyes drank them in and the royal party swept through to greet elders and high-ranking nobles who gave them the most support. Yani caught a glimpse of the lavishly decorated dining room where long rectangular banquet tables were set up in a herringbone style on opposite sides of the cavernous room, all facing a hollow square grouping of tables and chairs in the center. Servers and posh chef staff prepared for their entrance. Live traditional string music played over speakers and Yani relaxed into the lively ambiance.

N'Jadaka stood beside her like a shining beacon in the cocktail room and she reflected the light of their pairing. The Council of Elders each approached with their spouses and Yani made grand gestures toward them that delighted the heavily traditionalist crowd. The Court of Nobles in that space represented every upper class family that maneuvered for power and influence with the king.

Everyone present looked resplendent in tailored raiment. Their ubiquitous jewelry, flamboyant hairstyles and even placement around the room signified their clan status and their tribal affiliation. The odor around them reeked of rich, decadent, and calculated stunt queens bubbling with great pleasure mixing with their own kind. The women traipsed in spectacular dresses of every rainbow hue that made whooshing noises at every turn, but Yani's indigo dress was the grand dame couture of the night. Blue and gold had become her signature colors when she made public appearances ever since the King's Ball. She decided not to wear anything too modest. The deep plunging neckline left nothing to the imagination with the swelling of her breasts peeking out, even with the sheer piece of material that went down the center to keep any direct skin from being exposed. She kept the décolletage of semi-precious jewels on the back of the dress's train instead of the front to keep a sleek silhouette look that complimented N'Jadaka's flowing black robes that were an exact copy of his father's. She slid the cape down the long sleeves of the dress with the king's help and handed it to a coat check too nervous to look at her face. There were a few feral nods in a corner from her smiling detractors who admired the dress despite disliking her.

Her eyes ghosted over the hundreds of faces until Zola and Ilana nudged her arm after handing her a glass of honey wine.

Remy and Lady Ime stood across from them near the dining hall entrance.

Ilana whispered in her ear.

"Notice how she's wearing big twists tonight to cover her ears," Ilana said.

"I see."

Yani slid her hand from N'Jadaka's arm down to his hand. They intertwined fingers and spoke to a few admirers who asked about Yani's book tour and her plans after the wedding. Her social card became booked and she shook her head thinking of all the private teas and luncheons she was asked to attend within thirty minutes of schmoozing.

Hand in hand she and N'Jadaka mingled among the elite, sipping more wine and smiling so hard that her jaws began to ache. N'Jadaka introduced Shawn, Walter, and Tahir to important families. All three men acted right at home in the cocktail party despite having to use language translators. Luckily for them, most of the nobles understood and spoke English.

The pomp and circumstance became more exuberant and louder, drowning out most of the conversations swirling around. M'Baku and Ayomide meandered over to them, their Jabari-styled clothing bulky and extravagant. Several older couples carried on conversations with the mountain couple drawing out the commanding voice of Ayomide who had them enraptured with her lively eloquence and tall stature.

Yani gulped down her second glass of wine and reminded herself to watch how much she drank the rest of the evening. Her reputation held high social capital at the moment because of her book and all it would take was for one noble to clock her drink intake and tally it up for the gossip grapevine. N'Jadaka nursed a glass of purple fermented wine made from red grapes and the petals of a pink flower found in the Wakandan valley near Birnin Bashenga. He finished his drink as Yani kept a watchful eye on Remy and Ime.

"Better to talk them now before the children arrive for the dinner portion," N'Jadaka said.

"We can walk past as if we want to look at the dining area."

"People are already filtering in there to find their seats so it won't look confrontational."

He squeezed her hand.

"Ready?" he asked.

More people flowed into the reception cocktail hour and Yani didn't want to be bombarded with the same questions from the new influx of nobles.

"Ready," she said.

N'Jadaka took the first step forward and Yani matched his pace. They skipped past eager guests and strode toward the couple.

Remy and Ime nodded to them in a respectful fashion and Yani looked up at N'Jadaka's face to allow him to speak first and set the tone.

"Enjoying the party?" N'Jadaka asked.

He held out his hand to Remy and the younger nobleman clasped it with a firm shake.

"We are having a great time. You both look amazing," Remy said.

Yani looked at Ime who wore a beaming face as she listened to the men chat.

"Your hair is very pretty, Lady Ime," Yani said.

Ime gave a furtive smile and lifted two twists to show Yani and N'Jadaka the earrings they gave her. They looked stylish and quite flattering on her ear. Remy wore his too, and from a distance one could barely notice the design until they were close upon him. Yani gave the couple a broad smile that she was pleased.

"They look lovely on you," Yani said.

"We look forward to the wedding tomorrow," Ime said. "Thank you for the invitation. I know so many people want to be there and it is a great honor to actually witness your nuptials in person and not on the vid screen at home."

"Queen Mother Niyilolawa and Queen Mother Ramonda had a large hand in helping me choose the list of guests. King N'Jadaka has been impressed with Ramatla's work and as you know, he was once my nanny for a few months."

Ime's eyes darted over to Remy.

"I did not know that Remy worked for you before his current position," Ime said.

"Oh? You never told her? Our children loved him. They will be here for the dinner tonight," Yani said.

Remy wrenched his eyes away from Ime and gazed at Yani. Clearing his throat, he gave a disarming smile.

"I am excited to see them again. So much has changed since I cared for them," Remy said.

"We'll see you both inside," N'Jadaka said.

The king led Yani away, but Zola and Ilana, who stood a respectable distance behind them, cornered Ime and Remy by the entrance, chatting them up.

"They swooped in fast," N'Jadaka said.

"They are truly petty. I'm sure they're pretending to see the earrings for the first time. This is all so pretty…"

The dining room engaged all the senses and she admired the floral centerpieces and garlands decorating lit candles. The odor of fresh incense filled the room as a few servers removed brass burners that were no longer needed. Yani sniffed and the smells filling the air reminded her of the royal garden in summer when the fresh petals of new lavender and purple sage were cut to make potpourri for many of the palace common rooms.

"King N'Jadaka, Princess Yani, this way please."

A young woman in an elaborate venue attendant uniform led them to their seat at the center table. Ramonda and Umama sat on either side of them. M'Baku and Ayomide sat beside Umama and the rest of their entourage filled out reserved seats behind them. There were five open spaces left open for Dante, Leona, and their children. From her peripheral, Yani glimpsed Remy and Ime sitting at a table to their left with their esteemed family members dining together as part of their public betrothal march.

The rest of the Court of Nobles filed in and took their seats. The din of voices, clinking glasses, and the rustling of movement all around them gave her pause to refocus her attention on the other guests at their table. All six of the tribes, including the Jabari, were represented by the highest ranking members of their elite. So many eyes regarded Yani and N'Jadaka. It was a rare privilege to dine with the royals up close and bright curious eyes studied their every gesture and hung onto every word uttered from their mouths.

"Doing okay?" N'Jadaka whispered in her ear.

Yani stroked his beard and he patted her thigh under the table. He puckered his lips and she pressed hers against the fleshy softness. An older woman from the Merchant Tribe quickly looked away in embarrassment after catching the intimacy. Calm dining music swelled in the background as a master of ceremonies approached a dais and welcomed all the upper crust.

Dante and Leona entered the dining room with the children.

"Hi Mama," Sydette said, waving at them.

Once they were seated, the emcee introduced the non-binary priest Dinani who would perform their wedding ceremony. Dinani prayed over them with a solemn tone in their voice, and the host went over some housekeeping details as the first course was served.

Yani broke a piece of dinner roll and dipped it in the broth bowl she ate from and inhaled the delicious aroma of her food. N'Jadaka became the charming head of state, keeping their non-family dining companions chuckling with his stories about meeting the American President, and seeing Tony Starks again. A flurry of questions were presented to him concerning Stark Industries and his trip to the U.N. Their rapt attention to N'Jadaka made it easier for Yani to enjoy her meal peacefully and watch the children cared for by Dante and Leona. She paced her eating so her belly didn't fill up before the last course was brought out. She dared to sip on another glass of wine during the presentation of the dessert plates piled with all sorts of cake, pie, and fruit slices.

A room separator was pulled apart revealing a sizeable dance floor and bandstand. A young woman in a skintight black and red body stocking studded with spikes along the sides of her arms and legs shook a tangle of long locs. Half of her face was painted with red dots and the rest of her band were dressed the same. She stepped forward holding an electric guitar and addressed the nobles.

"Hello esteemed guests, and the royal family. My name is Pemmy Yengeni and this is my band. I was told by the Grand Queen Mother of the Nation that Prince Riki was unable to enjoy the festivities of the S'Yan Country Fair today, so she asked us to perform a set for everyone here to wish King N'Jadaka and Princess Yani a happy wedding day tomorrow. This first song I wrote for our brave king and our soldiers who fought to save us all. We are honored to be here and graciously thank Queen Mother Niyilolawa for the invitation."

Pemmy raised her arm and brought her hand down hard onto her guitar blazing into the hit song that electrified the youth of Wakanda. Riki leapt from his seat and raced to his great-grandmother, hugging her fast before dashing off to the dance floor among the other young people that danced and clapped, squealing at the sight of a singing star. Sydette and Joba joined their brother. Yani leaned over and gave Umama a hug, surprising her. Decorum be damned, the older woman brought Riki joy. She stood and clapped to the music, watching her children hop and dance. Umama tapped her hand in time to the music on her leg.

"This music is very catchy…not as obnoxious as I had feared," Umama said. "My great-grandbaby has good ears for music."

"He will remember this day forever."

Umama grinned and watched all three of her great-grandchildren dance.

N'Jadaka shocked everyone when he grabbed Yani's hand and pulled her onto the dance floor where they rage danced with their children bringing delighted shouts of encouragement from the young nobles bopping along next to them. Pemmy held out her mic for Riki and the little prince sang his heart out on the wild chorus making N'Jadaka and Yani laugh at the sincere attempt to sound like Pemmy. The singer helped Riki and Joba climb onto the stage to dance next to her as she roared out stirring lyrics and aimed them at N'Jadaka, M'Baku and all the other men and women in the room who fought in the Infinity War.

N'Jadaka lifted Yani off her feet and spun her around. She laughed and grabbed for his neck to keep from getting dizzy.

"Put me down," she said, patting his chest.

He lifted Sydette up so she could watch Pemmy and her siblings bounce around the stage. The first song ended on a loud crescendo of feedback from the bass. Riki clapped so hard and Joba stared at Pemmy with big, wide eyes. The nobles applauded, appreciating the lyrics despite the raucous nature of the Afropunk vibes. Pemmy bowed and held up a hand toward the older people in their seats.

"Don't worry my beautiful elders, I have music for you too," Penny said.

The band started playing a classic Wakandan courting song and the older people thundered their applause. Many stood and headed for the dance floor to join the youth in a line dance. Sydette sprinted to the front to watch Pemmy up close with Riki and Joba.

"Use your sound shield! Remind Riki and Joba, too," Yani called out.

Sydette nodded and tapped her kimoyo beads to release a protective barrier for her ears with the blaring speakers.

"Shall we continue dancing Queen Yani?" he asked.

"Why yes, King N'Jadaka."

They partnered up close and swayed to the music that reminded Yani of the clipped dub sounds of reggae. Pemmy's voice soared above them. She threw her arms around his neck and relished the closeness.

"In fifteen hours we will be Mr. and Mrs. Udaku," he breathed into her ear.

"Yes."

"Should we forget me staying with Grandpop tonight and spend the night together?"

"No. Stay with Grandpop. The next time you see me will be my walking down the aisle all glamorous."

He tilted his head back.

"Yani, you've always been my queen."

She stared in his eyes. His face looked so kind and loving.

"We made it," he said.

His eyes began to well up and he pressed his forehead onto hers.

"I love you so much…I can't run this world without you," he said.

"You will always be my heart," she said.

Yani hugged his waist and laid her head against his shoulder. They rocked in unison until the song segued into a faster beat that brought more couples to the floor. Pemmy and her band were a rollicking success and the nobles of all ages ate up the music. Yani glanced over her shoulder. Riki shook his hips and held the hands of his sisters participating in a ring dance that Wakandans did for special occasions.

Drifting back to their table, Yani noticed Ime having sharp words with Remy. Their heads were held close to keep their conversation private, but it was obvious Ime was upset. Remy listened to her with an annoyed expression, but his eyes raised when Yani walked past him. Ime followed the direction of his gaze and Yani smiled to them both, her hand secure inside N'Jadaka's powerful grip. Facing forward, she rested in the assurance of her bond with the man she loved…King N'Jadaka. The Golden Jaguar.

Chapter 5 HERE.

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#King Killmonger #King Killmonger The Golden Jaguar #Black Panther Fanfiction #Killmonger Fanfiction #Wakanda Forever Fanfiction #Namor #Uzumaki Rebellion #Uzumaki Rebellion Writes

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phleb0tomist · 5 months

Note

Got officially diagnosed with ME/CFS recently and I'm just fully realizing how much people trivialize the symptoms now that I know the things I'm experiencing are disordered.

I had an episode that just recently subsided where I was sleeping upwards of 15-18 hours a day, in bed the rest of the time, and barely able to get myself up for the bathroom and food. I was telling a friend about it to explain my absence and they replied something like "Wow, lucky bitch! I wish I could sleep that much! Comatose me am I right?" and I just had to be like "haha yeahhh...." as though it wasn't causing me immense suffering.

ARGHHH i completely understand. its like… staying in bed or sleeping a long time is a treat when it’s a CHOICE, but when your body physically can’t function unless you sleep for 18 hours then how is that cool? i’ve had phases where i need to sleep for 24-25 hours at a time and it’s disturbing, it feels like im missing my own life, i end up dehydrated and disorientated. and it feels like a punishment to be unable to get out of bed. when i started having bad flare ups as a teen i used to cry when i realised i needed to drink or eat or go to the bathroom because those things required sitting up which made me so instantly unwell

everyone agrees how awful it was to be stuck inside during lockdown but as soon as a chronically ill or disabled person is stuck in bed it’s “that actually sounds so nice im so jealous”

i’m so sorry you have ME/CFS too, i hope your diagnosis helps you understand yourself better.

#answered #myalgic encephalomyelitis #negative

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moon-catto · 2 years

Note

hello!! So funny story😭 i was on the floor playing with my cat and like i was about to turn around and get up i hit the nerve on my knee:( and now i cant move it or lay it down to be more comfy ( im scared) can i have gojo with a s/o that hit knee nerve if they try ti get on their knees to grab something or if they lay down and he's s/o trying to turn around and boom they hit a knee nerve??😭 i apologize for my errors im in pain right now 😕

When you hit a knee nerve

Dang that sounds painful. are you okay, though? 😭 For a clumsy person like me, it's kinda a daily occurrence to hit myself with anything (literally) so I can relate a bit too much with this request. I hope you enjoy this one!

Masterlist

"Satoru." Your voice is anything but cheerful but your boyfriend seems to be oblivious about it.

"Yeah?" He hummed on your neck. The vibration from his lips tingle your skin slightly.

"Can you please move?" You ask so desperately while patting his biceps which is currently curling around the midsection of your torso, keeping you stuck beside him. "It's been two hours, Toru." You even pleaded. You're unable to do anything since this humongous cat persuaded you to do a five minute cuddle with him earlier. You should've known better, that there's an ulterior motives behind those sparkly eyes and pouty lips of his.

"Don't wanna." He refused before burying his head deeper to your body— his fluffy hair brushed against your neck.

"Toru…" you gave up trying to get out of him. You spent almost every strength you had to remove yourself from him and it was proven useless. "I need to do my reports…"

"You can do it later." He kissed your lips when you glared at him. He even has the audacity to grin at your pissed off face when you grunted at him. "Spend a bit more time with me, yeah?"

"I will, after I finish the report— woah!" Without warning, he flipped you so you lay underneath him. Both arms on the sides of your head. Your chest is just inches away from his. When you looked up, you found him looking at you with a smug grin.

"Is the report much more interesting than me?" He batted his eyelashes purposefully at you and it made you frown.

Ugh, that beautiful face of his. You squint your eyes due to how bright his face is, sparkles are literally pouring out from his pretty face.

"But it's due tomorrow…" you soften your voice in hope it would melt the stubbornness of his. You're really making quite an effort for your touch starved boyfriend just to do your job. "Do you want me to put up an all night lighter for that?"

At that, his face shifted. "Maybe not." The thought that you had to spend your sleeping time doing your reports because of him appeared inside his mind. Honestly that is quite sad.

"So I'll do my reports and come back as fast as i can, okay?" You pinched his cheeks gently and he melted.

"Okay, okay." He removed himself from you and you took a deep breath of victory.

You were about to walk towards your desk when suddenly you tripped on the blanket and fall to the ground with your face hitting the floor.

"Y/N!" He quickly got off the bed and checked on you. You are still laying flat on the floor. No response was heard. "Y/N?" He shook you. "My love? Future wife?"

Noticing your silence, he flipped your body so he could see your face and then he saw you looking at him teary eyed, lips parted while screaming in a silent agony.

"Y/N?" He still doesn't have any clue of what's going on. You curled your knees up to your chest and pointed at your right knee. "Here?" He looked at your knee and you nodded. "What's wrong here?" He touched your knee and you let out the most pathetic breathless scream ever known.

Quickly, he retracted his hand. A light bulb appears on his head. "Aah~... You hit a knee nerve." He chuckles and you sob as a response.

He smiled devilishly and touched your numb knee again.

"Agh! Stop it! It's numb!" You said between laughter and cry. Tears falling from your eyes because he keeps touching your leg which is still tingling from the pain.

But he continues to tease you by rubbing lightly on your knee. "My mom once told me that this is the fastest way to get rid of the pain~" he's clearly enjoying your suffering, his smile only widens and widens in every incoherent syllable you muttered in an attempt to curse him.

"Satoru!"

"That's what you get when you refuse to cuddle with me." He pouted at you before throwing his head to the side. "Told you we better stay on the bed."

"...You're evil." That's the only thing you said after you pushed yourself far enough to protect your knee from his abuse.

"And You're cute." He leaned closer to you. Wiping your tears while grinning ear to ear. "That's why I love to tease you." He made a mess on your hair by ruffling it with his big hand.

"Is it that bad?" He asked once again, inspecting your red knee because of his attacks earlier.

"Why do you wanna know."

"Because I'm a caring boyfriend. Duh. That's why." He shamelessly answered and you rolled your eyes at him. "But seriously, if it's that bad it would be better if you lay down on the bed for a moment."

He opens his arms at you, a smile tugging on his lips. "Come on now."

You're still mad at him for laughing when you're suffering miserably. However you can't refuse him when he's sweetly cradling you in his arms and putting you gently on the bed like this. "Better?" He whispered on your ear and you nodded.

"Want something? Want me to get you some water?"

You shook your head.

"What about food? You hungry?"

Another head shake from you.

"Ice cream? Ramen? Candy? Movies? Me?"

You laughed when he continued to offer you so many things after that. "Satoru, I'm not paralyzed."

"I know." He grinned widely. "Just don't want you to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you." You sighed and he let out the biggest smile of his. It's so bright, he could compete against the sun.

He's a menace, an adorable menace of yours.

" Wait, I'll go get some ice for your knee." Shortly after, he's back with a pack of ice. You jolted slightly when the cold ice hit your skin.

"So~" he slyly crawled to you. Eyes glinting with mischief. "This means you're unable to do your work, right?"

Ah, you know where this is going.

"For the time being, yeah. But I'm sure I'll be okay after a few minutes."

"It's not good to strain yourself when you're hurt, Y/N." He nags you just the way you used to do to him. You gave him a nasty stare and it doesn't do anything since he keeps on talking. "You're the one who told me that."

"Yeah, but this is just a—"

"Nope, nope! I'm not going to let you work in this state. Rest. Now." It's amazing how he's able to mimic everything, from the way you talk and the exact words you used.

"But the deadline is tomorrow."

His gaze softened.

"I'll help you with that."

"No need!" You frantically shook your head. "You just came back from a mission, how could i—"

"I said I'll help you and that's that." He kissed your lips again lovingly. "So now it's cuddle time!" He carefully slid himself beside you. After he's sure his body doesn't hit your knee, he hugged you with his arms again.

"We've cuddled just now!" You protested.

"There's never enough cuddles, Y/N. Never."

Masterlist

#gojo x reader #gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru x reader #gojo fluff #gojo satoru x you #gojo x you #gojou x reader #gojou satoru x you #gojo satoru imagines #jujutsu kaisen imagines #jjk imagines #jjk drabbles #gojo drabbles

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more-thoughts-than-money · 6 months

Text

Born “gifted”; grown chronically depressed

// long, personal post. basically a tutorial on express therapy (and by express I mean 10 years of rationalising, learning psychology on myself and fictional characters + 48 hours of not sleeping)

When I was grieving I spent 48 hours sleepless

it’s not that I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been on insomnia medication for 3 years now. I just had to “have a reason” and time to actually acknowledge my emotion and thoughts which caused my body to struggle with setting a “proper” circadian rhythm

Living with a 5 person family in basically a studio flat for 13 years of my life low-key harmed my ability to think and “feel” without privy eyes

this accidentally sent my brain into survival mode where I could only “think rationally” at night

So when we moved out and I got to have a room of my own

that’s when *serious* sleep problems started

my brain would just REFUSE to shut the fuck up

first off I was used to tv noise while falling asleep

i fixed it up with some rain sounds or watching ATLA when I was feeling funky

it distracted me enough

still I wouldn’t fucking sleep.

because my brain didn’t feel like it

probably hyperactivity which I could never “treat” with sport as an asthmatic kid

also an outcast but it is what it is

unable to name the cause of my insomnia I would just head to sleep at 10pm. Two reasons for that:

a) you know what they say! Don’t trust your thoughts after 10PM

b) 8h of sleep is THE healthy amount. And it seems like my brain likes waking up early for whatever reason!

yeah also I went through a fair share of medication before they got it right

anyways whoops I’m depressed now. Very depressed and even more anxious. Day by day my brain is giving me more compulsive behaviours and thoughts! Yaaay!

so I went through a 3 years worth of antidepressants

also a lot of unintended research (thanks, tiktok.)

basically I “subconsciously” KNEW what my problem is but “consciously” my brain refused I acknowledge it because haha living in the state of constant survival mode is way more fun! right?

right?

basically it was like being a doctor and being pretty certain about the diagnosis but having to go to some other doctor to objectively either confirm or discard my diagnosis

yeah anyways I changed medication, SNRI, venlafaxine

known to help some adhd folk with severe vegetative depression for “no reason”

Yeah basically my new psychiatrist kept on upping the dose until I got “a kick in the ass” so we know it works

and then my aunt died.

wELL my workaholic and emotionally constipated child brain would NOT acknowledge it

hell you’d catch me dead before I’d admit that I felt shitty but didn’t know how to deal with that because at the same time I “saw it coming”

No one ever told me she’s sick

I just saw her hair loss (or rather a sudden haircut change and awkward silence that followed) and had some foggy memory of someone saying her sister died of cancer

Mind you I don’t fucking remember my childhood that well

hell I don’t remember it at all but it is what it is

I just “know” some things and some are more of a “hunch”

I have this information buried in my brain but I can’t recall how it got there, ykwim?

yeah basically I was suspecting she’s dying of cancer but I was trying to stay optimistic and told myself I’m “overthinking it”

and I thought the mourning was “good enough of a reason” to stay up for 48 hours, write down my “thoughts” and wail all day long (yes, everyone gave me shit for crying growing up, how did you know?)

anyways yeah I did this and suddenly I “solved” the root of ALL my anxieties and minor paranoias.

as if it was a fucking riddle. Or a fucking house MD episode.

I hope you can understand WHY I’m so livid.

I SPENT OVER 3 YEARS ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MADE ONE THERAPIST CRY JUST BECAUSE MY BRAIN WENT SO FAR INTO THE SURVIVAL MODE EVERY TIME I INTERACTED WITH A HUMAN BEING. IM JUST FUCKING AUTISTIC AND TRAUMATISED NOT “ANXIOUS” AND “PARANOID”

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

Also I’m fucking dyslexic. But hyperlexic at the same time. I mean I’m hyperlexic in my native language, and I “remember” the spellings so I went undiagnosed

but I love technology. I want to be a CS student and then I’ll see where I can go from here. I’d love to work on an online learning platform for “gifted” children

y’know so they don’t lose their childhood but at the same time can associate learning with something nice and actually enjoyable

I think a lot of “gifted kid burnout” comes from the | dopamine <—> habit making | mechanism

so if children can learn they don’t HAVE TO be good at every subject and learn their “strengths and weaknesses” early on

Hardships later on won’t be as depressing

cause hey maybe I’m not the best at english but I know a lot about maths and I like maths and maybe when I grow older I can be a mathematician!!

you see what I mean?

at least this is what I’m trying to do for myself

generational trauma and neurodivergency running in the family made me develop some shitty coping mechanisms (example - perfectionism in order to cope with my actual time blindness and the “need” for structure while hating organisation and refusing “unreasonable” authority)

I wasn’t raised catholic, not really

nor was I raised queer lol

but my brain reacted to religion the same way people who went through religious trauma did

basically I put myself through religious trauma on accident!

fun, aye?

what I mean is, I grew up religious because that’s what “felt right”

tradition and all that

and then I realised the catholics hate me for no fucking reason

and then I thought “well fuck you too!” And called myself an atheist

later it went into agnostic

and a couple of weeks back I grew OBSESSED with religion

christian one I mean

Fuck I even started reading the nsrv bible in english (!)

and then I tried to interpret it “by myself” using some historical context and googling some stuff

WHAAAAAAAT! Turns out the bible is a product of its own time and is not to be taken literally!

That’s crazy innit?

Yeah and then I realised all of my recent hyperfixations (last two years) were a silent ways of rationalising ALL my “unreasonable” anxiety and trauma caused by; you guessed it

NOT UNDERSTANDING SYMBOLISM AND SOCIAL CUES AS IT IS

IN MY NATIVE FUCKING LANGUAGE

I can learn *any* language

I just need some books, movies, music in said language

But don’t ask me about any grammar. I don’t care about grammar. And you can’t make me. Idfk what present simple is but I can shove it so far up your ass your own mother won’t recognise you. so yeah

I’m great at learning languages cause they’re a “brainless” work for me

I mean

I learn languages for fun - it’s a tool to communicate with broader audience AND find more knowledge on the internet (I Google EVERYTHING in english)

and when someone tries to make it into an actual job of mine. This is when it goes downhill.

also english being coded as “language of knowledge” is my “main” language

my native language is way more complicated and I never really had to acknowledge my emotion in polish

I mean maybe I did but I just never wanted to cause I never learned that! English in comparison is simple. It allows me to communicate simple ideas without the need to “sound smart”

this and isolation from my peers (kids are bastards) gave me an actual “language barrier”

which isn’t the case really

it was just my overthinking

I started enjoying polish music way more recently cause I can never get the lyrics

so I listen only to what sounds “cool”

in english on the other hand the most of my music taste was built around midwestern emo and folk punk

cause I listened only to songs that felt “somewhat relatable”

yeah all of that understanding makes me want to write an essay but i kind of don’t care and I’m too lazy to do that!

so yeah this is how I “cured” my compulsions, anxiety, depression, irritability and perfectionism. By having fucking adhd and being a massive nerd. because I would hyperfixate on linux, customisation, open source applications, cybersecurity, programming

turns out I’m great at maths since I KNOW HOW to solve the problems

My brain is just too quick to do it step by step so I tend to skip and get lost in my own fuckin notebook 💀

schooling just made me believe I suck at maths and i should actually kms for trying to improve at it /hj /lh

And I suck at my own language. I know a lot of “complicated” words and can deduce what certain words mean (logically) but I have issues adapting my language to my listeners. I either cuss every other word (too comfortable; thanks mom LMFAO)

Or I speak like an university professor. To my peers. And they don’t know what the fuck is going on. And I end up isolating myself because of crippling fear of being misinterpreted. And people think I don’t have a sense of humour whatsoever because I don’t “get” jokes. But I joke a lot and am very sarcastic cause that’s just how I am. God damn it

When were y’all going to tell me not everyone thinks I want to use them and be a bastard overall when I need to ask someone for help. when. were. you.

icb I had to go to paid therapy, feed myself some subliminal messaging, deprive myself of sleep for 48 hours, force myself to talk to my dad about things I don’t understand or scare me, go manic for a week on venlafaxine, my aunt had to die and I had to have a reason not to go to school for 2 days for me to actually acknowledge my emotion instead of rationalising it.

also everyone in school + my therapist thinks I’m still manic and in need of hospitalisation. How do I even begin to explain it’s not that I have superiority complex, and I just realised I’m hella smart, just in a pretty unexpected way….. because thorough my entire life I never acknowledged it for the sake of being “humble”. bitch it’s not humble it’s the lack of self worth and being someone else’s doormat.

y’all think that if I say “house md and one tumblr post cured me” they’ll let me off the radar?

no honestly I have too much to catch up on (maths, c++, reading in POLISH, and learning German for fun) to actually care about “depressing” things of this world

I mean sure it does sound unhealthy in hindsight

but thing is

this is the first time in my life where I don’t feel hopeless both about present AND the future

and I guess that’s enough for now

I have “a goal” and that’s enough

Later I might catch a job as an actual university professor. Maths or computer science. Biology or physics maybe?

it gives me an excuse to be “eccentric” lol

cause the students are here to learn not to make fun of who I am and focus on that

sure it’s a funny anecdote to mention like “dude my physics teacher is fucking nuts but at least his lectures are interesting”

and that’s all I care about

I get to express myself instead of internalising anything

and the students get to learn

yay and yay

mutual benefit!

yeah anyway fuck I have so much shit to catch up on and I’m so lazy I actually have to reorganise my room and desk so I don’t try to do my homework in bed……. (Yes I was THAT depressed and lazy)

when I do my chores in bed I keep on losing my pens and I’m one minor inconvenience away from doing something I might not particularly want to do…….

yah

thats it I guess

If this post made anyone realise something (“connect some dots”)

congrats and I’m sorry you had to find out this way LMFAO

if not

scroll ahead, not the target audience probably

#neurodiversity #gifted kid burnout #mental health #txt #long post #personal #also you’re not “evil” but possibly have some developmental trauma. Probably. Who am I to judge. Have fun with the realisation!#hate crimes md #don’t take this too seriously #Im the last person I would take actual advice from #🦐🦐

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