#i think the most is tht i want to draw and share more than like 3 drawinfs a month HELPPP

[lemongogo]

#i want 2 draw trigun so bad rn but i feel SIICK-__- auugh woe is me #tbh i also have this urge like .every other day 2 make a secret side acc no 1 knows ab to publish all the art imlike kind of unhappy w #as a way of getting myself acquainted w it being Seen and not bejng so obsessed w perfectionism #patrick cough 4 10 hrs vid #but idk thats2 much work i think. snnzzz snzz #i do want 2 get faster w art tho.. and like…idk i like when ppl break anatomy #like it always looks so cool from the outside but anytime i do it i feel like its less a decision and more like.no just looks awkHELPP #pummeling my brain i think. need 2 shut up and just draw #elendira #trigun #trigun maximum #making my list rn like hmm.. want 2 get faster at art n share more #want toooooo .. get better w anatomy so i can bend the rules and make it look super cool epic awesome intentional #want tooooo….urmmmmm.< passingout and dying #i think the most is tht i want to draw and share more than like 3 drawinfs a month HELPPP #doesnt help that inwork full time though idk how ppl can do both at the same time its so Demanding .. energy gonee

[lywnx]

hello!!!! I'm thinking of starting commissions and was wondering if you have any advice? I don't want to do anything super serious yet, my skill isn't good enough yet, but I figure for 7 bucks someone somewhere may want something I'm willing to draw.. idk you do comms and your art is very pretty so I figure you'd be a good person to ask

AWW thank you!! this is gonna be a bit long sooooo!! more under the cut!!

the first thing is to not undercharge your work. some artists start by selling their work for 1usd, 2usd and think this might make others more interested bc its cheap right? but thts not how it works. the price you put is how much your comm is WORTH. when i first came back to instagram (with NO following) my prices were $10 for a bust, $15 for a halfbody and $25 for a fullbody. keep in mind i worked faster back then but my quality wasnt the same that it is today. so generally u should aim for similar prices, this way youre not losing too much and not underselling yourself. even if it doesnt take long to draw, people are still paying for ur knowledge and time. doesnt matter if u take 20 mins or 3 hours. n its likely to get peoples attention too, since a $15 piece might be better in quality than a $1 piece right? once youve got a stable income, you can start by upping your prices. i always like to tell people to keep a difference between prices since each piece is very different. a fullbody by me costs $95 today, for the fact the composition takes a bit to create, its a more complex piece, etc. so dont go with 15 - 20 - 25. try to go with 10 increments at the very LEAST. 'oh but i am not getting as much comms anymore!!' ur working less for more money. now ur taking ONE $40 commission instead of 3 $15 commissions. another thing is, giving how all social medias are not fit for artists right now, things will be a bit harder. when i first started i had access to twitter and instagram algorithm wasnt so bad. nowadays, differnt story. but do NOT let this stop you. take advantage from all sites available to you, promote your art everywhere. a good tip is to be present online. interact with your public, others, share their works, create a community. this is what matters the most. this is what will get you far. i also reccomend discord serves tons (u can join mine! its on my carrd), as u can reach even more people. try to keep ur social media as active possible. but also REMEMBER TO TAKE BREAKS. ur mental health is also important and burnout is something serious. no matter how hard this can be, u got this. remember, that artist that gets $300 in a comm also had to start somewhere. u can do this.

[thegoodomensdumpster]

Can't stop thinking about your Crawleigh drawing, its so compelling. I feel sad for him getting rained on all alone...has he been on earth alone all this time? Will you draw him again? Is there a way to learn more about his story?

OOOOOH you have no idea how delighted I am that I received this ask ! You just enabled me to drop all my Crawleigh feelings out in the open. Thank you so much for that. First of all, for those who might have missed it: here the fanart @yeoldehetalian​ is referring to (yes I’m showing it again because I love Crawleigh he’s so baby)

If you are not aware: Crawleigh was the proto version of both Crowley and Aziraphale in Gaiman’s first draft of what was going to become Good Omens, a little piece of writing called William The Antichrist. After he sent it to Pratchett, the latest made the excellent suggestion to split Crawleigh into the two characters we’ve come to know and love. From memory, here is what we learn about Crawleigh in William The Antichrist: -is baby -not very good at being a demon -waited for the plumber a whole day -didn’t do any evil deeds because he was waiting for the plumber to arrive -the plumber never came and Crawleigh was really put out so he said nothing -saves all the neighbourhood cats from trees they get stuck in -can’t be mean to humans because well they are nice to him so ??? -has been tortured in Hell after the whole Atlantis debacle (which implies that he was the reason Atlantis sunk I guess) -drives a Citroën 2CV -doesn’t seem to really have any magical ability ?  Uh maybe there’s something else but I don’t remember. But you get the idea. He’s baby. In the picture below (yay ! new Crawleigh fanart !) you can see Crawleigh and his entourage of cats. I was conflicted on whether the rescued cats would take a liking to him or if they would be scared of his demonic aura, but I couldn’t bring myself to draw the Bad Cat Ending so, there, new headcanon: all the animals Crawleigh rescues take an immediate liking to him and their presence become an every day life nuisance. Kindness contains the seed of its own destruction lmao)

The boy is gonna trip on the stripped cat, I can tell you that much. ANYWAYYYY.... Here comes the fun part where I dump all my Crawleigh thoughts. More below the cut!

So, considering how GO works with binomes and mirrors, I decided to back engineer WTA by removing the duos. Crawleigh is a mix of Crowley and Aziraphale; there are two other characters that are respectively a mix of Anathema and Newt and a mix of Tracy and Shadwell (not entirely sure what that would entail tbh; so far I’m imagining two female characters, and Anewthema is the most fleshed out. She’d be something like the descendant of both a witch and a witchfinder and would be very conflicted about her heritage, having troubles making sense of magic being a thing when she has raised rationnality to a degree that it has become a dogma. Or something like that. Anyway I think that’s a cool base.) Now about William himself, the Them and the mirrors. I thought, by removing the duos and therefore the mirrors, Crawleigh would end up trying to stop Armageddon all by himself. This means that one of the core themes of GO, the fact that people have to work together and every contribution, as little as it is, is never unsignificant, isn’t really applicable anymore. Because the theme has to be shared by all the protagonists. In GO, Adam can refuse to destroy the world because not only does he like the world, but also because he’s got a whole network of support. So I think, if Crawleigh ends up having to try stopping Armageddon on his own, that should be the link at the very least between him and William (I would have said between him and all the other main characters but let’s be honest: a story where none of the main characters interact together is not very appealing). And thus we get a story that isn’t about relying on support of other people but on doing the right thing and gaining self confidence and loving yourself even when all the odds are stacked against you and you don’t have anyone to really rely on. I would imagine Crawleigh beginning the story as an obedient (tho ultimately useless) demon with little backbone and regrets and no self confidence, and through the pressure of Armageddon, discovering a very strong and very good part of himself that would end up with him saying fuck to Hell and repairing his plumbery all by himself.  As for William, well, he would go along the same way. I don’t think he’d have the Them with him. At least not yet. Maybe he’s a little weird, has trouble making friends. Maybe the other kids at school make fun of him. Maybe there is this group of kids that seem cool but he’s too shy to approach them.  And I imagine after a pep talk from someone ( Anewthema probably ? After all Anathema is the one talking to Adam in GO so it’d be fitting ) William would realize that because his life sucks a little it’s not by destroying the world - a world that he actually loves ! he’s built up a fort in Hogback woods all by himself! he loves nature and animals! - tht it’s gonna get better. He won’t be able to make any friends if there is no one around to make friends with. (This adds the non neglectable bonus of making the Horsemen “friendship” offer all the more tempting to a young boy who has never really had any friends and is aching for it).  So ultimately, Crawleigh and William would be like “yes, I am weird. Yes, I am alone. Yes, it makes me suffer. No, I’m not gonna be a bastard because of it. Maybe it’ll get better, maybe it won’t, but I’m gonna do my darn best to take care of myself even if nobody else will”. So, it’s less cotton candy than GO, but I think it’s a great message to pass along. Self love, self discovery, self confidence, staying true to yourself even in dark times. Also the fact that being alone / single is not necessarily a bad thing, can be a choice and something you can live with very well. Crawleigh and / or another one of the main characters would end up like “I am actually fine like this”. And... that’s pretty much it. There, you’ve got all my thoughts and reasonning about, basically, how I would have decided to write the whole William The Antichrist novel lmao. I’m not gonna write it though. But if anyone feels inspired and want to give it a go based on my ideas, by all means. Feel free to borrow or to contact me if you want to brainstorm more ideas / make a collaboration.  Why not. I’ve got too many Crawleigh feels.

#good omens #i mean not exactly but uh yeah #william the antichrist #my stuff #long post #crawleigh #lol this post began with a silly cat fanart and now look where we are #yeoldehetalian #ask

[slime-smile]

my favorite thing about “art” / drawing when i was a kid was tht my friends and i all did it, and we’d share our latest drawings with each other, and it was really exciting every time to see what we’d all drawn and who was improving and how and like. and our photos too, like later on when we got into photo, we’d all take photos together then share with each other.... basically what im saying is the big reward for drawing and “art making” when i was younger was sharing it, not only that but sharing it with FRIENDS who wanted to see and were genuinely like interested in and excited by what you’d done.  i think a lot of “projects” (im talking broad strokes creative endeavors, not just like art but comedy music video etc) are just “yeah me and my friends were doing this for fun to share with each other and then other people like it and it succeeded.”  im saying i miss having like a little group to share with, i somehow have found myself outside of a world where i’m around other ppl who want to see and sharee..... i think i have some friends who are excited by n like what i make but they’re all remote, like instagram as a vehicle for sharing feels way more “remote” than deviantart ever did and also im talking everyone who’s ever been excited to me about my art stuff in more recent years is physically remote, far away.. the art scene in LA is kinda weird most ppl dont actually make art they’re just art adjacent (and im kind of in that category too via i have to make someone else’s art at my job and lack the discipline as of late to work on my own art when im home) i need to build discipline.... and ithink even though i dont want to i need to go back to “sharing” online

[judehayward]

lady gaga voice slowly fadin in: ju-Das juda-ah-ah… this depressed goblin bastard is honestly my fav male muse like i dnt typically stick w male muses tht long i struggle bt................. i’ve played him the longest of them all n always seem to return to him. jst cnt stay away. way 2 attached to this absurd little man. it’s nai btw!!!! (josefine on the main). launches right in to jude’s intro without further adieu..... (u can also find his playlist here) 🧙‍🎨

「douglas booth & cis-male」⇾ hayward , jude, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a pisces and 23 years old. he is studying ART, living in moris and can be protective, laidback, nonsensical & apathetic. when i see him i am reminded of wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects, lead marbles instead of eyes. ⇽「nai & 23 & gmt & she/her.」

he pinterest:

me in the voice of a card magician performing on the street: round up round up pick a pinterest any pinterest!

ta-da it’s aesthetics:

lead marbles instead of eyes, a stolen hearse careening down the wrong lane, wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, bags under the eyes that are so big they could pack enough clothes for a three week vacation, a cigarette wobbling from your bottom lip as you squint against the sunlight, passing out on a stranger’s rooftop, placing sunglasses over the eyes of a biology lab skeleton, gangling around the place like shaggy minus his scooby snacks, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects

about tha Bitch:

born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot

jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc… they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n hence…. jude was born

they just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The Hell…. may as well! itll be fine we’ll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do

spoiler alert: tht didn’t work out

they were ok to him like they weren’t fully Bad bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plans. pretty absent n irresponsible. they literally….. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or… guidance or…. anything rly. occasionally they’d joke around w him or pretend they properly knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didn’t Care the way parents shd. they lost his birth certificate n dnt remember what they put as his middle name so he’s jst kind of like hmmmm............. n gives himself a diff one every time ppl ask. past variations hv included: jude pauly hayward, jude maureen hayward, jude van winkle hayward. says all of these w a very straight face

despite this he does hv some nice memories w them. usually he definitely sees them fr holidays. frm being rly young their christmas tradition hs been to get a bunch of chinese food like a Banquet Feast n spend all day smoking n drinking into the early hours. perhaps not the healthiest or most responsible bt 😔 jude rly likes it it’s kind of the one time of yr he feels he has a proper family

they r both suuuuper into the arts. rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a successful gallery in sheffield n san fran

(trauma tw) as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places without…. the annoyance tht ws being responsible n looking after someone. tbh some of his parents friends were rly damaging too bt….i won’t go into that just yet. it doesn’t rly…need properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n it….is rather triggering so i’ll jst….leav it for now tbh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed bt he also??? has some gd ones..... it was a strange environment bt he’s a survivor

(death n grief tw) he hd to do community service bc he kind of… hd a bit of a breakdown before the funeral of his elderly neighbour who bsically raised him bc her kids rly didnt care abt her they jst wanted her inheritance?? so he… stole the hearse w her casket still in it n ws jst like… drivin around the place sort of… tryin nt to cry…..KJJFHSFKJGHKFG i mean. it isnt funny its actually sad bt :/ in a very bizarre n jude way. he gt caught n taken in fr questioning bt her son kind of realised hw… broken up abt her death jude ws n had a heart n didnt press charges. regardless he stil hd to do community service bc it ws like taken seriously even tho it ws his first proper offence. doin it rly exhausted n depressed him so when he wsnt doin tht he ws just hibernatin in his room……. this ws like 4 months ago nw............ just some fun lore fr u all

bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks he’s mozart level gd at composing he’s jst going fking wild on the keys in a trance...... i mean he’s gd bt… chill

he’s rly sarcastic n so deadpan like he’ll say smthn completely ridiculous bt he’ll say it w his whole chest so sincere.... it’s rly hard to tell when he’s joking or serious honestly. has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone he’ll probably secretly draw them. does NOT share these drawings w the person he hates being openly sentimental. at heart he is jst a very Sad Boy w lots of repressed issues like depression genuinely just does NAT giv him a single break bt he plasters over this w wise cracks n never discusses his emotions ever. he’s actually p decent or at least tries to b. he’s kind of like tht bit in superbad where michael cera gets rly drunk n makes a toast to women like tht energy...........

he has rly bad insomnia so he like never sleeps idk how he’s Alive straight up. please go to bed sir............. he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot

ANYWAY that aside he’s at radcliffe doing art, focusing on fine art like painting is............... the thing he luvs most...... his style is kind of.......... taking normal things n painting w surreal colours.... he likes A LOT of colour in his paintings which is kind of a stark contrast to his personality bc his world’s so.... washed out n grey............ lovs art n philosophy n literature n photography n music.... 

ummMMMMmm honestly idk i’m blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges on all his clothes. wandering the streets in plaid pj bottoms n dr martens eating frm a cereal box without care in the world. he’s p broody n scruffy n he’s mostly here fr a laidback time....... doesn’t rly like when ppl take themselves too seriously........ likes strange ppl thinks the world is mde richer by them n likes when ppl can jst bounce back jokes at him without being like erm. u dont make sense mate. bc frankly he can come up w some strange stuff sometimes.............. talking to him cn b like navigating a dark n bendy road without a flashlight....... 

(drugs tw) once did shrooms n woke up naked in the woods curled up in a pile of leaves. to this day he recounts this as his werewolf transformation. hs no idea hw he ended up there n when ppl r like are u not. concerned jude. tht is so strange? he jst shrugs like.............. dunno....................... suppose i’m jst a werewolf upon occasion. so casual abt it. jst truly does Not care abt most things at all..... almost to the point tht it’s concerning (sometimes way past the point tht it’s concerning too :/)

this is the desc on an aesthetic i mde of his style once n sums it up well!! ‘additionally: too many pairs of trousers, a hideous amount of white t-shirts all somewhat stained with charcoal, a jumper so thinly knit it almost looks sheer, chipped teale nail varnish, a cream corduroy jacket with a cigarette hole singed onto the cuff, vintage wiry reading glasses he almost never wears, a freshly rolled cigarette behind his ear, a thrifted t-shirt with a warped bart simpson wearing a stethoscope with the caption ‘bard knwos cardiology’ and two crops hacked that way with kitchen scissors that he sometimes wears to paint.‘

EXPERT at rolling spliffs like jst. mkes them so precise n neat....... it’s his super power. his fav thing to smoke frm is banana flavour papers.................... linking 2 this he’s like. bad w emotions bt he does try..... once his friend (maggie) ws sad so he brought her a spliff wrapped in grape flavoured paper bc it’s her fav fruit n jst like. wordlessly gave it to her. it’s the thought tht counts.....

PLOTS!!!!!

plays bass in a band which cld b a fun connection to get together??? i picture the music being like surf rock type like........... mac demarco...... bt he also luvs elliott smith n glass animals n the cure n metronomy n neutral milk hotel n talking heads n radiohead n mazzy star n wolf alice...................... idk jst like.... within tht ballpark i suppose i imagine it being................

mayb ppl he shares classes w?????? i’d like someone tht does a similar course n they hang out tgether when it comes to trips fr the module to museums or exhibits or wtever................ they both stand in front of paintings analysing it rly wrong n saying stuff like hmmmmmmmmm....... i do declare i see a, uh..... large phallus protruding from the centre of this image...... moves something in me.......... n some elderly person looking at it besides them is like Ergh. sickened n disgraced. leaves w a brow severely furrowed

someone he smokes w on the moris rooftop late at night when he cnt sleep??? mayb they’re up n cnt sleep either fr whtever reason n it’s become an unspoken kind of ritual where they always clamber out n find each other there n jst wordlessly keep them company

jude is kind of like. protective almost to a fault sometimes........... mayb some guy he’s punched......................... if they hurt someone he cares abt........... typically it wld hv been a girl he ws kind of like. affected by his first relationship bc she had a bad home situation n ever since jst wnts..... to Protect it’s kind of like an automatic instinct ingrained in him nw 😔 all sounds very noble n well bt sometimes it cn b a bit of an escalation i wnt lie

perhaps a few hook-ups??? jude doesn’t tend to sleep w ppl he rly knows bc he just..... likes it to b an impersonal thing doesn’t like getting attached fr various reasons so mayb they only kno each other via this OR mayb he bent his rules a bit..... cld either work seamlessly or hv added drama if one side hs mre feelings or whtever

currently living in moris w 2 roommates bt i’d love some neighbours perhaps..... mayb someone tht lives directly nxt door to his room n is like ://// bc he plays music loud n weeds always drifting frm his window n mking their room smell if theirs is open too................. or mayb they get on..... mayb there’s a rly mean seagull tht lands on a branch n poos on pedestrians n they both commentate on it frm their windows like david attenborough...... they’re like he’s at it again. they’ve named him n everything

HONESTLY anything if u have an idea hmu i’d love 2 hear it.......... rubs my hands tgether in excitement to plot up a storm w u all

#ruhqintro #depression tw #death tw #grief tw #neglect tw #trauma tw #drugs tw

[strvwberryblcnde]

👫 ford nd bradley

send a 👫 and I’ll write four headcanons i have about our muses’ relationship.

i feel like they have a recurring theme of rooftops.... they’re always hanging out on them historically in threads bt i also feel like they have a couple of different things they do on rooftops. obviously a staple is drinking an atrocious amt n smoking until their throats r hoarse with it bt. i feel like once bradley invited him to a rooftop in college n when he arrived she just had a duffel bag w a bunch of watermelons in. how had she lugged them all up there i honestly dnt know. n it would be a weird cathartic thing in a way of just. hurling them off n watching them splat on the pavement a few stories below. inevitably once bradley said smthn rly alarming bt she’d say it in her nonchalant way like. sometimes i picture it as my skull when it cracks open. all tht gutted fruit kind of looks like brain if u stare long enough. if u know what brain looks like. know what i mean? n she’d look at him n smoke n do a small smile like tht wasn’t the most horrific thing to say in a casual conversation..... Just Bradley Things <3 bt then also maybe this wld evolve into a fun thing where she brings a sharpie n they draw someone they kno tht pisses them off on the watermelon to give it a face before they toss it. she probably drew elias once n before she threw it she was like She Slept In My Bed! Sh-sh-sh-sh-she Slept In My Bed! pretending to remix him crying at the party tht time before lobbing it n laughing when it exploded into mulch. mayb once it hit a car windshield of a professor n the alarm started blaring n they were like. shit. n had to run away. bradley wld laugh as they ran she finds chaos amusing

i dnt think they’ve ever kissed tht i can recall???? n in a way bradley is probably kind of thankful fr tht. it’s like when ur a kid n u shut ur eyes like somehow that means the monster won’t b there bc u can’t see it. her eyes r very much shut to the concept of ever actually indulging tht want bc it just is clearly.................. a doomed possibility tht she knows shd be let go. black balloon by the kills playing in the bkground. even if they were in a situation where they got told to kiss as a dare or smthn like that i feel like bradley wld deflect from the dare being given n start roasting a random npc tht had given her the dare just fr the sake of shifting the focal point of conversation n avoiding it. it’s jst a bit like giving a crumb to a starving person n expecting them to nt want to eat more. it’s better to have nothing at all than to get a taste of something bt know u’ll never be allowed to feel full. he’s destined to get married n have bebes with vee n bradley knows this n knows she’s destined fr........ something else shall we say! reminds me of the new girl nick n jess scene where he doesn’t wna kiss her on the dare n she’s like why not let’s jst do it n he blurts out NOT LIKE THIS!!!!! n she’s like huh.... except the roles r reversed n bradley wldn’t say tht it’s just. the sentiment. it’s a nice daydream every so often when she’s drunk enough to nt be able to ignore it bt that’s what it’ll have to remain <3

ok so building from tht one time when she vanished fr a month to mexico n didn’t even contact anyone except fr ford in the form of rly weird concerning postcards when... she was unravelling a little mentally..... they were mostly incoherent n just saying random choppy sentences that didn’t quite cooperate with one another n just.... making strange jokes n doing little drawings n whatever..... bt i feel like there was one that was the least nonsensical of them all tht bradley never sent to him bt she just kept it fr herself n the front was a beach at night where nothing was rly visible except fr the moon in the water n everything was almost jet black. n on the back she just wrote “i don’t want to be scared any more.” bradley hates being vulnerable w her emotions so much n any admission of a bad feeling she categorises in her brain as stupid n childish bc of her dad’s brainwashing so idk if she wld ever share this w him n..... she’d usually expect herself to erase the evidence n rip this up into pieces n throw it away bt she just can’t bring herself to. she doesn’t know why. in a way it feels like the only physical manifestation of the trust she has in ford tht she’s ever been able to put her hands on n hold. n even if it makes her feel small tht isn’t something she can bring herself to get rid of. subconsciously she doesn’t wna give up on the idea tht someone is still capable of reaching her like tht

lastly. idk if u remember tht one time she lived in a loft n she ws rly depressed n she just let a bunch of randoms come in n party in her place all the time n she ended up w so many strangers jst.... squatting in her place n partying 24/7 she’d hv to lock herself in her bathroom if she wanted to b alone fr a minute to breathe in her own place... she jst was not doing well.... which was made most evident by the fact she splashed a bunch of black paint of her white brick wall n painted out a rly messy weird scrawled lump of a Thing with holes for eyes and teeth. it kind of looked like a wolf bt nothing Of This Realm. if we’re being real it ws meant to be her dad n how he’s always with her no matter where she is jst Looming. she was just.... Not Okay to say the least bt. i feel like one time she wld have greeted ford if he came over n she’d just b in her rage against the machine tank n no pants smoking lking so run down.... someone get her a banana bag iv..... some vitamins.... please im begging..... n anyway i jst feel like if he saw that on her wall n saw all the people there he’d evict them for her bc she was at a point where she honestly didn’t care abt anything so wouldn’t even think to do it herself n maybe he’d come back w white paint n go over it once she’d finally let herself crash enough off 45987425 drugs to get a few hrs of sleep..... jst like...... them being there fr each other is always thru indirect acts i feel rather than actual acknowledged words n. sighs. i can just see this being the conclusion to tht whole destructive narrative or at least an attempt to rectify it. again bradley hates being vulnerable bt she wld just rly briefly be like. thanks. nt even looking him in the face n then just change subjects like she hadn’t said it. ask if he wanted to go to a dive bar n shove ppl over in mosh pits so they gt stampeded like mufasa fr the thrill

#gasclines #bradley milligan | ford denvers #meme #suicide ideation tw #mental illness tw #abuse tw #drugs tw

[jamesmarlowe]

『ANTON THIEMKE ❙ CIS-MALE』 ⟿ looks like JAMES MARLOWE is here for HIS SENIOR year as a FINE ARTS student. He is 21 years old & known to be CLEVER, INVENTIVE, UNRELIABLE & EGOTISTICAL. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ SLOTH. 25. EST. SHE/HER.

hi hello welcome 2 my twisted mind ☺️ marlowe is a character i’m still fine-tuning bc he’s brand-new, so this is unfortunately.... a bit of a mess.... and mostly made up on the spot.... c’est la vie!!

(a late addition but u can also peep his weheartit collection here 4 some vibes)

his government name is james marlowe but he only goes by marlowe & only introduces himself as marlowe like he’s madonna or sting....  most ppl who know him (apart from like close friends) probably don’t even know what his first name is. maybe he doesn’t have one!

hails from Appalachia, specifically a trailer park in a poor-as-dirt stretch of Virginia where he was born n raised, baby. he’s Appalachian white trash and not afraid to admit it. marlowe’s very casual about his upbringing and his dumpster fire of a family (no less than three relatives are currently incarcerated, one of which is his older brother who’s probably serving a minor sentence for whatever dumb shit Tim Riggins got got for in FNL or like, selling illegal fireworks out of his trunk :/ ). the only thing he’s a little self-conscious about is his twang which he’s mostly suppressed by now, but other than that, he’s got no shame in where he comes from bc lbr no authentic artist ever came from money anyway!

born sandwiched in the middle of five siblings, marlowe’s always been wild and creative and impulsive, a loud-mouthed kid with too much to say for his own good, prone 2 getting in trouble but learning absolutely nothing from it. it was his mission in life to be Different from all the other kids who grew up where he grew up, with the way he talked, dressed, acted, because he knew that he was destined for bigger n better things so it was just a matter of getting other ppl to believe it, & then seeing how far a little talent and a lot of charisma would take him >:)

from age 8 onwards, he told people he was an “artist” and that became his primary identity. when he was 16 he completed an independent sculpture project (called “Skyscraper”) where he constructed a 20-foot tower made out of junk collected from around the trailer park and then glued Barbies n other dolls all clawing over each other to get to the top, smack dab in the middle of Main Street and refused to take it down even when the local fire department showed up 2 threaten him with fines. it did eventually get taken down bc it was ‘structurally unsound’ and someone nearly got concussed by a falling mannequin head, but at least it got some attention from local newspapers and w/ that as the crown jewel in his portfolio, marlowe got into a few different art/liberal arts schools the following year. radcliffe was the only one who offered a partial scholarship and the east coast sounded nice n far from home, so anyways lets go ✈️ college 

FAST FORWARD its senior year babey and marlowe’s been making the most of his time here at radcliffe. he’s a fine arts major but specializes in mixed media sculptures (and probably is really shit at most of his other classes, like art theory where u actually have to read textbooks? still life drawing? boring. yawn. won’t do it.) his entire profile as an artist i’m cribbing from Rachel Harrison bc I saw her exhibition at the whitney a little while ago and her sculptures made me go ?????¿¿¿¿¿ which i think is exactly the kind of bizarre nonsense that marlowe is going for with his “art”. feast your eyes on these masterpieces. the joke of it all is that marlowe is the first to admit that his art isn’t like.... good. but his philosophy is that if people respond to it & praise it like it’s art, then by definition, it’s art. and if it gets him places (like it got him onto Cultured Magazine’s “30 Young Artists To Watch This Decade″ list), then yeehaw!

When he’s not busy creating new monstrosities, marlowe takes one fat nap per day (usually at a time when he has class) and is otherwise a very social creature who needs constant attention. he’s got a lot of friends and is always looking to make more, not in a #fake way but just as a person who genuinely likes being around people. he very quickly gets bored if left on his own, so he’s prone to following people around campus like a stray cat regardless of whether or not they tell him to shoo. he dorms at Noland but is almost always found in other houses, often crashing in other people’s rooms (needs to be close to his friends or He’ll Die), and he definitely frequents parties, bc marlowe never passes up an opportunity to drink other people’s booze and get a lil messy and Chaotic. he’s [jim halpert voice] not a slut, but who knows? he’s kinda a slut! he’s also definitely pulled another stunt similar to Skyscraper by taking over the quad for a guerrilla art installation with his sculptures (and without the school’s permission oops) which may be the basis for some connections if ppl know him from that particular exploit!!

in summary..... marlowe can be a bit up his own ass at times, but being around him is generally a Good Time bc he’s easy-going and friendly and always down for anything, always. litcherally zero impulse control so nothing gets in the way of a dumb idea that might potentially make for a good story. perhaps he’s not the most reliable person, so don’t expect a prompt text back if ur in a life or death situation, and he doesn’t care very much about anything, so ur setting urself up for disappointment if you do expect him to care about something (the fact that he’s never been in a long-term relationship... very telling). all he wants to do is just have! fun all the time! he’s trying to scam his way into the American Dream with his dumb art, so that he can live a good life and maybe get rich and famous and eventually party at Art Basel in Miami with Frank Ocean! is that really so much to ask!

appearance: marlowe’s very vain and a lot of thought goes into his appearance even when (especially when) it doesn’t look like he’s done anything but roll straight out of bed. all of his outfits are as outrageous as his sculptures are ugly. think mismatched prints and loud colors, silk shirts gaping open like he got tired after the first three buttons, a pawn’s shop worth of jewelry, weird dangly earrings w/ feathers or tiny charms, tinted yellow or pink sunglasses, sometimes a bandana around his neck, just for extra flavor. his hair always has to look perfectly tousled; u can catch him checking out his reflection in pretty much every mirrored surface. at least half the surface area of his body is covered in tattoos & he’ll suggest getting more during every drunken night out, which... is why he has so many by now!

connections: to be quite honest its 2 am and i feel all of my higher brain functions shutting down so i’m gonna make these very simple n straightforward, but we can always workshop!!!! pls feel free to message me even if none of these strike ur fancy :0)

peers in the arts - friends, acquaintances, rivals, probably some former group project members holding a grudge....

fellow party animals who don’t mind sharing when marlowe inevitably mooches off their alcohol and drugs :)

unlikely friends!!!!! it’d be fun to have a friendship dynamic with someone who’s very different from him!!

a roommate in Noland... possibly one he’s not on good terms w/... even tho marlowe hardly EVER sleeps in his own dorm room, he uses it as a storage locker for all his “found” art materials. i can imagine that living in that mess would try the limits of anyone’s sanity :)  

enemies - they can hate his whole Genius Artist shtick and they’d be valid :/

fellow insomniacs! marlowe is very much a night owl (regular naps during the day may be 2 blame but oh well) so he needs a fellow nocturnal to hit up the late-night McDonald’s drive thru with him and then lay on the grass lookin at the stars and contemplating life’s great mysteries while eating chicken mcnuggets 

exes - idk if u can even call them tht when his past “relationships” have all had a lifespan of six weeks or less, but hey there’s drama in that too!!

fwb - i don’t think marlowe’s the type 2 be juggling too many fwb/hook-ups at one time simply because That’s A Lot of Work. that being said... he never likes to sleep alone ;) 

#radintro #im working on some gif icons but full disclosure.... they gon be sparse and shitty! #so instead we have this pic where it looks like he passed out on a lawn and woke up w/ shit scribbled all over his face #and u know what? on brand #anyways plot w/ me!!!!!! #about

[lemongogo]

smtimes i forget abt the longevity of art and how like . once u make it ,its there forever (unless u destroy it or smt??idk) bc i was lit just thinking of some of my older stuff that i still like , like man . sucks that its gone . but its not?its litweally right there im looking at it rn🤨

anyways i havw a bad habit of spending x amount of time on something just to spend a fraction of that actually enjoying the end product . as if its literally not there To be looked at . i shld do that n appreciate that more instead of feelinf like i have to start smth new or else .

which isnt a problem on its own ig but why put in all that work if u urself dont even get 2 enjoy it . anyways its 6 am im just talking to talk but all this 2 say that i might reblog a lot of stuff soon. just bx

#is this a me thing or do u do it too. hopefully u do it too in the sense tht im not like . weirdly and unintentionally avoidant #but also hopefully not bc i want u to enjoy ur own art too #all this bc i was going thru my camera roll n i saw that diluc n kaeya sketch again that i love so dearly #its sooo small compared to most else but i rly rly like it like rly like it #and its just sitting there . i want to look at it more so im gna make it ur problem when i share it again #also same w some shigs .. i miss drawing him n i love some of them a lot . like the melancholy one ohh my god.luv it #but also like . thinking again #the more i draw the more comfortable i become w ‘older’ pieces bc they arent as jarring 2 see anymore #as in like . when u first start drawing . u r going thru sm improvement and change and trying to find ur style or whatever #and so its easy to grow out of stuff quickly but i feel like ive kinda hit a spot now where like . everythinfs more or less consistent #i mean i HOPE im still improving but its gna b less noticabke than like . a year diff four years ago right #and so i think that also lets me feel a certain way revisiting these other drawings again #but tht being said its not extended to everything HAJEGWJ i cld see smth from like a week ago n be sooo ew ick abt it now . funny how that #works #ok bedtime bye

[gothvince]

i wanted 2 redesign some of lydias classmates and i’m NOT tagging this bc they look awful and they’re super quick drawings but. just wanted to ramble abt my decisions for this and?? fuckin????? infodump baby thats what i do. i put the art under a cut bc 1. this post could get long and 2. ghhhh its bad

SO i’m british and my high school had pretty much the exact same uniform as the gals at miss shannons school. and like... i can VIVIDLY remember what people would consider cool back then. rolled up sleeves, jackets tied around your waist. top button always undone. for some reason we’d roll down our socks and that would be considered cool?? and also... really short and fat ties. so since claire is the popular mean girl trope, i wanted to make sure she wore her uniform in all the ways that seemed cool at that age. she’s also big on makeup and jewellery, both of which are banned, but Cool Kids Wore It Anyway.

i think i might change her earrings to be a lot smaller, but for the most part i really like her design!! her hair is similar enough to the old show that it’s recognisable but i wanted to change it up a little just to show that this is like, a reboot. claire in general is really... bossy and mean and confident in herself so she’s not exactly afraid of all these dress code violations. and her parents are probably rich doners to the school so she rarely gets in trouble for it.

also she’s... very insecure in herself! my hc for her is that her parents are really neglectful and not very present in her life - she has money and all her needs are provided for but there’s not that emotional attachment kids need from their parents. as a result she sort of latches onto things that other people consider cool so they’ll think she’s cool and admire here, yknow?? like a shallow substitute for the love she isn’t gettin from her parents. her family’s very... strict and hate anything they’d consider “other” so in an effort to live up to her parents expectations claire takes on the roll of bully 2 people considered “other” like lyds, bertha and prudence. also she’s gay and has a crush on lydia and picks on her a lot bc of that bc she doesn’t know how else 2 deal with her feelings.

i have a whole. goddamn redemption arc in my head for claire and i love her SO much. a lot of it involves learning from lydia and BJ that it’s okay to be weird and and it’s okay to be yourself and... she struggles with it but she does eventually learn how to be herself regardless of what her parents think. YES lyds/claire is endgame and YES i’m emotionally attached to that ship

also i have her listed as 17 here but i think im gonna lower it to 16 bc i want all the gals to be around the 15-16 age. it’s older than the 12-13 age range in the show but i feel like i can write better from tht age range cuz i BARELY remember what i was like at 12 but all that teenage angst stuff is fresh in my mind

MOVING ONTO BERTHA, she wants to be as popular as claire so she imitates a lot of stuff that kids consider “cool”. like. untucked shirt, small amounts of jewellery, make up. the difference between them is that bertha is more encouraged to be herself than to conform to any kind of... standard or whatever. so she’s a little weird and dorky, but in a super endearing way. her parents are from the relatively poorer part of town, her uniform is second-hand from her older sister, so it’s kind of loose and ill-fitting. all her make up is from the dollar store so it’s the really bad kind that exacerbates her acne and doesnt really cover it up.

bertha’s tall and skinny but in a more awkward way than anything, and she has braces and acne and she wouldn’t really be considered conventionally attractive in the way claire is, but she’s so unabashedly herself that her confidence shines through that and makes her generally super likeable. she’s on good terms with pretty much everyone outside of claire’s friend group! she’s been best friends with prudence since they were kids so the two are super close, and since prudence is a lot more reserved and shy, bertha’s taken it upon herself to stick up for her and make sure she’s okay.

and prudence!! i honestly didn’t change her design too much from the show but like... she’s tiny and VERY neat and tidy. not concerned with being cool or anything - she just likes to follow the dress code exactly. she’s quiet and shy and studious and spends a lot of her time w her nose in a book. her grades are amazing. she’s from a somewhat middle class family who want her to do well, her parents are a bit strict on homework and studying and that kind of thing which can sometimes get really stifling for her, but they mean well and only want her to succeed. she enjoys hanging around with bertha and lydia because it gives her the chance to let loose a little. being friends w/ the two of them has really helped her come out of her shell, and we see her become braver over the course of the series!!

bertha/prudence is CANON and i LOVE THEM and they’re so goddamn cute together. they go to every single school dance together and have study dates once a week where it’s just the 2 of them. bertha’s out to her parents and they’re very accepting so a lot of their study dates happen at bertha’s place. prudence isn’t out, but she’s not so far in the closet that she’ll pretend she’s straight. (her parents just think she and bertha are friends but when prom rolls around and they’ve coordinated their outfits and bertha comes to pick prudence up, it hits them that they’re dating and they’re supportive when they do find out)

GOD. CLAIRE AT PROM. she’s so goddamn gay she doesn’t end up getting a date to prom because she doesn’t like any of the guys in her town. lydia goes with betty as like, a friend thing, but there’s. a part of the night where claire is watching bertha and prudence dance and she looks to lydia and just... works up the courage 2 go and ask her to dance. and they DO and they share a really shy awkward kiss at the end of the dance. meanwhile betty is NOT happy about it

i have a full prom episode written in my head............. a full goddamn series in my head... i think a lot abt these characters all the time and i REALLY wanted to go more in depth with them! claire especially bc she’s SO one-dimensional in the show i just rlly wanna explore. her whole vibe. shes heavily inspired by pacifica frm gravity falls if u couldnt tell

#this is 11 paragraphs long #fake reboot tag

[ourhappylies]

Connor Murphy Fluff Alphabet (DEH) 🌻

A = Attractive what do they find attractive about the other?

He adores how sweet you are to him, even though everyone else treats him like garbage. When you showed up as the “new kid” he was particularly standoffish every time you would ask him for directions or a pencil, but the first time you found him in one of his moods and stayed even when he yelled and cried and told you to leave, he knew you were just as sweet as you were acting and you weren’t going to be like everyone else and leave him in the dust.

B = Baby do they want a family? why/why not?

Connor doesn’t really want children, at least children of his own, but he would definitely consider adopting later on in life. He’s terrified of someone else having to suffer through their teenage years like he had to, and so he doesn’t want to risk passing down the multitude of mental illness and pain to someone he loves more than anything.

C = Cuddle how do they cuddle?

Connor doesn’t have a specific way he cuddles, he just has to feel close to you. He absolutely adores being near you and he adores the way your heart beats just a tiny bit faster around him. You make him feel safe, and there’s nothing he loves more in the world than cuddling with you while you both sleep, no matter what position you two end up in.

D = Dates what are dates with them like?

Dates with Connor are always something to remember. He particularly loves abandoned places, places only you two can find, a safe space for both of you to be completely honest with each other. Sometimes he’ll go before your date to set up the little area you’ll share, whether that be with lights, flowers, or anything else he thinks might possible cheer you up.

E = Everything you are my ____ (e.g my life, my world…)

He always stays up later than you do, and he’ll stare at you while you sleep, grinning like a madman. “You’re the reason I’m even still here, you’re my life,” he murmurs to you in the dark of night, a secret he’d only tell you years later when he wasn’t experiencing constant suicidal thoughts.

F = Feelings when did they know they were falling in love?

He knew he was falling in love after one of his angry mood swings, the first one you saw and the one you refused to leave his side for. He would try to avoid you for a while, too afraid you were too far out of his league until Jared asked you how you and Connor were doing, forcing you to confront him.

G = Gentle are they gentle? If so, how?

He tries to be. He always apologizes for himself and how his illnesses effect not only him but you. He buys you gifts for almost every date, and he shows you a side of him no one else ever gets to see, the side of him scribbled in the backs of notebooks and margins on homework, the side of him tht just wants to be loved.

H = Hand/Hold how do they like to hold hands?

Connor laces his fingers with yours, it gives him something to focus on and something to squeeze if someone starts to piss him off so he doesn’t hurt himself and you can get him out of the situation.

I = Impression first impression/s

His first impression of you honestly wasn’t very nice, he thought you were just faking being sweet, and he thought you would turn on him just as quick as everyone else as soon as you got the hang of things, but when you were still talking to him weeks into the school year, he reconsidered that impression.

J = Joker are they into pulling pranks?

He knows what it’s like to live in fear, and he doesn’t want you experiencing that even for an instant, so he usually doesn’t pull pranks, plus he’s always anxious you’ll get so pissed at him that you’ll leave him and he’s too worried he’ll cross that line to pull pranks.

K = Kisses how do they kiss?

Kisses with him are always passionate and sweet, albeit a little short. If you want more that a soft quick kiss, you’ll have to hold his face there to show him how much you do want him and do love him, and aren’t simply kissing him because he’s your boyfriend.

L = Love who says I love you first?

You have to say it first, because Connor is too anxious that you’ll leave him if he gets too serious. You’ll say it casually, and watch the dumbstruck look on Connor’s face for a moment before realizing what you say and quickly going to apologize and leave before Connor pulls you into one of those rare long kisses.

M = Memory their favourite moment together

His favourite memory is when he brought you to a wedding within.. somewhere in his family, Connor honestly didn’t know. You dragged him to the dance floor, dancing with him most of the night and sharing secrets, giggles, and kisses. He remembers that night like it was yesterday, down to exactly how your hair looked and the way you smiled at him.

N = Nickel do they spoil? do they buy the person they love everything?

Connor comes from money, so it’s not surprising that he’s used to just about everything material he could ever want. He’ll lie to his parents about things he wants just to give them to you, or agree to actually participate in therapy for an allowance just so he can buy you gifts, because he loves seeing how happy they make you.

O = Orange what colour reminds them of their other half?

The colour yellow reminds him of you. It’s such a vibrant colour and he thinks it matches your personality perfectly. Plus his anti-depressants are yellow and that and you are the only two things that seem to make him happy anymore.

P = Petnames what pet names do they use?

Connor loves stupid nicknames, because he loves hearing your laugh. From “Boobear” to “His favourite weeaboo”, he’ll call you anything to make you smile, especially when you’re mad at him for something, or at least giving him the silent treatment.

Q = Quaint what is their favourite non-modern thing?

Connor loves bookstores and he adores the fifties aesthetic. He takes you on milkshake dates more often than anything else, and he’ll dance with you in his room after to the old vinyls he has on his newest favourite thing: his record player. 

R = Rainy Day what do they like to do on a rainy day?

He loves to facetime you or just snuggle in your bed with you on rainy days. They are some of the only days he’s able to sleep, and he loves spending that time next to you. He enjoys having you read to him or just sit with him, playing with his hair, because it helps him fall, and stay, asleep.

S = Sad how do they cheer themselves/each other up

Connor will cheer himself up with videos and pictures he’s taken of you since the two of you met. He loves snapping pictures of you driving or off guard pictures with flowers or snow in your hair, and he loves taking videos of the presents he gives you, no matter how much whining you do at the start of them he loves and cherishes those videos with his whole heart. He always tries to cheer you up with being extra touchy, because that’s what helps him cheer up. He’ll set up cute dates and bring your favourite food and lots of gifts. He loves spending money on you, despite your protests, so he always does it to cheer you up.

T = Talking what do they love to talk about?

He loves talking about books and music. He loves exploring themes with you and he loves telling you his interpretations of things as he loves to hear exactly where you do and don’t agree. Connor has a very analytical mind, but this has in fact started numerous fights since Connor doesn’t particularly like his opinions challenged, as he usually feels that they are instead being dismissed.

U = Unencumbered What helps them relax?

If he’s paranoid, you have to sit with him and touch him and whisper to him, it’s the only way he’ll even begin to believe you love him. If he’s anxious or angry it’s better to keep your distance unless he approaches you looking for your compassion and loving touches. Talking to him and showing him you aren’t leaving is the easiest way to get Connor to relax around you.

V = Vaunt what do they like to show off? What are they proud of?

Connor likes to show off his art, he’s proud of how well he can draw and write. He loves drawing and writing, especially with you as his muse.

W = Wedding when, how, where do they propose?

Connor proposes when it’s just you and him. He proposes during one of your many late night adventures, this one ghost hunting. He leaves clues all night with fake EVPs asking things vaguely about marriage and staging a wedding dress at the end of the hallway (albeit on a vacuum cleaner).

X = Xylophone What’s their song?

All About Your Heart by Mindy Gledhill. He always imagines you singing it to him, and you’re the one person that makes him such a sap. He loves you and he loves singing the song for you softly to help you sleep.

Y = You the ___ to my ___ (e.g the cookies to my milk, the macaroni to my cheese)

“You are the icing on my cake-“ you’d started singing on day, not expecting Connor to come back with the same song, “You are the smile I can’t erase..” He always sings back now, and ever since then he can’t stop saying it.

Z = Zebra if they wanted a pet, what pet would they get?

Connor has always wanted a pet hamster. He wants someone up at night as late as he is, and something that won’t judge him no matter how much he talks about you.

#connor murphy #murphy family #dear evan hansen #deh #musical #broadway #admin penelope 🌻 #🌻 #there’s no picture because mike faist doesn’t like them :(

[aerbunny]

1, 2, 8, & 25 for the DID/OSDD asks? 👉👈 love your blog btw

1) How old were you when you found out you had DID/OSDD?

about 17! i started to finally click the pieces together around then i think

2) What symptom disrupts your day to day life the most?

hm, i think unneeded/wanted switching? it makes things complicated and distressing to say the least ): the blurriness tht comes after it is usually really disorienting n it disrupts things more times than not

8) What is a day in the life of your system look like?

:O when i wake up i take my meds, n get up n stretch- usually after that i either start making coffee (or smth to eat/drink) alone n eventually someone will come over n co front or co con w me :] i typically have company through mudane things like tht ? cooking, showering n stuff: if i have things to do after im done making lunch or whatever else ill talk to whoever decided to join! sometimes we pass off to share the work, n theyll spend 'freetime' doin whatever or we'll pass back n forth or theyll find someone to share it w :D

25) What makes you happy?

i answered this one in the last one but !!! :] stradew valley n minecraft atm!! my friends, qpp + boyfriend make happy ofc too tho; n even if drawing gives me a hard time every so often tht makes me happy too!

#anon #ask memes #also i 🥺🥺 im glad :D ur so sweet 👉👈

[banjoremade]

all of them u lovable baffoon

edit: thank u for asking anon i love u

billie jean: what do you notice more in a song - the drums or bassline?drums tbh ? songs w really strong drums are the best bc u can like SMACC to the beat -sweet dreams (are made of this): what’s the best dream you’ve had?one time i had a dream that all me n my online friends were on a cruise together n that was nice aside from like. all the waitresses had on Halloween sans masks but aside from that creepy shit it was nice -africa: favourite 80s music video?hm . right round by dead or alive-every breath you take: who’s the first person your mind goes to when you hear a love song?idrk tbh? i usually just keep thinking bout what I’m thinking about but if not it’s my ocs-should i stay or should i go: how many languages do you speak?i barely speak functional English dbhhfhdvdhj but im in French I and know like. Two things -uptown girl: what’s your favourite book trope?literally any book abt like, futures w infected stuff or like a hivemind singularity some shit are the BEST 2 me-don’t stop believin’: what’s the longest journey you’ve been on?one time i had to go up to new jersey for a college thing and I think it was like 8 hrs? -i wanna dance with somebody (who loves me): who was the last person you danced with?m . my cat jveijevjifeih-maneater: where did you spend your last friday night?home I think ? i have the memory span of like a block of wood I can barely remember what I did today-jessie’s girl: what would you do if you found out your best friend was seeing your ex?feel bad for them bc my exes Sucked-born in the u.s.a.: what’s your home town like?surrounded by corn and angry drunk rednecks , But nice to ride ur bike around in. the local store has a lot of mtn dew flavors which is nice-wake me up before you go-go: how did your last date go?it was in third grade . he took me to chili’s -girls just want to have fun: relationship with your parents?my relationship w my dad is rlly nice, i don’t see him a lot bc he’s usually at work but he’s really understanding and gets into my interests a lot when he can so that we can like, talk abt themhe’s a rlly good cook and like. understands when im upset

my mom is a ,fun she doesn’t understand when I get upset by shit and doesn’t try to understand my interests n stuffshe gets mad when i sleep a lot and tends to shout at me for a lot of useless bullshit-beat it: opinions on the police force?icky-never gonna give you up: how old were you when you joined the internet?literally fuckign like…. i think i was 2 when I was usin YouTube -faith: when was your first kiss?not yet B)-i’m so excited: where was your first kiss?nowhere-take on me: could you reach the high note?HELL FUCKIN YEAH-footloose: favourite musical?school of rock-9 to 5: do you like country music?absolutely not -back in black: what makes a good rock song?tbh like.. a good and memorable melody?? idk shit abt music-material girl: are you sentimental?hell yea i don’t delete a lot of photos bc they have sentimental value to me hjdnjfndj-walk this way: what was the most expensive thing you bought in the last six months?like. 4 bags of peach rings-you shook me all night long: are you seeing anyone at the moment?thriller: favourite film genre and why?animated movies in general tbh alongside comedies bc I Like Funnies-i want candy: chocolate or sweets?it depends on my mood tbh but usually peach rings which would be sweets i suppose-ghostbusters: how far do you believe in the paranormal?all the way tbh, ghosts? aliens? demons? whatever dude it all exists . were just little people in a big ol world trying to do shit-the power of love: does true love exist?some people are like, meant to be together? But you’ve gotta put in work or else it won’t work out. it’s equal parts destiny n effort-hungry like the wolf: what’s your crush’s favourite music genre?i don’t have a crush but like. i think if i had one their fav music would b like…. lo fi or like indie stuff-walk like an egyptian: favourite song currently in the charts?im too lazy to look it up but like. if 24 karat magic is in there then Thts Good-(i’ve had) the time of my life: if you could relive any ten minutes of your life, what would you relive?meeting any of my friends tbh or just messaging them? that kind of click you feel for the first time is really special-just can’t get enough: what’s your guilty pleasure?shitty Netflix stand up comedies to listen to while drawing-i’m gonna be (500 miles): how far apart do you and your best friend live?i think like all my best friends live all the way across the country-you spin me round (like a record): favourite modern cover of an older song?the glass animals cover of crazy is a bop-we built this city: if you were president, what would your first ruling be?every wednesday Africa is played over the cities via a loudspeaker in a plane-how will i know: do you believe everyone is deserving of love?haha some people aren’t -nothing’s gonna stop us now: what’s been the biggest hurdle you’ve faced in your life so far?i recently got out of a like.. 2 year long abusive friendship so prolly that? idrk im tapir-come on eileen: have you ever written a song? if so, what was the genre?i write (it’s more just. improvising) a lot of random junk a lot , it’s mostly just a lot of like. emo edgy ukulele stuff -living on a prayer: which was the song of your childhood?low by flo rida -sweet child o’ mine: describe your perfect first date.Taco Bell and movies-don’t you (forget about me): is there anyone from your past that you regret cutting ties with?my one ex gf ? she was rlly nice tbh and like. the only reason i stopped talking to her was bc of a shitty friend-eye of the tiger: favourite 80s movie?ghostbusters babey -under pressure: give an example of a world event that occurred the year you were born. i was born B)-with or without you: what would you value most: a relationship or a job?relationship all the way-another one bites the dust: where did you achieve your biggest accomplishment?i don’t rlly know what my biggest accomplishment is-pour some sugar on me: turn ons?B)-in the air tonight: do you enjoy flying?yea, it’s a nice nap-tainted love: thoughts on synthesisers/electronic drum kits/technology based music?👏👏👏👏👏👏👏-like a virgin: share a controversial opinion. the people that get mad at others for liking undertale are worse than the kids that make ocs. let em have fun -karma chameleon: what do you like most about your appearance?uh , my hair maybe ? idrk

#thank u btw #long post #abuse #father mention #mother mention #alcohol

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

#personal #animal abuse/ #self harm/ #other stuff probably i guess #nya #its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this

[katzirra]

Anymore it’s not really [A] themselves that gets to me or gets under my skin, we talked things out and left on okayish terms. They apologized for a lot of shit they did and we just kind of... I don’t know. It doesn’t UNDO what they did to me, I wish it were that easy? Maybe I’d be easier to deal with honestly.

But it helps me mentally to know they don’t hold ill will toward me, that they acknowledge shitty things they did and made efforts to stop doing some of them and move forward? Like at least there’s that? Doesn’t do anything for me, but it gives me a little positive focus?

I can thank [A] for introducing me to a lot of things I still enjoy... to a degree? I can thank them fro getting me to be more serious about art. For getting me to believe I had skill at all in it. While I owe them a lot of my insecurity in my art [topics like nsfw shit and a few other things mm] - they were most always supportive... The worst thing was just constantly firing my jealousy off? Like making me dependent on them and their approval and then rubbing good art in my face. I think all I did back then was art for them.

It’s weird. I wasn’t unhappy, because I loved their comic and I hope some day to hear they finished their comic, and to actually be mentally okay enough to read it again. I helped write and form the damn thing... I would love to be able to read it and see how the children I helped rewrite and form grew up and changed and ended up... mm.

Flits my wrist.

This post is about music and stuff though. I... can’t listen to a few bands [A] introduced me to without hitting pockets of mood drops or wanting to break down crying? Like my mind is so immune to giving a shit about some things but it’s like bumping a dark bruise and yo can’t resist hissing at the feeling.

Almost all my ‘triggers’ are just deep bruises by now because I’ve had to force myself to not react to them the way I would like to. Because honestly the only way my brain reacts to half of them is to want to talk about them to know I’m valid in how I feel? and to make jokes about them to trivialize them because the way my brain is, is like.. I feel like I was told not to dwell on things.

I remember being told at a young age, it takes twice as long as you were with someone or dealt with something to get over it. Which is totally something you’d read in a Cosmopolitan magazine. But there were YEARS after [A] I wasn’t over things. There were years after [K] I was still upset I lost a friend, until I saw how thy treated their ‘important’ friends. It just soured me.

[A]... did a lot of fucked up things. Introduced me to music. Taught me ways to formulate comic layouts and write them too. Taught me a lot about art - to dos and to nots.

But any anger anymore is just that I’m not over those things. That I’m not over the inadewuate feelings. That I still care about being told “You don’t make me happy anymore” that I still care about how I was dumped and abandoned. That I developed really deep abandonment issues because of all those things.

It’s stuff I yell at myself over a lot and it’s irritating that it permeates me life still, but also just that I’m not over it yet. It’s irritating to me and I mean... it’s... something. I get upset that I have certain things I can barely tolerate seeing because of her, that I have a ship in a stupid anime I refuse to stomach because I just feel my body clench at every unspoken word and comment. I hate that I still don’t talk about characters I like, or hobbies I have or things I enjoy still without that... feeling in my gut like someone will treat me JUST like they did because they didn’t like it.

It would be nice to not CARE, you know?

Mm. This post was literally supposed to be making jokes at self-triggering habits like what Caroline was asking about. She was like god is there a WORD for triggering yourself - like I laughed because so many SONGS and bands are a borderline shut down for me but I WILL LITERALLY NOT CARE AND SUFFER THROUGH IT??

Garbage is the biggest one. I was introduced to them really early in our relationship and I feel in love with their stuff? I really loved her voice and the sound of it? And like it was the first band I had suggested to me by someone. Within a year I think of us watching Naruto so it’s funny how like I still tie a few of the songs to the series?

They’re also like some of my hilariously huge favorites? Like I love As Heaven is Wide, Cup of Coffee, Home and Nobody Loves You SO MUCH and I remember shitty AMVs to them still lmao!! I remember the really COOL one [A] did for As Heaven is Wide and it’s not a BAD memory. It’s just...

Like that’s the thing with music is it’s not all bad memories? Sometimes it’s just a memory that hurts me because I know I’m the only one who remembers it? I’m the only one who is stuck with it? Good or bad? Because little tiny things stick so much harder than anything.

It’s like [K] taking me to that Akira art exhibit at the con. It was such a fucking HUGE DEAL to me to see those animation cels up close. To see the Akira jacket of Kaneda’s up close. To just see that shit. But it’s the company and relation that makes me unhappy. That’s a happy memory for me. But it drags everything else with it and it just makes me sigh.

Like telling Mar about being in SF with [N] and seeing the Seuss exhibit and how great that was, but the teasing at me about it and like... being so disassociated and detached that whole trip... mm. Soft shrugs.

I keep drifting off.

Garbage.

As much as they bring up bad memories and such in ways, It’s become a goal to mine to literally force myself to push those sort of things off music I love. I can’t stand that I skip songs I love when I get to them on albums or on shuffle.

Bleed Like Me came out in 2005. I was and I loved the tone shift of the album - but that’s a shitty year for me when all these problems I deal with started to develop? I bought the album for $5 the other day. I’ve blasted and yelled to it in my car four drives home since. I’ve remembered very lyric. Every word.

I had every flooding memory of 2006 hit me and I just couldn’t care because how hard I’m fighting o break strings to memories. I am so tired of remembering 2006 for what it was. I’m so tired of dwelling on 2011. I’m so tired of ghosts of 2014 being around me.

I want to detach like everyone else did involved. I’m so tired of feeling like a burden by how scared I always am of things. Like I’m always feeling like a bother and like I’m irritating when I hint that I need to hear I’m not a bother.

I’m... mm.

Honestly I have to cut myself off there before I go off into a rant about things actually bothering me because I don’t need to kill my drive to work on art today. I have the whole day to work and I want to work. If I start deviling into [K] and [C] territory it’s just gonna make me tired.

But both are highly playing into my fear of Mar visiting so that’s kind of hilarious. And it’s not a fear of her visiting. It’s that whole bundle of -motions- I can’t word. It’s not superstitions but kind of. I know things will be fine but I worry about other people? Like I know I’m going to be fine. But there’s a whole... slew of things there that other people jacked me up about.

But that’s all me. That’s me problems. Nothing her fault or even thought to be an issue with her. It’s issues of mine and just my personality and how I am and stuff. I already feel irritating so there’s just things -motions- it’s me things. Things.

But yeah.

Desensitizing myself to music. I want to draw a lot of things to a lot of these songs, but it’s just ironic the music and series I want to do are tied together the way they area? Thankfully I’m mostly over tht period of my life just... still kinda buzzes now and then and it’s like an itch I cant’ scratch?

Maybe by 2017′s middle I can have most things dealt with...?

Given that [A] and I have no qualms and it’s all on me now to just sort through things... I cut [K] out permanently and am okay with this actually more than I feel I am sometimes... [C] is missed sometimes because our friendship but then I literally just think about the fact they let me fly out there knowing they already knew they didn’t feel the way they acted. Thereby doubling my self issues... :)) I just get angry. So maybe I can aim to get through that anger and write them off entirely as a negative thing. Everything with [N] still kinda bothers me just because... it was my fault? It wasn’t a relationship per say but I hurt them because I couldn’t return those feelings? It really bothers me a lot when I see their art on my blog honestly. But I love everything they did for me and all the smiles and laughs we shared.

-chin hands and rubs face- I just want to be able to be healthier. I want to be able to let things go. I want to stop being on edge. I want my girlfriend to talk to me abotu things when they happen so I can stop havign the shut downs the way I do and deal with them in real time. That’s my only major major goal in my relationship even. Otherwise I just want to take things at a pace we like and figure it out as we go.

I want to get over things because I deserve to? I deserve to not be stuck in this hell of an emotional pit for NO REASON.... and to just enjoy my fucking life? I don’t deserve fucking all the fighting I do emotionally and mentally to tell myself I’m okay and I’m over thinking, and ruining myself and everything around me because of it.

I’m constantly still thinking she can do better than me, who meshes and fits better and I just kinda hum to myself. I don’t know.

I want to stop being complacent with my mental state and start aggressively tackling it. I started in June and I’m determined to get back to a better standing ground for myself and because I want to stop letting myself ruin things with my paranoias and bad fucking drops. It involves talking more is all. And just feeling safe. Being reminded everything is okay when I start getting too apologetic for BEING.

I’m just a mess and I always feel bad people deal with me and put up with me... I’d say people choose to and dont’ feel obligated to but I’m also just stares at some people around me who stay around people who are obviously hazardous to their mental health. mm. It’s whatever.

I want to stop caring about things that don’t matter anymore? I want to start letting go of things better because holding onto all these things just... hurts. It’s all on me. Mm.

I’m scared of a lot of stupid things. I’m always worried abotu screwing up because people don’t tell me when I do and when they do it’s just yelling at me and not accepting when I say sorry even lmao which is probably the weirdest part is when someone yells at me about something and I apologize and it’s like it’s not okay, but still acknowledge that I’m acknowledging damage and trying to figure out how to prevent or fix damage in the future?

Communication with people is so... important but difficult. Like how do people know something is wrong if you don’t say, you know? You can’t hold things against people when they don’t know - and honestly that was an issue I dealt with more than anything... which was why with [C] I made a point to talk more and more and... mm. I mean I know the problems now but I asked halfway through my trip if I should go home, if me beign there was too much. I acknowledged body language and attitude and the potential problem [part of it] and was given complacent reactions and me slowly mentally declining for a month :))

Communication is important. I don’t just say it because it’s a fact - I say it because for me it is the difference between one depressive bad day, and years of fucking back peddling issue fixing over things, you know?

#kat life #ignore me #I can't focus when I come at myself with a small topic #this should go on my personal but I'm too lazy to scroll to the top by now yikes

[letterstoocean]

my ocean,

so here is more of the ben and song of miss luna story. (laughing) great googly moogly my hands could barely keep with my brain it came out so well.  i will edit later. but i was so excited about it, i just wanted to share it with you now. lol 

Greywater Tales

Ben and the song of Miss Luna

Ben was afraid to find a room and call it his own.  

Miss Luna had said whatever room he could imagine would be there for him.  

“All you have to do is open your mind and let it happen.” she had told him as she brushed his now long hair out of his eyes.

But he just couldn't bring himself to think about it.

All his life, whenever he felt like he had a home, a place he could stay, a place that he would get comfortable with, he would have to leave.

Every time that happened, it hurt even more than the time before.

He didn't want to happen at Greywater. He liked it here and he was sure the ain of leaving this palce would hurt so much that would it kill him.

He was beginning to love Greywater.

And that love was stirring that fear in him that he wasn't going to be allowed to stay.

He convinced himself that if he actually didn't have a room, then maybe he could hold off the move.

So he would just sleep whenever and wherever he got sleepy.

His first week at Greywater he slept a sleep he had never known existed.  Running around finding all the things the place had to to reveal  exhausted him and by the end of the day he barely remembered falling asleep.

There always seemed to be a comrtble couch, a hammock, something that would call to him.

And every morning he would wake with a comfortable under his head, and a comfortable blanket covering him.  

These were the best sleeps he ever had in his life.  His dreams were so vivid that when he woke he couldn't wait to write them down in his journal.  To sketch them out.

To tell the stories that were building inside of him.

Here lately he was sleeping more and more in the room with the library door in it.

The library would call to him and he would go up, find the books with the loudest voice then return to the room, flop on a couch and  read until he fell asleep.

He liked the room.  The room wasn't his and therefore he didn't have a room and therefore he wouldn't have to move.

Ben had always loved the night the most.

He had always felt comfortable and safe when the sun set and the day went to sleep. No one was around to bully him, yell at him or make fun of him.

It was like the world was his and his alone.

He always imagined he could hear peoples dreams as they slept and it helped him with his stories and his drawings. Like he could help them hear something they forgot.

At least that was how he felt.

After a week at Greywater he started to wake up at night again.

The stories inside of him calling for him to get them out.

The room to the library was the perfect palce for this.

He could stay in the room and create or go out ont the balcony, look at the sky,  the lake, the calmness of the night and be himself.

He liked to act out the stories that came to him.  He would do all the different voices, all the sound effects, everything needed to write the story down.  Or get the images on paper.

It was like a movie in his mind.  He started sleeping ithe dream room, that was what Ben started calling it, doing this enough, that when he woke up at midnight, there would be several new blank journals, blank canvases on easels and plenty of paints, pens and pencils for him to create.  

He wasn't sure when he started doing it, but he called the room before the library the dream room.

Even Rhea had started calling it,

They had returned from the library, each one with a stack of books in their hands and big smiles on their faces.

They each had their favorite couch and they both had fallen asleep that night.

“The dream room.” Rhea had nodded in approval the next morning when he told what hee he called it. “It just seems right.”

He liked it when he could impress Rhea.  Because that was very hard to do.

He was starting to understand her a little bit and the house.

He was even starting to understand the old radio in the corner of the dream room.

He had seen one like it before in one of the places he had stayed.  He was staying with an older couple that loved music. The short time Ben had been with them, their favorite thing to was sit on sit in front of the radio, rock back and forth intheir rocking chairs  and listened to music. Ben would sit on the floor and write in his journals.  

One of the better memories Ben had.

When Ben first saw the radio in the dream room, and the fact was, he wasn't sure if it had always been there or just appeared one day, he was quite certain it was the same radio.

Or was it a stereo?  Ben thought about it, and he was certain the couple called it a stereo.  

 The stereo looked like a long dresser until you lifted the lid. There was record player, something called an eight track player and a cassette player.  There was also a radio. But Ben could never pick up any radio stations.  

When he first started sleeping in the room or even just reading, the radio would suddenly light up and started playing a song.

The funny thing was, it was the first night Ben was stuck with a story he was working on and couldn't sleep.

Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following you.

He had drifted to sleep that night with the song in his head, and the next morning the story came out with out any problem.

Ben started to notice whenever he was having heavy thoughts, trouble creating or sometimes need some guidance. The radio would play a song that fit the moment perfectly.

Funny thing was, when Ben really wanted to hear a sng and tried playing the radio nothing would happen.

After searhcing for Rhea and having no luck. Ben went to the library grabbed the books that called him and then sat in a chair next to the balcony and read.

As usual he fell asleep and he thought he was waking up to the radio playing a ong.  

It was the most beautiful song Ben had ever heard.

Ben looked over at the radio and realized the radio was dark and the music was coming out from outside.

Wiping sleep from his eyes he walked out to he balcony and he lookeda round.

The music was even more beautiful out ehre.  The voice of tht music was? What was it? Ben thought.  But words would not come in his head to explain it.

It was like he felt the music in his heart. In his stomahc, like ti was a soothing feeling in his head.

The voice, the voice was like, what?

Ben noticed  moon was so full and bright it felt like it was daytime.  Like the world had a white sheet thrown over a lamp.

He turned to look up at the moon, and there was was Miss luna standing on the roof above Ben.

It seemed the moon was right above  her head and she was shining just as bright as the moon.

She was the one singing. Singing to the moon.

The more she sang, the birghter she and the moon became.

Ben felt wonderful goose bumps rise on his skin.

Miss Lunas long white dress draped over the roof and down the shingles. Her long white hair looked like rays of moonlight on her pale skin.  Her pale skin even seemed to blend into the night like she was part of it.

It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.  It was the msot beautiful music he had ever heard.

He wanted to run back inside, to grab a blank canvas and a journal and write what he felt down.  To pu this image on canvas. But he was frozen in his tracks.

He couldn't move from that spot if he was on fire.

Miss Lunas voice grew even louder and she spread her transparent arms to the night.  She and the moon started to shine even brighter.  So bright that had to cover his eyes.

And then the music stopped.  With his eyes covered it sounded it echoed out through the night as it vanished.

When he uncovered his eyes, Miss Luna was gone. But the moon.  The moon was even brighter and closer.  All he hadd to do was reach his hand out and he could touch it.

“I wouldn't do that. Not just yet.” said a voice to his right.

Ben was so used to voices appearing that he didn't even jump anymore.

He stopped reaching for the moon, took his hand down and looked to see a gargoyl abut his size sitting on the edge of the house.

He had seen gargoyles all ove rthe yard.  Many of them in different shapes and forms and doing different things.

This one was sitting on a stone cahir.  One leg draped ove rthe other and it was holding a stone book up to its nose.

The gargolye was looking at Ben over its book. Just staring.

“Did you say something.”

The gargoly seemed to go from stone to felsh in an instant.  It put the book down on tis lap and looked up at the moon.

“Very few get to hear Miss Lunas song, even fewer get to touch her in her full form.  May I suggest you embrace you what you have experienced and not go any further.  It could be too much.”

Ben looked a the moon and rememebred the feeling the song gave him. Perhaps the gargoyle was right.

“Where did she go?” Ben asked

The gargoyle raised its eyebrows and gave Ben a small grin.

“She didn't go anywhere She is still here.” replied the gargoyle.

“I don't understand.” ben said

“Nor should you.  Not right now.”

The gargolye stood up stretched its arms, and spread its wings out and shivered like it was stretching after a long rest.

“I am Vern.” the gargoyle said.

“Vern the gargoyle?” ben asked trying not to laugh.

Vern raised his eyebrows again.  

“Some thing funny about my name, Ben?  Ben going?  Ben there?  Where have I Ben?”

“No no, not all. I didn't mean to laugh. It is just. Well I expected a gargolye to be named different.”

“And what do you think a gargoyle should be named, Ben congused a little?”  

Ben thought about it for second, but really couldn't come up with anything Not wanting to offend the gargoyle any more than he had already, Ben said as much.  

The gargoyle smiled.

“Then Vern suits me just fine don't you think?”

Ben nodded.

“Come let's leave miss Luna to her song and hed back inside.

“Uhm, won't you fall through the floor?” ben asked looking at the size of Vern.

Vern smiled again, “i am very light on my feet, Ben.  We will be fine.”

Vern was right, it seemed Ben had a heavier footstep than the Gargolye.  Vern barely made a sound on the hardwood fllor as he crossed the room and opemned the libarary door.

“I need to replenish my stock of books.  Walk with me.” Vern said as he began to climb the stairs.

Ben followed in step behind the light footed gargoyle and they headed into the library....