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#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it
an-theduckin · 15 days
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Wait shit people might actually care about me
#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw#hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha#but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit#texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text#cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that#i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone#i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it#also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears#and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me#ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way#i saw myself#really and truly i love you guys so much#even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock#anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better#life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now#at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity#thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao#tw vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#tw self loathing#tw self destructive behavior#<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore#if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd#love youu <33
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crushedsweets · 9 months
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Would you ever consider including nurse ann in more of your art/ stories? She's one of my favorite characters and I think your design for her is amazing lmao- I'd also sort of like to know what her relationship with the others would be like
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yes. actually. i would love to . ok i have some vague ideas for how shed fit into the lore so thatll be under the cut !! i also start rambling about lulus lore too cuz i decided theyre friends.
ok so, again, my au is based around slenders forest being like... some sort of magnet for the paranormal. slenderman wants to keep all of these cryptids within the forest.
since its in a fictionalized forest in tuscaloosa, where marble hornets was filmed, i decided to move the abanonded hospital they visited up north of the tuscaloosa lake. she roams there.
SOOOOO nurse ann is just... a demon. slenders forest is sort of like limbo for a lot of the cryptids and kinda puts them in like.. a long daze and loops unless they're consistently leaving or being grounded by humans.
i dont EXACTLY know why/how she's in that specfic hospital, especially since i dont believe she has an official origin? maybe when the hospital shut down, she was let go and wasn't transferred to work in a new hospital, so she lost her shit and preformed some crazy rituals that ended up making her an undead nurse ? now she's forever roaming the hospital. or maybe she was killing patients when she was a human and kept doing weird demon shit with their bodies and the operator/zalgo fed off of her bad vibes. LOL IDK.
now about lulu cuz i drew her too.
i used to be sooo fond of lulu. and i originally said she was just going to be another ghost roaming the forest pointlessly, mourning everything and being incapable of interacting with humans, BUUUUUT. she is 24 and NOT A GHOST?!?!??!?! IDK WHY ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST A GHOST WHO AGES CUZ YK HOW CHIBIWORKS STUFF WAS BACK THEN LOL... i def am tired of little kids being tortured and all these children ghosts tho so im kinda glad to have smth new to write. anyway. so im thinking lulus just another little demon thing... i'm thinking her story goes.
she was in strict private schools all of k-12, and went to uni on her own in tuscaloosa. she wanted to branch out, have a little rebelious phase, make friends, etc. tried to join a co-ed frat. she experienced an absolutely horrific hazing when she was like 19, the frat fully believed they killed her by accident and in their panic, tried to bury her in slenders forest, and some demonic entity in the forest infected her before she was buried fully. she ends up climbing out of her shallow grave, never having died. perhaps the operator did it, perhaps zalgo like in her og lore ? PERHAPS ANN CUZ SHES A DEMON HERSELF?
anywaaayyyyy :3 l think theyd be cute friends. they just look really cute together and i could see good chemistry so i totally would love to expand on them and make them friends. maybe expand more on the type of species they are, what kind of powers they have(esp if i make ann the demon who infects lulu).
BUUUUT ALSO this made me realize i should totally look into adding zalgo to my lore. cuz it doesnt make sense for the operator to make anyone a demon, thats not really what he does.... and i dont want him to do that i just dont like the vibes. so mmm yes.
anyway in terms of relationships..
lulu and her are cool good besties beautiful they would take selfies and do tiktok dances together.
masky and hoody are incredibly indifferent to her, because they dont have to worry/visit her often. she stays in the hospital thats in the forest, and thats exactly where slenderman wants her, so theyre content. theyre kinda grateful she keeps lulu in the hospital too, cuz lulu actually freaks them out bc she'll be jumping at them and shit talking about their eyes.
tobys EXTREMELY scared of ghosts (bc of his hallucinations of his sisters ghost . . ). he eventually gets over it(kinda?) with sally, but he keeps accusing ann and lulu and the sort of being ghosts cuz they just.. kinda pop in and out. at least jack has to walk into the room to show up. so he doesnt like them
mmm jack wouldnt like her IF he knows that she kinda turned herself into a demon through like, a ritual or smth. he'd be beyond pissed to know someone CHOSE to be what he is. if he doesnt know, he doesnt care for her. he kinda jokes about 'well why dont YOU be their medic' and shes like 'dont fuckin wanna be'.
jane and liu and kate prob dont know her... kate might but wouldnt care.
jeff would prob think shes hot or some bullshit and nina would be beyond pissed. at first ninas like AHHH SHES SO COOL cuz shes a fangirl at heart, but the second she hears a single 'goddamn' from jeff shes livid.
ben prob wouldnt care much for her... hes so uninterested in demons idk why i just feel like he doesnt care.
clockwork would LOVE HER. she'd think she's so fucking cool. she'd try talking to her all the time but ann prob wouldnt be interested in clocky at all...
ofc the proxies purposefully come into contact with the paranormal the most because thats their job, so i wrote the most for them, but that doesn't mean theyre the closest or anything.
ok thank u anon you did smth to my brain that benefitted my mental health cuz i love writing this shit for the creeps thank u sm .
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lepoppeta · 2 months
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Vox x Alastor?? For the ship bingo
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oh my god okay so radiostatic means everything to me
its so gut-wrenchingly sad and also hilarious and also off-putting and also so steeped in devotion and romance it makes me want to scream ??? i want them to metaphorically kiss and make up but i also know that would never fucking happen and thats also good ??? they make my head spin.
alastor is a shameless theatre kid who LOVES being the center of attention — vox is OBSESSED with alastor, and is thus a consistent source of that attention. vox is distressingly easy to tease and alastor feeds off of his passionate responses like a leech. theyre so codependant on each others apparent hatred. i need to bite something.
my favourite version of their relationship that ive made up (and this only works with their series iterations — imo their pilot/comic counterparts have never even considered an acquaintanceship, let alone a romance) is that their falling out was one huge, violent misunderstanding. alastor began to lose his power and status within the overlord hierarchy when he refused to adapt over time (can you IMAGINE how fucking powerful he would be if he just stopped being such a stubborn asshole and decided to start including podcasts under the "radio" umbrella?) and vox swiftly surpassed him. vox didnt want alastor to be left behind, and offered a partnership where they could operate in tandem and basically control almost all media output in hell. alastor mistook this for vox saying that alastor wasnt interesting enough as he was and HAD to change, and as we all know alastor DESPISES being thought of as uninteresting. he tells vox to fuck off and vox is left wondering what the hell just happened.
objectively i dont think theyd ever make up — alastor is FAR too prideful to ever consider the idea that HE was the one who was mistaken, and i dont think he particularly likes the idea of emotional or physical vulnerability either. regardless, what i would love to imagine is that eventually, SOMEHOW, they do, and that their relationship is... actually so easy. this is most likely just me projecting, but i like to think of vox as just wanted alastor as an actual partner, not a fuck buddy (his "relationship" with valentino is a coping mechanism for his anxiety and confusion and doesnt necessarily reflect on how he would be with alastor, someone i like to think he actually appreciates as a person). vox is a complete lovesick FOOL.
this is so long already so im sticking some extra spicy headcanons below the cut!
if their relationship ever edged (hah) into sexual territory, i actually think it could work, but it definitely wouldnt be vanilla (absolutely zero penetration in this relationship). i think a fair amount of voyerism, dom/sub play, and hypnotism is involved — vox obviously has his hypnotic stare, and i like to personally headcanon that alastor can hypnotise people with his voice. like... idk, alastor i feel like would get a lot of enjoyment (sexual or not) out of toying with people and seeing them squirm, and vox would respond really well to some level of praise + orgasm denial.
for me i can imagine alastor ranging from completely sex-repulsed and having no libido at all, to being appreciative enough of the sensation but disliking the vulnerability and general grossness of bodily fluids that comes (ha-ha) with it. i think vox wouldnt care either way — as long as he gets to have alastor, hes beyond thrilled.
i LOVE thinking about the potential for predator/prey dynamics too. i like to headcanon that alastor actually has to spend a lot of energy fighting off his very annoying prey instincts on the daily and maintaining a mask of indifference. deer/elk iirc are naturally very skittish — alastors hearing is terribly accute and a lot of the time hell ends up being too LOUD for him. his ears are a huge indicator of his emotions so he has to force them to be still so no-one knows how hes feeling. compared to this, despite not being an actual shark, vox has a lot of shark themes, and his obsession with alastor may be in part due to having the desire to "hunt" him and eat him (not that he actually would — the most he would do would probably be to chew/drool on him a little bit). in point of fact, i think is he ever let this desire slip, alastor, being a maybe-cannibal, would probably be find it to be weirdly flattering — after all, some say consumption is the highest form of devotion.
tying back into the hypnotism thing — alastor generally avoids looks vox directly in the eye, both because of the hypnotism thing and also because his face is literally one big bright light ("deer in the headlights"), but in a more sexually-driven situation i think hed actually find it oddly comforting because it dampens his prey instincts for a little while, and (eventually) he trusts that vox isnt going to embarrass him or make him look the fool. vox lovingly coaxes him through orgasm and takes care of all of the gross stuff before alastor even has a chance to be fully coherent.
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mausolealdrift · 1 year
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Do you have a deathgasm notp??? Sincerely, a canon zakk/Medina was a fucking cosmic fuck up incident truther
oh you’re absolutely right i have So many thoughts about this. sorry this took me forever to answer i needed to collect all of my thoughts together and all of that i am Normal about Characters
so like . for obvious reasons the thought of ppl genuinely shipping zakk and medina as in like……… thinking theyd actually be good together or smthn is a fucking insane idea and im So very glad ive only seen maybe one person say some shit like that. (which like. honestly im starting to think i might have imagined the post in my head just to make myself mad bc i havent been able to find it since ??? but i SWEAR i saw someone shipping them once .) the two of em actually being in a relationship would just be. Awful and unhealthy for both of them
(and yeah zakk and brodie arent exactly healthy for each other either . but in the sense that they both make each other Worse yet neither of them can stay away from the other even if they want to etc etc. which is actually sexy and not just . y’know)
but anyway . yeah Definitely a cosmic fuck up. medina deserves better than that :( like she’s been objectified and treated like shit by pretty much every guy who looks her way and then zakk lies to her abt the one guy who actually respects her to manipulate her into hooking up w him. give her a BREAK
but as much as it was The dick move of the century i think zakk had his reasons for it aside from just boredom. Obviously this is all very much my personal and extremely biased interpretation etc. but i think it was out of frustration more than anything else because he just can’t fucking cope with having feelings for brodie. regardless of whether you see those feelings as romantic or not he Cares too much about him. and he doesn’t know how to handle that so he takes his anger and frustration out on medina in such a spiteful and destructive way because it’s all he knows how to do. and whether he knows why or not, the idea of brodie getting closer with medina bothers him so so deeply – enough for him to try and sabotage their relationship at every chance he gets (and then later trying to keep them apart to stop brodie finding out what he did because he doesn’t want to lose him) under the guise of just being bored or only caring about himself.
and i really don’t think there’s much of a possibility that he did it because he was into her, or jealous of brodie, or anything like that. zakk never showed interest in her at all until then (i.e. when she made a move to try and get closer with brodie) and just….. seemed generally pretty indifferent to her otherwise. if he really wanted to then he could’ve made a move before, but he didn’t.
he purposefully did something that he knew would hurt them both if they (inevitably) found out, maybe not because he genuinely wanted to hurt them but because he’s reckless and destructive in nature, (and maybe a little bit stupid sometimes), and just doesn’t know how else to handle or comprehend his feelings other than to take it out on other people.
i think a lot of the dickhead-ish shit zakk does in the movie seems kind of random and thoughtless and it’s difficult to unpick what his motivations are for the things he does aside from just ‘because’, but a lot of it starts to make a lot more sense when you see it as a result of him caring about brodie far more than he wants to, and not knowing how to handle it. he seems so cruel and uncaring, and he definitely wants to be seen that way, but i think he cares deeper than anyone else in his own (kind of incomprehensible) way. and yeah, it’s still shitty and selfish and fucked up, and he still took advantage of medina and used her regardless of why, but i dunno. i think the reasons for it were a lot more complex than he let on.
(again, maybe i’m reading too much into it all and he is just a fucking cunt who just did shitty things for no reason, but the fact that he still came back for brodie after everything, despite how mad he was, even though it led to him dying in the end, is more than enough to show that he really does care too much for his own good.)
so yeah uh. i don’t fucking know how this went from ‘yeah i think zakk/medina sucks’ to a full-on analysis of zakk. But i dont care actually i love being fucking insufferable about this stupid movie <3
sorry for the massive fucking wordvomit im tortured by the curse of Thinking about characters
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rotteneldritchhorror · 10 months
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wait we’re allowed to ask about south park? fuck it tell me your south park headcanons fuckboy
well shit this is gonna be a long post because i dont just love the main boys (love is a strong word for some of em) but i also love random obscure characters and even background characters that never speak soooooo....
also! before i start! i mostly headcanon these characters under the idea that theyre like- 19 since i dont have many thoughts other than canon for while theyre the age theyre at in the show itself
Kenny (starting with my favorite who i project the most onto i think): 5'9, pansexual (and romantic), genderfluid girlboything princessgender princessboy genderfuck genderpunk ADHDgender hypererotigender wingedgender transfemme who steals money from their parents to buy estrogen off of like- amazon in bulk and probably sells some to other transfemmes with shitty parents who wont let them transition. for pronouns, is definitely fine with any and all, literally impossible to misgender this creature, but prefers he/she/they/it/xe/ze/angel pronouns. probably started growing his hair out at like 15 and gave up on trying to keep it short and managable, steals makeup from the dollar store for both herself and it's sister, definitely goes punk at some point (all of his pants are crust pants cause they dont get washed /j), and has a shit tonne of patched clothing both for necessity (he still owns his parka even though hes too big for it, probably cut up the sides and sized it up with a bunch of old clothes that dont get used anymore in the family, definitely has stick and poke tattoos (he probably gave a cute lil bow or heart stick and poke tattoo to Karen and angelself a matching one so theyd always have a reminder of each other no matter what) and definitely is the resident bootleg piercer for those who wanted them when they were younger but their parents didnt let them (Craig, stan, probably kyle, definitely tweek) or those who just straight up dont have the money to get professionally pierced. full of many disorders, specifically: autism, ADHD, bipolar, c-ptsd, BPD, combined generalised and focal photosensitive epilepsy, and probably some level of psychosis from all the trauma and drugs
(thats so much and its just one character lol- welcome)
i dont have many hcs about the other 3 main boys?
Kyle: asexual (sex-favourable or indifferent), biromantic, 5'11, transneu agender enby who uses he/they pronouns. has ADHD and his canonical diabetes
Stan: 5'10, bi demiboy and nonbinary man who uses he/they/it pronouns. Puerto Rican/asian/white mixed (i flip flop between east asian or south-east asian, or both- but we vibe). has depression ADHD, BPD and autism, probably got more into grungy/fairy grunge/whimsigoth fashion as he got older, or at least tries to marry goth, grunge and hippie fashion cause he definitely still holds the values associated with those subcultures, probably got suppppeeerrr into politics and protesting at some point, probably steals signs, probably collaborates with Kenny to steal from big stores (just kenny does it to survive and stan does it out of principle)
Cartman: 5'4 and VERY insecure about it, bi and transfemme but like super hyper closeted (i think he probably eventually gets more chill with his own sexuality, but is super super mega bigoted about literally everyone else. him being into men is fine but anyone else is a fag (derogatory). i have hcs for his disorders but i feel like listing them automatically sounds like im demonising them when im not
Butters: 5'5 (and eric fucking HATES her for it), demisexual and pan, nonbinary genderqueer genderfae bungender/traumabungender sanriogender hellokittygender autigender transfemme demigirl who uses she/they/he/bun/soft/lu/🌸/🌈/☀️/🌧/🫧/🪻/🩰/🧼/🎀/🌀 pronouns. has... so many disorders. Autism, c-ptsd, ptsd, night terrors, dissociative amnesia, DPD, delusional disorder, Alice in Wonderland syndrome and a complete blindness in his left eye (for kinda obvious reasons? maybe?). bun changes their name (legally) to Marjorine Leopold Stotch as soon as she turned 18 (without her parents permission), but still uses the nickname Butters because it doesnt feel that gendered to lu. soft sometimes has delusions of being in VR or dead. His parents refuse his diagnoses because it means they did something wrong (which they obviously did lol) so they dont give him medication, Marj mainly gets 🌸s meds from Kenny, Tweek, Tammy Warner (from that one episode where kenny gets a girlfriend whos a 'slut'), and the goth kids (most of them because they have been perscribed the medication, or, in Kenny's case, because they buy/trade perscription drugs). started transitioning without 🌈 parents' knowledge.
Craig: 5'11, gay and demiromantic, outerspacetix voidgender/agender man who uses he/it pronouns. is just- very mixed- its indigenous/south-east asian/peruvian/black/white and is adopted. has ASPD and autism. his 'exception people' (i dont know if thats the official phrase for it, but people with ASPD apparently can have certain people that bring out strong emotions in them- dont take my word for it though, this is second hand info from someone with ASPD i used to watch on tiktok lol) are Tweek, Thomas (from the tourrettes episode) and Stripe (yes, his guinea pig- sh). he's pretty okay at masking emotions when he needs to (mostly to make his boyfriends feel better and in an attempt to sooth their anxieties). he probably starts getting into grunge/punk at some point during his teens- he probably has a patch jacket/battle jacket thats covered in a mix of political and astrology/space related patches. his spin is space, absolutely.
Clyde: 5'8, spanish/east asian bi man (i go back and forth on whether or not to make him cis or trans or like demiboy??? or just a nonbinary man??? idk- just masc), uses he/they/it pronouns and has ADHD and PTSD.
Jimmy: 5'11, Cupiosexual, demiromantic (both bi oriented), is a cis or genderqueer guy and mainly uses he/him but doesnt really care much if you call him anything else, probably has a couple birth marks and cooovveerrsss his crutches in stickers (he probably has a bunch of random stickers related to all kinda shit, 2/3s of which arent even his, he has like- a shit tonne of stickers related to space, and robots, and dark academia, and hearts, and super heros, or whatever the fuck because his friends just give him stickers sometimes)
Tolkien: 6'0, genderfaun enby, omni with a preference for feminine people, has autism and ADHD, uses he/they pronouns, and has a couple scars from canon events (eg; a scar on his forehead from when cartman pelted him with a rock, and a gunshot scar on his shoulder from cartman shooting him)
Tweek: 5'8, nonbinary tweekgender (namegender) demiboy, gaygaygaygaygay, uses he/they/it/tweek/tic pronouns. has ADHD, autism, anxiety disorders and a panic disorder, paranoid personality disorder, C-PTSD, claustrophobia, tourettes and psychosis. he gets triggered by coffee if he hasnt been around coffee for a while (after a while it becomes less triggering and more part of the constant anxiety and paranoia), has psychotic delusions and hallucinations of bugs, the smell of coffee, gangstalking, etc. hes weirdly friends with the goth kids????? tic hangs out with them (as well as Kenny, Craig and butters) a lot, getting to traumadump, rant about anxieties, and just kinda gossip? and it helps it mellow out a bit. (also tweek has a bunch of scars to do with scratching tics, ripping out piercings, etc)
Wendy/Wendyl: 5'9, south east asian, bi, genderfluid/genderfaer, uses she/they/he/fae pronouns and is autistic. her spin is politics and feminism, he has a couple (brightly colored) patch clothes (definitely a pair of patch shorts and a patch skirt). has a couple scars on their knuckles and one on their cheek from fights she's gotten into (both in canon, and during protests or general people fucking with her). fae definitely does kickboxing and probably hosts an underground self defense class for non-men.
i can probably get into more obscure characters now but this is already long enough and im slowly running out of spoons so im kinda done for now
thank you for listening to my autistic ramblings :)
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Read: L'étranger
Three deaths. A loved one, a stranger and oneself. If all lives are equal, all three deaths matter the same, if death is inevitable and we must accept it, there's nothing to be sad about any of those deaths. Through a long chain of this equals that, the whole universe comes out seeming meaningless. Maybe it is. Why care when the universe doesn't care? Naturally, all things which are very easy to say conceptually. I had prepared for it, so I thought I'd be fine when my cat died, when my father was sent to the ER, but I cried in both instances and felt my soul shrinking (and saying it in reverse, you could argue my cat's life and father's life are equally precious to me. to someone out there that could make me a stranger by itself, crying for a cat as much as for a father probably makes no sense to most. people in my family itself said "sure sure ill give you two cats so you forget that one" when it happened. theyd never say that about a father for sure, in the great scheme, that life only mattered to me, and I don't need anyone else to feel the same or understand my feeling. if anything, id be happy enough if they just didn't deny it.)
Meursault tried to block the sun when his mother died. A stranger even to himself, he could not process his own feelings. He overhears his neighbor crying over his lost dog, and thinks of his mother, but can't tell why. He smiles when looking at his reflection, yet it remains somber.
The multitude had no place in his world and, likewise, the multitude also rejected him. Though even if given more time, he'd probably only continue averting his eyes from the sun, instead of one day understanding at least himself. Only his death could make him understand himself, his anger, his violence and, at the same time, come to terms with his mother's death. And perhaps more importantly, understand the last of her life. He couldn't love Marie (or at least understand if he did so or not properly), but managed to see why his mother got a boyfriend at the end of her life.
"Nobody had the right to cry for her" to me reads like a loving statement. She lived, and lived again in her golden years. What joy did he see that, what peace he must have seen in the way she lived. He sees not the loss he suffered, but what she achieved, what she had before leaving, and thus wishes none to look at her with tears, with sadness. "Maman lived and died happily, don't stain that with tears!" is what his heart screams to me. If at first he didn't understand his own sadness, at the end he understands there is nothing to be sad about. Run or walk, the sun will get you.
"We're all privileged, but one day we'll be condemned." Great equalizer is the death In his outburst he finally takes the wheel of his life. The trial took place with him apart from it, he had no place in deciding his own fate in the world of men. But in front of (a man of) God, he finally expressed his anger, his violence, his beliefs. He seeks not redemption or forgival or such earthly, humane values, because he's seen through the intrinsic value of reality. Nothing matters, everything matters, it's all the same (Letters, from Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet). Zarathustra also advocates one to find their own truth, which is what Meursault seized for himself and found peace in it (He is no pale criminal, however, as his act did not terrify him, but I digress), therefore placing Meursault closer to overman than man.
We will live, make choices on how to live, and one day we shall die. Be it our best life or our worst life, it'll end one day. If that brings you hope or despair or indifference, it doesn't matter to me, it won't affect me. To you, it only matters how you feel, and to me, it only matters how I feel about it. We're strangers to one another, we can open our hearts, but never share our qualia. Someone might choose to not open their umbrella and instead dance when it rains. That's what it means to have free will.
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