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justanothersyscourse · 1 year

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Hey, I have a limited understanding of Did/OSDD, but if I’m not mistaken, many people do not even realize that they have it until it is diagnosed.

How does a person not realize that they have alters? I understand the memory loss, but isn’t it bound to be found out at some point? When do the alters get their names? Because, I’d think they had the names all along, but ofc if you don’t know there’s a alter then you can’t find out their name. If a system has lapses in memory depending on what alter is “taking the wheel” how is it possible to get to know your alters? Or is it not?

That is correct-- many people don't realize they're a system until they're diagnosed, but there are good reasons and with the age of the internet, that's quickly changing. Already, clinical and research texts are beginning to discuss the societal growth that helps people realize sooner, but let's go over how it's possible.

Before there were readily accessible system spaces and information online (and it still happens, and will continue to happen for many people) it was extremely common for people to misattribute their symptoms and explain them away as something else. The brain loves doing that. There are people that have gone their entire lives never realizing it, just explaining one thing away after another.

A huge part of DID is "amnesia for amnesia", so people don't realize they're missing time. I've found that many people I've spoken to, and the doctors I've worked with, say that in most cases alters aren't distinct prior to therapy, and it's more common for alters to be very similar to the host. It's not until you start working with those parts that they gain more substance. Before that, they're... almost like personified emotions that come out for quick periods of time, do a thing, and go back.

People usually don't realize it's even happened until someone else points it out to them. An example for myself was throwing a drink at someone after they said something stupid and then leaving. The next day someone asked what had happened and I was like, "HUH, weird, I don't remember, must have had too much to drink, I should probably look into anger management classes," and then I never did and I moved on with my life.

I know now that was an alter, and they have a pretty clear memory of that night, despite not being... Fully formed? At the time, they didn't care what their name was, they weren't thinking of who they were and what their past was-- they were triggered, they were mad, they did the thing and went home with only a vague idea of who's home that was and how to get there.

Other alters I envisioned as fully separate people. My oldest alter was the parent I always wanted and needed, and they were my little secret, they came at night and tucked me in and gave me advice. I eventually explained it away as an imaginary friend and they stopped coming around, but I'd still have these moments of, "I bet X would tell me this," but it was really X telling me that, and I was like, man, I sure talk to myself a lot.

Others were introjects that formed with names and backstories already that mirrored my experiences, but I thought they were daydreams, or I was role playing.

These are extremely common experiences, and if it wasn't for a very traumatic event, I probably might have never realized there was a problem. Not all of my "amnesia" moments were pointed out to me, I genuinely thought it wasn't as bad as it was.

After the event, I became slightly more aware of the alters and the memory problems, but it was still another year before I finally got into therapy. That was the next problem. Most doctors aren't trained in DDs, let alone DID. I went through the usual steps of misdiagnosis and trying out different medications before I finally found myself with a doctor that picked up on it. That was pure luck, and most people won't be so lucky.

Once we started working on building communication with the alters, THAT was when they started to grow as people and had more thoughts beyond, "I'm triggered". Many had or chose names that were significant, even if I didn't realize it. Sara was my best friend in grade school, and it wasn't until years later that I realized the connection. She had picked a name of someone that had been important to us during a bad time in our lives, unrelated to when she had formed.

Her "backstory" only started to grow as we dug into memories of when and why she had formed. She was a prostitute who loved her job and the power it gave her, because what better way to combat the feelings of helplessness. She was from America, unrelated to the people doing things to her, because it wasn't incest if she wasn't related to the perpetrator. She was of legal age, because yes.

Before therapy and before fostering communication, she might have had a vague idea of those things, but it was nothing solid. Little wisps of ideas that helped to make it hurt less. If she had been caught out and questioned prior to all of this, she herself might have just dissociated into oblivion and kicked out a different alter-- most likely the oldest one, the only one with any really substance, who would explain everything away to keep us safe and hidden.

Because that's the thing-- they don't want to be found out. The system usually doesn't want to be discovered.

With the growth of the internet, it's so much easier to find information on what you might be experiencing, and once you get the idea in your head, it's possible to work through it and gain some of that awareness prior to therapy. Clinical practice will change and adjust to account for this, and it'll get more and more common as time goes on.

My experience was pretty commonplace for the time, though. System spaces weren't available or accessible, and MPD/DID wasn't mainstream enough for me to be like, "huh". If all of it was only happening to me now, I don't think I'd find any use in those spaces due to my age and the ages of people usually accessing those spaces, so I probably would have brushed the possibility off, especially if I ended up in endogenic spaces.

So there you go, common reasons how/why people don't realize it, and might never realize it.

#syscourse #actuallydid #actuallyosdd #actuallytraumagenic #did #osdd

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fnafs-ex-boyfriend · 11 months

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Undertale fans. They’re annoying.

Wow, big shocker. But I’m here to discuss this very annoying problem that the UTDR fandom has in general that most other fandoms don’t have.

(Disclaimer: This post is not targeting all UTDR fans, just one annoying subset. And if the takeaway of this post is that I don’t like the Undertale fandom, you would be right. Undertale is a great game, though. Also if you are offended by this, you’re the problem, it’s you.)

I recently just learned about “Let Papyrus Say ‘Fuck’ Day”, which if you don’t know is a fanart protest internet holiday against the people who think that Papyrus is some cutesy little angel innocent baby who doesn’t have complex thoughts and emotions. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Papyrus isn’t stupid and he’s not some little innocent child. And Papyrus isn’t the only UTDR character who gets wildly misinterpreted. I could talk about Sans here, but that’s hard and I don’t wanna. So I’m gonna talk about Berdly instead.

Why did people think Berdly was an incel? Or transphobic or homophobic? The incel one is a bit more understandable, as they’re at least some evidence you could interpret, but it’s still just blatantly incorrect. In the neutral route of chapter two, not even the secret route or anything, he blatantly says out loud near the end of the route that he NEVER HAD A CRUSH ON NOELLE/WAS AFTER HER ROMANTICALLY. He literally says that he was acting so annoying to her because he thought that she had a crush on him and he was acting accordingly because he’s a socially inept teenager who doesn’t know how someone with a crush acts. So the fact that some fans would insist that that was true was so infuriating to me.

Now here’s my epic theory about how so many people misinterpret massive amounts of the games that they claim to be experts in: I think that a lot of UTDR fans haven’t played the games. Or, at least, not fully. The thing about TobyFox’s games is that he leaves a lot of lore and storytelling in very discreet, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it ways that someone who only runs through the game once will miss massive amounts of the story. And, especially with Undertale, you practically experience none of the story if you just play the game once. So my theory goes that a lot of the UTDR fans saw one playthrough online, or played a little bit of it, or watched an animated fan AU online and got really into it, leaving them vastly disconnected from the original source material.

I’m not saying this is an invalid way to get into something. For example, I’ve never played Poppy Playtime, but I still consider myself a fan! (Not of EnchantedMob, though. I have standards.). The big problem with this in the UTDR fandom is because there are SO MANY FANS like this, these people tend to act like the authority on the game, and it infuriates me as someone who’s played through both games many, many times. It’s like someone reading “My Immortal”, then went on a Harry Potter forum to say that “actually the characters wouldn’t act like this because they’re all goffic and edgy”. This makes me so annoyed I hate it so much. I’ve read every wiki page and played each game countless times but SURE, go off about how Papyrus totally wouldn’t act like that because of some edgy AU you saw.

Ugh, I’m done. This makes me so annoyed. Let me know if any of you find this irritating as well.

#undertale #deltarune #utdr #utdr fandom #utdr fandom complaint #undertale fandom #deltarune fandom #my ranting #I just needed to get this off my chest because this just is the worst part of the fandom for me. not the sans aus it’s this

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polyamorouspunk · 1 year

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I wonder if those idiots would say that to my Rromani mother who listens to Lynyrd Skynyrd and Motorhead.

A Rroma who was legally forced out of her own home by French authorities (in a literal go back to your country) in 2010 and had a brother go missing because he protested and had grandparents who died in the resistance at Birkenau. The only reason she wasn't "repatriated" to Romania (which she was never from her family had always lived in France) was due to her marriage to my American GI father. Oh yeah I was also stolen from her at three months because "gypsies make terrible mothers". Go on tell her that she deserves to die for being a "fascist" for trying to reclaim some of this imagery. I think our mothers are both better representations of punk than op.

Sorry you had to deal with that pal (pal meaning brother in Rromanes and not friend like English). *hugs*

Thank you for teaching me a bit of Romanian (is that the correct way to say it, I see some of your words have two r’s in them) culture!

I feel like personally some of “online” culture is too much “denouncing” things that are bad to make sure that you curate the perfect image online (for example: there are probably opinions and stuff I have that I will NEVER be sharing on here because I already get eaten alive on this blog for what I do share). That it’s more important to dissolve family ties and maintain a perfect image of “Punk Purity” if you will than to actually have the hard conversations about things that are not always black and white (like family ties to people who support you even while being “problematic” vs other trans punks on tumblr.com who will tell you to kill them because oopsies sometimes people uh idk aren’t perfect? SHOCKING). There’s so much EFFORT that goes into maintaining a “punk facade of perfection”. Like man it’s almost like purism but in a different way. Like instead of “we can’t have kink at pride” it’s like “can’t listen to true crime because it’s all exploitative and all of it paints cops in a good light and it’s all cop propaganda” like idk posts about that kind of stuff I see. Like make all the patches you want and post all the trans art you want but are you actually like. Nice to people. Idk.

The people who change the world and make history are not these sanitized perfect people. Having “all the right opinions” doesn’t make you punk. Being nice to people does. I’m waiting for someone to be like “actual Martin Luther King Jr. was problematic and we shouldn’t support him anymore because-” or some stupid shit like that. Like ya’ll I’m not perfect and people need to stop threatening me, sending me hate, etc. or whatever because oh my god [insert whatever drama I got dragged into this time] was problematic.

I love you, and your family, they sound like amazing tough people, I’m glad the ones that survived did to make you and I’m joining you in this little tiny moment of answering your ask to mourn the ones that didn’t. On the topic of true crime as someone who DOES listen to it (the last episode I listened to was literally just then shitting on the Bridgeport Connecticut police department and how awful they are at their jobs and talking about how systematically racist they are) I’m going to put effort into looking into some Romanian (I hope I’m saying that right) cases and maybe putting them out on my own true crime blog to bring attention to the plight that Romanian people have faced historically and still face.

#punk gets mail

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kokobopam · 1 year

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SS9 in Chile - an essay by kokobopam

It’s been two weeks since I saw Super Junior and I want to talk about it!

The thing is, initially I was going to write a little twitter thread about it, but then I had too much to say and too many things I didn’t want to forget so I decided to write a journal entry. This is something I’ve gotten used to doing after coming back from a concert I loved but they always end up on a notebook that no one else is going to see. So I thought maybe I could share a bit here.

It’s still a very long post lmao but if you read it, I hope you can enjoy some of my thoughts, feelings and impressions of SS9 in Chile.

Super Show 9 : The Road - Santiago

For those of you who don’t know, I got into kpop very recently, like, starting the pandemic. So this was a very big deal because I’ve never been to a kpop concert (I’m not counting the failed MuBank, it was a festival anyway) or seen any of my favorite groups before. In fact, aside from Super Junior, who’s been to my country twice, neither EXO nor TVXQ have been close to me ever.

Up till December, we were convinced we would get a SS9 in Argentina, but things happened —the economy, stupid production companies, just one month's notice before the show— and we weren’t as lucky this time. It had to be Chile, then.

I won’t get into details but organizing this trip in such short notice was hard as fuck, but I was feeling so depressed at the prospect of missing them and they never coming back again that I simply had to go. It worked out in the end. Even when I had to put everything together in less than two weeks and I’m gonna be paying this for the next three months, it was worth every cent.

I’ve been to many, many (non-kpop) concerts and you can tell when the artist is there to share their music, to put on a show or just to get paid. Super Junior…they’re not just idols, they’re entertainers and they’re SO GOOD at it. But you can also tell how much they love doing what they do and that love and energy is definitely contagious.

The phenomenon of Super Junior becoming one of the biggest kpop groups in Latin America —more than a decade ago, before kpop went “mainstream” — is something to talk about on another post but I do believe we have a special relationship with them, otherwise this wouldn’t be their third time visiting in a decade and filling 15k - 20k venues, even on weekdays in some cases.

And I know, I know, speeches get repeated and the same words translated into different languages but you can tell when someone’s being honest about their feelings. They didn’t shy out about the fact that the flight had left them exhausted, that their bodies ached or that the jet lag was taking a toll on them but they still left everything on stage and made sure to tell us again and again how much energy they gained from us.

So in return we sang and cheered for them as loud as we could and gave them all the love we have. I came back home feeling incredibly in love with Latam ELFs, I swear.

Let’s get to the concert then.

I already knew most of the setlist but I still was blown away when the show began with Burn the Floor. This was probably one of the performances I was anticipating the most —ever since I watched the beginning of their tour in Seoul online— and finally experiencing it in person was absolutely incredible. This song and the stage production, with all the outfits and lights and red ropes (puppet strings!), was definitely one of the reasons I became an ELF so I was so glad they didn’t take it from the setlist.

They did change the setlist, though, and removed the Ticky Tocky-Paradox-Mystery section which I really wanted to see live. BUT I’m not complaining. In exchange they added One More Time and Lo Siento which everyone sang really loud, specially the choruses and parts in spanish. It was so much fun! And they also did Devil, Mango and Mamacita (the full regular ver! instead of the opera one) in those sexy black outfits, so yeah that was neat.

The third part of the show was soft boys time <3 Yesung sang Small Things and he was the only member to do a solo. It was very sweet that he got the chance to do so, given that he didn’t have a lot of time to promote the album before coming to latam. I hope he enjoyed the spotlight even if we weren’t the best at the fan chant lol.

I don’t know how to explain this, but up to this point I had been very focused on the performances. Maybe it’s because it had been over a decade since the last time I saw any kind of pop group with men dancing on stage, or maybe because for all the previous acts they had been wearing color coordinated outfits so it was a bit hard to tell them apart from afar (I wasn’t close to the stage); but the thing is, listening to K.R.Y. live absolutely broke me.

It’s like my brain finally caught up with the fact that I was actually listening to them singing live in front of me and, god, I was positively overwhelmed. Kyuhyun’s and Ryeowook’s voices are some of my favorites in kpop and being able to hear them in person..I cried for real. I’m a sucker for singers and I still get goosebumps thinking about it. They’re out of this world, the three of them.

And another thing a friend pointed out was that it was their first time performing as a subunit in latam —Yesung wasn’t present the first time in 2013 and KyuWook were missing in 2018—so yeah, very surreal. I feel so lucky.

Part four of the show was what I’d been really really anticipating the whole time. Because when would I ever have the chance to see D&E or experience Bonamana rock ver. again?

It was HOT.

D&E are insane live. They have this crazily explosive stage presence that forces you to keep your eyes fixed on them because you don’t want to miss anything. They performed B.A.D and Danger and seeing them dance and flirt with the audience…I just couldn’t believe it. I hope they consider coming back in the future with their own tour because I wouldn’t miss the chance to see them.

After that, the rest of the members joined them for Black Suit and Bonamana.

Ngl, I’ve been saving Bonamana Leeteuk fancams (you know which ones) since the beginning of their tour, but seeing the real thing live, I’m pretty sure I got a nose bleed. I also had Leeteuk, Kyuhyun and Hyukjae on my side of the stage so I was screaming my lungs out the entire time. They’re so sexy, all of them, and they went full rockstars with this performance which wasn’t good for my health. I’m still recovering.

Finally, they started the last bit of the show with the Analog Radio self recorded video which made me cry again (don’t judge me, I was really emotional).

This last encore is where they show up with their hand drawn t-shirts (cute!!), sing some meaningful but fun songs and do their final ments. It was really sweet that they took their time to walk the entire stage sending hearts and kisses, waving at fans and interacting with them. Ryeowook even forgot to sing his part in a song because he was sitting down, signing albums haha my boy.

Their ments were also cute and fun and heartfelt. And they made a real effort to communicate in our language and let us know how much they’d missed us and that, despite being tired, they were happy to be there.

Special mention to Kyuhyun, my spanish speaking king, giving his entire speech like a local and going crazy for an inflatable whiskey bottle (x) after we sang him happy birthday lmao.

They closed the show with Ahora te puedes marchar, a total party with every single person singing along, said goodbye again, and that was it. The best two hours and a half of my life.

I came back home with many great memories and new elf friends which feels so good because there aren’t many kpop stans my age with the same music tastes where I live. So it was really lovely being able to share this with other people, specially since many of us had to travel very far away to see them. It was the best kind of bonding experience and I do love meeting people at concerts.

I’m still very emotional about everything. Following the rest of the tour stops in latam kept me on a SS9 high for a week and now I’m slowly coming back to reality, feeling like it was all a dream.

At least I know I didn’t imagine it, because just yesterday EunHae were posting a bunch of videos and pics about the tour with cute messages, so, we’re all going through it haha.

Thank you for reading this far. I know it’s probably too long but I love Super Junior with all my heart and I couldn’t fit that in a 280 character tweet.

I’m already making plans with my new elf friends to see them again so I hope they come back soon. And I hope next time it’s in my country.

#seriously thank you for reading #any elf friends around?#if you want to comment anything about it send me a message!#super junior #ss9 #latam #kyuhyun #leeteuk #ryeowook #donghae #hyukjae #yesung #shindong #siwon

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corrodedcoughin · 1 year

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hi anna i hope you're doing well <3 i wanted to share a bit about my experience with burn out from your recent post. last year I was attending school and a lot of big moments were happening in my personal life. all of that plus the workload, commute, etc. left me feeling burnt out to the point of severe depression :/ your body is constantly tired and you just feel empty regardless of how your try to surround yourself with good things. could be people or food or music or a show but once you feel utterly wrung out, it's hard to feel much of anything else. i know for me it kind of manifested in unhealthy habits to just kind of quickly get through the day, a shot sleep schedule, and for me to start obsessing over little crap that really wasn't all that important. all my time was being used to work or overthink myself into a panic and it just made me feel completely isolated from family, friends, peers, and i left that term feeling stupid and useless.

the best way i try to go around my burnout is for one, to not push myself through it. yeah it all seems hopeless now but is my problem today gonna be the same in a month? a year? i try to think outside the present moment because sometims you might not even realize you have tunnel vision until you actually get out of the tunnel.

my hobbies are still gonna be there when i want to enjoy them but my body and health are what need to be my first priority. a lot of my hobbies were related to tumblr/ao3 or just being online in general so I decided to quit. for around three months I stayed off my socials and deleted apps like tiktok and instagram and decided to stick to the least attention grabbing apps i like. even then i made an effort to stay off my phone as long as i could. it may sound kinda dumb but lowering screentime actually really does help reduce anxiety and i find i don't miss those apps at all.

and for me my burnout was largely being caused from school and I realized that this wasn't the right path for me at all. so i quit because nothing, no matter how seemingly important, should make me feel so horrible. I mean it's not even sadness or exhaustion it's emptiness. you feel nothing and everything and it aches and you just end up ruining all the good things you have by trying to ignore it and push through.

another thing that helped was finding stuff for me to do in my personal life whether that was getting a new job, cleaning the house, cooking a meal, or finding a new love for movies. I prioritized myself and i feel good. It took me about 6 months but I got there and it's worth it. I don't feel isolated or as exhuasted as before and life feels good again, my hobbies feel good again.

I hope you know you're not alone when it comes to feeling this way and i hope you take care 💌 happy easter or just have a happy april

Hello! I’m going to put a bunch of stuff under a read more but before I do that I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to even notice/read the things i posted and then writing this. I’m so, so glad that you are feeling better now and that you were able to do that for yourself. It sounds like you really figured out what you needed and it worked and knowing that it does work is so reassuring. So just thank you. For being kind to me and to yourself and sharing. I’m so glad you are here and if you ever want to talk be it silly or serious, my dms are always open.

You are so completely right about social media. I’ve had Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat deleted for a couple of years now. Covid pushed me over the edge with them and the relief of not having them there anymore is incredible. I have tiktok but go on it maybe for a week straight then don’t touch it for a few months. Idk it’s not great at holding my interest.

But yeah tumblr has been a bit of a difficulty for me, hence the dropping out for days at a time. Keeping up with things/engaging and needing to do it ‘right’ is so much more mentally straining than you realise until it’s just one more thing to push you over the edge. Even when I wasn’t replying to messages/asks I would be online trying to keep at track of things so I could ‘do my reblogging duty right’ when I eventually did feel good enough mentally to come back and it’s so STUPID. like!!! Nobody cares if I interact with their posts!! Nobody!!! I just internalised and spiralled a bunch of things from other parts of my life into here too!

Work has been really bad for at least six months now and it’s so hard. Then self doubt over looking into Autism and other mental health stuff as well as gender and trying to keep up with the gym and step targets and feeling bad for not being social every single hour of my day like my very extroverted brother has just really pushed me down into a hole. You don’t realise how many things are going on until they smack you over like a wave and then it’s like ‘oh boy, I can’t get up. And I don’t want to because I’ll just be pushed down again’

Eventually I started just taking my car down to the sea and reading a physical book instead of being online. It’s helped. It’s not sorted things but it’s helped.

My hobbies are primarily online too so I have an idea of where you are coming from, won’t say I understand because everyone is different but I get it. The temptation really IS to push through. I actually said to my only coworker ‘I just need to make it to the end of April. Then I can think about getting signed off if I /really/ need to but I won’t. It’ll be fine’ I don’t know why!! The job doesn’t care back!

I won’t bore you with all the details but it’s been Wild and knowing that you got through the other side is genuinely a light at the end of the tunnel. So thank you for sharing your experience. School is so hard, the first time I went I had to leave for mental health reasons or face hospital admission. I mean it when I say I’m so proud of you for making that decision. Truly. I wish you nothing but ease for the next section of your life, you deserve it. I hope you’ve found a new favourite movie or genre or just general joy in the new hobby! Would love to hear more about that or absolutely anything you have to say, your words are very easy to read and hold a lot of happiness in them. Thank you again and good luck with your new job if you have one or the search if you are looking!

#anon #keep #do not lose #💌#sorry anon this is going in my special message tag never to be forgotten becuase I Need It #if you d rather I didn’t post just let me know and I’ll delete it after pasting it into my notes app #I came back online yesterday and read your ask and it just calmed me down so much I don’t think I can thank you enough

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literaryoblivion · 1 year

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Abandoned WIP-SuperWolf Crossover

I’ll tag them with #my abandoned WIPs to organize it. If you see any and are so inspired by any of these to either create you own or finish, PLEASE tag me! I’d love to see if someone was able to take it and run with it since it stalled out for me.

SuperWolf Crossover AU with #Destiel & #sterek where Dean and Stiles are demons, and Cas is a hunter, and Derek is still himself (it would've followed events of TW S1 to a certain extent)

(A/N: This was meant to be a Supernatural/Teen Wolf crossover AU w/ both #destiel & #sterek. Demon!Dean is training brand new demon!Stiles how to be a demon. It would've followed the events of TW S1 only Stiles would know everything was supernatural & they'd recruit Hunter!Cas to help)

“Really?” Dean says with a look of pure disdain at the teenager standing before him.

“What?” the kid replies, his mouth in a little smirk.

“Of all the people you could possess, you pick some snotty brat high schooler?”

“If you think about it, it’s kind of fitting doncha think? If I’m going to demon school, might as well look the part, yeah? Besides, this kid is a genius, and all this kid has is a dad, which is a lot better than the little brother you made your guy leave behind all those years ago.”

Dean narrows his eyes because even though he could care less about the brother, with every mention of him the man inside screams, and it gives him a headache. It’s been a long while, and Dean and the man whose life he hijacked have grown to accept each other.

But with every slight indication of Sam, the man’s brother, he decides to flare up, which is really annoying if Dean’s being honest. “Whatever. This kid have a name or you going to make one up?”

“He goes by Stiles, and I kind of like it, so I’m keeping it. He’s pretty cool. We’re pretty similar, you know? I think he’s starting to get used to me.”

Dean clears his throat. “Alright, Stiles, Demon 101 first lesson. Tap into his mind to access information and background history, but you can’t let yourself go too much or he could overtake you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it.” Stiles closes his eyes in concentration to perform the task.

“Okay, whaddya got? Who’re his friends? Family? Hobbies?”

His eyes still closed, Stiles starts spouting off information, “Goes to Beacon Hills High School, where his favorite subject is English. He’s had a crush on a girl named Lydia with strawberry blonde hair since middle school, but she doesn’t give him the time of day. His best friend is named Scott, and they are both on the school lacrosse team, but Stiles always ends up on the bench.

“Man, poor kid. It is a good thing I came along to help him out. When I’m through, he’s going to be the star player and get the girl!”

“Stiles, focus,” Dean says, a little exasperated.

“Well, I mean it’s the least I can do right? That’s cool, yeah? That’s allowed? Helping the possessee out a little?” Stiles opens his eyes, solid black pupils reflecting the street lamp nearby, and looks up at Dean.

Dean rolls his eyes. “You can do whatever you want. If you want to feel better about yourself, fine. Can we get back to…” he says waving his hand for Stiles to continue with the lesson.

“Oh, right. Okay, umm let me see here. He had a mom, but she died of cancer when he was younger. His dad is the town sheriff, and he likes playing video games especially this fantasy one online—“

“What did you say?” Dean shouts, cutting him off.

“It’s some roleplaying game where they battle mythical—“

“NO. Not the stupid game. Did you just say this kid’s dad is the Sheriff?!”

“Oh… ummm yes? In my defense, I did not know that ‘til just now.”

Dean rubs his hand over his face. “You idiot. Not only do we have to worry about hunters tracking us, now we gotta worry about cops! That face,” Dean points to Stiles, circling his finger to indicate Stiles’s face, “is going to be plastered everywhere because not only is this kid going to be missing, but his Sheriff dad isn’t going to stop looking for him. Ever.”

“Dude, I’m sorry! I didn’t know, okay? And… who says this kid is going to go missing?” he says, one eyebrow lifting up like he just had an idea.

“I don’t like that look. Stop. Look, kid, you’re just going to have to come out and possess someone with a few more years on him that doesn’t have relatives in law enforcement.”

“But I like this one! No, hear me out. Let’s stay here a while. I’ll go to school and do everything he normally does, and then I’ll sneak out and you can be my demon Yoda at night.”

“Demon Yoda?” Dean deadpans. “Sneaking out every night doesn’t sound like a better plan.”

“What? Of course it does! Teenagers always sneak out. Plus I’m the son of a Sheriff, that’s like textbook cause for rebellion. Dean, come on, this is a good plan. No one knows you here. You can get a job and an apartment. You know… settle down a little before you beg your hunter lover to come find you.”

Suddenly angry, Dean lunges forward, grabbing Stiles’s throat and wrapping his hand around it.

Stiles flails a little in surprise, but he’s wearing a smirk on his face and shows no sign of Dean’s tightening hand having any effect on him. “Excuse me? You don’t have a fucking clue what you are talking about.”

“Oh I don’t, huh? That’s why you’re choking me? Cause I’m clueless? Which may I point out, probably not a good idea for a grown man to be choking an innocent teenager whose dad is the sheriff. Might be hard for you to make friends around here…”

Dean slowly loosens his grip around Stiles’s throat, but his hand stays pressed against the boy’s neck. “You don’t know anything about Cas, and if you say another fucking word about him, I’ll send you straight back to hell myself.”

“Geez, don’t get your panties in a twist. Didn’t know it was such a sensitive subject for you. I mean I’m not judging. Fool around with whoever you want; I might be new to this, but even I know it’s a rare occurrence that a hunter would rather jump your bones than send you back to hell.”

Dean makes a move like he’s going to punch him, but Stiles throws up his hands in apology. “Hey, again I don’t care. Get with who you want. I just hope for your sake it doesn’t go south like that one demon that tried to put the moves on that angel Balthazar. And here I thought demons were supposed to be the deceitful cheating ones.” Dean looks a little taken aback by this information.

Clearly he’s been out of the loop for a while and hadn’t heard anything about someone trying to hook up with an angel. He knew plenty well what dicks angels could be, had heard about it from Castiel occasionally. “Cas wouldn’t do that. We have a mutually beneficial relationship, and if that changes, believe me, I won’t be sticking around long enough to see where the fall-out lands.”

“Yeah okay,” Stiles says, taking a step back from Dean and straightening his shirt. “I hope he knows that,” he murmurs under his breath.

Dean hears it, but he doesn’t comment. He’s already embarrassed himself with how attached he is to Castiel, he doesn’t need any more.

#my abandoned WIPs #sterek #deancas #this is one of the longer ones and I really liked it but I just don't see myself continuing #if it inspires you to write something please tag me!

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paradisecas · 2 years

Text

heating up macking cheese in the michael wave

@midamoulweek day 5: date night

ghoul as a cucumber- dont forget date night tonight. ill kill you if you do

potassium adam- damn again?

ghoul as a cucumber- yes again. hurry home after work, lover <3

michaelwave- Okay.

ghoul as a cucumber- you can take your time actually.

—

ghoul as a cucumber- helloooo i SAID its date night

ghoul as a cucumber- adam when are you coming hooome your dinner is getting cold :(

ghoul as a cucumber- i made pastaaaaa

potassium adam- ah shit ghoul I’m sorry

potassium adam- I’m still at workkk I forgot abt a stupid meeting I have to go to

potassium adam- michael are u gonna be home soon?

michaelwave- I will also be late. Jack and I are working on repairing something.

ghoul as a cucumber- ooooh what broke in heaven

michaelwave- It’s nothing that concerns you, nor is it something your tiny mind could comprehend.

ghoul as a cucumber- youd tell adam :(

michaelwave- Yeah, because Adam is smart.

potassium adam- lmfao

ghoul as a cucumber- 8’(

potassium adam- I’ll explain it to u l8r

ghoul as a cucumber- 8’)

potassium adam- ok meeting time. bye. be nice.

ghoul as a cucumber- i miss you already

michaelwave- I am also turning off my phone. Try not to burn the house down.

michaelwave- Again.

ghoul as a cucumber- i dont miss you ever

ghoul as a cucumber- also i literally already made the food how would i burn the house down now

michaelwave- I think you could find a way.

—

ghoul as a cucumber- sigh

ghoul as a cucumber- siiiiiiigh

ghoul as a cucumber- SIIIGH

ghoul as a cucumber- :(

ghoul as a cucumber- poor ghoul. so alone.

ghoul as a cucumber- he made dinner for his lovely boyfriend

ghoul as a cucumber- and his boyfriends pitiful little creature

ghoul as a cucumber- and now hes just sitting at home allll alone

ghoul as a cucumber- its date night but who is here to be his date?

ghoul as a cucumber- 8’(((((((

michaelwave- Shut up.

ghoul as a cucumber- SSSIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHH

ghoul as a cucumber- i am sooo lonely

ghoul as a cucumber- oh it is reminding me of my youth…

ghoul as a cucumber- alone in a graveyard… digging for scraps…

michaelwave- Shut UP. Nobody cares.

potassium adam- ok jeez I’m here I’ll talk to u

potassium adam- if I get caught not paying attention and lose my job that’s on u

ghoul as a cucumber- i will take those odds!!

ghoul as a cucumber- i have a question. if i was a worm would you still love me

potassium adam- u already are a worm

ghoul as a cucumber- i was afraid you’d say that.

potassium adam- what does that even mean tho

ghoul as a cucumber- its a thing online

michaelwave- You spend too much time on the internet.

ghoul as a cucumber- so bossy

ghoul as a cucumber- what else am i sposed to do all day

potassium adam- u could start a garden

michaelwave- You could work on altering your entire personality.

ghoul as a cucumber- wow rude

michaelwave- :/

potassium adam- play nice

ghoul as a cucumber- okay dad ;)

potassium adam- STOPP

potassium adam- not u too

ghoul as a cucumber- oh lmao right with the

michaelwave- I’ll smite you.

ghoul as a cucumber- i will not take those odds

potassium adam- no smiting on date night

potassium adam- michael we’ve been over this

michaelwave- I will restrain myself tonight, I suppose.

ghoul as a cucumber- :)>

potassium adam- why does he hav a beard

ghoul as a cucumber- ugh i wanted him to have a sharp tooth

ghoul as a cucumber- so it would be me. im trying to show you im a silly little rapscallion who doesnt deserve to be smote or abandoned on date night

potassium adam- ur not abandoned smh

potassium adam- and u won’t be smote

ghoul as a cucumber- is this any better :P>

michaelwave- How would that be any better?

ghoul as a cucumber- UGH i know

ghoul as a cucumber- michael use your powers to make some punctuation i can use to make a sharp tooth

michaelwave- No.

ghoul as a cucumber- come onnnn

michaelwave- I can’t actually do everything.

ghoul as a cucumber- useless

michaelwave- It sounds like you only want me for my powers.

ghoul as a cucumber- yes? is this news to you somehow?

michaelwave- Adam :(

potassium adam- I mean…

potassium adam- they r def a plus

ghoul as a cucumber- no you have to side with him or he’ll never help us again

michaelwave- I don’t even want to do date night anymore.

michaelwave- Certainly not with a wretched creature like you.

potassium adam- like me?

michaelwave- No! Of course not.

michaelwave- You are the opposite of a creature.

ghoul as a cucumber- whipped lol

potassium adam- I’m not even sure what the opposite of a creature is

michaelwave- I think I’ll stay in Heaven tonight.

potassium adam- noo it’s date night

michaelwave- :(

potassium adam- :)

michaelwave- :/

potassium adam- :D

michaelwave- :)

potassium adam- <3

ghoul as a cucumber- gross gross gross gross

ghoul as a cucumber- you two are worse than that middle schooler i ate

ghoul as a cucumber- literally how is it you spent a thousand fucking years together and you still act like middle schoolers with a crush

potassium adam- ugh don’t talk abt eating kids. blocked.

ghoul as a cucumber- heyy :( she was already dead

ghoul as a cucumber- blocking me is not going to solve your problems

potassium adam- I can’t hear you ur blocked

ghoul as a cucumber- how did you know i even said anything

potassium adam- michael I think my phone’s broken I keep getting notifications but no messages? :/

ghoul as a cucumber- wow adam youre soo funny

potassium adam- thank you :-)

ghoul as a cucumber- am i unblocked now?

michaelwave- He has selective hearing.

michaelwave- Selective reading too, I suppose.

ghoul as a cucumber- and you know this becauseee

michaelwave- The aforementioned thousand years together?

potassium adam- michael used to be a real assho

ghoul as a cucumber- ass hoe lol

michaelwave- But you love me now, right?

ghoul as a cucumber- no he loves ME now

michaelwave- Adam I’m not an assho anymore right.

michaelwave- Adam :(

ghoul as a cucumber- youre still an assho and he hates you

michaelwave- :((

potassium adam- sorry the boss walked by

michaelwave- You don’t hate me now do you?

potassium adam- no michael, I don’t hate you

ghoul as a cucumber- i hate him

potassium adam- I know u do

michaelwave- You didn’t say you love me :(

potassium adam- I love u

michaelwave- I love you too :)

ghoul as a cucumber- lmao michael youre so pathetic

michaelwave- Why just me?

michaelwave- Not that I want you to call Adam pathetic.

potassium adam- whipped

ghoul as a cucumber- i actually like adam so

potassium adam- harsh

potassium adam- also. whipped

potassium adam- I like u too :)

ghoul as a cucumber- great we all like each other

michaelwave- Not all of us.

ghoul as a cucumber- cool

ghoul as a cucumber- anyway i am still all alone

ghoul as a cucumber- that hasnt been fixed

potassium adam- I couldn’t miss this meeting :(

potassium adam- sorry 4 being so late :((

michaelwave- Look what you did. You made him sad.

ghoul as a cucumber- he made me sad first!

potassium adam- D:

ghoul as a cucumber- at least youre texting me

ghoul as a cucumber- its almost like we’re together <3

potassium adam- ugh :^/ boss almost caught me on my phone earlier and now he’s staring at me

potassium adam- I might have 2 actually actually pay attention

ghoul as a cucumber- and not text me?

potassium adam- it’s like u want me 2 lose my job

ghoul as a cucumber- the alternative is dying of loneliness adam

ghoul as a cucumber- if you dont pay attention to me for five minutes surely i will perish

ghoul as a cucumber- haha

ghoul as a cucumber- sound like someone you know?

michaelwave- I wish you would perish.

ghoul as a cucumber- uh oh looks like someone ate the pasta i so lovingly cooked for you

michaelwave- I don't even need to eat.

potassium adam- boss is standing up I gtg michael u pay attention 2 him

michaelwave- Why :(

potassium adam- ghoul don’t eat my dinner :’(

ghoul as a cucumber- i would never eat your dinner <3

potassium adam- precedence says that’s a lie but I’ll believe u rn

potassium adam- ok bye

ghoul as a cucumber- soooo mikey ;) youre paying attention to me now?

michaelwave- Don't call me Mikey.

michaelwave- And I’d rather you die of loneliness.

ghoul as a cucumber- eating your dinner isnt enough

ghoul as a cucumber- im going to eat your wings next time i see you

michaelwave- That’s physically impossible.

michaelwave- You can't even see my wings.

ghoul as a cucumber- you’re no funnn

ghoul as a cucumber- addaaammmm come baacckkk

michaelwave- He’s busy.

ghoul as a cucumber- you’re doing surprisingly well for not having all his attention on you right now

michaelwave- I’m not an incompetent.

michaelwave- I can handle allowing Adam to attend his meeting. Without complaining.

ghoul as a cucumber- bull

ghoul as a cucumber- was it not you who pitched such a fit when he was late for the date night you were in charge of that you kidnapped him from work and had to erase a bunch of peoples memories

michaelwave- I don't know what you’re talking about.

ghoul as a cucumber- adam your pathetic baby is lying again

michaelwave- You already lied to him!

ghoul as a cucumber- i wouldn’t eat his dinner that iiii made!

ghoul as a cucumber- im not a monster

michaelwave- I beg to differ.

ghoul as a cucumber- i like it when you beg ;)

potassium adam- ok boss is looking at someone else now

potassium adam- could the 2 of you behave for 1 minute

michaelwave- I don’t think it’s possible for Ghoul to behave ever.

ghoul as a cucumber- you know mikey’s real good at behaving ;)

michaelwave- I hate you.

michaelwave- And don't call me Mikey.

michaelwave- You know I hate that.

potassium adam- don't call him mikey it’ll only provoke him

ghoul as a cucumber- stop siding with him :(

potassium adam- and michael don't call him a monster it's rude

ghoul as a cucumber- yeah !! B)

michaelwave- Adam, he ate you.

ghoul as a cucumber- heyy

ghoul as a cucumber- you’re the one who dragged him to hell

potassium adam- yes yes you’ve both done terrible things 2 me

potassium adam- for how often u remind me of that it’s almost like u want me to find someone else

michaelwave- Adam!

ghoul as a cucumber- nooo

ghoul as a cucumber- you’re so sexy dont break up with me

ghoul as a cucumber- i really didn’t eat your dinner

potassium adam- I’m not breaking up w/ u smh

michaelwave- I can behave!

ghoul as a cucumber- yeah i already said that

potassium adam- u behave too

ghoul as a cucumber- i am sitting at home in front of two plates of very delicious pasta being very well behaved

michaelwave- Somehow, I doubt that.

ghoul as a cucumber- im even wearing the maid costume

potassium adam- whyy did u buy that

potassium adam- and why r u wearing it now

ghoul as a cucumber- i bought it because i thought michael would look nice in it

ghoul as a cucumber- ‘,:)

ghoul as a cucumber- eyebrow lift

potassium adam- nice

ghoul as a cucumber- thanks

michaelwave- Ugh.

ghoul as a cucumber- anyway im wearing it because he wouldnt and SOMEONE has to

ghoul as a cucumber- it was just sitting there collecting dust

ghoul as a cucumber- like i am right now :(

michaelwave- UGH.

ghoul as a cucumber- plus im a homemaker arent i? so it’s better for me anyway. i know i look better in it than michael would

michaelwave- I’ll kill you.

potassium adam- I bet u do ;)

ghoul as a cucumber- what happened to behaving

michaelwave- You rotten little creature.

ghoul as a cucumber- whoa keep it in your pants buddy

michaelwave- That is NOT what’s appening here.

ghoul as a cucumber- no need to play coy, we all know im your favorite ;)

potassium adam- hey :”(

potassium adam- I’M supposed to be the favorite

michaelwave- Do you seriously think I could ever prefer that wretched thing over you?

ghoul as a cucumber- idk mikey our sexual tension is through the roof

michaelwave- Lies and slander.

michaelwave- And don’t call me Mikey!!

potassium adam- ghoul what did I just tell u abt that!

ghoul as a cucumber- ugh just do your meeting

ghoul as a cucumber- i will suffer all on my own :( </3

potassium adam- thank u. I think we’re wrapping up should be like half an hour

potassium adam- ok?

michaelwave- I will remain in Heaven until you are home

potassium adam- are u done?

michaelwave- As much as we can be for now.

potassium adam- then why not go home rn?

michaelwave- You want me to behave, yes?

potassium adam- ok yeah that's fair

potassium adam- wait until I’m home

potassium adam- and please dont smite ghoul on sight

michaelwave- You ask so much of me.

ghoul as a cucumber- you smite me again i eat your wings i mean it

ghoul as a cucumber- fry em up

ghoul as a cucumber- crispy and golden brown

ghoul as a cucumber- finger lickin good

ghoul as a cucumber- just like adam ;P

michaelwave- That's IT.

ghoul as a cucumber- nooo it was just a jöke ;(

michaelwave- Your jokes make me sick.

ghoul as a cucumber- you make me sick

michaelwave- I am trying to behave.

michaelwave- We can be civil for date night, yes?

ghoul as a cucumber- just for the date part

ghoul as a cucumber- if you wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of me cooking up your wings just know you deserve it

michaelwave- I don’t sleep.

michaelwave- There is no way I’m not smiting you tonight.

ghoul as a cucumber- you can try allll u like

ghoul as a cucumber- but no smiting on date night :) thems the rules

michaelwave- No threatening to eat me on date night either.

ghoul as a cucumber- booo thats no fun

ghoul as a cucumber- youre supposed to be dessert

michaelwave- I’m not talking to you anymore.

—

potassium adam- ok FINALLY the stupid meeting is over and I am otw home

michaelwave- Would you like an escort?

potassium adam- if u wouldn't mind <3

ghoul as a cucumber- you never offer to fly ME anywhere

michaelwave- I’ll fly you to Purgatory anytime.

ghoul as a cucumber- it’s a date <3

ghoul as a cucumber- adam should i take off the maid costume

ghoul as a cucumber- is michael actually gonna smite me again

potassium adam- I won't let him

potassium adam- ….

potassium adam- keep it on.

#midamoulweek #sorry for being cringe im feeling very 16 w this #i am a creature of nostalgia or whatever #thats the excuse im going w #anyway #few thing #potassium adam comes from a website that gave me 'puns' that were really just 'rhymes'#and its. potsasium alum or something #but potassium adam kills me #ghoul as a cucumber from the sme webbed site #also #i think if they saw the michael wave post. it would change everyones lives #mine #my writing #potassium adam makes this whole fic worth it to me #not sfw #<- i forgot what i wrote sorry

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inkofamethyst · 1 year

Text

April 24, 2023

The expectation of perfection is what got me to where I am, but it is, unfortunately, an impossible standard to reach. One that becomes both harder to maintain and harder to relinquish with time. (I am overreacting. I forgot the deadline for one (1) online quiz assignment in cell bio which is entirely graded on participation and now I can’t even get partial credit EVEN THOUGH I LITERALLY FINISHED IT LONG BEFORE IT WAS DUE but I just didn’t submit it for some reason?? like an idiot gaaaAHHhhh this is even worse than forgetting to do the assignment altogether oh my god. All I want is an A in this class so I can graduate with latin stinking honors (because for whatever reason my uni’s cutoffs are way higher than everywhere else’s it seems) and wear that special stupid special tassel and these dumb quizzes were easy points to buffer any “poor” exam performance (for the record, I have gotten an A+ on the two previous exams, but who knows what the third one might bring (ahem, I suspect Ctrl+F will be just as useful but WHO KNOWS)) but now I just have to be way more careful (it’s really funny to write this, actually, because I’ll read this back in a few years, smile, shake my head, and recognize that this is a very small thing in the grand scheme of things to be pressed about, like, odds are, I’m going to be just fine, I’m just feeling my feelings very intensely right now).)

And along similar lines, I also recognize that it is unreasonable to consider my attendance at the conference a failure based on the fact that I could not complete one singular goal despite the many, many positive things I did while I was there (I learned (so much)! I caught up with friends/peers/colleagues/mentors (and made new ones)! My presentation went well!), but I feel like a failure because I didn’t manage to introduce myself to the one person I knew I wanted to meet. I had a plan and everything, but the singular dude I wanted to meet didn’t stay in the room after his talk so I lost him entirely. I memorized his outfit and everything on the off chance I missed him after the session and I literally didn’t see him the entire rest of the day. It’s like... I’m an adult and I couldn’t handle finding and introducing myself to one person? Unreasonable amounts of self-doubt and disappointment are creeping in :/ (Realistically and logically, anything could have happened to make it so that we were somehow never in the same spaces at the same times, and this is unnecessary pressure to put on myself, but, as I mentioned before, I have these terribly high expectations (Great Expectations, if you will) and might be crushing myself under their weight.)

Anyway, I just feel a little out of control again, today. And the worst part is that Life is just like this. All the time. I cannot expect to be in control of everything that will impact me. Hate that.

But yeah. The conference was good. Not much to say on that front, really. A little less exciting than last year’s (March 27, 2022) because it wasn’t my first and I was also presenting on something that I didn’t care that much about (the topic was interesting! just not a field I see myself going into, really). Very thankful that I knew more people this time, though I still felt like enough of a relative baby in the discipline to feel really awkward while walking around sometimes. It was nice to be invited out to places though :)

Thankful for the opportunity to attend a national conference two years in a row and present there as an undergraduate. Invaluable opportunity. Also thankful that I didn’t have to pay for travel or lodging because my current research advisor had enough funding to handle it for me. Also also thankful to have not been the only student from my uni this year!!! Also also also thankful that my current research advisor is a genuinely caring person and fought for us to all get home on time when our travel plans ran into trouble.

Can’t wait to present again at my uni so I can be done with this topic once and for all (and this upcoming presentation will be so much easier in comparison bc I won’t be surrounded by literal experts (I had like two literal experts come up to me and pester me (it wasn’t mean lol I actually really appreciated their input and poignant questions, as afraid of them as I was))). I really am more of a bones girlie anyway.

Lastly, I mustered up my courage and wore a long skirt today!! It’s one of the ones I thrifted (and it’s a lil busted in some places ngl), and I got a lot of compliments on it today which was lovely :) I still need a slip, but this was a start.

[edit, one hour later: AAAAA ALSO ONLY THREE MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOOOOOL]

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rejectofsociety · 2 years

Text

Alright I got thoughts and I’m tired of not saying them

Honestly, I want to like the Stranger Things fandom. I enjoy the show (even though the writing is terrible) and I adore the characters and their relationships. But fucking hell the fandom is exhausting. Fighting over ships-- like Byler vs Mileven, Steddie vs Hellcheer (the worst shipping war of all imo)-- like children is ridiculous. Enjoy your ships, if you don’t like it scroll past it, understand it’s just a show, and quite frankly, who fucking cares. If you don’t like the end game, go into your little hole where you control your online experience, and read and write and enjoy the art of the ending you want. Quit fighting each other, you look stupid as hell. When it comes to shipping Eddie especially, that gets horrific. Steddie and Edissy or Hellcheer or whatever shippers are at each other’s throat so, so bad. Eddie’s dead for one, get over it. For two, he had great chemistry with everyone, but he also had very little screen time. He had extremely little screen time with Chrissy, and few interactions with Steve. Sorry, but Eddie doesn’t exist for romance. He’s a fucking gift and I love him because we have so, so much in common ad maybe that’s why the shipping battles with him piss me off especially. I just wanna enjoy his character but all the fans are so fucking weird about him, and they shove their ships down everybody’s throats and give a very aggressive fuck you to anyone who disagrees. I’ve gotten people in my inboxes demanding to know who I ship Eddie with and fuck you I just wanna be happy to see a fellow metalhead school freak who struggles in school. I’m not saying people shouldn’t have their ships, I’m just saying people have got to be more mature about their ships.

Aside from that, some of the headcanons are kinda. Exhausting? Like, there’s all these long, intricate headcanons, a lot of them are heavily ship-based, and many of them stray really far from what we’ve been presented in canon. I read these headcanons and, congrats on the creativity, but where are you getting this? How does this relate in anyway to the source material? Having headcanons is fine, I got plenty, but some of these are really reaching and yet they get so popular. Plus, they overpower actual conversations about the show. And quite frankly, I’d much rather read an in-depth, sensical interpretation of a scene based on exactly what we were given. I loved Will’s speech to Mike in the van, let’s talk about that more. I love the parts where Lucas is really trying to reach Max and let her know he loves her, let’s talk about that! In general, let’s talk more about relationships that exist and are healthy like Max and Lucas instead of trying to prove who Steve or Eddie or whatever is in love with. I miss just being able to talk about the show and actually talk about the show.

“You control your online experience” so true and I’m a deep believer that you’re responsible for what you see on the internet. But the thing is with the Stranger Things fandom is that these things are so, so prevalent it’s really hard to work your way around them. Enjoy fandom however, have your headcanons, have your ships, but stop fucking fighting each other over this shit, be more mature about your ship, and please for fuck’s stake don’t forget the source material.

#anyhoo #Stranger things #stranger things 4 #fandom culture

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universalfanfic · 2 years

Text

Here it is!

Sutton meets Frank and doubtlessly creates problems she'll have to help fix later.

Edit: Sutton saw more of the MCU in this AU bc I think it’s more fun.

Sutton sat curled up in the back corner of the meat freezer she was locked in. The frigid air bit at the bruises and scratches that marred her face and legs as she continued to shiver. She was so cold. Sutton wiped tears away before they could freeze.

All it took was a couple wrong turns in Hell’s Kitchen for her to be nearly knocked unconscious and dragged into a cartel base. She just wanted to find a little bakery she’d seen online, and now she was in real danger of not making it to the end of the day.

The men outside in the butcher shop were still arguing. Sutton didn’t speak Spanish, but she knew enough to understand that the one who’d grabbed her recognized her in connection to Tony. She didn’t have to speak Spanish to understand that the rest of his gang thought his, likely a ploy for ransom, idea was stupid since Tony was Iron Man.

But Sutton had dropped her phone when he struck her from behind and she didn’t know how often Tony checked in on her location. By the time he noticed her missing, it would probably be too late.

No, no, no. She couldn’t think like that. She had to believe she would make it out.

But the freezer was locked from the outside and there were cartel members standing within sight of the door.

They were discussing what to do about her now. She could feel it in her gut.

A shot rang out above their bickering; their arguing turned to yelling and the thudding of feet. Sutton’s eyes cut sharply over to the freezer door. More shots went off. There was a scream cut short.

Her reactor sped up her heart rate in response as she struggled to stand but her legs were nearly frozen together. More screams managed to pierce the freezer door and she stuck in place, her eyes locked on the small window in the door.

The cartel in Hell’s Kitchen, being attacked in a butcher shop. It felt familiar, but her mind was too panicked to pinpoint why.

When the screaming died down she forced herself to the freezer door. It could be another gang attacking this one, sure, but either way she wasn’t in a good spot; and she’d rather take her chances outside the freezer.

The window in the door was too high and too small to be of much use to her. Sutton banged her fist on the door and hoped that someone was close enough to hear it.

“Help! Help, please! I’m- I’m locked in here!”

It felt like the vibrations from her knocking froze in the air and crashed to the ground every time she tried. She couldn’t even tell how hard she was really hitting the door with how numb her hand was.

They would hear her, they would hear her, they would hear her.

They had to. Otherwise she wasn’t getting out.

The door handle clicked and turned, and Sutton scrambled back. A gun barrel pushed through first followed by a man.

Her mind finished computing its earlier thought about this all being familiar.

“Frank! Oh, thank God.”

Frank Castle stared at her with a stoic expression as he took her in. His gaze flickered over her bruised face and scratched limbs and he refused to lower the barrel of his gun.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Sutton Regan; those guys abducted me because I work for Tony Stark. I mean, at least, that’s the gist I got. I just want to go home.”

Getting the important information out would help, right? Identifying herself and her reason for being there so he wouldn’t confuse her for anything other than a victim.

She shivered violently and Frank lowered his gun only marginally.

“How do you know my name?”

That stopped her. The cold made her thinking slow, slower than usual, and she blinked once as she processed the question.

She should not recognize Frank Castle.

Frank Castle probably wouldn’t like that she recognized Frank Castle.

She could have said a lot of things. She could have said she read about his family in the paper or seen an article about his company’s tour online. Anything remotely plausible, which still probably wouldn’t have helped, but would have been a lot better than,

“I’m not part of the cartel, I swear.”

Frank stared at her again, unreadable, then grunted and holstered his gun.

“You gonna try an’ fight me?”

Sutton sighed and it took more coordination than it should have to pinch the bridge of her nose.

“No.”

“Can you walk?”

“Not as quickly as you need to get out of here.”

He grunted again and moved closer to her. Sutton didn’t try to scramble away as he picked her up in a princess carry. Frank backed out of the freezer and Sutton instinctively looked to the side. She wished she wouldn’t have.

The cartel members hung on meat hooks like animals and it- it was real. It wasn’t something she could reassure herself was special effects. She recognized the guy on the end as the dumb one who’d grabbed her.

They were horrible, dangerous people. She had no doubt they’d killed plenty of others and probably would have killed her before the end of the day.

But she still didn’t want to see their guts.

Sutton turned her face away, which inadvertently had her pressing her nose against Frank’s chest. It took her body a moment to finally realize he was warm. She pressed herself closer in a desperate bid to thaw.

Frank started to head for the back exit and Sutton snapped her head up. At least her thinking was starting to thaw faster than her body.

“Wait!”

“If you’re gonna beg for me to let you go, I can’t do that.”

“No, no. I get it. But I can be tracked.”

“Excuse me?”

His tone shifted downward and Sutton peered up at him as she pulled her shirt low enough to reveal her arc reactor. Frank’s brow puckered in surprise, but that was about it. His stare was piercing, calculating. Sutton had thrown a wrench in his plans and now he had to recalculate.

“Can you just, you know, do the tin foil thing?”

“You’re talkin’ about a Faraday cage.”

“Yeah, if you cover my reactor-”

“That’s not how-”

“It’ll work.” She said sharply. “Just, don’t tell me the specifics on how a Faraday cage operates. Please, trust me. Make one around the reactor as best you can and it’ll work.”

“I don’t know who you are,” said Frank.

“And we don’t have enough time for me to convince you to trust me.”

He at least agreed that time was of the essence now. Frank grabbed a roll of plastic wrap and tin foil from the shop’s stores and had her hold onto them as he picked her back up and left the butcher shop.

There was a car waiting parked in a back alley, and Frank put her down in the passenger seat and shut the door quickly as if she might try to make a break for it. But her legs were still mostly frozen and she wasn’t stupid.

He hurried into the driver’s seat then locked the doors before driving away.

An awkward silence bloomed in the car and Sutton shivered as she fiddled with the boxes in her lap. Frank glanced at her then turned up the heat and swiveled the fans in her direction.

“Thank you.”

“Are you gonna start talking or am I gonna have to start asking questions?”

Sutton waggled her pointer finger at her head.

“I was in that freezer for a while. How about you ask questions.”

Frank snorted lightly.

“How about you start with how you know who I am.”

Sutton tried to rapidly consider her options, but every millisecond damned her. She didn’t particularly want to spread the news to every main character she met that she knew who they were, their secrets, and their life trajectory. Plus, her knowing Frank’s tragic past would make it easier for him to convince her to tell him everything she knew about what may come next and how he could change it.

She still wasn’t sure if she cared about that anymore.

And anyway, he may not even believe her if she told him the truth. Aliens and superheroes were one thing. A girl from a world that used yours for entertainment was quite something else.

“I saw you in the, uh, paper. The newspaper.” She finally said. “I, um. I remembered because it was sad.”

“Uh-huh.” Said Frank. “You wanna try that again with the truth?”

Sutton dropped her head in exasperation and groaned.

“Seriously? Every time?” She muttered. “If this were a running gag, it’d be getting pretty old by now.”

“Well?”

“Pass?”

“Not an option.”

She groaned quietly again and let her head fall back against her seat. Maybe she didn’t have to tell him the entire truth. Maybe she could spin it without technically lying.

“Look. You’re not going to believe me.”

Frank maneuvered the car through traffic and spared her one quick glance.

“Tell me anyway.”

“Fine. It’s- I used to have…visions, of a sort.” “Visions,” Frank said flatly.

“Yes. Visions. Kind of. It was,” Sutton rolled her hand in the air as she pretended to think about how to explain it. “It was like watching a scene in a movie or show,” she said. “I would get snippets of people’s lives. Moments. But, as you may guess, I don’t exactly like sharing that with people. They get the wrong idea about what I actually know.”

Frank was silent as he absorbed her explanation and Sutton hoped she was convincing. It wasn’t a lie, so hopefully it would be. Enough for him to not dig for specifics at least.

“You had visions. Of me.” He said. “But you don’t have them anymore.”

“I don’t have any anymore. I, well, I lost that…ability.”

The car turned into a public parking lot and Frank parked in a back corner, out of direct line of sight of the road. He turned off the car and just sat and stared at her for a moment. Sutton shifted in her seat and pulled at a loose strand of hair.

“Do you believe me?”

“Dunno. I think there’s plenty you’re not saying.”

Sutton nodded slowly.

“Yeah.”

His brow puckered again as if her cavalier answer confused him. Instead of responding or demanding further explanation, he jutted his chin at the supplies still in her lap and she passed them over.

“You wearing anything under that?”

Sutton assumed he meant her shirt and nodded. She pulled the shirt off without him asking further and sat in her cami as Frank grabbed a first aid kit from the back seat. He dug out a roll of medical tape and then set to his task.

He ripped off strips of plastic wrap and tin foil and alternated them in several layers before he ended with a last layer of tin foil, put the entire thing over her reactor, and taped it over her skin.

A Faraday cage would keep the signal from getting out and giving anyone the ability to track her, but it wouldn’t interfere with its functioning. That’s definitely how Faraday cages worked.

“Why did you tell me you could be tracked?”

Frank’s voice broke her out of her concentration and Sutton swallowed.

“You’re not supposed to be caught right-” she quickly stopped herself from adding ‘now’, “and, well, I don’t want to mess things up for you.”

He eyed her more sharply.

“You know what I’m doin’, don’t you? You saw what I did to those scumbags.”

Sutton avoided eye contact by busying herself with putting her shirt back on. Frank looked away while she did.

“I know.”

“And you don’t feel like you oughta turn me in?”

It was complicated. There were still a lot of emotions churning inside her, and Sutton didn’t know how to express all of them. At least, not in a way that didn’t make her sound like a cold-hearted psychopath.

“They were going to kill me,” she said.

And for the first time the idea really sunk in. She’d known it, on a superficial level, the entire time, but now it meant something. She shivered again despite being mostly thawed out.

She would have died today if it wasn’t for Frank.

“Yeah.” Frank agreed.

“You saved my life, by doing what you did. You probably saved other people that they would’ve hurt in the future. Why should I turn you in?”

Frank’s head tipped back as he looked down at her, his expression somewhere between impressed and slightly dumbfounded. He grunted again and started the car back up.

Silence settled in the car once again, and Sutton thought it wasn’t quite as heavy this time. Frank parked along a curb and once again reached into the back seat, this time pulling out a baseball cap. He held it out to her and Sutton accepted it and put it on without complaint. It was probably to try and conceal her bruised face.

He turned his head towards her before he opened his door.

“You’re not going to run for it.”

“That’d be pretty pointless, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Then let’s just go. Might as well happen today anyway.”

Luckily she’d thawed out enough to competently walk, and she followed silently after him as he walked to a building down the block and opened a door at street level. He pushed it open and gestured for her to go in first. Sutton wasn’t sure if it were due to chivalry or making sure she really didn’t run.

The apartment was sparse, even in the entryway, and Sutton paused as she realized she could attempt to prove herself as being honest.

“You’re taking care of a dog,” she said. Frank looked down at her sharply. “It’s a gray pit bull, and you took it from the Irish after you shot them up. You patched its wounds.”

Frank eyed her a second longer then brushed past her and entered another room. There were radios and gear strewn over every available surface. A board with notes sat on the other end.

And there was the dog.

“The dog was in one of your visions.” Frank said flatly.

The dog wagged its tail on their entrance and Sutton smiled at it and made her way over. It welcomed her in the exact way a vicious guard dog shouldn’t.

She kept her eyes on the dog as she scratched behind its ears.

“It was part of one, yes.”

“You’re trying not to say something again.” He commented. “You know, I’d appreciate not having to play games.”

Sutton winced and straightened as she faced him. She considered him, her situation, and wondered how long he’d insist on keeping her here.

She didn’t doubt he’d let her go before the end of the day. Frank was a man on a mission and he had bigger fish to fry than her.

But he could still get enough information from her to severely alter the future. At least for Matt Murdock and a few others.

“I know you’re a no-nonsense kind of guy, and I get you want me to tell you whatever I know. But I’ll be honest with you, Frank, I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“Then you know something important.”

She winced again and Frank tipped his head back in a gesture of victory.

“Look, it’s not like I don’t want to- I mean, there’s plenty of ways for all this to go more cleanly, but I could also make things worse.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Frank said with a wave of his hand. “You could make things worse?”

Sutton frowned.

“Yes. By telling you what I know.”

“You think what I may do with the information you have is on you? You think you’re responsible for my choices?”

“In a way,” Sutton argued. “Because there’s a chain of events with bad things that happen and good things, and if I tell you, you’re going to alter some of your choices, or try to jump ahead, and it could cause other bad things to happen.”

“You don’t know what I’d do.”

“Maybe, but I know what a few other people have done. And they never just sit on what I know and do nothing.”

Frank said nothing in response and they stared at each other before Sutton broke and looked away. The dog pressed against her leg and Sutton rubbed at its head absently.

“How long do I have to stay before you decide I can leave?”

“You know who I am, where I’m holed up, and what I’m aiming for. You can understand why I’d be reluctant, ma’am.”

Sutton rolled her eyes.

“I’m not going to turn you in. I already told you that.”

“Because of your vision stuff?”

She shifted slightly.

“Partially, yeah.”

They kept coming to stand stills and Sutton wasn’t sure how to progress. If she told Frank about the Blacksmith, it could save an entire court case and quite a bit of bloodshed. It could also get Karen killed.

Unless, of course, Frank went after his former Major first.

If he even believed her.

She shook her head and rubbed at her temple. Was she even considering it? Was she open to being stupid just because Frank had a tragic backstory and saved her life?

Tony and Thor were told of future events and took advantage of them. The world hadn’t collapsed and no one she knew died from it.

And wasn’t that a horrible, justifying thought.

No one she knew.

“Doing some serious thinkin’ over there.”

“Thinking about how much trouble I’m going to be in later for not only getting abducted twice in one day, but also telling someone else I… know things.”

“You get in situations like this often?”

“I wouldn’t say often.”

“Mhm.” Frank crossed his arms over his chest and jutted his chin at her. “Well?”

Sutton squinted, crossed her own arms, twisted her lips to the side in annoyance.

“How stubborn are you?”

“Ma’am, I was in the Marines. Ninety percent of my job was to hurry up and wait.”

“Dang it.”

The horrible realization that she’d have to tell him the big thing, give him the name of the guy at the top, just to try and circumvent any truly heinous fallout was daunting.

Any different than Tony knowing Aldrich was his next nemesis? Any different than telling Thor Malekith was his next threat?

To be fair, she didn’t think Tony or Thor would grab an AR-15 and immediately set out to cap a fool.

Well, to be really fair, Thor didn’t have or need an AR-15.

“You actually believe I know something useful? You’re not just waiting to see what I’ll say and then halfway commit to seeing if it’s true? Because, let me tell you, that could cause major, horrible, unforeseen ramifications.”

“Ma’am.” Frank said sternly. “You tell me something substantial and the devil himself couldn’t stop me.”

Sutton snorted lightly even as she steeled herself. She took a deep breath.

“Off the record,” she said with an eye roll, “um, hm, I can’t believe I’m doing this, but the- the gang… shooting you got caught in was supposed to be a sting to catch a main drug supplier. A guy called The Blacksmith.”

Frank’s gaze sharpened and he leaned forward; the intensity of eye contact made Sutton’s stomach twist. He licked his bottom lip and nodded.

“Who is it? Give me his name.”

Sutton grimaced.

“You have no real reason to right now, but I’m begging you to believe what I’m about to say. Because, as it is, he almost kills someone when you didn’t find out until later.”

Frank nodded.

“I don’t actually remember his name, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen the, uh, vision. But it’s your old Major. The one who didn’t listen to you when you wanted to retreat and you had to clear a way to the helicopter alone. The first man you’d think of for a good character witness.”

Frank didn’t move. His stare was hard.

“Ray Schoonover,” he said.

“Yes.”

The air turned thick. Frank turned away and rubbed at the back of his head, the pointer finger on his right hand twitched rapidly at his side. Sutton swallowed and turned her attention back to the dog. She kept her eye on Frank’s pacing so she noticed when he turned back to her.

“Tell me something else.” He said. “Something so I know you’re real.”

“One batch, two batch, penny and dime.”

He looked like she’d struck him. His back was stiff and his eyes were wide as he stared down at her. His chest heaved. Sutton sighed and forced herself to not look away; it felt disrespectful to try to hide in any way after saying something he held so sacred.

“Alright. Okay.”

She stood and Frank braced himself against one of the tables, his fists curled. Sutton inched closer at the growing look of violence blooming in his eyes. Tentatively, she placed her hand over his.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

This time he didn’t look at her. His eyes were set ahead and he only vaguely swayed in her direction.

“That you have to go through this. That I didn’t get here sooner, I guess.”

He looked down at her hand and Sutton pulled away.

“Was that substantial enough?”

He swallowed.

“Yeah.

Sutton nodded and took a few steps back; Frank didn’t try to stop her. She waffled in the doorway as she looked at the dog.

“Maybe I should take him.”

“What?”

“The Irish are looking for you,” she said, gesturing. “I never really found out what happened to him.”

Frank’s jaw clenched.

“Take him, then. His name is Max.”

She untethered his leash and Max happily went along with her.

“Max. Did you name him?”

“Yeah.”

“Ugh, fine.”

That, of all things, seemed to throw Frank off enough that his rage dimmed.

“What? You got a problem with the name?”

“No, no. It’s fine. It’s just- you know, he feels more like a Cupcake.”

Frank snorted in bewilderment.

“You’re a grown woman. Do not call my damn dog Cupcake.”

“Food names for animals are funny. And he’s sweet. He’d be lucky.”

It felt very strange to take a vigilante’s dog and leave him after dropping an information bomb on him the size of the one she had. There were too many loose threads dangling that she had no control over and she knew she wouldn’t be getting much sleep.

She had yet to process any part of the day.

“You gonna need a ride?”

Sutton waved dismissively and tried to smile.

“No, I’ll just set off an alarm on this and Tony ‘ll come get me,” she said, pointing to her reactor. “But, seriously, thank you, Frank. You saved my life and- and I know I probably shouldn’t agree with what you’re doing but-” She mulled over her words as she tried to figure out how much to reveal about her own thought process. “It’s effective.”

“It’s nothing less than they deserved.”

“Probably.” She cleared her throat and feigned lightheartedness. “Well, if things feel like they’re not going the right direction, just look me up. I’m on the Stark Industries website. I’ll help if I can.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“Good luck, Frank.”

Sutton limped down the sidewalk, Max trotting at her side, and she made sure to at least be a block away from Frank’s hideout before she peeled off the questionable Faraday cage. Her reactor beeped shrilly and Sutton assumed that meant Jarvis was already aware something was wrong. She leaned against a building to wait.

“You know,” she said, looking down at a wagging Max, “I thought Cupcake was a perfectly good name.”

#my writing #sutton regan #frank castle #au #the au in which sutton causes matt murdock problems #and probably does have to be dragged back in to make sure no one dies #matt wouldn't like her... like mother like son

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