#i'm still very self conscious

[bixels]

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.

#mlp #yeah i wrote this last night during insomnia. #yeah i know an embarrassing amount of crap about this kids show #but whatever it's my hyperfixation i'll store as much useless information as i want!!! #i'm gay and neurodivergent i have an excuse #in case you needed more proof that aj's my favorite character #personal #delete later #unless you like this analysis stuff #i get why they didn't reveal aj's parent's death until way later and why they didn't do much with it but i wish they did #cuz narratively there could've been so much material with aj's grief. like. i feel like we gloss over the fact that she lost her #mother and father as a teenager #i tried keeping my personal hcs out of this to keep it unbiased #but i'll put some in the tags #involving rarijack –– i think aj can be (but not always) very self-conscious about her relationship with rarity #anxieties that she's not the right fit or that rarity will move away and leave her some day or that another woman will take her attention #(like in rollercoaster of friendship?? nudge nudge??). basic seperation anxiety stuff #long post #regarding applebloom whenever i think about her and her parents i think about that scene in steven universe where steven looks up at #a portrait of his mother and openly wonders what kind of sack lunches she would've made for him. that episode still fucks me up

[everlastiingiimmortals]

...out of everyone who i have on my list it seems Xuanquan is being added to my roster the soonest. they've gripped me by the throat and do not want to let go

On that note, would people be interested in me opening up asks for Xuanquan as a test muse? Feedback (likes and especially replies) greatly appreciated!! I'll be writing up their bio in the meantime, i think

#//immortal; (OOC) #i'm going to be very honest i'm a little self conscious abt adding xuanquan mostly bc of the level of speculation still currently involved #granted i'm at the point where i'm confident enough in being able to build off of the lore we're given and going canon divergent but still #it's making me a lil aaaaaaaaaaa still

[maliro-t]

Early on in my second BG3 playthrough, I had my pocket picked by Silfy at the Emerald Grove, and when Mol returned my things, they came in the following container:

Pickpocket's Bag: "A warning is embroidered in shaky letters on the inside flap- 'HANDS OFF'."

There was a lovely bit of irony to this whole affair, given that my Tav was an urchin that grew up on the streets of the city running similar cons, and keeping similar stashes. He was endeared by them (and by the bag), and I'm overly sentimental, so I started collecting items that I thought would have stood out to him in this sack, something I added to through the end of the game. Just trinkets and letters; the kinds of things that didn't feel right to just sell or lose in an overfull chest. Little bits of other people's lives that he wanted to remember.

So, to give myself something to look back on, the following is an account of its contents by the end (excluding some utility items I kept in there for easy access), and some musings on each.

Kanon's Handkerchief: "Its owner frequently insisted he didn't need this hand-cut linen square, but his sister kept it to hand in case his allergies kicked up."

Found on the body of the tiefling Arka, on an overlook between Moonhaven and the goblin camp. He thoughtlessly encouraged her push for revenge. He wished he had told her to live instead.

Mirkon's Story: "Mirkon's present to you, describing how you saved him from the harpies, and how he thinks you were 'ammazeing'."

Once, there was a boy on a beech. he saw there was a harpie nest. He was a very good climer. he wantet to clime to the top and steel from the harpie nest. But the harpie was very mean. She sang a song and the boy forgot wat he was doing. But then an adventurer passed by. The adventurer was very strong and killed the harpie in one blow and safed the boy. The boy was very cold and scared. He was standing in the water so he was very cold. But the adventurer was ammazeing. The boy wanted to be like the adventurer. He wanted to be strong and safe peopple and never be scared egain. Just like the adventurer. THE END

A little scrap of someone else's wonder. Nothing else like it.

Brass locket: "Slightly tarnished and opened with a mere flick of the thumb."

Found on the body of one of Aradin's crew; an adventurer that died at the gate to the grove. It seemed important somehow.

Dog Collar: "An old, leather collar for a large dog. The name 'Myrna' is engraved on the tag, surrounded by a plethora of indecipherable runes."

Someone's still thinking of her, all the way down there.

Guiding Light: "Used by the previous owner to access both the Underdark's darkest corners and her own basement, this ring seems to reflect light where there should be none."

Torn-Out Paper: "A torn strip of paper with two lines of barley legible script."

[The writing on this torn-out strip of paper is shaky and blotted with tears, making it barely legible.] The silence stretches on- I'm all alone. Please, can hold your hands, for just a while?

Patched Parchment: "A small poem about love and loss inscribed in this torn paper."

[The paper is torn and patched in many places, as if it was well-used but treasured. On it is a small poem without a name.] These empty sheets are all that's left of you. The last of all the thoughtless gifts you gave. I will hold onto them; it's all that I can do. I can't throw them away; I've never been that brave.

Vestiges of Lenore. He never had a handle on pretty words like this. The arcane tower was striking, even as someone with little knowledge of or interest in magic. Sometimes you enter a place and can sense the fingerprints of the people who lived there all over it, take in their joy and their pain and their loss as if it were your own, and leave feeling like you've lost a friend even though you never met them.

Sending Shell: "Faint whispers creep from this Sending Shell when you hold it close, yet the method of sending messages from it is unclear."

Purchased from Mattis at Last Light Inn. You can't knock the kid's hustle in even the darkest of times. And besides, this thing has got to work eventually, right? It's pretty, if nothing else.

Stuffed Bear: "This bear- oft torn and repaired- seems one good squeeze away from crumbling into mouldered stuffing and threadbare patchwork."

Found abandoned on the road through the Shadow-Cursed Lands amongst other belongings likely left by refugees. He's sure someone is missing it. He tries hard not to think about the shadow vestiges.

True Love's Caress: "The most pragmatic and courageous lover ever known was, of course, Sorcha MacTire, for whom the popular hairstyle is named, and for whom many an extremely sappy poem has been written (most of them comparing her to geography)."

One of a magical pair of rings connected by a warding bond, the other of which he never found. He's a romantic at heart, in his own way. The idea of it was sweet, anyways.

Barnabus' Collar: "Necklace the Gnoll Master gave Barnabus when she first met him."

He watched this creature tear itself apart, unable to fulfill its master's saccharine-voiced requests. Even a monster deserved better than to be twisted like that. It mattered that it had a name, even if it was given by her.

One Becomes Many: "This book is redolent with the enticing smell of paper and ink."

In each of us is more than what we are; Parts and multitudes that form our thoughts, desires, nature itself. Manifold are the creatures inside you- and what you can become when you speak my words is all your parts made manifest. Your weakness can become strength if it is made legion: quaking hearts can find courage in their numbers, the lowliest vermin can humble a goliath if they stand as an army, and a ruin can become a kingdom for one soul made many. Speak Itori mustag thrice. Become your finest self- all of them Raphael.

Perhaps he kept this one as a warning of what becomes of dealing with devils. Or, on the other hand, out of enticement. But maybe there was just something about a man so desperate to live that he split himself into a hoard of vermin- left to be the final wretched survivors worshiping at the ruined altar of spiteful god- that felt worth mourning.

Crumpled Note: "A plain, unadorned note."

Papa, I love you. LOVE FROM IZ

How quickly we lose things, he thinks, carefully folding one more note into a side pocket. How desperate we are to remember them as they were.

Arfur's Private Musings: "This book is redolent with the enticing smell of paper and ink."

[An unfinished love story, handwritten by Arfur Gregorio, whose name is attached to the bottom of every page.] Her ample bosoms fluttered like doves' fingers, brushing against his nails. The very ends of his moustache stood to attention as the fire stirred behind his eyes. No doubt this was love. Love, ah love! The stuff that dreams are made of. It made him sweat to think of it- the graceful, enduring, blossoming magnitude of what it all, the priceless, breathlesss, weightless, sheer romping joy of it..."

Sometimes you intimidate a 'philanthropist' into surrendering his house to squatting refugees, discover his involvement in an elaborate plot to kill a bunch of kids, scare him into skipping town, go through all of his shit, and keep his half-written smut as a hilarious trophy to fondly remember him by. You know. That universal experience that everyone has.

Guild Ring: "Calishite emeralds are embedded in this heavy silver ring"

A souvenir from past and present.

Inklings: "This book is redolent with the enticing smell of paper and ink."

[This novel is bookmarked on a page lined with markings; its reader seems to have underscored certain parts for emphasis] After all, there's no point in denying the undeniable, which, until that moment, I had obscured with the million minor tasks by which I measured my life. Yes, the polishing, the scrubbing, the pouring of wine and tea and deference into my master's cup- all of it had surrounded and obscured the essential truth of my life, like a phalanx now fallen. I had wasted my years, one by one, and now there were hardly any left to me at all.

Garlow's Retirement Plan: "This book is redolent with the enticing smell of paper and ink."

List of Things To Do: -Climb a tree -Have a truly exceptional sandwich -Spend a whole day reading -Visit Waterdeep -Get a massage -Swim in the Chionthar -Buy a new coat -Get a cat

Vestiges of Garlow. Reminders to live life and live it joyfully. To always notice how beautiful the sunset is, even when he sees it every night. To never take the gentle warmth of the sun on his skin for granted. Wherever that old man ended up, he hopes that he never stopped seeing how precious it all was. The clock won't stop, and this is what we get.

Dear Ansur: "A plain unadorned note."

Dear Ansur, I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again- there is no cure, and that's all right. I'm fine, more than fine, I'm better than I've ever been. So why torture yourself like this? Of course, I know why. Remember Yal Tengril? You and I sailed together for months, seeking the Great Spire. By the time we found it, we were sick as dogs. But you never left my side, not for a moment, even though you could have simply chosen to fly. You told me there was something about experiencing it with me- through my eyes- you wanted to share in my passion for the adventure. It was, you said, a privilege. The truth is, the privilege was mine. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me Ansur. I never had to ask you for anything, but I'm asking you now to stop. I may no longer feel my feelings, but I know yours, and yours are agony. It doesn't have to be this way. Be free, Ansur, Fly. And know that even if I'm not beside you, I will always have been your Balduran.

He's not better than he's ever been. He's sure of it. What would it be like, he wonders, to try to impress upon someone the profundity of a love he could only remember once feeling?

Yet here, the Emperor begs not just for its own life, but for Ansur's. Of course, that didn't matter in the end. But there's something about this that feels more real than the carefully presented facade he sees most often from it. There is an incurable humanity in the way it believes unfalteringly that it is right.

#alternate title: what's in my bag (cian's version) #alternate alternate title: a bunch of shit i found mostly on the ground that made me very emotional #the old garlow notes make me tear up for real. i hope the person who wrote them knows that they are appreciated. #and honestly so does dear ansur. woof #oh also the guild ring thing is related to like. the whole backstory for this man that exists in my head which i still think i'm too #self-conscious to trot out. but u know. #it speaks #buzzin #bg3

[bunnyinatree]

It's been a while since I posted any art to hype up this fic, so here are a couple of drawings to remedy that C:

[image ID: two versions of The World is a Cruel and Unjust Place meme. Both feature a long-haired and shriveled up Near in the first panel, beside the text, "The world is a cruel and unjust place. There is no harmony in the universe. The only constant is suffering." In the second panel, Near straightens up and smiles. The first version of the meme reads, "*minutes later* OMG, Mikami", and the second version reads, "*minutes later* OMG, Funnel Cake". There's a drawing of Teru Mikami in the first version and his Shiba Inu Funnel Cake in the second. End image ID.]

#death note #near #nate river #teru mikami #m2eb #my art #i promise not to harp on this but just know that i'm posting art out of the order in which i drew it #and some of my drawings for M2EB are over a year old now #so i'm slightly self conscious about the perceived dip in quality #but i want to post them all because i may as well and i'm still very happy and excited about this story and all the time i've put into it C

[because-its-eurovision]

Hey! I read your tags about your smile on that tooth gap post and I just wanna say: Don't ever stop smiling again! 😁 Our smiles are the most adorable thing we have to show the world ✨✨ so don't hide yours whatever people say. I'm glad you started smiling in pics :D

thank you so much for reaching out, this was a lovely message 🥺💖

#I still have the tendency to hide my mouth when someone else takes the pic but I'm trying!! #being self conscious is such a bitch sometimes #like the pic we got with Käärijä in Liverpool? #my face is hidden behind the Finnish flag because I didn't want to ruin the pic by being ugly aka smiling #but I am working on it I promise #it used to be even worse because there are no pics of me at all between ages 19 and 24 #none #and it makes me very sad #oh! but there is also a pic of me on Esc FB where I'm wearing my Käärijä cosplay and smiling with my teeth showing #and my sister is in the same pic and she is laughing and we both look super happy #and it's possibly my fave pic of us ever #tysm for this message <3 #asks

[clowntiggles]

Honestly the craziest thing about running this blog is how many people that I've looked up to for YEARS who've interacted with or even followed me. Also the fact that people actually notice when I'm gone. Like, it is insane to think that I actually have presence in this community and I am so so grateful.

#thank you thank you to anyone who's ever liked and reblogged my art and sent me asks and anything #i don't post often mostly because I'm still very self-conscious and hypercritical of my art but I'm working on it #and I appreciate that people come back even when it's been forever #I think I'm gonna really try to do tickletober because it'll hopefully force me to loosen up #it really just depends on how I'm doing school-wise #cause yknow. college #I'm gonna try tho #I have ideas #I should draw some right now so I have some prepared actually #I'll get on that #okay bye bye #clown's stuff

[umilily]

i really am the definition of wasted potential.

#lily talks #don't mind me I can't sleep #sorry for being gloomy on main #sometimes I think about how fucking great I could be at things without the anxiety and depression #because there are so many things I *could* do successfully if I just fucking managed to get out of bed consistently #or not be exhausted from the most fundamental things #But unfortunately I spend my days so desperate trying to *not think* that I procrastinate everything I could do #I don't know how I am supposed to handle anything on too of dealing with my own head #and anyone I meet is always so shocked when I fuck up the most basic things because unfortunately I've mastered *pretending* to be competen #I've got that shit down #Same with being the token optimistic person #I am very Fine (tm) always and if I'm not it's a conscious choice 99% of the time so that people think I'm normal #Because obviously no one is always doing well #But yeah it leads people to thinking I got everything under control and that I'm bound to do something fantastic with the brain the world #Has given me #Unfortunately it only spends its time getting into petty fights with itself and figuring out every type of self sabotage under the sun #... I don't know where i was going with this... #anyway #Sorry to anyone who ever had or still has expectations of me #I am committed to the failgirl lifestyle

[hotmessteaparty]

Fanfiction Writer Bingo

Thank you sm @josephseedismyfather for thinking of me 💕 you know how much I lvoe doing those tags 😁

Tagging anyone who likes to do this and hasn't done it yet, cause this one has been going around. Also posting the blank for anyone to use 💖

#Bingo!! #I published the first German draft of Narcotic on fanfiction.de #Also that's where I read all my stuff before ao3 #Also basically all I do is write smut with a little plot #😂😂 #I'd love to be a Profesional writer someday but I'm also Hella self conscious and anxious about my writing #And yes very much anxiously waiting for feedback every time #I received fanart for narcotic done by the wonderful @merryandrewsworld and I am still in shock about that #Honestly thank you sm girl even after all this time #Also thank you a hell lot @josephseedismyfather for thinking of me #And your right beta reading is love language

[i-restuff]

can you tell us more about your tmnt au?

like I said before, Splinter is small/the size of an actual rat more or less. he had a really hard time raising the boys mainly because of that. though things get better after they turned 10

April is a lot younger than the turtles, the turtles are all 15 while she's 12. Mikey saved her from the purple dragon one time. she was shaken, refused to talk, and held Mikey tight not wanting to get separated. since her parents weren't around, Mikey decided to bring her to the lair so Don can take care of her wounds and help her calm down. the rest is history

Leo is a very chill leader. though he can be serious (and intimidating) when he needs to. aside from that, he's very caring and insanely protective toward his younger siblings. one of his favorite thing to do is that he likes to hang out, one-on-one with each of his brothers not only to have fun, but he genuinely enjoys seeing them happy

Raph is the kind of guy with "looks like they could kill you but actually a cinnamon roll" personality once you get to know him a little bit better. he's the brawn of the group and he took that very seriously. if one of his brothers gets hurt, even if it's just a little scratch, he would definitely take it personally and would feel guilty for a long period. overall, he's one sensitive little man

Donnie is the quietest in the group. he's very reserved and barely talks at all (except when it comes to his interest). he feels more comfortable focusing on his inner thoughts and ideas rather than what's happening externally. he's also a very good listener. he's able to listen to hours and hours of Leo's or Raph's rant and Mikey's daily ramble

Mikey can't sit still. he's the most active and acrobatic one compared with his brothers. thus, the reason why he has a bunch of scars and colorful bandages all over his body. his other hobby would be drawing! but everyone knows that. what nobody knows is that he makes songs and plays ukulele (is a good singer too). how come no one knows??? he does that outside the lair, far faaaar away from his brothers

#I'm very self conscious about my english #and rn I can't tell if all of these makes sense or not #but hey #hope it's still readable #and alsoo ugghghhghg #I want to draw this real bad but I hate the effort #tmnt

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

argh. i sorely miss writing as much as i used to, but the flow of it feels all wrong since i started having to do it exclusively on mobile and it sucks. maybe it's just time-and-distance-from-old-works goggles, but it feels like there's a noticeable difference for the worse since my hands went fuck and i hate how clumsy my writing looks to me now.

granted, maybe part of that is because i haven't written nearly as much in a long time and i just need to get back on the horse and shake off some rust, but man. doesn't feel good. i miss keyboards so much. :(

#whosebaby talks #medical issues cw #personal stuff #this post brought to you by 'i want to put out prompt calls again for various fandoms' #'but i feel horribly self-conscious about everything i've written in the last year plus' #'including things i was really proud of at the time' #i could write things and let them cook and come back to them weeks or months later to rewrite; and i think with some stuff i will #but prompts are something i want to be able to get out Quickly; and i both have zero patience to hold back when i'm excited to do a fill #and am :smith: because i used to be able to pound out prompts in like 5-10 minutes and still feel like they hold up a decade later #all of which is to say prompts are very much welcome; in particular for inscr/yption; lori/en legacies; rus/ty lake; and sd/mi #they warm my heart and i appreciate them; it just might take me a while to post them for self-consciousness/editing reasons

[neonhairspray]

^÷^

#am i excited? yes #but am I still not fully myself mentally? also yes #at first I thought it was because of PMS or my period #but it's over and I'm still feeling the same #and crying out of nowhere #see to cry in front of anyone except for my parents is VERY scary to me #i'm serious #even my cousins or those that I consider friends #I think none of my current friends had seen me cry and I am a sensitive little shit #i know it's stupid and as a teen I was very ok with this #but as I entered my twenties I became more and more self conscious about it #I WISH that one day i'll learn how to not feel ashamed of it #personal

[maliro-t]

.

#*like i'm twelve years old* #if i made a really long sentimental post about one of my bg3 protags on my tumblr blog of 11 years would you guys make fun of me 🥺 #thwacking myself over the head like girl if there is any place to be embarassingly self-indulgent this is it!!!!!! #the thing is i have played the game three times and all three of my protagonists are so.......SO IMPORTANT TO ME ACTUALLY #additionally. the wild thing about this game is that part of an ending i got in playthrough number 3 is still making me MORE insane about #stuff that happened in playthrough number ONE #well anyways. my oc blogging in general is very very limited cause i just get too self conscious i think #but there is a particular thing for tav no. 2 that i just wanted to make a record of cause idk. it ended up meaning a lot to me #and was just a self directed little rp/character development thing i started at the very very beginning of the game #it speaks #buzzin

[bookshop]

and lo i was not done talking about yibo and this song, i can't, how can anyone

#yibo #wang yiboooooo #reactions #reaction video #like the sunshine #this is a new thing for me i'm feeling very self-conscious but also like i was going to explode if i didn't get it all out there #and still there's so much more i could have said about this damn song #just #what a masterpiece #what a gift #wang yibo #Youtube

[macro-microcosm]

I reblog those hashtag relatable blorbo brainrot posts an awful lot for someone who gets irrationally embarrassed to search up their blorbo's character tag

#don't mind me I'm suffering through the category 7 autism event very strong tonight and being weirdly self conscious about it #I hyperfixate on one character forever once every year or so and every time I'm like “omg this is so embarrassing I am Cringe Incarnate” #I don't have a cop in my brain so much as a mean girl I think lmao #of course this particular blorbo isn't even that popular so like the character tag grows stale but still #lolwut.txt

[tvrningout-a]

i'm grabbing y'all by the face and telling y'all that the alternate version of jorogumo is gonna be chiyo's mom and it's gonna be angsty as heck bc chiyo never got to know her mom and her mom never got to know her and : ))))) it's a very weird and uncomfy situation when they meet before it's actually kinda healing. but first i gotta brainstorm and develop her momma a lil more and find a fc... if anyone has suggestions, i'll take 'em uvu

#this has been bouncing around in my brain for a few days now and i'm putting it out there!!! so that i can get my butt in gear!! #i've felt so hesitant about expanding upon this au like this lately but putting that poll up really helped tbh #bc thus far the majority of y'all don't mind that i'm rambling about spiderverse stuff and that's very comforting #it's very easy to get too self-conscious about what you post and write when you aren't sure how others feel #especially when you're me and worry too much and think too much :' ) #i might still move things to a sideblog for the sake of organization bc this au is growing way more than i imagined it would #i love!! figuring out stories and fleshing stuff out and to do that with chiyo of all characters??? dude i'm having a grand time #and i just very much from the bottom of my heart appreciate y'all for putting up with and humoring my sudden interest in spiderverse <3 #now lemme stop rambling asdfg i need to touch base with more folks and start typing up a lil stats page for chiyo's mom #she was already wee bit fleshed out in my mind but obviously i gotta do more work since this au is gonna change her a bit :' ) #get ready to ramble | ooc

[orcelito]

thought about the fact tht getting mental health help means talking about my #Problems again

ugh

#speculation nation #negative/ #like i dont have trouble talking about this stuff in an informal setting bc im like. not self conscious about it exactly #assuming i'm talking to ppl who r understanding #but even then i curate it. i always curate it. i never tell anyone just how ugly my thoughts can get #though if youve read my writing you probably have a Pretty good idea (akechi pov) the kinds of ways i think about things #i dont share that for common life stuff bc it's just. it always makes people uncomfortable. and i dont want them to worry about me #when people worry about me it makes Me uncomfortable. like there's something wrong with me. #like the very makeup of my brain is worthy of making people worried #bc that's the thing. this is intrinsic. it's never going to stop completely. there are parts to it that i dont even Want to stop #but people will always be worried. sooo scared for me and the sanctity of my shitty flesh prison #therapy shit is that but worse. because they Will pry about it #every time i see that lil questionnaire with 'have you had thoughts about suicide' and 'have you harmed yourself' im just like #might as well lock me up Boys cause this one's goin on my record! again. and again and again and again #im not even going for this shit. i dont have depression im depressed cause my life sucks & im stressed all the time #but they always see the bad and assume it's because of the Chemical Imbalances bc no Whole Person would EVER want to hurt themselves! #i can be perfectly happy and content with my life and still have these urges. it's not a depression thing. it's just a me thing. #i want help for my constant fatigue. my probable adhd that's been kicking my ass my entire academic career #im not fucking anxious. i'm not fucking depressed. i'm stressed and struggling to do fucking Anything because everything is always Too Much #but i just know they'll focus on those lil markers by the self harm/suicide shit because they Always Fucking Do #i'm not a suicide risk. ive long passed that stage. thoughts may float by sometimes but i'm never going to act on them #not unless things in my life go very Very wrong. aka there's no longer anyone who cares about me level of wrong. #so long as there's at least one person who cares about me then I'm going to keep on living. i'm not a suicide risk. #... anyways i looked into the mental health shit at my school again and im gonna have to call to set up an appointment i guess. ugh. #aka that's not happening tonight. not with the way i'm feeling rn. #suicide ment/ #self harm ment/ #lolololol sorry for being so blatant on main today but i'm having a Shit day