#id just SAY IT. id just say it or write it or say the word love to their face like oh my fucki g god

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭 #ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl #but i'm so tired lmao #anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck #killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever #this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them #nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world #ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #killua zoldyck #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective. #storyrambles #also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh #he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've #done the same lmaoooo #it's very sweet though :') #argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.

[tirralirralirra]

something I love about having read/watched frieren and dungeon meshi concurrently is getting to see that, despite their similar broad genres (fantasy, DND-esque settings, failure op elf girls /lh), they are two very distinct stories that ultimately achieve the same* thematic goal through different narrative means.

like you have frieren's contemplative, almost slice-of-life style storytelling that focuses on how the connections between people make an impact, and how it's beautiful to cherish the memories of those we love, even the small ones (especially the small ones), and that being alive is so, so beautiful because of those things. Then juxtaposing this with the overall narrative of a literal journey to a land beyond in order to meet with the dead, while not losing focus on those that are alive. Frieren as a story takes time to explore the small things that make life beautiful (fields of flowers, the beauty and not the power of magic, stargazing and sunsets with your friends).

and then you have dunmeshi's tight narrative arcs that are built around urgency (saving falin, first from digestion, then from...chimera-ization), but also continually return to the same concept as a core tenet to both the literal narrative structure around meals and the overall story: to eat is a privilege of the living. That there is joy to be found in eating because it means you are alive, that you survived. That taking time to take care of yourself is honoring your life. That death is a part of life through the acts of killing monsters to eat, and that the dungeon's condition where a soul remains tethered to the body is unnatural.

For that last bit, I love how we're just introduced to the concept in the beginning as a bit of world building, something you might just take at face value of, "oh, I guess this is how this works in this story", and over the course of the story the characters start to interrogate that reality, culminating in Marcille's realization at the end that they took death for granted because of the dungeon's condition:

[ID: Manga panel of Marcille looking down in thought and saying "Look, this might sound a little weird, but...I think the entire point of this journey we went on....was learning how to accept death.]

(Panel is from the ehscans version, will update with official eng when the final volume releases)

I also love that the story takes the time to say, look, you can be in a hurry, but you still need to take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well, What will you achieve in the service of yourself or others if you don't take care of the most basic qualities to survive first? The most recent episode is a good example of that with the focus on shuro vs. laios, and then there's this reinforcement of the idea by the end:

[ID: Dungeon meshi manga page showing Laios, Chilchuck, and Senshi shouting "A balanced diet!!" "R-regulating our daily rhythms!!" "And moderate exercise!!" respectively, followed by the three in various poses in front of the word "VICTORY" and Laios saying "If we watch these three points...we'll naturally work our way to strong bodies!!"]

Anyways this is all very disorganized and I have other things I need to do and I could write a more cohesive, actually organized thought piece on all of this with like, coherent points, but I don't really like to delve into literary analysis on my fandom account. it just lives in my head, rent free. thank you for coming to my ted talk tumblr. don't expect to see more of this, lol.

*I say same goal, which is not to say the only goal. stories can have more than one theme, it's ok if you disagree with me on this, but please bear in mind that I'm speaking very, very broadly.

#dunmeshi #dunmeshi spoilers #frieren #frieren spoilers #esque thoughts #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #meta esque

[imzadi-caskett-huddy]

Let's Make Love

So I’ve got a Castle playlist on my phone, and it has songs I’ve accumulated over the years that just make me think of Castle and Beckett in some way. This fic is kind of based around one of those songs–”Let’s Make Love” was released in 1999 by Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, who are an excellent couple in their own right (and oh my God, if you ever get the chance to see them on tour together, the chemistry between them onstage is ELECTRIC).

When I heard this song on my playlist recently, I was immediately flooded with the images of the infamous scene from “Always” (Including that deleted scene), and I just couldn’t get it out of my head. So I just had to write it out. I’ll include some of the words in parts of the fic, but I highly recommend looking it up on Youtube or something and listening to get the real power and emotion of the song. You won’t regret it…I promise!

I don’t own Castle…and I don’t own the song “Let’s Make Love” either…

This starts with the end scene in “Always” and will continue through the night. As such, this is very much an M rated fic. There’s lots of sex; I’m trying to keep it as romantic as possible, but still… I’m not sugarcoating it for you. Lots of sex. If you’re not comfortable reading a sex fic, you might want to skip this one.

xxxxx

Just a reminder warning…this fic contained within this chapter is 1000% rated M. Sexy times ahead. You have been warned.

Castle had just ended his call with Alexis when his phone rang again. Seeing Beckett’s face on the caller ID, he stared at it for a moment before rejecting the call. He used the remote to turn on the touchscreen monitor in his office and opened the file…Beckett’s file. He hesitated only a moment before moving the file to the trash with a heavy sigh. The knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. There was a loud clap of thunder as he opened it, revealing Beckett, who had obviously been caught outside in the storm; she was soaking wet. “Beckett, what do you want?” he frowned.

Baby, I’ve been drifting away

And dreaming all day

Of holding you, touching you

The only thing I wanna do

Is be with you

As close to you

As I can be

She didn’t hesitate with her answer, despite his unwelcoming tone or the look on his face. “You.” She pushed into his loft, grabbed his face, and kissed him thoroughly. She wasn’t sure if he was too shocked or too mad, but when he didn’t respond, she pulled away and rested her forehead against his. “I’m so sorry, Castle…” she murmured, her voice breaking slightly. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…” she breathed.

When she leaned in for another kiss, Castle had recovered enough to pull her away from him, staring at her face. It was tear-stained; she’d been crying for awhile…long before she got to him. “What happened?” he asked. He had to know. He needed to know why she was suddenly here after everything they’d said to each other...after he'd walked away.

“He got away, and I didn’t care. I almost died, and all I could think about was you. I just want you,” she answered him honestly. She went for another kiss, but he held back before her lips could touch his. She pulled back, completely unsure now. She had known he might reject her advances, but she hadn’t allowed herself to fully consider that possibility on her way over. Only now, it seemed as though he was rejecting them, rejecting her…she’d waited too long to tell him, and now she’d lost him.

Castle studied her for a long moment, his feelings at war inside him. He loved her…God, did he love her. But she’d hurt him, rejected him in a way earlier. And he knew her…knew her better than anyone; she might be here now saying all she wanted was him, but what if something else popped on her mother’s case? What if she had another opportunity to take a run at the guy who shot her? Would she still say all she wanted was him?

As lightning flashed outside, he made his decision. He wanted her, he loved her more than all of that…more than the hurt she’d inflicted, more than the uncertainty. He just wanted her. A loud crack of thunder sounded as he pushed Beckett back against the open door, slamming it closed with her back, as he kissed her soundly. The dams each of them had carefully constructed finally burst with that kiss; three and a half years of emotions flooded their systems, rushing to the surface.

Their mouths opened for each other, and though Beckett had begun as the aggressor, Castle quickly took charge. His mouth claimed hers with his tongue, his kiss firm and demanding…and she let him. She’d come to him that night wanting him, but he’d wanted her longer, waited a year for her…tonight she was going to give him what he wanted, show him what he waited for was worth it; tonight she was giving him herself…no more walls.

He couldn’t get enough of her…the taste of her kiss, the feel of her body pressed against his, the soft moans and pants for air as he kissed her. His mouth moved across her cheek to her neck, nipping and sucking, tasting her skin as her fingers ran through his hair and over his back, pulling him closer. And then his mouth was back on hers again, their tongues meeting in a fiery tango, stoking the fire that raged between them as they finally gave into what they’d both wanted for so long. He trailed his kisses along the other side of her neck and down her throat to her chest, pausing to unbutton her shirt and look at the scar from where she’d been shot a year ago.

As if reading his mind, she took his hand and placed it over the scar, allowing him to feel her heart beating underneath as she kissed him again. This kiss was slow, deep, passionate, allowing him to feel everything she felt for him, allowing him to feel her. She finally broke the kiss with a smile as she nuzzled his nose. Taking his hand in hers, she led him towards his bedroom.

Let’s make love

All night long

Until all our strength is gone

Hold on tight

Just let go

I wanna feel you in my soul

Until the sun comes up

Let’s make love

She led him into the bedroom, stopping beside his bed and finally dropping his hand silently. They didn’t talk; words weren’t necessary right now. Their eyes met, speaking enough for the both of them, as she gently caressed his face with her fingertips. She held his gaze as she slowly slid her shirt and bra strap over her right shoulder until his eyes moved to the bare skin. He couldn’t resist touching her, bringing his hand up to push her hair out of the way and slide his hand over her shoulder and down her back.

Her eyes closed for a moment as his fingers caressed her skin. When she opened them, she was overcome by the look in his eyes as he just stared at her bare skin. She wasn’t sure if she made the move backward to the bed, or if he gently walked her toward it, but a moment later, he slowly lowered her to the mattress. She raised up to kiss him as he pressed a knee to the mattress, moving over her. Her hands slowly moved up his biceps, gently pulling him down with her as she eased herself back to the mattress, her lips never leaving his.

He lowered himself to her, supporting his weight on his forearms as he deepened their kiss. He forced himself to go slow. He’d waited too long for this, she was too important to him for it to be over in 5 minutes because he couldn’t control himself like some teenage boy. He already knew this first time was going to be over faster than either of them wanted, but he wanted to make love to her, wanted to worship her, and he couldn’t do that if he didn’t practice some restraint.

Her fingers began working the buttons of his shirt, pulling it from where it was tucked into his pants and then pushing it over his shoulders. A soft sigh escaped his lips as he broke the kiss only to raise up enough to shrug out of the shirt and toss it to the side somewhere.

“Kate…” he started, only to be silenced by her fingertips on his lips.

“Don’t talk right now…just feel,” she whispered, meeting his eyes with a small smile, her lips covering his again. “Let me feel you…” she murmured against his lips between kisses, hooking one leg at his waist and pulling his hips down against hers.

Her words were hot, but combined with her actions they were even hotter. He groaned into her mouth, fisting the comforter on his bed to keep from coming undone right then. Once he had a little more control, he slid a hand between them, unbuttoning her shirt and peeling the wet fabric from her skin before dropping it to the floor. He wasted no time unbuttoning her jeans next, struggling more than he would admit with the wet denim as he peeled them down her legs and dropped them to the floor as well, after removing her boots and socks.

She pulled him back into a kiss as he moved back over her, her fingers sliding slowly over his chest and down to his pants. She easily unfastened his belt and unbuttoned his pants, pulling back from the kiss slightly with a playful look in her eyes as she slid the zipper down slowly, her hand purposefully brushing along the length of him as she tugged her lower lip between her teeth.

“Kate…” he groaned, having to drop his head to her shoulder for a moment to recompose himself. He wasn’t going to last if she kept doing things like that. He pressed a kiss to her collarbone before pushing himself up so he could get rid of his pants, shoes, and socks.

While he was getting rid of his pants, she shifted on the mattress so she could lie on his pillows. She watched him as he climbed back on the bed, her eyes dark with desire as she watched his muscles flex when he moved over her. She knew he was trying to take it slow, and she wanted to give him what he wanted…but she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to take him going as slow as he might want to this first time.

He gave her a smile, trailing soft kisses across her collarbone to her shoulder. His mouth nudged her bra strap as his fingers slid to her back and unhooked it. He slowly pulled it away, his eyes darkening as he took her in. He couldn’t help but lick his lips as his mouth moved to her breasts, kissing, licking, sucking.

A soft gasp escaped, and she tugged her lower lip between her teeth as her back arched, pushing her chest toward his mouth. “Castle…” she breathed, her fingers raking through his hair.

His hand slid down her side slowly as his mouth continued to work her breasts. His fingers brushed across the waistband of her panties, and he slipped his hand inside. A moan escaped her throat and she bucked her hips to his touch as his fingertips ghosted a touch between her legs and just over where she wanted him most.

“Castle…please…” she panted softly.

He pulled back slightly so he could look at her with a grin, watching her face as he gave her what she wanted, his finger slowly sliding between her legs from her core to her entrance and back. Her hips chased his touch, her eyes closing as she moaned his name lowly. He’d wanted to tease her, but the way she moaned his name had him giving her exactly what she wanted. His fingers stroked her slowly, slipping into her and using just the right amount of pressure as he built her up both from his strokes inside her and with his thumb over her core. It didn’t take long before she was flying over the edge, fingers tightening in his hair, his name falling from her lips with a few curses.

He pressed kisses along her throat, smirking against her skin, his fingers working her through her orgasm until she pushed his hand away. He shifted then, getting rid of his boxers while he waited for her, watching her breathing finally even out. When she was back with him, he gently hooked his fingers in her panties and slid them down her legs.

Their eyes met, and then he drew in a ragged breath as his eyes traveled over her body, taking her in completely for the first time. “You’re beautiful…” he murmured, completely in awe of her.

“Staring is still creepy…” she tugged her lip between her teeth a little shyly.

“Right…sorry…” he shook his head. He shifted on the mattress to reach for his nightstand. When she took his hand to stop him, he arched an eyebrow. “I’m just getting protection…”

She shook her head. “You don’t have to. I haven’t been with anyone since…” she trailed off softly, knowing he knew what she meant, but not wanting to say her previous boyfriend’s name in bed with him. “And I’m on birth control...for several months. I…wanted to be ready for you…for this...” she explained with an almost nervous smile.

“Me too…I mean, I haven’t been with anyone either since…you know…” he assured her. “I was waiting for you…ever since you asked me to…before then, really…” he added, wanting to make sure she understood that despite his attempted fling with the flight attendant, he hadn’t actually slept with her.

His words surprised her a little. She honestly thought he had been with the flight attendant; he certainly had spent enough time with her. She also hadn’t expected him to admit to waiting for her before she’d even asked him to; he hadn’t been with anyone since Gina…because of her, because he wanted her. She pulled him to her in a deep kiss as the realization hit.

“Kate…you’re sure about this?” he asked softly when they had both pulled away from the kiss.

She nodded. “Yes. I trust you…no more walls…nothing between us…”

He kissed her slowly, lacing the fingers of their joined hands as he shifted over her. He stretched their joined hands above her head, his free hand gently stroking her cheek as he pulled back enough from the kiss to meet her eyes. His thigh nudged hers apart as he settled between her legs, finally sliding into her slowly.

She gasped softly, squeezing his hand as he stretched her. It had been a little over a year, and he was not small.

“Okay?” he asked her softly, remaining still so she could adjust to him.

She nodded, caressing his cheek with her free hand. “Perfect…” she smiled, kissing him slowly. A moment later she hooked her leg over his thigh, pulling him deeper into her with a soft moan against his mouth.

He took that as his cue that she was ready and began a slow, tender pace. It took most of his concentration to keep his control, but he managed for a few moments at first, his lips meeting hers in long, breathless kisses as they moved easily together…like a well-choreographed dance they had been doing for years and not something they were doing for the first time.

It wasn’t long, though, before his movements started getting sloppier, and he dropped his kisses to her neck. His hand was still joined with hers, and his free hand gripped her hip. Their moans mixed, gradually increasing in volume as his thrusts started coming faster, harder, her body arching against his to meet him, thrust for thrust. Her free hand raked her nails down his back hard enough to leave marks, but not enough to actually break skin. Her ankles locked behind his ass and tugged him deeper into her, holding him there for a moment as she squeezed her muscles around him before letting him move again.

“Kate…” he grunted his warning breathlessly in her ear, his fingers gripping her hip hard as he fought to not lose it right there, her little trick nearly ending him too soon.

“Rick…” she practically purred his name in his ear, tugging him deeper again, her arm wrapping around him to pull him as close as she could get him. “Let go with me…” she breathed, her teeth grazing against his skin near his ear.

The way she felt in his arms, the sound of her breathless moans, the way she said his name as she pulled him in undid him. His thrusts came hard and fast, his hips grinding against her with every thrust as his control snapped. She hit her high first, seconds before he exploded inside of her with a few last thrusts as he dropped breathlessly on top of her.

Do you know what you do to me

Everything inside of me

Is wanting you

And needing you

I’m so in love with you

Look in my eyes

Let’s get lost tonight

In each other

He recovered first, trailing soft kisses along her jaw as he just watched her. He was so in love with her. He’d known that for awhile, but now…he knew she was it. The way they were together…the way she felt in his arms…the way it felt making love…he couldn’t imagine himself with another woman, ever. There was no coming back from her, no getting over her if this didn’t work. She was it.

She finally opened her eyes and met his, so intense and full of emotion as he studied her. She gently caressed his cheek, moving in for a kiss that started soft but quickly turned passionate as he rolled them so she was on top of him now. Instinctively she rolled her hips, groaning lowly as she pushed up slightly against his chest, arching an impressed eyebrow when she realized he was still hard inside her. Apparently he wasn’t quite done yet.

His hands slowly slid along her thighs as she straddled him, rocking his hips up into her. Shifting so that he was sitting with his back against the headboard, he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her hotly. “Kate…” he murmured against her neck, his hands sliding along her back.

“Hmm?” she breathed in his ear, gently tugging his ear lobe between her teeth, starting a slow, steady rhythm, rocking her hips against his.

He groaned, covering her lips with his again, his arms tightening around her. He pulled back to look in her eyes. His fingertips gently caressed her skin, and he couldn’t help but kiss her again. “I love you…” slipped out before he could stop it.

His words didn’t send her running. Instead she took his face in her hands and deepened the kiss. He still loved her. She hadn’t messed this up. She broke the kiss only when she had to breathe, resting her forehead against his. “Castle…” she breathed. “I’m so sorry…for everything…” she murmured, pressing another soft kiss to his lips before meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry I made you wait so long…I’m sorry I made you think I don’t…” she tried to explain. “I do…” she kissed him again. Somehow she realized she wasn’t making sense…and he deserved to hear the words. “I love you…” she told him. “I love you, Castle…I’m so sorry I made you think I didn’t…”

He cut off her words with a passionate kiss, gripping her tightly as he laid her back so that he was on top of her again, thrusting deeply inside her. His hands slid over her skin, touching everywhere. He couldn’t get enough of her, pulling her close, going as deeply inside of her as he physically could. He had never needed a woman the way he needed her now.

Her arms wrapped around him, keeping him close against her. Her hands worked the muscles in his back and shoulders, lightly kneading and then sliding over his skin, nails digging in slightly, his name coming out in soft moans and whimpers as he moved, touching places inside of her she’d never been touched…places she didn’t know existed…and not just physically, but emotionally.

This time when they hit their high, he fell first, but he kept going until she fell a few thrusts later. It was intense, moreso than the first time, for both of them. They laid breathless and spent, wrapped so tightly entwined with each other that it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.

xxxxx

Sometime later, she woke up with a slight shiver, despite having a warm body draped over her back. Her nose was cold, and her feet were cold…and she couldn’t remember how they got underneath the covers that were half off her. Her hair was still slightly damp from the rain, and her ribs and arms ached from her battle with Maddox on the roof. Then she smiled slightly as she felt the ache of some other muscles…the delicious ache that was a result of lovemaking.

She shifted slightly so that she could see him; he was sleeping peacefully. But she was cold after being out in the rain for so long, their earlier activities only warming her up temporarily. She bit her lip and finally slid out of his bed, careful not to wake him up. She figured she could use his shower to warm up and then slide back into bed without ever having to disturb him. She found her shirt and jeans and stretched them out over a chair so they would dry enough for her to be able to wear them home later…tomorrow…before making her way to his bathroom.

When she flipped on the light, she was startled by the figure in the far side of the bathroom staring at her and jumped slightly. She quickly calmed down when she realized it wasn’t a real person, just a figure from Star Wars, which made her roll her eyes at the absurdity of Castle having a life size Boba Fett in his bathroom. She then spotted his shower. It was big…luxurious; it was definitely large enough for two people to use comfortably. She contemplated waking him to join her, but quickly decided against it, deciding to let him sleep. It wasn’t like she was sneaking out…she just wanted to get warm and maybe process…everything.

As she stood underneath the water and closed her eyes, she let the heat relax her muscles…her arms and her shoulders where she had to hang on to the roof for her life, literally…her neck from the tension of the case and the aftermath…her ribs from the beating she’d taken at the hands of Maddox. She was so caught up in her thoughts as she let the heat both relax and warm her, that she didn’t hear the shower door open or Castle step inside.

“You okay?” he asked.

She jumped at the sound of his voice, her eyes popping open quickly. “Don’t sneak up on me like that,” she grumbled. “And while we’re on the subject of that…your friend out there almost gave me a heart attack. Boba Fett? Really, Castle?”

He chuckled softly. “Sorry. I didn’t realize you were getting up to come in here, or I would have warned you.”

“No you wouldn’t have,” she shook her head with a soft laugh. He wouldn’t have thought about it.

“You’re right. No, I wouldn’t have,” he smiled. “So, uh…why exactly are you up…showering…at 1AM?” he asked, trying his best not to sound nervous about what it might mean.

“Trying to get warm,” she answered him. “I was cold from the rain when I got here…and I got cold again.”

“I could have warmed you up…” he countered.

She gave him a small smile before wrapping her arms around him and resting her head against his chest. “You did at first. But then we fell asleep…and you stole the covers…” she looked up at him pointedly. “I got cold again, and you were sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you. I was just going to warm up and come back to bed,” she told him honestly.

His arms tightened around her slightly, and he gently kissed her forehead. “Well I would have happily woken up to join you in here.”

“I’m sure,” she smiled against his chest. She pulled back from him slightly, stepping back further under the water again.

His hands shifted to her hips and he followed her, about to kiss her when he saw slight bruising already appearing on her ribs. He stopped with a frown. “Kate?” he asked, his fingers gently tracing the discoloration. It was the first time he was really looking at her under actual lighting and not the soft, low lights of his bedroom combined with the moonlight and city lights coming through the window. His frown deepened as he saw a few more signs of the battle. “Tell me what happened.”

She sighed and closed her eyes, resting her head against the wall of the shower. She had anticipated he would eventually ask; she just hadn’t expected it would be because he saw bruising on her skin. “We fought…Maddox was stronger than me…a pro,” she explained softly, finally opening her eyes to meet his. “I didn’t really stand a chance in a physical altercation, even with my abilities as a fighter. I ended up hanging off the roof.”

He swallowed hard at her words. He knew her physical abilities; he'd watched her manhandle suspects twice her size easily. The fact that Maddox had no trouble at all in dealing with her sent ice through his veins. She said before that she’d almost died. He hadn’t realized hearing the details would affect him as much as it was; of course he also hadn’t imagined it was hanging from a roof, either.

“As I was hanging there, I didn’t think about my mom’s case…or my shooting…or even Maddox getting away. All I could think about was you…what I would miss. How I wouldn’t have a chance to make up with you after our fight. How the last words we spoke to each other were in anger. How I wouldn’t have a chance to finally be with you. How I wouldn’t have a chance to see what we could be together,” she continued quietly. “And then I was so sure I heard your voice. I was positive that even though you’d walked away, you came to save me…like you always do. Only it was Ryan. And I realized that I had lost you."

“Kate…” he started.

“I resigned,” she interrupted. “I’m done. I want you, I want us…I walked away from the case, from the NYPD, from everything…and came here. I just want you,” she gave a slight shrug, echoing the words she’d told him earlier.

He gently took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply, pulling her against him tightly. “I’m sorry…” he murmured against her lips. “I’m so sorry, Kate…I should have been there…”

Her hands moved to his face and she kissed him thoroughly, cutting off his words. “We both made our share of mistakes…we both hurt each other…let’s just…move forward,” she suggested softly, resting her forehead against his. This was their chance. She thought she’d missed it, but here she was…with him. She wanted this, she wanted him, and she wasn’t wasting the second chance she’d gotten. Everything else she’d figure out later.

She really was the most extraordinary, remarkable woman he’d ever met. He kissed her slowly, passionately, his arms moving back around her as he pulled her body as close against him as he could get her. Her arms wrapped around him as she returned his kiss, every bit as passionately, her leg hooking at his hip. He took the cue and lifted her, allowing the wall of the shower to help support her weight as she slid down on him slowly with a low moan, her legs wrapping around his waist. His thrusts were slow and deliberate, his arm remaining around her waist and his other hand bracing himself against the shower wall as they made love again.

Let’s make love

All night long

Until all our strength is gone

Hold on tight

Just let go

I wanna feel you in my soul

Until the sun comes up

Let’s make love

xxxxx

It was still dark when Kate woke up, and she reached over to fumble for her phone to check the time. 4:34. She sighed and looked over at Castle, sleeping soundly on his back. It reminded her of when they woke up in that basement on a dirty mattress handcuffed together…only this time without any cuffs and with full knowledge of how they’d gotten where they were.

She smiled and turned her body into his side, resting her head on his shoulder as her fingers lightly traced patterns on his bare chest. After a few minutes, she bit her lip, letting her hand slowly work downward under the sheets until it reached his length. Her fingertips lightly teased him, running along his length before wrapping her slender fingers around him and stroking slowly.

“Mmm…Kate…” he murmured in a husky voice as his brain woke up slowly; the lower half of him that she was tending to at the moment was definitely already awake. Fully.

She grinned at his reaction, leaning over and kissing his jaw. “Glad you’re up,” she husked in his ear, letting her words take on a double meaning.

He chuckled, his hips moving slightly with her hand. “How could I not be up when you wake me up like that?” he asked.

She tugged her lower lip between her teeth as she watched him. “How long are we alone?” she asked, wondering when she needed to leave to avoid any awkward conversations with his family. At least she was assuming they were alone. She hadn’t really thought to ask him last night. She only remembered that Alexis was out at a graduation party; she honestly had no idea about his mother.

“Mmm…probably until after noon sometime…” he murmured. “Mother….Hamptons…” he told her, finding it very hard to talk with her stroking him that way.

She released him and moved to straddle him, her hands resting on either side of his head as she leaned down to kiss him fully. “I want you…” she murmured, her mouth trailing kisses along his jaw.

He smirked, his hands running along her sides to her breasts, taking advantage of her current position on top of him. “I gathered that much from how you woke me up,” he lifted his head to kiss her shoulder and then her chest.

Her mouth moved down his chest slowly, nipping playfully at his skin as she worked her way down. She took her time licking and kissing and sucking at his skin until she finally reached his hip. She bit and sucked on the skin just above his hipbone and then soothed it with her tongue and a gentle kiss once she was satisfied he’d have a visible mark later. She then turned her attention to his length, licking her lips before slowly running her tongue along him from tip to base.

When his hips bucked involuntarily, she shot him an amused look before holding them down as she took her time to drive him crazy with her mouth. One hand curled in her hair, but he never forced her head or guided her, and his other fisted in the bed sheets until she’d finally finished him off with a satisfied smirk.

As soon as he could think straight, he flipped her to her back, kissing her hotly. “My turn…” he murmured. Finally he was going to get to taste her…something he’d only dreamed about for so long, and despite having two previous rounds of sex, something he hadn’t had a chance to do yet. Now he was going to remedy that.

He took his time, kissing and touching every inch of her skin, completely worshipping her the way he’d wanted for so long. He took extra time at her breasts, and then at the tattoo she had near her hip where it could just be hidden by clothes and seen only by lovers, tracing it with his tongue before finally settling between her thighs.

By the time he’d thoroughly worked her up and over the edge…twice…with just his mouth and thumb, he was ready to go again. He trailed his kissed slowly back up her body, giving her time to recover. When he felt her thigh at his hip, he slid into her in one smooth thrust, gasping in surprise when she used that moment to flip him on his back so she was on top.

She cut off any response he might have with a hot kiss, her hips starting a steady rhythm against his. She used her hands on his chest for both balance and leverage as she rode him, building them both up. As they hit their finial climax of the night and her head fell back in complete ecstasy, the sun’s rays had started to change the New York skyline from dark to light orange and pink. She slid off him to his side, cuddling against him with her leg hooked over his hip and her head on his shoulder, both still breathless as they drifted to sleep despite the fact that the sun was coming up.

Let's make love

All night long

Until all our strength is gone

Hold on tight

Just let go

I wanna feel you in my soul

Until the sun comes up

(until the sun comes up)

Let's make love

xxxxx

So...3 rounds of sex and 7 orgasms. That was the longest sex fic I have ever written. I didn’t plan on it being this long, but it definitely took on a life of it’s own. I hope you all enjoy it. I look forward to your comments. And no worries, I know I owe you all a chapter for It Started With a Kiss. Promise that is coming up next…I just had to get this fic out of my head first so I could concentrate on it!

#castle #caskett #kate beckett #richard castle #castle fanfiction #Youtube

[wasyago]

uhh umm uhm random stuff

#jrwi riptide #my art #sketch #ships are so hard to draw. like. that's supposed to be a brigantine but its twice the size i wanted it to be and its sad. #i guess they can have a bigger boat 🙄... #they just keep fighting and running around on their ship and it feels like there's a lot of room for activities there when there really isn #idk man #i wanted to say that i need to draw more ships but i really dont. ships suck and drawing them is 90% pain and 9% holy shit i did something #and a secret third thing..... #AND NOW that I've said it i feel the sudden urge to draw more ships. ship combat. a giant port as a background. more scenes on a ship... #fuck my life bro #also. found out in the middle of writing the ids that i misspelled both the words millennium and albatross. bruh

[pettyprocrastination]

Reluctant Bride

Pairing: Ellaria Sand x Baratheon!Fem! Reader (background Oberyn Martell x baratheon!fem!reader)

warnings: description of war, derogatory description of women, forced marriage, oberyn talks lowly of the reader’s appearance and status because he’s angry he has to marry in the first place, Oberyn is a dick but he gets better, (this makes it sound worse than it is lol. Just lore building with angst and sapphic yearning lmao. 

Summary: Just months after the rebellion has ended, Ellaria Sand meets her lover’s betrothed.

word count: 1k 

_____

Ellaria was dressed in finer clothes than you on your own wedding day. 

Orange silk embroidered with golden serpents hugged her curves and fine jewels were weaved into her hair that your betrothed seemed content to twirl with his finger as he leaned in to whisper in her ear. 

You didn’t need to be told who she was. The beautiful woman by your husband’s side, you saw it plainly in his eyes. Love and devotion that could never be found in a marriage under the sept’s roof, but rather one made by affection and passion. 

Ellaria Sand was more of Oberyn’s wife than you ever thought you would be. 

But bless the poor woman’s heart, she was frightened. 

She didn’t want to come to his wedding at first. But Oberyn has all but begged her to, laying gentle kisses up her arm until he was mumbling his plea into the crook of her neck. 

“If I will be forced to wed against my will, the least you can allow me is the pleasure of having my true love by side when I am chained to another.” 

He always has a flair for dramatics, her sweet prince. 

But Ellaria felt it, as she entered Storm’s End by his side, the judgemental stares and hushed whispers when his hand did not release hers. She knew exactly what they thought of her without ever heaving to hear their voices grind against her ears. 

“He brought his whore?”

“To his own wedding, the gal!” 

“She’s a bastard too, I heard.” 

“That’s the dornish for you, debauched dogs, every single one of them.” 

But she would not flinch at their words, she knew she was a bastard since birth, Dorne may have welcomed it but the rest of Westeros had no issue reminding her and every other sand in the world of their place. She learned it well and wore it with pride. She was the lover of the Red Viper, a child of house Uller, the gossip of tittering lords and ladies did not frighten her. 

However, the Baratheons did. 

She would be a fool not to, truly. They were the ones that started the war, plunging the realm into a year of bloodshed and horror that their eldest son charged headfirst into without a second thought. 

Strong, dutiful, dangerous. 

As she entered Storm’s End, thunder echoing against its stone walls that made their grand home resemble a shadowed cave rather than a castle, she is reminded of their words. 

Ours is the fury. 

It had been the third child, who greeted them. Dressed in all black and face somber, he looked well past his age, like a soldier returning from war rather than the young man just coming to age as he was.

“It’s a great honor to have you, my prince.”

But Stannis Baratheon had suffered a siege while his brother commanded from the battlefield, he had seen the war just the same. 

His eyes, dark and cutting like a hidden blade, fell onto Ellaria, for a moment she felt as if she had come to an execution, rather than a wedding. Stannis looked at her like an intrusion, before bowing his head. 

“My sister is eager to join our houses with this union. As are you, I am sure.” 

Oberyn’s agreeance was slick with mockery, teeth flashed in a grin that made the young man’s face go sour. 

“There is nothing I look forward to more.” 

He had yet to let go of Ellaria’s hand. 

The pair did not separate until they reached the sept, a grand building covered in tapestries of every dead saint and alive with hymns that speak of love and devotion. 

Two things seldom found between husband and wife. 

Oberyn walked to the altar alone, but his eyes caught hers  in the crowd and he smiled. Even from afar, she knew him well enough to catch the twitch of his thumb at his side. That despite his anger and dismissive arrogance he loves to wrap himself in like a silken robe, he was at a disadvantage. This was not his home and nor were these were not his people.  He was in the house of the family responsible for the death of his sister with no plan for vengeance, but a wedding he was forced into, just like his Elia.

Ellaria’s gaze is pulled from her lover as the grand door creaks open over the singing, where their king enters, face still laden with scars of the rebellion, of his conquest, escorting the bride by hand. 

Robert Baratheon was large in every way possible. His presence commanded respect. Even in his formal wear the bulk of his muscle was seen through as he walked. The hymns dulled to a soft hum at his entrance, head turning as his eyes cut into the crowd before they landed on Ellaria and she froze in her spot. 

For a moment, fear clenched her heart. 

Robert had unleashed a war upon the realm when Rhaegar took his betrothed, he plunged his siblings into starvation and rode against countless noble families that now bend the knee to him. He caved in the chest of the silver-haired dragon prince himself, severing the three headed dragon with his war hammer until there was nothing left of it’s legacy than two eggs, lost to the wind. 

And here she stood at his sister’s wedding, the proud lover of her betrothed. 

There’s a brief moment where she wondered if he was going to say something. Shout an order for her to be escorted out for being so bold to be at the union, but then a hand squeezed his and he pulled away from her gaze to yours. 

“Don’t.” Barely a whisper that only he could hear. No question nor plea, but an order. 

One the Usurper obeys without resistance. 

Ellaria had never seen you in person before. But Oberyn had painted a foul picture of you the moment your betrothal was confirmed to still be held after the rebellion. He spoke of your sneer and the way your lips puckered into a sour pout each time somebody spoke to you, your eyes were flat and empty of any emotion. 

“If it weren’t for her skirt I wouldn’t know which one I was marrying.” Oberyn jested as he lifted a goblet of wine to his lips. “Her or Stannis.” 

Ellaria watched you walk down the aisle to her lover, struck by your beauty. 

A hood sat atop your head that fell to embroidered lace covering your shoulders, her eyes found a stray curl that dangled by your face and wondered what it would feel like under her finger tips. Dark eyes flick over to her own if only for a second and she felt herself stopped once more, not with fear. 

But desire. 

You continued forward and she watched you walk down the aisle to the awaiting prince. 

A strong nose frames the soft line of your features, shoulders drawn back and head held high like a queen to be worshiped or a painting to be admired. 

You were regal. Looking more like a crowned ruler than the king by your side.

Your voice did not waver during your vows, she wondered if you were frightened. Any woman would be. To marry a man who loathed her family for a death you had no part in. 

But you didn’t let it show. Instead the promise to be a loyal wife echoed through the sept before you leaned forward and pressed your lips to Oberyn’s, who was just as stiff as you. 

As she watched the first kiss of an unwanted marriage, Ellaria’s chest filled with envy of her beloved prince. 

#ellaria sand x reader #ellaria sand x you #baratheon wife tag #oberyn martell x reader #oberyn martell x you #teehee #id like to say my fantasy/medival fics have gotten some inspiration from my poetry of desire class last semester <3 thanks professor #those annotations were torture but the poetry slapped frfr #i think i still have my book actually #one of my favorites was the vine #i just. *clenches fist* love lore and WOMEN #im proud of this but also embarassed it took me like. four hours to write 1.2k words jfc man #i like putting oberyns wife in pretty hoods and gowns hehe #also i listented to tamino like the entire time i wrote this i hope it shows #anyways its..three am now. woof

[skunkes]

might sound weird to say as a person with a couple ocs who have Big Horrible Event(s) in their backstories or as a person who has like 3 ocs total bc he sucks at writing and as a person who hopes their ocs arent too Boring with [the thing im about to mention] but the thing about writing [characters] and [people] is that like.

any little thing a person experiences can take up their whole existence... its actually something "fun" to experience as i meet new ppl and do more things. My friend had something happen that she'll be talking about forever. I had several things happen last year that ill never stop talking about, some of which other ppl think werent that bad actually. In the same way I'll forever remember about the way my sister accidentally insulted me almost 10 years ago, it's really interesting and Fun to find and assign smaller things like that to characters...its really Real. some people's dealbreakers are other people's solvable problems etc etc

#(as well as the opposite: Big Event that maybe shocks everyone around em but they genuinely werent shaken by) #though this one is more common and leads to those ''ohh i didnt know that was normal oops'' moments #talkys #inspired by recent me and friend events #and also recent events where i told sum ppl more stuff about Thing and they responded as if it wasnt a big deal. but it was to me. #and also how i thought a part of al's childhood backstory was kind of maybe dumb and not realistically as impactful as id expect #but i saw someone on reddit almost word for word write that as their experience and how its shaped em as a person #and thats it like... the small things are boring and hard to keep track of sometimes #its not like you'll include every single little event your oc was shaped by in their bio #but idk. its like Fun to piece together for fun. to mold a human being #ykwim? wld be silly to tell everyone ''oh my oc struggles with self image due to many instances like... when their sister called em ugly'' #or write it anywhere but it is fun to Know and have in your head. and its real ! #just like if a friend told you about something that happened to em #long post #delete later #sorry i keep saying stupid obvious shit lately ive always been bad at oc making AND socializing so im learning everything late #but anyway yes. idk even as i keep making ocs that are ''similar'' its like. every person so different #people can react to anything in any way for any reason. i love people #this is why i struggle a bit with keeping ocs to archetypes i guess bc like. what is ooc for an oc. people contain contradictions all the #time. you can change yourself at any time. #ok nobody will read this far so ill go to the real insane rambling #part of this has been a part of my chats with talon while trying to get him to share more info #like. yeah ok you're 400+ years old the things that happened to you were such a comparatively small part of your life #but humans dont live as long and think about small things until they die. i dont think time would heal all wounds actually. not all of em #some thoughts just always come to gnaw at your brain. its ok to not be over things. i feel ill never be over some things #and also complainerism can be fun but thats something else entirely wee hee ^_^

[synthshenanigans]

I swear CJ just reads a thesaurus in his spare time cos like what tf is he even saying sometimes. Like where did this word come from bro.

#Chonny could make up a word and id just agree and think its an actual word cos he says so many i don't know #i mean he technically did in TWWAY with Servisory #and maaaaaybe tridential? #i think it was a word before it was just like #NEVER used #also i know that with writing (whether it be lyrics or not) you'd look up words and a thesaurus and just learn new words #but i swear he just owns 80 dictionaries & thesauruses and just reads them for fun #chonny jash #moss post

[beiyuanism]

something something "you must take that emotion and you must bury it" something something "he left me (...) so i had to bury it on my own"

#the longer i think about operation william the more i like to entertain the thought that it was a codename for their secret relationship #its a bally shame we wont get to finish the operation together literally becomes my favourite line of this entire ep in this context #it can mean so much i cant even put it into words really #also something about operation william being about a bomb #and then havers turning up with a scar that could very well be the aftermath of an explosion #id say something poetic about it but its 1 am and i wasted all my pretty thoughts on writing a silly fanfic #(i mean operation william just doesnt make that much sense to me anyway #like why would cap be working on a secret operation to build a bomb just to then bury it in the garden with the blueprints #but thats beside the point. or maybe its not. idk) #caphavers #capvers #bbc ghosts #ghosts bbc #redding weddy

[c0l0re]

Every time I see a post about Jonmartin being toxic I get just a little bit closer to commiting arson

#colore speaks #not main tagging this because i genuinely do not want this to become A Thing but god #im not going to get into all of it here because i have already spent a frankly embarrassing amount of time discussing this with friends #i have gone point by point. season by season. i have looked at this from so many fucking angles man #istg i will write an actual analysis post on these two eventually #is their relationship perfect? fuck no it is absolutely not #is it toxic? also no #like. their relationship is flawed and theyve both got a lot of issues but that does not equal toxicity #also id like to remind people: we dont see what happens off tape. we only see what the Web deemed as important or necessary #in other words: we only see them when they are suffering and tensions are running higher than normal #we dont see their lunches together in season two. we dont see their time at the safehouse. we dont see them when they arent suffering #this is one of those things about tma that i am so passionate about and am so certain on #i have spent way too long analyzing these fuckers both seperately as characters and also together as a couple #they have issues. im not denying that whatsoever #but to say that theyre toxic or that their relationship could never work or whatever else is just not true and i will die on that hill #nuance people. please. this is not a black and white thing #(not getting into this either but: this is also coming from someone whos been in toxic and abusive relationships) #(i know what that shit looks like and this is not it)

[normal-person-i-promise]

overcoat

inspired by!!

"...Reigen. What are you doing."

Your tone is flat; unimpressed, as he slides one arm out of his coat, leaving the other in.

"...Making sure my beloved employee doesn't freeze her little fingers off, that's what."

He grins at you, a mischievous glint in his eye as he lays the side of the coat he isn't wearing onto your shoulder, shoving your arm in.

i havent written anything for a while so this. might not be up to par with my usual stuff

★ ★ ★

Snow pelts against the window as you gaze out the glass, watching the white snowflakes fall to the ground and add to the growing white blanket. The tree's frostbitten branches adorn the sky, their black branches a stark contrast to the almost pure white of the freshly fallen snow.

You can't really focus on the view, though.

Reigen sits at his desk, his legs propped up on the wood. the fading light of the setting sun backlights him, casting a golden rim of light that traces the outline of his body. One leg crossed over the other as he takes slow drags of his cigarette, and his eyes, half-lidded, aren't fixed on you — though yours is fixed on him — as he reads a newspaper, the grey paper crinkling each and every time he adjusts his grip.

You can barely keep yourself from stealing glances at him, trailing your eyes from his shiny leather dress shoes up to where his fingers delicately grasp the cigarette, held close to his mouth.

Thank god he doesn't notice; you're practically drooling over him like some dog.

Reigen calls your name, and the way it flows off his tongue makes your heart skip a beat.

"You can go home now," he says plainly, not looking up at you. He rolls up his newspaper with a hand, setting it on the desk as he brings his legs down.

Not so much as a "how do you do"...

You bring your gaze up to meet his, smiling politely despite your disappointment.

"Thank you," you say to him, beginning to pack what little things you brought.

"Ah... It's snowing quite heavily outside, though..." He mutters to himself, cradling his chin in a hand.

You hum in response as Reigen brings his gaze to look at you, watching as you slip on your jacket.

"Mmm, I suppose I wouldn't mind...

Shall I walk you home?"

It's nothing more than an act of politeness, but it makes your heart flutter. He's usually so... Indifferent to you.

Sure, he's brought you out to eat with him — alone, a few times, but you doubt that really matters to him. Maybe he has heartfelt conversations with you occasionally, his laughs twisting your stomach into knots, but that's just a way of paying his employees.

He's not interested you or anything. He clearly doesn't care, what with how he behaves around you.

Though you can't see it — too preoccupied in wearing your jacket, which is definitely not going to be enough to shield you from the cold — Reigen's scanning your face, analyzing every little feature for some kind of reaction.

Please react in some way, he's screaming to himself. Please tell me that you love me, too.

People are so easy to read! Why are you so hard?!

You finish off buttoning your jacket just as Reigen's done securing his scarf around his neck.

You step out the door, Reigen opening it for you like a gentleman. Your cheeks flush, and it seems like his do, too — but that's just the change in temperature! There's no way he's blushing, right...?

...The walk is relatively quiet. Neither of you really initiate conversation, the both of you more than content to be together in a comfortable silence.

You can't help but steal glances at your employer every now and then. His blonde hair is a wonderful contrast to the pure white of the snow that coats the ground; his eyes, not really taking much in (you're not surprised; he hasn't really expressed much interest in anything) seem to almost... Sparkle, when those dark irises reflect the shimmering white of the snow; his cheeks are flushed from the cold, a lovely colour against the cooler tones of the pathway you both walk on.

You only realize that you've been staring for a few moments too long when his eyes meet yours. Your face heats, and you cast your gaze to the pavement in front of you, trying to ignore the loud beating of your heart in your ears, focusing on the way your boots crunch the snow.

...Out of the corner of your eye, you can still see Reigen. His cheeks seem to... Redden, slightly, before he quickly shifts his eyes to the buildings to his side.

...That must be your imagination, right? There's no way he just... Blushed, right?

You hug yourself slightly, the cold getting a bit much. You really wish you hadn't brought just a thin jacket to keep yourself warm.

Rapidly clenching and unclenching your fists, you can feel your fingers almost fall off regardless of the mittens you wear.

You risk a glance at Reigen.

He seems to be doing fine, based on how he's acting: his hands in his pockets, his gait even... You gaze longingly at the thick coat he wears, and he notices this, grinning smugly.

"Finally regretting your choice of winter clothes, huh?"

You blush, huffing in annoyance as you shove your hands in your jacket's pockets.

"Oh, come on. I'm fine."

He hums uncertainly at your words, fixing you with a worried look for a moment before it's wiped off his face, replaced with indifference, maybe even annoyance.

"You should plan for the future more often. You need to think of all the ways things could go wrong, so that you can prepare for them before they happen and take you by surprise."

You roll your eyes at his words. Of course he'd use this as an opportunity to lecture you. He's always doing that.

"...I'm fine, Reigen," you repeat, flashing him what you think is a reassuring smile. Reigen just frowns slightly, his eyes searching yours for some reassurance.

...He doesn't fine any.

He's quick to hide it, though. What if he's overstepping his boundaries? What if he's being too concerned about you? What if you don't like him back?

He sighs in feigned exasperation, beginning to undo his coat.

"...Reigen. What are you doing."

Your tone is flat; unimpressed, as he slides one arm out of his coat, leaving the other in.

"...Making sure my beloved employee doesn't freeze her little fingers off, that's what."

He grins at you, a mischievous glint in his eye as he lays the side of the coat he isn't wearing onto your shoulder, shoving your arm in.

You scowl, but find your cheeks flushing. The warmth of his body pressed up against yours comforting, serving as a means to hinder the frigid cold that bites at your extremities. This is definitely a step up from just now.

It's not like he's deliberately pressing himself against you, he's just trying to share the coat, thats all. It's not like he's deliberately snaking his arm around your waist, he's just trying to keep you warm, making sure you're comfortable.

...It's silent again, the two of you walking together as one.

Your gaze is trained on the snow, the ice turning gold with the light of the setting sun as you crunch the snowflakes under your feet.

When you steal glances back to Reigen, you see his face disinterested. His eyes are empty, his expression neutral as he walks alongside you on the empty sidewalk, not meeting your gaze.

It's a little... Disheartening to see this, especially when he looks so attractive — the golden light of the sun reflecting in his dark brown eyes, half lidded; the dirty blonde of his tousled hair settling nicely above his eyebrows; his skin, almost glowing in the setting sun's golden rays.

He brings his eyes to meet yours as you stare at him, and you quickly avert your gaze, blushing.

You keep your eyes off Reigen once he notices you staring at him for the upteenth time, though it's hard to not cast brief glances back to him every once in a while.

You're getting a little more used to feeling his body pressed up against yours under the thick coat, your expression neutral, the blush gone from your cheeks — now only there because of the cold. You can sort of say you've calmed down now, your heart beat normal, your breathing even.

Reigen, though he appears to be calm, is freaking out.

He struggles to keep his breathing even, fighting to ignore the rapid beating of his heart, trying to ignore the butterflies he feels in his stomach.

You played along when he teased you, you didn't argue when he started to share his coat, you didn't say anything when he put his hand around your waist—

...Should he try.. It, now?

You reach your little flat, and you thank Reigen for walking you back as you slip his coat off your arm. You're more than a little disappointed to leave his side, missing the body heat already as you begin to climb up the stairs.

...Before you can get too far, though, Reigen is following you up.

"...Reigen?"

You arch a brow at him when you reach your floor.

"Oh, come on," he says, a grin in his voice as he leans in close, close enough to feel the warmth of his breath ghosting on your face.

"You're definitely still cold."

He tilts his head slightly, and as his half-lidded eyes fall to your lips, he speaks in a voice smoother than a heated knife through butter.

"...I could help you with that."

Your cheeks flush. He's not... Asking to kiss you, is he?

You nod in response.

Reigen's grin widens, and he leans in...

Before abruptly pulling away, quickly undoing the scarf around his neck and throwing it in your face. It falls into your hands just as he's sprinting to the stairs.

"You should plan for the future more!" He calls from the stairwell, his voice echoing as his heels click with each step he takes.

"You'll catch a cold!"

You stare at the green scarf in your hands, the fabric soft as it tumbles between your fingers.

Reigen's scarf.

#Spotify #id just like to say. id just like to say i dont know how snow works i live in a country where it is hot all year round #theres the whole of two seasons: hot snd dry #and wet and cold #i love to make men absolute simps its. ones of my favourite pass times #female reader #fem reader #anyway. anywho. when did i write this. like what??? why is this so good (in my opinion #) #reigen x reader #reigen arataka x reader #words on a page

[mashbrainrot]

.

#i am going to NEED people to stop applying real world morality to a sitcom from the 70s/80s #it is fine to say you would be uncomfortable if something happened to you in real life #but then projecting that onto the characters of that world and saying they were/should be equally harmed is just. its not a thing. #i personally am uncomfortable with hawkeye being sedated out of his manic state. #if someone did that to me id cut them out of my life #i dont then say hawkeye should have cut trapper and henry out of his life for it #things in the mash world simply do not hold the same weight. #this is a show where people siphon off blood from a sleeping man #where people steal watches to gamble them away #where destroying prized personal property happens nearly every episode #do you watch tom and jerry and worry about animal cruelty? #it is possible to sit with your own discomfort without saying that it is felt by the characters in the show #either that or be consistent and apply your real world morality to all of them and write them all off as terrible people #to be clear i am talking about the moments where it is clearly shifting into comedy #i understand there is a lot of drama and mash shifts tone a lot. its useful to be able to differentiate between what tone it is aiming for #its also fair to say the tone they were aiming for was not achieved for you personally! key word there is personally

[cloudysfluffs]

Don’t listen to haters, everything ever spread about Vivzie was disproven. Your art is cute.

LMAOOOOOOOO NO IT WASNT????????!!??!?!?

#WEIRD take man #first of all there are so many accusations about viv this is so unspecefic #also. no they havent?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ive seen so much proof. i see more every single day #i mean thank you. for the compliment. #but being critical about media (even media you enjoy) is a good thing. #its important to unpack how the creators beliefs influence the work they produce #disc horse #this is the first thing i saw when i woke up today and it baffled me so much that i couldnt sleep more like i planned lol #anyway. im not saying anyone cant enjoy the show(s). obviously i do A LITTLE if im making fanart #im not saying you have to drop a media if its creators are problematic. in facf i dont like that take #just remember you are not immune to propaganda and vivzies rac/ist/anti/semetic opinions are very much influencing these characters writing #and things like her (SELF ADMITTED) ra/pe fet/ish arent helping. #sorry. this is a rant ive been wanting to say for a while bur have never got to lol #im just so confhsed by what this person even meant??? some of the bad shit shes done is IN THE SHOW. its in there #you can see it. with your eyes . help #anyway again this is literally the first thing i saw when i woke up LMAO if i completely misinterpreted this ask lemme knkw #the assumption that ive just taken the word of a few ''haters'' and havent done my own research into this topic is kind of insulting #what did you expect me to say....??? did you think id just be like 'oh ok :3' ans blindly retract all negative statements

[owlf45]

where can i sponser a chapter :) just like give a tip on tumblr :) or like is there a site?

uhm. erm. well the erm. the 'sponsor' goal is:

its on my kofi. the link to which you can also find in my tumblr bio.

#my asks #imaginary #LOOK BEFORE ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRICES. LET IT BE KNOWN MY LAST IMAGINARY CHAPTER WAS 27K WORDS LONG #THATS LIKE. A SMALL NOVEL. SO.!!! #ALSO BEFORE IT WAS 25 DOLLARS BUT THEN I GOT A 50 DOLLAR DONATION AND HAD TO WRITE TWO CHAPTERS. BOTH OF WHICH WERE LIKE SMALL NOVEL LENGTH #SO!!! #i basically spent like 20-40 hours on each chapter as well. so like. thats about an hour per dollar #which is def NAWT minimum wage besties (its okay id write for imaginary for free cause i love it) BUT please dont kill me over the prices o #even if you just donate a portion it will still light a fire under my ass the goal is mostly just for jokesies

[waterfallofspace]

Does anyone else hate writing the beginning of fics??

Like I know where I want the story to go, sometimes I even know where I want it to start, but trying to figure out how to open it?? Introduce the scene??

I just feel this pressure that it needs to have a good hook (thanks school-essay writing for that one) that HAS to catch the attention RIGHT away.

Maybe this is just me but it's my least favourite part of writing ;-;

#waterfalltalks #not snz #just complaining <3 #sometimes!! i do know what i want!! #but most of the time im just sitting there like... uh... these characters are in a situation... i guess... #reading other fics all you people start them SO well #but i always feel like im either doing WAY too much or not enough #anyways im just complaining over here feel free to ignore this hahaha~ #just ~writing burn out things~ #i use the word anyways too much in my tags ive just noticed that #id say i'll use it less but i know i wont <3 im a roomba brain person <3 #im always jumping from one thought to another to another to anoth- #ANYWAYS (sadjiolgkm) I will end this little vent session here~ apologies hahaha~ #gonna start a trend where people send in intros and then you build a story to finish it #easy solution~ (im kidding... exceptmaybeI'mnot guess we'll see-)

[mafuteru]

i wanna make a neocities site but idk what i would put in there.. maybe a diary or media analysis blog type thing

#there is just one problem.. #recently ive noticed that when it comes to the things i truly care about. things that make me feel strong emotions. #i cant get any words out. i cant properly convey what i truly want to say. #i know i sound like that certain white haired selfish naive idiotic guy from that one series rn but im being serious!! #so if i were to make a blog like that im not sure id be able to properly write anything.. #the reason I dont talk about no6 or mafumafu songs in depth is bc i find it all difficult to translate into words #if its something i dont love as much i can do it well but.. orz.. #also ate so many homemade cookies today im about to die i think #shion.txt

[doctorwhoisadhd]

there's a certain quality the harmonies of like... early to mid 2000s alt rock has. which i am obsessed with... like i wanna do that. i NEED to figure out how to write harmonies that sound like that

#ari opinion hour #i sort of understand it but not necessarily well enough to do it on command #i think i sort of achieved the sound of it with my blaseball winter exchange song i did for snow but specifically only in the very last bit #like only with the 'im not alive anymore' part #(which sidenote i wish id had the second half faster + w more drive but its not like that was like a full recording which i could do) #i think i just need my music to have more teeth in general cause it scratches an itch that i think i must have developed due to some aspect #of music school. its probably my dissatisfaction with the attitudes in the classical world #<- which understand i say that in the same way that like my jazz prof does. the classical world doesnt have enough teeth nor enough #understanding of the way in which music is like. another art. and art needs to be able to have teeth and use elements normally regarded as #''undesirable'' on purpose because art is there to make you feel emotions and not just the positive ones and not just sadness or anger in #terms of the negative ones #art is there to make u feel ALL extant emotions and that includes boredom disgust fear jealousy pity cowardice apathy overwhelmedness etc #also the classical world i find often forgets what the word ''play'' means #i am of the opinion that perfection is a waste of time if i wanted perfect i'd ask a computer to do it for me. i want real #anyway. i forgot what this post was even about lol point is i need to figure out how to write harmonies that have that soaring quality that #like. you can hear it in like helena by mcr and wake me up by evanescence and stuff. and frankly most of the songs on three cheers for swee #revenge which i am listening to now for the first time. i need to learn more about this stuff maybe ill listen to the evanescence album tha #song is from next. #or something i should really be working on my essay but theres no way i wont have it done in time which is good i think i just mostly have #to worry about sources and stuff but even that should be relatively easy i think