#im so fucking dysphoric now

[24-guy]

When the usual off licence I go to has misgendered me twice now so I have to figure out if I need to go to a different one (change in routine) or if I change everything about myself so they see I'm a guy (lots of effort and money)

#worst part about this whole situation is that I've literally been gendered right in the same outfits this happened in #like the only thing that has changed is my hair and i already feel dysphoric over how 'long' it is right now #i just don't have the money to get it cut so im waiting to go back up to family but that's not until the end of the month #im just fucking struggling and i would be crying right now if i wasnt in the kitchen alongside somebody else #but as soon as they leave? im bawling #j is talking again #vent #i guess

[titan-god-helios]

y’all. i fucking cannot. what is wrong with the world. can we just please. stop.

#you can use this for whatever context you want within reason (aka no bigots of any kind fuck you) #but im gonna spill in the tags so #youve been warned #this is a vent #——————————— #so im in autistic “burnout” or AUNS atm and therefore my depression is also stronger than before same with anxiety and #all the mental problems #and my sensory issues are also so bad right now #and i find myself forcing myself to speak and sometimes even having complete verbal shutdown #so at the end of the school day today i was on the very verge of a meltdown and i was already in sensory overload #and just generally feeling horrid and dysphoric #i ran out of class when we were dismissed and powerwalked to a stop away from the one i usually go to #so that i wouldnt have to talk to my friends and actually have a meltdown and feel even worse #and i full on thought out what bus i was gonna take so i could have a quiet ride home and hopefully calm down and feel better a bit #GUESS FUCKING WHAT HAPPENED #my friend #got on the same bus. #and i love her i love her so much shes so fun to talk to shes great and i really love talking with her so much #but today #when i had already spent extra energy trying to spare myself from more masking and interaction #those efforts also were put to waste AND i had to spend even more energy talking for at least 40 minutes straight when i had hoped to talk #for none #and with no music to block out other bus sounds #so when she got off the bus i was so close to crying #and then i had to take another bus as well bc i take two to get home #and now im walking home in the rain and my clothes are damp and sticking to my skin and i think im ready to die now #/nsrs #but icl i kind of wish it was #anyway bye #tw suicide

[effervescent-fool]

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#i know this is like. childish. but im going to my first obgyn appointment in a few weeks and im. scred #*scared #i literally feel like crying #ive put this off for so so long and i need to see one #but just the thought of an exam makes me wanna throw up #i requested a female doctor but im so scared that they wont have one #and that wont make me any less dysphoric #and ive never even been insecure about my bush but now im stressing over like #“what if i look weird” or whatever #like what if it smells?? what if theres something wrong?? #i get acne fown there too and now im worried that thats not normal #im way too old to be feeling like this #every time i voice my concern i get told that i sound like a child. that i HAVE to do this #ough. i dont like this why did i have to be born in this stupid fucking body

[caffeinatedopossum]

No I can't talk right now, I'm googling "how to make my boobs smaller" for the sixth billionth time

#anyways anyone have any ideas that are not losing weight (thats not healthy for me right now) or chest exercises that i cant do? #because thats about all im getting and its annoying the shit out of me #im just so fucking dysphoric and they HURT and theyre GROSS and their a SENSORY NIGHTMARE #and basically i just cant get a break. literally they hurt so much its not fair the least i could have is a chest that i can at least bind #or even wear a bra without pain... well physical pain anyways #i just hmgkgufhj the easiest thing to do is literally just starve myself again but i know i cant do that so im open to suggestions

[swedisheek]

GRAAAAAH

#every! fucking! day with this shit!!! #i am NEARLY AN ADULT how am i STILL DISORDERED EATING PILLED. UNBASED. CRINGE. #and now i can’t even fucking SHOWER because i’m so GROSS #i think i am going to COMMIT A WAR CRIME! #and i can’t even fucking watch gill and gilbert to calm down because then i’ll be dysphoric and dysmorphic at the same goddamn time #i hate those pretty goddamn men so bad im gonna fucking murder them with their own streaming equipment. #ed mention

[themanwhowouldbefruit]

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#ok im just venting because im stuck waiting at the laundromat but this is seriously the most dysphoric i have ever felt and i lowkey want #to fucking kill myself when i see my body right now because whatever the fuck is wrong me is making me look 5 months pregnant and i would #rather fucking hang myself than ever be pregnant and i lowkey want to die every single day im in public and none of my clothes have fit for #like 2 years and feel like such a piece of shit all the time and lowkey want to die whenever i see my reflection #and im really scared that no doctor will take me seriously and i will permanently look 5 months pregnant for the rest of my life even #though there is clearly something deeply wrong with my body to amass this much fluids and shit. and i have all the symptoms of endo. and i #really dont want to have to get abdominal surgery but i really really want to have so much dysphoria all the time. idk!! i dont fucking #know bro. #suicide mention

[niishi]

I fucking hate having a curvy thick body so fucking much I literally want to cut myself to pieces. this isn't about anyone but myself so please don't take it personally. I have such bad dysphoria all the time bc no matter what I will never look masculine and manly even if I do fully transition bc my hips are so fucking wide like they're abnormally wide and will never go away and they're the center of my dysphoria and I fucking hate it. I'll never look the way I need to look to feel good about myself. never. I just want to eat a bomb and explode from the inside out and just wipe the slate clean on this timeline.

#i have so many mental problems on top of this too #that just feed off of this feeling #and make it worse #and then wearing feminine clothes that are tight and uncomfortable and im overstimulated and want to die #but they make me less dysphoric bc i am just stealthily hiding #instead of dressing masc and feeling like im a girl wearing a costume and everyone can tell and everyone's looking and now im the center of #attention and a spectacle and a topic of conversation (my massive paranoia about being percieved) #i just want it all to stop. #i just want to fucking give up #i dont even feel like im allowed to fully talk about it #bc theres so much self acceptance talk and shit and like I FUCKING GET IT #I GETTTTTTT ITTTTTT THANKS !!!!

[mosquitinho]

hi it's me lea, just wanted to say it's so fun how we basically have the same body rn 🤭❤️

Hihhihihihihiiiii lea!!! 💞 *narcissistic gayboy voice w vocal fry* Oh........ interestingg......

#no but at first my new weight gain on my belly+thighs+hips made me feel so fucking dysphoric #but now i truly love it so much i think im even sexier...... #now i have a non-flat grabable belly and round hips and juicy thighs like boys do #Like you.....................hehe😳😳

[kingofdandelions]

Heavy, beuatiful bracelets

I have always had two bracelets on my wrists They are a bit heavy, and a bit sharp I think that’s how they’re supposed to be

My mom and dad also have bracelets Shiny, colorful, beautiful bracelets just like my own They don’t ever mention the bracelets being too sharp or heavy They seem to like the bracelets a lot

I think I’m supposed to like my bracelets

Even tho their weight makes my arms sore And their shiny edges dig into my wrists  Not all the time though  Probably not enough times to complain about

I tried taking off my bracelets one day I hid my arms in long sleeves and put the bracelets in my pockets Only for a minute tho I liked that minute

I took my bracelets off at when I hung out with my friends I don’t think anyone noticed Nobody asked why I didn’t want the bracelets on It was nice

I took my bracelets off at school  I wore long sleeves that day

Would anybody care? 

It took my bracelets off at school again Nobody cared

Why am I supposed to wear bracelets if I feel more happy without them? Why am I supposed to wear bracelets if I feel safer without them Why do I feel bad for taking them off, when they’ve hurt me so much?

Now I only wear the bracelets at home At home where everyone has bracelets At home where I realize how much my hands hurt  At home where I wish the bracelets never existed in the first place  At home where I’m supposed to feel home

I threw my bracelets in the trash today Now I can see two red scars that I never noticed before

I think they’ll heal

#OHHH BOI #im poetrying my best #i might have made myself cry while writing this or i was crying and then started writing this #either way crying #anyways have a poem based on religious trauma #or maybe not trauma #cus i don't think the stuff i've gone through is that serios #maybe im wrong tho and im just too used to it to know #who knows #i guess you could aply the poem to other things than religious trauma too so thats nice #this is my uhhhhhh 5th attempt on poetry i think #and i think it turned out well #yeah i think its a neat piece of writitng #im allowed to compliment myself and so are you :D #wrote this and then started rereading hfwu cus i wanted to angst a bit about transphobic family and religius stuff #rereading hfwu was basically like “yup yup yup there be some religious stuff” #“oh fuck that dysphoric moment punched me in the gut by being a liiiiiiitle bit too real” #*slight envy cus benji had a supporting dad*-*immediate guilt for my jealosy cus his dad fucking died* #*immediate guilt for my jealosy cus his dad fucking died* #go read or reread hfwu right now it fukings ownnssss #what was this about again? #oh yeah poetry #yeah so poetry is fun #like you can be crying at 02:40 am cus your not really passing so dysphoria has been higher than it has been for a lot of months #and your dad doesn't accept you as trans but also still loves you and just wants you to have a nice life without “destroying your body” #so you can't even hate him cus he is a funny and nice dad who loves you but also he just said #“trans people are people with problems who change things about them to stop the problems but changing your body doesnt remove the problems- #“so they keep their problems but hey at least they have a beard now!” #and your mom suggested an all girls mormon camp #and instead of just crying you can actually take your suffering put in into a google doc and get ego boosted by it actually being kinda goo

[chaotictomtom]

honestly still so upset the blood donation situation. makes me sit on the floor and sulk for an hour each time i think abt it

#france finally allowed gay ppl to donate blood BUT with a 6 months abstinence #but my main obstacle at the time (didn't have bf + is considered woman at the eyes of the law 🖕) was because i weighted way less than 50kg #i was heartbroken when i hit 18 and got slapped in the face with the info that i couldn't donate my blood #thing i wanted to do since i was a kid when my big bro did it #it was the only thing that kinda helped getting out of my ed tbh 😵‍💫 didn't. really worked sadly #i did gain some weight finally living with bf alone us two! but 50 is the bare minimum and you can't still give everything in your blood #then i got on t and was so happy realising i was gaining some weight (+weight restribution made me less dysphoric and ed got better) #but lol i still can't donate blood!!! cos' i'm on t now!!!!! looool fuck my baka life fr #😔😔😔😔 like the sole goal that helped me go through ed and not literally starve myself at some point in my life #smh #mibbe one day? i hope i'll be able if i change my id to m ??? mibbe this will bypass the hrt parameter. idk. head in hands #true fucking head in hands moment #ive reached more than 55 i could give everything from my blood augh :((( ppl are in need wtf man #sORRY ranting in da tags im just. :( i hate remembering this that's all. #will play some video games now waiting to get some cheezborgir........ keeping da brain busy

[peppermintbutch]

less than 1 month until hrt 😳

#exciting for a guy on her period for the second time in 3 weeks. what if my body stopped doing that 😳 #sorry for period posting all the time lately i am getting as much complaining out of it as i can before it stops <333 #i know it takes a few months before it stops but im celebrating early. end of a (bad) era #i'm genuinely sooo excited before i made an appointment i was soo unsure but now I'm just :-)))) I think this is right for me #it feels like another big step to getting to feel at home in my body no matter what im sooo ready to fucking transform!!! #and it makes dysphoric days so much easier to know i will be able to do smth about it so soon. like this is just the homestretch baby

[asteraceaye]

So my final project for this class is video art and I was gonna touch up my undercut for it but my professor said it'd be more dramatic if I buzz my whole head and guess who did just that and desperately misses it already

#it was only like 3/4ish months of growth but 😭😭 #i better get a fucking A in this class i swear to god if i lost my hair because of this project AND DONT MAINTAIN MY 4.0 OH I WILL RAMPAGE #this is also like the first time i was like #yeah lemme grow out my hair #and actively wasnt wanting to go back to a buzz cut #oh well i do like my buzz cuts it just looks so fucking strange because its back to being super short #it probably doesnt help that i put on makeup for the project and actively made myself dysphoric akdjhdh #i was joking about making myself dysphoric for the project but I didn't actually expect that itd be true #it was so bad i cant look at my face rn because it literally looked like how i was in high school and my freshman year of college #and it's eeee my face seems round even though i know its no longer not #im just icked #im going hard for the dysphoric meaning now and im going to explicitly say it in class tomorrow #aster rambles #aster is actively avoiding his video project because his laptop is protesting

[xo8ball]

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#UGH i wqnt to throw up i hate sudden changes and even worse SUDDEN IMAGE CHANGES. #that is not me in the mirror i dont look like me i look like a girl and i hate it. i hate it. #i need to shave my head i wont even get to grow my hair as a mullet this shit SUCKS im going to hit da bricks #and shave my fucking head but shorter now. i hatethis so bad #maybe its a tantrum and im acting like a baby but this is actually making me dysphoric + feels bad on me + my body aches from discomfort #i just dont like it and i can tell anyone because im made fun of. #me @myself this is specific ass situation just kys dude #what am i cooking #personal #vent #cw vent

[theygender]

I'm doing it. I'm gonna get a fucking hysterectomy

#its something ive talked about half jokingly for years bc the idea of ever being pregnant or giving birth makes me INCREDIBLY dysphoric #so it seems completely fucking pointless to have to go through so much pain and sickness every month for absolutely no reason #this past month where i couldnt get my medication already had me seriously thinking about it tho #bc even if im managing my endometriosis okay with BC i dont want to have to worry about going through hell if i cant fill my prescription #i was looking into the side effects and etc bc i was thinking about asking my doctor about it next time i went in #and the only thing that had me concerned was that a full hysterectomy or oophorectomy sends you into menopause which seems like itd suck #(but smaller surgeries like tube ligations dont actually stop you from having periods) #BUT i was complaining about this at work and one of my coworkers told me she had a hysterectomy for endometriosis #and her doctor gave her a partial hysterectomy so it stops periods and prevents pregnancy but doesnt send you into menopause #and that sounds fucking GREAT honestly so i wanted to ask my doctor about it even more #but now that roe v wade has been overturned? the deal is sealed im getting this hell machine out of me one way or another #im hoping that my doctor will be understanding as a woman herself but if not my coworker said she'll give me her doctors info #and if THAT doesnt work. i just checked out r/childfree and theyve got a list of doctors in my area who are willing to help #i dont want to keep suffering through chronic illness symptoms every month for absolutely no reason #i dont want to run the risk of getting pregnant and having to live through my worst nightmare as someone with dysphoria #AND like my gf just pointed out to me. ive got other health issues that im trying to get sorted out #im chronically underweight and i either have pots or some kind of hypertension. plus a low immune system and etc etc etc #being forced to carry a pregnancy could fucking kill me for all i know. AND i would have to go off of a lot of my meds?? #all this thing does is cause me chronic pain and put my already precarious physical and mental health at risk #im GETTING it fucking taken out #rambling #ive got an appointment with my therapist on tuesday and i think im gonna ask about getting an official diagnosis of gender dysphoria #and im already in the process of getting tested for pots with my primary care doctor #so hopefully those diagnoses combined with my endometriosis will help speed it along... 🙏

[skeletxr]

.,

#you know i also forgot how extremely dysphoric gynocology offices make me #especially since its so busy and like #every person waiting is such a feminine pretty ~woman~ #and everything here is like WOMAN!!! WOMANLY CHECKUPS!!! HAHA WOMEN FEMALE AM I RIGHT #UPDATE HERE so i dont annoy or sound like im trying to do this on purpose #tumblrs just my journal w an audience JFNJD #idk why i was worried as bad my gyno is so great she explained #estorgen and progesterone when youre not on any hormonal balance meds vs when u are #laughed over her absolute suprise that i have a low cervix she was like OH. #so fuck you the BAD ex who said i had something wrong w my vagina bc how DARE i find penetration uncomfy!!! #at least now i know why!! now i know why tampons/cups are a pain fornme #its so good to get yhat validated #i already knew #anyways im real excited for this nuvaring im very much looking forward to my hormones balancing out #also i lost a lot of weight?? dunno if thats a good thing since i hardly been eating sijce february LMAHFDAO #the nurse was funny as hell when she asked if i smoke insaid ' #not cigarettes and she was like OH you smoke mary jay? alright ill say you smoke mary jay #an absolute delight #hated the fucking torture device tho it was more painful than last time fjdjjcjf #text

[theodore-lasso]

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#the closest thing that seems to describe my relationship with dysphoria lately is chronic pain and i know its not 100% #but theres not a single second of the day that it doesn't cause me mental/emotional distress or like it's VERY rare #and i can almost feel it like a physical pain now #it feels so dramatic but like it's fucking. life threatening. #i run out of spoons so quickly #and im struggling to see the difference between a physical condition getting worse and smth like dysphoria which #when its bad or like even when its not that bad makes me want to kill myself #ive been talking about it for 6 months now was an actual issue that desperately needs medical treatment #but the fact that its woven in with mental illness and so enmeshed with depression and anxiety has made it almost impossible for me #dysphoria has essentially blocked me from everything i love and all my coping mechanisms that i usually use for my mental health #i cant spend time with ppl bc it makes me dysphoric i cant sing bc i can't listen to my voice i cant meet new ppl or do new things #any energy i was spending on catching up with old friends or friends i only saw irregularly is fkn gone #like its disappeared i can't fucking do it #which of course isolates me and makes my mental health worse #its just the compounding issues that make each other worse and the answer is to relieve my dysphoria #and then i can slowly start to rebuild as a person #but this whole fucking period has been so damaging to me #to be out for years and suddenly be so mentally ill that your brain challenges things it knows are true and starts saying #youre just a mentally ill woman every time you look in the mirror. #like thats a fucking horror movie #its isolation its doubting reality its exhaustion and normalised suicidality and kinda disordered eating and just. holding on #like i cant build anything new in this state im just treading water #idk i think i didnt realise what dysphoria was before. i think people downplay it to make trans people more palatable #or you only see people talk about it post transition #or you only hear ways to alleviate it #you dont really hear all the ways you just have to live with it. and you do. voice dysphoria is my biggest issue for sure #and i cannot get around it #so ive stopped one of my number one hobbies and sources of joy - music and singing. which was a big way id get around anxiety #because you have to breathe properly to sing #im running outta tags i just didnt wanna put this in a post but. yeah listen its rough out here buddy lmfao and it has been for. a while