#im trying though. always am

[xlillyle]

"We can delay the mission for another two minutes."

#crossposting from twitter #i really liked the post and i am obsessed with my own answer for it #so im posting it here too #first i wanted to use the i used corruption because i trusted you line #or of course you used corruption believing in me is a classic too #someone else did the latter already though on twt #anyways i ended up remembering this moment and went insane and posted it #wdym Dazai canonically said the end of the world can wait two minutes #just so Chuuya can have a real CHOICE #and he planned for an alternative too!! or well he was trying to #because he wanted to give him a REAL CHOICE #thinking about the lovecraft chapter and chuuya saying whenever Dazai says its his choice its not actually his #stopped typing here bc i went to discuss with Ray my thoughts about if Dazai leaves him a genuine choice every time and if Chuuya knows #came to the conclusion that Chuuya thinks its the illusion of a choice even though it isnt #the backup plan might be crazy and not as successful as a corruption plan would be but Dazai for sure always has one #nobody can convince me otherwise #uh ok this was a lot of rambling coughs #bungou stray dogs #soukoku #skk #dazai osamu #bsd #chuuya nakahara #bsd skk #bsd dazai #bsd chuuya #bsd stormbringer #xlillyle bsd threads

[tacogoats]

Thinking about a Durge who has rejected Bhaal, and whatever person they used to be, but still secretly longs for their lost memories. A Durge that, despite the answers the man could give them, would never re-ignite that strange passion they were shown they once had for Gortash. A Durge that has, for all purposes to the others in their party, moved on. A Durge that, six months after that day atop the Netherbrain, at a party celebrating their new life, receives a strange letter with an even stranger gadget hidden inside.

The meeting at the inauguration was a strange one. Despite Gortash's very obvious elation at seeing what he'd called his 'dearest friend', the man had no hesitation very proudly detailing the Dark Urge's grand scheme; their grand design for the world to be.

In front of all their friends and 'new' lover, of course.

They were furious, and rightly so. Gortash must have known what he was doing. To isolate them, to bring them back to him. The person who accepted them for all they were, all they are, and all they could be - together.

It wasn't enough to win the Dark Urge back to him, and although they'd tentatively teamed up in the end - he had died. Not by the Urge's hand, but in some ways, his own. The group had left Gortash's body within the Prism, and simply moved on. There were bigger problems, and no one really was sad to see him go. Right?

The Urge remembers a letter found in Moonrise Towers. Gortash liked gadgets, according to Ketheric. Evidence was abundant enough with the Steel Watchers, among other things. The item is strangely shaped, entirely too small, and with a simple touch, comes to life.

It reminds them of the strange picture they had seen at the Iron Throne. Gortash's visage shone through a glass, moving, talking - warning them to leave. Answering them, praising them for listening.

What a strange contraption, they'd thought all those months ago.

And then, now, there he was again. A picture, in their hand. A moving picture. Speaking with his voice, wearing his weary face - so, so weary - but not the same as before.

This had passed already. The voice did not answer them this time. It was simply impossible - the man was dead, but not quite gone in this moment.

He speaks of the inauguration like it had just happened. His joy at seeing his favourite 'assassin' again, which he says with a sad smile and a moment of silence. A heavy sigh follows, rubbing at his eyes - which they can see are so much darker than they last remember.

He is tired.

Gortash speaks of their time together, before Orin - and how Orin torments him day and night now that they had both confirmed the Urge's return. She appears with their face, taunting him some days. Other days she sends assassins that wear the same, and he simply cannot let his guard down anymore. But he knew it was them that day.

They can see the exhaustion that pulls down his features, makes his words heavier. This is not the Archduke speaking to him in this moment - it is a tired, broken down man that has just seen a ghost.

Yet they cling to every word anyway, because even though this is a broken down man who is terrified of the ghost - the man still hopes the ghost will remember him, too.

They don't. But he doesn't know that, not this little picture of him, anyway.

The picture says that if they are seeing this recording, it means he is already dead - and although he had planned to sway them back to his side, he may not have been given the chance, and refuses to allow the opportunity to share what the two of them once had slip away.

He would gift unto them the memories that he could, even beyond death. The bloody ones, the happy ones, the painful ones.

And he talks, he smiles, he even cries.

And so do they.

#durgetash #dark urge x gortash #i dont usually write gushy things but i am trying to write fic of this i need to yell a bit #this has been sitting in my drafts i release it to the world now #dont look at me im cringe #i just think that my own dark urge would always long for their memories despite withers's warnings and #knows that gortash is the only person who could give it to them and selfishly sides with him because of it #and when gortash dies he knows all is lost. and accepts it. he has a new life now. its okay. (its not okay) #and when they see that funky lil thing in the letter They Know. They KNOW it's from That man #and there's a moment of hesitation as those words from withers flash in their mind again but nope fuck it. selfishness wins. #and even though the man was a monster - they were once eachother's monsters and - there are his answers. some of them anyway. #and he can finally let go of that : ) #i dont have a writing tag nor do i want one rn this is a rarity for me #bg3 epilogue spoilers #minor spoilers but still

[doodlebloo]

Hiii guys.

I've already been out of my mind busy for the past few months, and with midterms happening and my thesis defense soon I may not be super active here for a bit.

As it stands now I'm not leaving this blog. This has been my home for the past few years and I love the story too much to let go. I will assess how I'll talk about Tommy/Phil/Tubbo etc going forwards based on their responses, lack thereof, info on what is and isn't allowed to be said legally, etc.

If you're reading this I love you so so so much. I am at all times overflowing with love for the dsmp/mcyt community and what it's done for me. Some of the happiest moments I've had in my life were because of you all.

Also, if you're rebranding or moving blogs or w/e and we're mutuals I'd love to follow your new account even if we share 0 interests in common now, feel free to lmk where you're headed to (if you want) ❤️

#i think i need to be less on Tumblr for a minute because well. #i have an unhealthy attatchment to this community. i like get physically sick when i see a blog i loved has deleted. #and i cant really take the stress of watching ppl leave and checking for updates/statements on this situation rn so. may take a short break #i am coming back though. promise. probably wont even be a week. #(disclaimer 1: supporting shubble should always be everyones first priority. not trying to make this situation abt me just posting an update #on my blog about how my blog will be handling things.) #((disclaimer 2: if you see me post this ans a few days later im back here that means i failed in my attempt to not doomscroll 💔)) #doodle.txt

[the-meme-monarch]

"why do you not like spicy food" bc i like being able to eat food and taste it without it hurting me. i barely tolerate hot-temperature foods man

#people also always telling me 'theres taste Besides the spicy though' and i believe you. but i literally cant taste it Besides the spicy #bro i dont even like black pepper #words from the monarch #food mention #sorry im just tired of my dad trying to get me to 'compromise' and eat spicy food 👍 #yes i am white. you can laugh

[kisaraslover]

if anyone has any problem making sense of the way i interpret Kaiba just remember this: Tea Gardner looks at him one day and has the dawning realization "hes like a lesbian of some kind" this should make all the pieces fall into place

#not art #tea gardner #anzu mazaki #seto kaiba #yugioh #ygo #i mean it. kisara existing or not. i mean ittttt #i look at him. i look at myself. i look at his barely contained animosity towards all men- immediate competition- rivals #and then his much more calm reception of women. and i go ''hes literally me'' #this is why im forever kaiba-mai valentine kaiba-ishizu friendship truther. tea doesnt make the cut but like. #if i write the series again id have to make him choose her for anything that isnt dueling. that spot is determinedly atem #but hes gotta sit next to someone from yugi gang for a flight? gardner. hes gotta share a cab? gardner. hes gotta save a yugi friend? #gardner. #not that they speak. not that hed want to spend time with her he doesnt have to. but to me hes like those dogs that hate men always #mai valentine would genuinely have his respect -she seems to have given battles of her own and came out a bit similar to him #hed actively enjoy her humor especially if joey is the butt of it. she would actively make an effort to get close too. birds of a feather #ishizu though. ohhh hed be so annoyed anytime shes like ''fate and gods and magic'' the way i am when straight girls bring up. #astrology. and tarot and whatnot. half disproving and trying to convince them. half listening to see where they take it #but 100% not taking it seriously for himself #but shes an accomplished woman who can be a deadly business woman and hed like that part of her. #again he can see himself reflected in powerful women and the sexist writing aside he just wouldnt be threatened by them #COUGH gozaburo COUGH. #sigh i just gotta make everything about that asshole dont i. #<- actual seto kaiba thought whenever he has an emotional awakening to his trauma once again being tied to gozaburo #DAMN im a good kinnie. yeeeesh

[wizardnuke]

i love dnd..i love playing heavy utility/support/backfield and i love having three to six attacks in a turn and an insane ac. at heart im a support player ill get my hands on whatever we're missing in a group

#looks at a druid a fighter and a bard fighter. okay cleric time. #i LOVE playing cleric turns out. #though abjuration wizard is still super super fun its a different flavor of support #it's not buffs it's 'i am going to transfer literally all that damage to myself and war caster style succeed my witchbolt concentration' #doing insane amounts of damage while taking damage (+ with temp hp and then just a lot of hp. im taking the tough feat as soon as possible) #aabria iyengar was right these abjuration wizards are craaaazy. but war domain clerics also fuck hard #my abj wiz is very much an experiment in 'what if someone who is not at all suited to this life tries to adapt as well as she can' #the point is that she isn't a cleric. do u understand. she's not a cleric and that's the point it's the. hbbbgbfhb. she's out here #functioning as a combat medic on some aasimar features + healing kits/potions + arcane ward. Look At Me #i also really enjoy playing nonreligious characters in these worlds where deities 100% exist not in a 'fuck the gods' way but in #a way somewhere between 'i'm all i need' and 'i called and no one answered' and 'may or may not go on an insane power hungry spiral and #try to get a touch of godhood' which is in part very due to my own agnostic and people-loving heart and 'haha what if i icarused this girl' #a resentful caution towards gods an immense respect towards religious companions and 'when your god isn't here to help. i will be' #anyway REACTION arcane ward you don't take damage im fine. next turn reaction shield ward's back up. the thing is. #she will drive her hp down. the ward isn't much like it goes past that temp hp. it's 14hp that shit goes down and carries to her hp #but it never drops. any leveled spell puts hp back into the ward. a 1st lvl shield puts it at 2hp and she can use it again #she is not suited for these conditions but my god it is fun to watch. i care her. #i explained that subclass feature to a player that's not in that campaign and said. like. yeah she can take damage. when her ward drops to #0 it carries to her. any leveled abj spell puts it back up. and she can use it and drive her hp down again. #do u understand what i am explaining to u! do you get it! she is and has always been a punching bag! #she was a very valuable asset to the army and the group she was drafted! into. because when she's there. people just don't fucking go down #aside from her. aside from her. AAAAH. she's so cool. she is very smart i am still riding the high of critting every turn w witchbolt and #reacting to ward a party member against a crit that would have dropped him by taking the hit herself. and she didn't break concentration #badass

[grey-has-rusted]

^me when i am a sensitive person

#ramblings #i hate feeling lonely #it literally hurts my heart #i have such a hard time forming connections both irl and online #idk how many times ive cried just this past month bc i felt lonely #and even when i am included in things im always an after thought #its been months but im still thinking about stupid christmas #i know the whole point isn't to get gifts #but i got one present. while i spent hundreds of dollars getting my family gifts #they even asked me what i wanted too #helped my cousin decorate for her christmas party and last minute i found out it was a secret santa #i got invited but was the only one not included in that #so yeah.... #i dont have anyone to celebrate holidays with #my birthday was sad #i cried then too #not looking forward to tomorrow either #and i try to make friends and talk to people #but i feel as though i always initiate #and nobody seems interested in talking to me #which... i dont expect everyone to like me #but it really does hurt and it makes wonder what's wrong with me #also why cant my brain focus on something else #like doing something productive #its been ages since ive drawn anything #ive just been sad. that's the whole post. #bye now

[devotedlystrangewizard]

the school arc to me is so good because it drags ciel out of his position as a powerful figure and literally places him in the shoes of the person he could have been. the circus arc ALSO drags him out of his position as big bad queens watch dog/head of the phantomhive estate but the school arc feels like a mockery of a future that never was. this is what he could have been had his parents not died. and even then its NOT because he will never be that kid.

he never was.

#ramblings #incoherent beyond belief its 4 am #and im trying to avoid manga spoilers #might add a reblog with more coherent thoughts when i wake up but im off my meds so i cant promise anything #actually correction im being vague w the manga spoilers #manga readers know whats up #idk if there are any anime only ppl who havent been spoiled on The Plottwist Ever yet #but i figured there will be new fans and though im not tagging this it might still get seen so #cant WAIT to see our boy absolutely miserable in animation form should they recreate that arc LMAOOO #which ofc is after the germany arc so thats still a long time away #but STILL. itd be fun i need to see this young teenager lose his mind in color with sound #him relying on sebastian to do all his fag duties (sorry. dredge) so he can work his way up the social ladder #trying to gain power while simultaneously proving that he cant do anything but rely on others #hes always needed help in basically every way and he hasnt CHANGED he just got a demon to do it for him #he learns to lie and charm and cheat and all the while hes a fucking CHILD WHO STILL STRUGGLES WITH NORMAL THINGS #ciel is my little baby and i love him deeply no matter how much of a little bitch he can be #his helplessness isnt just 'oh he was raised in british high society' its also that he never got the chance to learn anything #which to elaborate on that id also have to go into manga territory. iykyk #like absolutely at this point he just refuses to learn how to do things he has a pet demon to do it for him #but. #hi the phantomhives backstory is killing me again its so late #both atlantic and the school arc are just setup for the Big Arc but theyre very good in their own right i SWEAR #also when i rewatched the circus arc a while back and i realised how some scenes were shot #the heavy foreshadowing that i didnt realise. yk. 7 years ago or however long its been since i first watched it #CRAZY #if you are new. to kuroshitsuji. and you havent read the manga. dear god. read the manga #ALSO GRELLE IN THAT ARC IS SO BEAUTIFUL & OTHELLO IS TRANSMASCULINE. OKAY GOODBYE

[icewindandboringhorror]

I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent

#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little #bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the #very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the #house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks #Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a #gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a #treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of #color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration #like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a #auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies #so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk #and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver #but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and #sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an #active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have #been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start #to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've #done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!' #(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks #with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm #secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool #stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers #me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or #it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for #too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been #investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely #enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed #google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj #LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

I'm so ready for a change

#forgot i didnt add tags #i want to cut and dye my hair all fucked up #i want to start my life over #i want to be the man i KNOW i am #i feel trapped in a cage #188 days #I'll be out #ill be away #ill be myself #everything will be as it should #I know im a man but my brain is telling me otherwise it wants me to question my gender again but i know deep down ive always been a man #ough #sorry to rant #i think all the transphobia is getting to me as much as i try to post trans content to retaliate #im fine though! #sorry to vent

[elegyofthemoon]

i feel like i need to go back and reread the earlier manga even though they were retconned within the timeline but i feel so bad for mei in chapter 15 :(

i think it was in st.freya high/escape from nagazora (which i know are ggz or honkai gakuen 2 manga but it was on the reading list so i read it anyways asdlkfah), but i think a lot about how she was so afraid of her powers as a herrscher, and how it was kiana that had saved her back then.

there's "will of the herrscher" where she finds out that kiana's the herrscher of the void, and in parallel with escape from nagazora, mei tries to save kiana, and calling out to kiana, she does manage to get kiana's consciousness back but loses it so quickly and soon enough loses kiana in the process

then finally over in arc city, when she thought she would be able to reunite with kiana and bring kiana back home -- even despite everything, even despite how much kiana feels like she doesn't deserve to go home -- she still isn't able to save kiana the way kiana had saved her several times now, and how powerless she must feel against durandal taking kiana away from her.

she just wants kiana back :( please reunite them...

#avil plays hi3 #i am hhhhh #i love you hi3 you have such good character development but also i am In Pain #raiden mei #tbh ! i havent thought much about mei #IN A LONG WHILE ACTUALLY im pretty sure the last coherent thought i had about her was back in ch 8 with the animation and the parallel ive #mentioned #but its so good.... i love it #side thing i cant listen to durandal in cn because when she talks my brain goes 'vENTI ?!?!?!?! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺VENTIIIII' #durandals cool though i like her as well (i like her wife but thats a different thing) #idc if this is coherent tbh i was just putting pieces together #i love kiamei T _ T they are good and they make me happy (i am in absolute Pain over them) #idk i think theres something very artistic about mei trying so hard to chase after the speeding light that is durandal #it feels very much the summary of mei trying to save kiana all this time #always always out of reach

[verflares]

i think one of my favourite loz fanartists things is when people draw the fairies as cute little insects/critters instead of just little poofy balls of light.... la creatura appeal

#poofy ball of light is still very good though dont get me wrong. ive always imagined them as that instead of just. Little Pixie #i Am drawing navi as just Poofy Ball Of Light for these doodles im doing but i should try brainstorming ideas when i have a sec #if Only because i want to make navi and tatl look similar for Majoras Mask Trauma Recovery Journey reasonz #personal.txt

[vectorworm]

watching Castle Freak again and...

#DADDY ISSUES #carnally.. as a father figure #the reason i love characters who are just a cube of concentrated daddy issues with legs is bc I AM just a concentraed cube #like that Dad is a fucking mess but hes trying his best :( #activating me issues #also hot #(that outfit though... a mess) #debating putting this in the drafts bc im so tired and but WHO CARES #(kinda which there was a self-destruct function for posts. wouldt that be fun) #the family is such an unrepairable mess #Barabara though <3 #love you Barbara Crampton. shes always amazing #Castle Freak

[lawlietscaramels]

something that keeps tripping me up in death note fandom is that, because the series has so many inconsistencies and holes, there are so many interpretations of the series, the characters, and I just can't keep it all straight in my head. lol. not to say I don't like it; I just struggle so much when I see two headcanons I like but they can't both work together.

So it really trips me up when it comes to headcanons of my own - I don't agree with things I wrote last month probably - and when world building for Riri...

aaand in the tags..

#lei chats #death note has its own multiverse and in each one thing is fact and the rest is fair game #this is also my trying to explain the ryuzaki theory a little. cause looking back i don't agree with much of it #i still think he takes naps at sunset #and I like to think he will lie on wood floors and stand like a flamingo and an assortment of weird sitting standing poses like me #emphasis on like me. i headcanon that on my comfort character because I've always felt weird about doing it. #but idk. i disagree with most of what i remember writing. same with a chunk of my misa post the colours theory and the yandere thing #though that one wasn't really serious #anyway if you read this far im anxious that everyone hates me now and of course that is why i am rambling... #love you guys. please forgive me.

[lizardlycrimes]

I just read your tags on your reblog (of the thing I stole your tags for 😅) and - you know the moment in the cartoon where Kash says "we were hoping Earth Wind and Fire here could assist" and everybody looks at Keyleth and Keyleth looks the other way first like "...oh you mean me??" That was 100% me ^^' I am HIGH KEY flattered, but also I'm very much "??!???!?" at the thought of anyone fangirling over me, of all people! whyyy (for real, though, really!?)

(also always SO SO GOOD to find someone else who fucking loves Scanlan 'Patented Disaster' Shorthalt, warts and all 💜)

I don't think I've gotten an ask before!!! This is exciting!!!

Also I love that scene in TLOVM so much I get what you mean by the whole "oh you mean me thing" sjshdjdn I'd probably be a lil shocked too but I'm genuinely am like. A big fan. Getting even this ask got me fangirling all over again!! I love your art so much and you have such an accurate way of portraying Scanlan it drives me nuts!! Both your design and characterization in comics and such just ahh!! Being able to say that's my boy!!! Is so exciting to me!!

It's so hard to find people who are decent about Scanlan it's insane though!! I've seen Scanlan be put through such hellish miss characterization and exclusion. Often times treated more like a thing than a person in my opinion. (Sam's characters as a whole I think are very slept on. Like even with big character reveals the only time I've seen fcg really be posted a LOT about was in relation to romance) on the rare occasion where I see someone who clearly appreciates Scanlan's complexities they basically get immediately engrained into my brain just like you have. Though with how much you've posted of him I think you're past simply engrained and just are part of my brain now.

Also warts and all is a funny way to put it while also being very accurate ajshsjsn but if I dive into that this post though I'd end out discovering what's the word limit on Tumblr 😅

#am still exhausted so gonna sleep soon #i have no clue how to tag this properly 🤔🤔🤔 #asks #i should have a proper cool ask tag name but ill probably forget about it next time i get an ask cause i rarely get them. #anyways i love talking about scanlan i can never get enough of it so yhis whole exchange makes me really happy #theres also a layer of like. when any artist i admire chats with me i have yhis moment of like. holy shit picasso is in my dms #even if we've been friends for a while im like.. woah. #ok update words are not wording anymore but if i don't reply now ill forget so sorry for that #i think things should mostly make sense so it should be fine??? but like if you do end out wanting to reply to this too feel free to ask #me to explain wtf i was trying to say. dms are open and so is the asks button #though i guess you could always comment 🤔 ehh whatever you wanna do

[melto]

my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.

#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy #which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself #but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible #and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them #and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them #and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it #and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about #but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me #even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around #And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes #somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much #but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself #so everything they had said about me has been true for so long. #every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car #every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart #i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god #im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up. #i think im going to throw up right now. #deeply pathetic. #news with isaac