#in that i didnt wanna fucking lose my father for it

[orcelito]

What they don't tell you about losing a parent is that there is so so so so much to do

#speculation nation #my elder sister is gonna be executive of estate (once we get that sorted out bc we couldnt find his WILL) #so i thankfully wont have to deal with as much of the legal stuff #but im still gonna try to help out as much as possible #went through his papers yesterday and set up some preliminary stuff #gonna meet at the funeral home monday to arrange that. tuesday we're going to do some legal stuff for the will establishment #gonna have to take inventory of EVERY. SINGLE. THING. in his house. for tax purposes. #im gonna be inheriting a good amount of things probably. both a blessing and a curse #in that i didnt wanna fucking lose my father for it #but this is the hand we've been dealt and we're dealing with it. #i got excused from my last week of work Thank God so im hanging around longer than originally planned #gonna get my cats today. i fed them enough to last to today but that was when i thought id only be down for 2 days #no work to deal with now. i'll figure it out. #part of me's sad that it really ended just like that. didnt get to properly say goodbye to the store #but at the same time. my dad's death is so much more important. so i'll deal. #it was already gonna be a transitory time. but now it is INTENSELY so. #anyways thats why i havent been around much. i have quite a lot to do.

[gaminegay]

I just had what feels like every stress dream ever in a single hour

#Strangers coming to my house for a party unannounced when I'm trying to sleep #Cant find my phone (this is still true) #People from work also at my house going nuts #Fish and worms have somehow grown in all my glass bottles and now I gotta find tanks for them but i cant afford that but i also dont wanna- #-kill them and they've started eating each other. The people are still at the party. Still cant find my phone #Random ladies show up demanding I answer questions that make no sense and I wanna help but idk how to respond #People from work are still losing it. It's raining and pitch black out. Still can't find my phone. My father is there. #Some guests get their hand on a device that let's you shape shift?? But you gotta jam a giant needle right into your chest #And I was down at first but then i see people whose faces shift between multiple people frozen in agony #And people whose faces just look like objects an it looks painful and a friend from work wont let me leave and is gonna stab me #And finally one person who got the shot gets like. Millions of tiny mushrooms growing out of every pore #Their entire body transforms into a fungal bed in the slowest most painful death imaginable. And this happens to everyone #And I just fucking booked it out of the house finally acrew the phone screw the rain screw work. #And at THAT point I'm like wait fuck this is a dream. If I keep going something terrible will definitely happen again #Thankfully just the adrenalin was enough to wake e up and I didnt have to dream-kill myself #I gotta write this down in more detail somewhere #Alda rambling

[skyllion-uwu]

I'm gonna become the American Sicko

#/j but also no im gonna lose my mind #no killing people but i am gonna snap #i hate this house and i have no fucking money and getting a job is terrifying #even if i did get one id still have to stay here until i had enough saved up #my sister and mom are fine. its just my fucking dad i feel constantly on edge around #so like. sorry i wanna move out mom. its just my asshole father who can be fine one second and the next blow up at me #maybe hed be fine if i didnt have to constantly live with him #anyways i really want to self isolate from everyone now but were going to the beach so i dunno what i should do #sky vents like amogus

[nebucat]

elise critics annoy the fuck out of me tbh

#vent #thinking about this today #'her character is too flat / one dimensional' no it isn't you're just not paying enough attention or considering WHY she is the way she is #'she's selfish she wanted to choose sonic over the world!' and so what if she is selfish? she's a princess of a royal family #who never had a real friend in her life and never got a chance to actually LIVE and be a girl until she met sonic! #and on TOP of that - she's already lost her mother and her father. she's tired of losing people that are important to her! #she's a flawed character who has moments of vulnerability and impulsivity because she never was allowed to HAVE emotions! #and it grinds my freakin' gears when people try to come along and 'fix' her character - as if there was anything that needed to be changed #in the first place #no there isn't! you're misunderstanding her! #having characters - especially female characters - be flawed in media is so important #because 9 times out of 10 they always fall victim to the 'perfect girl who gets it right and is so much better than the male lead at #everything trope and never does anything wrong or selfish or make mistakes' trope and i can't fucking stand it man #its why i didnt really like princess peach all that much in the super mario movie. now THERE'S a one dimensional character imo #anyway i love when fictional women are allowed to be broken and flawed and ugly and be selfish and make mistakes and learn and grow from #said mistakes #i will defend canon elise until the day i die i stg #she's just a human being who was thrusted into an unhappy life and never knew real joy until she got a chance to experience it #and didn't wanna let it go

[nijisanji-brain-rot-fics]

luxiem x reader || them on your wedding day

a/n : i got rlly bored and honestly luxiem is my life support sooooo headcanons abt how luxiem would be like on yalls wedding day

anyways HAVE FUN PLS TELL ME IF I SCREW UP FORMATTING OR SMTH LOL

SHU YAMINO

would be the type to look calm before the wedding but fucking lose his shit when he sees you walking down that aisle

tears streaming down his face kind of crying, but then hides it when you get up to the front

'you may now kiss the bride' he would absolutely start tearing up again before kissing you

GIRL WHEN I TELL YOU RECEPTION WOULD BE LIT

magic tricks. thats all im gonna say. i dont know.

i feel like he'd be the type to lead ur first dance and whisper sweet shit while dancing

would be one of those people who starts crying during father-child dance

LUCA KANESHIRO

cute nervous smile when he sees you walking up that aisle

he would so be looking at you with puppy dog eyes

I JUST KNOW HE WOULD HAVE ONE OF HIS MAFIA MEN AS HIS GROOMSMEN JUST SO WHEN THE OFFICIATOR SAYS "if there are any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace", THAT ONE GUY WOULD GO UP BY THE FRONT AND FLASH A GUN AT THE AUDIENCE

YK FOR GOOD MEASURE

yall would probably laugh (except for maybe a poor soul who was going to object)

WHEN I SAY HES GOOD AT DANCING, HES ACTUALLY REALLY REALLY BAD AT IT

will accidentally trip on your foot

but will hide it ever so gracefully

mistugetsu un deux trois [help i cant spell]

IKE EVELAND

dawg he would dead ass be tearing up

hes trying his best not to cry but just ends up tearing up by the end

HE WILL PURPOSEFULLY CHANGE HIS LINES DURING YALLS MARRIAGE TO BE MORE "POETIC" [hes just a tryhard novelist]

hes actually good at dancing??? surprisingly??

hes defo living his romance novel life

WILL DO. EVERYTHING. THAT HE WRITES IN HIS FLUFFY ROMANCE NOVELS. TO YOU.

all those times he wrote dances within his novels, YEAH HE'S GONNA DO ONE WITH YOU ON YOUR WEDDING DAY [bonus points if the dance is in a book with a self insert of him and you]

MYSTA RIAS

MY MANS WOULD BE BAWLING

LIKE UR GONNA HAVE TO COMFORT HIM UP AT THE FRONT

he'd be really emotional about it, and we love that [NO HATE OK WE LOVE EMOTIONAL MEN]

he would definitely hug you when yall kiss

HE PRACTICED FOR DAYS FOR UR FIRST DANCE TOGETHER

HE DIDNT WANNA ACCIDENTALLY FUCK UP

hes defintely getting a LITTLE tipsy during reception

VOX AKUMA

SEXY MAN

the only one who wouldnt tear up honestly, like he'd just smile sweetly while u walk up the aisle

he would be SMITTEN while the officiator talks

just looking at you with the sweetest goddamn look a demon can muster

what do yall expect

he obviously knows how to dance, AND WELL AND ELEGANTLY

would be by your side THE WHOLE TIME IN RECEPTION

hand on waist, motherfucker AINT LETTING YOU GO [unless he had to, and ONLY if he had to]

------------------------

a/n: ty for reading :D THIS IS MY FIRST HEADCANON THING BUT LIKE YEAH [im biased with ike ok im sorry LMAO]

#vox akuma x reader #mysta rias x reader #luca kaneshiro x reader #shu yamino x reader #ike eveland x reader #headcanon #luxiem x reader

[yb-cringe]

alright wybie here's a free ask to talk my ear off about fitpac GO

this is like a trap isnt it ih gos ok yea

the thing that gets me abt fitpac is that its not that deep. and i dont mean that in an insulting way or that their impacts on one another arent expansive and hugely helpful but i mean it in that like. theres no catch. i love spiderbit for their complexity i love fitpac for their simple, slow, love

that by no means is me insinuating its not got its edges though. theyre just. sweet.

i think both of them have a lot of trauma when it comes to imprisonment and just general fear for their lives and while that could be said for a lot of people on the server i think whats important is that they’ve recognized that in each other? or at least fit has from what ive seen

and pac (and mike tbf) need a constant right now. things are crazy people are disappearinf theres no stability but they can always trust that fit will be there and he will listen and more importantly that he SEES them and will defend them

i think my thoughts abt them boil down to ‘pac needs consistency. a solid rock. he needs a recognizable pattern that doesnt change so he can have a safety net’ and ‘fit spent so long in survival he doesnt know how to just Live and he needs someone to be patient with him’

and its not easy for Either of them especially right fucking now. whats happened is that fit is trying to be the solid foundation for a bunch of people and its wearing him thin. and pac is just speedrunning traumas.

god the babysteps thing will forever be imprinted on the back of my eyes tho. like yeah fit needs to go rly fucking slow. hes a traumatized single father and hes fucking cautious about everything. always has been. letting someone into his life and giving them space in his heart is a big fucking deal. he just cannot afford to make that choice lightly. hell even ramón had to be patient for a bit

whats the fuckin saying like. fell first but he fell harder? wheres the ‘he fell first but didnt wanna think about it until he accepted it at which point he fell so fucking hard it would ruin him to lose it’ thats qfit. he literallt cannot even say the words date or romance or love or wven really Like in a romantic context about pac because shit will get too real and he needs to go slow rven if he has to FORCE HIMSELF to move slowly.

gkd i dont even know where to start with pac. he needs consistency so bad. and mike was that- mike IS that. pac is someone who needs company he needs someone to be near especially lately after his whole kidnapping thing where he was alone in that fuckin room after whatever they did to him—

hes been through so much shit and he just needs someone to stay- someone to turn to and know he’s got slmeone on his side. like pac in his own right is sort of paranoid —not the kind of way he has been recently though.

but like if you had to force tazercraft into designations of head and heart, pac would be the mind and mike would be the heart. pac is thinking ahead, he’s trying to force himself to move on because he knows mike wont, he’s trying to avoid doing things too crazy to keep them off the radar— he’s keeping them out of trouble when he can remember to.

not to say hes not chaotic and passionate in his own right but yknow. comparisons. but hes a thinker yjnow he plans for the future and if he doesnt have someone to be his safety net he fucking panics and doesnt do things he wants to because he’s worried about being caught out alone without any support

all of this to say that he doesnt Really think of romance more then Fun because he needs safety nets first. which is also kind of why the moving slow thing works for him because he’s definitely not going to realize how in deep he is like love wise until its too late. and he probablt cant even fuckin risk it right now considering yhh like Everything going on.

#sorry this ended up more as a character analysis and its so messy #i just have a lot of thoughts about them #long story short; gay men with ptsd love each other through recognition of the other and their flaws #and it makes my heart ache #qsmp liveblogging #asks

[sixosix]

I need you to know that I squawked at the cliffhanger of childe’s appearance. Lost my mind and almost threw my phone. Fingers crossed that Aether got to him before the banquet!

But to the chapter as a whole! There are?? So many things I wanna talk about? I’ll try to keep it somewhat short so I can fit it all into one ask but sienussnei-

I’m like 50 percent sure those strings pulled had something to do with the fauti. Something I remembered!! Not every person from the house of the hearth becomes one of the fauti! But they still do remain close to the group! My crack theory is that Rosalie is one of people in that latter group. Arlecchino was able to fully attempt an assassination on Furina without anyone knowing before or after( including the orphans in this as well since they don’t say thing about it as far as i know? And im absolutely positive they wouldn’t push for more info and take her at her word that she didn’t have the gnosis) and the only reason why it was a attempt and not a success is because she stopped herself! Either way though, considering her disguise used for that same attempt, I sure that the hooded figure was Father herself.

ALSO THE PINING OF THIS MAN!!! That polearm?? The sudden flip from fake to real the moment he saw Rosseland (I’m assuming that was the kitty in question) had led Thawed!Reader to him? The instant flirtations? Not to mention that despite the fact Thawed!Reader kept talking about kissing him, he refused!! Because he knew they were both drunk and not quite in their right minds to do that!!! THE MAN CARES!! It’s also a blessing and a curse rn that Thawed!Reader is kinda drunk. A blessing because she isn’t hiding her feelings as much, but a curse because she isn’t being subtle at all. The straight forward question she asked? Lyney isn’t drunk enough to forget that.

The callback to the last chapter too! She really does know lyney so well, even after all this time. He was right, she did know he was lying. And she’s just sitting there, trying to figure out what’s going on while Aether’s just sitting there like ‘you two nerds love each other.’ Not that she would admit it out loud. Yet. Also RIP reader, paimon and Rosalie are friends now, friendship forged by food. They aren’t gonna leave readers life once this is over and done. Say goodbye to your peace and quiet! (Although lyney may complain about that but that’s a different story-)

Losing my mind also over Rosalie and Thawed!Reader’s connection. She doesn’t even realize she is calling Rosalie maman!! But Rosalie does and it’s just so soft and sweet and family and rurnfjkeis. I’ve known Rosalie for 7 chapters and if anything happens to her I will kill everyone in this room and then myself.

Great chapter as always! I’m a little sad to hear regular updates are potentially stopping for a bit but I fully understand! Best of luck with school!!

-Deadman Aether Anon

deadman aether anon i wish you couldve seen my face when i saw your ask i literally lit up. and im sure that the other readers have been waiting for your thoughts as well, based on the tags of reblogs i read (“cant wait for deadman aether anon's insight now”)

HAHA i talked about this w my friend but i wanted to make childes appearance TERRIBLE. i wanted everyone to be like "FUCK. I LOVE YOU BUT NOT NOW." while childe shows up lke a celebrity in a disneyshow. it seems like it worked LMFAOO

INTERESTNG CRACK THEORY U HAVE!!!! the truth will be revealed eventually but i applaud u for how ure thinking of it. :D big brain as usual. it is also interesting to see people trying to figure out who the hooded figure was? deadman aether anon idk if u saw but there are other people guessing differently. im surprised bc i thought it was pretty obvious !!

YEAHH!! IT WAS ROSSELAND !!! i love rosseland and how lyney ended up making the cat his assistant-- that little backstory is so cute. rosseland is such a smart cat, too; writing that scene of leading mc to lyney didnt seem absurd in the slightest to me.

drunk t!reader is a mess kwdhkdfhd some drunk words are sober thoughts. and yes i think and know that lyney is a gentleman. even drunk he would always put reader first. always!

aether is so silly he came in there to blackmail someone and ended up playing secondhand matchmaker, if that makes sense LMFAOO i actually love aether and readers dynamic its so absurd when you look at it from a different perspective. its such a strange friendship they ended up making

yes ure right!!!!!1 im not sure if im portraying it well but reader calling rosalie maman is so ? subconsciously done. its like looking at a cat and going "here kitty". u look at rosalie and the way she treats reader and u go "thanks maman".

tysm for this ask!!!!!!!!! always such a delight to see you stopping by and sharing your thoughts, but i think ive said that every time by now LOL. and thank u too for the wishes T__T ill need them when i deal with chemistry <333 MUCH LOVE

#606:inbox #606: deadmanaether anon

[ascendedastarionapologist]

Dorian is verry easy to love, legit one of the cutest and most unique durge designs I’ve seen and all his lord is hella interesting! Anymore Dorian factoids about him and AA? I’m kinda interested in how he was with Astarion before he ascended (sorry if you’ve said before and I’ve just missed it)

sobing crying throwing up thank youuu i love my austic creature so much 😭 i wanted my self insert to be a furry and dnd has some very Furry races. im honestly a little suprised more people havent made their bg3 ocs a race other than whats in the game

i drew this a while ago but i didnt really like how it was turning out so i never posted it, but this is essentially what happened when they first met

so they kinda got off on the wrong foot and would kinda bully eachother but dorian is a freak and got a kick out of his snark and would play along, which astarion warmed up to. honestly they both enable eachother, just because theyre both self indulgent sorts of people. theyre a brat and hes a bitch so imagine how everyone else at camp feels. also dorian got that autistic rizz, theyre so blunt and genuine that they, kind of stupidly, just transparently say what theure thinking all the time, which ends up not just being endearing but also in astarions mind it makes them easy to manipulate bc he already knows exactly what they're thinking. dorian is such an easy target honestly, so when astarion started picking up that dorian was becoming warm to him astarions old training kicks in and propositions dorian in aims of exploiting that fondness. they lost their memory of their first time thanks to their worm lobotomy so they kinda freak like "oh man i dont wanna die a virgin and this hot guy wants to fuck i cant not do it" and thats pretty much as far as i thought about it, i wanna get into the later act 1 and act 2 stuff at some point but i havent actually thought about it all that much xD

but theres sooo much that goes into how the two approach astarion's ascention, their entire relationship has been building up to this pretty intense sort of codependence, wrapped up in eachother's circumstances that they really only see themselves. ig dorian's canon is pretty bleak, companions dropping like flies. the survivors would end up being dorian, astarion, shadowheart, and minthara. so by act 3 theyre really hurting for allies and for firepower. dorian is finding it harder and harder to handle the urge, and is determined to rip their father's influemce from their mind and body. so when they go to bhaal's temple and fucking dies when they reject him, astarion's mind just warps with the fear of actually losing dorian, and while they were codependent before, this event would really plant that seed of what his obsession and possesiveness as the ascendant would become. it wasnt just about freedom anymore it was about keeping what was his. dorian was cautious about him ascending, really just worried for astarion's well being and if something were to go ary, astarion convincing them of course with saying it would be best for him, that it would free him, that he would have the power to protect them both. and dorian is ride or die so they're all in for bogarding cazador's ritual.

and like. they do.

dorian never seen astarion so happy, so relieved. power radiated from him. dorian, being a cleric, is intimately familiar with the divine, that reverence reserved for prayer, that sacred respect for their holy symbols, the awe upon beholding divinity, now was recognized in the vampire ascendant. and he knew it too, "you hold your breath when i speak" astarion indulged this when he proposed turning dorian into his spawn/bride (i subscribe to the bride theory but i like the idea of dorian being reffered to either astarion's spawn or his consort) he turns the whole affair into body worship it was pretty epic. throw in come communion symbolism too why not

i have written way to much i must rest my brain now thank you for asking anon ^w^

#asks #custom durge #astarion ancunin #ascended astarion #dorian

[angelicalbones]

just rambling about current events in my life happening right now its a stupidly long whinefest

boyf has been hella depressed the past few days and ive been checking in like "hey do you wanna talk" and every time he says no and doesnt engage any further. he also has told me before about how I linger and suffocate him too much so ive been trying to just do my own thing until he wants to engage

this morning I get up and come sit out on the couch w him bc he once again did not come to bed and slept on the couch and he didnt say a fucking word to me didnt even look me in the eyes. which fine he does that, I curl up next to him and try to comment on the game hes playing and I dont even get the vaguest grunt in response.

Clearly he does not want to speak just like he didnt last night. AGain completely fine I will just go do my own thing so I dont just sit around awkwardly in silence and make him upset by being too close.

Cue him telling me out of no where he is going to his aunt's house bc he cant stand being in the house any longer. I have no issue w that but I can hear in his voice hes angry so I ask him whats wrong. Meaning 'what right now is making you angry' and he fucking snaps on me about how he hates being in the house and asks me if I think everything is fine which no I obviously do not think so but whatever I tell him its totally okay its fine he can go I wasnt gonna stop him I was just asking

he starts to say "im just upset that" and then stops himself and just says "well if you think its fine." and just books it out the door

if he comes home at all tonight I am fucking screwed. He is going to lose his fucking mind at me for giving him his space instead of sitting at his feet silently like a dog waiting for him to decide if he is going to give me any ounce of his attention. He will never fucking effectivly communicate when he would rather be sit w him v when I shouldnt I am literally just expected to know. I want to support him through fucking anything he is the love of my life but this depressive episode is coming at such severe cost to my already exceedingly fragile mental health.

hes just so god damn mean to me when hes like this I cant take it. Im exhausted of never having the right answer. Never doing the right thing. He will say I am the kindest most supportive partner to other people but the second I dont magically know which contradicting behavior he is expecting from me I am the cruelest most evil disgusting sociopathic abuser he knows. I dont know what to do about it. I have no family here. I'm completely alone. if this goes sideways my entire life is over

I have to quit my job, abandon all of my things and move back in w my parents across the country. He has roots here he has family who support him here. He likes to pretend hes this sad little island all alone when Im the one who has *nothing* to my name if he dumps me. He owns like 99% of the shit in this house not that I could move back w anything I own anyway I dont own the fucking car.

he holds my life in his hands but he is the persecuted victim here. hes the one who will lose everything bc of me.

Im realizing hes treating me the way his father treated him and he doesnt comprehend that. Hes being exactly like his father.

i dont know if I can fix that. i dont know what to do w this realization. i jsut wnat to sleep for a thousand years and wake up to a partner who doesnt hate me or lovebomb me.i just want a normal life for 5 seconds

[weebsinstash]

More drama and deets about Heart of A Lycan King because it's the newest story I'm listening to and binging lol:

(Also, uh, I didn't realize this until now because i just listen, i dont read along as well: if you're hard of hearing and REQUIRE reading, I actually do not recommend DreameFM/Wehear at all, for any story. Apparently the transcriptions are done differently than whomever submits, like, the voice work, i think it might actually be auto generated, and I have been noticing for a while now that all of the stories are transcribed basically only half correct. There is, um, HORRIBLE PUNCTUATION? You'll literally have a paragraph that instantly transitions from speech, to whom is speaking, to back to speech with not a single " mark)

There are actually two different people speaking in this highlighted portion ("Aaron, I-" is Natasha, being cut off as her wolf continues). awful grammar and accessibility. Also pretty sure her wolf's name is Erin but whatever

-you know how before I said I wished Natasha would speak up about Mateo not deserving her? She did say after the Mateo ass beating that she accepted his rejection because she didn't want him and also legit spits on his face albeit it causes a misunderstanding. Natasha goes from Aiden to Mateo who is wounded on the ground and Aiden loses his temper thinking she's comforting and going back to him and he picks her up and puts her kicking and screaming in his car, but it turned out she had spit on his face and was about to tell him to go fuck himself before she planned to go willingly

-as someone who doesn't know a lot about African culture, I really like the level of representation in this story, and also of just POC in general, like for example Natasha meets Aiden's mother who serves her staple African foods that she hasn't gotten to eat since her parents died like kubewa and tuwon alkama (WHICH I HAD TO GOOGLE AFTER HEARING BY EAR BECAUSE THE HORRIBLE TRANSCRIPTI0NS DIDNT EVEN SPELL THEM RIGHT) and also talking about her traditional clothing, her ankara and bobo gown, and I had to, again, look it up by ear, but Natasha greets Mama with "Ina quanah" which is Hausa for "good morning"

- Natasha knowing Hausa turns out to be incredibly important. Her mother is from the same tribe as Aiden's mother which means Natasha is not the full blood of her wolf pack, the Malakarians (I think that's how it's spelled, the subtitles literally say "the Koreans" 🤦‍♀️). The reason this is good is apparently, Natasha's pack has some dark myth surrounding it that literally everyone else but them knows and apparently in the past there was some huge issue when a Malakarian mated with a Lycan? Like Aidens father instantly orders him to reject her?

-Aiden deadass says he will give up the throne before he gives up Natasha. Oh my god we must protect these two.

-you know how I said when I heard the love interests name was Aiden and I expected him to be white. Well, Aiden is actually his middle name that he uses to uh, im assuming combat racism and colorism unfortunately. His true first name is Amari but he prefers Aiden apparently? Like it's very casually glossed over that his name isn't actually Aiden, his mom briefly refers to him by his full name and Natasha does not react

-I was a little harsh on Natasha in my last post, she very obviously has been deeply affected by the years of abuse and trauma. She's the kind of person who will smile in your face and say "why would I be mad, as a lowly omega isn't it your right to XYZ to me" even if she's burning with rage inside, being submissive to avoid pain. Aiden is having to be insanely patient with her and even her wolf has to kind of mediate. I was also wrong on her wolf too. You wanna know why her wolf barely ever spoke to her? Her wolf wanted to protect her and just poured all her energy into healing her wounds and since Natasha was just constantly hurt and abused and even self harmed, Erin/Aaron could barely speak, and she was also just insanely hella depressed before Aiden came around and she gave herself a pep talk

-dude someone's been on some fuckery and I'm pretty sure it's either Mateo or, you know what actually, I bet it's Aiden's mom (who even tells Natasha to call her Mama). Know why? Natasha randomly goes into heat without being marked or anything, and Aiden is just "this is actually really not normal, someone literally had to induce this, you should not be in heat" and like. It's actually so hella uncomfortable. She is literally in physical pain, and eventually kinda flirty and delirious and is acting a complete 180 different for being horny (which tbh is kinda how i see heats in ABO but, another time lol). Like one minute she is literally crying saying she's in pain and begging him to touch her and the next she's "if I sit here obediently like you asked me to, what's my reward ;3" But as the green flag king he is, Aiden stands his ground "no this isn't right, you aren't in your right mind, you can't consent, someone did this to you" and like, he BRIEFLY touches "her button" as they call it but he stops and he only did it cause she was, you know, howling in pain. Actually you know what I fucking bet it was Mama because the only other answer is that Mateo drugged her and why would he. Mama literally brought her food. I got my eye on you, sneaky bitch

-Aiden literally pours boiling water on the penis of a man who tried to rape an omega and was completely unrepetant about it and refused to apologize. Goddamn dude. I'm all for it but also OUCH. And when Natasha sees Aiden with the Omega, she gets instantly jealous (even though he was bringing the Omega to see the same therapist as Natasha)

-Natasha is described as having the scent of "ice and wildflowers" while Aiden is "pinewood mixed with cedarwood" so, I guess this is one of those "you have hyper specific scents per person" kinda deals, like ABO writers do sometimes

-Mama acknowledges and agrees Natasha should have therapy to help with their relationship so I don't think she's the one that drugged Natasha. Sorry Mama my heart is weak and easily swayed by suspicion 😞

-Leo, Aiden's wolf, used some pretty colorful language while Natasha was in heat btw,, something something "my sack is about to burst, I could give her at least TEN pups" like goddamn dude she's actually still a virgin, chill out, but also lowkey hot lmao. He and Aiden just kind of constantly rib on each other. That seems to be a common theme, the wolves going "let ME talk to her and do this so you don't fuck it up, dork" kinda behavior, like a sibling maybe

-Aiden gets fucking possessive and tells Leo he can't call Natasha 'Nala' and to get his own nickname and Leo deadass responds, I'm gonna do this WORD FOR WORD:

He scoffed.

"Very poor, Aiden, very poor! You think Nala is a fitting name for her? You've GOT to be kidding me. I was merely helping you say the name so you can confirm the absurdity. Let me make myself clear: you are not allowed to call her MINE when you hear it, because, jokes on you, she'll love mine more than yours."

"In your dreams," I mutter under my breath.

"Just wait until she sees me in all my full glory and hear me call her with a name like no other. Then you'll see."

LIKE YOU FUCKING DWEEB ASS WOLF 😂 he's speaking with this fucking old man syntax and having the attitude of a child. "You said I can't call her your nickname? W-well I didn't wanna anyways, in fact, I'm gonna make a new one and it's gonna be better and she's gonna wanna hug and kiss me forever" 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 this is definitely a nice change of pace from The Silent Alpha having Jack just straight up becoming a serial killing body snatcher. I can't wait to actually hear this nickname and it probably be the most roastable, goofy, basic bitch shit--

#weebreviews #weebwolves

[androcola]

I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT MICHAEL AND HIS MOTHER NOW PLEASE

How did she react when she found out her sister had her baby boy back at the ranch?

How much did they cry when they finally saw each other again?

Did Mike do the thing where the one person falls on their knees and hugs the other person with their face against their stomach?

How awkward was that for the other three?

I think initially mike was hesitant to let aunt kate tell his mom that he was back home, because he feared that maybe his father might still be there, and thats the last person he'd ever wanna see. But I think he and lucille divorced shortly after mike left, because that was the final nail in the coffin for the already extremely strained marriage. She definitely became very very very deeply depressed when mike left, she found it hard to work or to even get out of bed some days, all she did was cry and Allen couldn't stand it. I don't think he cared about his only son being gone, they already didn't have a good relationship. Obviously. So to make it short, no, he wasn't there anymore.

I'm gonna derail this ask a little cuz I wanna talk about them more specifically 💀

I feel like whenever I talk about mike and his mom, I make it sound like they had a great relationship! They,,, didnt really. It wasn't a bad relationship! It was just ,,,kinda unhealthy and probably had some kind of an effect on him by the time he was an adult. As I mentioned before, I feel like mike wasnt exactly,,,the first?? But he was the only chikd she seemed to be able to have, so that left her to have sort of an unhealthy relationship with him and vice versa.

(She probably was also a little unstable mentally because of the past trauma of complications and the strain of her bad marriage) so she doted on him Heavily and was certainly obsessed with him, and I think he liked it as a kid! Every kid would want lots of love from their mom, but I think as he got older it started getting weirder and weirder for him and I think it put a bit of a strain on their relationship. He still loved her deeply and she was the only person he ever loved (aside from Kate and his cousins) but needless to say their relationship was not perfect at all.

But I think it was a little better when they reunited (mainly cuz he no longer lives with her, so there's no way to judge really) but I think their reunion was very much needed for the both of them! I think she got it in her head that he,,,, probably had died. He hadn't contacted her for years and I think she just went through the mourning process as if he had passed away, so to see him again was very very overwhelming on so many levels, and it was very overwhelming for him too. There was definitely lots of crying and just blubbering from the both of them

I'd say it was a little awkward for the others, but more heartwarming than anything. I think Micky especially knew it was what mike needed, because no matter what he or them could ever do for his mental health, he continued to harbor that very very deep guilt and sadness for the way he abandoned his mother. He knew the way she was, he knew it would leave her absolutely broken, and he left anyway. It probably took him forever to finally truly forgive himself.

In the end it was definitely good for the both of them, and I think she tries her best to work and repair their strange relationship snd make it better on the both of them

But we can definitely see how her instability rubbed off a lot onto him with his later relationship with micky. He became pretty obsessed and almost with micky when they still lived together. He had that same fear of losing him or being abandoned by him, but unlike his mom, he never quite showed or ever voiced it. Not until davy and peter showed up but y'all all know about that

My final conclusion, mental illness runs in the fucking family

#asks #jathis #m&m headcanon #as we go along #i think the strain in their relationship definitely started to show when he became a teenager #naturally a teen is gonna want their space but she continued to try and smother him whenever she could see him #and even when he was an adult she had that ''even when youre 50 youll still be my baby'' kinda thing going on #she probably... treated him like a kid at times. talked to him like a baby. didnt take him seriously in the way he needed to be #they definitely had a fucked relationship #but it never lead him to hate her or never wanna see her again #mike: yeah my mom was kinda weird but im fine i turned out fine nothing happened to me im just fine #sorry for taking this in a pretty crazy direction. i just needed to get all tjis out #i love complexities

[thehandwixard]

for the character ask thing: jake the dog perhaps ?

YAY jake my friend ok

First impression: im gonna pull from 11 year old me for this i didnt think about him often but he was like. you know. cool presence like spencer from icarly. very funny character very chill guy

Impression now: hes probably the single most generally important character to understanding the overall Vibe of adventure time holisitcally. hes so important. he sucks. hes incredible. he struggles intensely with the fight between his spirituality and denial of pleasure and his fleshly desires. and he has so much flesh

Favorite moment: How to fucking pick. gut reaction is just most of the episode 'No One Can Hear You' because while that episode is famous for the deer with hands its famous to me because during my most recent rewatch of the show it was really where i went. oh. thats a psychotic break. this is a noticable pattern with him where he decides to not confront reality when its scary to him. its so fascinating. i think its the most frightening he ever is in the show, partially cause we are having this realization at the same time as finn is. that jake may not always be stable. second choice is princess cookie, as it comes well before jake's criminal past is strongly established and yet his empathy towards someone unstable in a rough situation comes Full Force. ill talk about this more in relationships because..

Idea for a story: I want to put him in resident evil 7 and 8 situations ive talked about this before. i want to put him in ethan winters situations. my current largest story idea for him is him slowly losing his sanity over a period of time trying to find finn while playing both sides in a war and losing sight of trying to stop it. I also want to write my own story kind of exploring his like. gestures vaguely unresolved feelings about his alien form. i dont think he should have ever gone back to complete normal it feels cheap.

Unpopular opinion: im the only one on this goddamn earth who understands the point of why he was kind of a deadbeat dad. i.e HE WASNT it was a messed up situation with no true irl counterpart. he wanted to be a mother. he has fantasies of being a mother up through the twilight of the series, and the fact that he was not present in his children's life while they were children is something that was completely out of his control because they grew up so fast. the fact he was not Allowed to nurture them is the tragedy of it!! ocarina is as much about kim kil whan reconciling the idea of his father being the way he is as it is jake trying to reach out for any connection that anything he cares about means anything

Favorite relationship: Finn and jake's relationship is quite literally the most important thing in the show and its so easy to flatten but its so so so so so so so complex and also. they love eachother. the depths of that love are unfathomable. simple as that. its a kind of undefinable relationship i find so compelling.. its. jake and finn rely on eachother so much youd think itd be unhealthy but it ISNT and its because they never expect anything from the other that they arent. jakes feelings about finn though related to that are so fascinating because he has a kind of consistent.. discomfort? whenever faced with the fact that finn can hurt people in a meaningful serious way. he doesnt like it. he doesnt like when finn, panicking in the water, attacks him. it makes him wanna shut down and not deal with the situation and its so interesting to think about. and this doesnt detract at all from how much jake depends on finn in a real, loving, genuine way. he loves that kid. hed get sick and die if he thought finn was turning out bad/like him. they protect each other (I AM FORCEFULLY DRAHHED OFFSTAGE WITH A CANE

Favorite headcanon: he loves any depressing indie game protag he has a plushie of mae from nitw and brad lisa at LEAST. I am also incredibly fond of jake and his fam being jewish but i consider that less of a hc given that in one title card art hes literally wearing a kippah

#wix.doc #at

[penguin--rat]

i might finnish this in the future but i dont rlly wanna anymore lol, i do like the concept though! rambles under cut

so! so. you See. this is all about my boy artyom (ZT001-058) and his dr volkov. i was gonna caption this "my father's love is suffocating me". for you see . dr volkov. he works at the facility, yes? and ohohho, hes not a father in simply a metaphorical way. NO hes his biological loser! the facility doesnt know that dr volkov is artymos dad - after artyom was born it was Immediatly known that he was a mutant. his mom died during childbirth. volkov thoguht "oh god, i lost my beloved, i cant lose my son too..." and basically went "No!!! NOT my fucking kid." n because they werent married. he just. refused to take a dna test. so they didnt have any proof. anyway, being a scientist at the facility, volkov becomes zt's primary caretaker. if the only way to see his son grow is to vivisect him each and every month, then so be it. if he has to electrocute him, tear his teeth out, take out part of his brain, he will do it. he can't lose any more. was also considering captioning this with a verse from polednice (noonday witch) by karel jaromír erben. the one i felt was most fitting was this one:

‘Give that child here!’ ‘Lord, forgive this sinner’s sins, my Saviour dear!’ It’s a wonder she still lives, For see—the Noonday Witch is here!

and i will soooo happily explain why. "Give that child here!" - the facility taking Artyom as soon as he was born due to his mutation, pretty clear "Lord, forgive this sinner's sins, my Saviour dear!" - volkov begging them not to think of him as a mutant so much, the 'sinner' and 'sin' being 'mutant' and 'mutation'. "Lord, forgive this mutant's wrong, my Saviour dear!" its like. this line sticks out to me so much to volkov. "Lord, forgive him, he was born a sinner, he is bound to sin!" its just!!! gah!! he's still calling the facility "saviour" though - they're the only reason he's able to see his son every day, after all. 'Its a wonder she still lives,' - this is an artyom mutation moment! he's a zombie, sorta, his heartbeat sucks so fucking much. his heart is so weak. hes like a zombie in the way that he eepy. its a wonder he hasnt succombed to his mutation yet. 'For see - the noonday witch is here!' - so, the 'she' in the previous line was about the noonday witch, but i dont care lol. this could be the facility again. this i interpret either as temnova, but shes not rlly involved w artyom !! so its like. "Its a wonder (baby Artyom) still lives, for see - the (Facility) is here!" . its a wonder neither the facility or mutation have killed him yet

Anyway. Another thing is how the poem ends. Basically, if you dont want to read it, its about a mother, her baby (its like 1 year old tops) and the noonday witch. the mother is cooking lunch, the baby is wailing. she cannot get it to calm down. the lunch is burning. she pokes her head out the window - 'Come for him, you Noonday Witch, then! Come and take this pest for me!’ - and she comes. when the mother sees her, she goes oh Fuck - either she didnt think she'd rlly come for a baby, or she thought the noonday witch wasnt real. either way, the noonday witch advances torwards the baby. the mother rushes to it and holds it so tight in a protective embrace. she holds it so so tight, as much as she can, desperate not to let the noonday witch take it from her. then, it turns 12:01.

Child clasped to her breast, he found, Lying in a faint, the mother; He could hardly bring her round, But the little one was – smothered.

She suffocated it with her tight embrace. With her love! isnt that so fucking cool?? so awesmoe??? 'my mothers love is suffocating me' it sure is buddy!!!! anyway this is very volkov-artyomcore.. 'oh, because volkov does horrible things to artyom like all the scientists?' i hear you ask. hehe. no! ill let you in on a secret. you see, the thing that ends up killing artyom is neither his mutation nor the facility:)

#ZT001-058 #dr volkov #pafl oc #doodle

[neowinestainedress]

hey im back again as a functioning individual and im here to unpack my thoughts on shattered glasses

first off, i love how this fic got dark with all the stalking and yandere behaviors like it can be so fun to read, though i know that it is just to show what a horrible person jeno is but i want more it (im sorry theres something wrong with my head 😭). and wow, their relationship is not exactly the same as the first part because in this, y/n can actually dare to ignore jeno or his calls and texts, and she lied about things too (like im sorry im just so shocked because idk if im dumb or just forgetful but how long was the jump from rose-colored glasses to shattered glasses???) because why do i feel like she is a different person even tho she is still the same naive and manipulated girl like uGHHHH!!! jeno too, i know it was in the tags but i was also surprised to him being a teeny tiny bit romantic to y/n?!?!?? with his “how lucky am i to have you” or “you truly are the best thing that happened to me” even tho we all truly know why he said that :/ it just amazes me how fast jeno can turn the tables around when the both of them are fighting and how y/n quickly apologizes like when she told him that her friends know about their relationship!?! like girl, y/n stand up please why the hell are you afraid of him leaving you. but i guess i can understand her cause a bit(?) of her childhood and her relationship with her parents has been revealed. and god her father infuriates me so much 😪 (istg the psych major in me is about to unleash and make a wholeass case study on her and jeno :3) i know she doesnt have a good relationship with her brother but like jaemin infuriates me too like i was scoffing and rolling my eyes the whole time i reading through their interaction with y/n like its great he’s concerned, also cause jeno is his best friend so he knows how horrible he is but !!! at least y/n was able to wake tf up on how toxic her relationship with jeno really is. and the ending too !!! idk why i find it hard to believe everything that came out of jeno’s mouth in that scene because really, he was envious of y/n?!??!? what kinda bs is he making her believe now :/// but then again, there’s probably an explanation or theory on why the both of them turned out that way (nnghh im sorry again 😭) apparently there’s something wrong with y/n’s head too because in that scene where jeno admitted to stalking her and beating jaehyun up, she stayed and didnt leave him like that is actually so SOOO scary irl omg please what the fuck is the spell jeno put on her. i am intrigued curious looking forward on what happens next and i cant wait for the day y/n actually breaks free from jeno’s chains just as much as he is free from his demons >< tho i just read your answer to my previous ask and i respect your decision on not writing a third part for this series. i just wanna say that i enjoyed this fic and series very very very much like i actually passed an activity late because as i said i couldnt function after reading this last night. i literally was huffing and puffing unconsciously thinking of y/n’s life choices and a huge part of my day was spent zoning out trying to think of the events in this fic or like what will it take for her to actually have the guts to leave him.

ANYWAY!!! im sorry this got too long, it just seriously affected me 🥹 but yeah, have a good day and i hope you never lose your passion for writing 🫶🏽 i will probably be going through your masterlist and try to forget that i have a life outside of my bedroom. -♏️

ps: can i be ♏️ anon if its okay with you?!?

first off, i love how this fic got dark with all the stalking and yandere behaviors like it can be so fun to read, though i know that it is just to show what a horrible person jeno is but i want more it (im sorry theres something wrong with my head 😭)

no i agree, i think it's interesting to dig deep into these things. morally grey characters will never bore me and also it's kinda therapeutic, idk, it gives me the illusion i'd be able to point out similar behaviours irl and don't fall in the trap.

it has been 6 months since the end of rose-colored glasses. i think it feels different because in the first part they weren't dating until more than half of the story. like she was the worst hopeless romantic on earth and he was (still is) the biggest asshole so their relationship was less serious, unlike this part. also in the first part, she was the only one that seemed in love so maybe now it looks like she's less blindly in love just because jeno is the one that lost his mind. in my mind she is a bit stronger though, for example when they fight after coming back from the club, she snaps back and tries to leave and she is also quite firm about it but jeno's manipulative skills are just too strong. surely you know it better than me since you studied psychology (my high school years are not enough, sorry) but he switches from attacking her to loving her (love bombing her or telling her she is the one that doesn't know how to love) as soon as he realizes he's losing control, and it works because on the other hand, as soon as she gets a bit of love everything else disappears (we will blame her father for that). the only thing that seems like a red flag for her is the bet, though, she realizes he's maybe lying to her only when that thought crosses her mind and it sucks because she seriously cannot see anything else. the same thing happens in the end, she's terrified he's the cause of everything but when he confesses she stays anyway and comforts him. also she thinks he's lying but then she's like 'oh, but he finally opened up with me so all the lies he fed me with don't matter anymore,' i want to hug her and drag her out of there.

and god her father infuriates me so much 😪 (istg the psych major in me is about to unleash and make a wholeass case study on her and jeno :3)

PLEASE DO IT i might need it if i'll write more

jaemin is... jaemin. i mean i don't want to defend jeno but let's be honest, it might be true that he also just wants to come between her apparent happiness, until ningning brought it up he was like ??? my sister??? is she here??? is she at home??? idc *shrugs* so yes, he's becoming more protective but i truly think that the only people she can trust are ning and yeri. also the 'funny' thing is that jaemin doesn't truly know how terrible jeno is. nobody, except her now, knows it so jaemin wants to protect her from things that aren't as problematic as the reality.

idk why i find it hard to believe everything that came out of jeno’s mouth in that scene because really, he was envious of y/n?!??!? what kinda bs is he making her believe now :/// but then again, there’s probably an explanation or theory on why the both of them turned out that way (nnghh im sorry again 😭) apparently there’s something wrong with y/n’s head too because in that scene where jeno admitted to stalking her and beating jaehyun up, she stayed and didnt leave him like that is actually so SOOO scary irl omg please what the fuck is the spell jeno put on her.

jeno is genuine in this one, as genuine as a person with manipulation as a love language can be lmao. but the last part of their fight was truly a confession. i don't want to spoil in case i might actually write another part but yes, he has something that's clinically wrong, and she has something too. they both clearly have unresolved traumas to work with. it is scary that she didn't leave, but for me is actually sad because she craves love so much that she'd rather stay there, even if jeno 'gave her'* an opportunity to leave than find healthy love. * we all know he would've started stalking her again but at least the illusion of freedom and than she could've always sued him.

i am intrigued curious looking forward on what happens next and i cant wait for the day y/n actually breaks free from jeno’s chains just as much as he is free from his demons >< tho i just read your answer to my previous ask and i respect your decision on not writing a third part for this series. i just wanna say that i enjoyed this fic and series very very very much like i actually passed an activity late because as i said i couldnt function after reading this last night. i literally was huffing and puffing unconsciously thinking of y/n’s life choices and a huge part of my day was spent zoning out trying to think of the events in this fic or like what will it take for her to actually have the guts to leave him.

i am too actually, i'm just a bit sad because it really underperformed (is this even the term? idk, i'm tired sorry) and i'm a bit meh :/ since i was really proud of it and i seriously enjoyed writing it. i'll write another part just for the two of us okay??? /j (or am i??) no but seriously i have the plot ready so maybe i'll write it taking more time and then i'll post it anyway. btw i'm very happy to know you liked it so much, i'm sorry i broke you, i'll make it up in some other ways. so thank you so much for unpacking your thoughts, i loved reading them! i also hope i won't lose it but life is putting me through a hard test lately. i hope you will read something that won't 'traumatize' you like this one, i promise i have lighter stories. have an amazing day! ♡♡

and yes you can be ♏️ anon ♡

#anon answered #♏️ anon #fic: shattered glasses

[giftedeath]

just rewatched lifeserial and it had me thinking so hard abt how much buffy has to go through that season gahh like its one of those episodes that is very fun while also being very sad. i mean its fun to me bc we get spuffy antics that episode and i love their lil antics so much <3 kitten poker <3 her going to spike bc he loves the brawl and she loves the brawl but being disappointed in how brawl-less it ends up being. but anyway thats just my spike and buffy brain talking what is really tragic and upsetting in this episode is everything that happens w giles. him coming through for her with the money and she's like 'knowing ur always going to be here makes me feel safe' they joke in the episode how giles doesn't wanna be her mom or her dad cant he just be her rakish uncle! but at this point her actual father is tht shiftless absentee dad, and i think about this all the time bc its probably just the writers decision not to include him for screentime purposes or w/e less abt plot but in doing that they're saying 'buffy's dad is so far gone that he did not go to his ex-wife's funeral, probably didn't even go to his own daughter's funeral and he sure isn't there for the fifteen year old that is now without any family! oh and now that my eldest is magically alive i still do not give one fuck.' which is crazy, but its established very early on that giles is something of a father figure to her, and probably the reason the writers didnt have her Real Dad around. like at first yeah maybe he was just her uptight, preachy, watcher but by season six he's so much more than that and so yeah in that moment in this ep when she admits to him that its like her mom is back, that she's not alone, that a weight had been lifted bc for one moment she didn't have all these responsibilities and obligations that normal twenty - one year olds don't typically have so early on. that is the culmination of seasons of giles always being there, and supporting her, and loving her like she's his child. and it makes me think all the way back to surprise/innocence when joyce finds out buffy loses her virginity to angel and so does giles, and giles feels a sense of responsibility in a season early as 2, to have that knowledge of what buffy's going through, when the only other adult in her life who knows is joyce. its giles and joyce and when its not joyce its giles! and then what happens when its not giles? and its only buffy? i dont know its just such a tragic spin to the narrative to have giles leave, and for their relationship to deteriorate the way it does, and not even really ever recover. bc i would say it gets significantly worse in season 7 actually. maybe if we had more seasons we could have seen them properly reconcile but giles leaving accomplishes exactly what he sets out to do. he leaves bc he believes that she relies on him and that him being her father figure has gone too far/he wants her to stand on her own, which she does i think. but that doesn't mean buffy's going to not be bitter about it? i actually would argue and say it feels like probably the biggest betrayal she has ever experienced at this point. which is why in my head, them being so tense in s7 makes sense. i do think w time buffy would forgive him but its one of those things where i just think the bitterness would stick for at least a few years! given the context.

#i dont think giles ever had ill intentions for buffy i believe w my whole chest he thought him leaving would be best for her #but like she's a 21 yr old who has to take care of her 15 yr old sister and has no source of income #and who is severely depressed bc life isn't what she had thought it would be despite being so good and doing so much good #then the only person who is really there for her like a dad should be pulls the shiftless absentee act !? #its a betrayal in her eyes and i love giles i rly do but its just not something she could easily get over #rip this makes me so sad #why are you full of rage ? / because you are full of grief › meta. #i. i am the shape you made me › giles. #long post /

[sleeqwalkinq]

vent . tw || — bpd . manipulation . self harm .

all i ever do is hurt him. genuinely. all. of. the. time. and i cant stand myself for it. i do it subconsciously. i want to be able to stop but it is so hard. i know im manipulating him but i cannot stop no matter how hard i try. i dont know why he puts up with me. before , like a yr into our relationship i was fine and we were happy and i kept all of my bpd fits to myself. now that were almost 4yrs in, i take it out on him because im more comfortable. being more comfortable with someone does NOT warrant you abusing them daily. it hurts to see and hear him hurting because of me. but i cannot stop. it ruins me day by day because i either am getting so mad at him over random things that have no value to warrant my anger or im just straight up telling him he doesnt love me anymore because he didnt answer my text fast enough. he tells me it hurts him constantly and i always say i understand and wont do it again but i always do it again without fail. he told me that when i tell him he deserves someone better it hurts him because it feels like i dont wanna be in a relationship with him anymore and i kept doing it until he basically told me he was gonna break up with me if i kept doing it!!!!!!!

i want to be good for him, i really do. i know he loves me dearly and wants to be with me forever, yet i constantly need reassurance from him.

at one point this year it got so bad whenever he was with me and he made me slightly upset i would lock the door to the room i was in and start cutting myself as he banged on the door to beg me to stop. this is a really awful thing for me to admit to. at the time i didnt do it for manipulation i do want to clarify. i was in an awful mental state and had nothing else to turn to when things went wrong. i see now that this is SUPER manipulative and i should have NEVER done it no matter how much i was hurting and unable to cope. the guilt that follows me for this haunts me everyday and i constantly want to apologize for this but im not sure how. ill tell him someday.

i really want to reach out for help for my problems because i am pretty sure the only way ill get better is with therapy, but ive been putting off finding a nee therapist. my mother doesnt know about any of these things, and is sending me to therapy about my fathers passing, but i want to also have it as an outlet to treat or lessen my abusive behavior. i want to get better . i need to get better. it destroys me everyday knowing all i ever do is abuse the ones i love. i truly do not want to atall. it tears me apart. living with this mental illness is ripping me apart.

also another thing that i just wanna add— I AM NOT HOPPING ON THE BPD BANDWAGON. i understand that its considered a “trendy” mental illness but i would like to clarify i am no where near that. infact- i have been researching and questioning about bpd for YEARS. wayyy before it became a “trend” to have it. if i could choose a reality where i was normal- i would. this illness is destroying my relationships and my mental wellbeing. anyone who self diagnoses from tiktok who has not done proper research is fucking stupid. why would you want to live with an illness that does irreparable damage to you and all of your relationships? who would want to constantly unwillingly abuse their parter, friends, siblings… etc. who would want to deal with hallucinations? who in their right mind would want to unwillingly get so physically and mentally attached to someone that if you dont speak to them for more than a few days you start to genuinely lose your mind and question if they still really want to be with you? who would want any of this? i dont think they understand how horrible this illness is to live with and it pisses me off.

anyways yeah. downloaded tumblr for this because i wanted to get shit off my chest . i hope i can also use this account in the future to listen to my silly alex g as i type about my issues. its 1:57 am — goodnight all.

#bpd #bpd problems #mental abuse #abuse recovery #emotional abuse #therapy #actually bpd #bpd things #bpd splitting #bpd vent #gaslightingawareness #mental illness #spread awareness #bpd awareness