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neptuneholub · 2 years

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at the risk of sound sincere

written the 25th of september, 2022

by neptune p. holub

i have learnt how to romanticise even the smallest of experiences

today i had helped my father in the garden to break apart a clump of root rotted soil

throwing the shovel into the garden bed like i used to throw javelins at a school sport carnival

i picked out bugs and threw them over the fence for the chickens to eat

and my father remarked that my old dog used to eat those bugs too

i go inside and wash my feet in the (once) pristine white sink

the same way i used to when i was a kid

i have learnt to cherish even the tiniest moments of beauty

the head of my bed is pushed right against my floor to ceiling to window

my old blinds were so broken i never opened them because it took an hour to close them

eventually my mother got mad at me never opening them so she forced them open

surprise, surprise, it broke, so i finally got new ones

i cover it with a semi see through purple fabric

i pull up my blinds, open the window, let the morning sun cast purple light across my room

i curl up with my dog and watch rain hit the flowers

i awake at night and watch the stars slowly drift across the sky

i dont light incense as much as i used to because my dog sleeps in my room now

i use my weighted blanket more because it’s soft and calms me down

i spray hello kitty branded perfume on my pillow and dream of watermelon and bubblegum

i have learnt to fall in love with every person i meet

my last day of high school was on a wednesday

friday afternoon, the entire cohort was invited for a buffet meal at a fancy dinner

i wrote a collection of letters, for people i was never quite friends with but that i loved regardless

for teachers who i’d known for few years and had somehow touched my hearts

for people i never wanted to see again but wanted the closure to tell them why

i handed out the letters and left so i couldn’t see their reaction

despite my avoidance, two letters were sent to me in turn

and four different people hugged me, threatening spilt tears from my words

every person i know, for ten years or one, has somehow found a way into my heart

the least i can do is somehow let them know of it

i have learnt to speak my mind carefully and clearly

in autistic wonder and joy i have found honesty to be so easy and natural i could never abandon it

in the events of any event i have found my opinion to be worthwhile, or at the least relevant

in my own life, as i exist loudly and proudly, i refuse to shy away from what i mean

and at the risk of sounding sincere, i know i am indulgent of my emotions

i romanticize dirtying a bathroom by cleaning my feet

i am most relaxed as i listen to rain hit the driveway pavement

i write letters for people i frankly wished i could’ve been better friends with

at the risk of sounding sincere, i say my thoughts

everything dreamy, and sappy, and sweet, and soft

at the risk of sounding sincere, i share my sincerity

because it’s all that’s left of me that feels natural

#my poetry

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sleevesareforlosers · 3 years

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really a twitterverse question but are people (really just cherri/newsie/chimp) ever confused/surprised by the way the fab four (particularly kobra) are with the baby Girl??? i was thinking about how Same Old Antics is partly about reputations/the way people are perceived and the juxtaposition of kobra’s reputation and his interactions w the Girl is so interesting to me that i wanted to ask like how does seeing kobra w the girl affect cherri’s opinion of him and vice versa with him & the twins

oh this is an interesting one! i'm gonna try to be coherent but if im not just lmk and ill try again skdjfh

short answer: no. its not surprising

long answer:

the thing with the girl (in all my canons but ill focus on twitterverse here ofc) is that the fab four dont really... advertise that they have her? theyre already Very wanted by the city (even moreso in SOA) and the girl is Also very wanted by the city so they try to keep a low profile and not like. spread around that theyre raising this highly wanted and important child (BLI knows abt her powers but the fab four kinda dont) bc otherwise the pursuit would be so truly relentless. sure, they take her places and they dont really Hide her but if you consider that cherri didn't know they had her despite it a) being up on the fab fours reputations and b) being Really close with doc who's like... the reason that the four have her then yeah, its not common knowledge that the fab four have a kid.

but like. esp kobras reputation doesnt really have to do with anyone else? like he doesnt have a reputation as being an asshole or being widely hated or a loner or anything he's got a reputation of being a fucking good racer, a quick fighter, and a bit easy. none of the fours reputations Really have to do with them being idk, cruel, just standoffish and wild and yknow, teenagers/young adults (like age range 19-25) in the zones. when you contextualize them as parents/guardians/whatever then things like kobra and ghoul never inviting their hookups back to the diner, party being a bit reclusive and mysterious, even jet having like. a Thing with mad gear but not touring with him or anything starts to make sense.

for the twins their interactions with kobra/the four before they found out about the girl were 1) a mostly-chance encounter in zone five (only two of them) 2) a trade where somehow a toy robot meant more to kobra than getting revenge on cherri did (and only three of them went into the hideout) and 3) a bar fight where again, the whole crew wasnt there. so taking those encounters and combining them with the well-known fact that the four had taken a risky and short-notice run into the City and the lesser-known fact that doc had intel in an important kid needing to get out of the city in the same timeframe, cherri puts those pieces together really fast when he sees the picture that kobra had in his backpack during the race

all this to say that cherri rolls up to that shipment interception and comes face-to-face with the girl for the first time and is met with a) jet, clearly unenthusiastic about it interacting with their kid b) kobra, fairly neutral on the whole thing but him and cherri had also had. a few more encounters then the rest of them and c) party outright telling it to fuck off and not talk to their kid and it goes "oh these motherfuckers are protective"

newsie was probably more surprised but also zie had even Fewer interactions with the four and didn't really see them with the girl until after party had been taken which really had everyone thrown for a loop. chimp was the least surprised bc well, the four had nothing against her when she met them, really, other than maybe thinking she had bad taste, so there was no animosity like there was with the twins. she managed to sweet talk them into letting her hold the girl on the first meeting by smiling and asking and , behind her, pony and doc flashed a thumbs up at a suspicious-looking jet

and like, despite them being not nice to outsiders (to say the least), theres nothing about their reputations to suggest that theyd be mean to each other. crews (esp in my canons) are SO reliant on liking and trusting the other people in them, if the four have a kid its not out of a sense of obligation or anything, its because some part of them Wanted to raise a kid and theyre gonna do their goddamn best with her. if that includes four highly-lethal and wanted rebels stacking blocks and babytalking at a toddler whose first five words included three swears then hey, so be it

god god god okay you already god a short answer but to sum up (again) its not surprising as much as eye opening, throws a bit of light on why the four act like they do about certain things.

#twitterverse #sorry i completely lost the plot on this one if it answered your question at all ill be so so so surprised #anonymous #uh. you can send follow up if you want ill try not to write another goddamn essay abt it

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innittowinit · 3 years

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Abandoned amusement parks are the best place for young children (chapter 22)

Fic summary:

Techno, Tommy, Wilbur and Phil have been hanging out at the abandoned amusement park in the woods since they moved in. Techno likes knowing he's definitely alone with his brothers Tommy likes climbing on the old rides Wilbur likes having a place to play his music Phil likes spending time with his younger brothers

That is, until a group of brothers calling themselves the 'dream team' move in down the road. Will the sleepy boys give in and share the park or will they succeed in scaring the new kids off?

Chapter summary:

It's wednesday. Eret was still plauging on their mind's and yet they still had to meet up with the Dream Team

Chapter word count: 2123

AO3

Something just.. wasn’t right.

They had shown up invited this time, had made extra sure they weren’t being threatening (he hadn’t even brought his nerf guns!) and had watched multiple videos on how you're supposed to treat your friends and still, the ‘sleepy bois’ were acting like they didn’t want to be here.

Or maybe it was like 2/4 of the brothers who didn't want to be there. Techno and Wilbur were both acting off, very off. For a while, Dream had panicked that this may have been their fault, that he or his brothers may have done something unintentionally horrible enough to completely destroy the only sembilience of trust they had - but the more he watched them, they seemed more sad than angry, more hurt than annoyed.

The first warning sign had been Wilbur snapping at Dream.

===

While watching Techno play some game about farming on his DS, Wilbur sat braiding a section of his hair. Recently he had been trying to learn from both Niki and various youtube tutorials, the action of doing someone’s hair was strangely relaxing and it often left him a little upset at the fact that he had no sisters. What he did have instead was Techno and -in his opinion- Techno’s hair was far prettier than any of the girl’s in their class.

Braiding got hard and confusing but it calmed him down, the repetitive action felt similar to how he felt while clicking on a fidget toy but slower. It kept his hands busy but he had to keep his mind active to make sure he was keeping it aesthetically pleasing, it was really just a nice way to wind down. Plus! Techno liked it too!

The events of earlier that day still plagued his mind. It hurt so incredibly much to try and accept that someone he had trusted so much would betray them so easily. Was Eret ever their friend? Was it a joke from the beginning? Would there ever be anyone who would want to actually be their friend? It sure as hell didn’t feel like it. Everybody would always say they loved them then leave, just like Eret, just like their parents.

Being with his brother helped though, it reminded him that, despite everything, he had three people who were always going to love him and have his back.

Tommy was always going to be chaotically positive. Phil was always going to be strangely parental. Techno was always going to be his best friend.

As much as he believed that blood was thicker than water, the human body couldn’t survive on it’s blood alone, it needed water too. He had his brothers but friends like Niki were unfortunately far too rare.

The comfort of being alone with his brother was quickly cut short as Dream had approached, clad in a green hoodie and a new mask. It looked hand made, like they had paper mached it around a balloon and drew on the face with a sharpie, there were also a couple stickers stuck to it but they were pretty small and looked like they were from shows that Wilbur hadn’t watched. Still though, he looked happier than the last time they saw him (that wasn’t hard to do though, he had his mask this time.)

“Hey guys” The boy had hummed as he sat down near the twins, pulling his knees up on the bench and holding them close to his chest. “Why’re you alone? We were going to play bulldog in the forest if you want to join in”

Wilbur just stared back at him, talking felt like such a hassle right now, he didn’t even want to deal with it. It was just so exhausting.

“Uhm...so you don’t wanna talk.. That’s fine uh” Dream had spluttered out, clearly not expecting such a non-response from Wilbur who was usually the most eloquent one out of the four brothers. “That’s fine, that’s cool. You don’t need to talk if you dont wanna!”

Wilbur almost felt bad. Almost. It was clear that Dream was making an effort, it was clear he was trying his best, if this had been when they first met Dream would have likely made fun of him for not talking but he had learnt from spending so much time with them that sometimes people just didn’t want to talk. As nice as it was to know he was trying to be helpful, Wilbur really just did not want to talk to anyone right now. In all honesty, he didn’t even want to talk to Techno. All he wanted was to sit silently and braid his brother’s hair.

“So uh” Dream cleared his throat, looking to Techno this time when he finally accepted Wilbur wouldn't be communicating with him. “Do you two wanna play bulldog with us? Phil and Tommy are gonna play”

Techno took one look at Wilbur and shook his head. Personally, he wouldn’t mind playing with them, making some new friends might be nice after everything that had just happened but Wilbur was just very clearly not up for talking to anyone.

Sometimes people were upset, sometimes you just needed some time to strop and get out all the negative emotions. Techno wasn’t in any position to tell Wilbur he couldn’t feel the way he felt.

“Oh? Do you want us to wait until you’re finished with your DS? What’re you playin’?”

Shuffling over on the bench, Dream tried to take a peek at the game, seeing Techno tapping quickly on different buttons as his character farmed some crops. It didn’t look too interesting but hey! He had learnt that he shouldn’t insult people for what they enjoy.

“Jesus fucking Christ Dream!” Wilbur finally snapped, pushing the boy away roughly. Maybe he was being a bit short-tempered and mean, maybe they had specifically set up this day so they wouldn’t end up fighting but god dammit Wilbur was upset and he was absolutely ready to make that everybody else's problem.

“Just go away! We don’t want to play your stupid game!”

It was clear that Dream had been a little upset by what Wilbur had said, staggering back a little and getting up from where he had been sitting. Despite the fact that neither boy could see his face they could somehow still read his expression, maybe because he was overly expressive with his body parts to make up for the covered face.

“Oh um.. Okay I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you”

Techno sighed, giving Dream a sympathetic look as if to say sorry and then giving Wilbur a bit of a stern glance, clearly upset with his brother for getting mad like that.

Wilbur didn’t care.

Techno could furrow his brows all he wanted, Wilbur was mad.

=== The second warning was a passing comment made by Wilbur.

This time, the twins had finally decided to join in with the group, it had been right after everyone else had finished playing Bulldog so they were pretty out of breath, meaning all they were doing was sitting around talking.

Tommy was leading the conversation, hopping around and pointing to all his favourite climbing places, every now and then he’d grab someone by the hand and tug them up to show them something. It felt like he really just could not be tired out. Even so, the boy was good at reading people, it wouldn’t be surprising if he was acting extra energetic because he had noticed his big brothers being upset and wanted to give them the chance to pull back from talking if they felt like it. He was young, yes, but out of all four brothers he was probably the one who was best at understanding his own emotions.

“So over there is the big dipper!” He was jumping up and down as he pointed to a large blue drop tower that was partially under the ground. “It goes up super high but then it goes into this big pit! Sometimes I like to climb to the top and sit there!”

Phil’s eyes went wide “Tommy you what?!”

George wasn’t too interested in this explanation of the rides, if he was being honest, he was just sleepy from doing so much exercise after already walking around all day at school. The boy flopped backwards into the dirt, taking off his sunglasses and folding them besides him as he closed his eyes.

It felt nice to just lay in the sun, his brothers teased him a lot for always being so sleepy (it wasn’t uncommon that he would miss appointments or commitments because he hadn’t set an alarm) but it was just so nice and so relaxing to just ignore the outside world for a moment and think. Sometimes he felt like he’d probably be good at meditating but then again his brother’s would absolutely not leave him to chill out long enough for that.

He had been expecting to be either left alone to doze off in the sun, or for one of his brother’s to tug him up and make him stay awake, what he was not expecting was for Wilbur and Techno to join him in laying down.

“The sun is nice today” Techno had mumbled as he closed his eyes, clearly getting a little more comfortable with the boys than he had been previously.

Understandably, George was shocked to hear him talking but he decided that maybe it would help if he didn’t bring attention to it and make it a big deal, he knew Dream was only able to show his face in their house if everyone made sure not to comment on his birthmark, if they did the mask was always brought back out.

“Yeah..it’s nice but it makes me tired.”

Wilbur nodded,George was right a lot of the time; it felt light and warm, unlike the humid air that had caused him to snap earlier. Honestly he felt a little bad about it, he had obviously hurt Dream and he didn’t even apologise. Phil would surely be disappointed in him if he heard about what happened.

“I don't understand why you guys are trying to be our friends” Wilbur confessed, scooching up a little closer to Techno so he could hold his hand. “I understand liking Phil and Tommy but why us? Nobody likes us. Sometimes I wish you would stop trying, I already know how this is gonna end”

Wilbur rubbed at his eyes with his free hand but it wasn’t like the other two could tell since they had their eyes closed thankfully. George wanted to object, to tell them that they did like them and that this wasn’t going to end how he thought it would but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He didn’t know what Wil meant when he said how it would end and it wasn’t like he could just tell them they were wrong about their previous experiences with people. He ended up pondering what he could say for so long that by the time he had a plan laid out in his mind it had been too long to reply and he had already unknowingly made the decision to just stay quiet.

Dream had heard him though. Dream had seen him rubbing at his eyes. Dream had noticed how he held onto Techno before talking about it.

Something was definitely wrong.

===

Eventually Dream decided that enough was enough.

Today was the day when they would finally talk it out, there should be no upset, no turmoil, no arguments, and yet here they were, upset.

At first, he had been tempted to just call them out in front of everyone but under better thought he realised that was most likely a very very bad idea. He wanted to help, not make things worse.

Instead, he just waited for Tommy to drag his brothers and Phil over to the ‘white house’, saying he had to show them around. It seemed like Techno and Wilbur were planning on staying back so really it was the perfect time to talk to them about it.

Once everyone else had left and was out of ear-shot, Dream made his way back over to the boys, absolutely ready to get yelled at again (which really he didn’t mind if it helped Wilbur feel better). This time though, he didn’t sit down; he just stood in front of them and crossed his arms, wanting them to know he was being serious.

“Wilbur. You’re obviously upset, okay? I understand if you’re mad we’re in your park and we’ll leave if you want us to but can you please just talk to us first?”

Wilbur sighed and rested his head on Techno’s shoulder.

Something wasn't right.

#technoblade #wilbur soot #philza #ph1lza #tommyinnit #sbi #sleepy bois inc #dream team #dt #dream #georgenotfound #sapnap #fanfiction #fanfic #mcyt

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void-official · 5 years

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“Micro-identities/’Mogai/ya’ll literally just be making shit up now” OK. i’m sorry im stuck on this and this is the last i’ll talk about it today bc fuck it. I’m gonna be Real for a second. And it’s going to be awkward, and it’s going to be long, and I’m gonna Lose Follower bc defending micro-labels is Cringe. Whatever. I get it. go ahead and unfollow. The rest of you who actually care. and in the spirit of Pride Month, as someone who feels like they’re almost never allowed to express Pride in who I am? Here we go.

I’m bi. Most of you can probably tell, im not exactly subtle about it.

I’m bi. But

my actual interest in dating or having sex with Anyone has been pretty much negligible for my entire life. I just don’t Care. I never have. Dating and sex seem like a hassle to me and I don’t feel like i’m particularly missing out by not taking part in them. It doesn’t negate my enjoyment of peoples bodies necessarily, nor does it mean I never get crushes on people it just means at the end of the day, my desire to go out there and find people to have sex with and/or date has always been like. really really low. Even if the opportunity was there. And i’ve come to terms with this. I accept this about myself.

There is actually a great deal of overlap between bi and ace identity. all those ‘weird little terms’ like ‘demisexual’ you guys hate so much were originally created for people like me, who feel like they are fundamentally not allowed to call themselves something straightforward like ‘bi’ (or straight/gay/lesbian) without people inevitably screaming at them for Doing It Wrong. So they can describe how they feel in a brief word, instead of having to go through the pains of explaining the complex relationship they have with sexual attraction to every fucking person who asks what their sexuality is.

saying ‘well you should just be able to say bi and leave it at that’ doesn’t actually account for the experiences i have when i Just Say i’m Bi. Even me Just Saying ‘im bi’ i’ve always gotta deal with harassment from people whoget weirdly agressive about -why- i’m not out there fucking or dating the people i claim im attracted to. Am I a prude? a Tease? Just an ‘Acey’ lying for brownie points? Am I Actually Just Traumatized? (They ask in a really aggressive condescending way, like thats actually how you should talk to someone you think is potentially traumatized) But by the standards of this discourse, i’m not allowed to call myself ace either, because then people are going to yell at me that if I experience the tiniest smidgen of sexual attraction or romantic inclination sometimes, or post pictures of sexy video game characters, clearly i cant be that either I literally can’t win. there is not a thing I can call myself that won’t earn me the ire of LGBT people on tumblr who think they know me and what i should call myself better than I do. And believe me i hate talking about this More than you do. I’d rather just shut up and let people Assume i’m whatever they want me to be sometimes but then mutuals i thought i trusted will inevitably openly make fun of the people who outwardly call themselves demisexual or whatever microlabel is trendy to shit on currently, and usually i bite my tongue cause at the end of the day its Just Words, right? I don’t even use that word, right? Its just words and some words can be interchangeable and not everyone knows what they mean which can feel alienating and unnecessary to people who don’t understand them. I -get- why people ‘cringe’ when they see like 10 terms they don’t understand in someones bio. why do you think i don’t even list anything about my sexuality in mine other than my pronouns?

but I always remember like. just bc that label isnt For Me, it doesn’t mean there might be someone in a similar position to me who doesnt feel comfortable just calling themeslves bi, and prefers the label ‘demisexual biromantic’ who feels like that phrase puts them in a place of peace and contentment, and I wouldn’t argue with them about it. Bc thats their fucking choice. Them being happy with who they are takes priority over my personal opinions of the language they use. same with gender nonconforming people who dont want call themselves trans or nonbinary. Thats fucking Fine. I’m not telling you to have to use the same words as me if you don’t feel like they’re necessary or accurate. I literally don’t give a rats ass what words you use to identify yourself so long as they’re not being used to hurt other people. I just want to be able to have Words, for myself, that describe how I feel, that don’t result in people treating my entire identity like some shitty discourse Meme. And right now I have none. No matter what I call myself, people choose tell me it’s not accurate, or its too complicated.

As for all these shitty fucking posts about people ‘forcing’ young people to take up labels. This. This doesn’t actually happen? (OK I won’t say it doesn’t happen ever on an individual level? but that its not something enforced or encouraged by any group as a practice, and that distinction is necessary, bc saying it happens on a large scale literally implies predatory intentions from a massive group of people instead of members of the group behaving poorly as individuals)

Demisexual people as a whole have literally never told me i had to call myself demi just bc my sense of how i experience attraction might be similar to theirs. Ace people as a whole don’t usually tell people whose lack of sexual attraction is caused by trauma or who havent developed enough to experience sexual attraction that they -have- to call themselves ace. Most Bi or Pan people are fine with the fact that their labels have a lot of overlap and that the line between these things can be murky, they arent actually constantly ready to tear each others throats out over whose terminology is correct. All of this shit is made up by hateful people, or people taking a few examples of poor behavior out of context as an excuse to shit on everyone else, and well meaning people keep falling for it bc it -seems- helpful to be. reactive. I guess? to people you’re constantly told are hurtful to the causes of marginalized people. but im telling you. its not true. literally nobody forces you to call yourself any of these words, they just Exist out there in case you want them, and if you think thats somehow a threat to other peoples identities or to Minors just like, conceptually, for existing, for being Too Specific, im sorry but what other word is there for your reaction than phobic? If an individual derails a conversation about Y to be like “You didn’t include _X_” or tries to force their views on a minor who hasn’t developed a stable sense of identity yet, that is an Individual behaving in an inappropriate manner, not an invitation for you to throw the whole group under the bus. I hate to tell you but if you’re using examples of individuals on tumblr who say stupid shit, everyone on tumblr says stupid shit and butts in conversationally where they’re not welcome. Universally. It’s how tumblr is formatted. Trust me, I have like 4 viral posts going right now.

i’m just tired of it at this point. im not cool with people who stretch to make fun of micro-labels all the time and think they’re being woke allies or w/e to the ‘real LGBTs’. Even if a lot of the time I personally don’t care for all the labels and wouldn’t choose them for myself, I still feel like If you can’t treat people like individuals and assess their character on a case by case basis, i don’t trust you. I don’t like people who stereotype and LGBT people are not immune to this behavior. Like i don’t say it often but it fucking hurts, and it hurts other people I’m close to who I know have similar complicated identities and struggle coming up w/words to describe themselves that the whole of tumblr LGBT+ will approve of and agree with (clearly an impossibility because there are still people who don’t want bi and trans to even be in there). I might tolerate the constant jokes and not block on principle of knowing not everyone has ingested and thought about this discourse in the same way I have, and im a big tough adult, ultimately i can take it. but inside i know no matter what i call myself, if i were earnest with some of you about how i feel I’d probably be just another ‘special snowflake Delusional mogai creep’ to you, and i can’t deny that fucking hurts to think about. I try not to talk about it openly bc it embarrasses me, bc i dont think my sexuality should have to be battle ground for discourse for people who are supposed to be on my side. But there it is. I think most of this discourse is Trash, and clearly not for the reason most people on here say its trash, not bc theres ‘too many specific words, y’all just be Making Shit Up’ but because so many of you are more caught up in the words than the substance of the arguments or the needs of people whose experiences might have a lot of overlap with yours regardless of what word they’re using to describe it.

Anyway. happy pride to LGBTQA+ people who still dont really feel pride in themselves or their identity. I’d say you’re valid, but you don’t need my validation or anyone elses to understand that you’re a person deserving of respect and compassion. You exist as who you are, and you have to come to terms with who that is, regardless of whether or not you feel like you’re accepted for it. if not pride then, settle for confidence in who you are.

#........./#....../#././#././/./#/././..#long post

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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Susan Hill: I am not pro-Trump! Really? Do people think that of me?

The novelist caused a stir this week by accusing a bookshop of anti-Trump censorship. Even Michael Gove waded in. But shed rather talk about her new book, and leaving her husband of 40 years for a woman

Susan Hill barrels around the corner to our table, which is tucked away in a noisy alcove of the bar at the Covent Garden hotel in London. She looks pleased to see me, if a little apprehensive. That is not surprising: this week, she set off a storm of outrage that had her running for cover as much from her publishers, Chatto & Windus, as from the keyboard critics who piled in on social media.

In an article in the Spectator, she announced that she had pulled out of an event because the bookshop concerned was promoting anti-Trump authors. It was not: the Book Hive in Norwich, which outed itself as the target for Hills ire, was merely the conduit for novels about totalitarianism donated by a local reading group as gifts for customers. The books included George Orwells Nineteen Eighty-Four and Margaret Atwoods The Handmaids Tale.

Hill sits down with a thump. She is a small woman who wears her peppered hair cut short. How are you? I ask. Although in emails the day before she was adamant that the Book Hive debacle is off the agenda, she seems relieved by the question. One small article and the world went mad, she says, clutching at a necklace of oversized turquoise beads. Have they got nothing else to worry about?

It sounds disingenuous. I look the 75-year-old writer of The Woman in Black in the eye; she returns my gaze steadily. No, she says, to my unasked question: surely someone who has written more than 30 books, from ghost stories to crime novels, short-story collections and literary novels, cannot be naive to the impact of an article in a national magazine denouncing an independent bookseller? She drums her fingers on the metal table. I dont want to talk about that, because this is not about that and the publishers will kill me, she snaps back. In an instant she adds: Frankly, the less oxygen you give it Her initial bluster disappears with a sigh, like air from a balloon. Its all about nothing. Has nothing happened in the world that people go crazy?

The spat has shaken her, however, and although she has told me she will not talk about it, she alludes to it throughout the interview with shoulder shrugs, sighs and comments. Before we part, she says of the Book Hive proprietor, Henry Layte: If he rang up and said, will you come and talk to us, of course I would. Only if he said he wanted me to. I wouldnt want to walk in there uninvited. She adds hastily: I dont suppose he would let me in his shop.

But she has not invited me to London to talk about that, she insists. She wants to talk about her new novel, From the Heart. A slight tale of 211 pages, it is a coming-of-age story set in the early 1960s. Olive Piper is an awkward and bookish teenager whose escape from home is blighted by an unplanned pregnancy and then a doomed love affair with another woman. It is written in the Whitbread winners characteristically pared-down style not a word wasted which adds great impact to the books two big reveals.

And there is one particular aspect of the novel Hill particularly wishes to talk about: Pipers love affair with another woman, because it has parallels with her own life. The unexpected happened to me: I fell in love with another woman who fell in love with me. The woman is screenwriter and producer Barbara Machin, creator of Waking the Dead, for whom Hill left her husband of almost 40 years, the respected Shakespeare scholar Stanley Wells, six years ago.

Taking a sip of ginger beer with lots of ice, she begins to say more, but her words are drowned out by the clatter of empty champagne bottles being upended into an ice bucket at the bar, followed by the loud rasp of the cappuccino machine. She throws a sharp look at the barman and we wait in silence until the noise subsides. The love affair with Machin bloomed over drinks in Cotswold pubs, where the two would meet to discuss the screenwriters adaptation of Hills Serrailler series for ITV. We had met in Cheltenham because I was doing some gigs at the festival, Hill recalls. Although she regarded her future lover as a very nice woman when they met, she says she was just shellshocked at the gradual dawning of a love affair.

She says it was her first adventure into same-sex relationships apart from a crush shared with other girls on a geography teacher at her Scarborough convent school. She got married and we were all devastated. For a moment her voice, from which Yorkshire has long since been scooped out, becomes wistful. It absolutely never crossed my mind that I had any attraction for women or was attracted to women, she adds. Three years before marrying Stanley, her heart was broken when her fiance, David Lepine, the organist at Coventry Cathedral, died suddenly of a heart attack in 1972. He was the love of my life, she says, and insists that throughout her long and happy marriage she never had an inkling that she might not be straight.

You fall in love with the person, she says, with another twist of the beads. That person could be the same sex or the opposite sex, but you fall for that person. And I felt very much that [Barbara] was somebody whom I liked. Machin was very warm and attractive, she continues, then laughs. The woman thing, I thought, Heavens! Her eyes pop at the idea.

Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian

As she speaks, I become aware how Hill has softened her appearance since I last saw her, 10 years ago. Back then she dressed like a Gloucestershire landowners wife, in brogues and Barbour. Today she wears coordinated bright colours: a long-sleeved cotton top matches the beads, and a bright red handbag on the floor beside her matches a red undershirt only visible at the neck. The ensemble suggests a confidence about her appearance that I havent seen before.

In a trade in which the cliche is to be a Hampstead liberal, Hill stands out for her forthright support of the Conservative party, of which she is a member. And while other writers will not be surprised to hear that she is a party member, they will be surprised by her claim that, Im not very rightwing. I certainly wouldnt be Ukip or anything. That may be true, but some of her closest and most vocal supporters number among the most vociferous elements of the libertarian right. Asked where she places herself in the political firmament, she replies: Theresa May. Trouble is, I dont know any of them any more. She does know Michael Gove, however, who stepped into the row over the Book Hive with a tweet that said: Susan Hill is a brilliant writer and her detractors are illiberal bigots.

Essex Serpent writer and Norfolk-based novelist Sarah Perry bit back at Gove with a tweet saying: 1. Nobody queries for a second her genius, MICHAEL. 2. Disagreeing is not detracting, MICHAEL. 3. It is not bigoted to disagree, MICHAEL. This was on top of comments directed at Hill by the likes of the Father Ted creator, Graham Linehan, who tweeted: Ha! Even fonder of my local bookshop now. What a stupid crank Susan Hill is. Hill will not answer questions about Goves involvement, but their friendship is strong Hill has defended the would-be Tory leader on threads posted about him on Facebook. What she will say is that her support for May and Gove is firmly tied to their stance on Brexit.

Again, it is an unusual stance to take among novelists, who last year were overwhelmingly in favour of remain. Why does she want to leave the EU? Her response becomes less coherent than anything else she has said in our interview: I voted to leave because … I am old enough to remember very clearly the last referendum … I am not sure about this … but watching over the years more and more rules coming to us from an unelected body … I dont mean just the stupid things to do with health and safety, but taking away every countrys individual national decisions … Her words fade out. When I challenge her about the truth of this, she shrugs and replies: Anyway, I just think Brussels costs so much money. Like her criticism of the Book Hive, it seems as much about supposition as information.

Hill is also a devout Christian, a high Anglican, but doesnt see any contradiction with coming out as gay. I long ago gave over any anxieties about that, she says with a wave of ringless fingers. The break up of the marriage has been very amicable, she insists. There have been no harsh words. Wells, she says, is happy to be queen bee in Stratford-upon-Avon, and there are no plans to divorce. The marriage, she believes, would have ended anyway. You do pull apart. Once your children leave home, you either become a tighter unit or you become the opposite, and that happened to us. Her daughters, Jessica and Clemency, although shocked at first, have settled into a good relationship with Barb, as Hill refers to her new partner.

But the parallels between the writer and Olive are not just about sexuality. Born in 1942, Hill would have been Olives contemporary. Both were awkward teenagers, whose bookish demeanour masked a shoot-from-the-lip habit that speaks first and asks questions later. Hill blames her inability to watch her words upon her Yorkshire childhood. In Yorkshire they will say what they think and people will say, How rude! But it isnt meant to be. It is meant to be just straightforward.

Straightforward it may be, but forthright criticism of friends on Facebook has left wounds. She somehow feels she has the right to take people down a peg, one such victim confided. She can be cantankerous, says another, yet she inspires powerful loyalty.

She looks genuinely shocked when I say this to her. Kindness is important to her and the idea that she has left friends smarting after voicing her opinions on social media stings. I dont think I write many unkind things … I try really hard … she says, all bluster gone. That she is kind is attested by many women who have received her support given quietly and without fuss when their relationships have turned abusive and they have needed to escape.

Hill herself has been calloused by painful experiences in her life. As well as the death of Lepine, she had several miscarriages after the birth of her first daughter, the novelist Jess Rushton, and lost her second child, Imogen, five weeks after she was born. A hand-painted box given to her at the time by the writer Bel Mooney remains a treasured possession. However you lose a child, she says, all sorts of people come out of the woodwork and, even if the circumstances are different, tell you that it happened to them. It is a real human bond.

Like Olive in her novel, Hill was told by her mother from an early age that she was not attractive. It still pains her. When your mother says: Oh, no one will ever look at you, a plain face like that, you believe it, dont you? she says, the confidence punched from her face by the recollection. In the book, Olives schoolfriend Margaret Reid is the pretty girl who was seen in town with her boyfriend, Hill says, admitting that such girls were granted a confidence about life that she never had.

The photographer interrupts us. Its time to take her picture, and her partner is waiting for her. I have one last question: why did you defend Trump? She splutters in disbelief. I am not pro-Trump! she almost shouts in reply. People should read what I wrote, she adds, then: But I am not talking about that. But she looks at me again and says: Really? Do people think that of me? I point out that she has been off Twitter for a few days. Christ! she replies. Im a Conservative. I am not a Trumpian Republican … apart from anything I think he is not very bright. With that she scoops up her things, gives me a hug and scurries out of the bar in pursuit of the photographer.

Susan Hills From the Heart is published by Chatto & Windus. To order a copy for 9.34 (RRP 10.99) go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over 10, online orders only. Phone orders min p&p of 1.99.