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#it all feels hollow now
merobot · 2 years
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I’m depressed about them again hours
#i wanna fuck them one last time and be mean like they like but this time I’ll mean it#i don’t even like being mean#I’m so fucking lonely#i was driving home tonight just missing their company on long drives at night#there’s no way to communicate with them#and they still don’t understand how hurt I actually am#i should just give up and accept being alone#i wasted a year of my life with someone who didn’t give a shit about me#and then they gave me herpes and left me for someone else#i feel so fucking stupid#and I still can’t let them go even though they very clearly don’t care about me#it just takes me back to school and how people would just fucking ditch me all the time#back to the bullies who pretended to be my friend#they triggered so much in me with this and they have no idea#and also no capacity to understand#i want them to understand how much I’ve suffered because of them#they never will#i just want them to hold me#it all feels hollow now#i did stuff I never thought I’d do with anyone#and it was consensual but i wouldn’t have chosen to do it if they didn’t bring it up#i hate them but i hate myself more#i live with this hurt constantly#it just doesn’t go away#i just feel stupid and ugly and not good enough#i just want to be loved#but I’m too insecure to form healthy relationships and I’m trying to work on myself but it’s not going very well#i wish I was dead#dead bodies don’t feel shit#i think the only way they’d care about me was if I died and I don’t think anyone would tell them if I did
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yrlocalghost · 4 months
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none of the statues of the hollow knight have the loops on the armour. do you hear me. can anyone hear me. is anyone home
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breadmecoshy · 5 months
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SO I'm going through hollow knight for the fourth time ha ha
Besides, I've re-read the "Stag Beetles and Broken Legs" fan fiction again, so it's time to humanize Monomon and Quirrell!
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(seriously, read "Stag Beetles and Broken Legs", it's damn good) In my conception, Monomon is the oldest of the Dreamers, but she's actively youthful, wearing such light clothing and acting quite active compared to her scowling counterparts (However, she also looks younger than her years on her face, so no one has any questions about it)
And young Quirrell, haha. So young and inspired, with burning eyes. Cute. Time has not bypassed him (though it's even better for some-). At least now he's age appropriate for Monomon
I can redraw my old concepts in more detail if you like my humanizations. I can also draw humaneizations of other characters if you ask (or more Lurien….. I like to draw his face…… gentle rose…….)
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ahollowgrave · 7 months
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-- o, this sweet love!! o, this divine grief.
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ssomepersonn · 2 months
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many thoughts about these guys
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wrenwreakinghavoc · 6 months
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THIS TOOK. A WEEK
I know it's simple and there's a bunch of mistakes but I do not have the energy to edit this thing any longer
Nosk is wasted potential in this essay I will--
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mizzyislost · 1 year
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something something how horribly tragic both the broken vessel and lost kin fight feel something something idk man this is hard
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spread-the-influence · 5 months
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// hopping in again because 2 am is in the timeframe where i become so hyper on accidentally finding vibes like a nocturnal predator
. https://youtu.be/8Gopg80VXwc?si=j_vS5a5xUWvgiBRC
somehow sounds like t.i
// ASHES ASHES DUST TO DUST THE DEVIL'S AFTER THE BOTH OF US //
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thehappiestgolucky · 11 months
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Midnight doodles are for rotating blorbo angst in your brain
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lloydfrontera · 6 months
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wait lmao what I didn't know there was such a skip. I'm sorry this is comedy to me. so you're telling me they have this crazy ass dimension-jumping shenanigans with Javier tearing up as he finally finds Lloyd, his best friend, the most important person in his life, while it's a mutual statement for the both of them, and then we get no dialogue. and skip to Lloyd getting shoved into a hetero romance with no build up. sorry I can't believe this is real. this sounds like a joke and I choose to treat is as such. this is the most hilarious ending and the marriage now feels even more out of place hdufiskaoa9o
OH MY FUCKING GOD RIGHT?!?!?!! it is weird isn't it???? i'm not being crazy for feeling like it's a weird ass choice??? i felt like i was going insane!! i swear to god i felt like i was being gaslighted when i read it!!! there was no way that was the ending!! there was no way that ch 401 ended with one of the most romantic and heartfelt scenes i have ever read and then the next chapter just????? did a time skip where none of that was acknowledged and lloyd was just fucking married off to alicia??? completely off-screen if i may add!
i made a post about it before but i simply need to rant all over again oh my god
general warning for spoilers because i'm about to dissect the entire novel through a llojavi lens
AGAIN. SPOILERS WARNING FOR THE ENDING OF TGED.
i literally cannot express how much of a mid fuck it is when you realize that lloyd and javier's relationship is very much Thee Slowburn of tged. like. this is an indisputable fact. even if you don't think there's anything romantic between them, which, holy fuck that's such a fucking reach one must be really be in denial to not see it but whatever, even then you simply cannot argue that their relationship isn't the most important one in the entire story.
javier is the very first person lloyd talks to in the first chapter. he's the first person that welcomes him into his new life. he's the one he has to work the hardest to endear himself to. he's the one he spends the most time with. he's the one that follows him around literally everywhere he goes.
from the very beginning their relationship is given a special attention that few other things get in the plot.
through the entire story we get constant moments of them getting to know each other as people and getting closer as a result. they're constantly in each other's thoughts, which is very natural as they're in each other's company almost 24/7. it is actually hard to find a chapter where they not talking to each other or at the very least together. i cannot emphasize enough how,,, enmeshed and entangled they are with one another as characters. i mean it when i say they are a set do not separate them.
it takes lloyd 222 chapters to even admit to himself that javier is his friend and that he wants to keep him safe not because he's the protagonist of the story or useful to him or anything like that but simply because he cares for him and doesn't want him to die. because, and i quote, 'he thought he'd always be with javier for the rest of his life. just like now, he thought they'd spend all their time together moving forward. and like they always did, they'd be by each other's side during hard times. happy moments. relaxed days. they'd share all these moments as they exchanged insults and corny jokes, growing old as a lazy lord of a fiefdom and his knight. lloyd always thought so. the thought just came naturally, without much effort from him, much like breathing. lloyd believed that javier would always remain by his side as that was how it had been until now.' (ch222) <- actual textual quote. btw. if you even care.
and then. it takes javier 320 chapters, a hundred chapters more, to realize that he cares about lloyd much more than a knight cares about his lord's son. because he, and once again i quote, 'is [his] true master in [his] heart. lloyd was his friend. and now, javier wanted to protect lloyd. he would sincerely protect him with everything he had.' <- this is, if i may add some context, said as javier is fighting against a goddamn angel, literally heaven's will, to protect lloyd. after figuring out lloyd is a fake. that he's been lying to javier for several years about almost everything including who he is. and yet. this is what javier feels for him.
they are the definition of a slowburn. it takes them this long to even admit they are friends. and this is with us getting to see them together almost every chapter of the way. we get to see every step of the way. we see their relationship develop with all manner of detail.
and then. when you think you cannot get even more dramatic about them. guess what the major conflict of the plot is. guess fucking what the last obstacle for the story to get a happy ending is.
let me set the scene for you:
lloyd has just finished the jewel of truth, the artifact that will get him the answer he seeks on how to stop the restoration of fate, how he can stop destiny from making the original events of the novel come true and destroy everything he has worked and kill everyone he loves. he has javier at his side, who rushed to join him underwater to make sure he was safe and sound while using it, and he can't help but fondly think how lucky he is to have javier, who is loyal and true and has never abandoned him.
a quote of lloyd's thoughts in this scene:
That’s why, you bastard. I’m going to take care of you until the very end. Once I, your wise and older friend, solve the restoration of destiny problem, you’re going to enjoy the rest of your life by my side in peace. [...] He smiled at Javier and thought to himself. You’re my only friend, Javier. I couldn’t have overcome all the obstacles in front of me without your help. So, my trustworthy and reliable comrade, stick with me until I become a lazy lord and you become my personal guard. I hope we will be able to grow old together… -ch 327
as you can see. he's once again planning on spending the rest of his life with javier. canonically. not even an interpretation this is straight up textual i cannot emphasize enough
and then. the jewel of truth gives him the answer. how to stop the restoration of fate. it's very easy. very simple solution in fact.
either lloyd or javier have to die or otherwise vanish from existence.
that's it. there can only be one protagonist in the world and because of everything lloyd has done he's now being acknowledged by fate as the protagonist of the story along with javier. which cannot stand.
so that's the only thing stopping lloyd from getting his happy ending. he just,,, has to either kill his best friend or kill himself.
let me rephrase this from a narrative perspective: the major conflict of the story is now lloyd facing either the choice of letting everything he's achieved and everyone he loves be destroyed. losing his best friend, the person he cares the most about and has been developing an extremely close relationship through the entire plot. or dying himself.
lloyd of course then spends the rest of the plot trying to find a way to avoid having to die. that's literally what the rest of the novel is about. lloyd trying by all means possible seeking a way to not having to die. because at no point, does he ever consider letting javier die in his place even an option. he doesn't want to die of course, but he never saw javier sacrificing himself as the solution to that problem.
the entire conflict of the last part of the novel is lloyd finding a way for him and javier to be able to remain together without either of them having to sacrifice their lives for the other.
he doesn't succeed.
they end up in a battle down in hell where both of them try to give for one another leading to this absolutely delightful parallel
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so fucking tasty oh my god i still go crazy when i see this set of illustrations actually
lloyd wins btw. he gets to sacrifice his life for javier. to javier's absolute heartbreak.
but lloyd doesn't die. he does end up stuck in korea tho, a place he would've rather died than go back to, so he has that going on for him. he's back in his goshiwon, absolutely heartbroken and without knowing what to do.
and then we end up with that scene. javier at his doorstep, having crossed dimensions, tearing up as he sees him and tells him how much he's missed him, looking at him with this face:
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now. let's pause here. let's take a moment. take in everything i've just explained. everything that has happened to get to this point.
be honest with me. what would you say is the most natural way the story can progress from here.
take into account all that i have recounted and that i skipped so many other things of the same nature so we wouldn't be here all day.
what do you as a reader would expect to happen next
well, i'll tell you:
cut to black we're now an unspecified amount of time later lloyd has already had all the important conversations we've been waiting to see the entire time off screen and is now preparing himself for his wedding to alicia that we will also not get to see by the way
and you know what the funniest thing is. you know what is the cherry on top.
fucking guess who's the last person we see him talk with.
guess who's the person he ends the novel sharing a smile with.
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yeah. Yeah.
i really don't know what else to say. i don't know how else to explain how insane this feels. how incredibly dissonant it comes across. i don't want to use the worse gaslighting like this but it's the closest word i can find to describe what it feels like. i feel like i'm being told something is happening when i can see with my own eyes it is not. or rather that i'm seeing something happen and i'm being told that no it is not and that i'm making it up.
i don't know what bk moon was going for. i really don't. especially when this is what he has to say about chapter 401 aka the chapter with javier coming to find lloyd in korea
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clearly he feels very strongly about this scene too. it's the one he's been wanting to show the most, he must have analyzed it from every angle possible, must have put special care to get across what he wanted to convey with it.
so why does it feel like the last true chapter of the novel is meant to,,, undercut the feeling of it?? it almost feels as if the last chapter is telling us 'yeah yeah those two are extremely devoted to each other and would and have given their lives for one another and plan on growing old at each other's sides but don't worry :) it's nothing more than them being pals :) just two guys being really good friends :) see, lloyd is even getting married to a woman that's his real happy ending he's not gay or anything :)'
and this is not me saying that two friends cannot be devoted to each other. absolutely not of course friends can love each other platonically and that be more than enough to justify their devotion to one another.
but. it feels weird when the entire novel is dedicated to building up the relationship between lloyd and javier, taking so much time to make us really feel like their relationship is growing at a realistic pace, take almost 3/4 of the novel to even make them come to terms with how much they care for one another, spend actual years following their development,,, and then make lloyd just marry someone else. someone the novel really didn't spend enough time with to justify him developing feels for her.
this is not a diss against alicia i have nothing against her i just don't... buy that lloyd developed romantic feelings for her. much less that he acted on them that easily.
this is a man who took 222 chapters and several years in-universe to even accept that javier, the person he spent all day with, with whom he spoke almost every single day, who he had risked his life for and had been saved by several times at that point, was even his friend.
and now i'm expected to believe he's in love with someone else who, by comparison, he meets a couple of times and spends a little amount of time with.
well. i don't! it's not in character, it wasn't properly built up in the text and truthfully they don't have enough chemistry to make up for it.
i don't know what happened there. i don't know why bk moon decided to add a romance when the novel didn't need it. i don't know why he chose to make it happen between two characters that didn't have a relationship as deep as the one he spent the entire novel building up and promoting as the most important one. which may i add was between his two protagonists. y'know. the ones the novel is supposed to be centered around.
i don't know. i don't know what happened. i don't know if it was censorship, last minute panic, fear of opposition or rejection or actual obliviousness to what he had written looked like, i simply do not know.
i really hope it wasn't homophobia tho that would absolutely suck lmao
but uh. yeah. i do think the ending is very funny when you put it like that askhdsjkfds
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skunkes · 6 days
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mentioned before I havent felt any tangible significant benefit from meds yet which is fine bc it takes a while to kick in but one small good thing i have noticed so far is even when I get little sleep I feel less tired when I wake up
I don't feel completely incapacitated and in need of being in bed all day, fighting off the urge to nap, to recharge.
I also 1. actually get "Sleepy" now... instead of just feeling very hollowly "Tired" and like i Should be going to bed to try to sleep even though I don't feel like it, because it's about time to be doing that I guess, leading to tossing and turning for 3 hrs before finally succumbing to sleep.
and 2. I actually doze off. Instead of forcing self to try and initiate sleep...this has only ever happened during my rare Naps where im so tired that sleep puts me down by force. Never in actual night time sleep setting... im like dropping my phone and struggling to stay awake sometimes now. At night!!!
None of this is in any of the results I've seen for the medication so i dont even care if its some weird placebo somehow 😭 im jst glad its happening
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s1nn0hh · 2 days
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living shell
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corvidcall · 7 days
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i very rarely get a sense of satisfaction from completing tasks. ive heard people say this is an ADHD thing, but idk. personally i think i might just be bad at being alive
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spacedlexi · 3 months
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A little while ago you said that you have nuanced feelings on Clem x Louis, and I think that’s how I’d describe my opinion on the ship as well. I was just wondering, what makes you feel that way? Personally, I think they’re romance scenes are cute and sweet, but the whole situation with Marlon makes me unable to see them as anything other than friends. I think they both mean a lot to each other, but the idea that they’d want to date so soon after that whole ordeal’s a bit of a stretch to me.
putting this under a read more so if anyone even Thinks they might get upset about mild louis opinions they can move on and stay happy. seriously people take this stuff too seriously sometimes and i dont want to stir anyone up but also im allowed to have my own opinions OKAY. none of this means i dont like him or them OKAY??
okay
thats pretty much where my opinions are too
the stuff with marlon and the vote is Definitely the biggest thing that influences my opinion about their romance. i always forget just how Cruel he is in EP2 😭 like im on your side dude what aj did was wrong can we just talk about this 😭 but he votes to kick them out. like his reaction about marlon doesnt bother me, its his insistence on kicking them out that does 😔 my clem will always forgive him for it, i believe him when he says he regrets it, but its gonna take some time for trust to build again. for both of them
having only one scene between his apology and the lock in was just not gonna happen for my clem. she was mad at him for it. aj almost died because of it. she might be doing better now but she still has trust issues and her trust was broken just as much as his was. he was fine with never seeing her again, sending her and aj out to their deaths because he struggled to accept his confused feelings about marlon. that pissed my clem off shdfksd she is barely keeping this child alive let alone herself. her face when ajs kicking the wall bro she was like "its so fucking over" 😭 cmon bro look at her shes dead inside have some compassion. and he still hits her with the "i dont know [if i want you to stay]" even after aj gets shot like cmon man...... Cmon.........
and while shes waiting for louis to finally be ready to talk about what happened with marlon (which my clem apologizes for in the dorm, she does genuinely feel bad about it), her and violet are only growing closer, focusing on preparing the school together for the bigger problem. clem knowing vi has her back is a huge source of relief in everything thats going on, and that means a Lot for my clem, who appreciates the idea of having a partner she can rely on. my clem is already sure of her feelings for vi by the time louis apologizes. but she appreciates his apology, and is looking forward to being friends again, because she did genuinely appreciate his friendship at the beginning. but her heart was really truly Broken about everything with marlon and the vote and i think thats gonna take more time to heal. depending on player choice some clems might not even forgive him (some others might say he was right and that clem didnt stop it but... i do not agree with that.. like how could she have... aasim calls mitch a hypocrite for saying the same thing)
the other less important thing is just his general blasé attitude. my clem takes things seriously, but that doesnt mean she doesnt know how to have fun. she Wants to. she just Cant. she has a child to take care of first, and she cares about the survival of the group. its why my clem is looking for someone she knows she can rely on. she never wanted any of this, and she just wants a little support, someone to help take the weight off so she CAN relax. shes so tired 😭. playing with louis while aasim hunts by himself made me feel Dirty 💀 (i literally couldnt do it the first time i felt so bad AASIM WAIT UP). and while i can understand and appreciate his "there might not be a tomorrow so enjoy today" outlook, it cant come at the expense of the group. louis i feel eventually learns this, finding a balance between the two, and Becomes someone clem can rely on. but his change doesnt begin until like.. after the raiders take everyone (because we have to get through the marlon stuff first). and if you save vi, you dont get to see any of it 😔
the thing about these two problems is that, if you were to take them out of this setting and throw them in like, a modern au, suddenly these are not issues anymore. no more life or death. the stakes are a lot lower. so i can see them dating in that scenario and having fun together. they do have cute moments!! but also due to less stakes, theres less to motivate louis to change. and i think they would fundamentally just not click on their worldviews. clem while she can have fun, ultimately takes things seriously, and louis doesnt. that doesnt mean they dont care about each other, and clem definitely appreciates his energy, but its why i see them still ending up as friends instead of romantic partners (esp if vi is around IM SORRY 😭 they just Click too well for me 😔 this is why my messy au exists 💀)
i also understand this is mostly personal preference and some people might like them for these reasons 😭 but the dynamic that they have i prefer as friends personally. theyre supportive of each other and deeply care about each other, just not romantically imo. especially not after the stuff with marlon. and thats ok!!!! i see it a lot like louis' relationship with vi. not romantic. but they Love each other regardless. honestly the reason why i like clem vi and louis as a trio so much is that clem slots between them really well. louis who doesnt take anything seriously, and vi who takes things Too seriously. clem exists between them. knowing having fun is important but also understanding the weight of responsibility. she helps louis become more responsible, and she helps vi chill the fuck out. she brings balance :)
i will say tho louis' "nothing wrong with short and sweet, right?" line was cute he got me there
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ganondoodle · 10 months
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botw got me into watching every zelda theory on the planet and totk got me out of it :I
i will focus on my comic and the rewrite project, rant here an there or answer some questions but im pretty sure im not gonna watch/read anything zelda theory related for a good while
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notitlemp3 · 7 months
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my review of the fontaine archon quest act v:
i thought the sumeru story was sad. I THOUGHT THE SUMERU STORY WAS SAD
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