#it’s probably gonna suck as much as Friday but I rlly hope not

[trisloshr]

ok im doing this cus @tiny-vermin tagged me and i love verm so i do it (wasting time in class anyway)

last song i listened to: splitting this by spotify/ itunes/ youtube (I Will Listen To 3 Songs At Once) 1. そして、人になる/ mi8k one thing to know about me miyake is my fav vocap ever. yay. 2. 曇天ノ陰ニ/ コン love this album love this song the intro is awesome and the album ver is even better fuck uesssss... 3. 美しき世界/ クロxヒメ sooo good these vocals soooo beuatiful im obsessed (About to start a spiel about lost albums and archiving but i wont)

putting the rest under the cut cus all i care about is music

last book i read: sorry for not reading ok i tried to reread lotr this sem n failed awfully. libby was like Dumbass cant read lotr on top of class in the next 15 days fuckyou. ummm my new issue of dekopon came in yesterday i did read that...

last film i watched: for film class we watched edge of tomorrow last week thought it sucked. everyone booed when they kissed. um. transformers 1984 watched that with friends. laughed so hard Never watch transformers with 2 autistic guys its like being stuck between them on the couch holding the popcorn. and also digimon it was Awesoemeeeeee i love digimon

last tv series: over spring break i started watching the o.c. with my cousin and its rlly fun to watch with a running commentary. once the term started i hvent picked it up again but over the summer id probably finish it. seth is like stilesteenwolf before stiles teenwolf im obsessed withhim.

last thing i googled:

from last friday dont know why i needed peggle make phonecall at 1am Delirious from my all nighter

last thing i ate: all the food here sucks i cant wait to go home i ate indomie for dinner. but when i go home im so excited to eat dry wonton mee... laksa... moving away from home makes u crazy cus i never even liked laksa that much before but now im desperate

sweet savory spicy: awesome splatfest Brother im indian of cause im gonna say spicy. but for snacks i always go savory recently ive been buying lots of chocolate though i have to be in a mood

Amount of sleep: got an hour of sleep on friday and went to 9h of class and slept 16 hours after hope this tells u all that u need to know. theres one week this term i decided i didnt wanna do any hw and i was awake like 4 hours everyday idk what happend to me

currently reading: a book about character design and illustration called イラストのこと、キャラクターデザインのこと by sakazaki chiharu. uts sooo cute... tbh my school library has a lot of really good books but theres no time i also borrowed typographics 2 cybertypes: zines + screens and it looks really cool. would love book recs tbh art books or otherwise

#this reminded me of deviantart journals

[sinnergetreadymp3]

CHAMERON FIC CHAMERON FIC CHAMERON FIC

Uhhhhh I feel like I should give this a title but I have no idea what to call so uh, nevermind !!

Anyways,I finally finished the fic I said I was writing like,a month ago lol. All my Chameron stans out there this one's for u,I rlly hope at least one person enjoys this,I rlly enjoyed writing it !! Ok sappy stuff outta the way,here it is:

As rain pounded against the window Charlie sent what was probably the thousandth crumpled ball of paper across the room.

"Jesus Charlie,is your arm not getting tired?"

Charlie smirked at that, clearly preparing to make a dirty minded joke,but a thoroughly exhausted Richard Cameron was already one step ahead.

"You know what,forget I asked, you're gross."

Getting up from the seat at his desk and ignoring an indignant retort from Charlie, Cameron thought of the rest of his friends,out for the weekend. Todd and Neil celebrating their one year anniversary, Meeks and Pitts embarking on a two day road trip,for what they still claimed to be, entirely platonic reasons (although the rest of the poets were all too aware of the almost palpable romantic tension between them). Even Knox had found something to do with himself on this miserable Friday night.

And here Cameron was,stuck in his dorm with nothing but stacks of extra homework and his obnoxious roommate to keep him company.

Speaking of that obnoxious roommate, "Oh come on Cam,you're not seriously going to bed already,it's barely eight!"

"Shut up Dalton,I'm tired."

Refusing to admit defeat, Charlie sprung from his own bed into Cameron's, attempting to wrestle the poor boy from his comfortable position.

"Charlie,get off you psycho!" Cameron managed to get out, already laughter threatening to give away just how welcome his friend's childish antics were.

After a few more minutes of "fooling around" as Charlie insisted on calling it (mostly because of how profusely it made Cameron blush),the two boys lay breathless beside each other,trying desperately to think of something else to do that would ward off impending boredom.

After a few moments of comfortable silence,Charlie suggested,looking expectantly towards the ginger, "Wanna go to the cave?"

With extreme,mind numbing boredom as motivation, it was inevitable that Cameron would say yes. It certainly helped that Charlie was gazing at him with those oh-so convincing doe eyes of his. Charlie Dalton and his stupid,gorgeous eyes. And his stupid,gorgeous smile,which Cameron was abso definitely not thinking about as he got up and grabbed his coat.

The two boys trudged through the woods,bickering lightly when Cameron complained of the cold that Charlie apparently couldnt feel at all,but always with an unusually friendly air between them. Before long they were sat together in the middle of the cave,sharing an apple that Cameron had managed to salvage from somewhere (a feat Dalton was of course impressed by),and trading stories of girls and parties galore. In Cameron's case, the stories of girls were few and the parties were from years long before even middle school,so Charlie did most of the talking.

After a while though,the boys came to discussing their friends,and the luck they all seemed to have in finding each other so easily. Charlie, ever the romantic,made no waste of his extensive vocabulary,tediously lamenting on all the opportunities of love he had missed and the everlasting loneliness he was doomed to,all because his dashing knight in shining armour would never come to find him and-

"Why dont *you* just find somebody?"

Charlie,still sprawled dramatically over a rock ,and mildly offended at the interruption,indignantly questioned "What do you mean?"

"What I said? You dont just have to wait around for somebody to come find you and fall madly in love. Why don't *you* just find somebody?"

He thought for a moment,taken aback by the ginger's harsh words,but eventually decided to humout him for a moment.

"And where exactly do you suggest I find him then, hm?"

Cameron shifted in his seat,not expecting to be taken seriously and certainly not prepared to be giving advice. Especially not *this* kind of advice. Especially not to *charlie*.

"Well,uh," he looked up to see the other boy looking at him expectantly,with that ever-present smirk on his face that, oddly enough,made Cameron feel a little more comfortable.

"Maybe,you could,I don't know, consider that the guy you're looking for has been here the whole time?"

"Wow Cam,Pittsie and Meeks' radio must've really gotten to you. All those love songs have turned you into a big softie." Charlie joked,grinning and nudging Cameron playfully.

Through a soft laugh,Cameron continued, "No I'm serious man,I think you're making this whole love thing way harder for yourself. I mean- and be honest with me, what's actually wrong with the guys at our school?"

"Other than the fact that about three quarters of them are raging heterosexuals?"

Laughing again,Cameron replied "yeah,other than that."

After about zero seconds of careful consideration,he had come to a conclusion, "Well,I guess nothing,but I dont know? Cameron, I don't see how this changes-"

"It *changes* things because clearly you don't anything about half the guys at our school. And you can't write off people you don't even know." At some point, Cameron had gotten up and started pacing around,but with the end of this triumphant speech,he finally sat down,a little closer to the other boy than he had been before.

Charlie looked across at Cameron and was suddenly met with a wave of fondness. Weird,how all it took was to sit and talk for a while before someone you thought you near hated,started to feel like your favorite person in the world. And,was he going completely crazy or Cameron at his most comfortable, without the fear of a teacher lurking nearby,without the stress of constantly trying to prove himself,was he... A little..... attractive??

All at once,Charlie made a decision,partly to try and prove himself wrong,but also because hey,if Richard Cameron was the surprise love of his life,what better time to figure it out than right now?

"So how,sir Richard Cameron,do you propose I get to know all these charming suitors?"

Cameron, completely in the dark about Dalton's recent epiphany,was still stubbornly trying to explain how much easier Charlie's love life could be,if only he would let it.

"Well,maybe by actually talking to them? Y'know,kind of like,What we're doing right now."

"So,what you're saying is,*you* could be my knight in shining armor," he said with a smirk.

"Well,that's not what-"

"No,no it's fine,as long as we're talking about this version of you. Regular Cameron is kind of a buzzkill but Cave Cam is actually a kind of.... And I can't believe I'm saying this but,in here,like this...well. You're actually a little hot."

After this, overwhelmingly romantic confession, Charlie was certain he had completely stuffed it,and sure enough,

"Gee Charlie,thanks. Really makes me wanna ride into the sunset with you." To say Cam's ego had been hit was an understatement,but before he could make a swift exit from the cave and lock himself,alone,in his dorm for the rest of the weekend,of course Dalton kept talking.

"God,I'm sorry,that was, I have no idea why I said that. I thought I was being funny but out loud- god I'm so sorry," while he had initially been mad,seeing Charlie fucking Dalton blush (and because of *him* no less) was rather funny. And sure,a little cute. So Cameron decided to hear him out.

"Can I start over? You're not saying anything so I'm gonna start over. I,uh, I really do think you're hot. Like really hot. And not just right now,all the time,like that time we were at rowing practice and I started pushing you around and we ended up on the floor and I saw like,a single sliver of skin because your sweater had ridden up,and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day,which I thought was a little weird but then-"

"Uh,I think I get it,Charlie." Now Cameron was the one blushing.

"Uh,sorry. What I meant was,that I *do* think you're hot l-"

"As you've said"

"Yeah,yeah,but it's more than that. Like,when I realized we'd basically be spending the whole weekend alone together,I was actually sorta excited for that,even though I knew I'd just be sitting by you while you did homework the whole time,I like,wanted to do that. And tonight,I haven't talked like this with anyone who isn't Neil like,ever. What I mean is,I guess,is that,I think that uh,"

Deciding to lighten the mood,Cameron tried for a little sarcasm, "Wow,Dalton, stuttering? I must be superman or something."

"I'm trying to be romantic here Carrot top," Charlie said with a grin,

"Listen,I don't really know what I'm doing here,but I think it might be kinda nice if we tried having a little romantic weekend of our own. Just to try it. If it totally sucks we can pretend it never happened and the others don't have to know about it and-"

"Charlie."

"Yeah?"

"Relax," Cameron said with yet another laugh ,he didn't think he laughed like this since... Well,he couldn't even remember.

So with a radiant smile on his face,he said,"A romantic weekend of our own sounds amazing. Gotta warn you tho I'm not a great kisser."

"Well, lucky for you I am a great teacher," Charlie replied,with a somehow even bigger smile on his face than Cameron's,

"Why are you laughing,I *am* a great teacher!" Unfortunately for Charlie,his indignance only made Cameron laugh harder.

"I'll believe that when I see it."

"If you shut up and stop laughing,maybe you'll get to." After this was all it took to get the ginger to sober up, the look on his face pushed Charlie to make his final,but (in his opinion) most important decision of the night.It was high time he flirt with Cameron way more often (which was *very* difficult to explain to the other poets,at least the first time).

#yh i did proofread it #yh there probably r still mistakes #i was very nervous so #but yh uh #chameron #dps fic #dps chameron fic #dead poets society chameron #idk how to tag things properly if u couldnt tell from my other posts lol #anyway !! bye

[weeb-writings]

hcs of tsuki and akaashi w/ s.o who fences & does vb

omg a request >.< i am so happy you requested 

this is for the wonderful: @clyeste 

request: headcannons of Tsukishima and Akaashi whoose s/o fences on the same level they do volleyball (fencing is to put simply sword fighting !) 

ahhh i love fencing so much :), as someone mixed w french this spoke a lot to me lol :) but yeah, fencing is such a beautiful sport :) 

warnings: none , ok i lied maybe swearing- 

pairings: tsukishima x gn!reader, akaashi x gn!reader

a/n: i hope i did okay! if you have any thing i can improve on, lmk! also the position in volleyball wasnt specified so i didnt go too into depth about what role you play exactly

if you have any reqs, be sure to ask! if you have any comments/anything i can improve on pls lmk

Tsukishima

bye hes so ATTRACTIVE i cannot BREATHE- 

omg im so sorry hes just wow 

okay so, tsuki (as hes always hced) is gonna seem like hes not that interested in the fact that his so is quite literally amazing

like youre balancing two sports instead of one?? and here he is lazing around (ok not rlly but you know what i mean) 

when you tell him he might not seem like he gives two flying fucks but inside hes PANICKING

like his mind is straight up spiraling???? 

i take him as a guy whos shown some interest in fencing before so when you reveal to him that you play it, hes instantly gonna wanna marry you

oh you have a game?? will message you an hour before w some lame ass excuse as to why hes coming

you let him know you have matches for fencing and hes ALWAYS there, always, even if its for five minutes

he thinks your technique is INCREDIBLE and he thinks it makes you look so elegant and endearing hes in love w you reader >:( i ship yall-

but like ok so, once hes processed the fact that you play fencing, hes going ape shit inside his head (and his heart) bc somefuckinghow you also play volleyball too 

when you end up missing his practice, hes gonna be all like ?? huh whered you go in a really bitchy subtle way 

and you were like, sorry i was at practice 

but you have fencing every friday wednesday and monday?? today’s tuesday

first of all, WE BEEN knew his ass has your schedule memorised to the dot 

so youre like 0o0 

and hes like uhhhh

and then youre like “i was at volleyball” and hes salty so hes like no you werent~~

and youre like, dude i play for this team outside of school (which is still super popular) *insert you deadpanning here* 

and now its his turn to be like 0o0 

yknow when hinata drops a feint on bokuto and bokuto is like “HAHHHHHH” and in shock

yeah its tsuki for like a split second b4 he gets his act together

but you noticed bc youre special like that

you will tease him endlessly (as you should) 

and as much as he tries to make it seem like he doesnt care, he does, a lot

hes always having extra snacks for you and water in case you like overwork yourself 

and if youre not as his practice or games, hes at yours 

hes your number one fan and supporter

the type of bf to show you off in subtle ways

idk like maybe has keepsake of yours w him that he carries w him all the time

he def. will practice volleyball w you and will make fun of you for sucking, even if youre better than him 

overall, hes super supportive of you 

and he will check in to make sure youre not overworking yourself

will help you w school work if you need it bc youre so damn busy

will sneak in a compliment or two between insults abt how you’re wasting time or too busy

basically he loves you-

Akaashi

next we have the most beautiful man in the world, my husband, your boyfriend!!!!

sorry he’s just so *chefs kiss*

but anyways, i feel like when he first learns that you play volleyball, it’s before you two even met??

bokuto probably mentioned you once or twice before bc you play for a popular volleyball club outside of school

so, naturally, akaashi basically knows you’re good at the sport & that you help keep the ball in play

when he first meets you, you start the convo off abt him being a good setter, to which he responds by talking abt how he’s heard about how you play, etc.

because of this common interest, you hit it off in more than one way and BAM y’all are dating

fast forward a couple months, and akaashi has your v-ball schedule memorized to the dot

so when you text him saying practice is running late so you might not make it to your date

he’s like ?????????

what practice? bc like it’s saturday, who tf had practice on saturdays

i do but that’s not the point here

he’s like, “uh baby what practice”

and youre like fencing

and he’s like .....

and then you remember that throughout the entirety of you two knowing each other, you’ve never mentioned the fact that you do fencing

and he’s like so in awe ??????

he’s like,,,,, you do fencing????

and you’re like yeah?? and you can feel the awkward vibe through these text messages

after he processes that, he’s like oh go finish and i’ll pick you up

so he picks you up, and you’re in your white fencing suit bc he comes a bit early

and he’s watching you practice, and this boy is MESMERIZED

like really

he loves you so much, and thinks you look so amazing + your technique is so good

and he’s someone who can easily pay attention to the little details, every turn, every torque he’s there to watch you

after he picks you up from practice, you notice the faint blush on his cheeks

he just loves you that much omfg-

after that day, he’ll ask you abt fencing and he’ll learn more abt it

when y’all practice volleyball together, he’ll be sure to ask you how fencing is going, etc.

like tsuki, he’ll be there at your practice & matches for both vball and fencing

overall, he’s super supportive

and he’s smart, so he’s making sure you’re up to date w school work

makes sure you don’t over exhaust yourself and always has extra food & water w him in the case you end up getting hungry/thirsty/tired

he just loves you so much so he’s always watching out for you

is definitely motivated by you to keep up w his own things, bc you balancing out multiple things at once is so amazing to him

you’re amazing to him

bye he loves you >;( this is a ship that will sail forever

#akaashi #akaashi x reader #akaashi haikyuu #akaashi fluff #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #anime #tsukishima #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei #keiji akaashi #kei #haikyuu x reader #karasuno #karasuno x reader #fukurodani #fukurodani x reaxer #keiji

[cumonbucky]

Pick Me

Request: Can you do a Bucky x Reader X Steve fluff(maybe smut), where the reader needs help with a world history unit about World War Two and they go to them??? And they fight over who's going to help the reader??

Pairing: Bucky x Reader x Steve

Warnings: none rlly (I’m so fucking sorry, ik you probably wanted smut but the cold hard truth is I fucking suck ass at writing smut and I don’t want to make y’all cringe)

A/N: Hello my name is Victoria Martinez (just call me Tori), I was born on December 25th, 1999 (I’m 17), I love reading and writing, I have a fucked up sense of humor, I attend Primavera online high school bc public school gave me bad anxiety, panic attacks, made my depression worsen and much much more. I only have one friend (I’m a loser, I know), and ye homies. If ya have any questions for me/about me I’ll be happy to answer them. I just want you guys to get to know me better.

Putting down your pen, you release and frustrated sigh. You had to write a 5 paged essay about World War 2 for your World History class that was due at the end of the week (granted that your professor gave you nearly 3 weeks to work on it). You look down at your paper and read over what you had wrote down.

Y/N Y/L/N

March 8th, 2017

World History

The Second World War

That was it. Your mind went completely blank after that. You looked over your notes once. Then twice. Now nearly six times and still nothing. You tried reading the articles your professor suggested but to no avail.

You pick up your pen again, tapping it on your desk before dropping it and throwing your head back, not forgetting to let out a loud groan. You couldn’t put this aside any longer - you’ve already done that for two weeks.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” you mutter into your hands. You didn’t want to look at that god awful paper again. Then, an idea hit you. “Friday, where’s Bucky - or Steve?”

“Mr. Barnes and Mr. Rogers are in the living room.”

“Thanks.”

You stand up, taking your pen and notebook with you as you rush down the hall. Nearly slipping twice, you make it to the living room and spot the two men sitting on the couch while watching some movie.

You tuck your hair behind your ear and walk around the couch, waving your hand to catch their attention. “Hey guys.”

“Hey Y/N.” Bucky spoke first, throwing a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

“We just started watching this.. Kids cartoon, I think. It’s called Sausage Party. You can join us if you want.” Steve added, glancing over at you.

You laugh. “You’re in for a rude awakening, my friend.” he looks at you with confusion written all over him but you decide to move on. “Um.. I actually came here to ask for your help - or Bucky’s.”

At the mention of his name, he looks over at you.

“What is it?” Steve asked, turning his body towards you as you took a seat on the far end of the couch.

“I have this five paged essay to turn in at the end of the week about World War Two but I dunno I’m just having a hard time doing it.” you sigh. “I mean, I’ve gone over my notes so many times and I’ve read the articles but-”

“The articles are bullshit.” Bucky says. “They always have the wrong information.”

“Which is why I came to you guys for help.” you gesture to them. “Maybe you can put it in a way that I’ll understand? Since, you know, you guys were there and all.”

Steve makes a face. “Sure, I can help you.”

“It’s cool, Steve. I can help her.” Bucky sits up, body now turned towards you.

Steve turns to his friend. “No, it’s fine Buck. I’ve got this.”

“Steve, I can do this. I was there.” he smiled and you knew they were about to start arguing.

“Well so was I.”

“Yeah but,” Bucky scoffs. “I was there.”

Steve frowns, crossing his arms over his chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It mean that... Well..” Bucky pauses, trying to word it correctly but Steve interrupts.

“I was in that war, Bucky.” he spoke.

“Yeah but you weren’t there in the beginning, I was.”

Steve huffed. “It’s not my fault that I was a skinny man and no one..” his voice became background noise when Bucky sighed.

“Here we go again.” he rolled his eyes before preparing for the conversation. “No one said it was your fault, Steve.”

“Well obviously you are because-”

“Steve, don’t start.”

Steve pursed his lips like an immature child. “You don’t think I was a good enough soldier.”

“Oh god.” Bucky breathed, closing his eyes for a split second before looking at Steve. “I never said that.”

“You didn’t have to.” he huffed. “I only saved your life, nothing too major.” sarcasm laced his words and you had to slap a hand over your mouth to prevent you from laughing. You’ve never seen Steve get like this before and it was honestly hilarious.

“You wanna go there? Fine, let’s go there.” Bucky sat on the edge of his seat. “You let me fall of the damn train.”

Steve gasped. “I did not!”

“You did!”

“I tried to get you Bucky!”

“Well you didn’t try hard enough and because of that, I fell off the train, lost my arm and was captured by Hydra.” the soldier crossed his arms.

“Don’t blame this all on me!” Steve shouted.

Deciding that you should stop them from arguing, you interrupt.

“Hey uh, I really need help with that five paged essay. Really important.” you say, causing the two to become silent as they glare at one another.

“I’m helping Y/N.” Bucky spoke.

“No, I am.” Steve hissed.

“You weren’t even there for the first part of it, how could you-”

“Oh, I’m sorry that I was too damn skinny to be enlisted, Bucky!”

“Don’t go there!”

“You already did!”

“You think you’re Mr. Perfect? You didn’t even bother looking for me after I fell!” Bucky argued.

“I thought you were dead!”

He scoffed. “Well clearly I’m not.” he gestures to himself.

“Bucky, I’ll help Y/N because unlike you, I was there till the end.” he smiled sweetly.

“You little shit-”

They start bickering back and forth and finally realizing that you would get help from neither of them, you up and leave the living room, bumping into Tony and Sam along the way.

“What are the old men arguing about?” Tony questioned.

You wave your hand. “Something about Steve leaving his condom wrappers out in the open.”

Tony looks at Sam. “I told you Rogers was getting laid!”

Sam rolls his eyes and they continue on their way towards the elevator. You make it to your room and you’re about to shut the door when you hear Bucky’s voice.

“Where’s Y/N?”

There was a pause.

“See, I told you, you were gonna scare her off!”

“Me? More like you scared her off!”

“Don’t turn this on me, Bucky! If you-”

And you shut the door.

A/N: I didn’t know how to end this so ye. I hope ya guys like it, it was pretty fun to write. Tell me what at think :)

Tags:

@your-puddin @heismyhunter @buchananbarnestrash @live-in-the-now10 @jcb2k16 @plumqueenbucky @thefandomplace @chocolatereignz @blueberry-pens @professionally-crazed @idk-something-amazing-i-guess @almondbuttercup @janetgenea @buckysmetallicstump @flowercrownsandmetallicarms @rvb-and-marvel-shit @ouatalways @winterboobaer @thyotakukimkim @hattnco @millaraysuyai @themercurialmadhatter @miss-jessi29 @snakesgoethe @helloitsgrc @welcometothecasmofsar @aboxinthestars @feelthemusicfuckwhatheyresaying @fandommaniacx @hatterripper31 @coffeeismylife28 @bunchofandoms @bobabucky @under-dah-sea @amrita31199 @sebstanthemanxo @mrs-brxghtside @erinvanlyssel @amistillmyself @buckyandsebsinbin @ballerinafairyprincess

#Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #james barnes #bucky imagine #bucky barnes imagine

[alxxkim]

December 2

I’m currently listening to Overwhelming while eating candy corn Jin got me for my bday (so its been a month and yet) and I feel like I have a lot to say that I don’t have someone to tell to all in one sitting so here it goes. A few weeks ago I decided to stay at Biola for the spring but now I am having second thoughts. I am WAY happier at school away from my family/house and the thought of living at home 24/7 aka how summer was aka hell makes me actually want to kill myself. I really hope that there’s a chance Karina and I both go to Fullerton so we can have a place together.  It sounds so fantastical but also just imagining how amazing my life would be is just all I am looking forward to. I think that I am going to end up enrolling late and not get any classes I want because people have already signed up for classes and most are full lo l but yeah. I am suffering from writer’s block. I tried writing tonight and I actually started crying as I was singing but it just didn’t feel right. I really want to write songs that I can 100% sing-cry to and make it feel so right. I just haven’t found it yet.I wonder how Jon Bellion wrote these songs haha. His lyrics are just so fucking wholesome and relevant to so many aspects of my life. Listening to him tho makes me feel so fucking confused cause the first time I saw him, I was “happy” and brown haired and dating John and the last time I saw him in September I was black haired, single, and broken. I still am those three things. Work has taken over my life again.  I am scheduled Friday-Sunday for the next 2 weeks and as $$ as that made me think I was be, honestly it just doesn’t feel worth it right now. Granted, when I get paid, I will probably feel otherwise.  I’ve been telling myself and others that I am okay with things with John. I honestly can’t fucking tell what I am.  I obviously miss him. I am doing fine without him, I will keep doing fine without him, but I miss having that person. I guess it’s slowly transitioning to the point where you miss the feelings and not the actual person. But just typing that made me realize how false that is. I miss John a lot. He was so funny and caring and loved me so much. I honestly think I can now realize that he loved me just as much as I loved him. And I loved him so fucking much. Just being next to him made everything okay.  The night my mom found an empty cartridge in my room and messaged me about it asking and I thought I was done for, and all I did was just cry, John was just there and as terrified as I was, I was okay because of him.  I think its because its December and the holidays are coming and last winter was probably one of the best parts of my life so far. My 6 week winter break was full of shabu, Fiona, my new polaroid, and just freedom. I was so happy I had Sen Nick and Tyler. I was so happy I had my friends at home. Everything was just so nice. And I had the plan to go to slo with Faith before break ended, and it was just so nice. I miss that feeling of being so excited to see John again. As hard and fucking unfair the distance was being with him obviously made it worth it.  I wish I realized how unhappy John was.  But there’s nothing I could’ve done.  And I need to accept that so that I can stop hating myself for not being better.  Maybe I need to take the next semester off.  Maybe I just need to find new things I could enjoy. I don’t think I want to go to Disneyland next week with my family. My sister isn’t talking to me again. I feel like the family is broken again but its just with me. I’m slowly turning back into the person I was during the summer. There are so many people in my past that I want to rekindle things with and just fucking get a meal to catch up, but I can never do that. I don’t want to talk about John I don’t want to talk about how unhappy and depressed I am.  But I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay. I feel like deleting all social media again. Looking on insta after shifts is just shit because I just feel this urge to fucking post but i have nothing to post because I spent my night inside working. Last night was really fun though. I got off work at around 11 I think and came home and showered and was just going to be on my phone for hours till I was okay enough to sleep. I knew Shin wanted to fuck haha but I told him that I felt like shit so he called me and asked what was up and why I’m depressed.  He actually listened even though I was barely telling him everything because then he would probably think I’m insane if he doesn’t already but yeah he told me to just focus on things I love and that it really helps. It’s so admirable how much he loves working out and playing basketball. But yeah we talked for nearly an hour until he decided to get me and I came outside when he said he was here and as I walked out i noticed he was outside walking to me and he gave me a hug and we drove behind Target and sat there for maybe like 30 min just talking and listening to jbel and the script LOL HE SANG THIS ONE SONG SO FUCKING LOUD he said hes never sung that loudly in front of anyone before hahaha i wish i knew what song it was but i will cause he plays it daily. i just hate asking so im gonna have to snake a peek at his phone the next time it plays. my toes were rlly cold and so he started warming my right foot with his hands and blew air into them a lot haha it was so cute and he gave me a dank ass fucking foot massage holy shit. it hurt like a bitch but in the best way possible. my feet/ankles are always so fucked when i work. so it was especially dank. I also didn’t wear makeup and he said I look better without makeup haha i was like ooooooooooooooooooooook but rlly yeah i was happy he said that especially because I’ve been wearing makeup daily because I just hate myself without it. But that day I had a bare face and actually felt okay. He kissed me and he kept saying how he loves kissing me so much. Omg and we made out to jon b like im sorry but it was fucking amazing. ok we also fucked to him too HAHAHAHA  And then kevin told us to cruise outside cydni’s house cause him paul and esther were smoking so we went and as we pulled up, paul looked at us through his open window and we both laughed in the same explosive way HAHAHAHAH and they told us to shut the fuck up jk they just sushed us ahahahah omfg. it was just too gold. i really don’t want to ever smoke in front of shin again but yeah I couldn’t just say no to weed haha so we hit a piece which burned the shit out of my throat and I was pretty faded I guess and shin kept coughing cause we werent hotboxing the car but it was still potent and i felt bad :( and he was like IS SECONDHAND FADED A THING hahahaha and esther had her juul so i hit that and then we left the car to smoke and i smoked a stoog. oh yeah so immediately after we got out of the car to walk to their car in the beginning, we were just standing outside their car as they were sitting inside and shin like immediately took off his jacket (the warm flannel we got at pacsun whom he loves) and gave it to me even tho he was wearing a tshirt and shorts ugh. i took it off before smoking cause i didn’t want it to  smell so he put it back on and he was like “you can wear it once youre done smoking” haha. and he offered to give it back on the way back to his car but i said i was ok. then on the drive to my house i stuck my body out the window to vent out the smell LOL and it was cold as fuck but felt cool esp with shin’s crazy ass driving hahahahah and i was like i wish you had a sunroof and he was like “yeah thats my bad” and i was like NO BITCH IM NOT TRYING TO COMPLAIN ITS NOT UR BAD I MJSUT SAYING lol and shin has told me how much he hates smoking and the extent of it and how its so unattractive to kiss someone whos smoked so im like welp but as i was getting out of the car he was like yeah fuck u u smell i aint kissing you and i made a pout as i was getting out and he was like no wait and he kissed my cheek hehe. and before that he asked if i was feeling better and i said yes and thanked him and he said yeah of course anytime in a tone like ofc bitch. haha i love when he kisses my head T^T but yeah i came home around 4:40 or however long it took to get to my house and I was happy and hickey’d up and i was just so happy we ended up doing that. 

i slept right before 7am and woke up like 11 so yeah i barely slept which is probably why i felt so off today. but i just stayed in bed till my hair cut which was at 2 and kathy was so shocked to see i cut my bangs LOL going on and on about how i never wanted bangs and then i do it and i WISH I DID NOT TRIM THEM LAST WEEK CAUSE THEYRE SO SHORT NOW CAUSE THEY WERE SO UNEVEN AND I LOWKEY HATE MY HAIR AND I WISH I DIDNT GET IT CUT SHORT UGH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE but im gonna work with it and we’ll see.  I wanna change my hair color again but idk what to change it to.  Then i went to emily’s and we picked up at unity and smoked and caught up and she was doing her interior design homework and i had to leave cause of work which sucked cause i just wanted to actually hang out but i covered shin’s shift today cause he spent all day studying so im glad i got to help him out and if it were anyone else’s shift i would’ve hated myself lol. but he didn’t call me until like 1 or something but i knew he would call eventually and he said he wanted to finish his work early so we could’ve hung out but he has way too much and so we just talked but i could barely talk cause my bitchass sister always fucking goes off about how inconsiderate i am so yeah lmao but yeah and i told him i got off work early to which he said he knew cause i got home around 11 and i ate and he calculated it and theres no way i couldve eaten after getting off at 10:30 and got home HAHAH like he cared enough to think about that.... and then i told him i have work tomorrow 11:30-5 and he said then maybe he’ll come bring me boba 

i dont expect him to but maybe he will im so fucking over work

i cant believe its already sunday tomorrow and i have to go back to school for chapel i think.  fucking kill me. i just want to have free time