#it's not that my eve muse isnt here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ssamie · 3 years

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eight. i’m calling the police

oikawa tooru x fem langa!reader

(hq x sk8 the infinity)

warnings: spelling mistakes, swearing, 2k+ words, adam, u have langa’s blue hair sorry

gen masterlist. “snow” masterlist.

"we're sorry!" the three boys exclaimed

"why are you sorry?" she asked in confusion as she stared down at them with furrowed brows "it wasn't your faults, oikawa-san, matsukawa-kun and hanamaki-kun." she reassured them "and you've been apologising the whole day.. its not like you need to anyways"

"no, we still feel guilty" hanamaki chuckled "since it was our idea in the first place"

"well i was the one who skated so its fine. you don't need to apologise" she smiled at them

"but you're so sad!" oikawa groaned out dramatically "you look so heartbroken!"

"im really not" she sweatdropped

"will you forgive us if we kneel down?" they asked "we already are, just in case!" y/n sweat dropped as she peered down at their grovelling forms and shook her head. "please don't kneel for me" she said

"its fine. i think i'll manage a few days without it" she said

"so why's your eyes all puffy?" iwaizumi deadpanned

"i cried" she replied with a straight face

"i see." iwaizumi hummed.

"hey, y/n-senpai!" kindaichi called out from the gym. "i think this is yours!" she looked up at him with a look of confusion ran over to where he stood. "what is it?" she asked

"its your skateboard." kindaichi replied "it's in the gym for some reason" he said. y/n's eyes sparkled as she picked it up and hugged it to her chest. "wow! did you get it back?" she asked him

"ah no.. it was just there when we entered the gym. kunimi found it" he said as he pointed towards kunimi who was too busy looking at his phone

"thank you!" she beamed at them

"no problem. maybe the teacher decided to give it back" he said

she grinned and happily inspected it for damage just in case. though her smile quickly fell as her eyes trained themselves on a card plastered across the snow monster design's face. she plucked it off and wearily read over the neat letters written in gold ink.

"you'll need this for later.. " she read with furrowed brows

she flipped the card over and paled as she saw the name that was signed. "love, adam" she shuddered

"who's adam?" oikawa asked as he peered over her shoulder to read the card

"um. he's-" she was cut off by the gym lights suddenly shutting off, causing her to jump in surprise. "what happened?" she asked oikawa, who shrugged in response and held her closer to him

"my eve~" a voice cooed, accompanied by what seems like a sigh of delight and pleasure

she shivered and subconsciously backed up into oikawa's chest as she recognized the voice. "hey, what's wrong? you know that creep?" oikawa asked with a frown

"its adam." she said

everyone watched in confusion as the mysterious man entered the gym in an unnecessarily dramatic way. a red carpet rolled from the outside until the spot where y/n stood, and the gym lights turned on but were dimmed.

"i hope you like my little gift" adam cooed as he skated towards her with a grin "you'll need i for what i have in store, as stated in my letter" he said

y/n didn't answer but simply looked at him with a grimace, silently praying to whatever god out there that he just trips and dies or something.

"though i have another gift for you, SNOW" he cooed as he came to a halt before her. adam grinned as he pulled out a huge bouquet of roses "these flowers are red, which symbolise one thing.." he said

"passionate love" adam cooed as he held it before her, making the petals fly around and making her hair sway.

oikawa blinked once, and twice. he looked at the masked man in both fear and ick. just who the hell as he, anyways? "hey-what the?! aren't you like thirty?!" oikawa accidentally blurted out as he pulled y/n away

adam simply ignored the brunette and kept his eyes trained on the girl. he waited patiently for her to accept the flowers.

y/n pursed her lips and reluctantly took it from him. "thanks." she said.

"you're accepting that??" oikawa groaned out as he looked at her in dread and confusion.

she shrugged and gently placed the bouquet on a random bench. "adam--" she cut herself off with a squeak as she felt his hands gently grip her waist and pull her closer

"come to this location i picked out." he whispered into her ear as he handed her another card. y/n stiffly nodded and quickly snatched the card from him, wanting nothing more than to get out of that situation.

"amazing!" adam exclaimed as he, finally, pulled away from her. "you never fail to entertain me, SNOW." he grinned "i knew coming here will be worth my while" he chuckled.

"ah. right.." she muttered as she looked at him weirdly "wait, did you follow me?" she asked with a raised brow as the realisation finally dawned upon her.

"other factors do not matter, my eve" adam mused as he took her hand in his and grabbed her hip with his other. "meet me later and let us dance like old times, okay?" he cooed with a smirk

she looked away in discomfort and reluctantly nodded her head. "right.." she mumbled

the boys, who were standing right there to witness the whole thing, looked at each other with a look that embodied the term 'what the fuck' and mentally agreed to step up and help her.

"excuse me." iwaizumi cleared his throat, making adam side eye him with a look of disinterest

"who are you and what are you doing with y/n?" he asked as he placed his hand on y/n's shoulder to try and pull her free from his grasp. "let go" oikawa said with a scowl as he pried adam's hands off her

"who are these nuisances, my eve?" adam asked her as he completely ignored their presence. "i thought i've already gotten rid of that redhead, and yet new names will be added into the list" adam hummed with a smile

y/n gulped as she took note of the faint hostility behind his tone. "they're my friends." she said as she backed away from him and into oikawa’s arms once again

"i'll meet you for a beef later but that's all" she said as she turned away from him "after that, please leave, adam." she requested with a sigh as she picked up the bouquet and her bag

she gathered the boys and pushed them all out of the gym, quickly ushering them to run off along with her. she looked back one last time, only to be met with adam's eyes which seemed to be comically glowing red under his mask, paired with a grin

she gulped and set him a curt nod. "bye" she said

"goodbye, my eve" adam cooed as he watched her run off to the boys

"hey hey! what the hell was that?!" oikawa exclaimed as he hugged y/n tightly in his arms "that creepy mask man came out of nowhere!" he said "and why'd he start touching you?"

"yeah, who was that?" iwaizumi asked her

"his name is adam, or atleast that's what we call him" she replied "he's just like that, don't mind him"

"uh no, i think i'm gonna mind him, thanks very much" oikawa scoffed "what did you mean when you asked if he followed you?" he asked with furrowed brows

"oh.. well there's no other way he would've known i was here" she replied as she leaned back against his chest

"also, oikawa-san.." she trailed off

"yeah?" he hummed

"why are you still holding me?"

oikawa blinked and slowly retracted his arms with a hint of reluctance. "haha, sorry" he chuckled

"why does he call you eve?" matsukawa sweat dropped. "it has something to do with his name. adam, and eve.. like lovers" she answered with a look of distaste

"..."

iwaizumi let out a sigh before pulling out his phone and dialling a number. "im calling the police." he said

"ah, don't do that" she waved her hands dismissively "i don't think that'll do much anyways"

"well, he's clearly sick in the head so maybe they'll take him somewhere else other than jail" matsukawa mused. "ya know.." hanamaki chimed in "like the psych ward or something"

"well when you put it like that.." y/n sweat dropped

oikawa had a frown on his lips as they chatted. he wasn't joining in like he usually would, and was simply thinking to himself. y/n side eyed him and nudged him with her shoulder. "would you like to have dinner together, oikawa-san?" she asked him

oikawa's eyes widened as his head instantly snapped over to hers "what?!" he spluttered "did you just ask me out?"

"... i asked if you wanted to have dinner" she said

oikawa bit back his tongue as he yearned to say 'that's the same thing!' but fought against it. "ah, sure!" he agreed with a grin. she smiled back and nodded. "great. i needed to stop thinking about adam" she said

"also, will you guys come with me later?" she asked them

the boys raised laughed and immediately nodded. "well, i was going to tell you not to go but.. i guess it'll be fine with us there" iwaizumi said. "yeah. if that dude does something sketchy, i'll seriously call 911" hanamaki laughed

"oh, you can't." she said. "or else you and i will get involved. the skating i do isnt really appreciated by legal forces." she chuckled nervously

"what?"

"its kind of illegal."

"...y/n.." iwaizumi trailed off with a sigh.

"no way?! cool!" oikawa exclaimed as he gave her a high five. "it is, isn't it?!" she grinned as she and oikawa laughed together

"jesus christ." iwaizumi deadpanned

"that dinner was great!" she grinned as she sent oikawa a thumbs up

"ah you're right.." he agreed with a meek laugh. "though it would've been better without them." he muttered as he sent the iwaizumi, maki, and mattsun a glare

"oh cmon captain!" hanamaki mused "you love us!" he laughed. "no i don't" oikawa huffed and crossed his arms.

"well, i love you guys" y/n interjected with an innocent smile

oikawa jumped and hastily waved his arms about. "no! no you don't!" he exclaimed. "why.. why not?" she sweat dropped

"that should be saved for a special someone!" he said "cough. me. cough."

"you're right!" y/n beamed with a grin "like reki!"

oikawa dramatically sulked, kicking rocks by his feet and muttering under his breath as a gloomy aura surrounds him. "reki this reki that. why is it always reki? hmp" he muttered bitterly to himself

iwaizumi sweat dropped and simply dragged him along "shut up, shittykawa. this is just getting sad" he said. "also, y/n where exactly are we going?" iwaizumi asked her as he looked around the dark and unsettling part of the woods they have entered

"adam said he set up a course for us tonight" she answered with a shrug as she pushed her way through random bushes "it has to be hidden but we're very close, don't worry." she reassured

"that's the problem. we're close." iwaizumi sighed. "just so you know, im still against this whole thing"

"don't worry iwaizumi-san! it'll be fun!" y/n said with a grin as she pushed through one last bush, revealing a bright light from behind.

"ah, there she is!"

y/n covered her eyes as a bright light shone against her "my eve!" adam announced followed by multiple cheers and shouts

"what the hell..?" matsukawa muttered as he looked around the abandoned looking part of the forest which was littered with skaters cheering and watching. "what the hell is this place?" she muttered as she recognised a few faces from S "is this S..?"

"my eve" adam cooed as he skated towards her "do you like it?"

"i've gathered everyone here to see you skate!" he exclaimed "everyone has missed you. but not as much as me" adam grinned as he tucked a single rose between her ear, making her shudder and warily poke at the flower.

"is reki here?" she asked with widened eyes as she looked around for a certain redhead

"that boy is not needed, is he not?" adam rebutted with a scowl "so there was no need to invite him."

her face fell at the statement and peered up at him with a frown. "don't say that about him.." she muttered

adam hummed and lit up a cigarette. "if emotions could be seen by the eye, what shapes would they be?" he mused

y/n brows furrowed as he listened to him. "i believe it will be a spring. and that spring will have different amounts of water depending on the occasion." he said "my spring is currently completely dry. because i don't have even one millimeter of interest in that.. reki..." he said with a grimace

"but you.." adam trailed off as he threw the cigar away.

he skated towards her and grinned, encaging her in a bubble her as he skates around her. "good.. you're good.." he said with a sigh of pleasure

"it flows out... it gushes out!" adam exclaimed

"that's right. the prize of this bet shall be you!" he announced as he gripped her waist and pulled her closer to him so their chest were touching "and what shall you ask for if you win, little y/n?" adam cooed as he tilted his head with a grin

y/n sheepishly looked away from him and muttered. "if i win.. you have to go back and leave me alone.." she said

adam's smile momentarily fell. he then grinned and nodded along. "what a cruel request" he mused "but if that is what you want then so be it.." he chuckled

"but that just means i have to win no matter what, right?"

y/n looked at him with dread. she didn't answer but simply turned away from him and faced the boys. "hey, i think we should leave" oikawa suggested with a nervous laugh "that guy is crazy!"

"and what's with this place? i thought for sure he'd just bring you to a skatepark or something" he said as he eyes the various skaters who were chatting along

"you'll see oikawa-san."

everyone watched in anticipation as the lights blink one by one, a buzzing sound acting as a count down for them. as the last ringing of the buzzer filled the air, both adam and y/n skated off.

"holy shit" matsukawa cursed in surprise

they had done so in immense speed and force, that they'd even left some skid marks and a trail of dust and rubble behind

"yeah! go SNOW!" "im betting on you, SNOW!!" "SNOW you better win!"

oikawa watched with widened eyes as the crowd around them cheered and hollered, shouting her alias along with some encouragement. "snow?" oikawa hummed in confusion "is that like a nickname or something?" he muttered

"yes. we like to keep our personal lives apart from our skating activities." a guy chimed in "and that includes our given names, so we make up aliases or nicknames, as you said."

oikawa looked up at the man with a mask and nervously chuckled "i see." he said "what's your name then, sir?" he asked, only to quickly correct himself "or ma'am? uh-"

"cherry." he answered

cherry looked oikawa up and down and brought his eyes up to the screen displaying y/n and adam. "also im a guy." he said with a sigh. "ah right, sorry" oikawa chuckled

"its the hair isn't it?" a new voice cooed followed by a laugh

oikawa watched as cherry sighed and irritably glare at the green haired guy that skated towards them.

"sup kid" joe greeted with a nod "i heard you came with our rookie over there" he mused as he stared up at the girl through the screen. "im joe. im a friend of hers" he said with a grin as he held his hand out for him to shake. "cherry here is too"

"oikawa tooru" oikawa said as he accepted the hand shake "im also her friend" he smiled at them

"stop talking and watch. she brought you here so you better make the most of it" cherry interrupted their conversation

"right.." oikawa nodded

"YEAH GO SNOW!" "she's speeding up!" "ADAM's totally catching up though!"

oikawa's eyes glistened in wonder and amazement as he watched her sharply turn a corner and flip her board around, using the edge to balance herself from the steep curve of the concrete.

"its here!" adam exclaimed in delight

y/n turned back with a cautious gaze as she watched in partial dread and confusion as adam does some type of dance as he skates. though she wouldn't lie, it was kid of impressive for him to keep his balance. but still..

" here, here! right in my heart!" adam exclaimed with a light squeal, continuing to dance and spin around, only making her dread what was to come next even more.

"now, little y/n.." adam cooed as he suddenly appeared behind her to grab her waist and drag her closer to him, causing their boards to bump.

"dance with me!" he said with a grin as he took her hand and maneuvered their way through the curves and turns of the course

"what the..?! that's dangerous! shouldnt this be against the rules or something?!" oikawa exclaimed as he watched the scene play out in fear

"no. there are no rules when it comes to S." cherry explained. "it may be dangerous but, the moment she agreed to the beef was her brushing off the consequences she may face."

oikawa gulped and look back up, watching on distaste as adam spreads her feet to make her lose her balance

iwaizumi, matsukawa and hanamaki's expressions were just about the same. they didn't really know what they were expecting when she brought them here but it surely wasn't this.

adam chuckled as he pushed her, making her stumble and almost fall off, only for him to catch her by the small of her back and dipping her as if it was a dance.

"okay, this is going too far.." iwaizumi muttered as they watched her expression through the screen

y/n gritted her teeth as she glared up at him, only for adam to smile at her in amusement.

"y/n.." oikawa muttered with a frown as he felt the worry build up inside of him

"we're approaching a big corner now!" adam taunted her. he intertwined their hands and grinned mischievously as he lifted her up and started spinning her around. "here we go!" he exclaimed with a laugh

it was a total contrast to her screams of pure dread and adrenaline, tightly gripping his hands so she wouldn't fall and injure herself

"this is so fun, SNOW!" adam cooed as she finally was able to place her feet back on her board, although they were still spinning

everyone watched as the camera zoomed in on them, showing her widened eyes and gritted teeth as she stared up at adam, who was smiling tauntingly at her. "oh? is something the matter?" adam cooed "please don't tell me youre scared."

it seems everyone, including adam was pleasnatly surprised as a small but noticeable smirk carved itself onto her lips. maybe it was adrenaline, but it seemed like it was out of enjoyment as well. after all, it's been a while since she's skated properly against someone.

y/n grinned as she narrower the space between them, pushing herself against him as she took turn to maneuver them against the turn

"she narrowed the turn radius to speed up" joe said as he stared up at the screen with a proud and amused smile "still the same as always"

the boys looked at him and gulped. they had no idea what was happening whatsoever, except for the fact that she can literally die or injure herself with one wrong move.

"love-love-love-lovely!" adam exclaimed with a laugh "wonderful!". y/n panted as she pulled away and finally managed to get a grip of her board once again

"he's gonna do the love hug" a new voice filled the air

the boys whipped their heads around to see a redhead rushing towards the scene with two other guys, one younger.

"love hug..?" oikawa tilted his head in confusion as he peered down at the vaguely familiar redhead. though his attention was averted back to the screen as the atmosphere seemed to have grown heavier

adam was grinning as he spun back around, spreading his arms as he looked at her through his mask. "come here.. into my arms!" adam cooed "love hug!"

"Y/N!!" reki exclaimed as he shifted anticipatingly in his place, dropping his own board in the process

as comical as it was, she somehow managed to hear his scream. maybe it was because everyone else was quiet due to suspense. but reki's voice echoed throughout the cleared out forest loud enough for her to hear.

"reki..?" y/n spluttered as she immediately jumped over adam, performing what looks to be a snowboarding trick. she stayed in the air for longer as she eyed the area she planned to land.

"YEAH! GO SNOW!" cheers erupted among the audience, filling the tense air with noise yet again.

"she did it!" reki grinned as he watched her through the screen

"reki?" oikawa mumbled with widened eyes as he looked at the redhead with a new sense of intimidation and wariness. though his eyes were quickly averted back to the scene before him. as unexpected as it was, he'd still rather focus on y/n skating rather than some kid he didn't know.

"adam's not having it." cherry sighed as he watch adam try to keep up with her speed but struggle due to the advantage she had received

"she's gonna win!" reki grinned as he watched the two skate in anticipation

and just as he had predicted, loud screeching of her board's tires were heard as she passed over the finish line. "ah-ah shit!-" she cursed as she lost her balance and toppled over, causing her to wince in pain

"ouch.." she sighed as she sat up on the ground, rubbing her head and checking her board for damage since the course was rockier than usual

"y/n-chan!" oikawa exclaimed as he, along with the three boys rushed over to her, given that the finish line was a few yards away from them. "oikawa-san!" she faced him with a grin as she opened her arms for him to drop into "i won!" she said

"i know! you were so cool!" oikawa gushed as he stared up at her in admiration

"ehem." iwaizumi cleared his throat

"oh right." oikawa muttered. "but that was really dangerous!" he scolded her, a total contrast to his reaction before. "are you injured? your hand is probably wounded with how much you skidded it against the rocks!"

she smiled sheepishly and shook her head "im fine, oikawa-san" she reassured him "my hands and feet are kind of sore but it's alright"

"also.. was reki here? i heard him" she asked as she looked around the place, trying to find the redhead

"i've lost" adam said as he stopped before her

"you.. you do remember what my request was right?" she asked him with a wary gaze. "of course, my eve" adam mused. "i'm not very happy with it, as you may know"

she looked down at her shoes and gave him a quick bow "sorry." she said "but a bet is a bet. and i won." y/n looked up at him and sent him a faint ghost of a smile. "it was fun skating with you, adam. but you have to distance yourself from me.."

adam gazed at her with pursed lips, not looking too amused about the situation, but nodded nonetheless. "im glad i've left you satisfied, my eve" he cooed as he took her hand in his and placed a quick peck onto her knuckles

the boys around her sweat dropped as they witnessed the strange and awfully uncomfortable interaction. "right well.." iwaizumi cleared his throat as he hesitantly pushed them apart. "we'll be going now." he said "this place is dangerous and you shouldn't really be making her participate in reckless things like this. do better sir."

y/n smiled at him and chuckled as he dragged her away along with the others, more that eager to leave that place.

"you're never skating ever again." iwaizumi said to break the silence

"what?! no way!" she whined "didn't you see that iwaizumi-san? it was so fun!"

"that guy was a creep and you were on the verge of dying."

"well.. it was fun though" she huffed as she realised she couldn't even disagree with his statement

"well, i think it looked fun" oikawa whispered to her with a cheeky wink, making her chuckle and suppress a smile

"anyways.." she started as they had finally reached the exit of the forest. "i asked you before but.. was reki there? i heard him" she said

"reki? well..." oikawa hesitated as he nervously looks around the place. "was he there, oikawa-san?" she asked him with an innocent smile

"he-"

"Y/N I FOUND YOU!!"

i just used the whole beef langa had w adam on ep.5 here lol </3

sorry for the spelling /grammar mistakes if there are any :>

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cainfm · 4 years

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『BILL SKARSGARD ❙ NONBINARY』 ⟿ looks like CAIN ROMANOV is here for THEIR SENIOR year as a LITERATURE student. THEY are 25 years old & known to be RIGHTEOUS, TRUE, EVASIVE & GUARDED. They’re living in MORIS, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ JAMES. 21. EST. SHE/THEY.

hdsjnf hello all ... it is james again ... here with another ... replacing noelle with cain bt it’s fine im fine. i’ve hit muse limit u wn’t hear frm me again ... so hit tht like button .. this isnt the best intro ive done bt mostly bc im just kinda like ... taking an old one n rewriting it as i go

TW CULTS, HEROIN USE / ADDICTION, DRUG ADDICTION / USE, ABUSE, PSYCHOLOGICAL / EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, PTSD, ANXIETY, TRAUMA.

aesthetics.

dangling limbs from tree branches, yellowed book pages, opened bottles of vintage wine, oversized sweaters and deep under eyes, bleached denim, worn leather gloves, cat hair against black cloth, fields of wheat, broken windows, descending staircases, tight-lipped smiles during public appearances, golden skies, light spilling from windows, stumbling over one’s own words, wire-framed beds, linens, wool scarves, making the wrong decisions; running, from others and yourself.

basic info.

full name: cain alexei romanov

nickname(s): n/a

b.o.d. - feb 19th, pisces :) happy birthday!

label(s): the connard (previously), the escapist, the facade, the fallen, the lothario (previously), the pariah, the phoenix, the puppeteer (previously), the sybarite, etc.

height: 6′4″ ... bruv.

hometown: stratford, connecticut

sexuality: bisexual uwu?

stats

inspired by: i feel like i did ... have an inspiration for him but i don’t ... remember ... so ur not getting this one ... i might edit this later if smth pops into my head but. alas.

biography.

born to connecticut senator vaughn romanov and well known philanthropist adelaide romanov, they were born into a life of privilege in a very prominent new england family. they’re the eldest of five in a very nuclear, picture perfect, preppy chic family.

was brought up to be a class a, outstanding, perfect citizen. golden child to the all american family (willfully ignoring the fact that his father came from russian immigrants). cain listened, obeyed, never strayed outside the lines.

it was always intended for cain to take on after their father, to follow in his footsteps and become a politician too. there were several expectations for them, including joining model un, debate, deca, splitting time between soccer, track, basketball, lacrosse, becoming class president, and all while maintaining a valedictorian - worthy gpa.

even volunteered on the weekends at homeless shelters and food banks, proving to everybody in their community just how much of a gem they were, darling, perfect member of society.

always eager as a child, eager for approval, eager to impress and wow and dazzle authorities and adults alike - cain never really had a problem with any of it? always attended church on sundays and sometimes even wednesdays. participated in family dinners and christmas photoshoots and new years eve parties, easter egg hunts and family reunions.

born and raised in stratford, super close to lovell to the point where it’d always been expected that the romanov children would simply just go to radcliffe, as did their parents. their home in stratford is a big, fancy, seven bedroom eight bath house with two fireplaces and an expansive dining room. no pool, but a sturdy treehouse made by scratch.

however. their model citizen persona was just that, a persona - a charade. in the community and to his family, cain was a hardworking citizen who upheld standards, a leader. to classmates and peers, from elementary to college - cain was the devil themself.

arrogant, harrowing, an outright bully who tore down others when they felt like it, often unprovoked. they were the senator’s son, and a rich one at that - rules never applying because they simply never existed for them, the upmost privilege because of who their family happened to be and their place in society. tattlers of their behavior faced far more consequence than cain ever did, or would.

the sort of person who’d genuinely look down at someone if they had less than them - a narcissistic dickhead who cared about two or three people, tops, outside of their family. was never physically violent, nor did they raise their voice, but that’s what made them all the worse. made them all the scarier. spewed classist bullshit with ease and was addicted to the power high it gave them.

their only redeeming quality was their protectiveness over their family - never the best person, but family is family, and they thought it ought’d to be protected.

went into political science and business to please their father, mainly, every step they made - every path cain went down, every choice from the electives they took in high school to the brand of shoes they wore, was to build them into the ideal presidential candidate.

probably joined a frat though cain never participated in parties too often, known for keeping their composure even when others resorted to violence, or got too drunk, or caused any public commotion, because they didn’t like to leave a bad image for the press. did their drugs in private but left nothing to the imagination, publicly.

but alas. during college, two very important series of events occurred.

seeking thrills, searching for fun in all the wrong places - cain became a middle-man between dealers and producers. never dealt it, and never produced it, but simply transported it between one another; the less everybody knew about each other the better. it was always a very hushed operation. one that they could’ve profited much off of, though money was never the motive for them.

and then he met earl and may meyers, fellow volunteers at a thanksgiving food drive; an older couple immediately drawn to cain, reasonable considering just who their father was, and cain to them. they can’t tell you what about the couple was so appealing - the air around them was something else entirely; some called it unhinged, others would call it comforting. but they were kind folks, down to earth - very religious, and very warmhearted. liked his name, a lot - like in the bible, they’d say, and laugh, and pat his arm. they would say, on occasion, that they reminded them of their late son.

it’d happened towards the end of their junior year, a few years after they’d gotten involved in the drug business - and the meyers were volunteering more and more, always at the same places as cain. the same times, too, as if they were learning his schedule. in retrospect - it was odd, but cain’d never suspected a thing. they kept talking, and it became a genuine friendship - a secured vote in the next election.

it only took a few months into this that they’d begun to talk about religion more. the sin of wealth, and god choosing only a select few when he cleanses the earth. only the worthiest souls. they’d eventually get into the rhythm of telling cain they were special - that they could see they’d be selected, see it in their aura, in their dreams, god sending them messages, etc. most would find it to be absolutely ... bonkers.

but it was oddly appealing to cain - like, maybe i am being constrained by capitalism. maybe i am disappointing god - aren’t i a devoted follower? it felt nearly ridiculous, but it seeped into their mind. psychological manipulation, lasting over months and cain unsuspecting. as if they could ever be the one manipulated. but the meyers could ask cain to jump, and they’d simply say - how high?

soon enough, earl and may told them that they were moving. that there’d been so many more like them and that it was time to join them, time to prepare - to get ready for the rapture. cain held off at first, finishing up their first term of their senior year and their life planned right before their eyes. everything they’d ever worked for. their loyal companions and close-knit family, their side-business that’d only gotten stronger - a long-term girlfriend and the engagement ring that burnt in their pocket, made their heart beat twice as fast at the very thought. still the same as before, cruel without a cause, but still surrounded by those who loved them - who could find something in them to love.

but a month into their senior year, cain had a sudden change of heart. they were ready, now, if not now then never later. all because of a third event. a surprise. a shock. a betrayal.

they had discovered that they were not their father’s child - not at all, not even by an inch. they were someone else’s, completely. their mother had broken down and cracked, after a particularly straining christmas party. the discussion was long, and the heartbreak only grew. the anger only grew. the hurt - it grew. more and more, with each pitiful sob their mother gave them. it was a mistake - a one night stand in a fit of petty anger in the very early stages of their marriage. and only cain knew - like they had to carry this weight, now, that they never asked to have.

it was the kind of information that broke a person. cain idolized their parents, done everything they’d ever asked - ever expected, and beyond, let them mold them like putty into whatever form they wanted. only to find out that in the end, it didn’t matter. it never mattered, if cain wasn’t the blood child of vaughn. if their mother - a woman who hadn’t a bad bone in her body, was nothing but a cheat and a liar.

cain unraveled.

they spent the first week getting into an altercation with near anybody who looked at them wrong. physical, usually - though arguments arose frequently as well. with no explanation, only thrown fists - often drunk, or high, or sober too - it never mattered. they spent a night in county jail, it’d gotten so bad. it seemed to have no end.

right until new years, just after midnight, when cain had disappeared without a word. it was treated like a missing persons case, though there was no evidence of foul play or kidnapping, and not much could be done about it.

BEGINNING OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS

the only people who knew of cain’s whereabouts were the meyers - because they had left together. a last minute decision that, if they had only waited a simple minute longer, would’ve never happened. a mistake they desperately wished they could take back. a mistake that led to another event - maybe the most important one of them all.

they’d gone only hours away from stratford, and lovell, the border between new york and connecticut and not as far as cain had initially thought, but deep, deep into the woods. that was where the cult’d been. they wore white linens and cotton, but never mixed. technology banned, prayers and daily chores. it was natural, at first. for the first three months, that was.

it could’ve been grand. it was peaceful, and mind-clearing, and they treated cain as if their birth was a sign from the angels. cain come to undo his past. a potential leader. but the longer they stayed, the more apparent it became that they weren’t all that the cult had wanted, so desperately, to believe. once they began to slip up, once members became displeased - that’s when the punishments began to occur.

sometimes once a week, but sometimes - and, later, much more so, multiple. the memories are suppressed, for the most part - but there are some things they simply can’t - the hands, they can’t forget. pulling, and tugging, and gripping - begging, asking him to repent, please, repent. their head held underwater, counting seconds until their vision’d eventually darken and go out, only to be pulled out gasping and sobbing. these memories stay - these memories repeat themselves, like a record stuck on repeat, days blurring into one another.

when they tried to fight back - they were subdued. heroin was the first step. little by little, everyday - enough to leave them in a high they wouldn’t remember; enough to burn a hole in their memory. and with these dimming memories, cain’d begin to sneak paper and pencil into their living arrangement, their room, writing everyday. wrote as much as they could remember from home - about their family, their life before it all - the people they loved. they couldn’t remember what they’d written, some days.

and when those notes were found, bound by thread taken from their own clothing to form a shabby book - that’d been the final straw. dragged, kicking and screaming - mind-numbingly high, into place. the twisted reenactment, retelling of cain’s demise. how exactly he’d gotten his scar. it would’ve been near perfect, if they had only stayed still and let them brand the mark into his forehead. but instead - they settled, eventually, for the chest. then - the left cain to die in the middle of the woods. in the middle of nowhere. no trails or campsites to follow, nothing at all. nothing but trees. nothing but his notes and the clothes on their back. they hadn’t even known what day it was - almost forgotten the year, too.

cain should’ve died there, but cain got up. and they ran. and ran. and ran. until they hit something, eventually. a road. it’d been pure luck that they’d found a car near immediately afterwards, whose driver wasn’t doubling as a murderer, who took them to the hospital - and who gave cain that chance to live. they were found on new years, a full cycle - a full year in the cult that’d changed their life.

END OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. STILL MENTIONS OF TRAUMA / MENTAL HEALTH / RECOVERY / ADDICTION BEYOND THIS POINT.

after being reunited with their family in the hospital - everything went by very fast. they couldn’t recognize their youngest sibling, but they also couldn’t remember why they’d left in the first place. couldn’t remember the name of their girlfriend, but the color of her hair and the way she smelled. they couldn’t give answers to their actions.

and after being put into therapy and recovery for their addiction - that’s when they find out that their father’s a presidential candidate, that they had been - that they used cain’s disappearance as a story for the press, one to garner votes. their return is national news, and their public opinion skyrockets. it’s supposed to be glorious, and a miracle, a blessing - but cain feels restrained. confined to the role they’d always been expected to play - expected to get up and continue with their life, as if nothing had happened.

but nothing didn’t happen - everything happened, and cain’s different now, vastly so - no longer who they thought they were. they change their major to literature, abandon politics. they get some cats, start working at the library, and they put on some leather gloves - their method of staying away, of keeping a comfortable distance. they are different, now, and simply only wish to focus on their recovery.

personality.

they’re no longer who they once were. a year of trauma does things to a person - and with memory loss that weighs heavy on their mind, they are near completely different. they remember parts of their old personality, their old lifestyle - enough to know they want to be better. they’re convinced that it’s karma, what happened to them. for being who they were - acting the way they did. just ... a bunch of self-blame.

even with the massive ego, cain’s always been a quiet person. but now - now cain’s even quieter. kinder, if not a little sarcastic, like a relic from the past. they’re distant - but it’s one of fear, restrictive and tense - not one made out of their own comfort.

smokes medical marijuana but rarely drinks ... as if that’d make a difference. in an effort to beat their heroin addiction, they’ve turned to prescriptions instead.

like i mentioned ... cain has four cats. it’s basically their entire personality. two of them were from before their disappearance, but two are new to their little (school-approved) family. there is: frank (big chungus when yelled. white and gray), brock (orange. fluffy. stoic. devours food), shoelace (black furred, missing an eye and half an ear), and crunchwrap supreme (crunch for short. calico with bent ears). yes, they have photos of their cats in their wallet.

cain’s memory is fucked - like, really fucked. they forget a lot of things. short term, long term. it’s a constant struggle. they managed to keep their notes from the cult, so those help - but not always. they forget dates and names and faces and events. sometimes they wake up and don’t know where they are. they don’t sleep often, anyways. with the trauma came night terrors, and in an attempt to avoid them they don’t ... sleep often. only a few hours a night if they can withstand it, because it’s frankly terrible.

they suffer from severe touch aversion. skin contact with anybody, of any sort, is enough to send cain into a full-blown panic attack. they were leather gloves more often than not in an attempt to combat this disadvantage, without hindering their dexterity too much. even with clothes, they’re not the biggest fan of physical contact. it won’t send him into a panic attack, but they visibly flinch away. they’re very clear from the get-go, if someone is too close to them, that they don’t like physical contact.

dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week. their therapist recommended that they keep writing their notes, after reviewing them himself, so cain does. they keep an entire journal where they write, and sketch a little, because it helps them cope and de-stress. it means a lot to them, actually.

also dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week - therapist recommended he kept writing after looking at his notes - so he does, keeps an entire journal where they write and like … sketch a little, because it helps them cope. means more to them than it would seem. but, unfortunately, part of their coping involves getting far too involved in their own mini-investigation of the cult they’d been part of. when the cult was tracked back to where cain’d been brought, they were already gone - and cain wants to know where. wants to know how to find them. wants justice, vengeance. wants nobody else to get hurt from them.

pretty blunt ... won’t go out of their way to announce that hey, they were part of a cult, and that’s why they’re gone and that’s why that’s the way they are now - but they also won’t lie about it, if the topic comes up in conversation. they don’t like delusions, don’t like secrets, nor do they like unnecessary attention.

being at radcliffe makes cain anxious because - well, they’re surrounded by people they’ve been doing wrong by for years now and they can’t even remember which ones. who, what, when, why - distant memories, if they’re even there at all. is constantly trying to figure out how to redeem themselves. they’d leave, if it hadn’t been their parents’ assistance that they stay there. so that someone always has an eye on them.

but like ...they screwed over a lot of people when they left. from plugs / customers to their ex-girlfriend, who they are, undeniably, still in love with (you can’t forget that feeling) - to their friends. like. everybody, pretty much KBJNSDFKSNLD

is often pretty high ... i’d say it’s just the medical weed but. alas :/ take a guess :/

hates cars & swimming & crowds. hates feeling trapped and will avoid it whenever possible. doesn’t want to be seen as unsociable, but it’s difficult.

they ... have a tendency to run away when they’re overwhelmed. likes to climb trees because they’re tall enough to. there’s a tree outside of their window that they climb out to frequently, even though it’s like a ~safety hazard~ or whatever. just really likes to hide out.

used to be in perkins when they last attended radcliffe, but they gave their spot to someone else and that was like - 100% fine w/ cain tbh. lives alone in moris now.

feels the need to redeem themself ... to like, everybody. like, they want to avoid conflict and be a better person, but it’s hard, and they don’t necessarily like confrontation either - and not everybody believes that cain’s changed. it wouldn’t be surprising if people were suspicious of cain, for whatever reason, because they don’t ... really have the best track record anymore.

developed a stutter as one of the results from their trauma. their voice is damaged from screaming and they’re self-conscious about it, but they’re working on it because there’s more important things to worry about. in general, cain looks ... gaunt, too thin, and generally sickly.

repeating senior year ... fr obvious reasons ... and probably won’t graduate anytime soon because they’ve changed their major so late.

can still hold a conversation & they’re not really afraid of socialization. it just takes a toll on them. they’re pretty lowkey, as a person. soft, sorta. quiet but they won’t be an asshole (on purpose). they like people! just. very low energy.

so like ... tldr ... not an asshole anymore ... dealing with a lot of trauma ... trying to be a good person ... yes ...

wanted connections.

locals... people they’ve grown up with their entire life. people they’ve wronged, people who idolized him, envied him, despised him, etc.

enemies... would love for a bunch of these just. a hoard of people who fucking hate cain. because it fits the bill. they could’ve bullied them, or wronged them, whatever. anything works. let’s make it happen.

exes... that they’ve dumped... old hookups, ex-friends, people they got into an argument with or fought before they disappeared last year...

ex girlfriend... that connection wld b rly neat!! i have it up as a wc rn but we can take that down ... will be holding intense american idol - esque auditions. remember that cain ws a fckn classist pig and probably only dated people who were also rich with influential families. (unless u present a very good case to me ... then maybe ... perhaps ...)

family friends... family rivals... people he knows mostly thru their family.

redeemable... people they’re trying to redeem themself to... trying to prove their worth, and that they’re a better person now, etc. etc.

old clients... :) angry clients. that they left in the dust.

perkins... people he knew from perkins ... old pals or maybe enemies idk he was pretty insufferable ... people he used to go to fancy parties with sometimes ...

angery... people so so so so fucking pissed at cain, for whatever reason.

reconciliation... reconnecting... used to be friends and we can be friends again :) and i will be better this time! i’m a slut for slowburns, especially slowburn friendships ... enemies to friends ... now THAT is sexy.

victims... of bullying ... :/ of their bullying specifically.

sof...t... wholesome content ... nothing but soft, understanding friendships ... or developing friendships ... make them feel welcomed again... forgive them...

an..g.st... friends to enemies. enemies to bigger enemies. miscommunication. betrayal. whatever u want.

no hookups!!! ... please only previous encounters. nothing in the present. because it just wldn’t make sense.

unless... eyes emoji. H DSJLFJKS just kidding! i’d accept MAYBE some kind of sexual tension but like ... the sort that hurts, because it just Cannot Happen (i will not let it happen). or maybe a fun, casual sexting thing but like. nothing physical. pleasthe.

fuck politics!... mayhaps, they hate mr. romanov and his politics or smth. he’s probably corrupt in some way, so! go at it!

aggression... i feel like a lot of the conversations between cain n other ppl start out rly ... angry bc theyre Mad. at them.

ok it’s bed time please plot with me.

#radintro #cult tw #heroin tw #drug abuse tw #addiction tw #trauma tw #ptsd tw #anxiety tw #manipulation tw #abuse tw #i think thts all ...

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maxbronte · 7 years

Text

i think i accidentally deleted the super exciting message i got about this two weeks ago but here’s an explanatory guide to my tags + the source creds in case that person is still wondering!!

stuff i came up with because i couldn’t find an appropriate enough quote

╳ 𝙞'𝙡𝙡 𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪 — 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙙𝙤𝙜 𝙩𝙤𝙤.┊re: CHARLIE KING. ▒ a play on the scooby doo villain mantra, except more wholesome.

╳ 𝙞'𝙢 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙝𝙖𝙗.┊re: BOOKER CORMAC. ▒ technically a reference to sage’s characterization of booker as “the ahab” horror trope.

╳ 𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙜𝙖𝙨𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨. 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙨𝙪𝙣𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙚.┊re: THE BABES VS. BULLSHIT BRIGADE. ▒ cheesy first bit written by me and second bit is a reference to this corny pinterest pin.

╳ 𝙝𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙨𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙚𝙣.┊ANATOMY. ▒ my tagline for this character which is now canonically a reference to the headline from a news report on the “Hooper Port Horror”

╳ 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙨𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙖 𝙡𝙤𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖 𝙙𝙞𝙧𝙜𝙚.┊PLAYLIST. ▒ b/c my max playlist is mostly grotesque creepy love songs that can be interpreted as both murder fantasies and sex fantasies all at once

╳ 𝙖 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙙𝙡𝙮 𝙛𝙪𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞'𝙡𝙡 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙙𝙤 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣.┊m: FORMER POTENTIAL VALEDICTORIAN. ▒ reference to a David Foster Wallace book + my attempt to condense her former identity into 2 words. for musings on the person she used to be, who she never can be and never wants to be again: the smart cheerleader in a mean clique. her capacity for academics has dropped severely since developing ptsd

╳ 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝙛𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙝.┊m: WHEN AMITY IS THE KISS OF DEATH. ▒ first half is actually from silent hill 3 but the second half is mine, from a paragraph that got cropped out of one of my threads. the tag is for musings about max being terrified of getting close to people b/c 1) anybody could be a killer and 2) she thinks she’s an inherently toxic person who will poison anyone she touches and 3) she’s pretty sure everyone who comes near her becomes slasher fodder

stuff other people came up with:

╳ 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙛𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙪𝙥 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛.┊m: MAX BRONTE SHE’S A HUMMINGBIRD. ▒ both of these are reference to a really horrific passage in this para with @saintjimmys and it’s for musings about how max is this ‘pretty dainty bird’ with a rapid heartbeat because she’s always in a state of extreme stress, & how she used to be this pretty bird who was too fast for him to catch but now she’s all crippled and vulnerable in the palm of his hands (it’s a very creepy passage i hate it i love it)

References to outside material

╳ 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙖𝙞𝙙 𝙞 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 — 𝙝𝙖𝙪𝙣𝙩 𝙢𝙚, 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙣.┊re: JIMMY ST. CLAIR. ▒ from wuthering heights and i just want to say that the parallels between catherine/heathcliff and jimmy/max were actually 100% accidental. sage hasn’t even read any bronte and i didn’t realize when i was naming her that gothic romance would become such a huge part of her character. the quote is extra appropriate b/c jimmy accused max of “killing” the innocent boy he used to be, and max agrees and wants him around to make her confront her guilt.

╳ 𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙩 — 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙤𝙤𝙜𝙚𝙮𝙢𝙖𝙣.┊re: THE CREEPER. ▒ reference to that iconic Halloween exchange. Laurie: “It was the boogeyman...” Dr. Sam Loomis: “As a matter of fact, it was.” im not that proud of this one im probably gonna change it to some kind of reference to THIS

╳ 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙬𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙗𝙖𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙬𝙨.┊re: SYDNEY WURM. ▒ from the modest mouse album title because nina is modest mouse trash and also because max and sid’s co-masochistic relationship is based on a mutual desire for punishment for their sins.

╳ 𝙚𝙨𝙘𝙖𝙥𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙖 𝙣𝙤𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙖 𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙪𝙖𝙡 𝙬𝙖𝙫𝙚.┊re: MITCHELL SARKOZY. ▒ from that She Wants Revenge song everybody knows. their relationship isnt that similar to the song but the line is just to demonstrate that they just have each other as fucktoys and there’s no emotional investment whatsoever. they finish up and she’s all torn up and feeling guilty about using him as a coping mechanism for tyler’s death he’s like okay bye see you next week

╳ 𝙬𝙚'𝙧𝙚 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙣𝙨 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙫𝙚𝙨.┊re: GREY CAVERLY. ▒ reference to an emily dickinson line “i’m out with lanterns-- looking for myself.” because max and grey first met wandering through the woos while max was looking for her phone and said a line about “my whole life is on that thing can you imagine losing your whole life” but also more deeply a reference to them as co-explorers trying to find their old identities and maybe wrap their heads around their new one and their whole relationship is about adventure discovery and this was the first ever tag i was really proud of ok i know where i was going with it i just can’t explain it

╳ 𝙞 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙙 𝙖 𝙛𝙡𝙮 𝙗𝙪𝙯𝙯 – 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙞 𝙙𝙞𝙚𝙙.┊m: IDENTITY MORATORIUM. ▒ from an emily dickinson poem + psychological term for a state of suspended identity. this is kind of a coupled tag with FORMER POTENTIAL VALEDICTORIAN but with more emphasis on the aspect of the person max used to be dying alongside tyler’s corpse in the church fire.

╳ 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙞𝙣 𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙚 - 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣 𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧.┊re: CYPRESS BRONTE. ▒ reference to another Modest Mouse song. reference to cy wanting max to chill and her wanting him to leave her alone. second bit is a double entente: they see each other as an old friend turned weirder but they’re also both both see each other as so different from the person they grew up with that they’re basically strangers to each other

╳ 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙢𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙙𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙡 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙚𝙚 .┊BRONTE vs. WURM vs. ST. CLAIR. ▒ reference to that old idiom and plans for a future plot where sid and jimmy wind up getting along and jimmy starts kicking it with them real casually and max looks into the camera very frightened like what the fuck is happening how did i get here

╳ 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙤𝙠𝙖𝙮. 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚'𝙨 𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙫𝙞𝙫𝙖𝙡 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠𝙨 𝙖 𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙙𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙝 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨.┊re: RUBY KANE. ▒ from angels of the get through by andrea gibson. because max and ruby are HOT MESSES but at least theyre surviving and max just wants ruby to celebrate every tiny victory she’s proud of her

╳ 𝙬𝙚𝙡𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙣𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡.┊FLASHBACK. ▒ quote from Fright Night. because after max & co made Jimmy watch a horror movie and pranked him, he made them LIVE one, for real.

╳ 𝙤𝙝 𝙦𝙪𝙞𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩. 𝙗𝙡𝙪𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙫𝙞𝙧𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙘𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣𝙨.┊re: JONAH B. JAMES. ▒ From a fave book Deathless. because they’re both slutty heretics in their own narratives. it actually doesn’t fit their relationship yet because they still think of each other as pure but once she finds out how filthy hi soul is it’ll be easier for her to interact with him i think.

╳ 𝙞 𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙. 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙. 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙙’𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙣𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙.┊re: TYLER ROMERO. ▒ from a series of unfortunate events. self explanatory. everything turned to shit when her beloved douchey boyfriend died

&. i definitely still need tags for: -eve -terence -darby -sheila -axel -dahlia -jupiter -max's super cute parents + cat -dakota

#( ooc. )

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thebrightestringaroundthemoon · 6 years

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anyway time to use this blog for what i created it for i guess and type out a big long thing about how im a worthless piece of shit and should pour myself a nice big glass of creamer, sugar, and clorox. i literally serve like? no purpose? in life? at all? im a completely directionless failure that operates with about the complexity of a fucking roomba, running into the same goddamn couch over and over again and slightly redirecting. if i get lucky, i run into a different couch, but nothing fucking changes. i do the exact same thing over and over again: surround myself with wonderful, fantastic people, fuck it up and make them hate me, and then spiral into a pit of my own pointless fucking despair until i realize im such a fucking failure of a person i cant even muster the energy it takes to fucking die so i just get up again in the morning and go again. rinse and fucking repeat. and its not like i have some horrible life or anything, im just profoundly unfit to exist on this planet. i have wonderful friends who actually, honest to god care about me and its evidently not good enough for me?? so i just respond to everything by assuming the worst, spiralling, and being too much of a dumb bitch to fucking talk to A N Y B O D Y about A N Y T H I N G cuz i guess i’d rather make a dumb edgy tumblr blog named after the lyrics to a fucking asia song than actually solve any of my problems. i guess its too much to solve a problem when the fundamental core of who you are as a person is the fucking problem. i mean, there is a solution, but ive already covered why nobody needs to be worried about me doing that! bnobody needs to be worried about me doing anytuhing! accomplishing anything! ever becoming anything! ever managing to do much more than drag myself out of bed in the morning and inspire a profoundly sad mixture of pity and annoyance in everyone iv’e ever come into fucking contact with! im sitting here debating fixing the fucking apostrophe in the last sentence and its driving me fucking mad while real people have real fucking problems and my cardboard cutout ass bad edgy teen novel stupid bitch excuse for a person ass is sitting here doing THIS with my fucking time. I have things i shuold be doing, could be doing, but this is legitimately all i can bring myself to fucking contribute to society at this point. the surest sign that the people around me are fucking saints is that theyve stuck around this fucking long but honestly i dont fucking undeerstand. i guess thats the whole point of shit like saints, you arent supposed to be able to understand, its superhuman compassion, even for those who dont fucking deserve it. or maybe its just because i fundamentally dont work. i dont have any sort of actual power when it comes to my life. these are the idle musings of a bewildered spectator, the one person who comes to the party, stays sober, and sits on the sidelines and watches the fucking idiocy unfold. except instead of drunkenly stumbling around and telling my friends how much i love them, im stone cold sober and sitting on the sidelines watching myself fail to take even the most basic fucking steps towards fixing literally any problem that im dealing with. broken. non functional. i dunno if i was born a failure, though. i think that might be giving myself a little too much credit. other people were dealt infinitely worse hands than i was and they turned out fucking wonderful. i know a couple of them. no, i think im the way i am because of me. i probably had all the chances i needed to become something resembling a human being, and instead im whatever i am now. how can i be excited about some sort of future for myself when i can barely manage a relatively privliged day to day existance? i have friends, im not starving, im in college, i have an apartment. im far from rich but im able to afford to go to college. that should be enough. why the fuck isnt that enmough. why cant i just be fucking satisfied why cant i muster some sort of positive fucking emotions why does joy last a few moments why can i do this so much easier than writing anything positive about my life why does this flow like it does like a fucking river why cant i stop my hands why why what the fuck why why am i like this why was i born why am i who i am it flows so easily it just comes out but i cant tell anyone and i cant rely on anyone because im not anyone in noone im the fucking nobody that people keep around them to make themselves feel better and the only reason i have the slightest bit of doubt about that is that i love my friends too much to ever accuse them of something like that but then again does it fucking count when its someone like me do i qualify as a fucking person does it count as hurting someone’s feelings or using them when that someone isn’t a someone is just an empty fucking shell that was only gifted with the capacity to retain HURT thats all i can fucking remember thats all that sticks with me HURT i cant fucking be rid of it and its not some sort of innate inherent biological failing its who i am as a person i did this to myself i do this to myself i dont know that i will ever stop doing this to myself. all i can hope for is that one day i gain the strrength the fucking self esteem and self respect to kill myself. maybe it isnt self respect i need for that but respect for my friends. its selfish to put them through me. the pain they’d feel from my death would last a short time if at all. it would be so much better than forcing them to know me for however long this failing fucking body will carry my empty shell of a spirit onwards thjrough a world that i dont deserve to fucking inhabit. my inner monologyue put on paper sounds like a fucking evanescence song and i hate myself for it so much jesus fucking christ. i fundamentally do not like myself. as a person. on any level. i do not like myself. i wouldnt be friends with me, and ironically i hate myself for that too. but who would? who the fuck would? why does anyone? do they? maybe thats my one fucking talent. convincing people im likable. worming my way into their fucking lives until they trust me only to realize that i am not a human being. im an empty shell, a fucking roomba of a person. i can tell when ive run into something and back up so i can run into it again. i cannot solve my own problems. i cannot even conceptualize them. im something below a human cursed with the fucking ability to think at the level of one. my ocd is really really desperately trying to get me to scroll up and fix all the spelling and grammar errors but i dont know if itll hurt more to ignore them or to have to read the dumb ashit i just wrote. earlier i said that i wanted this to flow less easily and here we are i guess. though earlier i meant it in the context of only being able to properly conceptualize negative feelings and never being abkle to hold onto anything piositive i feel, and that hasn’t been magically fixed or anything, im just having trouble feeling anything at all now. im a completely blank slate. i havent even cried once troday. i cant. i cant care about my own fucking inadequacy and failure as a very basic human being enough to even fucking cry. i cried about an anime a couple nuights ago. i can muster emotion for that. but as soon as i look inwards i dont see ahyuthing thEres NOTHING FUICKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM BROKEN I AM EMPTY I AM A {PLAGUE ON WHOEVER HAS THE PURE FUCKING MISFORTUNE TO BE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO TAKE PITY ON ME i dont want to die, even. too many steps, too much feeling, too much. i just want to stop. to end. i want to no longer be. ill lock tghat away with all the other things id love to happen but know never will. that ones at the forefront though. it always will be. until i grow the fucking compassion to put others out of my misery. my roomate just texted me an innocuous questiona nd i texte d bacjk normally emojis and all im normal dont you see everyone im normal nothings wrong with me. oh sure sometimes i have a bad day but im fine everybody IM FINE you aren’t you have to put up with me ill fucking worm my way into your life and convince you im a real human being you can hold a congersation with only to snatch the fucking rug out from under you as soon as you actually attempt to engage with me on any level and i just end up eiother hurting you or revealing accidently that there is no such thing as luna thats not a fucking person its a name assigned to a loose collections of disorders, bad habits, and a gaping emotional black hoile from which nothing can fucking escape, jammed into an ugly broken body thats going to kill me early and doesnt even compensate by making me hot. wHEE. and of course, unable to be happy with anything, i will simultaneously complain about my own impending death due to horrific nutrition, subastance abuse (just the fun kinds so people dont realize anything is wrong WHEEEE) and some fucky illness that ive now gone and stopped medicating because im a stupid worthless bitch, AND I WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS WHILE SIMULATENOUSLY WANTING TO DIE what do i want? who the fuck knows! not me! that’s a redundant statement, of course “me” doing know bercause thats not a thing im not a person! id love to blame it on my complete and total internal faliure as a person that i always end up hurting people, but honestly its probably because i dont put enough fucking effort in. even right now,. literally hours after a good friend of mine ostaroted feeling like shit in a way that is almost for sure my fucking fault, im doing THIS instead of trying to right the situation (to b fair she made a point of not inviting me but inviting the rest of the group?) or did she am i just reading into this? who knows! who the fuck knows! everyone but “me”! ejveryone else knows! becayuse its probably REALALLY FUCKING SIMPLE BUT NOOOOO I CANT EVEN MANAGE THAT CAN I I CANNNOT EVEN FUCKING MANMAGE TO MANAGE THAT CAN I thats too much for lil ol me! i am aggressively pointless! i am the single least important collection of fucking atoms on this planet! every last fucking rock i stepped on walking to and from the class that i skipped half of today is more important and has contribtued more to the grand scheme of things than i ever have or ever will, and thats jkust the inanimate fucking objects on the ground. lets not even get started on all the actual people whose time my existance waste, who i am a fucking affront to by sheer virtue of being in any way associated with them at any point in time ever. i guess this is it, this is what i get when my entire personlaity is a loosely cobbled together collection of self deprecating jokes and a fake ego, desperately attempting to patch over an interior that has holes in it less than it just is one giant fucking hole. i was, am, and will be nothing, not even enough to earn the use of “I” at the beginning of the sentence. dinner is in 15 minutes. my friends will be there. im paralyzed. i belive every word i wrote above so why

would i inflict myself upon them but i

i cant not

i so deeply want to

to go sit in uncharacteristic silence and hope somebnody notices and asks me whats up so i can give them a dumb, abridged, mostly fake version and get the sad pity looks and then feel bad about exploiting them and then

rinse

repeat

because i am not a person

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