#ive been writing it for a couple of days but im finally done

[ebdanon]

i have my last writing class ever with the professor i consider my mentor tomorrow night and i feel very weird about it

#im about to sound like a cupcake but idc #like ive had her for a class every semester since spring of my sophmore year and the way my life evolved since i met her is kinda wild #like that doesnt even have anything to do with her she was just there to witness it #and put up with my clown shit #if i ever get a novel published i wanna send her a copy and a note to thank her for believing in me #because she made me feel like i wasnt stupid when i was 19 and didnt have anyone #im sure i’ll see her around because im still living in the area after graduation but still #ugh #i just hope i get one of the jobs i applied for in the past couple days because they seem really good #like for my mental health #im so sick of writing shit i dont care about i wanna have time for that again #i also just want finals to be done im so so tired atp #like this has been one fuckass semester #bagel speaks

[ugly-pickle]

you will always come first ☆ ayato

CHARACTERS: ayato x gn!reader

SYNOPSIS: you start to think that he values his duties more than you… but you are proven wrong

GENRE: fluff 💿

W/C: 0.5k

C/W: kissing, physical touch, cussing, and if you squint your eyes you can see some neglect (if theres anything ive missed please let me know!)

A/N: i finished my scara angst at 4:30am… it is currently 7am and i have JUST voted on my own poll……… i have not slept yet. not proofread!

it’s been a while since youve went on a date, or at least do something romantic with ayato. i mean, you both have many duties, with your husband being the head of the kamisato clan, and you being his wife.

today, you both have your day off, but ayato still decides to do paperwork on his rest day, and his only break days comes in once a blue moon. youve been hinting at him, youve been sighing a little too loud and pointing out the lovely couples that come to the estate just to drop off MORE paperwork.

even after your attempts to try to let him know, he still doesnt get it! and now hes talking to an official so you cant even talk to him… youre sick and tired of how dense the head of the kamisato clan can be! it breaks your heart not being able to have some one on one time with your beloved.

you head to your shared bedroom, while walking there you see ayaka and thoma, “oh hello y/n,” says ayaka, “hello ayaka, hello thoma” you say, your tone being obviously depressed. “are you okay y/n?” thoma asks you with a worried face. “well… it’s been a while since ive been on a date with ayato and…” you look up to see ayaka giggling, “w-whats so funny?” youre a bit offended, youve just told the two about your troubles and now ayaka is giggling? “oh youll see,” thoma tells you before he walks away with ayaka.

what the fuck just happened. whats going on? maybe hes finally gonna take you out? “y/n?” you you jumped a bit at the sudden surprise, but you quickly regain your composure, “oh hi babe!” he puts a hand on your shoulder, “are you okay y/n? youve been acting strange all day, have i done something wrong?”

you feel guilty for making your beloved feel sad, “well, uhm… look ayato, it’s been ages since we been on a date together and i kinda feel like you forgot about…” you advert your eyes from his, he puts his fingers under your chin and lifts your head. "of course i didnt forget our anniversary, thats what i was planning all day, im sorry for not planning it earlier."

what.

oh shit, that was today? youve been so focused on going on a date with ayato that the thought of your anniversary was completely forgotten. ayato sees the slight panic in your eyes, "i dont need a gift, just being with you is the greatest present ive ever received." you feel a your shoulders relax but can still feel a tinge of guilt.

ayato presses a kiss on your temple and says "no matter if it's my day off or if im drowned in work, you will always come first my love."

A/N: all of my brain juices were out by the time i started writing this. very very cringe but i didnt know what to write ૮ ⸝⸝o̴̶̷᷄ ·̭ o̴̶̷̥᷅⸝⸝ ྀིა

@justaxiaosimp @mommykukki @xdrin @midnight-pluto @boomie-123 @scaramochies @dnsuhwr874y @hopefulceladon @yukinenikora @akusiapaakudimana @mai-yay @uhfhfhfhf @petitte-writer

#fluff #genshin impact x reader #genshin #genshin fluff #genshin impact #genshin x reader #pickle #ayato #kamisato ayato #ayato x reader #genshin ayato #ayato fluff #uglypickle #ugly-pickle

[untilwedont]

Sleep Well, Dear

I Love You Forever

Pairings: Ethan Landry x Male!Reader

Summary: In which reader falls asleep on Ethan after a long week of studying

Warnings: Mentions of not eating, reader being very sleep deprived, Ethan being a good boyfriend

A/N; Im sorry im writing so much ethan landry fics ive just been so obsessed with him lately 😭

It was finally edging towards the end of the first semester. This was great since your college gave you a break, but with the semester coming to an end came finals week. This was really important to you because you wanted to make sure you passed every class with a good grade. You decided it'd be a great idea to start studying two weeks before finals week, putting all your mental health needs behind you and your studying in front.

It was the first day of studying. You sat in the very back of the library so you wouldn't be so distracted from all the other noise by other people. You read the time on your phone '10:15 AM' You hoped you'd get at least a few hours of studying done before you called it a night. You made sure to tell your friends & your boyfriend where you were incase they wanted to study with you.

What was supposed to only be a few hours turned into wasting your whole day on studying. You checked your phone again, thinking maybe only a couple hours passed.

3 missed calls from 'Mi amor 💘"

1 missed call from 'TaRAAA'

3 messages from 'SAmmm'

'2:15 AM'

Your eyes widened, "Shit, how long have I been in here?" You mumbled before finally looking up from your phone, noticing that the library was empty. Your eyes had been so glued to your textbooks that you hadn't noticed everyone in the library left. You rubbed your hands on your face, your tiredness finally kicking in. "I'll just message them tomorrow, I'm sure their asleep." You thought to yourself before packing up your things and leaving.

'7:15 AM'

You were back in the library once again, disregarding the fact that you hadn't eaten a full breakfast. You only had a granola bar before leaving your dorm. You only got 5 hours of sleep last night but that wasn't important to you. "Okay, this time I'll only be in here for a few hours." you mumbled before opening your textbooks, diving right back into studying.

'9:07 AM'

You checked your phone and saw a message from Ethan asking if he wanted to hang out with he and Anika. You messaged him telling him you'd be able to hang out in a few hours and to just give you time to study a little longer. You gave him a time and he messaged you with a thumbs up emoji and you set your phone back on the table, gluing your eyes back onto the textbooks.

That time was supposed to be '3:00 PM' but when you looked at your phone once more, it read '9:10 PM' What the hell? How did time pass by so quickly? You quickly packed your things and left back to Ethan's dorm, knowing he'd still be awake.

You knocked on the door, Chad being the one to answer it instead of Ethan. "Hey um, is Ethan still awake?" You asked the tall figure in front of you. "Oh, yeah he's still awake. He's in his room. I think he might be a little bummed but not sure why." Chad told you and you nodded, walking into the dorm. You knocked on Ethan's door before walking inside. "Hey, Eth? You awake?" You asked as you opened his door. You saw him sitting on his bed with his phone in his hand, the Tv being the only thing that casted light.

He looked up from his phone and immediately got up after he saw you. "M/N, where were you? I thought you said we'd meet at 3?" He asked before putting his arms around you, pulling you in for a hug. "Sorry, I just got caught up in studying. I didn't expect time to pass by so quickly, honestly." He pulled away from the hug before studying your face.

"Have you been getting enough sleep?" He asked, examining the slight bags under your eyes that you hadn't realized you had. "Of course, why?" He shook his head, "Uh- no reason, just asking.." You nodded before kissing him on his lips, "Okay, well I'm gonna go get some sleep. I'll hang out with you tomorrow, okay?" You spoke, holding both his hands in yours. He nodded, "Okay, go get some sleep. I love you." He smiled at you before placing a kiss on your nose. "I love you too." You laughed before leaving the dorm, going back to yours.

A couple days had passed and your sleep schedule was getting much worse. You were hardly eating and the most sleep you got was 2-3 hours. Eyebags developed under your eyes and your friends started to become worried about you. You spent most of your day in the Library instead of with your friends. You spent some of your time crying in the library, your mental health getting worse.

Your boyfriend finally had enough of your sleepless nights and decided that if you weren't gonna let yourself sleep then he'd have to force you. He went to the library to find you since that was most likely the place you'd be at. He ran up to you when he saw you, closing your textbooks. This startled you, causing you to immediately look up, relieved to see your boyfriend. "Eth, what're you doing here? You stared the shit out of me. Also, what time is it?" You asked, checking your phone.

'11:37'

"It's time for you to get some proper rest. Pack your things and get up, we're going to my dorm." He told you, helping you put away. "Wait, what? But-" Ethan cut you off, "No but's, M/N. You haven't been getting any sleep. Also, when was the last time you ate a proper meal?" He asked you, very concerned for your mental health. It took you a second to think, "Maybe.. a week ago? I've been living off of granola bars." You told him, not realizing how much you'd been starving yourself. His eyes widened for a sec before pulling you out of your seat. "Alright, I'm gonna get you something to eat before we head back to my dorm. What do you want, hm? Mcdonald's? Pizza?"

An hour passed and you were finally back at Ethan's dorm. You finally had a full stomach instead of having a half-empty stomach throughout the week. Ethan pulled you towards his room and laid out a pair of warm clothes for you. You put them on before laying down on his chest, wrapping your arms around his waist. He wrapped his around yours as well, "You aren't getting up until you've gotten more than 6 hours of sleep, okay?" You mumbled back a 'okay' before closing your eyes, falling asleep within an instant.

Sometime had passed and you were still knocked out. Ethan had been up for a little, admiring your sleeping face, slowly scratching your back. He was interrupted from his door opening. He looked up to see Chad, and before he was about to speak, Ethan softly spoke to to him, "This is the most sleep he's gotten in weeks. If you wake him up I will kill you. Literally." Chad put his hands up in defense before walking out his room, softly closing the door.

Ethan smiled before turning his attention back to you. You seemed so peaceful in your sleep. He softly kissed your head before closing his eyes, falling asleep once again.

#malereader #male!reader #male reader #ethan landry x male reader #scream x male reader #jack champion x male reader #gay #scream x reader #ethan landry x reader #jack champion x reader #ethan landry imagine

[runningthroughthegarden]

Hi how are you ❤️? You write amazingly well <3

I was wondering, if you take requests, if you could write a Jack/Ethan fic inspired by "You're Losing Me" by Taylor Swift. (You can decide the ending, line sad or not)

Thanks you 💕

thank you!! yall love being heartbroken, me too!! requests are open, i love doing them :)

-

you and jack had been dating for a year when he got offered a role in scream vi. you were more than excited for him, even though it meant you would be spending a lot of time apart. you both decided you would do everything in your power to make it work, but lately that was proving to be easier said than done. the last couple of days you could barely get in touch with him. whenever he did reply it was small or dry remarks. you felt lonely in the apartment you once shared. sitting, staring at the walls that were once filled with laughter and love. feeling your phone buzz you are quick to check the notification. 

“hey babe sorry ive had a long day on set” 

“jack we havent talked in days. i don't understand” 

“i know you don't. listen i’ll call you tomorrow” 

crashing on your bed, tears begin to dwell in your eyes.

you say, "I don't understand" and I say, "I know you don't"

we thought a cure would come through in time, now, I fear it won't

remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light

now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time

pacing your room with your phone up to your ear you begin to grow anxious. jack broke his empty promise and didn’t call you. so now here you were, trying to piece it back together. as the ringing stops, a smile is cast across your face. 

“jack!! hey, i miss you”

“hey what did you want”

“well you said you were gonna call and i just wanted to check up on you” 

“im a little busy right now” 

“oh okay maybe we can call again later” 

a deep sigh is his only response. 

“is everything okay?” 

“no everythings not okay! i cant get anything done when youre bothering me all day. im working and all you want to do is talk about your day. im sorry but i really don't care right now”

“oh okay. i’ll let you go” 

throwing your phone onto your bed, you break down in sobs. 

do I throw out everything we built or keep it?

i'm getting tired even for a phoenix

always risin' from the ashes

mendin' all her gashes

you might just have dealt the final blow

you spent the evening on your bed, shaking with tears streaming down your eyes. you could only thing about how good things used to be. when you had a boyfriend who absolutely adored you. now it seemed like you had no one at all. your heart was racing a million hours per hour and yet you felt absolutely nothing. 

stop, you're losing me

i can't find a pulse

my heart won't start anymore... for you

'cause you're losing me

after that night, that call, you made it a point to stay out of jacks way. he would facetime you every now and then. while he got his hair done, goofing around on set, or just in his trailer. none of these times did he seem to notice that none of your smiles reached your eyes. your replies were empty and solemn. you were happy to see him so excited but apart of you hated him for not realizing what he had done. for not realizing how deep his words had truly affected you. 

“hey you okay” 

biting your nails behind the screen 

“lately not really” you honestly replied. 

“hang on mason's gotta tell me something. i’ll call you later. love you."

every mornin' I glared at you with storms in my eyes

how can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?

i sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick

my face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick

your surprised to hear a knock at your door. you open it to reveal your curly headed boyfriend. he had stopped responding to you completely a few days ago, so saying you were shocked to see him was an understatement. tired of being the only one trying to keep the relationship afloat, you let out your frustration. 

“what are you doing here jack” 

“hey i just wanted to check up on you, i have a few days off” 

he brings you into a hug, but you stay stiff below him. 

“whats wrong?” he asks, picking up on your mood. 

“you ignore me for days and expect me to be excited to see you?” 

“ive been busy you know that” 

“jack we barely talk anymore. and when we do you blow me off in the first 5 minutes. hell you even told me to stop talking to you.” you explain, tears filling your eyes. 

“look im sorry, the movies just been taking up all my time."

“and the movies more important than me right?” you say barely above a whisper.

“no but this is my job, my life” 

“then maybe you should only worry about yourself” finally looking into his eyes.

“what are you trying to say” 

“im saying we’re done jack. i cant keep putting myself through hell only for you not to give a shit” 

“no c'mon we can make this work.”

“yeah thats what you said last time. please jack im going to ruin myself if this keeps happening.” 

you both are a crying mess at this point. 

not saying another word, jack leaves. 

and the air is thick with loss and indecision

i know my pain is such an imposition

now, you're running down the hallway

and you know what they all say

"you don't know what you got until it's gone"

the next morning you find a letter left at your front door. 

my love, 

i'm sorry. for absolutely everything. i love you endlessly. when the stars realign, i’ll be there. but for now, be with someone who can give you everything i couldn't. 

-jack

stop, you're losing me

i can't find a pulse

my heart won't start anymore... for you

'cause you're losing me

stop 'cause you're losing me

crumpling up the paper you begin to cry. 

i gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy

and all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier

fighting in only your army, frontlines, don't you ignore me

giving up so much of yourself, you were absolutely exhausted. the beautiful relationship you once had is now behind you. 

you're losing me

stop, you're losing me

i can't find a pulse, my heart won't start anymore

giving up the fight, you were at rest. 

#jack champion #jack champion x reader #jack champion x y/n #scream vi #taylor swift

[klapollo]

my health insurance expires a week from tomorrow. my last severance check is tuesday. i've been applying for jobs for over a month and all i've gotten so far is two interviews, one of which rejected me in the first round and the other ghosted me despite implying i was going to go to the second and asking me if the salary fit me. ive applied to literally hundreds of jobs and ive mostly gotten automated rejections at 2 am or on sunday morning bc a machine is systemically weeding me out based on arbitrary parameters. half these jobs seem to just be fake, reposted in a cycle -- i see the same jobs i applied for a month ago, which received hundreds if not thousands of applicants, go right back up to collect more data and hire no one.

it really hurts. doing all this work, writing all these letters, spending hours editing my resume and portfolio and linkedin over and over hoping it'll do the job. it hurts knowing i'm perfectly qualified for these jobs and would get plenty of interviews if i wasnt being bounced at the door by a machine that might not even be reading my resume right. it hurts knowing ive worked so hard and done a lot of objectively huge work in my field before i even hit 30 and people wont even give me the time of day. i made big internal and monetary impacts at my last job despite being a midlevel tiny cog in a huge company. i accomplished so much, i was always praised for being a great employee and team player. none of it matters.

i know this is how it goes -- all my friends and family who have been job searching right now tell me that they got endless rejection and then finally their job came randomly. and im not scared of it taking a couple months, i'm scared of it NEVER ending. i'm surrounded by people desperate to work and no one wants to hire. i'm having panic attacks. it's so fucking awful and i'm terrified.

#i hate venting on main i just feel hopeless

[thedoover-if]

What is the extent of MCs injuries, we they bedridden? And if so for how long? Are we using crutches? Were they on the brink of death?? 😲😱

How is your writing coming along? When do you feel the demo will be out?

oh no haha they had a minor concussion!! so nothing terrible thankfully

im at 20,000 right now and removing/adding things. the chapter is fully outlined though so its just about finding time. (im very busy this week so i dont imagine ill get much done but this very much has my full focus!!)

ive actually had a major breakthrough a couple of days ago with coding and the ro routes which has been making my head hurt a lot LOL but i think ive finally figured it out woohooo

i do have a personal goal!! i wanna release the chapter as one but well see how long itll be by the end, and then ill make a decision based on that. for now, im not gonna give a date cause thatll just stress me out haha (i will let you know when im close though!!!!)

#inbox <3

[lonely-lighthouse-keeper]

JOURNAL OF THE LIGHTHOUSE STATION AT CACHALOT COVE

[[ log 16 ]]

~Partly Cloudy Conditions All Day~

~Wind Speeds Up to 12 km/h~

Time of writing this log is 2145

Duties done at the station:

𓇼 Winding of the Clockworks

𓇼 Gardening

ive been slowly studying the books mrs. osslik lended me and i think im gettin to understand this.

𓇼 Fog Watch

with it being colder earlier, i decided to do this just in case

𓇼 Mail Check

i got a letter from this gilbert ive been expecting! they tell me that all of their documents are "in check" and now we wait for them to get a "visa". i have no clue what that is, but mrs. osslik tells me its to let people into the country... so kind of like a peace treaty between two seas and the residents are able to freely travel between the two.

Today started off colder than usually in the recent days, so I had the chance to practice how to make Mrs. Chatham's tea drink. I invited her and Ms. Santos over and we began sharing stories of the weather phenomena all of us have gone through in the past. Mrs. Chatham has gone through multiple lunar eclipses, as well as 2 planetary alignments. Ms. Santos has aparently gone through a couple peculiar sea storms, as well as 1 planetary alignment and many lunar eclipses as well. They are lucky to see both, as I've only seen one solar eclipse, however I stay hopeful.

I finally had enough time to also take a night swim!! It was very much needed after basically a week of being on land. The feeling of diving under the surface and infinitly floating in suspense was just indescribable and I cannot wait to do more in these next few days.

May the Seas Guide You~~

#lighthousecore #sirencore #piratecore #siren aesthetic #lighthouse aesthetic #mermaid aesthetic #lighthouse #lighthouse keeper #ocean #oceancore #nautical #nauticalcore #seacore #ocean aesthetic #goblincore #coastal #cachalotcove #keeperslogbook

[avelera]

ive been enjoying giving sanctuary so much, but i cant help but wonder, will you go back to write more of "come live with me and be my love" once its done? i dont want to seem like im asking like "whens the new chapter!!!" bc i rly dont mean it that way i just really love the expansive queerness & am patiently hoping for more, if you're still willing

Yes yes yes! I fully intend to and indeed, after this arc of Giving Sanctuary is complete I'm pretty sure I'll be DYING to get back to a bit of low-stakes Regency romcom fun! CLWM and even This Rough Magic are in NO WAY abandoned. It's just that neither of those have even a final CHAPTER NUMBER yet whereas with Giving Sanctuary we are like... 1.2 arcs (6-8 chapters??) and maybe a couple standalone one-shots away from the completion of that story and I'm not gonna lie, that really lit a fire under me when I can see the finish line.

The good news is, in the course of writing Giving Sanctuary I really feel like I grew as an author especially when it comes to writing ARCS, like, mini-arcs, instead of one gigantic plot. That skill is going to be soooo valuable going back to Come Live With Me, which, people might have noticed, is still at like Day 3 out of 365 because I kept having new ideas for the next scene and the next that would come right after it, and obviously that's just not sustainable for 365 days! So I think being able to take that experience from making discrete, self-contained but nevertheless building arcs like Naxos and the Endless Family Dinner and say things like "This is the Big Event of Month 2, this is the Big Event of Month 3, and we're going to skip forward between those events" will be a HUGE help in getting some forward momentum there.

THOUGH, I don't regret how methodically CLWM has gone through this first week, since naturally, that's where all the NEW experiences are, like Dream working in the shop, or Hob being introduced to Dreaming sex lol, those are new experiences I wouldn't want to just skip over, but now that they're established, I can say things like "And then they worked in the shop for a week, had a ton of crazy Dreaming sex, and now here we are a month later when The Next Big Thing happened", for example, and you all won't feel cheated like "Wait, I would have wanted to see those things the first time!" lol (I mean, I'm sure people would but at a certain point, these two would reach something of a routine).

#arranged marriage au dreamling #maggie's writing progress #occultist hob fic #1689 fic

[sixosix]

ok hi im BACK. i may have been procrastinating reading ur thawed series (like a total loser?? how did i procrastinate that) but now that i finally did it i am so infatuated ?!?!?!? i fucking love how badass the reader is and i loved her silly little friendship with lynette and fremi (and lyney too, no matter how much they denied its existence (('its' like the friendship. not lyney. love him)). ever since i started genshining (crowd boos) ive been obsessed with polearms .. theyre just so ??? aghmakdmf ?? ? they feel like water. flowey. like. yk. rivers (woah high class poet here watch out). i think theyre not as restricting as swords, bows, etc. honestly, a polearm is like .. a sword and bow in one. a sword bc. swoosh, kachow, yk? but a bow if you're bold. like, imagine throwing ur polearm like its some fucking arrow. sick as FUCK!! it would just be embarrassing to walk to ur (hopefully) dead enemy to pick it back up like 'ooh. that may have been dramatic u guys. mb.' also i. im wondering if i missed something while reading bc the knave just let the reader go?? like that?? nuh uh. i dont believe that. shes definitely keeping an eye out on her, making sure no fatui secrets get out .. i think im more excited abt the probability of an encounter between reader and arlecchino than one with the siblings fdjfidj. readers fight or flight goes crazy, and i dont think neither of those are really an option against a fatui harbringer, especially one that watched you train for most of your life.. probably knows everything about you, too ... yeuugh. i love the thawed series, and im really looking forward to seeing more of it!!! its really well done, i was giggling and kicking my feet while reading. im probably gonna reread it a couple times so if u see any of my crazy ass asks rambling, theorizing, and whatnot (just like this one), dont mind them ^__^

TAKE CARE!!!!

hi oh my gosh it was such a joy to wake up to a long ask THIS MADE MY DAY WAAHH AND ITS JUST STARTED TOO

THANK YOU reader’s personality was one of my favorite parts to write in the series especially after a lightbulb moment where i was like. I’m going to make reader have a cryo vision.

LMFAOO yes I LOVE THE SIBLINGS SO MUCH i knew i was eventually going to make sure you guys know how much i love their dynamic. (you implying i wouldve thought of lyney as an ‘it’ LMFAOO HELPP)

I KNOW WHAT U MEAN!!!! polearms are just the COOLEST weapon. i made a poll a while back asking my readers to see what kind of weapon they want and catalyst won. but at the time i was playing xiao (duh) and i watched this cool fan animation from the genshin anniversary (i dont know if you know it; it had a part two. it was basically about albedo? and the part two had albedo, klee, scara, and raiden. AND RAIDEN!! did this very cool fight scene with a polearm and it BLEW MY MIND! it looked exactly as you described it. water flowey. Rivers. AND SHE ALSO THREW IT!!! i was like. Okay. i have to make this the weapon.)

hehe i dont want to say anything about the arlecchino’s stance on reader leaving but i will say i’m glad to know that you know her well.

im so so glad that u like my series!!! honestly i say it a lot but i didnt expect it to get this much support so each ask like this really makes me feel so blessed T__T and of course i dont mind!!! are you kidding!! it was really really fun to go through your thought process

#TAKE CARE!!!! #thank you so much for the ask genuinely #this was a joy to read #606:inbox #606: plasmacan #<3 #im ugly crying bc of this ask #in a good way

[red-dye40]

it’s my fic’s birthday n i just want to take a mome to reflect on this past year of writing my cringe jthm fic because no joke it has been one of the most therapeutic and rewarding things ive ever done for myself so im gonna spill my guts under the cut here in case ur into that sorta thing

no joke i started writing ancillary auxiliary (obvs under a different much dumber name) when i was THIRTEEN. i was perpetually very very scared of and confused by my psychosis—i saw and heard things constantly that no one else did, and no one could explain that to me, which was obviously very isolating and frustrating. jthm made me feel rly normal (like not alone??) and this fic was a way for me to explore and dissect all these things i was processing and experiencing and repressing. i abandoned it like right away because i was a young teen with undiagnosed adhd but im sure it’s still kickin around on deviantart somewhere.

i have struggled w a lot through my years—addiction n subsequent withdrawal, hallucinating nonstop, uhhhh Being Trans In Society, willingly choosing to be an actor bc i am literally insane—and i felt like my brain was only getting sicker, because i never prioritized my health! none of it! but especially not my mental health!

in the isolation of quarantine a couple years ago i had like sooooooo many psychotic episodes, and eventually i admitted myself to a psych ward bc i was so scared and i just wanted to get better finally!

and i did get better! eventually!

it took a lot of hard work, and i was in outpatient for what felt like forever, and i was going to therapy twice a week and trying a bunch of meds and also just experimenting w hormones bc why not. i stopped making art (which truly truly was sometimes the only thing in my life that brought me joy) because the shit i was making was so scary, i just didn’t want to subject myself to that.

eventually i got myself a really amazing job, literally a dream job of mine, and things fell into place, and my job was my whole personality for a while. idk when it happened but sometime last summer i suddenly felt myself really wanting to read jthm again ?? i guess as i was reflecting on all my trauma, and how i used to cope w it as a kid?? but i reread director’s cut and it truly felt like someone unclogged a drain in my head and all this new inspiration and like LOVE for my past self and xir interests just rushed in and it was so exciting!!!!

and i remembered this fic i had started so long ago, and how proud i was of the concept, and i started writing it in my notes app and it got bigger and bigger and i found a little corner on instagram of ppl who liked it (thank u to those of u who are still here rn!!!!! if ur reading this ilysm) and now it’s this! and i love it!

it might just be super self indulgent at the end of the day idk but! i love everything that has come from this fic (and Other Fics i have written 👁️) and i am so grateful to all of u who have read ancaux and enjoyed it and reblogged and left comments like :) thank u so much

there are three (maybe four?) chapters left i literally didn’t anticipate this to go on for so long and i have no idea when it will end but im excited :) and i hope you’ll stick around :) the ending is rly good i think

LOVE U ALL THANKS

#ancaux #happy birthday dorter #thank u all for being so sweet im kissing u all unless u don’t want that #in that case i am nodding respectfully at u

[newvegascowboy]

so ive been going through the reblog webs added to posts since yesterday evening, and coupled with some previous math i've done, I find it really curious that the reblog to like ratio seems to sit at about 1:3 pretty consistently. and let me preface by saying i am not scolding anyone for the ratios of rbs to likes. this is math purely for my own amusement.

I would also like to say: don't base your value as an artist or writer on notecount! do not put more personal emphasis on your notecount or engagement than is absolutely necessary! I am doing this experiment out of curiosity to see where my averages lie. If doing this same experiment is going to put you in a slump, don't do it.

The math I'm going to do here is pretty easy -- I'm just going to divide reblogs by total number of notes in order to find the percentage of reblogs : likes.

So now lets look at some of my rb/like averages!

at the time of writing this, this post has a total of 811 notes with 239 of them being reblogs. 239/811 = .29 or 29%. Easy math.

this one is 253 -> 73 rbs which gives us .28 or 28%. You're getting my roll here.

here has a ratio of 33%. pretty good!

lets get some diversity in here! i dont post solely fallout after all.

this one is 326 -> 93 rbs. 28%.

this hellboy bust has a reblog ratio of 25%.

if i scroll waaay back to one of my most popular posts, the ratio is 1172/313 -> 26%.

Even further back to my most popular art post ever, the ratio is 1686/490 -> 41%.

the average percentage for ALL my art based on these numbers is a solid 30%

so that's good for art. lets check out the ratio of text posts, since text posts seem to have a lot more notes than art posts on tumblr nowadays - lets see if numbers back us up.

this is my most popular text post ever, with a reblog ratio of 44%.

another decently popular text post (for me anyway) with a reblog ratio of 46%!

this one sits at 42%.

this sits at 32%

and this sits the lowest at 29%

averages out to 38%

finally - fics!

im going to be pretty selective here and take from fics and snippets i've written that have a decent handful of notes, just so i can get a better assessment of the ratios. All of these fics have over 20 notes

here -> 23%

here -> 17%

here -> 12%

here -> 14%

this one has the highest ratio at 31%

averages to 19%

so what does this mean?

i mean, basically nothing. all it does is give us hard numbers (at least in my case). I'm a decently popular blog and I have a decent number of followers, but at the end of the day, I am a fallout blog and I post mainly fallout content - and that's pretty niche. Take all this data with a grain of salt. I have no idea how someone else's numbers would compare to mine.

It seems to hold true that text posts do consistently better in terms of engagement, albeit, not really by that much. None of the ratios I looked at were even near 50%. Engagement for fics was the lowest, as I anticipated.

I'm not really an analyst and I don't have the knowhow (or even ability, since I'm not really on any other social media platform) to run this experiment elsewhere. I don't actually know What It Means beyond the fact that tumblr has just shifted a bit further towards being a meme website, rather than a website on which to post art, gifs, or fics. Again -- none of this is done with the intention of likeshaming. Personally, I don't care.

It's been a long running issue within the community, and no amount of likeshaming or yelling is really going to make that change. People are going to reblog if they want to and they won't reblog if they don't it's that easy. As a person who runs a fandom blog, I really can't imagine not reblogging, because well... then I wouldn't have anything to post. But there are any number of reasons why someone choses to like instead of reblog, and at the end of the day, other people out there have explained it better than I can.

#not fallout #kal talks #tumblr #i have literally no idea how to tag this idk fuckin. data analysis

[hikari-ni-naritai]

primeeeeeenumb

ive made it home and watched some anime (literally only one show has come out since yesterday despite me watching like 18 of them) so i can finally work on these

2. Favorite color when you were younger, and now?

yellow when i was younger, now i think it'd be sky blue

3. Do you wear eye-shadow? What color?

nah makeup isnt my thing

5. In your opinion, is love at first sight real?

definitely not im wayyy way way too demi for that.

7. First kiss details? (If you haven’t been kissed, reply how and if you would like to be.)

if you mean my first actual kiss on the lips by any definition, it would be when i was like in middle school and i somehow blanked on how my grandma normally kissed me goodbye and my brain was like 'it was lips right? probably lips'. it was not lips.

my actual first kiss with someone outside of family was with my 2nd girlfriend (the one i was engaged to for several years) i stopped her in my parents garage on our way to my car and kissed her. this was notably like, what, several weeks after we started dating? i did not move very quickly.

11. What is your hair like?

dirty :( i need a shower. but it's brown, thin, slightly wavy, mid-back length? so many split ends. usually tied and over my shoulder like a dead anime mom. really need to get some kinda bangs situation going on so i dont look like shit when i do this but eh. the nurse said it was healthy.

13. What time do you go to bed? What time do you wake up?

usually around noon, and wake up around 7pm. but im diurnal for now so i dont know what my schedule will be.

17. Favorite game as a child?

hmm. when i was in boy scouts we would spend like 30 minutes of every weekly meeting playing Dark Hide & Seek in the church basement we were using. it was a really good location for it, the goal was at the end of a hallway so there was only one way to get there, and there were rooms branching off it, including an open kitchen with an island for circling maneuvers, and at the far end was a big open room with some other rooms inside. provided a lot of variety despite the ostensibly simple layout. mike broke his nose once. its still crooked. good times!

19. Princess, Fairy, Mermaid, or Unicorn?

like, what id like to be? of these, fairy. id like to fly and do magic.

23. Do you dance? Slow dance?

definitely not regular dance. i would slow dance with a girl if pressed and have before. but not any dances done like, For Fun. bc they are not fun for emily

29. When and who was your first crush?

the cute redhead from my class when i was in 8th grade. 2 days prior i had no interest in romance. the next day i was like 'hmm well theres a couple girls i would be ok with dating'. and then i woke up the next morning and spent the whole day in an impenetrable haze of rapidly mounting obsession as my parents drove me and my brother to the pro football hall of fame and back. and i was a complete lost cause for the next couple of years despite being rejected almost immediately. it was a saturday and i'd planned to keep it to myself, but by tuesday i'd confessed (in writing, because i have never in my life had the guts to do it verbally) and been summarily dismissed. ive never been good at handling emotions, it turns out.

31. Are you superstitious?

nah

37. Are you quiet or loud?

usually quiet. i can get carried away though

41. Worst fear as a kid?

bees probably

43. does not exist!

47. Do you feel everything, nothing, or you don’t know what to feel?

i feel some things!

[valewright67]

Are you okay?

Hello.

I'm a little stressed?

It's kinda stupid, honestly.

I start school on Monday, right? And it's my first year in college, I'm doing deaf studies and interpreting for ASL. I thought it would be good to learn asl, since I struggle to hear anyways.

Also, my therapist thinks I have autism? We're not gonna try to get a diagnoses, because that could very well be upwards of 5k, and I don't have that to throw around, yknow? But he strongly suspects, and I don't know what to do about that.

I have classes Monday and Wednesday in person, plus homework. Tuesday is my allotted online day, PLUS the one day with a flexible schedule I'll have to run any errands I may need to do. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I'm WORKING, 8 to 4. After that is any other homework I need to get done, plus all my household chores, and maybe some smaller errands, like shopping.

On top of that, my partner just like. Doesn't respond? We had plans today and tomorrow we made a couple weeks ago and I was trying to confirm and it's been EIGHT HOURS, and no response. I try to be patient, but this is a regular thing. I get he stays up most of the night and sleeps the day away, but it's 8:15 pm and NOTHING. He finally responds at 8:30 saying his phone is on the fritz and he got around it by connecting his number to his laptop. Which I can understand but I was half ready for HOURS. He couldn't have checked in earlier??

I'm not gonna HAVE any time off, I'm not gonna HAVE a day. And that in off itself stresses me out! Between school and work and homework and errands and chores, I'm either going to have time for sleep or a personal time. I can alternate between those well enough, I'm 18, almost 19, and I've got enough stamina to give up on sleep a couple nights a week. I won't be especially energetic, but I'll be able to function.

And I've been trying so hard to just WRITE, because I'm RUNNING OUT OF TIME. I've got ideas, LOADS of ideas, I'm up to the BRIM with them! And I'm not gonna have any time to write, this is my last chance, but I just CANT?

And you've sent me asks, I've seen them, I've thought about them, ive got stories, and then they just rot in my inbox, because I can't even START them. And do you know how many blurbs and thoughts and COMPLETELY FORMED STORIES I just need to actually WRITE? Like the Tristan reblog, do you know how much I want to add to that, but I can't pump anything out? I've got this great idea for the "by the way your best friends your mother" reveal. And I've got a big bro zel au I'm so PROUD of, and I want to share it with @demonprincezeldris but I've only got one section written, which I submitted WEEKS AGO AND WAS RESPONDED TO ALREADY. It was supposed to be a three part, and I've got the whole plot there, spent ages muling it over and hammering out every detail.

Then there's what I've got on A03. Did you know there's someone who thought I stopped writing Vorago because I didn't like their idea? That's not it at all! I LOVED their idea! But I couldn't even respond to their COMMENT, because what do I say?? "No, I stopped writing after you gave me this idea because I'm paralyzed staring at Google docs." And it was months ago, anyways! And I've got a bunch of others there that people want more of!

And I just. Can't. Write. No matter how hard I try. What I actually manage to force out is jilted and cringy and awful, and I will absolutely not publish that. It's almost worse than my WATTPAD ERA!

Almost. Those were dark days.

Im just so frustrated, because I'm OUT OF TIME, and I. Did. NOTHING. I'm not gonna have any time to write, even if I can, I'm not gonna have any time for a social life - that I barely had anyways - im not gonna have time for myself, im barely gonna have time to SLEEP. I feel like wasted what I had left.

Is this what it feels like to be an adult? I don't like it. I wanna be a kid again.

#rant #sorry in advance #vent #TW: emotions #writers block maybe? is that what this is? #adulting sucks.

[they-didnt-let-me-use-cyrillic]

ive been in a sort of slump for the last couple of days (went home to my parents and its never good for my productivity), but today i managed to squeeze out some text for the final paper (it was painful). i’m starting to become a bit panicked because i have to present the paper on the 16th and nothing is done (moreover, i would love for my advisor to look through the text before i have to present this shite which means that i have to be done like right now). but i literally dont know what to write so its not going too well... im sure ill pull through but currently im driving a huge struggle bus and annoying the hell out of my friends with my anxiety :)

[khodorkovskaya]

28.04.23

a lot of things have been on my mind lately but i haven't had the time to sit down and write. but i made a list in my notes app:

B in general

balkans = bisexuality

event in lausanne

ice skating summer camp

to be honest now i don't remember what every point was about but let's try...

1. i had a dream about B the other day where i bumped into him on the street and he was like "leave me alone, let me go, stop following me". and yeah it really made me think. not really think, but feel. i woke up with a lot of feelings.

on monday i was ovulating. my coochie wouldn't leave me alone the whole day. i started fantasising about the hot quantum mechanics assistant, then i moved onto thinking about my friend... and it was fun bc i finally came up with a scenario about my friend that wasn't boring. so i was like alright, when i get home im finally gonna be able to touch myself and not think about B, this is gonna be great. and then! big surprise! i thought about him again and cried! im so tired of it! when am i gonna be free from this curse of crying when i masturbate???? like it's so frustrating! i just want to think about something completely unrealistic and silly about the quantum mechanics assistant or my friend or some hot celebrity or whoever else. but noooooo! and i feel the need to gain control over my sexuality because i can't associate sex with B for the rest of my life. i need to think about other people and move on. but it's like a reflex at this point. every time i touch myself my coochie is like "DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IN LOVE YOU WERE? YEAH, YOU WERE SO IN LOVE. LET ME REMIND YOU HOW IN LOVE YOU WERE HAHAAAA YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE YOU PATHETIC BITCH"

i think the thing i miss about my relationship with B is not B himself. but the innocence i had during that time. like oh im done with my homework, i have nothing else planned for the day, let's go for a 3 hour walk in the countryside and talk about nothing. and now im always busy and i never go for walks anymore.

it's his birthday today. and i don't know if it's masochism or stupidity or a secret third thing. but i wished him a happy birthday. and when he replied with "Thank you Y/N." i wanted to throw up.

2. ive been listening to lepa brena a lot. because just like with my sexuality im trying to reclaim things that were mine to begin with. when we broke up i deleted all songs off my phone to not think about him. but i can't let him stop me from enjoying my favourite songs, they were always MY favourite songs, not his.

and listening to lepa brena made me think of not only our sarajevo trip in 2019 but also montenegro, my father, all those shenanigans. and it made me feel things. so again i was like, why am i doing this to myself. to hell with the balkans, i'll never go there again!

and it's weird bc i always have this train of thought when it comes to my bisexuality too. like it's a part of me that i just can't make peace with no matter how hard i try. im always like fuck this, im straight, let's ignore everything else. to hell with the wlw manifesto and all that shit, it doesn't concern me, i live in the now and it's not a problem so let's ignore it. and it always comes back to bite me in the ass! like i just can't be straight, i know it! i can pretend all i want but it's there! and same with the balkans. how many times have i told myself "im never going there again" or "it's just a place where my father lives, it doesn't concern me, i don't care". but i can't escape it. and here i am wanting to breathe in the fresh mountain air again and drink a coffee on the terrasse and feel this pinching pins-and-needles-like pain in my chest. and i can't get enough of it.

(this section ends here but i wanted to add a couple more things bc i just went for a walk to the corner store to get chocolate cake and thought about it. you know how your nose and throat feel when you've just caught a cold? like you're not sick yet, but you can feel the cold coming. and your throat is kinda itchy and you just KNOW that you're gonna have a fever tomorrow. well that's the feeling im talking about but imagine it in your chest. like it feels like pins-and-needles and there's this pinching feeling similar to when you're trying to hold back tears. and every time im nostalgic about something or i miss something that's what i feel. and that's also what i feel 24/7 when im in the balkans. i remember our first night in sarajevo and it was already dark out and i stood on the balcony of his flat and there was a girl singing "lazes zlaso lazes duso" in the bar on the opposite side of the street. and i had that feeling again. and i was like the guy in the sickos comic standing there like "yes ahaha yes!!!". anyway, just something i wanted to mention.)

3. so we went to this event in lausanne on tuesday and to another event today and goddd.... im just becoming more and more of a bitch. because im so sick of these greenwashing pseudosustainable entrepreneur bitches. fucking hypocrites. for people who've never touched grass in their entire lives, they sure claim to know a lot about nature.

4. so remember the poll i posted a couple of days ago? well, ive been dreaming about going to skating summer camp and i briefly mentioned it to my student when we went to buy ice skates in lausanne together. and... he sent me 1000 chf. i was shocked! so yeah im going to figure skating summer camp ahhhh im so excited!!!!!! so it's gonna be me, him and his wife. and i'll see if my bestie wants to come too. it's gonna be so epic oh my god!

so it's in july and it's gonna be 2 hours of skating plus 1 hour of gym every day + sporty activities throughout the whole day + extra private skating and choreography lessons if you want. and it's gonna be in this beautiful place in the mountains! my student's parents have a chalet there so he said we can sleep there if we don't want to sleep in the dormitories. im so excited you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#april

[rexaleph]

welcome to my twisted mind, im abt to be so annoying abt my gay little notebooks & also sigma grindset

bought a leuchtturm notebook for almost a week's grocery money bc i wanted a separate planner for work. (I found myself expanding my scratch-pad & phone to do lists into like weekly plans so i felt like doing that more purposefully in the moment instead of reconstructing work plans in my at-home planner would help me out)

however, the things i want from it i feel like sth i could have achieved w an A4 notebook from the supermarket stationary aisle lmao. finally becoming the kinda person i secretly looked down on for like the 5 years since i started doing bullet journal-adjacent organizing, the type who buys an expensive planner to crack open on january 1st (instead of starting in the middle of the week in a random notebook you already have and not allowing yourself to use a highlighter until youve proven you can keep the journal for a couple months. Like a smart and normal person would)

Anyway ive used it since wednesday & as an object rly like it, never had a dot grid journal before (decadent), the B5 format is superior for my purposes, tho i wish it had a pen loop bc one of my few aesthetic indulgences is bringing a separate planner pen from home. (not even purely aesthetic, i have an easier time processing thick black script, my eyes kinda slide off of ballpoint pen writing)

Not sure how much mental strain its relieving for me so far tho tbh. Im used to spinning plates in my head so i obviously didnt stop doing it in 4 days even if its all also down on paper, plus i feel like maybe im doing rookie overplanning and writing down things that a) dont need it b) move up and down the priority scale a lot given how unpredicatble work is. So writing some things down on a specific date introduces more pressure and chaos bc i know im not actually supposed to do it but it is written down. Thats sth that will iron itself out over time tho, Ive already made some provisions against it.

Anyway, otoh ive done literally twice as much chemistry this week as usual + kept up w housekeeping way more. But i may have just been keeping myself in line w anxiety over being completely alone w my work w no immediate day-to-day accountability for the first time ever and the planner is incidental. However, having a thought like "oh i should..." and immediately writing it down in a place where i know for sure i will later sit down with and consider how to best implement it, bc thats what that place is exclusively for, feels p good.

The ultimate goal ofc is not to do twice as much chemistry and wash my glassware on time, but the much more ephemeral and difficult fantasy of anxiety relief & freeing my mind from work when im not engaging w it productively. So like, how will i ever know if the planner is helping at all given that the world is a nightmare and none of the shit i do matters, and even if i were to achieve less anxiety abt it, being at peace and despair to the point of resignation dont look that different from each other