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13 de Abril, 2020. ****, Chile.

Bueno, no tan bien. Dejé de estudiar por el tema del Covid-19, ni siquiera podía entrar a las dichosas clases online. La verdad siento que no hubiese aprendido mucho, y, sin ánimos de sonar egocéntrica, no soy tan poco como para aceptar una educación tan precaria como la que está entregando el instituto en el que estaba, menos si alguien se está esforzando por mi para pagarla. Aunque planeo devolver todo el dinero que pagó mi papá por los meses que alcancé a figurar en la lista, y sí, ya sé que nadie me lo exige y que no es mi deber, pero tampoco fue su deber el entregar dinero que no usé como se suponía.

Fuera de eso, si todo esto acaba antes de fin de año, mi idea es trabajar y destinar ese dinero a ayudar comprando mercadería en caso de que mi papá no esté trabajando, pero si mantiene su empleo, ahorraré lo que gane para poder pagarle lo del instituto.

Han sido meses bastante complejos, y a veces me he sentido culpable por el pensamiento, egoista quizás, de “sé que todxs la están pasando mal de algún modo, pero yo he vivido por más de 5 años con ansiedad y problemas psicológicos, yo cargo el miedo de una posible recaida, no los demás aquí en casa”. Y es que es cierto… ya es muy evidente que mi ansiedad aumentó y los ataques de pánico volvieron, pero a esto se le suma ahora el miedo de volver a enfermarme tanto como antes.

Actualmente debería estar recibiendo terapia psicológica por lo que me dejó mi última relación de pareja, pero si voy a pedir ayuda a ese centro es muy probable que me receten ansioliticos o algún estabilizante, porque es obvio que me enviarán con un psiquiatra luego de la evalución psicológica. La verdad, no hay manera de hacerme sentir más enferma que el hecho de darme medicamentos.

Pero bueno, son cosas que debo superar, ¿No? No por nada elegí “resiliencia” como “mi palabra”.

Tú ya sabes todo lo que pasé, desde el 2016 lo oíste de mi propia boca, y también lo presenciaste; a finales del 2018 dijiste que si pude con todo eso, podría con lo que sea, y te creo, ¿Sabes? Conociste varias partes de mi y, sin abandonarme una sola vez, me demostraste que confiabas en mi. Yo también lo hago ahora.

Estarías muy feliz y orgullosx de ver cómo he tomado y seguido cada uno de tus consejos y palabras, cómo he mejorado, cómo aún no me derrumbo por completo y cómo no lo haré. Realmente voy a pelear contra esto y sé que voy a ganar nuevamente… Voy con ventaja esta vez.

Valió la pena el pensar todo esa vez y finalmente decidir quedarme aquí, estuvo muy bien el escucharte y no haberme ido con alguien a quien no amaba, alguien a quien ni siquiera quería como te quiero a ti.


Cartas que nunca serán entregadas.

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(476) Holy fuck what a ride, so beautiful in all the ways. Also, bait for furries not gonna explain why. Watch this fucking movie. Also, I just love Lakeith Stanfield and Tessa Thompson I absolutely love them in everything I’ve seen them in, incredible actors. #blacklivesmatter #SupportBlackMedia

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I have written the poem below about my experiences of nature during the lockdown and how nature has helped us all during it, its called ‘Connection re-established’    

In our stormy winter we never thought it would come here, 

Then came our biggest fear, 

Silent streets in spring time, 

Mountains to climb, 

In our generation a challenge unparalleled in scale, 

A long time before I would see another sail, 

At least two metres apart, 

The blossoming of a natural year was about to start, 

Scary times, 

Feelings of warm climes, 

How could we make it pass, 

Early emerging butterflies flitting over growing grass, 

In an instant our way of life went, 

A chiffchaff’s song so frequent, 

A world stopped, 

But the beetle still hopped, 

Dear family, friends and colleagues on the end of phones and webcams,

Noticing multiple bird species of the ones that were the age to be in prams, 

In front of our leaders we’d unite, 

As the evenings became light,

A duty that had to be done, clapping for our incredible key and care workers, 

Being watched by roe deer lurkers, 

They kept our country running, 

The blue of the glistening lakes so stunning, 

Unusual bank holiday relax, 

Flowers in stacks, 

We appreciated the simple things, 

Like mating damelflies’ wings, 

Big nights in, and musical singles for charity, 

Nature in sharp clarity, 

As a nation with our war veteran hero we’d walk and walk and walk, 

Celebrate hawk and stork and most of all we’d really talk, 

It feels like forever, 

But for the better we’ve come together, 

Newfound unity in our own human race, 

But a greater appreciation of all around and our place,

I’ve shared poems I’ve written on here before and done explanations of them, something I’m a little uncomfortable with as it feels a bit like blowing my own trumpet so I am sorry. I am very clear though this is nothing of literary pedigree, its just I’ve always liked writing poems and rhyming things. I am going to do an explanation though firstly to explain what is meant by certain bits and secondly as this poem makes reference to lots of things that have happened in Britain over the coronavirus crisis so its for friends internationally to explain. The poems I’ve written before on nature/general topics have usually been about a certain period of time to reflect upon a notable time period. I’d not had the idea for ages but I could not let this the most historic event of our lifetime perhaps pass without a poem really. The idea of this poem is that its about the lockdown due to coronavirus and all its challenges with certain specific bits mentioned, but also about a theme many have picked up on about everyone noticing nature and finding time to re-connect to it due to us having to stay at home/local as much as we can and everything else as a population. The connections to nature bit rather focuses on specific species and sights I’ve seen. Other than the opening and closing stanza each rhyming couplet contains one line about the lockdown and another about nature I’ve seen. They intertwine and then meet towards the end of the poem really. 

The lockdown lines touch on obviously why this has all happened and more specific events and feelings such as social distancing, feelings of isolation, having to work from home, having to find alternative methods to see and speak to friends and family members, daily briefings/addresses from the Prime Minister and Queen, very different bank holidays, the Thursday clap for key workers and carers to show our appreciation of these amazing people, the BBC’s ‘Big Night In’ programme and appeal, the various charity singles that have been released and Colonel Tom Moore’s amazing inspiration, hope he brought and fundraising efforts. A general theme I hope comes across is mental health and how everything has made us feel with ITV’s ‘Britain Get Talking’ campaign’s impact hinted at a little too. With the penultimate line I wanted it to be a nod to the recent protests and Black Lives Matter movement sparked by the horrific events in the USA and how around this time right now this has made us come together and demand change too. As I saw some so eloquently express on social media yesterday, we are all one race we’re all the same so discrimination just should not exist. My sincere condolences and prayers are with the family and friends of George Floyd right now.   

Then the infused bits of nature focus on, my experiences of seeing butterfly species much earlier than usual compared to previous years again and again throughout the lockdown period, so many young birds nearby, the hot weather and scenes this creates, blossom on trees of spring seen a lot on my exercise walks, not seeing the sea for months, Chiffchaff’s singing and seeing them constantly, the Roe Deer I got very close to one lunch time lurking in the grass, the amount of beetles I’ve been able to focus on, mating damselflies, flowers blooming, lighter evenings and the storms that came before all of this in the winter. It also makes reference to hawk and stork for rhyming purposes really, I’ve seen hawks well during lockdown but this also nods to Knepp’s inspirational story of the White Storks nesting there in West Sussex. A good news story nature something that is so lovely to hear and uplifting in these times. In this photoset are 10 pictures of wildlife and landscapes I’ve taken during the lockdown, following social distancing guidelines at all times at various stages of the restrictions. 

I must end by reflecting on why we’re having this period of time which prompted me to write this poem. I send my heartfelt condolences and wishes to everyone who has had a loved one taken away or has otherwise been adversely impacted by this horrendous disease. My immense yet insufficient thanks go to every key worker all around the world who has done unimaginable things for all of us. 

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