#ive not listened to graduation yet (and idk if i ever will) so idk if this applies to argo or not | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sgtmickeyslaughter · 6 months

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Wednesday Tag Game!

whooho! we're half way through the week

thank you @such-a-barbarian for tagging me <3

🔤 Name: gigi

🎶 Last song you listened to: homecoming which feels pretty appropriate to this blog (psa i think k*nye is a fucking asshole as much as the next person but you can pry graduation and college drop out from my cold dead hands)

🎵 Artist on Spotify giving you the feels right now: its fall so ive been listening to the entirety of preachers daughter -ethel cain on repeat on my walk home

👯‍♂️ Fave Blorbo Moment: when my very BRAVE blorbo kissed his crush <3 (he got the order a little wrong but he got there eventually)

🍟 Your guilty pleasure snack: i am not a huge snacker, nor do i feel guilt associated with food itself, i do however feel a little shame for how much $ i spend on the shittiest mangos, papayas, lychee etc. on the planet all for a taste of home :,(

🌮 What food are you craving today: sushi and trust i will be eating some this weekend

📖 Last fanfic tab you opened: @sam-loves-seb 's whumptober series, i doubt anyone who follows me hasnt seen this project come up on their dash, but its worth mentioning again how truly exceptional these fics are

🖌️ Favorite fic project you've created: idk about favorite, but most recent is Psychopomp! Please go read it if you're interested

https://archiveofourown.org/works/51164713/chapters/129278920

other than that i think the best is yet to come !

👩🏼‍🎤 Next tattoo you want: i am not going to get any tattoos in the near or distant future (even though i love them on others), and if i ever did i would be the worst kind of client with a million tweaks and a long (obviously compensated, but annoying) design process, you know, the type of client i complain about all day

🧐🆓 What's living in your head rent free this week: yall, i had such a crazy halloweekend i am still exhausted aside from work nothing has been going on in my head thats not strictly necessary, but i have had a few ideas for new fics so stay tuned

Wednesday is almost over so in the last few hours i tag all you nice people

@i-think-you-mean-reduction @jezzibelle89 @solitarycreaturesthey

@sweetperversiongirl @milkovichrules @gallavichlover19

#sgt says #weekly tag wednesday

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yellowocaballero · 3 years

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I left a yelly comment because it was like 5am and I haven't gotten the time to process yet (i binge studied for two weeks and your fics are the first non-study shit ive read in a long time and the absurdism and philosophy made me so happy). BUT. About TCF. It rang very true in some ways to me, as someone from a 3rd world country because we... we are constantly under crisis. The apocalypse? It happens all the time. There's never money and sometimes theres LESS or theres a coup or a riot and-

And i'm young but i've already lived through one major national crisis that has WRECKED my fam when i was a baby and I'm now the age my parents were last time and I'm living through an even worse socio-politic-economical crash. And I was talking with my dad about this, who lived through a dictatorship and 4 crisis, about how idk how im going to move out or when and i was like "it just feels like the worlds ending" and he laughed and went "the worlds always ending. we just... keep going" (2/)

It's not a special notion, what he said. But. It made me think. About my country and my people and my family and how everyone has lived through so much helplessness and yet they keep choosing when they lack choice. Like, we can barely control our own natural resources or our land or our presidents without external intervention. Imperialism. But yeah, ppl still... fight so much yknow? And they are aware of it. They keep going. And your fics, specially TCF, reminded me of that. (3/)

IM SORRY IM RANTING SO MUCH BUT LET ME PRAISE YOU! your fic (your story, goddamn!) made me think of that. Of my dad. How the world's always ending but people keep going anyways, how they still try to change at least a little bit just because its the decent thing to do, just because why not? It's not about being an individual hero. It's collectivity and organisation and just... facing the storm togheter. Building a shelter. And I know you're asking questions, not solving them but thank you. Truly.

OK IM DONE I DIDNT MARK IT BUT IM DONE!!!! Just... thank you. I'm not a specifically cynic person (nor a faux positive one) but I just... i'm thankful. I'm touched. Hope you have a really nice day. Truly

Yes!! YES!!!

Thank you so much for these asks, and for sharing. I really enjoy hearing how people’s lives and experiences act as a lens through which they read my stuff, and people always have incredibly interesting perspectives. Thank you for sharing yours - it’s really valuable.

Something that’s always stood out to me in TMA is the resilience of people. Awful, terrible things keep happening to people, and they just get up, dust themselves off, and keep living anyway. Even when it’s hard or not worth it, almost every TMA character makes the decision to live and try to live well. It’s an essential part of being an Avatar, especially for Jon’s arc - that you choose living painfully over dying peacefully. Jon made the decision to hurt others and live instead of die - that’s important! As ol Jonny Sims said, TMA is about those compromises and choices we have to make, when there is no one good answer.

I believe very firmly that people are REALLY GOOD at surviving! You’re right - no matter how bad things get, or how terrible the situation seems, life goes on. The worlds ends and we wake up the next day. I think this first started hitting me around COVID, and you can tell how dramatically COVID affected my idea of the apocalypse - an apocalypse where everything’s different, where everybody lives in constant fear and misery in a way so different from the way they once did...but hey, we’re living. People are still memeing, still taking care of their kids, still playing with their dogs. People have survived the worst conditions imaginable in life throughout history (as I’m sure you know), and they still somehow got up and did their work. Even on a personal level - I had a conversation with a friend the other day where I remarked about how many times I’ve felt in my life that I can’t handle something, that I can’t do it, that I can’t make it through the next day or do this task or graduate or get this job or whatever. But I always do. Every time I say ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘I can’t handle this’, I always end up waking up the next day anyway. I’ve survived every day I’ve ever had! And I’ve survived some DAYS! Weird how that works out!

Season 5 in TMA is Hell (It is really basically hell, I have feelings on this). People sinned in one of 14 ways, and they’re being punished for all time because of it. But my approach to the apocalypse (written before I started listening to S5), was that it was just a new world. More dangerous, definitely more terrible, way more fear demons, full of monsters and urban fantasy and everything...but a world, where people live, if not thrive. Nobody’s thriving, in Jon’s world - but people are surviving, because not even Jonah Magnus can take that from them. I kind of dislike in S5 how people are just trapped in a nightmare or a dream, it’s so stagnant and perpetual. It’s very scary, but I wanted to build an urban fantasy type world, and it’s important that those worlds feel livable and exciting. The world in TCF, as Helen said, is simply different. Life always seems to get harder, because men like Jonah Magnus turned it into a capitalist hellscape and exploited it for himself, but far worse has happened and we aren’t dead yet!

And Jon, who is the utterly privileged class, who reaps every benefit of capitalism there is, looks at this oppressed world that he created and decides that he doesn’t want or need it. And then he rips the chains from the world and gives it back to humanity. It doesn’t fix everything - but it gives people a fighting chance. Which is all they need.

Thanks for the ask, and thanks for sharing your story!

#tcf is about capitalism and death and those are the only two things it is about #my writing

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riaflicke · 3 years

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The saying went something like, monsters are created not born. And that was exactly how Ria Flicke felt about the demon - or demons, plural, depending on the day - inside of her. It wasn’t always dark, but it was fed enough that it grew and grew until she didn’t know what it felt like to not have the darkness inside of her.

Some of the creation was self-inflicted. It wasn’t like she knew how to walk away from a bad situation or how to let the light win out, no, she let the darkness win and that was her own fault. Over the past few months of alone time and wrestling with questions and curiosities, she managed to figure out how and where the darkness was cultivated, fed and nurtured by the people that were meant to protect her.

AUGUST 17th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (14 years old)

Move in day for Faircrest Preparatory School. Day one of one million of learning to be a spy. Mariana thought that it would be a good idea for Leon to drive Ria to move in. After all, he worked at Faircrest, and she thought it’d be good for the younger Flicke to finally get to know her father.

Needless to say, it did not get off to a good start. Ria knew two things: her mother was cryptic about her father and the only way to get adults to pay attention to her was to be annoying. And she had lots of questions for Leon which meant she would be extra annoying.

“Don’t put your feet up there,” Leon turned over to his daughter, who had perched her feet on the all white car dash. “You’re going to get it dirty.” “What?” Ria didn’t dignify him with even a glance, she instead focused on picking a scab on her calf. “Maria-” “Ria.” “Maria,” Leon huffed, “Take your feet off the dash or we’re not leaving this driveway… What did you do to yourself anyway?” “Fell off my bike.” “Don’t you know how to ride a bike?” Picking at the scab until she got it to bleed again (because it definitely made her dad cringe), “Yes. I let go.” “Why?” “It made mom freak out.” She finally moved her feet from the dash, pleased with the furrowed brow her father now had. “And why in the world would you want to do that?” Leon asked in a deadpan tone, clearly frustrated with his daughter’s antics. “It proved mom cares. Somewhere. She got worried.”

The frustration on Leon’s face morphed into one of pride, but in the blink of an eye it was back to neutral. “You’re already thinking like a spy. What has your mother taught you so far?” “Nothing, I’ve known for all of like, three months.” “Alright. Well, we have about six hours ahead of us-” “Joy.” “Don’t interrupt me, Maria. I can’t have my daughter not knowing anything about spyhood. You’re already starting Faircrest at a disadvantage.”

That spoke to the competitive side of Ria and all, but she thought that this ride would be a way to get to know the man she’d wondered about for years. “You’re going to spend six hours talking to me about spy stuff and not like… anything about me?” “I didn’t say that. Anyways, I’ll see you all year on campus, we have plenty of time to get to know each other.” “Ooookay. Weird, but, fine, talk to me about your spy life or whatever…” Her voice trailed off into silence.

Leon glanced over at her, “What were you about to say?” Chewing on her bottom lip, Ria was silent for a little longer before speaking up. “I wanted to ask you a question.” “Fine, ask it then.” “Do you love me?” The words sounded sharp to hide the fear inside. “I don’t know.” Sitting up straighter, the blonde’s face dropped, “How do you not know? I’m your daughter.” “We just met.” “So?” “So, I need time to decide.” “Do you think you ever will?” “We’ll see.” And he wouldn’t. ‘I love you’ were three words he’d never say. “Fine… Tell me about this spy shit.” “Language.”

JUNE 8th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (17 years old) Whether she wanted to listen to her father or not (spoiler: she didn’t!), Ria wanted to be top of her class. Success was something she could control. Success gave her purpose. Success made it all worth it. So as much as she hated Leon Calder with everything in her being, she kept note of all of his rules and the subsequent tests and trials in a tiny leather bound notebook. It was a pale pink, embossed with “Maria” on the cover - which she had since scratched up with pens and keys until it only read Ria.

With graduation on the corner - and a four year break from spyhood (her parents hated that one) on the horizon - she flicked through the pages, a walk down a very bumpy memory lane.

Rule 1: Control the conversation What’s it mean: - Have conviction in what you say - Stand by your words, even if they’re questionable - Don’t get stuck in webs of lies - Take pride in attention - good or bad - throws people off their game when you embrace an insult

Rule 2: Head not heart What’s it mean: - Don’t lead with emotions ever - Look at things logically bc that’s trustworthy, emotions are fickle - Tears are weakness - avoid at all costs!!!

8/30/10 - first week @ faircrest, dad got me a xanax prescription. told me it’s better to feel nothing than something. haven’t tried it yet 2/1/12 - (middle of soph. year.) - i think i’m addicted 4/29/14 - i’m graduating in 2 months. Idk how to feel bc i don’t think i’ve felt anything in four years. 8/2/14 - i don’t trust my own head

Rule 3: Don’t have a blindspot What’s it mean: - Falling in love means youre caught up in another person - Getting caught up in another person is a weak point - A lover will betray you or will be used against you - Lust =/= love, lust is ok.

11/1/13 - i don’t think ive cared about a single person ive slept with. like at all.

Rule 4: Know what you’re walking into What’s it mean: - Awareness is key - Evaluate every situation in full - ALWAYS keep your guard up or you’ll get backstabbed

12/21/10 - was @ home for christmas, dad snuck up behind me and threw a knife. i ducked in time. said i need to get better at awareness. Wtf.

After twenty or so blank pages, one page of the notebook had a few words written on it in all capitals. They were written more cleanly than the notes and scribbles of yesteryear, clearly written by an older Ria with stronger penmanship.

I THINK IM A MONSTER.

SEPTEMBER THROUGH NOVEMBER, 2020, ROSEVILLE, VA (24 years old)

The fires the year prior had been the first time that Ria remembered crying in over ten years. Something cracked inside of her as the buildings and all she’d used to ground herself started to fall and crackle apart. It was what pushed her to look inside of her. To know why she held so tightly onto the lessons and learnings from two people that couldn’t care less about her. It was what sent her to therapy.

There were no diagnoses to be found, apart from a self-inflicted dependence on unhealthy relationships and her vices. She lacked the remorse and violence to be a psychopath, and she didn’t have the swings of anger that hallmarked aggression disorders. What was there instead was a shell, a guard that presented itself as sociopathy - but she knew what she was doing, she had remorse, that was where the questions began. How could you display every trait in the book but be ‘normal’ inside?

The revelation of Blackthorne as a school for assassins had opened up even more of a can of worms, but she ignored it until the start of her third year, as she continued to try and understand what was going on inside of her head. Leon had gone to Blackthorne, yet the alumni didn’t seem to recognize his name. Something was up.

With the help of one of her Faircrest friends, Tobi, she was able to find more on her father. More on his employment records and his history. He’d begun going by his middle name after graduating Blackthorne, Leon Calder instead of Malcolm Calder. Hardly a criminal offense. He had a cross listing with the MI5 (expected, she knew her parents met in London) and a private agency ‘Atkinson Associates’. Further digging revealed it as a hitman agency, one that her father was still actively employed with.

Once she had that, and access to the files of the company, she went to dig on her own - not wanting to pull anyone else deeper into the mess. The employee roster and files were what she really wanted. Clicking on her father’s, she read through the notes, feeling a gross pit building in her stomach as she learned more. Kill count: 117. Use for: High profile, quickturn jobs. Works both individually and with partners.

Noting that the word partners was linked, Ria clicked on it, skimming quickly over unknown names until she settled on the name of a former partner. One she knew too well. Mariana Alice Flicke.

“No…. no no no…” But she couldn’t stop, she had to know more about her mother. Kill count: 2. Use for: Track erasure and evidence destruction.

She didn’t know if it made her feel better or worse that her mother was typically non-violent… Even if she condoned the violence. Blue eyes kept scanning the profile of her mom. Employment Terminated: September 30, 1995 Reason: Pregnancy.

“No wonder he hates me so fucking much.” She took Mariana out of the field, she took his partner away… But that wasn’t her fault! Hovering over the word pregnancy, Ria’s brow furrowed. Another link. There was no reason that needed to be linked. Everyone knew how pregnancy worked!

After a long stare off with the link, she finally clicked on it. The curiosity eating away at her. It pulled up what looked like an incomplete profile, one with nothing but the key statistics. And she didn’t even need to read them, they were ones she knew by heart. Name: Maria Grace Flicke Date of Birth: June 6, 1996 Start Date: To Be Determined.

She wanted to stop scrolling, but her hand kept moving, the answers were finally there. Whether she liked them or not.

Current Status:

Atkinson Associates Case study 001.: Nature versus Nurture

- Developing the mindset of an assassin from day one - Utilizing upbringing to control later characteristics, thought processes, and disposition

None of her mania was an accident. It was all part of a bigger plan that she never wanted to be a part of. Each demon was planted inside of her by the people that were supposed to love her most.

And the only way she could deal with this was to let out an ear-piercing wail.

#dev | ria #i'm sorry #drugs tw

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slightlymore · 4 years

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Dood I love NCT Sm I rly jus wanna come up to them n educate them all abt Cultural Appropriation so they don’t repeat the same mistakes over n over again. I can’t stand seeing the hate they receive for stuff they do that they possibly DK the significance of 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

long post

although we don't know if they actually know it or not, I think they're smarter than doing ca knowing it's offensive on broadcasts on purpose, like you have to be an absolute idiot (maybe they are at this point idk)

also, it's obviously not fans' duty to keep educate them and I've seen a lot of discourse of people being rightfully tired of keep doing so. but at the same time, it's worth mentioning that a lot of international discourse hardly gets to their ears anyways. there was the wondering as to why sm is so quick to react when less important stuff happens but it won't react with ca even if many people email them about the matter. my answer is that sm as a general company will not take into consideration elements that are not directly impacting their name or the name of their artists in korea. for example, no one in korea probably knows about the ca issues and if they know because they've seen it on Twitter they don't care to spread the word. unless it's something huge when everyone talks about it (and from our perspective ca is huge but still, just some people are talking about it on Twitter, it's not on the trendings in korea) then sm will not make a statement because they think it's useless and it will only get them negative attention (in my opinion, sm will get positive attention if they apologize or make a statement because it will make them look aware, educated and responsible but that’s just my opinion).

you'd think that since sm is expanding a lot overseas it would be more careful to take into consideration every culture and every country's opinion but it's not true.

at the same time, even if they don't care as a company to educate their artists and even if they're assholes (idols legit receive an education as in "if you date we will cut your balls" so I don't think it's hard for sm to do a workshop once a year and have a person explain ca to them or get the idol and say “yo, what you did is shit, stop”) since they're business people at least they should care about the money they would lose if they keep acting poorly. their money still comes from fans and if fans turn their backs to them they won't have it anymore.

idols could definitely educate themselves without companies stepping in but I think if the general korean public started to get educated first so international voices can be heard and spread by everyone then it will definitely help a lot

to give you an example, I live in Italy which can be seen as a cultured country when it comes to social issues, yet no one knows about the Indian dance moves, using black hairstyles if you're not black, calling roma people slurs, even all types of slurs going around. I personally know about it because I live on the internet and I speak English, but the average Italian person has no idea about it, no one talks about it ever. of course some of them will not give a fuck after you educate them but most of them after I say "hey this is why you should not do this because of this reason" they will stop and say that they had no idea. my mom was shocked to hear about black people not getting jobs or getting made fun of because they have natural hair and her rightful question was "why would they be denied work because of that?" because no one here really knows about other cultures' struggles if they're not actively spending a lot of time studying about it.

this is absolutely not to justify the lack of education koreans have as a population, but it’s still an element worth mentioning. if idols keep doing shit im inclined to say that maybe they don’t care about it (very dangerous take for them if they want to keep their reputations intact so it’s probably not the case) or they legit still don’t know about it which to us sounds absurd but I am a international relationships graduate and there’s still so much about the world I have no idea about and i am learning everyday.

people like taeyong, although i have no fucking clue how he really is irl, will probably listen and understand fans’ concerns, especially him. and i can’t imagine him knowing about it and not giving a single damn. i also wish there were easier ways to make them understand certain things.

I will end this long ass post by also mentioning how i think it’s very offensive and rude the way fandoms use social issues to feed into their wars and honestly it makes me boil with anger. everytime there’s something going on, i see the “yeah but your faves did this and this” or the first to act upon an issue is the “rival” fandom just because they finally have something to shit on the other group about. most of the people ive seen lamenting about ca are people that have no reason to feel offended about said thing but they just jump on the hate wagon because they generally hate a certain group. ca and other sensitive topics should not be the object of petty conflicts. people are appropriating someone else’s pain for their own stupid use instead of being mature and responsible people

#ask

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unravelling-the-world · 3 years

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random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie. back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time. i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

#long post #hinatalks #we live in a society #fr fr #when i die....if god is real..i´ll end this once and for all. all of it #i am left with nothing but pain and anger.... i cant even feel anymore. i think i forgot how to

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pogasm · 4 years

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Is a kiss considered cheating? yes

Have you ever faked orgasm? wtf

If you could have one superpower, what would it be? shapeshifting

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? probably yea

Tell us some funny drunk story. i have never

Why are you no longer together with your ex? he is a homophobe and he is pushy and obsessive

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? sleep

What are your current goals? graduate hs

Do you like someone? ye :(

Who was the last person to disappoint you? mama

Do you like your body? i think im hot

Can you keep a diet? lmao No

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? fuck bitches get money

Do you work? nah

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? lasaga. or palm oil rice. or very spicy ofada rice. idk

Would you get a tattoo? ye

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? food

Can you drive? somewhat

When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? i actually dont know

What was the last thing you cried for? i watched a show that had a coming out scene and her parents were chill and i got sad bc that would never be me

Do you keep a journal? i used to

Is life fun? only with the right people

Is farting in front of people irrelevant? no

What’s your dream car? pickup truck. or jeep. i like big cars

Are grades in school important? unfortunately

Describe your crush. oh fuck um shes really cool and funny and weve been friend for a while and she is insecure her but i think shes extremely beautiful

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? romeo and juliet, the hate u give, intensity

What was your last lie? ‘im doing school work’

Dumbest lie you ever told? idk

Is crying in front of people embarrassing? i dont think its embarassing but i think its extremely intimate

Something you did and you are proud of? i dont think ive ever been proud of myself. i can lift a lot more than everyone in my fam, so they make me carry heavy stuff. i think thats cool

What’s your favourite cocktail? pina colada ig. never had an actual cocktail

Something you are good at? crocheting. and photoshop ig

Do you like small kids? no

How are you feeling right now? i am not feeling

What would you name your daughter/son? idk something that has to do with stars. supernova or something

What do you need to be happy? books

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? yuh

What was the last gift you received? a crochet kit which i hated

What was the last gift you gave? i got you something emma! i have not tracked it yet but its coming!

What was the last concert you went to? never been to one

Favourite place to shop at? walmart? i hate shopping

Who inspires you? tumblr. theres a lot of cool stuff here

How old were you when you first got drunk? bitch

How old were you when you first got high? no

How old were you when you first had sex? NO

When was your first kiss? now youre just making me sad

Something you want to do until the end of this year? save

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? exist

Post a selfie. no i dont think i will

Who are you most comfortable around? emma and liana and thats it ig

Name one thing that terrifies you. idk going to hell? the apocalypse?

What kind of books do you read? romance, thriller, drama

What would you tell your 12 year old self? you are gay

What is your favourite flower? lavender

Any bad habits you have? i cant think of any rn

What kind of people are you attracted to? i really dont know

What was the last thing you cried for? i already said

Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you? sunny side up eggs

Are you in love? it would be terrifying if i was

Something you find romantic? holding hands

How long was your longest relationship? 2

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? they can be dramatic sometimes ig. periods are a bitch. they always pick the worst men

What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? ugh i have a whole essay

What are you saving money for? ipad

How would you describe your bad side? lmao what even is this question

Are you actually a good person? Why? no

What are you living for? literally nothing. i want to fall in love

Have you ever done anything illegal? no

Do you like your body? i answered this already. i am a snacc

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? i dont think so

Ever sent nudes? NEVER but i would brobaby send prank n00ds like my armpits instead of coochee or my knees instead of boob

Have you ever cheated on someone? nooo

Favourite candy? anything with caramel. jolly ranchers

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! @just-shower-thoughts @gravybaot

Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? no

Favourite TV series? um the witcher?

Are you religious? Does God exist? idk if im releigios. if god exists then they probably dont care abt us

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? the hate u give. it was kinda boring

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? you do you, but dont aggressively push it on other people

How long have you been on Tumblr? 2-3 years maybe

Do you like Chineese food? no

McDonalds or Subway? mcdonald

Vodka or whiskey? dude i am 2 years old

Alcohol or drugs? i am TWO

Ever been out of your province/state/country? ive been in 3 different continents

Meaning behind your blog name? gravybaot reccomended it. i agreed

What are you scared of? your mom

Last time you were insulted? today

Most traumatic experience ? jesus fuck no i am not reliving that

Perfect date idea? picninc beside a lake. we hold hands a lot

Favourite app on your phone? tumblr

What colour are the walls in your room? cream ig?

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? i dont

Share your favourite quote. fuck bitches get money

What is the meaning of life? i dont think there is a meaning. life is a pendulum that swings between sense and nonsense

Do you like horror movies? ye

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? yes. i dont care to remember

Do you feel lucky or special in a way? no

Can you keep a secret? i can. if it harms somebody in any way then i have to spill

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flyingcookierambles · 4 years

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plans for 2020???

uhhuhuhuhuhuhhhh

graduate college

get a part time job and take a gap year for academia/save up money while job hunting for my first Real Adult Job?????

figure out my gender??????????????? probably switch to like they/she pronouns or something bc i realized that every time i post something on twitter/snapchat/tumblr/whatever i always refer to myself as a “a foolish child who makes bad financial decisions” or “a person who makes their wallet cry” or like “guess who just spent like $40 on a steam sale???? this kidddddddddd” like ive always just been unconsciously referring to myself in like third person or they/them/gender neutral pronouns?????? like. i dont think that in any tweet/toot/snap ive ever written i’ve called myself something like “a foolish girl” or “a girl who makes her wallet cry” or anything so like theres that. and honestly ive made/been making some posts about this gender thing for like the past year. ive asked the cool mods at feminism and media about it (ill post the screenshot later). ive changed my main tumblr about page which i dont think anyone’s ever visited since it’s listed under “hi” and like maybe i should change it to “about”? anyways ive like changed most of my stuff online to be something like “gender questioning, but she/her pronouns are fine for now” or like “gender questioning/probably nonbinary” and then just straight up changed my facebook pronouns to they/them (but im p sure my family hasnt noticed thank goodness cuz thats not a can of worms i wanna explain to a bunch of religious baby boomers rn), changed my myanimelist gender to non-bianary (again why is this a thing? a rando blue anime hellsite is not the place i expected to have this option but like im not complaining so lol), and also put “gender questioning, probably non-binary” in the write in gender option on goodreads so like. uhhh. i guess im probably non-binary????? but also im a terrible and indecisive person so like every time i say im probably non-binary my stupid brain goes back to bein like. wait is this some internalized misogyny that makes me not want to be a girl/cis girl? but also i find the dysphoria memes/jokes on the egg_irl subreddit really relatable and its just a bad cycle in which i go “oh these gender dysphoria memes on a trans subreddit are really relatable” -> “huh maybe. im not a girl???” -> brain awakened to being not a girl -> self doubt of brain might have internalized misogyny -> haha im a cis girl even tho i always refer to myself with they/them pronouns in writing -> haha wait that doesnt sound right a cis person wouldnt refer to themself with gender neutral pronouns right -> i know, ill go to a sub that i know makes gender dysphoria jokes and caused this self doubt/gender questioning in the first place with dumb jokes like “would you push a button?” and this meme but replace the “im bi” with “im ace” -> haha these gender dysphoria jokes are really relatable -> oh no (repeat this hell cycle of self doubt for 2 years and its me haha)

regarding the above example sentences of steam sales and my finances, uhhhh, i wanna play more video games this year. and actually finish them. because i think according to steamdb or whatever account rating site it is, my account’s games net worth is something ridiculous like $600. and like. ive only played like 30% of the stuff i own. so uh. i should get my moneys worth and play stuff

the above resolution does not apply to games that are technically endless with no real goal/end, such as the sims, cities skyline, prison architect, etc. this resolution applies only to games that do have an end, such as nameless, pesterquest, steins;gate, etc.

the above resolution also may have some exceptions due to technical issues or time since some games, mostly japanese visual novels like steins;gate, are not compatible with macbooks i guess maybe they’re not popular with gamers (not surprising the macbooks has terrible venting lol) and also maybe not popular in japan so japanese companies just dont think to port things to mac os??? idk what the issue is here exactly but like since im in a college dorm and not at home ill only have access to my macbook for a majority of the time.

also similar to the “finish the games” thing, i should read, or at least attempt to read, all the books i’ve brought. i have so so many ebooks. that are unread. yet i also keep buying more books. i should stop buying books and finish the ones i do have and also use the library more.

also i should probably figure out how to save money lol. im 22. but im constantly broke.

also i should uhhh probably find more diverse books lol. like i love my shitty indie fantasy books and stuff but the protag is usu a white dude so like eh. but also. sometimes when i read books w female protags im like haha cant relate. and then the gender questioning sets in once again. is it because im probably non-binary? or am i actually trans or something???????? i mean i hang out on egg_irl, a mostly mtf trans sub, but also an occasional non-binary or ftm trans post comes up which is also nice to see. idk mannnnnnn lollll

also there was this whole like haha cant relate brain reaction to my school’s vagina monologues event when i went in to listen to my nursing major friend have some monologue. like she talked about some thing about like delivering a baby and it was kinda near the end of the event bc i got there late and the ones that i did hear at the end were just like haha cant relate but also ive been told that the monologues that year were particularly terf-y, probs in response to my college turning co-ed (it was up until i think 2 years before i entered a womens college and the older students, alumni and current students that were there at the time, were apparently super pissed about it, so the school i guess doubled down on “(cis) girl power!” but also kinda excluded trans/gender queer ppl that weren’t cis girls in the process)

gender is stupid i feel like id much rather not have to deal with it/pick a label to be and move on with life lol but my brain wont let me

push this internal gender crisis out of my mind by playing a ton of video games/reading a ton of books/do school work ig hahahahahaha

#gummytruck rambles #personal #2020 resolutions???? i think #weird gender shit

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maplestreetsims · 6 years

Photo

- ̗̀ 57 Facts Tag ̖́-

i was tagged by @midnightdevotions thank you for tagging me!

i tag @pollinationqueen @esperilla @elisabettasims @uzuie and @mellocakes

stuff under de cut!

i was born on july first, 2000

im a cancer🦀

im from montevideo, uruguay

i know how to speak english and spanish

my favourite colors are orange, yellow, red and pink

im currently obsessed with sufjan stevens and his music?? go listen to him

my favorite tv show its adventure time, it gets me really emotional i dont even know why

my other favourite shows are stranger things, the get down and skam

my favourite movie its pride (2014)

i used to be a huge fan of 1d, still am

im bi but i dont really like using labels, so yeah

i hate writing dialogue, im just trash at it

my favourite youtubers are jenna & julien and shane dawson

i love drawing and art in general, im kinda good at it🎨

i love editing, have since im 12 years old

i tried to teach myself norweigan once and absolutley failed

i literally hate all four seasons

i have depression! yey!

i never dated anyone lmao

my first crush on a girl was selena gomez but we dont talk abt that

im a single child

ive got a cat named Mercury and a dog named Candy 🐶🐱

i have a hard time making frends, so thats the reason i have like , 2 of them

before this blog i used to have another one, since like 2014, and literally naver said a word ONCE, just rebloged shit

this blog helped get me out of my shell a little bit? at least i think so

i literally watch every single sims youtubers that exist, i think

i just cut my hair yesterday, so i had to update my simself (thats me btw)

i used to have long curly hair but im afraid i ruind that with this haircut bye

i have dimples and a teeth gap!

i love retro shit

my style is like, girl trying to pretend that she know how to thrift shop and dress trendy and quirky for 30 minutes straight

i would literally DIE for marceline abadeer, she literally owns my ass lmfao

dont trust my simself i wish i was that cute lmao

when i was a kid i went to swim lessons for an entire summer, and i still dont know how to swim rip

last time i swam in a pool was in 2012 and i almost drowned

im scared of heights and vehicles

im the first of my family to actually graduate (i havent actually gradueted yet but im on my last year)

im afraid of turning out like my parents, sounds mean but yeah

im afraid of being a failure and never end up getting a job idk

there was these weird time in mi life that for 6 years i didnt have a crush on anyone for some reason??

im trash at school and have the memory of a fish

my favourite marvel heros are Spiderman and Iron man

i only dyed my hair twice in my life, first time some blonde on the ends and later just som highlights

i would love to dye my hair fun colors at some point, specifically pink

i dont think ive ever went to a hairdresser and walked out satisfied with my haircut

my favourite dog breed are bull terriers

my first dog was named Ziño and my first cat was named sasha

My middle name is Maria

My actual name is Constanza

i hate wearing earrings and i wish my parents hadnt pierced my ears when i was a baby

my videogame expirence consist of some shrek videogame from 2009 up to de sims rip

i would looove to play more games but im brokee lmao

my other favourite games (that i havent played but watched gameplays on yt) are the last of us and all the walking dead ones

i made a short film for school once, it was pretty shit 🎬

im currently on a play with my entire class named marathon

i wish i was good at singing sooo bad but im not and thats the sad reality

i have been playing the sims for two years i think

#simblr #simblog #personal #simself #tag game #57 facts tag

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pin-upmamacassie · 5 years

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Idk why, but Ive been spending a lot of time thinking about when my kids are finally all in school. I guess just to be sure I know what I want to do when it finally happens? Like, what do I wanna go back to school for? Do I wanna work part time and go to school part time? Do I wanna go to school full time? Do I wanna work full time and go to school later?

Idk lol but I've been thinking more about when Landon starts kindergarten. Idk how the schedule will be with needing to get up and ready for the day and how the drop off and pick up will go. So I think I'm gonna spend a year at home. Enjoying the silence while the kids are at school lol take some time for me. If anything, I can always do school online and work after I graduate and get certified/licensed in something.

But that first year ALL my kids are in school I'm gonna spend that year learning other things I've always wanted to learn. I really want to learn how to knit. I really wanna work on my Spanish and learn to speak French. I wanna learn how to sew. And not just to put buttons on things or to patch up holes. I wanna learn how to make clothing and other things. Things like that. No one ever taught me these things yet and I'm determined to learn. The only Spanish I know is by listening to my family speak it while I was a kid. So I can understand some but I can't read it very well and I can't speak it very well lol but I've always wanted to really learn it and be fluent in it. And I wanna learn French because of where I'm living now. They still speak a lot of French here and I'd love to learn it and teach my children since this is part of the culture they're growing up in. I might also learn Italian. My grandma and aunt still speak it. I'd love to visit one day and just surprise them lol

My list keeps growing tho. So I might have to pick a couple things for 1 year and learn the rest later...

Eventually I learn it all 🤷 lol

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koishua · 2 years

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also yes jo woochan in la hits different ;-; no red flags!! u perfect :D noo getting engagement proposals sounds horrible, i am also not 18 yet and no way am i even thinking of getting married until at least like.. 25? maybe? but like my mom got married at 18 sooo ¯\_(⊙ˍ⊙)_/¯ oo xdh!! i really wanna listen to hdd lol, ive heard positive things about it! what's your take on the song? -☀

can't believe im actually a lil older than him when he looks so much better than i ever will 😔😔 though ig that could be said for james, jj and jihoon too rofl idk what the american air has in it, but idols start wildin there it's crazy oml

and aww thank you ;-; maybe my red flags are that visible much online but i assure you i got tons just like everyone else xbcbbd AND YES☝️☝️WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THIS MARRIAGE TALK‼️‼️we didn't even graduate from school and uni just yet 😭😭 your mom (at 18) 🤝 my mom (at 19)

and oh my gosh yes!! happy death day is SUCH a diff vibe compared to other releases and they're a band, so they play their own music and it's a whole vibe ugh and they're all sweethearts and hilarious people bahaha. there are some who dislike HDD and some who adore it to bits. guess which category i belong to 😔😔☝️

#☀️ anon #they have lots of live covers of other artists too and omfl their vocals are on another level legitimately and their rap??my ears in heaven

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blckdtd · 3 years

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"Train"

i had a crush on a college friend for like three years already... maybe longer than that. im writing this post because ive dreamt about him this morning. i tried to sleep again as i still want to continue that crazy dream since it was a bit beautiful. we were happy in that dream. but im not sure if because we are together as a couple or as something else.

i actually really like seeing him smile most of the time, thats why whenever we go home together i try to talk to him and make him laugh or smile as much as possible. but, being a funny person was not my best asset, so its always... awkward. it also fascinates me whenever we dont talk at all, or when his face is blank with unreadable emotion, though sometimes im having anxious thoughts that maybe he was annoyed on why do i kept talking and talking when he is clearly not interested. those moments taught me to shut my mouth most of the times.

but how did everything started? ill try to recall everything dont worry.

it was summer, and we were still freshman in college, group chats for sections in our department were already made and people were already having some clicks and groups. i also found our class' group chats, and while scrolling on the member's list, he was the first person i added on facebook since i noticed he was quite good looking (young me dumb me. always lookinh for the face. apologies). but i never messaged him personally on facebook.

first day came in, he was the first person i talked to actually since he was the person i first recognized. but, during freshman year, he was not my seasonal crush. had a crush on two person on different sememsters, one for each sememsters, but i dont think theres a need to elaborate on that i guess. maybe another time.

sophomore year is starting to come in. summer after fresh man year, i found out that the four of us will be in the same section, me, him, T, and A. the thing is, we actually belong in the same group of friends, we also have the gc (group chat). when i found out that the four of us are in the same class, i started to have some panic or thinking, that "oh shit. he is my classmate. this year. he ll be on the long list of my seasonal mandatory crush (i know. it sucks to have this mentality, like i cannot move forward to my life without having a crush on anyone or anything). i tried to avoid the feelings because he is quite a nice person. but it happened after that event.

swimming class, this was the first day i guess??? i cant remember. but i know it was the swimming class. the four of us were kinda huddled together since we dont rrally get alonv with everyone yet, and the instructor said to group ourselves in to two. to be honest, during the time, i quite sure o dont have the feelings for him yet. so me and him like automatically paired ourselves, since t and a automatically paired themselves. then he said "lets go there". then we grabbed each others hand, under the water. i can still remember that time because after that day, i did not exactly have it in mind, but the longer the time passes, the more i can remember, and im pretty sure he dont even remembered that day.

we hold hands under water and he lead the way. it was not the romantic type holding hands, the one where people actually intertwined their hands, it was just simple holding hands. then we let go, and started the routines we need to do.

being that im the fat one, i did feel how his hands are kinds bony since hes quite thin. and he is also lighter, i even believed that i could piggy back him if he ask me too. i know that he is lighter when our instructor ask us to do a simple floating where we simply lay flat on the water surface. it was fun knowing that he actually cant do that given that he is a really good swimmer and he is lighter too, but i can, a non good swimmer even if it could save my life. i almost like carried him in my arms to guide him how to float, thats how i found out he is light, but thats okay, i also liked that about him.

then one day, i woke up, i said to my self. "shit. im having a crush on him. this is not good". what i hate about this, is because i have the constant need to show off or have his attention or be in the same grouos or anything with him... like? we are already going home together cause we take tge same train or something, im so greedy, attention seeker, obsessed, annoying. i also chat him on facebook most of the time, like i always need to find a reason to talk to him or something. almost the whole year of second year college was me being a bother to him or something, and i just fully realized it now. and if ever for some reason you read this, yes, this is about you, and im really sorry for bothering you all these years thinking that you might, well, "reciprocate" the feelings, in short, sorry for being immature.

til this day, some parts of my heart, wished that there are times where he did enjoy our small talks on the train, or if he did enjoy having me as a "friend".

i can still remember how we talked about the girl you almost become girlfriend, about how you felt when one of our classmate gave you something on valentines day, how i fucked up and confessed of having feelings for you, and how we somehow remained as friends even after that day. i know you told our other friends that i confessed my feelings for you, thats why they started teasing me about it.

i missed you needing me to go somewhere sometimes because youre not much of a streetsmart or always forgets how to go some certain place. i remember how i said that you can rest your head on my shoulder when we were on the train on our way to one of our friends house to make a costume, how i lend my earphones to you so you can listen to some music even though i actually love listening to music, how you waited for me on train station even though i was late. we had a meet up.that day because you want to buy something that we found while looking for some naterials to make the costume, well you waited because you barely remember how to get there in the first place. not gonna lie, i was kinda happy how you waited for me on that station.

i can also remember how we talked throughout our jeepney ride on our way to the station, im sorry to say this, but during that day, i somehow had a hunch that you were just talking to me because i kinda led our way on how the two of us will get home, because you dont always talk to me in first place, ever since that day you knew, which i did understood, but i dont know why i still.stood my ground on seeking yoir attention. ha! but yes i can still remember how i take you to your station on your way home because you dont know your way, i got off of the train even though i could have just stayed and have my way home. it was fun though, and so foolish of me.

why am i even head over heels on you even after all this years? yes until now.

third year college, i promised my self that ill try to stop having feelings for you. but i didnt. but we were on that level where we just accepted that yeah i know that you know thatbinhave feelings for you but we will just be civil about it. we were kind of a pair tbh, you can use my phone whenever you want since that was the time when yiu dont have your own phone. you actually have more photos on that phone than me lol. we were in a civil state to the point we even became automatic pairs on an activity in botany class. we even became thesis groupmates. you probably had the most contribution on that thesis so i still thank you even till this day.

i also remembered when you asked me to come with you to get your birth certificate since you actually dont know how to get one, not gonna lie again, i was kinda having a moment back there since we were in the middle of thesis day, more like finishing it up, but you asked me to come with you. we travelled like for almost an hour for that, fell in line just to have your id photocopied, then i instructed you on which line you should take next, how to get this and that, then i waited for you, again. so we can also go back to the university. i had some realizations that day. on the lengths that my feelings for you drove me.

i also remembered how we went home together like we usually do after that earthquake since the station had a bit of crack on its foundation. but we went to separate ways you rode a jeepney on your way. i walked to mine.

one of the things that touched me was when you asked me about my favorite band, why did i liked them, and you somehow, had some small history, that you listened to them before or something.

but there are also those days where we dont even talked about anythibg at all. we just stayed silent. and bid our goodbyes and take cares. maybe those were your favorite days, just kidding.

im not trying to paint you as bad guy for not reciprocating or anything. im just remembering things, and i need to let them out.

it kinda sucks when i didnt saw you on the last day where we need to return our graduation gowns because i need to leave early that day because of an emergency family trip to the beach. just a celebration because i just graduated.

im sorry i still havent picked up your drawings that i said i will buy just to help you. because i had a job that time and you still havent because youre supposed to go to a medical school.

our company had a job opening but i was too shy to send the invite to you, idk why. i did tried to talk to you again just like a normal friend but, i know i cant. even while writing this, i can attest that im still not in the best condition to talk to you because i still... cant move on. this sucks.

there are parts of me that wished i didnt approached you on the first day of class. or maybe i shouldnt held your hand under water. or maybe... i shouldnt have just let this.feelings swallowed me.

i dreamed of you last night. but dont worry, nothinh sexual. i dreamed of holding your hand again. and seeing your smile. softly playing your hands until they were intertwined. it was a good dream. i wish i didnt woke up. but i need to.

your smile was so beautiful, i rarely saw them actually even after hundreds of train trips we had together. i loved the sound of your laugh actually that will soon give your smilling face. i can even remember your eyelashes they were so beautiful, though i hope you werent freaked out when i looked at you.

youre a beautiful person, your smart, you sometimes dark humor, you being lowkey gentleman, your creativity and artistry. everything about you.

to end this, i hope you know that it is not late to pursue your artistic passion or to go to a medical school. youre a brilliant person Eli, i hope you know that also. and i loved you, as person, as a friend, as someone who i went head over heels. right now, i do wish we meet again, but in a different time, but now, i only wish you happiness and success. thank you for being part of my life as a simple college student.

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sapphicwomanwithnopatience · 3 years

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just gonna answer these cus im a little bored and procrastinating on my job

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? - no, we are all very real

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? - maybe a two. things do exist in the dark.

3. The person you would never want to meet? - trump... ill probably get sent to jail if you put me within reach of that man

4. What is your favorite word? - “as” its a beautiful structure for metaphors

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? - maybe ash. not very unique, not very standoffish, but one of strongest and most reliable forms of wood

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? - my hair got fucked up while i slept it was a little surprising

7. What shirt are you wearing? - red pullover

8. What do you label yourself as? - a demon

9. Bright room or dark room? - dark

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? - watching inkmaster

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? - i dont have one

12. Who told you they loved you last? - my mom

13. Your worst enemy? - societal expectation

14. What is your current desktop picture? - hyyh bts

15. Do you like someone? - no

16. The last song you listened to? - butter

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? - nobody? killing people isnt all that

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? - currently? that one mf in texas yall know who

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? - um? what

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) - my eyes. ive been told theyre bottomless.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? - id be hot. not really too interested in leading a life that isnt my own. id probably look in the mirror a little bit and then just about my day?

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? - im sort of a all-kill when it comes to art. i can hold my own in painting, drawing, music production, singing, writing, directing and envisioning. so i guess artistic prowess? idk im a biologist so its not common in my field.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? -im not afraid of much.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. -cubano

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? - im depositing it in the bank

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? -id love to say some place in asia but logically since i only speak spanish and english ill be going puerto rico

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? -michelob ultra. ik ik beer is gross blah blah idc i consume beer much faster than other alcohol and its refreshing so ill go with that

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? - mandatory therapy

29. What is your favorite expletive? - cunt (im not british)

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? - laptop

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? - petition to let me erase more than one. its all or none erased, because all my experiences defined me. id need all of them or i wouldnt be me. if were erasing, get rid of it all.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! -this is not a question

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? - i see ghosts and i dont want them back. death happens when its necessary. dont cheat that.

34. What was your last dream about? - i dont remember but i know it happened

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? - i am a good

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? - yeah i broke my wrist once

37. Have you ever built a snowman? - no

38. What is the color of your socks? - not wearing ones rn but usually black

39. What type of music do you like? - anything but misogynist country

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? - sunset

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? - cookies and cream

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) - real madrid

43. Do you have any scars? - many

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? - research scientist

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? - less migraines

46. Are you reliable? - yes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? - you processed all that trauma yet?

48. Do you hold grudges? - depends on the offense

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? - i wouldnt

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? - someone asked me if id let them snort xanax out of my asshole

51. Are you a good liar? - great, actually

52. How long could you go without talking? - havent tested this but a long time

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? - bangs, not because i looked bad but because curly hair and bangs dont always mix

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? - all the time

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? - im decent at a british one

56. What do you like on your toast? - i dont eat toast

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? - a succulent

58. What would be you dream car? - mercedez benz 1982 300D in yellow

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. - i sing and dance in the shower

60. Do you believe in aliens? -youd be dumb not to

61. Do you often read your horoscope? - not really

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? - dont have one

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? - i dont exactly think either are cool.

64. What do you think about babies? - hatred.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. - ?

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rians--world · 6 years

Text

85 Questions Tag Game

i was tagged by the beautiful @blurredmxnds thanks babes!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (eee like 10 okay)

@neilminyards @henriettafoxes @angstie-gaykeepers @twnyards @steampunkburie aaaa just 5 then drftgyhu

— What was your last…

1. Drink: water

2. Phone call: ummm my cousin for like 5 seconds asdfg

3. Text message: my mama

4. Song you listened to: purple shoes by residual kid

5. Time you cried: oooo like a few days ago

6. Dated someone twice: ive never dated anyone yet!

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nah

8. Been cheated on: nope

9. Lost someone special: may be in the process of

10. Been depressed: lol yeah

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no

— Fave colours

12. yellow

13. soft pink

14. red

— in the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: yes! :luv:

16. Fallen out of love: ah no

17. Laughed until you cried: most defiantly

18. Found out someone was talking about you: oh yeah actually

19. Met someone who changed you: a bit but yeah

20. Found out who your friends are: yes

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: nope

— General

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: all of um my online friends are all on tumblr and discord asdfgh

23. Do you have any pets: 3 dogs, 2 cats, and my brother has 2 lizards

24. Do you want to change your name: already did lol

25. What did you do for your last birthday: had tea with my friends and family then got my noes pierced!

26. What time did you wake up today: noon ayy

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: rabbiting buzzfeed unsolved with my pals

28. What is something you can’t wait for: to graduate high school

30. What are you listening to right now: great british baking show

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: nope!

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: someone who cant see that theyre making the wrong choices

33. Most visited website: tumblr and discord

34. Hair colour: its bleached blond right now but im going purple in a week

35. Long or short hair: short

36. Do you have a crush on someone: not really

37. What do you like about yourself: my style and voc

38. Want any piercings: yes! i just got my noes and i want some more on my ears, probably my helix next

39. Blood type: i have no idea lol

40. Nicknames: dont have any that i like (the ones i have are deadname ones) feel free to give me one i love nicknames

41. Relationship status: single

42. Sign: pisces sun, taurus moon

43. Pronouns: any, i like them all

44. Fave tv show: criminal minds

45. Tattoos: i want lots but theyre expensive so probably only a few vbnfghj

46. Right or left handed: right

47: Ever had surgery: yep

48. Piercings: my ears and noes

49. Sport: i used to swim but now non

50. Vacation: i went to new york during christmas break!

51. Trainers: im not sure what this means aaaa

— More general

52. Eating: about to get a burger :yaas:

53. Drinking: water

54. I’m about to watch: great british baking show

55. Waiting for: foooood

56. Want: so many books my man

57. Get married: eventually!

58. Career: an english teacher and then a councilor, or owner of a book shop/ librarian!

— Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses: hugs

60. Lips or eyes: eyes

61. Shorter or taller: taller

62. Older or younger: older

63. Nice arms or stomach: arms

64. Hookup or relationships: relationship

65. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

— Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger: no

67. Drank hard liquor: ive had sips of some

68.Turned someone down: yes

69. Sex on first date: no

70: Broken someone’s heart: i dont know

71. Had your heart broken: no

72. Been arrested: nope

73. Cried when someone died: yes

74. Fallen for a friend: yes

— Do you believe in

75. Yourself: a little lol

76. Miracles: aaaa maybe

77. Love at first sight: nah

78. Santa Claus: no

79. Angels: nope

— Misc

80. Eye colour: brown

81. Best friends name: jess

82. Favourite movie: oof i have no clue ill just say the last one i saw: love simon

83. Favourite actor: dont have one

84. Favourite cartoon: ummm young justice? idk i watch alot

85. Favourite teacher’s name: mrs. robie

#about me #tagged #mine

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