#just posting these publicly since it feels more like I'm doing something or easier to hold yourself accountable if you make public

[icewindandboringhorror]

Daily Log 4

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Woke up late because I went back to sleep with a headache briefly, then kind of struggled to focus all day ToT

Worked more on the aforementioned tapestry/painting type of thing. I've done the base layer of painting for the main image, now I'm lining in darker outlines. I wanted to finish the center art before getting into the intricate borders. Still haven't translated the text lol..

Made a small bowl and also a little box with a lid out of more avocado pits. Still just with random nail cuticle tool things and kitchen knives, as I don't have proper carving tools.

Finished editing and proofreading the new poll adventure post!! I don't have time to post it tonight because I need to get to sleep early but.. I have it Completely 100% Ready.. finally..

Also washed the clothes I got together yesterday. Called about the bloodwork. Sent an email to a doctor.

Reviewed some writing documents to get back into my game maybe?? (basically, I started working on a visual novel type game a few years ago, decided it was a huge project so kind of put it on the backburner for a while in favor of things that were more easily finishable/tangible. then later on a game website I play (similar to neopets or something, there are collectable little creatures, etc.) there was an opportunity for me to design a pet on site, so I made a smaller shorter visual novel centered around that, where people on the site have to play the game in order to earn the pet, and I have a google form for them to answer a few short questions about it. All of the feedback is quite positive (reached 200 responses a while ago! though still only like 4 comments on the itch.io page lol.. Mandatory Form vs. Optional Comments evil showdown), but sometimes I get commentary that's really enthusiastic and inspires me to start back working on the OTHER bigger game. The small game was kind of like, a proof of concept that was safe because I had a guaranteed audience, that has helped me gain more insight for the larger one.

Anyway, since I've abandoned the Main Large Game for so long, I have to re-read and review/probably rewrite A LOT of things just to pick it back up again as A Thing I'm Actively Working On, so it's another one of those tasks that I do maybe 45 minutes of and then realize it's going to take days and days and get discouraged lol..

Notable sights: Saw two cats in windows. No clovers. It rained a little today but I didn't get to go outside and see it. One of the pieces of asparagus in the fridge was like the size of a carrot, comically overgrown downright ridiculous looking asparagus. Maybe I'll get taller after eating it.

Goals moving forward: Consistent sleep schedule. Focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Plant nasturtiums. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc.

Notable foods: ASPARAGUS AGAIN BABEY.. yeaAAAAGHHH asparagus squad !!!!!!

#just posting these publicly since it feels more like I'm doing something or easier to hold yourself accountable if you make public #declarations of goals and progress or etc. .. perhaps.. for now.. #I wonder if you can eat too much asparagus. Hopefulyl I don't get sick ghjbj #Still craving lots of savory foods and soups. Also in a big big worldbuilding mood. #Not enough to actually edit the worldbuilding slideshow videos apparently since I've barely done any of that all week #>:Y #(they are different though.. actively writing wolrdbuilding is different from like.. editing recordings of you talking about it #BUT STILL...) #In an ideal world I have a little house in scotland or canada or something and am sitting cozy by a window watching it #rain whilst I eat lasagna and like a huge buffet table of every single hearty food I am having Anemia Cravings for #and my cat is sitting near me and I am furiously sketching various designs for different worldbuilding details. I have finally found #a weird hermit platonic best friend I'm compatible enough to live with and they are up in the attic doing their own weird little hobbies #but every once in a while I can call them down and tell them about an idea so we can bounce concepts off of each other. I somehow walk away #with no heartburn or stomach upset or nausea despite eating 800 plates of craving foods. It's cold and summer #does not exist anymore but not in a Catastrophic For The Earth type of way more in a like.. I am in a magical bubble #that only affects my direct vicinity and sheilds me from the temperature ever getting above 65F #(also I have a comfortable amount of money and good doctors and reasonable health etc. etc. but that's a given in any Ideal Scenario lol) #oughh... I just want to eat hearty breakfast foods and think about elves for 5 hours.. is that so much to ask #Why must... responsibilities... capitalism... limited time and no energy to focus on 100 projects at once... why these things... #ANYWAY #daily log

[webecamethestars]

So, some of you may have noticed that I've been gone for a while, and I just wanted to talk about why!

I absolutely adore the Alterhuman community, but I feel very out of place here as well too. It's not that I feel unwelcome, but more that I don't really have much to say in regards to my identities since not that many people would be able to relate to my own experiences. And I've always held the philosophy that if I post something publicly, I want to know that at least 1-2 people are able to positively see themselves reflected in my message.

Also, I've noticed that the less time I spend in the community, the less dysphoric I get. I guess it's easier to exist as "human" when you're not constantly reminded of the fact you aren't one. But, also that, I wanted to focus on my personal journey with identity in a way where I didn't have to feel preformative. And, in doing so, I was able to confirm that I am Snow Leopardkin!

I've also been taking a lot of time to look at what I want to do with my Alterhumanity. I've been slowly building a personal faith/spirituality revolving around my identity as a Star God. Its amazing creating practices I can do to feel more connected to the earth and stars that feel entirely like me. But it's also taken up a LOT of my time and energy. Because, as it turns out, creating a personal faith to live by while also being atheist and having Religious trauma, is hard work lol

So, yea! I just wanted to pop in real quick, give you all an update on how things are going, and to let you know I haven't left the community or anything! I'm still here, I'm still proudly Alterhuman, and I'm still thriving!

Also, if anyone wants to know more about my lil personal faith, just comment below and I might make a post explaining some of the basics of the practices, beliefs, and how it relates back to me being Starkin!

#alterbeing #alterhuman #alterhumanity #nonhuman #not human #voidling #voidpunk #non human #nonhumanity #voidkin #void #voidsona #species dysphoria #stargod #space #starkin #devinekin #dietykin #deitykin #godkin #snow leopard kin #therianthropy #theriotype #therian #otherkith #psychological otherkin #otherhearted #otherlink #psychological therian

[slimy-vore-bog]

WARNING: groomer in the SFW vore community (serious)

Content/Trigger warning: discussions of grooming, mention of incest, and sexual and fatal vore

I am posting to tags to try to keep people safe!

This specifically occured in the Owl House corner of this community, but everyone should be warned

I will put the rest of the post below keep reading, but for now the person I'm accussing is known as "les-the-mess" on here and "LesTheMessy" on DeviantArt (I do not remember the discord name) and she is 23/24 years of age

And lastly that a real minor has been contacted by said person and made very uncomfortable (url will not be stated for their safety)

Remember to check everything I say for yourself, if you don't believe me; I would not accuse this person publicly if I didn't consider them a real threat All except the minor's statement are available online

I am feeling sick to my stomach that this happened and I don't know how to handle this. I'm going to tell this a bit more like a story so I can get it out easier

I was on DA (DeviantArt) when I saw something odd pop up; a vore edit of Catra and Adora with Luz and Amity as prey. I looked at it, because I am always up to find more sfw safe vore creators, but it was neither safe or non-sexual

There were clearly comments engaging with the art in a sexual way and the creator didn't discourage or delete said comments and the description itself mentioned how the vore was going to end with both prey characters dying.

This person had an identical avatar and near identical username to their URL here on tumblr and I was horrified as I knew that this person had interacted with a minor despite having "minors DNI" and that already gave me a slight prickling suspicion something was wrong (later learned she has even DMed them on discord...)

They had both minors and NSFW in her DNI so I didn't have anything to go after, as they didn't have any post with suspicious stuff here or followed any weird blogs and I brushed it off initially

Her posts on DA however... Very fucking damning: almost all their edits are of minors and adults in vore or of the character The Collector (Which is a child who is also a god; he is immortal, but at the point we last see them is mentally an 8-10 year old)

Now I didn't pick the most damning thing to screenshot, as it was too gross (unbirth incest between Luz the main character, her girlfriend and Luz's mother Camila) but here is one example of one of their posts:

Odalia/nickname Mamadalia is an antagonist of the show and an adult woman

Here is a screenshot of her account on tumblr:

Very lousily taken, but I was too distraught to care

I contacted the minor (who I am already friendly with, since I wanted to support the growth of their blog) as soon as I deemed this person to be a threat and the minor has told me that she has indeed acted weird towards them, but it only clicked now after I shared what I did...

The minors own words when I asked for details:

"I can't remeber what we talked about exactly since I deleted my discord in a panic-

But it was first of with the collector, at first it seemed harmless, but I started getting uncomfortable when it entered into the vore Stuff, like, I dont why but it rubbed me the wrong way but I didnt say anything since it sorta felt…uneasy to say the least, and i feel stupid because i never said anything about it

She also talked a lot about digestion aswell, and when I brought up the no minors thing- she said it was because she managed and 18+ discord server and it was okay for us to talk, and I feel this is extremely important to mention- she reposted your art to me without credit, I cant remeber everything but i hope this is enough"

Now the last thing I will say I don't have much of an opinion on, because of how severe the situation is, but I wanted to include the full message (Split up into paragraphs for easier reading)

I might have forgotten some stuff, but this is all I can think of right now

Please just stay safe, stay away and block/report this person!

#important #safe vore #toh vore #sfw vore #soft vore #gt vore #extreme cuddling #t0h vore

[bonsiii-art]

Your art is amazing! ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

I saw you were doing that ask game. And I would like you to answer #2, 5, and 14 :0

Thanks! Keep it up ^^

ohh, heck ye!! ψ(｀∇´)ψ The ask game for context!

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward, even)?

I think forward or left is easier for me! Forward because I could use the symmetry tool :> it's less work for me to visually comprehend. And left because I'm right-handed and so the lines flow a little better that way.

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself.

As of now, about 60% or so gets posted and the other 40% gets put away in my folders for me to look at from time to time. Though, that can easily flip when I'm in active social spaces, since I love drawing little sketches for those I talk to! And that ends up consuming my art brain power (ˉ▽ˉ；)... I had been drawing for myself more since last year and it's been nice! It's not like I haven't done that before, it's just that what I had done for myself and what I could post used to be overlapping. Now it's not so clear-cut. There are a lot of my interests that I don't make art of to post online because I don't quite talk about myself publicly a lot. <:D So if I were to post something different here, people would be like WOA where'd that come from??

14. Any favorite motifs?

❤ Hearts!! Most of my work is romantic/cute, so I end up drawing it a lot. Sometimes I feel like I put too many hearts in a piece and someone out there is yelling OMG we get it already!!

I think manpu or manga symbols counts, I do put them a lot in there. I just love how they look! :P

#bonsi talks #anonymous #weirdly specific artist ask game

[mctwinkdom]

Hi! About your post on reading good fanfiction: I'm writing my first fanfiction in this fandom at the moment and I feel a bit discouraged by the amount and quality of works that already exist. Is there anything you do to kind of get yourself away from that mindset that you can share?

That is a great question to which I'm not sure I have a great answer, but I'll try.

First of all, your work matters. Fandoms will not be the same without creators, and we are all thankful to them for sharing their works publicly and for free. Don't be discouraged by the amount and quality of works in our fandom, because you have the power to add to this amount and quality, and we all benefit from it. No matter what your fic is about, there will be people to appreciate the time and effort you put into it, and the stories you share.

Now, for the things I personnally do when I feel insecure (those are my coping mechanisms, I'm not saying they work for everyone):

- There are period of times where I simply don't read any fanfiction just so I can focus on mine, this way I don't compare my work to others.

- I talk to my tumblr buddies, whether they're writers or not. Finding a buddy is easier said than done, but it really helps to be hyped up by someone in your writing journey by sharing ideas and snippets with them.

- I convince myself: my ideas might seem self-indulgent, but there must be someone out there who will enjoy them, and who will be grateful to read something like that.

- I put things into perspective. I read plenty of fics I didn't like. Did I leave a bad comment on them? Did I report them? Did I break the author's fingers? No. I just closed the tab and moved on and let other people enjoy it. Some people will not like my fics, and that's okay. Plenty of other people will. I didn't receive ONE bad comment since I started.

- I think... I'll never improve if I don't actually write. Fanfictions are also a mean to experiment and a place to grow. I ain't a traditionally published author. And there's a freedom in that: you can publish what you want, as bad or as good as it is. That's powerful, to be allowed to try, to have NO standard or expectation to meet. And that's fun. You can have SO much fun once you realize how free you are. You can literally write whatever the fuck you want, like, how COOL is that??

I have no idea if those are helpful...

I guess my point is: there will be someone out there to enjoy your work. And the first person to do so... will be you. If you enjoy your ideas and what you write, frankly you already won. That satisfaction when you finish a fic hits Hard. You'll love it, you'll see.

And the fandom will be happy to have one more fic, one more author. We're lucky to have a rather big fandom, some don't have any content, so we can only be grateful.

So go for it!!! I'm cheering for you!!! Good luck on your first fic, I know how intimidating it can be!!! But it's worthy, I promise!!!

#anon #ask #writer advices #i suck at motivation speech but YOU GOT THIS #the fandom will just be happy to have another fic for real

[pochapal]

Zero offense meant but I feel like for the sake of the umineko liveblog's pacing, you'd be better off saving the analysis until after each individual Episode. Trying to figure it out mid-episode is kinda overkill.

no i get it! it's definitely something that i am conscious slows down the experience by a great deal and i can see how that wouldn't be for everyone. one thing to keep in mind is that initially the lengthy writeups/theoryposts were intended to happen only whenever i'd covered enough ground, but people then advised me to throw up thoughts as i went along, which eventually morphed into the liveread/theorypost structure of the liveblog since people wanted to see both my theories and reactions in equal measure lol. the only problem with this approach is that a) i am far too wordy for my own good and b) i am honor-bound to keep committing to the bit.

the lengthy writeup posts are simultaneously silly and serious because if i'm gonna be honest i could condense the half-dozen or so theories into a couple bulletpoints in shortform post straight after finishing the chapter, but at the same time i genuinely do have a lot to say about this story when i read it, and imo the sheer ridiculousness of throwing up dissertation-length discussion posts after every chapter is like 75% of the fun of this for me.

i also think it works to give both the liveblog and me as a liveblogger a distinct character, since bog standard off the cuff reaction is fun but i feel like there's only so many times someone will want to see a new umineko reader screaming at the same high stakes moment? idk i just like to put a more substantial part of myself into whatever i do and for me that reflects in a several thousand word sharing of my deductive process instead of just going "oh my god holy shit people are dying i'm shaking screaming throwing up", even though the latter is far quicker and easier content both in terms of production and consumption. i, however, am allergic to making Content on every level lol. plus i have a lot going on so taking my time to carefully ponder over what i've read and craft a writeup post lets me fit this liveblog around everything else i'm doing without feeling pressured to do weekly screenshot+react posting marathons and running the risk of burning myself out. i really am enjoying umineko, and reading it in the manner i am is the best way of ensuring it never starts feeling like a chore.

in any case i don't think i could ever hold off until the end of an episode before sharing my thoughts, because extensively thinking about the story as it's going on is the way i've always engaged with media. i'm always thinking and always developing theories and i am unfortunately one of those people who loves to figure things out as i go and this is something that will always be the case about me regardless of whether i am publicly sharing my thoughts or not. i really do understand that this style is not to everyone's tastes, and it's completely fair for you to make these points of criticism! this is just what works best for me personally as the person producing this liveblog.

#twisted-parabola #a liveblog sits very much in the gray area between let's play and critical analysis and sometimes friction arises as a result #nothing wrong with simple reaction content but largely i do want to produce something i can look back on and take pride in #and the way i am making this liveblog is the best way to feel that pride for me

[ginnsbaker]

I've been posting on Wattpad since 2018 or 2019, and while it takes a bit longer to gain views and grow your audience to how it is on places like ao3 or here, it's honestly worth the time it took for me to build my audience, while it is small those little weirdos have been around for so long and it's got a much different feel from ao3

Not to mention you get individual notifications for things like votes, and it's just more user interface friendly, it's cleaner and so much easier to interact with your readers and also watch your readers interact with each other.

Honestly I can sing praises for Wattpad all day but there are of course spam account's and the occasional hate comments but in general it's a great place to post anything from fanfic to a nonfiction biography on Freddie Mercury

Also the private messaging feature is really nice for requests or just like readers who wanted to say something a bit more personal but not publicly.

It's great if you're looking for an easier way to communicate and connect with your readers even though it can take anywhere from a few days to a year to grow a sizeable audience unlike ao3 it's a but harder to get an audience but once you do even if it's not as bit as it is on other sites it's still so much fun, I hope you enjoy it on Wattpad

Wow, thank you so much for sharing this rich insight with me. Actually, I've always heard about Wattpad since I've seen local movies based on it and I thought it wasn't a place for fanfiction.

You know what I like most about it though so far? The easy way I can make covers. Like, I love staring at my published stories with these beautiful covers. I'm shallow that way, heh

My readers are a bit quiet right now, but I've seen some works where people post comments in different sections of a chapter and I thought "wow that's so cool" and I think it's a great place for me to also publish original work in the future.

Again, thank you for sharing this. Hope I can follow you on there? :)

#asks #cocacola-cowboy #wattpad

[galaxythreads]

Why not just write a fic of the path u wish they took after thr dark world instead of making a video to tell the world why u personally dislike a movie? Why waste talent?

Anon, I want you to read the next words with as much compassion and gentleness as you can muster from text, because I do believe you're asking this genuinely, but do you have any idea how much time it takes to write a fic? I spend hours on a single chapter. I mean that. Usually, it's about ten, then I have to edit it. That takes another five hours. That's fifteen hours-ish per chapter. I usually average about 10-15 chapters per fic.

I have to plan it. I have to think about it. I have to figure out why the story is going the way it's going. I have to replan it. I replan most of my fics 3-4 times. that takes hours. Then there's usually the demon chapter per fic which takes 1-4 rewrites, which tacks on more time. I spend probably 3-4 weeks of time straight on a multi-chapter fic, which this would be.

Every time I start a fic, I have to be ready to devote that length of time or it gets abandoned or updated once or twice every year because I just don't have the energy.

This is completely disregarding the fact my mental health problems, which often cause set backs and delays as I try to cope with that. Fic writing is fun, but it's exhausting.

And this is just one part of it.

Another is that, anon, I genuinely just don't want to. Ragnarok has been out for almost six years. I've written multiple IW/Endgame rerwites (or at least IW-adjacent things, Porcelain, Drawing Keys With Water, Withering Away, We're A Mess Now, Huh? Empty, We Drown Together, the last half of Append) and almost nothing for Ragnarok except for Discolored. I have Avengers 1-adjacent things.

If rewriting Ragnarok was something I had any interest in doing, I would have by now.

And honestly, I don't know what I would put there instead. I don't hate the concept of Ragnarok. I own the movie on DVD, and have since like 2018? I don't hate it. It's actually really, really hard for me to loathe something entirely. Usually I'm like "I didn't like this part", but "this part was good!" All stories have nuance.

That's why there are a lot of people who like Ragnarok and the Loki series who follow me despite the fact I post anti stuff for both of them. Because I recognize there are good things about xyz and I'm not afraid to talk about that. So this is not going to be a video about everything wrong with Ragnarok.

I can get where you'd get that idea. My 3 part essay about the Loki series was extremely brutal and rarely brought up any positive, and I'm not happy about that. Honestly, I wish I'd taken a different approach with the essay and I probably will make another one about the series. But please have some compassion for me. I've had a YouTube channel for less than six weeks. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm still getting my feet underneath myself and I'm human so it's not going to be perfect.

I can understand why you'd feel really confused about why I'm bothering to make a video essay when, to you, it seems like it would be easier for me to just write a fic and shut up about it. Because fanfiction is often very quiet and private. YouTube is much more public. I get the impression you're a little frustrated with me, if not a little embarrassed that I want to explain why I didn't like the movie publicly, which is fine.

I love Justice League 2017 and it's often regarded to be a horrible movie. I have a Shrek 3 myself. I have a lot of them. It's impossible to love only perfect movies because there are no perfect movies.

Recognizing where stories failed is not passing moral judgment on them. Realizing why other stories work does not mean they're superior in some way. How To Train Your Dragon is a masterpiece, and I mean that genuinely* But WHY. WHY did it work when something like Netflix's Seabeast was less beloved, but had no less heart? The WHY is what I want to address in my video essays and I haven't quite figured out the formula just yet on how I want to go about that. Because, again, it's been like six weeks.

(*and for the record, HTTYD still has a lot of people who don't like it, but that's more so because it's not their type of movie, not because they think that it was written wrong. And YES HTTYD has its' faults because every story has its faults)

There are a lot of unhappy MCU fans who didn't like Ragnarok. WHY? why didn't they like it? Are they not allowed to discuss it just because there are people who liked it? No. You like Shrek 3, but that doesn't mean there can't be discussion about why Shrek 3 isn't a good story. Ragnarok fans and those who don't like it can coexist and it's okay that not everyone likes something. Sometimes a movie isn't for everyone, and that's definitely a factor, but for THIS MANY fans to have not liked Ragnarok, that means that Ragnarok did do something major wrong.

And it's not just og Loki fans who don't like it. It's og Thor fans, too. A lot was done right with Ragnarok, but just enough was done wrong that it bothered a lot of people and I think it's okay to explore what it was. Declaring Thor Ragnarok a masterpiece with no fault is ignoring a lot of people and I don't think that's fair. I'm going to talk about what Ragnarok did wrong because I find it interesting and I think it does deserve to be poked at. What I hope my essay will do is a) provide a little more compassion for people who didn't like Ragnarok and b) offer insight as to what Ragnarok could have done better.

#anon #answered #ragnarok

[vergess]

this is a personal af question that you do not need to answer publicly or at all esp. bc its for fanficish writing purposes but anyway so like how DO you, personally at least, deal with episodes of psychosis? because google tells me that the go to needs to be antipsychotics but 1. the context is a character who does not have regular access to them anyway 2. every one i have looked at has GOD AWFUL PERMANENT SIDE EFFECTS that seem to be almost guaranteed to happen? and my doctor oc would not subject that to anybody. the usual psychosis symptoms i write in my current rps are post-ictal and postpartum psychosis specifically because getting information about that from people who actually HAVE THE CONDITIONS is easy, and there seem to be other methods of dealing with them without antipsychotics (plus, you know, magic dnd for one, and pokemon psychic bs for the other) but finding information on how people with other forms of psychosis (in this case, schizotypal ftr) deal with it from their own perspective is almost impossible? it's ALL ableist bullshit from doctors which is why i am hesitant to trust the idea of "antipsychotics are the only way" :/ even reddit is not helpful here lol and i want to get this right? i know it's just tumblr rp/ao3 fanfic/discord rp that nobody important will read but me and my friends are trying to NOT be ableist shitbags on purpose you know?

Boy I really just don't answer tough asks over the winter months, huh.

I started keeping a closer eye on how media that I otherwise recommend depicts psychosis since getting this ask, and I'm disappointed to announce that over the last two months only two (2) pieces of media have been Normal About Psychosis.

So, the first thing to remember when writing a Psycho is: WE ARE WHOLE ASS ADULTS WITH ADULT BRAINS OKAY, we're not small children lost in a fantasy. We're not violent monsters out for blood. We are people who sometimes see, hear, etc things that aren't really there.

Writing a psychotic character competently isn't about curing them, or even about reducing their symptoms. It's about showing how they cope with those symptoms while carrying on with their daily lives.

I'm currently on the lowest possible dose of antipsychotic right now, and I will say two things about that. 1) the meds make reality checks and other coping skills MUCH more effective. 2) Even at a low dose, abstract and creative thinking are hindered. I don't feel hindered; but I have a 24 year long writing portfolio that says I sure as shit am hindered.

Whether a character will benefit from going on meds is going to be a balancing act. But since you aren't actually looking for meds advice, lets talk about those Other Coping Skills.

Broadly, I would split my skills into three categories: stuff for hallucinations, stuff for delusions, and stuff for dissociation.

So, first off, reality checking is my #1 go to for hallucinations.

You pick this skill up pretty quickly as a kid; everyone does. The difference being that where a non-psychotic person eventually gets to stop relying on others to tell them what is real, we get to keep on asking forever.

It's actually super exhausting to be in a crowded space because most of the nonverbal cues you come to rely on (eg, no one else flinched so that noise probably wasn't real) become INSTANTLY useless. Every noise, movement etc may of may not be real, and your only option is to either gauge other people's lack of reaction, or ask someone you trust for a reality check.

Sounds like an easy way for an abusive shit to control your entire life with no effort? It is!!

THAT'S WHY PSYCHOTIC PEOPLE ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED THAN THE GENERAL POPULATION.

Once you know if something is real or not, you can decide to ignore it. Like ignoring anything obtrusive, this is easier if you are in a good mood, physically comfortable, etc. An absurd amount of "coping with psychosis" is just constantly monitoring yourself and others to make sure you are reacting to the right things at the right volume.

Ignoring something that your brain insists is real and a threat is very tiring, so there's also a lot of sleeping.

Delusions are significantly harder to manage than hallucinations, IMO. Not just because, as a multiply marginalized person there are myriad ways that an ambiguous "them" is actually trying to ruin my life for real. Being on terror watchlists due to racism REALLY makes it IMPOSSIBLE to manage my paranoid delusions because some of the more insane shit is just real.

But there are other delusions that are easier to handle. Mostly, this comes down to self monitoring again. I can take an extra second to ask myself, "hang on, statistically speaking, how likely is it that this total stranger ACTUALLY wants to kill me?" The answer, of course, is "violent crime has been trending down for years, and everyone in this area thinks I'm white as long as I don't go outside during the summer, so I'm safe."

It's all about finding the information that helps keep you calm.

Because the absolute certainty that this is a murderer and you are walking into the slaughter will not go away. You just... take it on faith that this time will turn out as safely as the last 399 times.

It's just a shitload of observation, mimicry, and forcing myself to do things that feel dangerous by reminding myself that they aren't.

That shit sounds simple, but it's a CONSTANT fight; it never really gets easier, you just get used to it.

Which brings me back around to my meds again: I think I prefer it this way. My writing sucks, and I keep crying when I read it because it's wrong, it sounds like a field amputation. But god, I went to a cafe during the morning rush a few days ago, and the overload of noise and data only left me bedridden for ONE day. ONE!!! Not a WEEK!

Maybe losing my only art is okay in light of how much less bad things are.

Anyway, I can't remember the name of the 2014 short story about the One Person With Psychosis being wrongfully shunned by her colony because she doesn't feel affective empathy, in spite of her constant and perfectly reasoned moral code ensuring she is, if anything, the least dangerous person in town. I wish I could remember it!! It's a good example!!!

I haven't read it yet, but people I love and trust seem to generally agree that the psychosis in Harrow the Ninth is well written, too, so maybe check that out IDK

#answered asks #myfriendskickass

[thoughtsofdoll]

Art Day but Different

This is not what I'd normally post, but I wanted to explain what it means, which I don't think is obvious from just the picture.

This picture is my homework for October 12, 2023. My direction was: "Please find or draw something that reflects how it feels to be in my control- in silver". I admit that I had forgotten that I could find something as opposed to drawing something, and I'm letting myself believe that my unconscious had a point to get across to me that could only come out if I made something.

Ultimately, this picture is about disconnection.

I felt disconnected a bit from this homework right from the start, because silver is really fucking hard to photograph or scan properly. In fact, this picture has actually been converted to grayscale because it made it easier to see the lines. Not being able to accurately portray or explain my intent is a giant issue for me, but I had to let go of that and just make something.

So I started with a tiny little cube on the left side of the page, to represent me, and a Very Large Cube on the right hand side of the page, to represent Sir. I am small because making this homework made me feel small and inadequate, and he is large because he is Sir.

That was my complete original concept, but when I looked at it, it didn't seem complete after all. So, since Sir has me write lines so much, I thought I'd put lines between us, but even as I started doing that, it still didn't seem right.

I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but there is a place on my (extremely cheap) graph paper that is misprinted. The horizontal lines are out of alignment and there is a tiny gap going down the length of the page where they don't meet up. And that felt really appropriate to me, since I often feel very apart and disconnected from Sir since he is often busy and so very far away.

So I continued drawing lines between him and me, freehand and with a very loose hand, and where ever the lines where straight I connected them and where ever the lines were more wild I did not.

(Also because I wanted the lines to look interesting I made them into a shape and I swear I did not realize until after I was done that they kind of look like a cock.)

Normally I would not have posted this publicly, because it is rough and unfinished and crude looking; not a finished piece of art. But over on the Thoughts of Doll discord, we've been doing an Inktober art challenge, one of the points of which is that we are confined to a very short time limit in which to draw, so that our forebrains don't have time to fuck with us as we're making. And with this drawing I definitely think my unconscious mind had something to say, and not just to me.

You see, it's okay and normal to feel disconnected from the people in your life from time to time. And if you're in any sort of long distance relationship, whether it's D/s like mine and Sir's or romantic or a mix or whatever dynamic you have, it's important to acknowledge that it's work! It takes an effort to maintain relationships! It takes effort to find reconnection! And it's okay if you need to ask for help doing that!

That's what I think, anyway.

(Also, Happy Friday the 13th! Boo!)

agd

ps. Patrons, there will be a post just for you later on today!

And anyone who is interested in what it's like to be a doll (at least in my way) please do come explore my Patreon and see if you'd like to pledge and get access to bunches of other posts!

@hypno-sandwich

#Art Day #Art Day but Different

[yooniesim]

I know you're not gonna answer this publicly and that's fine, but the CF issue has been so obscured, people forget what they're fighting for. The amount of money the IDF receives from Curseforge is NOTHING compared to the money the receive from EA. So, by continuing to purchase and play EA products, everyone is contributing to the IDF way more than CF ever could. paying for your meds is more important than being woke on the internet. Everyone is a hypocrite.

I'm gonna answer it bc I'm genuinely curious- does the IDF receive money directly from EA in any way? Like, is there a record of that? Of course, they're definitely doing it through this partnership with Overwolf- they've made Curseforge more popular and brought them probably millions in ad revenue. But is there something other than that I haven't heard about? My searching since you sent this ask hasn't turned up anything, but you sound like you're referencing something I don't know.

As for the rest of your ask... well. There is some measure of hypocrisy in just about everything we do, I think. I believe I mentioned it in my initial post, but life is a balancing game. People no doubt go too far on the internet to compensate for their lack of action and sense of helplessness irl, that is a fact. But, you know, it's complicated. There's a lot of people here that just genuinely want to do the right thing. They're not trying to be hypocritical, they're trying to do what's right in a world where that seems hopeless. When it feels like you can do nothing irl, feeling like you can actually control right and wrong online is somewhat comforting. I'm speaking from personal experience here.

But the internet does have a habit of making every wrongdoing seem like the worst thing that's ever happened, ever, and it's easy to get swept up in that. Everything is like, in extremes, you know? You're either a good person or the worst person ever to live. All or nothing. So in your want to do good, you tend to only consider other people good if they are in the extreme- that is to say, they do everything right the first time, never have a bad take, never need to grow or change. "Good" people are put on a pedestal, and as soon as they fall, no matter by how small the transgression, they become "bad" and irredeemable. And to bad actors, they also become acceptable to mock and harass, which is another problem. But the people reacting are not all the same people with the same values, and they're not all doing it for the same reasons.

I don't think the issue has been become obscured, exactly, and I don't think it's because of hypocrisy at its core. First, I think there's a lack of information. People may not be looking to EA because they simply don't know the extent of their partnership with CF, and/or just aren't thinking about it like that. They see a post that says Overwolf funds the IDF and to boycott, and they do it, not much deeper than that. I think that's the primary and most innocent reason, and I think most people are in this category and genuinely well-intentioned. But secondly, there is some hypocrisy involved, because... well, they may just not want to boycott EA. Whether because of convenience, laziness, or the cognitive dissonance involved with realizing a lot of their favorite creators/influencers are therefore implicit. It's a lot easier to ignore the actions of people you really like than it is for those you dislike or don't really know of. Or they are a creator that is benefiting heavily from staying in EA's pocket. Finally, the smallest subsection of people in this example are people arguing in bad faith for whatever reason- those that just want a reason to attack someone, are trolling, or want to make themselves look or feel good. They're the minority, but they're loud... and some of them are unfortunately popular for some reason. Which magnifies their opinion. But all of these different types of people mix together, and that is what we see.

There's never going to be a perfect solution to this, but I think your concerns can be addressed partially by one thing: knowledge. If more people know EA's role and really think about it, the first category I mentioned- genuine, well intentioned people- will become on board with boycotting them the same way they're doing Overwolf. Will it affect the hypocritical people, trolls, and other bad actors? No, of course not. But it will help for those that genuinely believe in what they're saying and doing. I think reminding people to have a little bit more empathy will also help, in regards to the all-or-nothing attitude of the internet. It doesn't hurt to give people grace and remember that they can be struggling, too. That's why I (obviously) don't hate the creators that were/are still on CF. I don't know them, their lives, or their struggles. I hope that they'll eventually boycott, but if they don't, I'm not going to harass them. Just like I don't harass the workers at McDonald's or Domino's for working to support themselves and their families. I don't blame them for what the corporations they work for are doing. And I'm hoping others will eventually see it that way, too.

#asks #anonymous #ceci speaks #the curseforge issue #curseforge boycott #this got long for no reason #u didn't ask for this just like all of my other nonnies #but this is what u get #a book #nonny complaints #negative

[icewindandboringhorror]

Daily Log 3

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Not too much, stomach kind of upset today and my chest muscle aches/shoulders/etc. are still too irritated for like typing a lot or anything.. grr... At least it was less hot than yesterday, still not feeling great symptoms wise though.

Worked on painting the tapestry thing and getting more of the basic design down. Still don't have the Avirrekava text fully translated.

Recorded another sims episode for the let's play series on my games/side youtube channel because I just realized that I definitely won't be able to in the summer since it gets so hot in my apartment that my computer runs hotter too and I can't even play games lol, so I should get a few recordings out of the way as a backlog before it gets warm. I'm always so caught in the bliss of winter (favorite season, best season, ultimate season) that summer kind of sneaks up on me and I have a moment of realization like "OH gOds I only have like one month to get a bunch of things done that are way harder for me to do in the heat!!'' , and then scramble lol..

Wrote down a script for calling a few doctors.

Thought more about the religions and other cultural systems that exist in certain elven cities in the south, where the story I mentioned in the first Daily Log takes place. Drew the basic sketch of an outfit for one of their primary religious figures (kind of like priest robes?).

Put together a load of clothes but didn't actually wash them because by that point I didn't feel good, but at least I have them out for tomorrow lol.. hashtag ultimate productivity win

Notable sights: Found 19 four leaf clovers and 1 six leaf clover that's actually kind of a double clover? Like there's a clear spot on the stem where it's two 3 leaf clovers not entirely all the way merged. Saw 4 cats in windows, one cat actually outside roaming, and a rabbit in a tennis field. There was also a pile of rocks outside that was very nice, resisted the urge to pick one up and take it home for my rock collection. Watching a show about tudor monastery farms and there was a sheep on there that looked round and funny.

Goals moving forward: Same as yesterday basically lol.. especially post the poll adventure thing that has been sitting in a draft for weeks (I thought I would get it done today, but alas.. I don't even have to do much, just proofread and post it, I just keep having no energy/being preoccupied with other things/hurts to be on computer.. grrr.. I want to continue the story >:T.. for the second day in a row, nothing has changed lol..).

Notable foods: Not much of interest, but had salmon, my favorite fish. Also had a chia seed fruit snack sort of thing which was in a squeezy pouch, and I love anything in that sort of packaging so, very fun.

Really craving spicy udon, chicken wings for some reason (which I don't even like that much), and something like lasagna?? I'm probably vitamin deficient again from my weird diet and it's making me yearn for hearty savory foods.. evil... chronic anemia cravings lol..

#just posting these publicly since it feels more like I'm doing something or easier to hold yourself accountable if you make public #declarations of goals and progress or etc. .. perhaps.. for now.. #It's clover finding season apparently #so many good patches of clovers with lots of mutuation in them. Most of the 19 I found today were right next to each other spread among jus #t a few groupings of clovers. I think it runs genetically or something - so if you find one you're much more likely to find another #somewhere closeby. Or at least this is what I have found as someone who has like 150+ special clovers collected #I also really need to bleach my hair again before the summer but that's such a process... #I'll probably have to bleach it two more times to even get it light enough to dye it so. It's just like.. I wish I could have it done #all at once. I think anything that has to be done over multiple days makes me able to put it off more in my mind. #Actually just so so so so many things to do and it always feels like no time to do them..... AUghhhhhGG *collapses to my knees #in the rain like a dramatic character in a movie. wisps of rain soaked hair cloaking my face as my fancy velvet cape billows #in the stormwinds behind me. after a few moments you realize I'm also eating a little square of cheese whilst I sob #but am trying to hide it behind the hair that is flopped in my face and fumbling bc my evil vampire claws are too long* #ANYWAY #daily log

[elnierah]

Announcement of Writing Hiatus, Yet Too a New Adventure

TLDR: Pausing my writing/fanfics for an indefinite amount of time to pursue drawing. Not abandoning my projects, but need a change of pace.

Hello, my lovely readers! Long time no see...?

This post has been brewing for quite a while, but I've been my usual stubborn self and refused to publicly acknowledge my struggles until now. I gave myself a deadline to make a decision, and that deadline is now here, hence this announcement post. However, to explain a little... Since October of last year ( 2023 ), I've been battling against and contending with an intense bout of writer's block - pretty much right after the 2nd remastered chapter of YCTL released. I also wasn't enjoying myself in the fandom, nor was I content with some of the decisions Atlus was making at the time. With those combined, I genuinely debated leaving/deleting all of my work, as all it brought me was misery. I won't go into too much detail as I don't like airing negativity, but I ultimately decided a break from it all was required, from SMS and such. After a much-needed break and unforeseen support, my volatile emotions ebbed and I managed to see the light again, yet when I tried to return to writing, I felt my heart wasn't as enthusiastic about it as it once was. I even attempted to begin production on Yusuke's B'day fic earlier, thinking that maybe it was the chapter of YCTL holding me down, but that didn't really help either. I was and still am apathetic towards my writing. I don't feel excitement, enjoyment or anything joyus towards it anymore. All I currently feel is frustration and annoyance whenever I try. It's easier to chalk this up to writer's block, because, well, that's ultimately what it is, but it's quite a severe case, unfortunately.

Around New Years, a friend of mine gave me their old drawing touchpad/tablet as they had upgraded, and I've been enjoying experimenting with it and tapping into my childhood hobby/interest since. While doing so definitely has those natural creative frustrations, I've been able to aspire beyond them, and that is ultimately what made me realise what creation should feel like again, and all of the above. It was akin to a wake up moment, one where I realised my relationship with writing as a whole had degraded and just trying to 'willpower' through it was impossible. I do not wish to abandon my projects or writing as a whole, but the reality of the matter is I cannot create anything of worth in my current state - trying to force myself will only lead to hatred, and I really don't want to lose my love for writing more than I already have.

These last 3 months have made it clear I need a change, and so I debated how to proceed forward and ultimately decided it would be wise for me to put my projects on an indefinite hiatus, yet instead of simply mulling over that fact, I should shift my creative energy towards other methods and explore different creative outlets whilst my burnout heals. I, unfortunately, cannot give a timeframe for when I may return to writing, as these issues have a mind of their own, but I'm hopeful this will be a step in the right direction. In the meantime, I plan to pursue drawing again as I've found it rather fun, despite the lulls, but this will primarily be a 'behind the scenes' venture, as I am still very much a fledgling artist and do not harbour any confidence regarding posting my artworks. I'm hopeful pouring my creative energy into something else can facilitate my growth, instead of remaining stagnant as I have the last few months.

As for my accounts, I plan to resume my activities on SMS. I've gone dark the last 2.5 months as I really needed it and wished to spend time with loved ones without these mental pressures, but now that I can see a path forward, I want to enjoy my place within the fandom again. I'll primarily be doing as I always have, posting miscellaneous stuff and supporting other creative individuals - just without the chapter updates and whatnot. Who knows, I may even post some of my artwork that I find decent enough.

To showcase my dedication to this new adventure, I drew a small fanart and wish to share it with you all! I did want to draw something a little more substantial, but the weather here is brutal and there's some other, unrelated, changes occuring in my life at the moment, so I'm rather busy. Regardless, I hope you enjoy this little piece - a piece indicating my wish to forge ahead, no matter its form! ᕙ(✧ヮ✧)ᕗ

This post has been going on long enough, so I'm going to conclude it with a few more words. But ultimately, I am still very passionate and love P5/shukita/kitashu, the form of which I express it is just going to shift for some time! Thank you all so much for your understanding, I honestly wouldn't be here without you all as your support has been paramount throughout the years! I hope this leads to a fruitful future for us all!

❤️❤️❤️💙💙💙

PS: Yes, I had to draw both variations of the ship as I love them both equally~! ヽ(♥ ³♥)ﾉ

#you cure the light #yctl #I want to draw a piece for P3Rs release #I miss this feeling of burning inspiration #so I'm going to cherish it for as long as i can! #THANK YOU EVERYONE~~~

[somnolancee]

I'm trying to think of a nice way to say this... maybe it's kinda harsh, but right now my biggest piece of advice would be to stop talking about the amount of views/attention your stuff gets altogether across socmed. You need to act confident about your art and stuff even if you don't actually feel it, because seeing you talking about "flopping" and stuff can be really off-putting to people... even to older fans of your work it can eventually get kinda too much. Treat your work like it's already popular, don't get so invested in views, or even if you are, don't show it. I know this sounds harsh, but it's the best advice I can give right now. (TBH, I don't even recommend answering this publicly bc it'll draw attention to the issue, so feel free to just delete it after you've read it.)

I will actually answer it because some of y'all here don't follow me on other platforms and are probably not aware of what has going on since a year about my content or my OC in particular.

You werent harsh thanks for being honest I rather prefer that but I'd have preferred you to not being anon since I could have replied you in private /nm

I honestly don't care if it's bring to attention.

Alright.

First I'm so sorry for expressing my concerns and fears in public, I forgot I was an artist so people are just here for art and art.

But I'm also a human.

I always tried to be confident with my work but I just can't because in the end something always happen.

Since a year I deal with something in the Cookie Run fandom regarding my content and OC and it really took a huge toll on me and you will pardon me if I became anxious and paranoid from now.

I won't explain everything again but I did a doc not long ago so you can have a look 🤷

Easier said than done, it happens to everyone to feel like that, everyone have these days but again I'm sorry I forgot I was an artist and needed to post art here and nothing more.

I do my best to not vent too much but I'm sorry if sometimes I do it anyways.

Anyways I deleted the previous blog post and never will do it again.

Also sorry if I hurted people because of that post or my words, never been my intention.

Lesson learnt.

Btw don't give hate to anon please I really wanted to answer honestly and I hope it didn't sound mean nor anything !!

Take care everyone 🙌🫶

#dreamie's asks

[notasimpleslater]

ok I'm not going to dwell on this for obvious reasons, but that article + Ethan coming off of priv made me think some things and I'd like to just get them off my chest... Basically that article provided absolutely nothing new and just rehashed the same stuff the PR machine has been pumping out for 2 months, which doesn't make sense considering there was no new news for a long time. Which leads me to believe that either 1) Ari/Ethan want to go public with their relationship, or know that pap pics

are coming soon (this is more likely considering how recently Ari and Ethan were both in NYC); or 2) Ari's team is finally getting it's shit together, maybe she's got someone new in charge of this scandal, and they wanted to put out one blanket statement under this new leadership to start them out cohesively. i think this is equally as likely since even though her album re-release, perfume and makeup launches have been generally recieved well by fans, if you click on any news piece about her 99% of the time the #1 comment is something about spongebob or her being a homewrecker and the new damage control team needs to establish themselves sort of publicly but also secretly, if that makes sense. and as for ethan coming off of priv, that leads me to three theories: either 1) he's hired someone to completely overtake his socials (prob an experienced PR manager who is gonna be handling everything that gets posted to that account from now on); 2) he's contractually obligated to post things for wicked/spamalot and those teams have basically enforced his contract, forcing him to come off of priv, or 3) he and ari have broken up. tbh i think him and ari breaking up would be enough for him to come off of private, since as soon as that news breaks all of the people who were only following him bc they were invested in the scandal will likely leave him alone. i mean he's gained 10k followers since he came off priv and the number is growing literally by the second, does anyone know if that's how it works when you come off of priv with a bunch of follow requests, or do they all get added at once? other than that article there's been no news so a bunch of people flooding him today doesn't make sense, but seeing how the number is going up bit by bit instead of all at once is making me sus. either way i think that either the news that ethan and ari are broken up, or something very big in terms of their relationship is coming.

Good morning anon! Thanks for sharing because I've been having some thoughts as well.

I'm gonna answer this in parts just to make it a little easier.

About the article coming out: I think the biggest reason for an article like this (with no new info) coming out is because Ariana has new management now. Whether or not the info in the article is true remains to be seen, but like you said it seems like her team is trying to get their act together.

About Ethan coming off private: Oof, that would make me really sad if he hired someone else to run his socials lol! I think the most likely scenario are one (or both) of the second two options. Spamalot begins previews on October 31, so rehearsals are prob gonna start within the next couple of weeks. His rapidly growing following is very strange, as I'm typing this he's at 109K. I think what you said about his follow requests being added after coming off private is correct because no one seems to have noticed that he's public now. I noticed he was public in the evening (I live in EST timezone for reference), and his following just started gradually growing since then.

I have a feeling that something big might be coming out soon.

#answered asks #anonymous #ozgate

[fountainsofcyprus]

Just a warning before I start, I'm going through a break up rn so I'm gonna post about it on this blog as a way of speaking to Aphrodite, but if it's not something you want to see, feel free to block the tag "break up vent" If that applies to you, stop reading here.

A lot of things hurt about this, but part of it is how they voiced their reasoning. About how they loved me so much but it wasn't working for them. I knew that it was coming, they'd been so dry since they left earlier this month. And it's like, I understand, but also, why did they have to be mean to me during that time? Why did they have to make me feel like I was the one not doing enough to keep the relationship alive? As if I wasn't always the one starting conversations, asking them more about their day and the things that interested them. Why couldn't they just be honest and tell me that long distance was too much? Why did they feel the need to propose a month before, announce it publicly a week before, only to break it up now? I think it's worse when I think about how they're not a bad person. I'm trying to make them look like the bad one in this so I can get over it quicker but I know it's not true. I keep wanting to talk to them, ask them why they waited, why they reacted this way, if we could still be friends, because it pains me to think that I'm probably never going to see them again, never hear their voice again. But I know it's not healthy. And what would we even say? I knew it wasn't gonna work out, we're too different, our life goals are too different. But for some reason I just refused to give up on what I knew was a lost cause. I knew it'd just make it hurt more when they would inevitably realize that too, but I still did it. Maybe I didn't want to be the bad guy who breaks the heart of someone who truly loves them. I should've listened to the red flags in the beginning. It's so weird to think that it's ended. Two years down the drain. I'm glad I have my friends, but at the same time I feel like they don't really get it. I'm back in my shell when it comes to emotional vulnerability, so that's something I'm gonna have to work on again. At least I'm not starting from 0 this time. I'm so tired but at the same time I don't want to sleep because I keep dreaming about them. Which is only slightly worse than being awake because I still keep thinking about them. At least when I'm awake I know that whatever I'm imagining has been made up by my brain.

I don't like how much I miss them. I'm trying not to think about how they might be feeling because it makes it worse. It'd be so much easier if I knew there weren't any feelings left.

#break up vent