#just. depression u kno

[muselexum]

<3

#sending you all so much love #it's crazy how a year has zipped by #every so often i'll come by and check up on the dash and i love seeing all the familiar names <33 #I'll prolly write a more official post in the new year at some point #but im so eager for this work contract to end at the end of this year #im grateful for the job in many ways but in others it was really burnt me out and drained me #ready to turn a new leaf in the new year #and hopefully get some of my creative motivation back when my mind clears #ive put even art/painting on the sidelines as well this year which is something im sad about #but on the positives I think ive had a lot of personal and emotional growth this year that im really proud of!! #(still dont have a driver's license though.. LOL OOP) #and ive really worked on my anxiety and depression. like even if this job is burning out and depressing me// I don't feel DEPRESSED ya kno. #ive just been experiencing a lot of personal growth and change #and the people around me in my life have told me that they've seen changes in me this year too so :') #BUTTTTTT #I so so miss my creative outlets and I feel like I've neglected that this year #I went from escapism to fully avoiding the outlets so now I think it's time to transition into the healthy middle #anywaaaay #hope yall have been doing amazing #love u all and ill probably pop in here for the holidays <33 #blows u all kisses #ooc #tbd

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#tfw u spend the day being catastrophically depressed then u remember how kush1na uzumak1 is treated by the plot of #narut0 and u get so fucking angry that u stop thinking abt how miserable u r for 2hrs as u furiously draw out an idea #it makes me so fucking mad. but like in a way that fun bc its like who cares its not that serious #and when i get depressed i just like. i dont give a fuck abt anything. there is a film between me and everything and nothing can touch me #except apparently my fucking insane feelings about narut0. like im genuinely so embarrassing when ppl irl make the mistake of talking abt #narut0 to me irl. like i get SO excited. i move my arms a lot and stamp my feet and just get real enthusiastic and my voice goes all weird #and i cant get my thoughts straight bc i have so so so much to say. which is like fine. its just embarrassing to me personally #bc i kno i tent to stay on the subjects im interested in for way longer than most ppl would probably enjoy #and after i watched star trek into darkness in hs i was like at my peak star trek phase and i was talking a mile a minute #and then my sister was like: y is your voice all weird? and it was like she slapped me in the face. slapped me thru time. u bitch 😭 #this is y im not allowed to enjoy things 😭 also bc im annoying abt it. ugh. anyway. point is i got so mad abt the misogyny of kishimoto #that i forgot how fucking awful i was feeling for a minute. so thank u for hating women so much u fucking bastard lol #when will i post the idea im planning? who tf knows. its gonna take. well idk how long itll take #unrelated

[ophiotartarus]

Pvris’ songs are all so fucking griddlehark

and Oil and Water????? perhaps the most of them all

#hi #griddlehark #the locked tomb #pvris is my favorite artist and ever since finishing the books her entire discography is just… perfect for them.. #especially those angsty early albums 😭 #it makes sense though like she makes spiteful depressed lesbian music so like OF COURSE it fits u kno u feel u get it

[meeko-mar]

BRO if it turns out that Izuku is in fact avoiding any real conversation with Katsuki about the war arc, what Katsuki did for him, the apology, and just overall FEELINGS about Katsuki...If he is supressing and avoiding all of that trauma and baggage...

Because he fears those feelings for him? Because he is actually, wrongly assuming that he is in this way doing what the Vestiges say, and "controlling his heart" ?? Because he thinks that if he talks about these things, if he thinks about them too long, the dam will break and he will lose control??

What a nice, big slap in the face for those Dudebros who like Izuku better as a dark gritty edgelord than a "whiny crybaby", that Horikoshi is making one of the biggest themes in the manga turn out to be

NOT SURPRESSING YOUR HUMAN EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS ABOUT A PERSON YOU CARE DEEPLY ABOUT.

Extra points if it pairs with actual Canon BKDK.

Horikoshi really is out here with Deku saying FUCK Toxic Masculinity.

If this happens I'm gonna flip

#bnha spoilers #bakudeku #IMAGINE A WORLD #Dudebro fans not liking Deku for being emotional sensitve and easy to tears just is WILD #like there are other animes you can watch instead of forcing yourself to watch this one and shit on the MC u kno #Accepting no deku slander #anime dudebros #this is my epiphany of the day #dont get me wrong I love a vigilante deku as much as the next nerd but #our boy was literally DEPRESSED and driving himself mentally and physically ragged #It should not be celebrated as BEST DEKU #It was a ding dang cry for help #ironically brought about by feeling the absolute need to not involve anyone else #dude bros need to pay attention to the text because they're missing the points

[sadiiomane10]

Why does no one ever take u seriously, I've been living in this body for 25 yrs I kno what I'm feeling and experincing and when things are wrong, I don't want attention, fuck Idec about myself that much but I'm not making shit up, why am i screaming into the goddamn void

#why am i fighting for my own voice to be heard #just for others to do say 'i dont think' #u dont fucking kno me #weve had a 20min convo #thats not the full fucking story #think what u want #but im still valid #just blame my depression on everything its cool #its cool #also if was healthy enough to exercise GUESS WHAT I FUCKING WOULD #I WOULD I WOULD DO EVERYTHING I CURRENTLY CANT #AND THE LAST THING I WOULD BE DOING IS CALLING YOUUUU #'u have to help yourself' oh really u deal w 24hrs of absolute agony #and lets see how far u get #and then tell me i need to goddamn exercise #im so angry i wanna cry #the cure to depression is exercise and Pilates but u cant do that if ur physically ill so die #and i didnt even call for this #i called something else entirely and got this lecture #what a waste of time

[tyrianlynch]

Didn’t eat all day bc no appetite and my mom was mean to me over the phone and I didn’t get anything done that I wanted to and I’m seeing friends tomorrow but now I’m questioning if they’re actually my friends and the comic series I’m reading is too expensive for me to continue reading

#everything is awful #although it is possible I’m just depressed #will let u kno

[hirokiyuu]

i want to know more about your ocs pls! does/will your dnd rogue get less fucked up? also why are they like that? also what detail about them is most fun to you?

YEAHHHHHHH TY FOR THIS ONE MENKHU!!!!!

yukina (aka akiko aka airi aka haruhi aka whatever her fucking robot number was.......) is my dnd pc from my very first campaign and she has major problems disease. uve probably seen my art of her bc i draw her all the time shes This girl:

ok so like. yukina's whole thing is that she Grew Up In Poverty, Forced To Steal To Survive....!!! but uh. also she has a twin brother who's very ill. and he does not know she does this. so. she's like OBSESSED with image and perception and how she is seen by those around her right. her entire aesthetic is put together based solely on "what's the least disarming way to look at all moments" right. thats why shes got hte big poofy skirts nad the silly hat and all that. bc it makes her look less Dangerous than she actually is

unfortunately she does not get less fucked up <3 in fact pretty much everything that happens to her makes her worse and worse and worse and even when she finally is able to be honest with her brother and they reconnect for the first time and she's able to tell him she loves him and she hates him and she's not the person he thought she was, and he says thats ok, the immediate aftermath is. her getting executed for high treason and her brother saying he didnt know she would do THAT

basically it goes like. things are bad > she gets exiled and things are worse > things are REALLY BAD (time travel to the future) > things are ok? (brother is alive and also immortal) > things are again bad and getting worse constantly > things are ok and maybe will continue to be so? (world saved and also brother is reconciled with) > THINGS ARE TERRIBLE THINGS ARE SO SO SO BAD THINGS ARE BAD SHES BEEN EXECUTED AND THINGS ARE BAD

after she gets executed an evil god snatches up her soul and she tells him how to make a fantasy nuke. so thats cool. then he turns her into a robot So That's Cool (scremaing)

we stopped the campaign around then bc of rl stuff for everyone but i do occasionally think abt yukina's execution and go feral bc everything in her life is so terrible. her only friends are a ten year old gremlin and the guy she's in love with who's got a metaphorical locket filled with nothing but pictures of himself and he lets her down every single time she needs him hahahahaha

i got so depressed abt this i made her an npc in my campaign. sure she's working customer service (lol) and magically shackled to the Worst Possible Lesbian In Existence but like. well. actually i cant talk abt how things are different bc i have a party member on here. but it could be worse!

honestly my fave detail is probably the name thing tho. her name at birth is 秋子 (akiko) which is just autumn child right. 雪菜 (yukina) was hte next major name she used (snow vegetable for winter) and her next was going to be 春日 (haruhi, spring day) as a more obvious callback to akiko. if she made it out of the villain stuff and became like. reformed? or at least not executed again for uhhh Fantasy Nukes i probably wouldve gone w/夏目 (natsume, summer eyes) as her final name. unfortunately we did not keep playing and now she is in hell forever with the devil <3

side note her first fake name (the one she used when she was still at home but thieving) is airi, which can be written as 愛利 (love/profit) or愛理 (love/truth) LOL which was it meant to be? who knows! it was never written down

#TYSM FOR THIS ONE i think abt yukina all the time #asks #menkhu #her tag on my blog is #one track heart #btw so if u see some weirdly depressing post tagged that. its not me its abt her #also #dead girl in the pool #is her post execution tag. so u kno. im fine its just Her #but yes anyways i think abt her still always #i think abt her + cormar (her not love interest) a lot too tbh #thinking abt how after she got killed he tried to get her body back + get her resurrected #and he just totally failed <3 and had to let her soul go <3 #and she ended up working with the evil god instead <3 <3 <3 <3 #cormar is soooo useless and she likes him so much <3 #(thinking abt npc yukina) its fine its fine everythings fine

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload? #me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃 #listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary. #like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

[teruthecreator]

man i shouldve never told anyone i was planning on quitting i shouldve just done it and told everyone afterwards bc now im like contractually obligated to call my mom every morning and she’s only gonna make me more stressed and actually scratch that i shouldve just killed myself and in my suicide note wrote about how i wouldve quit my job but i knew everyone would be mad at me for it so instead i decided to end my life to make things easier. i could still do that 

#in neg city #i just hate how much my family doesnt trust me or like supports me in any capacity other than stressing me out more #again i didnt expect my mom to like my decision. but i thought i had talked to her abt sometimes i just wanna Say Something #without a million solutions or opinions #but i guess she just doesnt care to hear me at all and would rather be like HMM NO YOU NEED TO GET ANOTHER JOB FIRST #even tho being at this job is LITERALLY killing me i am actively getting worse being there #and nick and brianna arent being sympathetic at all either. brianna most of all #which is bold of her to do since shes clinically diagnosed w depression so like. bitch u should kno most of all what it feels like #but noooo shes like 'i think being at home just applying for jobs will make u worse' IT WOULDNT THO. IT WOULDNT #I COULD USE THAT TIME TO FIX MY SLEEP SCHEDULE AND WORK ON MYSELF #INSTEAD OF EXISTING SOLELY TO EARN MONEY TO DUMP INTO RICHER PEOPLES POCKETS #GOD. WHY DOES MY FAMILY NOT GET HOW AWFUL OF A POSITION IM IN RIGHT NOW #OR IF THEY DO GET IT WHY DONT THEY CARE #THEY SAY THEY CARE BUT THEY NEVER HEAR ME OUT #AND IM HONESTLY JUST LIKE SICK OF IT I REALLY AM

[tinyspringtrap]

catch me shoveling springtrap content directly into my brainstem for maximum serotonin production to fend off The Depression Spiral

#sassy says #as strange as it may sound it is very effective at keeping The Depression Spiral at bay #i dont understand why mind you #but im not about to question /anything/ that keeps my depression from spiraling #moldy rabbit man isn't the worst thing to induce contentment #there are far worse things i could hyperfixate on honestly especially with my track record of nearly setting things on fire #i have just a touch of pyromania. i fucking love fire. love setting things ON fire #havent done it in a good while though bc I have learned impulse control. #but god damn if setting a good fire doesn't just make me giddy u kno. #its the small things in life. #and now i really wanna set something on fire god fucking damnit #thinkin bout fire... #im gonna distract myself with overwatch and hope the urge to set a fire goes away lmao.....

[thefrostysoldier]

my tumblr experience has now returned to the 2012 experience of scrolling down my dash in the morning until i reach the previous night's posts and it's wonderful

#no more endless scrolling for me #it does kinda suck when i am in an adhd-depression mood and i don't have anything to do bc i automatically open the app #and there's nothing new #but that just forces me to either do something else or mope until i do something else instead of just mindless endless scrolling #i would spend HOURS mindlessly and endlessly scrolling and it was great but also made me feel Not Great bc it's not rly anything; u kno ? #idk #ANYWHO #i am caught up on tongl for the morning so now i have to get up and do stuff unfortunately #i gotta pack bc i am moving back home from uni for a couple of weeks before finally moving into the house for next year ! #i hate packing but am excited !!! #also i am gonna have to stay an extra day or so bc i REALLY need to clean after my room is empty bc it gets so shitting dusty in here #bc i live right near the train tracks #smh #i forgot what i was talking about #i might just watch or play something for an hour #and then pack this afternoon after i have my second med #my flatmate just went into the kitchen i might go scare him and ask to borrow some milk #text post #my posts

[graysongraysoff]

maybe this is just my brain being bad but sometimes i do wish my friends would just. admit i am bad at things. lol. like it's ok you don't have to be nice about it i am watching me suck at this, too, we are all seeing the same thing.

#but then i know if one of them WAS like 'yeah u suck lmao' i would also not like that so. idk. #it just feels disingenuous though u kno #like i'm not stupid. i mean i am but u kno what i mean. #negativity cw #tbd #i am probably just. tired. pmsing. depressed. idk. pick an excuse.

[eachmostremembering]

,

#don't reblog #I got older a couple days ago #it was something #usually my various anxiety disorders are kicking my ass but depression is Kicking My Ass u kno #i need to shower #i need to wash my hair gosh i can't tell you how bad my hair needs to get washed #i need to clean my room it's like a cesspool #i bought a little sample hask mask b/c i don't have the energy to use my deep conditioner #i've been getting into wash n gos in the last year-ish because my hair's not long enough to really braid/twist and using a botanical gel #to seal in moisture which lasts for like a week #(i'm a 4c girly) #but the idea of taking care of my hair with my normal routine and deep conditioning with heat makes me wanna retreat into a moss hole lol #I've been mentally ill my whole life #i will be for the rest of my life #but i just. i just want to turn it off #i just want everything quiet #but i also know a different me. or maybe a me who was as good at suffering as she was used to it #could do achieve more. might be miserable but would have something to Say for herself. #but i don't. i don't. #ella rambles