#knowing if they'd ever see them again

[quickhacked]

Mikhail and Vitali were inseparable; when they weren’t studying or getting into fights, they would hang out at Mikhail’s place to smoke and get drunk on cheap rum and vodka, to then pass out in each other’s arms and sleep most of the next day away. They promised each other— no matter what would happen— they would never leave each other’s side. Yet after starting university and college respectively, they did not see each other for a little over six years, leaving them both heartbroken and wondering what went wrong.

by lucas expedidor // catch me if you can; eden // clementine von radics, from 'courtney love prays to oregon' // sam sax, cruising: a broken tiara // 'ceramic home' by heavensghost; quote from john murillo // 'something's changed' by laiikastears // i don't want to watch the world end with someone else; clinton kane // fortesa latifi, from 'the truth about grief' // audre lorde, the evening news // frank o'hara, biotherm (for bill berkson) // heading home; ruben // 'preface to a dream' by alessandra casini // tokyo; caroline kole // langston hughes, poem // haruki murakami, norwegian wood // julie buntin, marlena // by lute // by aleksandr popov // anyway; noah kahan // christa wolf, cassandra: a novel and four essays

#cp2077 #edit:mikhail #edit:vitali #nuclearocs #nuclearedits #happy birthday to my two boys :^) yes they share the same birthday what about it. it's essential to their whole. thing #whatever it is. they're like soulmates but also they are NOT dating. i need you to understand that. because it makes everything funnier #you guys remember when i first introduced them here and people thought they were together. good times honestly #but yeah no vitali is officially dating vincent and mikhail is just their eternal third wheel. their relationship can't be defined #they also reunite of course but i LOVE emphasizing their grief. they didn't know they'd ever see each other again #and they've known each other since around age 12. imagine spending almost every day with someone who CHOSE you #and then suddenly not seeing them or talking to them for YEARS. what do you do with that grief. that pain #sure they've found each other back but what do you do with that. where do you put it. it makes me insane!!! #they both were so lonely in their own way. vitali getting lost in vices and crowds but ending up all by himself at the end of the day #and mikhail drowning himself in studying and pushing himself far over his limits just to distract himself from the hole in his chest #night city in my head is much more massive than what it feels like in game. like yeah it feels big but not. BIG big #and i think mikhail and vitali's story and them losing contact while only a district apart really emphasizes how like #how HUGE this city is not only in terms of actual land it covers but also just. how overwhelming it is. how it can swallow you whole #anyway if you've read all of this hi. wanna make out

[bylertruther]

society if the duffers had gone through with their original plan to have mike go to the upside down in s1 to find will

#byler #it's enough for me to know that he WOULD but i still would have liked to see it........ but i guess there's still s5..... sniffles n cries #when will's ankle gets caught in a vine n vecna goes YOINK n u just see mike's eyes go crazy wide as he starts sprinting after him faster #than he ever has tripping stumbling falling in a very mike fashion but he keeps going n he doesn't make it in time but it doesn't matter #it doesn't matter bc he's NOT going to lose will again he's NOT going to lose him on HIS watch a-fucking-gain he won't he CAN'T #and maybe it's a party affair so he looks back at lucas n dustin who are almost there and they're screaming after #him BECAUSE MIKE WAIT STOP MIKE WE DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT WEAPONS but mike just furrows his brow and goes in #bc he's the heart he's the paladin he's going to lead them and he's going to save will because will needs him but also he needs will #and. and um. well. then i fucking die of course #OR COULD U IMAGINE IF will goes on a solo mission and he thinks he's managed to sneak away but mike pops up like 'what are you doing? 🤨' #bc he always sees will and he always knows when something is up and it's a crazy plan but they did say crazy together and that they'd be a #team no matter what and that they would kill vecna so liek. do u see what im saying are u seeing my visions are u feeling my insanity rn . #they get surrounded or trapped somewhere and will casts fog cloud n saves the party like he did in a previous campaign. etc etc #dustin is their bard who has snacks n keeps things lighthearted mike leads the way n will is at his side n lucas is their eyes n ears n it' #almost like one of their campaigns bc the show started with that and those were their roles when will was missing and now it'll end #like that and so on n so forth. nods mhm mhm #takes deep breath ok back 2 studying i go byeeee

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Sometimes I’ll be feeling normal and then BOOM. I remember that people who work on Hilda know about sketchbook. And my sanity goes down the drain.

#sketchbook ship #sketchbook ship hilda #like do they think about us??? when theyre working sometimes??? #do they see the script and go 'oh the sketchbook girlies arent gonna like this lmao' #or 'heh bet those weirdos will turn this around to their favour somehow' #with knowing more abt hilda's family apparently being A Thing in the new season #(I havent read any of the tie in descriptions though) #(for avoiding spoilers reasons) #I wonder if they were ever working on some scenes while knowing plain well we'd lose our minds (negatively) #(i am once again promising to not be the toxic kind of fan if I end up not personally enjoying the content) #or if like. if any of them ever got to work on a scene of sketchbook together in a room #if they'd be going '>:)' the entire time and knowing full well they'd get to hear us screaming about it on tumblr dot com

[designernishiki]

sometimes i kinda wish mirei wasn't killed off because boy the divorced exes dynamic with majima could've been so god damn funny

#everyones seen my 'if you see my ex-husband at pride' post. thinking about that sort of thing #like yeah i know y5 said they werent exactly on bad terms (though i think that was vague and debatable considering the way she #recounts her backstory with haruka not really painting him in a great light- for understandable reasons mostly dont get me wrong- but my #point is . i think there may have been more passive aggressive animosity lingering in there than what was presented in the romanticized #retelling of the story later on in the game basically). but come on. you cant tell me they'd get along just fine if she were to have lived. #say what you will about her and her intentions and etc but regardless she DID tear kiryu's family apart and guilt trip the SHIT out of him #to do so. knowing majima. and knowing how majima feels about kiryu. do you think he'd be like. cool with that #like if/when he heard the whole story i do Not think mirei's Heartwarming Vicarious Dreams would be enough to excuse the damage she did #and its such a wild coincidence itd be hard not to think- at least just a tinnnyyy bit- that she somehow found majima's weakpoint #(kiryu) and attacked it on purpose out of spite or something. #yeah all that and i think their relationship mustve been inevitably Very toxic and fucked up considering. everything about both of them #especially at that point in time. plus the very weird and not great gap in maturity (18-19 vs 27-28) and all that. no way that ended just #totally chill and amicable. no fucking way. she had fair reason to harbor resentment towards him and i wouldve liked to see that honestly #anyway so i mean you see what im getting at. perfect setup for the most toxic but kind of hilarious divorced dynamic Ever #if she were to ever come anywhere near kiryu again majima would be there in 0.2 seconds to sheild him from impending psychological warfare #rambling #majima #mirei #y5 #yakuza 5 spoilers

[elytrafemme]

diversity win! your favorite system host has been made a SINGLET❗️❓ because she was TOO insufferable for the masses 😱 of angry EPs and dollar store protectors 👀

#nightmare.system #DO NOT REBLOG #alternative version of this post that was less funny: #diversity win! your favorite girl with abandonment issues just got ABANDONED by her own ALTERS! #also I KNOW YOU CAN'T BE 'MADE SINGLET' I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT #i'm just saying this is not the first time a symptom or experience has thoroughly ruined my life and then inexplicably disappeared #i know i keep bringing this up but i don't think you guys realize how frustrating it is #to be told by someone that they finally understand you because they know your traumas #they go to therapy with you they want to give you tattoos they help you get dressed they LOVE you #they're like your fucking brother or something #and then you see them and you pinpoint it as the exact moment that both of you are never going to see each other again #and fucking Dahlia like. we never really Got Along as well as i said we did like i don't think she ever liked me? #but she was supposed to be my big sister #and i'm really sick of blaming myself for being the reason that they all left #because i worked hard to keep this body alive and comparatively the rest did fuck all #and you know. if they didn't want to come out for me that's fine. i don't care. #but you would think they'd at least want to speak to their fucking FRIENDS #anyway. that's all. i'm done thinking about these fucking people. #i'll happily be the ostracized 1% of people that was wrong about a self diagnosed dissosociative disorder if it means i can stop #hearing klavier's voice in my fucking head when i know he's never coming back. #neg #don't reblog. again.

[ambreiiigns]

i wanna be someone who listens to misfits full time again wtf is ghost

#i used to be so cool. i used to be my brother's inspirations and goals. now he sees me and cringes and he's right #hsnckajdja joking. but also no #i feel like i finished the main game (cool iconique music) and now i'm doing the silly but way funnier side quests (ghost) #i mean ghost is not a bad band by all means. but they are so silly. i for one cannot take them seriously. never could #i thot they'd sound like repugnant back in the day then i heard like ritual and dance macabre and pissed my pants at the contrast between #the sound and the look and the purpose of the contrast. i respect them and love them but God they are so funny #i don't know how to phrase this. i don't even know what point i'm trying to make #but i do miss the music i listened to in high school. i lost so many songs #<- cons of only listening to music by downloading it to my phone is that sometimes when changing phones or sd cards you mess up #bc you're stupid and useless w technology and lose 500000000 songs and the thought of having to find them again is #anxiety inducing so you kinda give up on listening to them ever again. lol #like i was listening to so much guns n roses... misfits.... iron maiden..... metallica.... tool.... idk just those cool person bands #and now i hardly ever hear them and i actually miss them a lot :( #thankfully my brother has been following my footsteps so far and he's currently in his pink floyd tool era so i'm re-living those days #thru him but. i just miss it. i need to download everything again someday #the only bitch who survived the changing phone & sd card purge was alice cooper. i went and downloaded everything again #i will NEVER give up on that old man he's my favorite music guy in the world #i also was just starting out w him when it happened tho so i didn't have a lot of catching back up to do but STILL. alice cooper forever #and ever 100 years alice cooper love that guy to death and hell #oh nay #ignore this. i've been feeling nostalgic

[bumblingbabooshka]

(Watching Persistence of Vision) Tuvok and Janeway are best friends because they apparently both consider sex/romance with holographic characters to be cheating

#I thought fake Mark was talking about Chakotay when he said 'you're thinking of someone else - is that fair to me??' #but it seems like he's actually talking about that holonovel jane austen man #Also Janeway is so babygirl in that elevator scene - that's rare for me to think about her but HEHE my god... #her breathless 'I haven't been unfaithful...' SELLING IT...girl is GONE #AS /ALWAYS/ I'm GNASHING MY TEETH that she and Tuvok didn't ever talk about the struggle of being away from their respective partners #and remaining faithful to them for an indefinite amount of time - unsure if they'd EVER see them again #like it's not just that they're in the same boat but they KNOW each other's partners #livetweeting #like WHY is the ending scene between Janeway and B'ELANNA

[aurore-parle-de-ses-idees]

🎶+ 'constellations' by the oh hellos?

...ok so i know I've not talked about them At All, but. that one's perfect for one of omaruin's partners from before the darkening. they don't even have a name yet they're 90% vibes still lmao

#they're vaguely a vanyarin student i think? #i really don't know much abt his old partners besides that they exist and did not go to middle earth at all #but apparently they have one (1) song now lol #thanks friend! #ask games #man these two just. do not exist for the main helf story really. omaruin mostly tries not to dwell on them bc. he does not really believe #that they'll ever see each other again. or that they'd even Want to see him again sometimes #hmm i need to poke them still #sil & om #music tag

[llycaons]

to some extent the drama did erase the gray morality of the novel (making the wens more fantastically evil, making wwx not responsible for nightless, etc.) but what they did with jc was so much more interesting and I think it more than made up for the loss. novel jc is well-written and plays his role perfectly - the general plot threads are the same, but it seemed like in the novel he had always been crueler and more dismissive of wwx, criticizing him without any of the warmth of reconciliation and physical affection that would come immediately afterwards in the drama. the disintegration of their relationship with wwx was something I legitimately felt relief over because it truly did not feel right for wwx to be in that situation and I never felt like they were on the same page even in the best of times. even with the reveal at the very end and a few short paragraphs of jc being anguished in the finale, it wasn’t enough to really shake my perception of him as a dude who was whatever in his youth and then became really shitty. there wasn’t as much complexity to him compared to the drama

drama jc has issues, obviously, but due to some changes in the plot, some very sympathetic directing and acting choices, and the willingness to let him be very emotional onscreen, rather than disinterest over a guy who became shitty I more feel that he’s a deeply emotional person who underwent great loss in a truly unmanageable situation and handled it the best he was able to. and he was...bad. he was bad at it. he didn’t cope well. he failed. he turned his back on the people who had saved him. he stood by, however uncomfortably, as they were burned to death. he sunk into his anger and bitterness and became his worst self

but on the other hand...he never went as far as actually murdering the wens like in the novel, and the drama also emphasized how he clearly still cares deeply for his nephew in his own awkward, forceful way, and the grief of everything he’s lost just drives his actions and his emotions so much it’s hard not be moved by it even when he’s doing horrible things. but his actions don’t need to be excused to be understandable, and I don’t even think they need to be excused for him to be sympathetic - which is where both a lot of fans and haters I think go a little far in either direction - but it’s easy to see how directly they stem from influences that he had no control over or that weren’t his fault (his parents’ abuse/neglect, the manipulation of the sect leaders, his extreme youth, the war). and the drama just brings that pathos to the forefront much more effectively than I think the novel did, and I find him a much more interesting character with more complex relationships because of this core of hurt and misery so obvious within him. but the things he did to a miserable and powerless wwx were so damning and so extreme and and his personal flaws* are so numerous and so seemingly intractable that I just can’t help coming back to them time and again. he really does contain multitudes.

novel jc is just...even more extreme of a version, less nuanced, far more violent and vengeful, too far gone into his grief and anger. not showing nearly the closeness with wwx or the open vulnerability or the grief or the longing for family and for love that was so obvious in the drama. to me novel jc not someone who’s worth feeling sorry for, not really worth examining, and not someone who I would want anyone to rekindle a relationship with. he’s just...there. he serves a role and then leaves and he is not missed. he’s barely worth pitying, though it he is pitiful

I don’t actually dislike novel jc because I don’t feel very strongly about most novel characters, but if there’s one person who’s presented with more nuance in the drama than in the novel, it’s him

*immaturity, pride, aggression, cruelty, inability to control his anger, willingness to inflict suffering on his brother to satisfy his own feelings, a belief he has the right to torture his brother, general disrespect for others, very few ethical principles beyond protecting his own

#like plotwise very little changed but the details...man #me when I'm mad at jc: ohhoho this guy. miserable bastrad man. awful #me when I feel bad for him: aw man I want them to reconcile #🥺 #I want good things for him. he doesn't get many good things in his life #and people do not like him #I find it a lot easier to like him tbh. I enjoy liking him more. I want to see them patch things up #I just don't know if they'd ever be able to #in the drama I think they're both clearly so important to each other still that it has to come up again #they'll muddle it out #drama jc needs to like take some time and meditate. little bit of self reflection. maybe a lot #novel jc can die in a ditch and I will spit on his body #FUCKER KILLED GRANNY WEN MAYBE #I shan't apologie for going back and forth on jc. perhaps I too contain multitudes #cql txp #mdzs txp

[raehs]

sc          /          @ct1369.

“    you’re    ...    you’re    really    ...    alive    ...    “     she    presses    down    on    the    wound    at    the    palm    -    the    same    exact    wound    he    had    patched    up    a    few    days    earlier.    she    didn’t    think    she’d    ever    see    him    again    after    he    told    her    how    to    escape    out    of    the    clinic.    and    rey    was    so    positive    that    she    wouldn’t.    she    decided    to    stick    around    the    town,    just    to    see    if    she    could    see    him    again.    they    didn’t    need    to    speak    to    him,    rey    only    wanted    to    see    him    with    her    own    eyes    and    make    sure    he    was    ...    okay.    safe.    she    was    the    one    putting    them    both    in    danger    by    not    continuing    on    her    way    --    it    was    selfish    of    her,    really.    she    was    putting    her    emotions    and    love    first    instead    of    the    people    that    could    potentially    get    hurt.    the    empire    could    find    him    and    kill    him,    the    inquisitors    could    be    watching    her    right    now    and    plan    to    target    him,    anything    was    possible    nowadays.    

she    never    stopped    thinking    about    him    or    worrying    about    him    --    she    thought    about    all    the    clones    she    fought    beside,    wondered    what    happened    to    them,    if    they    realized    the    empire    wasn’t    to    be    trusted    or    ...    didn’t.    jabber    must    have    left,    somehow.    “    i    wanted    to    find    you    b-but    i    ...    “    eyes    shut    tightly    for    a    moment,    memories    of    that    day    come    crashing    to    the    forefront    of    her    memories    like    a    tsunami.

she    opens    her    eyes    again,    her    cheeks    wet    from    her    own    tears.    “    i’m    sorry,    i    only    wanted    to    make    sure    you    were    safe    ...    “    rey    clarified.    

#ct1369 #okay listen. #i was having thoughts abt them in the little medbay .. not knowing if they'd ever see each other again????? #its prob been a few ddays? maybe a week since that instance??? #he could make an excuse to keep her from leaving like he needs to change the bandage idk idk i love them

[sluttymickey]

Do you ever think about Mickey coming back from Mexico with a new tattoo while keeping the Ian one even though he’d figure he’d never see Ian again. He never gave up hope

Yeah 🥺 I think he always believed they'd find their way back to each other somehow, they were meant to be together 🥺 PLUS. Ian was under his skin. He had the time of his life with Ian. He loved Ian. He couldn't, wouldn't ever erase/cover Ian's tattoo up 🥺

#anon do you ever think about ian seeing that tattoo in prison for the first time #like!!! #he left mickey at the border!! #they didn't know if they'd ever see each other again!! #AND YET MICKEY NEVER ERASED HIS NAME OR COVERED IT UP #AAAAAAH #anyway. ian kisses that tattoo everyday btw #he's obsessed w that tattoo #he'll just sit there caressing the tattoo #he's also a little shit who goes 'yeah. but my husband has my name tattooed on his chest so. 😊' when someone in their building/at school #shows off something their partner got/did for them #asks #anon #hope you have a wonderful day!!🥰

[watch-out-it-bites]

Boy is dissapointing plans not kept in place only so long only so much so tired so sick his fault get it together

#don't let them see this! #ever y. one of these sorts of drawing i am led to not having arms again and they'd fitting miette doesn't know why

[maddy-ferguson]

should i go see how to have sex or the ballad of songbirds and snakes

#i saw one tweet about how to have sex that said it was good and i trust my mutuals with my life. #okay i lied i actually already wanted to see it and then i saw the tweet #and i was supposed to go see tbosas with my friends but they can't go this weekend and they don't know if they can next weekend #or actually no it's just one friend but the others didn't even answer so it's not like they'd be allowed to get mad at me --' #i'm gonna watch both it's just that i'm impatient i don't know if i can do not watching tbosas for a week. #like i'm ready i reread the book two weeks ago and everything #it would be pretty funny if i went to see it by myself because in 2013 i had two friends who liked the hunger games and i overheard them #say they were gonna go see catching fire together so i was like omg can i go with you! and then i found out that they went without me?????? #so of course i never mentioned it again and just went by myself while my mom and my sister were watching frozen👍 #very upsetting. i've never seen frozen fun fact #and yeah after that i didn't go see a movie by myself until like early 2022? i was traumatized sorry. now i do it all the time because no #one's ever interested in seeing my movies and i also like to go at like random times in the middle of the week #how to have sex is free because remember when the ceiling started falling apart two hours into killers of the flower moon and they #gave us two free tickets...so i'll have to go twice before the end of the year. #anyway #literally if tbosas is good i'll just go again with my friends if our schedules ever line up #what's annoying is also that there aren't that many showings in like english with subtitles. in the city we're seeing it in there's way #more in the city i'm in but. whatever😭 #and like i say: brf slt

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

We had one of Steff's comedian friends staying with us on the weekend, lovely lad called Sam from Singapore. He had never been to Wales before, and he requested that we take him to a Welsh restaurant so he could try Welsh food

That's surprisingly difficult, actually. Like a lot of Welsh culture, our culinary traditions have not exactly been applauded over the years, so you don't really see them. But a lucky Google search revealed a brand new one has just opened in SA1 called the Welsh House, so great! Away we went.

Fuck me, they went all in.

It wasn't just the menu (though fuck me, what a menu - one of their 'for the table to share' options was little mini leek and cheddar Welsh cakes with salted butter and they were paralysingly good). It wasn't just that every alcohol was Welsh, even including the wine (surprisingly good btw, called 'Naturiol'.)

The table centerpieces were daffodils. All signs for the toilets were Welsh only. The walls had photos of Wales, modern and historical; the windows had the fleur de lis; the specials board (pork belly in Welsh cider and damson sauce with honey and wild garlic glazed carrots) had dragons on. I realise this is probably normal for country-themed restaurants, but I've never been to one for Wales before.

But the best bit, see, was the music

I clocked, when we walked in, that they were playing If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next by the Manic Street Preachers (you always clock the Manics). Ah, I thought. A Welsh song! In a Welsh restaurant! Ho ho ho.

As they seated us, it became What's New Pussycat. Ah! I thought. Another Welsh song! Fu fu fu.

Then they played Monster by the Automatic and I was like my god are they only playing Welsh music?? That's so cool! What an eclectic mix that's going to be. We should suggest to them they should look into Welsh language music too, really mix it up.

And then they played Anrheoli by Yws Gwynedd and lads, Steff and I lost our shit. We lost our fucking shit. Sam's sitting there, utterly bewildered. The staff are nervously edging away from us. We don't care. It's the first time I have ever heard a Welsh language song played outside of a Welsh language setting. We're so excited.

"They're playing Welsh music!!!" says Steff. "Holy shit!!!"

"Imagine if they played Sebona Fi!" I say, humorously.

"Nah," says Steff. "You can't in a restaurant. There'd be a riot, it's faerie music."

"...what?" says Sam

We explain the cultural phenomenon that is Sebona Fi. The song changes: Primadonna Girl, by Marina and the Diamonds.

"She's Welsh??" says Sam.

"She's from Abergavenny!" we beam.

"I don't know what that means," nods Sam, who is from Singapore.

Next: The Bartender and the Thief, by the Stereophonics. We're in high spirits. The extraordinarily Welsh wine arrives, as does the rarebit on sourdough starter. Sam, a gay man, delightedly orders the faggots and peas.

They play Ben Rhys by Gwilym Bowen Rhys, and we lose our shit again. Sam is now used to this, because comedians are adaptable. "They even have daffodils!" I say, misty eyed. "Is that relevant?" Sam asks, fascinated.

They play Hiraeth, by PLU. Hard to explain that one. Very hard to explain the effect it has when it's played in a restaurant, but Sam looks around the suddenly muted room and whispers "Are we in church?"

"It's about Hiraeth," whispers Steff. "So kind of."

Next: the Masses Against the Classes, by the Manics. Utter tonal whiplash. This playlist is not remotely restaurant appropriate. It's perfect.

"You'd think they'd pick like... a genre," Sam says dreamily. "We just went from church to the barricades."

The faggots arrive. "I forgot it would be a western sized portion," Sam says morosely, of what to me is a normal sized plate of food. He tries one, and brightens.

They play Sebona Fi.

The place erupts.

#I am going back there #going to try the rarebit next time #and the popcorn cockles #WALES! #closed for cleaning on mondays

[t-u-i-t-c]

↑them↑

#i love this photo so much it's so cute #anyways i watched trio of deep sin and i have thoughts #first of all i think that rintaro had the best visuals and the most interesting story #it's mostly about him accepting the blood on his hands and reiterating how these are the burdens he must bear as a swordsman #touma had a really nice storyline and i didn't know if i'd like touma as a father but i really do and it suits him well #they gave espada a new form but the visuals were kind of lacking in that section like the effects weren't the best #but the movie is show well for them most part although sometimes the camera zooms in slightly just out of nowhere and idk how i feel about #that decision but oh well #at the end they kinda hint that kento and yuina meet again and they are engaged on the manipulated timeline but let's be real they'd never #last like i feel like yuina did grow to care for kento and she wanted him to live but she still felt so much hate for him and it wouldn't #ever work as a real relationship at least not a romantic one considering her fiance died bc of kento like that's not something you can #really move on from like that #so all in all probably one of my favorite kr movies so far with a lot of great visuals and an interesting story #the most impactful part is when rintaro and kento meet and they've forgotten each other like i actually cried #i do consider kento and rintaro to be family so it broke me to see them speak to each other like strangers #the one fault this has is only kento and rintaro share screentime #we don't see kento and touma interact nor do we see rintaro and touma which feels like a shame considering how close they are in the series #but it does help in highlighting individual burdens though i still would have liked to see them together #kr saber lb #kr lb #umbrella.thoughts #umbrella.posts

[thebibliosphere]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

#adhd #mental health #mental illness #trauma #imposter syndrome #sorry for the wall of eratic text #feeling jittery af #possibly hypomanic tbh #either way #aaaaaaaaah