#like. it’s. its my apartment. it’s reasonable for me to want some of my things in the main part of the apartment I PAY RENT IN

[writeouswriter]

I love how ominous such basic names like "The Organization" or "The Institute" or "The Initiative" or "The Facility" or etc. are when placed in like a shady sci-fi context, like there's no reason for them to sound that suspicious, but without elaboration, it's like here is a place where they are doing things™ and I am like ooohh, because the blank state, the refusal to give you any more detail makes you think they're hiding something on purpose and leaves the darkest corner of the imagination left to fill in the rest.

#writing #writeblr #names #i want to give my shady research facilities in my stories actual names but some part of me is like #you'll never get the level of unease you get from just naming it the institute rather than the x institute or something #sci-fi #other genres i guess too but usually sci-fi #the barn in haven why is that the scariest sounding thing ever like? #you just know that thing ain't a barn #it is a barn physically outside but oh the creep factor that name gives i can't explain #the shop in firestarter? like f*ck it conjures up images of a workshop and saws building and tearing apart people for some reason #the initiative in buffy it's so nondescript and unassuming just like its soldiers living among the campus and the military power they hold #etc etc etc you know #mayhaps i am not creative enough to come up with better names also mayhaps

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Phullo it is I again!

I am very glad that you actually responded and given me an actual advice since I was worried about the question I sent you.

Though besides that I have another question for you (hoorayyy)!

So, about the reading books earlier- I’m fortunately a bookworm too! It’s just that I notice I prefer reading the genre science fiction/psychological horror more than… anything else!

And while the books I am currently reading, ‘Flowers For Algernon’ and ‘I’m Thinking Of Ending Things’ (these books are seriously so wonderfully made they make want to tear my walls), DO have romantic aspects of it- it’s not really the main plot of the story..

‘Flowers For Algernon’ has amazing storytelling and is very unique- though I’m not sure if you’ve read it before but, it’s actually just the main character taking notes. Hence why there was a lot misspellings which honestly makes it a great touch if you know the context behind it.

On the other hand, ‘I’m Thinking Of Ending Things’ too shares the same uniqueness as the other, possibly even more unique if I must say so myself. Though I REALLY don’t want to make my story similar to them since I want to make it more heart warming than fucked up..

Which is why I feel like I have the need to borrow or buy at least one romantic book because, I lack of it. I mean I accidentally borrowed it one time but it was kind of disappointing.

I don’t know if its a good idea and if I should do it or not since does it really matter of the genre, or just the writing?

Still, if you have any good books that are in the romance genre. Feel free to recommend some to me!

-lots of love, from another bookworm

welcome back! happy to hear you're a bookworm as well <3 im writing those titles down since i read a criminal lack of sci-fi despite loving it

i actually don't have any straight up romance recs - i don't actively search it out (outside of fanfic), so any romance i read just comes with whatever book i've picked up. just straight up romance bores me, unless its a fic with a pairing i actively like. and even then, i need to take breaks from it unless the romance is interspersed with an actual plot. im not a romantically-geared person! i dont have single Main Plot Is Romance book on my shelves!

but imo its really just the quality of writing that helps. ive never been in a romance, im the child of two different divorces, and yet ive been told that i write romance fairly well. go fuckin figure lmao.

so actually my advice on romance is to just like. wow idk what i do is pick apart the romances i see on tv / in writing. what makes them good together, how do they act around each other, what are their love languages, what's their dynamic, what traditional romance things do they partake in, what dont they partake in, do they have anything nontraditional, do they work and why do / they dont they - does that make their relationship more interesting or is it flat. are they a good match.

you don't have to have every answer, but ive found that at least understanding their characters / dynamics, and having them interact in a way that suits them will help your romance feel natural. dont conform to tropes or tradition, that will just make the relationship flat and unrealistic. and you can always sprinkle in little things that you like / would like, which will help ground the romance and get you into the groove

tldr with romance, i think it's better to observe real life (whether that's paying attention to couples or reading reddit threads) & analyze in-love or in-a-relationship characters instead of just reading romance novels. bc honestly, and from what i can tell, they can tend to be over the top or cookie cutter

just realized you did not explicitly ask for romance advice! Oopsie! i got a little carried away here....

#another thing i like to do is analyze bad fictional relationships / ones i dont like #both bc it gives me a concise argument / explanation if someone gets on me about it #and bc it helps me understand what makes good romances Good #bc bad relationships make me sit there and ask 'well. what went wrong here? why dont they work? why do i hate this? whats Missing?' #and filling in those gaps teaches me what Does work. what will go Right. why i Love it. what Is there. #sometimes the answer is simply bad writing & after taking a deeper look #i can conclude they they Are good for each other - the show/book just shoved them together with no reason other than #'need romance' or 'boy meet girl' or 'love at first sight' #i mean there are some romances that i look at it and im like 'wow! this should not be happening!' #but i Like it because its interesting enough! a good example is aline & the darkling from the grishaverse #such a fucking unhealthy relationship. really well written. fascinating. hot as hell. important for the story/characters. #i wanted to rip them apart but also glue them together to see how horrible the train crash would be!!!! #absolutely unprompted #so i mean... i think i can rec books that Have good romances in them? but thats not the focus by any means #lemme know... i know im less helpful this time around but i hope im helping a little! #feel free to ask as many questions as you like - ill do my best with all of them

[wakanai]

.

#i feel so isolated #i can talk to people #but it's hard for me to find someone i can genuinely connect with #hard for me to converse in interesting conversation with people i find interesting #i was in a group setting a while ago #talking w “friends” (not close friends; but still 'friends') #it was ok #the thing is #i don't particularly like my friends #like im not that invested. it's hard for me to find people i connect with enough to be invested in and vice versa #it's most likely a 'me' thing #i think its because of a lack of communication skills that its hard for me to find connection/make friends that i rlly like and etc #ironically the friends i do like are always extroverts and i always feel like i care more about them than they do #because they have sm friends whom they're close to and genuinely connected with meanwhile i struggle with even making 1 connection that #doesn't drain me/makes me happy/keeps me stimulated #so when i do find that 1 person i become attached and want to be closer to them #and when that happens idk i remind myself that they dont care for me as much #and i try not to be too clingy so as not to annoy them #i want to be closer to them though. we have our own friend groups but still #school for me is overall quite lonely. my 2 close friends are in another school #there's only a few people in class that i enjoy talking to #the only one (the 'main' one) that's my friend is the extrovert i mentioned a while ago #and for some reason im getting flashbacks or trauma from my past friendship #because as of now we're just classroom friends #and in my past friendship. i was also invested in that homegirl. but..we drifted apart T-T #its quite sad #i feel lonely #i want to be better at bond making and connections because #its miserable #vent

[taeyungie]

😺

#i haven't addressed yoongi's situation yet because i'm honestly still not hit by it i guess. like it didnt gwt to me yet #i dont think ill ever love anyone the same as i love him you know what i mean #he has been the first reason of my self development. like he literally raised me??? i learned from him how to be the person i am today #and its like im saying goodbye to a family member. the thing is i have never griefed anyone's absence like this #its like a part of my soul will be missing until he comes back #but at the same time i know what he would want for me. to move on and to become my own reason #he would want me to be kind to myself. to focus on myself and not miss him that much. #he would want that for all of us right #but i have a very hard time processing things. do you guys remeber the festa last year? when we found out theyll be going on hiatus #the reality of it snd the fact that it will be happening hit me onky after around 3 months. #thats when i first cried because i realized what it meant. ofc i knew but it didnt occur to the emotional part of my brain at that time #and i feel like im truly gonna fall apart when THIS hits me in 3 months lol #my life has never been worse and thats honestly the time when i need the reassurance the most #when i need the people i love and find comfort in the most. #but its just me and thats technically just my problem. but since i am talking about my view on this then thats okay i guess hahah anyway #i just hope he knows there are milions of ppl who love him as much as i do. and thats like extra love like forever & beyond type of shit #i honestly dont think other people ever truly fully understand how we feel towards them. especially when you really love somebody #because they have their own opinions about themselves. they debate whether they deserve some kind of treatment or not. we all do that right #and i just know he does that too. i just reslly want him to feel completely loved and cherished and appreciated. #i want him to see himself through our eyes. to surround himself with people who see him exactly the way we do. #to fall in love with somebody who will see him like we see him #nobody deserves better life than this man. and i hope that after our reunion he will live that life to the fullest 💓 i can't wait to see it #anyway. if somebody needs to talk about it or wants to get sadness out of your system - im here 💓 #please keep your heads up and lets wait for him 💓 #we have esch other and we will be okay 💓 #sorry for typos i can barely see its 1am 🤓

[icewindandboringhorror]

While I don't know much about it, I would probably bet there are tons of issues with the cruise industry that would make me not actually appreciate it broadly speaking - HOWEVER, I do really love a lot of the interior design of some cruise ships.. How it's almost like a miniature city crammed into one area. Multiple sections with all different aesthetic designs, a variety of shops, restaurants, activity centers, community seating areas, communal use spaces (like gyms, laundry, pools, cafeteria/buffet (which I always love anywhere)), etc. etc. but then also everyone has a little nice clean comfortable looking space of their own to retreat back to if they'd like to be alone. Maybe it's something akin to the idea of 'walkable cities', where everything you could ever want to do is kind of right there just a short walk away? I also especially love how so much stuff is stacked on top of other stuff, a layered cluster of spaces, bright open atriums, and when they're set up with little walkways down the center between a bunch of rooms so it's almost like a mini city street with apartments lining it, etc.. They often seem like they'd be SUCH a cool place to live permanently, IF only something identical was just built on solid land instead lol

#currently watching a channel on youtube where some person is reviews/tours cruise ships or something #and I'm just like wow the whole traveling part would be miserable hell and I would hate trying to get off of the stupid ship everyday #and see seomthing and make it back in time or etc. but OOOOO THE BEDROOMS! love the TINY minifrige!! eeee .. lol #perhaps just an extension of of my obsession with communal spaces. also love hospitals. nursing homes. hotels. AIRPORTS!!! #thats just how humans are meant to live for me. my ideal situation is that sot of thing like big beautiful bright communal places #but i also hate socializing i just like the idea of like. the entire communal world is in front of me but i also have my own little space t #retreat back to. youre not forced to participate. but the world is right outside your window if you WANT to go. ALSO people watching is fun #Plus i think part of what i hate most about Going Places and Doing Things is the commitment of it and traveling #especially in america where its like to get ANYWHERE it's a 3 hour drive or 15 min drive #or 20 min drive or 1 hr bus ride or blah blah. the idea of having plenty of fun little things to do that are all solidified #in ONE single complex that is also where your room is would actually encourage me to do things more because if #my health issues start flaring up or i get overwhelmed or etc. i can literally just... retreat back to my room that is a reasonably short #walk away. instead of like ''UGH now not only do i feel too bad to finish my excursion but ALSO i have a 40 min car ride ahead of me'' #etc. Not saying that even in that situation I would become Super Extravert Thing Doer like i still LOOVE a quiet lifestyle mostly alone do #ing the same 5 repetitive tasks over & over again working on specific hobbies. but just that i WOULD go out SLIGHTLY more and do Activities #if the activities were already brought to ME. like a cruise ship layout where you have your little room private space but when you feel #like it on your own terms you could venture out and go to a little cafe or a swimming pool or etc. WITHOUT even having to leave #or get in a car and travel. just walk form your room to The thing. amazing.. ground breaking.. BUT especially the layers are important. I #dont mean just 'have the same features but in a way that theyre on land' I mean LITERALLY translate the EXACT layout of the cruise ship but #on ground instead. Like I want a full community cafeteria on the middle floor of my apartment complex. there should be a pool & waterslide #on the roof. A community games room on the 4th floor. a library right under my bedroom. etc. etc. Though maybe ideally I would say #add a little extra space like most people couldn't live their entire lives in a cruise ship room layout. But maybe just have the rooms expa #nded to the average size of like a 3 bedroom apartment. and then still stack them on top of each other.. More spacious decks so people can #have some plants (but also a community garden somewhere too). ANYWAY... Idk I just always love the aesthetics. I would love to tour a cruis #ship but like NOT go on a cruise EVER lol.. but just.. SEE the space. I love interiors so much. Also makes me think of worldbuilding like. #I think cruise ships could also be good inspiration for underground stacked cities in layers. things like that. OR just actually the fant #asy world version of a cruise ship lol. Though Nanyevimi's oceans are all so treacherous that non-inland water travel is avoided as much as #possible (even if it's more tedious to travel on the land) and would rarely be done for leisure. still.. river cruises could exist.. >:3c #In Nanyevimi the oceans are akin to how Outer Space is on earth (seen as a mysterious unexplored dangerous area etc).. a cruise ship of #rich elves setting out on a Groundbreaking First Ever Ocean Cruise & it just goes Wrong like a sci-fi 'trapped in space' type thriller LOL

[lesbiansanemi]

Okay. My roommate’s bf that is moving in in a couple weeks brought his fucking dog over today and 😭 like ig it was well behaved but the cats hated it (and both my cats are already anxious messes I dread to think of how they’ll act/what they’ll do with a brand new big stressor added) and it fucking. It fucking REEKS like dog. Like yeah it’s a dog but I haven’t been around dogs in so long I forgot how much like dogs dogs smell and 😭😭 if it’s gonna be here that means my apartment and my things and my blankets and clothes are gonna start to smell like fucking dog and I’m fjfjdjsksk I don’t like this but I’ve also said a couple times I’m not happy about the dog thing and they’re both like “haha well! He’s a good dog” and I think they think I’m kinda being jokey about it but like. No. I don’t like the fucking dog and I don’t wanna live with a dog 😭 because even if it’s super well behaved and doesn’t bother me in a literal sense I will still have to deal with the inescapable consequence of Living With a Dog in the sense of it making my cats anxious/moody/angry and my apartment smelling like it and hfjdjdjdks I don’t know what to doooooo

#he also made a comment tonight about me having a lot of art on the wall… #and then going ‘haha we’ll have to make a little Kaz corner’ and like implying he wanted me to take a lot of it down #he might have been joking? but if not I’m :/ #like I don’t mind kinda moving some of my things around to rearrange and making room for some of his stuff #but I’m not shoving all my shit into a teeny part of the apartment or all in my room or something #like. it’s. its my apartment. it’s reasonable for me to want some of my things in the main part of the apartment I PAY RENT IN #and idk. like I don’t MIND him living here and it’s not that I expected to not have to make any changes #but I’m starting to get worried that he (and my roommate will follow his lead cuz he’s a wet noodle) #are gonna start acting like it’s THEIR apartment and I’m the random third person that needs to compromise on everything/get shoved into a #spare room and my influence should not be seen #and then we’re gonna start to have. problems. which I really don’t wanna fucking deal with #like uh. no actually. it’s my name on the lease. I lived here before. I am not overhauling my living arrangements #for a guy my roommate is dating who wanted to move in even tho they’ve only been dating like five months #and from what I can gather is not even gonna pay rent 😭😭😭 #idk maybe I’m overreacting but just. the way my concerns have been kinda brushed off and my things are being treated so flippantly #is. mm. it’s rubbing me the wrong way and I don’t like it #kaz rambles

[gazelessmenagerie]

No one:

me, waking up bc for some reason the heater is up and I am sweating to have to get up and crack open the window: .... The reason I focus hard on the personal struggles and inner turmoil of Broly is just because that’s how I see his character aside from the terrifying psycho he is when all hell breaks loose from him after years of what could be trauma. Yeah everyone loves his lssj form but fuck if i don’t like seeing what could possibly go on beneath the surface. What aspects could be warped or driven to be a certain way because its all he ever knew and how would it affect him when small changes are coaxed into him through repeated interactions and slowly getting used to having someone around that he legitimately becomes accustomed to.

another part of my brain: ... is this also an elaborate way to say I have no goddamn idea what to do with the lssj because in my head, he can basically obliterate just about anything? yes. yes it is. the only valid way I can see him actually getting into trouble outside of powerful transformations by capable individuals or their own power alone is actually Himself because his Anger is so prevalent that it stresses him out without the aid of that suppression device forcing him to calm down (or having certain people in some cases that manage to have enough of a bond to him that he is capable of calming down to their efforts or ways they employ). Honestly, what sort of after effects could happen to him being used to this device and the feelings it forced upon and then suddenly getting his freedom away from it? The bastard’s more intelligent than he lets on and its evident through watching him fight with what could very well just be ambush tactics and throwing his weight around as what he probably learned from growing up watching other predatory animals as he grew into power.

The Heehoo part of my brain: ... Him being a fucking psycho is hot but lmfao I don’t think I can use it much outside of plotted threads or drabbles. I blame some artists for capturing that side of him so well in illustrative mediums and I hope to one day get to that level but in a literary sense (along with artistic but that’s already a bit of a work in progress)

My body: can the cold air get in here faster? sweating up a damn storm from the heater being too high.

#|| Character Study: {Broly} #( and then I look on twitter and realize... wrow #( glad I'm not interested in any db discourse bc gd. the amount of people I'd need to block would be staggering. ) #( I just throw some choice pieces of art I do and call it a day. read some of the nice comments and fade back to here ) #( where I can splurge my ideas and wants with this fucking asshole villain and flourish. ) #( love it when he finally gets some better things but also love it when he becomes deranged and a damned menace ) #( adfljg idk. could be me overanalyzing my own muse bc I don't touch upon his viciously darker aspects as much ) #( precisely because he can fucking destroy almost anyone in an actual fight up until they surpass his lssj and then ) #( he'd eventually break his own power ceiling in attaining even higher forms. ) #( BUT. that isn't to say all forms are available to him and others require a monumentous amount of work from him ) #( on the personal growth level to actually be acheivable in the first place. ) #( I want him to fucking struggle with himself. I want him to struggle against factors he never anticipated before and has to adapt in ways ) #( beyond his instinctual habit of getting fucking pissed off. ) #( and in the same token. seeing how destructive it becomes not only to the environment/battle but to himself is just another ) #( facet I enjoy exploring and I kinda lowkey wish the actual show or maybe some medium of media could tap into that ) #( than make him just the secret boss again or like an add-in for something. idk afnlsdgj ) #( I love the fucking nuggets I get from such smaller pieces like him getting amnesiac and actually being a bit better. ) #( to how much of a drastic change of mind he gets talking to him in xenoverse and picking apart his dialogue in a ) #( constant state of lssj vs what his actual personality might be when he's in base form. ) #( still an asshole but at least he could be reasoned with a little more... or he just flat out kills you bc he fucking can and its funny ) #( the thoughts I have about this asshole are many and I only wish I could write them down and explore them without being limited to ) #( time. motivation and availability on myself and others adsnflgj ) #( thx for coming to my morning ted talk alfahsldhgkdjslgj )

[wickershells]

txt

#i just dont really know what to do. my friends never express concern for me and they never tell me they love me without overt irony or some #watering down of the sentence. they never reach out when i need them and everything they say is so detached and distant and cold #and maybe im just in my head again maybe its getting to the time of year when my life routinely falls apart moreso than all the other month #but i feel so abandoned all the time. and stupid. and unloveable. my friend once told me that her love for me would erode #whenever i vanished for mental health reasons so i stopped vanishing and started instead pushing through the illness and opening up more to #her but it was too much for her to handle and all my baggage almost ended our friendship so here i am vanishing again except this time with #the debilitating knowledge that every day she loves me less and less and less. if i am not there she stops loving me and if i am she stops #loving me. what do i do. my illness takes everything from me every damn thing. she wont call me but she bought a ticket to see me in januar #and i cant reconcile it. shes visiting her girlfriend and its the same price to come over here too so i guess why not. its not really #for me. we dont have plans to do anything for my birthday and i doubt she will offer and i dont want to be the one to do so like last year #i want someone to love me without me asking them to. i want to be able to trust people without having it broken. i want to feel like an #equal and not so inferior all the time. i'm not her best friend anymore. she doesnt tell me personal things she doesnt share everything #she used to with me. i try and try to start doing the things we used to but she doesnt do them. i shared my location again but she didnt #share hers. so i stopped again and she didnt even ask me why. she has not asked if im okay in weeks. if i vanished forever i dont think #she would even notice. i cant see her mourning the loss of me. i dont think i matter that much to her. and it is so painful #with both of my best friends i watch them gladly do things with other people and never do things with me unless i beg. i am constantly #excluded from their lives i am the outsider friend. and it is so damn lonely. and every time i'm presented w the opportunity to make new #friends i'm paralysed w fear because how many times have i lost people. i'm either too little or too much or both at once. constantly absen #or constantly sad and it's poisonous i feel poisonous. i'm not fit for community despite how desperate i am for it i just feel perpetually #undeserving. and so stupid and unsuccessful in comparison to them. i'm too much effort to be around and i get why i really do #even this it's just so much heaviness all the time i am such a burden. they just don't love me as much anymore. love lost #added to my family baggage and my dead childhood dog and the nothingness of my future i just can't see myself continuing i don't know what #to do. my parents don't support me my friends are never there the nhs is a joke i am actually genuinely alone lol #what if i can't recover. some people are destined not to. what if that's me. what if i am never happy. i'm never going to accomplish #anything i'm stuck here. stagnant and unmoving. the most disposable and useless person alive #sorry. will delete later as usual. but for reasons stated above i have nowhere else to put these thoughts #and i am drowning in them #vent

[guinevereslancelot]

dented my new water bottle but i bought 100 flower stickers and now it's pretty and you cant see the dent. simple pleasures will cure me

#i was sooo bummed #it was pristine and pink and then it got dented and scratched up when it fell off a cart onto a concrete floor at work #but now its prettier than before #normally i hesitate to put stickers on things for some reason its like too permanent idk im dumb but this gave me permission to go crazy #its not done but the dent is hidden well and there's a few other pretty ones #im waiting to do the rest thk bc i ordered a custom sticker with my name on it and haven't decided where it goes yet lol #also my little ikea greenhouse should be here today 😌 #the only bad thing is i have to relearn how to parallel park again later 🥲 #but other than that it should be a nice day off #im trying to make my apartment nice but i lost the peel and stick wallpaper i wanted to put on drawers and on the side of the fridge 😔 #but its still pretty nice i just dont want to fill the drawers until i find it so its not as functional as it could be lol #anyway its a beautiful morning i slept in with my kitty finally ❤️ #and there's a hint of fall color put my window from an old tree turning early <3

[carcarrot]

who needs five hour energy when you have rage

#back at work 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 #i really need that 'i really wish i weren't here right now!' badge. i need it #i hate my job!!!!!!! i hate everyone here!!!!! #EVERY SINGLE TIME i am off whether its for a day or my one week of vacation whoever fucking covers me rearranges everything #and i have to work to get it back to the way i left it on top of the normal work i have to do #like i had it the way it was for a reason!!!!! when this is your permanent job you can have it any way you want #but until then keep it the way i fucking had it. god #i hate my jobbbbbbb i need a new one but i also just need to not have a job ever again but also have money for things. you see my problem #i have so many things to do (look for a better job. look for a better apartment. finish my script. possibly start some film reviewing site) #IN ADDITION to trying to work out some more and idk man get myself looking better. and on top of all of that writing my letter again. Again #i will be fine. just seething w frustration currently #eventually this will give way to despair and tiredness #and then hope again. and then probably frustration again. and so on and so forth #sorry again everyone. can you tell i dont want to be back at work

[mechawolfie]

i get a therapist (HELL YEAH AWESOME, THIS IS GOOD !)

she tells me to apologize to my mom (HORRIBLE, I AM CONSIDERING MURDER)

#smudgy.txt #.vent #at first i was like yknow what that sounds like a reasonable adult thing to do ! ill do it! :] #then once the call was over i suddenly remembered 1) the details of what happened 2) my mom isnt a reasonable adult #& will most likely not take it in a way that wont trigger me more #i fucking hate when ppls first thought is to believe that the parents are in the right when their kid talks abt some shit that happened #when they dont know the full fucking story #& now im worry if i Try to explain more she either wont believe me #or say i'm too much for her to handle & drop me #& now im spiraling again #& i want to spend the weekend trying to get out of it but that won't be possible bc The World Does Not Stop #so i'm just going to have to deal w this shit all over again #how do i explain to these fuckers that i am a danger to myself BECAUSE of my family & i dont need to Be A Better Child #i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i need support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #the only person who seems to understand this is my pcp but she cant do anything abt it bc the system is bullshit + its just not her job #& my sister is offering to help me but im terrified it'll cause even more drama in this family #bc my parents are incapable of handling anything like adults #i feel like im being torn apart in a million directions. i want to rest

[captainchokchok]

Hate my apartment complex so much lmao

#i wanted to move but they required 60 days notice to end lease but they sent me a misleading email #making it seem like i had an extra 2 weeks to make a decision if i was going to move or not #so anyways i decides i would just renew my lease anyway because every apartment place is the same here regardless #all shitty owned by shitty management companies #anyways i renewed it for another 8 months because for some reason that was the cheapest option #anyways i have been looking for jobs back on the east coast so i kinda am hoping ill find one #its expensive there but still i miss it more than i thought it would #i miss my old apartment back in utah too lmao it was not as nice since the building was like #20+ years old building but they didnt freaking nickel and dime for every little thing #this whole rant is starting because theyre going to start charging for parking now which is bs #anyways when will the US put some rent control laws in place??? hopefully soon lmao 🙃

[samwisefamgee]

Every day I grow closer to throwing my phone into the river and when I do I won’t fucking regret it

#i have been. dodging scams all morning #i don’t have any fucking money please just leave me alone #my friendships have been rotten to the fucking core #my mind poisoned #what the fuck is the point in having a smartphone when a fliphone still lets people contact me but doesn’t fucking make my life worse #not that I could afford a flip phone anyway. or service. why would someone want to scam me specifically when I posted my account overdrafted #you can SEE I don’t have money why do you BOTHER #SCAM SOMEONE RICH YOU FUCKIN MORON #alas that the desperate make for such easy targets for the heartless #it’s been so hard to keep going and every day for two months something has happened to convince me it isnt fuckin worth it like its ONLY bad #but god or fate keeps dangling juuuust enough hope in front of me that I keep going. it’s been like that for eight years #and I’ve fallen apart in that time completely. my hair is gone and my teeth will be gone soon too #my bones and joints will follow suit they’re already deformed and weak #the ringing in my ears only gets louder. i haven’t known the familiar peace of silence in years and it’ll only ever get further #and I’ll never afford the medical or psychological care to actually help those things #why bother??? I’ll keep bothering out of spite and stupid foolish hope but I still don’t fucking know why I bother when it never gets better #and it might not! hope is called hope for a reason sometimes shit just doesn’t work out #i could suffer on for abother year or five just to have it all fall apart even more. no payout #hell does exist on earth for some people. if I die and there wasn’t ever joy enough to outweigh everything then my hell was real all along #and I will have been fuckall stupid enough to suffer it for years instead of dying in high school like I planned. or college. or after. #so many times life pushed me to the edge and I crawled back just for things to get worse. every time #and still I hold onto my hope like it’s all that ever mattered. and if life turns out that way maybe it’ll be all that ever did #false ​hopes and a terribly misplaced heart #fate willing we all find peace

[immaterial-girl]

ill stare. directly. at the sun. but never. in the mirror

#it must be EXHAUSTING always rooting for the anti-hero #here’s the thing. do i love this lyric? yeah. however the reason its Stuck in my head is def the melody #however i feel like anti-hero is by far the most melodically pleasant song on the album! which is a good thing! #& ppl can criticize w/ever they want but it BOTHERS me when ppl take the lyrics out of the song and just rip them up on paper #like YEAH. some of the BEST songs lyrics might look REALLY WEIRD when taken out of the melody & smushed on paper #and the song is her like. ACKNOWLEDGING that she is not this perfect flawless icon #& ppl r like Grrr it makes me mad when everyone says shes the best lyricist of our time #EVEN SHE IS NOT SAYING THAT??? DIFFERENT SONGS HAVE DIFFERENT GOALS?? idk yall #but im not about to engage directly w any of those ppl bc a) theyre right. they can express w/ever opinion they want & thats fine #& b) im not trying to position myself as a taylor swift SHOOTER. that is NOT my vibe #obv theres stuff to criticize of hers both musically and personally #but these bad faith criticisms do GRATE. #also it bums my vibe when i rly like Any media & im in a honeymoon phase #and then i see someone ripping it apart and suddenly im listening Defensively instead of Joyously. like im defending my love of it to myself #mine #taylor swift #midnights

[therewithinthestars]

.

#rant or vent #tw self harm #tw self destructive behavior #i hate it here cuz i still get urges but i cant even fall back on pain as a coping mechanism #because im in too much fucking pain and physical discomfort every fucking day and i just don't feel like dealing with #the discomfort if healing anymore it's just not worth it anymore #it might help in the moment for a while but i cant do anything self destructive anymore because my whole body fucking hurts constantly #for years now and im so fucking tired goddammit what am i supposed to do i never learned any normal coping skills #im tired im exhausted im confused im dissociated and numb and uncomfortable and empty and tired and sick and drinking makes me sick and smok #ing makes me sick and hurting myself would just end up being itchy and annoying and i need to eat and sleep and take care of myself because #my body is already fucking falling apart for some reason and i just can't do these things anymore but i dont know its all i ever used to do #and my brain keeps falling back on these as a solution but that's no solution anymore i dont want to be physically miserable anymore sigh

[autismserenity]

know someone who enjoys horror stories? share this one! it's true!

hahahahahahahahahaha aarrggghhhhhhhhhh 3,000,000 deaths due to COVID-19 last year. Globally. Three million. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. The reason people are still worried about COVID is because it has a way of quietly fucking up your body. And the risk is cumulative.

I'm going to say that again: the risk is cumulative.

It's not just that a lot of people get bad long-term effects from it. One in seven or so? Enough that it's kind of the Russian Roulette of diseases. It's also that the more times you get it, the higher that risk becomes. Like if each time you survived Russian Roulette, the empty chamber was removed from the gun entirely. The worst part is that, psychologically, we have the absolute opposite reaction. If we survive something with no ill effects, we assume it's pretty safe. It is really, really hard to override that sense of, "Ok, well, I got it and now I probably have a lot of immunity and also it wasn't that bad." It is not a respiratory disease. Airborne, yes. Respiratory disease, no: not a cold, not a flu, not RSV.

Like measles (or maybe chickenpox?), it starts with respiratory symptoms. And then it moves to other parts of your body. It seems to target the lungs, the digestive system, the heart, and the brain the most.

It also hits the immune system really hard - a lot of people are suddenly more susceptible to completely unrelated viruses. People get brain fog, migraines, forget things they used to know.

(I really, really hate that it can cross the blood-brain barrier. NOTHING SHOULD EVER CROSS THE BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER IT IS THERE FOR A REASON.) Anecdotal examples of this shit are horrifying. I've seen people talk about coworkers who've had COVID five or more times, and now their work... just often doesn't make sense? They send emails that say things like, "Sorry, I didn't mean Los Angeles, I meant Los Angeles."

Or they insist they've never heard of some project that they were actually in charge of a year or two before.

Or their work is just kind of falling apart, and they don't seem to be aware of it.

People talk about how they don't want to get the person in trouble, so their team just works around it. Or they describe neighbors and relatives who had COVID repeatedly, were nearly hospitalized, talked about how incredibly sick they felt at the time... and now swear they've only had it once and it wasn't bad, they barely even noticed it.

(As someone who lived with severe dissociation for most of my life, this is a genuinely terrifying idea to me. I've already spent my whole life being like, "but what if I told them that already? but what if I did do that? what if that did happen to me and I just don't remember?") One of its known effects in the brain is to increase impulsivity and risk-taking, which is real fucking convenient honestly. What a fantastic fucking mutation. So happy for it on that one. Yes, please make it seem less important to wear a mask and get vaccinated. I'm not screaming internally at all now.

I saw a tweet from someone last year whose family hadn't had COVID yet, who were still masking in public, including school.

She said that her son was no kind of an athlete. Solidly bottom middle of the pack in gym.

And suddenly, this year, he was absolutely blowing past all the other kids who had to run the mile. He wasn't running any faster. His times weren't fantastic or anything. It's just that the rest of the kids were worse than him now. For some reason. I think about that a lot. (Like my incredibly active six-year-old getting a cold, and suddenly developing post-viral asthma that looked like pneumonia.

He went back to school the day before yesterday, after being home for a month and using preventative inhalers for almost week.

He told me that it was GREAT - except that he couldn't run as much at recess, because he immediately got really tired. Like how I went outside with him to do some yard work and felt like my body couldn't figure out how to increase breathing and heart rate.

I wasn't physically out of breath, but I felt like I was out of breath. That COVID feeling people describe, of "I'm not getting enough air." Except that I didn't have that problem when I had COVID.) Some people don't observe any long (or medium) term side effects after they have it.

But researchers have found viral reservoirs of COVID-19 in everyone they've studied who had it.

It just seems to hang out, dormant, for... well, longer than we've had an opportunity to observe it, so far.

(I definitely watched that literal horror movie. I think that's an entire genre. The alien dormant under ice in the Arctic.)

(oh hey I don't like that either!!!!!!!!!) All of which is to explain why we should still care about avoiding it, and how it manages to still cause excess deaths. Measuring excess deaths has been a standard tool in public health for a long time.

We know how many people usually die from all different causes, every year. So we can tell if, for example, deaths from heart disease have gone way up in the past three years, and look for reasons. Those are excess deaths: deaths that, four years ago, would not have happened. During the pandemic, excess death rates have been a really important tool. For all sorts of reasons. Like, sometimes people die from COVID without ever getting tested, and the official cause is listed as something else because nobody knows they had COVID. But also, people are dying from cardiovascular illness much younger now.

People are having strokes and heart attacks younger, and more often, than they did before the pandemic started. COVID causes a lot of problems. And some of those problems kill people. And some of them make it easier for other things to kill us. Lung damage from COVID leading to lungs collapsing, or to pneumonia, or to a pulmonary embolism, for example. The Economist built a machine-learning model with a 95% confidence interval that gauges excess death statistics around the world, to tell them what the true toll of the ongoing COVID pandemic has been so far.

Total excess deaths globally in 2023: Three million.

3,000,000.

Official COVID-19 deaths globally so far: Seven million. 7,000,000. Total excess deaths during COVID so far: Thirty-five point two million. 35,200,000.

Five times as many.

That's bad. I don't like that at all. I'm glad last year was less than a tenth of that. I'm not particularly confident about that continuing, though, because last year we started a period of really high COVID transmission. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. Here's their data, and charts you can play with, and links to detailed information on how they did all of this:

Here's a non-paywalled link to it:

https://archive.vn/2024.01.26-012536/https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/coronavirus-excess-deaths-estimates

Oh: here's a link to where you can buy comfy, effective N95 masks in all sizes:

Those ones are about a buck each after shipping - about $30 for a box of 30. They also have sample packs for a dollar, so you can try a couple of different sizes and styles.

You can wear an N95 mask for about 40 total hours before the effectiveness really drops, so that's like a dollar for a week of wear.

They're also family-owned and have cat-shaped masks and I really love them. These ones are cuter and in a much wider range of colors, prints, and styles, but they're also more expensive; they range from $1.80 to $3 for a mask. ($18-$30 for a box of ten.)

#covid isn't over #covid 19 #disability rights #disability advocacy #wear a mask #covid conscious #covid cautious #mask up #wall of words #public health #health care