#look my siblings were not taught healthy coping skills

[pinky-the-elephant-room]

Restart

AN: Ok so I’ve been gone for a while but I’ve hit a milestone in my followers and I decided to write one for my original anime hubby. He’s an oldie but a classic. Everyone loves Kakashi-sensei. Anyway It’s a long one so I hope you enjoy!

Warning: Implied smut but fairly SFW. 

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Everyone has read the Fanfiction, and everyone has read the stories. Someone mysteriously dies and gets reborn in a new world. Only to train and become a badass before eventually getting their favorite character to fall in love with them. All while changing the story to prevent people, they’ve never met from dying. It was a wish fulfilment story and it works as entertainment. But real life is so much more difficult than anyone realizes.

Because in the end the person I was before never really changed even when I was reborn into a world of ninjas.

My first memory that I can clearly remember is eating ice cream outside my parent’s farm. I was born in a mundane village a few miles from Konoha. Ice cream was a rare summer treat that my parents occasionally indulged me and my five siblings in. It was on this rice farm where I spent the first five years of my childhood. I went to a civilian school that taught me to write and read before spending the rest of my days helping my family. I remembered nothing from my previous life. Just flashbacks and deja vus that left reminiscent feelings lurking in the back of my mind. Kanji was unexpectedly hard for me versus my sibling who picked it up with ease. Yet, when I finally grasped the language, I kept journals of writings not knowing that it was a passion resembling my former self. I also never understood my connection with cats. I was known as the resident cat girl that went around picking up stray cats to bring back to our farm. And the cats formed a bond, only tolerating me and hissing at everyone else who dared to approach them.

The peaceful years unfortunately didn’t last. Over the years war and bandits took a toll on our quiet town and maintaining a farm was no longer profitable. So, my parents made the decision to sell off their land and move to Konoha. Though, my parents were apprehensive, me and my sibling were ecstatic at living in a shinobi village. Everyone knew of shinobis, the legends surrounding them. Tales of bravery, heartache, and loyalty, it fascinated the residents of the village.

We moved into Konoha early August just before winter arrived and were citizens after 3 months. The process was short due to our lack of shinobi lineage and arriving from a civilian farm town. It was in Konoha that I really got my first exposure to what shinobis actually were. Seeing them jump off the roofs while my father tended his produce stall was mesmerizing. Playing ninja with the rest of the kids and constantly being surrounded by the hype eventually got to the point where I wanted to become a ninja myself. Along with two of my younger siblings, I begged my parents to attend the academy. They eventually relented when they realized the village offered funding for civilian children to attend. I was the only one out of my siblings to pass the entrance exam. I was the only one physically fit enough where they thought I had potential. when I left for that first day, it led to some tantrums and pouting from my siblings who didn’t make it. They eventually overcame their jealousy. They loved to hear about each and every new jutsu that I learned.

It was at the academy when I first saw him. It was him who destroyed my delusions and awakened my suppressed memories. It was Itachi Uchiha. Yet, despite his young age he kept up with the rest of his older classmates. He was only 5 years old, a prodigy amongst prodigies. When I saw his cherub, cute face for the first time, it gave me a headache. It started off as a numbing sensation on the side of my head. I collapsed on my bed from the exhaustion, closing my eyes because the blurred vision made the pain that much worse. I slept off my headache for the rest of the day. And all my previous memories were unlocked.

I was a boring human being. A lazy person who had a multitude of mental issues that barely survived off my paycheck. Got married to an equally mundane individual and by the time we were 30, the passion had worn off. We never got divorced, too afraid of dating again and leaving our two children without each other. The only happiness that kept me grounded was my writing and my hobbies. Growing up I loved anime and lessened as I grew up with more and more responsibility. But Naruto was my childhood and coping mechanism when I got bullied. And out of Naruto was my favorite character, Itachi Uchiha.

I don’t think I need to explain why anyone likes Itachi. From his tragic background and his love for his younger brother. Once as a naïve girl, I wanted to find someone like him or at least wished for a brother who loved his younger siblings like he did. And now somehow those desires came true. Because he sat only 3 rows away. Coupled with my new body’s memories of admiration for the young boy and along with my love and knowledge of what he was going to do in the future, made me yearn for him.

Not in a weird, sexual way. After all, I was still only 8 and he 5, but I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to be his confidant and most of all I wanted to save him.

When I spotted him alone at a lunch break, I decided to go introduce myself. This was going to be the new beginning of a friendship and hopefully more down the lane.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before approaching the quiet boy.

“Hello, are you Itachi-kun? Nice to meet you! I’m L/N Y/N and I sit behind you,” I cheerfully said and waved at him excitedly.

He blinked slowly and stared at me for a few minutes.

“Yes…. Nice to meet you too,” he uttered.

He stared at me for a few more minutes, making the situation more and more awkward. I let out a nervous chuckle and shuffled my feet at his intense gaze.

Itachi raised his eyebrow as if asking if I wanted anything else.

“Well I-“ I began, but was interrupted by a loud screech.

A boy collided with Itachi and knocked him over. The two tussled for a few minutes, the unknown boy laughing gleefully. While Itachi just sighed and dodged his rambunctious friend.

“Oy! Itachi, did you bring an extra bento that Mikoto-sama prepared?” The boy looked up and I stopped breathing.

It was a clearly healthy and alive, Shisui Uchiha. After a few minutes as the boys conversed, Shisui finally noticed me standing awkwardly in front of them.

He looked at me curiously and asked, “who are you?”

“That’s just my classmate. Anyway, Shisui I have my bento over there. Come,” the solemn boy said. The two boys then left while I just watched wide eyed.

Ok, so the first introduction didn’t go as I planned but I tried multiple times. However, each attempt was just as awkward as the first as I stammered and squirmed in front of Itachi’s inquisitive gaze. Apparently, my inept skills at talking to boys had somehow labeled me as a fangirl, I overheard the young boy tell his cousin.

Once after class, I watched a pretty Izumi clutch a content Itachi as he conversed with Shisui. The three Uchiha unaware of the turmoil in my heart as they went home for the day happily. I realized that day Itachi didn’t have a place for me. This world had no place for me because I was never meant to be here. This story wasn’t mine and it was never going to be.

I never tried again to attempt a conversation, too embarrassed by being called a fangirl. Before I knew it, the year was over and Itachi had graduated early along with his talented cousin. Farther away from my reach than ever, I again realized the difference between myself and the genius. I was still stuck in the academy at 9 years old with my peers. Most of all I knew in the depths of my heart that I couldn’t save him from his fate. Reality was much more bitter than anyone realized.

As for me I finally graduated on my birthday and my parents took us all out for yakitori at a restaurant. I was still going to try my hardest to be the best shinobi I possibly could be. At least if I couldn’t save Itachi and the Uchiha from the inevitable, which I doubt most people in my place could.

Unfortunately for me, my hardest didn’t amount to much. My sensei was a young impatient Genma who ironically had a toothpick in his mouth instead of a senbon. Let me summarize it for you, my team failed. Miserably. I stood there in horror, watching as my hopes and dreams for the future dissolved right in front of me. I rushed after Genma, pleading, and begging for another chance. Even resorting to full on ugly crying while he stood looking painfully uncomfortable.

“Please! I just wanna make a difference!” I begged as tears dripped down my face.

He sighed. “Fine! Just please stop crying. You’re embarrassing yourself and me.”

Genma recommended me for the Genin corps. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, but I also didn’t want to go back to academy. I figured if I spent a year on the corps, I could eventually find myself a Genin team before advancing onto Chunin.

However, once again what actually happened was far from my expectation. I didn’t spend a year or 2 years. I spent 7 years on the Genin corps. S-E-V-E-N. Years. I even spent a year on a Genin team when I was 13 only to realize my potential compared to my peers was very low. Don’t get me wrong my reincarnated body was ten times healthier and in shape than my previous coach potato one. I could barely run a mile in my previous life whereas now I could run 3 miles. However, that achievement paled in comparison to the average ninja. No matter what I did, whether it was taijutsu, genjutsu, or even ninjutsu was dull compared to everyone else. My punches lacked force, I didn’t have enough chakra for the higher level jutsus, and I couldn’t even tell the difference between a basic genjutsu to a complicated one.

Basically, I sucked, so I stuck to Genin corps. For the money of course, it paid pretty well in comparison to civilian jobs. I bought an apartment at 15 and I was able to provide for myself. But the crushing truth took a toll on my mental health. I just spend the time where I wasn’t working in my bed. I barely had energy to feed myself. I didn’t snap out of until I got straightened out by my mother.

“Y/N! When was the last time you took a bath or had a proper night sleep?!” Okasan yelled when she made an impromptu visit to my apartment.

I shrugged and took a bite of my rice ball that Okasan so nicely prepared for me.

“Look, I know being a ninja was your goal. But not everything in life works out. And not everyone has to be a shinobi to have a good life!” she said as her eyes softened.

“But what else am I supposed to do? I’ve been training to be a shinobi since I was 8 years old and none of the other jobs pay so generously,” I replied dully.

Okasan reached over and patted my hand. “Well, you don’t have to quit being a Genin just yet. Try new things or figure what else you want to do before you retire. Hell, when was the last time you had a hobby? You don’t even write like you use to.”

I considered it, maybe I could take up calligraphy or start writing again like I used to. I haven’t written anything down since I made Genin.

“Alright, I’ll think about it. But I’m not promising anything,” I grumbled.

“As long as you snap out of this funk and start taking care of yourself is all I ask for, Y/N” Okasan said with a soft smile.

It took a while after that conversation, but little by little I started to put in effort again. I cut my shaggy hair into an acceptable style, showered every day, and ate my meals on time. I even adopted a little stray off the streets that made itself home in my small apartment. One night coming home after my late shift, I stopped by a bookstore to buy a sturdy journal. I started off by journaling my daily life before letting my creative mind drift. In my previous life, I was a self-published erotica writer that basically did it for fun. Maybe it was something I could attempt again.

There were many drafts before I settled on a topic that I felt passionate about. In the Elemental nations, they idealized a woman who waited. Just take the bestselling Icha Icha novel for example, it involved a ninja who abandoned his wife because he was scared his enemies would target her. He spent the entire novel hoeing his way through the countries, only to realize he was still in love with his wife. The wife, who by the way, spent years celibate and faithfully waiting for her husband. That novel made me infuriatingly mad because it highlighted the double standards of the world I was born in so well. Hell, even in the future Sakura and Hinata would waste their lives, faithfully waiting on the men they love to reciprocate their feelings.

So, for my novel I decided to juxtapose those stereotypes by writing a novel about a woman named Sayaka whose boyfriend would break up with her, unknowing she was pregnant with his child. She spends her life trying to provide for her child, only for him to be kidnapped because he had a rare keikei genkai. She hires a local mercenary (Mahiro) except he’s not interested in her money but rather her. The rest of the plot was not decided yet, but I would see where it goes and plan accordingly.

The more I wrote the better I felt and the disappointment that was my career no longer felt like a death sentence. Without a laptop or anything to help me write, I had to resort to buying a used typewriter. Still I would rush home each day, excited to write another chapter. Or to get lost in the filthy world of the mercenary and desperate mother. There weren’t a lot of people I could trust to edit so I spent months editing and reediting until I had the best version of my novel. And then when I was done, I had no idea what to do with it. Did I really want to become an erotica author in this world? As violent as it was, the Elemental nations were still conservative regarding sexuality. There were many female readers who loved Icha Icha but didn’t show it in public because it was seen as a dirty book for old men. After much deliberation, I decided to contact publishing agencies that weren’t affiliated with Icha Icha.

Waiting for their responses took months and many rejections before my novel was picked up by a small agency that mostly published Nonfiction. The agency would send an editor to talk about contracts and the novel itself to Konoha. So, by my 18th birthday, I was anxiously awaiting where else fate would take me.

The editor and I had decided on a family restaurant to meet up and I dressed in my best clothes to give off the optimum impression. I really wanted this to work out for me. For once.

It didn’t take long before a harried young man in a suit came in and looked around anxiously.

“Nino-san! Over here!” I called out and waved my hand to get his attention.

He looked at me in surprise and sat down across from me.

“Uh, hello. Excuse me can you tell when Y/N-san will arrive? I’m kind of on a deadline.”

I looked at him weirdly. “Um, I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you,” I said cautiously.

He stuttered wildly, blushing as he pointed at me. “B-be serious! No way are you her! You’re way too young to be writing such a – “

“Filthy, dirty novel?” I finished wryly.

He shook his head vigorously. “No! I meant such a hardcore erotica! I-I’m so sorry that came out wrong.”

I just laughed. “It’s ok. I’m a shinobi, we age faster than we look due to the trauma.”

We spent the next hour talking about the novel itself and how it would be promoted.

“So, Y/N-san. Our agency usually doesn’t deal with erotica. But your novel has a good chance to sell well if someone promoted it correctly. We want this to be known as the Icha Icha for women.”

I felt my eyebrows furrow. “Isn’t that a little presumptuous? Won’t I just get hate if I don’t live up to the expectations?”

The man let out a chuckle. “That’s true but I don’t think most people will be disappointed by it. Besides it’s very important for new authors to get their name out there. Maybe for future sequels we can tone it down, but for the first one we want to start off with a bang! Any publicity is better than none,” he reasoned.

Realizing the editor might have a point, I agreed and signed a contract with the publishing agency. The novel was due to be out December which is 6 months from now on. For the first time in a while I had achieved my goals. I had managed something without it going terribly wrong.

I got a small sum of money when I signed the contract, but I really wouldn’t be to collect royalties until the book was published. So, for the rest of my time I diligently did my job as a Genin by delivering messages and other nonsense jobs that were left over. As I avoided the shinobi bars that were filled with accomplished Chunins and Jounins, I promised myself that I would never again be embarrassed to walk these streets again. For the past few years, I had kept my eyes down as I walked through the villages as I got older and older, yet I still remained a Genin.

‘Please no more. Give me something to be proud of.’ I begged in my mind. Even if it meant a trashy porn, I was so low on self-esteem, anything would be worthwhile.

Luckily for me, it seemed like 18 years of bad karma was finally going to be turned around as the date to publish my novel got closer and closer. The agency hadn’t lied, they promoted my novel almost aggressively. Every bookstore had huge advertisement declaring the next big hit. Though, I had giggled almost manically when I saw the book’s cover for the first time. It reminded me of the many trashy novels from my previous life with the man’s shirtless abs on display with a beautiful woman clinging. However, for my novel it was obviously a rogue shinobi with his chest on display as a young girl clutched his biceps. Scarlet Heart series was the name I had chosen, and it stood out on the erotic cover. I saw many curious women fluttering around the display, almost shy in showing their interest. I even saw a man pulling away his pregnant wife as she read the synopsis, muttering angrily to himself.  

When the launch of the book occurred, I holed myself in my apartment. I tried to relax and keep myself busy so I wouldn’t be too occupied with the reactions. I even took an entire week off from my usual work, feigning sickness in my family. I hung out with my oldest brother and his newborn son, trying to reacquaint myself with the siblings that I had long neglected.

I met up later with my editor to discuss how the book was faring, hopefully it did decent enough that I could have reason to continue my story. We met up at the same restaurant as before and Nino gave me a brilliant smile that quelled my fears.

“Y/N-san, your book’s sales did amazing in Konoha followed by Iwa and Kumo. The marketing towards women paid off because most of the sales came from women in their 20s to 40s. Heck, there were even a substantial amount from men who were curious. I think you should definitely continue this series. Do you have an idea where you’re going to take the story?” he gushed with excitement.

I sighed with relief, “I’m glad. I was so worried about the response I didn’t even go near any bookstores! As for sequels I have an inkling. I still have to work out everything, but I want to introduce Sayaka’s ex-boyfriend and maybe dabble in a proper love triangle.”

Nino-san nodded and said, “you should be careful how you write that triangle though. Some love triangles can get tedious and annoying, but it does play its part well in keeping the audience’s interest.”

Nino-san and I eagerly discussed the future for Scarlet Heart. I felt a flutter in my heart, knowing that for the first in forever I had something to look forward to.

 Time Skip~ 1-year Kakashi POV:

Really with everything he had endured in his life, you would think the world would be willing to give him a break, right? Nope!

Most think it started with Obito’s death, but he thought it started with his father’s suicide that really began the downward spiral. Nevertheless, after his teammate’s death, he and Rin had rushed into a presumably “relationship”. But really it was a way to keep her close, so he didn’t lose anyone else. They never even kissed though he knew Rin desperately wanted to do all the things that couples do. But he remained closed off in those four months before she was killed. By him no less.

Afterwards included him coping with his trauma by joining Anbu (and for a short while Root). His sensei became Hokage; but even he would pass away along with his wife, leaving behind a tiny blond sacrifice for the village to turn their resentment against.

But he was getting ahead himself months before Rin’s death Jiraiya-sama had approached him with a gift.

Jiraiya gave him an exaggerated wink and giggled. “Here gaki. You’re so depressed that Minato and Kushina keep thinking they might have to stage an intervention. But what you need is a distraction and I have just the thing!”

He had handed over a book with a bright red cover before hopping roof to roof all the while laughing obnoxiously.

He took it with a surge of curiosity, emotions he hadn’t felt in a while since Obito tragically passed away (AKA crushed by a boulder, but he digresses).

That started his love, well more like obsession, with the Icha Icha series. First, he was revolted and ashamed, eager to find the Sannin and perhaps show him the effectiveness of his Chidori. But over time his curiosity couldn’t be contained, and he finished the naughty book in two days. He noticed how when he was occupied with the book, he hadn’t once thought of Obito and everything that was wrong with his life. Of course, he had a girlfriend then so he couldn’t risk being seen with the book outside of his humble apartment. But a year after Rin’s death, he ventured out with his hobby. The reactions of the general public had amused him beyond belief and a strange sense of vindictive righteousness set upon seeing his Anbu kohais’ reactions.

The reactions only encouraged him to read everywhere and anywhere. He even managed to piss off Gai once as the incensed man ran away to do a 100 more laps around the village. It didn’t last long before he reappeared to challenge Kakashi once more, but Kakashi appreciated the brief reprieve.

Anyway, the point of this rather tragic flashback wasn’t to gain sympathy for himself, but to showcase the real injustice that occurred at his tender age of 25. His beloved Icha Icha had a rival apparently. Which was bullshit, obviously. He wasn’t blind to the errors of the pornographic novel. The plot was simple, characters were paper-thin, and as more novels debuted in the series, the more apparent the similarities between each novel became. But the series was fast moving, the sex was incredibly detailed and arousing, and the series was frankly addicting. Once someone became a fan, it was impossible not to reach for the next one.

So, when he heard about this supposed series that was going to rival Icha Icha, he had scoffed and rolled his eyes. Many contenders claimed the same thing before they faded off into oblivion when everyone realized the superiority of Icha Icha. The first four months of the series’ debut he made it his mission to ignore all the hype and kept rereading his collection. After all, when the next issue of Icha Icha released, everyone would forget the hype of this wannabe.

Unfortunately, the world never adheres to his expectations and loves to fuck him over every chance it got. Kakashi, once again, had failed another Genin team because Hokage-sama thought he had potential as a sensei. He must have been smoking that pipe too much lately. The rest of his fellow Jounin invited him to a bar where he reluctantly agreed and was dragged off by Asuma.

They settled in and ordered some drinks, while Kakashi read his book, half listening to the conversation around him.

“I’m telling you this book is really good. I know people say it’s for women, but it’s so much more than that.” Kurenai persuaded Genma who just looked skeptical.

“Even Asuma liked it!” She pointed to the smoker who just looked embarrassed at the sudden attention.

Asuma cleared his voice a couple times. “Well, it’s not that bad at all. It kept me busy for a couple of hours for a few days.”

Kurenai rolled her eyes at him. “He loved it. He told me he did.”

Kakashi’s interest peaked and he lowered his book down.

“Wait, are you talking about that new series that everyone’s losing their minds over?”

Kurenai’s eyes lit up and she looked eager rather than the calm, collected Jounin she usually was.

“Yeah, you read it Kakashi? I never thought for once you would put down that trash and try something else.”

Kakashi felt his ire rise and his single visible eyesmiled at the red eyed kunoichi.

“Why Kurenai doesn’t that book also have porn in it? Doesn’t that mean you read trash too?”  

Kurenai’s cheeks heated up. “Well, it does but it’s also about a betrayed woman who learns to love again and honestly it’s much more nuanced than whatever Icha Icha achieved in its six sequels.”

Kakashi felt his eyebrows rise. He highly doubted that, but he couldn’t help but add in.

“And how do you know what’s in Icha Icha?”

The blush on Kurenai’s face deepened. “I might have read it but only because Anko forced me to. To ‘loosen’ up or whatever that means.”

Their fellow Jounin chuckled as Kurenai tossed back a drink as she tried to cool her overheated face.

The conversation moved on mercifully for the embarrassed woman, but Kakashi also lost his interest and he returned to the passage where Misaki was educating her lover on the preciseness of oral sex.

Kakashi hoped that would be the last time he ever heard of that book. But again, the hype for this novel continued. He spotted more women with erotica in their hands than he ever did in his lifetime. Even kunoichi seemed to have lost their minds as the book was the hot topic no matter where he went. Even the Hokage’s secretary was seen reading the porn while she was on the job. He was sick and tired of hearing about this supposedly incredible book. Kakashi just wanted to read his book in peace can’t the village go back to a time where it wasn’t consumed by porn?

Kakashi sighed as another day passed and yet another Genin team failed. When will Hokage-sama finally get the message he just wasn’t cut out for teaching? He sighed with relief as he flipped the entrance banner of Ichikaru Ramen and sat down on one of the stools.

“Just a miso ramen. Thanks,” he called out tiredly. Kakashi looked around the restaurant and was surprised to see another person at the other end. He barely noticed her; her chakra presence wasn’t much. She was just in a plain white t shirt and some pants. A civilian he guessed. Kakashi turned back when his order was placed in front of him. He stealthily looked around the restaurant and saw no one was paying attention to him. He pulled down his mask and started eating his meal. It was nice not to eat in big gulps for once lest someone saw his face.

When he was halfway through his meal, he heard the sound of someone turning pages and muttering. He turned around to see his neighbor writing in her book and she seemed to be fairly frustrated. Just as Kakashi was about to turn around and mind his business, he noticed that the book was the infamous Scarlet Hearts. He internally groaned. Really? Just how bad was his luck?

“Is the book any good?” He called out to the young girl.

Oh, damn why was he getting her attention? Abort!  Abort! This day didn’t consist of making polite conversations with a civvie.

Just as he was about to maybe perform a last minute shunshin, the girl looked up at him and stared at him in surprise.

He felt nervous when she just kept staring at him for a while. Did she recognize him as the “friend killer” and infamous “copycat ninja”?

“Uh- Hello?” He waved his hands in front of her face.

The girl looked startled and flushed. “Oh, sorry. I got lost in thought. What was your question again?”

Kakashi pointed at her book and asked, “the book, is it as good as the hype says it is?”

She just seemed even more startled by the fact that he was asking about her book. “W-well, I’m not sure about other people’s opinions. But it’s worth reading just for curiosity’s sake. I found it pretty good.”

Kakashi stared at the awful book, wishing he could set it on fire just by glaring at it. “See, I don’t see why people are comparing it to Icha Icha. It can’t possibly be that good!”

“I kind of have to agree on that. The marketing really didn’t do it justice,” the girl muttered.

Kakashi tilted his head towards the younger girl and sent a relaxed smile her way. “Ah, thank you. Finally, someone who understands.”

The girl shook her head. “I meant trying to compare the two books wasn’t a good idea. They’re two different books, the only thing they have in common is that they both have explicit scenes.”

Seeing the confused look on his face, the girl further elaborated. “Icha Icha is intended for a one type of audience and it does its job well. There’s nothing wrong with that after all it has an ardent fan in you. But I feel like Scarlet Heart can be enjoyed by any mature individual. And for me what’s the most important thing is that it portrays its women realistically. Icha Icha is based off this fantasy, ideal type of woman who doesn’t have any drama of her own and goes around solving the male character’s issues. Or she’s a passive victim in the overall story for the hero to win over. This heroine in Scarlet Heart is cynical, hard to get to know due to her past. The male character is a typical chauvinistic guy who thinks he can have anyone he wants. But over time as they get to know each other the layers fall apart to show two lonely people who’ve been waiting for someone to connect to.”

Kakashi looked at the girl critically who sent a tentative smile to him after her long explanation. Her features were quite plain and at first glance she wasn’t anything exceptional to look at. But her smile lit up her entire face.  He thought over her words, no one had ever explained the book quite like that. But then again, he never gave them the time to explain either. Perhaps, he was wrong to do so.

“Here maybe you would like to form an opinion yourself and see if it holds up,” she said as she handed over her own copy of Scarlet Heart.

He grabbed it from her grip, touching her soft hands by accident, quickly pulling away. “Are you sure? Weren’t you writing in it earlier?”

With a cute prominent blush, she replied, “it’s fine I bought that paperback copy to write in. I have another one at home. You can keep it. If we meet again tell me what you thought of it.”

Kakashi nodded and put the book with his Icha Icha in the weapon pouch on his hip.

“Mah, I’m sure we will. By the way what’s your name? After all, when I see you next time, I have to thank the person who will put up with my complaints.”

“Oh, I’m L/N Y/N. Nice to meet you,” she said with another bright grin aimed his way.

Ignoring the unconscious shivers that erupted on his body, he returned it with another one of his patent fake smiles.

“Hatake Kakashi. Nice to meet you as well, Y/N-san.”

The conversation died a few minutes later and he paid for his meal before leaving for his lonesome apartment. Maybe today the lonely dwelling won’t be so bad to deal with, what with new reading material the night might just pass by really quickly.

   Return to Reader’s POV

You know when I began my porn writing journey in the Naruto world, I never for a second thought I would attract Kakashi’s attention. I mean I knew he read porn, but I honestly thought he would stay attached to Icha Icha forever. In the anime, he still read the book even years after Jiraiya’s death, so it just goes to show how much of a devoted fan he was.

When I met him accidently in Ichikaru Ramen, I was in a state of shock. I’m pretty sure he thought I was just another weird fangirl. ‘Just like Itachi.’ I couldn’t help but think.

But him asking about my novel and actually pouting about the attention it gained made me giggle even hours later. Still giving away the novel I was rereading to spot mistakes and plot holes was bold. I genuinely hoped he liked the novel; it would be a huge compliment if I managed to change his perspective. I know I wasn’t ever going to change his mind about Icha Icha, but he had plenty of money to support both series. I probably wasn’t ever going to see him again, but it was nice to interact with a canon character for once without entirely embarrassing myself.

I shook off the excitement from interacting with the scarecrow sensei and tried to focus on brainstorming my second novel. The love triangle was going to become much more integral in this part and I was going have to work extra hard to make readers sympathize and like Shoutaro. Because many of my readers were already enamored with the hotheaded, flirtatious mercenary with a heart of gold, Mahiro. The best way to build the triangle was to showcase pros and cons of both men. Thereby making the triangle stronger and give readers something to root for. While there would be only one man who would get the girl, I wanted readers to feel conflicted between the two men. However, to keep the choice from happening out of nowhere, I also had to hint throughout the novel why Mahiro and Sayaka was the best choice. So, by the third novel when Sayaka made her choice, it wouldn’t seem like it happened out of nowhere. Indeed, the sequel was harder to write than the first one because I had high expectations to overcome this time. Brainstorming even took longer than normal. Though, it was challenging, I decided needed a break and took a trip to the markets to finally restock my empty fridge.

Slowly I made my way through the vegetable stalls and tried to pick out the ripest ones. Most people usually tried to barter the prices. However, since the massive royalties I had more money than I knew what to do with and so I paid the full amount at each stall. Most of the produce stalls were run by elderly couples and they needed the money for their livelihood.

I bowed to an obasan and thanked her when she gave a few extra tomatoes after I paid.

“You know most people would try to barter the prices down to a fair price,” a deep voice interrupted just as I was about to walk away.

I jumped and almost dropped my produce. A steady hand gripped my hips and set me right. I looked up to the masked, silver haired Jounin. I blushed, feeling his strong hands on my body. His single eye widened a bit before he relaxed and let go of me.

“You ok?” he asked.

“Y-yes, thank you. Hatake-san,” I stuttered and bowed my head.

“Ma, no need to call me Hatake-san. That makes me feel older than people think I am.” He said as he waved off my gratitude.

“Hai, K-kakashi-san then. What are you doing here? No offense but I didn’t realize that elite shinobis had time to shop and cook for themselves.”

It was true from what I heard. All elite shinobi, especially men, rarely cooked for themselves relying on easy to make or restaurants meals to get them through the day. Some even ate rations to forgo meals in a rush.

Kakashi raised his eyebrow at me. “Well, I was actually looking for you. I’ve finished the book you loaned me after a week. It’s only right to return it.”

I shook my head. “It’s alright. I told you to keep it didn’t I?”

I felt my head get hit lightly by something. I looked up to see it was my paperback novel. When did he pull that out? Did he have it on him all this time and I didn’t noticed it until now?

“You’re quite stubborn, aren’t you? Let’s just say I needed an excuse to find my partner in crime and tell her my opinion of the book.”

I sighed, realizing that I couldn’t get away from his rant that he will no doubt tell me with relish on how much he hated the book.

“Alright, but I have to put my groceries away.” I said lifting my bags.

“It’s fine. As long as it isn’t milk or meat it wouldn’t be spoiled for a few hours. Come on, I’ll treat you to some dango.” He walked away slightly slouched and relaxed with his hands in his pockets.

I looked after him helplessly, hesitating on whether I should follow or not.

“You better follow him, jou-chan. He’s quite handsome,” the obasan said as she helped another customer. A few giggles slipped out from the customer and I felt my cheeks go hot from embarrassment. I bowed and thanked the elderly lady again before following the Jounin.

I caught up to him in no time, we both walked silently before we came onto the small stand that was selling the sweet.

Kakashi told me to take a seat on a bench nearby as he grabbed the sweets. I put down my groceries near me as I waited for my companion to return.

He came back with two skewers of dango and handed me one while he held onto the other one.

“So, what did you think of the novel?” I asked as I took a bite of the dango.

“I hate it to admit it but it’s good. Not better than Icha Icha of course, but it’s better than some of the others that tried to ride the coattails of Icha Icha.”

I felt a burst of butterflies inside my stomach and I leaned forward eagerly. “Really?!! What did you like it about it specifically?”

He seemed amused at my enthusiasm. “Ah, well I liked how the author built up the romance. They didn’t have sex right away, but when they did it made sense-“

I felt my heartbeat increase and my ears felt hot when I heard the word sex come out of Kakashi’s mouth. How did I ever not know how nice his deep voice was? I bet he would be really good at dirty talk—Ahh, nononono. That was not a good topic to think about while you’re talking to the man. I bit my lip to concentrate on what Kakashi was trying to tell me.

“And I like how the female characters made smart decisions and acted cautiously instead of getting kidnapped all the time. It made them seem like real people instead of plot conveniences.” He finished with an eyesmile.

I returned his smile, liking that he appreciated the portrayal of the female characters. Some of the detractors apparently didn’t like the more rounded characters and felt they should just be used as sauce instead of being the main dish.

“Do you prefer the woman in Scarlet Hearts or Icha Icha?” I asked playfully.

He narrowed his eyes at my tone. “Weeeell, the women in Icha Icha are much more beautiful, but the women in Scarlet Heart are more attainable than the ones in Icha Icha.”

I let out a laugh. “That’s nice to hear. But I’m pretty sure that Sayaka isn’t a real person. Sorry, Kakashi-san.”

He let out a disappointed sigh. “I guess I will have to safeguard my heart until I can find someone close to her then.”

I snorted knowing Kakashi would remain single even at the end of the series where everyone was getting married and having kids.

“What? You think it’s hopeless?”

I just sent him an innocent smile and said,” I have no idea what you’re talking about Kakashi-san.”

Me and Kakashi stayed for a few more minutes before I decided to head home. Kakashi stuck close to me, telling me he would keep me company until I arrived. He looked surprise at the neighborhood I was living in. The small apartment I was previously inhabited was now upgraded to an upscale three-bedroom apartment. It was a safe neighborhood that was occupied by wealthy merchants and high-ranking shinobis. I ignored his reaction and continued to walk toward my apartment.

When I had trouble trying to juggle my groceries and trying to grab my keys from my purse, Kakashi stepped in to grab my bags. I thanked him and opened the door. He casually walked in and left the bags in the kitchen at my directions.

“Would you like some tea? I think some tea would be good with the sweets we just had.” Kakashi just nodded in agreement as he looked around my apartment. The tiny stray who I adopted became a giant, fluffy monster who was now sniffing Kakashi’s feet and rubbing against his legs.

I giggled and left to make some iced sencha green tea. I tried not to let my excitement that THE Hatake Kakashi was standing in my living room, distract me from being a good host. I filled the glass with tea and dropped some ice cubes in it before putting it on a tray and bringing it out to the living room.

“Kakashi-san? Here’s your tea,” I called out happily and looking up to see Kakashi’s back.

I furrowed my eyebrows when he didn’t respond. “Kakashi-san?” He was still turned around and looking at something.

I put the tray down on a coffee table and approached the unresponsive Jounin. I looked down to see papers in his hand and felt my face pale drastically.

“A-ahhh! That’s not for your eyes!” I laughed hysterically and snatched my papers from his hands. I quickly took all my notes and notebooks which I brainstormed in and dropped them off in my bedroom. With a head full of excuses as to why I had Scarlet Heart’s sequel on the sofa, I made my way back to Kakashi.

“You’re the author of Scarlet Heart?”Was the first thing he asked when he saw my face. I felt my face heat up.

“U-um, no! That was just me amateurly writing as to what I think will happen in the future!”

He shot me a serious look. “Do you think I’m stupid? That was the first chapter all neatly written down. And the character profiles of future characters like her ex-boyfriend are all filled out accurately. Plus, you’re a single young girl that’s living in such a rich neighborhood which many people can’t afford unless they have some serious cash. Cash from a recently released erotica maybe?”

His intense gaze made me sweat profusely and I couldn’t hold eye contact for more than a minute.

“Yes. Yes, I’m the author of Scarlet Hearts.” I whispered, looking at the ground.

I quickly gazed back at him when I heard a snort. Kakashi gave me an incredulous look.

“I can’t believe it. Even though I saw it with my own eyes. You’re so young! How old are you, 16?”

I pouted, puffing out my cheeks. “I’m 19! Besides you’re a shinobi what does age even matter? You’re a legal adult when you’re a Genin!”

Kakashi let out a chuckle and softly patted my head. “I know that but you’re a civilian so it’s different.”

I bit my lips deciding whether to tell him I was actually a former Genin corps. Deciding I didn’t need the genius looking at me in pity, I didn’t correct him.

“Well, now that you know. Please keep this a secret, ok? I just want to live in anonymity and write my books. Hence the pen name.”

Kakashi agreed and messed with my hair some more.

“You got it, Y/N-chan.” I blushed at the added chan in my name.

He downed his iced tea in a hurry when an Anbu appeared at the window with a mission for him. I watched with amazement as Kakashi disappeared with a shunshin and then scowled heavily looking at all the leaves on the floor of my apartment.

“Note to self. Do not let elite shinobi shunshin in and out of my apartment,” I grumbled to myself as I swept up.

Kakashi’s POV 2

You know how once you find out something about someone it changes how you look at them. He was now intensely curious about Y/N. He figured she was a normal innocent girl, but boy was he wrong about everything. How was he supposed to know that the sex scenes that had him riveted to the point that he took a shower to calm himself before he resumed reading was written by a cherub slip of a girl? After his discovery Kakashi was unable to leave her alone. He frequently took time out of day when he wasn’t on a mission or training his helpless cute team (he had a team now!!), he was spending time with Y/N. It was kind of weird at first after all he went out of his way to avoid human contact, but in this case, he wanted to know what made her tick. All her favorite things and her habits. Kakashi wanted to know what made her sad or what made her be flushed with happiness.

Most of all he wanted to know how she came up with all the scenarios in her novel. But even he knew that if he asked her bluntly, she would no doubt kick him out of her apartment and refuse to speak to him again. It also didn’t help that his imagination went wild each time he saw her. All those scenarios would inappropriately pop up in his head and she would star in all of them. The blush on her face gave him a good idea on how she would look with her eyes dilated and with him on top. Whenever that happened the excitement coursing through would become prominent and he had to take a few breaths to calm him down. Imagining Gai in a bikini always did the trick for him.

Kakashi, after months of speculation, came to one conclusion as why Y/N was so fascinating. He wanted her. He wanted her in a way that men who were attracted to women did. In a way that meant commitment and all the mushy feelings. He groaned at that idea, Kakashi so didn’t want to act like Minato-sensei whenever he was around his hot-headed wife.

He could just ignore the feelings; he was quite good at ignoring all the turmoil inside of him. But his crisis shinobi therapist said he could no longer do that. He had to solve his lingering issues if he wanted to move forward with his life like his survivor’s guilt and his unresolved issues with his dead father. So that meant he had to make it obvious to Y/N that he liked her. Should he shout his youthful love on the top of the Hokage mountain at early in the morning like Gai would do? Kakashi chuckled at the novel idea. Ok, he was trying to get her to date him not run away from him. Luckily for him, fate decided to not be a bitch this time and give Y/N a nudge.

Kakashi was inside of her apartment like he usually was nowadays with her round monster of a cat on his lap. He absentmindedly patted the feline as he purred away like no one’s business. His ninken weren’t happy with him lately, but they will have to put up with it because Y/N was going to be around him for a long time if he had anything to say about it. He looked at Y/N who was hard at work on her second novel, typing away at the machine she called a typewriter. No matter what Kakashi did today, he wasn’t able to get her attention. She was intensely focused on the sex scenes apparently, which was a shame. Because he was right here, and she could be doing much more than just imagining it.

A mischievous idea popped into his head.

“So, Y/N-chan,” he called out.

She responded with a distracted “hm”.

“Do those explicit parts have any truth to them?”

That got the attention of Y/N and she turned around with a confused look.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean most people write about what they know. So, I’m asking if you have attempted anything from the books you write?”

Kakashi had pride within himself for the many ways he made Y/N blush. But the flush on her cheeks, ears, and her neck had no rival with the way her eyes seem to swirl with embarrassment.

“Kakashi-kun! I-I-. You can’t just ask that!”

“It’s true though. Everyone does research for their novels. Especially Jiraiya-sama,” he stated nonchalantly despite his eyes beaming with amusement.

She pressed her hands against her overwhelmingly hot cheeks.

“I’m not like that Sannin! I’ve never had sex before! I’m still a virgin. I just write whatever pops into my head,” she mumbled out.

Kakashi got up and made his way to Y/N. He leaned into her face as Y/N tried to scramble back, trying to get some space in between them.

“Y/N, if you ever need inspiration for your book. I’m right here and I’m happy to volunteer for such a good cause,” he said cheekily.

Her eyes widened and she gaped at him. She blinked several times as if she couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth.

Kakashi touched her cheeks, breaking her out of the stupor she was in. As he stroked her soft skin with one hand, the other pulled down his mask to reveal his face.

Y/N let out a squeak and gazed hungrily at his exposed face. Kakashi never considered what people thought of his face honestly but her reaction was gratifying.

He leaned in even closer and her eyes fluttered closed at his proximity. Knowing she was anticipating as much he was, Kakashi wasted no time in connecting their lips. She tasted heavenly and she let out a moan when he gently nipped at her bottom lip. He’s kissed plenty of willing partners, but none excited him the way she did. Her scent and the way her breath hitched when he brought her into his embrace intoxicated him further. It was obvious from the way she was responding; Y/n didn’t have a lot of experience. But he held her face gently and slowly swirled his tongue around hers, guiding her through what might be her first kiss. When she got the hang of it, Kakashi removed his hands from her face to her hips. Not wasting another moment, he gripped her ass tightly and appreciated the thickness he had been admiring for a while. She was an eager little thing and greedy. Every time they separated for a breather; she came back with more intensity than before. It’s like he awakened something, and she was willing to take whatever she could get. Unfortunately for Y/N, he didn’t just want to spend his time kissing. No, he wanted to inspire a very, very naughty section that would light the imagination of every woman in Konoha.

Kakashi pecked her pink, swollen lips one time before removing himself. She looked earnestly at him, trying to reconnect.

“How about you and I head to your room. And I could show you the benefits of a chapter on oral sex,” he huskily whispered.

Apparently, Y/N didn’t need further prompting because she dragged him into her room and swiftly closed the door.

Kakashi spent the rest of the night fulfilling his promising words. And when the second novel of Scarlet Hearts came out, chapter 13 became infamous amongst all. And all the practitioners of oral sex cursed the author because they could not live up to the fantasy that chapter inspired.

#kakashi x you #kakashi x y/n #kakashi x reader #naruto fanfiction #naruto x reader #kakashi fanfiction #kakashi imagines #kakashi hakate #naruto

[logical-little-lies]

{Chapter 1- Small Beginnings}//Soft, Cute, and Far Smarter Than You [Sanders Sides Agere/CGLRE]

Here’s the story description+wattpad cover before you read the first chapter!!:

“Patton was spending every second he could learning about Logan.  Little Logan and Big Logan alike, both of them were definitely worth his time.  He's always wanted to be a dad, and playing the role for the little logical side came so easily for him. And the fact that he was slowly falling for Big Logan just made him all the more interested Maybe Logan hadn't been a regressor quite as long as Virgil had, but the coping skill definitely helped him just as much. From being a hyper toddler who just wants to read a children's book about space, to being a fourteen year old that is only interested in Sherlock and Netflix, every second is an adventure with a little who probably has a larger vocabulary than you do. So tag along for adventures, with two littles and two carers. A sibling like bond between the regressors, a secret shared between the sides. Prepare for a wild ride, because this is the beginning of a brand new life. Little Logan, no matter what age he was regressed to, would and always will be Soft, Cute, and Far Smarter Than You.”

--

"Logannnn!"

Logan was very much still asleep with Patton opened his door, waking him up with a sing-songy voice. It was weird, Patton checking on him every single morning. Logan knew it was just him checking if he'd have a baby for the day, or if Logan needed anything. He sat up a bit, rubbing at his eyes before looking up at Patton. His vision was still a bit blurry because he didn't have his glasses on, but he gave a soft wave.

"Still sleepy?" Patton chuckled, coming to the side of the bed and sitting down.

"mhm." was his only response.

"Virgil woke up pretty small today, and I wanted to check if you felt little too." Patton spoke after a few moments, "So...am I making breakfast for a toddler or not?"

Logan giggled at that, immediately covering his mouth with his hand. "Didn't mean that. No, m' big."

"Okay, so I'm guessing you're around five right now?" Patton teased, softly reaching over and tugging on his wrist so that his hand was pulled away from his face. Logan was blushing, looking around for one of his stuffed animals to hug. "Awe, sweetheart. I know being little and cutesy, especially around us is new for you, but you have nothing to be scared of."

"Pwomise?" Logan replied quickly, biting on his lip. Patton gave a soft smile, knowing the boy was regressing fully now.

"Absolutely, baby." he leaned forward, kissing his forehead softly.

This whole thing, Virgil and Logan being toddlers sometimes, it was new. Newer to Patton then it was to Roman, but either way it was an adjustment for everyone. Virgil had been regressing since he left the dark sides at the latest, but he had only told Roman about his littlespace three or so months ago. And the only reason he did so was because he involuntarily regressed while he was there to see.

Logan himself had been regressing knowingly for only a few months, but he had suspicions that he had been regressing much longer, he just didn't know what it was to label it. He thought it was some weird thing, not a completely healthy coping skill that was improving his mental health. So when Virgil slipped up at the dinner table just a few weeks ago and couldn't come up with a cover up, Logan was glad to hear that there was another little in the house.

Logan remembered the rant Patton gave Virgil and Logan, telling them that they shouldn't hide their regression, and now that everyone knew, they could regress whenever they wanted. Virgil came to Logan's room after dinner, and they talked for hours about what was previously a secret.

"I would've never pegged you as a regressor, but I guess it makes sense. You probably have the most stressful work out of all of us. This might be weird, but do you know your age range?"  Logan remembered him asking.

Logan remembered talking throughout the whole night, and ending up somewhat cuddled up in Logan's bed. They didn't regress that night, but they did both wake up small.

That day was no more then two weeks ago, and things were still being settled and figured out. Roman being Virgil's caregiver had already been arranged, but Logan didn't have a caregiver. He insisted that he didn't really need one, the only reason he told everyone was because they reacted well to Virgil and he didn't logically see the point in keeping in a secret when he knew that he'd most likely be accepted. He also knew it would make things easier, if he didn't have to hide and rush off to his room every single time he felt himself slipping.

And though he said that he didn't need a carer, doing things by himself that morning while watching Roman guide and baby Virgil kind of made him sad. That's when Patton stepped in, helping him and giving him affection, he did his best and his best was enough for Logan. So since then, every single morning, Patton would come to his room and ask if he was little. Most of the time, he wasn't, and he'd get a soft hug and a "breakfast will be ready soon". But when he was, like now, Patton would help him get ready for the day.

"Do you want a pacifier today, baby?" Patton asked softly, walking around his room to pull together an outfit. He looked at Logan, who nodded a bit. Patton gave him a soft smile, walking over to his dark blue dresser. He opened the bottom drawer, leaning down to retrieve the small black chest from it. He closed the drawer and came back over to his bed, sitting down next to where Logan was now sitting crisscross-applesauce on his bed.

Logan was now dressed in a blue sweater and a pair of black shortalls, content with the outfit Patton had picked out for him. Patton opened the small chest, turning it towards the boy. "Which one would you like, Little One?"

Logan looked inside the box, at the six different pacifiers. Two were plain solid-colored adult pacifiers (one dark blue, one white), two were modified baby pacifiers, and two were deco pacifiers. "I don know," he pouted, looking between them.

"One of the blue ones would probably match your outfit well?" Patton offered as advice. Logan hesitated, looking between the leftover options.

He picked out one of the decorative ones, it was pastel blue with the phrase 'baby' on the handle in white letter beads. There were different colored gems stuck on it, and the button of the pacifier there was a little heart that was blue and sparkly.

"It's so cute! You're so adorable oh my god-" Patton paused to take a breath, looking at the adorableness that was the little in front of him. He did that a lot, where he'd coo over him while he was supposed to be taking care of him. "Okay I'm sorry, here's a pacifier clip," he dug into the box, pulling out a white pacifier clip to attach his pacifier to his shirt.

"It's kay," Logan giggled at Patton, blushing a bit. He let Patton connect the pacifier to the clip, and then clip it to his overalls. He spat out the pacifier playfully, letting it hang from his shirt.

"Be careful, that one is a decorative one! You'll be sad if something falls off of it!" Patton warned, Logan pouting a bit.

"Noo, don't wan break it!" he squeaked, looking at the pacifier now for any sign of damage.

"It's all okay, Lo. I was just letting you know so that it didn't happen," Patton explained.

"Oh, okay..." Logan slipped the pacifier nipple back into his mouth before adjusting his gasses on his face.

"You ready to go downstairs? I'll let you have fruit and whipped cream for breakfast!" Patton offered. Logan bounced in place excitedly, moving to get off of his bed.

"Don't you want Lilly?" Patton asked, getting off the bed as well but not leaving.

"Oh! Liwwy!" Logan reached for the stuffed elephant in question, squeezing her in his arms. Patton chuckled at his adorable antics, reaching out his hand for him to take. Logan took it softly, letting Patton guide him down the stairs.

--

"Look, it's saturn!" Logan had this habit of switching what age he was regressed to in littlespace. Patton was starting to get used to him waking up really small and then adjusting later. No one was sure why he did it, but it was definitely noticeable. His pacifier hung somewhat-uselessly off of his overalls,and he was sitting next to Patton, reading picture books out loud.

Patton had taken over the very important job of holding Lilly while he read. "Yeah, I see it honey." Logan took this as a signal to continue reading his space book. Patton would act shocked at random facts, making Logan feel like he taught him something (which made him excited), and also point out the pictures in the book. If Logan began to stumble over a word, he'd point at it and Patton would help him sound it out.

Logan and Patton haven't officially talked about the whole caregiver thing, Patton just played the role when needed. Logan was definitely not secretly planning out how he was going to ask Patton to be his caregiver, that was surely not a thing he was considering.

Patton was just so good at helping him slip when he was close, and comforting him about not wanting to be small. "Baby, baby, baby. You're so cute!" Patton was practically squealing now, and he 'booped' Logan's nose softly. "You soft, little, cute thing I can't even-" he squeezed him into a hug. Logan giggled, scrunching his nose and kicking his feet a bit.

Roman chuckled, entering the living room with Virgil trailing behind him shyly. "I did the same thing when I first found out about this baby emo. I was like, so obsessed with how adorable he is," he sat on the couch near Logan and Patton, pulling Virgil onto the couch and setting him on his lap. Virgil was facing towards Roman, and he almost immediately buried his face in his chest.

"And you're not anymore?" Patton sounded as if he was betrayed or something.

"I got used to the adorableness, so I at the very least don't have a heart attack from the cuteness every single time." Roman lightly ran his fingers through Virgil's hair, causing him to hum.

Patton went to say something, but Logan tugged on Patton's hand to get his attention. "What is it, baby?" Patton spoke softly, looking at him in curiousity.

Logan silently pointed at the tv, mumbling something. "What was that, sweetheart?"

Logan whined, taking Lilly from Patton's lap and squeezing her tight. His picture book was abandoned beside him. "'Punzel!" he repeated louder, lifting Lilly up so that he was hiding behind her.

"You mean Rapunzel? You wanna watch Tangled, baby?" Roman translated for Patton. Logan nodded a bit.

"Oh, sure! We can put on Tangled for you!" Patton reached forward, getting the remote from the coffee table and turning on the tv. Roman distracted himself with talking to Virgil in his lap. Once Patton located Disney+ and went to search up the requested movie.

"We can make some lunch while the boys watch this," Roman suggested as Patton went to go play the movie. Virgil lifted his head from Roman's chest with a worried pout. "I'll be in the kitchen baby. If you really need me, I'm not far."

Virgil still pouted, but eased up. Roman kissed his forehead before moving him so that he was just sitting on the couch. Logan kinda went quiet, silently slipping his pacifier into his mouth and leaning back. "Okay, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me, sweetheart. I'll watch the movie with you after you two eat, okay?"

Logan gave a soft nod, smiling a bit. Patton gave him a kiss on the forehead, before leaving the boy. Patton hit the light switch on the way out, and the two littles settled in to watch the movie.

This whole family thing, being taken care of and having another little around, it was definitely different.

But it wasn't a bad different. Yeah, Logan was nervous to be openly little, as was Virgil. But, once they got over that nervousness, they'd form a family that would be full of adventures and memories.

And I have one thing to ask.

Will you stick around to see the adventures?

Will you stay and watch these four dorks form new memories?

Because this is definitely going to be a wild ride.

--

A/N: Hi! Welcome to my new story!! this is a quick intro with some exposition tied in there so that you know what's going on! If you have any questions comment them/send them to my inbox (Wattpad/Tumblr). This story will primarily feature Logan in middlespace (13-16), but toddlerspace!Logan (3-5)+kiddo!Logan (6-12) will also be included along the way! Virgil regresses between 6 months-5 years!

If you'd like, send your reactions/thoughts on this chapter to my inbox as well/comment them (again, tumblr vs wattpad). I'm excited to see what people think about this story!

also please reblog to share this if you like it!

#ts agere #sanderssidesagere #sanders sides agere #logan agere #littlelogan #lillogan #little logan #virgil agere #little virgil #lilvirgil #littlevirgil #cgpatton #cg patton #cgroman #cg roman #logicality agere #logicality slowburn #middlelogan #middlespacelogan #teenage regressor logan

[elowyn-ffxiv]

lfrp - elowyn nollett (crystal data center)

full name.  elowyn nollett. pronunciation. ell-oh-win nol-let height. five fulms, three ilms. age. 21. languages. common, conversational far eastern, faespeak, a solid knowledge of a few dead languages found in her studies.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour.  palest purple; often appears silver with a lilac shimmer. eye colour.  starlight. skin tone.  fair, with rosy undertones. body type.  petite but curvy and proportionate. ‘slim thick’ pear shape. soft tummy and thighs. accent. a lilting tone, reminiscent of the pixies of lydha lran. just sounds a bit odd to the people in the source, but sweet voiced and intelligent all the same. dominant hand. left. posture. good, like she’s spent some time walking around with books on top of her head, though she has a tendency to slouch over tables when deep in study. scars. nothing noteworthy. tattoos.  none. most noticeable features. large, piercing eyes that seem to glimmer like stars. her two sharp, pointed canines. a lack of tribal tattoos on her face. a general ethereal air about her. 

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth.  sharlayan. birth weight/height. a normal, healthy keeper of the moon baby! manner of birth. natural home birth. first words. ‘papa.’ siblings.  none. parents:  gwyneth and ninn nollett. parental involvement. gwyneth and ninn are both continuously doting parents. though ninn is just as confused as anyone else as to why the pixies in the first decided to send him to the source, he was happy to stay after meeting gwyneth, a descendant of a long-standing and long-respected sharlayan family. he took her last name after marriage, and in the second year of their marriage, they were surprised with the birth of their first and only child. the eccentric nature of her parents - and of the pixies that have stuck closely by their family - has rubbed off on elowyn. a brilliant scholar, elowyn immersed herself in the world of books to stave off the loneliness of growing up in relative isolation. ninn is an inventor and fervent follower of thaliak, becoming a holy man after leaving sharlayan post garlean invasion. gwyneth is the one who taught elowyn how to heal with her potent aether. they are a closely knit family, and though ninn tends to worry after his daughter’s safety as she strikes out on her own, she is sure to keep in close contact with her parents and visits them often in dravania. ninn’s traveling companion - a ronso named jareck - was also thrust into the source, and is an uncle figure to elowyn. 

ADULT LIFE

Occupation. librarian, adventurer, and healer. Current residence. a large home in the forests of dravania.  Close friends. jareck, all manner of woodland creatures. relationship status. single. financial status. wealthy. 

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation.  heterosexual. romantic orientation.   heterosexual. preferred emotional role.  submissive | dominant | switch  / unsure preferred sexual role.  submissive  |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed / unsure libido. elowyn is relatively inexperienced in this aspect of her life, but curious after devouring many less than ladylike romance novels.  turn on’s. intelligence, men that are taller than her, deep voices, athletic, empathy, feather light touches, turn off’s. meatheads, unwanted roughness, brashness, drunks.

MISCELLANEOUS.

hobbies to pass the time.  playing the harp and the piano, singing, dancing, tending to her garden (mostly especially her flowers), floral arrangement, studying everything and anything. mental illnesses. depression and minor anxiety, but she has learned to cope with them. physical illnesses. can become very ill if exposed to too much foreign aether. left or right brained. an even split. fears. large spiders, losing her family, thunderstorms, voidsent.  self confidence level. while elowyn may seem confident due to her insatiable curiosity and willingness to approach just about any stranger, she often struggles with feeling like she is ‘enough.’ she’s confident in her intelligence, but that’s about it. 

RP HOOKS.

- open to discussion.

- elowyn is a healer that is always eager to offer her services as she travels around eorzea, and a skilled apothecary. if your character has an ailment, then elowyn wants to help!

- calling all adventurers! elowyn will often hire willing and able-bodied adventurers to join in her escapades to dangerous areas to find rare or unheard of books, tomes, or other academic papers. she pays handsomely... if you can deal with her stubbornness and eccentric nature. 

- strange aether from being fae-touched at birth might raise some eyebrows, especially to those in the source. elowyn isn’t exactly aware of the involvement of pixies in her life, believing her encounters with them to most often be very vivid dreams. maybe your character can suss out the strange aether that surrounds her and has questions.

- fellow sharlayans! elowyn is from a family of keepers that decided, many generations ago, to leave their life in the forest to go to sharlayan. her great grandmother was a well-respected sorceress and scholar, alongside her husband. the name ‘nollett’ may ring a bell to those deeply studying sharlayan history or findings on aetheric healing capabilities.

- please note that while i do have a warrior of light verse with elowyn, it’s not something i’m looking to RP with others, but is more of just an excuse to write certain things involving NPCs!

- this is a pretty new character for me, and i am open to hear any and all hooks someone may have if they’d like to interact with elowyn. helping me get this character off of the ground would be rad, and i would be very appreciative!

- darker themes of RP are a-okay with me, including violence, gore, obsession, stalking, horror, as well as sexual themes. please know, though, that i am not going to ERP with you for the sake of ERP, and i do not do permanent death, injury, or disfigurement for my characters unless it is a specific plot point originally planned by me.

OOC.

- i am over the age of 21!

- i am very friendly, but am not willing to immediately hand out my discord. however, if we RP and click, chances are that i’ll offer it to you. the best way to communicate with me is either by sending me a DM here on tumblr or whispering me in-game on Audrey Wells or Elowyn Nollett.

- i am on the Crystal Data Center, and elowyn is currently located on the Goblin server. 

- thank you for reading!!! <3

#ffxiv rp #ffxiv lfrp #ff14 lfrp #ffxiv #lfrp #sharlayan #miqote #keeper of the moon #ff14 #about

[osleyakomwonkru]

A Tale of Two Blakes

Let’s be clear about one thing: The Blakes, for the first 17 years of Octavia’s life, never had the opportunity for a healthy relationship. Never.

It isn’t either of their faults. It really isn’t. They didn’t choose their circumstances. Neither of them asked for it. They got what they got.

Octavia got a brother who was more like a father, whose sole mission was to protect her. Keep her out of harm’s way. Keep their family safe.

Bellamy got a sister who he had to love and care for - knowing that barring some miracle, she’d remain a non-person for the rest of her life and never been able to leave the cell of her birth.

They got that miracle. They went to the ground. But the unhealthy dynamic that protected them for years on the Ark didn’t fit their circumstances on the ground, yet it continued, because they didn’t know any other way to be. And with no other role models to look at, since they didn’t know any other siblings, since they didn’t exist in their world.

“Their world” is also an important topic here: Prior to the dropship, Bellamy *had* a world - he had his sister, his mother, and also a life outside that room in the rest of the Ark. A job. Presumably friends. Octavia had none of that - she had only her mother and her brother, who taught her most of what she knows, and an Earth Skills class that ended violently, with that violence being praised. Also important.

The Blakes are too similar for their own good, and most of that stems from the fact that almost everything Octavia knows, she learned from her brother. The good habits and the bad habits. She learned them from him.

They were trapped in a cycle of emotionally abusive codependency, because that’s all they’d ever known. But as time passed, things started to soften. They start to heal from that. Octavia had a world outside of Bellamy. Bellamy released his hold on her and let her explore that world. Their most beautiful scene together is in 3x03, when Bellamy is ready to let her go and disappear into the grounder world, if that’s what she wants, though she’ll always fit in with him.

Then the rest of season 3 happened.

Bellamy lost his girlfriend Gina, was consumed by rage and anger, and vented it on any Grounders that he could see, and embraced the leadership of a man who espoused that ideology. Which led to...

Octavia losing her boyfriend Lincoln, and also being consumed by rage and anger, but venting it only on the people she saw as responsible - Bellamy, Pike and the rest of Farm Station.

It is at this point a lot of Octavia haters pop up and say that Octavia is physically abusive to Bellamy. She did beat him up once, yes. But Bellamy isn’t innocent of physical abuse either, it just manifests differently due to the different power dynamics. Octavia attacked Bellamy, because he’s always been the centre of her world and thus always the one responsible. While Bellamy attacks the people around Octavia, because they threatened his control of her. He tied Atom to a tree in hostile territory for kissing her. He roughed up Lincoln and tortured him despite her pleas to stop. He also prevented others from stopping her beating him up, because he felt he deserved to be punished (we’ll be coming back to that later) and violence was all he’d ever taught her on the ground. After all, it had been his own response to the person he loved dying too. He hasn’t yet thought of breaking the cycle, that only comes later.

Octavia initially wants to leave, get away from her brother and everyone else that painfully reminded her of what she’d lost in 3x11, but after they save Raven, she’s changed her mind - “we survive together” is what she says, even if she still doesn’t know how to process Bellamy. Even if she can’t stand the sight of him, she still knows they need him and that they need to work together.

It still takes time before she accepts him again. After spending most of season 4 apart, he opens the bunker and saves her again, and this is when they’re on the road to recovery from everything that had happened since the beginning of season 3. She forgives him, she loves him, they love each other.

After all of the chaos, separating on a high note was good, because that could finally begin to break their codependency.  This was a good place for them to spend six years apart. Live their own lives, something they’d never had the opportunity to do before. Then come back together as adults, with new and separate wisdom and experience under their belts, and build a new healthy relationship from there.

But that didn’t happen, did it?

From the moment the bunker was opened, Bellamy cast judgment and criticism on Octavia, even though he had no idea what had happened over those six years to get her there. She was willing to let it go for awhile, and was ready to trust him on the plan he had.

Then she came thisclose to getting a sonic cannon to the face. Some of her people died. That’s what that trust gave her.

I can’t say that they went back to old habits. Not completely. Octavia did give him more latitude than she gave anyone else, but otherwise put her people first. Bellamy also tried to control her as he had in the past, but also put his people first. It was a recipe for disaster from the outset, because neither of them were messing around. The dance went around for awhile - Octavia’s battle plan threatened Echo’s life, Bellamy helped murder Cooper, and so on.

Then Bellamy cast the first stone at Octavia. His mission in life - “my sister, my responsibility” took on a new meaning - instead of protecting Octavia from the world, he believed he needed to protect the world from Octavia.

He poisoned his sister. She lived.

She threw him in the pit. He lived.

She then sacrificed herself for him. She lived again.

All of this should be enough to clear any sort of lingering moral debts they have to each other, regardless of what they’d done, regardless of whose side you come down on. Cryosleep, like those six years apart, provided the opportunity for a clean slate. And their conversation at the end of 5x13 did seem to be at least hinting that way. 

Well, Bellamy woke up on the wrong side of the cryopod. Because he’s been unimaginably cruel to her since the season started. And encouraged that behaviour from everyone else, even when he’s defending Clarke to all of them, which is hypocrisy and double standards of the greatest magnitude.

Even when she hated him, Octavia never turned him away from a mission. Even when she hated him, she never deliberately put his life in danger. Even when she hated him, she never left him for dead on a hostile planet.

Oops, getting ahead of myself.

But that’s the point I’m getting at. Bellamy has no right to judge her. None. Especially not when he’s also done unimaginable things. And when he was struggling with the consequences and fallout from those, he had support. He had people who helped him through, and he came out the stronger for it.

Octavia has no one. And he’s been making damn sure since the beginning of the season that she doesn’t. How is she supposed to ever come to terms with everything when she doesn’t have people in her corner like he did? That’s not even looking at the big elephant in the room, which is her mental illness (discussed in that post in depth). It’s that mental illness, her desire to die and her unhealthy coping mechanisms learned from her brother that led her to seeking out that beating from Skaikru in 6x02, which mirrors not only the scene in 1x08 where Bellamy is begging for death while hallucinating, but also his beating at her hands in 3x10. He thought he deserved punishment for his actions, so did she here. It’s all part of the same cycle that they’ve been trapped in for seasons now.

Bellamy could have broken the cycle. Hell, he’s been all talk about breaking the cycle of violence. Yet he leaves his sister for dead. Not even left her for dead, actually. It wasn’t as if it was 4x13 where Clarke didn’t make it back to the rocket in time. He deliberately denied her safety and forced her to stay in a hostile toxic forest.

Many months ago, I posted an edit of the picture at the top of this post, with my one hope for season 6 being a reconciliation between the Blakes. I’ve changed my mind in the months since, and especially in these weeks of the new season. Octavia deserves better than that. Better than a brother she’s sacrificed for, that she’s fought for, that she’s almost died for, and then still been left behind.

#the 100 meta #the 100 #octavia blake #bellamy blake #blake siblings #the blakes

[adilynia-kiden]

Extreme Character Sheet: Pixie Edition

Character’s full name: Adilynia Eonaris Silverfall Reason or meaning of name: Her middle name is homage to the Titan Eonar; Protector of Life Character’s nickname:  The Pixie Reason for nickname:  Given by her sister due to Addie’s diminutive size, and the fact that when she was little, she used to train with her shield wearing fake wings.   Birth date: December 20

Physical appearance

Age:  153 ( 26ish human) How old does he/she appear: 24-26

Weight: 120ish

Height: 5’5

Body build: Thin framed, with well toned musculature.

Shape of face: Square

Eye color: Teal (Soon to be gold!)

Glasses or contacts: None

Skin tone: Pale

Distinguishing marks: Seven freckles form under her right eye that looks like a constellation. Hair color: Black Type of hair: Thick strands that form in half curls. Tends to be unruly. Hairstyle: When fighting, always up. Everywhere else it tends to be let down, but the top portion is almost always braided to keep most of the strands from her eyes.   Voice:  Quiet, barely above a whisper most of the time. Overall attractiveness: 6/10 (Compared with the rest of Thalassian elves) Physical disabilities: None Usual fashion of dress: has a fondness for lace and soft fabrics when not in armor. Favorite outfit: Armor, or a sundress of some sort. Jewelry or accessories: Gold chain with a glass feather charm that hangs from her waist. Ear cuff that looks like Eonar’s vines, in silver and set with tiny colored gemstones.

Personality

Good personality traits: Loyal, Polite, Willing to listen, her empathy

Bad personality traits: Closes herself off, doesn’t talk about her feelings, unhealthy coping mechanisms

Mood character is most often in: Anxious 

Sense of humor:  Good

Character’s greatest joy in life:. Her family, her colors and her duty.

Character’s greatest fear:. Icecrown

Why? Addie’s sister died there, and simply being there drags up way too many feelings.

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? Already happened. Vynalia’s death. Now? Failing in her promise to @ly-canthos

Character is most at ease when: Alone and falling

Most ill at ease when: Around people

Enraged when: someone she loves gets hurt

Depressed or sad when: someone leaves

Priorities: Her oath, family and currently, her orders.

Life philosophy: “My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they won't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice, then destroy them.”

If granted one wish, it would be: An end to the faction wars on Azeroth. Why? Addie will always feel like the combined forces of Azeroth are greater than divisive factions.  Character’s soft spot: Too many to count, but especially the love she has for her father.  Is this soft spot obvious to others? Currently? Ehhh, she’s not happy with him, but usually? Oh yeah.  Greatest strength: Loyalty Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Loyalty, it can make her very blind. Biggest regret:  That she blamed Raelin for Vinnie’s death. Minor regret: That last box of caramels… Biggest accomplishment: Earning her colors and becoming a Knight of the Silver Hand  Minor accomplishment: Not turning red for a full hour in Lycan’s company. Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about:  Sooooo many. The worst probably being the time she blew up a kitchen trying to make cookies. Why?  Because everything personal tends to embarrass her. Character’s darkest secret: How truly bad her PTSD is regarding Vinnie’s death, and also her mothers. Does anyone else know? Her father, Raelin… most of her knights have suspicions.

Goals

Drives and motivations: To be a worthy servant of the Light’s graces and serve with honor and dignity. Immediate goals: Keeping Teren safe. Not letting Lycan down. Not letting her father down. Not letting Raelin down. Each one of those things includes a dozen goals in and of themselves, so… its a lot at the moment. Long term goals: Continue serving the Silver Hand, and working to create a lasting unification between the Horde and Alliance. How the character plans to accomplish these goals: NO IDEA. She does know she has to leave her comfort zone, and that is a process she’s working on. Slowly. How other characters will be affected:  Maladir will relish the chance to see his daughter step from Vinnie’s shadow, and he’ll be proud no matter what. Much the same with Raelin, and though he’d never admit it, he’ll miss having her around. As for Kidenland? Well…we shall see.  

Past

Hometown: Silvermoon Type of childhood: Set in the upper echelons of Thalassian society, Addie had a very comfortable childhood that some would call idyllic. A good education, caring parents and a healthy family dynamic led to a wonderful upbringing overall. Pets: ‘Pets’ is a vague term for the fact that Addie keeps company with a whelpling named Neris, and a netherdrake called Vash.

First memory: Winter’s Veil, when Maladir made Addie her first tiny little shield to use.

Most important childhood memory: The day she won a spar against Vinnie, legitimately. Why? It took decades of getting knocked down by her older sister before Addie could honestly say she had won a duel against her. Vinnie would sometime let her win, but when she did it all on her own…it reminded her that even dragons can be beaten Childhood hero: Vynalia Silverfall Dream job: -named- Silver Hand hero Education: Classical education with a focus on Titan and Dragon studies. Countless tutors in weapons, tactics, war history and survival training. Religion: Devout follower of the Light Finances:  Well off

Present

Current location: Nishan Marche

Currently living with:  @teren-k @ly-canthos @daughterofkiden and whoever else makes an appearance! Pets: Neris and Vash (not pets...sentient dragons arent ‘pets’) Religion: Devout Follow of the Light Occupation:  Silver Hand Envoy/ Protection Detail Finances: Well off

Family

Mother: Candaris Silverfall (Featherstorm) Relationship with her:  Their shared love of Titans bonded Addie and her mother early on. Long conversations over cups of coffee was the norm. While Candaris insisted on a court life for Addie, she knew it would serve her well in a world full of liars and cheats. Instead of letting her youngest daughter keep her head in the clouds when it came to the gilded ballrooms of Silvermoon, she put her in the middle of it to prove that not all that glitters is gold.   Father:  Maladir Silverfall Relationship with him: Warm, caring and wonderful. Next to Vinnie, Addie’s father is the standard by which all things good are measured. Siblings: Vynalia Silverfall (deceased) Relationship with them: Attached at the hip, Addie’s adoration for her older sister could easily be classified as hero worship. No matter how brutal, callus and cold Vinnie could be on a field, she could never do any wrong when together with her sister. For Vinnie, the Pixie was everything good and pure in the world, and needed protecting at all costs. They were almost a decade apart, but the Silverfall sisters were twins in spirit. Spouse: None Relationship with him/her: N/A Children: None Relationship with them: N/A Other important family members: Raelin Dawnsorrow aka The Ironfist. Once engaged to the elder Silverfall sister, he had spent almost his whole life in their company due to living at the property adjacent to theirs. Early on, he came under Maladir’s command for his prowess on a battlefield and his ability to keep Vinnie’s battle rage tempered with mercy. Over the years, Raelin’s become the brother Addie never had. Their brief falling out over her sister’s death led to very dark times, but it was he who dragged Addie, kicking and screaming (literally) back into the Light.

Favorites

Color: Silver Hand blue

Least favorite color: Orange Music: Tastes range from the Tauren Chieftans to comedy songs. Currently remembering how much she enjoys the sound of a piano. Food:  Yes. All of it. Just give her all the food. Literature: Historical accounts of battles, Titan mythology, journals of soldiers. Form of entertainment:  Free-form mountain climbing, running, sparring, glass work. Expressions: Usually, carefully neutral save the copious amount of blushing. Mode of transportation: Clockwork panther, Vash the netherdrake or horses from the Silver Hand stables Most prized possession: Her shield

Habits

Hobbies:  Glass blowing/work making stained glass windows Plays a musical instrument?: She can tinker out small songs on a piano, and carry a tune, but nothing extraordinary Plays a sport? Jousting? How he/she would spend a rainy day:  Training. Just cause the weather is bad, doesn’t mean you can slack. Working. Or that is how she would have spent a day, given shes a resident of the Marche currently… she’d probably find a book, go curl up in the sunroom and fall asleep. Go sit in the rain.. just because. Spending habits: She’s not a lavish person, but certain things won’t be compromised on. Good food, good coffee, and good bed sheets. Smokes: Nope Drinks: Coffee Other drugs: Do dreamless sleep potions count?  What does he/she do too much of?:  Worry. What does he/she do too little of?:  Self care Extremely skilled at:  Holding the line, defensive tactics, sword play Extremely unskilled at: Do not ever give Addie a bow. Ever. Or make her cook  Nervous tics: nail and lip biting, looking at the ground etc. etc. etc. Usual body posture: When standing still, she always looks like she is perpetually stuck in prayer. Head bowed, hands clasped together with a straight back. Mannerisms: Polite and demure. Peculiarities: The color of her eyes is an oddity in that they are teal. She’s rather short for a Thalassian elf.

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? Optimist Introvert or extrovert? Introvert until she knows a person. Daredevil or cautious? Daredevil on and off a battlefield in terms of her climbing, cautious in everything else. Logical or emotional? Logical, but her emotions always get the better of her. Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Methodical and neat

Prefers working or relaxing? Working Confident or unsure of himself/herself?: Always unsure and always second guessing. Animal lover?: Yup! Except spiders.

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: “I know my worth on a field, and that my last dying breath will be in defense of those that I love. Beyond that, all I can say is…I am trying.” One word the character would use to describe self: “Inhibited.” One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: “Well, the parameters for such a description are lacking. Are we talking in terms of height and weight? If that is the case, I’m vertically challenged for one born of elven heritage, and stronger than I appear. Odd in the dark color of my hair for a paladin. I try and be worthy of the continued graces the Light bestows upon me, but I often feel as if I am one step away from falling into shadows. I don’t know as I will ever be comfortable in my own skin, unless I am behind my shield. I struggle with my emotions on a near hourly basis, but in the end, everything is the Light’s judgment, seeking to find if I am still worthy.”

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? “My compassion. Though it was a hard learned lesson, as I struggle with emotional connections, I have learned to be at peace with offering it to another. The same can not be said when it is offered in turn.” What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? “My tenacity… stubbornness as some might call it. It’s the reason I hold a line…but it doesn’t translate well when it comes to personal interactions.” What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? “I would say my hands, as I know what they are capable of. However…the general consensus in the training yard is that I have a….well, that’s so say I spar a great deal and much of my training comes from fencing, which lends to lunges. I… think you may take from that what you will in regards to what my knights reference.” What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? “My height.” How does the character think others perceive him/her: “I would like to think that I am considered kind and pleasant enough to warrant continued company. However, I also know that my self imposed solitude often makes people stay at an arms distance for fear of interrupting me…which makes little sense, as I would much prefer conversation to my own thoughts.” What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: “How closed off I tend to be. It’s become… paramount that this changes, but it not such an easy thing to change, especially where the ticking of a clock is always right in my ear.”

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: “I enjoy watching people. Their stories play out like beautiful books… and most do not even realize it. They lead such beautiful lives, even in their pain…I see humanity for its best when the focus shifts from a field of battle and a fight for their very lives, to simply living for a moment. They offer insight when I am honored with any sort of company. They give me purpose behind my shield…if I can save just one from experiencing the pain of loss, the fight will have been worth it.” Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Always. Addie almost always has a careful mask of neutrality in place, though close attention will see it break… often. Person character most hates: Putress Best friend(s):  Raelin Dawnsorrow Love interest(s): @teren-k @ly-canthos (Yeah, I updated it:P) Person character goes to for advice: Maladir or Raelin Person character feels responsible for or takes care of:. Teren Kiden, Lycan Maddox, Maladir Silverfall, Raelin Dawnsorrow, Annest Kiden. Every single person that draws breath. Person character feels shy or awkward around:  Everyone? Person character openly admires: Turaylon, Uther, Tirion, Maladir, Vinnie, Raelin Person character secretly admires: Lady Liadrin Most important person in character’s life before story starts: Vynalia Silverfall

After story starts: Herself.

Tagged by: @jasper-quinn (OMG this took forever! <3) Updated Tag: @belillinafireseeker  THANK YOU!

Tagging: Whoever the heck wants to do this beast!

[heyscience]

If I Were Inquisitor - Ask Meme.

@batsintheshadows @tea-me-and-smut @foxywolfmeerkat13 @howling-at-night OMG THIS IS SO FUN YOU GUYS HOLY SHIT!! Thanks so much for writing yours, and I’m so stoked to finally share mine!

If you are reading this and want to give it a shot, please reblog the original post and I’ll send you an ask! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH, I LOVE READING PEOPLE’S ANSWERS. THEY’RE ALL. SO GOOD!!!!

1. Race: I want to be a giant muscley mountain of a Qunari. I wanna be the very best, like no-one ever was, at smashing my enemies’ faces in and giving the best goddamn hugs there is. 

2. Class/Specialization: Two-handed Warrior/Champion. I like hitting things, and I love the idea of getting involved in all that pompous Orlesian chevalier bullshit and RUINING IT for ALL OF THEM.

3. Your homeland? It’s gotta be somewhere warm and by the sea (because I love the ocean and also I can’t deal with the cold cos I am WEAK), so I’m thinking Rivain. Ooh! And that would mean I’d have a bunch of sick tattoos and piercings! Rad.

4. Your family? (Ok so I’m basing this loosely off my irl family because they’re my best point of reference I guess????)

So, my family. I love them, but they’re a mess.

My Mum was the ideal Tamassran. A devout adherent to the Qun. She worked as a healer and was very well respected in her field.

That was until she met my Dad, who in short, looked at the Qun and was like ‘fuck this shit I’m out.’

Dad was a soldier and one day he was wounded in battle, ended up in the hospice where Mum worked, wooed her, and they ran away together to Rivain.

They had my brother and I and then realised that they’re actually polar opposites and it’s a wonder they were ever attracted to each other. They split up, re-partnered and had more kids. So I have a pile of siblings that I have varying degrees of blood relation with, but we all consider each other fully part of our extended, convoluted family (for serious - irl I have 9 siblings).

Mum taught me business sense and how to tend to battle wounds, Dad taught me how to fight. I’ve got a lot of family of various races all over Thedas, all related (not necessarily by blood) one way or another. People say lovely things about my Mum, and the craziest things about my Dad - the stories of his exploits are so outrageous it’s difficult to believe any of them are true (like irl my dad was involved in organised crime for a while but quit cos he got bored????).

I love my family but I’m really bad at keeping in contact with them, so I get the occasional letter from Mum being like ‘ARE YOU DEAD?!’

Leliana has taken to sending her reassuring updates preemptively.

5. Who were you before? I imagine I’d be part of something like a dnd adventuring party.

We started out as a ragtag group of misfits, travelling the land in search of gold and glory. It was mostly treasure hunting and mercenary gigs, and some of the work we did on the high seas was um, legal-adjacent (piracy). But occasionally we’d stop to lend a hand to those in need, pass ourselves off as bards to earn extra coin in small-town taverns, and we even involved ourselves in vigilante justice a couple of times.

We grew into our own little family, and eventually we found ourselves wanting to do the type of work that really mattered. That’s why we signed ourselves up to work security at the Conclave, with a plan to move into aiding refugees in Ferelden afterwards. It didn’t. Quite. Work out that way. Unfortunately.

6. Would you be religious? That’s a hard no.

7. Do you have a mabari? YES PUPPY! Who is also a fully fledged member of our adventuring troupe I might add.

8. Your opinion on other races? Elves = rad, dwarves = awesome, humans = eh, dragons?? = HELL YES

9. What would Varric’s nickname for you be? Stubby.

10. What would your tarot card look like? This one is hard! I’m thinking a lot of compass imagery (because the sea and travelling and finding your way etc.)...and I’d have to be facing at an angle that best accentuates my glorious biceps.

11. Where would you hang out in Skyhold? I like to be in the centre of the action, but I’m not sure where that would be?? Probably in the main Skyhold courtyard near the entrance, in amongst the merchants? It’d be a good spot to see the comings and goings, check in with recruits and workers for the Inquisition, and also play with any kids who might be around. 

It’s important to make sure the kids of the Inquisition are happy and healthy and, um, ok Josie I’ll admit it, they’re also way more fun to hang out with than that stuffy noble whoeverthefuck you just brought in from Orlais.

12. What would you do for fun? Knock back beers in the Herald’s Rest with my companions, come up with dirty drinking songs with Sera, get blackout drunk with Dorian (although I’ll eventually realise it’s a very unhealthy coping mechanism and encourage Dorian to join me in cutting down the booze), swap stories and quality bants with Varric, beg Vivienne for fashion advice, gush over romance novels with Cass, have tea and gossip sessions with Josie, poke fun at Cullen, spar with the Inquisition recruits (and scare the shit out of them), and, just anything to distract from the looming horror that is Corypheus.

13. What armour would you wear? Heavy, shiny, and bloodstone red.

14. What would your room look like? Organised chaos. I love playing host so my room would look mostly neat, but the writing desk would be an absolute mess. It would probably make poor Josie hyperventilate (which is why I’d always suggest we discuss things in her office, or at least give me plenty of notice before swinging by my chambers so I can tidy up). 

15. Who would be your friends at Skyhold? I’d wanna be friends with pretty much everyone, but I think I’d be closest with Dorian (BUT of course only after giving him a solid scolding for his views on slavery, and I’d only continue talking to him if he came to his senses).

We have a very similar sense of humour, and. Oh man. I have way more feelings about this than I thought I would. In short - I can imagine both laughing with him and collapsing on the floor together with a bottle of wine (each) and many tears.

16. Would you have any friends outside of the Inquisition? This makes me sad because my closest friends outside the Inquisition would be my adventuring party and they..would’ve...the Conclave...EVEN MY MABARI. MY POOR PUPPY. OH GOD WHY. TOO MANY FEELINGS.

17. Who wouldn’t you get along with? Cole. It’s not that I don’t like him, I’d just be super awkward around him, like ‘HELLO SPIRIT CHILD HOW ARE YOU TODAY. OH, IS THAT AN INSECURITY OF MINE YOU JUST POINTED OUT?! WELL COOL, GOOD TALK.’ 

18. Who would you romance? I know this isn’t possible in Inquisition but I would like to be in a polyamorous relationship with Isabela. SHE IS MY FICTIONAL SOULMATE OK.

(Also I’m more than a little bit in love with Cullen but I hate myself for it so)

19. Would you do pranks with Sera? AbsoLUTELY.

20. Would you sleep with the Iron Bull (casually if not romance)? 100% YES. It’d only be an occasional thing tho, cos while I’m a masochist and I like being tied up I’m not really a sub. I’d mostly go to him for bondage tips and um. Requests for. Demonstrations.

21. Would you keep Cole around? Yes. I’d still be weirded out by him, but I acknowledge that it’s completely not his fault. I’d take his word for it that he just wants to help people and let him have at it with that freaky mind-reading and vanishing shit he does.

22. Can you play the game (politics)? A little bit. I’d have to work the scandal angle. Being a Qunari I could never hope to assimilate into the realms of the nobility, but I could win their favour by being something of a novelty. Much like Casanova in this brilliant adaptation starring David Tennant - watch from 10:42.

You see, you don’t have to be liked by everybody, just the right people, and you can usually get them onside by just being very fucking entertaining.

23. What would be on your tombstone in the fade (What are you afraid of)? Ghosts. I’m not sure how well that translates to a Thedas setting but still, it’s my biggest fear so I’m sticking with it.

24. Who would you recruit to seal the breach? Mages.

25. Opinion on Mages versus Templars? Ok, so I have a proposal for how to fix this bullshit:  

1. The Chantry should relinquish any and all control over the affairs of mages. Separation of Church and State, simple as that.

2. The Templar Order should be disbanded, and the practice of indenturing soldiers by saddling them with a lyrium addiction should be banned.

3. All people in Thedas (and I mean ALL) should be taught about magic from a young age, both the gifts and dangers of its use. Everyone should learn about magical safety and how to resist demonic possession.

4. Mage children should attend the same schools as everyone else, but they can hone their skills in their late teens to early adulthood in mage colleges, with free tuition paid by the State (of wherever part of Thedas this is). They can research magic, learn a trade or train in combat, whatever they choose. Mages will be allowed to earn money, marry, have families, and have some actual freaking rights. None of this ‘hunt ‘em down and lock ‘em up’ bullshit.

5. Also the Rite of Tranquility WHAT THE FUCK. I can’t believe it’s a thing people actually agree to do. This rite should be downright fucking outlawed, and severe penalties levelled at the people who attempt it.

26. Who would be put in charge of Orlais and why? Briala. I wouldn’t suggest to Briala that she should get back together with Celene, because honestly their relationship was really fucked up and Celene abused the power imbalance between them. Briala deserves better (like for example me..maybe...but y’know, only if she wants to..)

So I would keep Celene on the throne but hand over all real power to Briala. Celene is a crafty one however, so we’d have to corner her with blackmail and keep a hidden killswitch on hand in case she tries to pull a fast one on us (just like the Voltron kids should be doing with Lotor, which sorry, I know that isn’t related but I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT IT).

27. Would you sacrifice the Chargers? NEVER.

Seriously Fuck the Qun. The Qun actively promotes eugenics with how they selectively “breed” their people. ALSO the Qunari are gaslighted into believing that they will literally go insane if they don’t follow the Qun?!!!?!?!!??!??! FUCK THAT SHIT.

So yeah, I was never keen on the idea of allying with the Qunari, so when Gatt’s like ‘if you sacrifice the dreadnought there will be no alliance’ I’m like ‘I am ok with this.’ Also, of course, I love the Chargers with all my heart and couldn’t bear to lose them.

28. Would you go after Blackwall? Yeah. He should put all his moral posturing to good fucking use and try being an actual hero. I’d make him join the Wardens, cos it’s effectively a death sentence (or an early grave at least ) and I don’t 100% dislike him, so I know he’d be cool with it because he has a giant fucking hard-on for the Wardens (Jesus fuck). 

29. Would you drink from the well? Nnnnnoooooooooo..and it’s because I would fucking die for Morrigan. I wish I could say I have a well considered reason, but I’m just pathetic like that. She could say jump and I’d say ‘I’d rather not, but, counter offer - would you instead like to sit on my face?’ 

30. Where would you go if the Inquisition was disbanded? Minrathous. It’s warmer there (I love Skyhold but fucking hate the cold), and I would involve myself in the inevitable slave uprising - helping out in whatever way I can. Also I’d just be having a fucking great time terrorising the Magisters, rocking up at the Magisterium like ‘LOOKIT ME I’M A RAGING QUNARI HERE TO INVADE, RARRGHH!! oh hey Dorian, what’s up babe how’ve you been????’

31. How do you react to the egg telling you he is an elven god? The five stages of grief:

Denial - lol no ur not, you’re our painty pyjamas nerd! 

Anger - Wait, so it’s YOUR FUCKING FAULT MY FRIENDS AND EVERYONE ELSE DIED AT THE CONCLAVE??!?! I AM GONNA GUT YOU AND STRING YOU UP BY YOUR INTESTINES SO I CAN USE YOUR WEEDY BODY AS A GORE PINATA YOU FUCKING MONSTER 

Bargaining - but you’re a god right? Does that mean you can bring them back? Can you undo all this somehow? You gotta have superpowers or some shit right??!?

Depression - After all we’ve been through...you never even saw us as people, did you? Did you ever think of me as a friend? Or anyone else? How could you be ok with murdering your friends? Solas, please, you don’t have to do this. I know that if we work together we can find a better way. You don’t have to destroy the world to save it.

Acceptance - ..................I fUCKING HATE YOU SOLAS.

#ask meme #me as inquisitor #dragon age #dragon age inquisition #qunari inquisitor #Rivain #THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN ARRGHSJFHWI

[mykidsgay]

I Think My Son Is in an Abusive Relationship

"I'm worried my son's boyfriend is being abusive towards him. Last time he came home from college, I noticed some bruises on his body (he says they were an accident from playing soccer) and I've heard them fighting on the phone a bunch. Something just doesn't feel right. Are there signs I should be looking out for? Can I bring up my worries with my son? Please help, I'm really at a loss for what to do."

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Rachel Dougherty

—

Rachel Says:

Before we get into it, I want us to take a deep breath. Allegations of abuse are a lot to hold in your heart and mind. I know because I’ve navigated unhealthy relationships and supported by friends as they wrestle with their own histories of abuse. I’m writing from personal experience that’s taught me I cannot care for others without also prioritizing my own care. Please remember to center your well-being in addition to your son’s as you navigate these conversations. If you need a break, take a minute.

Thank you for being present with your son. Thank you for noticing that something might be wrong. And thank you for being willing to seek help, even when it would be much easier to deny it and pretend that everything is fine. These might seem like small actions, but all too many parents turn a blind eye when their kids might be in abusive situations, so thank you for being brave.

Your perspective on your son’s reality is valuable, and I don’t want to discredit your worry. However, I find it most helpful to start by understanding how your son perceives his situation. This is his truth, and sitting with him in how he understands what’s going on is key. By this I mean, don’t start your conversations with “I’m worried about you.” Instead, create space for him to tell you about how he sees things: has Boyfriend taken him on any cute dates recently? When’s their anniversary and will they do anything to celebrate?  What are Boyfriend’s parents like? Whatever your son is excited to share with you, be excited to listen. Lay the foundation for your son to feel comfortable talking about Boyfriend with you.

It’s difficult to hear someone label your relationship as “abusive” from the outside, which, in turn, makes it easy to reject this label and shut down the conversation. Naming abusive relationships and letting go of them is scary, especially as a queer person. It’s usually with our partners that we learn how to live outside of the closet as our full, joyful selves.

In one of my first major relationships, it took me a long time to realize things weren’t so great. Abusive behavior crept into my relationship, and to begin with I didn’t notice. It only became apparent when I was talking to friends about their relationships;  eventually I came to see that the harm that I was experiencing was not standard. I found this comparison really helpful, because it allowed for external analysis ahead of internal reflection.  

So, how can you help your son evaluate his own relationship in comparison to others? First, start with examples of relationships in his life. If you’ve got a partner, use your relationship as a jumping-off point. Share some of the good things that make your relationship with your partner work. More importantly, given examples of healthy conflict, because, remember, disagreement and conflict is natural in any relationship and not inherently abusive. What’s a time that you and your partner disagreed on something? How did you work through it? By setting an example that doesn’t whitewash the ups and downs, you can guide your son through key elements of a healthy relationship.

You can also get him to evaluate the relationships of his peers and articulate his understanding of what does or doesn’t work about these relationships. Try asking: are any of your friends dating? Do you think they’re a good fit? What is it about their relationship that works?If relevant, you could even ask why so-and-so broke up. Through questions like these, you’re able to help cultivate his emotional intelligence and understand whether he has a critical eye to be able to identify healthy and unhealthy aspects of a relationship. It’s much easier to help him build this skillset when talking about other people than jumping right in and talking about himself and his relationship.

With the language and analysis to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships, your son might naturally start to categorize what parts of his relationship feel good and what parts, if any, are causing him harm. However, if you think it would be helpful to be more explicit, ask him to name what he wants out of a relationship, or what he thinks a healthy relationship looks like for himself. This sort of exercise can help him imagine what he wants his life to look like, not only in terms of relationships with romantic partners but also in relation to friends and colleagues and siblings. We don’t spend enough time learning how to evaluate our relationships and build the ones we want, so this project of imagination is really valuable, whether or not he’s in an abusive situation.

All of this being said, your son might not want to talk to you or anyone at all. And that’s OK. You cannot and should not force him to talk through this, because if he is experiencing abuse, he already is feeling controlled and experiencing a lack of trust. For you to seize control of how he processes what’s going on would only replicate a power imbalance he’s already familiar with. Instead focus on building trust and remind him that you are his biggest advocate. People experiencing abuse cope in many different ways. Some need help finding a therapist, some have trouble remembering to eat, and some just need distractions of binge-watching Netflix. Think about what you and your family can do to at least ensure your home feels like a place of safety where you’re able to care for and honor your son’s full self.

If your son is in an abusive relationship, it will probably take time for him to be able to name it, and only then can he decide what to do. You can help him build the skills to better understand his situation, but you cannot name his abuse or make his decisions for him. With your patience and support, you can help him define and strive for healthy relationships, but it will take time.

For additional support, check out these resources:

• Love is Respect (1-866-331-9474)

This organization works to support young people in preventing and ending abusive relationships.

• GLBTQ Domestic Violence Project (1-800-832-1901)

This agency actively assists and supports victims and survivors of domestic violence—focusing on GLBTQ communities—to bring about responsive public policy and to increase access to culturally competent services.

• GLBT National Help Center (1-888-843-4564)

The GLBT National Help Center serves the GLBTQ community by offering two toll-free hotlines: one for adults and one for young adults up to age 25. The website gives access to instant messaging (IM) with volunteer counselors on any topic or question you may have, including healthy relationships and other relationship concerns.

• National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (1-212-714-1184)

This agency is a national coalition of local member programs with the mission of ending all forms of violence against and within the LGBTQ community. This agency offers national reports, online forms for reporting violence, and a list of programs (by state) that offer counseling service. Bilingual information (212-714-1141) is also available.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline [phone]-SAFE [7233])

If you are in an abusive relationship or a concerned friend or family member needs help, call or visit the website www.thehotline.org for free 24-7 support and referrals to local services.

• The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) (1-800-656-4673)

RAINN offers extensive resources and assistance for victims of sexual assault, including a hotline and website: www.rainn.org. RAINN can connect you with state or local domestic violence coalitions and rape or sexual violence crisis centers.

***

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#my kid is gay #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #parenting #parents #parenting advice #advice #rachel dougherty #abusive relationships #domestic violence #domestic violence awareness month

[lazcht]

Contemplations

...of aging, and the year of 2017

Hey, it’s been such a long time I haven’t write a long (and personal) blog so pardon my (even more) rusty writing skill--phrasings and poor vocabulary. 

Well. I’ve been thinking to share some of my thoughts to the internet concerning...age. 

26th of September is my birthday. Actually this is the last year I’ll be in 20s, haha. Lately (at least among my friends) it’s so familiar to hear “It feels like I was graduating school yesterday damn it.”

Is birthday really matter?

Nah it’s just a calendar--day, week, month, year, time system made by humans as a system to measure how long we’ve been here, on earth. I don’t feel really connect with the concept to celebrate anniversaries exactly by “time”. It works more as reminders, a trigger to notice myself to contemplate, evaluate, and plan. 

Should I be happy? Hmm. Celebration, eating fancy, wonderful wishes, surprises, gifts, are bonus. I might be taking them for granted actually, (I feel bad for that) but I kinda feel it’s not a necessary thing to have on a birthday. Though my birthdays have been so great since I was little, so in my mind, a birthday is always been a good and fun association. 

Except, when I was reaching 20... my anxiety about stuff arose, maybe this time is the same. I’m about to hit 3rd checkmark of 10 years of milestone. So it’s a lie if I say, that aging doesn’t matters at all.

I feel so grateful that I’m always surrounded with kind people who care about things I love, my well-being, or my future, or simply all people that accept my presence on their lives. So thank you for all wishes and gifts... Though I can’t promise anything in return.

Suddenly I remembered...

My mood was not really good lately. I’m thinking about lot of stuff. Frustrated, anxious, worried(?), and a little bit pessimistic. Why, I wonder?

I’ve been thinking, what’s the difference, and how I’ve been changing from 10 years ago; the teen me, to I am now. So here are my personal conflicts.

1. First of all, the easiest thing to notice, is my physical body. 

Back then, recovery was fast, good stamina, and a body that didn’t go sick although I didn’t put so much attention in it. I could ate stuff sloppily, hygiene doesn’t stop me from doing what I want, sleep deprivation didn’t matter as much, pollution didn’t really affect my respiratory system, bad posture didn’t get me strains or sores, lack of exercising also less punishing. Waking up motivated and energized.

Now... well, I’ve been trying to wake up not feeling bad, and go to sleep with a good posture so I don’t feel like shit the next day. 

Allergies such as dust, smoke, (my own) sweat, water (on my scalp) are easily triggered these days. I dunno if the environment here getting so much worse (well, it’s a capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta), or just my body can’t cope up with my old lifestyle.

After I get the feeling of living in a weak dying body previous years, being unproductive, unmotivated and low at energy, mood-swing, stressed and getting the feeling of “decaying”, having atrophic and useless muscles; I figured it was because I lack of self-care. I feel that can’t ignore this shit anymore, before it’s getting far too late.

2. Mindset & interests.

The more I think, I noticed maybe the biggest difference between me 10-20 years ago with me right now, is the optimism level LMAO.

In junior high school days, to 20+ ish, I kinda have faith that someday (perhaps in 5-10 years) I might be able to become famous, or having decent money flow. I felt that I was a genius compared to people my age, haha well I had a narrow social circle. As I grow older, things become difficult (actually prolly I was just underestimated lot of stuff back then?). Having more knowledge makes me think that I know nothing about this world, this industry I work in, about what’s work and what’s not, about this life.

I used to have strong feel of justice or moral compass that’s quite firm. I could really simply say that doing A is plainly wrong and doing B is absolutely right. As I grow older, learning so much stuff (from experience, or fiction stories I consume), knowing so much people with their insight from cultural, religion aspect, things are not as simple. I faced lot of turning point couple of years lately.

I used to have interest in drawings, my capability to draw something, but not about reading, or listening about things that inspire. My dream was to become an animator or comic artist, later on I was only interested in the drawing process, the result, but not the story. Maybe that’s why I’m comfortable in joining other’s project rather than doing my own.

I consumed things that only makes me able to create what people told me to, but not “nutrients” for my ability to conceptualize and inspire, to deliver message. In 7++ years of my career, I deliver nothing, just work, ego "masturbating”, fun and money. Not so long ago, I noticed I that I should change my direction. That I had to make impact, or at least, a lasting impression, stuff that people could think about. 

I focus less in technique, and think more about purpose, idea, vision. Things that only I, can deliver it (still looking). Things that are more personal and close to my identity.

3. Family condition.

Not only me that gets older. Parents, partner, sibling and other relatives are also getting old. Not to mention the economy and how industry, business trends flows by. 

Economically, my family is currently going downwards. Parent’s not as healthy as they were 5~10 years ago. Good thing they’re still lively, active, able-bodied to still go traveling actually. They simply can’t work continuously, hence eventually, incomes are scarcer. Bills getting higher each year, or even months. They don’t demand retirement (thanks to them), but I feel they’re thinking we (their children) are not ready to take full responsibility of paying all of household needs. But luckily enough, our family didn’t have any debt. Yet I could use steady income to cover us, as soon as possible.

Psychologically, parents are more into games now (I’m so glad lol), and they’re still quite sharp to pick out hoaxes though there are lot of random Whatsapp videos or articles they share with the old folks. Overall, still good but long term-wise, I’m quite pessimistic.

4. Spiritual side, ego, myself.

It’s getting harder to reach a clear mind nowadays, just a moment to meditate and let my mind sit calmly, silently. I guess I’m now getting even more drowned into the “Lazcht” ego. I feel the need to work hard, but only to serve the “me”. How about afterlife thoughts, awareness, mindfulness? I know I need more mind exercise, but there we are, too busy being involved into mundane stuff haha.

Love life, it’s hard to describe but now I feel like I can control better of my own possessiveness, to think that love is about giving, having a big heart, and letting go. Breakup? Nope, but as a formerly monogamous person, I’m currently having a polyamorous partner. We had been seeing the differences as our biggest obstacle on continuing the relationship, and I was trying to make myself adapt and change to compromise, but now, we decided to see and experience love with our own “style”. It works for now, tho, we don’t know for how long. :’)

Insecurity changed and taught me a lot of life lesson. Back then I’d never care much about my body image, upgrading wardrobe and so on. Lately I also feeling anxious again about my gender issue. The urge to transition (I’m a trans FYI) is getting stronger, but meh... I’m broke, so not now. :(

What do i do then?

1. Physical aspect: workout, regular outing, drink more water, body-awareness, and keeping good habit. 

Latest one is hardest, because of my zero-discipline. For people who has similar issue with mine, easiest way I find is to bathe regularly, at least once a day would make my day better. Maintaining room’s sanitary is also excellent method to wake up feeling great. Recently I bought an air purifier, vacuum regularly, and it worked nicely.

I once find using a scheduler app with fixed wake up time, eating, working, etc makes me feel better and content, then again it’s hard to keep it on long-term. 

2. Nutrients for brain: watch or read more interesting and recommended stuff, explore, make new friends or be in a new circle. 

I also feel that it’s necessary to learn languages, especially Japanese, I feel like someday I’ll really make use of them.

Probably planting is also a way to refresh mind and soul. I really hope to learn on cultivating vegetables, or just herbs if it’s easier haha.

3. Economy and family matter: can’t do much for this actually, except doing my best on my work and keeping healthy relationships. 

I really hope I can make them go travel somewhere else beautiful, since their mindset always like “we wouldn’t afford that much.” or “it’s not worth it.” well, perhaps they’re not into it but I just don’t want they can’t afford to spend money on something they love.

Hopefully I can find a good way to improve my economy without too much sacrificing important things.

4. Myself as me: I... just hope to improve, or perhaps become slightly more famous as an artist or gamedev person lol. Most of all, I just want to love myself more, and be content with my own self. Also hopefully I’ll become more useful to others, on anything. I wish I can optimize myself because... too much burnout (physical or social). If anyone notice that sometimes I don’t appear anywhere or rarely seen, that’s not necessarily that I hate being with you guys, mostly it’s because I need my space and time.

Ideally, I want to go to more convention events, overseas, selling my own stuff (or with circle), get in touch with amazing people. Or simply maintain good relations with people around me (not just physically ofc) right now. You guys are good friends. 

Okay that’s enough, I think I can count this as my prayer because I don’t usually “pray”. Forgive me for my wrongdoing (or let me know?) and thanks for being here with me. May universe get along well with everyone and hear our wishes! :)

~Lazcht, 29 Y.O.

#contemplation #life evaluation #personal

[wellsbering]

here’s an essay about darth vader i wrote for my english class

The Path to the Dark Side

A man trained from childhood to be a guardian of peace and justice, trusted by the most noble warriors in the galaxy, suddenly leads a massacre of those warriors and becomes the right-hand man of a cruel dictator. For many, the Star Wars prequels, intended to provide Darth Vader’s backstory, raised more questions than they answered. In the first two movies, Vader is the protagonist, but in Revenge of the Sith his allegiance suddenly does a complete 180 and he becomes the most feared person in the galaxy. The story is not believable on its own. How can a series of premonitions about his wife’s death cause him to turn his back on the entire Jedi Order? The events shown in Revenge of the Sith are not the only factors--his path to evil really began the day he joined the Jedi Order. Darth Vader’s fall to the Dark Side was caused by his traumatic childhood, the toxic influence of the Jedi, and his experiences during the Clone Wars.

Darth Vader was born Anakin Skywalker on the desert planet of Tatooine. His mother was Shmi Skywalker, a slave with no other family besides him. Anakin grew up without a father or siblings, and as such he became very attached to his mother. At age nine, Anakin was discovered by the Jedi and freed from slavery to learn the ways of the Force. However, this came at the expense of leaving his mother, the only family he had ever known, back on Tatooine in bondage. As expected, Anakin had his doubts about his decision. But when he confessed to the Jedi Council that he missed his mother, he was told that his feelings were the path to evil. Anakin learned in that moment that speaking to any of the Jedi about his emotions would result in condemnation and suspicion, and so he began internalizing all that he felt.

Ten years later, Anakin began having nightmares about his mother dying. In a rare moment of honesty, he told his friend and future wife Padmé Amidala about them. (As a senator, not a Jedi, Padmé had much less conservative views on emotion.) Padmé advised him to return home and visit his mother, to ease his anxiety. Upon his arrival on Tatooine, Anakin learned that his mother had been kidnapped by nomads known as Tusken Raiders. Enough time had passed since her disappearance for everyone close to her to assume she was dead. Anakin refused to accept this and went out looking for her. He found Shmi on the brink of death, and held her in his arms as she died. In a rage, Anakin murdered the entire village of Tusken Raiders as revenge. For years, Anakin was tormented by the loss of his mother. What if he had arrived only a few days earlier--would he have gotten there in time to save her? If he had never left Tatooine, would she have been kidnapped in the first place? He responded to his own guilt by lashing out in anger. Violence became Anakin’s sole coping mechanism for the next few years, until everything boiled over and he became the most feared mass murderer in the galaxy.

Within hours of witnessing his mother’s death, Anakin found himself in the middle of a massive battle which launched a three-year galactic conflict. Shortly thereafter, he was made a full Jedi Knight and was placed in charge of a legion of soldiers. Coming of age during a war had a huge effect on Anakin. He came to value human life less, because to the Jedi, the soldiers under their command were at best inferior and at worst worthless. Anakin had no military training and was forced to learn by watching his men die every time he made a mistake -- and even when he didn’t, for that matter. He became accustomed to death, and this trait evolved into Vader’s complete disregard for human life in the Original Trilogy.

Towards the start of the war, Anakin was also given the responsibility of training a fourteen-year-old named Ahsoka Tano to be a Jedi. It is worth noting that the Jedi Council did not make this decision based on Anakin’s skills as a Jedi. They gave him an apprentice because they knew that apprentice would eventually complete her training, and Anakin would have to let her go. As it happened, Anakin did have to face this, though in a more severe way than expected.

Near the end of the war, Ahsoka was framed for a crime she did not commit. She and Anakin insisted that she was innocent, but the Jedi Council refused to believe her and a warrant was put out for her arrest. Anakin was given orders to apprehend his own student and friend, and Ahsoka ended up running away from the Order (and by extension, Anakin). Eventually, the real criminal was apprehended, proving that Ahsoka was innocent. The Jedi Council then attempted to smooth over the whole incident by telling Ahsoka that if she returned, her training would be considered complete and she would be a full Jedi. Ahsoka turned down the offer. She officially left the Jedi Order, saying that the experience had taught her that her place was not with the Jedi. Ahsoka’s treatment proved to both her and Anakin that the Jedi were corrupt, and it permanently altered Anakin’s view of the Council. In his eyes, both he and the Jedi as a whole had failed Ahsoka. He carried this guilt and resentfulness with him into Episode III.

In the end, of course, Anakin is the one who made the decision to turn to the Dark Side. Nothing the Jedi did can excuse him leading a massacre against the entire Jedi Order, slaughtering children, attacking his pregnant wife, murdering his former best friend and mentor, destroying an entire planet, or any of the other unforgivable things Vader did in the years between his fall and redemption. This is true -- but the actions of the Jedi do explain how Vader got to that point. As with any villain’s backstory, the prequels do not justify Vader’s behavior, but they provide an explanation as to how he went from a guardian of peace to possibly the single most terrible war criminal in galactic history.

There were many events in Vader’s life that, had they gone differently, would not have lead to his fall. Perhaps if he had stayed on Tatooine and never joined the Jedi, he would have learned to deal with his emotions in a more healthy way. Maybe if his mother had lived, he wouldn’t have had to deal with the pain and guilt every day since. Maybe if he had lived at another time, and the galaxy was at peace, Anakin wouldn’t have come to view life as something that could be thrown away casually. Perhaps if Ahsoka had been assigned another teacher, he wouldn’t have grown so attached to her and taken her departure so hard--then he would have trusted the Council more when he started having premonitions about Padmé’s death in Revenge of the Sith. All of these factors -- his childhood, the teachings of the Jedi, his experiences during the war, and Ahsoka being forced to leave the Jedi -- lead to Anakin breaking down in Episode III and becoming Darth Vader. His fall was the result of a perfect storm of hardship and bad influences where everything that could go wrong went wrong. This is the true tragedy of Darth Vader -- there were so many opportunities for him to be saved.

#she's not grading us on these but i can't believe i was actually given the opportunity to write this for a college-level course #star wars #my posts #sw #sw prequels

[cyanpeacock]

I’m in a stage of conscious conflict with myself again.

It makes it kind of hard to focus on the work I want to be doing, but I guess I’m focusing on the work I need to be doing, which is... establishing security. 

It’s a bit of a fight in my head with my younger parts. Grown-up me is trying to write a post about toxaemia. Younger mes are... arguing. I gotta stop and sort it out, while I have the time. 

What is the argument about? Uh, well, a whole bunch. Why certain actions were inappropriate. Why certain needs were not met. 

It’s been pretty savage in here, parts trying to kill other parts. Doesn’t work. Right now it’s more yelling, and interfering, and getting in the way.

Broadly, all this thrashing and fighting and biting and snapping goes on for a while, we all look around again in a moment of exhaustion, and clock that while my mother has done unforgivable things, she’s not an unforgivable person. Meanwhile, the top dog is laughing in his £100,000 suit, and placing bets on our survival.

I’m speaking in metaphors again. Anyway, what I mean is, the primary source of human suffering is rooted in the inequality of the distribution of wealth, and I’m very, very angry about this.

I’m very angry about the methods and times at which my mother tried to communicate with me about this. At least we can agree that capitalism is world-destroying, and not world-cooperating. I’ll take that.

I guess she’s been trying to say sorry this whole time, at least where I raise that she’s done something harmful to me, and I didn’t know how good I was at hiding.

I now realize I am so good at hiding that I can disappear from everyone and everything. 

I thought very seriously when I was younger about running into the forest. I knew how to construct shelter, and a good deal about what could and could not be eaten, but there were problems. 

The water is too dirty to drink, if you plan on living close enough to a metropolitan center to steal food/leftovers. The animals are accumulating toxins, and we shouldn’t really be eating them any more, and we’re still poisoning the rest of the ecosphere in the name of “human development.”  

Anyway, back to me mum. Apparently, I need to talk to her.

I don’t want to talk to her.

I need to talk to her. 

This is a pain in the ass, but I guess family is, until it’s all sunshine and roses.

I’m very angry. Very, very angry.

Can I be polite about anger? I think so, but I’m going to sound like a rude and snappy young academic for a while, which I guess I can’t avoid, ~given the circumstances~.

And I guess she couldn’t avoid sounding like she was completely fucking out of touch with the rest of the world when I was young, because she was, and later, like she was... well, how to describe it? Like she was a five year old that had learned big words, and not how to use them. 

(looks at my grandmother, suspiciously.)

(looks at myself, suspiciously.)

Proper fucking odd family, this. Made my counsellor hiss through his teeth.

For fuck’s sake.

She was very, very right about some things. Unfortunate, because they are very intellectual social matters, that I’d hazard a guess most people my age don’t have to consider in such personal depth, especially not without a broad range of healthy emotional regulation skills.

Hmm. But then, I guess learning compulsively was a coping mechanism of mine, and she acknowledged that, and tried to work with it. 

Ugh, fuck, I’m angry because it’s boiling down to... I’m gonna see her again, and I’m going to try to improve the relationship, because while there’s a lot of shit that hurts me about it, at least she’s willing to talk to me about it?

I do feel peripheral to the family. I suppose I always will, because I took the worst of the physical and psychological fallout. Did that protect my siblings? I hope it did at the time, but I know the repercussions of that pain on my actions later hurt them too.

Do I want to keep perpetuating actions that damage relationships?

No.

How do I interpret cutting off my mother?

I interpret it as destroying a relationship, with a person who’s been extremely fucking toxic to me, but who has made visible efforts to change her behaviour. 

Is she toxic enough to me to justify lifelong no-contact?

I don’t think so. I think I’ve needed some long fucking breaks from her. I think I’ve been back to her at times that weren’t good for me, because she hadn’t taught me self-worth and self-respect.

If I’m valuing and respecting myself now, I’d like to share what I’ve learned with her, because I appreciate that she had good intentions, and terrible fucking methods, and it’s all her mum’s fault, and her mum’s fault, and her mum’s fault... etc etc. 

I’d also prefer not to transmit any more pain of loss to her and my siblings, because... well, karmic forces suck when they’re punching and not brushing, man. I felt all that pain, it’s come back on them, I’m acknowledging my pain, and if I can acknowledge it “in the moment”... the relationship will flow more smoothly? And people learn by observation, so they’re going to just... see that my communication style has changed, and maybe pick some things up from it theirselves, if they like them?

It’s taken hard fucking work to feel this secure in my own opinions, and how they change over time, given new information.

Isolation and introspection has been my route of choice. Now I guess I need... connection and extrospection? If that’s even a word? Well, it’s a neologism now. 

So, what’s my Plan for Life(tm)?

I persist, but take it easier, on the academia. I’m part time right now. I’ve gone hard as hell on this my entire life, because it was all that got me significant approval. At least I was strong enough to develop the skill enough to carry me through all the garbage. I kind of see what mother was getting at there. It’s fucked up, nonetheless. 

I connect with some of my peers. This is going to be difficult, because my physical body still associates human proximity with oncoming psychological and/or physical pain. I’ve gained enough control of my physical responses to try now. I enjoy what I have left of my youth. 

I work on feeding my physical body and working it out at the right times. These are necessary things for healthy human life. I have a lot of opportunity to get into great shape. I want to start taking it. 

I maintain my creative pursuits. I continue to consume media I like. 

I carefully re-establish and maintain contact with my family. I try and be gentle in my language and actions. I gotta not push myself if I find it does hurt me in ways I can’t be living with at the moment. 

Uhhh... end up a part of the capitalist machine, and try to disassemble it, because if the majority of us work together, we can build something brand new that will last a lot longer?

Eh, some kind of shit. I need a fag. Want to quit those, actually. Better if I start while I’m young, eh?

OK. Yeah though. That’s enough on this. I need a smoke.

#fliptext