#many thoughts about them that im unable to articulate

[sourscratched]

the hand that feeds

#dimension 20 #my art #acoc #trw #many thoughts about them that im unable to articulate #just thinking a lot about how they were probably around the same age during the events of trw #and i think a lot about karna as far as i know not knowing any other warlocks of the hungry one besides herself #the scene in the inn when she looks in the mirror at the rot growing hits me so hard #something about being so young and all alone with the dread you feel about your own body #who can you tell who would get it #who can you tell that it wouldn’t feel like giving them something to use against you #idk i just think about these two a lot #wonder what it would’ve been like if they could have met each other #(do i have a fic where they meet that ive been procrastinating on uploading to ao3 for months. Maybe) #(i don’t write like Ever and i haven’t had the confidence to share it yet. anyway) #this whole post is just me talking to a wall lmao don’t mind me everyone #a crown of candy #the ravening war

[nonbinarygamzee]

what are your thoughts on gamkar (esp as it is presented in the comic) ?

ehehehehe. well. i like dem :]

ummm um to be like #thoughtful or whatever though i always struggle to put my investment to words because i simultaneously feel like a lot of what draws me to them feels self explanatory but Also every time i think that about hs i turn out to be wrong. that sounds so mean i just have autism and 0 frame of reference lol.

but anyways for me like ive basically been invested in gamzee and by extension gamkar from the beginning. at risk of being kind of nice for once i actually think homestuck did a pretty decent job wrt the introductions of the trolls in establishing the levels of importance and especially the dynamics at play through when we see them interacting, so it always felt Important that the conversation that established gamzee and karkat as good friends was so early on. in general i dont really think hs has many transitional spots that are not being used intentionally to create subconscious association between the subjects. so by extension theres the more obvious literal conversation we have between the two of them that both establishes them as close (at least in gamzees mind) and establishes a rift in that relationship, but theres also things like the conversation gamzee and terezi have about playing the game together, that while not about karkat explicitly, kind of centers him from both ends and is literally sandwiched between the introductions of these two, which to me sets up the assumptions that their dynamic is going to hole relevance, which we end up seeing later on. dare i say that gamzee/terezi conversation even kind of ends up being the earliest nod that both of these trolls are in some way vying for karkats attention. theres like plenty more of these moments of association but im not willing to go looking atm, get back to me. good way to read the comic in general though, imo.

and like so its pretty obvious from the start then that gamkar was always going to be something, right? their personalities are written in a way that both compliment and counter each other, and theres that interest then in murderstuck when it is flipped on its head but idk if you go here i think by now it is clear i dont really agree with all of that. my interest lies in the fact that gamzee is the type of person karkat resents because to him, as somebody who both has been denied entry into society and who desperately WANTS it, even to the point of internalizing and glorifying the very oppressive violence that keeps him an outsider, gamzee has Failed. shes an addict, shes stupid, shes toothless, and above all she is weird and wholly unrelatable and karkat is simply not in the position at that stage of his life to sympathize because he is still running on the assertion that the Right way to be a troll is to conform to the expectations of the empire (and prove himself as one of the Good Ones). so when gamzee has their breakdown and all of a sudden karkat is not only unable to shove all of the responsibility he insisted upon onto another person, or ignore the fact gamzee spent all of her time haunting the meteor asking Him for help..... he does it. sort of.

this is kind of the spot where i have the most trouble articulating my thoughts because i guess they are sort of contradictory. because i think the gamkar moirallegience was not only at that point in time important to the integrity of the plot, but has always been an important part of the story in terms of culminating the themes and messaging going on. and i do stand by that, i think on top of the fact we were ROBBED, to erase that without ever addressing any of it again in the retcon is like.... a major misunderstanding of the functionality of the moment in the first place! which like yeah yeah its homestuck we should be used to that. but UGH. it undermined so much of karkats character to retcon what imo was always his peak moment of personal empowerment. everyone talks about karkat as somebody who is deeply caring despite his exterior and like... i do think that is true. but the story simply is Worse from then on having stripped him of the pivitol moment that truly defined that trait as vital to him, and i think it frankly has no small part in why karkat feels like less than a character by the end. that said i dont really think it was a "good" relationship. just not for any of the reasons anyone ever seems to say. so many conversations i see wrt gamkar is people talking about loving it but not the "toxic way it went down in canon", or calling it like mutually abusive, or just in general making karkat out to be some kind of victim of his ex when like......... thats all kind of just completely made up? for starters not that i dont Get it and not that i think it means he was being entirely disingenuous, but from the very beginning karkats establishment of their quadrant was done in a way that centered the people around them, not gamzee. and i say not gamzee exclusively because i think aside from the obvious of keeping their friends safe, karkat was also centering himself; we know the Point of moirallegiance is to keep an unpredictable party "in check", and that is what he did, but i can both understand the functionality of the relationship marker in the context of the universe And understand that to be a means of subjugation of the trolls involved. and karkat, being both obsessed with romance and holding a deep feeling of inferiority, of COURSE would look at this as an opportunity to prove he can live up to that expectation of pacification. we get his side of the story when things fizzle out, gamzees religion apparently becoming such a frontal obsession she doesnt pay him any mind, but we dont get to hear anything from the party whos not only being mind controlled, but also has to approach this dynamic with the knowledge it wasnt for her and that karkat continued to covet terezi "in every quadrant" (LOL!!!!!) when he wasnt openly mocking them. and well i just think that is very interesting. karkat is in a powerful position, narratively, that gamzee is never ever granted, that gives him the benefit of the doubt from the audience that he is right and she is wrong, even though we know that hes like... literally always wrong!!! i am not about to start trusting him NOW!!!

um ok this god long sorry. basically i think they are extremely complimentary to one anothers stories and flaws; karkat desperately needs to see and understand people that vary from the expectations he has grown up chasing. he needs somebody who understands what it is like not to meet those expectations. he needs a reason to choose growth or else he fizzles into the disgusting excuse for a character we have of him by the end! gamzee by contrast needs to be seen by somebody who is both in the position to treat her like a person, who holds power in this narrative they are all trapped within to Grant her the choice of depth. where he needs a reason to grow she needs somebody willing to grow to meet her where she is! you cannot pull somebody from their abuse but you must be willing to understand their reasonings and have a hand at the ready for the day they choose to go! ive never understood the debates surrounding gamzees agency because we are shown explicitly the ways it is denied, and shown her awareness to the fact she is trapped, the fact she is a character and the narrative cannot be upheld without her roles; karkats ability to "help" her to me was never as much a question about whether he could literally get her out of that, but whether he could act as the lens through which people understand gamzees situation As one of coercion. they are utena anthy forever ok im done

#this feels a bit all over the place sorry. been having a very hard one but love to throw myself into my little fictions to deal #ask #gamkar

[direwombat]

Do you see Syb being in FC New Dawn, if so what is she doing during that time. Also I would kill to see her interact with Roger Cadoret, I just think the combo of them in the same room would be hilarious.

what a delightful question to receive out of the blue! most of this under the cut because oof this got long lol whoops

but to answer your question: yes! I do have her in fc new dawn (or an au of it where boomer, jacob, and pratt all survive lol). like in canon, she ends up in dutch's bunker with joseph and boomer and jacob and staci end up in another one in the whitetails, unable to communicate with each other.

and. as you can imagine. with two deeply unwell and religiously inclined people stuck in a bunker for seven years together, they form a really weird religious co-dependent relationship. they lowkey make a new religion that's joseph's word with an even heavier serving of catholic guilt and syb is the only parishioner at that church. her identity slowly fades away/is stripped from her and she fully embraces the mantle of the Judge. (except her mask is a much cooler rabbit mask :'))

she's actually fairly happy (all things considered) after emerging from the bunker and reuniting with what remained of joseph's followers. the building of New Eden and providing for and protecting new life gives her a sense of purpose, of meaning that makes her finally feel like she's repenting for all the wongs she's done and blood she's spilled. i also like to think she's an influential figure among New Edener's distinct from joseph and that when joseph had left she was quietly made de-facto leader (at least for a brief amount of time)

i can't speak too articulately on how i'd tweak the fcnd canon for this au since i haven't actually finished the game. (was one of those i stopped playing about halfway through because of school but i never picked it up again oops). but no matter what, in the end im giving her peace, so she gets her cabin with jacob and boomer and any other stray dogs and they protect their people and they grow old she's suffered enough. she find peace and clarity <3

unfortunately syb does lose her tongue during the bunker years, so she can't have a verbal conversation with roger. BUT she does find the man incredibly entertaining. i have also thought about the two of them interacting many times. my favorite part about that scenario is that they speak two different regional dialects of french (syb's cajun while roger is (iirc) quebecois). so i think sometimes they have trouble understanding each other,

but i also like to think that roger mumbles something under his breath in french and The Judge (syb) snickers and roger is like "oh hello! you are my new best friend right now!" and the two actually do kinda end up being besties and are 100% talkin' shit

#the fcnd au is still cooking ngl but if i ever finish katc i do intend on a bunker years/fcnd sequel #but i need to finish the game first lmao #or rather. restart it and play it through. #oc: deputy sybille la roux

[sizhui]

hi angie!! ur bit about bl generally being less interested in explictly talking abt gayness is very true! in fact yea i dont think its limited to bl as shows or novels or manga and extends to general media containing or focusing on explictly gay characters in asia. rather than homophobia itself i find media tends to focus more on the fallout / general form of it such as isolation and marginalisation. i find people on the fringes of society serve as good vehicles to explore a feeling of deep isolation and desire that is taboo to express but incredibly common in increasingly modernised societies and many directors / writers see that too. ofc this is a very general observation. to be more accurate being on fringes also allows these characters to simultaneously exist in society and exiled from it which opens them to certain experiences and emotions we typically keep repressed. when they are a part of society they may be battling constant dissonance but when they are exiled they may face loneliness everywhere. ig the weirdness n ability to enter the unreal allows for emotions in these stories to be amplified beyond what is normally possible or even socially acceptable to express. you're alr past 1 boundary whats 1 more u know? IDK THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHESIS

idk i think while in some part culture informs the decision to stray away from focusing stories on homophobia (because homophobia also doesnt take the same form in these countries & ultimately stems from different historical events) because explicitly expressing one's homosexuality is like Very different from merely partaking in said activity and results in arguably a very different story too. i also think it has to do with different artistic interests. its not even really exclusive to asia because i find plenty of lgbt artists tend to also branch out into more related or adjacent themes grounded in their lgbt experience rather than on being lgbt alone ig???

i got off track again but imo i think good lgbt art is also just good art n can explore other themes and basically tries to say more abt people than just this or that

i find maybe more western media wants to focus on these characters as being forced to exist in society as outsiders but not like in other settings idk im not articulate

this isnt my full response btww keke just thoughts :3

DEAR LAB!!!! thank you so much for this, it was really insightful and valuable to me!!!!!!! Sorry for being unable to write a longer response at the moment , but I would love to continue this conversation whenever you feel like it, so feel free to dm me or send more asks anytime ^_^ thank you again, so glad to be talking about it with u!

[tinkywinkyschauffeur2]

chart i made bc ahahahahahaha this has been floating in my head for ages

he's pretty easy to write bc he's the voice of the third person limited. So even if he's not expressing himself real well and he's biting people and shit, I can still kind of articulate his frustration bc the writing is taking place semi inside his head. he's also fairly easy to draw but sometimes my brain just dies and decides to not be able to for some reason

slightly harder to write bc i havent actually written her in the main canon yet but she's super fun and easy to write in all my AUs. fine to draw except for her hair. Pulled back/slicked back hair without a fringe is one of my least favourite styles to draw.

I'm still learning how to draw his new design and I can't do it without reference. Again I haven't written him in canon and he's a little tricky bc of the fact that objectively he's lowkey a prick but bc the writing is mostly ever in cardinal's pov, the edge is taken off a little but the fact he's a git still needs to communicate

she's got two different faces that interchange in my head, kind of morphing into one another and i cannot pin them down. She simultaneously has a round face and a square face and it drives me INSANE. as for writing she's difficult because she interacts quite personally with every single character so she has a lot of interactions and relationships to construct and consider and she's in a grey area for majority of them.

she's easier to write bc she's so chill and direct with her communication. She says what she means like 90% of the time. Drawing is a little difficult just bc i did one drawing of her that was perfect and have been unable to replicate it since

to write him i just let oscar wilde's soul inhabit my body and to draw him i get distracted on pinterest and then simply not draw him.

cannot draw him. has zero personality so I cannot write him. I don't like him.

easy to draw bc im practised bc i LOVEEEEE HERRRR AHHHHH but she's hard to write because she has so many damn abstract thoughts that I cannot communicate with the mere words of the mortal plane

okay look at him you could draw him with ur eyes closed BUT he's so so so fucking hard to write bc 1) the third person limited perspective is never in his view so you don't see the mental gymnastics he does so it just feels like he does shit at random and 2) the bastard tries to gaslight me into thinking the shit im writing about him didn't happen

[kaibascorpse]

trying to figure out a way to articulate my thoughts on autism and being autistic without coming across like im glorifying or romanticizing it in some way but its tricky. like okay i know its wrong to romanticize a disability but 1) i genuinely believe that autism (at least in my case) is ONLY a disability because we live in a society that only values neurotypicality so like. removed from that context (which is rly only possible in theory atm, not in practice) autism ISNT a disability it’s just like. a Particular Way of Being a Person and 2) i fucking!! LOVE being autistic!! like, theoretically removing all the difficulties of being autistic that, again, only arise because of arbitrary structures built against me, everything about being autistic is pretty fucking cool imo!! i love my autistic traits!! and maybe it’s just because i can’t imagine any other way of being, but given the opportunity to magically become neurotypical i would not fucking take it!!

like to me being autistic feels like i was born with an innate understanding that human beings are literally just animals and all the things that are a part of typical human society like money, jobs, gender, social expectations and etc. are just like. made up, yknow? and thats not to say that those things aren’t real just because they’re constructed, and they’re also not devoid of value or meaningful function, but like. ime neurotypical ppl just seem to treat these things as Fundamental and Unchanging Facets of Reality. and again, constructs are real and do serve a purpose, but i also dont think you can underestimate the value of being able to peer behind the curtain and say that “Hey these things are made up and therefor we can change them if we want to.”

but again, we live in a society that Does Not see the value in that perspective, and in fact THRIVES on convincing everyone that this Performance of Humanness is not only Very Real, but also The Only Way It Could Possibly Be, yknow? so they really dont like it when they have to deal with an entire population of people who are constantly pointing out that their precious Rules are arbitrary, and who are unwilling and in some cases literally unable to keep pretending that the performance is real. I feel like an actor who keeps getting scolded for not knowing my lines and breaking the fourth wall, except nobody even gave me the fucking script or told me what the play is about in the first place!!

word salad out of the way though, maybe i’m totally off base and this has nothing to do with being autistic, or it does but i’m missing the perspective of autistic folks other than myself. i only realized i was autistic within the past couple years and i only really understand autism in the way it affects me personally (and even that level of understanding is still limited). its very likely that there are many who will say that their autism would be a disability regardless of the societal environment. maybe other autistic people don’t experience that same feeling of peering behind the screen, or maybe that feeling generalizes to a group that is connected by traits other than autism. im totally willing to admit that i may just be talking nonsense here, but i cant seem to shake the feeling that a good deal of the autistic experience is a feeling of Pretending To Be Human, except this version of Human that we’re pretending to be is so exaggerated in its normalcy that its entirely alienating, and its just so ridiculous because being autistic IS a normal way to be a human being, and we shouldnt have to pretend all the time just to be fucking accepted

#my post #pls dont take anything i said here Too Seriously im just like. processing my thoughts ok #that said if other autistic people relate/dont relate to this im curious to hear your thoughts #again for those who may think im pissing on the poor: these are just raw thoughts not fully formed opinions

[iridescent-petrichor]

i love you, i mean it, chapter four

Pairing: Peter Maximoff x Stark!Reader

Warnings: none i think?

Words: 1K

A/N: haha ...... hey........ haven’t updated this in a hot second lol BUT i promise i wont abandon this ! i worked very hard on my outline im not letting it go to waste so i will still be updating this!!

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

The day had come and gone, and you and Peter were exhausted to say the least. You didn’t talk much on the drive home, and Peter was kind enough to take the box of your dad’s things inside before you could even blink. He sped back to the car, though, and walked inside the apartment by your side.

You could see the city lights from one of the many windows in your place, taking a moment to stare out into the night and allow yourself to get lost in your own thoughts.

“Hey.” Peter’s voice doesn’t startle you anymore, and you try not to think about how empty the apartment is gonna be without him. You’ve really gotten used to being around him.

When you turn to face him, he’s changed into more comfortable clothes – you picked them out for him, said they’d look nice on him. You were right.

It reminded you that you still hadn’t offered him your bed for the night.

“Oh, by the way.” Peter raised his eyebrows, waiting for you to finish your thought. “You can uh, take my bed tonight. I mean, if you want.”

He frowns, shaking his head lightly. “Nah, I couldn’t do that to ya. It’s yours anyway.”

“Peter the couch looks so uncomfortable, just take my bed.”

“No, ‘cause then you’ll be uncomfortable, and I don’t want that.”

You scoffed, crossing your arms. “I’ll be fine.”

“Just- what if-” Peter hesitated, suddenly looking everywhere but you. “What if we… shared?”

Oh.

Oh.

You’d certainly entertained the idea but you never thought Peter would actually suggest it. He stared at you expectantly, but you couldn’t articulate any of your thoughts – your brain was going a million miles a minute and you could feel your face getting warmer by the second.

“I mean-”

“I’m just saying!” He quickly interrupts, but you can barely hear him over the sound of your heart beating in your chest. “Obviously we’re both gonna be pretty stubborn about this, so might as well just… compromise? Right?”

You force yourself to nod, still unable to wipe the dazed expression off of your face.

“Yeah.” Your voice was smaller than you expected, and you felt so stupid for how flustered this boy made you. You fought aliens in space for fuck’s sake, why did this one stupid boy have you so weak in the knees? “Yeah, that’s fine. A compromise.”

“Good.” He said, looking to the floor now, shifting his weight on his feet.

“Good.” You repeated, shoving your hands in your pockets. “I’ll go get changed then.”

You all but sprinted to your bedroom, rushing to throw clothes in your hamper and clean up the mess that you had accumulated over time. Once it was adequate enough for you to let Peter see your room, you quickly changed into some pajamas, taking a moment to let your thoughts run rampant about how you’re gonna let someone you’ve known for less than a week sleep in your bed.

What are you getting yourself into?

Finally, you swing open your bedroom door, stepping back in surprise when you see Peter standing right outside.

“So,” You move aside to let him in, watching anxiously as he takes it all in.

“It’s cute.” He says, smiling to himself as he walked in, turning slowly to see the whole room. You felt your face get warm, avoiding his gaze again.

“Thanks.” You reply, cringing at how tense it is in your room. When you glanced up, he was already looking at you, a halfhearted smile on his face that made butterflies erupt in your stomach.

Without warning, Peter leaps onto your bed, immediately burying himself in your blankets and knocking out not long after his head hit the pillows.

Running around all day must’ve taken a lot out of him.

You stifle a yawn, hiding it behind your hand before you carefully climbed into the bed next to him, trying to move around the space he’s taken up. Resting your head against the pillow, you try to ignore the boy fast asleep next to you and just get some rest.

Five minutes pass.

Then ten.

Then twenty.

With a groan, you sit up in your bed in frustration, grabbing your phone off the bedside table to scroll mindlessly through social media until your eyes would start feeling heavy.

By the time you actually start nodding off, you hear a noise next to you that jolts you back awake, casting a quick glance at Peter. He’s still deep asleep, but he’s restless, and if you lean closer you could almost hear him muttering something.

Frowning, you realize he’s having a nightmare. You grew up with them, living in a tower full of Earth’s mightiest defenders with danger lurking around every corner didn’t exactly inspire the sweetest of dreams.

“Peter.” You whisper, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t respond, hands coming up instead that nearly smack you in the face. “Hey,” you try to keep your voice as soothing and calm as possible in an attempt to bring him out of his dream as smoothly as possible.

That never seems to work out, though.

“Pete.” Your voice is louder, and your hand shakes his shoulder with just enough force to wake him up. He jerks awake, bolting into an upright sitting position, grasping for anything to keep him tethered to the world outside of his nightmare. His hand finds yours, squeezing tightly as he looks around the room in fear.

“You’re okay.” You assure him, giving him a warm smile when he looks at you.

“Holy shit,” He whispers with a forced laugh. “Sorry about that.

You shook your head firmly, giving his hand a comforting squeeze. “Don’t apologize. I’ve dealt with nightmares my whole life, it’s okay.”

“Right,” He nodded slowly, eyes gazing down towards your intertwined hands for a moment before he looked back up to you. “Cause you’re one of those… revengers, right?”

You laugh, glad the tension in the room began to dissipate. “Avengers.”

“Yeah, what I said.” He chuckled, neither of you pulling away when you realize how close your faces were to each other.

“C’mere.” You whisper, pulling him closer to you, into your arms. Trying to ignore the fast beating of your heart as you did so, you kept your arms wrapped around him as he buried his face into your neck, breathing deeply. You felt him relax, absentmindedly running your hands through his hair as you stared up at your ceiling.

You were definitely in way too deep.

#HES BACK!!!!!! SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING I MISSED THIS FIC SO MUCH THO #peter maximoff imagine #peter maximoff x reader

[linkspooky]

hey, can you share your thoughts and opinions on dazai osamu's no longer human?(just the book and not in connection with bsd) i read it, i liked it, but i couldnt really relate to it. so im wondering if i should read the setting sun or not. what do you think abt this book?

I don’t think books really need to be relatable to be impactful, but context can help you understand it. In general my advice is the best way to understand a book is to read more books like it. Always, read more books. 

Sure, I can write a repsonse to the text though. The book, not the anime. (Ignore the picture of Dazai, he’s just there to look cute.)

The biggest and most important idea in No Longer Human (Ningen Shikakku).  The most literal translation of the title being  (人間失格)  "Disqualified From Being Human. I bring this up, because use of the character in the title has specific meaning.

人 (hito) : human, person 人間 (ningen): human Generally speaking, 人 is used for people, while 人間 is used for humans as a taxonomic classification. 

Much like English, the fact that a person is a human is usually a given, because in our world, we call those who are humane “people,” and only humans can be humane. Just like you wouldn’t usually count humans with “three humans” and say “three people” instead, the usual way to count three humans in Japanese would also be 三人 instead of 三人間.  “Human society” is 人間社会, etc.

Or to shorten  人 (hito) : human, person 人間 (ningen): human, biological.

So, there’s an extra nuannce there in the translation. The title of the book uses “ningen” as in the sense of taxonomical classification. So, it’s like saying “disqualified from being considered as a part of the human species.” 

I go this far in my intro because most consider Dazai’s work to be a response to Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment, (he name drops both Dostoevsky and the novel itself). Both of these novels portray society as a whole as an antagonistic force to one individual, who is considered an outsider to that same society. There’s a lot of similarities between the protagonists, both Raksolnikov and Yozo are terminally ill, show signs of mental illness, and both are characters who show incredible self-awareness and moments of self reflection while at the same time being unable to connect to the feelings or identify with the people around them in any healthy way. 

To connect back to my little rant on the translation of the title though, what could disqualify a person from being considered a human being? Well, they could commit a crime for instance. Then they’d be classified as a crimminal. 

Both protagonists of both novels are crimminals in a sense. However, that’s about where the similarities end. NLH is centrally about the main characters egoism. Society matters so little in NLH, society is just something that hangs ominously in the background to the outsider. 

Now there’s another novel by Dostoevsky that similiarly is recorded in a journal format, and is mainly about the main characters Ego.  Notes from Underground is considered to be one of Dos’s first existentialist novels. Existentialism (to oversimplify) in a sense of what does existing in this world mean? 

That’s why I say the central conflict is not with society itself, but rather within the character’s own head. The outsiders of society only exist within their own heads. Their main challenge is not to grapple with society, morality and law like Raskolnikov but rather to figure out what is inside their own heads and what they live for. 

Which is why the protagonists of both novels are terrible egoists. Their main personality trait is their egocentrism, or rather their inability or unwillingness to try to see or understand the feelings or experiences of others. They are first person narrators who only see the world from their own point of view, but they are not objectve narrators. The only thing they can see, the only thing they can relate to, the only thing they can convey is their feelings to the reader. 

F. Scott Fitzgerald writes a similiar novel from a similiar point of view in This Side of Paraidse, which shows the journey of one young man born into a rich family who grows up to not only lose the love of his life, but also to squander all his fortunes at the end of the story. However, Fitzgerald drops all pretense on what the story is about. The chapter titles are things like, the romantic egoist, the egoist considers, narcissus off duty, all the way to the egoist becomes a personage. 

The book ends like this. 

He stretched out his arms to the crystalline, radiant sky.

“I know myself,” he cried, “but that is all.” 

It’s an egoists journey to developing a personality. To way oversimplify again, ego is yourself that exists in your own head, personage is what you show to others. At the end of This Side of Paradise, the main character gains himself, while at the end of NLH the protagonist loses himself. It’s the same journey but in reverse, it’s a net loss, it’s tragic. 

NLH, This Side of Paradise, and Notes from the Underground are all about egoists who are aware of their own feelings, but aren’t aware of the feelings of others. They’re all ridiculously self absorbed individuals. That’s actually, like, the unreliable narrator trick of the novel. 

Yozo is sympathetic yes, he’s an outsider to society, but at the same time Yozo is not the helpless, miserable victim he portrays himself as. He is not the victim to a cruel society, one he comes from a place of privilege and two he becomes a perpetrator. Hence, the whole... crime and punishment allusions. It’s this added complexity to Yozo that’s what makes the book as brilliant as it is. Yozo is someone who is both victim and perpetrator, but he only sees himself as a victim and the story he tells paints him exclusively as a victim. 

But Yozo’s central problem isn’t society its himself. His conflict and greatest obstacle is always his own ego. The reason we read the book biographically, is because we see him grow up, or rather fail to grow up. As a kid he is sympathetic, as an adult he’s a pretty serial user of people. 

Yozo constantly asks for sympathy, but at the same time he’s not really one to sympathize with others. When he tries to commit suicide with a woman, he reports these events with no remorse at all. 

I removed my coat andput it in the same spot.

We entered the water together.

She died. I was saved. 

He seems real broken up about it. 

That’s also a pattern that repeats again and again with Yozo. If you want to see the real nature of Yozo’s character you should see how he treats both women and children. They exist to make him happy, to soothe his misery, and when they don’t he leaves them. 

Like, out of context. What does this sound like. 

What a holy thing uncorrupted virginity is, I thought. 

I had never slept with a virgin, a girl younger than myself. I’d marry her.

The few times we do meet outside characters we see that Yozo is someone referred to as a crimminal, but refers to himself as a victim. 

“Don’t be cheeky now, I for one have never been tied up like a common crimminal the way you have.” 

I was taken aback. Horiki at heart did not treat me like a fully human being.

If you read No Longer Human as a response to Crime and Punishment, you could even read the many women that Yozo falls into flings with and then promptly abandons as a response to Raskolnikov and Sonya. For Yozo, each woman he meets is his Sonya, they are meant to redeem him and bring him peace, and whn they don’t he leaves. Yozo someone missing the point that, Raskolnikov loved Sonya because he sympathized with her circumstances and suffering while Yozo really only ever cares about his own suffering. 

To bring the discussion back to Notes from the Underground. It’s a story divided into two parts, that really doesn’t work without the second part of the story. In the first part, as we are just fed the main character’s thoughts he looks like some kind of revolutionary philosopher. Then in the second we follow the character though a day in his life and he’s just sort of... socially awkward. He’s not some brilliant thinker, he’s just an outsider who can’t connect with others, like Yozo. The second part is necessary to underwrite the first because in the first part of the journal he looks like a champion, and in the second he’s just pathetic. He’s just some guy. Notes from the Underground also has one of my favorite lines in all of fiction. 

"They won't let me ... I can't be good!" I managed to articulate; then I went to the sofa, fell on it face downwards, and sobbed on it for a quarter of an hour in genuine hysterics. She came close to me, put her arms round me and stayed motionless in that position.

The protagonist encounters a young prostitute name Liza, he tries to save her at first, but then turns around and starts to treat her terribly and has a mental breakdown in front of her that ends in this line. She finds him pitiable, and comforts him in that moment. 

However, after this moment of comfort he then he goes back to treating her terribly once more. He yells at her, and she grows tired of him. He pays her and she leaves and that’s the end of that relationship. 

See it’s a moment that’s simultaneously, a moment of human connection, but also it shows how the protagonist regards other people and why he can’t connect to them. If you only use other people to comfort your loneliness, you’re going to end up alone either way. The same way the Narrator uses Liza, Yozo chronically uses women. 

However, at the same time. 

“They won’t let me... I can’t be good.” 

Is what I consider the most striking lines in all of fiction. It is both an avoidance or responsibility, and at the same time an utterance of the baisc human desire to be good. It's always everyone else's fault, the problem is with other people. Yet both Narrator, and Yozo want to be good people, they want to connect with others. 

Yozo and the Narrator are crimminals. They are bad people. (A person who has committed a crime isn’t necessarily a bad person but..) However, being a crimminal does not disqualify you as a human being. They are still people who are suffering. The secondary goal of a novel like Crime and Punishment is to show St. Petersburg as a city where everyone is human, and everyone suffers, good and bad people alike. Yozo and the Narrator are miserable, and there’s humanity in that misery. You don’t have to even connect to their feelings, isn’t it bad to see a person suffering? Doesn’t that elicit an emotional response because nobody wants to see other people suffering and in pain. That’s the basic humanity in these characters. Yozo and Narrator aren’t inhuman. They’re just like... normal people. They are anxious, avoidant. They are terminally insecure. They’re socially awkward. They understand themselves better than other people. Those are all just normal human sentiments shared by everyone, it’s just Yozo and Narrator are so egocentric they act like they’re the only people in the world.

Yet the same, just like the moment Liza sympathized with a man who treated her terribly and only saw her as a prostitute, people still sympathize with miserable people and want to ease the suffering of others. That’s why Dazai writes stories for miserable people.

I am writing a tired story for young readers,

not because I want to be different,

or because I am unconcerned with young readers’ tastes.

I write it rather because I know it will please them.

Young readers are tired and old themselves these days,

and my story can bring them no discomfort and no surprises.

It is a story for those who have lost hope.

                                                                       (Osamu Dazai, Of Women)

#Anonymous #osamu dazai #no longer human #fyodor dostoevsky #literature analysis #crime and punishment #notes from the underground #this side of paradise #thinking is hard #don't ask me to think for the rest of the day my head hurts #f. scott fitzgerald #to answer your question anon #you should be able to read the settting sun #justified #it's an entirely different novel #it's not about #this one guy's ego #it's written perspective of a woman in the post war japan #that one is about society #it's about the transition period #and people reinventing themselves #i mean you might not get it because you were not alive in japan in the 1940s but #It's an entirely different book #try reading dazai's schoolgirl #or pandora's box #they're much shorter. #spooky speaks

[daydream-believin]

The Never-Ending Roadtrip (new beginnings)

Summary: Reader joins Douxie in the quest for Nari’s safety. He’ll need company won’t he? - Also, a talk about Merlin and grief. It’s big feelings time. (part two)

Warnings: Swearing, theres like three bad puns and at least one meme im sorry

Word Count: 2713

A/N: inspired by the fact that i recently moved states and it was the most tedious trip ever. It took the entire day. i was bored out of my mind. So i decided to write about going on a long boring roadtrip with Douxie instead. also, i have a black cat myself and i can attest that they are little domesticated demons. she didn’t like the long trip either.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” Douxie deadpanned when he saw (Name) run up to join him on the ship, perching on the edge. “Well I’m coming with you, obviously.” Douxie had known the young woman long enough to know that there would not be a point in arguing. They would just go round and round for hours before she ultimately won. She fought dirty, puppy dog eyes and all. He didn’t have time for this.

After making sure that Archie and Nari were secure, Doux turned back to (Name), “You’re absolutely sure about this decision, love? Once we take off there’s no going back. We could even be running for the rest of our lives. You really should stay with the others,” he warned.

She looked annoyed. “Yes, Doux. I am absolutely sure. I wouldn’t want you to do this alone. And besides, you’ll need me.”

He blushed for a second before realizing she meant he would need her as in extra backup and not that he needed her needed her. Trying not to show the slight disappointment that was written on his face, he chuckled and covered his cheek with his palm, “Of course.”

They set off into the early morning sky. After waving goodbye to the rest of the gang, (Name) clung to the golden railing, looking out over California in amazement. It was like she was in a movie. This was her life changing magic carpet ride. Of course, a lot about her life had seemed to be out of a movie lately. Ever since she discovered her gift for sorcery. Ever since she got mixed up in all this Arcadian mess. Ever since she met Douxie.

Surprisingly, Douxie was really talkative for the first few hours of the trip. (Name) had expected him to be a bit more closed off, considering the week they had just gone through. He was really gushy too, with his heart on his sleeve even more so than usual, and that’s saying something for Douxie. Maybe momentary death was good for unclogging heart pipes.  (Name) was loving it. Not the momentary death thing. That had almost stopped her heart. No, it was so nice to be having such lighthearted conversation with her friends. Kept her from dwelling on things. Once night got closer, though, she couldn’t help it. What could she say, the pink splattered purple sunset made her sentimental. She and Douxie had slipped into a little talk about Arcadia, about the kids, about what had happened, and about what was next for them. Despite her gushing about how happy she was to be here with him, Douxie still felt really guilty that he put her through all this. She made the mistake of telling him how much it scared her, everything that happened earlier. She made a bigger mistake telling him how she cried over his body, refusing to accept that he was gone. He wasn’t of course, but she didn’t know that.

He suddenly got quiet after that. The conversation lulled. Even Nari and Archie seemed to sense that something was off and kept quiet. After watching the stars roll by in silence for a few hours, (Name) started to feel the tug of sleep. She tried to find a cozy spot, but failed, because she was on a ship. A pretty basic little vessel. There were no seats or anything even kind of cushiony. She contemplated using Archie as a pillow, but that probably wouldn’t fly well with him. Pun intended.

Douxie was still as statue, staring out straight ahead into the clouds. Like a grizzled old sea captain. The bags under his eyes were getting worse than usual, but (Name) decided to not to say anything to him and let it be. He looked like he was enjoying the silence. She didn’t think he’d sleep tonight. How could he? She mused. (Name) herself hadn’t even begun to truly process all that had happened. She wished she knew what to say. Anything to comfort him, to let him know she’s be there. But (Name) was no use now, in her sleepy state. She might make it worse. She’d try talking to him in the morning. If he even wanted to talk.

In the end, (Name) wound up leaning against the corner, using her balled up over-shirt as a pillow. It was a bit colder now, but with Nari snuggled up in her lap and Archie stretched out over her legs, she’d be just fine. They might as well had been heaters. Doux wouldn’t join them, insisting that they needed to fly through the entire night to put as much distance between them and Arcadia as possible. He assured them that he’d wake them up if something was the matter. Of course, they were sleeping on an open deck floor. Any sort of trouble would wake them up immediately anyway, but it was a nice thought. (Name) snuggled into her makeshift pillow. She took one last look at Douxie, brooding at the helm, before slipping off to dreamland. It was a mediocre dream.

The morning sun came sooner than (Name) wanted. The cheeky bugger. There was no use trying to go back to sleep. The sun was too big and bright. so, so bright. Nari also stirred when the sun beam hit her face. She blinked blearily and let out a cute yawn. Or at least it would have been cute, had it not been directly into (Name)’s face. (Name) had to give it to Nari though, her morning breath actually didn’t smell bad. It was earthy, floral even. Damn nature spirits. Despite (Name) and Nari being awake, the sun’s rays seemed to have little to no effect on Archie. He could sleep through anything, on anything, at any time. Damn cats.

Douxie looked like the dead. His raven hair was a mess, lips chapped from the wind. Those eyebags had somehow gotten even worse. Douxie gave Tim Burton characters a run for their money. (Name) decided it might be better to wait until she was a bit more awake and articulate to try and talk to him more about… the, ah, events from yesterday. Yet, she was fully aware that if she kept procrastinating, the conversation was just going to get worse and worse. But the timing’s not right. Yes, the timing’s just not right. The stars, they’re not in position. In fact it might be easier if she got him to take a nap first. Yeah, no need to cause sleep deprived Douxie to have an unnecessary breakdown.

It took some convincing, but (Name) finally got him to agree to let her take the helm and get that well deserved rest. Not that Douxie thought he deserved it. He wasn’t too happy about leaving (Name) and Nari alone, figuratively, while he was unconscious and unable to protect them. He wasn’t too happy about a lot of things, really. He especially didn’t care to be alone with his subconscious. But with the worried look (Name) gave him, he couldn’t help but comply with her demands. Her and her bloody puppy dog eyes.

He woke up to the sound of (Name)’s singing. She probably hadn’t meant to wake him up, with her soft voice hushed, but nonetheless he was awake. Douxie was a light sleeper. He had to be, after all his troublesome years. She was singing a sweet little love song. He felt a drumming in his chest as he listened. Speaking of his chest, there seemed to be a bit of pressure on it. A familiar pressure. It started to purr, sending the comforting vibrations through his ribcage. He gave Arch a good scritch behind the ears before sitting up.

“Your voice is so lovely, you know. I cannot imagine why you’re always hiding it.”

Name startled. “Did I wake you?” she asked, concerned since he hadn’t been out but for a few hours.

“Yes, you had,” He began gently, “But, I’m glad.”

“You’re glad?”

“Of course, I got to hear that beautiful singing voice of yours. Quite the rarity, innit?”

(Name) flushed. She wasn’t sure if she was flattered by his compliments or embarrassed that he had caught her singing once again. Still, she tried to refute his words but all that came out was a flustered sputter. Thankfully, Nari came to the rescue. Unintentionally, but a rescue all the same.

“Hisirdoux, now that you are awake, may I ask where it is that we are going?” the small goddess asked.

“Oh, uh, about that,” Doux wrapped his arms behind his back and sucked some air through his teeth, “I actually didn’t have a set place in mind. I think we’ll just wing it. On our winged boat.”

(Name) whipped her head towards him so fast she’d get whiplash. She didn’t even acknowledge the terrible joke. “I’m terribly sorry, but you what.”

“I just thought we’d head northeast for now. Once we run out of land, we’ll pick a new direction. It’s not like we’d be able to stay too long in a place, after all. It’s safer to be constantly moving.” He tried not to sound to unsure in this rambling. He did have a plan, just not one that looked too solid on a piece of paper. It’ll be fine. They’ll be fine.

“I- okay.” She didn’t sound too panicked, which Douxie counted as a win. Still, he didn’t want her to be too stressed about the uncertainties. He figured he might as well just pick a place to ease her fears a bit. She couldn’t worry herself raw, that was his job.

“How about New York City? That can be our first official destination on the Never-Ending Roadtrip.”

“Yeah, yeah okay. New York City, that sounds nice.” Victory.

***

“Ugh, we’ve been flying over basically the same damn thing forever! Can’t this thing go any faster?” (Name) whined as she leaned over the edge like a wilted flower. Her wind-mussed hair hung over her face. It took everything in Douxie not to flinch whenever she got to close to where she might fall out. Sure, she would most likely be able to break her fall with magic, not coming out with too many scratches, but it still scared him just the same. (Name) was gonna give him a heart attack one of these days.

“It’s a fucking magical flying boat, (Name). It goes eighty miles per hour tops. Do you know how advanced that was in the twelfth century? It was a fucking miracle of technology, (Name). It’s not the boat’s fault we’re currently travelling through Kansas.” Doux huffed. He quickly felt guilty for snapping at her and apologized. He felt a bit on edge lately. Their conversation last night kind of freaked him out. He wanted to be a little more protective of her now since she told him about how scared she was, but snapping at her would just accomplish the opposite of getting across how much he cared.

Name sighed. Looking around the ship, she noticed that Nari and Archie were just napping in the sun, completely unbothered by her and Douxie’s loud outbursts. She looked back out into the seemingly infinite grass field again.

“Well, I guess now is a pretty good time,” She said cryptically, “Hisirdoux, we need to talk.”

It was like she just injected ice water into his veins. He didn’t like her tone, plus, those words were never proceeded by something good. Never. “To talk?” he asked with a nervous tinge in his voice, hoping if she elaborated it wouldn’t be as bad as the conclusions he was jumping to.

“Yeah. Talk. About your feelings.” Well now he was panicking. She said that so solemnly. How did she know? Fuzzbuckets, she was about to reject him, on this boat they were stuck on, in the middle of Kansas. Rip out his heart and throw it into the grassy void.

“To talk, about my feelings?” he repeated her again, incredulously. He put on his best fake smile.

“Yes, Doux.” She sat down on the railing near him and crossed her legs. “I just- I think it’s time we had a proper conversation about stuff. Like say, I don’t know, how you’re handling your grief over a certain mentor.”

Douxie quickly let go of the breath, he wasn’t sure when he started holding, in a loud sigh of relief. Oh thank Merlin, he thought this was going to be bad. That’s what she wanted to talk about? Okay, not the problem he was expecting, but one he could deal with. He’s already had a couple of good cries. He spent most of last night mulling over not just Merlin but the whole concept of death. He could talk about the weight of grief hanging over his heart, no big deal.

“I believe I am handling it well, thank you for your concern, Love.” He tried to sound nonchalant.

“Hisirdoux Casperan, you stared out into the distance with unblinking glassy eyes for hours last night and barely spoke to any of us. Hell, you fucking died yesterday, Doux. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that. You’re not fine. And you’re not weaseling your way out of this conversation either.” She said sternly. They entered an unspoken staring contest.

“Alright, Love, fine. I am fine. Okay?” She quirked her brow. “I am, truly. I’m at peace. He lived a good life and I’ll continue his legacy with honour. Of course I’m still sad about it, but I’ve got other things to focus on right now. Sure, my chest is still heavy, but it’s not crushing like it was when the wound was fresh,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “And I did get my last goodbye talk with him when I was dead,” He chuckled to try and lighten that last bit up, but name still winced at his words.

“Douxie, I just- I know what it’s like, ya know. To suddenly no longer have that father figure in your life. Someone you looked up to for so long. It’s hard Doux, I get that.” She sympathized. She tipped her head down towards the deck floor.

“Well, in a way, he’s already been gone for about, say, nine centuries. I’ve had my time away from him, so I know that I can do it. It’s the knowing that now he’s gone gone that’s the real kicker.” He glanced across the boat over to the sleeping pile of fur and greenery. Nari was curled up into a ball while Archie mirrored the same, but on top of her. They were like a couple of stacked buns. Douxie smiled at the sight. “And yet, do you know what makes it all feel better?” Name looked back up at him and furrowed her brows.

“You. And Archie. And Zoe. And Claire. And my bandmates and my coworkers and the rest of the Arcadia gang. I’ve got plenty of people in the world now. I know I’ve got all kinds of love.”  He hung his arm over her shoulders. He had made up his mind, he was going to open his heart to her soon. Almost dying really puts one’s priorities in view. “Recently, a great man, well, a great dragon, told me that family is not just who you have, it’s also who you’re with. If one thing I’ve learned in this nightmare week, it’s that you’ve got to enjoy people while you can. Because once they’re gone, they’re gone. You can’t dwell on past love, you’ve got to soak in the love you’ve got now, or you’ll miss it.”

“I guess I understand that.” (Name) said softly. She took in his words. Focus on the now love, huh. She could use to do that too. She felt his hand move from her shoulder to the small of her back.

“Oh hey look at that, we’re coming up on Missouri. How about we stop for brunch, Love?”

“Oh I’m starving,” Archie butt into the conversation and flew over to rest on (Name)’s shoulder. He did one of those black cat yawns where they turn their entire faces inside out and they become nothing more than a black hole with teeth, “I could really go for a bagel with extra lox right now.”

#douxie x reader #hisirdoux casperan x reader #hisirdoux x reader #hisirdoux casperan imagine #douxie imagine #toa wizards #hisirdoux casperan #douxie #my writing #the never ending roadtrip

[samanthadalton]

Gift and a curse part 2

pairings: Bianca x f! mc (Charlie) 

sorry it took so long with part 2, i have like 5 different fics to write and i felt myself burning out a bit bc of school, idk how many parts this fic will have maybe 4/5 

slightly NSFW (im not good at smut writing at all so i apologise in advance if its weird or awkward (or both))

taglist: @cloud9in @robintora @penda-bear @alleycat97 @kawaiibanditmoneytaco @crazzyplays @itszdavenport @annamaries-things @gamechoices-player @oxjenayxo @suoirallesalta @boopbapbeepbop @queensayeed @fantasy-of-fiction @baronyvampire @vampiregod325 @waterinathermostat @sanguetripasebolodechocolate @thepotatobleh (not everyone was showing up in the tags im sorry) 

wordcount: 1.9k

Charlie makes her way to the house, each step filled with dread as she ambles to the front yard. She gingerly opens the front door, quietly closing it behind her, part of her hoping that Adam is already sleeping so she can slip into bed and have the talk with him once she’s off her high from her date with Bianca. Before she can open her bedroom door, the door swings open revealing a concerned Adam as he assesses his fiancee with a worrisome expression. 

“Hey, it’s late where have you been?” He moves forward to place a kiss on Charlie’s lips but in the last second, Charlie turns her head and the bad boy’s lips graze her cheek. “Hey, is everything alright?” his voice laced with concern. Charlie awkwardly steps past Adam entering the room, a solemn look on her face. 

“Not really no,” she mumbles. 

“What happened? Did Vince do something?” Charlie shakes her head. 

“No, no. Nothing like that. But we need to talk Adam.” Confusion washes all over Adam’s face as he attempts to comprehend Charlie’s words, his mouth hanging open struggling to find the words. Charlie sniffles, wiping away the tears in her eyes before they can fall and takes a seat at the edge of the bed, patting the space next to her, for Adam to follow suit. When Adam sits, Charlie sharply inhales, her lips slightly trembling before casting a glance to see Adam’s brows furrowed as he stares off into the distance. 

“I thought we put the whole elopement thing behind us,” he quietly speaks out, his voice low and gruff. He shifts his body slightly to the left, as his gaze flits to Charlie, 

“It’s not about that,” Charlie dismally responds, her eyes trained to the floor unable to meet Adam’s penetrating gaze. 

“Then what is it about, because ever since Vegas something has been off.” 

“Adam….I can’t marry you.” The spike of Charlie’s admission is met with silence as Adam looks away from Charlie, a mixture of indignation and befuddlement in his facial expression. The silence only grows, the atmosphere dense with awkwardness until Charlie reaches out, wrapping her hand around Adam’s to alleviate the tension. “Adam..please say something.” 

Adam lets out a hollow laugh, the pain noticeably instilled in his chuckle as he pulls his hand out of Charlie’s grasp, running it over his face. “What do you want me to say? I don’t get why this is happening. Look I’m not mad about Vegas, I want to marry you even if we have to do it on tv okay I’m onboard with it all.” 

“Adam- no. This is going to sound so shitty of me but it’s not you, it’s me. There’s someone else.” Adam freezes, his jaw clenched as he grasps at Charlie’s words. 

“Who?” he squeaks out.  

Charlie dissolves into tears, her words blubbered out in an incoherent mess. “I’m sorry, i’m so sorry Adam.” 

Adam jumps up from his seat, his voice vehemently echoing through the room, “who?!” 

“Bianca!” Charlie weeps, her sobs becoming more and more uncontrollable by the minute. 

“Bianca?” Adam’s voice dwindles back down to his usual articulation, his tone dripping with confusion. “Charlie what are you talking about?” 

The AME contestant inhales deeply, before letting out a shaky breath, trying to get a grip on her breaths. “A couple of days ago Bianca confessed that she had feelings for me.” Charlie steals a glance at her fiance to see a solemn look on his face. “And….I feel the same way about her.” Adam looks at Charlie with disbelief as a pang of guilt hits the brunette and she slightly winces at Adam’s unwavering gaze. Adam shakes his head with incredulity, struggling to come to terms with Charlie’s admission. “I didn’t mean for this to happen but it happened so suddenly an-” 

“Exactly!” Adam says, cutting Charlie off, “this is happening too quickly. I mean last night you were fine with marrying me and now you’re saying you don’t want to. Charlie you’re just confused.” 

“I’m not confused!” 

“It’s just wedding jitters.” 

The two continue talking over each other, their voices overlapping unable to hear what the other is saying. It isn’t until Charlie yells out Adam clamps his mouth shut, “Adam stop! Please listen to me.” The two stare at each other with great intensity until Adam breaks the eye contact, nodding softly. 

“Okay, explain it to me.” 

And so she does, Charlie comes clean about it all, starting from her past feelings about Bianca to Bianca’s confession to her date with the model tonight which ended in a kiss until they were busted by Mackenzie. Adam listens intently, a blank expression on his face throughout the duration of Charlie’s revelation. 

“I understand,” Adam finally says, a sadness glimmering in his eyes as he glances over at Charlie. 

“You- you do?” 

The bad boy nods dejectedly, “I can’t lie, it hurts but I don’t want to marry someone who isn’t one hundred percent sure about marrying me.” 

Charlie gulps uneasily, responding with a curt nod, “Adam, I am sorry you know.” 

In retort, Adam gives Charlie a sad smile that doesn’t meet his eyes, “I know. Umm I should sleep on the couch I guess,” he rubs his hand against his neck sheepishly. 

“No I can, you should take the bed.” 

“Nah it’s fine,” Adam grabs a pillow and a duvet and just before he leaves the room he turns back to Charlie, “glad you’re listening to your heart, if anyone deserves to be happy it’s you Charlie.” 

Charlie musters a small smile in appreciation, a mournful look in her eyes as she watches Adam leave the room, but she can’t help but feel the butterflies in her stomach as her mind drifts over to Bianca and the kiss she shared with the model tonight. Her fingertips ghost over the outline of her lips as she feels a trace of warmth creeping up on her cheeks as she excitedly speculates about what tomorrow will bring for her and Bianca. 

…..

The next morning Charlie wakes up to an empty house, her mind drifting to Adam’s whereabouts, feeling a pang of guilt as she recollects last night's events. But she brushes off any negative feelings as her thoughts drift to Bianca, eager to declare her feelings. 

Charlie makes her way to the mansion and when she spots Bianca she wordlessly hooks her arm around the model’s steering her into one of the empty bedrooms. Bianca raises a questioning eyebrow at the contestant and before she can get a word in, Charlie pulls her in for a passionate kiss, which Bianca eagerly reciprocates. When they pull away Bianca stares at Charlie, her eyes glimmering with hopefulness and even though she knows the answer, she still knows she has to ask “Babe, not that I’m not happy for some PDA but what about Adam?” 

Charlie grins at Bianca before pulling her in for another kiss, she wraps her arms around the taller girl’s neck while Bianca’s arms snake around Charlie’s waist, diminishing the gap between them. “I told him about us,” Charlie whispers against Bianca’s lips. In response, Bianca stares at the girl with such a great intensity, desire penetrating the atmosphere as she leads Charlie towards the bed. 

Charlie’s knees buckle as they hit the edge of the bed forcing her to fall back onto the bed and Bianca uses the opportunity to straddle the contestant’s hips, a devilish smile on her lips. Charlie gazes up at the model in awe, taking in her features. She glances at the model’s sharp jawline, her intense smouldering hazel eyes, her cute button nose, those beautiful red plush lips. 

Bianca leans down, her lips ghosting around Charlie’s as she whispers, “what did you tell him.” 

“I told him…” Charlie cranes her neck slightly nipping at Bianca’s lips, “that I want to be with you.” 

“Mmmm,” Bianca grinds down on Charlie’s hips, earning a low groan from Charlie who places her hands on Bianca’s hips, squeezing down on them to create more friction between their bodies. Just as Charlie is going to flip over Bianca, the model places her hand on the girl’s chest pushing her down on the bed, a serious look on her face. 

“Hey, is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, I just can’t help but feel a little bad for Adam,” Bianca slides off Charlie and sits down on the edge of the bed, a few seconds later Charlie sits up, lacing her fingers with Bianca’s. 

“I know, it’s been on the back of my mind too,” Charlie sighs tiredly, her fingers subconsciously rubbing circles on Bianca’s knuckles. 

“How exactly did he react?” Bianca asks, her voice laced with apprehension. 

Charlie blows hot air from her lips, huffing, “better than I thought he would. At first he was hurt, but then he was understanding. I could tell he was hurt but he wanted nothing but the best for me.” 

“I guess the bad boy is softer than we thought,” Bianca jests, alleviating some of the discomfort within the room. Charlie smiles sadly before shaking herself out of her thoughts. 

“I don’t want to be thinking about Adam right now,” she inhales sharply as her eyes roam Bianca’s presence, feeling a pool of desire wash all over her as she presses her lips against Bianca, satiating the hunger she feels. 

“I can’t believe you’re all mine” The model runs a finger down the contestant’s body a amourous look twinkling in her eyes. 

“Say that again,” Charlie whispers Bianca’s lips. 

“You’re mine,” Bianca slowly and sensually enunciates. “God you’re so beautiful,” Bianca whispers as she places her hand around Charlie’s neck squeezing softly, “I can’t wait to break you.” She leans in to kiss Charlie, their tongues tangling together in a passionate embrace as Bianca’s tongue languidly moves against Charlie’s, eliciting moans from the contestant. Bianca’s hand travels underneath Charlie’s clothes, her fingers stroking the smoothness of Charlie’s chest before travelling down, her fingers dipping below the waistband of her panties, teasingly tracing around her inner thigh. 

“Please,” Charlie quietly pleads, her breaths becoming short and heavy just from a few touches from the model, turned on by the view in front of her, Bianca begins kissing Charlie’s neck, her fingers still teasing on the outside of the contestant’s panties, her fingers ghosting over where Charlie wants her most. 

“God,” Bianca sighs against the crook of Charlie’s neck, “you have no idea how bad I’ve wanted this.” 

“Show me then,” Charlie challenges. A fire burns in Bianca’s gaze, matching the intensity in Charlie’s as the realisation dawns that her fantasies can now be made into a reality. The girls are locked in a kiss, the atmosphere dense with desire and sexual tension as they move back to the middle of the bed, Bianca taking the reins, straddling Charlie as she wraps a hand around Charlie’s neck squeezing softly as she pushes her down onto the pillow. Just as Bianca’s hands make their way to the hem of Charlie’s clothes, the bedroom door swings open and a gasp breaks them out of the moment as they swivel their heads to the doorway. 

“Omar, we can explain.” 

Fury burns in Omar’s eyes as he looks over at the girls, “Clean yourselves up and then get to the production room now.” 

#playchoices #america’s most eligible #ame #bianca scandoval #bianca ame #bianca x mc

[closedcoffins]

❝  i never realized how much i needed you until you were the one person who wasn’t there.  ❞ ( iorveth for cahir post-stygga in The Verse bc i'm emo im so emo )

Cahir understands the feeling well.

It should have been joyful---or at the very least nostalgic---to spend time in a culture at least halfway familiar to him. He hasn't been with Iorveth for very long, not long enough to learn Elder Speech properly or shoot an arrow with quite the deadly precision the elves can shoot with. Not long enough to gain the trust of absolutely everyone in Iorveth's unit, even if he has Iorveth's.

Not nearly so long that he should be considering the Scoia'tael a home, and yet.

He'll think fondly of home and see acres of land all for him to roam on horseback or on walks with his brother. Grand architecture and beautifully decorated halls filled with ancestors whose names he has known since before he could speak them. Hunting with his father, secret presents given behind his mother's back as rewards for good behavior. Darn Dyffra, on a perfect sunny day, picturesque in such a way that Cahir could put Nilfgaard's occupation behind him the way many might not have been able to.

But then he begins to think of forests. Of elves, of Iorveth. Of the beautiful sound of a flute playing, time spent by a river fishing and talking. Lessons in Elder Speech that had just barely begun to get stricter, a stern voice reminding him of exact pronunciation. Games of dice, and fighting, and the spirit surrounding him of a cause he wonders if he will one day be a part of. Despair and anger and grief, and how fortunate Cahir is to feel those things at all. A home that he never thought he would have.

In some ways, it was nice. None of the company he had been dropped off with had been unpleasant, save for the Witcher, whose harsh guardedness did not frighten him into silence nearly as much as it would have had Cahir not known Iorveth to be the same way towards him. They had been perfectly friendly, as a matter of fact.

But they hadn't been Iorveth. They would sneak off to breakfast together when Cahir would turn his back so as to not make him feel excluded, and Cahir would never know how to tell them that he'd feel alien in this place either way because all he'd be thinking about was Iorveth, was conversations by the river. He'd never felt such an intense longing before, never missed someone so much.

"I as well," Cahir begins, then finds himself unable to articulate the intense madness of his thoughts in a way that satisfies him fully. There's much he wants to say, but he doesn't possess the mind of a poet. "Some part of me feared that I would realize that I was missing something out here. That I would spend time in Toussaint and understand that I was meant to be among humans rather than at your side."

A fleeting thought, dismissed the moment he had arrived. But one that had happened nonetheless. Cahir turns to look at Iorveth, routine of fishing momentarily disrupted just to speak. "I was wrong. I was glad to be wrong. I accomplished what I set out to do, but I felt as though there was a part of me that I had left behind with you. It was hollow."

He doesn't say incomplete. Avoids the word deliberately, in fact. No, he had not been incomplete when he'd met Iorveth. There was never, as they describe it in the stories, undeniably a part of himself that was missing. But after spending time here and speaking with Iorveth, Cahir is certain that he has given a tangible piece of himself to the elf who had once regarded him with disgust and distrust. He wouldn't feel so strongly about leaving otherwise. He had placed his heart gently in Iorveth's hands---whether it was originally a display of trust or affection, Cahir does not know. It matters little.

"Is that strange? We haven't known eachother all that long." And it had seemed at first---this, Cahir does not say aloud, though wonders to himself if Iorveth thinks so too---that the two of them were separated by a vast universe. The bridge that crossed the gap had formed quickly, but strong, taking Cahir entirely by surprise. "Yet I missed you. I would think to turn to my side and speak to you, only you were not there. Is that strange?"

Cahir returns to looking at the delightfully peaceful flowing water of the river. It would be far worse to look at were Iorveth not looking alongside him.

"I am sorry for saying it suddenly," Cahir begins, "But I love you, I think. I know, I should say. I thought about that often too."

the yearning. / accepting.

#muse: cahir mawr dyffryn aep ceallach #scoia'tael verse: cahir mawr dyffryn aep ceallach #openedbooks

[thecommunityoftrustworthysinks]

so i just reblogged this post and im putting this here because i don’t think it’s appropriate to put it on the post itself (originally i was gonna put a couple tags but decided that was inappropriate and then got into more detail here), since it’s just a tangent that is not related to judaism, so it would be derailing on that post, but it’s still something im thinking about

this particular paragraph from the reblog is the relevant part:

It’s likely that @[user, i edited this out just because i don’t want to @ them] is what we’d refer to as a Christian Atheist, somebody who has Christian heritage and actively participates in secular Christianity without acknowledging that it’s still connected to a religious movement, despite not personally observing it that way. For some reason, it never occurs to people like this that atheist Jews can also have secular versions of their own holidays. Instead, they expect atheist Jews to adopt secularised Christianity because they think their heritage can be devoid of religion in a way ours cannot, which is incredibly offensive and hegemonistic. 

the last three paragraphs of this post have the bulk of my point (starting with the “basically” bolded below) but the rest of it contains my thought process to how i got there

this paragraph sparked something that has been kind of rolling around in the back of my head for awhile. because it’s bothered me for awhile when i see people talk about how christianity is inescapable and particularly everyone loves it, when i know as a pretty devout regularly practicing christian, i frequently run into prejudice and criticism and issues with practicing and people reacting poorly to the name only. but i wasn’t questioning their experiences, because i know there’s a lot of awful christians.

so what was causing the discrepancy? and i think this paragraph helped me see where that’s coming from, because what they pointed out was completely true, in america (maybe elsewhere too but just this is where i live, so i can only speak to here), christianity in name and holidays, is dominant in the culture. but there has been a growing breach in the difference between the “christianity” that is present there and actual legitimate christianity that people like me practice and believe.

easter is the best example of this. christmas has VERY blurred lines between what is christian and what is secular, but easter? there is zero overlap between the eggs and bunnies shit and actually what christian easter is about. some people blend them together and some do both, but in terms of the actual holiday celebration? like night and day.

and frankly i know i, and a lot of other christians, are actually not fans of that happening. (there are plenty christians who are happy to have our holidays off automatically whatever the reason, and think that’s how it should be, but they’re not who im talking about here, and often overlap strongly with the category of people that worship america more than any god). but i know i don’t honestly appreciate having holidays that are valuable and religious to me be watered down and presented to the rest of the world as if that’s what they’re actually like. how many memes i see about fucking. what eggs have to do with jesus. they DON’T and it’s irritating! that’s not what an actual christian easter is about.

basically, my reaction to the paragraph above is that the writer is absolutely 100% correct, and this brought to mind an answer to something i had been unable to articulate until now.

there should be no reason to expect secularized christianity to be the standard cultural setting, both from that perspective above and from within practicing christianity. everyone would benefit from not having that, whatever your religious or areligious affiliation. and frankly, i think we need to make motions to offer more general holiday time off for people based on whatever their personal holidays are, rather than just setting standard holidays around the year. christmas and easter have been secularized, monetized, cheapened, and sold back at people as standard americana, which ends up pushing christian holidays on people who do not believe in them, while bastardizing them and becoming appropriative and offensive to people who do.

it’s maybe a big dream to have no standard holidays around the year, and just allow people time off work for whatever holidays or lack-thereof they desire to celebrate whenever it is, but i think it would be a future worth pushing for, to stop this mangled christianity from being a bad face for actual devout christians and stop expecting/assuming nonchristian people will participate in it as the default.

#x #christianity #politics #sort of #christian hegemony #perspective matters incredibly #because what may not be real christianity to people like me #still carries the name to other people

[nichester]

Please tell me all your thoughts on Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon! And that Ending!

SCREAM ok sorry I took so long to reply to this but I had to calm down first because this is like the Dream Question and I need to savor the moment.

Ok. So I watched Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon in middle school and LOVED it, and as I've gotten older and watched it as an adult, my opinion of it has only gotten higher.  At the time, it was one of my experiences with foreign-language film (which I love exploring today), it was one of the first movies that was visually striking enough to spark my interest in film-making, and it was my first introduction to wuxia/martial arts films (which I love and tbh have spent quarantine mainlining). On top of that, we all know I love an action movie and this is an INCREDIBLE action film like… seriously… mindblowing.  So this is where my very deep love for it comes from--that it is a beautiful movie in its own right, but also that it has helped introduce me to so many other things that I love!

Now to my thoughts on the ending. It's taken me a long time (literal years. I've been thinking about this movie for literal years.) to figure out what the ending means to me and what I think Ang Lee is trying to say, and I think this is going to be the first time I try to articulate any of those thoughts so please bear with me! Im actually gonna put a readmore bc this got out of control even by my standards.

One of the reasons I love this film so deeply is the relationship between Shu Lien and Jen as friends, enemies, and overall narrative foils. (And Jade Fox but my feelings on her are… complicated. And would take up way too much space!) Both are women who pursue martial arts despite the limitations placed on them because of their gender. Both are thwarted in love due, again, to the societal roles that they must play.

CTHD is very much a movie about social roles and responsibilities. Where is the line between duty and imprisonment? What happens to people who trespass outside of their expected role? Shu Lien has operated inside of the system all of her life, and while she takes pride in what she has accomplished, she also carries a great deal of pain due to the things her social role as a woman warrior has denied her (she is only allowed to progress to a certain level of martial arts training for one thing, not to mention her inability to pursue a relationship with Li Mu Bai). Shu Lien encourages Jen to take a different path from herself, but still advises her to stick to an acceptable role within the system--to be a wife rather than a fighter. Jen finds both options unacceptable. To be a wife she would have to deny her talents and the love she found with Lo (there's a lot to say about Lo and social roles but im TRYING to stay focused). To train in Wudang like Shu Lien would also be restrictive since she would be surrounded by higher knowledge that is forbidden to women. While Shu Lien has the perspective of age and has long ago accepted the life that is available to her, Jen is young, brilliant, and filled with rage. She refuses to choose a place within the patriarchal system and instead is looking to burn the whole system to the ground. But because this is a tragedy, and because the film is aware that systemic problems cannot be solved by individual solutions, no matter how high those individuals fly, she was never going to be able to do that. Within this system there is no way for women to be true to all parts of themselves; there is only the freedom to choose what you are willing to sacrifice. Similarly, there is no justice in this world, only revenge. 

CTHD is about a talented young woman who is trapped and hurt by misogyny so she lashes out blindly. Unable to attack the abstract thing that is the actual cause of her (and the other female characters') trauma--the patriarchal system--she attacks individuals who have come to represent that system to her. She is unable to distinguish between the system she seeks to destroy and people like Shu Lien and Li Mu Bai, who are only trying to live the best lives that they can within the limits imposed on them. The patriarchy remains, unbothered and entirely unaware of Jen's rage, and only individuals suffer. (Me. I suffer.)

At the end, struggling under the weight of the suffering she has caused, but still unable to resign herself to a life within the patriarchal system, Jen seeks an impossible escape. The myth her jump mirrors tells us to take her flight as a sign that whatever higher power exists has heard her pain and understands her struggle. Flinging herself into the air, she is trusting a mythical ideal, searching for an enlightenment that may not exist, at least not in the world as she experiences it. I tend to think that the ending implies she finds that ideal--a world in which she is free to live like she is meant to--but that is not the only interpretation.

I am now realizing I wrote all of this when you really just asked about the ending but. Here you go anyway :)

#crouching tiger hidden dragon #seriously i was so excited about this ask i cant even tell you #my sister was like... did you send this to yourself? #asks and replies

[sirfrogsworth]

The above pictures need a bit of an explanation. The top is from a photographer named Amy and the bottom is an example photo I took of Otis. 

I am a member of a photography group where people post their work and ask for critique and advice. 

Amy had a question that I think a lot of new photographers are curious about. I ended up giving a pretty detailed answer and I thought if there are any people following me that are interested in photography, it might help them as well. 

If you don’t give a hoot about how to take photos, feel free to skip this post. 

Here are Amy’s comments on the post...

Something I really struggle with is indoor lifestyle photos. Its something I never thought I would get into so I am just starting to practice. How the heck do people get sharp/ crisp indoor photos?? No matter how hard I try, I always have tons of noise. I know full frame cameras handle the higher ISOs better, but is it just that or is it proper settings, skillful editing, or a combo?? Any constructive criticism?

Settings: Canon 80D, 35mm, ISO 1000, f/2.0, 1/123

I feel like so many people don't use any artificial lighting though. Unless I am really bad at spotting the signs that it was used...

I understand the depth of field in this photo. Maybe I am just unable to articulate what I mean....also yes. I used lightroom for noise reduction. I think my question would have been better worded like this: When not using artificial lighting setups indoors and the end result is a great photo that appears sharp, is it because those people 1. Have a full frame camera 2. Nailed their in camera settings 3. Are just bosses at using LR/PS. Does that make sense? Im just aiming for a certain look in my photos that I am not getting and I would like to know if I need practice in camera settings and proper exposure, if I need to learn sharpening skills in LR/PS or if I just wont achieve said look until I upgrade and get better gear? Does that make sense?

I guess I should also note that I have a 27in iMac. Even my best photos look grainy. Perhaps my computer is just big and I see everything up close?

And here is my response...

There are a lot of variables to consider. Yes, a full frame camera with a fast lens and a modern sensor with low noise is going to make it easier to get indoor shots. If you don't have all that, you can even the odds a bit.

If there is an area in your house that you know you will be taking a lot of photos in... add more lights. Those lights that shine straight into the ceiling work well. Add a few of those and you can lower your ISO a bit.

Personally, I use a flash and bounce it into the ceiling or wall. As long as it is a white-ish surface, it works extremely well. It gives you a giant diffused light source. It freezes action perfectly. Even running kids. And you can stop down your lens if you need more depth of field. I get pretty decent results and it looks fairly natural. The downward shadows on people's faces are the only real giveaway.

You can do off-camera flash as well. A cheap Yongnuo receiver can fire multiple flashes even. You can put them on small light stands in the back of a room, fire them at the ceiling, and it will fill the room with tons of natural looking light.

If you want to do more portrait-like stuff, you can buy little softbox accessories to control your light. It sounds like a hassle, but once you get used to the workflow, speedlights are not that difficult to manage. You can keep them mostly set up in a closet and bring them out when you need them.

As far as viewing the images on your monitor. It's not the size of the monitor, it's viewing the image at 100%. Every photo is going to have issues at that magnification. Unless you are printing the photo at a huge size, no one is going to notice many of those issues. Your image above looks fine on Facebook and the noise is totally acceptable.

Being able to edit at 100% is great. It allows us to do very detailed work on our images. But you have to keep in mind how the photo will be viewed. What is the intended audience? Facebook? Instagram? Most of the places people will see your photo will show the image at around 2000 pixels wide max. Try viewing your image at the resolution of the platform it will be published on and judge the noise accordingly.

You can look into advanced noise removal and sharpening techniques. Some of them work okay. But none are magic. As long as you nail focus and there is not any camera shake, I wouldn't worry too much.

Also keep in mind... we can all be our own worst critic. Looking at other people's work can help inspire and educate you. But remember it isn't a competition.

I'm attaching a photo of my corgi as an example. Just a single speedlight fired into the wall. I'm not saying it is a wonderful photo or anything. But I do think the lighting looks fairly natural for what it is. If you cannot tell immediately that a flash was used, then there is a chance some of the photos you thought had natural lighting actually had some help from a speedlight. 

A flash might be worth looking into. You can get generic ETTL flashes that are not insanely expensive. They are easy to use after a few tutorials. I like Yongnuo, but make sure to read reviews and do research.

[atlasfms]

            um  Hello  ,  i  love  u  guys  ,    &    i’m  so  excited  for  this  re - vamp   &     getting  to  write  with  u  all  again  ❤️  for  u  lovely  new  members  ,  i’m  lina    &    my  schedule  is  a  Mess  rn  so  i’ll  be  in    &    out  on  my  days  off  until  it  hopefully  straightens  out  again  ,    &    this  is  my  babe  atlas    !    for  y’all  who  already  know  him  ,  he’s  a  little  more  messy    &    trashy  than  before  soooo  it’s  gonna  be  fun    !    if  anyone  would  like  2  plot  pls  press that  lil  heart  or  hit  up  my  im’s    !

a NEELS VISSER lookalike was strolling down broadway street in their air jordan 1’s. atlas deniro just had a birthday bash for his twenty-second birthday. he has been living in new york city for twenty years. i hear he tends to be heedless at parties, but also kind of beguiling. ( cismale & he/him )

TRIGGERS  ;  DRUG  OVERDOSE  ,  DEATH    &    CANCER  .

━━━    ›    BASICS    \

NAME  ;  atlas    (    to  carry    )    nathaniel    (    gift  of  god    )    arthur    (    noble    ;    courageous    )    deniro    (    notably  people  with  dark  or  black  hair    )  .

NICKNAMES  ;  ace  ,  atty  ,  pain  in  the  ass  .

AGE  ;  twenty - two  .

BIRTHDAY  ;  december  third  .

ZODIAC  ;  saggitarius  .

GENDER  ;  male  .

PRONOUNS  ;  he    &    him  .

NATIONALITY  ;  american  .

ETHNICITY  ;  english  ,  italian  .

LABEL(S)  ;  the  jocular  ,  the  libertine  ,  the  lothario  .

OCCUPATION  ;  model    &    singer

NETWORTH  ;  25  mill    ?

PROS  ;  athletic  ,  challenging  ,  charming  ,  curious  ,  daring  ,  debonair  ,  faithful  ,  forthright  ,  fun - loving  ,  humourous  ,  invulnerable  ,  passionate  ,  perserverant  ,  playful  ,  protective  ,  sociable  ,  spontaneous  ,  witty  .

CONS  ;  abrasive  ,  arrogant  ,  blunt  ,  careless  ,  clumsy  ,  compulsive  ,  conceited  ,  deceitful  ,  destructive  ,  devious  ,  disobedient  ,  egocentric  ,  greedy  ,  ignorant  ,  meddlesome  ,  narcissistic  ,  obnoxious  ,  provocative  ,  reckless  ,  troublesome  ,  unstable  ,  vindictive  .

━━━    ›    HISTORY    \

            aldo  nathaniel  arthur  deniro  was  destined  for  greatness  .  everyone  knew  it    ;    hell  ,  even  the  biggest  ceo’s  in  new  york  were  shaking  in  their  boots  at  the  thought  of  what  this  young  man  was  capable  of  .  he  was  a  dead - ringer  for  his  father  ,  with  his  light  hair    &    bright  blue  eyes  ,  he  had  looks  ,  charms  ,    &    a  good  head  on  his  shoulders  .    &    like  his  father  ,  he  knew  what  he wanted                the  family  business  .  but  first  ,  he  had  to  go  to  college  .    &    only  ivy  league  would  do  for  the  son  of  one  of  the  world’s  richest  ceo’s  .

            columbia  university  was  highly  prestigious  ,  private  ,    &    the  fifth  chartered  institution  of  higher  learning  in  the  united  states  .  besides  ,  it’s  business  school  was  one  of  the  oldest  in  the  world  ,  so  what  more  could  the  future  owner  of  the  family  company  want    ?    in  this  instance  ,  a  girlfriend  ,  but  he  didn’t  know  it  yet  .  when  nathaniel  met  scarlett  baccouche  ,  daughter  of  two  british  politicians  ,  they  didn’t  exactly  get  off  with  the  best  start                they  hated  each  other  ,  in  fact  .  but  what  was  once  hate  turned  into  an  epic  love  story    &    after  they  graduated  ,  they  got  married  .  not  long  after  that  ,  they  had  their  first  child  .

            their  daughter  was  a  stunner  ,  like  her  parents  .  the  news  was  celebrated  all  over  the  world  ,    &    when  aldo’s  father  retired  the  company  into  his  hands  ,  things  just  seemed  to  get  better  .  scarlett  had  a  successful  acting  career  ,  starring  in  a  hit  tv  show  that  seemed  to  be  getting  more  recognised  every  day  .  their  lovely  maid  ,  diane  took  care  of  their  daughter  on  the  days  they  could  not  ,    &    everything  was  pretty  much  perfect  .  they  had  a  huge  property  near  the  coast  of  the  hamptons  ,    &    at  some  point  they  were  ready  to  expand  their  family  .  so  in  early  march  ,  tests  comfirmed  the  news                scarlett  was  pregnant  with  twins.  on  the  third  of  december  1997  ,  atlas  nathaniel  arthur  deniro    &    his  twin  sister  were  born  ,  only  5  minutes  apart  .

            everyone  celebrated    ;    the  family  ,  friends  ,  even  supporters  of  the  notorious  family  .  his  hair  was  fair    &    there  were  arguments  over  whether  his  eyes  were  hers  or  his  father’s  .  but  since  he  was  born  ,  the  main  question  was  whether  he’d  follow  in  his  father’s  footsteps  or  his  mother’s  .  would  he  give  the  family  company  a  modern  twist    ?    would  he  be  this  generation’s  brad  pitt    &    be  the  star  of  hit  blockbusters  in  upcoming  years    ?    people  were excited  ,  but  atlas  wasn’t  .  he  was  nowhere  near  it  .

            the  deniro  household  had  it’s  challenges  .  they  seemed  like  the  perfect  family  unit  ,    &    perhaps  they  were  ,  but  aldo    &    scarlett  had  other  ideas  .  they  were  quite  strict  in  raising  their  children  ,  teaching  them  to  never  slouch  ,  to  use  your  manners  ,  to  keep  up  a  perfect  reputation  .  it  wasn’t  the  family  name  that  was  at  stake  ,  but  also  their  future  ,  because  like  everyone  else  in  the  world  expected  ,  they  wanted  their  children  to  grow  up    &    take  over  one  of  their  careers  ,    &    they  groomed  them  to  do  just  that  .  atlas  hated  it  .

            he  hated  the  daily  tutors  supplied  by  his  father  ,  lessons  in  business    &    the  history  of  the  family’s  .  he  despised  the  acting  classes  his  mother  forced  him  to  take  ,  ones  which  he’d  often  skip  out  on  but  then  would  get  into  trouble  once  his  parents  found  out  .  he  felt  trapped    ;   forced  to  do  things  he  grew  to  loathe  .  to  him  ,  it  was  obvious  that  he  could  do  neither  of  the  things  his  parents  wanted  him  to  do  .  so  the  more  they  pushed  ,  the  more  he  pulled  away  .  he  started  to  feel  less  like  their  son  but  a  puppet  whose  strings  they  kept  pulling  .

            what  he  didn’t  hate  ,  though  ,  was  the  feeling  if  his  fingers  on  guitar  strings  ,  singing  in  the  shower  because  that  was  the  only  place  he  could  sing  without  his  parents  complaining  about  him  making  a  noise  .  diane  would  often  smile  at  him  after  they  chastise  him    &    quietly  compliment  him  on  his  voice  ,  telling  him  he’d  do  great  things  one  day  .  of  course  ,  he  already  knew  this  .  his  music  teacher  told  him  once  that  he  could  sing  the  birds  to  silence  .

            school  was  enjoyable  ,  as  it  goes  .  all  deniro  children  were  educated  in  a  private  school ,    &    although  he  was  close  to  his  sisters  ,  he  made  friends  easily  .  he  had  a  charming  smile    &    witt  that  only  few  would  understand  ,  he  was  the  sort  of  kid  who  got  along  with  anyone  ,  but  he  couldn’t  consider  any  of  them  to  be  close  friends  .  so  whereas  to  them  he  looked  happy  ,  he  was  quite  the  opposite    ;    atlas  eventually  got  tired  of  his  parents  controlling  his  life  so  instead  of  keeping  up  his  otherwise  impeccable  reputation  ,  he  started  to  rebel  .

            he  didn’t  really  do  a  lot  at  first  .  snuck  out  to  a  few  parties  ,  stayed  out  later  than  his  curfew  allowed  him  to  .  did  the  opposite  of  everything  his  parents  wanted  him  to  do  ,  be  that  going  to  the  classes  they  arranged  for  him  or  behave  himself  in  general  .  he  just  wanted  to  live  his  own  life  ,  do  what  he  wanted  .  he  wanted  to  focus  on  his  music    &    follow  a  path  that  he  knew  he  would  enjoy  .  so  he  decided  he’d  do  just  that  ,    &    for  a  while  he  felt  a  little  glimpse  of  what  being  truly  happy  felt  like  .

            however  in  high  school  ,  atlas  got  involved  with  the  wrong  crowd  .  they  introduced  him  to  a  world  he  had  yet  to  really  experience    ;    a  world  full  of  alcohol  ,  sex  ,  drugs  ,    &    general  trouble  .  he  knew  he  shouldn’t  have  stuck  around  it  ,  but  it  was  addicting  .  it  was  so  unlike  the  restrained  life  he  grew  up  with  ,  that  he  jumped  right  into  it    &    found  himself  unable  to  get  out  of  .  there  was  more  to  it  ,  though  .  the  more  he  rebelled  the  more  people  started  to  notice  him  .  how  structured  his  jawline  was  ,  how  illuminated  his  eyes  were  under  any  light  .

            atlas  hadn’t  really  had  an  interest  in  social  media  before  .  of  course  ,  he  had  an  instagram  account  that  he  barely  used  ,    &    didn’t  really  start  using  until  someone  mentioned  he  should  start  modelling  .  sure  ,  they  were  joking  but  atlas  actually  considered  it    &    started  posting  pictures  of  himself  .  his  following  plummeted  ,    &    in  the  november  of  his  sophomore  year  he  was  scouted  a  modeling  agency    &    became  one  of  vogue’s  most  promising  talents  .

            his  career  exploded  from  then  on  ,    &    so  did  his  popularity  .  he  met  people  he  would  never  have  had  the  chance  to  meet  otherwise  ,  more  specifically  someone  called  jason  .  the  pair  quickly  became  good  friends  ,  they  went  to  the  same  school  so  it  was  convenient  .  jason  acted  as  a  good  influence  on  atlas  but  atlas  acted  like  a  bad  influence  on  him  ,  dragging  him  into  the  world  he  found  himself  stuck  in  which  is  when  things  started  going  downhill  .  jason  grew  a  little  too  accustomed  to  narcotics  ,  but  at  first  atlas  didn’t  notice  .  he  wasn’t  really  one  to  talk  ,  anyway  .

            one  night  the  boys  headed  to  los  angeles  to  celebrate  their  upcoming  graduation  ,    &    before  going  for  a  night  out  they  decided  to  have  pre - drinks  in  their  hotel  room    &    started  popping  pills  .  atlas  didn’t  really  see  how  many  jason  took  ,  but  before  he  could  warn  him  it  was  already  too  late  .  everything  else  from  that  night  was  a  blur  of  blue  flashing  lights    &    a  lot  of  strangers  shouting  out  medical  terms  he  didn’t  understand  .  the  only  thing  he  really  remembered  from  that  night  were  the  words  ‘ he’s  dead ’  .    &    an  overwhelming  feeling  that  it  was  his  fault  .

            the  tragedy  of  jason’s  death  left  atlas  in  a  state  of  seclusion  .  he  spent  three  solid  months  alone  in  his  room  ,  blaming  himself  for  what  happened  ,  but  he  didn’t  stop  the  drugs  .  if  anything  ,  he  used  them  as  an  escapism  ,    &    when  his  parents  gave  him  an  ultimatum    :    rehab  or  college  ,  he  chose  the  latter  .  he  enrolled  in  columbia    &    took  up  the  same  business  course  his  father  did  .  for  the  first  month  ,  he  was  bitter  ,  cold  to  everyone  ,  would  barely  talk  if  he  could  help  it  .

            but  some  of  his  old  school  friends  went  to  the  same  college  as  him  ,    &    atlas  started  to feel  more  like  himself  again    (    or  a  version  of  himself  that  felt  similar  to  what  he  was  before    )    &    tried  to  forget  jason    &    everything  that  happened  .  his  parents  has  covered  up  the  death  so  atlas  wasn’t  related  to  it  ,  a  cleverly  articulated  plan  to  keep  it  out  of  the  papers  .  but  that  didn’t  stop  the  questions  ,  which  atlas  would  quickly  divert  in  order  to  forget  .  he  had  to  forget  .

            he  didn’t  .  jason  was  his  friend  ,    &    one  of  the  few  people  who  truly  understood  him  .  jason  always  believed  in  atlas’s  music  ,  so  it  only  felt  right  that  he  returned  to  him  .  if  not  for  himself  ,  then  for  the  memory  of  his  late  friend  .  so  he  dropped  out  of  college  ,  found  himself  a  management    &    started  writing  songs  ,  composing  music  .  at  first  it  was  difficult    ;    every  time  he  sang  a  song  or  played  a  tune  ,  he’d  remember  jason  .  but  after  time  he  eased  into  it  ,  dropped  out  of  college  ,    &    has  been  working  on  his  first  album  ever  since  .

            atlas  became  an  all  together  different  person  .  he  became  manipulative  ,  deceitful  ,  partying  every  night  to  erase  the  memory  of  that  night  like  it  would  somehow  go  away  ,  but  it  didn’t  .  every  time  he’d  close  his  eyes  ,  he’d  see  his  lifeless  friend  ,  so  he’d  stop  closing  them  . he’d  spend  nights  in  a  stranger’s  bed  ,  only  to  leave  in  the  middle  of  the  night  .  he’d  drink  away  the  pain    &    swallow  down  the  guilt  that  was  threatening  to  swallow  him  alive  .

            what  atlas  doesn’t  know  ,  though  ,  is  a  secret  his  parents  are  keeping  from  him  .  in  early january  this  year  ,  his  father  was  diagnosed  with  localised  prostate  .  after  the  loss  of  jason  ,  atlas  became  distant  from  his  parents    &    they  didn’t  want  to  burden  him  with  the  news  due  to  him  only  just  getting  back  to  his  normal  self  after  the  trauma  of  losing  his  best  friend  .

━━━    ›    PERSONALITY    \

            outwardly  ,  atlas  appears  to  be  quite  content  .  he  can  start  a  conversation  with  anyone  ,  act  like  he’s  interested  but  then  three  minutes  later  he’ll  get  bored    &    move  onto  the  next  thing that  interests  him  .  he  likes  staying  busy    &    preoccupied  ,  thinking  that  if  he  keeps  his  mind  busy  ,  he  won’t  think  about  the  past  .  it’s  for  that  reason  that  it’s  hard  to  tell  what  he’s  actually  thinking  ,  unless  you  know  him  really  well  or  are  good  at  reading  people  .

            he  can  be  very  cynical  ,  a  trait  that  he’s  carried  since  he  was  young  but  he  was  better  at hiding  it  then  ,  now  he  really  does  not  care  .  at  first  it  mattered  to  him  what  people  thought  ,  now  he  couldn’t  care  less  .  he  does  what  he  wants  when  he  wants  ,  often  not  thinking  about  the  consequences  of  his  actions    &    then  dealing  with  them  later  .  it’s  for  this  reason  that  he  can  be  quite  manipulative  ,  using  his  charms  to  get  what  he  wants    (    or  who  he  wants    )    to  serve  as  a  distraction  .

            he  can  be  quite  brutal  abiut  his  opinions  ,  learning  a  long  time  ago  that  holding  your  tongue  won’t  benefit  you  at  all  so  he  basically  just  says  what  he  wants  .  but  ,  he  doesn’t  really  answer  questions  directly  ,  especially  if  they’re  personal  .  he’ll  more  likely  change  the  subject  or  divert  the  question  to  someone  else    &    act  like  he  was  the  one  who  asked  the  question  in  the  first  place  .

        atlas  is  very  reckless    &    will  literally  do  anything  for  a  good  time  ,  be  that  getting  so  drunk his  face  hits  the  floor  ,  or  so  high  he  forgets  his  own  name  ,  or  to  even  cliff  diving  so  he  can  get  some  form  a  thrill  .  if  someone  tells  him  he  can’t  do  something  ,  he’ll  go  out  of  his  way  to  prove  them  wrong  .  he’s  incredibly  stubborn    &    has  a  tendency  to  let  people’s  words  go  through  one  ear    &    out  of  the  other  .

━━━    ›    FUN  FACTS    \

he’s  honestly  such  a  lil  shit  tbh    ??    idk  how  else  to  describe  him

he’s  a  vegetarian    &    has  been  since  he  was  eight  bc  he  watched  this  documentary  once    &    was  Distraught

his  vc  is  bazzi  bc  if  u  don’t  know  how  much  i  lov  him  r  we  even  friends

he  has  a  dog  called  bloomer    &    he’s  his  literal  son  ,  like  his  actual  child

he  still  lives  in  his  huge  ass  penthouse  so  if  anyone  wants  2  be  his  roommate  that’s  a  plot  for  u

atlas  is  literally    ??    such  a  fuckboy    ??    but  he  denies  it    &    says  he’s  just  charming  ,  when  rly  he’s  a  lil  bitch

a  dramatic  hoe  who  lives  for  drama  but  is  100%  the  sort  who  will  run  away  if  it  gets  too  much  bc  he’s  a  mess

when  he’s  dedicated  to  something  ,  be  it  a  subject  or  a  relationship  ,  he’s  completely  faithful  which  is  v  surprising

adores  his  fans    &    will  actually  do  anything  for  them  ,  has  been  known  to  punch  out  a  security  guard  or  two  so  he  can  get  to  them

fun  fact  once  he  got  arrested  for  racing  on  private  property

another  fun  fact  is  he  loves  cars  so  pls  do  not  touch  his  bbies  thank  u

he  might  seem  all  fine    &    dandy  but  he’s  on  the  verge  of  a  mental  breakdown  but  won’t  admit  it

gets  drunk  ,  high  ,    &    hooks  up  with  strangers  on  the  regular

he’s  fluent  in  italian    &    has  a  HUGE  italian  family

atlas  can  come  across  as  being  ignorant    &    self - absorbed  ,  but  he’s  actually  really  observant    &    notices  everything

is  100%  the  sort  of  ‘ fall  in  love  with  the  moment    &    think  you’re  in  love  with  the  girl ’  type  of  guy  but  it  lasts  for  like  2  seconds  bc  he’s  fickle

speaking  of  fickle  ,  he’s  had  many  relationships  that  haven’t  lasted  that  long  bc  he  can’t  decide  what  he  wants  from  one  minute  to  the  next

#wealthyhq:intro #drug overdose tw #drugs tw #death tw #cancer tw #ughugh idk if this makes any sense #so imm sry if there’s any typos shfjb

[koreanal]

What should I do?

I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. A lot of stuff just piled up all at once, and I’m not really sure how to handle it. A summary of some things on my mind recently: 

1) I’m really glad I met Steven. Even though it was just a one-time meeting, I got to learn a lot from him about what I want in a person and what I want for myself. We were completely different people: he had set goals in mind and I am floating around spontaneously. He discussed his passion for AI research while I vaguely talked about maybe pursuing law but I had no set path in mind. He had a set conviction for being one of the few passionate and good enough to do research in his field and I even ran out of questions to ask him since I barely understood the things that he said. We talked a lot about his choice of choosing either a stable job at Google or continue to do research at his current lab but it doesn’t have a good pay and would probably disappoint his parents. While I won’t get to ask him myself about his decision, I learned today from a friend that he chose to do research. I wonder if I could ever make that choice. 

During that lunch, the conversations flowed, but there were awkward pauses in between that showed the significant knowledge and interest gap that I know was not a good sign. With that, though, he did something expected as he texted me afterwards and explained what I was thinking but was too afraid to admit - that we probably were not the best fit (romantically). I was sad by this comment at first as no one was ever that upfront with me before. I replied with an appreciation for his honesty and I truly did appreciate that. I wish I could be like him.

2) I cried for real a few weeks ago (this happened the same day as when Steven texted me lol) for the first time since literally Senegal because someone told me that someone else told them that I didn’t do well on a case interview, even when that was probably the most confident I had ever been in one. I was told that they voted for me because I had applied several times, and I took that as a comment of pity vote. I hate it when people feel pity for me. I’m not sure if I made the right choice, but in that moment I chose to drop out of the whole process altogether as I felt like that was the only choice where I could still have some respect for myself. I was later told that the comment was taken out of context, but it was already too late. Oh well. :/ Someone in the organization did reach out to me and I ended enrolling in a course taught by her and I appreciate her a lot since it’s probably one of my favorite classes so far.

3) Adding onto the last part, I never feel like I’m good enough. Even when I seemingly do everything “right”, I was not good enough. People keep telling me that it wasn’t my fault and everyone loved talk to me, but then why am I still not good enough? I’m not even sure what to tell myself anymore. I often justified my shortcomings by telling myself that I come from a different background, but I always feel like that’s just an excuse I tell myself to be salty at other people. 

I know that I do good work and try my best at whatever I’m doing since I do have results to back it up with at whatever job I hold. But still I’m constantly in a limbo state of being confident of myself versus feeling like I don’t belong here at all. I hate the competitiveness here at Berkeley because I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing and I’m just afraid to ask because I don’t like to feel like I’m behind, even when I know I’m ahead of many other people.

One thing that struck me when Andrew Chau spoke was that even when he, and everyone around him, knew in the moment that everything he was doing was wrong, he knew it was right in the long run. I had the same thought process when I made the choice to go to Senegal, and it did turn out to be the best decision of my life, but I’m having a hard time trusting myself that it’ll all be okay in the end right now. It’s hard to not doubt myself when a lot of people around me are seemingly doing well right now. This feeling of doubt was magnified today when I got rejected from Haas - though I didn’t care a lot for it I still felt a little bad about myself for not getting in, even when I know that nothing has really changed since Haas wasn’t a part of how I want to achieve my goals originally. Got to reconnect with some cool friends that I met from the cursed UGBA10 class today though and definitely grateful that I got to go through the process.

4) I love my friends. I never expected to find that here at Berkeley - from the people who randomly called me at 2am when I was walking home really sad that one night and made me laugh to those who just sit with me in silence and enjoying each other’s presence while doing work. I hate calling but now I’ve been doing random 3 hour work calls and just been appreciative of having someone there even if no one’s talking. 

I talked with someone recently about how I’m self-conscious and I think that everyone thinks I’m dumb because I can never keep up a conversation about ‘intellectual’ stuff, but she made me realize that the closest friendships I value the most have all been based on troll conversations that often lead to nowhere. I do feel like sometimes I do go overboard with saying stupid stuff though and that have affected different conversations that I do want to have with people because I am unable to articulate myself a lot of times, which is something I’m trying to work to improve!!

#eh