#maybe i just find myself jealous of my trans sisters sometimes

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy Readthrough, Part Eleven

All the previous parts can be found here.

Previously

EP goes to Oregon and learns about Permaculture

EP is extremely closeted

EP gets shingles while making Inception

that's it

Now

Chapter Fifteen

EP dates a woman who is very closeted

they have a wonderful, very closeted relationship

eventually they realize it's not going to work out

later EP sees her at a party with a man

the chapter ends with the line Someone will break your heart but you will break one too.

Chapter Sixteen

we jump back to EP's childhood; she asks to be allowed to play soccer with the coed league one extra year, which is granted

"not precisely meaning it" but telling the truth all the same

EP talks abut moving into puberty and hating periods, needing a bra, etc., which I'm sure literally only affected her and has nothing to do with how almost every other teenage girl on the planet feels

two things here: 1) "other boys" sure EP; 2) "euphoria" - using "euphoria" to describe oneself or one's gender did not start when EP was a kid and even so, kids don't think that way about themselves, as "euphoric"... that's a very adult, usually trans, way of looking at things and it's pretentious. Ask me when I've ever felt "euphoric" about my body and I'll probably say playing roller derby or swimming, or maybe running pushing my sister in a 5K, and even then "euphoric" seems far too grand and, again, pretentious, for what I felt. I felt confident, I felt powerful, I felt happy, and those were the words I'd use.

a third thing, I guess - it's distressing to learn that one's body no longer fits clothes one enjoyed, but life sometimes is like that, and one learns that boys and girls can wear shorts, pants, T-shirts, etc. This period of time didn't mean needing to give up wearing certain clothes or to start wearing other clothes. It just meant EP would have to purchase them from the dreaded "girls" section

EP talks about going to a friend's house and being permitted to wear swim trunks as a kid, which she describes in a tone nearly orgasmic

... y'know girls and women can wear swim trunks too, EP? I swim in them.

this regressive "gender is clothes" gets me every time I read this and for some reason I always forget how dumb it is

EP meets a gay man:

you recognized yourself in a gay man? the kind of gay man who's on TV, so a collection of stereotypes? EP, even now you don't act like that, so what were you recognizing in this man?

(also, does this man know you wrote about him this way? I'd hate to find myself written about in this manner by someone I barely knew - "She was the kind of lesbian they showed on TV sometimes. The way she dressed comfortably, the way she didn't shave her legs, the way she talked about flea markets, the way she listened to Julien Baker, the way she moved... a lesbian person, you know, like a normal human woman." Jesus Christ. I'd want the book burned.)

EP goes to a water park with a friend:

EP I swear to all that is good and holy I need you to stop referring to other people as "queers" without their permission. Don't ask me how I know, but I know this person would not want to be referred to as "a queer" in your book. Why the fuck would you do this? And you weren't "a queer" at age nine, you were a girl with short hair.

And yes, once again, women can wear swim trunks and in certain places go around with their chests out. I wear swim trunks and rash guards to swim. Once again, gender is just clothes.

EP goes into how euphoric she is to not have to wear a shirt and how she can wear swim trunks and swim and feel the sun on her body or whatever.

be careful with your scars, sunburns will fuck them up

I will admit here that this part, while so weirdly enraging and confusing like the rest of the book, made me feel unhappy and jealous for a couple of reasons. First is that my own BDD and dysphoria have made it hard to want to look at my own body or feel neutral, let alone euphoric, about it. When I'm swimming I don't care, because my body's in the water and it's doing things, but in general I hate everything around it - getting dressed in the Y locker room, peeling off my heavy, stuck swim clothes afterwards, etc. I am deeply jealous of someone who feels so comfortable in their own skin that way.

Second I'm unhappy because I wonder how things would have turned out if I'd been born just a few years later. I'm too old for a school-age diagnosis of autism, too old for knowing what "lesbian" meant in elementary school, too old for discussions about gender amongst my friends. I don't like to think that I would have been pushed in the direction of "trans'ing my gender" if I was among the youths now, but I don't know who I'd be, either.

I am glad that no matter how much I hate my own body from time to time, I know that no matter how much I change it, I'll still always be me. I'll still always be female. My body is more than the nebulous, unnecessary concept of "gender" - it allows me to do the things I want, to love the people I care about, to show up for work - my body is me. I have time to learn how to love my body for what it is.

This book makes me fucking maudlin.

#ellie's ep posting #pageboy readthrough #radblr #radical feminism #terfs do touch #terfblr #lesbian #gender critical

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

hey :/ i started to realize that i was a trans man around the same time my ex realized he was, too. we came out to each other and he thinks i’m copying him. advice??

Lee says:

We’ve gotten versions of this question from folks on both sides in the past. People have said things like “I came out and then my little sister came out, I think she’s copying my gender/identity and I don’t like it!” and folks who say stuff like “My friend came out and then I came out, and now she thinks I’m copying her gender/identity and I don’t like it!” 

Indeed, it’s common for one person to come out and then another person follows suit! But this doesn't mean that the second person is “faking” their identity and copying the first person because they were jealous of the attention the first person got for coming out.

It’s common for LGBTQ folks to be friends with each other before any of them realize that they’re LGBTQ. Somehow, we just seem to attract each other! And a lot of trans people only start identifying as trans once they learn more about the trans community and spend time interacting with trans people, whether it’s online or IRl, so someone spending time with a trans person and then identifying as trans doesn’t mean that being trans is contagious, or that the person is faking it- it means they just learned more about being trans and realized it fits them too.

Using myself as an example- I had a friend who came out as non-binary, and the next year I came out as non-binary too. I wasn’t “copying” my friend per se. But I wasn’t really aware of being non-binary before that, so them coming out made it something on my radar. It made me realize that being non-binary is something that exists and something that a person can be and choose to identify as.

Seeing them take that path planted that little seed in my mind and eventually (after having folks as me if I was trans) I realized that yeah I’m non-binary too. I came out after they did because they helped me question my own gender which made me realize that I’m also non-binary, so they did influence me in a way, and seeing them come out gave me the courage/inspiration/motivation to come out myself.

Now of course it’s been several years... and I’m still non-binary! And so is my friend! Just because they came out first and I didn’t know I was trans for a while, it didn’t make their gender “realer” than mine is now, or any more valid.

That’s why friends, family members, and partners tend to come out around the same time. The first person comes out, and that makes the second person question their gender because they didn’t know as much about being trans before, and then they come out too. Or maybe both people knew they were trans already, but one person came out which helped lay down the groundwork for the other person to feel comfortable coming out too because they had a better idea of how someone would react. Or both people realized they were trans and came out at the same time independently- that happens too! 

Regardless of how things happened, you both identify as trans and that’s something that needs to be respected. Even if someone was “faking” for some reason and copying someone’s gender, using a different name and pronouns for them until they get tired of it isn’t really going to hurt anyone- and you don’t know if they’re faking, so you should give them the benefit of doubt. Nobody can peer into someone’s head and figure out their gender for them- if someone says that they’re trans, you have to take them at their word because there’s no “Trans Test” that you can take to determine if they’re truly trans. 

You can talk more about why you identify as trans if you want, but you shouldn’t ever feel like you have to “defend” and justify your identity; you don’t need to share more than you feel comfortable sharing. And even if him realizing he was trans had any influence or impact on your realization, it doesn’t mean that you’re copying or any less trans- there’s no shame in that, and it shouldn’t be something you have to hide or pretend isn’t true. 

If you feel like he’s a good friend to you otherwise and you want to invest your emotional energy into trying to maintain a friendship with him, you can tell him you need to have a serious conversation with him and then explain that you genuinely feel that you are a man and you were hurt that he’s accused you of pretending to be trans/faking your gender/copying his gender, and remind him that it’s never okay to misgender you or say something that invalidates your gender identity. 

If he keep saying shitty things after you’ve had a talk with him, then you need to just move on! Stop wasting your time and emotional energy engaging with this guy. Tell him that you can’t be friends with someone who won’t respect your identity and you won’t be spending any more time with him until and unless he changes his behavior.

Then actually do it! Block and unfollow him on social media and block his phone number and delete his contact if you have to. Hang out with different friends instead!

If you have a shared group of friends, make it clear to them that you’re uncomfortable when people misgender and disrespect you. Make sure you tell them what this guy has said to you and how it’s hurt you, then explain that you don’t want them to hold any group get-togethers with this guy because he’s creating a hostile environment for you (or at least tell them not to invite him to events you’ll be at too unless they’re going to take the responsibility of actively calling him out and correcting him).

Personally, I’d advise just blocking/ignoring him and moving on. While some people can be friends with ex-partners, I have the feeling things aren’t going great between the two of you from the connotation of you calling him your “ex” and not your friend. It can be hard to move on (trust me! I know! I never get over things or move on from anything, ever!) but sometimes you have to remind yourself that this person isn’t actually making your life better and you need to take care of yourself and disengage from them.

Breakups and ending relationships/friendships:

How should I end a relationship?

Ending unhealthy relationships

6 steps to ending a toxic relationship with a friend or partner

How to break up gracefully

wikiHow to Break Up

How To Break Up Like a Grown Up

How To Break Up With Somebody In 7 Steps

How To Dump Someone (Like An Actual Adult)

Fire Your Friends: Drop The Negative People In Your Life

6 Ways To Cut A Toxic Friend Out Of Your Life For Good

3 ways to end a toxic friendship

What to do when one of the friends in your friend group is bad to you

After a breakup:

10 Tips on How to Work Through Feelings of Social Isolation

5 ways to beat loneliness

Coping with a relationship breakup

7 phrases to help you get over a breakup

Dealing with a breakup

Help for when a relationship ends

Beyond codependency

It’s okay to be alone

5 things to remember when you still love the emotionally abusive partner you left

5 helpful things when you end a relationship

How the 7 stages of grief apply to breakups

7 ways to cope with post-split stress

How to deal with losing a friend

Letting go of someone who’s not good for you

What if my ex starts outing me as trans?

Followers, any advice for an anon whose ex-partner accuses them of “copying” their gender identity?

Followers say:

lesbean-on-ice said: I don’t really have any advice, but i can really relate to this post. my best friend, who I’ve known since kindergarten, and I started to question our genders around the same time, and we both went through multiple labels to find the right fit for us. she ended up landing on agender, and I thought I was girlflux at the time, but after reading up on the agender label, I realized that was my gender (or lack thereof, lol) as well!

am-anyone said: It can also be gained confidence that causes people to come out at the same time. I knew I was trans and when my friend came out to our friend group it gave me enough confidence to also come out in short succession afterwards. It wasn’t cause of copying but simply I felt less nervous knowing someone had successfully come out already.

#Lee says #faking #copying #trans #friends #Anonymous #transgender #nonbinary #lgbtq #lgbt #transgender teen survival guide #transgenderteensurvivalguide #TTSG

[flying-elliska]

Skam France Season 6 Review

It’s that time, I guess. My feelings are, like many, mixed. I think I enjoyed the season more than most people here, but the ending was a massive let down. Overall it boils down to this : Skam France is great at moments and very bad at structure. A lot of my issues with the season is what is not in it. I saw so much potential that never quite materialized, and it left me frustrated. At the same time, Lola is a really cool character, her arc is really interesting, her relationship with her sister is one of the best things they’ve ever done, and the actors killed it. Loved La Mif, discovering other sides of Eliott, the urbex backgrounds, and Maya. A lot of fascinating character moments. This is definitely my second favorite season after s3 - at times I even thought it would equal it. Sadly, though, Skam France will remain a bit of a one hit wonder for me. Because they are so good at bringing up problems in a nuanced layering way - be it addiction, grief, eating disorders, internalized ableism, racist microagressions - but when it comes to resolving what they brought up, they default towards a ‘let’s all be nice to each other, hug or kiss, love saves the day yay !’ story. Which is, when you claim to deal with real world issues, simplistic, immature, and at times quite offensive. It works for s3, which is at its core a tale of self-discovery, self-acceptance and romance. But niceness doesn’t solve racism, and family problems aren’t solved with a hug, and addiction recovery doesn’t hinge on having someone to kiss, and the series came dangerously close to implying that at times. 

All in all, this is a show that often manages to be both brilliant and terrible at the same time. At least it’s not dull. 

Positives/Negatives/Meh breakdown :

Positives :

- Sisterly love : My favorite thing without a doubt is the relationship between Lola and Daphné. Flavie and Lula killed it. Almost all the clips that made me cry were the ones with the both of them in it. At the beginning their rivalry is so relatable to me : the responsible sibling who takes on too much burdens and is too controlling and parentified vs. the problem sibling who acts out to express the issues the rest of the family are repressing - i have been in both of those spots. you can see how they slowly realize that the gap between them didn’t need to be there, that it wasn’t their fault, that it was the result of their parent’s bullshit and even shittier circumstances. seeing them make little gestures to recognize each other’s pain, to nurture each other, to give each other support, but also to tell each other some unpleasant truths, was so incredibly powerful. Relationships between sisters can be just so...complex, and loving, and petty, and jealous, and supportive, and feral, and annoying, and understanding, and ugh, they made me feel all of that and more. I have a sister, and I have a relationship like that with her, and this season gave me some very important perspectives. Really, relationships between women aren’t explored enough, and this season really did this one thing excellently and if only for that, it deserves to be watched. That moment where Lola talks to Daphné about her self destructive tendencies...so important. I am so happy that Daphné was the one finding Lola in her tower of solitude, and the moment where she says ‘you pay too much attention to what other people think, Lola’ was the emotional turning point of the season for me, because it was Daphné recognizing Lola really cared behind her mask of coldness, but also that she was hurt by that and that she needed to love herself regardless of the love her parents didn’t give her ; and also that she heard Lola saying it to her and that it inspired her too, so there is this amazing reciprocity. It was so powerful, I’m still reeling from it. And it was a beautiful full circle from the beginning of the season. 

- Family of outsiders : the urbex gang was such a wonderful new group this season. It was bound to be tricky getting us to like this new generation, and I think they did a pretty good job. Even tho I wish we got to know them a bit more, they were all intriguing and interesting on their own, and the vibes of Lamif as a whole were just so fun and lovely. Loved the neuroatypical vibes I got from Sekou and Jo. Love that they introduced a trans guy character. Loved Maya as group mom. And seeing them warm up to Lola was really sweet. The social media of them hanging out was more or less the only good social media we got this season lmao. The urbex thing was a great symbol for Lola finding a home with the outcasts, a bit on the fringe of society, and the start of acceptance, of bringing her in from the cold. Maya and Lola’s relationship fit in that really nicely, especially the bits about them talking about their shared experiences of grief, and my favorite scenes with them is showing Lola that her scars can be beautiful and that her rough experiences are part of who she is. The way she didn’t take Lola’s bullshit was great, and even tho I think their relationship was rushed, overall they really fit well together. Love Maya’s character as a concept in general, this funky purple haired lesbian environmentalist with amazing sense of style, and I really hope we see her again in upcoming seasons. And finally, I also really liked Eliott and Lola’s friendship (except for the ending) - the fact that they understand this darkness that they share, but that Eliott has succeded in climbing over it, and so he can give Lola support, understanding, guidance. I loved that we got to hear a bit more of his perspective on mental illness, the good and the bad times, that we saw his passion for movies become more real. I loved the fact that they bonded over creative things and photography, too, and that she found a safe space in the video store. And even tho it wasn’t resolved properly, the scene where he comes to get her and punches Aymeric really made me cry. Also, BASILE. Best bro in law ever. Their scenes together were so homey and warm and sweet. They will have such a good relationship in time. Overall, I really like how central friendship was in this season, shown as so powerful and important. They could have done more with it but I love a lot of what we got. I am just a sucker for found family, man.

- Lola herself : I know she was a controversial character right from the start. She’s been called manipulative, selfish, out of control, toxic. And honestly at times...maybe she was a bit. I still love her. She is just so interesting to me. The lack of compassion towards her in the fandom was seriously depressing at times, and often felt like a symptom of something I’ve seen in a lot of different fandoms, ie the capacity to only tolerate moral ambiguity when it’s attached to attractive white male characters - and to only tolerate mental illness symptoms when they can be romanticized. In the end, she’s a struggling teen from a deeply dysfunctional family who’s had a very rough life, of course she’s not going to be well adjusted. All in all, I think she’s so brave, and she is a fighter. I adored her feral energies in the trailer. I also really liked her blunt honesty at times, even if it was sometimes hurtful and excessive. I think because I have the opposite tendency to be afraid to speak my mind, I really dig a character who isn’t afraid to speak the ugly truth. Even though, again, ‘the truth’ isn’t always cut and clear, and what Lola is often doing instead is listening to ‘depression voice’ who tells her to believe the worst in people. I find that fascinating, because in my experience, yes, depression comes with this terrible lucidity that makes you see through a lot of bullshit but at the same time, is distorting your perspective because of fear and shame, and kicking that, and disentangling your perception from that fatalism, is very complicated. I loved how genuine she was, how mature too sometimes through the pain, more mature than she should have been. It was rough watching her relapse, but I think the portrayal of addiction was pretty very well done overall, not romanticized and explained in a very coherent way. I wish the show had given her a bit more of a clearer view of her inner thoughts towards the end and let her apologize a bit more. And a clearer realisation that her parent’s lack of well expressed love didn’t doom her. But...yeah Following her really made me question my own - more hidden - self destructive impulses, linked to family shit, that pushes me to sabotage and isolate myself. Like Eliott said to her - it’s really a lifelong struggle. I think overall her arc was pretty satisfying, learning to step away from the edge, letting people in, seeing that she isn’t alone, accepting she deserves better and that her failures don’t doom her. That it is about getting up and trying again. Love her using her mother’s camera and wanting to get a phoenix tattoo, a perfect symbol for her. Also Flavie was amazing, she’s got a bright future ahead.

Negatives :

- No follow up to the assault storyline : The thing that I am, without any single doubt, most mad about, is the fact they didn’t bring up the sexual assault again. Along with Charles’ rape apologism, this creates a very dubious pattern of trivializing the issue ‘as long as it’s not real rape’. The fact that the morning after immediately turns to Elu drama is what sort of started my disconnect from the season, and the fact that they don’t bring it up afterwards even once made me angry. I think Lola, before going back to the hospital, should have told someone about the abuse she endured there, and should have told someone about Aymeric, even if only to acknowledge she wants to be done with that part of her life. Aymeric is like...Lola’s biggest villain, in a sense, he is a horrible predator but he also somehow represents her worst impulses, that part of herself that tells her she doesn’t deserve better, and I think that as a character, he was interesting, and he should have been adressed/exorcised better. If Lola was a real person, of course, she would probably have to deal with this in therapy, down the line, later, but as a story, never adressing this again left it unfinished. And this is really the kind of event you NEED catharsis and resolution for. Otherwise, it’s irresponsible.

- A generally overstuffed and disjointed structure : My biggest problems with this season are about what isn’t and what isn’t it. I liked most of the clips, I don’t have an issue with them going dark, strangely enough, but the way they were put together was just...messy. Like many people have said, too much stuff not properly adressed. Palm of most annoyingly useless subplot, the whole Tiff thing. Yes, it was cool comparing her clique to Lamifex and Lola realizing she wants nothing to do with those shallow fake bitches. Sekou hacking her account to replace it with pigeons, amazing. After that though, it should have been DONE, and in general, it should have taken a lot less time and attention. Comparing Tiff’s social media addiction to Lola’s issues felt like some trivializing bullshit. The whole thing was just so annoying. It would have been good if it had led to some discussion of social inequality but like...not this shit. Char, equally useless (although, cool actress, cool style). Another MASSIVE problem is the lack of follow through on big clips. A great thing about SKAM, usually, is that it shows you the aftermath of big moments - characters lying in bed, cuddling, talk to their friends, crying in the shower, etc. It allows the viewer to breathe and really get into the character’s perspective, to be comforted and process drama, and for the emotions to resonate better, to have space to develop richly. Here...we had Lola brush off her assault, we saw nothing after Daphné got her back from the tower thinking she could have killed herself, we learned that they had money problems and the father didn’t go to work and then that was never adressed again and the light was turned back on by magic (????), we saw Eliott go on a major bender and didn’t really see how he got better, etc. Big lack of introspective clips in the latter part of the season took me out of Lola’s head. It was all stressful and breathless, all intensity and no pause like one grating high pitch note instead of music, it felt oppressive, with poor contrast, and very badly paced. It made everything blur together and feel less relevant. The problem with that is it really takes you out of the story ; it’s hard to care when you know whatever is happening might not have a resolution, and it doesn’t put you in the shoes of the character. This was compounded by how mediocre the social media was, when it is usually used to bridge in the gaps. And then to finish : the structure was so uneven, especially in the second part of the season. Towards the middle we had some very short episodes with very underwhelming endings, and Vendredis that felt like non events, and there wasn’t a lot happening - and then, bam, ep 9, drama overload, almost like misery p*rn, and then a super rushed resolution in ep 10. Like they cared more about twists and giving the opposite of what was expected instead of solid coherent narrative and rhythm. The romantic back and forth felt repetitive as hell too. All in all, it made for a very unsatisfying live watching experience, pretty sure anyone who didn’t watch live would like it a lot more. 

- The last two episodes : Really, I could have overlooked all the problems with the season if they had given us a good ending, but...they really really didn’t. And contrasted with last season, where my problems were focused on the middle, for me the ending is really the worst part of this season. I didn’t dislike the controversial club clips, I liked having the insight into Eliott’s insecurities, but they should never have brought those up if they weren’t going to let him adress them properly. Having everything go to shit in Lola’s life at once felt like overkill - they really should have solved those problems earlier, and then dealt with a few ones properly, showed us Lola freaking out on her own, and taken out the bullshit at the high school. Thierry slapping her was also too much, he could just have said these clumsy things. She could have distanced herself from Maya instead of pushing her away again. Also, they really should have had this happen in episode 8 again, and given us a proper resolution. While the tower sequence was incredibly powerful, I pretty much liked nothing after that. It was so annoying that Eliott brushed off Lola’s apology because while he wasn’t wrong that he decided to get drunk himself, she still needed to apologize and actually state that she wanted to get better so she didn’t hurt her friends, so as a resolution it was very mediocre. Thierry recognizing they should have given Lola the choice to go the hospital was a step but really not enough. And the moments with Maya were cute sure but mostly cheesy and unearned. Same for the ending clip. Mostly it’s such an unsatisfying farewell to the old generation, and it really feels like they wanted us to force to move on - didn’t want to properly recognize the end of an era, gave us almost nothing about their BAC or their future plans, etc etc. Also, letting Charles talk and having Arthur and Alexia kiss again ? SO BAD. UGH. I will be forever disappointed they didn’t give us a Multi POV or at least sth better on social media. And not having Eliott’s POV or at least a real Elu conversation (pretty much all season...) so frustrating I will never not be bitter about that. So yeah. The season started so powerfully but went out with a whimper instead of a bang. That whole ‘romantic love solves everything!!!’ shtick...very undercooked tbh. 

Meh : 

- Mayla’s development : I wanted to stan them SO BAD. Like, wlw in skam (that doesn’t turn into a panphobic mess?) YES, all the way yes. Maya and Lola had great chemistry, great dynamic. I loved their first few clips, the kind of confrontational flirting, the boldness, it was like...damn girls ! we love a non useless lesbian ! But...somewhere along the way, their relationship really suffered from the wacky plot structure. They should have shown us more bonding before we got to the angsting (esp during first urbex night). Also, their first kiss was sweet but I hated the ‘you’re my addiction’ line and that kind of put a damper on it. I liked the scenes where they open up about difficult things, the love Maya showed to Lola’s scars, the dandelion symbolism was lovely, but it wasn’t balanced enough with other stuff, and I felt Maya was way too stoic at times. And I really, really didn’t like the ending, honestly. They kept a good balance all season showing Lola wasn’t relying entirely on romantic love, that her family and friends were also important - but saying ‘i’m okay as long as you’re here’ at the end...honestly that sounds unhealthy and codependent as fuck. I really wish they’d done a more subtle, taking it slow ending for them.

- The financial issues : Again a storyline with much potential that wasn’t dealt with properly. It’s really good that we got a main that wasn’t from an economically priviledged background. Especially it felt very relevant to Daphné’s storyline, with the shame she felt at her friends seeing her place, the pressure to make it work, tying into her ED, etc etc. But cutting off the power, the father not working going nowhere...it’s like the plotline meandered and then vanished into thin air. Instead of that, they could have given us a scene of Daphné freaking out over the bills like in OG w Vilde, keeping the focus on her for that plot because she’s the most affected ; and then in the end of the season the father taking them over from her and telling her he’s found another job and that those things shouldn’t be her responsibility. That would have been relevant, instead of just...a loose end.

- Family issues : The Lecomte family dynamic seemed fascinating to me at the start. The mom being this shadowy complicated figure. The inability of the father to deal with anything. Daphné being parentified, Lola becoming the symptom child. They could have done a lot with this, but in the end, it felt like it was brushed aside too easily by saying the mom sent letters so she wasn’t too bad and Thierry is making breakfast so he’s trying. Not enough. I wanted them to let Lola acknowledge she deserved better and that their parent’s crap wasn’t on her. That her mom should have looked for help and the other two shouldn’t have pretended everything was okay. In general, there is way too much pressure to overlook toxic parent behavior and I wish they’d been clearer about this. 

- Mental health portrayal : Some parts of it were really good. Showing Daphné’s ED, letting Eliott talk about his episodes and relapses, showing some of the dark sides of depression and addiction. They just needed to show more of the recovery, because that is often the representation that they lacked the most. I don’t blame them for showing the bad sides of the mental healhcare system (which is terribly outdated and dysfunctional in France, I’m speaking from experience) but they should have shown the good too. Like do they find recovery boring or something ? Because as a person w MI, that’s actually what I’m dying to see, and they’ve been a real letdown in that department. I also think they should have acknowledged that the Lecomte family has mental issues as a whole, that the mother should have gotten help, and the father probably needs it too (still think they should have gone to therapy as a group lol).

- Elu and Eliott’s development : Honestly, not a big fan of how they wrote Lucas in s5&s6, in a lot of clips he was the angry guy with a temper, I miss s4 Lucas who was so compassionate and showed real growth and emotional intelligence. Here it just felt like they were fitting his character to plot needs, and it’s so sad for a character who had such an amazing story development. Now, I loved the glimpses of domestic Elu we got, how Axel and Maxence really showed the intimacy that had grown between them, they really felt married with all the nonverbal conversations and touches, that was sweet. But it’s so annoying that they hinted at Lucas’s insecurities and Eliott’s lack of communications and just brushed it away with ‘oh they love each other they will be okay’ sure bitch but then show us how ? that’s the interesting stuff ? it really feels sometimes like the writer(s) didn’t like how strongly the fans focused on the romance when they wanted to be talking about MATURE dark stuff not that frilly fluffy romance shit *eyeroll* male writers who think they’re above that stuff is so annoying as is the conflating of dark and mature - anyway. Again I liked seeing Eliott in his element this season, he is really thriving, with his movie and the video store, and that made me very happy. I don’t think it’s unrealistic he didn’t make a lot of friends in uni - French university can be so isolating, there isn’t a campus or a vibrant social life like in the US, it’s a very common experience to feel lost and isolated for newbies and it was also my case - but ? Sofiane ? Idriss ??? They could have found a better excuse to implicate Lamifex in the movie making tbh, like Jo egging him on about her passion for directing or whatever, and Sofiane could have been there chilling with them it would have been so cool. I just wish Eliott would have had more of an arc like Daphné did. It wouldn’t have taken much, and since he is my favorite character, I will never not be disappointed at all the wasted potential. 

Yeah so in the end i think this was a very good story they didn’t entirely give themselves the right storytelling tools to tell. Like there is something in the way they prioritize certain moments over others that...I just find very frustrating and weird. So...flawed, but still very interesting overall.

#skam france #skamfr s6 #lola lecomte #mayla

[comicteaparty]

February 17th-February 23rd, 2020 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from February 17th, 2020 to February 23rd, 2020.  The chat focused on Crossed Wires by Iris Jay.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Crossed Wires by Iris Jay~! (http://crossedwires.irisjay.net/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace until February 23rd, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Discussions are freeform, but we do offer discussion prompts in the pins for those who’d like to have them. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic!

Whether you finish the comic or can only read a few pages, everyone is welcome to join and chat with us!

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 1

1. What did you like about the beginning of the comic?

2. What has been your favorite moment in the comic (so far)?

3. Who is your favorite character?

4. Which characters do like seeing interact the most?

5. What is something you like about the art? If you have a favorite illustration, please share it!

6. What is a theme you like that the comic explores?

7. What do you like about the comic’s story or overall related content?

8. Overall, what do you think the comic’s strengths are?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

Alex_makes_comics

Just started on this comic. It's highly addictive. The art is super expressive ( I am always really jealous of people who can use dot shading effectively), and the story is fast paced. It keeps you turning pages. I did not see the twist of the vr helmet coming at all and I love that. I love thinking I am reading one thing and then finding out I am reading something else. It suddenly made the character design choice of having a dragon samurai as the MC so much more understandable. This choice was fun to begin with, but it so much more perfect when you realise it's an avatar. I'm only on page 25 and I have to get back to work,so it's early days yet for a favourite character. So far, I'm just annoyed at all the characters for talking in class

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I made it through the comic, and it was a really fun read! I like how the mechanics of the universe embellish the concept of hacking without... making it "unrealistic"? Like, I often see hacking portrayed in media as just typing gibberish code and saying "i'm in", which is generally pretty silly. What Crossed Wires does is turns hacking into essentially real-world heists, where you need disguises and acting and people watching your back. Sword fights aside, that's actually way closer to how hacking actually works (like, it's easier to get someone to tell you their password than to crack the password database). My absolute favorite example of this is the ending of Chapter 02 (which is also my favorite scene of the comic). Michael has been built up as this absolute dirtbag, and the number of creeps he somehow has following him has made him nigh-unbeatable. I'm not going to spoil exactly how the gang gets to him in the end, but watching him get beaten down was one of the most satisfying things I've ever seen in a comic.

RebelVampire

I agree that story wise, the way it handles hacking is really unique. Which tbf to TV, real hacking is generally actually very boring. And as @snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) says, there's actually easier ways like just getting someone to tell you their password that are way easier. In real life, even, the first thing companies who are hired to test another company's security do is just show up in person and try to trick their way past people. People are really the worst enemy of all security. But anyway, even though it's a bit weird, I definitely think turning hacking into this real life VR experience is unique while capturing the real life flaws that humans create for security ventures. I also like that the beginning really just starts right up with this premise without taking like 20 pages to exposition. Just gotta accept a fighting dragon, which works really well in this case.(edited)

My favorite moment in the comic so far is actually probably the one morning chat between Cass and VRRMN where they have a serious talk about their relationship and the future. I actually like that their relationship is built on the point that sorry isn't enough, and that while you can see VRRMN's sincerity, you can also justifiably see why Cass isn't going to forgive so easily. And it was just a very real and heart breaking scene since no matter the direction,, nobody was going to be happy. Which tbf, I also like this scene because Cass is my favorite character. I like that Cass is a smidgen more down to earth than some of the other characters so far, and I really like this dilemma where Cass wants to leave hacking, but keeps coming back. Plus Cass is cool and badass, so there's that too.

Ironically, though, I think I like seeing Cass and Alan interact the most. I like this kind of...brother sister relationship they have going on where Cass just wants to protect Alan who is way too eager to get over his head. So all their interactions are super cute

But lets chat about art for a second. I really like that the art style in this is like this interesting mix between modern and cyberpunk. When it comes to stories where you have VR or similar involved, there's a lot of directions to go. Some just use the same art style throughout, some drastically change it, etc. It all depends on what is being sold to the reader in terms of setting. What I like about the art, though, is that despite it really doesn't change much, I'm sold on both the modern real world and the cyberpunk sort of feel I get from the world of the hackers. I always feel like both aspects are unique and have a lot of character, which I don't find in a lot of other similar comics

Iris Jay

Iris Jay here, author of Crossed Wires! Thanks for the rad comments so far, it means a lot that y'all are reading my weird queer hacker comic. <3

And I'm glad you dig the worldbuilding!! XW originally started as a Hackers fan comic, and I wanted to capture the same general feeling of it-- a cyberpunk story that wasn't happening in some neon-lit future, but now, the present, albeit with slightly better graphics capabilities. (Of course, with VR technology rapidly catching up, it's probably going to be historical fiction by the time I'm done with the series, buuuuut what're ya gonna do...)

Cass gets a LOT of cool stuff coming up very soon in the comic. I'm super excited to show y'all where the story goes next!

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Oh, one other thing I love - I really like how both of the main protagonists are trans. Like I really think it adds some interesting parallels and theming to the story - these are both characters who felt rejected by the world, they went into VR for escapism and for avatars that portrayed who they really were. And I'm interested to see how the theme of a person's VR avatar being very closely tied to their identity is explored further in this chapter (I'm guessing it will be, particularly with regards to Cass).

sagaholmgaard

Im only about 30 pages in but I dig the style difference between the digital world and the dots for shading, and the real world with the greyscale shading. It's really cool. And the use of big areas that are colored black!! Love that kinda stuff, want to get better at using that myself!

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 2

9. What exactly is the Amphisbaena Project and how does it work in a way that it physically affects a person? What is the goal of the people who revived it, and who revived the project in the first place?

10. Do you think Cass will ever forgive Vrrmn/Theresa for the events that happened between them in the past? Can their relationship be repaired, and how will their soured relationship affect their separate relationships with Alan?

11. Do you personally believe in the hackers’ mission in exposing wrongdoing despite it being illegal? In general, what do you think the story has to teach us about standing up for both ourselves and for society?

12. Overall, how do you think the events of the story will change Alan, his relationships with others, and his pursuits of hacking? How will the other characters change and grow as people over the course of their adventures?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

RebelVampire

I feel like the Amphisbaena Project maybe started as like an anti-hacker measure. Since it's not like hackers are doing legal things, so it walks that ethical grey line of what is and isn't ok to do to law breakers. Like, if someone is invading your home, is it fine to shoot them. But now I think the people who revived it (which I have no guesses as to who yet), are using it to eliminate business rivals. Cause that sounds like something a corporation would do. As for how it works, I think it's just a simple matter of information overload to the brain, just on like...a brain-breaking level. Which this leads me into the moral quandry of, do I believe in the hackers mission. The short answer is no, because personally speaking I don't believe breaking the law is good in most cases, and often wrongdoing taints the results. However, I also emotionally understand why people would do this. The characters have made their personal mission sort of clear, and that makes me empathize with their plight. So all in all, I feel the story teaches us that standing up for yourself and society isn't easy. Whether it's an emotional or physical hardship, there are sacrifices and sometimes, you just gotta be ok with that.

Let me move onto character growth. I don't feel Cass will ever forgive Vrrmn, but I do think Cass will move past it to the level of being cordial. And I think Alan will be a big part of that, since both seem nice enough to not want to put Alan in the middle of their personal issues. So while the relationship will never be what it was, they'll probably be able to say How are you without Cass sneering. XD As for Alan, I kind of feel that the story will teach Alan more humility. We've already seen quite a bit of this, but I think his overwhelming confidence could still be more tempered as the story goes on. Not just because Alan will face strong people, but with more experience comes more wisdom. So at the end, Alan will be able to recognize that those boasted skills in the past weren't so great. As for other characters, I feel like I need to know them more before I can say.

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 3

13. What are you most looking forward to seeing in regards to the comic?

14. Any final words of encouragement for the comic?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

RebelVampire

What I'm most looking forward to in the comic is probably just seeing more of Cass. I'm interested to see where Cass goes both emotional and physically as the hacking world begins to change somewhat do to the events of the story. Overall, this is a stylistically interesting comic that covers a lot of ground with lots of interesting visuals that complement the story well.

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Crossed Wires this week! Please also give a special thank you to Iris Jay for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Crossed Wires, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://crossedwires.irisjay.net/

Iris’ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/irisjay

Iris’ Shop: https://shop.itsnero.com/

Iris’ Twitter: https://twitter.com/irisjaycomics

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #ctp #crossed wires #iris jay

[fire-type-caracal]

Reasons I Might Be Trans

Warning: I talk about my sexuality in this post, including bedroom activities. (I don’t normally discuss those things online.) If you are related to me or don't want to know things like that about me, turn away now. Thanks.

I don't think I'm 100% a cis woman. But I hate thinking of myself as trans, because I largely think of the pain that I see trans people go through when I think of applying that label to myself. As I'm living right now, as someone who looks like a married straight woman with a masculine clothing sensibility to average onlookers, I don't have to worry about gendered violence against my perceived gender variance. The worst I might get is an assumption that I'm a lesbian, because of my short hair and masculine clothes, but since it’s so infrequent an occurrence in my life, that's not on the same level of badness as being denied a job because I don't resemble my pronoun enough to a prejudiced boss. Or to being threatened or attacked when on a date with my S.O - who right now, is a cis man. (I’m poly, but I only have one partner right now.) My transness would feel fake - unearned - if it was real. Since I also don't have problems with the AFAB-accessory of the female pronouns, I have to look closer at my life for  more subtle clues scattered through it, to determine whether or not I am genderqueer - specifically, genderfluid: 

Reasons I might be trans: 

I got a thrill when I was mistaken for a man in public     once.

I've done 3 Halloween costumes representing pop culture     figures that I really cared about. Two of them were men. (During the     Beetlejuice/Lydia costume when I was Lydia, I was jealous of my parenter     for being in the better costume. So I won't count it.)

My steampunk costume was male.

Many of my sexual fantasies involve playing a male     role. 

I exclusively watched male - male porn for most of my     porn watching life. I only started watching male - female and female -     female after I developed a stronger attraction to women recently.

I feel a weird kinship with gay men. I used to joke     about probably having been one in a past life. (I now think that it is     because I want to be one.)

I asked a gay man about whether or not I would be     accepted as a man if I transitioned, and still only dated men, 10     years ago. I buried that idea as silly and foolish after I decided that it     would be easier to find a straight partner than to first transition     and then to find an accepting male partner. (That's a normal,     totally cis thing to wonder, right?) I didn't know at the time     that medically transitioning wasn't necessary to be trans.

Most of my fashion icons are men.

I accept and respond to     "he"/"him"/"dude"/"son"/"brother"

I have had a few changed gender dreams 

At work, I panic about accidentally walking into     the men's room when the women's restroom is painted the same     color as the men's . Would a cis person panic about that? Almost every     time?

My ideal wedding outfit is a tux, not a dress 

I have considered and rejected getting my upper lip     hair electrically removed "in case I really need those hairs some     day" (What kind of 'some day' would that be, I think to my dumb     self??) 

Reasons I might not be trans 

I accept and respond to     "she"/"her"/"woman"/"daughter"/"sister"/"mommy"     (when referring to my cat, I’m not a parent.)

I reject "daddy" when referred to as that re:     my cat 

I have no desire to permanently remove my breasts or to     change the shape of my genitals

I use the woman's room without worrying about looking     wrong for it 

I like dresses and makeup sometimes - makeup, more.

I could just be a slightly butch bi/pan woman with a     penis fetish and a love for male fashion and an acceptance of male     pronouns. That is a normal thing to be and not genderqueer at all, right?

Some of the things on the "not trans" list don't invalidate gender fluidity. So. Here I am, now, suspecting that it might be a thing, maybe. 

#trans #transgender #genderfluid #genderqueer

[fatalism-and-villainy]

gender:

so, funny story. back in 2014, when my blog was pretty new (but i’d been lurking on other people’s blogs for like a year before joining tumblr), I made some ~relatable nonbinary feel~ personal post. (I can’t find this post now, and don’t want to dig too deep into my embarrassing four-year-old posts). And my memory is kind of disjointed regarding the circumstances of making that post - I must have known I was nonbinary before that? maybe even had a conversation with my sister about it, because I specifically remember telling her? but I don’t remember the moment I actually realized that I was nonbinary. In my memory, I “started” being nonbinary, my gender was reified, by making that post.

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of trans people (specifically of the trans men, transmasculine, etc. variety) talking about Clueless, Obviously Trans moments they had before they had that Realization. And they’re all about men and maleness, wanting to be boys, wanting a penis, etc, in ways that align very clearly and uncomplicatedly with masculinity (even from nonbinary people). And I don’t think my experiences fit into that slot at all. 

The thing is, when I was very young (I’m talking grades K-3), I was actually very feminine. In kindergarten, I wore dresses every day. My mother wouldn’t let me have long hair because I was too young to take care of it myself, but I remember being so jealous of other girls’ long hair. Throughout my childhood most of the creative stories I wrote were about girls. I was big into “girl power,” antagonistic gender jokes, etc. Pretty much all of my "self insert” characters in my daydream scenarios were girls (though many of them were based off of male characters whom I changed to girls so I could be them, which could be read either way lmao). 

But on the other hand? Despite my secret fascination with makeup and such, I was VERY against enforced femininity. I identified as a “tomboy” on various occasions. I strongly rejected romance and romantic expectations (because, duh, aromantic, but that feels very connected to gendered expectations for women). I fantasized about being accepted into male friend groups as “one of the guys” and entirely through high school was saddened that I could never make this happen. I started reading feminist blogs in high school, and despite finding them interesting and informative and feeling angry about the injustices chronicled on them, I felt somewhat removed from what they described, never thinking to apply it to myself, and knowing somehow that I wasn’t the kind of “woman” they were talking about. 

Thus, (some of) the conflicting evidence on whether or not I was comfortable being a girl (that I mentioned in my post about “born this way” rhetoric.) There’s certainly room for argument that I wasn’t happy as a girl, but I didn’t have this urgent need to drop that identity. 

And yet, thinking back, none of this related at all to whether or not I wanted to be a boy. I never fantasized about being a boy, thought that life would be better if I should be a boy, etc. I never wanted my genitalia to be different. I never saw two men kissing and thought, “that should be me.” (Fuck knows I’m there now, but I wasn’t back around the first time I was first accessing gay content and stuff.) Like, any kind of identification I have with “masculinity” now is something that I’ve cultivated as a result of actively exploring my gender, and I still don’t want to “be” a man (I have sometimes longed for a body type commonly seen as “male” while being nonbinary, if only for more visible communication that I am, in fact, trying to fuck with gender, tyvm, but I have very little desire atm to take horomones to achieve this kind of body.) 

All this is to say - I kind of am that strawman transm.edicalists talk about who “only realized they were trans because of tumblr”. And if you wanted to twist and contort everything I’ve said here into “just a girl uncomfortable with gender roles,” you could, but that would be ignoring how incredibly good and right nonbinary identity feels to me right now, and how wrong and restrictive identifying or actively living as a woman feels. Because I really do feel as though I’ve fundamentally changed, a lot, from the person I was as a child, and it’s not an existence I want to go back to. 

I don’t have an entirely coherent conclusion to this, except that - it’s really weird, just on a personal level, that I’m suddenly seeing so many other nonbinary people sharing narratives that don’t match up at all to my own history, and it’s got me thinking about how weird and varied and arbitrary identity really is. And I think it’s great to circulate stuff like that, but “stop invalidating my identity because I spent [x] childhood years suffering because of my gender identity” has merit as an argument, but history shouldn’t be the sole basis of respect and acknowledgment. We have to accept and celebrate what existence people are living out in the now, without necessarily needing to draw a coherent narrative line throughout their life.

#fuck narratives! fuck socialization! etc etc etc. #alpha's adventures with gender #gender fuckery #i have..... stuff to say about dysphoria also but that's an entirely separate post of worms

[serpicojones]

Letter to My Grandma

I wrote the following a longtime back on here and then I never posted it.  I am working on a new essay and I noticed this now.  There are some things about this letter that have evolved for me.  For instance, in the letter I refer to my pronouns as They/Them/Their and while I am generally still fine with these pronouns, I now also use She/Her/Hers.  I think that my perspective on presentation is changing some (even while genderqueer still feels like an accurate term even as I also accept trans woman), but all of the details included in this letter were very truthful to the moment that I wrote it.  I hope you can enjoy it and maybe learn a little about me as well as my particular experience with my gender and identity:

Dear Grandma,

I hope that this letter finds you well!  I thought this would be an interesting way to communicate with you.  Perhaps you would like to write or have my mother write a letter back to me.  I am writing to you rather than calling because of the importance of the content of this letter and I wanted to make sure that it was all communicated clearly.  As you know, sometimes communication over the phone can be challenging and I didn't want you to miss anything or feel like you missed anything!

All of my life, my relationship with you has been very important to me.  You have always been a great person to talk about anything in the world with!  My sister and parents are happy to listen to what I have to say about serious world stuff because they love me, but sometimes I've gotten the feeling that they are often just humoring me :-D.  When we have talked it has been different.  I think something that we share has been an overwhelming curiosity about the world.  And nothing has ever been off limits.  I feel sad that in the last few years, we've been unable to spend more time together because of where I live and how often I come to New York.  I'm sorry about that.  Some of the major ambivalent feelings I have about living across the country are cause I wish I could spend more time with you!

So anyway, I'm also sorry if I've been unable to keep you 100% abreast about what is going on in my life.  I appreciate that my mom shares with you a lot of my goings on.  I love you very much and so I really want you to know what's what.  Maybe we can be pen pals!  So let me share a little something with you that I would be happy to talk to you about in depth.  Perhaps you would like to call me or write me questions in the form of a letter.  That is absolutely welcome.

So here it goes...

I will start from the beginning of my pathway of discovery and fill in the details as I go along.

WYOMING

The sad truth about when I moved to Wyoming is well represented in this quote from Moby Dick:

"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can."

I was running from something.  Everything in my life seemed like it had the potential to be a happy one, minus the tough economy for finding work, and yet, I was almost desperately unhappy.  Something was clearly not right and I was restless about it.  I allowed for myself that it was my job prospects that kept me so unhappy, but it definitely felt deeper than that.  Perhaps it also seemed my inability to deal with my own sexuality and relationships, but this was a bit under the surface--deliberately ignored by my conscious mind. I needed to get away from it all and Wyoming was my Pequod.

Accepting a job in Wyoming, a place I'd never been and could barely even imagine was a perfect experience for me.  And for awhile, I was way happier!  I was working on a creative job where people respected me, massaged my ego constantly, in a place that was foreign to me: ripe for discovery and exploration. In addition, after acquiring my own apartment, it was also a new sort of opportunity for me; it was one in which I could experience isolation and solitude.  There were fewer pressures from the outside world in my 2 bedroom 2 floor apartment all to myself.

And so truthfully, I was surprised and shocked that the restlessness was still there even when so much in my life had been transformed.  I was a different person in Wyoming.  I was the easterner city "boy" that everyone marveled at.  There was no pressure from my parents, no pressure from school, no pressure from friends.  Work contained only pressures that I felt confident that I could deal with.  So why was I feeling so restless that I would abandon my apartment in the middle of the night to stare at the star filled high desert sky?

Being truly alone with myself in a post-school, post-future world was devastating.  I call it post-future, because up until that point in my life, I had always held out hope that things would be better in the future.  I had markers of time and progress like tests and grades and watermarks like getting bar mitzvah-ed, graduating high school, etc.

Without those watermarks, suddenly I realized how incredibly long a lifetime is.  As a kid, I could ignore my feelings with the expectation of a greater future and no concept of time in a life beyond childhood and adolescence.  All time could be filled with distractions, mixed with endless hopes and dreams for the future, made safe by a loving family.

Alone with myself for the first time, I could feel the pain that I had been masking in my soul and had refused to face.  AND for the first time, I decided that ignoring the problem as I had tried to do for so long, was MAYBE a satisfactory way to live my short life up until that point, but in the larger scheme of things was immensely painful.  The prospect of living with that masked personal discontent unexamined for up to 60-70 more years if I lived a full life was a daunting and unbearable.  And so finally, I looked inward.

Previous to this moment at subconscious and conscious intervals, a part of myself was always judging every action I did and every feeling I had.  According to this voice in my head, something was wrong with me.

And so, I stopped judging for the first time.  What was actually going on in my head?  Well to start with, my problem that had no name related to my sexuality among other things, but it wasn't purely about my sexuality.  Much of it related to how I saw myself in relation to others socially. SELF-EXAMINATION

The sun rose on a clear September day in Cody, WY.  I heard my neighbor's horse whinny, and quietly I reflected that I had actually never had a single sexual fantasy that involved myself as a man.  Many of them simply involved that act of turning into a woman and imagining masturbating or making a sexy video for the male version of myself.  

Sometimes, the fantasies wouldn't even be sexual in nature.  They would involve finding myself unexpectedly changed into a women and going into work the next day, trying to deal with the consequences or finding that everyone had already interacted with me as a woman, known me as a woman and this was an alternate reality that I would have to adjust to.  Even this, I found titillating for the sexually repressed person that I was.

In elementary school, it was incredibly important to myself internally that I was different from the other kids.  I didn't mind being different!  I craved it.  I loved it, but first and for most, I KNEW IT.  Different how?

I didn't exactly know, but I definitely didn't like to be categorized.  I wanted other people to know it also and it hurt when they didn't.  My worst fear was that I was wrong about myself and I was the same as everybody else.  This was before I learned that being different in the ways that I was was a problem. I couldn't really put my finger on it at the time.  The reason as I can surmise was that I couldn't get out of my own point of view.  Gender was a made up category that made a simple distinction between body parts.  I assumed that everyone basically knew what I did.  Boys and girls were literally the same asides from this one almost taxonomical difference. I was interest in the difference as one of my earlier elementary school memories was when I asked my mother with fascination and obsessive interest what my name would have been if I had been born a girl.  She told me Jillian and I held onto this memory all the way up to my days in Cody.  I was regularly jealous of my sister for some minor gender related reasons that seemed normal, and I also admired and loved her so much so I would let them go!

The ways that I was different became a problem in middle school when all of the kids started acting differently and as puberty set in.  Puberty and the ways that kids began to socialize were super confusing to me!

Everyone else was in on a secret that I had never been privy.  Boys and girls started acting in crazy ways that made no sense to me.  All of the boys, even the shy ones started being sorta goofier about girls.  Most boys were acting on feelings of attraction to girls, even if that only meant by just sharing their thoughts and acting a stupid way with each other.

I didn't understand.  I didn't get the big deal over the difference between boys and girls.  Most boys were acting in ways that I didn't like and wanted no part in.  Truthfully, they were mostly doing stuff that made me not really want to be friends with them anymore.  I wanted to have friends.  Friends were important to me, but the ways in which guys started behaving made me uncomfortable to be around them a lot of the time.  I regularly made exceptions, but was definitely confused and extremely stressed by these developments and in these environments.

Meanwhile, I had (what I felt like was a weird) obsession over girls.  There was some sexual attraction as I started developing sexually later in middle school, but the attraction was always mixed with a sort of envy.  This envy made NO SENSE to me.  I was so confused!  Did other boys have this envy?  They probably didn't?  They didn't seem to have the same feelings I did but maybe I simply hadn't sexually matured as far as they had.  This is when I learned that my ways of being different were a problem, but I would often credit this feeling to not going through puberty as quickly as other people my age.  They were simply better at it than I was.  As I would get older, I would figure it out like they had and get over whatever things I was feeling.

It is around the end of middle school that I was realizing that feeling more explicit sexual desire (often, but not only for girls), was no cure to my discomfort around most boys and girls, sexually and socially.

I did a little self-examination and tried to be open with myself at this early date.  I looked at the few options I had been aware of for things that would make me different.  Was I gay?  This definitely didn't seem entirely correct and men did occasionally enter into my fantasies, but there simply was always women there too.  In these situations, I would be a woman in the scenario.  Was I bisexual?  This I decided was possible.  It seemed to make sense that since I was clearly in my head attracted to women, I couldn't be gay, so I must have been bisexual!  My homophobic young mind determined that while it was ok to be gay, I would pretend that I was straight (which is something that I think a lot of bi kids go through).

I had very little concept of what it meant to be transgender.  The only thing that I was aware of in relation to transgender identities was these joke tv shows Maury Povitch or Jerry Springer where transexual women would come onto the show and be this scandalous crazy person character.  These people thought they were something they weren't and that was that and women were attracted to men, so transexual women had to be attracted to men.

One night after watching one of these shows I had a dream that I was a woman (and this wasn't uncommon usually accompanied by euphoria) and I woke up with what must have been the most clarity about the issue of my youth.  I had a fantasy or follow-up dream (I can't remember which) that I told this to the therapist I was seeing and their response to me was, "Did you ever consider for a second that you are one?  You are a woman?" I freaked out and thought about that show with fear, disgust and (I guess self-hatred) that I--this wasn't real.  I couldn't be a woman because of my body parts and life as a trans woman seemed to be fucking awful on those shows, and being sexually attracted to women the trans women were usually "ugly" in my minds eye.

I never told my therapist and this thought was basically pushed down into my mind until I considered it yet again in Wyoming.

The thing that remained constant as I grew and developed into a young "man" was how envious I was of girls and women.  What they had, I could never have!  I looked in the mirror with a sort of disgust at what I looked like, simply feeling unattractive and embarrassed by any body part or hair that made me look like a man.  I regularly wished I could have been a girl in an abstract way (not a concrete one), but mostly tried to focus on other stuff, dreams for the future.  I felt that when I finally had sex with a woman, I would get it what sexuality was supposed to be about as a "boy" who WAS attracted to girls.

I didn't masturbate or have any sexual encounters with people until my sophomore year of college and part of the reason for this was my overall discomfort.  I had a gigantic crush on the girl that I went to prom with and late that night had the chance to push things further and the more intimate things got, the more my sexual feelings were turned off.  Basically my relationship to my own sexuality was in itself a turnoff.  My relationship with the sexual body part that I have been bestowed was itself a complicated and confused one.  Anytime sexuality became concrete, there was a seemingly unbridgeable gap between what I had and what I needed to make things feel right and stay aroused or feel pleasure.

In my bedroom in the town of 10,000 people in the middle of a sage brush steppe up to the Rocky Mountains, I considered the way that girls had ALWAYS made me feel by including me in a category of men.  I felt literally miserable.  When feminists used to use gender exclusionary language before a wider feminist movement became inclusive of transgender identities, I was restricted and not allowed, alloft without a place to fit in--only a category assigned to me MEN by these trans exclusionary feminists.  But then, I remembered the feeling of a visit I had to Los Angeles where I met my feminist friends possibly for the first time since they had been awakened to their "radical" feminist ideology and I learned about the space for trans identities (fairly recently added to their playbook This was 2012).  I remembered how free I felt among these folks to not be a guy and just to be me.

In the context of all of this, I searched the internet and found out what people said about my fantasies.  I found some very transphobic literature as it was designated as a disorder by the diagnostic and statistic manual created by the American Psychiatric Association and I found some less transphobic content as well.

I learned that transgender identities actually cross a wide range of possibilities and I learned the difference between sexuality and gender essentially for the first time.  I learned transgender folks sometimes identified in between what was called society's gender binary between men and women.  In addition, they had all different types of sexual attractions separate from and within these identities.

I immediately realized that cis gender (what is used to refer to people whose genders assigned at birth agree with the way that they feel), definitely didn’t apply to me.

I took immediately to an identity that I found mentioned called genderqueer.  People choose this word for all types of personal identification reasons.  The attractive part was that it felt like it was between masculine and feminine. Ever since that morning in Wyoming, I have been exploring and developing these thoughts.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions.

I really moved out to Los Angeles because I wanted to be near those feminist friends that I had.  I needed some space from my parents and my family and my long and storied history painfully thinking of myself as a guy, which had become more than simply a habit.  It was like a habit, but a hurtful one, one that always cut me on some level, but to which I had developed a huge amount of useful, distracting and necessary coping mechanisms so that I could lead a full life.

All of those mechanisms did and continue to attempt to derail my progress. When I had a first real sexual encounter with another person, I discovered how incredibly difficult it was to feel pleasure and satisfaction with my appearance in the context of sexual activity and in the context of my body's shape and form. This along with other realizations helped push me into what was one of the worst depressions of my life.  I mourned for my loss of being a "normal guy."  This was a fiction that I had created and still continues to influence the way that I interact with the world.  I also had moments of celebrating the same loss.  GOOD RIDDANCE.

I denied my own identity, the possibility of it even making any sense, the possibility of living a "full life" in my mind leaping out the window all at the same time that I accepted my truth.  These sort of things apparently happen concurrently and sporadically moving forward and backward between different stages of grief.

I legitimately felt like my life wasn't worth living, albeit never explicitly considered suicide.

I loved the way that my feminist friends treated me now that they didn't think I was a cis dude.  I continued to feel incredibly rewarded for my openness in my feelings and the ways that I felt comfortable interacting with the world with this new conception of self.  It was the greatest relief in my life at the same time that I struggled.

The new burden of what living my truth actually meant in the world replaced the previous self-hatred.  This was a duller type of pain, generally more outwardly focused.  And the other pain that grew and developed was the people around me not knowing or acknowledging my truth.  This all happened without any steps I took in order to change the ways I felt about my gender presentation. My concept of my gender identity also developed beyond genderqueer.  I will still use this as an identity label because on a certain level it still feels like it fits, but I can give you a more clear expression of the relationship that I feel I have with gender.

If you were to think of gender as a spectrum and not as a binary and you imagine that that spectrum has masculine on one side and feminine on the other, I would place myself a clear distinct amount of space feminine of center.

  I am not a guy, or a man.

I don't generally care about my personal presentation from an internal perspective when we are just referring to me.  In the context of social spaces however, I care a great deal!  And I have come to realize like a Tomboy who decides she wants to do stuff that is feminine--that same stuff I don't care about--MATTERS TO ME.  In the context of social situations, I really don't want to be read as cis male, even by a coworker or a stranger.  This is something that my mom finds very confusing.  Why would I have a desire to move my gender presentation almost completely into the feminine (at least of center) if I don't care?  This is who I am and they are basically rendering me invisible by dismissing who I am.  Gender really does MAINLY exist for me in the context of social situations, but it also exists in the concept of my physical body as well.

As I mentioned earlier, I suffered from what is called gender dysphoria all throughout my teenage years up until the present.  This was a feeling of disconnect between what my body looks like and what my mind feels like it should look like.  This was often quite triggering to my depression as was the things that I believe testosterone was doing to my mind and feelings.

These things plus my desire to present as female and my panic and depression of that year a year ago pushed me to visit a hormone doctor and begin taking hormone pills...an estrogen supplement and a testosterone blocker.

So hormonally at this moment, I am female.

My friends and family now refer to me as Jamie and it is the name I would like for you to try and call me as well.  Everything in the past and that you have known of me before, and this letter has added up to equal who I am today.

I do still mostly dress the way you'll have remembered seeing me, but I am working on it and increased feminine presentation might make me feel more comfortable with the narrative that is still 2.5 years new to my life as compared to the previous 25.5 years.  It is an adjustment for me as well as other people in my family, but it is just the way that things are.  Whether or not it is a positive change or not, it is constantly developing (my gender identity) and also unavoidable.  As soon as I would give up on this new narrative, I would have given up on the possibility of a happy life.

At the moment I use and tell other people to use gender neutral pronouns to refer to me.  These pronouns are a creation of an alternative culture to mainstream English language so people claim that they are unnatural, but what is really unnatural is the concept of the gender binary that has been so enforced by European and christian society partially as a way to economically and physically oppress women and maintain past and contemporary power structures.

The pronouns I use are: they, them, their

And I would appreciate if you attempted to add them to your lexicon to refer to me.  I am very understanding of folks who mess it up.  Because of my 25.5 year narrative for myself, I occasionally mess up my own pronouns.  It doesn't mean that my new narrative isn't true, but simply that old habits are hard to break.

I may in the future begin using feminine pronouns: she, her, hers, but that isn't right now.  I just definitely don't want to be he, him, his

I am very glad to be able to share this with you and I'd look forward to discussing it further, whether on the phone or by pen pal.

Love always, Jamie 

[williamrage]

Finding Myself and Dealing with Dysphoria

Most of my life, from early childhood up until I was 21 I dressed as a boy, or as boyish as my parents would let me, Then I got with my now ex-boyfriend, at the time I didn’t know anything about the transgender community, I honestly thought I was the only person who felt like a male on the inside. It’s insane when I think that I knew about people who cross dressed and it never really clicked that many were probably just like me.

I went from knowing myself and being who I was as best as I comfortably could, to getting with a great guy and deciding that I would change myself for him, I forced myself to do so many things, things I had no interest in before, which for the most part wasn’t so bad, at least I can honestly say I tried, but I lost myself in that process, and that was something I wasn’t ready to accept until recently.

Who am I now? When I left my ex, I was a shattered mess who had finally found a label for how I felt, but instead of accepting myself, I ran. I ran and continued to try to change myself to fit into this world better, I had this body, why? So I took steps to have a kid. I can’t say it was smart, and sure I regret it some, but I think if I wouldn’t have had my twins I probably wouldn’t be here today.

If I could do it over I think I should have just sucked it up and transitioned. Where would I be today if I had initially started taking hormones? but things were different then, I had two doctors who were not willing to help me, one outright ignored me when I told him about how I felt, maybe if I had looked into it again, even 5 years later, things would have been different, but 10 years ago transitioning looked like a hopeless wish that would just get me into a world of rejection.

It’s not terrible being a dad, twins was something I didn’t expect, and doing it alone, even with a lot of help from family, has been a trial that has pushed me to my limits. I’ve resigned myself to being alone forever romantically. For a long time I’ve don’t very little aside from live and care for my daughters, I’ve forced myself to do many things like joining a twin parenting group, and trying to socialize.

Unfortunately, it’s when I’m socializing my twins or parent groups that my dysphoria hits me the hardest, my brain tells me I’m a guy, always has, but I know that people see me as a female, and I don’t know how to act, especially around cis women. It’s really hard to describe the feeling, it’s like, I don’t know how to present myself, I want to act normal, on the inside I’m wanting to act and be seen as the man I am, but most of the time I’m in a situation where I feel like I’m being thrown into a game I have zero idea what the rules are and I’m supposed to wing it. It leaves me feeling like a failure and an outcast, it’s bad enough that I’m an introvert, but my masculinity feels trampled on and tossed in the gutter.

On the inside I see myself as that big strong guy that stands in the back looking burly intimidating, and rarely says anything, but is really a big cuddle bear with a sarcastic take on life. I have identified with guys like that my entire life, Norman, from Mighty Max was a big one, these days I think I’d be like Big Mac from MLP. Yup! Most of the time that’s how I’m thinking of myself, I’m that big silent guy in the room, only I’m trapped in a girl’s body… it hurts saying that, because most of the time I can just not think about my body as being either, when I’m sitting I do my best to make my massive boobs disappear, like sitting at my desk right now, it’s a tall desk, my boobs are under the lip of the desk, I also have the tendency to slouch a bit so that they disappear into my chest and my shirt hangs loose over them, I don’t know if people see them, but I feel like I don’t. That’s a trick I learned when they first came in.

For a long time I’ve been able to mostly ignore being trans, there are those times when it’s hard, sometimes at work I’ll see other guys and feel so jealous. I walk and act like these guys… I feel like if my expression and demeanor was paired with a more masculine physique I wouldn’t feel so alien, and people wouldn’t feel so weirded out by how “cold” and “emotionless” I seem.

Dealing with shark week, which after having twins has turned into sometimes a three month blood bath, has been a major factor in triggering my dysphoria. I don’t know if it’s the emotional turmoil or dealing with the mess, but holy cow, there was a time when I would walk to the bathroom fighting back my tears of utter hate for the way I felt in my body. I’ll always be thankful for the day my sister got me a menstrual cup, I feel like it was a lifesaver, honestly, it was a total game changer for me, I can forget all about it most of the time, sure it can be messy and I have to get a little too hands on down in the deeps, but once it’s in, I can go the majority of the day not giving it a second thought.

I think that for most who are transgender, the dysphoria is at it’s worst when we’re forced to be the gender we don’t identify with, I feel sad for the trans little girls who are forced to dress in boys clothes without any compromise available to them from their parents, at least for me as a kid, I could go shirtless and wear jeans and clodhoppers up until puberty and nobody would give it a second thought, at least not on my parent’s property with no neighbors in sight to call CPS.

It was only after I got with my ex-boyfriend that my dysphoria began hitting me the hardest. When I’d buy women’s clothes and makeup. Now before I got with him I never willingly bought or wanted girls clothes, as a kid I fought my parents. I was in 2nd grade when I finally said no to skirts and dresses. I was forced a couple times, mainly on graduation days, and family pictures, that was my compromise, but if it was any other time, NEVER. Makeup was another funny thing to me, I’d get the scented nail polishes and put them on for a time, but then they’d eventually turn into potions, at least until high school when black nail polish and lipstick and all things goth became a thing. But both guys and girls were wearing it, heck, at that time I wanted so bad to look like Eric from the Crow that it hurt.

With my ex-boyfriend it was different, I dove into glitter and rainbows, and all things cute, I bought girl clothes, although I wouldn’t get anything that showed off much, if any, cleavage, I bought some expensive lip glosses and glittery makeup. The problem was, I would put this stuff on and look in the mirror and feel disgusted. I honestly felt like a crossdresser, like I shouldn’t be wearing it, and no matter how beautiful my ex-boyfriend told me I looked I couldn’t see it, all I could think was how much I hated myself. Many times I would get dressed, look in the mirror, feel those feelings and take off everything and opt for my androgynous look, t-shirt and jeans. Most of the clothes I bought were worn maybe once, or not at all. My “makeup” honestly I don’t think you can classify it really as makeup, but lipgloss and glitter, was mostly left alone, I’d wear it for some family get togethers with my ex’s family, but I had no patience for it, and really, I didn’t feel like I needed it anyway.

It was nice being with a guy who didn’t care if his girlfriend was a hardcore tomboy gamer, but I feel like from the beginning I was inauthentic to him, if I could have changed myself and actually have felt like a woman it would have been awesome, but it got to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. What finally broke the camel’s back was my cousin’s wedding, she wanted me to be a bridesmaid, and wear a dress. What shouldn’t have been a problem, turned into weeks of tossing and turning at night, crying into my pillow while my boyfriend slept, and looking at the dress online and freaking out at the thought of wearing it, and being seen wearing it. I couldn’t do it, and it forced me to take a hard look at myself and realize, as I had many times over in my life, that this wasn’t just a feeling, or a phase, that what I felt was real, that I really was a male on the inside and I couldn’t just keep pretending.

At that point I only heard the term transgender a couple times, and heard it loosely used to describe someone who was born the wrong gender. I remember a couple conversations with my ex-boyfriend where I tried the term out on myself, somewhat as a joke, not really understanding but at the same time, knowing that if there was a word for how I felt, this was it. So when I finally did look up my feelings and the word Transgender came up and I actually dove into what it meant, and found people who felt that way and learned about their experiences I couldn’t just ignore it anymore. I took no time in telling my ex-boyfriend and family.

To me it was so obvious, to look back on my life and actually be able to say “I told you so.” or “I knew it” and actually know that I wasn’t alone. It was unbelieveable. I also knew that it was going to be hard for my parents, but I also knew that if anyone could REALLY understand it was my siblings. I wish my mom didn’t feel like she had to blame herself for everything, I wish she knew that I’ll be forever grateful that she was the one who saw my turmoil as a kid who just wanted a short freaking haircut, and finally took me out and got one. I think my dad took it better, but I doubt he’ll ever know just how awesome it felt for the short time where he made me feel like his only son as we threw the football or baseball every chance we got until the sun went down.

My sisters have been an incredible pillar to my strength. Even when I had resigned myself to living androgynously they remembered our childhood and understood. Even when I acted like I didn’t care what people called me, they made my name real, used the pronouns I shrugged at, let me vent my frustrations and despair over my dysphoria. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of absolute gratitude that I feel toward them in everything they have done. It’s because of them that I can transition and know that in the end not everyone will abandon me.

These days my dysphoria can be really bad, I can’t really look in the mirror, but since my sister started cutting my hair I can sometimes catch a glimpse of the man I’m supposed to be. I’ve had to make myself stop trying to “fit in” with the mom crowd. No more binge buying women’s clothes for me. It’s taken a long time for me to get to where I can accept myself, and some days it’s still hard, but what has changed is that I’m no longer trying to force myself to be something I’m not because no matter what I’ll always be transgender.

So that’s where I am today, I’m at the point where I’ve exhausted my arsenal against who I really am; I ran, I’ve tried to bury it, live with it and deny it. This entire time I’ve known who I am inside, but I thought I could just live with it. I didn’t realize that I was killing myself to please the people around me, I thought it would be so easy to sacrifice my feelings, nobel even, to let people love a hollow shell. But letting them love my hollow shell, came at the cost of my love, because shutting off those feelings shut off my love. It took a long time to realize that that wasn’t love at all, if people can’t love me for who I am really, then what was the point of letting them love something superficial?

#transgender #transmen #williamrage #willrage #ftm