#memes for myself only to sustain me in this time

[ladythespera]

pssst hey girl did you enjoy the genealogies of elves in the back of the silmarillion (1977)? then you might also enjoy

#JK at this point I don’t understand the intrinsic pathway (not pictured) and I’m too afraid to ask #it’s just a good thing I don’t need to know all this 💀 #memes for myself only to sustain me in this time #science memes #pathophysiology #should this be under tolkien memes 💀 #silmarillion memes #tolkien #This is what ppl see when I try to explain the house of finwe to them

[toomanywatchers]

My Thoughts on WatcherTV

Hi, I am here to put away my meme-making skills to express my genuine thoughts on Watcher’s announcement; WatcherTV. Before I get into it, this is for any of those at Team Watcher who might be seeing this message: Just know we love and support everything you do for us. Y’all truly do not get the credit you rightfully deserve. I hope with this change to a separate streaming platform you guys can create the content you want to make, pull in creators that you’ve always wanted to work with, and share voices/topics that may have not had the chance to shine because of YouTube’s heinous algorithm. I know myself, and many others, are excited to see what WatcherTV brings. For instance, I already watched Road Files and the trailer for Travel Season on the new platform. And guess what? I love it! I just love BTS-centric shows and seeing the vibes established on Travel Season. Along with more Lizzie/possibly-more-sightings-of-other-Team-Watcher-peeps content?!? If this is what holds for the future of WatcherTV- oh boy, do you already have me more on board than I already was.

I also send my sincerest regards too. We all know that the internet can be a negative space with many sharing their uncensored thoughts, and I hope none of you take the hate to heart. I also hope you can take the weekend to breathe, drink some water, spend time with loved ones, and celebrate this huge step you all are embarking on. I am truly excited to see what is to come on WatcherTV will be there with each step to support.

Now to my fellow fans of Watcher. I understand the concern and it is okay to have concerns. It shows that you truly care for Watcher as a company and don’t want anything negative to come about with this decision. BUT on the other hand, spreading hateful messages? Not. Fucking. Cool. It is quite simple to express concern in an appropriate/respectful manner. Remember, this is a company full of living and breathing human beings. Trying to justify “who is to blame” and pointing fingers is just childish. Guess what? No one is to blame, it was a company-wide decision that they all made and spent months upon months to create.

Yes, it does suck to see content that was free for years be moved to a paywall, but remember they are independent artists that have to pay employees, freelancers, locations, and themselves! Have we not been advocating for fair pay among creative individuals when it comes to WGA/SAG-AFTRA strikes and then AI art taking jobs away from artists? If this is what the company needs to do to survive while not sacrificing the high-quality content they make for us, then we should give it a shot! Plus with the current discount available, the subscription is not that pricey for the amount of shows they produce! Literally for January and a bit of February, they were uploading 2 podcasts and 2 separate shows… that’s a lot of content! If you have never sat down to produce, direct, write, perform, edit, and all other aspects it takes to make a fine-polished YouTube video, it takes a lot of work!

To add to this, Watcher already makes content that far expands past what is recognized as normal for YouTube. They build individual sets for each show that is produced, and they travel all over the place for Ghost Files and soon-to-be Travel Season. It costs money to produce content and YouTube?- It’s just not how it was years and years ago. Views on long-form content have been dipping and with the over-saturation of sponsorships, I am assuming they are not making enough profit to sustain the business on the current platform. Also, monetization on YouTube has been a killer for many channels because of vulgar language issues and just being demonetized for no rhyme or reason. By moving over to a streaming platform of their own they can continue to create what they want to create, and make it without any restrictions or rules holding them back. Too pricey? Find some friends who also like the content and split the pricing evenly. Only want to watch certain shows? Then make a monthly subscription for the time that show airs. There are many solutions that you guys see as a huge problem, and don’t get me wrong I have my concerns. I shared those concerns briefly in my theory post about them still being a young channel, but I’m also unaware of the actual analytics and revenue that is currently being brought in currently to the company from YouTube alone. 

It’s a huge step that has garnered negative feedback from those spreading hateful messages about the company and to other individuals for supporting the boys *cough cough I see your messages and comments cough cough* is truly uncalled for. I will be taking a bit of a break from my socials as I wait out the storm though if I have the energy, I might stream on Twitch again and talk through this with y’all if you can sit down and have a civil discussion. As for now, it’s your choice if you continue to support. My goal is to continue to make funny little memes, and if I am allowed to I will be working on a crack video pt.2 after Travel Season premieres. Remember to be kind and to put yourselves in their shows. Just the boys even though they are receiving the brunt of the hate, but for everyone at the company.

Your local memester watcherina - Fritz.

#watcher #watcher entertainment #ryan bergara #shane madej #steven lim #watcher tv #my thoughts

[shuttershocky]

Who the closest R6 has for a medic? And how would they translate into AK.

I kinda want one for a more balanced full R6 squad

Rainbow has three medics actually!

This is Doc. Armed with a dartgun that heals allies (and even enemies if you shoot them for some reason), Doc's got a long and infamous history of toxic gameplay in Siege lol.

You see, Doc doesn't heal you, not really. He boosts you. That means if you have full health, Doc can boost you beyond that. This meant that Doc and the tankiest guy on the Defender team (usually Rook) would often wait next to the doors or windows for round start, then Doc boosts himself and his ally and they run into the enemy spawn guns blazing to take down as many of the Attackers as they can before going down in a blaze of glory. This shit was incredibly fun (I did it a lot) but was also toxic as fuck, so Ubisoft nerfed the hell out of runouts lmao.

Doc's gun can also coax allies who are down but not out. Under certain conditions, an operator can be KO'd but not killed. Doc can boost them to bring them back up. He can even do it to enemies! One of my friends would go over to a knocked out enemy, revive them, then shoot them as they woke up just for the memes.

Doc in Arknights could be a medic that creates a DBNO (down but not out) state for allies, like when they are knocked out in SSS. Activating his skill could revive them to half health. However, he only has 3 shots of the skill before he has to retreat, making him a poor choice if the ally gets knocked out easily.

Now this is Finka. In a plot straight out of Metal Gear Solid 4, Finka injected every Rainbow member with nanomachines that she controls, enhancing their physical strength, boosting them with adrenaline, healing their wounds, and reviving all DBNO allies across the map. Before this was changed, she even removed recoil from all her allies temporarily. I never played Finka myself, as my friends would complain the nanomachines removing recoil would fuck up their aim.

Finka sounds like an Abjurer to me more than a medic, but it's still a healer class!

And finally there's Thunderbird. Unlike the others who keep their healing gadget on them, Thunderbird puts down a sentry gun that shoots heals at nearby allies instead, allowing Defenders to barricade themselves in a room under heavy fire and sustain repeatedly as long as they don't get headshot, or provide a heal to passing roamers who took some hits while flanking the enemy.

We already have a medic with a deployable heal in Silence. Thunderbird could be an alternate take where the healing drone doesn't go away, but actually has to attack and only heals on ally at a time rather than in an AOE. Thunderbird could also be an Artificer whose deployable comes with a heal for allies.

#arknights

[araedi]

I promised an update on my life/activity and stuff, so here it is! I’ll stuff it all under the cut but the tldr is I’m still here just on a super slow. I’m always down for chats and interactions as long as you’re cool with that!

I’m quite private about myself online so gonna keep this brief (lol watch me do anything but), but I feel like I keep circling back to apologising every few months for not being here enough then punishing myself over it when I’m not magically active again. It’s ultimately a hobby but I still feel bad that people writing with me could be feeling let down/ignored, so I wanted to drop this rather than keep on cycling the same apology until it feels hollow.

Life’s a Lot right now: I’m currently juggling two part time jobs, pretty much full household responsibilities for three people, night-school with essays, and an emotionally intensive placement as part of my training which also involves paperwork. Home life is also less than ideal (won’t go into details). On top of this, I have chronic health problems alongside chronic pain so most days I’m just crabby and exhausted; my mental health could be better but rn it just feels like I’m treading water to get to a place where I’ll have fewer commitments.

Ultimately rp and writing/creative stuff in general is part of how I unwind so I’ll always be around because this outlet is so rewarding, but as it stands I’m just so mentally and pysically drained that when I do have the time I’d rather just switch my brain off and play a bit of a game and have a sliver of social life than try to force out writing which is gonna be sub-par. I’ve been feeling kinda down about my writing for a bit and just feel like I’m giving the same post over and over, which also isn’t helpful!

As for my activity and where y’all fit: I’m still around and intend to be; still responding to DM’s on Discord or IM’s on here (unreliable though they are -_-) just being ridiculously slow with replies and popping reblogs or replies out just as and when. I’m not the type to up and quit, hell I’ve been on this blog for years so I’m going nowhere, just on the go-slow with the odd spurt of like 3-5 replies.

Of course I 100% understand if this weird unpredictable activity doesn’t fit for you: we all have different needs and expectations with this hobby and if me only showing up now and again isn’t gonna work that’s totally ok and you don’t have to follow or write with me: it’s been a blast knowing you!

If you’re chill to stick around and deal with my slowness, please know I WILL get to replies, even if it’s at glacial pace. I’ll post a shot of my tracker/a list up in the future so I can be 100% on what I owe and know you can always check in with me/hold me accountable for stuff. Please know you can ALWAYS drop stuff in my ask boxes, whether it’s memes or questions for muses or just crack. It always puts a smile on my face <3 if I received it I’ll reply to it, so barring just a few memes I have nothing else waiting!

This all being said I would LOVE to build up more long term/in-depth character relationships and sustained interactions over multiple threads. I love getting to know my rp partners beyond the muses – it’s just that right now it’ll take six times as long to get anywhere. My door’s open for any chats r.e. any muses here or on the multi.

If you need my disco handle just ask/reply here or whatever and I can send it; if you need to get in touch for any reason and can’t seem to get through to me, just send a ping to the bestie Benevolentgodloki c:

If you read all this and are ok with sticking around know that you have my undying love lmao; I know it isn’t easy trying to build anything with someone who only posts once in a blue moon so your patience is appreciated and I’ll always appreciate having people to come back to on here <33

#ooc tag #this was meant to be a brief update and as usual why use 1 word when 12 will do

[reimenaashelyee]

how did you get your comics seen? it's one thing to make them and a whole other thing to get people to lay eyes on them and read them and I have no idea how to do the second part

I think you'll have to at least make friends with some of your peer group (artists who are at the same stage in their career as you) so you can both share your audiences and if nothing else, have each other as readers. If you're really new, it's kinda a fact that your work will be tiny for a few years: there's a lot of stuff online.

I am not a spring chicken anymore so all my current advice for promotion wouldn't apply as the majority of it required years of presence and establishment with the comics industry... now that my peer group has matured and become successful creators (I know that my peers are casually aware of what I put out, they may or may not read it or even comment). Additionally, my way of promoting is as avoidant of playing the algorithm and virality and tailoring to the most amount of possible audience. If you want the opposite of that, you can ask @secondlina - who has done a lot of experimentation with social media and gaming the internet attention economy.

I'm not all that interest in gaming anything: I only want to serve the audience I have and always had - thoughtful, chill readers who are ok with slow reading, in the sense they don't ask me for constant content since they get what my vibe is. They are here for my lush visuals, original material and approach to topics/characters. It's this audience, and the academics + people who tend to be older and are equivalent/less levels of "online" to me. I personally find that gaming for views on purpose steals time and energy away, since a lot of the tactics tend to ask you to behave or post or draw a certain way that might feel unnatural with no guarantee whether the effort is worth it. For example, making memes of your characters, doing funny reels with music. If you are cool with doing all that though, again, @secondlina is your expert. I can see why those tactics are popular: that's how Big Tech dictates you get access to their "discovery" algorithm.

For me, in the early days what got new eyes onto my narrative work was making one-off illustrations (not necessarily of the comic - just some original character concepts) that somehow got popular. This was during the peak eras of Twitter and Tumblr though. The other thing was mostly talking about my comics: I document so much of my process. People love this apparently. It's the only guaranteed way for myself that gets people hype and aware of the comic's existence - though this might partly be caused by the aforementioned audience I always had. It's very low effort cos I mostly post screenshots of WIPs or developmental sketches and include a comment.

But like, with webcomics, I always operated on the assumption that people don't read my work. I am just here vibing. If there are readers (and I know who you are because of comments made across social media / my websites over the years) I appreciate them, but I don't want to ask much of them either. I put out the work I like, and whoever comes across it and likes it can stay, maybe comment, maybe get the print edition.

Yeah, this is not such a satisfactory answer for marketing if you're not subscribed to my brand of being an online artist: which is slow-growth, sustained working. My established methods now are: talking about my work, documenting it, connecting with peer group + older generations of professionals (established critics, journalists, editors), running a newsletter, going on interviews/podcasts, submitting my art to whatever I think would help promote it - pitch to Shortbox Fair, apply to Knife Beetle or the Cartoonist Cooperative, join a Discord.

And advanced methods, like applying for artist residencies.

In the end I cannot emphasise enough to get to know your peers who are at the same level of career as you are. Find creators who started at the same time you did and read their work (your choice); talk to them directly if the style/vibe matches. This is long-term mutual commitment - you won't see the effects until years later when you each find success in the paths you chose. And just to give you an idea of who my original peer group is - choo, Ariel Ries, Kay O'Neill, Bree Paulsen, Toril/Eden Orlensky, Kaeti V, Kevin Jay Stanton, Victoria Grace Elliot, Britt Sabo - we were all obscure mutuals/friends at more or less the same time. Then we each found our own way. Over time the circle grew to include other peer groups - ones that started slightly earlier or later, and new contacts of the same level. And that's how one gets established. As this is happening you will get eyes to your work naturally.

[heywriters]

For the ask meme: 7, 23, 36, 40?

you are crazy sweet for always responding to these, especially because I queue them and forget. in fact, I have an unanswered one of yours still sitting in my inbox because it came in while i was logged out for a while.

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

no specific scene comes to mind, but showing the intent behind a place is fun, like portraying a society as ambitious or crumbling or overbearing purely by describing its architecture. decay is one of my favorite things to describe because it can show neglect, the passing of time, the effects of weather, and/or that something has been well-used and loved.

another worldbuilding motif of mine is food. i love making up fantasy foods, or describing a real place by the type and quality of the food. people are also a very important part of worldbuilding to me because i'm a people-watcher irl, so i try to include the interesting types of people i see in daily life in my stories.

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

murder mystery thriller. i have a half-dozen plot ideas for this genre but i lose interest in them too quickly. one is about a wildfire, one involves police corruption, one starts with a party on a beach, and one is even set in space...but i cannot make myself complete the outlines let alone start writing. i think the idea of sustaining suspense for a whole story intimidates/bores my brain. maybe someday

36. Do you visualize what you read/write?

oh, always. the only time my mind draws a blank is usually during dialogue. otherwise, it's like watching a movie in my head or experiencing VR. and while writing, if I can't visualize it I physically act it out or sketch/research an environment so I can better adjust my brain to the setting.

40. Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

I don't know if I should laugh or sigh because hell yeah I re-read. Too much. Too often. If I re-read I edit or I get excited for the ending I never wrote, and either way I end up wasting hours I meant to spend on something else (thanks, ADHD). I've started a new thing where I write quick, small pieces that make me happy and I re-read them until the dopamine is gone. Once that happens, they either move to The Big File where I intend to connect them all into a linear story, or I delete them because they're superfluous/redundant.

Thanks for being the best!

this was good for my brain, so i have to go write now <3

#reply #ask game #writing #creative writing #writer on tumblr

[skitskatdacat63]

In true tradition, here are my thoughts on my drawings, because it was in fact: 7 AM

Okay so Fernando I is, as stated, super ostentatious. Why? Because it fits him but also because it's based on the real life guy. In all the paintings I could find of Philip V, in most of them he is wearing at least some kind of armor, and if not, is dressed pretty dramatically imo. And I will not be drawing a full set of armor, but it felt a bit weird to leave it our entirely so. Also historically I do think it's so interesting he was portrayed this way, since he was described as someone who was "only interested in outward decorum and brave only in battle."(again: how fernando coded hahaha)

See! Super dramatic! Also I made this meme that is only comprehensible to me

Seriously, why is he pointing in half of his paintings???? I couldn't find a concrete answer so I will give my personal analysis 😤 I like to think that it's symbolism for how he's always moving forward, like "here's will I go will go next!" ....or the artists just couldn't figure out what to do with his hands, I feel the struggle.

Oh also important to note!! His heels!! I am obsessed with this fashion detail from the time:

Nandopoleon is super important to me, it's why @sweatyflytrap and I became friends in the first place 🥺🥺🥺 so it felt very surreal to draw him because I've been thinking about him for a while. I want to make an actual web weave with quotes lined up with Fernando's career, or stuff comparing their personalities. Or draw him recreating one of the iconic paintings(probably the one with Napeoleon crowning himself emperor, I think it's fitting.) But to draw him in that classic pose, im very happy :)

And as I said already, Hussars are very fun to draw because it is such a general AU. The joy of it is more about figuring out how to incorporate the details of the real life racesuits to the uniform. If I didn't only primarily love to draw Fernando and Seb, i would be like "request a driver for the Hussar AU!" But I don't know how well that would go 😭

Anyways end of post. I think the reason why I've been feeling a lot more creatively driven and passionate is because it's a lot easier to draw so much when you know other people will be interested/want to discuss it with you! I used to have a friend that I would talk a lot about my OCs with, and guess what, back then I drew a lot more of them than I do now. It's not that I need outside validation to draw, I draw plenty for myself, but more that it makes me feel more happy about it, because I know that I'll get to talk about it with other people and see other people's thoughts, rather than just me being the sole participant. As you guys know, I like to talk. A lot. So it's very nice for it not all to be in my head(I am crazy) 😭😭 So thank you to everyone for your continued interest <3 you sustain me 🥺🥺

#i just remember when i first picked up digital drawing #+ and like maybe teh first couple years into drawing #i would just draw constantly and draw so much #and yknow the more my art develops the harder it is i guess? #because i get into this mindset where everything has to be perfect and correct #but drawing so many chibis has kinda reset that a bit in my mind #i get to practice my rendering but on a smaller scale with less stakes ! #but yes seriously everyone sustains me 🥺🥺🥺 ive had so much fun explaining these and talking about them #dont want to get too sappy!!! #catie.rambling.txt #nandopoleon alonsoparte #boy king au

[chiropteracupola]

fic writer meme

tagged by @sanguinarysanguinity — thank you, this was an interesting one to ponder!

ao3 name: chiroptera_in_the_cupola

fandoms: as writing and interest generally goes, I think the major players currently are and have been Treasure Island, Hornblower, Flight of the Heron, and [one look at the work-in-progress spreadsheet later] uh, I guess Sharpe as well at the moment :]

I do like to pick up other things for a small thing or two, and plan to continue doing so, but I think those first three are the ones that have really captured my interest in a way that supports sustained writing, altho' we'll see how things shake out as time goes on.

number of works: 56, which is really quite a few for only a bit more than two years of actually posting work on ao3!

work I spent the most time on: 'well met, my dear one' went through revisions and periods of abandonment for nearly two years. it was one of the very first Treasure Island fics that I began, but needed to be entirely begun over again from scratch at one point, and so took rather a while even though it's not all that long.

works I spent the least time on: 'make my bed where the bodies lie', 'the king shall dress in gold', and 'the way was carved in ice' were all written in about four or five hours each. it's always lucky when inspiration strikes like that and can carry me all the way through a story in one go, but less lucky for any other things I might have planned on doing that day!

longest fic: 'Nane Shall Ken Where He Is Gane', or, as I've more frequently called it, the Wormsfic — and that's only a third of it so far! oh boy!

shortest fic: 'who's to blame', the very shortest of a series of a few very tiny little micro-fics done as part of a prompt game some years ago.

most hits: 'as in a mirror dimly', my one fic for The Mummy — hm, I think I'd say that that one is mostly on account of the movie itself being a much more well-known thing than many of the other areas I more frequently write in, altho' the central relationship is. shall I simply say unpopular.

most kudos: oddly enough, 'here in your arms is cured', my first Kidnapped fic — hopefully I will someday finish more, that they may be similarly well received!

total word count: 90,380

favorite work of my own: this is one question I can't really answer — a lot of stories are my favorites for very different reasons! but I'll take this space to mention 'Shaking Off Our Shadows', which, since it's for rather an obscure book, I've not discussed much, but I am nonetheless very proud of, among my recent work. Reading The Wolf and the Watchman left me feeling very cold and grimy and sad, and I'm very pleased with the results of attempting to spin a happier ending (and a not-entirely-joking beach vacation) for Cardell and Winge.

fic you want to rewrite / expand on: I've actually already done a rewrite of one that I felt particularly needed a second take with time (that being 'sleep in it slowly (if you can)' / 'Midwinter Thaw', my pair of winter-at-Graçay Hornblower fics) and am in the process of working on another — both of the fics getting done over in this way were written fairly quickly and mostly while I was sick, which left them with some oddnesses that I'm enjoying getting to smooth out in the later versions. and both of these also do happen to be things that I'd like more fic about in general, so I might as well write myself what I'd like to read. some of my earlier Treasure Island fic also could probably do with a revision, since I've grown a lot as a writer (and also as a Person!) in these few years, but that'd take time I don't really feel inclined to use for that right now.

when it comes to expansion and sequels and such, I'd really love to write more in the same continuity as my most recent Sharpe fic (giving the Chosen Men the Monstrous Regiment treatment certainly deserves more time than I've given it thus far!) and I've got a great many more Flintlock Fortress tales in the works as well.

share a bit of a wip or story idea you are planning on:

“Whatever it is is clever — my snares are sprung, but there’s nothing there.” “That’s a man done it then.” “No, there’s only paw-prints, no boot-marks at all. And big ones, too.” He spread his hand to indicate the size, fingers splayed nearly to their full extension. “There’s nothing got paws as big as that, Dan,” said Cooper, with a little less conviction than he’d aimed for.

here's another chunk of my Ladyhawke AU for Sharpe, which has been taking up quite a bit of space in the old braincase these past few days. hopefully I shall manage to make it to the actual meat of the plot soon, altho' I'm also enjoying the sort of shenaniganerous Lads' Miserable Camping Trip of it all thus far!

and hm, I see a lot of the usual suspects have been tagged already — @dxppercxdxver, @kigiom, @bishakespeares, @baronetcoins, @phoenixflames12, would you like to give this game a go?

#em writes stuff #tangentially so #one of those tag things

[rpclefairy]

yessssss omg. I can’t tell you how disheartened I’ve been lately about essentially being left on read every single time i extend myself, looking to either plot or even just chat with people. old partners and new potential partners both.

and yeah, like you said, people are busy/have health issues/etc, but i do too and i’m still out here doing my best to at least communicate. it really grinds my gears when i see people i’ve reached out to countless times complain very publicly about no one writing with them or talking to them when i Know im probably not the only one they are putting on the back burner. ive started unfollowing these people and i think its caused some drama in certain circles, but what is the point of me following an rp blog that i wanted to write with if they cant even bother to respond to me ooc after weeks or months?

mental/physical health breaks are ABSOLUTELY valid, but to expect constant effort on your partners’ parts, and to never reciprocate in turn is Not Okay. relationships of any kind cannot be sustained like that.

disheartened is a very accurate word to describe it.

obviously no one expects dms to be replied to in 32 seconds or anyone to be online 24/7, but as a whole the community has taken reasonable sentiments like "it's okay to take breaks and be slow with replies" as a free pass to never to reply to anything and refuse to engage with mutuals.

i've lost the count of how many people i've seen on my dash complain about having no interactions or reblog those "i'm a forgetful rper but i still want to write with you" posts when i KNOW for a fact i have sent them dms to plot MONTHS before they never answered, i've sent them memes they never replied, i've liked their starter calls but my like went ignored as well as i have wrote them starters that are still sitting in my blog without reply for months.

like, at some point we all have to take responsibility for our own activity. we can't all expect everyone else to carry us because we're "oopsie forgetful".

not only it's draining always being the one to reach out it also tells me they don't respect my time and energy as if i don't have irl shit to deal with too. like, i'm writing this with a broken arm and a full arm cast on my dominant hand. but i still find time to reply to people's dms because i'm not the center of the universe and other's people's time and energy is valuable too.

and it is very disheartening not being treated with the same basic decency.

#im not perfect either thats why i included myself in the psa #im sure i have stuff to improve on as well but shit im at least trying #anyways sorry for the rant #inbox

[existentialbogwitch]

I’m just going to keep being myself and hopefully it will be good enough for the right people.

I am also going to therapy and I found an online lgbtqa+ support group I’m going to go to next month.

I’m going to watch some tutorials about doing drag.

I’m going to build a one hour one person show in drag about my story.

I do not care if it is the cringiest shit anyone has ever seen.

I need to do this to stay ALIVE.

It is growing inside my chest like a tiny nebula that is about to burst into a star. It feels uncontrolled and chaotic.

I feel like that Charlie meme from It’s always Sunny but with my own life story that ends with me coming out as non binary in a very public way.

I don’t ever want to be someone’s girlfriend again.

Not like that.

Heteronormativity is actively damaging and I need to find more things to help me define my experience.

Even if I never show anyone. Or I only show people selectively.

I don’t know.

But I need to do something.

I need to do something expressive that feels bigger than myself.

I’m thinking too grandiose right now, but I’m hoping I will eventually be able to funnel those thoughts into something that resembles a palatable production experience (it will be an experience, a multi sensory experience). - maybe not at first, but eventually. As a specific representation of autism.

Being a witch doesn’t have a gender by the way.

It is implied female, but doesn’t have to be.

Wizards are often viewed as male, but why?

I recently reread Terry Pratchett’s equal rights and it speaks to that a lot.

Some of my identifying as non binary is due to the fact that I am frustrated at the notion that I am forced to choose to fit in with a gender binary.

I do not want to have to choose.

There is not one answer that feels right to me.

Not anymore.

I don’t know how much of it is due to trauma, but I’m tired of trying to force a binary to make sense for me when it doesn’t.

The same with the idea of a traditional heterosexual monogamous relationship.

I enjoy having deep relationships with multiple people regardless of their gender or my sexual attraction to them.

Traditional monogamy makes me feel like I have to find one partner to fulfill all my needs and not only is that impossible, but it is exhausting.

I have never been able to sustain a romantic relationship and there are numerous factors that contribute to this.

I also struggle with maintaining friendships. Though I would imagine that if you ask people they probably will tell you that we’re friends and they don’t think poorly of me (probably, or they don’t think of me at all) but my brain tells me that the reason people do not talk to me or reach out to me is because they do not like me.

I struggle with understanding the socially acceptable amount of time to wait before texting someone and what text exchanges are supposed to look like in a way that is overwhelming for a lot of people.

I should probably try doing voice messages but I’m afraid of my family hearing me talking about them.

Most of the time when I want social support it’s because my family has triggered me and I get anxiety and feel like I can’t leave my room.

Sometimes I get stuck in there for hours with anxiety, especially if I hear my brothers voice.

I’m working through CPTSD stuff and coping with my therapist, but I’m almost constantly disregulated because I have to hear my family’s voices and it triggers bad memories.

I need to move out but I cannot afford it.

I’m trying to finish my web design degree so I can get a higher paying job.

But being able to focus and regulate my emotions enough to do classes has been challenging for years.

I feel like I cannot escape.

I feel like people judge me for being “chronically online” but they don’t realize that I have no where else to go.

I’ve been rewatching Star Trek discovery and it’s making me want to be honest about my feelings.

“Absolute candor” and all that jazz.

Stay starfleet friends 🖖

#personal #rant #non binary #CPTSD #autism #mental illness

[joelhasaschoolalt]

Fan Autoethnography, Final Draft

Many such tweets have been made seeking to get to the bottom of this whole “furry” thing. I happen to be partial to this one.

Fandom, as I understand it, is a lot like faith: a means of understanding my experience in the world. I first received salvation when I was thirteen years old.

Imagine this: It is 12/21/12, the night the world is supposed to end. Your friend showed you a movie a few weeks before, which has since been echoing through you like a song stuck in your head. Your family goes to a Christmas market in Dade City, and looking around at the string lights everywhere and the decorations and the old friends running into each other by chance—you think of the Christmas song which describes the holiday as “that time of year when the world falls in love”—you feel as though you’re in the world of the movie. It wasn’t that it echoes through you; you echo through it. The world isbeautiful, you realize, as beautiful as your favorite movie, and you feel lucky to have found a place in it. 

Fanart of two characters from the visual novel “The Smoke Room.” Artist unknown.

So you get involved. You don’t  just look up fanfiction on an iPad you stole from your mother and feel as if your heart were exploding with excitement and sudden purpose until early in the morning (and no, the world does not end that night, but something inside you blossoms and you think maybe a world began); you do your best to live that sudden purpose. You get involved. You get into writing because you want to make other people feel the way the fanfiction makes  you feel; you stand up straighter, laugh more at jokes, and settle into a new persona that might make others see you with the same awe with which you see the characters you love so much. You get involved.

The word hyperfixation is thrown around a lot in anecdotes like these, these days; though probably accurate, the word feels limiting. It feels more like what Didion wrote: we tell ourselves stories in order to live. In the fandom experience, one doesn't simply tell a story, or consume it; the story becomes like a hot tub, golden bubbling water into which you lower your body and are yourself consumed. And then you’re at peace. 

A meme made by a friend, featuring one of our favorite characters, Ranzo LeVant from the visual novel “Dawntide.” The image is now my Twitter banner. 

As an adolescent, I remember being awestruck at how welcoming this new side of the Internet seemed. I’d only known nerd culture in stereotype: fedora-clad men with greasy ponytails arguing which of them were “real” fans and which weren’t. I know now that division still exists in fandom circles, which are far from utopian—the role of capital-d Discourse in furry fandom, I’ve found, is like the electrical charge inside a thundercloud that might at any time explode into occasional lightning—but it did, admittedly, seem like a utopia, then. Fandom to me was a genuinely thriving literary and art economy in which everyone was making work for everyone else with little boundaries, assumptions, or requirements; and a space in which, with no entry requirements, people could simply gather to celebrate.

These were years I spent in conversion therapy; years during which I watched the openly-gay senior at my homeschool co-op be barred from graduation; years which, as a pastor’s kid, I spent in the panopticon, surrounded by people who felt close to me though I didn’t feel close to them, keenly aware that there was some invisible difference in me. I dreamt all the time of kissing boys. Fandom was psychological compensation for a kid who just couldn’t come of age in a safe or “normal” way in his environment and was pushed into the worlds he enjoyed in his head. It meant more to me than I could have known, then, to read a fanfic in which two men kissed who I felt I knew, and to be surrounded by people similarly overjoyed. I lowered myself into the hot tub and let the narratives, fan content, and art that sustained me render me weightless. I was only an observer in adolescence, but fandom then taught me everything I’m passionate about today. 

A drawover of a friend’s fursona on Discord.

These days, I’m no longer an observer. In fact, I’ve grown to participate as a hobbyist more intensely than I ever thought I would: for example, I thought in high school that fursonas (fursonae?) were for people who genuinely believed they were non-human on some metaphysical level—people I now know as “Therians.” But these days, mine are a great joy of my life. I’ve found the fursona is whatever you want it to be, nothing more than a character you create for yourself. According to Jung, the persona is a mask; furry or not, we all don masks online. What’s the harm in giving yours a tail?

In time, what you pay attention to, you eventually emulate. Having spent my thought-forming years online, inundated by images, I and other Gen Z-ers tend to think in categories of images rather than in images themselves; the phenomenology of the image is such that you, in your own diffuse and intangible way, become the image through emulation. This is self-actualization. (Egregious oversimplification, I know, but I’m no psych major.) As a furry—dwelling upon anthropomorphic images and aesthetics—I self-actualize in different ways, now. Which affects how I experience the world, what I want out of life, or how I want to be perceived. I find writing is more fun when in my head there’s a limber raccoon-guy doing it in my place; cooking food and joyfully tasting my creations is more fulfilling when, holding the spoon I am holding, is a badger. 

Myself and a badge of one of my fursonas, which I commissioned to wear at conventions.

And then there is the convention. If the fandom experience is lowering oneself into a narrative as into a hot tub, the convention is the literal lowering oneself down. Word made Flesh. The etymology of “convene” is, simply, “to come together”; I’ve spent my whole life convening around kitchen tables, car rides, restaurants, and airport gates. So have you. But there’s something more beautiful in it that can’t quite be put into words when everyone who’s in the room shares the same tender, intimate secret. I mentioned before growing up feeling invisibly different; only on the convention floor, I’ve found, am I really myself.

People in general, I feel, are starved of spaces devoted to celebration. We seem to have deluded ourselves into thinking that joy has to be earned. I find a lot of value in faith communities of any stripe for this reason. Fandom, as previously mentioned, is to me a means of understanding my experience of the world, and a reason to celebrate it; faith, I’ve found, is no different.

Stickers on the stop sign outside the Rosemont Hyatt on the third day of Midwest Furfest 2022, the largest furry convention in history.

At Furry Weekend Atlanta 2022, the main hotel had a soaring atrium nearly 50 floors up. The dashingly cute-in-a-nerdy-way boy who would eventually become my beloved and I raced to the top, and as we looked down from heaven to earth, a group of fursuiters on the ground floor began to howl as if calling to us. Their joyful cries echoed about the building. I remember thinking if I’d stepped off the forty-seventh floor balcony then I’d float the whole way down. 

Art on a window at a room party during Furry Weekend Atlanta. Our dancing would soon generate enough heat to fog up the windows again; new artists would draw new art, and new writers new words. The condensation dripped in long, slow lines from our handiwork. We do these things in order to live.

@officeofdocmalone

#com255

#com255

[lmelodie]

I have only one (1) thought about fusion AU that's been replaying in my head for a while. A very specific plot bunny that I probably won't write in full but it has captivated me, so i’m going to tell you about it!

Of course it's BlackIce centric, Julians time to shine is now!

Jack and Jacqueline went out on this mission but just happened to stumble upon Killian cause he was just there.

But a vague magical threat ambushes them, Jacqueline nearly gets swiped so they both try and save her at the same time resulting in Julian. Who doesn't actually know he’s fused for a while cause he’s taking care of the immediate threat.

And after the fight, Jacqueline has TO TELL THEM that they are currently fused.

Julian: Mind equations meme

Julian: OH FUCK! 

They promptly have a little freak out about it, literally arguing with himself, only saying how much he literally doesn't wanna be here.

But when they try and unfuse, multiple times, it doesn't work.

Jacqueline’s like, can you unfuse?

Julian: Nope. Looks like we can't. Don’t worry this always happens whenever we fuse it's fine.

And Jacqueline is like, What? That doesn’t sound right, even Jack himself knows that unfusing should be the easy part??

And Julian is like It’s fine, when I say this happens all the time I mean it. Whenever I get stuck the only thing we can do is just kinda wait it out until the components are too physically exhausted from sustaining the fusion and they break apart and pass out. Jack usually does a sprite sleep afterwards.

And Jacqueline is like >:O WTF?? THAT'S NOT HEALTHY! There's gotta be an easier way to untangle yourself.

And Julian is like, nope. Haven't found another way to do it. Just gotta wait it out unfortunately.

But Jacqueline isn’t having it and is like Ok what if i try and tire you out myself, and speed run the process. I mean you’re the epitome of two middle aged men stacked together in a trench coat (literally) how hard can this be? So she tries to fight him.

But surprise surprise, it’s harder than she thought considering that he has the raw power of TWO legendary figures. So when that doesn't work, she tries taking him back to frost manor to get the fam's opinion on how to unfuse them.

(I am not a Jacqueline expert and i don't know who she would most likely call in for a fusion problem, so this could all be replaced with another option besides the frost fam)

But the whole time he’s trying to leave for the city to cause CHAOS.

Julian: As long as we're going to be stuck like this, we might as well make it worth my while. I got a giant snake demon to unleash on the streets!

But even so, she takes him back to Frost Manor and is like, Help me fam idk what to do.

(Enter prose about how Julian can't fit and gets stuck in the doorway)

And Winter is like, hold on real quick gotta message your dad. Now that Julian is here he’s gotta call ahead to the fire department, law enforcement offices, mother nature. Just to give them a heads up, just in case. 

Jacqueline's next idea is to get someone ELSE who has even MORE ENERGY than her to try and tire him out faster. 

GET HIM FIRE!! 

So the twins fuse and Fire tries their best, but I think them and Julian cause even MORE damage to the yard than ever thought possible. Julian tries to see how much ice they handle before their flames get put out.

Julian: Hey as long as you're gonna be on fire, make yourselves useful and light this will you? (offers cigarette)

But we have two options for possible endings:

1) Fire actually works their magic and wears him down enough for them to unfuse (with still a lot of difficulty) but they’re not even as worn as they usually are by the end!

2) Using Fire doesn't work and they have to call in fucking BLINTER to beat his ass into the ground. This is the more violent option and one that does require the Jack sprite sleep afterwards, in essence forcing them apart.

The entire time while they were fused, both of them tried not to peek into the other's mind. But these thoughts are hard to get rid of when you're sharing a headspace with someone else!

So coming unfused they now know, very unwillingly, just a little more about the other, and his point of view. (Maybe even like a feeling or two idk)

#nonart #text #cs au #fusion au #they both swear that they will never do that again #and then they promptly do that again at some point #plot bunny

[yumiluna]

UHH IDK IF THIS IS THE RIGHT ACCOUNT OR ANYTHING BUT I AM DESPERATE FOR OPINIONS ON THEM SO. Vanlock thoughts? Planning on writing them again soon and I need something to rotate in my mind until then

💜also your content is great!!! The wonders of being able to create your own food,,, self sustenance,,

AAAAAAAH IM SCREAMING YES THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE BUT OHH MY OPINIONS I okay idk where to start or how to go about this or if im doing this right but i will do my best 🏃‍♂️

First of all, I think they're extremely fucking neat and continues to just Rot my Brain. I always saw Barok as a "I fucking hate this man (affectionate)" towards Herlock whereas Herlock is the "I can fix him" towards Barok but more on the mindset that he knows Barok has been through so much shit and all he really needs is a loving family that Herlock knows he can provide (and more) just so that he can see some genuine happiness cross the man's face for once after so long and I 🧍‍♂️ Herlock knows when and when not to be serious around him, it's just more so that he acts Like That when around Barok because maybe he just loves to piss him off (affectionately) or that's the only way how he knows how to show affection and tbh either is👌👌👌👌👌👌 Just the whole "im gonna tease the person i like because im too shy to say i like them!!" but instead of children it is Two Grown Men. Just love these two men who are playing gay chicken with each other and having their kid be like "lord just KISS already"

I also really like to think about how as a result of Barok wanting to spend more time with ris to make up for lost time, he HAS to spend time with Herlock and just the idea of his feelings for herlock developing into something more because of it makes me do fucking Backflips 😤😤

I also love love love to think about how the two may have bonded over loves never meant to be (Herlock -> Mikotoba; Barok -> Genshin) for just a Drop of Angst. The two being left alone in one of the most vulnerable times of their lives (Barok and the Professor/Herlock and Surprise Fatherhood) with the two probably seeing each other as kindred spirits in that sense and taking solace in each other's company when time allows like "wow your Married w/ a Child Japanese Best Friend that you totally had a thing for left you/betrayed you I'll Drink to That/Wanna Make Out" 😳 Perhaps they find that they have a lot more in common than they thought but they only start to really get together after the events of dgs2 when they've both (barok specifically) really dealt with their trauma...

I could probably just Go On but i hope this helps!!! You make me wanna do the "Understand My Ship in 5 Minutes" meme now LOL thank you for enabling me to ramble on about vanlock

And thank you!!! I love to sustain myself and I'm hoping that my sustenance is feeding others too 🙏🙏🙏 the world needs more vanlock content and i am here to Provide...

I LOOK FORWARD TO READING WHAT YOU WRITE IF YOU DO SO IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!

#vanlock #homubaro #this is the first time anyone has asked me for my thoughts on a ship so thank you this was fun LOL #i was thinking about it all day during work today and i was just lord how do i answer this theres just So Much #i hope this helps anyway!!!!

[corruptedsilence]

@sadsack-phd​ asked: 🍪 - How well can they bake?

Misc. Ask Meme

“ Baking? Why I’m nothing more than perfection when it comes to baking! “ Missi said, a tad more nervously than before. There were sudden flashbacks to her attempts to make food before. Only grateful that the castle was too old to have fire alarms as various times she had caught the oven on fire rolled through her head. Not just the oven, but the stovetop, the kitchen counter, the poisons she kept on the table, even her alcohol, not to mention she somehow caught the sink on fire. She would never live that one down.

“ So yes, I am a master baker and can bake anything I want to. I just-- simply don’t ever feel a need to since I don’t need to eat bakery items and can sustain myself off blood or other things of the sort. As such it’s never been an issue for me. “

#SadSack PHD #Delicious Knowledge // IC #Bookmarked // Queue

[academicgangster]

Fill in the blank meme: thoughts on 'being alone'?

Physically, I don't mind being alone. I like quiet; I have massive sensory issues that mean I actively need significant periods of silence in order to survive. I have, in the past, been driven to breakdown by sustained noise, by not having enough alone time, and by being surveilled. I enjoy company, but if it's long-term, for the sake of my mental health it needs to be company that doesn't violate the sanctity of my lair.

Spiritually, I don't know what it's like not to feel alone. This is due to some combination of my very obvious neurodivergence, my severe chronic illness in childhood, the deliberate isolation inflicted on me until my early twenties, and the fact that I'm queer and feminist in a very homophobic and misogynistic country. I have friends irl, but they're all in different cities and they all have different life paths, and I have always been more the confidante and the emotionally relied upon than ever able to rely on anyone myself. All my really close friends, the ones I'd be on 'having coffee over the weekend' terms with, are internet friends who live not only in different countries but different time zones; in my work life and my life outside of work, I consistently feel much more alone when I'm among people than I have ever felt when I'm physically alone. (I'll never forget watching the news of the Section 377 verdict - striking down the law that made being queer illegal - on the office television, and everyone else in that office just going about their day completely unaffected. It's unsurprising that the lockdowns have been good for my mental health.) And queer spaces here are vastly dominated by young students who have no idea what they're doing in life. So it's a kind of spiritual isolation that it's very hard to do anything about, and while I am alive thanks to being able to find interesting conversations and like souls on the internet, it's still extremely difficult even to think about it in the day-to-day. I think it's necessary for life to have friends who like you and who you can rely on for support, and I'm deeply grateful for the internet because it's highly likely that without it, I never would have found any.

Romantically, I am currently no longer alone, but I was for several years and my opinion about this has not changed: it is vastly better to be alone than to have a partner who treats you badly, and it is also vastly better to be alone than to jump into something you're not ready for. I'm not an easy person to love, but I know what it's like to just be put up with in a relationship, and I don't regret spending several years alone (before my current partner and I decided to make a go of it) instead of remaining in the situation with my ex a day longer. I will always maintain that you need to learn to be alone before you can be with someone else; not enough people bother to learn that, and that's the root of a lot of unhappiness and a lot of outright evil in this world.

#box chatter #anonymous #thoughts on meme #thoughts on being alone #life philosophy flashcards #i guess lol #thank you for asking anon!

[missspringthyme]

February 17th, 2024

Last night, third culture australian (TCA) sent me several paragraphs of text about a problem that I can't keep telling him the same thing about. Responding would lead to an hour+ conversation where I repeat the same things that I (and Finnish roommate!) have said to him over and over while he acts like it's a revelation. I know what's happening, I've seen it in others, and I've experienced it myself. He's hoping that the unfair things in his life will change around him without him doing any changing himself. Like a continuous mexican standoff between him and his problems. I think venting is good, and more people should do it, but if all you do is vent and sit in the same spot I have very little sympathy. A lot of people have assumed that I am going to try to be a therapist because people just end up telling me things, but the truth is I wouldn't be able to last a year.

Roughly 70% of the notifications on my phone come from TCA sending me stuff on instagram and whatsapp, initially I tried responding or reacting to each one but it just got too much. Now I only send something occasionally, which means unfortunately that when I do react he takes it as me finally deaming one of the memes he's sent me as funny enough to react to, which means he continually brings it up to me.

I've already written about how my reserves for him are pretty low and I haven't had the chance to recharge, the phone thing is a huge part of it. It's like I can never get a moment of peace. 99% of interactions I have with him are bids for my attention and energy, and it has not been a sustainable model for me,

So, I used the excuse of a headache to not have to deal with him or the wall of texts he sent me. I spent most of the day in my room, and managed to get some things checked off my to do list and play some games. I can feel that I'm tightly wound right now and my #1 priority is to be reducing my stress levels over the next couple of days. That means leaving the apartment more.

I will text German Sri Lankan soon, and I'm going to ask Finnish Roommate to go on a walk. She's the only person in this apartment that I can be 100% honest with. I also did try to get entries to swim at the pool but I was unable to do so for the time being, so that will be a future goal.

In the meantime, my phone will be living on do not disturb.

#roommates #rat day #febuary