#mostly this is just me thinking aloud

[sixstepsaway]

changing alicent's backstory so drastically was such a horrible decision to make from a writing perspective

book!alicent is power hungry and wants her family on the throne. she's working with otto, she seduces viserys, she tries to deal with the problem of rhaenyra by marrying a teenage girl to her 2 year old son. she manipulates and schemes because she wants everything

rhaenyra and alicent are both intelligent, powerful, power-hungry women fighting within the bounds of patriarchy and misogyny to try and get what they want, and alicent goes one way (knocking anyone out of the way and putting her male child on the throne) and rhaenyra the other (ignoring the patriarchy as if it means nothing and sitting on the throne herself).

in the show, alicent has been split into two characters shoved into one body. you have the book alicent who has to put her son on the throne, who wants power and glory and hates rhaenyra for what she represents, and you have the teenage show alicent who never wanted any of this at all, and was groomed and manipulated by otto into seducing an adult man for otto's goals.

all the way through the show it's otto pulling the strings, otto fighting for power, otto who wants the hightowers on the throne, not alicent. alicent reaches out to rhaenyra again and again because half of her character is the teenager who was best friends with her, but they kept in the other half, the cruel half that judges rhaenyra's choices and destroys her life at every turn

it's ridiculously jarring to watch alicent argue over the truth about rhaenyra's children, knowing that she knows that if that truth came out, rhaenyra and her children might just be put to death for their crimes (rhaenyra for having bastards, her children for being them), and then argue a few episodes later that killing rhaenyra in the chase for her own power is Bad, Actually

it's jarring to watch the young version of alicent in all the scenes where she's miserable and clearly showing all the signs of having been abused and hurt and forced, while in other scenes she seems fine and happy and reaches for viserys and seems to care very much for him

(to be clear, I do know that victims of abuse can be that way, that they can care for their abuser, and have mixed feelings when that abuser dies, but i don't trust the writers of this show to pull that one off, and they don't put enough energy into making it clear it is that way. not to mention that you don't see viserys himself abuse alicent aside from one sex scene where he checks on her and she reassures him that he should continue (i think? i'm pretty sure?). in the context of the world, alicent was old enough to get married and have children, much as rhaenrya was (although she waited until she was older because she was sifting through the options for her own suitor as a way of putting it off), and it was otto who groomed and abused her into being with viserys, pretending (?) to care for him and love him and want him. the only implication of anything untoward is when viserys asks alicent not to tell rhaenyra about their talks because "she wouldnt understand", which is a deliberate (? i think?) decision to make viserys sound like a child groomer, but it feels completely out of place when set against how viserys is portrayed the rest of the time and against the fact alicent was sent to him, he didn't seek her out or even know otto was setting them up)

I genuinely think the problem for me is that alicent feels like two different people, as i said. they made the decision to completely change her roots and motivations, but then while adapting the books kept big chunks of her actions and decisions in. it would have made more sense if she'd been secretly a black and otto was the one pulling all the strings, threatening her children and manipulating her, rather than somehow continuing to keep her being on the other side from rhaenyra and failing to balance that against her motivations

in fact, I don't... know alicent's motivations? viserys mutters something about wanting aegon on the throne, in her eyes, and...okay? and otto swears rhaenyra will kill alicent's children and she believes him? but also reaches out to her in 1x08 despite this?

alicent's motivations aren't power, she doesn't want power. she doesn't seem to want power for aegon either (she hates him, from what i can tell, and certainly doesn't trust him as far as she can throw him), all she really wants is for her children to be okay? why she married aegon and helaena to one another I have no idea? I know why the targaryens do it (to keep the bloodlines strong, give them more claim to the throne, keep the distinctive silver hair etc) but why did alicent do it, when she didn't even expect aegon to be on the throne?

up until the end of 1x08, she's anticipating queen rhaenyra? it's only when viserys hallucinates and dies that she thinks the plan has to change?

i also hate that everyone was scheming behind her back to put aegon on the throne. like, come on. the woman has absolutely no agency, both as a character and as a person

(to clarify what i mean by this: to take a character's agency away is a writing maneuver. choosing to turn alicent from personally power-hungry and making decisions based on that desire for power (seducing viserys, isolating rhaenyra, putting aegon on the throne) to someone who is simply bobbed about by the men in her life making decisions for her and scheming behind her back takes away the agency of the character.

to take a person's agency away is decisions made by otto and co to not tell her their plans. she was inconsequential. they forced a marriage on her, they forced children on her, she was used as a pawn and nothing more.

compare to rhaenyra, whose agency is taken away by viserys making her marry laenor as penance for what she did with daemon. her character still has agency: she chooses to pursue a relationship with harwin, she names (most of) her children, she makes her own decisions.

alicent the character nor the woman has any agency at all, and she should)

every time i think, "Oh no, I hate Alicent?" they switch flip her back to the other character and I go "oh no, I love Alicent" and then they flip her back. they gave her weird purity culture christian slut shamery as a reason to hate rhaenyra, then dropped it right after it reached its peak in 1x08 and had her reach out to rhaenyra despite nothing having changed (and how disgusted she was by the fact she was (allegedly) fucking daemon originally)

I love Alicent, I fucking adore her, but the lack of consistency keeps jarring me so bad I'm never sure if I love Alicent, the idea of Alicent, the young Alicent, the older Alicent or the book Alicent, because they're all so very different

i'm hoping maybe in s2 she'll be more consistent? but the decision to make a huge thing of her best friendship with rhaenyra has completely shredded most of the plot beats from the book, so they're going to have to change so much to make it work, i think?

also the idea that aemond could kill luke and then things could be okay again between rhaenyra and alicent is fucking laughable, not only because what the fuck alicent's son killed rhaenyra's son but also because alicent tried to murder rhaenyra when luke took an eye from aemond, so the idea that alicent might be like "hey, i'm sure this murder of your beloved son is forgivable <3" is so fucking funny to even consider

the girls would need a lot of fucking therapy and alicent would need to offer aemond's hands in penance at least for rhaenyra to even consider forgiveness

anyway they were so busy thinking "hey we could tell a cute lil first love semi-wlw sad little teen love story with this character and rhaenyra to make it hurt more" they never wondered if they fucking should

(and honestly, I think at least a chunk of this decision was rooted in racism. they decided to be outwardly anti-racist by making the velaryons black, which is gorgeous and i love that they did that, but then doubled down on being really racist (in my opinion!) by almost removing baela and rhaena from the plot entirely (and deleting all their scenes with their father), and by changing laena's everything so drastically and so cruelly.

they took away the fact she and rhaenyra were friends, that even when she and daemon were married, rhaenyra was often at her side, was there when she was pregnant, was there to support her, was possibly even lovers with her (replacing her with alicent in the show), and then changed her death from tragic and so very sad where she died from consequences of childbirth with her husband and her best friend by her side, sitting vigil over her, to... suicide by dragon when her child might have survived had she not had them both crispy fried? that's such a baffling and gross change of the plot and i hate it. justice for the real laena (in personality, not appearance - i love her casting so much and I wish we'd seen more of the actresses that played her))

#alicent hightower #alicent hightower meta #house of the dragon #i dont think this is actually an #anti-alicent hightower #post/meta? but i'll tag it that way for blacklisting purposes #mostly this is just me thinking aloud #hotd #dont come yell at me about this im just musing my feelings ok

[fluideli123]

Sonadow Fic Rec

Okay, before you jump down to the masterpieces listed below, I just wanted to state this:

These authors have given this phenomenal content for free, baked with time and effort. I have never once ignored this, hence why I try and comment on each and every one of these fics. However, my energy and ability to be verbose differs day to day. Some of these fics I have not given proper comments for, despite this, I will be on it the moment I can be. In the time being, (once I am able to find my comments on each of these fics) I will be sharing my adoration for them further in other posts (and most likely link back to this one).

With that being said, please, PLEASE take your time to check each of these fics out. If they're not your cup of tea? Valid! But hands down I have never dedicated myself to making a fic rec like this until now. But I MUST share and spread these works, they are much too dear to me not to, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

(All fics are listed by order saved in my bookmarks, not in the order read)

tangled threads and bite-marked shoulders by @rubyiiiusions

Words: 32,287 | Series | Complete

Shadow hissed in pain. The laser had just grazed him, but it still stung, and he instinctively gripped the wound it left on his arm. “You dare-” He stopped. The laser hadn’t hit him. In fact, it had struck Sonic, right on his lower left arm. So why did his forearm feel like it just got shot? He whipped around, fear climbing up his throat, and he suddenly became hyper-aware of something new. It was like a sixth sense, feeling the confusion that emitted from Sonic’s fur in waves as if it was his own. “What did you do?!” Shadow snarled. or, eggman accidentally soulbinds shadow and sonic, and no one has any idea how to undo it.

Sleepwalking by Tirainy

Words: 22,117 | Complete

'There is a strong arm curled around his torso, the appendage keeping him close to its owner, whose warm breath is ghosting over the back of his neck. Sonic is sure he went to bed alone the previous night, but he isn't worried about the intruder. After all, this isn't the first time this has happened…'

Secret Admirer by @trenchcoat-gecko

Words: 24,313 | Complete

Sonic understood well what it meant to be loved. He was a world-famous hero, after all; his presence never went unnoticed. For the most part, he lavished in that attention, he soaked it in and encouraged it. But not romantic attention. So, when the blue blur found himself falling in love? Well, the prospect was rather daunting, no matter how easy Amy had made it out to be. So maybe, just maybe, he should just take the easy way out...

Rose Drops Series by @magicstormfrostfire

Words: 122,489 | Series | Complete

Love, Intuition, and a little bit of magic ensues as Amy sends Sonic and Shadow on an unforgettable adventure.

Wolfboy by @trenchcoat-gecko

Words: 73,856 | Complete

World-famous monster hunter Shadow the Hedgehog has a job to do. It doesn't take long for the one-shot wonder to realize that this job won't be as simple as he'd expected: a small town, rumors of a lone werewolf, and a handsome, green-eyed, chronically-injured casanova who manages to worm his way into Shadow's heart... What starts off as a simple job turns out to be something much more life-changing.

Blizzard Bedfellows by @magicstormfrostfire

Words: 21,294 | Complete

When a rare blizzard takes over the island, Sonic is on the run to make sure a certain angry loner is safe and sound. Y-you know, because...uh that's what heroes do.

We never met but can we have a cup of coffee or something? by @whitejungle

Words: 3,630 | Complete

It's been almost two months since Sonic lost someone he didn't even know, but he can't stop thinking about it.

Clean Slate by nottheweirdest

Words: 155,880 | Complete | Note: Squeal pending and I am cheering you on author!! Whatever you decide I am excited to support you!!

Shadow has lost himself before. He knows what it's like to straddle the line between reality and false memories, but this time, it’s Sonic whose memory has vanished. A premeditated set of circumstances and an accidental injury leave Sonic with no memory of who he is, his life, or more importantly, his painful history with Shadow. It’s up to Shadow to remind the hero who he is in the midst of a global outbreak. It’s a chance for redemption. It’s a chance to right the wrongs of the past. It’s a clean slate.

say i reckon (i love you, for a millisecond) by @redamancering

Words: 30,205 | Complete

There’s a hand on his shoulder, barely making contact. A red gauntlet glows around the wrist. Sonic blinks, the pain having evaporated so fast he feels almost weightless. “Shadow?” Shadow’s breathing heavily. “Problem.” The retrieval of the ancient tech Shadow (and Sonic, in tow) has been sent to uncover takes a turn for the worst. In this case, the “worst” means… becoming physically and inextricably linked to each other. For the foreseeable future. OR: Metaphysical handcuffs, and general gay buffoonery.

Judge my sins, not my feelings by yellothebeeloved

Words: 228,479 | Complete | Note: Possible one-shots pending from the author for the series, I am here to support you author!! What ever you decide I'm here for it!

Maybe he's not meant to touch. It's the newest excuse he thought of in hopes that he could prolong the game a little more; a careful ruse to enjoy the bittersweet torture of seeing the days pass them by, while he pretends he doesn't seek azure blue whenever he's restless. At first, all he wanted to do was watch: but now the desire to touch, to have, to affect is at a point where he's not sure whether reaching for Sonic would truly be fruitless. He wonders that especially when Sonic's eyes light up upon seeing him. When he corners Shadow, when he invades his space and he touches and takes and then excuses it by calling it a fight. Shadow truly wonders then: if only he was brave enough to reach out, what would his grip find? Loose stars or a battle-worn body? Standing up, he glances at Sonic again, whose eyes have now met his own. There's something heavy in the eye contact, something Shadow doesn't dare name. Neither of them say anything, and yet Sonic's eyes move away from him again, like they did. Shadow warps away, hiding from the stars once more.

Child of Prophecy by @trenchcoat-gecko

Words: 139,321 | Completed

On the night the Mobius Castle was ransacked, the Queen received a prophecy. “One of three will not cry; send him down the river, for you can only save your kingdom if he does not grow up royal.”

Coming Home by nottheweirdest

Words: 55,740 | Completed

Shadow's life has been full of mistakes, some worse than others, but admitting his unrequited feelings to Sonic tops the list. He's spent the better part of a decade ruminating on his regret and hiding from feelings he couldn't bear to face. He never thought he'd see Sonic again, and he told himself that was for the best. Until now. At the bequest of his former rival, and in an attempt to finally get closure, Shadow has returned to Central City. The reason? Sonic the Hedgehog is marrying Amy Rose. And Shadow is invited.

#I hope you all understand how many of these I have been in call reading to my friends #How many I have tried to draw shadow and sonic for #how many of them inspire my own writing #How I have dreamed about these fics so often I wouldn't be suprised if it rivaled my time fighting sleep to finish them in mere days #Also the AMOUNT of times I've wanted to pull out my microphone and read them aloud #Even though I would be absolutely horrible at reading them like audio books but you know what? fuck it #For these fics I would read them aloud the best I can #GOD JUST #I cant imagine a world where I never read these and its scary to think if they were never shared #Mostly because they actually genuinely impacted me in meaningful ways #I've cried real tears and felt such genuine emotion that I've been changed #Even if it's int he smallest bit #But it happened ya know? #Just- god I love you fic authors sm #Your work is never lost not to me #fox speaks #sonadow #fic #fic rec #fanfiction #writing #fanfic #sonic #sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #sonic x shadow #sonic fanfiction #sonic underground #sonic universe #sonic prime

[aingeal98]

Having Bruce and Cass and the Robins thoughts and they're a bit messy and jumbled so bear with me.

Idk how to explain why the Bruce and Cass messed up but loving dynamic is so much more appealing to me than his toxic relationship with his other kids but I guess it's because the entirety of Batgirl 2000 understands that Bruce is not a perfect parent. His flaws and virtues are both deliberately and carefully written and his relationship with Cass is so layered and it makes it so that I can both laugh and cringe, appreciate the sweet moments and rage at some of his more shitty moves. It's not perfect but overall the writing is just GOOD, and there's enough material to form a solid core of understanding even when their dynamic grows past Cass's solo run. This is Cass and Bruce and this is how they tick and no writer has been able to thoroughly screw that up no matter how hard some of them were pushed to by editorial.

Compare that to how he's written with his other kids, where every writer has their own version and some have him be a perfect dad and others have him be shitty and frame it as "He's got this darkness in him" while another group of writers have him absolutely brutalise his kids or neglect them or gaslight them for angst all while knowing the kids will never receive any sort of narrative justice for this because he's Batman and he's the big flagship hero. There is no single run you can point to and say yes this here showcases the heart of the dynamic between him and Tim or him and Damian, no single run so good that all other comics about their dynamic use it as their basis for this bond between father and child. There is no consistency and no communication or understanding between writers or even an attempt to pick up what the other puts down. Batman comics will have him be a good parent or a bad parent but either way it will be all about Him. Batfamily comics tend to have him just be absolutely awful and then a few months later they have to pretend it never happened because the main bat books want to make him a good parent again.

It's all shock value that rarely lasts past the arc and writer. When Tom Taylor has Dick hug Bruce and call him dad I'm remembering that time Bruce beat him into a bloody pulp or backhanded him across the face and Dick never got to call him out on it. But we're not meant to be thinking about that in Taylor's run because this is a Good Dad Bruce comic. Taylor's Bruce and Dick dynamic is completely different to the New 52 dynamic the same way that dynamic is different to Wolfman's which is different to the original Batman and Robin. And that variety can be a great thing when it comes to comics but the downside here is that you can pick Bruce's "good dad" comics or you can pick his abusive asshole comics but you cannot find the middle ground that Batgirl 2000 hit because (controversial opinion I guess) it doesn't exist for the batboys and no writer has successfully managed to pull all the different comics together and create one.

Fans have tried. Fans have pieced together a decent narrative from the mess of inconsistencies, taking the moments of almost cartoonish abuse and the moments where Bruce is shown to care, and forming the image of a complicated and nuanced abusive parent from it all. But the great thing about Batgirl 2000 is you don't have to do all that effort of trying to make the happy fluffy hero batman and the edgy punches his sons Batman fit into one character. The writing does it and does it in a more realistic fashion too, which is saying something considering the big Bruce and Cass emotional fight is solved by Bruce letting them both get drugged and fight bloodlusted. I do think there are moments when it hypes Bruce's bad parenting up a tiny bit but compared to the absolute mess that is the writing of say, Bruce and Jason? It's just so much easier to actually engage with. Being on the same page as a narrative instead of chafing against it is just a much better way for me to read comics.

That's not to say there isn't any kind of narrative and canon dynamic for Bruce and the Robins. Tim's Robin run, Dick's various runs, UTRH, Batman and Robin etc. Just that for me none of them hit that balance Cass and Bruce's dynamic succeeded in hitting during Batgirl 2000. And to be fair it's harder to hit that balance when you're working with characters who have been through the hands of so many different authors before landing on your doorstop. UTRH probably comes closest but unfortunately everything that came after that did manage to shake the emotional foundation utrh set up to the point you can look back on it and wonder if Bruce cared about Jason much at all, despite the writer clearly not wanting it to be seen that way.

Not sure how much sense this makes but to me it's the difference between a bad parent Bruce I am actually interested in engaging with and a bad parent Bruce where I just want the kids to team up and knock his teeth out.

#dc #cassandra cain #batfam #bruce wayne #dc rambles #This is a very long and very rambley ramble. Sorry if you've made it to the end and are confused #I'm not sure if I had a point or if I was just thinking aloud #And I'm sure others will disagree with me here #But this was mostly me trying to tease through why I can accept comics making Bruce a good dad to Cass #And enjoy it fully. Whereas with the Robin boys I'm like hmm OK #but are you going to address any of the messed up stuff he put them through just last month #“he cares and he's not good at it but he's trying (but jury's still out on how successful his attempts are) " #Vs “he cares and he's good at it PYSCH he needs to be locked up on child abuse charges! Wait jk! it's batman he's a hero don't worry.”

[kingedmundsroyalmurder]

Thinking about it more, I think maybe part of why the Redfern thing is weird for me and why I was so utterly blindsided by it is that it never once occurred to me that "Dr. Redfern" was a real person. Or at least not a currently living person.

I think this is a time thing. I live in hellyear 2023, where corporations are people and brands are soulless monsters papering over their sins with the masks of their long dead founders. I don't expect Dr. Redfern to be real in the way I don't expect Mrs. Butterworth to be real or Dr. Bronner (of the soap company) to still be alive. Whereas LMM was writing in the 1920s, when meeting the self-made millionaire whose name is all over the radio is a thing that could plausibly happen, if only to a very select few. I think the whole thing might well read as way less weird to a reader at the time.

Which makes me think that the modern AU equivalent isn't that Barney is a secret Walton or a secret Disney or something but that he's secretly the kid of a musician or a sports star. Like, Valancy comes home and finds John Elway waiting for her. Or, like, a game show host who's very well known and very rich but also kind of a joke. Like, if the whole story had been peppered with Valancy seeing George Clooney advertising Nescafe and Cousin Stickles drinking only Nescafe because she trusted only George Clooney with her coffee, and then Valancy finds out at the 11th hour that her husband is secretly George Clooney's kid, it might not have been quite so jarring. Because George Clooney is a real person who exists for me, whereas, like, Dr. Scholl is not.

#blue castle book club #mostly just thinking aloud here #also this is why they don't let a-list actors do product commercials in their primary markets #because george clooney is inescapably linked with french language nescafe commercials for me #and that's probably not the first thing his people want me thinking of when i think of their client you know?

[sidereon-spaceace]

Concept: an upper limit to how much magic you can use to heal someone

Like how desperately chugging gallons of water in a span of minutes will kill you, how eating far too much food than you're used to can make you sick- in similarly extreme cases, casting too much magic to heal someone from serious injury can cause more problems than you're trying to fix.

Sudden onset of fever and chills, burns, after a certain point the body may just outright reject the magic being applied so that it has no affect.

#ramblings #something something 'poison isnt about the substance it's in the size of the dose' #on a. less mystical and more blunt level the human body does not like sudden spikes of energy being put into it #that's usually called things like 'sunburns' or 'radiation poisoning' #even if in this case that energy is being used to try and get the body to mend itself #even if someone is stabilized you cant just stand there and constantly hum a spell to make the healing go by quicker unless you want consies #this is mostly just me thinking aloud for a very specific scene i have in mind for Skysail #in which Mr. Sid Sibyl has a Very Bad Time but that's ok cuz he ends up alright (barely) :)

[cherryjuicegf]

diversity win!! the white rich famous singer-who-became-actor due to his fame that they cast to play a gay cop is allegedly not straight according to fans studying him for a decade!!

#no offense but <3 #i saw a post about not assuming identities and people might be closeted and leaving behind the fact that i'm wary of this man well #yes!! he may be queer!! but hey how about you hire a lesser known queer actor who needs the money!! and is more talented!! (objective) #if you so want representation!! (of a cop yes but let's not now) #also like that's my opinion. not a personal attack. just saying cause i have seen things #i just wanted to think aloud and i don't like hs a lot don't mind me #and someone just posted the my p*liceman book on instagram #chrysa speaks #anti harry styles #mostly neutral but for filering

[velvetineblue]

idk if anyone else can Relate or get this, but... is it weird that I feel cringey and self-conscious sometimes about being a mostly single muse blog… ? because 99% of my rp friends have multi’s or run multiple blogs and I've only known a couple people like me who almost entirely write one muse…… and most aren’t active anymore. so sometimes i'm like “what’s wrong with meeeeee” shshsjja

formal apology for being like this ajsjjsj I really wish it wasn’t so tbh— I have so many other muses I’d like to give more spotlight to, and I also want to write a bigger variety of things with my moots, things that don't apply or work for Tai. but… I just can’t motivate myself to rp my other oc’s consistently. and this fact annoys me too tbh ajsjjsj perhaps more than it annoys anyone else … this is probably why I bully tai so much: it gets on my NERVEs how he monopolizes most of my rp muse 😒😒 MAYBE IT'S WHY I PUT HIM THROUGH SO MUCH ANGST. it's what he deserves for being an attention-hungry brat.....

#especiallyyyyy in places outside of tumblr. single muses are super rare outside of tumblr rpc from my experience?? #mostly I'm sorry that I can't deliver more variety in my writing; I fear it makes my writing a bit boring compared to multis😅😅 #but I have many amazing multi-muse friends I can recommend tho * jazz hands at my moots * #it doesn’t highlyyyy bother me tho bc i love writing tai sm..... so no need for reassurance or anything sjdjjsj #just thiNKING ALOUD--

[emblazons]

forewarning - (not all that serious but still) medical / body + anxiety talk so please skip if that makes you uncomfortable

My health anxiety has been so thru the roof lately 😭

Seven weeks ago now I was told I had high blood sugar levels (diabetes + high blood pressure run in my family, and my dad had a minor heart attack at 55 just this last November) so it freaked me out enough to totally rearrange my diet (healthily) to repair it. Honestly it’s has gone really well—I feel so much more alert + workouts go better + I’ve lost 15 lbs of the 30-ish I plan to lose (sounds like a lot but also…I’m really tall lmao).

That said…I’ve just been stressed beyond belief about getting bloodwork done because I’m scared that despite all my positive changes—and even though it’s been such a short time relatively—something will come up? Which wouldn’t be an issue, except all this health concern has made the physical symptoms of my anxiety worse, which feeds this vicious spiral of anxiety causing physical symptoms causing anxiety.

I know logically that doesn’t track—and that I’m doing everything I should be doing + can feel and see a difference in my health—but…my brain will not accept it in the slightest. Like. I had a whole ass panic attack (shaking, crying, hyperventilating) at the doctors office over a regular checkup, which is why the blood work is happening in the first place LMAO

That combined with the fact that a week ago I cut my hand deep washing dishes (the space between my ring + pinky finger on my dominant hand) and had to go to the ER for stitches?? I’m all over the place over here, and while I know all of this is necessary + I can’t control if I get seriously sick anyway…I’m just fucking STRESSED.

Anxiety is the worst. Especially white coat syndrome.

#anxiety makes things 300x worse than they actually are honestly #and while I’m ‘high functioning’ af it’s still a disaster internally jsksksjd #also I am genuinely okay. this is mostly just me leaking my anxious thoughts aloud #I just think being single + living alone and only having (admittedly loving) support from a distance is making me spiral a bit over here lm #the me tag

[starfall-sea]

so i've been wondering how wiz handles transparent textures, as all the .dds texture files i've got don't have an alpha channel. im sure its handled in the game engine, and i think it might be a process similar to removing greenscreen backgrounds: declaring a color value that is treated as transparent. that would explain, for example, how the transparency for the shadow palace models works, as the transparent color there is a mint green, alongside the vast majority of textures that use black to demarcate transparency

#this is mostly just me thinking aloud #wiz uses a lot of transparency in textures #its a good way to fake having more geometry than there is #cae speaks #w101 models #<- catch all tag

[milkweedman]

Attempting some tablet weaving for the first time. I have essentially no idea what im doing--i did watch a few videos which mostly went in one ear and out the other, as well as look for some written guides which were completely indecipherable if for no other reason than Reading Hard.

The warping was fiddly but straightforward, and the first several inches are totally botched bc i wasnt really creating a clean warp shed bc i had no idea what belonged to what half, but after i figured that out it got way neater ! I'm not really concerned about how it looks though. This first attempt will serve its purpose either way, which is to be a bag handle so that i don't have to crochet or knit one. Yes i did finally try tablet weaving just to avoid knitting or crocheting more straps.

Also wow, these cards really arent going to last very long. I pulled them out of the 5 deck hand and foot set (hence why they're all 3s, since thats the worst card to get and i figured removing a few wouldnt be missed), but if id realized they deteriorate so fast i definitely would have just used something else. Oh well though.

Also, i had a feeling this would hurt my back, and indeed it does. I lasted about 10 minutes before it was too much. Might need to use a chair next time.

#was talking to my fiance about dyslexia earlier and have been thinking abt it a lot recently #was diagnosed as a teenager at the same time as the adhd #mostly dont think abt it and generally considered it not to affect me that badly #but i have a theory abt why i csnt read anymore and why written patterns are SO hard to follow #which is that i think reading for me takes a LOT of mental energy and focus #and if im low on that for whatever reason anything more than a few sentences is just utterly insurmountable and i can't read it #its even worse in any language other than english which baffled me for years #but ! my fiance was telling me how he has an easier time reading english than anything else bc he practiced SO MUCH trying to read normally #in english but didn't do the same in hindi or anything else #which like. oh. yeah. i also tried way harder with english bc that's what school was in and i was desperate to not be seen as stupid #which also explains why reading aloud in any language other than english is so so hard #reading hamlet aloud for english lit: god this sucks but i do love hamlet #reading dante's inferno (french translation) aloud in french lit: oh my god i hate every second of this and i think i will die from nerves #reading childrens poetry aloud in russian for my intro to russian class: if i dropped dead right now that would be preferable #and like my russian pronunciation was not the problem here #i could have a conversation with my teacher in russian okay #and i know cyrillic ! no problems there #but having to read it aloud ?? exhausting and miserable #anyway. all of this to say that i am not using patterns bc trying to mix reading with learning a new thing is just. not happening #backstrap weaving #tablet weaving

[nepenthean-sleep]

i wonder if roman lictors being associated with the symbol fasces and lyctors being tools of jod’s fascist-imperialist agenda was intentional on tazmuir’s part.

also, in the biblical book of judith, judith was known for beheading an enemy commander. i wonder if we’ll see something related to that in ntn.

#gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #nona the ninth #the locked tomb #i wont tag this as analysis because its mostly just me thinking aloud #just been looking up stuff out of curiosity bc its summer and im bored lmao #neph.txt #neph tltposting

[bumblingbabooshka]

What if Tuvok didn’t want to read the letter from T’Pel at first because he was (deep down - he’d never admit to this of course) nervous that she had in fact done the logical thing and moved on. She absolutely could have, couldn’t she? She’s on Vulcan with so many options and it’d be illogical for him to expect her not to, she didn’t even know he was alive after all. It’d be logical to- But then he hears that she’s still calling him her husband and praying for his safe return. And suddenly he very much wants to read it.

#Tuvok: NEELIX! You read my letter!? (Uhh;;).....Read it out loud to me v_v (Ok~) #and then when he wants to be alone he's like 'I think I'll read the rest /myself./' as if Neelix started reading aloud apropro of nothing #we love a couple of worsties #Also Tuvok saying that the temple his family went to to pray for him is the HOLIEST place on his homeland...what a brag <3 #I wonder if its a long journey to get there. It must be! But they all still went. He SHOULD brag about it it's such a sweet gesture #I was wondering why Tuvok had a whole holodeck program with monks in it (in that ep where Tom & Harry put silly hats on em or something) #turns out its his church program~!! You /know/ he got his kids up ear-LY for that when they were little #I always draw Tuvok's kids as adults since he's an older Vulcan than most depicted (though still only around early middle age imh) #and I'm not gonna change that I have too much lore established #but realistically if Sek only recently went through pon farr (which seems to happen mostly in your 20s) then the rest of children would be #teenagers and children with Asil being a small child comparable to Naomi Wildman #The only time we see any of his children is Sek briefly and he seems to be talking about his 'studies' which could be mean he's some sort of #student. Like in Vulcan college. He's still a liberal arts major though - going from linguistics to music. #But lets just say in my canon Sek only recently went through /A/ Pon Farr which yielded a child but has had pon farrs before #Anyway its even more heartbreaking thinking about Tuvok having CHILDREN children who are missing him for seven years and who think he's dead #ANYWAY I love T'Pel who is just as illogical loyal to Tuvok as he is to her #virgin reaffirming of love: Dear Tuvok I love you so much I've thought of no one else and I believe wholeheartedly we'll reunite #chad reaffirming of love: MY HUSBAND. I have taken our family to the HOLIEST TEMPLE POSSIBLE in order to pray for your safe return. #T'Pel's letter juxtaposed with Mark's letter is really AAAA #and they /MUST/ know each other. Idk how close they'd be but Janeway is Tuvok's best friend and Mark was going to be husband so they /MUST./ #OH also the fact that T'Pel is one of the first of THREE people to get her letter in and the other two are: #'All your friends are dead Chakotay' and 'Kathryn I've long since given you up for dead and have someone else' #T'Pel pushing those letters aside like HIIII TUVOK~!!! <3 It was of the UTMOST importance that you know I love you 5ever <3<3 #and she was right it was #You just know every letter batch has one from T'Pel. Every single one. #Tuvok/T'pel

[avaantares]

Me: /slaps every character in this scene/

(rant begins below cut)

Spoilers for episode 19 of Guardian (though at this point I think I'm the last C-drama fan on the internet to watch it)

.

Look, I realize this show didn't have a budget. I can handwave the """absolute zero laboratory""" with its five-foot-tall open ventilation fan, vinyl-covered medical exam table, shelves of uninsulated supplies, and several inbuilt LCD screens that would not survive hitting zero Fahrenheit, much less zero Kelvin. I can shrug off the fact that none of our heroes thought of removing the lift-out hinge pins that are clearly visible on the INSIDE of the door and just walking out of the room. It's a little harder to rationalize the choice not to block the relatively small hole through which the refrigerated air is blowing into the room, and it's kind of ridiculous that even though one of the people locked in the lab has the ability to produce flame at will, nobody attempted to build a fire out of any of the flammable materials lying around (like, say, the cotton ropes, or the gauze and alcohol in the first aid kit, or anything in the boxes of lab supplies) to stay warm. All those things are silly but largely forgivable, because constructing a more accurate set or adding in more fire SFX might cost money the production just didn't have.

But WHY. for the love of thermodynamics. did nobody bother to PULL UP GUO CHANGCHENG'S HOOD when he's supposed to be tragically freezing to death?! IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE SHOT, GUYS. It doesn't cost extra!

Even a minute later when GCC passes out and Chu Shuzhi bundles him up in his own hooded coat, neither of the hoods are placed over his head. It's like they're purely decorative and absolutely not intended to be used for insulation.

#guardian #ava watches guardian #this rant is purely rhetorical because as an actor I know exactly how these things happen (or don't) but it still drives me a bit crazy #i mean if the director doesn't want costumes adjusted between shots b/c of continuity then nobody has the authority to argue w/them #but this is why we have a person whose job on set is continuity (assuming guardian had one of those... which it may not have) #I mean I've gotten in serious trouble on set just b/c I spoke up about safety issues because set culture has incredibly toxic hierarchies #and depending on your department you aren't allowed to speak up if people from certain other departments are on the scene #which is partly because of unions but mostly because producers and directors have high probability of being narcissists #at least as an actor you're allowed to speak which is more than some other staff can do #once when I was working crew i was doing last looks on an actor who wondered aloud about the usage of a word in the script #and since I was familiar with the term I just answered without thinking #and the director heard me and gave me a look that could have fried bacon at thirty paces #because How Dare I speak to an actor on set despite the fact that I was responsible for their entire appearance (on that particular film) #anyway I've only worked in the u.s. and I have no idea how chinese set hierarchies are structured so this is basically irrelevant #also this is so deep in the notes that nobody is reading anymore so

[emelkae]

Some chaotic trickster fae has cursed me for my hubris when it comes to dialogue, I think

I've been asked to do an excerpt reading of Wannabe at an event in like two weeks. Which is great!! Dream come true!!! Except!!!!

Wannabe is loaded with dialogue. And the characters have this specific way of speaking that I absolutely cannot emulate out loud. The only sections that aren't dialogue-heavy are Sharpe brooding or the Engineer brooding and you need context for those.

What am I gonna doooo ahhhhhh

#i mean i could always just not do it but i want to get out of my comfort zone #despite the fact that the whole idea of reading my work aloud to anyone makes me want to throw up #literally what am i going to do. i have no idea #i was thinking of doing the scene where the Engineer introduces the War Machines to Briar since it's mostly the Engineer talking #but I'd still have to read his words out loud with my mouth ahaha #anyway here starts my descent into madness as i worry way too much about something that's really not a big deal #me.

[simptasia]

i genuinely can’t tell at this point if david dastmalchian is like Weird Looking or not, because i find him so fucking beautiful, like he’s really an exquisite looking being. based on this i think he might be on the borderline between kinda weird looking and genuinely rather dashing. but i’m not the best judge of this

#he's like in a quantum state between conventionally and unconventionally attractive #BUT!! its possible i've just straight up forgotten what conventions are #because in my experience Conventionally Attractive Men are mostly boring looking and i can't hold onto what they look like #david is not boring to look at. and i can't forget that face (affectionate) #im not dunking im just thinking aloud. hey could somebody who hasn't seen david before look him up and tell me if he's weird looking hdsgfuj #like im curious. he's put himself down before and im like ''what. whats the problem. who hurt you. i'll kill them'' #anyways. uh. drip and gush and so forth

[mysteroads]

So... I'm Gonna Make a Series

Hello! Just me, shouting into the void and waving at the dozen-ish(?) people who follow me. Hello, you poor fools. 👋🏻 I mean, friends!

Anyhoo... gonna turn all my little fics into a proper series. Yaaaay! 🎉They were always meant to go together, though I try to write them to be self-contained. There's enough of them now they need to be ordered--especially if I'm going to actually build to a climax and fight ancient gods and such--so gonna do that. 🤔

(Also, finally wrote a fic that's in a different category, so need to separate them... 'cause they might fight if I leave them alone together, like cats. Also also, I need to sleep more before I write these posts, I'm anthropomorphizing my own creations and thinking I'm just so funny 😜.)

Well, now all I need to do is *name* the wretched thing! So much fun! (Heck, feel free to toss me suggestions if you've read my stuff. If not, go read them! They're not too bad, if I'm allowed to toot my own horn.)

#fanfiction #writing #ao3 #Just thinking aloud mostly #new series #pray for me ya'll #notes from me #My Works