#my parents tried to drill the multiplication tables into me and no matter what my brain just would not budge

[aangarchy]

I binged heartstopper s2 through work yesterday and i have Things To Say but i'll just start with this: i hc that Nick has dyscalculia

Listen when he opened his maths exam and instead of equations or diagrams he saw a bunch of squiggles which messed with his head is such an accurate portrayal of what it's like to do math with dyscalculia. Not as in they actually become squiggles but more as in it feels like you're looking at a foreign language and no matter how hard you try you cannot make sense of it.

Personally i can do simple sums but anything more than that and it just stops making sense. At a certain point you don't even know what you're calculating anymore and you get extremely frustrated with yourself. And when you talk to others about it usually they'll be like "oh yeah i get it i hate math too" but the thing is, i actually enjoy math and it's really satisfying when it works. But for me the issue is that more often than not i end up confused before i can even solve it. I don't hate math i just genuinely can't do it.

Dyscalculia is such an unknown learning disorder. A friend of mine did her thesis on learning and behavioral disorders for youth in prisons, and she made the remark that no matter how hard she looked she could barely find any research papers to use in her thesis on dyscalculia. All of it was dyslexia, adhd and the like. Each time people ask i have to explain what dyscalculia is, and each time they go "oh you don't know your multiplication tables? That's kind of silly" and it truly grinds my gears. This impacts my daily life immensely. A cashier will hand me my change and i just have to trust they're correct because i cannot count that fast. When i ask someone for the time and they just show me their analog watch in response i want to bite their hand off, bonus points if that watch has roman numbers. There's several tasks that take me way longer than it should at work because i get lost in calculating the price for something simple,

Anyway, Nick has dyscalculia 2023 and i will not take no for an answer.

#you know that meme that goes 'this is what it's like to do math homework with your dad' #that was daily life for me #my parents tried to drill the multiplication tables into me and no matter what my brain just would not budge #i don't have analog clocks in my house bc it takes me longer to read them #if you ask me any simple sum and you catch me off guard with it i'll start crying lmaooo #heartstopper #heartstopper s2 #heartstopper spoilers #heartstopper tv #heartstopper netflix #nick nelson #kit connor #alice oseman #osemanverse #hs #netflix #heartstopper season 2

[silvercrystalwhump]

The Town's Matron

TW: starvation, hunger, parental abuse, bbu warning

Flynn watches Kai out of the corner of his eye. Using one of Flynn’s mechanical pencils, Kai draws on the back of an old receipt. Eyes fully entranced on the pencil lines. Flynn pushes the shopping cart forward gently, so as to not disturb Kai who is sitting inside. A yawn leaves Flynn’s mouth as he looks across the shelves. The shopping list, if one could even call it that, sits clapped to the baby holder on the cart.

Holding up one of the sturdy backpacks, Flynn asks Kai, “Do you like this one?”

Kai eyes it for a second and hesitates before snapping to the chipper attitude he usually has and nods. Flynn blinks and looks back at the shelf, trying to follow where Kai flicked his eyes.

One thing he learned about box boys was that they never said no. That fact alone made Flynn worried for him.

What do they do to you to make you so compliant?

“Is there another one you like more?”

Kai pauses his drawing and slowly looks up at a green one. He points the pencil at it for a moment before going back to doodling. Flynn pulls the bag free from the shelf and holds it out. Kai beams and nods back at him, scrunching his nose like he usually does when he’s actually happy.

So, it’s safe to say that Kai really likes green.

Flynn looks over the price and the pockets of the bag. It’s made of decently sturdy material and is big enough to hold things other than one notebook. He slides it beside Kai in the cart and grabs the largest one he can see to go with it. These bags will need to hold a lot of things for a while.

Flynn tries to rub away the tiredness that eats at his vision. He had been driving for two hours before arriving at the nearest city to buy this stuff. He couldn’t do this in town. Everyone there knew him and someone would tell his father and he knew he would taste another piece of hell.

All of this needs to be yours and no one can know.

Kai sits in the cart surrounded by clothes for multiple seasons, bottles of soap, boxes of nonperishables, and a dozen donuts to use as a bribe for when Flynn returns to his Father’s house. One more month. That thought alone keeps Flynn going, keeping his eyes up. One more month until I take Kai and drive out west, leaving this hell behind.

Kai looks up and points behind him. Flynn looks over his shoulder and feels his stomach sink.

“Flynn!” an elderly woman, whom he knew well, cheers from across the aisle, “How are you?”

Pulling on his calm, practiced happy face, “I’m doing well Mrs. Dane, how are you and the family.”

“Oh excellent,” Mrs. Dane chirps, “The grandbabies are just so sweet and God has been good, what’s a young man like you doing this far out of town?”

“I could ask you the same,” Flynn smiles as he turns to the elderly woman. Mrs. Eliza Danes, the oldest woman in his small town and a woman who was respected. She is the kind of elderly woman with the tenderest heart but, at the flick of her eyes, could instill the fear of God into the devil himself.

“One of my kids lives out here sweetpea. Visiting the grandbabies, six, four, and three they are. All sweeter than honey! But you didn’t answer my question young man,” she beams as she looks past him into his cart, “And who’s he?”

“Oh, that’s Kai, he doesn’t do much speaking and well, something you just gotta come to the city for.”

Mrs. Dane raises a withered eyebrow, “Flynn, sweetie, you look like you haven’t seen a good warm meal in days. Whatcha doing with yourself?”

“Don’t worry, I’m walking on my own two feet.”

She smiles at him and says, “I don’t doubt it for a second honey. How ‘bout you come help little ol’ me finish shopping and come back with me to get you nice and fed.”

Flynn gives her a nervous smile, “I shouldn’t, my old man would wring my neck.”

And hurt Kai if he’s really mad.

Mrs. Dane drops her gaze and gives Flynn a knowing look before perking up again, “What did you eat last?”

A piece of toast yesterday morning.

“A sandwich for lunch, I’ll eat supper when I get home.”

Mrs. Dane shakes her head, “Lying does not please the Lord young man, and I know your father well enough to know exactly why you’re dodging this.”

“Mrs. Dane please-”

“Do not interrupt me young man, you and Kai are coming over to my house tonight and I’ma feed both of y’all, you hear? I do not care what your Father says I will personally escort to the Lord if he tries anyhing stupid.”

“Yes ma’am,” Flynn says, eyes on the floor and now very aware of the emptiness in his stomach.

Mrs. Dane looks up, “Now. Look at me.”

Flynn raises his eyes and meets Mrs. Dane’s. Fear eats at the lining of his stomach along with hunger. He feels his hands begin to shake against the cart handle.

“I remember when I was your age,” Mrs. Dane begins with a much softer voice, “There were alot more men like your Father raisin’ youngin’s and I know what that cart is for and you will be finishing the story after you're fed, is that correct?”

“Yes ma’am.”

Flynn turns around and locks eyes with Kai. Kai curled himself under Flynn’s hoodie and was watching the entire conversation. Unease reflects off the mirrors of his eyes. Flynn tries to give Kai a comforting smile but Kai sees through the facade like looking from a window.

Mrs. Dane talks about everyday things as they finish their shopping. The air presses into Flynn’s skin as he pays for what will be his salvation.

If Mrs. Dane doesn’t stop it before it even happens.

Kai helps Flynn stuff the bags into the area behind their seats. Flynn slides into the driver’s seat and Kai grabs his hand and gives him a sort of tender, questioning look. His slender fingers press into the hardened skin of his hand and send shivers up Flynn’s spine.

“It’s okay,” Flynn says, trying to reassure himself more than Kai, “Everything’s gonna be alright.”

Kai nods and lets go of Flynn’s hand. Kai returns to a still sitting position that he is sure is one of the numbered positions but he just doesn’t remember which one. Flynn lets a panic attack stew under the surface of his skin. The air in his lungs doesn’t taste right and it’s never enough. His vision is only clear on the road, his periphery blurred beyond usability.

Somehow, he makes it to the small log cabin next to the church.

Mrs. Dane lived alone, her husband passed a decade prior. Flynn, despite only being eight at the time, still remembers the suit his mother wrestled him into for the trip to the church. Mr. Dane was buried in the church cemetery.

Flynn steps out of his car and lets the crisp air of Fall snap him awake. Kai zips to his side, clinging to his arm. Kai’s fingers squeeze around Flynn’s arm and Kai nuzzles his nose into his shoulder. Flynn nods to himself and walks up towards the house, Kai on his heels.

He opens the door to let Kai and Mrs. Dane through before carrying all of her groceries into her home. All while, Flynn fights through the pain of hunger and fear. The ache of his stomach drags at his eyes. The emptiness in his gut almost feels too full and Flynn chokes back the urge to vomit up air.

Flynn can’t deny, the idea of any food in his stomach, no matter how revolting, was tempting.

Mrs. Dane gives him a warm smile, “Thank you, now about supper, I have a pork roast in the crockpot and I’m gonna bake up some potatoes for you and your little buddy. Now you two wash up and sit down.”

Flynn’s stomach growls and it takes every ounce of willpower he can muster to keep from curling in on himself. The cramps get worse by the second and they keep growing in area and intensity. Kai, after washing his hands, wraps Flynn in a hug. His eyes silently apologize.

Since Flynn has been giving Kai his food for the past couple of days.

Mrs. Dane finally calls them to the table. The food looks like gold and diamonds to Flynn. The pork is falling apart on itself and he can smell the spices and marinade from across the table. His mouth waters as he pushes Mrs. Dane into her chair.

Kai sits anticipatedly at the table, bouncing in his chair.

Flynn wraps an arm around his stomach as he sits. Mrs. Dane bows her head and says, “Let’s say grace.”

Flynn doesn’t hear what Mrs. Dane says as a prayer of thanks leaves her lips. The warm smell of food encapsulates his senses.

“Amen, Let’s eat.”

That’s all he had to hear.

If it weren’t for the years of table manners drilled into his skull, he might have ripped the pork out with his bare hands. He lets Mrs. Dane fills her plate first and then he fille Kai’s, out of both respect and to excuse the fact he wanted to eat everything on the table.

After the couple seconds that felt like years, he finally sunk his teeth into actual food.

His body just takes over after that and eats.

“Hasn’t eaten today hasn’t he?” Mrs. Dane says after a minute of Flynn snarfing down his food.

Kai, barely through a baked potato, shakes his head no.

Kai! Why do you betray me like this?!

“I knew it,” Mrs. Dane huffs, “I’ma kill that man, starving his son because of what, a lack of care!”

Flynn looks up and pauses eating, “I- It’s not- Um-”

Mrs. Dane shakes his head, “Let me tell you a story. When I was a young woman I had a sister, Anabel Peterson, she was a lot like you.”

Flynn shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He glances over and sees Kai leaning in, listening attentively.

“How so?” Flynn asks as he continues to stuff his face, slower now.

Mrs. Dane sighs, “Your Father likes to talk and most of the town knows that you… as we would call it back in my day, fruity.

That I’m gay. Yeah, he yelled it out in church last weekend.

“So was my sister, and she had… relations with a woman who was of a darker shade than we are. My Father found out one day and began to treat her very poorly and one morning I saw her grab similar things to what you have in your car and left. I have not seen her since.”

Flynn looks up from his plate and sees remorse and regret across the elderly woman’s face, “That must have been hard.”

“Yes,” she replies with a sigh, “I deeply regret not going after her, to take back many of the hurtful things I said.”

Kai looks back at Flynn and blinks. His eyes have a flavor of understanding that looked unfamiliar even to Kai. It is strange to behold. Flynn looks back at Mrs. Dane, “What are you getting at?”

“I know you plan to leave and never return, it is obvious and I do not blame you for the sentiment. I want to help you,” she says as she finishes her plate, “I know we will more than likely not see you again but I wish to at least make your last memories of here have some dignity.”

Flynn sighs, tons of worry and fear falling away like petals in a torrent. His head falls into his hands and has to hold back the reins of his tears to keep himself from crying in relief. “Thank you.”

“Pack your things here and let me know if you need anything, when you decide to leave come here and pick them up.”

The world both spins and tears for Flynn at once, some pieces of this plan come together and he finds himself smiling, “I- Thank you.”

Mrs. Dane smiles, “You’re welcome sweetheart, I hope God leads you to a better place than this one.”

Flynn and Kai look at each other and Kai beams a thousand stars worth of joy in Flynn’s direction. Flynn can’t help but absorb some of that happiness and smile at himself. The air seems lighter around him and for the first time in weeks he feels like he can breathe.

“Do either of you two want ice cream?”

Kai instantly perks up at the idea of anything sweet and nods frantically. The redhead practically vibrates in the chair.

Flynn nods, “Yes please.” Letting himself feel calm for a moment, he takes what he’s offered and eats.

Then his phone rings.

#flynn and kai #whump #whump community #whump fic #starvation #hunger #parental abuse

[brelione]

The Surfer And The Siren

Chapter Three:The Conspiracy Blog,The Investigation and The Shitty Sister In Law

Chapter One       Chapter Two

Warnings:Mentions of racism,homophobia

S0rry that this chapter is kind of short.The next one will be longer.

You didn't understand how you had never found out about this.The article was from 2012 by a conspiracy blog.There were dozens of photographs of you,a bright red circle showing where you was in group photos that were taken in the fifties and more from the seventies.There were a few photos of your large scales the size of quarters that had been found on coral reefs and posted on facebook with captions asking for someone to tell the finder what animal the scale belonged to.Another photo showed a photo of your fluke splashing out of the water.In some your hair had been tucked into your old red hat so the mess of blue waves wouldn't be seen.But somehow those photos had been linked to others from the bridge of your nose and the color of your skin.You kind of missed the old days before all the facial recognition technology.

You went through the photos to see paragraphs and paragraphs with quotes from the interview with Linden. “Linden Sislip,sister of poet and former pawn shop owner claims that her brother was in love with the sea monster of Outer Banks.For decades a murderous mermaid-like creature has haunted the waters and supposedly lured multiple men to painful water related deaths.Outerbanks is known as Paradise on Earth and is home to countless millionaires AKA the sea monsters preferred prey.Some think the creature has migrated elsewhere because of a string of similar deaths closer to California.What do you think?”That article had to be the most bull shit thing you had ever read.Luckily most of the comments agreed,calling the photos fake and saying the scales were that of a tuna’s.

That was pretty insulting to say the least but at least they didn't actually believe you were a serial killing sea monster.That made you feel better but knowing how much Linden hated you definitely hurt a bit.She had hated most people though.She hated the poor,people of color,lgbt+,cats and babies.What kind of sociopath hates cats and babies?You couldn't wrap your head around the fact that somehow she was raised by the same parents he was yet she ended up like that.He was ahead of his time.He was respectful and kind and he loved everyone regardless of social status,race or sexuaity.That’s what made you feel so close to him.Linden had always stared in disgust when he bought extra newspapers to bring to people who couldn't afford them or when he saved his food to bring to children whose parents worked three jobs and still couldn't pay for a decent meal.

You pitied Linden,you couldn't even imagine being that closed minded and ignorant.Things were much worse in the South for sure but you tried your best to get to people.After he had passed away Linden had forced the rest of the family to completely shut you out.You couldn't go to the funeral or even go into their home to grab things that you could remember him by.She blamed you fro his death when she should have blamed herself.It was a terrible thought because in reality there was noone to blame but he had spent so much time in his life trying to convince her to be a good person and convince her to respect people.It had been a waste of years trying to wear her down and make her good but you cant help them all.

The interview didn't really shock you that much.She had always been bitter about you and your origins bit what did shock you was the fact that she had a son in 1950.A son named Bellamy Maybank. “Shit.”You whispered under your breath.Richard waited for you to explain your shock but when you didn't say anything he grew impatient. “What?”He asked.You just nodded,trying to form words.This was real life.This wasnt some weird dream or a conspiracy.This was actually real.This article was published 8 years ago and you had never seen it.

How could you have never seen it?You wondered if Richard knew and had hid it from you but that couldnt be.He knew just as little as you did. “You were right...but theres a time gap.How good are you at investigating?”You asked.A wide smile came across his mature,wrinkly face. “Are you forgetting about how I sunk Ward Cameron’s boat and completely trashed his plans in like...two hours?”He asked.You laughed quietly.Richard had always been so proud of that. “God,how could I forget?”You grinned,looking back up at the TV. “So what do you need me to find out?Make me a list in my notes app.You know which one the notes app is,right?”He teased.You rolled your eyes,opening the app and making a new note.

Close the time gap (after 50-now)

Learn about JJ,Pope,Kiara and the other one.

Check up on Ward’s plans

It had been a hot minute since you had Richard investigate someone.Last time had been nearly 20 years ago.Turns out Ward Cameron was hunting you down in attempt to kidnap and sell you.he was a fucked up son of a trout and you would most definitely say that to his face if given  the chance.You placed the phone down,looking back up at the tv.The main character was threatening a rude looking blonde boy with terrible fashion sense. “Could we drive around for a while?”You asked.He nodded,standing up from his chair.His feet were sore but he always pulled through for you.You two went back out to his car.He turned on your favorite CD that belonged to Billie Eilish.So much had changed since just a few years ago.Someone like Billie would absolutely be an outcast back when you were her age.

Something about the way that cars moved made you happy.It was strange to see the world shifting around you.How poor people rode horses and the rich had cars and how the tables had turned.You had seen so many wars and so many deaths yet you had watched multiple births.You watched segregation end and witnessed people of all races and ethnicities get the right to vote.You had seen the day that the lgbt community finally got rights.And you had helped with it all.You had experienced the life of the poor and of the filthy rich and you were only a quarter through your life.You had been a friend to Marilyn Monroe and saw the day that JFK was assassinated.You had seen so much that no one else had experienced.

You had heard so many old folks complain about the music of today and how it had been so much better back in their day but you could not disagree more.There was no reason to bash the modern ones music.All music is good music except for country music,of course.Richard drove through figure 8 so you could gaze at all the houses.It was quite disgusting that there were only an average of three people living in huge mansions with six bedrooms that they didn't need yet there were families of eight suffering in tiny houses made for three people maximum.The rich were greedy,bitter and overall selfish and annoying.

The poor were generous and grateful for everything they did have and were more likely to be kind and understanding.It was really just a sad place but you didn't want to go anywhere else.A lot of other areas had water that was far too polluted but definitely had better people and a better atmosphere on land.It didn't really matter how great the land was when you could only see it once a month anyways.Plus OBX had a great cave system and pretty nice weather.Richard turned his car,going back to The Cut.If you were to live anywhere in Outer Banks it would most definitely be The Cut.It had an all around better atmosphere,friendlier people and better hiding spots. “So how are the naiads?Have you heard from them?”He asked,purposefully driving slowly.You sighed,turning down the radio. 

“Not really,the only river entrance got blocked off by a ton of fallen branches.I haven't gotten any calls from them though so thats good.Its not that I don't like them or anything but they're just….god,they're so annoying.”You leaned back in your chair.He chuckled. “Does Esmerelda still have a crush on you?”He asked,turning down the dirt road.You nodded. “She’s just….she’s cute but she’s annoying,you know?”You asked.He nodded. “That ones always been kinda strange in the head.”He agreed.Once you got back to the house the sky was lightening up which meant you had such little time.You sat in the backyard in one of the camping chairs with your paper bag in your hand and the drawstring bag hanging off your shoulders.Blue sat with his head on your knee,staring up at you with his big shiny eyes.

He knew the drill by now,his drool making a dark puddle on your jeans as he whined for attention before you had to leave again.Richard had tried to bring the dog out to see you before but it never worked out.Blue got eager and excited and walked to fast for Richard and it wasn't safe for a dog to walk along rough and bumpy rocks.It wasn't exactly safe for an elderly man either but it sucks to suck.You stared up at the sky,wiggling your toes while you still could.As the sun began to come up over the horizon a similar aching pain spread from your heels to your thighs,your body feeling heavy. “I’ll see you next week,(Y/N).”Richard stood up to hug you.You hugged him back,tears pricking at your eyes.

Blue pawed at you,licking your jeans.You kissed his forehead lightly before limping down to the water.You dragged yourself into the water,collapsing when you were at your knees.Your legs tingled,your head slipping under the water as your legs knit together in a painful mess.From below your hips your tail grew,your hair falling in your face as all evidence that you had been human left you.Your hend clenched the deteriorating paper bag as you swished your fins,gaining control over your body again.The sun was now reflecting off the water,nearly blinding you.You ducked under the water,going deeper and deeper.

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[heauxplesslydevoted]

Heart to Heart

Missing scene from the latest chapter of The Nanny Affair. My MC comforts Sofia after being publicly embarrassed by her father. I hated that scene, and I hate that Sofia is such a one dimensional character. 

Background MC (Luna Stafford) x Sam Dalton, but only if you tilt your head and squint.

Tags: @choices-lurker @paulfwesley @zodiacsign1 @thatysn @ermidc @badchoicesposts @senseofduties @canknot @drakewalker04

~v~

Luna can’t enjoy the fact that she’s drinking her salary in fancy champagne, enjoying a rooftop dinner with some of the richest people in the tri-state area. Any other day, this would be a dream come true, but in reality, she’s stuck in a nightmare.

For the past two hours, they’ve been forced to listen to Paolo make snide remarks on everything under the sun from her nannying skills to Sofia’s business acumen. Luna is not a fan of Paolo Russo. He seems like a miserable, stuffy old man whose only joy in life comes from whining and looking down on other people.

She casts a quick glance at Sam. The always poised and out together man looks as bored as she feels. His elbows are on the table, a finger lazily tracing the rim of his champagne flute. Gone are the manners and the fine dining etiquette that’s been drilled into him since infancy.

He looks up, sneaking a glance at her. An easy grin adorns his features as they lock eyes, and she quickly looks away, heat blooming on the apples of her cheeks. It’s rare that Sam is so unapologetic in his flirting with her, especially in the presence of his kids. 

The sound of a knife hitting the stem of a champagne flute is all it takes to pull Luna out of her thoughts. Paolo is standing at the head of the table, waiting on everyone to watch him with rapt attention.

He clears his throat obnoxiously, “Ahem. Thank you all for coming to congratulate my beautiful daughter and her future husband on their upcoming nuptials.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Luna sees Sofia sit up a bit straighter, eagerly awaiting the praise she’s sure her father is going to heap onto her.

“Sofia has been run ragged at Russo Industries for far too long,” Paolo continues. “Now she can finally fulfill her purpose to become a wife and mother. After all, a woman in a position of power in the business world is like an unstable explosive, especially around that time of the month.” The older man turns toward Sam, hoping to get a co-sign on his speech. “Right, Sam?”

Luna clenches her fist tightly underneath the table. She can’t believe the unmitigated fall that his man has. “Did he really just say that?”

Sam turns to her with a mournful expression. “Unfortunately.”

Luna isn’t the only one at the table embarrassed by Paolo’s speech. Sam’s mother Vivian leans over to her husband, whispering harshly. “Mason honey, I thought you talked to him about this.”

“I tried, but you know how it goes with Paolo.”

Luna balks at the scene unfolding in front of her. So they all just let Paolo get away with talking like this? It’s just talk, that they all chalk up to Paolo just being Paolo?

Paolo, the arrogant man, is far too caught up in his own spiel to notice that they’re all openly horrified. He just keeps going. “...A family disarms the bomb! That’s why it’s called a biological clock.”

Luna wants to scream. She wants to hit something. She wants to do anything else but listen to this man continue on with his horribly misinformed and misogynistic speech.

“Finally we’re getting to the good stuff.”

“I predict a Sofia meltdown in three...two…”

The countdown doesn’t have to finish as Sofia all but slams her champagne flute down on the table. The noise startles Luna and she flinches slightly.

“I’ve heard this speech before. I don’t need to hear it again.”

Sofia scrambles, attempting to gather her belongings. Luna notices that her hands are slightly trembling and her eyes are glossy, tears threatening to spill.

Before she can stop herself, she’s opening her mouth, “Actually Paolo, men and women have the same brains. Neurologists have been searching for differences for years, but nothing ever turns up. And this society makes girls lesser than men, which is a gross assumption that’s pushed by men like you.”

The admonishment causes a faint blush to appear at Paolo’s neck. “And what does that have to do with my daughter’s role at Russo Industries?”

Luna shrugs. “Even I can tell she would make a great CEO. In fact, I bet you’ve already seen gains under her management.”

“My daughter’s abilities aren’t in question. It’s a matter of right and wrong. Women belong at home. It’s why you became a nanny, right?”

“Paolo, you are way out of line,” Sam says, his voice taking on an uncharacteristically gruff tone. “I won’t have you speaking to Luna like that.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Luna sees Sofia rush off, heading back into the country club, not sticking around for any more of the conversation.

“It’s fine, Sam,” Luna says. The last thing she wants to do is cause a confrontation. It’d raise too many questions. Why is Sam so quick to defend the nanny and not his own fiancée? “This conversation is done anyway.”

Pushing her seat back, Luna throws her napkin on the table and gets up, leaving behind an awkwardly silent dinner party.

Sofia is a very fast walker, but Luna manages to keep a decent pace behind her, her platinum blonde hair making her an easy target to follow. The older woman heads to the restroom, angrily pushing open the door. Luna weaves through patrons of the club and various waiters carrying trays until she reaches the bathroom as well.

Luna is instantly swept up in just how fancy this restroom is. The lighting is dim, it smells like eucalyptus and mint, there’s soft music playing, and she’s pretty sure the faucets are made of real gold.

It isn’t until she hears a sniffle coming from one of the stalls that she is reminded of the reason she entered the restroom in the first place. Taking a peek under the stall, she sees Sofia’s signature Louboutin heels.

“Sofia, I know you’re in there.”

“Go away,” Sofia orders. Her tone doesn’t have its usual bite or chill. Luna frowns at how small she sounds. “I don’t need you here to coddle me.”

“I can’t do that. My conscience won’t let me leave a sad woman crying in the restroom alone.”

“I’m not crying!”

“Sure you’re not. But my point remains, I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”

A minute ticks by and Luna is met with silence. Sofia is just as stubborn as she anticipated, maybe even more so.

She leans against the marble countertop, careful to not lean against any wet spots. “If anyone knows how you feel, it would be me.”

More silence.

“I’m a black woman in STEM,” Luna continues, not waiting for a response. “I don’t know what it’s like in the business world, but if I got a dime for every time a man, and sometimes other women, told me to not pursue chemistry, I’d probably be able to afford your shoes.”

“Really?”

Luna smiles to herself. Sofia actually responded to her! She’s making progress! “Really. I was told to focus on nursing or a social science, like sociology or anthropology by multiple teachers, classmates and counselors. Not saying there’s anything wrong with those fields, I think they’re great, but that wasn’t the path for me. I’ve always loved chemistry. I’ve had the periodic table memorized since I was in 3rd grade. Thankfully I have parents that support my passion, because everyone isn’t so lucky.”

Sofia scoffs. “Got that right. I got my BA from Yale, I graduated summa cum laude and I went to Wharton for grad school, but let my dad tell it, I simply wasted 6 years and half a million dollars in tuition costs. Those degrees mean nothing to him because he’s the stereotypical, conservative and traditional Italian man. I’m not the correct sex or gender for him. In a perfect world, I’d be the perfect song but instead, I’m his fussy daughter. I’m not supposed to do anything other than get pregnant and cook, and how dare I want anything else out of life.”

“I say this with the utmost respect, but your father is a sexist jerk,” Luna deadpans. “You can yell at me for saying it, but I don’t regret it. And I’m shocked Russo Industries is still standing because I can only imagine the HR complaints and harassment lawsuits against your father over the years.”

“There’s no need to apologize because it’s the truth. My father doesn’t respect me. He doesn’t respect women at all. My mother was never allowed to have an opinion, and mine isn’t all that valued either.”

“I thought taking the initiative and getting engaged to Sam would make him respect me,” Sofia adds. “I wanted to do this in order to prove to him that I’m worthy. I thought he’d see that I’m a go-getter, and I’m ambitious, and I want the Russo family to thrive, but he doesn’t care about the business aspect of the merger like I do. He’s just glad I found a rich husband.”

Another bout of silence falls between the two women, but this time it’s not as awkward as before. it’s almost peaceful. Luna still hears the occasional sniffle, but she doesn’t call any attention to it. Crying is too vulnerable for Sofia to be open about.

“Besides, I don’t know if things will even pan out the way I want them to,” Sofia says. “The boys aren’t that fond of me, and Sam is just so...cold. I’m trying to make this a decent transition, and I’m trying to find out where I fit in that family dynamic, but it’s not working. He didn’t want me around for his birthday, he doesn’t respect my opinion on how to raise Mickey and Mason. More times than not, it feels like he’s counting down the minutes until he has to be in my presence anymore.” The stall door opens up and Sofia steps out. Her eyes are bloodshot and her nose is red and raw. Luna averts her gaze quickly, not wanting to draw too much attention to it.

“I don’t even know if this is worth it anymore. I’m exhausted, and I’m trying to sustain a relationship all by myself. Sam can barely sustain a conversation with me, and my dad isn’t impressed, so what’s the point? What am I doing this all for?”

Luna frowns. Sofia has always seemed so...bold and intimidating, like nothing ever rattled her. But looking underneath the perfectly put together surface, Sofia is just a woman trying to fight and claw for every inch of success, despite the lack of a support system.

“I meant what I said earlier,” Luna says. “I think you’re smart, and I think you’d make an excellent CEO of Russo Industries. And I don’t think you need Sam at your side to do so.”

That shocks Sofia. Her eyebrows shoot up past her hairline at the compliment. “You really think so? You have that much faith in me?”

Luna doesn’t know if she’s giving Sofia this advice because she truly believes in it, or if a selfish part of her wants the other woman to leave Sam alone, so they can finally be together. Her stomach twists uncomfortably at the thought, full of guilt. Does this count as manipulation?

She swallows thickly, pushing down whatever guilt is trying to bubble to the surface and nods. “I do. You don’t need a man to be successful and fulfilled. You don’t need your dad’s approval. And you don’t need to feed into the bullshit cycle of misogyny that your dad perpetuates.”

Sofia walks over to the sink and turns the faucet. After she splashes cool water on her face, she turns back to Luna. “Thank you, I guess. No one has ever talked to my dad the way you did, especially not in defense of me. And thank you for coming in here.”

“You’re welcome. Even the rich and powerful Sofia Russos of the world need 5 minutes to vent and cry.”

“Never mention to anyone that you’ve seen me like this,” Sofia orders sharply. No one, especially people in New York high society, can know that the ice queen herself shows emotion. 

“What happens in the ladies’ room, stays in the ladies’ room. Scout’s honor.”

“Good.” Sofia sighs and straightens herself up. Luna watches the cool facade slip back into place as Sofia fixes her makeup and runs a brush through her hair. Sofia is back to being the poised, elegant woman everyone knows.

Once she’s done, she straightens out her clothes and heads to the door. Hesitating, Sofia lingers by the door. She turns back to Luna, her eyes softer than the younger woman has ever seen them. “You know what? Maybe I misjudged you. You aren’t as bad as I originally thought.”

A soft smile tugs on the corner of Luna’s mouth. “That’s high praise coming from you. I’ll take it.”

Without another word, Sofia sweeps out of the restroom, leaving Luna all alone, the sound of her heels clicking against the floors now an echo. With the presence of the other woman no longer stifling her, Luna lets out a breath she didn’t even realize she was holding in.

She didn’t know what to expect coming in here to comfort Sofia, but now everything feels much more complicated.

#playchoices #choices: stories you play #the nanny affair #tna #sofia russo #sam dalton #pixelberry

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Hey Janis: you alright? Jimmy: Are you? Janis: Obviously stressing over what to wear for community service 😱😱 Janis: nah, just the standard bullshit though, nothing unexpected or that I can't handle Jimmy: that's a good shout, I heard there's gonna be a dickhead there with a 📷 and nowt to do cos he's too 😎🚬 to do what he's told Janis: Oh God, sounds like the worst Janis: 👍 for the warning, mate Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Go on then, answer for an answer Jimmy: what are you asking? Janis: I've already asked, are you alright? Jimmy: I ain't 😭 over picking up litter, clean tables every day, me Janis: 'course Janis: 💕 it so much you wanna do it for free, right Jimmy: The CG's wage ain't nowt to write up north about Jimmy: 💔💰🎻 Janis: I'm glad you've not got a family back home you're tryna support with coffee beans Janis: might make me almost feel bad, and I can't give my family the satisfaction so fuck you, like Jimmy: that you know of Jimmy: could have a 👶 in every mine Jimmy: fit as well as mysterious, like Janis: No one is fit enough they need to reproduce on an already overpopulated planet Janis: not even you, new boy 🤷 Jimmy: never said they were wanted 👶 Jimmy: in that part of the country, who isn't an unloved bastard Jimmy: 🗬🖋 Janis: obviously Janis: in this country we had to go to yours to really do fuck all about it for 50 odd years Janis: and who wants to go to Liverpool, honestly 🤢 Janis: least if you drag it up might contribute to your funds eventually Jimmy: You don't wanna go dig up that one band they're a bit famous for then? Jimmy: proper pissed on my #datenight plans that Janis: had enough ✌ & 💕 to last a lifetime, soz Janis: photoshop me in Jimmy: but have you had enough 👻🥊? Jimmy: think on, dickhead Janis: plenty 'round here for that Janis: though too many memebers of my family are still unfortunately living so Jimmy: UGH you NEVER wanna do the things I WANNA DO!! 😣😣 Janis: 😏 fine, jump bail with me and smuggle aboard the next ferry Janis: if you're gonna be a nag, like Jimmy: now you're 🗨 Jimmy: won't have to swap you for Asia for a bit Janis: Get her to guess the band, that'd be insightful Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: Get her to do your community service, might get hit by a car or kidnapped by the twat driving long as he's got 🍬 Janis: Your attempt to get to spend more time with her is blatant Janis: 💔 she didn't show to your party, Gatsby? Jimmy: I'm just so 😍😍😍😍 soz mate Jimmy: and yeah tah for the salt in my wounds Janis: Poor boy Janis: 'least her boyfriend didn't shoot you, swings and roundabouts Jimmy: why you saying that like it's a good thing? Jimmy: born ready to ⚰ Janis: he'd not shoot me Janis: 😇 that I am Janis: wouldn't be fair Jimmy: he'd probably miss, any road Jimmy: leave me with a scar that does nowt but make me more fit and more mysterious Janis: 🙄 see, a good thing Janis: no one needs that, least of all you, so shy and retiring really, yeah Jimmy: ✔ Janis: don't you leave me on read, dickead Jimmy: or what? Janis: I won't send you a postcard when I get to where I'm really going Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: but gonna be I'm #living for the picture on the front Janis: Wish you were here has never been faker Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Wonder who grassed Jimmy: 💰 on 💀👑 Janis: Not a bet I'd take on 'cos probably Jimmy: that or your 🤵💍 wasn't as into 💔 as he reckoned he would be Jimmy: soz sir Janis: married to the job Janis: shoulda known Janis: not his school, like Jimmy: not like I fucked you on his desk, he got off way easier than he were 🗬🤤 Janis: All talk Janis: like all lads Jimmy: Oi Janis: Would you like me to tell you you're different Janis: you don't say much so it isn't untrue, on that count Jimmy: you've only got the one job, rich girl, do you seriously need me to tell you how to do it? Janis: I shouldn't put community service on my LinkedIn? 🤔 Janis: damn Jimmy: gutting I know Jimmy: you'll look proper fit in the jumpsuit an' all, all that possible promo just pissed up the wall Janis: shut up Janis: shit, I didn't ask Janis: what is gonna happen with your actual job? Janis: could you make the hours work without needing to let on to them or what Jimmy: it'll get out Jimmy: more 💰 on 💀👑 Janis: Time how long it takes her to be in your inbox with the 🖤mail Janis: make you her personal bitchboy for life Janis: ugh Jimmy: I'll just tell 'em, either they'll want me to do my shifts round it or they won't Janis: yeah Janis: sorry Jimmy: for what? Janis: if you get sacked Jimmy: dickheads need lattes all over town Janis: true Janis: shame if you don't even get a reference out of the experience though Jimmy: not sure I want one from a knobhead who's never there and reckons my name's Jamie though Janis: still devastated Janis: but not about me, being supportive Jimmy: he could be my fall guy, weren't me it were all him, shady twat Jimmy: never even set foot in a school, me Janis: Get your coworker to alibi Jimmy: he'd obvs only do it if you asked him Jimmy: like owt else Janis: don't do yourself down, babe Janis: he specifically said you seem like 'a chill guy' Jimmy: I were dragging you down if I were doing owt, babe Jimmy: but alright Janis: yeah well you've called me a slag before Janis: not news Jimmy: Have I? Jimmy: don't sound like me that Jimmy: always keep it #goals Janis: yeah, you weren't being very 'chill' either Janis: but he don't have to know Jimmy: #whenshekeepsyoursecrets Janis: every battered wife knows the drill Jimmy: @iantaylor8 Jimmy: 🤞 lad Janis: wouldn't worry, 🐷 do fuck all 'cept protect one of their own Janis: #ladsladslads Jimmy: @ my other co-workers Jimmy: been busted lads Janis: brothers in brews Janis: such a strong bond Janis: 🤞 Jimmy: making me emotional tbh Jimmy: 👮🚔💕 Janis: gotta beat real siblings, like Jimmy: speaking of, you reckon they'll let me take the 🐕 with me? Save me a job Janis: Worth asking Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I've gotta beg the speakers back from 'em so Janis: class first impressions Jimmy: I'll do it, soft lad is obvs the first impression I make as standard Janis: you saying you can bat your eyelashes better than me? Jimmy: duh Jimmy: mine are well longer than yours Janis: fuck off Jimmy: 📏 matters, Janet Janis: you'd know, fat bitch Jimmy: 😱😱😱😱 Jimmy: just 'cause I've got better tits than you, no need to start a scrap Janis: Tits don't count if you only got 'em 'cos you're obese Janis: ask your girlfriend Jimmy: I will Jimmy: properly miss her so any excuse for a 🗨 Janis: you deserve each other, truly Jimmy: Tah, my dear Janis: so you'll be pleased to know you'll be spending less time with me from now on Jimmy: why? Janis: my parents have really leaned into the narrative and have decided you're the enemy Jimmy: Bill's 👻 must've had a word Janis: Yeah Janis: might've mentioned the joyride just to really fuck 'em off and all Jimmy: You wanna call things off then? Jimmy: it weren't part of the plan, them getting Shakespearean about it Janis: nah, fuck that Janis: they'd be doing it regardless, decided they should finally give the whole parenting thing a go Janis: just saying the story can be we're being cruelly kept apart Janis: not that I'm planning to stay locked in my fucking tower actually, already made my first break so Jimmy: Alright Janis: sound more buzzing you don't have to see me, could you Jimmy: 😁😆😄 Jimmy: there you go Janis: 💕 Janis: so sweet Janis: I won't shout about my MIA status, wouldn't be #goals for you to not know where I am Jimmy: do owt for you, you know it and it's obvs vice versa Jimmy: you just proved it there Janis: 'course Janis: will say it was me and hot barista that planned it all if you need Jimmy: bollocks are you taking credit for my idea Janis: I did the heavy work Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: that's the fakest thing you've ever tried to make sound real Janis: excuse me Jimmy: you heard Janis: don't chat shit Janis: We both pulled it off but we can throw him under the 🚎 Janis: you've already taken Jamie away from me Janis: what's the point now Janis: save yourself Jimmy: shut up Janis: do you love him? Jimmy: Do you? Janis: yeah Janis: one convo and bam Janis: actually that 😍 bitch Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: I'll see myself out Janis: 'til 💀 do us part, dickhead Jimmy: that'll be you and Mr Lucas Jimmy: I'd remember if I'd been down on one knee Janis: me too Janis: so hard done by Janis: 💔 Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: you cool with being done that dirty Janis: 📏 counts for shit when you lack enthusiasm Jimmy: ain't the first time Janis: shh Janis: don't need to know how often you were down on your knees, tah Jimmy: that don't bode well for our insta q&a Janis: fake rock my world some more then Janis: selfish Jimmy: I'll climb to the top of your white tower any time, girl Jimmy: you're the one MIA Janis: Only at night Janis: gotta be up bright and early for our date 💕 Jimmy: I don't think fucking on a pile of rubbish we've just collected would be considered very #goals but I'll give it a 🥇 spin Janis: there's no way 'round how unapproved all this criminal activity is Janis: still worth it Jimmy: Dunno about you but I'm 👏🏆 in every DM Jimmy: that 😎🚬 rep been set proper in stone now Janis: Lucky you Janis: I've been too busy getting lectured Jimmy: poor baby Janis: I know Jimmy: What can I do to make you feel better? Janis: down you go Jimmy: Alright Janis: I don't know though Jimmy: ⏲ Janis: You in a rush too? Jimmy: Got loads of other girlfriends to 👀 Janis: how many fakes one though Jimmy: That'd be telling Janis: so go on Jimmy: Why would I? Janis: have multiple fake girlfriends or tell me about the others Jimmy: Well? Janis: you could get them all to do different shit for you Janis: potential there Janis: idk why you wouldn't tell me if you did though, not like it'd fake break my heart Jimmy: There's your answer then Jimmy: not gonna give away secrets you don't give a shit about hearing Jimmy: what kind of power move Janis: You want to fake break my heart Jimmy: Why would I wanna go off script? Jimmy: The plan is you break mine Janis: I know Janis: not likely to forget what we're doing here Jimmy: Don't forget to tell me how to make you feel better then Jimmy: it's obvs all I'm breathing for Janis: just as obvs I don't really care about any of the Drama™ Janis: as long as I've got you Jimmy: 💕 Janis: just as obvs that I wanna know where you are 'cos I'm bored and dunno where to go or what to do Jimmy: [sends her a pic of him at the park by his house like oh hey] Janis: 😍 Janis: obvious, if the dog isn't with you then I'm not really interested Jimmy: [a pic of Twix because of course] Janis: colour me convinced Janis: we should probably show the fans a united front anyway right Janis: not turned on each other soon as the law got involved, like Jimmy: 🖌☻ Jimmy: not racist if it's your happy colour, right? Janis: 😂 Janis: it's NOT a free pass but Janis: not mad about it, don't tell Jimmy: 😅😅 Janis: it was alright though Janis: the party Janis: aside from doing what we set out to achieve Jimmy: Yeah Jimmy: I might throw another one Jimmy: maybe it'll be my rep next place I end up Janis: 🦋 Jimmy: 🤡 probably getting closer Janis: no fit and mysterious but Janis: maybe the next place will have less cunts Jimmy: could be fit and murderous Jimmy: 🤡🔪🔪 Janis: 🙏 Janis: keep my 👀 on the news Jimmy: I'll give you a shoutout, baby Jimmy: write your name in blood or something Janis: Carve it in a victim so I know you remember it 💘 Janis: 🤤🤤 Jimmy: like I said, owt for you, Jules Janis: Thanks Janis: just tell me when you're gonna murder-suicide Janis: can't stay dying here forever Jimmy: I promise Janis: Good Janis: 💀💕 Jimmy: 👻💕 Janis: gonna have to get as far out of this place as I can before I go Janis: refuse to be stuck haunting this shithole for eternity Jimmy: #same Jimmy: though I dunno where's gonna be any different Janis: anywhere you don't know anyone and they don't know you Janis: I reckon Jimmy: that's here for me Jimmy: still don't 💕 it Janis: you'll have to go back home then? Janis: don't know how you're getting through customs as a wanted man but you'll make it happen Jimmy: fuck that Jimmy: if that's where my heart's meant to be you can actually 🔪 it out Janis: would LOVE to have your heart Janis: ultimate goals amirite Jimmy: you can take it then Janis: hot Janis: seeing as everywhere on earth is shit then, shall we just go straight to hell? Jimmy: You said you were going 😇☁ Janis: hold onto your 😎 'cos it's the same place Janis: truth is, just a fucking bummer if you're 😈 Jimmy: What? Janis: heaven and hell are the same place, some people reckon Janis: what could be more torturous than constant classical music and having to wear white for someone so fit and mysterious? Janis: you're gonna be 💔 baby Jimmy: How could you!? Jimmy: pissed on my afterlife Janis: So soz Janis: can always subscribe to reincarnation, might be a laugh Jimmy: 🦍 actually Jimmy: Dan would be so 😍😍 Janis: 😂 Janis: Ahh Dan Jimmy: OMG you can be a 😳🐷 #fated Janis: Shut up Janis: I'm not being breakfast Jimmy: Or a 🦇!!! Janis: That's more appealing Janis: I'd do that Janis: give fuckers rabies amongst other awful diseases Jimmy: such a romantic, you Janis: you just need to avoid hunters Janis: you can be chilling up trees, when you're not kidnapping ladies Jimmy: protect me when I'm 💤 babe Janis: Cute Janis: how am I gonna know it's you though? Jimmy: What kind of signal do you want? Jimmy: 🚬☁? Janis: where are you getting 😎 from and all Janis: I'll just have to bite a lot of gorilla necks 'til one of 'em is into it Jimmy: Duh the lasses I've kidnapped Jimmy: what else are they good for? Janis: I don't know if they really discussed that in king kong Janis: I hope not Jimmy: Date night 2 after we've dug up Lennon and Co Jimmy: I've never seen it Janis: Me either Janis: I assume it's not a classic about Beastiality but Janis: might get 🍀 Jimmy: 👍 Janis: can liveblog Dan Jimmy: 🥇💡 Jimmy: in his DMs til his lass leaves him Janis: love that rep for me Janis: homewrecking then peacing out Jimmy: you have got form Janis: what are friends for Janis: free to tap that now, you're welcome Jimmy: if I wanted to 🐸 lad wouldn't have stopped me Jimmy: but tah very much Janis: yeah? Jimmy: What's your question? Janis: never mind Janis: his resemblance to pond life is uncanny Jimmy: 🎯 Janis: 🙊 Janis: I hope they're not all single now Janis: they get even more demonic when there's no dick around to distract them even for a sec, like Jimmy: Do you want me to do a poll? They'll tell me Janis: They'd lie to bone you Janis: Only Asia is stupid enough to not, God bless Jimmy: lucky me Janis: you don't have medical level BO and you can form basic sentences Janis: makes you a 🤴 to them but not special, you feel me Janis: the bar is underground Jimmy: SUCH a sweet talker, you 😳 Janis: I know Janis: just feeling #inspired by you Jimmy: you're meant to inspire me, dickhead Jimmy: gotta do everything myself round here Janis: I'll distract you Janis: make you do the wrong thing Janis: just 😇 things Jimmy: I'l see the paint coming this time, Judith Jimmy: it's the sober light of day Janis: Unfortunately Janis: my shower looked like a Pollock painting this AM Janis: and I can feel just how unsober last night was Jimmy: where's the 📷 you rookie? Janis: 😰 Jimmy: this is where us being #starcrossed falls down Jimmy: useless without me Janis: I wasn't feeling very inspired Janis: after the bollocking from the police, then from my parents, all whilst I could barely stand or 👀 Jimmy: you're 💔 me, girl Janis: I didn't even know where you were Janis: so dramatic, lowkey a stampede when garda showed Jimmy: I get it, you had your 🤞 they'd already sent me back to the grim north Janis: of course Janis: fake prison boyf Jimmy: fuck every other ldr that's the one Janis: could send you the good treats and nudes and shit Janis: so much more manageable Jimmy: you'd never be that nice to me Janis: once 👏 you 👏 kill 👏 for 👏 me 👏 Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: not got nowt else on Janis: won't even make it awkward and ask you to kill my sister Janis: pick whoever you wanna, got no preference here Jimmy: 💀👑 first Jimmy: the rest of 'em would feel it Janis: they are the flea to her rat Janis: gotta have that host body Jimmy: and I'd only have to touch her and she'd crumble to dust, an easy 🏆 Janis: How she's fucked as many lads as she has is beyond me Jimmy: 🤢🤢🤢 shh Janis: I know, it's disturbing and baffling on so many levels Janis: she doesn't even look like a good ride, who went there first and found out Janis: so many questions Jimmy: where's that q&a #content Mia? Janis: 😏 Janis: we should do one, not about the mystery of her skeletal vag Jimmy: the fans will have loads about the party and all that bollocks Jimmy: she'll have to wait Janis: gotta let the people know we made up Jimmy: can do it when you get here Jimmy: my brother's about but so's the 🐕 they're alright Janis: can keep the #content family-friendly Janis: read between the lines, lads Jimmy: yeah the 🐕 is more distracting than you Janis: Charming Janis: 😂 Janis: if I didn't feel like microwaved shit Jimmy: if you were 🥇 like me that wouldn't matter Janis: I didn't 📷 you don't know what I look like, twat Jimmy: you said feel Jimmy: nowt's been mentioned about how either of us look Janis: you sent me a pic Jimmy: and? Jimmy: you can either fake it or you can't 'cause you're either 🥇 or nowt Janis: 'course I can fake it Janis: just not gonna go that hard in front of your brother, obviously Janis: not 🥉 behaviour, that, just weird Jimmy: convenient that Jimmy: your excuse is non-existent 'cause as I said he's only got 👀 for the 🐕 Jimmy: bit like you Janis: 🙄 fine Janis: you're feeling unloved Jimmy: steady on, we're not having a therapy session on the 'gram Janis: just 😍 Janis: I know Jimmy: Go on then Jimmy: what do you look like? Janis: I've really got to send you a picture so you can tell me I look like shit? Janis: How about we get there and I just listen to all those fake compliments, like Jimmy: If I say please, will you give in? Janis: depends Jimmy: on how I say it or on something else? Janis: if you limit yourself to a word after you've seen it as well Jimmy: I can do that Janis: [we all know you look good you always do bitch] Jimmy: unfair Jimmy: there's my word Janis: okay Janis: I can deal with that Janis: more ? than ! Jimmy: I dunno if I can deal with you setting me up Janis: huh? Jimmy: I just thought you were gonna look Jimmy: and then you're Janis: well you don't look bad either so Janis: it's fair Jimmy: bollocks is it Jimmy: you heard me, I said unfair Janis: well alright Janis: but you're just as unfair then Jimmy: Nah I weren't faking I were 🧟 when I'm actually a hot 🧛 Janis: you're a 👻 Janis: if you don't get to come back as the peak hottest version of yourself, that's some bullshit Jimmy: Duh I actually were 👴 when I ⚰ you just 👀 me as 😎🚬 Janis: Best of both worlds Jimmy: that'll be why I'm such an optimist Janis: ☀ Janis: exactly what comes to mind tbh Jimmy: obvs Janis: think I might've accidentally got on a ghost bus though Janis: it's taking longer than usual, maybe I've been on here forever? Janis: who can say Jimmy: I should've offered to pick you up in Ian's car Jimmy: what kind of fake boyfriend Janis: fake boyfriend who wants to clock up all those hours scrubbing graffiti Jimmy: only 'cause date night 3 I'm planning to take you to put it all back Jimmy: if you're inspiring enough, that is Janis: 😏 Janis: keep doubting #hatersaremymotivatorsbabe Jimmy: prove it then I can't Jimmy: job done ✔ Janis: you want another picture with a 📰🗞 to prove I'm not lying, yeah Jimmy: You, lie? Bollocks would you Janis: know, it's what you 💕 best about me Jimmy: Yeah Janis: how is the actual loml today then? Jimmy: What the fuck does that mean? Janis: BABE!!! Janis: love of my life, OMG Jimmy: have you just made that up? Janis: don't be ridiculous Janis: start # me as such like RN Jimmy: [cue extra socials flirting] Janis: shit just got real, lads Jimmy: must be why I miss you Jimmy: nowt to do with how shit this park is Janis: obviously not Janis: everything's just more shit when I ain't about Jimmy: You're not wrong, bighead Jimmy: Love being bollocked by paddy 👮 me Janis: 🤤 was pretty blatant to me but don't reckon they noticed Jimmy: lads in uniform are just so 🤤🤤🤤 Jimmy: if I were american I could 🤞 Ian would send me to military school but 💔 Janis: only get your institutionalized abuse if you're rich enough to afford it Janis: or Catholic Janis: and there's a surprising amount of hoops to jump through there Janis: gutting Jimmy: 💔 about that an' all Jimmy: tah for being a pair of heathens mum and dad Janis: you could get confirmed but they'll 👀 you for being a right weirdo from the off Janis: no one JOINS Catholicism by choice, you're born to it and run away 😱 Jimmy: brb gonna have my quick 😭 before you get here Janis: Baby Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: [showing up finally and pretending you checking his face for 😭 and wiping 'em away like 'you can calm down now'] Jimmy: [pretending that you're checking her for bits of paint she missed behind her ears and everywhere but we know you just wanna touch her face and hair always] Janis: [the standard get off moment but loling and loving it secretly] Jimmy: [just leaning on her and sighing dramatically like ugh what a day but it's more to annoy her and be close to her than an actual genuine fml because god forbid you're real about it] Janis: ['that bad, yeah?' and doing an even bigger dramatic sigh '#relatable, mate' we're all loving life lollollol] Jimmy: [when you're competitive af so you wanna do an even bigger sigh yourself but you can't because you've got that secret rib injury and it hurts to breathe in thanks so much Ian #gotta reclaim it from April and Steve] Janis: [simply must] Jimmy: [thank god yet again that 😒 is his default cos you gotta get on the swing for the #aesthetic of this q&a and that means she's gotta sit on you, suffer for your art boy] Janis: [definitely gonna notice though at some point you can't stop me lol] Jimmy: [she always notices things it's a blessing and a curse] Janis: [thank your mother and grandmother for that girl; getting up like ? 'did you actually get stampeded or was it garda?'] Jimmy: ['I get that you're my biggest fan but the q&a weren't planned for you' because especially can't answer that question moreso than any other] Janis: [frowns but as per makes more of a thing out of it so it's fake] Jimmy: [squish her face like she does to you like cheer up] Janis: ['I won't turn it into a game, you can just tell me' 'cos we all remember truth or dare and how well that went] Jimmy: [shrugs 'being a northern 45 has it's downs on top of the massive upsides' when you're acting like you're 👴 and did it by falling or coughing too hard from 🚬 either of which could've happened but didn't] Janis: [🙄 'so you're alright then?'] Jimmy: ['it ain't part of the job for you to worry about me'] Janis: [shrugs like give a shit, boy 'not an answer also, not sneaky'] Jimmy: ['I know how to fake it, that's the only answer you need to hear'] Janis: [😒] Jimmy: [goes to check on Bobby and Twix like look how fine I am bye] Janis: [just chilling on the bench like you're so unphased but clearly not and he's clearly not fine otherwise he wouldn't have needed to fake it at all if it was nbd] Jimmy: [Twix jumping up him cos she's so full of love and he's just in casual agony like this is fine] Janis: [just shooting up like nope and coming over to distract Twix and throw her ball for her] Jimmy: [nhs direct be like DON'T smoke so of course that's what he's gonna do, when it's a habit and you don't think about how much it's gonna hurt but you've committed yourself to the 🚬 now] Janis: [just gesturing like lemme share that when you can see the wincing so at least he can only have half] Jimmy: [blatantly knows what she's doing and why but letting it happen cos ouch] Janis: [just doing overtime on that cig lmao] Jimmy: [just giving her a look like calm down as if you remotely have followed your own advice there] Janis: ['never know where the fans are hiding' looking 'round the park as if anyone is about 'cept families and tweens] Jimmy: ['You already looked hot, no need to go overboard'] Janis: ['what's your excuse then?'] Jimmy: ['For what?' you know perfectly well boyy] Janis: [a look that says as much 'you know'] Jimmy: [shakes his head like no I don't] Janis: ['you just want me to say it' tapping her head like not thick] Jimmy: ['so go on'] Janis: ['will you let me help you out if I do? I could walk the dog for you, at least'] Jimmy: [I've said before you can have her' gestures like take that dog away please and thank] Janis: [gestures at Bobby who's probably loving upon her like case in point] Jimmy: [shrugs like he'll get over it] Janis: ['she won't' 💔] Jimmy: [🎻 mime] Janis: [shakes head] Jimmy: [🙄] Janis: ['what did you dad say, like?'] Jimmy: ['I get it, you're trying to work out how up for committing crimes he is, you being underage and all, be a better shout if you faked it as yummy mummy though'] Janis: [tuts, 'runs in the family then'] Jimmy: [shakes his head really OTT because he likes his women 👵 'one of a kind, me'] Janis: [flexes muscle IRL] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: [going back to the swing] Jimmy: [pushing her, don't hurt yourself boy] Janis: [just enjoying this but thinking the same, peeping back at him occasionally] Jimmy: [just looking at her like I'm alright cos downplaying it 5ever] Janis: ['alright, you're well hard, we get it'] Jimmy: ['I'm just such a lad, nowt I can do about it, like'] Janis: ['gift and a curse, sure'] Jimmy: [holds the swing to keep it still for a sec 'you alright?' cos even though he's only pushing her gently gotta take the piss that she might 🤢 cos so hungover] Janis: [shakes her head, dramatically 'I'm off the rails, babe and you're meant to be ride or die and you're not telling me nothing' big pout] Jimmy: [comes round the front of the swing so he can look at her dramatically like he's so OTT sorry and forlorn 'making me get on my knees'd be a bit cruel, but name owt else, baby'] Janis: ['yeah, don't' look like you better not with this mystery injury, boy 'tell me what the gameplan is, how are we doing this, how are we getting back at her for this?'] Jimmy: [sits on the swing next to her and is thinking like a winnie because hasn't had chance to even consider any of that with everything else that's going on] Janis: [nods like exactly 'obviously we wanted to get in trouble but that doesn't mean she gets away with being a snitch'] Jimmy: [nods back cos yeah fuck her 'what does she care about?'] Janis: [shrugs 'fuck all but controlling her calories and her minions'] Jimmy: ['Alright, how can we take the control off her?'] Janis: ['if you've still got your job, start melting butter into her coffees' 😏 but also seriously thinking 'not hard to get that lot having an argument...you reckon you could get her chatting shit on them to you? that'd work, love their #receipts, like'] Jimmy: [gets his phone out like let's see and gestures for her to come here even though they are only a swing apart anyway #blatant] Janis: [leaning over his shoulder like 👀] Jimmy: [imagine having to try and chat to Mia, good lord] Janis: [and god knows how you're gonna have to play this to get decent fallout fuel from her, she's not an idiot] Jimmy: [yeah we should say it doesn't work because realistically wouldn't and he'd be so fuming that he hasn't been able to do it] Janis: ['back to the drawing board' and back to her swing to ponder] Jimmy: [😒 af and such a frustrated sigh which is then like OUCH but trying not to show that 'What about that co-worker of mine you were proper willing to throw under the bus and reckon is so well fit?' Hey Pete hey] Janis: [instincitvely reaching to squeeze his hand like hey but then Pete gets mentioned and you casually have to drop it like a hot potato without being that obvious lol 'Does Mia reckon he's well fit enough too?' like I've not been there 'she harass him and all, like?'] Jimmy: ['You said none of 'em have got high standards, what were it, no BO and basic grasp of how to put words together?' shrugs and looks at her like yeah well I'm not trying to say it's a good idea just an idea and another sigh that you can't help because you hate that she cares about Pete and you're reading too much into what that means] Janis: ['might work, might be a bit weird to put across to him though' 'cos can you imagine, like hello, us again... 'she was pretty pissed off when we gatecrashed her sleepover, it'd be worse than community service but we could do more of that? get them on side so she looks as mental as she is, like'] Jimmy: ['Alright' because that's a much better and easier idea you have to admit boy] Janis: ['yeah?' makes a face 'cos what did you just sign yourself up for, you cannot stand these girls lmao] Jimmy: ['I just said it were, must be' because this is all so casual and fine] Janis: ['Remember when we couldn't do a school project with the bitch? Imagine what they're like with no parameters or focus...' rolls eyes like Lord help us all 'definitely gonna be Oscar-winning fakery'] Jimmy: ['first place or nowt, baby, it's what Mia's owed, keep that in your head and you'll rise to the challenge, right piece of piss'] Janis: ['she's not my muse, fuck off' but kicking him in a bants manner with your swingy feet] Jimmy: [raises an eyebrow like oh isn't she and is 😏 'I'll keep that to myself, case it fucks with your master plan, don't worry'] Janis: [stops his swing abruptly by yanking on the chain like how dare you 'arsehole' 😒] Jimmy: [OTT like OW even though he's as fine as he's been this whole time] Janis: [when you then have to stop yourself now to check like oh no, so then you're even more 😒 'don't do that!'] Jimmy: [holds his hands up like soz but his 👀s genuinely are we know 'you know I didn't mean owt, be my mate again'] Janis: [standing inbetween his legs and tilting his chin up with your index finger so he's gotta look at you, as if you can work out what happened to him just by staring into his 👀 really hard] Jimmy: [some amazing eye contact as per and hitting her with a 'what?' even though you know cos you always know] Janis: ['we can be mates' like okay do you wanna be any closer though] Jimmy: ['good' likewise not moving like boy if you lean in right now I'm gonna kill you] Janis: [when there's nowhere to hide but you also cannot be the first to break, torn much] Jimmy: [at least we can have Twix or Bobby or both interrupt as he's just moving her hair out of her face/needlessly touching her yet again but before he does or says something we're not ready for because seriously about to here] Janis: [this is true, you aren't alone so you can't have a total bench moment here] Jimmy: [and you defs can't be revealing your secrets or feels rn thank you sir] Janis: [just turning so fast and acting like that never happened like oh hi Twix whilst he deals with Bobby] Jimmy: [do them big brother duties because he can't know you're hurt so you gotta fake it even more] Janis: [the joys] Jimmy: [he's gonna have a ball cleaning up and working ILY Ian you're a star] Janis: [make that punishment even more punishing, we see you] Jimmy: [I also like to imagine his phone going off throughout like you better not be with that girl, try and stop me bitch] Janis: [likewise 'cos you've done a bunk so they're like where are you, you have to go community service blah blah blah] Jimmy: [sharing a look but not a LOOK like] Janis: [actual solidarity, like y'all have no idea yet] Jimmy: [Taking a selfie with Twix and Bobby to send to him like fuck you Ian I'm doing your jobs and then letting Bobby take some cos mini me] Janis: [can't help but smiling 'cos that's cute] Jimmy: [takes her phone to take a coupley selfie so she doesn't feel left out and no other reason] Janis: ['won't tag you, like'[ Jimmy: ['tag Jamie'] Janis: [lols 'start framing him now, alright'] Jimmy: [a genuine smile] Janis: ['gonna look insane when everyone realizes you were never here the whole time but I'll cope'] Jimmy: ['gutted that Bruce Willis beat us to that plot twist' and such a pouty face] Janis: [squishing it forever like 😏] Jimmy: [leaning on her like I'M SO SAD THO] Janis: ['how can I cheer you up?'] Jimmy: [looking around like we could make a run for it and start a new life, as if he's capable of running rn or ever] Janis: ['my bags are packed, like'] Jimmy: [gestures like come on then but is looking at Bobby and Twix like] Janis: [looks at 'em as well and shrugs like yep 'easier leaving kids that are yours, init'] Jimmy: ['obvs' but now he's thinking about his mum so is actually sad not fake sad #awks] Janis: [is thinking about Drew and Edie so we're all having a lil moment here] Jimmy: [drags her over to the slide like go on, cos he'd die if he had a go so can't] Janis: [looking at Bobby then back at him like 'got your duties mixed up' but obvs has a go not gonna be a spoilsport] Jimmy: [then Bobby has a go and then Twix wants a go so you gotta go again girl] Janis: [like a babby] Jimmy: [you know he's getting all the adorable pics] Janis: [putting Twix on Bobby's lap at the top of the slide 'cos she's a pup so small] Jimmy: [he's falling in love again y'all] Janis: [put twix in a baby swing, that would be hilarious] Jimmy: [they gotta so he can be 😏 instead of 😍 because you're not kissing her rn boy I forbid it] Janis: [there's just no fake rn and we all know it] Jimmy: [he doesn't have it in him rn despite what he said] Janis: [mhmm, we won't be infiltrating the flat whites any time soon lmao] Jimmy: [gotta give that more than a hot sec but I do think at some point they should run into Asia and her sisters again for the lol because] Janis: [that would be good 'cos the mood that day lolllll] Jimmy: [they can get Bobby in on the fake niceness by bribing him or something lol] Janis: [#playdate!] Jimmy: [exactly dr phil] Janis: [god bless] Jimmy: [should probably get that kid and dog back so come and chill at his gaff again girl] Janis: [your parents will be delighted hahahaha suck it lads] Jimmy: [hooray for Ian being at work so you don't actually have to see him though] Janis: [that's a blessing] Jimmy: [make tea and food for everyone Jimothy we know that's your life] Janis: don't need to tell you how to make it Janis: handy Jimmy: You gonna give me a hand though? Jimmy: I get that there's no promise of an apron but you already look 🥇 we've covered that Janis: and run the risk of you thinking I'm not a spoilt brat? 🤔 Janis: I guess I could Janis: as you're full of compliments as currency today Jimmy: 🤞 they won't take your 🐴 away for mucking in like the common lads and lasses do, rich girl Janis: Better not Janis: love mucking out SO much Janis: [does come to help like bonjour] Jimmy: and it would muck up the stable boy fantasy before we've had a go at it 💔 Janis: [lols] Janis: that's exactly what your accent is Jimmy: [says something like a cliche stable boy would idk I'm not a horse girl] Janis: [reminds me of that classic book baby mama was in with game of thrones, though he's like gameskeeper or whatever the fuck anyway, loling harder and fake swooning] Jimmy: [when you pretend to catch her fainting, shameless touching even if it hurts you is your real ultimate kink boy] Janis: [the tea, saying something stereotypically posh in a stereotypically posh voice to break the tension that is just always there now] Jimmy: [does the posh little finger thing while drinking his and loling] Janis: [making nerd glasses with her fingers at him like 😏] Jimmy: ['Oi, be nice to me' making a face like I'm so injured excuse you] Janis: ['yeah, you gone shy or you gonna show me?' gestures like kit off boy] Jimmy: [is awks af obvs because we know it's bad but does take off his top because can't admit it #challengealwaysaccepted] Janis: [breathing in through her teeth like ouch and really gently touching them, like barely, speaking just as softly 'you should take an ice bath, it'd take down this swelling'] Jimmy: ['always trying to get me in the bath, you' but his voice is as soft as hers is 'but no pictures this time, a cute filter ain't gonna make this look goals'] Janis: ['Who could blame me' but said more as a throwaway comment just to keep this feeling normal and not like you're worried about him in any way nope, a look like obviously, who am I? before moving him, gently, out the way 'I'll finish up here, yeah'] Jimmy: [a shrug like I can do it because god forbid you actually take it easy lad] Janis: ['I can make-' (fill in the blank of whatever he's feeding Bobby, lol fish fingers or whatever we know the vibe here) 'if you don't wanna get in without me, wait, like'] Jimmy: ['Calm down, no dickhead's ready for how wife goals you are' and some fake 😍 'if you're that about trying to work your magic work out how we're gonna fill the tub with the one ice tray, what would your mate Jesus do?'] Janis: [less fake 🙄 back 'fine, I'll go buy a couple bags, prepare yourself' and chucking her shoes and whatnot back on like brb, least you don't live in the middle of nowhere] Jimmy: [irl 👍] Janis: won't let you 🥶 Jimmy: not how you wanna 💀💀💀? Jimmy: I get it, nowt massively 😎🚬 about that Janis: In terms of murder, pretty good idea but nah Janis: I've done 'em before so I'm not 🙀 Jimmy: knew you had loads of bodies in your freezer Jimmy: bit rude to make me think our 💀💀💀 pact were the first Jimmy: bit ruder that you never went through with your end all the other times Janis: just waiting to meet the one, babes Janis: 🤷 can't be killing myself for every lad that comes through Jimmy: proper heartbreaker you Jimmy: knew that an' all Janis: You won't get chance to tweet that Janis: s'fine Janis: 🙊🙉🙈 Jimmy: didn't break none of my fingers Janis: you're really gonna do it whilst I'm out running errands? Janis: ungrateful Jimmy: stop begging, I'll be a good boy Jimmy: for a bit Janis: It's you with the kink for being told what to do, apparently Janis: stop complaining Jimmy: don't sound like me that Jimmy: ray of fucking ☀ or nowt Janis: wrong chat then Janis: my bad Jimmy: sort it out, girl Janis: be more memorable, boy Jimmy: 💀💀💀 you too quick if I were Janis: exactly Janis: letdown no. ??? Jimmy: piss off Janis: Calm down Janis: can't be letdown by something that ain't real Janis: only have myself to blame then and not about that Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: ugh Jimmy: It's a hard life, Jasmine Jimmy: crack on, we don't have all day Janis: excuse me Janis: as long as you do it within the first three days, it'll still work Janis: and you're on chef duties so you shut up and concentrate Jimmy: I can't concentrate if you're gonna chat to me like that Jimmy: 😍🤤🤤😍 Janis: blame the burning on me then Janis: we all know you're just 🥉 Jimmy: Oi, I'll be a top wife Jimmy: know how to take a punch and everything Janis: Shh Janis: busy Jimmy: 💔 Janis: Meant to be helping, so let me Jimmy: why you trying to make me 😭 then? that won't help Jimmy: bloody hurt if owt Janis: Obviously not Janis: you know I'm not good at words, it's not a surprise Jimmy: duh it's the only thing we've got in common Janis: is it cheering you to make me try and fail then? Janis: 'cos have at it but you will end up 😭 by the end of t Jimmy: I just Jimmy: wanna chat to someone who ain't 6 Jimmy: or a 🐕 Janis: 2/2 Janis: take that victory Jimmy: 🏆 Jimmy: there you go Janis: I will fill it with ice Jimmy: and a drink of your choice Jimmy: I 👀 you, pisshead Janis: just prepping myself for having to 👀 you in the tub again Jimmy: I can get in by myself, I were 👴 but 👻 me is in his prime, remember Jimmy: near as much an athlete as you at this rate Jimmy: 💪🥇 Janis: let's not get carried away Jimmy: spoilsport Jimmy: might wanna carry you about Janis: when you're recovered Jimmy: takes weeks 🤞 I'll be long gone Janis: about as reliable as 🙏 Janis: take from that whatever you want, heathen Jimmy: Tah Jimmy: or I'll just get another girlfriend who ain't as heavy as you Janis: fuck off Janis: I'm not heavy Jimmy: depends Janis: on how weak you are? yeah Jimmy: on who we're comparing you to Jimmy: but you can piss off, I'm not weak, I'm injured Janis: Know you're used to puppies and 6 year olds, obvs Jimmy: you're not the first lass I've lugged about, soz to melt your ❄ babe Janis: 💔 Janis: I'm not anorexic or otherwise as easily deluded, I know I'm skinny Jimmy: never said you weren't Jimmy: have said before that you're a 🦒 Janis: thanks Jimmy: 👍 Janis: need anything else whilst I'm here Jimmy: You're my nurse, you tell me Janis: get you some drugs Janis: don't take 'em all at once 💀💀💀 Jimmy: What if I promise to split 'em right down the middle? Janis: I'm not dying for you today Jimmy: Baby please Janis: Nah Janis: find some tiny girlfriend who'll need half the tabs Jimmy: been there, done that Janis: plenty more midgets either side of the sea Jimmy: I don't have time to go 🎣 but tah for that Janis: Busy busy Jimmy: hardworking kink ain't nowt but a curse 🎻 Janis: don't need to tell me Janis: I'm rich Janis: the less you see your missus and fam the better 🤤 Jimmy: wouldn't dream of telling you nowt of the sort, not very #goals that Janis: so needy 😏 Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: so mean today you Janis: just today? Jimmy: not thick enough to start digging myself down into that big of an hole Jimmy: and obvs too weak any road so Jimmy: 🤐 Janis: more like it Janis: though implying I was gonna get pissy about it was a dick move that did not go unnoticed Jimmy: I said what I said Jimmy: there's nowt you don't get pissy about when that's what you wanna do Janis: Maybe you're just really fucking annoying Janis: that's more than a distinct possibility Jimmy: only maybe? Jimmy: 💕 Janis: So optimistic too Janis: 🤢 Jimmy: you need to get back on it, pisshead, that'll sort you out Janis: You like me better when I'm drunk Janis: spread that around Janis: though frankly, lil rapey is their type Jimmy: I don't like you however much you drink, not a paddy Janis: Try drinking some more yourself Janis: looking for common sense at the bottom of a bottle ain't a noble pursuit but you know Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: [a selfie of him posing with Ian's stash like oh hey] Janis: and you were gonna let me buy more Janis: who's the shit host now Jimmy: I never said you should buy owt Jimmy: you went off on your own #mission Janis: you'll be grateful later Jimmy: yeah 'cause that's how you like me, I know Janis: Don't you start #kinkassuming thank you Jimmy: no need to assume it, I've 🔓 it Jimmy: got the 🎟 Janis: 🤔 Janis: Must've been wasted Janis: as per Jimmy: Or I've got the wrong girlfriend Jimmy: might do Janis: It happens Janis: what's my name again Jimmy: what kind of fish do you wanna be? that'd help me out Jimmy: I've voted already Janis: 🦈 Jimmy: #fated Janis: if you said 🐬 I'd delete and block you Jimmy: I can't, that's Asia's Jimmy: nowt I can do when she's just SO SMART Janis: can't wait 'til some screaming kid covers her blowhole and suffocates her Jimmy: 😂 Janis: shame you ain't a starfish Janis: cut your legs off see if they grow back Jimmy: What am I then? Janis: one of those lurky bastards at the bottom of the ocean Janis: just been sitting there for 10000000s of years Jimmy: that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me Jimmy: brb need to dry my eyes Janis: I know Janis: 💦💦 Jimmy: that what's taking you so long? Janis: yeah Janis: am I not allowed any privacy? Jimmy: You've heard 💀👑's stance on that Janis: you invited her over already? Janis: keen Jimmy: you wish, Jennifer Jimmy: can't have her around in my weakened state Janis: fuck off and stop being a baby Jimmy: you fuck off Janis: come get your stuff then Jimmy: you're alright Janis: it'll melt out here Jimmy: I get that I'm such a ☀ but outside ain't competing that hard Janis: Don't be awkward Jimmy: gotta teach the 🐕 fetch some time Janis: for fuck's sake Jimmy: What? Janis: I've got to go put it in your bath myself, have I Jimmy: You haven't gotta do nowt Janis: are you coming to get it? Jimmy: Am I on a ⏲? Janis: would you like me to work out how long it takes to melt a bag of ice Janis: like I said, awkward Jimmy: 🤓 Janis: I'm going to smack you upside the head with it in a second Jimmy: [comes to get it like go on then] Janis: [obviously will not lol, just shoving it at him like there you go] Jimmy: [takes it and walks off leaving her with Twix who has come like hey girl] Janis: [tryna get her in the house 'cos you were tryna leave on the low but Twix says no] Jimmy: [puts some ice in whatever bottle he's stolen off Ian and offers it to her like] Janis: ['only 'cos it'll get watered down now otherwise'] Jimmy: ['duh, that's the trick, then he dunno I've nicked it'] Janis: [🙄 @ Ian 'Amateur, I would know'] Jimmy: ['you ain't thick and northern' said over his shoulder as he's going upstairs to get in his ice bath with the stolen booze casually] Janis: [just downstairs like what am I meant to do now excuse me but definitely not going to ask] Janis: try not to go into shock or get hypothermia please Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: how long have I gotta sit here like a dickhead? Janis: do 5 minutes, if you can hack it Janis: no longer than 10 Jimmy: say when Janis: Get in and then I'll come in and supervise Janis: I'm not gonna accidentally kill you Jimmy: don't get none of this #drama with a bag of peas Jimmy: but alright Janis: it'll be more effective Janis: trust me Jimmy: if you've gotta say it, I probably shouldn't Jimmy: well suspicious Janis: it's not gonna be nice but it'll stop the damage getting worse and kickstart the healing Jimmy: 🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶 Janis: yeah, that's why you're getting in before I come up Janis: I'll listen for the scream, like Jimmy: did you 👂 or do you want me to get out and back in? Janis: Okay Janis: so tough, I get it Janis: [comes up and puts her hand to his forehead to check his temp] Jimmy: [imagine his little face please just like fuck me this is #fun] Janis: [puts a timer on her phone and is looking for the biggest, softest towel for when he gets out] Jimmy: [when you're the most caring ever on the low] Janis: ['I'm sorry' and taking the drink from him] Jimmy: [a look like ? because not gonna try and talk atm] Janis: [gestures like for all of it, I don't know but then doesn't wanna be that bitch so sucks it up and actually says why 'I didn't mean to call you a baby'] Jimmy: [puts a finger to his lips like shut up it's fine] Janis: [shrugs an alright and sits down on the side of the bath] Jimmy: [splashes but so the water just comes up and doesn't actually touch her because not that rude and also he's too cold to do a really big splash movement] Janis: [reaching in, whey but not, to get his feet out 'cos apparently your toes will be most sensitive so they don't need to be under, neither do his hands, just rubbing some life back into them with said towel like there we go] Jimmy: [saying a sincere thanks with his 👀 but then having to look away because who ever looks after him #emotions] Janis: ['I'll make you a cuppa when you get out'] Jimmy: you just want one, I 👀 you Janis: [takes another swig from the bottle like yes, blatantly 😏] Jimmy: 😏 Janis: then you can get in bed for a bit Janis: can't get straight in a hot shower, though you wanna Jimmy: how many of these have you done? Janis: enough Janis: plus I do sports science and all that shit so Jimmy: take your 🏆 Janis: will when those bruises fade, like Janis: not jealous or nothing but it is a bit rude Jimmy: don't be, nobody does 'em like you, baby Janis: might have to tweet it Janis: don't want a repeat Jimmy: [cue flirty af tweets to distract her because we can't tell her what happened] Janis: [with that we can probably get you out, to your great relief] Jimmy: [help him like the 👴 he is, girl] Janis: [get him wrapped up in that towel and in his room asap] Jimmy: [you have to snuggle him it's basically the law] Janis: [would literally be rude not to, least you can do it and be rubbing his arms like just warming you up nothing else going on nope] Jimmy: [the amount of things I have to stop him from saying or doing rn, boy no] Janis: ['do you still own a hoodie? you need to wrap up warm'] Jimmy: [a lil lol but goes to get his warmest one cos wouldn't have had that out in april so she hasn't stolen it] Janis: [control your 😍 at his cute you've got a job to do 'do you want your tea now?'] Jimmy: [when you shake your head before you can stop yourself or do your trick of not answering a q because you just don't want her to go] Janis: [just patting the bed like get back in then] Jimmy: [does] Janis: [when you have to snuggle really hard for warmth also single bed moment again] Jimmy: [god bless, what makes it even better is knowing how fuming Ian would be but it's literally your fault sir, you've done this] Janis: [you did this bitch] Jimmy: [thanks for bringing them closer together hoe] Janis: [nice try, universe] Jimmy: ['Am I gonna die if I fall asleep?' from within the snuggle] Janis: [tiniest lol 'only if you also feel a sudden urge to take your clothes off too' accidentally saucy like 😳] Jimmy: ['well now you've told me not to, I obvs do' playing it like you're such a rebel but we know why you wanna] Janis: ['then I'd have to keep you awake, it's your choice'] Jimmy: [such a LOOK] Janis: [closing his eyes like no looking 'cos literally can't handle it] Jimmy: [opening them again because 1. he's that dickhead but more importantly 2. he can give her a look like even if I fall asleep don't leave] Janis: ['you can go to sleep' in response 'but-' and not finishing that sentence] Jimmy: ['what?' because I have to every single time] Janis: [non-committal noises like idk doesn't matter forget it etc] Jimmy: ['go on' because can't and won't drop anything unless he wants to] Janis: [shrugs without smacking him in the face hopefully 'cos you are that close rn 'you don't have to'] Jimmy: [nods like alright like it's so casual but not breathing because it isn't even remotely casual bye] Janis: ['We could-' stopping to correct yourself to make it sound more fake as if we're even remotely believing that now '-I could make you feel even better, if you want'] Jimmy: ['I get it, you reckon you're a better nurse than me, eh?' throwback to that school trip moment and how hot it was 'crack on then, but nowt'll top that ice bath' such sarcasm, such wit] Janis: [smiles 'not that that's much to brag about, yeah' rolls her eyes and sighs like oh, if I must, as if she didn't suggest it, TOTALLY unprompted 'still my idea, that, so your turn for a good one again, when you're all healed, of course' doing the poor baby pout at him whilst sitting herself up and maneuvering VERY carefully so she's sat on top of him, facing away so he's looking at the back of her 'obviously, that shit about not poking bruises is true, but if we sort the rest of your muscles out, you'll feel less fucked in general' and starting a full-body-but-his-abdomen-area massage with his calves/feet and working her way up 'cos lord knows the boy is tense and she already has a decent idea of what she's doing here] Jimmy: [when that feels so good literally immediately that you have to take the piss because you can't cope 'what the fuck else are they teaching you in sports science, girl?' I can only imagine the kind of teacher they'd have for that so I'm loling] Janis: ['gutted you didn't take it now, yeah?' shaking her head like 😏 and moving up to the thighs] Jimmy: ['more inspiring than art by the looks of it, like, not that that's much to brag about either'] Janis: ['your stuff was alright' like casually bringing up that night like how much do we remember, we'll never know] Jimmy: [thank god she can't see him blushing rn 'you're a decent canvas' bringing up the paint fight because yolo and downplaying the rest of his art because thanks Ian for making him think he's not good at anything] Janis: [likewise but you are gonna have to turn 'round now 'cos you've run out of body lmao 'you too' then and now, obvs] Jimmy: [we all just dying here] Janis: [take a sec to compose yourself before turning 'cos now you're gonna be onto hands and that's like the most intimate somehow] Jimmy: [it seriously is though] Janis: [think it's 'cos you have to sit and face each other and hold hands in a sensual manner, at least he is laying down though so he could avoid the eye contact if he chose to] Jimmy: [I REFUSE to allow you to make eye contact during this sir] Janis: [awkward when it'll be shoulders after and you're gonna be so up in his face like hello, stay strong lads] Jimmy: [oh lord I'll just be screaming DON'T YOU DARE KISS the whole time] Janis: [hohaha this is just mean] Jimmy: [she'll have her work cut out though because nobody's carried this much tension in their body since teenage Tess Vickers] Janis: [since me honey] Jimmy: [the tea] Janis: [least you can really concentrate on doing a good job 'cos yeah wants to kiss him so bad[ Jimmy: [there's no denying what a good job she is doing though 🥇 legit] Janis: [fuck you Ian] Jimmy: [forever the mood] Janis: [though will be leaving before you get back, don't need you fucking up all this hard work tah] Jimmy: [bye felicia] Janis: [though not going anywhere really you'll have to deal] Jimmy: [we should say one of the flat whites are doing something so they can start their plan] Janis: [yeah, maybe Grace is forcing Mia or one of the others to have a party 'cos obvs she doesn't want everyone at Cali gaff really] Jimmy: [and she'd be hoping it'd stop everyone talking about Janis and their party but it sadly won't babe] Janis: [when y'all can't hang and we all know it] Jimmy: [I vote it's 💀#2 cos mad at her for bathgate tbh] Janis: [and she's probably got the most impressive house in a basic rich way so it's a plus to getting people to show] Jimmy: [agreed] Janis: [along with Mia obvs but we know the vibe, what a joy this will be lol] Jimmy: [I feel like Mia would never have parties at her house because such a daddy's girl and that's why you have minions] Jimmy: [at least you can kiss when you get there cos DYING to] Janis: [exactly, not gonna trash your own house, like, plus bet her mum is a cringe] Jimmy: [I just picture Regina's mum in mean girls basically lol] Janis: [tryna cry about your cheating mans with your daughter and her friends, no one needs that do they Mia, at least Ali would never lmao] Jimmy: [Ali's only cringe cos of how hot everyone thinks she is] Janis: [Mia probably does, secret gay] Jimmy: [oh girl] Janis: [will we ever know your damage truly lol] Jimmy: [we should probably figure it out one day so when we're famous everyone's not like wtf casually an Amber from Get Even situation on our hands] Janis: [true true, but sometimes people are in your life as a cunt and you don't consider why, esp as a teen so it's real that the characters don't know, even if we do] Jimmy: [yeah agreed the whole point is she knows everything about Grace and she knows barely anything about Mia because power moves] Janis: [keep them secrets] Jimmy: [it's that poor little rich girl stereotype and we all know it] Janis: [god bless, we have been distracted though, shall we skip as we are not letting anything happen now or?] Jimmy: [we can do because we very much know the vibe and like realistically they could show up to this function way early like even while the flat whites were all getting ready if they wanted because they have a plan to start] Janis: [oh yeah, like let us help you set up!!!!1 mega friendly so not suspect lol] Jimmy: [we all know they'd be ??? but still let them because Mia thinks she's so smart and in control] Janis: [this would be so painful and funny like try not to die holding in lols at them] Jimmy: [#bondingexperiences] Janis: [they should also be wearing more basic approved clothes, like not too wildly obvs but more girly for her, less alternative for him] Jimmy: [yasss and Grace can do her make up because she's actually good at it for all her other cringe so it would look good] Janis: [gotta get her on side too, keep your suspicions in the chat and not in front of your friends] Jimmy: [you're not touching her hair though, Jimmy would be devastated beyond belief] Janis: [we have to draw the line somewhere] Jimmy: [also Asia should have a new bf she's showing off for the lols] Janis: [what a delight, all the single flat whites crying in the club] Jimmy: [omg if he shows up early too and tries to make awkward #ladsladslads small talk with Jimothy the most unsocial egg in the world] Janis: [good idea ladeh] Janis: 💀💀💀 Jimmy: after I've done him Jimmy: can't be lasses first this once, soz Janis: getting on that well, are you? Jimmy: don't 😘 and tell, me Janis: Bullshit Janis: all you do 🗨❤📷📱 Jimmy: Alright, 'cause you untwisted my arm, I'll 🗨 Janis: You giving each other chinese burns? Janis: you wanted that peak homoerotic bullying moment Janis: so happy for you babes!!! 💖 Jimmy: I wish but I do reckon I proper LOVE him Jimmy: summer wedding 🤞 Janis: sending you colour-palettes as we speak OMG Janis: gonna have to let Asia down really gently or you'll all turn up at the altar by the sounds of 🙄🙄 Jimmy: You'll do it for me though, yeah? call it first duty as maid of honour Janis: take great pleasure when I have to stop playing dress up and nice, yeah Jimmy: let's swap, I'd be about playing dress up Janis: 😱😱😱 EWWW Janis: such a perv Jimmy: be more jealous that I'm prettier than you, babes Janis: you be more that you'd NEVER fit in this dress she's letting me borrow 😘 Jimmy: 😭😭😭😭 find me in the kitchen with your sister eating my feelings Janis: yeah you stay away from my sister creep Janis: focus on making Janis: Declan? Janis: Dave Janis: your bestie for the night/forever and ever 💖 Jimmy: fuck that, please come and rescue me Janis: alright Janis: as he's as bad as he looks Janis: just got to finish being tortured here without dropping that he was in my DMs a few ago, like Janis: when will she meet her 🤴 eh Jimmy: when she stops fucking 🐸? Jimmy: though he looks bit more like 🦎 Janis: More exotic? Janis: upgrade 🙌 Jimmy: more like he's shedding his skin about Jimmy: what did he 🗨 then? Janis: eurgh Janis: least you forgo'd the black for just one night Janis: asking me my skincare routine, obvs Janis: all adds up now Jimmy: 🙌 Jimmy: adds up that he's all over me, that's all any dickhead knows of your skincare routine Janis: You can't be taking credit for my skin now Janis: already feel like a barbie up here without you turning it Frankenstein Jimmy: Poor baby Jimmy: I can save you, just 💪 my way in, hang on Janis: Can hear the hysteria already Janis: if the octaves get any higher, only your dog gonna be able to understand 'em, like Jimmy: you're worth the risk to my one good ear 💕 Jimmy: [does bowl in and pull her away but not far because 👀🍿 like I need you to be with me soz] Janis: [Grace just like HER MAKEUP 'cos we know the lipstick is going everywhere] Jimmy: [soz not soz gals] Janis: [lowkey tryna make him leave 'cos this is girl's time 'cos that's always a thing like we all know you're just jelly and sad about your own lack of love ladies] Jimmy: [Mia like no boys and JJ just ignoring her so hard rn because only got 👀 for each other and it's not even fake] Janis: [cannot sacrifice him to this boy rn imagine the 'bants' good lord] Jimmy: [literally he could not be further from that #lad vibe he'd be so over it and tbh fuck you Mia we know you're the only one who actually cares if he stays] Janis: [tbh, just chilling on 💀#2 bed like you're abso besties rn] Jimmy: [god imagine her room, he'd feel so uncomfortable lowkey but we never showing it] Janis: [all white everything like no one spill anything christ] Jimmy: [I hope Grace drops some makeup like Sammi is always doing, my beloved clumsy babe] Janis: [you two try not to piss yourselves like] Jimmy: [when you have to turn it into a cough and that hurts you but at least it stops the lols] Janis: [asking if yous can smoke in here when you so clearly cannot lmao but an excuse for an actual break like brb, he clearly needs it] Jimmy: [run lads run] Janis: [a look when you're outside like Jesus fucking Christ before having the lols you've been holding back this whole time 'God, I actually NEED that cigarette, hurry up, like'] Jimmy: [100% shared and obvs he does hurry up and light hers because whipped and then his because likewise needed] Janis: [just discussing how pissed off Mia is already like lollollol] Jimmy: [and plotting how to piss her off more whilst getting the others on side] Janis: ['hope her birthday is soon, love to fuck that up' when you should know by rights but take no interest so do not lol] Jimmy: [checks her socials because there'd be a shit load of posts from last year and he'd be able to work out the date holds his phone up to her like] Janis: [🤔 then 😒 'nah fuck it, can't be around them that long' and 😏 on the exhale at him] Jimmy: ['And you can't do it without me' because still running with that narrative he'll be gone soon] Janis: ['I'd have time to audition replacements before then, come on'] Jimmy: [😒 that we're pretending is fake but isn't] Janis: [nudges him in the side with hers 'One and only, I remember'] Jimmy: [nudges her back like be careful with me even though she already is being] Janis: ['my delicate little baby' and cupping his cheeks instead of squashing 'em] Jimmy: [looks down at whatever outfit they've put her in 'dunno what I'm gonna call you'] Janis: ['but your list of J names is endless'] Jimmy: ['but those are for you, who the fuck is she?' gestures at the look like who would wear this but OTT because we know she looks good still really and we're not trying to slag her off] Janis: [looks down like yeah, ikr 'sadly their names don't all rhyme or begin with the same letter or something as appropriately cultish so' shrugs like who knows] Jimmy: [dramatic sigh/ exhale of smoke like what a let down] Janis: ['How many continents and virtues still up for grabs?'] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: [shakes head to self thinking on how many levels Grace is an inappropriate name for her 'Not Chastity, like, or Antarctica, both so not goals for the same reason'] Jimmy: ['Whatever the hottest country is, go with that one' when you're not even joking rn you just think she's that hot blatantly] Janis: [trying not to 😳 with limited success 'yeah, such a flex, could go with a vice for a name too but be a bit on the nose, I reckon'] Jimmy: 'Depends, probably don't choose gluttony or owt but' shrugs] Janis: ['Exactly, get sexier names or get out'] Jimmy: [looking over his shoulder like you can feel Mia lurking 'about time we got back in' even though that's the last thing either of them wants] Janis: [sighs not even a bit fake 'yeah' then doesn't move] Jimmy: [puts his arm around her waist like come on but doesn't move either] Janis: [puts hers around his neck 'but I just wanna be with you' and we're pretending that's fake but it's just tea] Jimmy: ['I won't leave you with 'em again' when you 100% mean that] Janis: ['Good' resting your head on his shoulder instead of moving] Jimmy: [stroking her hair nbd] Janis: [can't stay here forever lads, maybe people are actually starting to show up] Jimmy: [get back in lads and find you have a drink waiting because Mia is trying to be #fake nice too so draw the poison symbol on her arm with your fingertip and do an IRL 🤞 before downing it] Janis: [when you look for reactions with almost genuine concern she's such a snek then you down yours, cheersing at her from across the room] Jimmy: [kiss her for the romeo and juliet ref but also just cos you wanna] Janis: [we know the vibe, this could also be the party Mia bangs Pablo maybe? jussayin] Jimmy: [that's such a good idea actually because she's so mad that the squad are team jj and Asia's got a new bf and she's losing her control honey] Janis: [mhmm, that's what I thought, it's a fuck you in the bag, like] Jimmy: [I had the hilarious mental image of JJ doing whatever this era's equivalent of tiktok is with tall tammy like that's her thing™ cos Grace has youtube] Janis: [that's so funny lmao yes must] Jimmy: [hence Mia be fuming cos 💀#2 is the only one giving her the time of day rn] Janis: [truly the Lorraine of this situation] Jimmy: [and Grace is probably trying to get with someone Mia doesn't want her to because she's jealous of jj's love] Janis: [oh what a night] Jimmy: [such fun, but they should 'accidentally' fuck up the borrowed dress in some way by the end of this] Janis: [that's also an idea, plenty of ways that could happen, soz gal lol] Jimmy: [yeah they'll enjoy that and rich girl should have a heated indoor pool they can piss about with] Janis: [such a rich teen mood to jump in in your underwear, the other guests will, the flat whites just like nooooo] Jimmy: [Asia might but the rest of them would NEVER] Janis: [oh Asia, you fun loving gal] Jimmy: [get on that 🦎 bf in the pool like] Janis: [i'm loling, what other hijinks could happen] Jimmy: [I wish they could 'accidentally' push Mia in like oh soz we were playfighting and just happened to get in the way babes] Janis: [they should, 'cos then she'd also make them all go comfort her so it'd be like 1 point them but also 1 to her] Jimmy: [give jj a flat white break for a bit cos they'd all have to help her get ready all over again too] Janis: [exactly, oh how uncool of you, play it off girl, so extra] Jimmy: [if Jimmy chucked Janis in it'd be a different story, look listen and learn gal] Janis: [at least they didn't push Grace in, the actual meltdown of it all] Jimmy: [I could never, as much as she annoys me] Janis: [we all know Janis would but we're playing nice rn so no, hmm, they could commandeer her room and go through her shit lmao no shame, obvs pretending they're banging not just like 'scuse me nosy person coming through] Jimmy: [a nice throwback to school trip when they were meant to be punished but it was just fun] Janis: [exactly dr phil...bitch probably has a diary like be cliche about it] Jimmy: [take all the pics of that #goss in case you need it later, cos she'd know the most about Mia 💀 pact and all] Janis: [mhmm mhmm, you're obviously gonna find her binge stash but that's not news] Jimmy: [fatty boy gonna eat some of it though] Janis: [think Mia's helped herself lollll] Jimmy: [you're welcome for that little domestic ladies] Janis: [death pact drama, just sow all these seeds on the low] Jimmy: [just chucking her on the bed even though you're not meant to pick her up rn and tickling her/all that good messing about because you've GOTTA mess the bed up and no other reason] Janis: [we all know the show is getting put on as if people can see lowkey] Jimmy: [can't even blame them cos even if they shamelessly didn't want to, it's what they are so used to doing by now too] Janis: [we all know you do though and that ain't getting any easier lads] Jimmy: [tea] Janis: [like to think you're fresh out the pool now too 1. for max hotness 2. so her bed is soaked lol thanks] Jimmy: [100% approved] Janis: [just pondering what else can be done and said...Harry is probably here, 'cos of the Mia of it all, do we wanna do anything with that?] Jimmy: [she would 100% invite him so yeah we definitely should do something but what? hmmmm] Janis: [we could have Mia forcing a convo moment 'cos that bitch] Jimmy: [that's real because she so would] Janis: [then it's gonna be awkward between them 'cos he's gonna be mad and she'll wanna die] Jimmy: [cheers for making tomorrow's community service even more fun Mia] Janis: [just getting y'all out of that convo as fast as you can without giving Mia too much satisfaction with it, going to the garden to smoke after but being like 'I'll leave you to it'] Jimmy: [so awkward so moody] Janis: [always ending up hiding in a bathroom or spare room or some bullshit so you can have a moment] Jimmy: [at least it would be a massive house so she can] Janis: soz Jimmy: yeah I know Janis: everyone at this party is a cunt Janis: not surprising, I know Jimmy: hang on, gonna take ages for me to @ them all Janis: you gonna turn on me then Jimmy: why would I give her owt she wants? Janis: I'm not gonna dob you in to her, like Jimmy: you wanna have a scrap? Janis: Not with you Jimmy: leave it out then Janis: Alright Jimmy: 👍 Janis: take your own advice yeah Jimmy: meaning what? Janis: don't need to do a passive-aggressive 👍 just shh Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: that better? Janis: 👍👍👍👍 Janis: that much better Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: if you've got nothing nice to say, don't emoji at me, dickhead Jimmy: how about you tell me how you reckoned this were gonna go and I'll fake the proper 🗨 for you Janis: Like I said, you don't need to say anything Janis: fake or otherwise Janis: I was just saying what I had to Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: Okay, come find me when you wanna or whatever Jimmy: come find me when you need owt Janis: Fine Jimmy: ✔ Janis: If I could undo it, I would Janis: I know it makes this shit needlessly more difficult Jimmy: don't worry, this is my piss easy job Janis: easier than serving them lattes? Jimmy: make it more obvious that you've never had to Janis: At least you don't have to spend this long fully focused on them at CG though Janis: is what I mean Jimmy: I ain't focused on 'em now Janis: only for as long as you can make a 🚬 last Jimmy: nah, they don't matter that much, is what I mean Jimmy: it's just bollocks Janis: yeah Janis: but we're still doing it Janis: so it must matter a bit Jimmy: the reasons I'm doing this is nowt to do with any of them Janis: I know the main reason Janis: but we don't need to be here for that Jimmy: the main reason were not making my life any harder, her dobbing us in has done that, so yeah, we do Janis: Yeah, it's payback Janis: so it is about her Janis: her getting some of her bullshit back won't unfuck what she's already done but might make us feel better about it Jimmy: it's about us, you just said it Jimmy: feeling better Janis: Alright Janis: it doesn't matter either way to me how you slice it Jimmy: if it doesn't matter, why are we 🗨 about it? Janis: I was asking how you found it easy Jimmy: Alright Janis: You didn't exactly answer but yeah Jimmy: you dunno 'cause you dunno nowt about me or what my life's like, there's your answer Janis: It's not that deep Janis: asking how partying with them could be easier than serving them isn't a crazy question Janis: if you don't want to answer, don't, it's fine Jimmy: like I said, if you'd ever done it you'd get that it's a bollocks question Janis: Well you know I haven't Jimmy: she ain't gonna treat me how she does there, she can't unless I were here to hand round the drinks Janis: she's a cunt Janis: I'm aware Jimmy: 🏆 Janis: she's incapable of not treating people like shit, no matter who you are to her Janis: she has them, her best friends, running 'round after her as much as she does you whenever she comes in Janis: that's what she is, I know that Jimmy: me an' all Janis: yeah, so no need to talk to me like I'm thick just 'cos I've never had to clean up after her Janis: known and been around the bitch much longer, I've had my fair share, don't worry Jimmy: I don't wanna talk about her, that's what I'm trying to get into your head Janis: We're at her party, we're doing this whole thing Janis: what else could we talk about Jimmy: nowt obvs Janis: right Jimmy: 🔈 Janis: 👍 loud and clear Jimmy: [come back in and get more drinks boy you can't 🚬 forever] Janis: [just hiding forever though] Jimmy: ? Janis: yes? Jimmy: I've got you a drink, where do you want it? Janis: Eh Janis: I'll come down Jimmy: leave all that enthusiasm up there, can't even handle how #extra that response were, my dear Janis: I'll be suitably gracious by the time I arrive, don't worry Jimmy: weren't about to lose any sleep Janis: sure, what's another fight at another party Janis: not counterintuitive at all Jimmy: I'm not gonna fight with you Jimmy: just come here Janis: Maybe I don't feel like not fighting Jimmy: I'm a dickhead, don't mean you've gotta be an' all Janis: you definitely don't get to own being a dickhead, tah very much Jimmy: I don't wanna fight with you, alright? Janis: [comes to get her drink in response] Jimmy: [hugs her in response because she knows that's a thing he genuinely does lately not a fake thing like kissing her or something would be] Janis: [hugs back of course] Jimmy: [gets her to dance with him because what better way to pretend that there's nobody else here just you two] Janis: ['mates?' when you'd have to whisper that in his ear and it's low-key the only reason you did it 'cos any excuse to be unreasonably close] Jimmy: [whispers back 'best mates' but it's said in such a flirty manner obvs] Janis: [😏 but 😍 on the low 'cos we can pretend they fake thanks party people, holds her pinky out like promise] Jimmy: [does promise of course and then just holding her hand doing some of the massage stuff from earlier on it so once again she knows it's real but it looks just like they being saucy and fake] Janis: ['I wish we were still in your bed' when you can just say it 'cos it sounds right but y'all don't even know] Jimmy: ['we can go back to mine whenever you're ready' because they have community service together in the AM anyway so it's believable that she would just stay because such a goals couple who are together 24 7 clearly] Janis: ['good' but your face on the low is like yeah right/I wish 'cos Ian hates you] Jimmy: [when you read her mind so you cup that adorable little face in your hands and you're like 'my dad's nowt to worry about' because you genuinely don't give a fuck but luckily it also sounds very romeo and juliet fuck our parents vibes so #goals] Janis: ['I don't care if you don't, but are you sure?' when you can just say what you mean and have it fit, this is so useful lmao] Jimmy: ['I just wanna be with you' because she literally said it earlier and meant it so I have to because #same] Janis: [soz gonna make out with you] Jimmy: [not soz because clearly so into it] Janis: [blurred lines remix] Jimmy: [mhmmm] Janis: [so glad your plan backfired, Mia] Jimmy: [I hope you and Harry both see this cos fuck y'all] Janis: [she's always watching lmao] Jimmy: [enjoy their love bitch] Janis: [the levels of get a room they are at rn has never been higher] Jimmy: [god bless, love that for you especially because as far as everyone knows you literally did get a room earlier but you were just snooping lol] Janis: [just like they insatiable, which is true but not yet lol Jimmy: [you know nobody's ever been that into any of the flat whites, sucks to suck ladies] Janis: [when parties make you sad 'cos people being 😍] Jimmy: [the realest] Janis: [you two gonna have to tone it down 'fore you alienate them totally rn] Jimmy: [I'm trying to think what else they could do to annoy Mia/win the rest over within this party setting] Janis: [hmm maybe some kind of game moment or similar vibe where they can just be really cute about each other with their answers so the rest are like awh idk] Jimmy: [yeah drinking games are always real and they could do some cute teamwork too but also pick a flat white to team up with maybe so Mia will be fuming] Janis: [basically be up for a laugh 'cos Mia is NEVER and discourages it like no, that's lame etc] Jimmy: [exactly they'd be living their best lives, except 💀#2] Jimmy: [they gonna win you over too though girl cos nothing will annoy Mia more] Janis: [gotta get her nearest and dearest, like but gonna have to play the long game with that one] Jimmy: [when he's gonna end up having fun even though he hates everyone but Janis highkey] Janis: [the mood] Jimmy: [you deserve it boy after all that bullshit with Ian and the like] Janis: [community service in the AM baby] Jimmy: [at least they're not drunk af this time so they won't have to do it really hungover] Janis: [and it's gonna lowkey be fun we know anyway even if they don't yet] Jimmy: [you're gonna love it lads] Janis: [again, they have not thought your punishment through here and I'm about it] Jimmy: [how real is that though, oh adults] Janis: [at least Grace can tell Cali she's at his and they will be suitably fuming, get the parental hate rolling on both sides] Jimmy: [yeah we gotta] Janis: [like you don't know safer than what her actual plan was, 'scuse you] Jimmy: [Yeah Grace would be happy that she's there like thank god] Janis: [least you're not dead vibes] Jimmy: [or gone forever who knows where] Janis: [like tomorrow night is anyone's guess lads] Jimmy: [just stay with him always girl we know you wanna] Janis: [obvs but how long can you fake stay with someone hmm] Jimmy: [how long can you guys share a bed and nothing happens more like lol] Janis: [exactly dr phil, can't exactly be on his sofa can you] Jimmy: [I was thinking for tonight we could cockblock them by saying Bobby and Twix are in his bed asleep when they get back cos miss him #adorable so he wakes up when they come in and Jimmy has to go sleep with him in his room because we all know if they share a bed rn we won't be able to stop something real happening even if that's only a kiss or something] Janis: [I accept that, we can always do online messages then too so] Jimmy: [soz about the levels of frustration though lads] Janis: [we're just cockblocking 'til it's silly we all know it] Jimmy: [you've brought this on yourselves, just say how you really feel or do something undeniable when you're alone] Janis: [my boo say say it you cowards] Jimmy: [I do, I'm mad which makes no sense because fake dating is my fave and that ends it junie you silly goose] Janis: [we don't/won't push it 'til it makes no sense lol, but we can move it to a place of 'we can just be fuck buddies and carry on the fake' as if that's not even more of a headfuck guys] Jimmy: [god bless, that'll be fun and games so we simply must make that more of a thing than we did before] Janis: ['cos it's a way to admit some shit, like yeah, obvs this chemistry is real but still be like, we don't LIKE each other though] Jimmy: [a very them thing to do we all know it] Janis: [see 'let's be mates' baby steps] Jimmy: [we are sneaky gals and I'm about it] Janis: [still, not tonight sweaties] Jimmy: [we could maybe have something happen at the rave/festival whichever that we've still gotta do though] Janis: [that is a good idea, and maybe they invite the flat whites to that so they have their tent near each other whatever and it's another thing Mia would HATE] Jimmy: [yaaaaas] Janis: [hohaha its a plan, you probably can leave this party now though and skip] Jimmy: [going hard because your tent is next to theirs but then it's less and less about that we 👀 you, but yeah for now you can go lads and have your night not end at all like how you want because we're rude like that] Janis: [shameless, but Imma just say night 'cos see above lol] Janis: 🛏💤 Jimmy: chuck the 🐕 out if it does your head in Janis: she's alright Janis: passed out ages ago Jimmy: bit of a lightweight Janis: just my magic touch, like Jimmy: give her a massage an' all? Jimmy: know how to make a lad feel special you 💔 Janis: 💔 Janis: nah, if you'd settle for head pats my life would be easier but here we are Jimmy: I've never said I wouldn't Jimmy: be proper goals any road, they don't want a lad, they want a pet Jimmy: 🐸 or 🦎 Janis: 😏 Janis: well I'm with PETA on this one Janis: rather it was a lad than some totally defenseless creature, like Jimmy: must be pissed if you're admitting how 💪🏆 I am Janis: Hardly Janis: but every lad they ever get their hands on at least gets a few punches in themselves Janis: if the 😭💔 is anything to go by, even if you halved it to account for dramatics Jimmy: must be 💕 then Janis: Clearly Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: what were it you said, if you ain't got nowt nice to say, don't emoji at me, dickhead Janis: you wouldn't complain if it were a 💘 Jimmy: so go on Janis: 🖤😎🥇 Jimmy: 😏 Janis: try harder Janis: those are your favourites, like Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: Alright? Janis: I'll take it Jimmy: [sends her a pic of Bobby asleep all over him in this tiny bed like an adorable sos] Janis: Aww Janis: crazy night here too, obvs Jimmy: if you had socks on you'd wake up without 'em Jimmy: hardened criminal that 🐕 Janis: Sounds like a dubious cover for some #kinkunlocked behaviour tbh Janis: but I'll take your word for it Janis: even if she looks like an 😇 Jimmy: might be one of hers but I've 👀 and 🖐 your feet and you're alright, tah Janis: When you broke 'em, you mean Janis: hm Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: it were your own fault Janis: You wanna go to bed on an argument then, alright Jimmy: you know I don't Janis: yeah Janis: feel a bit rude cussing you out when I know there's a kid like 😴 on your shoulder anyway Jimmy: you can always go through my shit if you're well mardy at me Jimmy: my diary's hidden proper Janis: 😏 Janis: wouldn't even be surprised if you had a diary Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: you know I can't read or write, Jenna Janis: picture book then Janis: even artier Jimmy: 🥔 prints Jimmy: get me in a northern gallery that Janis: don't be pissing about with 🥔 Janis: sacrilege Jimmy: coal then Janis: long as you keep it off your face Janis: know what you're like Jimmy: Oi Janis: I should be oing you Jimmy: we're playing nice, you agreed Janis: Don't you think I'm being nice? Jimmy: Don't make me come in there Janis: Or what Jimmy: I'll sort you out, girl Jimmy: bed time or nah Janis: yeah right Jimmy: Challenge accepted Jimmy: keep going, see if I don't Janis: You've never sorted me out before Janis: no reason to be 🙀 that tonight is any different Jimmy: [cue him going in for the flirtiest but quietest playfight they've EVER had because I have to] Janis: [what a moment bye] Jimmy: [the TENSION I cannot] Janis: [we dying boys] Jimmy: [like what are you gonna do now boy just leave like it never happened or are you gonna try and stay? I'd love to know] Janis: [lmao please tell] Jimmy: [can we let him or is that too dangerous oh the dilemma] Janis: you have slept with each other before like that but is either of you that sleepy rn hmm] Jimmy: [we know they're not tired we 👀 you] Janis: [mhmm, I'm like bitch don't you ask him to stay either] Jimmy: [I'll make him go back, we must be strong] Janis: [okay hehe] Jimmy: [unless something did happen and then it makes community service awkward oh ho] Janis: [that's an idea] Jimmy: [like if one of them freaks out somehow how they do and we've done before in other situations idk] Janis: [yeah, or is shamelessly ignoring lowkey tomorrow like that never happened, either one of them could, like] Jimmy: [yeah because y'all ain't even drunk so you can't use the don't remember excuse] Janis: [we all know you remember and there was no pretense of having a phone nearby or whatever] Jimmy: [the question is how far are we gonna let them go and who's taking the plunge] Janis: [hmm, we can save all the way for later, I think he should 'cos blatantly egging him like the whole time they're 'fighting' it's not subtext] Jimmy: [I agree with that and he's not gonna back down because the whole challenge and 'you've never sorted me out before' comment so he's clearly gotta in all the ways Harry has never] Janis: [Exactly, we know what she was saying there and so do they] Jimmy: [when he makes you feel amazing and then leaves like a sexy 👻 because the flimsy excuse of hearing someone and thinking your brother is awake again or something] Janis: [who's ignoring who tomorrow or are we both, what's the vibe of it] Jimmy: [I feel like he should ignore her because he did it so how real but how shady] Janis: [I vibe, then she can be mad and initiate the awkward convo/argument like 'scuse me] Jimmy: [yeah because she probably didn't get chance to do much to him because he was on a #mission with a point to prove so she's probably thinking it's a mmfd to be continued kind of situation like IOU boy and then he's so rude] Janis: [that's a plan, will post this one now though]

[scullyy]

Little One

Title: Little One (a sequel to Positive or Negative)

Pairing: Clementine x Louis

Word Count: 5046 

Summary: Nine months have gone by and Clementine can't take being pregnant anymore, but labour seems so much worse than she originally thought.

A/N: This is going to remain a two-part series since I feel as though I covered the story I wanted to share. This is also dedicated to @goofy-gomez who left such kind words on the first part. I hope you enjoy this one too.

-

The baby was one week late.

And what a fucking mess it was.

Clementine snapped at anyone who so much as coughed too loudly, Louis wasn’t cracking as many jokes, even Rosie seemed down in the dumps. She wouldn’t play catch with AJ anymore, letting the ball roll past her instead to the tall grass.

It was bad enough that the baby hadn't been kicking at all the past two weeks. Clementine had gone into panic parent mode once again. Something she hoped to experience only once with AJ. It kept her awake at night and whatever sleep she got was plagued by disturbing dreams with enough detail to make her throw up.

Clementine slid her fingers over the engravings made in the wooden table, her eyes finding shapes amongst the pink clouds. Another nightmare had tormented her once again, it was like clockwork. “I hope you're okay in there,” She slid her hand her little bump. Louis had tried multiple times to tell her that it wasn't too small, that it was perfect. 

Of course, he'd say that. He's the bloody father. 

“We're all waiting for you to arrive, so please hurry. It's getting uncomfortable.”

Clementine looked out at the rising sun and yawned. Sleep was hard to come by these days, even without the dreams her body is holding a little person. Leaving Louis in bed was the morning’s biggest challenge, given that his arm was always draped over her belly.

“Clem? What are you doing awake sugar?”

Clementine looked at her friend walking closer to the table, eager to see Ruby's warm smile.

“Couldn't sleep, it's hard to get comfortable these days.” She pointed to her little bump, bringing a chuckle out of Ruby.

She slid in next to Clementine, noticing how deep the circles under her bronze eyes were. “Don't blame ya. I couldn't sleep either so I thought I'd watch the sunrise, sure glad to have some company.”

Having Ruby as a makeshift midwife was great, whenever she wasn't hovering over Clementine like she was now. Ruby's worried expression didn't slide past her, the squinting eyes gave it away.

“What's the matter, Ruby?”

“Just worrin’ about you and the baby. It's what I do best Clem,” Ruby played with some dirt beneath her fingertips, eager to get rid of it.

It was a mutual feeling, not just between them but everyone in their group. Clementine saw their nervous glances, the way their eyes lingered a little too long on her stomach. When they told everyone nine months ago it took time to convince them that this would go well, that nothing bad would happen as long as they all remained calm.

Ironic.

“How's Louis?”

“He's dealing with it. Each day that goes by with no sign of the baby becomes more challenging for him. He's putting on a brave front but I know it hurts.” Clementine glanced back at the school, wondering if Louis was awake yet. He was a light sleeper, probably already wondering where the hell she had wandered off to this time.

Ruby reached over to Clem's hand and held it tightly. “I'm sure it'll be just fine,”

Clementine squeezed back as she and Ruby gazed at the clouds, enjoying their moment of solitude whilst they could.

-

“Be careful out there, okay?”

Clementine adjusted the collar of Louis’s trench coat, somehow it still fit him after all these years. Not that she was complaining, it looked rather dashing on him.

“I promise. Nothing can go wrong when I have trusty Chairles,” Louis swung the grimy bat over his shoulder, giving Clem a confident smile. “You be careful too, take it easy with the kid. Keep him safe.”

“Him? So it’s a boy now?”

“It’s gonna be a boy, I can feel it. It’s like magic,” Louis gently poked her stomach with his finger, hoping for a kick to lift his spirits. Alas, nothing. “Love you Clemster.”

“I love you too,”

Louis and Aasim went off on their daily check of the traps. Clementine stopped going with them three months ago, Louis got parental paranoia about the baby being hurt. She watched the boys walk out into the forest, disappearing behind a cascade of trees.

“He’s right Clem,” Violet stomped up to her, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “You should rest.”

“That’s all I’ve been doing the past two months,” Clem pushed the hand away, suddenly feeling very intolerant to the human touch. “Is there nothing I can do to help? It’ll be snowing soon and we need to prepare.”

Watching everyone else prepare for the winter had Clementine feeling useless. They were chopping wood, making blankets and hunting day and night, all while Clementine was sitting in bed, clutching her belly in pain and throwing up into a rusty bucket she had named Phillip.

Violet looked around the field, trying to pick out an easy job. “Okay, you can help AJ on watch.”

It wasn’t her favourite job, but it was something. AJ was always good for some laughs too. She climbed the rocky ladder with little assistance from Violet and AJ, even though she didn’t want it.

“Thanks goofball, seen anything yet?” Clem slowly sat herself down across from AJ, immediately staring at a monarch butterfly on the wall of the school.

AJ wiped some grime from the lens of the binoculars. “A few walkers, nothing out of the ordinary. The cold is starting to slow them down.”

Clementine let out a chuckle as she adjusted her coat. “It’s weird, hearing you call them walkers. When you were younger you would call them monsters,” She looked at the young man sitting across from her. He was thirteen now, yet he acted like a fully grown adult. “You’ve certainly grown up.”

“And yet you still call me goofball.”

Clementine gently kicked his foot. “That will never change.”

AJ laughed, secretly happy that he wasn’t about to lose his nickname. They took turns gazing through the binoculars, telling old stories and memories to pass the time. The soft winds wrapped them up in a cocoon, the way it was before they first came to the school all those years ago.

Clementine often wondered, on her darkest nights, what she and AJ would have become without the school. The kids - well they’re not kids anymore - had given them both so much, and now to help with a baby-

“Argh!”

AJ jumped out his daydream, instantly panicking when he saw how Clementine was clutching her stomach.

“Clem...there’s water…”

Clementine looked down at where AJ was pointing, seeing a dark patch grow from her crotch.

“Oh fuck.”

Ruby, Violet and Tenn immediately ran over to the post, wondering why AJ looked so grossed out and why Clem looked so angry.

“What the fuck is happening?” Violet called out.

Clementine pulled herself to her feet, ignoring the tears that burned the corner of her eyes. “Guys, it's happening!”

-

She bit the towel with such urgency, calling bullshit on what Ruby said. “It’ll take your mind off the pain.” No matter how hard Clementine bit the damp towel, the pain in her abdomen hurt more than anything else in her life. 

“AJ, we need some water. Willy, stay on watch. As soon as you see Lou and Aasim get their attention. Tenn, grab all the blankets you can. Ruby and I will-”

“Gah!”

Violet winced at Clementine’s fifth scream and counting, they seemed to get progressively louder.

“-try to keep her calm.”

Everyone ran off to follow their duties. They had been preparing for months now, but drills were nothing compared to the real thing. Willy ran off on shaky legs whilst Tenn had to drag AJ away from Clementine. 

“Clem, I need you to take deep breaths.” Ruby helped Clementine lay down on her bed, arranging the pillows accordingly.

“How the fuck is that going to help? I have a towel in my mouth!” Clem snapped. Her muffled words didn’t help soften the blow.

“Just keep quiet, we don’t need any walkers hearing you,” Violet scanned out the window, eyeing down a walker trudging outside the school.

Fucker better not get any closer.

The world around Clementine was blurry. Her mind off in a distant land as she tried to make sense of where she was. “Where’s Louis?” His company had been spoiling her since the day they met, without his dumb jokes everything seemed so much heavier.

Ruby took the towel out of her mouth just as AJ and Tenn ran back with a jug of water. She swiftly dipped the towel in and rested it against Clementine’s sweaty forehead.

“He’ll be back real soon, don’t you worry now.” To say that Ruby was panicking was a huge understatement, Miss Martin never prepared her for this! She rolled her sleeves up and grabbed some questionable gloves, praying that her knowledge was enough.

Clementine turned to the window, hoping that Louis would walk through the school gates any moment now and take her pain away.

-

It was a shit haul, one rabbit between the two of them. Better than nothing but when you have one woman eating for two, food is top priority.

“You are oddly quiet Louis, what’s wrong?” Aasim slowed down and walked in time with the boy behind him.

Louis kicked a stone near his feet, trying to find a simple distraction. “I’m fine, just thinking.”

“I know you more than you probably realise. You’re thinking about Clem, right?”

Goddamn, this boy and his intellectual capabilities. “When am I not thinking about her?” His rhetorical question was met with an eye roll.

“I’m sure the baby is alright. Trust me I know what happens when a birth goes wrong,” Aasim noticed the concerned glance from Louis yet chose silence. Now wasn’t the right time to talk about his little sister. “Is Willy alright?”

Louis and Aasim squinted their eyes at the kid who was failing his arms like a rabid animal. “Louis! Aasim! It's go time!”

“Why must he shout everything?” Aasim groaned as he swung his axe over his shoulder. “What’s wrong Willy?”

Willy jumped from the tower, avoiding the ladder entirely. “Clem and the baby! It’s happening!”

Louis’s ears perked up at the sound of her name. Immediately throwing caution to the wind, he slammed the gates open, charging full speed at the school.

As soon as he entered the hall her screams became audible, sending his blood cold. It was echoing all around him, as if his nightmares had come to life. Tracking down the noise to their room, he threw the door wide open, causing Violet and Tenn to jump.

“There you are!” It was the first time Violet was relieved to be in Louis’s presence. “Shit is gonna go down if we don’t help.”

“Clem,” Louis pushed past his friend and leaned down to a crying Clementine. A damp towel was draped over her head, the pillow beneath her coated in sweat and water. 

“What took you so long!?”

Louis winced, still not used to the yelling voice she had adopted recently. Not taking it to heart, he stroked her hair the way he does whenever she wakes up from a nightmare, his fingers twirling through the damp curls.

“You’ll be okay, it’ll be over soon.”

“Alright, there are too many people in this room, so unless you’re the father let’s go.” Violet ushered AJ and Tenn out, closing the door behind her just as Aasim arrived.

Ruby shooed Louis away, getting him to sit on a stool by the desk. “I got Omar to start preparing food. This baby is gonna need it.”

Louis ran his sweaty palms over his ripped jeans. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Can you try keepin’ her calm? It’ll be easier if she relaxes.” Ruby was frantically searching through her medic kit. For the past nine months, she had been collecting anything that could be useful; medical books, tape, bandages, pads and even alcohol wipes, yet it still didn’t seem like enough.

“Is the baby on its way?”

“It’s just labour, the baby won’t be here for another few hours.”

Louis kneeled down next to Clem, wiping her tears with his dirty sleeve. “You’ll be okay,”.

“It...it’s going now,” Clementine let out a sigh of relief as her cramps subsided, her body relaxing into the bed.

Ruby flipped through a dusty medical book Aasim found for her, scanning quickly through the chapter regarding labour. “It’ll come back-”

“-Oh god.” Clementine squeezed the bed sheets feverishly, wanting nothing more than to be done with it all.

“-just breathe and you’ll be fine.”

Louis took her clenched hand and kissed it gently. “You got this Clem. Just think, in a few hours we’ll have our baby.” Even if she was too far into unbearable pain to really comprehend his words, Clem knew deep down that this was worth it.

~

Things weren’t any better on the other side of the door. Violet was pacing in small circles, biting at the flesh around her nails. Willy had gone back to his post, doing just as he was asked. Tenn was trying to comfort AJ, who was rocking back and forth in a mad state.

“What if she dies?” AJ’s question brought everyone down. It was a sad truth that no one else had the guts to mention. “My mom died not long after having me. I don’t wanna lose her too.”

Violet kneeled down to his level, trying her best to be warm and inviting. “She’ll be alright AJ. Ruby is watching over her and she’s got medical skills coming out her ass.”

Clementine’s screams escaped the small room as Louis slid out the door, his chest was rising and falling dramatically. “I...I gotta go and see Omar about the food.” He walked inside the shadows against the wall, his jittery hands didn’t quell AJ’s fears.

“Lou! Wait up,” Violet caught up with her friend, trying to make eye contact with him. “How is she?”

Louis shrugged. “She’s alive at least,” His toes curled in his boots as her screams replayed in his mind. He had seen her cry, shout and beat a walker till his skull had turned to putty. But never scream from such pain. “I don’t know what to do Vi. I hate seeing her like this.”

Violet opened the door for Louis, taking note of his poor posture. “There’s nothing you can really do about that Louis. Quit beating yourself up,” She punched his shoulder with a little too much enthusiasm. “That’s my job.”

He smiled at his friend, grateful for what she was trying to do. “Hey, Chef Omar!” Louis called out, getting the attention of the young man who had been situated by the stew majority of the day.

“How is Clementine?” Omar’s voice was calm and quiet, making Louis a tad jealous.

“She’s alright, Ruby wanted to see how the food was doing.”

He continued to stir the pot, taking a small peek into it. “It will be ready soon, I want to make sure it’s right. I’ll bring it in when it’s complete.”

Louis kicked a small pile of dirt at his feet. “Thanks, Omar,” He nodded at the master chef before turning back on his heels, Violet following closely.

“I wish I was as calm as he was,” Violet joked. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him raise his voice.” This time Louis held the door open for her, dreading the sight he’ll be welcome to again once he goes back into Clementine’s room.

It’s worse for her.

Ruby was standing outside with AJ closely wrapped in her arms. Louis picked up the pace, almost skidding past them completely. “Is everything okay?

“She’s doing fine,” Never had Ruby said something so beautiful. “She’s been wantin’ to talk to everyone, Tenn’s in there now.”

Louis placed a firm hand on AJ’s shoulder, bringing his attention form Ruby. “You okay little dude?” He wasn’t really little anymore, but the nickname brought comfort to both of them.

“I guess.”

Ruby passed the kid into Louis’s arms, smiling at Tenn as he walked out of the room. “She wants to talk to you, Louis.”

He ran his hand through AJ’s messy hair, granting him the whisper of a smile before returning to his humble abode. Clementine looked up from her belly, her comforting gaze slowed down his thumping heart.

“How you doing?” Clementine adjusted herself, flinching when her spine cracked in three places. “You had to go to a school with the worst mattresses didn’t you?” She teased.

Louis closed the door gently and pulled up the stool next to her. “I should be the one asking if you’re okay.”

“But I asked first.”

He took her hand and gave it a small squeeze. “I’m alright, been thinking of all the dad jokes I’ll be able to make soon,” Clementine’s eyes welled up with tears, sending shivers down Louis’s spine. “Are you still in pain?”

“I’m terrified,” She admitted, a weight being lifted off her aching shoulders. There was a slight crack in her voice as she blinked away the tears. “What if I die Louis?” It felt like a punch to the chest, knocking the wind out of him.  “It’s a possibility…”

“No, don’t talk like that-”

“-Can you please just listen?”

Louis clamped his mouth shut as Clem took a deep breath. “You know there is a chance I might, no point in ignoring it.” She took both of his cold hands in her own, appreciating the callouses and fine lines that had developed over the years. “Just promise me you’ll take care of AJ, please. He’s lost enough already.”

Of course, her primary concern was for AJ. Here she is, in pain, about to give birth, taking a risk to start a family. Yet her sole concern was for AJ, the person who taught her that love still exists. Her soul was stronger than steel.

“Of course my darlin’,” He laid a ghostly kiss to her knuckles. “You will live through this Clem, you’re a badass.”

Clementine rolled her eyes, turning her head at the sound of the door handle rattling. AJ stood on the other side, his head hanging low, a small cup of water in his hands. “Violet thought you might want some.” He passed the cracked cup onto her, letting the fresh glass cool down her palms.

“Thanks, kiddo. How are you doing?”

AJ sat on the side of the bed, prodding at the ground with the tip of his foot. “I’m okay. How are you?”

Clementine savoured the taste of fresh water before continuing. “I’m alright, just uncomfortable.” Her body disagreed with her statement as another sharp pain hit her. Louis immediately swiped the cup from her hands as Clementine hunched over her stomach, biting her tongue to hold back the screams.

Ruby burst through the door, ushing AJ and Louis away. “Damn! I think she’s headin’ to stage two quicker than I thought.”

Lous whipped his head at her. “What the fuck is stage two?”

“It means the baby is coming!”

Clementine reached for the tin bucket with nothing but pure urgency, throwing up all that water she had just consumed. “Oh god..” She mumbled into the grimy bucket.

AJ grabbed the towel from the dresser with trembling hands and passed it to Clem. “Thanks.” She wiped her mouth with the damp fabric, trying her best not to notice the taste of vomit lingering on her tongue.

“Hey AJ,” Violet called, her head sticking through the doorway. “Why don’t you come out and hang with Tenn? Maybe you two and make a drawing for the baby.”

“Alright,” AJ was hesitant to leave, but he waved bye to Clem as he joined Tenn and his array of coloured pencils outside.

“Thought you could use some more privacy,” Violet gave Clem a thumbs up as she closed the door once again.

Ruby laid some towels by Clem’s legs. “You ready Clem?” She didn’t have much of a choice, no matter how hard she shook her head. Louis pulled the stool closer to the bed, not letting go of her hand. “I’m right here, you’re gonna be fine.”

Clementine squeezed her eyes shut as Ruby started telling her to push, pulling the pillow out from beneath her and slamming her face into it, screaming until her lungs burned.

-

Violet was biting the skin around her nails now, eyes darting back and forth between the door and AJ.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” 

The screams on the other side of the door said otherwise. 

“It’s normal to be in pain, you remember what she told you?”

AJ nodded, recalling the day Clem told him she was pregnant.

“That means you’re having a baby, right?”

“Yeah, I am. I just want you to know that it will be hard, it isn’t a fun thing to go through so I need you to be prepared when the day comes. Got it?”

AJ nodded, puffing out his chest. “I’ll be ready.”

Safe to say he wasn’t by the way his hands were clenched around the pencil, the tips of his knuckles turning white. “I know, just gotta breathe.”

The smell of spices filled the noses of the trio as Omar and Willy came into view, each holding a small bowl of soup. “How is she?” Omar asked as he set the bowl next to AJ.

Violet eyed down the soup, wondering if Omar had any left over.  “It just started, who knows how long it will take,” She turned her attention to Willy, raising an eyebrow at his presence. “Why aren’t you keeping watch?”

Willy’s eyes darted back and forth between Vi and Omar. “I didn’t want to miss it!”

-

Oh. Fucking. Shit.

Louis forgot how to breathe as he stared in abject horror at his girlfriend. The pillow still held tightly over her face, suffocating her monstrous cries. A wave of guilt washed over Louis as he murmured an apology to his own mom, she had to go through this shit twice!

"You're doing great Clem," Ruby reassured. "Just keep calm." Clementine flung the pillow off her head, slamming it into the wall beside her. "How can I be calm?!” She shouted. It had become a routine, say something nice to Clem and she’d bite your head off. "It'll be over soon," Louis squeezed her hand for the umpteenth time. "Want to hear a story?" "Those only work on AJ!" "Alrighty then, how about a song?" Louis cleared his throat, earning a signature eye roll from Ruby. "Oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin' Clementine. You are sweet and full of sunshine," He noted the stare she was giving him, returning it with a smile. "I'm not sorry Clementine." His lyrics brought a vivid blush to her cheeks, her heart rate slowing down at his soft-spoken voice. "Bright she was and like an angel, she was loved by everyone. Helping others soon a mother, how I love you, Clementine." They gazed into each other's eyes as Louis stroked her cheek, wiping her tears away. His mouth opened slightly, two words getting caught in the back of his throat. "Marry me." It was only a whisper, yet it carried such a weighty promise. Clementine's jaw hung open, unsure of what to say. Her silence suddenly morphed into an uncontrolled shriek that shook Ruby to the core. "It's just the baby's shoulders, Clem, it's gonna hurt a lot." And oh boy it did. The sharp stab of dog teeth, the sting of a bullet to the chest, the shocking pain of losing a finger, all were little paper cuts compared to this. "Fuck!" Clementine yelled as Louis winced, she had a hell of a strong grip on him. She tried her best to sit still, her torso bending each time the pain wracked her body. It felt like annular nails were being dragged down her body over and over again.  And just like magic, it stopped. It was over as quickly as it had begun. Clementine gave a loud gasp as the pain - that could only be described as unholy - vanished from her body. It was replaced by the blissful sound of a gurgle, then a small cry. Ruby chuckled, tears immediately brimming her eyes. "It's a girl Clem." Had he not been sitting, Louis would have fallen to the floor. "A girl?" He whispered. Clem slowly lifted herself onto her elbows and through blurry vision, saw a small being in Ruby's arms. Ruby wiped the baby clean with a damp cloth, cut the cord with a quick snip and wrapped her up in a decently clean blanket. "I knew you could do it," She passed the baby onto Louis. "I'll give y'all some time alone." Ruby wiped her hands clean for the final time before leaving the room, immediately telling the anxious bunch on the other side to be quiet. He held her like she was made of glass. "She's so...small." Clementine let out a well-awaited giggle that turned into a raspy coughing fit. "You're prediction was wrong. She certainly isn't a boy." Louis shook his head. "I don't care, she's perfect Clem," He poked the very tip of the small girl’s nose, marvelling at how delicate it was. "You did amazing." "It sucked, but you were right. She was worth it." She laid back down onto her back, her hand slowly stroking the baby's stomach. "Did you mean what you said? About wanting to...get married?" Louis lifted his head up, giving Clem a toothy grin. "Of course. Clementine, my darlin', will you ma-" She didn’t bother to wait for him, not when she already knew her answer. "Yes." "Ah, well," He swallowed back the rest of his romantic speech. "That's good, yay!" Louis hesitantly removed one arm from the baby and dug around in his pocket, pulling out a dull ring. "I know it isn't a lot but-" "Where did you find it?" Clem stared at the ring, trying to make out what the engraving was on the outside. It was still a lovely ring, gold flecks shined through the rust, glowing against the midday sun. "When I was checking the traps with Aasim today. I saw it near our rabbit traps and I just knew that this was right. I love you, so much and nothing can take that away." Clementine bit her lip, a smirk creeping onto her face. "I love you too." He slowly slipped the ring onto her finger, pulling her into a kiss as soon as it was securely on. The violent pounding on the door broke them out of their fantasy world. "Can we come in yet we're dying out here!" Violet called out from the other side. "Come in!" Louis called. Immediately the door was swung open, a hustle of kids bounding inside. "Let's get a glimpse of the kid," Violet leaned over Louis, slamming her foot into the ground as soon as she saw that precious face. "She's fucking cute Louis. You sure she's yours?" That earned a punch to the arm from Louis. "I am positive. Don't even try to deny my handsome features." AJ pushed his way through the crowd, going straight to Clem's side. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm okay. Just sore and tired." She gave his shoulder a light squeeze, the look of relief on his face helped soothe her own worries. AJ turned to the little girl, wondering why people thought she was cute. She looked more like an alien. "What's her name?" Louis and Clementine glanced at each other, trying their best to play it innocently. "Well..." Violet threw her hands into the air. "You guys still haven't decided?!" ONE YEAR LATER: "This one is the A key, then here we got the B key, and you have no idea what I'm saying do you?" Louis poked the chubby cheek of the little girl in his lap. His little girl. "That's okay, we'll make a master pianist out of you someday." The girl gave a little babble, her slender fingers reaching for the keys. The way they shined nabbed her attention. Louis pushed her forward slightly, allowing her to reach the C key. She pressed it slowly, jumping at the sound. "Nice work, Diana. You're a natural," He tickled her stomach, the girl erupting into gurgled laughter. “I wanted to name you Mozart, but your mom wouldn’t have it. It’s a shame really, but see the thing is I’m totally whipped, so whatever your mom says goes. We love her though, so it’s all good.” The creaking of the grand door caught Diane's attention, her big brown eyes darting between Louis and the sound. "Am I interrupting?" Clementine slid her body in, smiling at the sight she was welcomed to. She sat herself down next to Louis, shaking Diana's little finger. "Just trying to teach this one how to play," Louis kissed Clem's cheek, trying his best to not laugh at Diana’s bewildered expression. "Lou she doesn't even know how to walk properly.” "Nonetheless, she's gonna do so many amazing things," He moved her over to Clem's lap, the girl latching onto her mother's coat instantly. "Like her mom." Clementine pushed his shoulder, his words turning her heart to complete and utter mush. "You're a weirdo." "But you married this weirdo. What does that say about you?" Louis poked the side of her stomach, bringing out a gentle giggle from her. Clementine pretended to think over it. "That I'm a lucky girl?" To this day she can still make his heart do cartwheels. "I reckon we're both lucky." He cracked his knuckles before spreading his hands over the keys, playing a familiar tune that brought Clem endless peace. "I'll write you a song one day Diana when you're older and able to understand what it means. For now, you can just sit there and look as adorable as ever."  Clementine leaned her head against Louis's shoulder, letting the smooth music to lull her into a calm state. She ran her hand over Diana's back, her eyes drooping quickly. The world had slowed down long enough for the family to be just that; a family. No one, living or dead, could tear them apart.

#twdg #the walking dead game #twdgs4 #clementine twdg #the walking dead game season four #twdg louis #louisentine #clouis #fanfiction #xscullyx

[ashlynncoy-blog]

Misfire: Critical Condition, Part V

Here’s your next installment of angst.

It’s angsty, but necessary. If you want/need to catch up with parts I-IV, follow the #Misfire Verse tag at the bottom to find other installments.

Have...er… fun?

 Leia had kept her apartment in the Alderaanian Embassy since her first term in the Imperial Senate. It had been a compromise at the time—a way she could live on her own as an adult while being simultaneously still under the protection of her parents. At sixteen years old, it had felt a little less like freedom than she’d imagined for herself as a newly-invested Senator, but in the intervening years, it had come to feel as much like home as the palace on Alderaan.

Even when she’d been reported killed by the Empire, the staff had kept her rooms pristine, and she’d always felt safe within their walls. The central government had no authority to enter the sovereign Embassy of Alderaan without significant legal rigamarole. And although she had never fully trusted them never to violate their own laws thusly, she had been sure they wouldn’t have occasion to do so unexpectedly.

As far as she knew, no Imperial had ever entered her embassy apartment save the scarce few functionaries she’d entertained by invitation. Tonight the man she’d invited in was no Imperial, but still she wondered if he might leave tonight as her enemy. She sincerely hoped not.

The lights were dim and the fire was low as she poured two glasses of local desert wine for herself and Isolder. It was a taste she’d developed on Hapes, one of the few souvenirs of her relationship with the Hapan prince she was sure to take with her for the rest of her life. She’d had the finest local vintage she could get on such short notice ferried over to her as soon as Isolder had agreed to meet her for the evening.

“Thank you for agreeing to come down tonight,” Leia said to him as she crossed the room, glasses in hand. “I know ship’s time and local time aren’t always in agreement. I’m sorry if I’ve inconvenienced you.”

“Think nothing of it,” Isolder replied, taking a glass from her hand and bringing it to his nose for a sniff. Leia watched him as he examined the wine—just the same as he’d examined dozens of glasses over the course of their courtship. Smelling it, rolling it around in the glass, and finally bringing it to his lips for the smallest taste.

He was a refined man of refined manners. And, stars, he was handsome. His chiseled jaw and soft blond hair were the stuff of holonovelas. Could she have loved him if she’d just tried a little harder. Leia brought her own glass to her nose, following in the Prince’s example of how to treat an unknown vintage.

No. She was sure. She had tried. She’d tried to love him and she’d tried to find ways to make things work even when she was sure she wouldn’t. She did her best to smile as she swirled her wine in its glass.

Isolder set his drink down and took one of her hands in both of his.

“Dear Leia,” he said, his gray-blue eyes drilling into hers, “tell me what’s on your mind,” he implored. “Something is vexing you, and I would very much like to know what it is.”

“You really do know me well,” she said, feeling her smile grow sadder as she nodded her head. “In fact,” she continued, “I think you already know what I’m about to say.”

Isolder squeezed her hands and took a deep breath. With a nod, he reached for his glass. He took a measured sip before looking back at her.

“That when the Song of War returns to Hapes, you will not be aboard.”

“No,” Leia affirmed, “no I won’t.”

“I will admit I am not surprised,” Isolder said back. “Disappointed, yes, but not surprised.”

Leia took a sip of her drink and did her best to gather her thoughts. She had meant to wait a few days to have this conversation—to have plenty of time to sort things out in her own head and to be as reasoned and articulate as possible in the moment. But after the talk she’d just had with her father, waiting even one day felt dishonest. She didn’t want to string Isolder along for a moment longer than she had to.

“I have had a wonderful time these past months,” she told him. “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and your planet, and your people. It’s astounding. The Hapes Consortium is a true treasure. But I think you’ll agree I’m not the proper queen to rule it.”

Isolder nodded. He took another swallow from his glass before leaning forward, perching his elbows on his knees, and frowning.

“I will admit I had my reservations over time as to your suitability to serve as Queen Mother,” he told her frankly, “but I was willing to trust your own assessment of yourself. If you found yourself fit for the job, then I would never dare to think otherwise.”

“I appreciate your confidence in me. And I’m glad we both agree that I’d be a poor fit to serve your people. I’m just not well versed enough in the methods of governance your people would expect from me.”

“Even the way you speak of rule as to serve,” he said back, a chuckle in his voice that Leia had come to know as a sound of amused wonderment, “that goes contrary to everything we believe. Your ideas about dynastic monarchy are quite radical,” he declared, “especially for a princess.”

“An adopted princess,” she reminded him. “I’m still surprised you didn’t decide to call this whole thing off when you found out I’m not an Organa by blood.”

“I will admit I considered it,” he replied. “But you were so charming, and so regal in other ways, I was sure my people would come to accept you.”

“But then there would be the ugly matter of succession,” she said.

Isolder frowned again.

“Because you were adopted?” he asked.

Leia shook her head. She took a pronounced, very un-princess-like swallow of her wine. She hadn’t been prepared to talk about this, but she felt she owed Isolder the whole truth.

“You know I’ve maintained that I’m not interested in bearing children,” she told him. “And I know you expected I’d eventually change my mind, or else I wouldn’t agree to becoming Queen Mother—as it is a rather specific job title.”

“Indeed,” he replied.

“Well,” she continued with another swallow of wine, “what I hadn’t told you yet is that, even if I’d changed my mind and decided I wanted biological children, there’s a chance I couldn’t have them.”

“What is this?” he asked, sitting up straight as he sipped again at his wine.

“I’m sorry to just be telling you this now,” she said. “But I feel like you deserve to know the whole truth. When I was held captive aboard the Death Star,” she told him, managing to keep her lower lip from trembling, but only just, “I was subjected to multiple forms of torture,”

“Leia,” Isolder gasped. He reached out a hand to her again and squeezed her fingers.

“No,” she replied, rejecting his offer of a hand as she shook her head. She’d never been able to abide physical contact when talking about this. “Thank you,” she allowed. “But… I want you to let me finish.”

“All right,” Isolder agreed.

“I was beaten,” she shared, “burned, shocked, and shot up with chem—some of it so illegal it still doesn’t have a name. I was scheduled for execution,” she explained, “and the Empire had already reported my death. They didn’t really keep records of the things they did to prisoners under those conditions. As far as anyone can tell, no one else has ever survived what I survived. There’s no way to know the long-term effects of what they did to me because no one has ever lived long enough to find out. I could develop aggressive cancer tomorrow—or necrotic organ failure—seizures…. There’s just no way to know. And there is a very, very strong chance that what they did to me left me barren.”

“Why did you wait so long to tell me this?” he asked. “When you knew this was part of the future we were discussing?”

“Because it’s not something I tell people,” she replied. “I’ve only told a handful of people I was tortured. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t sure it would come to matter with us. I knew…” Leia paused and took another sip of wine before she continued, “I knew if everything else felt right then it was going to need to be a conversation. But then everything else never felt completely right, so I didn’t bring it up.”

“You are right, of course,” Isolder replied, “many differences stand between us. I thought it would be easy to overcome them, but I was, I think, naïve.”

“Maybe we both were,” Leia said, shrugging her shoulders as she sipped at her wine. “We tried, though.”

“Indeed, we did.”

“And I do believe,” she added, “that in the beginning, you really thought you loved me.”

“I did,” Isolder agreed. “I thought I was very much in love with you. But it seems that what I really fell in love with was the beautiful shell of you filled with my own ideas of what you would be like.”

“I hope I haven’t been too disappointing.”

“No,” he assured her. “No—you’ve been far more than I could have imagined. But at the end of the day, all the things you are and all the things I am are not so compatible with one another.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

“Dear Leia,” he said as he set his now empty glass down on a nearby table and rose from his seat, “it pains me to be parting ways with you, but I do agree it’s for the best.”

“I have enjoyed our time together,” she replied, standing as well, “And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping to see you again soon. I’d like to think we can move forward as friends—perhaps even colleagues.”

“Colleagues?”

“I may not be fit to rule the Hapes Consortium,” she replied, “but I’d still love to have you as an ally—or even a member—of the New Republic. Alderaan would be honored to introduce a measure inviting Hapan cooperation.”

“I will get to work on a treaty as soon as I return to Hapes,” isolder agreed readily. “You have given me six months of your life and your very best effort. The least I can give you is that.”

“I’ll look forward to hearing from you,” she said in earnest as she followed his lead and began to move toward the door.

“I shall miss you, dear Leia,” Isolder said as they reached the entryway. “You have been a wonderful adventure for me.”

“And you for me as well,” she replied.

Isolder bent his face to hers and kissed her gently. It was a sweet kiss, friendly, lacking any pretense of passion. It was the most honest they’d been with each other in months—maybe ever.

“Take care of yourself,” she said as he stepped through her doorway to leave, “and don’t be a stranger.”

“You as well, dear Leia,” he replied, “I will always think of you fondly.”

#misfire verse #misfire #ashlynn's fic #SW fanfic #sw au

[sunflowerseedsandscience]

By the Dim and Flaring Lamps: Part Four, Chapter Two

Part One: One | Two | Three | Four Part Two: One | Two | Three | Four | Five Part Three: One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six Part Four: One

NOVEMBER 1863 CULPEPER, VIRGINIA

Dana Scully has never been good at staying still.

Her parents have always told stories- her father fondly, and her mother with an air of patient exasperation- of how, even as a baby, little Dana had always been into everything, crawling early, walking early, and climbing early, leaving her parents and her older siblings to chase her all over the house. To hear Maggie Scully tell it, Dana had been very lucky to live long enough to see her first birthday.

As a child, she had had no patience whatsoever for her mother's endless embroidery lessons, preferring instead to sneak off to ride her father's horses, to trail through the alleyways of the town after her brothers, and later, once her father had finally broken down and agreed to teach her to shoot, to go hunting in the woods. Her mother had never approved of these expeditions, at least not explicitly, but since Dana had been a far better shot than either of her brothers (and even her father), Maggie had never minded the extra meat her daughter had brought to the dinner table. Feeding six people could be an expensive endeavor.

As she had gotten older, the only thing that seemed to be able to keep Dana Scully seated in one place for any length of time had been her studies. A devoted and conscientious student, she had far outpaced the lessons set for her by the local school, and her father, concerned that his youngest would not be challenged enough, had engaged a private tutor to take over her education. Her mother had balked at the idea, worried that the expense would be an extravagance (and quite possibly wasted on a girl), but William Scully had insisted. He had, himself, had great scholastic aptitude in his youth, and while his own parents had not had the means to help him reach his full potential, he had been determined that his daughter would be allowed to reach hers.

But still, in between her lessons, teenaged Scully had had very little patience for the quiet and ladylike endeavors her mother had tried to plan for her. And now, with only a year left in her teens, her abhorrence for inactivity persists. The army, with its daily drilling and frequent long-distance marches, had been ideal for her... but now, stuck lying in bed day after day, she's in a pitiable state.

During the first two weeks, Melissa brings her nearly every book in the house that she can find. Scully is dismayed to find that she has already read nearly every volume housed in Samantha Mulder's shelves, and has read at least half of her brother's. Bill Mulder's library is mostly comprised of ponderous religious tomes of dubious modern relevancy, and technical books on farming methods. Even less helpful is Teena Mulder's tiny collection of etiquette and outdated child-rearing manuals (though Teena has, to Scully's surprise, fairly recent editions of Charles Knowlton's Fruits of Philosophy and Robert Dale Owen's Moral Physiology, both of which she reads cover-to-cover with decidedly more than a theoretical interest). By the beginning of November, Scully has read everything on offer and is driving Melissa up the wall with her continuous requests for her sister to please let her out of bed before she expires from boredom.

"The more you rest now, the sooner you'll be able to go back to your regiment," Missy tells her, repeatedly, but as much as Scully knows her sister is right, it doesn't make her forced inactivity any easier to bear. She writes letter after letter to Mulder, often so many that the postman takes multiple letters from her on the same day. He writes back as often as he can, but as the regiment continues to move from place to place in Virginia, his responses are less frequent than she would like.

His letters are, however, overflowing with affection for her in ways that leave little doubt in her mind about where they stand with one another. She might have been hesitant when she had told her sister that she thought they'd agreed to become engaged, but Mulder has put her questions to rest once and for all.

"When this war is over," he writes, "I want to ride to Harrisburg with you, to meet your parents. Not just to tell them about your bravery, about how indispensable you have been to me as a lieutenant, but to make sure that they- and any other potential suitors- know that our future together has been decided. Whatever your mother and father might think of the manner in which we met and fell in love, I want to be sure that they know how proud I am to have a woman like you by my side."

Scully, for her part, is less concerned with her own parents' responses than with Mulder's.

"You need not worry about how my parents will react, Mulder," she writes him in response. "You're the oldest son of a wealthy landowner. Regardless of how we might have met, you are still a far more advantageous match than they could ever have hoped to make for either of their daughters. I'm certain they'll be too much in awe of you to turn you away. Your parents, on the other hand, are unlikely to be much impressed with a poor sailor's daughter who met you while playing dress-up in the enemy's army- especially given that they already have a far more suitable match picked out." Mulder is, predictable, dismissive.

"It doesn't matter whether or not my parents approve," he writes her. "This is my decision to make, and I choose you. There is nothing that anyone- not my parents, not your parents, not Diana- can say to me that will change my mind."

Much of this correspondence is, despite Scully's best efforts, read over her shoulder by her sister, who finds the entire thing deliriously romantic and does not hesitate to tell her so.

"It's just not fair, Dana," she complains, lying on her back on the corner of the bed, her arm thrown dramatically up over her forehead. "I left home and ran away to New York City in search of romance and adventure, and all I've gotten for my troubles is an overcrowded apartment that I'm forced to share with three girls who are all prettier than I am. You, on the other hand, run off and join the army and end up engaged to a rich, handsome landowner's heir."

"Let's not forget the part where I ended up with a musket ball in my belly," grumbles Scully. She's not feeling particularly well today, having slept poorly and woken with a stubborn cough, and she's less patient with Melissa than she might normally be.

"Still, I think even with that, you come out ahead of me," says Melissa. "And you're the youngest, for goodness sake. It was hard enough that you already had an offer of marriage long before me, with father's doctor friend- what was his name?"

"Daniel," sighs Scully.

"Yes, him. It was bad enough that he approached Father for your hand when you were practically still a child, but now you're going to actually be married before I've even had a man show the slightest bit of interest."

"Not necessarily," Scully points out. "Nothing is going to happen until the war is over. For all we know, it could drag on another ten years." She bites her lip. "Or one of us might not even survive. This was already a close call, and-" But she's cut short as she's shaken by a bout of coughing so long and deep that it pulls at her still-healing injury. Melissa sits up and watches her worriedly as she clasps her side in pain, struggling to get her breath back.

"That's the third time this has happened in an hour, Dana," says Missy, every last hint of whimsy gone from her voice. "And your face is getting whiter by the minute." She reaches out and feels Scully's forehead. "You're warmer, too."

"I may have a fever," Scully admits. She's been feeling increasingly lethargic all day, but until now she's been putting it down to the fact that she hasn't felt like eating much for the past few days, and Missy, anxious to avoid conflict, hasn't been pressing the issue. But now, as she works to master her breathing, she can't avoid facing up to the realization that something is wrong.

"What do I do, Dana?" Melissa asks. "Mother used to put cold compresses on our foreheads when we were sick. Should I do that?"

"It's probably a good place to start," Scully agrees.

"Maybe I should ask James," says Melissa. "If he doesn't know what to do, maybe one of the other servants here does." Scully shakes her head.

"None of the others will come in the house, even with Mulder's father gone," she reminds her sister. The few servants that have been left to take care of the plantation in its owners' absence are field hands, forbidden from entering the house, with the exception of James, who, Mulder had explained, had figured out Scully's secret the moment he had laid eyes on her. "I don't want-" But she's interrupted by yet another bout of coughing, this one worse, and by the time it finally subsides, Scully is completely winded.

"Close your eyes and rest, Dana," says Melissa, standing and removing some of the pillows that are propping Scully up, forcing her to lie back down flat. "I'm going to make a cold compress and... and...." She wrings her hands, clearly at a loss. "I'll have someone make you some broth. That will help, right?" Scully closes her eyes, too weary to argue.

"Sounds good," she says weakly, even though the idea of trying to eat something just now seems horrifically exhausting. Missy says something in response, but Scully is already drifting off to sleep.

She's not sure how much time has passed, or if she's even truly awake, when she next hears her sister speaking, having a hushed discussion with someone whose voice Scully doesn't recognize.

"You don't understand, I've never taken care of someone who's ill before," Missy is saying. "I've no idea what could be wrong with her, no idea what I'm supposed to do."

"Miss, there's no one nearby that we can send for," a male voice responds. "The doctor in Culpeper is with Lee's army. The only other people 'round here are the men who work the fields and tend the animals, and none of them are gonna set foot in this house, not even if Master Fox himself shows up and asks them. They're too afraid of his father." This, Scully thinks through her feverish haze, must be James, the house's caretaker.

"What about someone else from the village?" Missy asks. "Isn't there anyone you could ask?"

"And how do we explain what she's doing here?" counters James. "Everyone in Culpeper knows the Mulders, and everyone in Culpeper knows they're in Fredericksburg. If someone from the village sees the two of you, they're likely to write Master William and ask him about the two strange women staying in his house."

Don't send for anyone, Scully tries to say, but she can't quite make her lips obey. I'm fine, I'll be fine, don't let anyone find me here....

The voices fade, and Scully dreams... or, at least, she thinks she does. It's difficult to tell. She thinks she hears her mother talking, telling her to get out of bed and help her prepare the evening meal before her father and her brothers come home. Missy is off somewhere, her mother complains, and she'll never have everything ready in time without at least one of her daughters to help her out.

Scully tries to tell her that she can't, she's sick, she's too weak to get out of bed, but her mother takes no notice, bustling around Samantha Mulder's bedroom as though she knows exactly where everything goes, as though it were a room in her own house. Watching Maggie is making Scully dizzy, so she closes her eyes.

When she opens them again, her mother is gone, and there's only Samantha's room, the night sky visible through the windows, the room itself dimly lit by a fire burning low in the grate. She turns her head to look the other way, and her father is there, sitting in the armchair that Melissa had occupied some time before.

"Hey there, Sprout," he says, smiling warmly at her. "Looks like you've gotten yourself in a spot of trouble." Scully tries to answer him and finds that she can't, but her father seems to understand her all the same. "It'll all be all right soon," he promises. "You just hold on and stay strong now, you hear me? Won't be long now. Help is on the way. But I'm warning you, Sprout, it's going to get a whole lot worse before it starts to get any better." He smiles again, sadly this time, and Scully realizes that she can see right through him to the back of the armchair.

There's a cough, the smell of cigar smoke, and then Charles Spender is leaning over her, regarding her with an air of detached curiosity. She shies away from him, and he laughs... and as she watches, his face shifts, changing to the face of the surgeon who had treated her at Bristoe Station. His mouth moves, but Scully can't make out what he's saying. Melissa stands behind him, her face pale and anxious. The light from the fire seems too bright, and Scully closes her eyes against it... and when she opens them again, Spender has returned, and it's Diana Fowley who stands at his shoulder, smiling maliciously down at her. Sean Pendrell waits by the foot of the bed, watching her worriedly, and Scully wonders if he's come to escort her to the other side, to wherever souls go when their time on Earth has ended. She tries to tell Pendrell that she's not ready, that she can't go with him, that Mulder still needs her here, that she's sorry, so sorry that he had to die, but doesn't he understand that it will all be in vain if she agrees to go with him now? She has to stay.

Spender reaches out suddenly and yanks at the bandages covering Scully's wound, pulling them off and exposing the flesh of her midsection. As Scully watches, he rips at the injury and seems to shove his entire hand inside of it. The pain is immediate and all-consuming, and Scully writhes and screams, trying desperately to escape. Diana takes her left shoulder and holds her down, and someone else takes her right side. Scully looks up to see who it is, and Daniel Waterston sneers down at her, glorying in her pain, in her inability to get away.

The faces around her continue to blur and shift, until Scully doesn't know who is holding her down, Diana Fowley and Daniel Waterston or Melissa and Mulder. She doesn't know who is causing this terrible pain, the army surgeon or Charles Spender, or why they're doing this to her. All that she knows is that it goes on and on, and when at last it seems to be over, Scully can do nothing but lapse into a sleep that is blessedly and profoundly dark and dreamless.

When she next opens her eyes, Fox Mulder is gazing down at her.

"Mulder?" She can speak again, finally, though her voice is frighteningly frail, and her throat hurts terribly. She reaches towards him, trying to touch him and see whether he's real or just another vision, but she's so weak that her hand can't close the distance. He seems to understand, and takes her hand in his own, pressing it gently to his face.

"I'm here," he says. "I'm right here, Scully. And this time, I'm not leaving until you're completely well."

"What happened?" she asks, but this time, it's not Mulder who answers.

"You developed an infection," says a voice from the foot of the bed, and Scully looks over to see the surgeon from Bristoe Station. She hadn't been hallucinating him, then; he had really been here. Melissa stands just behind him. "I had to cut away the inflamed tissue and treat the wound with bromide. I'm sorry for the pain; I know it had to have been difficult to bear."

"This is Corporal Zuckerman," Mulder explains. "The same surgeon who treated you after you were shot." Scully nods.

"I remember," she says.

"Your sister sent for me when she couldn't bring your fever down," Mulder tells her.

"I didn't know what else to do," says Missy apologetically. "I could see that the wound was infected, but I didn't know how to treat it."

"I found Corporal Zuckerman and brought him with me," continues Mulder. "I had a feeling you would prefer a surgeon who already knew what he'd find under your wrappings." He grins teasingly at her, and she manages a weak smile in return.

"But won't you be missed?" Scully asks. "Both of you?" Mulder shakes his head.

"The army's gone into winter quarters," he explains. "I told Colonel Skinner what happened, and he gave both of us leave to go. Corporal Zuckerman needs to return soon, but I've been permitted to stay with you until you're well enough to come back to the regiment." Scully looks back and forth between Mulder and Melissa.

"It was you, holding me down?" she asks.

"You put up one hell of a fight," says Mulder, a trace of pride unmistakeable in his voice. "It took everything we had to keep you in one place long enough for Zuckerman to finish with you, even as sick as you were."

"You looked at us like you might kill us if you got loose," puts in Melissa. "Your face was as terrifying as I've ever seen it."

"I thought you were...." Her voice trails off. She's embarrassed, now, that her fever dreams had featured Diana. "Never mind," she says. "I must have been out of my mind with fever."

"I'd have to agree with that assessment," says Zuckerman. "And you're not out of the woods yet, by any means. I'm going to stay for a few more days, to make sure we've gotten a handle on the infection, and I'll leave medicines behind when I go in case the fever returns."

"Thank you, Corporal Zuckerman," says Mulder. "I don't want to even think about what would have happened without your help."

"Yes, thank you," chimes in Melissa. "From us, and from our family. It would have been awful for all of us if you hadn't been here." Scully, already exhausted from this brief conversation, smiles her gratitude at Zuckerman even as her vision begins to go fuzzy at the edges.

"We should let you rest now," says Zuckerman. He and Melissa begin to leave, but Mulder remains in place by Scully's side.

"I'll stay," he tells the other two. "In case she needs anything."

"Mulder," Scully protests, her voice muddled and sleepy, "I'll be fine. I'm not even going to be awake."

"I'll watch you sleep, then," he whispers, low enough so that the others, standing across the room by the door, can't hear him. "It's something I've missed doing since you've been gone." Scully relents, nodding her permission, and Zuckerman and Melissa leave, shutting the door softly behind them.

The last thing that Scully is aware of, as she drifts off to sleep again, is Mulder lying down beside her, tenderly stroking her face.

#X-Files Fanfic #my fic #By the Dim and Flaring Lamps

[runfromreality-archive]

1820 [oneshot]

pairing: jongkey rating: pg15 genre: dystopian!au, angst warning: mentions of attempted suicide, blood, mentions of violence, experiments on humans... length: ~4970 words 

Test subject number 1820. Kim Kibum, male, twenty-two years old. Human, no disabilities or chronic diseases, high level of intelligence. Came to the laboratory at age eighteen. Admitted by his own parents because he was caught committing indecencies with another male individual.

Jonghyun resists the urge to cringe at the word ’indecencies’, lifting his gaze from the small data screen in his hands to take a proper look at the man on the other side of the glass wall.

He’s unconscious - as it should be - the percentage of sleep-inducing drugs in his system only just beginning to cease and it gives Jonghyun enough time to prepare for the man’s awakening. But not before scanning the rest of his profile to get at least a rough picture of who he’s dealing with.

No recent attempts at resistance, no major health complications, occasional lack of responsiveness, he reads, the listing followed up with the information of: Test subject in the sleep department since May of the previous year, sector Nightmares and Sleep paralysis.

And there’s something else that catches Jonghyun’s eye. The small note that’s been subsequently scribbled into the corner of the screen. Transferred from the Sexual science department after no longer being of use. Jonghyun nods to himself. Certainly not the kind of history he would wish on anyone.

Setting the screen aside, he goes to bring in the dark clothes the test subject had exchanged for a flimsy paper gown some hours prior, placing them neatly on the table next to the bed before checking the man’s stats once more.

Only fifteen percent of the drugs left. It shouldn’t be much longer now. In fact, one of the higher ups has probably already initiated the last phase of the test, so Jonghyun is quick to retrieve the rest of the means required to make the process of waking up a bit easier.

When he steps through the glass doors a second time - with a tray of what’s going to be the man’s breakfast in his hands - Kibum is sitting with his back facing him, unmoving but very much awake.

“Good morning,” Jonghyun tries to appear in good spirits, despite the blank stare on the other’s face, only noticing now how striking the man looks. Almost intimidating, in fact, even with the thin shakles restraining both his arms and his legs and the dead expression in his dark eyes.

He’s tall, too, his feet nearly reaching the foot of the bed and even though he manages to keep up his professional front, Jonghyun can’t tear his gaze away.

“Eat up,” It doesn’t seem like the test subject has any interest in even just touching the food he’s been offered - he isn’t looking up still, giving off the impression of not being quite there, really, which is what ’occasional lack of responsiveness’ must have been referring to - but it’s been clearly indicated to him that Kibum hasn’t eaten in twelve hours and Jonghyun can’t have him fainting.

So he nudges the tray into the man’s direction with a bit more insistence, telling him “I won’t leave till you have finished at least half of this,” and it’s only then that Kibum actually begins to zone back into reality.

“Fuck off.” It’s a little weak, but there is no denying the underlying hint of aggression. A sharpness that, coupled with such disrespectful language, leaves Jonghyun momentarily stunned.

“I’m sorry, but those are my orders,” Jonghyun explains after getting over the brief state of surprise, adding “I’m not allowed to leave until you have eaten something.”

And he’s sure Kibum must already know the drill. There is not a doubt in his mind. He’s been here for long enough, after all, and it isn’t as if the other interns or nurses are given instructions any different from his. But he doesn’t seem ready to surrender, still, the look of disdain stubbornly lingering on his face.

And it’s then that Jonghyun realises what it is about the situation that confuses him so much. Because it never happened before. The test subjects are too terrified of the consequences, usually, or their will broken so far beyond repair, they don’t even think about resisting, in the more extreme cases. Kibum doesn’t show an ounce of fear, though. And his will certainly seems as far from broken as can be. Both of which baffles Jonghyun, because he’s absolutely certain he has never met anyone like Kibum in his year of working at the laboratory. Someone who even in the most inhumane sort of environment managed to stay very much human; from the looks of it, anyway.

Jonghyun leaves some half an hour later, having managed to pester Kibum enough for him to take at least a few bites from his bowl of rice, which is better than nothing, really. Because at least he won’t be getting into trouble for failing to complete his duty. And that’s all that counts anyway. *** When Jonghyun saw Kibum last time, the nightmares had already been fading. Too blurred and intangible to cause much of a reaction in the man. Today’s different. A whole lot different. Because the experiment of the night is only just starting and Kibum is trashing from one side to the other and suddenly, Jonghyun doesn’t wonder anymore, what the restraints binding Kibum to his bed are for.

And he can see it all right there. Dark figures and dead bodies, distorted and bathed in an eerie light, the scenes repeating over and over without a chance for the test subject to jump awake and cool down.

Kibum is trembling, the monitor displaying the man’s body stats running wild in a way that’s concerning, to say the least. And Jonghyun finds that even watching his nightmares is more bearable than witnessing any of the physical effects caused by the torture Kibum’s put through right now.

So he does exactly that, his gaze fixated on the large screen in front of him, because at least he knows the dreams aren’t real. Or not quite as real as the test subjects suffering is.

Jonghyun has always found it to be a strange feeling, to watch someone else’s dreams playing out in front of his eyes. Like a movie he knows he shouldn’t be watching. But even more so, like a violation of privacy. Because even with the added manipulation of gathering the most terrifying of scenarios and replaying them like a broken record, the images are a part of the test subjects memory either way. The clear picture of a woman that has Kibum’s lips, smiling joyfully first, before her expression twists into something dark and menacing. And a man with Kibum’s eyes and nose, the warm expression on his face replaced by a disgusted sneer so abruptly, it leaves Jonghyun’s head spinning.

And it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right at all, to be gaining access to a part of another human being’s mind that isn’t for him to view. As convinced as he is that this can’t be a just thing to do, he doesn’t dare voicing his doubts, though.

Kibum was sent here for a reason, after all, and even if he doesn’t agree, Jonghyun shouldn’t question any of it. The consequences that would come with doing so are too gruesome to imagine, really and he isn’t going to risk being put through that. *** It’s nearing eleven in the evening when Jonghyun finally finishes up work the Friday of the same week. He’s exhausted - unbearably so - and as grateful as he is about being allowed to work for one of the very few government funded science labs in the country, it’s days like these when he not so secretly wishes for a more simple part time job. One that actually offers him the luxury of clocking out at eight and having time to complete his homework for university before midnight rather than multiple hours into the next day. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have classes during the weekend because he’d be up for one hell of a night otherwise.

Getting off the underground at his usual station, he lets out what sounds suspiciously like a whine when he realises it started raining while he was carried through the tunnels below the surface. Holding his messenger bag above his head to shield himself from the heavy downpour, he breaks into a run, knowing that if he keeps up the pace, he can make it home in a matter of minutes. And hopefully avoid becoming too drenched in the process, too, because there’s nothing he hates more than having his wet clothes stick to his skin.

Just as he is rounding the corner of the road leading straight to his apartment complex, he spots a bundle lying some twenty feet ahead - dark and large enough to be blocking almost the entire walkway. He writes it off as being a bag of trash, first, because it wouldn’t be the first time someone got rid of their litter out on the streets. But he can’t shake off the sense of dread that’s further growing in the pit of his stomach with every step he takes.

And his instincts prove to be right, because when he is close enough for his eyes to make out a mob of dark hair, it slowly begins to sinks in that there is no way to pretend that the bundle is nothing more than a lone bag of trash any longer.

Jonghyun has always been the type to worry about the people around him. It’s not something he is looked at very nicely for - ’You really need to start minding your own business,’ is what his best friend Taemin always tells him - but he has simply never been able to ignore such obvious signs of need and this time is no different.

“Excuse me, are you okay?” He realises it’s a stupid thing to ask the moment he notices the puddle of blood emerging from underneath the weirdly contorted body, but he tries posing a few more questions still.

“What happened? Do you need help?” He squats down to observe the situation a bit more closely, the rain pelting down on him entirely forgotten by now. From the looks of it, the person is already in a state of improvement, so Jonghyun assumes the self-recovery system hasn’t been damaged by whatever happened.

It’s a blessing, really, Jonghyun thinks, how something as simple as a strip of metal implanted underneath their skin is able to ensure that hardly anything at all is able to lead to their deaths. Because this poor being, too, would have certainly been a goner if it wasn’t for the self-recovery system kicking in.

Moving without much thinking, Jonghyun pulls the unconscious figure onto his back, swaying a bit at first - because damn, he didn’t think the person would be quite this heavy - but eventually managing to steady himself enough to make it the last twenty feet to his building. He’s sure he must be getting blood all over himself and the person is freezing, cold rain dripping onto Jonghyun’s arms and the back of his neck, but Jonghyun isn’t ready to let any of that stop him. Pressing his thumb onto the fingerprint scanner, he waits for the entrance door to swing open before dragging both himself and the additional weight on his back into the hallway.

The light leaves his vision blurred with dark spots for a moment, the short wait for the elevator barely giving his eyes enough time to adjust to the change, so it’s only when the elevator doors close behind him and his gaze moves to the mirrored wall, that he realises how familiar the face of the person on his back looks.

“Shit,” His knees are threatening to give out underneath him at the discovery and he almost loses his grip on the younger man, eyes wide with shock.

He somehow makes it to his apartment anyway, but he can’t help thinking that Taemin is right. He really needs to start minding his own business. *** It takes two full days for Kibum to regain consciousness.

Jonghyun called in sick to work the morning after, reckoning that he needed to keep a watchful eye on the man to make sure Kibum wasn’t going to be all alone and disorientated once he woke up.

It proves to have been a good decision when Kibum all but jumps awake during the evening of the second day, his breathing so rapid, it sounds like he’s choking, and sweat drenching him all over.

Jonghyun is by his side in an instant, scrambling for something - anything - to say, but every word directed at the younger man seems to only distress him further, so after some time, Jonghyun retreats back into his room with his heart pounding in his chest and Kibum’s terrified expression etched into his mind.

He doesn’t know what happens inside the human body if it’s quite this damaged - has never heard of anyone who ended up in bad enough of a state for the self-recovery system to take days to restore it all - but for some reason, he can’t shake off the feeling that Kibum’s distress stems from a different source entirely. *** Jonghyun wakes up at two in the morning with the intention of using the restroom, only to find an absolutely exhausted looking Kibum sitting on the couch in the living room, the man’s eyes blank and unseeing, but very much awake.

“Do you need something?” Jonghyun asks, his voice quiet as to not startle the younger man. Kibum doesn’t even look at him, however - doesn’t seem to register his presence at all - so Jonghyun repeats his words once more, only to fail at drawing the younger man’s attention to him yet again.

“I’ve got sleeping pills if you want-” He tries to offer, because it ‘s been two full days since Kibum returned to the living and he hasn’t slept once and that just can’t be healthy.

And this time, Kibum’s reaction is immediate, sheer terror flashing across his face as he violently shakes his head.

“What is it about ’I don’t want to sleep’ that’s so difficult for you to understand?” He hisses, his fear heavily masked by sharp venom. It’s a rapid change, leaving Jonghyun wary despite knowing that Kibum is acting this way because he is terrified, more than anything. But although he has no idea what to do to help the younger man, he refuses to make a fast retreat like he did when Kibum had been in a state of panic some days prior. So he settles down on the couch with a good foot of distance between them, wrecking his brain for anything to say to make things easier.

“Why did you run away?” Jonghyun asks at last, thinking that maybe, some kind of distraction will help Kibum forget about his fear for a bit. But it seem to be the wrong question to pose, because Kibum’s stance only becomes more defensive and Jonghyun swears it’s like he can see the man’s walls rising right in front of him.

“I didn’t,” Kibum talks back.

Jonghyun never finds out what he means by that. *** “You really need to sleep.” With how badly Kibum reacted last time, Jonghyun hadn’t planned to say anything, at first. He had been keeping quiet even when Kibum broke one of his teacups earlier this morning, and again when he walked straight into the floor lamp in the living room because the turn into Jonghyun’s bedroom had been too sharp for his fogged senses.

But hitting his head on the side of the doorframe had been the last straw, really and Jonghyun isn’t going to sit by and watch any longer.

“I can’t,” Kibum replies, but his determination is weakened to the point of being almost non-existent, exhaustion seeming to have crawled all the way into Kibum’s bones by now.

“Here,” Handing the younger man a glass of water Jonghyun assures, “I’ll stay awake.”

“And wake you up if you have bad dreams,” He nods to himself, hoping that the smile on his face is mildly encouraging if nothing else.

“I don’t trust you,” Kibum tells him, suspicion heavy in his voice, but against all reason, he takes one of the pills from Jonghyun, still.

The younger man is fast asleep only half an hour later, his chest rising and falling in a steady pattern, and for a while, Jonghyun doesn’t do anything but watch. Not because there’s anything particularly fascinating about the way Kibum sleeps or because he isn’t tired himself, but because he has so many questions. He’s confused and uncertain and he still has no idea at all how Kibum managed to escape the laboratory (or why he chose to do so in the first place) or how he ended up so badly injured. And he’s hoping - naively so - that somehow, he’ll find his answers if he keeps observing Kibum for long enough.

*** Jonghyun finds himself still in the living room the next morning, his back hurting and his neck stiff from the sitting position he’s spent his entire night in. Shifting a bit to try and bring back some feeling into his legs, Jonghyun is taken aback for a moment when he becomes aware of the heavy weight pushing down on them.

“Ohh,” He breathes when his gaze falls onto the dark mob of hair resting in his lap, the memories of the previous day returning to him just like that. Kibum is still completely shut down, a peaceful kind of expression having replaced his distress and Jonghyun feels strangely accomplished at the sight.

He contemplates wiggling out from underneath the younger man for a moment, because as happy as he is about Kibum finally having the chance to sleep through the night undisturbed, his legs have turned painfully numb at this point. But the small movement draws an immediate groan from the younger man’s throat and Jonghyun thinks that maybe, he can hold out a bit longer. Just a few more minutes. *** Kibum needs to leave.

It’s been almost six days and his self-recovery system has long completed the process of closing his wounds and healing his broken bones, and it’s about time, really. At least that’s what Jonghyun has been telling himself. So many times that he’s surprised he hasn’t blurted out ’You should go back to the laboratory’ instead of ’Good morning’ yet. But even though they’re having breakfast in silence today and the chances to bring up the topic have long become too many to count, Jonghyun finds himself tongue-tied. He doesn’t doubt that Kibum must have a feeling already, that Jonghyun can’t let him stay. They aren’t going to search for Kibum. That, Jonghyun is sure of. Test subjects are easily replaceable, after all, so one of them going missing will hardly throw the entire laboratory into a state of chaos.   But if he’s discovered by chance, consequences will be merciless (not to mention the punishment Jonghyun would receive for providing refuge to the younger man). And yet, despite knowing all of that, the words refuse to be spoken out loud.

“What are you even doing working in such a terrible place?” It’s Kibum who breaks the silence, eventually, absently stirring his coffee with his spoon as he directs the question at the older man. And Jonghyun is so stunned, he merely stares at him, at first.

“I’m going to be a doctor one day,” He tells him eventually, surprised when Kibum only rolls his eyes in response.

“Hopefully not like the doctors who stick needles into your skin until you pass out just because they want to find out if it’s ’stimulating’,” Kibum drawls, each words heavy with pure hatred. And Jonghyun doesn’t even know what to say to that. He kind of wishes he would have no idea what Kibum is talking about. Wishes he wasn’t aware of all the cruelties happening behind the laboratory’s thick steel doors.

But he does. Everyone does. That’s the whole point of it, after all. Because very few people speak poorly of a system - or worse, even, rebel against it - knowing it can seal their fate of spending the rest of their life in utter agony. If not as a test subject, then maybe as a slave to be sold to a country far away. For sick sex games or work in the kind of factories that torture you with poisonous fumes and the bare minimum of rest in the examinations stead.

“I read in your stats that you came from the Sexual science department…” Jonghyun knows that’s not what he meant to ask the younger man about. But he can’t deny that it’s something that has piqued his curiosity from the very start (even some of the most experienced doctors at the laboratory have appeared to come back seriously scarred from the scenes they had found at the Sexual science department, so Jonghyun can only imagine how traumatic it must have been to actually be forced into the role of the victim in those exact scenes).

“I was there for less than a month,” Kibum tells him, not seeming to mind the topic in the least.

“They got rid of me ‘cause I couldn’t get it up,” He states, his voice sounding nonchalant, almost, and Jonghyun is left spluttering at the crude choice of words. It’s funny how he’s been in the man’s company for not even a whole week but has already heard a more colorful array of expression than ever before in his life. And it’s a miracle Kibum hasn’t yet been getting into trouble for speaking this way, either.

Then again, Jonghyun can’t deny that being a test subject in a government’s laboratory - treated like hell and put through all kinds of unspeakable torture - already comes fairly close to the worst kind of faith he could imagine for a human being. Hardly anything qualifies as worse ’trouble’ than that, really, so he guesses Kibum no longer has anything to lose.

“I’m broken, apparently,” The younger man continues, the words successfully breaking Jonghyun’s train of thought.

“Cause I like men, but I don’t particularly care about sex and that’s not how people are, is it?” Kibum is right, they aren’t. Or at least, they would never admit to anything other than being attracted to the opposite gender and caring very much about sex to the point where neither consent nor giving anyone the freedom of choice in the first place play much of a role.

In the end, Jonghyun doesn’t tell him any of that, though. It’s not like he is what could be considered the textbook version of a normally functioning human being, either, after all. Not by a great stretch. He had just done a pretty good job at keeping his occasional crushes on men a secret, so he doesn’t think his opinion is going to be of much help to Kibum.

And he doesn’t tell him that he needs to take him back, either. Because it hasn’t been long, but Jonghyun has come to like the company and Kibum is pleasant to be around - doesn’t filter his words or put on an act like so many other people Jonghyun has been surrounding himself with - and he doesn’t want to give that up.

It’s selfish, really, but he hates the thought of Kibum becoming just another test subject again. And he hates the thought of witnessing Kibum in pain again even more. *** “You’re just like everyone else, you know?” Kibum remarks as they sit next to each other later that day, the TV playing some speech of their countries great leader in the background.

“What’s that mean?” Jonghyun turns to look at him, confusion written all over his face.

“Brainwashed,” Kibum replies simply, and although Jonghyun still doesn’t get it, Kibum doesn’t seem to plan on elaborating. If there is one thing Jonghyun has learned about Kibum in the few days of living with him, however, it’s that he rarely ever leaves it at such a random comment. And he is right, because although it takes some time, Kibum eventually follows up with the very agitated question of “You don’t seriously believe that forcing me to spend all of my nights stuck in terrifying nightmares benefits anyone, do you?” Jonghyun blinks, taken aback, but before he even has the time to answer, Kibum is already talking again.

“If it wasn’t for this stupid self-recovery system, I’d be dead already and I’d seriously prefer it that way,” He glares at nothing in particular.

“But it keeps us alive,” Jonghyun argues, stunned that Kibum would criticise the number one revolutionary invention of their kind. Centuries ago, people died of depression, of heart attacks, of cancer and other terminal illnesses. They lived their lives as frail beings, at danger of their body or in giving up in them at any moment. An existence that Jonghyun is so, so grateful he has never had to experience. And yet Kibum talks as if it is nothing more than a nuisance, or a curse even, to be invincible. Or very close to invincible, anyway. Because there is ways around it - ways to damage the system beyond repair - but that requires a gun, or lots of determination and neither is all that easy to obtain.

“Yeah, maybe that’s great for someone like you, with a bright, beautiful future ahead of him,” Kibum retorts, his words full of sarcasm.

“But I don’t need that.”

“I don’t need to live my whole life being tortured with no way to escape,” Kibum gesticulates wildly, becoming more worked up and upset by the second as he adds, “But that’s exactly what’s going to happen, because I just can’t die and I hate it.”

“This country’s whole system is a bunch of bullshit,” Jonghyun struggles to stop himself from following his initial instinct to jump up and cover Kibum’s mouth because what if someone hears?

“You can’t say that,” Jonghyun tells him, eyes wide. He knows it’s bullshit. Unfair and inhumane and terrible. God, it’s a thought that’s been with him for years. Since he witnessed one of his elementary school teachers being dragged out of the classroom in the middle of his lesson and shot right outside in the hallway, to be exact. He had been all but glued to his seat back then, trying his best to imagine that what he heard wasn’t actually what he knew it was. But it took a mere minute for another teacher to take his place in front of the class (they had already been prepared, he realised years later, after learning that his teacher’s crime was stealing a few bags of rice from a store because his pay didn’t suffice to feed his family and one of his colleagues had tattled to the headmaster) and by the time break came along, there wasn’t a trace of blood - not even a trace of the teachers existence, really - left on the school’s grounds. All of which had made it so incredibly easy to pretend, at least, that nothing happened.

So he isn’t going to be the one to deny Kibum’s words. Especially not when Kibum’s probably one of the greatest victims of that exact system. But he certainly isn’t going to agree with them, either. He has always been way too much of a coward to do so. Because who knows who’s going to hear and carry the news to the nearest police station and who knows where it could land him. On the hard bed right next to Kibum’s in the Nightmares and Sleep paralysis sector, maybe. Or being tied up and marred with knifes by some Chinese nobility because that’s what gets them off. So when it comes down to it, it’s safer to stay silent. Much safer. *** “Kibum,” Jonghyun mumbles, sinking back into the cushions of his couch, his heart heavy with the kind of emotions he can’t even begin to put a name to.

It’s dark outside by now and Kibum has switched off the TV a long time ago because ‘It makes me fuckin’ sick to watch that man’s face’ is what his exact words were. “I still have to take you back.” Jonghyun tells him, and Kibum tenses up beside him but his expression stays blank and his voice comes out just as unaffected.

“Yeah, I know.” *** It’s only three days later that he sees Kibum again - in much the same setting as the last time, with the man lying unconsciously on one of the laboratory beds and him behind the glass windows, preparing everything for the test subjects awakening and meticulously checking the stats to make sure nothing goes wrong.

The data screen is lying in front of him, untouched, because today’s test won’t be over until six and it’s merely nearing half past five right now. When he finally does pick it up - after retrieving Kibum’s clothes and getting his dinner from the kitchen down the hallway - he almost wishes he hadn’t, though.

The stats are still the same - name, age, history - but at the far bottom of the page, another scribbled note has been added. Attempts of suicide: 5. Permanent damage to the system: none. Kept under twenty-four hour surveillance starting September 9th.

“Jonghyun-hyung, are you okay?” He faintly hears the call of his co-worker Minho behind him as he rushes from the room, his stomach churning as the word ‘suicide’ repeats in his head over and over.

He really needs some fresh air.

#this was supposed to be an entry for the jongkeysquadfic thingy but ugh #it's not even good #and i probably have to add another 5k words for it to actually make sense #fanfic #jongkey #shinee #myfic #jonghyun #key

[itsagentsix]

A Note.

I don’t have a lot of followers (I think five maybe?) on here so I’m gonna write this out here in hopes it will make me feel better. I’m not focusing on grammar or style, so it’s gonna seem like a giant mess but oh well. I need to get this out before I do something bad. 

I’ve been depressed since eighth grade (I graduated last year, and I’m 19 now). And it’s become a part of who I am and I hate that. I was diagnosed pretty early on by multiple doctors but unfortunately, my parents were in charge of my treatments at the time and nothing really got done. We tried multiple medications (Fluoxetine, Citalopram, and a few others) as well as birth control, which I am still on. The prescriptions did nothing to aid my mental health, and I suffered from the side effects pretty heavily. Eventually, we gave up on the medication and tried counseling. I saw many people. The last time I truly trusted a doctor enough to tell them exactly what was on my mind, I was sent away for a week to a facility in which they isolated me and convinced me I was selfish for feeling this way. They made me work for ‘privileges’ like having a clock in my room, going outside, and being able to see or call my family. 

A quick side story about this place - I am a very shy and anxious person, especially when I’m in a stressful situation. I tend to whisper during tense situations. I had just gotten the privilege to see my family for thirty minutes in the afternoon that day, so I was excited to be able to talk with somebody that wasn’t analyzing my every word. I had also been reprimanded for not asking to go into the kitchen before doing so. That was a huge rule there - You ALWAYS have to ask for permission to enter the kitchen no matter the situation. This was supposed to train us to be respectful? Mindful? I have no fucking clue, all I know is that it was early in the morning and I wasn’t fully awake. I was following the adults into the kitchen and I passed the threshold without asking first. That was my sin. So I got in trouble. 

I was so fucking scared of the woman who was on duty that day. There were multiple adults who alternated shifts (2-3 at a time to watch over us every day) during the week to ensure that we were thoroughly watched. Anyway, this lady was in her mid-thirties with an awful attitude. She was NEVER consistent with her personality. One day she would be an evil bitch that insulted your every movement, the next she would get offended because you didn’t catch onto her ‘sarcasm’. The other girl and I were terrified of her. 

I was in the kitchen making breakfast with the other inmate as the Witch watched us from the table. She was close enough to hear us if we spoke softly - which we did. It was painfully awkward and quiet that morning, speaking at a normal volume would have just felt uncomfortable. So the other inmate and I spoke softly while working around each other. At one point I asked for the peanut butter, and the Witch snapped at us for whispering. I guess she assumed we were hatching an escape plan or talking shit about her. I apologized and continued. 

Inmate was standing in front of the cabinet with the plates - I said ‘scuse me with a smile and she stepped out of the way. 

Witch had had enough of our scheming. She came over and drilled into us about how disrespectful we were being for disobeying her. She locked eyes with me and bluntly told me that she might as well take away my meeting with my family this afternoon. In her words, “Unless you give me a worthy apology”.

I started crying. I hadn’t seen my family in days and I was so excited that I could finally see them. To have that one hope taken away from me for WHISPERING POLITELY ten feet away from that snob literally shattered me. I was fourteen years old for Christ's sake. I managed to pull together an apology with the excuse of it being first thing in the morning and we’re all still waking up. She barely bought it and I got to see my family that day. 

That place damaged me, plain and simple. I genuinely thought that I was an absolute failure while I was there. 

I know it doesn’t seem like it was that bad of a place, and I know that their intentions were good. But putting a middle schooler into a situation like that when she’s already in a fragile state? Bad idea.

I went to the emergency room a week after I got out for 23 stitches. 

High school was a shit show for me. I had a bunch of really good friends and a lot of teachers that cared and were supportive of me, but I loathed myself so much that I refused to let any of that sink in. I used self-harm as a crutch - at that time I felt completely disconnected from my body. I felt as if I lived inside of my head and I was dragging around this lumpy carcass with me wherever I go. Cutting was the only thing that brought feeling back to that part of myself. 

My senior year everything really went to shit. The closest friends I had decided to come clean about how much they actually hated me, I was failing all of my classes, and I was gaining weight. I was pushed out of the only friend group I knew and was left in the dirt. I graduated alone and went home early because I had nobody to celebrate it with. The graduation party that my family and I were planning failed miserably. Only one person showed up, and he ended up assaulting me a couple weeks later and expected me to “return the favor”. 

That summer was one of the loneliest times of my life. 

It’s been almost a year, and I’ve started doing things to better myself. I go to the gym four times a week, I’ve been working on my diet. I even reconnected with an old friend. 

But every time I look in the mirror I see a failure. I see something ugly. Unlovable. I keep gaining more weight no matter how hard I try, my diet is so hard to control. I have really bad skin that is prone to bad breakouts and it’s always red. My hair is the texture of hay. I’m 5′1 and 135 lbs with an awful chin and gross fat rolls. 

Tonight I’m having a really bad episode. I can’t sleep at all and I’ve been crying quite a bit. There are so many stresses in my life right now. I try to imagine my future and I can’t see anything.

I’m tired. So, so tired. I’m not good at anything. I can pick up new skills and abilities but I can never become remarkably good at them. I’m always mediocre, average. 

I want to kill myself. I want to do it quietly and painlessly, but my dad also owns a Glock. I know how to use it, and where it is in the house. It wouldn’t be quiet but I only have to shoot it once. 

It’s hard to believe that my parents love me. I’m so useless to them, so ugly. I can never live up to my brother’s reputation as a Marine. I’ll never live up to anything if I’m being honest. I’m not pretty, or talented. I’m not funny or smart or useful. All I’m good at is crying over minor inconveniences. 

The only thing that’s stopping me is the terror of not knowing what’s waiting on the other side for me. I believe in a Heaven and a Hell. I believe in Jesus and what He did. 

Nobody likes me. Nobody would care if I actually left. I am an embarrassment. 

If you actually read this, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to see this. I just figured it would get lost in the feed. I needed to get this ‘out there’. It’s helpful to have a medium like Tumblr so I can post things without anybody seeing them. 

My depression is so bad right now, that I’m greatly considering hospitalization. The walls are closing in and I can’t breathe at this point. I know I’m pathetic, I know I’m annoying. I can accept those realities. 

I am so tired.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

Fear and Heartbreak: Teachers React to the Florida Shooting

http://fashion-trendin.com/fear-and-heartbreak-teachers-react-to-the-florida-shooting/

Fear and Heartbreak: Teachers React to the Florida Shooting

“It’s a very disturbing time to be a teacher,” my cousin, a second-grade teacher, tells me on the phone a day after the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida.

This isn’t a new feeling for her. There have been over 60 school shootings with fatalities since the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary in late 2012, a shooting that reignited the post-Columbine national conversation about the Second Amendment and how to protect the lives of students and teachers.

Following the Florida school shooting, young people have been advocating for their fallen friends and the lives of all students. Teenage activists like Emma Gonzalez are confronting the politicians stalling gun regulation directly with their stories and anger. They’re questioning lawmakers and the NRA. Mass student walkouts are being organized around the country. They’re taking to social media to speak their truth.

Amid all the fervent action, however, a dark anxiety hangs overhead as those in favor of gun regulation fight for their concerns to be recognized in policy.

I spoke to teachers from school districts of varying political leanings, income and race demographics about their students’ reactions, their conversations among colleagues and the steps they hope our government will take. I spoke to young teachers who are still assistants and retired teachers with over 50 years of experience. Not one said that they felt their students and coworkers were fully safe at school today.

Note: Many identifying details, including names, have been changed due to school policy and personal preference.

In the wake of so many school shootings in recent memory, what have been your students’ reactions?

Jade: Not a week goes by without a student asking the “What would we do if … ?” question. They want to know if I’d save them. If we’d run. If we’d hide. If we’d follow protocol. If I’d let them grab their cell phones before going into lockdown. These are not the questions I expected to be focusing on as a teacher.

Robin: They blame Trump.

Connie: I used to think that there’s been no conversation in the classroom because my students are young and mostly on the spectrum. I’ve come to think, however, that school shootings just aren’t shocking anymore.

Nick: I remember when Sandy Hook happened. I had to comfort students for weeks. And they could just tell something was off — it was hard to keep that news from reaching them. These days, it all passes so quickly.

Marybeth: Some seem nervous; others don’t seem particularly impacted. They do want to talk about it, which I think is important, but our school doesn’t want us discussing it with them.

Tammy: After every shooting, my students ask me what would happen if there were a shooter at our school. They are terrified that this will happen to them.

Rachel: “Miss, if someone comes in here, we’re kind of screwed, huh?” They were respectful of the moment of silence this time — though with multiple moments of silence each year, I do think they’re becoming desensitized to those, too.

Lindsey: The only reaction I heard from a student after the Florida shooting was one boy saying that it was lucky that “only 17 people died.”

What has the conversation among your coworkers been like in the wake of these events?

Carrie: The teacher next to my classroom got [to school] early with me and we made a plan together about what we would do. We checked to make sure our windows would open. We put tables close to doors to barricade us in the rooms and we put curtains over the windows by our doors.

Jade: Being a teacher often means suppressing or stifling your own personal political views. Lately, we’ve been talking about how proud we are of Emma Gonzalez and these beautiful, bold students, survivors [and] speakers who are turning their grief into action. What she is doing is the ultimate “end goal” I have as a teacher for my students.

Rachel: Honestly, I tried to tune most of it out; I’ve found that the only way I’m really able to function and get through my days is by ignoring it as much as possible. I catch the salient details from the headlines, but I can’t allow myself to “go there” by watching video[s] or reading testimon[ies]. It’s my own form of self-care and self-preservation. I know that there are some who view that kind of approach as selfish or privileged, but if I’m expected to function in my classroom daily, then I can’t allow myself to go there mentally or emotionally.

Krystal: Unfortunately, these days everything is so politicized that you have to tread lightly when talking about anything. We all agree that these kinds of events cannot continue to happen, but not everyone agrees on what the problem actually is.

Diane: The conversation has been focused on what actions we can take and what groups we can join.

Elizabeth: It’s just really been a lot of head shaking, not so many words.

What actions would you like to see the government take to prevent further school shootings?

Rachel: No military-grade weapons, no bump stocks, significantly increased licensing requirements, monitoring ammunition quantity. I think that some of these “common sense” gun control regulations are just that: common sense. I don’t see how that’s infringing on anyone’s rights any more than having to get a driver’s license to drive or taking your shoes off at the airport.

Kimberly: I would like to see the government ban all semi-automatic weapons and put into place stricter background checks for all legal firearms, because the “good guys” shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Right?

John: I think we should follow the example of Britain and Australia where they banned assault weapons and made it very difficult to buy a gun without multiple levels of training [and] waiting periods.

Stef: My opinion on guns is that no one should have them. Realistically, I would like to see [the government] make it as hard to buy a gun in this country as possible. It needs to go beyond two pieces of paper and a background check.

Elizabeth: It’s really about starting early: Includ[ing] social-emotional components in curriculum from K-12, teaching them how to speak to each other and how to express your feelings, and that it’s okay to have feelings.

Marybeth: I don’t think we can make it a one-issue thing. It’s not that simple.

Connie: Of course mental health needs to be addressed, but our government has been steadily reducing our access to care, not increasing it.

Candine: I think we should enforce political term limits, with a maximum of 12 years in Congress. [We should also] make it illegal for lobbies to pay, donate, [or] give away anything to congressional members so these reps will endorse and vote that group’s agenda.

Have you or your coworkers had a dialogue with parents on this issue? If so, what’s been the response?

Marybeth: We are urged (and instructed) not to discuss anything with parents or students.

Nick: There just hasn’t been time. We’re always open to dialogue, but honestly, other things have been on our parents’ minds lately. Many of them may lose their Temporary Protective Status within the next few years.

Tammy: Parents know that we have safety measures in place.

Candine: We do have a group of NRA supporters who scream, “THEY’RE NOT TAKING MY GUNS AWAY FROM ME!” When I hear the gun supporters talk, they rant about, “I gotta protect my family.” My question is: “Protect them from what?”

Jade: I have seen several parents demand that “someone” do something. Schools need to do something. The government needs to do something. My response: We all need to do something. Don’t just expect “someone” to fix this problem.

Are there lockdown drills at your school? What do they entail?

Elizabeth: Basically, an announcement comes over the loudspeaker and I get my students low to the ground and out of sight from any openings. Admin goes around trying to “get in” to classrooms.

Marybeth: We lock the door, turn off the lights and try to place students in a part of the room that is not visible from the door.

Rachel: A few years ago we switched from the old “lockdown” procedure to the ALICE (Alert, Lockdown, Inform, Counter, Evacuate) procedure. They usually involve three different scenarios so that we can practice — evacuating, barricading and countering.

Evacuating is similar to a fire drill: If you are safely able to do so, get out. Barricading is used if there’s someone in your area but not yet in your room. You lock and block your door(s). The third scenario is Countering, and it’s based on the research that if shooters aren’t able to aim, then fatalities are reduced. If an intruder breaks through our barricade, we just throw things at them.

Connie: Everyone covers the windows and ducks out of view with 25 fourth graders who are trying so hard to be quiet, until someone farts and then there’s no hope. It was a scary sort of game for them, but for me, it was just scary — thinking about what I would do, what I would have to do as their teacher.

Nick: There’s been an emerging philosophy of common sense, meaning [that] if you think you can get away, then try [to] run. This is fairly new and isn’t directly embraced by the schools.

Casey: No. Perhaps naively, none of us can really see this happening at our school, carried out by one of our students.

Erica: The roof of the gymnasium is outside of our window and I [have] already told the students that if something happens for real… I am having each of them jump out the window and onto the roof. I’m taking matters into my own hands because I feel that if this situation ever does happen, I’m responsible.

Jay: My classroom is on the first floor in front of big, open windows. I’d be lying if I said I thought this method was 100% safe.

Ellen: The kids giggle, and they also get scared. That’s probably the most time we talk about school shootings. Multiple children have asked me would I die for them. I always say yes. It’s not a question.

How do you feel at work after these events?

Stef: I think a lot of young teachers like me are coming into the profession understanding our lives could one day be at risk, and that’s such a messed up thing to have to reconcile.

Elizabeth: I worry. What if this kid that I had to give a consequence to or have a difficult talk with isn’t having it? I’ve had nightmares; I’ve stressed about things I shouldn’t have to think about.

Marybeth: I feel like I need to be wary of everyone, which can make it hard to focus.

Laura: After my coworker was killed [in a shooting outside our school], I felt calm at school when I had to take care of the students, but very stressed and nervous anywhere else for a couple of weeks. [I’m] often just frustrated and cynical that I don’t think this will change.

Jade: I feel like we’re being held hostage by fear. I also feel like I’m being held hostage by the taboo of a teacher discussing “politics.” Shouldn’t I be allowed to share my opinions on my safety and my students’ safety?

Kimberly: I wear my classroom key around my neck instead of keeping it in my desk in case I have to act in a split second.

Nick: I feel like people expect teachers to lay their lives on the lines — and any of us would to protect our kids. But it’s such an unfair expectation heaved upon an already overburdened and overworked community of professionals.

Jay: I want to say I feel safe because it wouldn’t happen in a school like mine, but that feels a little bit naive now.

What are your thoughts on the NRA’s suggestion to arm teachers?

Krystal: What an insulting idea.

Tammy: I don’t get funding to pay for Expo markers, let alone an assault rifle or training to shoot and kill someone. We agree that we would do anything to protect our kids, but … arming teachers won’t help the situation.

Rachel: The day I’m told I have to keep a gun in my classroom is the day I will leave this profession. I’ve accepted that someday my job may now involve jumping in front of a bullet, but I absolutely refuse to allow my job to become one where I have to fire that bullet. Especially if it’s at a student.

Jade: Having guns in the classroom provides access to guns for ALL students. Access to guns is the major contributing factor to these tragedies. Stop the guns from getting into my school or in my students’ hands. Stop trying to put one in mine.

Tammy: I would do anything for my students. This being said, I shouldn’t have to think about defending their lives. I should be thinking about how to improve their futures.

Are you in support of the scheduled student walkouts? What do you hope will be accomplished by this? What do your kids say about it?

Robin: I’m in total support of the walkout if it’s well-organized and has a purpose. The only way it can be effective is if the momentum continues and… there is a real, aggressive nationwide push for change.

Stef: I’m a social justice activist and my curriculum is centered around social justice issues, so I’m hoping my kids participate, honestly.

Nick: The cynic in me wonders what it will accomplish. I’m not trying to cast aspersions on the courageous survivors who came up with the idea, but I’m skeptical. Politicians don’t give a fuck how many kids march.

Casey: I hope that at the very least, someone will have to comment on it.

Connie: People are watching for our collective response, and we have to show that no matter how normal this all feels at this point, it is very much not normal.

Jade: I love the idea, but honestly, in this current climate, I think it presents a massive safety issue.

Lindsey: I’m worried that we’ll have to wait 20 years for these kids — who grew up thinking they could be shot in English class and watching adults do nothing to save them — to absolutely crush this issue into the ground.

Gemma: I think students have the right to peacefully protest whatever they find necessary. These children are trusting our government to take care of them.

What can the rest of the public do to show support for the safety of teachers and students during this time?

John: Petition their representatives at the state and national level. Vote them out if they are more beholden to the NRA than their constituents.

Robin: There needs to be a constant, in-your-face, aggressive fight by everyone.

Nick: Don’t ask teachers to become soldiers. Ask them how they’re doing. We’re all scared, and we’re never allowed to show it.

Connie: Unfettered access to killing machines is uniquely American, and it isn’t strengthening our society. We can do better and we should do better. We are the adults.

Tammy: If you own hunting rifles but would never own an AK-47, SAY SOMETHING! I think there’s a notion out there that only liberals want gun control, and that isn’t true.

Jade: Joining groups like Moms Demand Action and Sandy Hook Promise is a step in the right direction. Fundraising for money for metal detectors might help students feel a little safer tomorrow while we wait for change.

Kimberly: Stop spreading the “good guy with a gun” narrative.

Alisa: Demand to see your school’s active shooter plan.

Gemma: If you see a teacher, give them a hug or a drink — we’ve earned it.

Here’s what you can do right now to demand change for gun reform and support educators in America:

Call your representatives.

Donate to the Stoneman Douglas Victims’ Fund.

Join organizations like Moms Demand Action and Sandy Hook Promise.

Follow Everytown on Instagram for updates and visit their website for more ways to take action.

Learn more about the student walkout here.

Learn where to donate blood and march, and how to share tips with the police here.

Educate yourself: Learn more about the current landscape of gun control laws in America.

Have another resource to add? Fill up the comments with suggestions.

Interviews have been edited for length and clarity.

Jamie Loftus is a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles. You can follow her at jamieloftusisinnocent.com.

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[xfellytan]

RECOVERY

Notion Press Short Story Contest: https://notionpress.com/story/read/182/recovery

---

“Kerry! Get up!”

Head pounding like a truck just ran over him and nails drilling into his eyeballs, Kerry pulled his face up from his pillow that smelled like vomit, sweat and everything vile.

“Huh?”

He was disorientated from the loud noise all over, insulting his eardrums. His mouth felt dry with wool stuck in his throat. He tried recalling the last thing in his memory that landed him as a train wreck.

“Come on, man! We are late for class!”

“Ugh…”

Kerry dragged his intoxicated body up his bed and that was when a foul smell assaulted his nose. Bending down at the neck, he saw a huge patch of unspeakable substance on the front of his shirt.

“Oh gross.”

He gagged and covered his mouth, throwing the sheets off and dashed into the toilet. He threw up into the toilet bowl, his throat burning with tears rolling down his eyes. He mumbled words of profanity, took a deep breath and got up from the floor to rinse off the vomit in his mouth.

“Damn, how much did you drink? Are you actually an alcoholic?”

“Shut up, Jon.”

His roommate and best friend from university grumbled about his nightly liquid intake while getting ready for their morning class. Being half American but born in Singapore, Jon had the tall built from his Western father and pretty whiskey-brown eyes from his Asian mother.

“I’m not waiting for you.”

Kerry weakly waved to Jon as the tall giant-like blonde basketball player went out the door. He jumped into the shower to quickly wash off the stank from the night before. It was getting more and more difficult for him to fall asleep, even sleeping pills are useless now. Only alcohol could stop the voices in his head, the thoughts that appear in his mind. They all quietened down as his booze-induced brain went off to nobody’s land.

There were days when getting up from the bed was difficult and it had nothing to do with the lack of sleep. He would just lie on the bed and the voices would start.

Even if you were to die, no one cares. Not your absent parents, who were so glad to send you off to college. Not your sister, who is currently getting her residency at County General Hospital. Not your roommate, who has a bright future on the basketball team, he might even make the HomeTeam. And you are just a useless, unworthy waste of space. There’s no need for you to even try so hard, just give up.

Kerry dropped his head down between his shoulders, his palms against the wall as he let the water hit his throbbing body. His eyes drifted to the multiple scars on his arms, some running longer than others and some just short but thicker bump made of white tissue from broken skin. He remembered the pain from those cuts that helped to get him away from the dull dread in his heart. He shook his head, faced up to let the shower hit his face, clearing his intoxicated mind.

He heard his phone rang from the counter. He couldn’t even remember when he placed it there. He dried his body off and reached for the device. He saw the notification for a text message from his sister.

Hey, I hope you are doing all right. Sorry that I have not been able to contact you, I have just finished a 48 hour shift at the Emergency Room. Lunch together?

Kerry thought of cancelling on his sister, but he missed Caroline. He missed their late night talks when they were still in high school, they were like two peas in the same pod. People often mistook them for lovers because they were close like that. He loved her to death. They fight like normal siblings do and they get in trouble together like siblings should. But there were times when it was so hard for him that he could not even tell his sister about it. He was scared that by admitting what was wrong, he was giving in to his weakness. That he was letting it solidify into a truth that he would not be able to deny any longer. He was afraid that she would judge him or despise him when that happens. And he would no longer have that one family member that cared about him. He sent her a quick reply to the time and venue to meet. Kerry put on clothes and went off to morning class, wishing that it was already time for lunch.

Once Kerry stepped into the café they arranged to meet, he heard a loud squeal of happiness and a body barreling towards him. Before he could react, a pair of strong occupation-trained arms coiled around his waist and pulled him tight against a warm body.

“Ker!”

Caroline kissed him on the cheek and smiled at him heartily. Her smile was instantaneously switched to a frown when she took a good look at the heavy eye bags and pale skin. She pulled him towards the table with her bag and sat him down on the seat opposite from hers.

“How are you?”

Kerry felt his throat closed up at the question. His instincts were to say he was fine. Like how he replied every single one who asked him the same. But this was his sister, the closest person he had since he was born. The first person to carry him into her arms when he came into this world. The first woman to tease him when he started turning into a man with hair growing under his chin. He played with the rim of the coffee mug in front of him. She bought him his favourite hot cappuccino.

“I’m-“

“Don’t you dare tell me you are fine. You are obviously not. Ker, look at me.”

Ever since the first time he discovered that it was getting more and more difficult to get out of bed and the multiple lines running across his arms, he felt guilty and unworthy to look directly into Caroline’s eyes. Looking into her eyes felt like she could see through him and he did not want to let his sister see the ugly sides of him. He felt defensive and pushed to the corner by his sister’s words. He ground his teeth and clenched his jaws in frustration.

“I’m fine,” he growled his reply.

Caroline pulled his hand away from the mug and into her warm palms. He felt a tight grip around his heart, strings that wrapped his beating organ up and threatened to cut off his blood supply.

“It is okay to not be fine, babe. Remember that time when I wanted to give up on studying because I made a mistake? I told you that that was it, that would be how my life would end and my future would be bleak. But you told me, it is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to say you are tired and want to take a break from everything. But after that break, I need to remember to brush off the dirt and move forward.”

“But I don’t have the strength to get up. I don’t want to get up.”

“So that’s it? That’s all? Hmm? You gonna give up your whole life just like that? Yes, you don’t have the strength to get up, because the weight is heavy on your shoulders. But if you don’t want to get up, there’s no one that can help you.”

“What’s there to give up? There’s nothing even worth to fight for.”

“Why does anyone fight to survive? Why does anyone do anything? Because we don’t want to live meaninglessly. Because we want to give a chance in life. Why does anyone try so hard to get a Masters in Medicine? Why does anyone study their brains off just to get into an Engineering course to fix planes so people can be safe on air? Why does anyone even try to do anything? It’s just how we are as humans, we try to do something to give meaning to being alive. It’s the process of life that matters and if the results aren’t what you want, at least you enjoyed the duration of it.”

Tears finally rolled down Kerry’s cheeks. He had worked hard since high school to get to where he is. Their parents were almost nonexistent, he had to step up and mature earlier than anyone his age so as to be a friend to his sister, a parent and a good brother. Both siblings worked while they were schooling to support themselves since they were kids. Their parents would provide the roof over their head and occasional meals if they remember they have kids. After Caroline got into Medicine and her residency, there was only Kerry left in the house with their parents. It was then that his parents started explicitly express their thoughts that he should start being independent and leave the den.

“You worked hard through your life, Ker. Both of us did. Through our childhood, growing up and even when we got into high school. We struggled and pushed our way through. What for? Why? Because we wanted to get out and do something, we wanted something for ourselves. We moved towards our goals when we realised what made us enjoy life in the process. Why did you go college?”

Caroline’s grip on his hands was strong and comforting, pulling words out of his mouth.

“When I realised my passion for tools and engines, I thought I would just end up in a run-down car garage working odd jobs to get by each day. Then I realised there was nothing wrong with that as long as I enjoyed what I do. But I wanted more than a small garage. I wanted to reach for the impossible. I wanted to make the impossible, possible. So I took the leap and applied for college to get a Degree in Engineering. That was what I wanted when I left the house.”

“So what do you want now?”

Kerry wiped his tear stained face with his long sleeves. He pulled them up to his elbow. He had never shown his sister his scars. But he guessed that she knew about them from the very beginning. Who would wear long sleeves in a 40 degrees summer day other than having something to hide?

“I don’t want to keep staying in bed. I don’t want to keep feeling numb. I want to get up. I want to feel alive. I want to do what I like and live life the way I want it. I want to reach for the impossible and make it possible. I want to leave this place on my own terms. I want to smile on my last breath and tell myself that I did it. I want to feel better. I want all these bad feelings to stop. I want to admit to myself that yes, I have depression but I’m not going to let it bring me down.”

Kerry tried to smile through the sobs in his throat and the fresh tears running down his eyes. Caroline ran her fingers through the white scar tissues. She cupped Kerry’s face in both her palms. She smiled and that made him smile too.

“Nothing is more beautiful than a smile that had struggled through tears. Don’t let today get you down. Look forward to tomorrow. Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain. Your strength and willpower that I admire were never from an easy life. You will come out of this stronger than before. I believe in you.”

There was no miracle healing for mental illness. But Kerry knew that he was at least one step towards recovery when he decided to get help. Many deny the existence of mental illness and treat depression like it was something made up by people who just wanted to sleep-in for the day. The first step of recovery is admitting that he is indeed mentally ill. And the second step is to get the help needed to recover. He is not damaged, just a little broken.

< END >

#short story #life #depression #mental illness #writing #novel