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astroponder · 3 years

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I just want to preface this by saying that by no means am I a writer. Adding to that yes I’m able to express things but I’m not one to care about punctuation unless autocorrect adds it. If my thoughts that you read don’t have much context I apologize and am willing to elaborate further with any questions. With that being said let’s drive in my mind and share my own perspective on life.

Funny how life is a growing process that you molt from with each shell you grow from with experiences. We all have this idea of what a perfect life would be like for our own self. Striving to achieve that or stumbling along the way. Sometimes we fall into this pit that seems impossible to get out of. Yes it could possibly be our own cause of why we’re stuck there or outside factors. Hell maybe even both if we’re really unlucky. I’ll be honest for more transparency for myself and the reader. I’m stuck due to my own lack of ambition. Why you ask? Well let’s go down the rabbit hole of my life.

I’m 23 years young on this lovely planet. I grew up without much in life and it was a constant struggle sometimes depending on the stage of growing up. My mother decided at the age of 18 she wanted to have a baby with my father. My father who was married wanted to have a baby as well but his wife didn’t want anymore children. So bam drugs, alcohol, nasty sex here I am. Technically an only child between my mother and father but I’m the middle child of the 9 total of all the siblings I share.

This part will give the basis of my mother. I get my tenacity, grit, and determination from her along with intelligence. Don’t mistake that for her being a saint for some reason though. Ever since she was young she has been a troubled child due to her upbringing as well. She hid me from my father until I was 7 years old. I had no knowledge of the man until one day she decided child support was needed while she was married to my step dad. Back tracking though from day 1 to age 6 it was hell. I was never really taken care of always dropped off at peoples houses to be taken care of. One day I was with my grandmother and I was taken into custody as a foster child. Due to the lack of parental care I should’ve been given. To good faith looking back my mother regained custody of me again. You might be thinking “why the good faith?” Well we’ll get to that.

Upon coming back to my moms care she was seeing my step dad through the internet. He wanted the white picket fence life with her since he thought she was the one. Young love you gotta love that shit it’s a world of hell. Well you know what actually got that life for about almost 4 years. It was great I loved it I could be a kid with no worries of abuse or being left alone. We got to do things kids would ask their parents like baseball games, movies, and beach days. I even got to do karate for a little bit. Looking back it was truly great growing up. Until my mother found out my step dad was talking to other women. So she decided to take it upon herself to have an affair. All things went down hill after that without warning. Money was being spent irresponsibly, my step dad worried of the state of the relationship, people would show up randomly total strangers. My mother’s past life tickled back in.

Everything perfect was flipped on its head put into complete distress. My mother let that old life take her by hands and be whisped away. Her boyfriend was very abusive my home was turned into a shithole with every room turned into a bedroom. Literally every room was a place to sleep. The memories that were made in each part of the house faded to distant thoughts of happiness. Drugs were used regularly around us along with people being drunk. One memory I recall I broke one of her boyfriends bongs by accident and cried hysterically because I thought was going to beat me. I would catch my mom having sex all over the house with him. One time he did out his hands on me. He grabbed me by the ears and threw me around like a rag doll because I disrespected my mother for mistreating me. I was mad at her because she put me in “home jail”. I was fed only when she said it was necessary and when I was fed it was usually rice or eggs made out of the microwave. Mind you I was in trouble for staying up too late for playing a theme park creation game my father bought me for Christmas. That is why I was in “home jail” sadly. My step dad had been kicked out of the house and thrown down the stairs earlier before all this happened I forgot to mention that as well. Then my mother came to me one day and asked if I wanted to visit my father. I said yes because I wanted to get away from that life. Evidently it was a ploy to drop me off to live with my father unknowning to me and my father. She was going to jail for money laundering that is why she did it.

I received that phone call from her while up there with my father saying “you’re going to have to live with your dad for awhile mom has to take of some stuff”. I thought to myself “this is great I’m so happy I can be happy and a kid again!!!” Sadly I was mistaken... going back to my mom hiding me from my father I never really knew anything about him. I had visits but it was only when he was buying me clothes, toys, and other things. Everything at first was great living with my dad. I was always fed and had something to do so I could stay busy. Something a kid needs at 10 years old. My father always had money and I never understood really why for a bit. I would ask for something and he would buy it for me no questions asked. Eventually I learned he had money all the time because of drugs more specifically prescriptions. He would sell Xanax and Oxys to my family and his friends. I would always see people falling asleep or arguing with my dad to help them out because they’re hurting. I never let myself understand it fully because I was young and didn’t care because I had everything I wanted.

Things started to change after about a year dramatically being with him. My older siblings by about 10+ years would bully me saying that I’m not his son even my own step mom. They didn’t like me because I was a child that shouldn’t have ever happened since my dad was married. My own father would even question it to my face by saying my uncle could be my dad because my mom liked sleeping with other people. This is nothing you should ever tell your child under any circumstance. So it continued the bullying, hazing, and hate towards me it progressed badly. My step moms brother decided to smash a burger in my face because I stuck up for myself when he was picking on me. He was 37 at the time totally uncalled for. My sisters drunk boyfriend smashed his knee in my back because he was drunk and I stuck up for myself. My sisters would scratch things into my tv and blame me for doing it. Along with burning cigarette holes in my bed. I even had to deal with bed bugs for 2 years going to school with bite marks all over my arms. At this point I’d stay in my room playing video games all day and night because it was an escape. People would steal my games from me because they knew I enjoyed them very much.

I was in 8th grade when everything got worse for everyone not just myself. My step mom passed away everyone’s life crumbled and my dad was very depressed. It was every man for themselves literally. My sister stole my dads safe with a ton of old family jewelry and pills. My dad never got it back. I stayed at the apartment with her a couple times and she stole it because her boyfriend told her to. Her boyfriend actually ended up overdosing and my sister fell asleep holding his dick when he was over dosing. He died off the pills she stole. I guess karma is a real bitch for some people. To some things up short basically after my step mom passed away we moved a lot never stayed anywhere long. My dad would disregard me as his son without any type of relationship with him. My sisters would bully and steal from me. Then my mom came back into my life after prison. I moved back with her expecting different results because I wanted to escape again. Once again I was sadly mistaken...

All the same story everything was good again for me for a small period of time. Except my mom would mentally abuse me. She was still the same dramatic sassy bitch as before. Always trying to paint this picture of what a perfect mother she was in my head even though I knew it wasn’t true. I would question her and I was met with brash comments “do you know what I’ve done to make sure you’re still here?” “Why do you argue with me I saved you from your fathers.” “I should’ve kept you in foster care.”. I was very angry at this point in my life since I was fed up with all the stress put on me. My father no longer talked to me anymore because he truly believed I wasn’t his son. Life sent me down a hole of hell at a young age. For the first time I was thinking about suicide. I ended up in the hospital for a week because I threatened to hang myself in the closet from all the pain out on me that no one wanted to own up to. I got out with still very little understanding of what I was feeling inside me. My mother again had stolen money and was off to prison again. To a miracle my aunt and uncle let me move in with them. I stayed with them for a summer and my dad ended up coming to get me.

It was back to the same bullshit from before except I was older and angry about all the abuse. I held no words back so no one liked me. By this point I was 16 and was a loose cannon among a bunch of idiots. Things came to a complete stop one day when my sister overdosed and left 7 childeren behind. My dad stepped up to the plate and made sure everything was taken care for each kid assuring they all had a home to live in. This is when I decided to go into the army to escape all the stress. Like honestly what the hell could army do to me? I’ve already been through so much shit in life lmao. College was something I wanted to do but debt was something I feared. So the army it was for my destiny in life or so I thought.

Holy shit was I free and liberated from the life I grew up with. I went through hell to graduate don’t get me wrong but all I had to do was listen and execute. My mother and father were very proud of me for accomplishing graduating basic training. It was a foreign feeling to experience from them. Let alone anyone in life. I got to be a fucking photographer/videographer for the army. Who in their right mind can say they’ve done that? Not too many people that’s for damn sure. I was proud of myself in every aspect and I got there because of myself no one else.

I completed schooling for my job and arrived to my unit fresh off the boat. Sadly I didn’t know how to be an adult because those skills were never taught to me growing up. My spending habits were absolutely ridiculous. I didn’t know how to save money. Credit cards were the downfall of my credit score. Women well fuck I had no clue what the fuck I was doing there. Relationships were non existent before Army life. Social life was great though everyone was my friend. It was something I could coast by and do without worries since I was always fed, clothed, and had money. Until once again my past creeps into the present while I was talking to this girl and dating her.

My father called me one day saying he might have colon cancer and my mom was always pestering me for money and help to get her out of another abusive relationship she put herself in. My girlfriend at the time saw that I was stressed out and didn’t know what to do so she wanted to leave me. She started talking to other guys while with me. It stressed me out completely. I didn’t want to go home for Christmas because I knew it would only worsen my stress. She left me before Christmas and about a week later after being barraged with more stress from home I woke up one day and decided it had to end. Suicide was my only option to escape all the things I’ve ever encountered in life. My heart hurt so badly from my childhood trauma and it always kept creeping back in. I looked on my messy floor of my barracks room. I saw a belt and an extension cord. For some reason I grabbed the cord without second thought. My roommate was gone on leave until after New Years. I went to the bathroom tied the cord up securely around the curtain rod then securely around my neck. I do a small hop after thinking blankly to myself it ends now. I black out after I feel the tension around my neck with a last thought of regret. It was dark and warm a place I could never describe fully. Then suddenly I feel something wet on my body I didn’t know where yet. The cord had snapped while unconscious and I hit the shower knob on the way down. I could open my eyes but wasn’t able to see physical objects only bright colors it was like looking through a Kaleida scope. I thought to myself “fuck I’m still alive, well I’ll fall asleep again and hope I’m dead” BOOM BOOM BOOM I open my eyes and couldn’t feel my body and barely move it. I could see again and thought who the hell is that at my door. I muster up whatever energy I had left and try to get my numb body moving again. I stumble to the door and open it and see my angry squad leader wonder where I’m at then I fall into him with no energy. I pass out again being woken up with my clothes being cut off and needles in my arm.

Well there you have it a failed suicide attempt... life was very depressing after that. I lost my entire military career because of it sadly. I loved my job so much I really did because it kept me away from my past. I numbed my past with alcohol and women. Very stupid decision don’t ever do that if you’re going though a hard time. Really don’t do that shit it’s disrespectful to yourself and women... I never dealt with my issues appropriately and it affected me after I got out of the army. Nothing I went through in life was ever fully acknowledged for what I went through I was a professional suppressor. I thought that once I got out I’d be happy because I could lead a life I wanted to live. Boy way I wrong because I didn’t deal with anything. I settled into a job and apartment. I enjoyed my job it had promise for progressing in a bunch of different areas I was very content. I met a very nice woman that deserved a good man I thought I could be for her. Then covid hit and shit hit the fan again. I lost my job that I thought was going to be good for me long term. It sent me into depression again numbing the pain. My girlfriend at the time was going through a hard time as well dealing with me being a a Debby downer along with school and work. God bless her heart because she is a good soul. She abruptly left me one weekend and it spiraled me deep into depression because I have bad abandonment issues from my childhood. She had good reason to leave I was a mess and wasn’t ready for a relationship along with a few other red flags I was giving off.

Life just stopped for me I looked for work but got settled into being back into my room again like I did as a kid. I picked up some college courses to keep busy and worked out a lot. I just couldn’t fill this void that made me feel like such a failure in life. All my life I felt as if I was always destined to be nothing like the rest of my family since things always got very bad quickly for me when it got good. Then when things start to settle out a little bit from my feeling of failure and breakup. My brother commits suicide while trying to achieve his dreams. He committed suicide the same way I tried. It cut my heart so deeply. Everyday I’d think to myself “is this what’s it always going to be like?”. Even when you get to a point where you’re going somewhere you still want to die? I go to therapy and acknowledge things while working on them. I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t want to die I just want be happy. Where that lies one day in life I have no clue but I do know deep down in my broken heart the day with present itself to me when it’s right.

Well hot damn you’re probably wondering why I’m writing my life out on the internet of all places huh. I just want people to know they’re not alone even in the hardest times there’s so many people out there just like you. Like I said I’d get to the part where I said it was good faith my mother got me back. I’m an anomaly something that should’ve gone rogue like the rest of my family. Treated everyone like shit and be ignorant to many things. From all the things in life I’ve gone through I’m the most kind, caring, and selfless person. I hold no hate in my heart from my past anymore because it has made me into a very strong human being. I feel as if I can overcome anything in life now. If she never got custody of me I would’ve been robbed of so much knowledge in life. Humble beginnings make strong people and circumstances make smarter people. I know who to avoid in life, keep in my life, love, and appreciate.

I’m going to accomplish my goals no matter the stakes. Expect to possibly hear from me again on this page to give updates if you do care to read more. I could go into more detail and have more context but I would be writing a novel. You are not alone remember. I’d be glad to listen to anyone’s life story or troubles because you deserve to be validated.

The picture I added is of the sunset I took. Just remember each day that sun goes and rises the next day no matter what. It’s consistent everyday if you do the same you’ll understand it’s all about getting through things day to day.

If you read everything thank you! Please feel free to ask any questions. Things got a little rushed towards the end of writing this so it got kind of sloppy and short of information but I think it does enough justice.

#photography #spirituality #writing #positivity #rant post #depressing shit #depressing post #anxitey #fucking hell #original story #my life #self love #october 2020

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 7 years

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asks (40)

Anonymous said: Holy frick that is so encouraging and I needed that so much bc I literally visited my college to measure my dorm room and drove home in tears bc I panicked myself into a frenzy about whether or not everything leading me to this point has been a mistake and what if I fail and ruin my life before it even starts (I have since calmed down a little) so your encouragement was much needed & is much appreciated

I’m glad I could help <3 <3 <3 Good luck at school! I’m sure you’ll kick its ass

areverieofchaosdreams said: It's Fanfiction Writers Appreciation Day. So thank you for all your amazing stories!!!

Oh goodness I’m all a blushin :’)

Anonymous said: *HAPPY WRITER APPRECIATION DAY* Send this to someone whose talent has blown you away, who you'd like to encourage to keep on writing always, and who you'd like to thank for working their butt off to provide fandom members with breathtaking stories to consume! THANK YOU :D

Aw thank you!

Anonymous said: Hi! I Hope you're well! Do you still take fic requests? Because I really miss Colin Wilkes and I'd love to a story of him with your writing!

Unfortunately I don’t often take requests these days, but I’ll definitely keep Colin in mind!

dirtycherrypie said: hey! applying for WE for the R&D department (may or may not be aware of producing bat gadgets)

dirtycherrypie said: SHit forgot my name - Bea, at your service!

[Bruce Wayne voice] hired

tigers-and-weeds said: Literally just fell down the rabbit hole on your tumblr for the last 12-24 hours. I am in love with with you headcannons and fics! The angst feeds my soul... So I figured I would request: anything angsty with Dick and Damian please please please

Okay again I don’t usually take fic requests BUT I like me some angst so the odds that this will eventually happen.... are extremely high. I’ll try to remember to dedicate the next one to you :) And thank you!

math--ew said: I went on a little birthday vacation to california and I've never been to the beach before. I was bending down to grab a pretty shell and this huge wave knocked me face first into the sand. Like, five people saw and laghed but I got the shell so I guess it's a win win.

Duuuude back at Lake Michigan last month the same thing happened to me. I was taking care of my little sister and her five year old friend, so I was so busy making sure they were okay that the wave plowed me halfway across the beach

babybatbrat said: when i was in ap physics i once spent an entire study period in my physics teacher's room working on one problem. as far as i could tell i was doing all of the work correctly and had all the initial values right so i was racking my brain trying to figure out why i wasn't getting the right answer. the third time i went up to my teacher and asked for help he told me to start at the beginning and walk him through my process bc he couldn't tell why i was getting it wrong either (1)

babybatbrat said: (2) so i start the problem and explain how i got through all the values - "okay so the rod is 5 inches long and half of 5 is 3 and a half -" and i stopped there bc it occurred to me that 3.5 is not half of 5. "it's what?" My teacher asks. i put my head in my hands and stood there for a minute before picking up my work and walking to the back of the classroom while he laughed, bc i had just spent 45 minutes convinced that half of 5 was 3.5 and not, in fact, 2.5, and that was the only thing wrong

Honestly??? Relatable

babybatbrat said: One time i woke up at six in the morning to hear the neighbor's dog barking and instantly realized that meant my dog had jumped the fence, so i went racing outside and sprinted down the street to catch her. when i did i picked her up and turned around to go home and then saw my neighbor standing on their front porch, realized i was in only an oversized spiderman tshirt and snowman pajama shorts, holding a twenty pound labrador and thats how i met my new neighbors

Incredible...... 10/10.....

thrakaboom said: Not a funny story,but two days ago at comic con I met Tom King and he showed me a picture of his kids while he was signing my books

Well hey that’s pretty cool

Anonymous said: I adore your Tumblr. It was a wonderful way to get into the Batfamily fanbase; prior, I thought that there was only one Batman and a single Robin, dearie me was I wrong. And those stories you write, just great. The Headcanons are just as enjoyable. As for Batman, that has come to be a sibling enjoyment. Thank you for your contributions and existence!

!!!!!! Welcome to the crew!

frnkensteingrrrlz said: hey!!! i just went through ur reasons to be happy tag and!! i'm so so happy bc of it (esp the damian hcs, they're spot on imo and he's my favourite) so i hope u have a good day!!!

Thanks! I am having a good day today! Although I’m sure it’s been a long time since you sent this :////

Anonymous said: HELLO I have just discovered and binge-read all of your fics with my homeboy Damian in them, and just wanted to pop by and say that I love you & you are my hero & you write my boy so well so thank u and I hope your life is blessed & you achieve your wildest hopes & dreams

My day is made :D

badfaith00 said: Best batman storyline you've ever read ?

Ooooooh hm I’m mighty attached to n52 Batman and Robin? Particularly the first storyline, but the second is also fantastic

Anonymous said: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHAMELESSLY REBLOGGING YOUR OWN WORK BC I HADNT SEEN IT BEFORE AND ITS HONESTLY SO PHENOMENAL ITS GOING ON MY LIST OF ALL TIME FAVORITES THANK U AND BLESS U

THANK YOU!!! THAT ONE IS MY FAVORITE AND I AM VERY PROUD OF IT

onwardmotley said: In today's Detective Comics someone finally told Bruce and co that Tim's alive. They didn't explain where he is, or how to get him back, but hey. It might've had more impact if anyone was seen actually mourning Tim and it wasn't just played as him being in cosmic time out, but at least it should end soon idk. Hopefully.

Tim Drake? It’s been years since I heard that name.....

Finally. Thank goodness.

Anonymous said: Idk if I prefer your soul crushing angst or your heartwarming fluff... actually I like to suffer so I'll stay with angst lol

Y’all seeing this? Anon gave me permission. Can’t yell at me next time because it won't be my fault (thanks babe :))

Anonymous said: for music, idk what kind of music u like so here is variety: St. Vincent - Paris is Burning, Sea Wolf - Dear Fellow Traveler (tbh everything by Sea Wolf is great), Dirt Poor Robins - Eleanor Rigby, Between Wind and Water- HAEL, Ellem - Kings and Queens and Vagabonds, The Rigs - Rise & Fall, Tally Hall - Light and Night, and Streetlight Manifesto - The Hands that Thieve.

Thank you! I’m excited to listen to these! I’ll start right now!

Anonymous said: 1) What are the good comics to read for Batfamily stuff (from any point in time) and 2) what are the best Jason Todd comics? Thanks!

Okay for Jason I would definitely start with the big ones, which are A Death In the Family and Under the Red Hood. After that you could try Red Hood: the Lost Days and Countdown to Final Crisis. I would avoid the n52 series until you have a good enough grasp of the character to recognize bad writing when you see it.

For the generalized batfam.... that’s pretty broad. My personal favorites are Red Robin, Batgirl (2009), and both B&R series. If you have more specific questions, you should IM me! I promise I’m better about answering those than asks

yellowwallsbluesky said: Have you heard Swooner by The Zolas? I've really been jamming to it lately

Listening to it right now! Sounds like a bop so far :)

Anonymous said: Hidden citizens paint it black 💜

Much obliged!

Anonymous said: Harry styles "sign of the times".

[adds to list] thank you!

neo669 said: I MISS CASA OLE!! Sorry just read that you lived in Bryan/College Station and I used to live there as well. It's kinda hard to find people that even know that it exists. But I'm sure you can kick law schools butt. You got this!

Yooooooo I miss cstat too :((((

palliddark said: Adalgiza, and I'll be a translator (English to Brazilian Portuguese)

[Bruce Wayne voice] also hired

maeofthedead said: I love your headcannons and now I sort of want to cry thank

Excellent that is the exact target response

Anonymous said: Love your rant in the tags about the pizza making I'm laughing so hard

Listen..... I have strong feelings

Anonymous said: Did you hear they're making an omnibus of Tomasi's entire run on Batman & Robin?? I just heard and now I kinda want to get this massive book in honor of my favorite batkid and the series that made me love him so much

Man I already have all the individual volumes but if I didn’t......

sonicboom00724601 said: Hi. :) Nice headcanon. :)

I’m not sure which one you’re talking about, but thank you! You're real sweet

Anonymous said: can you maybe write an interaction between Wonder Woman and Captain America? I absolutely adore your style and would love to see your take on it.

Hmmmm I don’t really have a good enough grasp of Captain America’s characterization to try that one :////

Anonymous said: i tried to kill on mosquito that was on my ceiling by slamming it with a book but mosquito was on the move so i bounced swiftly and jammed both my wrist and thumb and now my existence is Pain. also my thumbs swelling and looks purple, so that's nice

Oh shit anon you good???

daziy said: Do we know who Barbara's mother usually is?

Yeah! In her original version, Babs had a birth mom and an adopted mom. She was originally Jim’s niece, so her birth mom’s name was Thelma Gordon. After the adoption, her parents were Jim and Barbara Gordon, with her adopted mother being her namesake. So two Barbara Gordons.

I think for awhile the canon was that her mother died in a car crash, but the current version has her still alive. She left Jim when Babs was young, taking her son (Babs’s brother) with her. James Gordon (the son) turned out to be a serial killer.

Barbara Gordon Sr. and James Gordon Jr. both appeared in the n52 Batgirl series during the Death of the Family arc. There’s also a very good story about James from the Dickbats period. That one’s called The Black Mirror, if I’m not mistaken?

Anonymous said: Hi! What do you think of the upcoming metal event? Dick and Damian seem to have a big role in it ( I hope Jason is involved too but there's still no sign of it)

Hmmmm I don’t know that I have an opinion just yet, but as always, I hope to be pleasantly surprised

Anonymous said: bless you are your wonderful tagging system. know that i may have avoided death because of how easy it was to f ind the thing I wanted in your tags. bless

Oh goodness anon I hope you’re not serious about almost dying.... but thanks?

Anonymous said: hi amy! would u say that damians narrative is written as a child abuse one? like there are definitely many allusions to it but its also not as explicit as say, cassandra or rose. like how much of it would u chalk up to comic world dynamics and how much to actual abuse? also would u consider jason to also be a case of this?

Oh I have very strong opinions about the role of abuse in Damian’s narrative. It’s absolutely there, and the effects are staggeringly large. There is no doubt in my mind that the league was an abusive environment, and I can’t justify some of the things Bruce did either.

I think I would say the same thing for Jason, if not quite as strongly. I definitely think that some of the things that happened to Jason as a child shaped his story later on, but less of those were abuse than outside circumstances. The n52 takes a different track on that one, I think, but I don’t put much stock in that characterization.

Anonymous said: has jason forgiven bruce for not killing joker? if so, what made him?

Unlikely. They get along better these days, but I would argue that comes from poor characterization of Bruce, not an actual resolution process.

mellenabrave said: My mom accidentlly threw my Damian doll away (╥_╥)

Tossed in the garbage by yet another parent--

Anonymous said: Whoa where'd you get that bat and oracle shirt you're wearing in your necklace pic? It's so cool! (The necklace is also gorgeous!)

Shoot I think it was from Redbubble? But I can’t find it now

Anonymous said: Omg that necklace was so cool!!! Kudos to the maker of it!! Also I really like your top!!

Thank you <3

#......dont look at me #listen i JUST got wifi again #asks

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