#my therapist told me that today

[saturnvs]

equine therapy starts again today for the first time since … october? nervous 🫠

#debating whether or not i want to continue because so far it’s only given me more anxiety #and i’m not sure the therapist and i … match #i need something softer and she’s not always very soft in her approach #+ she thinks i’m ‘too young’ to occasionally have debilitating back pain #and she also did not believe when i told her i was diagnosed with autism because i ‘don’t look like it’ #🙃 #many parts of the therapy Have been good but i’m not always sure if she even likes me that much? she gets frustrated when i get anxious #i’ll just see how i feel about it today although i’m shaking with anxiety lol #let’s just say it wasn’t entirely what i dreamed of when it began #and i’m still hoping for my old riding school to get back to me #i might need to resend that email..

[whumpacabra]

Have your character toss and turn all night because they forgot a dose of their pain medication, so they get up the next morning on the verge of tears because they’re so tired and in so much pain.

#whump #whump prompt #exhaustion #pain #pain medication #personal silly stuff: #it’s me I’m the character. <- brushed my teeth and didn’t want to have to eat something to take my pain meds last night #and ohhhhh boy was that a mistake 🙃 ough my bones #also guess who has to get the funnel traps from the field site today by himself <3 that’s right this girl. they’re gonna kill someone. #o7 my physical therapist told me I was in a horrible career for my condition and it’s like boy I know. trying to get the last few years of #my legs I got left before I can’t hike and snowshoe and climb trees #I will simply afflict my fictional blorbos to cope

[rackartyg]

in therapy today i just talked about the dark urge and astarion and my therapist was elated about it. it was fantastic. “wow you’ve really been using this story and those characters to process things. that’s amazing!”

the era of being ashamed of my interests is over. it’s apparently Cool and Healthy to use fiction to cope. i wish i could tell fifteen year old me about this it would blow her mind

#she speaks #arctic plays bg3 #bad brains blogging #you’re gonna have to pry SFF from my cold dead hands because ‘this creature is not human but nonetheless a person’ is THE most #important thing ever actually #i love taking my feelings and experiences and externalising and concretising them through metaphor #my favourite thing about astarion is how he both has literal cptsd AND metaphorically through his vampirism #that fucking rules #also shoutout to another thing therapist said today: #she was originally sceptical of my potentially having autism #then she was like ‘ok you have some traits but you’re probably not diagnosable’ #then today she was like ‘you make so much sense when one thinks of you through the lense of autism’ #amen sister i’ve been right there with you #but now i’m getting my second assessment soon! which won’t change anything about me i am and will be ‘tism-y regardless #but it’s going to be interesting to see what happens #also i told her about my WISC scores and she was like ‘jesus christ tell them to evaluate you for adhd too’ so uhhh #they already screened me for that and i believe i tested negative but let’s see #the WISC score was why i was even referred for an assessment so

[fitsinthepalm]

it’s kind of wild that you don’t realize how depressed you were until you start feeling better

#does this make sense to anyone else #i’m like currently coming out of a funk #even my therapist told me the past 6 months is the most depressed she’s ever seen me (i’ve been seeing her weekly for 3+ years) #and literally these past like 2-3 weeks since i put my resignation in at my old job #i have had so much energy and motivation #today i walked both dogs and went on a walk with baby girl after daycare #i went to the local nursery and bought mums & pumpkins #i brought out the interior fall decor from storage and put it around the house #like obv i have extra time bc i have some time off before i start my new job #but like!!!! i haven’t *wanted* to do anything for so long #like i was just completely apathetic #i’m gonna cry thinking about it #but it feels so good to feel like i’m turning a corner #hi if you read this far ilysm i am kissing you on the mouth

[iqmmir]

Hi im back . For some time

#.mimiming ❜ #um . hi im gonna slee soon but i missed you all so much #umm first of all im trying to ccut down in screentime because my therapist told me to #second. after two or three months of convincing myself that i literally do not care im only going to school for just a few more days (onl #y today and wednesday) i literally do not care #i almost keep crying . because well um #idk. i was originally planning on cutting off contact with everyone #because of stuff thats happened before #but my friends. my current friends dont just treat me as a therapist or something so #also one of my wives would probably hunt me down and kill me if i tried to cut off contact #but ill still miss this stupid class and this stupid school and all the stupid teachers and students #and the horrible tasting canteen food #and the playground ive played in eight times total despite being here for 12 years #idk man #also because of my periods my mood swings were so much worse #and i just ..idk i needed a break ig #anyways im back for sometime then ill start looking for a job #me friend said maybe we can do something together #idk #you can always send me asks and dms tho 👍👍 #im not really sure . like about anything right now #ill try to get the drawing requests done soon maybe #wild how time passes huh #god i need to stop acting like such a grownup im literally three years old

[kitkat-of-doom]

.

#lmao this is the worst #i just got denied my appointment for a formal autism diagnosis #after finally managing to send all the correct documents #their reason???? “oh your case isn't complex enough for us you should go see somewhere else” #like bitch i already have another fucking diagnosis that isn't even receivable #because no one fucking told me that you're actually supposed to go see a psychiatrist instead of a fucking therapist #and now you're telling me that i have to pay 400€ more to a psychiatrist just so they can tell me the same thing as last time #“oh we cant conclude anything cos adhd and autism are so close you're gonna have to go to the actual hospital to figure that one out” #just so i can come back in 2 years #like come on your creteria for taking people in was that they had to have had a diagnosis already #i fucking have one !!!! #im so tired of this #like i feel im never actually gonna see the end #why can't it just be easy for once #crying in class because of that shit was not on my bingo list for today

[snzluv3r]

my ex is one of my best friends (in true lesbian fashion of course) and i’m their ‘witness’ for their autism evaluation so i’m staying with them for the week and their cats are ALL over me so i’m all sneezy and an allergic mess.

and they know about the kink so every time i have a sneezing fit they just give me this LOOK like they know how crazy it’s driving me

i am getting absolutely no work done because i am so distracted in multiple ways

#the ONE person i told about the kink also happens to be the one who sees me sneeze the most #if only they had the kink LOL they don’t see the appeal at all #they actually hate when i sneeze too much like get visibly annoyed #got a clingy ass cat in my lap and her tail is tickling my arms #it’s so obvious why we are exes like i had therapy today and i literally logged onto the zoom session WHILE WE WERE FIGHTING LMFAO #my therapist was like okay i guess we can do relationship therapy today (she is technically certified as one)

[whentherewerebicycles]

therapy was “helpful” and I “liked it” and sigh I’ll “keep going”

#I like my therapist a lot #the one point where we disagreed today is she feels it’s probably not ideal to read every single book available on a topic #so as to be able to make informed decisions #I was like ok MAYBE it’s a way of exerting control but ALSO I can just have a scholarly interest in mapping the critical landscape ok #it’s fine no one agrees with me on this point lol liz is always like not another rabbithole #but idk I am always trying to explain that like #having more information actually makes me feel more free to do whatever #because instead of having one fixed idea about the ‘right’ way to do something #I can explore/evaluate a ton of different ways of doing something #and see that they all basically lead to the same decent outcomes even if by different routes #and so then I can be like well I’ll just do what feels best/works best for me and not worry so much about if it’s the ‘right’ way #I feel like maybe it’s an anxiety behavior but the outcome is significantly less anxiety over day to day decisions #🤷‍♀️ #however maybe this is one of my ‘cognitive distortions’ lol #I did start getting really panicked at the thought of being told I couldn’t research stuff lol

[iamwizzzz]

if i didn’t think it would traumatize my younger siblings i would’ve been killed myself

#i told this to my therapist today and they wasn’t tryna let me leave the building

[pingnova]

I'm going to be creationist long enough to demand God tell me why nerves in your ankles cause you to pee when stimulated

#things my physical therapist told me today with a straight face that made me ???!?!?!?!??! #'hold on i understand the proposed treatment just explain where the pee nerves are again... WHY?!' #personal

[icouldbeyourprettygirl]

I’m getting worried about things with S. He texted me again last night, and while it was just about music, it still felt wrong. At the very end he said, “you’re the bestest, Cassie” and while that made me extremely happy in the moment, that’s kind of a weird thing to say for a 40 something year old man to say to a 19 year old girl. I’m not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, to be honest. (Am I overreacting??)

#I showed some of my friends our conversation and they all thought it was weird #I asked them if they would be uncomfortable if they were me and without hesitation they said absolutely #I don’t know what to do and I’m kind of scared #I also told my therapist about it today #she didn’t really give me any solutions other than putting up boundaries which I’ll definitely try #but she did say that what he’s doing is not okay #she was scared that he’d try to hurt me previously but now she thinks he’ll only do something with my permission #not sure if that’s really a whole lot better tbh #male teacher crush #teacher and student #teacher crush #teacher crush community #male teacher x female student #teacher x student #male tc #s #teacher crush blog #tc blog #tc community #tc crush #teacher crush feelings #tcc #tccblr #tcc feelings #tc thoughts

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

really don't like company resilience training that tells me to 'eat healthy' and exercise and "theres no shame using the company eap" etc like stay out of it bro

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona's jobhunting thoughts and woes lol #ilona's work thoughts #ilona's work dilemmas #day 1 of the call went ok except for the condescending resilience training and quiz we did #right at the end of today #like could just get told that my doctor or a therapist too #i dont want my work telling me to do it too

[forbiddennhoney]

does anyone else ever get the urge to dress their loved ones up like little barbie dolls? like i love you so much i want to tell you what to wear and watch you prance around in the cute little outfit i picked for you!!!!

#personal #i am sappy today cause i had therapy and cried a bunch first thing in the day #and it felt so good to get those feelings out #ough man i love my therapist #this post is not abt my therapist btw this is a tangent in the notes #they told me this AM tht i was the only patient they gotta worry abt seeing irl (cause most of their other patients are in another city) #and then we laughed about how we realized we knew EXACTLY what queer events in the city the other was reffing just by name #and we agreed we would just avoid each other in public unless the circumstance demands we say hi then we will be nice ot each other

[goodmorningnona]

listen okay ive been going on about this for like a week now but i just think it's a little funny that ever since i had to stop therapy there's been a MASSIVE increase in my writing. it is not only a wonderful creative hobby but also helps me get through shit and process my emotions and i dont think that's bad at all! but i am living up to the stereotype of creatives Not Being Okay and i do love that and think it's a little bit funny.

#in fact. the less okay i am the better my work gets and that is sooooo toxic cancel me #i wont fuck myself up TOO bad on purpose de #*dw #but anyway i keep being told by even like GOOD therapists that i know all the things anyway and i just verbally work out the problem w them #listening rather than them give me advice so maybe i should just continue this i might actually Be Good. ........ for now. #and YES i know it's probably a bit of a maladaptive coping mechanism but im autistic im allowed one (1) maladaptive coping mechanism as a #treat. and i dont watch tv and havent been gaming SO LET ME HAVE THIS #i must CREATE WITH MY HANDS it feels so much more relaxing to me than doomscrolling and also silences the developing workaholism by giving #me a Product #OKAY IM SHUTTING UP NOW I HAVENT TALKED MUCH TODAY IVE JUST BEEN WRITING SKFBDJDJ #'im shutting up now' i say on my Own Blog as if anyone gonna read this anyway wkfjeksjs #in my can't stop wont stop era fr #lessons of the hand and the mouth

[stormcried]

Gah, tfw you spent all day depressed and slept all day. I really wish I used my day off better, but aaaaaaa I wasn’t sure what else to do.

#I felt like I did nothing today?? I already told my therapist it irritates me that if I don’t do something productive I start getting antsy #or annoyed with myself and apart of me doesn’t want to make working my only life thing #I need some sort of purpose to like?? function?? #because working in a grocery store all my life sounds like absolute shit which is why I’m hoping this million dollar contest im entering in #will give me SOME sort of benefit finally to all the struggling I went through #/ venting #cw venting

[astriiformes]

My mental health is an absolute shambles at the moment and I am really at a loss, December is historically not a great month for me (not even because of the cold or it being so dark! I love the winter!! It is just the time of year I am most often plagued by incidents like ending up hospitalized due to being suicidal or having my uterus try to kill me or other miscellaneous horrors!!) but even considering, it does not seem like a great sign that I spent a good chunk of today googling things like "mood disorder mixed episodes" and "psychotic symptoms" because even though neither seems likely to be the culprit I am at just a complete and total loss as to what is going on

Like, we've got: random onset episodes of sobbing that end up turning to hysterical laughter when I try to explain what's wrong; a complete and total inability to focus on anything school related even with deadlines piling up like a fatal highway wreck (like, even worse than usual for me); The Dread™ that keeps settling in and making me feel like I'm dying... what am I supposed to do with any of this!! I have a semester to drag myself to the end of!!

--Anyways I am not looking forward to whatever this year's seemingly inevitable crisis might prove to be (especially when this whole year has been fucked since February; I have no desire for there to be some kind of terrible grand finale) but I guess the silver lining is that it seems like I'm finally doing okay at the whole "actually making college friends" thing, because after a mid-day mental breakdown that meant I missed my one on-campus class today, I decided to drag myself to school anyways and got hugs from a couple of folks, including a friend who dropped a weighted blanket on top of me to calm me down and asked if I wanted to talk for a bit which was.... comforting, at the very least, even if I still feel a bit like the downward spiral has only just begun in earnest.

#did promise her that i am going to needle-felt her a ghost over winter break since she loves my flapjack so much #which was not in /exchange/ for the dose of grounded 'you okay bud?' #but given that my panicked 'brain is broken' rambling is taking on a decidedly eclipse lake character again these days #was sufficiently ironic to make me slightly less-despair filled for a few hours #anyways [shakes my brain] WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THERE #like i never expect there to be a simple answer with me but #just know that at one point today when i was trying to explain my mental state scribe told me 'i see why you related to harrow so much' #and i immediately went 'oh god is it that dire' #sentences you would share with your therapist if your therapist was a better fit and it would mean anything to them