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vexxed-soho · 4 years

Text

Adios Para Siempre

He sat in the darkness, the ice clinking against the half empty glass as he brought it up to his lips. He stared out into the dark night sky, the vast abyss so inviting. He took a long sip and grimaced as the liquor burned it’s way down to his stomach, he placed the glass down and filled it up to the top. Was this really how it would end? Was he always just going to be destined to meet women who would leave him in the end? He chuckled bitterly at the thought, every time they would be swept off their feet in disbelief that somebody like him existed, then, without warning, they would leave, either scared or running back to the past that they knew all too well. He opened the pack of cigarettes lying on the table and placed on into his mouth, he lit the cigarette and took a long, deep drag.

Silence had always been a good companion but tonight it was almost daunting. He didn’t know why it was so different this time around, it was as though she had taken something from him that he would never, ever get back.

His phone rang, without looking at who was calling, he picked up, “hello?” He said lazily, the liquor clearly taking it’s effect.

“Um...hey.” Came the reply on the other end of the line.

His heart skipped a beat and for a very brief moment, he felt like he had been pulled from his intoxicated state. “Uh, hey...” he said quietly.

“I’m sorry to call you so late but I was hoping we could talk.” She said.

“I don’t know what there is to talk about, we said our goodbyes.” He took a drag of his cigarette.

“I don’t really know how to say this but I guess I’m just going to say it: I made a mistake, I shouldn’t have gone back; we were broken up already but I went back because I thought it would be different, I thought I loved him. I know I hurt you I’m sorry.”

He gave a harsh chuckle and took another sip of his drink, “and what am I supposed to say to that? You made your choice, I told you that I respect your decision, I told you that if that’s what you wanted to do then so be it. I told you that it wasn’t the right decision to make, I told you that you were better off not doing what you did, but you didn’t listen and honestly, I don’t blame you because who am I really? I’m just another guy who came along at the right time and talked to you in the right way aren’t I? No, wait, there’s a difference, I’m the dumbass that caught feelings, I’m the idiot that swore that I could be different, so different, in fact, that you would choose me over him; I guess we’re all pretty fuckin’ stupid sometimes.”

She heaved a heavy sigh, “I was in love, or I mean, I thought I was in love, when I went back everything seemed so good, it was like it should’ve always been-”

“So why this call then?” He asked, interrupting her.

“Because when I thought back to the way we used to talk, when I thought back to how we were and how much you cared and how you made me feel, I realized that it was something that I needed and as much as it shocks me to say, it’s something that he can never give me. The way you poured out to me and the way you invested and believed in me is something I know he’ll never be able to do...” She sniffled, “look, I don’t know why I called, I don’t know how you’re going to take this, I never even knew I made you feel like shit, I never knew how you truly felt until you told me but at that time I just couldn’t reciprocate the way you wanted me to.”

He took another drag of his cigarette and drained the remainder of his glass. “You know how stupid I felt after it was all said and done? You know how badly I wanted to turn back the hands of time, to just remove you from my memories? To literally kill these stupid fuckin’ feelings and make it so that I would’ve never met you? I wanted to so, so badly, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t kill off the feelings, apparently alcohol and not eating doesn’t do the trick. I don’t even think you’ll believe me when I say that I loved you; I know we didn’t know each other for very long but that’s why I’m so upset with myself, how did I allow my feelings to develop so fast? Why did i give into this grand fantastical belief that you would somehow miraculously get with me instead of him? I mean at that time I didn’t even tell you how I felt, I didn’t think there was a point. I honestly never should’ve but I knew it was a bad idea, I knew that it wouldn’t make a difference at the time. I never should’ve spent so much time and so much energy because I knew what was gonna happen at the end but like all humans, I’m stupid, I’m flawed and I see the best in people, I saw you for who you really were, I saw beyond all the scars and all the mistreatment. I hated how you had been used and abused, I hated how you were so jaded to so many things because of the pain your past had caused.” He took a hold of the bottle and tooka long swig. “But now you come back and tell me that you made a mistake, that you thought it’d work out but now it didn’t. So let me ask you, what the fuck am I to you? Why are you coming back? Do you just want to have somebody in your life? Is that it? I could’ve given you and everybody around you such a better life; it’s never about the money I know, but you and I both knew that I was the better choice, I just never said anything so there was no decision that had to be made.”

There was a brief silence, he leaned forward and put the bottle to his lips again.

“At first, I thought I would be happy; at first, I thought him and I could work it out, that we could move past all the bullshit in the past, I thought that this was it, that I would be able to finally have the relationship that I had always wanted. But then one day, what you said just randomly came up and I realized that it wasn’t going to work. He doesn’t know what he wants out of life, he has no aspirations and he’s not really going anywhere; he doesn’t understand what it is that I want, he doesn’t know how to support my dreams or my aspirations. There are so many times where things come up and he just doesn’t know what to do, I don’t even care if we have to argue to figure it out but when we argue about it, it’s not to figure it out, it’s because he doesn’t want to do something because he’s scared of change. I just feel like life scares him, he doesn’t know what to do except hide behind his physique and the things he escapes with.”

He heaved a sigh and tried to stand up only to fall back into his chair. “I knew that’s how he was but I didn’t want to say anything, I wanted you to be happy, I wanted you to be loved and I wanted you to finally be appreciated...even if that wasn’t going to be with me.” He felt the tears coming as he grimaced and tried so desperately to hold them at bay. He gasped for air and felt the familiar warmth cut across his body as the tears came spilling forth. “I gave a damn about you, I cared so much; I knew I shouldn’t have, I knew that it was a bad idea, I knew that reaching out to you to begin with was bad idea. Stupid me decided hey let’s just do this even though it’ll probably end badly; why did you have to call?” He asked, his tears betraying his voice, “why did you have to come and tell me all this, why? You could’ve just stuck it out with him and had your whatever fairy tale story ending, but you call and tell me how you made a mistake, how you should’ve just told me that you wanted me instead. You’ll never understand the pain, you’ll never understand how it felt to just exist because you wanted so bad to just end the pain, to wake up every morning to same fucked up reality that the one that you want doesn’t want you, that the one that you poured out to took it all and ran. You’ll never understand how much that all broke me, I wanted you so badly; I didn’t even care about your body, I didn’t care about how curvy you were, how much ass you had or whatever, I didn’t care about any of that because I saw you for who you are. I told you that you were beautiful, I told you that it was more than physical. Potential, you know I hate that word now? I hate that word because it’s what could be but almost always never will be, it’s the biggest tease in the English language. So now you come and you tell me that you made a mistake, that you regret, what would you have me do? Should I be stoked and excited? Should I thank you for coming back? I had to stand on the sidelines and watch as you ran oh, so happily into another wall of pain and disappointment. So tell me how I’m supposed to take this.”

She was quiet, the sound of her falling tears was deafening. “I don’t expect you to say okay, I don’t expect you to say yes; in all honesty, I didn’t know what you were gonna say. I just wanted to call and tell you how I felt, I wanted to let you know that I do care, that I always cared, even when those situations with other women came up, I cared. I knew how good you were, I have always known how amazing you are...I just didn’t want that for myself because I thought I wanted him, I thought for sure going back would be so much better. I know I sound so stupid right now and I know there’s nothing I can do to take away the pain, I know me saying that I’m sorry won’t do anything but I am sorry; I’m sorry that I hurt you and I’m sorry I didn’t see the truth earlier; I’m sorry that you felt betrayed, that you felt like I robbed you of something that was so pure.”

He opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words, he tried so hard but the only thing that would come out were sobs of anguish. He let it all out then, he let all the pain, all the frustration, all the anguish.

“This is probably the last conversation we’ll ever have, I don’t think you’ll see me again...” He said finally, his voice trailed off as he stood up and stumbled to the window and froze, “how did you find me?” He asked in disbelief, “I moved, I ran away, nobody knows where I am.”

“It’s the beauty of technology,” She said as she got out of her car, she looked up into the window of the estate he was standing in front of, “I came because I knew that a phone call would never be good enough, I knew that I needed to come in person.” She walked to the main doors, “are you going to let me in?”

He stumbled to the doorway and weakly opened the door, there she stood, in the flesh, all the dreams where he saw her, all the dreams that were so blissful and were torn away by the harsh awakening to reality, all those dreams now were the reality that she was really there, standing in the doorway, tears streaming down her face and a smile that brightened up even the darkest of days. He fell into her arms and lost his hold on his liquor bottle, it fell and shattered beside him. She stumbled back as he leaned into her, she righted herself and helped him stand again. He led her into the estate and slurred for her to close the door, as she did so he took a step and collapsed onto the floor; she ran to him and tried helping him up.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said quietly, he reached up and placed his hand on her tear stained face.

Her eyes drifted from his gaze to the paralyzing reality of why he was so weak; she saw the blood on his wrists, she saw the deep, deep slashes. She cried out and grabbed both his arms only to find one identical to the other.

“There’s still hope, we’re not far from the hospital, they can get here in time,” she frantically reached for her phone only to have him guide her hands back into his.

“They won’t make it, I’m sorry for this, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to rid myself of the pain, nothing was right after you walked away, nothing had colour, nothing had smell, nothing had taste...” the tears began to flow from his eyes, “I’m so happy you came, I’m sorry it has to end like this, I’m sorry that I had to leave you this time.”

She sobbed as she closed her eyes in disbelief.

This was not happening, this could not be happening, no. He was supposed to come out and pull her into the tightest embrace with the biggest bittersweet smile on his face.

“I love you...” he said weakly as his eyes closed for the very last and final time.

You stand at a distance, watching, hoping praying that they’ll come back, hoping that you’ll be the one they choose but at the end of the day, you know it’ll never happen and that, that my friend, hurts worse than death...

#pain #heartbreak #sohologic #finaltime #neverchosen #bittersweet #writing #words

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