#or was i really just so numb and so isolated that i really didnt realize | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lisaas2418 · 4 months

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HEYA I AM BACK

And I begin my posting with some Yuu Angst, you're welcome 😁

So we know that GameYuu has it really rough there is no debate. Well imagine this and even more trauma and struggle.

Congrats thats my Yuusona.

So with the prolouge alone they got already traumatized.

1. Suddenly getting in contact with a carriage that comes out of nowhere and almost getting burned alive

2. Finding out that you are stuck in a world with magic and having almost no where to defend yourself against it.

3. Having to live in an not ideal dorm, which has dust all over the place and a broken roof. With ghosts residing in them, which is not normal in your world

4. Going in that wretched cave at night which is scary

5. The fucking Blotmonster and almost dying to it. (The real realization on almost dying comes when you try to sleep)

Now some basic things all over the chapters:

1. The fucking overblots which you get a few nightmares from.

2. On some occasions getting blackmailed by the headmage who is responsible for you (even though you blackmail him back)

3. Constantly missing those you love in the other world, worrying sick about them and losing your mind over how they feel

4. Your damm mental health being like a roller coster

5. The backstories

And now for the chapters 🙂

Heartslabuyl:

1. Being suddendly in a weird vivid dream that doesnt make sense at first

2. Some tyrant trying to insult your family

3. Getting a scar underneath your left eye from sharp bushes you protected your friend from

(Not much yet)

Savanaclaw

(Dreams getting more used to)

1. Getting a LONG scar on your right side of your body

2. Getting a head concussion on this a sports game you didnt even wanted to be there.

Octavinelle

(That one cave dream)

1. The twins...no more said

2. Becoming homeless and having no choice but to win a bet or you'll be a servant

3. Sleep problems

4. Getting your leg broken

Scarabia

(Why are the great seven mostly insane??)

1. Getting kidnapped in a sense

2. Getting hypnotized even if it was only for 5 seconds

3. Having a heatstroke

4. Being thrown into the cold part of the dessert

5. Getting cuts on your arm due to long overblot and healing constantly

Pormefiere

1. Some dormleader decided to curse your food

2. Attempting to drink the poisened apple juice yourself (but someone came first)

3. Constantly coughing blood

4. Feeling so weak you cant do shit during the fight

5. Getting scratched by your monster cat who was influenced by blot but then disappeared

Ignihyde

(Now it gets worse with the journey)

1. Not able to see your best friend

2. Felling so bad and guilty over everything you isolate yourself until the meeting

3. Your house being invaded amd destroyed by strangers

4. Almost overbloting yourself in rage of seeing your friends hurt or scared

5. Getting kidnapped (again)

6. Having to retell everything that happened regarding blots

7. Just finding out the world could end if you dont stop thesee two idiot

8. Having to watch your friends fight robots and blot monster but being unable to help them due to your blot being gone

9. Being physically and emotionally tired

10. Falling into the pit (bit being saved by your blot just in time)

11. Your legs being numb and not being able to move them

12. Coming back only to realize who will overblot next

Diasomia (I know its not finished yet, but this is how I would see it, I make future changes if needed)

1. Knowing a really close friend will overblot

2. The feeling of missing your world but feeling at home in this one clashing together (it sucks)

3. Starting to believe that all the overblots have been trigered by your presence

4. Repressing all your emotions and still trying to be there for your dragon friend and hoping to change fate by promising to always be there for him, only for him to break your trust by doing this stupid idea

5. Being stuck in a dream while some blot thing mist almost always being there

6. Repressing emotions and constantly putting yourself aside even if the people around you seeing your pain but you are brushing it off as "nothing new"

7. Having to deal with faes being mean to you for no reason but because you are a human

8. Overblotting due to repressed pain

9. Being in coma for 2 months

10. Seeing the person you trusted so much before, not able to forgive him any time soon

And thats not including the events

So yeah my Yuusona had it rough. They were only able to forgive Malleus after 2 months (ironiclly).

Now you might ask why would I come back from a long break and my first post would be Angst. Well cuz I wanted too

See ya next time 😊

#twisted wonderland #twst yuu #angst

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syntaxfraud · 4 months

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Vent

TW: mentions of bl0od, some cusswords, dysphoria

I was questioning my identity as a non-human, and I mightve figured that I most closely identified to being a vampirekin (potentially a fictokin? Idk if I spelled that right) or an alienkin. Also keep in mind that Im fifteen, so my vent could have a few grammatical mistakes.

I could be a therian as well but I realized that I could be 'choosing' to identify as one to find some community to relate to (since Im autistic and cant really socialize with people, especially with my peers in HS). I dont necessarily feel a connection with most animals, let alone nature, and I felt emotionally numb when I did quadrobics.

So there's probably a low chance of me actually having a connection to animals, therefore it wouldnt be best for me to identify as a therian. But at the same time, Ive shown the most important criteria of being a therian, such as dreaming, shifting, etc,. Specifically, Ive shifted into a bat (flying fox) in dreams and phantom shifts. This could have some correlation to being a vampirekin in a sort pf eay though, because in the dream I remember I was a vampire.

On the otherhand, Ive always had some connection with supernatural beings and aliens. I think I was around seven when I watched a vampire movie (hotel trannsylvania) and I quickly felt this weird connection with the vampires. I legit wanted to be a vampire, hell I even dreamt of becoming one multiple times (I still do, Ive tried lucid dreaming because of that). The problem was that I didnt have the urge to drink blood, I mean I've tried when I was 12-14 (Im 15 now) and in my edgy phase (so its either I did that because its cool or because it has something to do with my kintype). Idk, my guess is that I could have some non-human dysphoria (since I always wanted sharper canines), maybe a bit of a psychological connection to vampire kintype, and definitely an emotionally connection to vampire kins.

But theres another problem, because I noticed that the vampires that I had an emotional connection to most were only from the castlevania show. I am aware that multiple shows/movies/etc,. can potray vampires in various perspectives but if I only related to vampires from one specifc kind of show, then shouldnt that logically indicate that Im a fictokin? I've kinned multiple characters because I was able to relate to their personalities, backstories, development, etc,. (even though those specifc characters werent created to be relatable)

So my concerns are that;

I dont know if its possible to have multiple other-kin types. I mean it sorta makes sense, since there can be gray areas in a black and white concepts but still lmao-

Also, if my idenity as a therian and otherkin are both valid, Im afraid if I might be considered cringe or delusional. Like I've seen people react to cringe comps with people saying that they're (example): "lesbian, transgender, cat/wolf therian, fictokin" (Im just putting random identities as an example, no bigotry intended) and they did not take that lightly, because apparently those peopke are putting 'too many labels on themselves'. Because of that, Im afraid if I might be one of those people, since I also personally identify as a lot of stuff (trans male, pansexual, potentially otherkin/therian).

I'm not sure if I'm choosing to be a therian/otherkin, since I could be trying to fit myself into a specific community due to social isolation (which Ive struggled with my entire life). Im also scared if my identity could be a phase too tbh.

Honestly any advice is appreciated, I would also definitely like to know how yall figured out that you were non-humans <3

#vampirekin #therian community #therian culture #therian #species dysphoria #otherkin #fictokin #otherkin community

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sassykinzonline · 1 month

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who loved who first? when do you think you each fell in love?

im...not sure actually. it's like asking, "when did you know the sky was blue?" i'll try to sort it out.

he was attracted to me first. that much is obvious given the longing stares and bed time fantasies of his. i was aware of him, and i was curious, but at the same time i was afraid of what i thought my family would think so i didn't really let it go there.

there's a conversation in the itachi light novels that is pretty similar to an actual one i had with my brother. basically one day, super randomly, he asked me what i though of naruto and i said i dont have any special feelings but i think he doesn't like me. my brother asked why and i said because hes always yelling at me and trying to make me mad, so i just ignore him like everyone else who follows me around for no good reason. my brother asked me, "what if he has a good reason?" and then just walked off like a dickhead. but from that point on i tried to avoid naruto less and pay attention to what he was saying to me. i realized that he antagonizes people because he wants their attention and doesn't know how to get it, and the stuff he says to me were backhanded compliments and essentially invitations to train. so i started indulging him from time to time because it was fun and it made me feel good about myself.

then my family died and all of a sudden i realized what it was like to both be lonely and want to isolate yourself from everyone around you. on my first day back from school, of course everyone was talking about itachi going batshit and killing my family and how "maybe sasuke will do the same" "yeah hes super weird he never talks to anyone". that was the one day i can remember naruto not saying anything, and i was mad at him because i wanted him to. apparently what i didnt know is he fought with some of the kids who were saying really stupid shit. so that's apparently when i subconsciously knew i felt differently about him.

the day i realized i liked him was the day we kissed, then were put on the same team, then he flopped at trying to kidnap me (wtf was that about?). when i was tied up i realized i wasnt mad, just really happy that this was gonna be my life from now on. that's why when i saw him again i just teased him, and why i lashed out at sakura when she was badmouthing him.

if i try to trace back when the first time i realized i love him was, it was probably orochimaru's hideout. leaving him was painful, but eventually i just went numb. when i saw him again and the first thing he asked me was why didn't i kill him, with that sad and scared face...i thought about the way he cried at the idea of me leaving him and being in danger. i realized he still thought i didnt care for him and that he was weak, and i could tell he was upset at himself and not me. it made me realize how similar we are because that's exactly how i felt when itachi left, but more importantly it made me realize i never wanted him to think i felt that. so i must feel the opposite. that's why i told him i spared his life on a whim instead of just saying the same thing my brother said to me, i didnt want to twist the knife. and i wanted an excuse to hold him so i staged a death threat.

i know around the time itachi came back was when i started contemplating about him more seriously, so i probably "fell in love" when i woke up from the coma i was in and realized he had saved me. but that's also why i was so angry.

onto the easier question: naruto has always loved me but just didnt know how to express it. when i say "express", i dont mean tell me. i mean he didnt know how to show it and he didnt know what it entailed. it was just more platonic for him for a while, then when we were fighting right before i left, i think he realized it might not have been only platonic. this is just my guess because i never asked since i dont really care and i dont think he himself could answer me, but he probably realized it was romantic right after he defeated pain. i know that moment was empty for him. i also heard from him that inari asked about me, and the old guy asked if i left because of some sort of lovers' conflict? but the face he made when he told me that was like he was embarrassed. i dont see why he would be embarrassed unless it was somewhat true for him and he didnt like getting called out as a joke. he probably "fell" in love in haku's ice mirrors because hes a queen like that.

#ask #you already know if you ask me about naruto its gonna get long #i would hope that doesnt bother anyone anymore #sasunaru headcanons #sasuke headcanons #naruto headcanons #sasunaru #sasuke rp

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benitierr · 6 months

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ngl, the last months were hard, and got worse and worse and worse. i see no ending to that downward spirale. i realized, i'm the problem, the burden and just too much, yet not enough. i know the ways of two people may depart at some point, and that's totally normal. But having to go through it with several people within a few weeks.. that can't be a coincidence. And the only common thing to all of them is me. So it had to be me. I am the problem, yet i am still going through all of it every day and night, figuring out which point exactly it was to each of them, where i fucked up beyond repair. all i could do was to withdraw and leave them alone. the fact the majority of them never reached out to me again after i stopped to be the first one to reach out, proved me right. the rest sometimes reached out, but it faded. last time one did, i was surprised, it was silent for a month, and then they reached out to me, but just to ask something work related. few messages back and forth, and now there is this silence again. the past few month were hard, but at the same time i tried to build up my walls again, becoming as numb as possible. to a certain point it worked so far. but, and that's the real shocking part about all of this. It's the conclusion i came to, that i've most probably became, what i never wanted to, and most feared, exactly what my Mom told i am and what i'd become. My whole life my Mom told me i'm just like her, a loner, who doesn't need anybody in their life except myself, cause there is nobody out there i could ever trust. all of them will take advantage of me, will break me, drop me and leave me, so i'm better off without anybody close in my life, just like her. so my whole life i tried to prove her wrong, trusted to fast, got affected to fast and hard, got clingy. not knowing how a healthy relationship in anyway may look like. and now in these months of (self imposed) isolation i had time, too much time, alone with my thoughts and... it seems she was right all along. i'm not even an extra in the movie of my own life. How could i ever think i'd be something more in the life of somebody else? And while i'm writing this, well aware nobody will read, nor care what i wrote, i have some unread messages on my phone, like they want to ultimately prove all my thoughts and conclusions to be right, where i only read the notification so far. theyre from a sibling, i havent heard from in many years... starting with a "Hey lil brother, it's your sis", but followed by a "please answer me, it's about your nephew". Like... both havent spoken to me in years, literally years. didnt try to reach out, both well aware of my phone number and where i live. both being in my "neighborhood" many times the last years, giving a shit about me. and yet i shall jump, answer and act like nothing happened? I hate to admit it, but i've truly become what my Mom predicted my whole life. And i am really, really not ok with this. tl;dr my life is a burning shithole of a nuked ruin, my Mom knew my whole life and i kinda realized it now.

#mental health #lonelly #family drama #i really cant take it anymore #can all of this please end soon?

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dank-rituals · 6 years

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Nothing to see here

Move along

#never go to stuff alone #its been so long and this ache still wont go away #if and when i finally kill myself i think it will be out of guilt #she wasnt just the only one who ever really loved me #i think she was the only one who ever could #and i betrayed her in such horroble ways #and i wanna blame depression and medication and whatever else...but that just feels like a copout #i pushed her away...and i think it was because i wanted so badly to die and thought that might finally push me over?#or was i really just so numb and so isolated that i really didnt realize #the truth is the scariest #i dont wanna be that or this or any of it #i wanna be dead #nobody cares #everyone thinks i shouldve just gotten over it by now #or that im the one who fucked it up so obviouslh this is what i wanted backfiring in my face #of course she met someone who makes her actually happy #someone smart enough to treat her right and better than me so she can be treated the way she deserves #while i lay here thinking myself to death alone watching everyone else around me just effortlessly LIVING #i hate this #im undead without any powers #just waiting to become my mother #or for someone else foolish enough to try to save me #please...please just let this nightmare end...

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flockofdoves · 3 years

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i feel really really weird this week. trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. like its certainly not the first time i’ve felt like this in my life but ive just not had my emotions so . not numbed? in so long or felt like crying totally unprompted or felt vaguely angry at random shit in a certain sort of way (which for something new then makes me feel super guilty because i used to be bad with how i went about anger and i guess i never really fully learned how to practice being normal about it i just started constantly suppressing it along with every other emotion so seeing myself angry about inconsequential shit even if im not acting on it makes me feel awful like people are potentially seeing my reaction to them when its not a justified thing even if i dont think i’m doing anything). like sure those were super normal in past parts of my life. maybe even in the context of my job which i guess i only quit just like 7 months ago now even if i otherwise felt numb through the year before that too. and not something surprising to emerge again bc it has in the past year too but just maybe not so much at once but on top of that just feel a bit paranoid about stuff like people reading my mind or bugs crawling on me (or imagining sensations like that or seeing that or w/e)

i guess in typing all this out when i think about it the one time i felt like this this past half year that i can think of (or at least pretty similar and notable in the way i felt weird minus the anger. actually i didnt feel angry til the past few days so i think thats just at like. being around someone whos made vaguely bigoted comments that i’m affected by but then feeling guilty for reading the worst into unrelated shit bc of that making me feel unsafe) is when my brothers girlfriend visited. and now this past couple weeks she visited and then my uncle visited and then my moms friend visited and in general just theres more invitations to see other people even not staying w us bc everyones vaccinated.

so i guess the biggest factor throughout all of that is like. having to get used to interacting with people that i havent interacted with much in this past over 2 years of being isolated while also simultaneously having my daily routines disrupted by that a bit?? which feels absolutely insane to me that that would have That disproportional of an effect and be something i really did not even know how to attribute at all until typing this out right now. like i really appreciate and have fun with a lot of those people its not bc i dislike them or literally anything like that i think this is just a bit of a deranged unexpected side effect of whatever fucking stage of isolation i’m at where instead of just feeling really stilted in conversation or feeling like i dont know how to normally talk to people or accidentally crying while talking to people or oversharing and being awkward like i have at various times throughout my 2 years and 4 months of isolation when i had brief periods of interacting with people i cared about and/or people around my age again, while sure a lot of that is still somewhat happening (but not the crying in conversation, that was once when i got to see friends from college once literally right before i really realized the pandemic was starting and i couldnt keep visiting after not seeing them for a year before then. i just havent seen any of those friends since) i think its like. not knowing at all how to act normally around people but also not being as used to the people i am newly interacting with while my routines interrupted so whether i want to make a good impression around them in spite of that or am trying to be normal about feeling upset about shit people i dont know well but cant just not be around say or whatever ig it just like. flares up my anxieties about what can tell from what i say or how theey take me and all that leads to intrusive thoughts and paranoia about not just giving off the wrong conversational things but literally people reading my mind and judging me for intrusive thoughts recursive cycle etc and all that just makes me feel exhausted and unsafe and useless and whatever etc and maybe subconsciously is bringing up a lot of reocurring emotional shit i’ve dwelled on but not cried about much at all this past half year idk. plus i’m just stressed about how much i really want to get done before starting to move and go back to school.

makes sense in explaining most of it in typing it out right now but nonetheless dont like that. isolation has had a lot of awful effects on me (literally i know i’m talking to so many other people in the world now with that its nothing special lol. ‘i was doing this for a year prepandemic’ is a stupid thing to emphasize 1 year is horrible enough and it just blends together) and i’ve long been terrified thinking about how it could be affecting me in more unforeseen and/or longterm ways but i think i was thinking i had a general sense of how my trouble with interacting with people again would manifest and i really dont like seeing that like. i literally did not fucking know how to connect my emotions and other shit recently to that til right now. better than not connecting it at all of course but i dont like it feeling so unconnected. in general have been very disconnected from emotions even outside of social interaction type stuff so of course thats something to work on too but idk just scary to realize maybe i dont even know the general shape of how my trouble “reintegrating into society” is gonna look like lol. and while i’m hoping it will feel better (but honestly probably a lot more intense emotions even if positive) with realizing this know i really even more cannot even begin to imagine how seeing people ive been close to in the past again will end up going when i get to that

#cpost

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big-daddy-maddy · 3 years

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my family and i went to go look at christmas lights bc theres a HUGE ASS neighborhood that always goes way over the top and they were like “HEY get in the car” so we did bc we have to and i was sitting in the back with my 11 year old brother and i was asked him if he wanted to hear about the books ive been reading and he was like “yeah sure idc” and i was like cool!! bc my brothers know how happy it makes me when i talk abt books i read and so they humor me (most of the time) so i start talking abt shatter me and how i didnt finish the series bc i got bored of it but its ok bc warnette got together so woohooo thats all i wanted. then my other brother who’s almost 14 starts talking shit or whatever and says something abt how no one wants to listen to me talk abt books and i was like oh ok well i was talking to cody not you and then cody started telling him he was a brat or whatever (yk the usual sibling name calling) and then my dad jumped to the rescue of trey (the 14 yo) saying that we should include him so then i said “well trey started being mean first, cody’s just trying to defend me” and my mom was like “yeah they were perfectly fine until trey started stuff” and so it was this big thing and then eventually it calmed down a bit and cody asked about the other books ive been reading and i told him about six of crows bc i thought he would like that and i started describing kaz and he was like “so hes dark and brooding and misunderstood” and i laughed bc all i told him was that kaz was a 17 yo crime boss who killed people but its ok bc he cant touch people without passing out or vomiting (no the best description of kaz i realize but hes 11 and i thought he’d find it weird). so we laugh bc its funny and my mom says somwthing to my dad abt how we were rubbing it in that trey was being “left out” so i just ignore it and keep talking bc that wasnt what was happening at all i just wanted to talk abt my damn books and cody seemed genuinely interested. then she said to the whole car “why dont we just go home” and i was like why??? and she was like “bc no one is in a good mood and youre leaving your brother out and cody doesnt even want to hear about your stupid books he’s only doing it to get to trey and leave him out and no one cares” so i told her that cody was listening before trey said anything and i just wanted to talk abt them. and then she kept going on about how no one wanted to hear about my books because no one gives a shit and no one cares and no one wants to listen. and then i started crying bc i knew people didnt really care but why was it such a big deal? i never talk about any of my interests with anyone and they are the only ones who i actually feel comfortable talking about this stuff with so why is it such a big deal? i get it no one cares but at least they pretend to, even if they arent listening or i dont make much sense when im talking about them at least im talking. im not in contact with any of my friends rn because my parents took away my phone so i only have my laptop so all i do is sit on tumblr and read books and browse ao3 which sounds amazing and it kind of is but i miss my best friend and driving and hanging out with them and im barely eating bc i dont have an appetite and my meds ran out a while ago so ive been really down lately and i failed my dual enrollment classes bc i just cant seem to do anything (thats why my phone and keys were taken) and i dont blame them for punishing me ik i screwed up but my mom wont look into putting me back into therapy or finding a new psychologist and i just want to be okay again but im isolated and numb but when i try to express an interest in the one thing that makes me feel something i get yelled at and told that no one gives a shit and it just sucks but its okay ill be okay

#personal #sorry for how long this is #run on sentances for days man #if you read this i love you #but probably not lol #i promise my mom isnt mean all the time #idk why she said all that stuff #and then i tried comforting her abt something my dad and brothers said #(she has gestational diabetes and is six and a half months pregnant so she can barely eat any carbs or sugar)#and she acted like we never fough #*fought #n e ways #time to start anoter series to fill the time #ive read shatter me serpent&dove and shadow and bon #bone #what am i even talking abt anymore #whatever #bye bye

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emsartwork · 5 years

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In your Chronix post, you said the fairy has to relive their worst memory to earn it. For the Winx, what would you say their worst memories are for each girl?

Sure!

Bloom: out of a life time of traumatic events bloom’s worst memory is actually her time spent as dark bloom. She thought for sure it would be daphne’s death, or her parent’s disappearance, but those happened when she was a baby and she doesn’t have experiential memory of it. Dark bloom on the other hand.... she lived through that and she, technically, did all of the things dark bloom did and it kills her that she was even capable of that.

Stella: unsurprisingly, her parent’s divorce. Despite the length of time she’s had to deal with it, and the growth she’s made in realizing her parents maybe shouldn’t get back together, Stella deep down still blames herself for their initial break up. She also has a deep fear of being alone due to an isolated childhood and the divorce kick-started Stella’s panic. She had to relive the summer before returning to Alfea(with bloom) when she realized that something was wrong between her parents. Specifically, a day where Radius and Luna had very bad fight that Stella kept trying to fix, only feeling like she was making everything worse and that her parents were splitting because she messed up at Alfea the previous semester.

Flora: (tbh flora is a tough one since we don’t have a lot of info about her childhood) Flora rather suddenly gained a younger sister when her mother remarried. Miele and Flora didn’t get along right away(you know how when you have a younger cousin around all the time and they just follow you around a bunch?) and Flora was already out and about in the forest exploring and didn’t want Miele to slow her down. Unfortunately one time Miele followed Flora and in an attempt to loose her younger sister, Flora (and Miele) went into some dangerous territory and ended up falling down a ravine. Miele hit her head and was in and out of consciousness, but Flora broke her leg pretty badly and couldn’t get them both out of the ravine. She and miele were down there over night and Flora was absolutely petrified that miele would die. Their parents and the local authorities eventually found them and miele was put into a short magically induced coma but came out of it fine. While she doesn’t have to deal with a lot of permanent results from this, Flora is constantly trying to make up for failing as a protector and making sure she never feels that helpless again. This is also why Flora focuses so much on healing/defense magic.

Aisha: Nabu’s death and her following rage. She knew going into getting chronix thats what her worst memory would be and it took her the longest of the winx to come out of the meditative trance. directly after Nabu died, Aisha blamed herself for his death but channeled all of her grief into anger. after she got through the initial, mind numbing rage she fell into a long period of self hatred. While in the trance she went through nabu’s death several times, the first few times she honestly couldn’t do anything besides cry, the next few times she tried to change the outcome. Eventually, she was able to break that cycle and accept that it was NOT her fault and while there might have been things she could have done, she can’t change the past, only learn from it. Chronix She still misses him, and gets periods of anger(at herself and others) around the anniversary but is doing a lot better. (this step forward is partly why she’s able to start dating Nex in season 7)

Musa: Musa thought for sure it would be her mother’s death, and while thats definitely not a pleasant memory, she’s made a ton of growth through out the seasons in regards to that. She was able to choose the waterstars over an illusionary world with her mother, and knows it would be wrong to bring her back with her sirenix wish. Instead, Musa’s worst memory is the fall out after her mother’s death when her father destroyed all of the musical instruments in their house. It’s always scary to have your parents angry and lashing out, but to Musa, his destruction of the instruments was like her dad was killing what was left of her mother and caused some lasting damage to their relationship.

Tecna: Tecna didn’t really have any expectations for what her worst memory was, she’s never been seriously injured, never been possessed, no family problems, no deaths close to her etc. Her worst memory turns out to be the very short time during season 3 where her emotions had been removed. while she didnt have any emotions during this period immediately after i think she would have had something close to a panic attack because even if she doesn’t always register what she feels her emotions were always THERE. It would be like suddenly having your lungs ripped out, you don’t always realize your breathing but you are.

#winx #winxems #chronix #winx 7 #winx hcs #anonymous #askems

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alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

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Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

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prismcaster · 3 years

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The road to recovery is long, and rough. When I first started this journey, I had just found out I was cancer free.

Those words, while great to hear, meant I could relax, and maybe stop worrying so much about whether I would live or die, or whether I’d have to do chemo, or radiation, or whether of not my hair would all fall out.

But, alas, i was wrong.

Yes, that worry did subside, but i would still wonder time and time again if they were sure. No scans were involved, so who knew what was really going on inside of my body.

But it turned out, that those thoughts were the least of my concerns.

You see, as a child, I didn’t exactly have the easiest upbringing. My parents divorced when I was 3, and my mom moved my sister and I to California. From then on, I was a pawn. And i quickly learned how to appease, and hopefully please both sides.

It was hard… they were young, and I don’t know if they truly believed that they were making the best choices or not, but they made those choices all the same.

Those choices led to multiple things happening that truly traumatized me, and left me carrying around pain and agony that took a heavy toll on me for most of my life.

It was after they said “you are cancer free” and i began to relax, that I started to realize just how much damage there was, and I had no idea how to fix it.

I tried… i saw a therapist, I talked about things, and she sympathized with me… and told me how strong i was, and how smart i was, and all sorts of super positive things. But that’s when the real problem became apparent… I didn’t believe her.

I didnt feel worthy of anything good. I had a strained relationship with my mom, no relationship with my father, i had stopped talking to my sisters because I felt so different after cancer, and i imagine they also didn’t know what to say to me anyway. I had my husband, but i kept him at arms length from me because I felt defective, and undeserving of his love. I literally isolated myself, and i didn’t realize I was even doing it at the time.

I spent so much time alone. And time alone, when you feel alone, is a very dangerous thing.

I was so mean to myself. I would even ask people sometimes how they were able to put up with me, leaving room for them to help me tear myself down if they wanted. Usually, they would try and talk me up, but then I would just assume they were saying it to be nice, and doubted every kind thing anyone said. I was a truly honest hot ass mess.

One day, I decided I was going to give myself a bruise. I wanted a big, dark bruise… something painful, something I could poke at and feel, because pain was better than the numbness that I was feeling otherwise.

So, i poked, and poked, and poked some more at various veins, trying desperately to pierce one, and get the bruising I truly desired. When that didnt work, I said “fuck it” and grabbed an exacto knife, and before I knew it, I had a giant gash in my fore arm, and blood running down to my wrist.

At that moment, while watching the blood stream down my arm, I realized I fucked up. I didn’t want to tell anyone, because I was ashamed of myself, and I also didn’t want to admit to the people whom i believed would judge me more for the action I was already punishing myself for, so I cleaned myself up, bandaged it up, and pretended like nothing happened.

But it wasn’t just nothing… it was definitely something. I reopened that wound 5 or 6 times before I finally let it heal all the way. And i dodged questions about where it came from all the time.

Then came the fight.

This fight was probably the worst fight I have ever been apart of, but also the most pivotal fight in my entire life.

As bad as it was, it was over something so simple… laundry.

Then, after i stormed off to sit alone in the dark and cry, my husband came in, sat down, and asked me what was going on. Then i let it all out. Every last detail, from beginning to end.

I cried. He cried. And he promised me he would help me get through it.

So, i went back to my therapist, i figured i had already laid out the ground work for her, i just had to fill her in on the new self harm stuff.

That day, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and from there, my true journey to recovery started, two years after being told I no longer had cancer.

When I got home, i looked up lots of information on PTSD and it made sense. Perfectly. My whole life had been traumatic up to this point, but I had to figure out how to be happy despite that.

I visited a doctor and started anti depressants. When i was given them, i was told I wouldn’t feel much for about two weeks, but honestly, for me, i started to feel the difference in a couple of days.

I told my therapist this, and what i was taking, and she explained to me that my brain must not have been producing seratonin, those wonderful feel good brain chemicals, at all. So, i knew then, i was headed the right way.

Today though, I feel great.

It has been a long and difficult battle, but over the past two years I completely rewrote my life manual, and have worked so hard to change my outlook so that I could get better, and be better.

One thing I can’t say enough, is that self love is really the most important thing. In the words of my idol, Rue Paul, “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?!” Its so true though.

With my self care came a better relationship with my mom, a beautiful relationship with my sisters, the best relationship with my husband, and best of all, I have mostly stopped my negative self talk.

Yea, I find myself being mean to myself sometimes still… but I catch it now. And I stop it.

I am proud of who I am, and how much I have managed to overcome, despite the level of difficulty.

I now know I am worthy of all of these great things, the family, the friends, the positive words, all of it. And i try my hardest to spread that positivity around. I never pass up an opportunity to try and help someone else feel joy. I never pass up the opportunity to pass out compliments. I never let a family member or friend leave my presence without letting them know that I love them. And I do this because I don’t know how any of them are thinking or feeling, and I would hate to ever make them guess if anyone cared about them.

Today I love fully, and give of myself what I can safely, so that I can continue to spread the magic of inner peace around to anyone who needs it.

As I have said before, the road to recovery is hard… but while it was difficult, I am so glad I did it. I wouldn’t change anything now. I am perfect the way I am. Take it or leave it… this is me!

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haectemporasunt · 7 years

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wiratomkinder Shall do!

You have any good dreams lately? haectemporasunt hmm well the desperate gray clown monster this morning

was i telling you about the curse one?

i d have mentioned a play wiratomkinder That wasnt a dream that was an omen wiratomkinder And no u did not! haectemporasunt heheh haectemporasunt well! at this stage i m not sure i ll remember quite as much but

speaking of stephen king and joe hill and my crush on the girl from the ring

one of the things i ve always been into is the idea of kids banding together to defeat a supernatural evil and then later, (usually as teens), they have to go back and deal with it once and for all wiratomkinder Ooooooo haectemporasunt yeah it sounds cool but is kind of embarrassing bc you Know i m self inserting myself as one of those kids

snort ok anyway, this

dream followed that same sort of typical line haectemporasunt there was a play being performed at school and i had some bad presentiment about it, there was something i couldnt remember and i didnt want it performed, but since i cldnt articulate my fears couldnt convince the school to stop the play, nor cld i convince my younger brother not to star in it wiratomkinder Aughh that sounds stress inducing haectemporasunt so i m fiddling w my car and it s raining heavily and i m outside the auditorium, and the radio starts emitting static, and i stop fiddling w the light.... and i can distantly hear one of the play's (it was a musical i guess?) songs starting

and i Remembered haectemporasunt In my dream i just clenched up bc i remembered Her the Bad Thing and i remebered --and the memories were dizzying and made me feel ill, like waves of sickness that hit you inescapably and you know youre gonna vomit but there s no bathroom near wiratomkinder Hooooogh thats strong haectemporasunt when i was in school and my friends and i put on a play, and --i couldnt remember it all, but i rmemebered my friends and i in red coats [apparently doing the play but not in the auditorium, somewhere underground and filled with tree roots], standing around a big hole in stony ground, and stairs leading down , curving around the side into darkness, and i remember holding sheets of musical notes and old books, and i remember us saying things, and something going wrong

and whatever our goal was w our play, we must have gotten it, but we also got Her haectemporasunt you wld think she d have crawled up out of the dark but now

no*

i dont remember how she appeared but it wasnt from below, she was a symptom, not the source wiratomkinder Hooooly shit haectemporasunt and all of this is flashing in my head like how in my head i imagine epilepsy is like, and i m still in my car clutching at the air and whimpering but i m overcome with fear bc i m remembering and it s terrifying bc it means something happened to make me forget

and that s when i realize, firstly, that my friends, the others that performed the play with me in the underground room, most of them were no longer around and i didnt remember why or how but no one else remembered them either, there was just me and one other friend, and we didnt talk anymore,

and secondlly, i realized that it was almost pitch dark in my car even tho it was light outside the window, and the darkness was centered behind me wiratomkinder Jeeeeeeeeez haectemporasunt and you know that slow turn that ppl do in horror movies? and they see the Thing grinning at them? and then they die?

this is the cool part of my dream--or it was cool for me anyway bc , again, i m a sucker for these tropes

bc i imagined that happening, and i could feel Her behind me and i cld hear her teeth

but ... i had dealt with this before even tho i cldnt remember the details, and i knew looking behind me wld be Death

worse than death haectemporasunt bc death ends wiratomkinder hyoley shit haectemporasunt but i d dealt with her so i knew first , she would talk to me. because of our intense history [fuck you max and your fetish for killer undead women], she wld want to play w me a little, so i had an opening where she wldnt kill me outright wiratomkinder GGHFGHFFHH haectemporasunt so i was pretending i was still remembering , and i was slowly moving my hand towards the door handle haectemporasunt and i felt her hair brush against my ear and she whispered "i missed you, max. you have to look at me now"

and i grabbed the door handle and slammed against the car door to get out...but it was locked. wiratomkinder YEEEESH haectemporasunt so,

i have enough time to think, Shit haectemporasunt and then her arms are around my neck and she is twisting me so i will look at her back behind me in the back seat

her hands make me ache

(btw wtf was happening to me that i was feeling this? i can only think it was the tinge of a body part going numb, or i was sleeping on my neck wrong)

but in my hands i now had the , whatchamacallit, the program for jake's play,

and i kept getting flashes of what i wld look like from the outside as i died, but i Knew now that bc the program had words from the play on it, i cld use that paper as a barrier , albeit small , against her

but i had to look at her to hold the paper up against her wiratomkinder hyooooof like fighting a medusa riding a basilisk haectemporasunt hehehe

so i turn around and i m trying to look only at the paper as i shove it hard against her bedraggled ripped up chest as she s scratching at me, but in the corner of my eye i can see her face and it is.... nightmarish

ha, literally wiratomkinder OH NOO haectemporasunt she is grinnig impossibly wide--and her head is so big, it s bigger than her body or that's how it feels--like, it s normal sized, but ,,,,, it feels really close up against you even when she s separated from you by a chair...it s hard to describe but you can feel something is immense and monstrous inside and 'beyond' her

she s bigger than this corpse she s using wiratomkinder Yess like a weird perception thing

Your field of vision zooms tf in haectemporasunt i m nost sure how to describe her face in a way that actuall y evokes the terror

especially when, ha, you cld summarize her homicidal glee as 'Dead and Loving It'

but her face was smashed

like porcelain wiratomkinder Yee gotcha gotcha wiratomkinder Oof haectemporasunt black cracks, red meat, and her eyes were really horrible and big, and her mouth was too wide, inhumanly wide, and cracked too haectemporasunt and she was very happy and furious to see me

we apparently had unfinished business that involved me being brutally broken

and then worst than killed

ha sorry i m taking too long wiratomkinder No ur good!

I wanna know whats up with ms. Corpse bride over here haectemporasunt i pushed the paper aginst her and she was trying to throttle me and she was laughing in this quiet whispery way that was...super creepy bc it was like immense passion whistling out of cracks haectemporasunt and w my free hand i m scrabbling at the door lock, and finally it comes freen but now the paper is basically being sandwiched btw me and Her, we re pressed against each other and that sbad bc she s making me hallucinate that i m already dead and broken , like, i can see that my neck got broken when the car's tires somehow rolled over my neck haectemporasunt (i guess that was a power of hers, remembering deaths and then they become real?)

but the door gets free and i tumble backwards out of the car and slam it shut!!!!! wiratomkinder FREEDOM!!!! haectemporasunt yeah!!! haectemporasunt god it felt so good, id outwitted ( """"outwitted"""") her once again, and she cldnt leave the car for some reason--in waking hours i think, maybe bc it was still daylight even tho rain? or bc it was open sky? but in the dream i just Knew she cldnt follow me . i was safe until i went back indoors

which i wld have to do in order to enter the auditorium and stop the play haectemporasunt but i was remembering this wasnt the first time i d outwitted her! i cld remember dank school corridors and a blue tiled pool and other situations where i d managed to evade her,e ven as she crawled into other people and burst them apart from the inside

knowledge...with knowledge you cld survive against her, but there was something you needed to forget too, and i was starting to remember that too haectemporasunt in fact i cld remember the last time, the time the third to last of our friend group died, and friend (the one i didnt speak to anymore) and i had agreed that we needed to forget wiratomkinder Hyoooooooogh wiratomkinder Tactical amnesia haectemporasunt it was camping, we were desperate and trying to escape the play's consequences (which went beyond Her bc she was a mere symptom rmemeber) , we d made a sacrifice, done a ritual, and we were trying to isolate ourselves, and i remember watching my friend die in that campsite, i cant remember what happened now, i think their tent collapsed, and then something was in the collapsed tent with them, and we cld just see their squirming body and hear this ... sink disposal unit sound

and i nearly died in my tent with Her on top of me, squeezing my throat and slamming me rhythmically with one of the tomes we d used in the play ritual, just smashing me in the face and her horrible smile

and the remaining friend had intervened, and she dug her fingernail under my eye and then she was gone

and that was when we decided we had to forget wiratomkinder Holy shit haectemporasunt sadly that was getting near the end

i remember the auditorium being very red and i remember my brother and his friends looking up as i approached

i remember the terrible importance of what i d chosen to forget

and i dont know what She was except she was partly a Force ie a force of (super)nature and that she d also once been a girl with feelings and perhaps love in her heart haectemporasunt but sadly i cant really remember anything else

just me and my papers trying to convince others not to commit the same mistakes i did i guess? wiratomkinder Holy shit

Thats really somethin!!! haectemporasunt i m kinda sad bc if i were to copy paste this for tumblr to enjoy someone s gonna be like Lol gravity falls forgetting plot

or something wiratomkinder Awww naw i dunno haectemporasunt but i really liked it! and not just bc i felt important and knowledgable wiratomkinder Dreams is dreams they happen as they happen

And hell yeah! That was an adventure!

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noxrynne · 7 years

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i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me” i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need. idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier. no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you) i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that. and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules. but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year. and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked. and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly. i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless. i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*. what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep. the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it). at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying* then in a different school it was just i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place). on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive. friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes). and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t. and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized. from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above. i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like. i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about. i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky. im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else. and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim. and idk i just i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25. or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.

#its just a long rant i felt like i needed to get out

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moriartysgrimmfairytales · 7 years

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Post s4 feelings, and what to do with them

So, it’s been a week or so of hiatus. And I have feelings that I don’t know what to do with. So I decided to put them in a post, to maybe try and work through them. For anyone who cares, read more under the cut (fair warning, it gets long and rambly).

I’ve been holding off on writing this post, writing about how I feel about s4, and TFP in particular. I’m still feeling a bit mindfucked, not only from the TFP, but from series 4 in its entirety. I’ve needed quite a bit of time to work through it all, mostly by talking to others and reading (both positive and negative) reactions and metas.

During the last week, I’ve seen a lot of unreasonable negativity, and even hate, directed both at the episode and the writers. I don’t want to contribute to negativity in any way. That’s not where I’m coming from. I don’t hate this show, or TFP. I don’t feel angry at the writers, and I don’t think they owe me anything. I’m in complete understanding that this is their story and that they’re entirely entitled to take it in whatever direction they want to. I still respect Moffat and Gatiss as writers, and I’m still grateful to them for creating the only show and characters that’s been able to capture my interest to this extent. So sincerely, a big thanks to Mofftiss for making this show.

That being said, series 4, and TFP, has left me feeling bereft, wanting and a bit disillusioned. More surprisingly, I feel more than a little indifferent to it. I was, naively probably, hopeful that this series, and this episode, would finally provide me with some highly anticipated closure, wrapping up of loose threads and resolution of plotlines. It didn’t. It just didn’t give me what I needed as a viewer, and I’m a bit sad about that, for my own sake. The fact that it was loved by others, and provided them with what they needed is great. Well earned after the ride we’ve had.

What I did like about TFP and s4 So, Mofftiss decided they were going to do an “origins” story, showing us how Sherlock became the man he is when we meet him in ASiP, and his journey from a “great” man to a “good” man. That is actually one of the things I like about s4 and the episode; watching Sherlock’s progression from a “great” man to a “good” one. Getting to the stage where he’s finally able to embrace emotions as good and healthy, allowing himself to love, and have a family and friends.

I liked that in the end, it’s his ability to show emotions like compassion and love that’s key to solving the final problem. His newfound understanding of emotional context and insight into Eurus’ emotions is what makes him realize that threatening to shoot himself is the only way to get her to stop her game. The same way his own ability to show her compassion allows him to save John. I also liked that the show gave Eurus, the-villain-who-isn’t-really-a-villain, the best resolution she could get; the attention and love she obviously didn’t have as a child. And I really appreciated that Sherlock is able to give her life some sort of meaning by visiting her and playing the violin with her, now that she is ‘beyond words’.

Outside of Sherlock’s own growth, I enjoyed the new information and the insight we got into Mycroft’s character, a look behind the Iceman façade. And finally, the way the relationship between the Holmes brothers evolved, that was probably my favourite part of the episode, actually.

My problems with TFP On to the problems I have with this episode. Which are many… So while I liked the theme and the underlying message of the episode, I just can’t bring myself to appreciate and accept the wrapping it came in. No matter how much I want to. I feel that TFP kept tossing new plot points at me and didn’t allow me time to connect with the characters. It made the entire episode seem so rushed, so hectic, that most of all it just left me numb and unable to care about it the way I probably should (and I see others do).

First off, I’m not really a big fan of horror movies and dark, psychological thrillers. Which is what this episode feels like for me, most of all. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, TFP and I. From the opening sequence and the set-up of Mycroft, complete with a scary clown and a little girl in pig tails, via the dismissal of TLD’s cliffhanger with a single sentence, to the point where Sherlock, John and Mycroft escaped an explosion unscathed - none of that even resembles any sort of reality I am willing to, or able to, accept. So already within 2 minutes I was shaking my head, frowining and going “wtf am I watching?”

See, I’ve no trouble accepting that this show is larger-than-life and that the characters’ actions and abilities are beyond real life. But I’ve still always thought of it as a form of “heightened reality”, somewhere at least close to what could happen in real life. That was part of the fascination with it, it felt “almost real.” Unfortunately, too much about this episode was too unbelievable, too fantastic, and exceeded my tolerance level for suspension of disbelief (I think maybe I used it all up when I had to accept Mary being faster than a bullet back in T6T…?).

My biggest issue when it comes to suspending dibelief, is that Eurus is made out to be something resembling a comic-book super villain. Her abilities are nearly magic and the Sherrinford facility is practically Azkaban. (The setting is another thing that made me feel disconnected from the show I know and love. I miss London!) That being said, I know that most of the questions my brain keeps hurling at me about improbabilities and plot holes and -developments, can be answered quite simply. What’s happening is possible because Eurus wants it to happen. Because Eurus can make it happen. Because the writers decided that Eurus can do all those things.

I’m just really struggling to feel any sort of attachment to Eurus as a character. To me, the fact that Eurus wasn’t even the lest bit foreshadowed, except for the cryptic “you know what happened to the other one” remark in HLV, made her feel like a random add-on. I couldn’t, and didn’t have time to, relate to her. In making her a full-blown psychotic, who veers between high-functioning enough to sneek out and play dress up with John and Sherlock and breaking down completely as the game comes to an end, it’s hard for me to deal with her like a real person and connect with her on any level.

I think a part of the problem is they didnt’ dedicate enough time to show me how Eurus did what she did. Mind control, manipulation and suggestion are of course real things, I don’t doubt that. But this set-up demands of me to accept that Eurus is so intelligent that she can do all of these things just by a short conversation with someone. And her abilities are so great that she has the whole facility reprogrammed, to the point where not a single person at any time is able to raise the alarm. Moreover, I’m struggling to get a grip on how exactly Eurus got those abilities? And how does a five-six year old girl become so evil that she tortures her brother and kills his best friend? That’s just too close to a horror movie to me.

At least Jim Moriarty’s games always seemed within the realm of human abilities, because we know he spent years and years of his life building a vast criminal empire, making himself the spider at the centre of it, pulling the strings. Eurus apparently climbed out of the womb as an “incandescent, era-defining genious, beyond Newton”, because after being sent away from early childhood, I have to believe they didn’t supply her with access to an education, books, electronical gadgets etc? She’s spent all her life on an isolated prisoner island, her cell stripped, but still she appears to have endless resources. Again; I just have to accept she can use her almost magical, superhuman skills, because she can. I just wish the writers would have helped me along by showing me at least a little of how she does it, instead of just telling me she can.

The suspension of disbelief part aside, I think I would have been able to accept the secret sister scenario as plausible in this larger-than-life universe, if there had been some sort of build-up to the reveal of her existence. Honestly, I need more than a five minute set-up for the the reveal that Sherlock has a secret, forgotten, dangerous, revenge-seeking sister, who is smarter than her brothers combined.

Since we didn’t have any hint of anything amiss until Mycroft’s cryptic “you know what happened to the other one” comment in HLV, I didn’t have any emotional connection to Eurus when she finally showed up right at the end of TLD. And show me a little more of Sherlock’s motional response to finding out his entire personality as a grown up is caused by a childhood trauma, show me a little bit of coming to terms with it before rushing off to Sherrinford. The lack of build up and reaction to the Eurus reveal makes the episode feel rushed. I think if the characters had been allowed to react and respond to the plot, the plot itself would have felt more plausible.

Then there is the attempt to tie Eurus into Jim’s game, or him to her game. That seemed a bit forced to me. Jim was set up from episode 1 as Sherlock’s arch-nemesis (as he also is in ACD canon), and killing him off already at the end of s2 never made sense to me. I think the writers always planned for him to die in TRF, but then realized too late they should have saved it for later. So now Eurus feels like an attempt to fill in the gap he left behind. And it might even have worked, if there had been at least a few hints of a presence even bigger than Jim from the beginning.

But there were no hints of foreshadowing. And to me, the way they retconned Eurus into Jim’s story only amounted to diminish the best baddie they ever created on this show. And the way they did it, they turned him into something of a bizarre fun house effect? I love the beach scene and his combination of power play, not having any fucks to give and amusing himself – but I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to watch those pre-recorded messages without physically cringing. (With the exception of the last one: “Holmes killing Holmes. This is where I get off.” That one works, because it’s a genuine message to Sherlock.) Those messages seemed too cartoonish, too random, and drew my attention away from what were supposed to be tense situations of life and death. The real drama came from what was going on in whatever room they were in, not from Jim’s “tick tick tick”s or “choo choo”s. They weren’t even directly linked to the tasks Eurus set. I’ll never understand why the writers felt this was a good way to go. But hey, that’s just me.

After this episode finally laid to rest the question of whether Jim’s dead or not, it feels like his character has been continually used as a plot device for future episodes. The writers have included him to tease the audience that they may bring him back, and to use people’s interest in him, without actually having any intention of brining him back. Ever since they killed him off in s2, they’ve tried to fill in the gap with villains that Sherlock every time claims to be even worse and more scary than the last. The problem is, I don’t have any of the emotional connection to them, nothing to make them as interesting as he was? To play around with the idea that maybe he’s not dead after all, keeping him in the story in various ways, only to confirm that yes, he’s been dead for real all along…? I was confused and saddened by how they chose to solve this plotline.

I think the retcon they chose to go with for TFP lessens Jim’s impact and importance. In some ways, I’d actually rather they’d left him out of TFP completely. I mean, they’ve even said in interviews “…it only occured to us late on that we could do that.” So it was clearly not a part of a grand plan from the beginning. And now they’ve tampered with my ability to enjoy my favourite episode. Whenever they’re on that rooftop, I’ll be thinking of the fact that in some near past, Jim’s been at Sherrinford, talking to Eurus for five minutes, recorded some weird video messages for her and set in motion a whole other game. It just somehow diminishes the effect of that scene for me. I’m gutted about that.

I know most of the big names in the fandom feel like it’s the best thing for Jim, and for the story, that he’s dead. I partly agree, and partly don’t. Because yes, Jim was always sad, desolate and lonely, and probably didn’t intend to live to reach old age. But on a very personal note for me, I want to and need to believe that even for Jim Moriarty there are things in life that make his pain bearable, things that are valuable enough to go on. I’m of course talking about his connection with Sherlock. I want Jim Moriarty to have some human closeness in his life (I won’t go on and on, I already did that in excess in another post). If anyone thinks holding this view means I’m doing Jim Moriarty and his arc a gross injustice, or that I don’t understand him at all, go ahead. I respect other people’s right to interpret his character and his motivations the way they see fit, and I’ll allow myself to interpret him the way I do.

Okay, moving on from Jim (oh, how I wish that was truly possible…) The murder rooms scenario, the game Eurus sets up for her brothers and John. I just can’t (not on first viewing, not on second or third) get emotionally attached to it. At no point since the girl on the plane was introduced did I ever think she would survive (and haha, clever plot twist, turned out she wasn’t even real), and to be honest I couldn’t even care much about what happend to her, no more than I could care about the three Garridebs brothers being dropped into the water.

To me, Sherlock, John and Mycroft all seem too willing to just accept the rules of the game. That just doesn’t sit right with me, given how straight from the beginning it’s clear that Eurus won’t follow the rules of her own game. For god’s sake Sherlock, didn’t you learn anything on that rooftop? Villains don’t play by the rules. And Mycroft at least, who’s very aware of Eurus’ abilities when it comes to playing mind games, should have suspected that the girl on the plane was fake. But he didn’t, and so the three of them moved through the rooms as ordered by Eurus. The problem is, I didn’t really feel too worried about the outcome. The only scenario I felt slightly emotional about, was the one with Molly. Brilliant acting by Loo.

So by the time they get to the last room, the “Holmes killing Holmes” scenario, my brain couldn’t stop screaming at me that they should all know that they have no real reason to keep playing Eurus’ game. I kept waiting for Sherlock and Mycroft to at least try to use their “deduction thing” to figuring out a way to get all of them out of the situation alive. There was literally not a single cell in my body believing Sherlock would kill anyone in that room. That lack of emotion got in the way of fully appreciating Mycroft’s heartrendering sacrifice, his efforts to minimize Sherlock’s pain in making an impossible choice. I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel by this point in the story. And the fact that it’s set on a dysmal, isolated prison island also kept it from feeling real. I missed the backdrop of London, the presence of the other characters I’ve grown to care about in this final showdown.

Summing up, I just didn’t feel the sort of connetction to the events unfolding or even to the characters that I should have. I had trouble accepting the premise, the plot developements and the characters’ (lack of) reactions in this episode. I wish I could say otherwise, and I hope that it might change in time.

My problem with the show after s4 To me, the foundation of the series as a whole is starting to crumble after wathcing s4. After three series where they never really resolved plotlines, they’re still doing it. They’re still not giving me any of the answers I want. I get that this is a convenient way for the the writers to move on quickly, rather than spend time on resolving problems and half-told stories from earlier. It’s just that it doesn’t really work for me as a viewer. I am too attached to stories told, characters loved to just breeze by them and move on.

There are still plotlines left hanging up in the air, half-explained, or that are dismissed and solved in ways that feel cheap. How was the scheme on the rooftop in TRF carried out, what happened to Jim’s body, what was Mycroft’s role in what happened, the circumstances around Sherlock’s return, how did he fake his own death, the too easy resolution of how he gets off after killing someone, his ability to just shake his drug habit whenever he sees fit, the reasons behind Mary shooting Sherlock, Mary’s death, John’s cheating, the connection between Eurus and CS, Eurus’ goal in playing dress-up with Sherlock and John, and finally the whole Victor Trevor thing… I feel like I’m forced to accept that they’ll keep throwing new plotlines at me, more fantastic than the last ones, to make me forget about the ones that still aren’t resolved or don’t make sense. That leaves me more than a little bit disappointed and exhausted. The more plotlines they toss up in the air, the faster they just keep pushing forward without resolving things, the more disconnected I feel.

The difference from before s4, is that I used to firmly believed the show would eventually address the unresolved plotlines and give me some resolution. S4 and TFP finally drove home the message for me. No, the writers aren’t going to wrap up thing’s I’ve been wondering about for so long. That’s not how they want to write this show, and I’m just going to have to make do with those half-explanations (if even that) I’ve been given and move on to the new plotlines. I know the writers can’t hold my hand every step of the way and that I have to fill in some of the blanks myself. It’s just that some of the leaps I have to make to move on feel too great. Mofftiss keeps setting up complex, tense, interesting situations, and then ends up doing nothing with them. As the writers seem a lot more interested in the next big plot-twist or rug pull, my emotional attachment doesn’t pay off in the end.

So here we are, at the end of the road. Who knows if there will be a s5? My biggest problem is that at this point I’m not even sure I care if there is a s5 anymore. I’m still struggling to reconcile myself to my post s4 feelings. I’m a little worried that what I’m feeling most of all is indiffenrence. (She says, with a straight face, after writing a thesis). But I’m wondering, if this may in fact be where I get off. In loving memory of my beloved show. My beloved Mary. My beloved Jim.

Time will show, I guess. In either case, I’m grateful to Mofftiss for creating this show. I enjoyed the ride for as long as it lasted.

#wow this is a whole lot or rambling #trying to work through my issues with TFP and s4 #dont' know if I succeded at all #Sherlock #s4 #tfp #Jim Moriarty

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benjaminsmith1999 · 4 years

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Opinion Series

Benjamin Smith

English 2010

Fish Burton

Opinion Series

Opinion 1: “Movies negatively impact people, societies, and cultures”

Well I’m glad that we only need to provide 3 different types of opinions for this assignment, my overall first opinion is that movie genres have the ability to negatively impact individuals lives. But I also agree that genres and movies can positively influence someone to be better, but I will get to that later on. So, my first opinion for this assignment is that movies have the ability to negatively impact cultures, people, and societies. Now I believe that this opinion can be taken many different ways. The first way I would like to take this, is how individuals views change after they have seen a politically influenced movie. I believe that big times movies, with big name actors can sometimes act as a form of propaganda. For example, “The Star Wars Trilogy” is a great example of propaganda, the Star Wars creator George Lucas has even said so, in a statement in 1973 he said, “empire going after a small group of freedom fighters” (1). So, to an extent this goes to prove a pivotal point, movies and their producers can overreach and step out of bounds and in a way have a negative impact on people. And I’d like to give my opinion on this specific point, I believe that whether or not the individual who puts together this specific propaganda is intending for backlash, he can’t control the actions of those who do decide to go out and act in a negative way. So, in my opinion I believe that when propaganda is presented through media or film, regardless of whoever produced it, that individuals has little to no ability to control what will happen, and sometimes it’s very negative and can cause worse than good. So, in that light I do understand why people have the opinion that movies negatively impact people.

Now, to the more physical issues that can be caused by movies, studies have shown that someone who spends more than 4 hours a week watching movies or tv shows is less likely to work out or get some physical exercise during that 7-day period. There was another article I read that argued, “People tend to build “fake” relationships” (2) in order to show knowledge to expound on what they have most recently learned in a Tv series or movie. Now as I think about that fact it doesn’t seem to be a big issue, but it could feed to the more serious social issue of Fake people, and if you ask me that is a problem we need to solve, but that’s another topic for another day. But continuing on, some personal experience, I have some friends who are more on the heavier side, and I remember all throughout high school they would spend a majority of their weekends sitting at home watching movies, and snacking. And as you build bad habits like that, they are eventually hard to kick. And aside from the effects that being a couch potato had their hearts and bodies, they were socially isolating themselves from us, even before it was cool thing to do.

An article I read, covered some of the more dramatic psychological effects that violent films can have on the younger population. The list went as follows,

1. Imitation of Violence,

2. Increased Violent Behavior

3. An Exaggerated Feeling of Insecurity

And lastly…

4. A Seared Conscious

(3)

As I reflected on those 4 effects that some films can have, I realized that I had been of victim (or beneficiary, depends on how you look at it) of all of those. And obviously those are 4 issues we could all do without; life is already very hard so we could do without those 4. It makes you wonder if some of the societal plagues we have today like depression, or mass violence, or overall numbness to rules or following guidelines could be linked back to violent films or media.

Opinion 2: “Some crowd favorite movies, aren’t real cinema”

There has been this stigma for a long time now, that superhero movies, and more specifically even marvel movies are not cinema. In my opinion I don’t really think that this is true, but I would like to entertain this thought and continue to dive deeper and see what the argument is to defend this claim.

In defense of this claim, Martin Scorsese, who has been a constant critic of the legitimacy of these heroic blockbusters that control our societies at times. It has been argued that these superhero movies, are “theme park rides in movie form” (4). Scorsese, the man with the explosive comments, has arguably directed some of the best times, some examples are “Goodfellas”, “The Wolf of Wall Street”, “Gangs of New York”, “Taxi Driver” and many more films. As I reflect and compare these films with the MCU universe, there is an obvious difference between the two. I would say the acting, and story lines found in Scorsese films are some of the best, and that’s the reason why some of his films are regarded as timeless classics, and the hardware to speak for their greatness. But back to what I was saying, I do understand why Scorsese would say what he did, because I feel like the lack of character building and even acting in some places is made up with special effects and CGI. And it makes you wonder, what would the “Superhero” movies be like if they didn’t have the special effects. It’s been argued that this is a generational effect, with Scorsese being 77 years old. But he expressed why he felt this why, and it seems to be a lot more intimate. He said, “In many places around this country and around the world, franchise films are now your primary choice if you want to see something on the big screen” (5). He continued on to say, “Studios have changed their mindset to just want more movies in that mold instead of taking chances on more intimate films, and that worries me as a film maker who loathes repeating himself” (5). And when you look at it like that, I have to agree, it almost seems that it’s a leap year when there is a new original film that comes out.

Another critically acclaimed director came to the support of Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola, director of “The Godfather trilogy” called the MCU franchise “despicable”(6), which in my opinion is very aggressive wording, but it makes you think, are they on to something. But at the end of the day, I think it’s hard to say one way or another, it’s based off the viewer, and what their interest are. But luckily in my opinion these marvel/ superhero movies, from what I have observed don’t have much of an effect negatively, if anything it instills hope and excitement in the viewers of those who attend these worldwide blockbusters.

3rd Opinion: “Movies positively impact people’s lives”

I would say this is arguably the overall opinion of most people, “Movies positively impact people’s lives.” I think about the movies I have viewed in the last 5 months (which has been a lot with quarantine being the new norm) but they have been nothing short of inspiring, exciting, adventurous, and hope instilling. I would have to say, a movie that has brought me to tears in the last two months, was the film, “Just Mercy” which is a true story about the inequality of our justice system in the early 80’s, towards the African American population, here in our country. But I thought about experience, and in my opinion that is part of the human experience to feel different emotions. And I believe that inspirational and moving films can assist us in that specific portion of our life experience.

In an article that was published a few years back, it put together all the positive impacts that films, and genres have. It gave an expanded list of examples…

1. “Films can expand our knowledge of history and culture”

2. “Movies can advertise different positive products”

3. “They can effect and. Help the economy grow and prosper”

4. “Perhaps the most influential ways in which films affect society is through giving individual people the opportunity to fantasize and inspire them about who they want to be”

(7)

Researchers have shown that there are many positive effects that films can generate, some of the more physical effects that these movies can have, are

1. “Comedies, help lower your blood pressure” (8)

2. “If you don’t have a history of depression or anxiety, sad films can leave you feeling grateful for your loved ones” (8)

3. “Watching movies can generate emotional release, which can eventually lead to an individual being more open, and willing to speak about their emotions” (9)

Another benefit and positive impact films can have on an individual are taking stories from the past, and the lessons learned and applying them to our own lives.

“Watching movies can help us make sense of our own lives. For thousands of years, knowledge and wisdom have been passed down through the art of storytelling. Stories offer us different perspectives and help us understand and make sense of the world. And movies are stories.” (9)

So, to this point, it seems to me that the positive impressions that movies leave behind outweigh the negative impacts that are felt. It seems that it can affect almost every stage and aspect of life. Movies boost the economy, they give thousands of people’s jobs, movies inspire and lift up the oppressed, they can affect our mental and physical health in many ways, they show us that there is a better way to live and inspire others. In short, I believe they leave nearly everyone hoping for a better tomorrow, and excited to act in a new way that may cause that day to come sooner. And to me, I believe that is the true reason we are here, to experience life, be inspired, become greater and to create a better tomorrow for us and those who will come after us.

Sources:

1. https://www.msn.com/en-nz/entertainment/entertainmentmovies/movies-you-probably-didnt-realize-were-propaganda/ss-AAG8tKG#image=7

2. https://www.language-exchanges.org/writing/how-movies-or-television-influence-peoples-behavior-use-reasons-and-specific-examples\

3. https://www.thoughtsonlifeandlove.com/negative-effects-of-movies-on-children/

4. https://www.indiewire.com/2019/10/scorsese-marvel-movies-vs-cinema-debate-1202183984/

5. https://www.vox.com/2019/11/8/20950451/martin-scorsese-marvel-movies-cinema-feige

6. https://www.theguardian.com/film/2019/oct/21/francis-ford-coppola-scorsese-was-being-kind-marvel-movies-are-despicable

7. https://www.ourmovielife.com/2017/01/15/how-do-movies-affect-society/

8. https://www.pajiba.com/seriously_random_lists/5-scientific-ways-watching-movies-effects-you.php

9. https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-watching-movies-can-benefit-our-mental-health/

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