Well as much as you can in the quarantined/pandemic world we have been living in recently.
It wasn’t exactly massivly shocking, we’ve been on and off for a good while and since I started my PG I was trying to figure out if it was something that could work. And it’s kind of complicated, of course it is, has anyone ever got back with an ex after being on the verge more than once in the past few years, and not had a complicated element to it?
He’s a lot more laid back about it than me, is more of a mindset that we should just forget whatevere’s happened in the past and just start again. I’m not sure if I can do that. Not because I wan’t to bring negative emotions or events from the past into this now because I absolutely don’t, but I also can’t not know that we’ve hit some roadbloacks in the past, or that there’s been occasions where we’ve both made some kind of dick moves. I actually really want this to work though. And that thought doesn’t make me nervous at alllll…
It’s a strange one, because we’re not different people from the first time round, we’re both still just as geeky and straight up with eachother. We have enough in common to make in depth sarcastic comments about things, but enough differences to keep things interesting He’s insanley physically capable (and I am not) where as I tend to stick more to education and academics. Which is kind of an unfair balance because even with all the wonders of this universe, there’s not a chance I could do what he does, but he’s got a phenomenal memory and could probably memorise everything on my course needed to pass…However, we’re not the same couple we were first time round, and rightly so I suppose because I’m sure as hell not 19 anymore and there’s been some hurt on both sides since. And honestly, when we dated that first time round, I was the one to hurt him and he didn’t deserve the way I went about things. I can’t say there hasn’t been any moment across the past few years where he’s caused that really crappy ache in my chest, because there has been. But those things are in the past now.
I have got better with certain things over the years, but I’m still trying to make a conscious effort to carry on improving. The first time round, I was pretty awful at expressing what I was feeling and I think a big part of that was that no one had ever made me feel like he did before and I was unable and quite honestly a little unwilling to say the things inside my head. He never pushed me though, always reassured me that he got it and I think he was kind of extra obvious with what he felt, like he was trying to reassure me that it was okay to admit those things. It always made it really easy to know what he was thinking and I’m finding that harder now. It’s a bit like I’ve gone from being; Totally reserved to articulate what I was feeling, To verbalising that yes it was something I wanted, but not knowing if it was (for lack of a better word) viable, To being totally invested and wanting to figure this out but feeling like I’m being…needy and that is just kind of blaa to me
I think one of the reason’s I’m finding it strange is because the future looks kind of complicated, I think right now things could work, but our lives are so different I am worried about how long we’ll be able to balance them but I want him, I want this and I think the fact that I’m making this a physical thing instead of it just going on in my head, means that it’s something it hasn’t been when we’ve been on the verge of things before.
We kind of seem to have a bit of an inability to stay out of eachothers lives, always gravitating back, I hope that’s a good thing, because I want it to be