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#personal life

So I’m revisiting a ton of music, movies, and TV shows from my childhood and high school years as a quarantine hobby and I noticed a recurring trend; I was a HUGE eighties-head back in the day. 

Well…I still am, but it was a lot more prevalent back then. What led me to this realization:

1) I remembered that I had the biggest crushes on Heathers-era Winona Ryder and Princess Leia. In addition, I had the hots for the main female models in Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again”, Ratt’s “Round and Round”, and Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher”. Fun fact, when I was reading Game of Thrones for the first time, I imagined Daenerys as the silver-haired model from the Round and Round music video.

2) “Like a Prayer” by Madonna is an absolute banger and Madonna’s best song. But the music video is just…oof. 

3) Aliens (1986) was my favorite sci-fi movie back in high school. And…it actually still is my favorite sci-fi movie. 

4) I was a HUGE zombie nerd back in the day and I owe that to George A. Romero’s “Day of the Dead”. I think that was the first zombie movie I had ever seen. It’s still a great movie. 

5) Going back to music, pretty much a majority of the music I listened to when I was younger was from the 1980s. Guns n’ Roses, AC/DC, Van Halen, the Police, Madonna, thrash-era Metallica, Starship, Prince, Michael Jackson and so on. Going through the 1980s music playlist on Youtube was just a nostalgia trip, I pretty much knew every song on the playlist and could sing along to each one. 

6) Movies that really brought out the childhood/high school nostalgia: The Blob, The Thing, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, The Terminator, Predator, Aliens, Day of the Dead, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Back to the Future, The Princess Bride  

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So, now that I finally found my footing again, in a mental and emotional sense of things, after that terrible experience involving a controling and abusive partner earlier year, it’s time to get back to the dating game bullshit or whatever you want to call it.

Honestly, it’s been super frustrating so far and none of my attempts have bore any fruit so far. Well except for the occasional gay guy who pops up, sees that I’m Bisexual, ignores the fact that that I’m also Bigender and am female some of the time, and refuses to take no for an answer, and refuses to listen to the various reasons why I’m not interested in dating them. 

I’m thinking about taking my account on OkCupid off hiatus and try again on there, though that will take some time and effort, as I need to fix some of the information on there and fill in some much needed details along the way.

I also joined a few dating groups on Facebook, some specifically for the blind and disabled in general, some for Heathens, some for Pagans, etc. Nope, no dice so far.

I know things will happen when they happen. I’m not new to this by any strech of the imagination, or to use an old phrase, this isn’t my first rodeo. Still, it can be frustrating as hell sometimes.

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I literally have no brain when it comes to puzzles.

My brother hid my Pocky from me and put it on the laptop on top of my bookshelf. He gave me hints like “It’s on my lap, but it’s up top” and “Go do your schoolwork.”

Me, the most forgetful person ever, spent 20 minutes looking for my Pocky. I forgot the laptop was a thing. So, my brother just kept repeating both hints over and over, and it took me like 10 minutes to connect the laptop hint. All the while me and him were laughing at my non-existent brain.

The only reason I managed to find my Pocky was because I saw the cord of the laptop on the shelf out of the corner of my eye. After I spot it, I start walking towards it and I’m all “ Wait. Wait a minute. You wouldn’t…would you?”

He put them smack dab on the middle of the laptop. And it took me 20 minutes to find them, all the while both of us were dying of laughter from my cluelessness.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m horrible with puzzles.

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Is anyone else just… Tired?

Like I’m tired of feeling like I have done so much and much more only to be given nothing in return. I could go down a list of everything that seems overwhelming and that I should have paid my dues on but like I don’t see what it has given me in return.

I went two college twice basically because my first school literally told me that even though I passed all my classes the state doesn’t recognize that I graduated because I can’t pass a test. I am thousands of dollars in debt, spent thousands to pass a test just to barely miss by a couple points, and now going to a different school just to get a degree that I already should have, so cute more debt because I barely have a week enough job to survive.

Speaking of jobs. The job I have I work 40 hours a week but I am consider part time all because they managed to find a system of marking my hours as 7.5 instead of 8. But the 30 minute of break is not existent for the job I have so it’s laughable that I am expected to do the same amount of work as a full time worker but still only consider part time. So no benefits for me.

Going on benefits I can’t see a doctor of any kind unless I want to go with out a two-three weeks pay check. Which I need to pay my bills.

Bills are a never ending thing in my house. I had to take over them because instead of being on top of them like my mom should be I was being charged 4-5 times than I could afford because they were always late. That and my brother was not helping at all and neither was my mom because she claims she doesn’t have the money. So it all fell on me. Btw I also helped her out multiple times by giving her money but found out she just went out to eat with the money I gave her. 

What else fell on me was keeping the house clean. That means working 40 hours a day, needing to complete 4-6 hours of homework (because yay college), coming home, take care of the pets ( none of which I actually own, don’t hate the pets just wish the owners took care of them instead). Cleaning the kitchen full of dishes since no one can be bother to clean their own. Sweeping/ mopping the floors. Dusting which by the end I can’t breath because of allergies. Doing the lawn and other outside work since my brother can’t be bother to do it since he works outside all day. My mom doesn’t help either with household chores because she also works all day. I have my boyfriend coming over on his day off to help which kills me because the house always looks like nothing is ever done.

Then btw he may not even be my boyfriend because according to him he does not want to date or be tied down. Yet… We do everything a couple does. And yes I mean everything including things that happen in the bedroom. Like we do couple things to the point he knows my financial situations and I clearly can’t hide anything from him. Like if I go to McDonald’s after work because I am hungry and I honest to God can not go through the motions of cooking. He knows and berates me saying it’s the reason why I am not losing weight. Oh and I always have to catch myself if I call him my boyfriend because he freaks out. But he clearly tells me he loves me and why. Why he won’t give up on me and I shouldn’t either.

Yet I do so much and if I fall behind on even one little thing not only does he scowl me like a little child but so does my family. Hell even I am doing it to myself. So to say the least… I’m tired…

So very tired.

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Sorry I haven’t been posting as much or it’s been anxiety depression related and I’m sorry I’ve been bad at responding or unresponsive. I feel like I’m being a bad friend; I’m not ignoring any of you, but I’m going through a lot of physical and mental stuff right now. I’m exhausted all the time, so I’m trying to focus on getting better, even though it seems to be backfiring so far.

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Hiii 🔈

So.. I have a weird request for this place 🤡

I am currently doing an experiment for my masters thesis, and we are really behind due to having to switch to online study for obvious reasons. Now I have to take some unusual routes to get participants to make sure I can graduate 🙈

Does anyone want to take part in my study? It’s about eyewitness identification and will be 10-20 minutes. It’s within psychology, but there’s nothing scary, i.e no difficult questions about yourself or the like. It’s watching a video and do a task afterwards. It’s in english. It’s weird to say this, but we are searching for caucasian participants (for scientific purposes I promise!)

Please send me a message if you want to join! Maybe you have a study you need help with too?

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Hey everyone, just so you know, I’m having a pretty rough time right now, and I might not be updating quite as frequently. I found out recently that my family dog has to be put down (she’s in really bad shape and there’s nothing else we can do). I don’t mean to bring you all down, but if I don’t update quite as much, that’s why.

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I feel like scored glass. One more touch and I’ll come apart at the seams.

I’ve never had a flashback to past trauma before. I’ve never had a panic attack before. I don’t want to experience either one again so I’m fighting back this time.

I should call my psychiatrist.

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Get my live together

While I’m get back on track I’ll try to get my live back together. The Quarantine ripped all m routines and i want to change that. I’m gonna set an alarm at 9 or 10 am and the first things i wanna do are drink about 500ml and do some sport.

I realize how this routine is missing and i need it back. But I’m gonna start slowly cause getting back on track is hard enough.

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My friend: I think life’s just throwing you some negative hard balls tryin to see what your made of.

My response: ain’t that the truth!! And yet I would like nothing more than to return these said “hard balls” back at life!!! >:

For reals, lately it feels like life is throwing me hard balls testing my metal and it’s getting annoying. I honestly feel like any attempt I make at having a positive life or *try* to make my life positive. Life gets wind of it and without warning screams “BATTER UP!!” mid hard ball throw.

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Someone’s been putting their bins in ours for weeks now (one week it was a ripped bag of chicken bones and rice which went everywhere) and I finally saw him do it but from the angle of my window I didn’t see the house he went back to. There’s this girl opposite that sits in her room looking out the window every day so she saw him. I started miming to ask which house and she just looks away from me. Girl, do me a solid and help me out because this dude is taking the piss now!

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It’s finals week and my formerly in person class is online and my teacher hasn’t graded shit for over two months so I have no idea what my near final grades are, no idea whether I did them right or wrong because no feedback, and if I fail how the fuck can I get blamed for it? Plus for the few she did grade, she wants her assignments done exactly right so there’s no room for error without getting screwed.

Look at this nonsense


This isn’t the full page of ungraded assignments mind you. If your teacher does this, this is bullshit. The one grade actually listed is from a quiz that automatically puts it in the system once you are done. The teacher didn’t grade that one. This isn’t how you teach. Why are you a teacher when you wait until the end of the semester and then go “oh you did this wrong.” I don’t learn anything by doing this. Since there’s no feedback with proper grading, I did every assignment to the best the directions gave me and hope I did it right. If I fucking did it wrong, there’s no one to blame but you.

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it is the rainiest of mondays and for victoria day, that’s prob for the best to keep people inside. I have made a run for supplies and am hunkering down at my parents for likely another 3-4 weeks and idk, it’s giving me some sad feels because it’s good to be here, but it’s a very definitive normalcy is not it.

also, missed wip check in, but taking stock, this is currently what’s in my folder and I want to work on in the next few weeks:

  1. last chapter of no regrets to edit and post
  2. two roswell big bangs
  3. fic for christi
  4. fic for tove
  6. red white and royal blue future thing
  7. app for an rp for alex
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Okay. Had a bit of a health scare and I went to the hospital and everything. Turns out I had a weird kind of vertigo but I got some meds and now I’m good. Thanks for asking though, you’re so sweet!!!!!!!

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Well as much as you can in the quarantined/pandemic world we have been living in recently.

It wasn’t exactly massivly shocking, we’ve been on and off for a good while and since I started my PG I was trying to figure out if it was something that could work. And it’s kind of complicated, of course it is, has anyone ever got back with an ex after being on the verge more than once in the past few years, and not had a complicated element to it?

He’s a lot more laid back about it than me, is more of a mindset that we should just forget whatevere’s happened in the past and just start again. I’m not sure if I can do that. Not because I wan’t to bring negative emotions or events from the past into this now because I absolutely don’t, but I also can’t not know that we’ve hit some roadbloacks in the past, or that there’s been occasions where we’ve both made some kind of dick moves. I actually really want this to work though. And that thought doesn’t make me nervous at alllll…

It’s a strange one, because we’re not different people from the first time round, we’re both still just as geeky and straight up with eachother. We have enough in common to make in depth sarcastic comments about things, but enough differences to keep things interesting He’s insanley physically capable (and I am not) where as I tend to stick more to education and academics. Which is kind of an unfair balance because even with all the wonders of this universe, there’s not a chance I could do what he does, but he’s got a phenomenal memory and could probably memorise everything on my course needed to pass…However, we’re not the same couple we were first time round, and rightly so I suppose because I’m sure as hell not 19 anymore and there’s been some hurt on both sides since. And honestly, when we dated that first time round, I was the one to hurt him and he didn’t deserve the way I went about things. I can’t say there hasn’t been any moment across the past few years where he’s caused that really crappy ache in my chest, because there has been. But those things are in the past now.

I have got better with certain things over the years, but I’m still trying to make a conscious effort to carry on improving. The first time round, I was pretty awful at expressing what I was feeling and I think a big part of that was that no one had ever made me feel like he did before and I was unable and quite honestly a little unwilling to say the things inside my head. He never pushed me though, always reassured me that he got it and I think he was kind of extra obvious with what he felt, like he was trying to reassure me that it was okay to admit those things. It always made it really easy to know what he was thinking and I’m finding that harder now. It’s a bit like I’ve gone from being; Totally reserved to articulate what I was feeling, To verbalising that yes it was something I wanted, but not knowing if it was (for lack of a better word) viable, To being totally invested and wanting to figure this out but feeling like I’m being…needy and that is just kind of blaa to me

I think one of the reason’s I’m finding it strange is because the future looks kind of complicated, I think right now things could work, but our lives are so different I am worried about how long we’ll be able to balance them but I want him, I want this and I think the fact that I’m making this a physical thing instead of it just going on in my head, means that it’s something it hasn’t been when we’ve been on the verge of things before.

We kind of seem to have a bit of an inability to stay out of eachothers lives, always gravitating back, I hope that’s a good thing, because I want it to be

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