#phd bleh
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sent an email about this one thing yesterday and no answer lol
which kinda sucks because I NEED THOSE FOUR CREDITS
#talking to myself#i should probably be worried about this but im just bleh#this phd program is not worth the headache
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#guess whos back in therapy bby 😎#the lady i saw was nice. 1st appointments r always a lotta blah blah blah so much to cover#and im always like bleh whatever im not that bad but when u put it all down on paper it is sorta a lot lol#i got the comment. hm u seem to kno a lot abt the dsm. and like listen. i have been meticulously categorizing my problems for the last 4#years. and i like to learn so ya kno. also said yea it sounds like u r having hypomanic episodes.#and asked if bipolar was a possibility and like if i was bipolar that would absolutely blow my god damn mind. im pretty sure its just pmdd#but whatever. im open to the possibility. mostly i wanna hear someone else perspective on this#i feel like im collaborating on a project. like gimmie ur notes i wanna see if were on the same track. bc im insane like that#i always feel bad when they apologize for asking invasive questions. like neh its fine. i got nothin to hide and i dont give a fuck#also i told a class of my peers that my distraction from research is drawing narut0 fan art. again bc i do not#give a single fuck. Professors response: hopefully we get to see it some day. bro. if u ask me i will show u. i do not care#i mean. probably nothing too weird but i feel like most of my stuff is safe to share. i just come off looking like a weeb i guess#but yea back in therapy bc my mum reminded me bc the ppl around me irl r also worried for my well-being based on my behavior lol#i mean its just bc i complain that im in like psychological pain a lot. so lots and lots of bitching abt my brain ^^#the lady i saw did fall a lil bit into my trap. like what woulf ur life look like if u had everything under control? bc it seems like ur#here and ur starting a phd what more do u want? and im like mwahaha but u see i can do school#i can do school so good. i am the best at school and thats it. i am otherwise barely functional#so i can be successful on paper and dysfunctional when it comes to having a life :-]#but whatever. well see what she wants to follow up on next week bc i threw a lot at her#also went to my office for the 1st time. it is really nice to sit in a working lab and watch ppl interact. but also i do feel like im#dying if i try to sit in that room with 2 other ppl lol. so well see how it goes. i may find somewhere else to hide#unrelated
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funkin blog update: FunkCoin
summary ⬇️
funkcoin is real now
just kidding. bet i gotcha real good there huh. just emulating the comedy of the blog post in a very shortened way teehee
sunni's first blog post! she helps the funkin' crew with production, biz dev, and general operations
the workspace that the crew booked for the toronto trip was kinda bleh, so the squad got silly with it!
not a lot of decoration pics can be shared because they're full of Secret Stuff™ so here's a picture of them joking around on the whiteboard
the crew got some coding help with some visual stuff! apparently this mysterious helper is studying to do some PhD level stuff so this shit's gonna be Good™
"What they worked on is something me and Dave wanted in the game since 2021... and damn does it feel good to finally see it in action"
the crew is cooking ideas for site improvements to put in a general revamp of the funkin.me website!
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AAAAAAAAAAA OC OC OC OC OC CRAZY SCIENTIST OC
HRGRHRGHRGHRG *goes absolutely feral over OC's* *cries over art being bleh*
Name: Ezra Wilde (its DR. Ezra Wilde to you)
Hes a crazy scientist working for the villains, he used to work for the heroes, but they didn't let him go apeshit with his experiments (he REALLY wanted to create chaos and bombs and other experiments)
No, that isnt blood on his coat, that's a jelly stain, he always washes off blood.
Theres so much to say, but so little can be put into words. COMMENCE THE RAMBLING.
pretty much Dr. Wilde is just batshit insane, he loves his experiments, which have almost destroyed cities if not for the heroes (i have a lot of OC's), he also loves bombs, like fire and explosions are pretty to him.
There are some villains who are uneasy (if not scared) of Dr. Wilde because of how unhinged he is
I think i want to make Dr. Wilde's powers be like breaking the fourth wall cause of course the crazy character can do that,
Hes like, about 24 years old, since getting a science PHD takes like 6-12 years, so i decided to go the 6 year route.
He has a rat named Tar, why he has a pet rat you may ask? Well the rat survived a fuck ton of Dr. Wilde's experiments and Dr. Wilde's pretty sure that at that point he accidentally turned the rat immortal
The weapon he uses is a laser gun and bombs (because of course bombs)
Confession: I really dont know what his pronouns are, i mean like, He/Him is his default but if you were to ask me what his preferred pronouns are i would answer that i don't know, cause He/Him is just not Dr.Wilde?? I think he honestly wouldnt mind you using any pronoun on him (he finds She/Her cool). (why am i saying i think?? This is my oc lol) why am i rambling about this?? like He/Him and She/Her are the pronouns he uses, though, mostly He/Him
Dr. Wilde isnt really intrested in dating, or any of that romantic stuff, like he's never had a crush, nor did he date
Why is he insane? he was just born that way, the fourth wall breaking drove him mad since he always knows when hes being watched, and hes learned to just embrace it, talking to the audience, etc.
Hes not the paranoid crazy type, or the evil crazy type, he's more like the Manic Crazy type, where he's just excited about everything and has no self preservation whatsoever.
might have some more stuff on this guy but this is him so far
Oh! and the Blonde person watching Dr. Wilde is Lumi (or Sunny Knight as their civilian name), they're a villain (that the villains keep thinking is a hero in disguise ready to betray them) and they're siblings with Eclipse (or Darian Knight) whos a hero, but since Eclipse dresses up in dark clothing, has dark powers (shadow manipulation) and is cold towards people, the heroes think he's a villain in disguise
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#153 Quantum Violence.
I've been full of cold and fever all week. Mostly better now apart from hacking up my lungs a lot. Ow, bleh, etc etc.
However many posts back, I talked about the random people in this house who wandered in and out and I had no idea who they were. I mentioned a purple pixie lady in the kitchen (and if I didn’t call her that I should have)… turns out she’s the landlady. Cool, good to know.
Landlady has a PHD in physics, is obsessed with nutrition and practices acupuncture and Chinese Herbal Medicine. (Before I continue, I would like to state that I am aware that acupuncture and Herbal Medicine – Chinese or otherwise – can do amazing things. But I’m also aware of the number of people who take some sort of online course, get a certificate from the University of Bullshit, and brazenly practice their ‘craft’ on actual people.)
Today, Landlady told me about a woman from Brazil she’d treated who had cancer. (I don’t know what it is about the chemo look, but everybody suddenly wants to chat to you about bloody cancer.) Landlady had treated her with acupuncture and with herbal teas and tinctures. The cancer had gone into remission. ‘Oh!’ exclaimed Brazilian lady. ‘I can’t believe it!’ And she went home, where upon it was discovered her cancer was back. This, according to Landlady, was Brazilian woman’s own fault because she didn’t believe it so she messed it all up – because QUANTUM!!
Do you know how much willpower I had to burn through to keep my expression mild and not brain her with a skillet?
I’m all for any weird and wonderful additional treatment you care to take with your chemo and surgeries. But what pisses me off an apocalyptic amount is when people with very serious life-threatening medical issues are given false hope – and worse, made to waste time – with random bollocks that might make you feel holistically healthier but won’t do a damn thing to fix the underlying problem that’s killing you.
Bitch, if fucking acupuncture and some tea could fix me, don’t you think the hospitals would be offering that instead of the incredibly expensive and poisonous course of treatment they gave me? Also (do I really have to point this out?) medicine isn’t something that requires belief to function. If it requires belief, it is at its base, a placebo. Look, I think quantum is great too – I love the fact that you can kinda explain sympathetic magic via string theory. But again, if Quantum was powerful and reliable enough to kick the shit out of cancer, I wouldn’t have gone to the Infusion Centre every three weeks I’d have gone to the Quantum Detanglement Centre or something. FFS.
#unpopular opinion#breast cancer#womens health#cancer#unhappy neurons#quantum detanglement centre does sound quite cool though
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me: why am i so depressed
always.
like, its not getting better...
happypills: you look fine to meh yooo. you look super star.
me: -_-;; i lost confidence in your support a long time ago.
sigh*
happypills: no, but really... i mean, i was asking my friend and his Host's, Jasons i think, situation just..... SUCKS.
like, living in a war torn country... like, you know?
like,.... just surviving.... to literally stay alive
compared to tthhhatt.... id say were doing pretty swell???
me: wait.... you have friends? what friend???
happypills: umm... my friend happypills.
me: wtf.... so when you say Host, does that mean i am your Host??? like how this other happypills is to this jason???
happypills: woww.... youre really not seeing the bigger picture here. all im saying is that you have a home, stable job, food on the table, money coming in....
me: ... and coming out because of all the shit you spend....
happypills: SEEE. why cant you focus on the positive. others think youre doing fineeee.
me: BUT.... IM NOT.
im not ...........
im stifled in anxiety for.... anything and everything... like im barely getting by each thing, every day.
... i..... wake up at night.
and think about some random shit -- past, present, future...
and i obsess over it. FOR HOURS.
and because i cant get sleep because of that, the next day i go to bed at like 8pm.
but that turns to 12am ....
just thinking. and lying on the bed. for 4 hours.
then i wake up around 1:30am...
and do the same thing.
and turns to 4am.
and then at 5am im awake.... and go to work.
and rinse and repeat.
FOR WHAT??? like what???? i do all this just to survive too...
happypills: yea..... BUT i was speaking of surviving in terms of like... a bomb might drop ... and you lose a limb.
surviving like,.... youre starving.
surviving like,.... like someone might just bust into your place and rape you -- legit dick in butt type rape.
surviving like.... do i need to go on?
me: oh, so jason can afford happypills, but hes starving...
thats me too. Bleh, ANYWAYS,... anyways,
i UNDERSTAND. but,..................
im drowning.
im....
in paralysis...
to a point where i cant go out of my home, aside from the routine i have of going to work and buying cigarettes.
happypills: ... yea, you really need to stop spending money on postmates.... and you tell me that i spend all your money??? just go out and buy McDonalds....
me: ...................................
.as i was saying....
i ..... am in paralysis.
i .... cant ... explain it either. its anxiety... its depression. its stress. its ....
happypills: you just need to go out and meet some people???
me: UGH. you sound like everyone else; youre not listening...
i cant. just do that.... i dont know how to put something new into a routine ive made so that i can afford shit for myself....
JUST TO SURVIVE.
you know....
when i was in college, and students would take leaves for like a year or two.... or take a break from work and travel for a few months...
or something. to pause and change the pace.
that was never an option for me....
because the entire time....
i just want to survive. and get by.
and if i took a break, the anxiety of falling behind...
would just get me to keep running....
happypills: oh jeez, its not like you have a PhD... or are a CEO.... or President... chillout
me: im not saying im climbing up... nor do i even want that.
i just.... need to keep a routine going.
a routine where i can exist.
because when it ends.
i dont rest,...
but am anxious about not running...
so i forcefully, and barely, find a new routine.... and then run again, and run faster because of this fear of not being able to adapt....
and another cycle again.
each time, worse and more difficult than before....
you know what i mean????
like.....yea, as you say, i know im not at immenent threat of being raped...
but
i am just surviving....
....with this depression.
ugh........................................
..........................................idk..
i shouldve just....
taken a leave.
....
.
and never come back....
happypills: ....................................
.......................................
YEAaaaHHhHhhhhhhhh.......... ...................
BUT im still not really getting this surviving thing..
i mean compared to jaso..............
me: fuck you.
- happypills
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MUSE INFO SHEET.
{Basics}
Name: Harleen Frances Quinzel PHD MOTHERFUCKER
Alias: Harley Quinn, Ma, Harleyna THE COMEDY IN OTHERS’ TRAGEDY
Gender: female BUT MINE’S STILL BIGGER THAN YOURS LOL
Age: I AM 21 LIKE TOMMY WISEAU aging is weird for her.
Species: werehyena with god level Toon powers
Zodiac: I DUNNO THIS SHIT Cancer.
Abilities/Talents: IRRESISTIBLY SEXY AND FUNNY very clever, very perceptive, accomplished gymnast, heightened sense of smell. other talents and abilities are only present when It Is Funny
{Personal}
Alignment: chaotic neutral.
Sins: pride and envy.
Virtues: mercurial, maternal, easily distracted
Languages: English, Yiddish I CAN CUSS IN ALMOST 20 LANGUAGES THAT COUNTS
Family: Pamela Isley and Selina Kyle (wives) Jack Morticia d’Arc (nee Quinzel) (adopted offspring) BUD AND LOU (BABIES), BERNIE (BERNIE)
Friends: Victor Fries and Kunik (coolhearted) AND A LOT OF LOCAL FOLKS TOO I HAVE AS MANY FRIENDS AS I DO PEOPLE WHO WANT ME DEAD
Sexual Orientation: demisexual.
Relationship status: married.
Libido: constantly fluctuating.
{Physical}
Build: SEXY gymnast
Hair:RED N’ BLACK what little is left has no color in it - she dyes it.
Eyes: blue.
Skin: pasty and damaged.
Height: fluctuates
Weight: fluctuates
Scars: acid burn-esque swathes all over I CAN HIDE THEM IF I WANNA I JUS DON WANNA.
Facial Features: she looks like she did a back dive in chemicals and acids. werebeast form is healed...ish.
Tattoos: plenty. diamonds, thorns/vines, gemstones/cats, and one special paw print with a date in digital clock font on her ankle.
{Choose}
Dogs or Cats?: HYENAS i mean cats.
Birds or Hamsters?: birds.
Red or Blue?: both.
Yellow or Green?: yellow.
Black or White?: yes.
Coffee or Tea?: tea.
Ice Cream or Cake?: yes.
Fruits or Vegetables?: fruit
Sandwich or Soup?: yes
Magic or Melee?: melee.
Sword or Bow?: HAMMER i mean sword
Summer or Winter?: bleh.
Spring or Autumn?: spring.
The Past or The Future?: yes
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[mumbling into the void since yelling into the void demands far too much energy from my bleh self]
aight I know PMS is hitting me hard when my dad's flicking through channels and I watch less than five minutes of Bahubali and I want to start bawling.
It wasn't even that sad.
????
It was the scene when he's being exiled and he's talking about being at the crossroads between "the dharma you taught me and the law I abide by" (I suck at translation but know that it was a really good line) and I am a SUCKER for the queen mother in every scene she's in so there's that. Also probably didn't help that I was feeling especially bleh for reasons and at this point I think looking up a good hurt/comfort fic and having me a nice cathartic cry would do me good.
bleh.
or if the [redacted] results could come out and give me some clarity in life, that would also be appreciated. Or even if my prof could just stop texting me I HAVE ANXIETY and she keeps freaking me out with every notification. Also. She did her PhD in the same city as the institute I'm applying to and so she's very nicely asking me stuff about it and accommodation and pointing out stuff which is very nice and all but she seems to be operating under the assumption that I'm definitely getting the seat. Which I might not!! So that's stressing me out because I don't want to text her later saying I didn't get it :(
aaaaaaaaaaaaaah
anyway i think i might want to rewatch bahubali?? very unexpected. legit, i never thought I'd be comfortable enough with [nebulous concept of culture and language] to watch a telugu film alone.
Oooh if i ever feel comfortable enough doing it i should watch maryada ramanna again!
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PODCASTING, WELLNESS & MONETIZING FOR WRITERS in INDIA by Dr.Amrita Basu #BlogchatterEbook
PODCASTING, WELLNESS & MONETIZING FOR WRITERS in INDIA by Dr.Amrita Basu #BlogchatterEbook
Why do I write?Why do I paint?Why make videos or record podcasts?Why work as a Doctor?”Procrastination helps no one” and my last few years PhD in it,didn’t help me find a different answer.Life was a little “bleh” in a good way.I was in a rut of sorts.Not wanting to burnout,I still burnt out.
Doctor’s Creative Diary Podcast:Listen now!
I was starting projects and just near the end ,when the…
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02/04/20: the past few days have been spent reading, gaming (AC:NH), walking, and trying to bake (scones!). Honestly, PhD stuff has been very slow. I'm not even distracted, just run out of ideas and my brain feels empty
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My field’s future looks pretty dismal right now (it did before the pandemic, but after ... whew). I think people are taking alt-ac a bit more seriously, at least, but even so, slogging through a PhD while incessantly hearing about how terrible the prospects are makes for a pretty grim experience.
Maybe it’s part of the whole screwed-up system, but most of the reason that I’m still going on with it is that I’ve already put four years into it and I’m too proud to give up now, especially given how much my family has done to get me this far. But I’m so disaffected and burned-out that it feels almost pointless apart from the PhD in itself.
Like, what I really want to do is write fantasy novels. I know it’s a difficult field (though probably not worse than English lit in academia), but at any rate, I’m not sure “oh btw I have a PhD in early modern and eighteenth-century British literature” will be particularly helpful. But here I am anyway.
#/sigh#i started grad school in 2014 and i'm tired of it#which doesn't help ... but also doing my ma in 2014-2016 was such a better experience#and it's like#i did a creative writing minor for my ba#i did a creative writing concentration for my ma#i haven't even taken a creative writing class in my phd#and the one workshop i went to was awful#like 'why don't you make your lesbian romance het' bad#and it makes me crazier than i am already to not have that engagement so i'm just ... bleh#anghraine whines#ivory tower blogging#writing#anghraine babbles#rare breed of attack unicorn
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#the closer i get to moving the more i dont wanna do annnnnnything#i just wanna pack everything and then leave. ive packed half my stuff. tsken down all my posters#but i still have like 10 days left ugh. time needs to move faster 😩#i dont wanna work tho bleh. and i fucking agreed to do some extra stuff#so now i have to fucking get all my data together. analyze a million pictures with this weird software and upload a million pics from like#at least 2 or 3 past projects. and i have to name those. except i dont want to name them all fuck that#i am not going to have time. it will take literally days. get a fucking undergrad to do it i have better things to do with my time#ugh. im just mad bc its hot and my joints r swollen and my abductor is irritated so i have to take it easy#fuck that. i hate it. bleh i wanna draw. but there r other things i should do#im such a slacker now. and by slacker i mean im working normal hours and goofing off the rest of the time#and by goofing off i mean drawing and packing and reading#god. when the semester starts its gonna b insane bc theres no way ill b done with work stuff so ill have to start my phd while double timin#on paper writing. its gonna fucking suck. which is y i shoulf b working rn so i dont have to do that so much#but again. i dont wanna work. i just wanna lay here and track my heart palpitations. its fine. im just in transition which is really#fucking annoying >:-(#unrelated#also i wanna rewatch p4cific rim but its not on any of my streaming services anymore >:-(((
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the most interesting thing i’ve found while doing research for my BA thesis was somebody’s thesis on morrissey
#somebody got a morrissey phd#almost 500 pages...#and i'm struggling to write 30#actually currently i'm struggling only with 10 that i have to write before the semester ends#bleh
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I applied to that postdoc, but didn't get a confirmation of receipt and now I'm like do I email to ask about it or will that hurt my chances, or maybe I have no chance at all anyway so what do
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.
#you know apparently there’s a master’s degree for screenwriting in ? edinburgh?#someone at uni told me and I realised that I’ve kind of? given up on all of that? like the possibility of getting to work in film/tv#and I really really wanted that at some point and that degree sounds like a fucking dream and it makes me really frustrated that I just.#idk. that I’ve never written as much as I wanted to because of whatever the fuck. because I’m such a perfectionist and because it was such#a dream to be a writer and because of my ocd after that and then just. no energy no inspiration no confidence#I haven’t written more than 600 words for anything in ages so how tf could I ever do that degree#idk man. can’t blame mental illness for everything. so I just wish I’d kept writing or actually WROTE bc even as a kid I never finished#stuff. kept getting stuck. and at the same time I was always convinced I was amazing at writing??? it’s weird. and ew.#and a phd in english just seems really self-indulgent and bleh now. if I could even do it. aaaaanyways. therapy in the morning and I am#n o t looking forward to it#but gooood night if you’re still reading!! I’m actually doing good but just. things. I wish I knew myself a bit better
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Was feeling so exhausted and kind of bleh around lunchtime today and was really dreading having to go through three big social work things this afternoon... but it wound up being so nice! I had a virtual call with my former postdoc advisor, which was a lot of fun and wound up mostly being some kibitzing about the peer review process; had an in-person meeting with my first-year grad student where we essentially laid out his next three months of research and had a great time doing it (me: “it’s like you’re building the scaffolding of your whole thesis!” him: “well, I feel like I’m still laying the foundations. maybe still ordering the materials on Amazon”); and then judged an in-person PhD entrance exam that was just fantastic and actually not too far removed from my own research area and led to a long chat with another of the judges in the stairwell afterwards about how great the student did and what a cool project it was.
Just a really nice afternoon all around. :)
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